PDA

View Full Version : Gamer Tales More Funny D&D Stories



Pages : [1] 2 3 4 5 6

Flame of Anor
2012-07-07, 09:44 PM
In the immortal words of fraud,


everyone has one, funny or not. I have a story that isn't funny but whatever.

His classic thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=88960) lasted almost four years, but as his last post was three months after starting it, I'm not worried he'll be upset about my starting the sequel.

So tell your funny stories! Mostly they're going to be D&D, but, really, any tabletop RPG is just fine.


Just a couple words of advice from experience:
It's always nice if you give the characters names, or refer to them by their roles. It's difficult to read "Then K attacked the mayor but P backstabbed K with L's cursed dagger that he stole in R's house" and have to constantly refer to the key at the top.
It would be really sad if people skipped your story because it looked too long. Perhaps not all of the subplots going on really contribute to the humor?
Maybe your story really does have to be long to get the full humor across. If so, paragraph breaks are your best friends.
Don't badmouth other forum members. A similar thread got locked for that, which was a great shame.
Rouge is a type of makeup.
Have fun!

Craft (Cheese)
2012-07-07, 09:50 PM
From the previous thread:


That's horrible.

...Yeah. If it were me, I'd have walked out after the first "incident" and wouldn't have been around to see the second. Unless I specifically signed on for a sex comedy game, in which case I would be asking why I was the only one getting abused like that.

Flame of Anor
2012-07-07, 10:09 PM
For people who don't want to check the old thread, "that's horrible" referred to this:



This happened just this past Saturday and Sunday...

Me and a group of people here have just recently started to get together and play D&D, and most of us have either never played before, or it's been a while since we've played, so the person who was the DM was making up most of the adventure we were on as we go, with some help from the Monster manual.

We get to the very end of the first adventure, and the DM says that the Rouge in the part (a female IRL and in game) gets felt up/raped by a lich (I think the DM said it was half-lich...dunno where he got that from), and everyone laughed XD

Then later that same day on a new adventure, I asked "Does anyone get violated this time?" and the DM tells the rouge to make a Fortitude save, and she rolls a nat 1.

The DM tells her that her character has herpes XD

She says the only reason we keep her character around is so she's the one the monsters turn to when they want to violate someone

newBlazingAngel
2012-07-07, 11:32 PM
God I love these threads. They make the crazy stuff I do look absolutely sane.

The Random NPC
2012-07-08, 02:32 AM
I, too, love these threads. But next time, could we replace the D&D part of the title with RPG or something? I know people were still sometimes confused in the old thread, even after multiple posts about how any funny story was welcome.

cbronsonified
2012-07-08, 10:08 AM
Me DM
Players: All Level 5
Masongo, Half Orc Synthesist SUmmoner
Grog: Blade bound Magus
Leadson: Paladin Holy gun Achtype

VS

Xalaise, A level 10 Universalist Wizard. He's got 18 ac with Mage armor up and 14 touch ac

After beating down the Mages minions, and managing to throw him off a ledge and dropping him to 4 hp with stoneskin still up they manage to fail. They've all grouped up so he pops a fireball after passing his defensive casting check. All fail their Ref saves, and they all take 38 damage. They're all down to under 10 hp. All within melee range. Masingo goes first. He is hasted, has 4 natural attacks w/haste. His rolls, 1, 1, 2, 1... Grog is up next... His roll, 1 spellstrike 1... Everyone is laughing hysterically because they know he's only got 4 hp left and his next turn I've announced that he's gonna just take them out with him Leadson puts Flaming onto his gun and rolls one crit fail then, with bonuses, a 15 total. His damage rolls, 4 physical and 5 fire. They LITERALLY beat this guy by ONE. I'm pretty sure one of us could have died from laughter lol

genderlich
2012-07-08, 12:51 PM
In a light-hearted Pathfinder game recently, we had an NPC Barbarian named Yabba Goola. He was universally beloved by the party: he always spoke in the third person and was unfailingly calm ("Yabba Goola a little ticked off" *rages*); he often broke the fourth wall ("Yabba Goola get lots of XP and level up"); and he had a tendency to get lost across the world from us or accidentally get left behind, but was able to "rage-swim" across oceans in the span of a few days.

Unfortunately, the pronunciation of his name proved to be... difficult. About half the time, we would say Yagga Boola instead of Yabba Goola. After a number of fruitless reminders from the irritated DM, he actually introduced a character named Yagga Boola: a drug-addled shaman in a smoke-filled tent who was always incredibly irritating and unhelpful whenever we came across him. The intention was to make us have to pronounce Yabba Goola's name right because of this character.

But it didn't work. We kept saying Yagga Boola, though perhaps less often. As a result, whenever someone would refer to Yabba Goola as Yagga Boola, Yagga Boola would appear in his tent. Only the person who said it could perceive him in any way. He resisted all attempts to get rid of him; even destroying his tent didn't work. It was even possible for multiple tents to appear at the same time! In the end, the only way to solve the problem was to apologize to Yagga Boola for saying his name.

Unfortunately, this didn't solve the problem either, and one player accidentally said the name several times in the same session. That was when we learned that the apologies had to become more and more elaborate each time, eventually with embellishments like "your excellency" and so forth. This became a source of much frustration and some amusement for us players, since the game was usually late at night in a comedy-friendly campaign.

LoneStarNorth
2012-07-08, 01:22 PM
A quick one from a game of Warrior Rogue & Mage, which if you don't know is like old-school D&D except none of the rules are the same.

The party was investigating grave robbery in a small town out in the middle of nowhere. Some of the populace expressed certainty that the witch who lives in the forest is behind it somehow, or at least knows about it. The party went to check it out. The witch turned out to be young and beautiful instead of old and gross, but still a legit creepy wielder of forbidden magicks. She refused to give the party any assistance without some form of payment. To which the two dwarves in the party replied:

"We'll give you the elf for a night."

The witch looked the elf over once and agreed. She gave them a magic item to let them see the souls of the restless dead, which led them to the culprit (a ghoul). The elf missed most of the adventure though.

MidgetMarine
2012-07-08, 06:55 PM
So we're level 3. And we go on this quaint little quest to find out what happened to this pregnant woman we rescued in a previous quest. We get to the house of her lover, (not her husband, as we realized half way through a conversation with an NPC who was a friend of the lover (who apparently already has a wife.) Knock out his bodyguards, and find the woman behind a secret door upstairs. After talking to her for a while, we realize that the man (his name is Helmut...i know...we call him Hat.) is keeping her there because he wants to kill the child when it is born because he believes it to be cursed and 'a sign of the end times.' So our party, presuming that we're supposed to beat this guy and turn him into the city guard, set up an ambush for when he comes home (he's out of town.) after a week, he arrives at the gates, and our lookout sees him. our lookout books it to our house, tells us, and we book it to Helmut's house. we get there with just enough time to set up the ambush. the plan was that my dwarf fighter would approach him from behind as he walked up the driveway, pretending to be delivering a message. and then we'd attack. the rest of the party, who were inside the house, would come out, and we'd defeat him. (I know, metagaming. I'm as disgusted as you are. We're much better now) Here's how it went.

he's walking towards the front door, my dwarf runs up behind him "HEY! HEY! I GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU!"

The man turns, my dwarf hands him an empty, sealed scroll. He thanks me and opens the message. I attack.

DM: alright, It's Rorick's turn. (Rorick is my dwarf)

Me: alright, I'm going to hit him with my axe. *rolls* HOLY ****! A 19!

The whole group gets rather excited about this high roll. I'm looking at the DM, waiting for him to say "Alright. Roll damage." Instead I hear:

DM: You miss.

Me:alright. Wait.... WHAT?

DM: You miss.

ME: WHAT?

DM:You'll see.

We had already rolled initiative, and with my surprise round over, Helmut went first. Helmut picks up my dwarf by the throat and throws him through the door, smashing it open and revealing the rest of the party.

DM: Maybe now would be a good time to mention that Helmut is a level 18.

PARTY: WHAT THE ****?! THIS IS A LEVEL FOUR QUEST! WHAT THE ****, DUDE?!!

DM: Helmut casts chain lightning. Roll Reflex saves.

Now, i should probably mention that because I had been thrown through the door, I was right in the house, with the rest of the party. chain lightning. We're all clumped up.

So we roll, confused and angry about the extreme level of our opponent. We all fail. alright. 15 d6. Needless to say, we all got knocked on our asses, our DM decided to not make it a TPK by making it so that Helmut only meant to knock us out.

the group angrily demands the DM to explain himself, why would he put us up against such a high level NPC?

the DM says that facing helmut wasn't part of the quest. We were expected to take the woman away and to a safe place. But he had let us face helmut because he hated railroading. But told us to take this as a warning, we can do whatever we want, but if you're stupid like this again, I won't save you.

It wasn't funny then. But I think it's hilarious now.

Craft (Cheese)
2012-07-08, 08:45 PM
the DM says that facing helmut wasn't part of the quest. We were expected to take the woman away and to a safe place. But he had let us face helmut because he hated railroading. But told us to take this as a warning, we can do whatever we want, but if you're stupid like this again, I won't save you.

It wasn't funny then. But I think it's hilarious now.

I still don't think it's funny. Did he seriously never consider that you might decide to fight him? From what it sounds like he never even dropped any hints as to how powerful he really was, even long after he knew you were planning to fight.

Worst part is he probably patted himself on the back for it, saying "Look how realistic and dynamic my world is!"

MidgetMarine
2012-07-08, 10:59 PM
He did. we were kind of ignorant. he repeatedly stated, "he's out of town. He's out of town." when we asked where he was. He even made it so Helmut would be out of town for like 2 months. We kind of refused to take a hint. None of us blamed him.

Plus he felt really bad having to do it. But otherwise we'd have gone "F YEAH! We can get a lvl 18 arrested. Plus side is that he's become the campaign antagonist.

EDIT: Oh right. I just remembered. We were inquiring about Helmut and the captain of the city guard said he was a force to be reckoned with. And we were like "we can take 'em"

Craft (Cheese)
2012-07-08, 11:19 PM
EDIT: Oh right. I just remembered. We were inquiring about Helmut and the captain of the city guard said he was a force to be reckoned with. And we were like "we can take 'em"

Not really a proper hint, since that's kinda relative. To a level 1 commoner a housecat is a force to be reckoned with. Plus have you ever once in your life met a BBEG who was described as "Eh, he's a wimp. You can totally take him" for whom that description wasn't deliberately misleading? It's just like how all the commoners in the village talk about how extremely dangerous and instantly lethal the haunted forest you're supposed to go to is.

A better hint would have been having the city guard talk about his evil deeds, like "In his free time, he gates in Balors just so he can kill and eat them later!"

MidgetMarine
2012-07-08, 11:23 PM
what we didn't pick up on was the fact that we were talking to the captain of the guard. (CR:13 if I'm correct.)

As for evil deeds, this is one of the cool parts about the character. He's not evil. he's true neutral. He loves the city in which our campaign is placed and would do anything to protect it, and the child, he believed, was a threat.

Either way, he's a great DM all-in-all and none of us consider this as even a blip on his track record. I think it's funny, so does the rest of my group

JohnnyCancer
2012-07-08, 11:45 PM
Subjected my players to a lake of embalming fluid with zombie dire sharks, that was a hoot.

Doorhandle
2012-07-09, 04:21 AM
"In his free time, he gates in Balors just so he can kill and eat them later!"

May I sig that?

Craft (Cheese)
2012-07-09, 06:17 AM
May I sig that?

Sure, why not?


Subjected my players to a lake of embalming fluid with zombie dire sharks, that was a hoot.

Just convince the dwarf it's booze.

JohnnyCancer
2012-07-09, 10:28 AM
Just convince the dwarf it's booze.

Party of seven and no dwarf characters, if you can believe it. The player of the gnome said she should have used ventriloquism on the sharks to make them say something funny, but she didn't; so it doesn't count towards a funny story.

Lvl45DM!
2012-07-09, 11:04 AM
We were playing an Oriental Campaign. The Witch Hunter charmed a Gaki which is basically an asian ghoul. The charm wore off but he was accepted into the party cos he was useful and he stuck with us cos we always had plenty of flesh for him to devour, even used him as our cook when we went into the shadowlands. This dude loved to eat. The player when asked what the Gaki was doing would just gesture as if he was scooping up lots of flesh and guts and make a snarling sound. Ate everything is what im saying. Turned into a fly and ate an ogre from the inside out.

We visited an oracle and after the obligatory tests of worth we all got our fortunes...in the form of fortune cookies the DM bought and handed out randomly.

The Gaki was miffed he didn't get one and so the DM gave him one too. The player opened the cookie and literally hit the ground laughing.

The fortune? "Eat well and be happy"

NinjaTBB
2012-07-09, 11:23 AM
In a zombie apocalypse style game the two players, a Cleric and Bard, had just rescued a little girl from the house of her (now deceased) necromancer father. A thunderstorm was brewing when they went into the house so by the time they got out, the storm had arrived. Naturally, they had to walk across a field to get back to their base of operations. The chance of getting struck by lightning was reasonably low (but still high enough for them to be a possible threat [somewhere around 1 in 10,000]). So as the Cleric in full plate and chain shirt clad Bard make their way across the field with the unarmored girl half their size between them; as the dice gods would have it, the girl got struck by lightning. (As a DM, I never fudge the numbers, and she wasn't plot essential) They were decent enough to give her ashes a proper burial though.

Same campaign, still a thunderstorm and the two decide to venture out of the now empty town. As they arrive at a flooding river they notice a lone tree bending in the wind. As they get closer it snaps. Rather than flee, the Cleric decides to save it before significant harm comes to it. He grabs the tree, somewhere around 50 Strength check (we play where a natural 20 is another roll +20) to place the upper half back on the lower half, then either another epic heal check or a mending spell (can't remember which) to seal it back up. That tree is still doing well some weeks later.

Flame of Anor
2012-07-09, 03:18 PM
May I sig that?

It looks even funnier in your signature because of the username being Craft: Cheese. Mmm, balor cheese.


Edit: also, here's a story about a ridiculously hyper-epic party that includes things like a tarrasque who summons pirate ships and a caster who creates living supernovae. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=13525262)

Prince Zahn
2012-07-09, 03:45 PM
Torches - it's worth the money:

Cast of Characters:
Human Sorcerer(me)
Human Rogue
Dwarf Fighter
Everyone else(virtually irrelevant here)
Okay, so we were in a dungeon, walking down the dimly lit staircase, we saw a bright light at the bottom, and proceeded towards it.
...At the bottom we saw an ENOURMOUS room lit with bright torches from all sides, "yet sparsely illuminated to all allow numerous and wide dark patches within."
We paused to view the sight.
...-Rogue: "hey, dwarf, what vision are you usin' right now?"
Before he could say anything, the DM told the fighter to roll a will save, Needless to say he got:
...-DM: "blinded for 3 rounds from tremendous eye strain."
...-Players: "what..?"
...DM:"As it turns out darkvision can be quite difficult to use in some situations."
I cast gust of wind to blow all the torches out.
...-Fighter: "Thenx, wizard, ye hev mah gretitude... let's keep searchin'!"
The sorcerer was a bit offended that he called me "Wizard", and a bit ticked off, figuring gift-giving was customary from grateful Dwarves, all the NPC's did it, after all...
...I took out all of my torches, lit them all at once with burning hands and ran about, waving them in front of the fighter.(and giving him another seizure).
...-Sorcerer(repeatedly): TORCHES! TORCHES FOR SALE!
----------------------------------------
Long story short the rogue bopped me on the head both in-game and out when my petty prancing triggered a magic ward, thereby awaking a Runic Guardian.
But hey, I have no regrets!:smallcool:

The Random NPC
2012-07-09, 04:20 PM
Darkvision doesn't work that way...

Prince Zahn
2012-07-09, 04:26 PM
Darkvision doesn't work that way...

Well, sure... We know that now.
But when we did find out, we didn't take it up to our DM,We knew the silliness was all in good fun, after all.

EDIT: Most of it is paraphrasing an old story, I'm think it was blinded, but it might have been some other eyesight-based Debuff.

Craft (Cheese)
2012-07-09, 09:19 PM
It looks even funnier in your signature because of the username being Craft: Cheese. Mmm, balor cheese.

Here's the story behind my username:

"But that doesn't make any in-character sense! How can you be an orc who's half-minotaur AND half-ogre!?"

"I took ranks in Craft (Cheese)!"

DracoDei
2012-07-10, 12:38 PM
So our party, presuming that we're supposed to beat this guy and turn him into the city guard, set up an ambush for when he comes home (he's out of town.) after a week, he arrives at the gates, and our lookout sees him. our lookout books it to our house, tells us, and we book it to Helmut's house. we get there with just enough time to set up the ambush. the plan was that my dwarf fighter would approach him from behind as he walked up the driveway, pretending to be delivering a message. and then we'd attack. the rest of the party, who were inside the house, would come out, and we'd defeat him. (I know, metagaming. I'm as disgusted as you are. We're much better now)

How is this metagaming? Just looks like good tactics to me... unless there was a lack of a way for the people in the house to know when to rush out?

Or was it the idea that setting up to arrest a guy who is planning infantacide was a reasonable course of action? Seems good to me, especially if you talked to the captain of the guard about it (but from what you said later he would have explicitly told you "Well, I can TRY to take him, but am worried that that would only result in the deaths of myself and many of my men." which would have been more explicit than what you described). Did you only talk to the captain in a general way, trying to keep to your "Well, obviously, we aren't supposed to just let the town guard handle this..." 'adventurer logic'?

Subjected my players to a lake of embalming fluid with zombie dire sharks, that was a hoot.
Did you have to make forts saves for the fumes, or was it only a problem if you fell in?

JohnnyCancer
2012-07-10, 02:50 PM
Did you have to make forts saves for the fumes, or was it only a problem if you fell in?

There were fumes to deal with as well as the potential for poisoning. I had read that Formaldehyde is lethal if consumed even in small concentrations, so I attached some nasty Con damage to this fantasy equivalent. Everyone knew better than to start chugging the stuff, but I figured the choice might not be theirs if they were grabbed and/or swallowed by dire shark.

Earlier they beat a Grave Knight (it's basically the fighter version of a Lich) without identifying it, then chucked his magic armor in a bag of holding. The armor reformed the body inside the bag several days later and he has been tagging along. They've just been chucking stuff in the bag without checking. I figure it will be real funny when he crawls out of the bag while they're recuperating in their keep and hides until they leave. I'm just hoping they don't finish examining all their swag before he gets the chance. :smallbiggrin:

Flame of Anor
2012-07-10, 03:30 PM
Earlier they beat a Grave Knight (it's basically the fighter version of a Lich) without identifying it, then chucked his magic armor in a bag of holding. The armor reformed the body inside the bag several days later and he has been tagging along. They've just been chucking stuff in the bag without checking. I figure it will be real funny when he crawls out of the bag while they're recuperating in their keep and hides until they leave. I'm just hoping they don't finish examining all their swag before he gets the chance. :smallbiggrin:

That is awesome. Make sure both that he takes a lot of their stuff with him (so they're all infuriated) and that they get some clue about how it happened (so they're not too infuriated), and this could be a perfectly wonderful trick.

Arbane
2012-07-11, 01:34 AM
Earlier they beat a Grave Knight (it's basically the fighter version of a Lich) without identifying it, then chucked his magic armor in a bag of holding. The armor reformed the body inside the bag several days later and he has been tagging along.


Good thing he didn't try to cut his way out....

JohnnyCancer
2012-07-11, 02:37 PM
I lifted the kingdom building rules from Pathfinder's Kingmaker adventure path for my current campaign. When the players got around to assigning various roles, our resident min-maxer had this gem (and I may be paraphrasing): "Based on our group composition, cohorts, and available friendly NPCs; gay marriage is the way to optimize our kingdom. I hope you're into girls your grace, it's the best way to safeguard the revolution."

He's referring to the fact that there can be two people in the Ruler position if they're married. Ever since then, Baroness Lini, the group's Fighter/Sorcerer has been unsuccessfully trying to woo the party's Cleric/Ranger, a priestess of Erastil.

Morithias
2012-07-12, 02:20 PM
{{Scrubbed}}

newBlazingAngel
2012-07-12, 02:22 PM
:smalleek: That's...brilliant. In a horrible, glass in the unmentionables kind of way.

Keylac
2012-07-12, 02:31 PM
You probably had to be there for this one, but here goes.

I was just remembering my first campaign. It was a homebrewed world, with homebrewed classes, and I played a Musketeer: Flintlock Pistols, Muskets, and simple grenades. Me and the rogue liked to say we were very different: His priorities were money and fame, mine were fame and money.

At one point, we found a magically locked and shielded box, without the key we needed to open it. I took it down to the local enchanters guild (no other way to identify how to open it) and they told me it would cost 2,000 gold. I said all right, and handed over all my money to pay for it. The next day, I'm busy, so the cleric goes to pick it up. At which point she goes into the head enchanters office, who hands her the box and says:

"This is what we figured out. It's a magical box, that's both shielded and locked, and will require the key to open it. We can make that key for you for another 1,000 gold."

Upon my returning to the game room (I'd been outside talking to a smoker while she did this), she informed my character what they'd found out. This resulted in what they call "Key's First Rant," a deluge of sarcastic comments about identification, enchanters, boxes, and DM's that think they have a sense of humor. I went on for a good 15 minutes, in and out of character, about how I'm so glad I shelled out all my money to find out it's a box. Favorite quote by those present was, "It's a shame I didn't have a few extra hundred to give him. I could have found out it's a rectangle too!"

At the end of the rant they had to physically restrain my character from going and blowing up the enchanters hall. For the rest of the game, they refused to allow me to go there alone, and always did the talking, while I sat in the background, glaring, and muttering.

- Key

Craft (Cheese)
2012-07-12, 02:50 PM
:smalleek: That's...brilliant. In a horrible, glass in the unmentionables kind of way.

This is almost the exact plot of an actual porno I saw once, except instead of just one wizard she kills a group of about 8 enemies at once this way (the poison took a few hours before the effects started or something).

newBlazingAngel
2012-07-12, 03:14 PM
That sounds like the plot of a horror movie disguised as a porno. I'm afraid to ask for the name...

Craft (Cheese)
2012-07-12, 03:22 PM
That sounds like the plot of a horror movie disguised as a porno. I'm afraid to ask for the name...

Except for the ending it was actually pretty standard stuff.

Jeopardizer
2012-07-12, 03:40 PM
That is awesome. Make sure both that he takes a lot of their stuff with him (so they're all infuriated) and that they get some clue about how it happened (so they're not too infuriated), and this could be a perfectly wonderful trick.

Then make him BBEG of your campaign.

newBlazingAngel
2012-07-12, 03:41 PM
Except for the ending it was actually pretty standard stuff.

Okay...Now I feel like a perv asking for a name...What's it called?

ZeroGear
2012-07-12, 04:14 PM
This is almost the exact plot of an actual porno I saw once, except instead of just one wizard she kills a group of about 8 enemies at once this way (the poison took a few hours before the effects started or something).

Dare I ask if it is an Anime called La Blue Girl?

Prince Zahn
2012-07-12, 05:32 PM
Oookay, let's try going back on topic:
Here's an old story of my group, hope you fellas like it too!
----------------------
Cast:
-Wizard/fighter, musclemage thing.(will be referred to in first person pronouns)
-Elf bard would-be battlebard(aka "Bard")
-DM who wasn't aware of the research and consequences involving the "all splatbooks allowed" ruling.(aka "DM")

Story:
The party signed up to an arena match, 6 of us vs. 2 other groups of six in flat out combat to knockout in whatever means necessary, but with one exception:
-In the center of the arena hung by adamantine chains a large pool of molten lava with a sarcophagus resting upon it's center platform. A sword rests upon the coffin, bringing an optional, automatic victory to the first team who can attain it.

When we heard the Judge explain the rules, the bard whispered and elaborated in my ear "I have...a plan..."

The two teams were advancing center field, bloodlust in their eyes. The bard won the initiative over me, so he began taking a sly, stylish stroll forward, The DM wasn't suspecting a thing yet. I cast protection from energy on my familiar, then took off my helmet to "wipe my brow:smallwink:" and my toad familiar jumped in, as it likes to, I then handed the helmet to the Bard.

Bard: I hold the helmet high up to block my view of the hanging platform, and I cast Catapult.
DM(with a shellshocked, yet almost blank expression on his face:) You. Do. What!?
*1 brief rules explanation later, the DM didn't know how to handle this*
DM:okay, roll ranged attack to see how you aim.
*one die roll later, the Bard smiles and just points towards his D20, inviting everyone to come look at his natural 20.*

After we all burst out laughing, the next thing anyone knew a toad was rocketing towards the molten rock pool at about 80-110 Km/h in a helm that was spinning faster than a water-wheel caught in a whirlpool.

the helm lands perfectly atop the sarcophagus, almost magically.
My turn was soon afterwards, and the Toad coughed up a wand of Animate Weapon(don't thank me, thank Hoard Gullet!), and cast it on the sword.

The plan was almost successful.
But before he could ride the sword and fly down Aladdin-style, the mummy of the sarcophagus popped it's hand out and grabbed the sword by the hilt(and strangling my poor toad.)
Even though we ended up fighting the mummy, I was fortunate enough for my toad to succeed an escape artist check.

To this day I haven't the slightest clue whether the DM did that to fight the splatbook ambush, or if he prepared the mummy in advance.:smallbiggrin:
He claims the latter, but I don't reeeaalllly know. :smalltongue:

Doorhandle
2012-07-12, 11:28 PM
:smalleek: That's...brilliant. In a horrible, glass in the unmentionables kind of way.

Pretty much. Honestly, it's a shame that most of the ways to abuse poison immunity are underused: Such as making demon/devil beer (that should also crackle with fire/lightning) as an undead skin lotion (to keep rotting necrotic flesh silky-smooth and instantly fatal) or as part of a healing potion (for paladin use ONLY), not to mention using fly agaric or raw puffer-fish in cooking...


To this day I haven't the slightest clue whether the DM did that to fight the splatbook ambush, or if he prepared the mummy in advance.
He claims the latter, but I don't reeeaalllly know.

Eh, considering the spaltbooks and the D.M's possible responses, you both got off easy.

BRC
2012-07-13, 11:35 AM
I'm currently in a 1920's campaign that's had some good moments.

Me (A Mobster, homebrew class) and another player (Playing my cousin, a Beguiler) are approached by a shady watch salesman. Using a combination of Diplomacy and Sleight of hand we manage to sell him back his own watches.


One of my class features is called "Friends in the Neighborhood", it allows me to summon thugs (Lower level Mobsters). I decided that my thugs are a gang of Warforged Mobsters named Sullivan (In this setting Warforged were made for WWI, and were named after the human commander of their company, in this case Sullivan's Sappers.)

Well we were inside a mansion fighting a sword wielding bodyguard with an insane AC. I had just gotten that class feature, and decided to try it out.
Me: Hey DM, can I summon Goons when I'm not on the street.
DM: I guess so, how would they get in the building?
Me: Is there a window in this room?

The end result, my character whistled, a rope came through the window, and two trenchoat-wearing robots ziplined in and started throwing molotovs at the bodyguard.

It then became a running joke that the Sullivans could show up anywhere. They ziplined into a demiplane (Accessed via a portal disguised as a painting, Mario 64 style). They got teleported into a cave (We had a professor or extraspacial magic who had teleported us there in the first place, so that kind of makes sense), and dropped in through the windows of a moving train to help me sweep the dining car with tommy guns (It was full of zombies!).
Other great moments include our standard method of stealth. My pockets are bags of holding, and a special class feature lets me draw items from extradimensional spaces as a free action. Whenever we need to sneak into someplace all thenon-stealthy characters hide in my pockets.

One of these characters is a Minotaur Soulknife (Nicknamed "Beef").
There have been several occasions where my halfling has reached into his pockets, and quickdrawed an 8-ft Psychic minotaur.

Curtis6566
2012-07-13, 06:43 PM
I'm currently in a 1920's campaign that's had some good moments.

One of these characters is a Minotaur Soulknife (Nicknamed "Beef").
There have been several occasions where my halfling has reached into his pockets, and quickdrawed an 8-ft Psychic minotaur.

That made me laugh so hard, just thinking about a 4 foot halfling pulling out a minitaur twice its size. That must add a lot to intimidate checks. I'd be really scared of what else he has in his pockets. " Oh, the psychic minotaur? He's the least of the things I have in my pockets" *enemies then pee their pants*.
"And you don't even want to know what I have in my sleeves."

Erik Vale
2012-07-13, 10:22 PM
That made me laugh so hard, just thinking about a 4 foot halfling pulling out a minitaur twice its size. That must add a lot to intimidate checks. I'd be really scared of what else he has in his pockets. " Oh, the psychic minotaur? He's the least of the things I have in my pockets" *enemies then pee their pants*.
"And you don't even want to know what I have in my sleeves."

Quoted for truth.....
Any chance you can put up a link to that class?

Flame of Anor
2012-07-14, 03:19 PM
That made me laugh so hard, just thinking about a 4 foot halfling pulling out a minitaur twice its size. That must add a lot to intimidate checks. I'd be really scared of what else he has in his pockets. " Oh, the psychic minotaur? He's the least of the things I have in my pockets" *enemies then pee their pants*.
"And you don't even want to know what I have in my sleeves."

That would be even funnier if the halfling were a commoner and had that "Chicken-Infested" flaw where whenever you try to draw something you have a 50% chance of getting a chicken instead.

TheRedWidow
2012-07-15, 12:19 AM
I have a couple:

1: there was a bard in the group I DM who did not exactly... fit in. Well the rest of the group (usually) makes reasonable and tactical decisions, the bard decided that he meant every bit of the CN written on his character sheet. Things he has done include:
a) Me: There are two men with crossbows behind an overturned table at the end of the hallway. You can just see a large room behind them.
Paladin: (to bard) see if you can get past them to the room.
Bard: Sure.
The bard is wearing the robes of a sorc they killed earlier. Over his armor. Still he bluffs his way up the two men.
Guard: (rolls 20 on perception) Your robes seem ill-fitting.
Bard: I just finished eating the intruders.

In the previously mentioned room:
Me: the balcony is maybe 15 feet off the ground. There are stairs leading down at the end of the balcony.
Bard: I jump off the balcony.

Much later, they are attacking an enemy camp. They spot a concealed pit by the camp's perimeter, and trip one of the guards into it. They ignore him, figuring they can deal with him later. And engage the rest of the camp.
Me: Alright, your turn.
Bard: How deep is the pit again?
Me: 30 ft.
Bard: alright. I jump into it, trying to land on the guy.
Whole table: *stunned silence*
Me: *sigh* Roll.
We get back to the bard's turn.
Bard: I try to climb up the side of the pit.
Paladin: GOOD.
Bard: So I can jump on him again (rolls reasonably well on climb).
Me: you climb up five feet.
Bard: *cast damaging spell*
Next round, the bard doesn't roll quite as well, and only climbs four feet.
Me: If you jump from here, you won't quite damage the guy.
Bard: Fine. I try to tunnel through the sand (they are in a desert).
Everyone: WHAT?
Suffice to say, the bard's player now has a rogue.


In a one off session I played in, we were all level one, and shenanigans ensued:
1) Explaining to the villain that the kingdom we just invented first imports wheat then exports it.
2) Try to convince the villain that the same kingdom's religious ceremonies involve push ornate-yet-mass produced boxes into volcanoes.
3) Hitting on the deceased villain's wife.
4) poking air holes in the Tarrasque's prison.

newBlazingAngel
2012-07-15, 12:45 AM
Since I'm on summer break, I've got a few friends who I don't know outside of school. I will share their reactions to my presenting the star wars roleplaying game.

Doorhandle
2012-07-15, 12:49 AM
:smallbiggrin:
I have a couple:

1: there was a bard in the group I DM who did not exactly... fit in. Well the rest of the group (usually) makes reasonable and tactical decisions, the bard decided that he meant every bit of the CN written on his character sheet. Things he has done include:
a) Me: There are two men with crossbows behind an overturned table at the end of the hallway. You can just see a large room behind them.
Paladin: (to bard) see if you can get past them to the room.
Bard: Sure.
The bard is wearing the robes of a sorc they killed earlier. Over his armor. Still he bluffs his way up the two men.
Guard: (rolls 20 on perception) Your robes seem ill-fitting.
Bard: I just finished eating the intruders.

In the previously mentioned room:
Me: the balcony is maybe 15 feet off the ground. There are stairs leading down at the end of the balcony.
Bard: I jump off the balcony.

Much later, they are attacking an enemy camp. They spot a concealed pit by the camp's perimeter, and trip one of the guards into it. They ignore him, figuring they can deal with him later. And engage the rest of the camp.
Me: Alright, your turn.
Bard: How deep is the pit again?
Me: 30 ft.
Bard: alright. I jump into it, trying to land on the guy.
Whole table: *stunned silence*
Me: *sigh* Roll.
We get back to the bard's turn.
Bard: I try to climb up the side of the pit.
Paladin: GOOD.
Bard: So I can jump on him again (rolls reasonably well on climb).
Me: you climb up five feet.
Bard: *cast damaging spell*
Next round, the bard doesn't roll quite as well, and only climbs four feet.
Me: If you jump from here, you won't quite damage the guy.
Bard: Fine. I try to tunnel through the sand (they are in a desert).
Everyone: WHAT?
Suffice to say, the bard's player now has a rogue.


In a one off session I played in, we were all level one, and shenanigans ensued:
1) Explaining to the villain that the kingdom we just invented first imports wheat then exports it.
2) Try to convince the villain that the same kingdom's religious ceremonies involve push ornate-yet-mass produced boxes into volcanoes.
3) Hitting on the deceased villain's wife.
4) poking air holes in the Tarrasque's prison.


Y'know, while it would slow the influx of hilarious stories, I still think that RPG rulebooks should stress that just because you CAN do everything in an RPG game, doesn't mean it's a good idea.:smallbiggrin:

BRC
2012-07-15, 05:17 PM
Quoted for truth.....
Any chance you can put up a link to that class?

It's my DM's Homebrew. But other things I have quickdrawed out of my magic pockets include

a Giant Spider (Our Synthesist Summoner)
A Samurai
Bombs
A Wide variety of guns
A Warforged Detective.
An Angry Scotsman on a talking motorcycle.
Several corpses.

Shinkirou
2012-07-15, 06:32 PM
Well about a week ago I was testing some home brew rules with a friend which was nice since I had been working on it for like a year without testing, but anyway.

The main character was named John Delour

He had been taken as a slave and was being used as an attraction to show the effectiveness of the other slaves in battle. EXCEPT he was doing well (managing to kill their champion in his first fight). When he is put in a team death match his "team" attempts to flee when Rambo guard shoots one in the back with lethal precision and brutally over-kills him (he had exactly 1 HP left after the battle).

At this point John offers to kill the escapees. Since I was not really being serious I said "sure", and thus the poor fools never stood a chance. It was after the battle that I told him they planned to spring him from his cell later that evening.

However the guards were so impressed with his effectiveness they offered him a job as long as he killed one of the guards who lost his nerve watching John brutalize his competition.

ZeroGear
2012-07-15, 07:31 PM
We were in the middle of leaving Dunford shen we were attacked by a small dragon. After our summoner tries to charm it, and fails, our wizard electrocutes it and it tries to fell. As it flees, I, the alchemist, toss an explosive bomb at it and it catches fire. After that, the summoner baleful polymorphs it into a chicken. It promptly dies as it descends while burning to death.

Wizard: Wan we figure out what it was?
DM: to do that, you would have to examine it in its original form.
Summoner (to me): why don't you toss one of your dispel bombs at it?
Me: I can't.
Summoner: Why not?
Me: Because I'm in the middle of eating it.
Summoner: What?
Me: I's breakfast,
Wizard: does that mean he radiates magic now?
DM: No, but a few days later his waste will.

It was funny at the time.

Erik Vale
2012-07-15, 09:29 PM
Still is.....

Now that is one way to avoid paying for rations.

The Bandicoot
2012-07-15, 11:50 PM
Ok so here's a bit of backstory first. I'm a human fighter who worships a homebrew lawful good sun god. The party cleric is a dwarf worshipper of the dwarven god of partying.

During a battle I get knocked into the negatives and I bleed down to -9 before the cleric gets a chance to heal me. I get up and look around with wonder and say "I was laying in a field, and I felt the sun warming me and I saw the sun getting closer to me. And right when it was about to touch me....." and then the cleric butts in with..... "and then someone poured a mug of ale on your face and told you 'get up you idiot the bars closing in five minutes' "

Had the whole group laughing.

Lentrax
2012-07-17, 05:24 AM
I do have a couple of moments myself, let's see...

I was playing a dwarf ranger in a campaign, I had just arrived in town and promptly knocked out the jerk trying to convice a serving girl to go upstairs with him. The next morning, I was at my table eating breakfast. I had just taken a huge swig of ale when the following exchange happens:

DM: You feel a tap on your shoulder.
Me(irl): *massive belch while turning to look back at DM*
DM: You get punched in the face.

This one is Star Wars
Setup: The four other players and myself are called in to prevent the assassination of the Supreme Chancellor. We are at an automated traffic control center on the day of the Chancellor's speech, when a group of terrorists come in to take over the facility. A fight ensues, and we manag to take one of them captive.

Me: Can we go? We need to go.
Jedi: We can't just leave him here.
Me: It isn't my fault noone brought binders.
Soldier: Just keep stunning him.
Jedi: That is inhumane. I will not allow it.
DM: Lentrax, you see the Chancellor's speech beginning on a nearby viewscreen.
Me: We have to leave now!
Jedi: Not until we figure out what to do with him.
*Three minutes of arguing later*
Me(OOC to the DM): I pul out my blaster and shoot him in the face.
Everyone just stopped, and looked at me like I was insane.
Me: Can we go now?

Dread Angel
2012-07-17, 09:34 AM
The cast:
Ragnar Skegg, the greatsword-wielding fighter. Catchphrase: "I like swords!"
Reginald Sparrow, sardonic bard.
Valdyr, a needlessly complex werewolf/rogue/oracle/swashbuckler/sorceror played by an exceptionally petulant player.

So we have two very classic character types, and one very, very weird one. As well as a cleric NPC named Vasil, but he's not hugely important here. I have a few amusing moments to share from their campaign, which was the AP Curse of the Crimson Throne. As such, I have spoilered them.

Brevity.
The PCs are in the storefront of a charity food kitchen, this group that gives free meat to the poor of the city. They were looking for a deserter from the guard. They had convinced the other deserters who were running the place to shut the doors and let them "discuss business", as the lead deserter's underlings were running various illegal operations without his knowledge. The PCs were, however, unclear as to what exactly they were asking for, and so when the guards asked them who they needed dealt with, they kind of looked at each other. Through use of Sense Motive and Bluff, Reginald and Valdyr were trying to agree on something to say without actually speaking. Ragnar, seeing them looking at each other, decided to make things easy. He drew his sword and attacked in one smooth motion...scoring max damage crits on both guards. He decapitated both with one awesome swing. (Fluff, it was actually Cleave.)

Maybe a little TOO direct.
Very early in the campaign the PCs found a brooch that had been lost by the (newly widowed) Queen. There was a reward for that, and the four of them headed for the palace. Ragnar elected to stay outside whent he guards requested they leave their weapons, and Vasil stayed with him while Valdyr and Reggie went in to collect the reward. As they approach the Crimson Throne, the Queen gives them a big speech about how this is a welcome reason to smile in this dark time, blah blah. One of the rumours is that she murdered her husband. (This happens to be true, but yeah.) After the Queen presents them with their reward, Reggie pipes up with "I have one question. Did you murder your husband?" The Queen's bodyguard steps up as the Queen reacts in outrage. "Silence, bard! How dare you speak to the Queen like that?!" The idiot bard continues "Aha! You DID kill him! I knew it!" Ragnar didn't even question it when Sabine, the bodyguard, carries the bard out herself (unconscious) and hurls him to the ground. Valdyr was sniggering the whole time.

The new girl.
After many impressive battles, Reggie Sparrow met with death at the hands of a Beatific One. Rather than having him resurrected, my girlfriend (the player) brings in a character she created, a fighter2/sorc6/eldritch knight 2. As the remaining PCs are recovering from escaping Korvosa and preparing for their journey into the Cinderlands, Siva (the new char) approached them and offered to join them as a translator, guide and added blade. The others talked it over and agreed, but Valdyr (in typical fashion) wanted to test her. She agrees to face Valdyr in single combat. He takes note of her martial stance and the rapier on her hip, and he draws his own rapier. They fence back and forth a few rounds, then Siva lunges and disarms Valdyr with a fantastic maneuver. He responds by shifting to his hybrid form. While he's mid-shift, Sive steps back and whips a fireball and rolls nearly max damage. Knocks him fully flat. Needless to say, she was heartily accepted into the group by Ragnar and the NPC.

Of course, Valdyr's player immediately launches into a massive rant about how there's no way a character at this level could legit use powerful spells and still be so good in combat and it's total favoritism letting my girlfriend have such a powerful character....nevermind I allowed him to play a natural werewolf.

I still have Siva's character sheet somewhere. It's really simple, nothing even remotely complicated on there. He was just a seriously sore loser.

Flame of Anor
2012-07-18, 01:15 PM
He decapitated both with one awesome swing. (Fluff, it was actually Cleave.)

Well, you know, that is the canon fluff for Cleave.

DracoDei
2012-07-18, 03:20 PM
I have a couple:

1: there was a bard in the group I DM who did not exactly... fit in. Well the rest of the group (usually) makes reasonable and tactical decisions, the bard decided that he meant every bit of the CN written on his character sheet. Things he has done include:
a) Me: There are two men with crossbows behind an overturned table at the end of the hallway. You can just see a large room behind them.
Paladin: (to bard) see if you can get past them to the room.
Bard: Sure.
The bard is wearing the robes of a sorc they killed earlier. Over his armor. Still he bluffs his way up the two men.
Guard: (rolls 20 on perception) Your robes seem ill-fitting.
Bard: I just finished eating the intruders.
See, I would give him a huge minus to his bluff checks, but succeed or fail they would still have to roll a will save to avoid being dazed for a round from either horror (if the bluff check succeeded) or shear confusion (if the bluff check failed).



In the previously mentioned room:
Me: the balcony is maybe 15 feet off the ground. There are stairs leading down at the end of the balcony.
Bard: I jump off the balcony.

Much later, they are attacking an enemy camp. They spot a concealed pit by the camp's perimeter, and trip one of the guards into it. They ignore him, figuring they can deal with him later. And engage the rest of the camp.
Me: Alright, your turn.
Bard: How deep is the pit again?
Me: 30 ft.
Bard: alright. I jump into it, trying to land on the guy.
Whole table: *stunned silence*
Me: *sigh* Roll.
We get back to the bard's turn.
Bard: I try to climb up the side of the pit.
Paladin: GOOD.
Bard: So I can jump on him again (rolls reasonably well on climb).
Me: you climb up five feet.
Bard: *cast damaging spell*
Next round, the bard doesn't roll quite as well, and only climbs four feet.
Me: If you jump from here, you won't quite damage the guy.
Bard: Fine. I try to tunnel through the sand (they are in a desert).
Everyone: WHAT?
Suffice to say, the bard's player now has a rogue.


If he misses such antics you might point him in the direction of Swordsage with a Falling Anvil focus (see my signature). It could allow him to indulge his roleplaying preferences in a more... mechanically effective way.


In a one off session I played in, we were all level one, and shenanigans ensued:
1) Explaining to the villain that the kingdom we just invented first imports wheat then exports it.
2) Try to convince the villain that the same kingdom's religious ceremonies involve push ornate-yet-mass produced boxes into volcanoes.
3) Hitting on the deceased villain's wife.
Well, depending on what their relationship was, I could totally see that. If they were abused or something and your Diplomacy check modifier is high enough to have a good chance to pull off such awesomeness? Totally turn that poor woman's life around in just a few days by showing her that chivalry (in every sense of the word) is not dead.

4) poking air holes in the Tarrasque's prison.
How did you manage to get ahold of the TOOLS to do #4 at level 1?

It's my DM's Homebrew. But other things I have quickdrawed out of my magic pockets include

a Giant Spider (Our Synthesist Summoner)
A Samurai
Bombs
A Wide variety of guns
A Warforged Detective.
An Angry Scotsman on a talking motorcycle.
Several corpses.
Link to Synthesist?
And the second to last one is the only one that is odd by my standards.

BRC
2012-07-19, 10:04 AM
Link to Synthesist?
And the second to last one is the only one that is odd by my standards.

The Synthesist (http://www.d20pfsrd.com/classes/base-classes/summoner/archetypes/paizo---summoner-archetypes/synthesist)

Same Campaign
We're shaking down leads at a racetrack. My character places a bet on the favorite horse (Steam Trolley)

Meanwhile, the Samurai has wandered into the stables, and manages to get them to let him ride one of the horses (Flash Boots). He does really well on his rolls and wins the race.

He later uses Flash Boots to chase down a really annoying Alchemist we were trying to find (I got paralyzed by that same alchemist and used as a projectile weapon by the Minotaur).

MidgetMarine
2012-07-19, 05:31 PM
I'm presuming we're allowed to post other funny game stories in here. If not, I apologize in advance.

In my latest Shadowrun 4e campaign, we've got a female elven face, a extraordinarily attractive one at that. And as well as being able to barter with Mr. Jhonson(s), the player didn't want to fall into the stereotypes of a face by being "great socially but rubbish in combat" or the "Can talk well, and shoot fine too." And so ranks were put into unarmed combat and the Specialization of (+2 Seduction) being purchased with some BP. Now, the results of this choice have come into play a few times but this was the best one.

Trying to get into a mid-level corp scientist's private office, the characters don't want to get into a fire fight in the middle of the street with the armed guard in front of the office as there is a rather heavy Knight Errant presence in the area due to one of their previous run's consequences. So, after the group hacker has successfully set the security camera on the door to loop 10 seconds of footage of the guard just standing about, the face leaps into action. And by leaps, I mean walks up, dressed in a suit jacket, pants and blouse. (the blouse being buttoned down maybe slightly too low for normal social interaction) Approaching the guard the elf greets him. [As a note, I'm not including dice rolls but I can tell you that the elf wasn't doing too bad for herself, roll wise. the guard really didn't stand a chance.]

Elf: Hello there, handsome.

Guard: (slightly surprised and taken aback.) evening, Ma'am.

Elf: I've been wondering something, and you look like the man to ask.

Guard: Ask away.

Elf: That crime scene a few blocks away, what happened?

Guard: Some criminals had a grudge against an important go-ganger in the area. they took a rather direct approach.

Elf: (feigning confusion) direct approach?

Guard: they killed him.

elf: *gasp* How terrible. Did you see it happen, you poor thing. (runs her hand down the guard cheek in fake sympathy.)

Guard: Yes ma'am, I was.

(This results in raucous laughter from the rest of the team, who are listening in, because the guard wasn't anywhere near the scene as far as they know. And it's quite evident that he's trying to impress the elf)

Elf: Were you scared?

Guard: No ma'am, people in my line of work have to learn that fear is a luxury that we don't have the time for.

Elf: You're so brave.

Guard: Thank you ma'am.

Elf: While fear is out of the question, I'm sure you have time for other luxuries, don't you?

(The elf has been steadily getting closer to the guard this whole time, and is now pretty much pressing herself up against him, as she slides her hand down his thigh.)

Guard: (Obviously thinking he's going to get lucky, but slightly torn.)
I'm currently on duty, though.

Elf: (interrupting, leans in and whispers in his ear.) Oh, it won't take long, I promise.

Guard: (looking around, speaking quietly) alright.

At this point, the elf, unbeknownst to the guard, has slipped on a shock glove.

Elf: perfect.

At this moment, the elf slams her hand around the back of the guard's unprotected neck, and activates the shock glove. Suffice to say, the guard went down fast. neither I, nor the players, stopped laughing for a while, especially as their characters drove their van up, bound and gagged the unconscious guard, and threw him in. When he came to, the guard was tied up and thoroughly gagged, stuck in the interior of the van, with little note taped to the opposite wall reading. "Call me." with no number accompanying it.

Baltic
2012-07-19, 10:05 PM
It's 3.5, and my DM wants to run a high level dungeon crawl, starting at lvl 17 without really knowing what he's getting into. The other two guys roll up hack and slash types. One's got a very unoptimized Half-Fiend Fighter. The other's got a monk who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

I decide to play a Halfling Bard named Elroy Grasso'blue.
A hillbilly Halfling Bard.
Armed with a banjolele, the Leadership feat (my character's cousin was a Fighter named Bubba), and a crapton of social-fu, we set off on our adventure.

Things were going fairly well for a thrown-together game, and walk into a room with a Marilith Demon in it.

Now my DM wasn't the type to get bogged down in details. He and the other lads liked combat combat combat. But at the time I was bound and determined to show them there was more to life than being a murderhobo. I checked with the DM to be sure the thing spoke common, and it did. So in my best southern drawl, I tell my fellow players, "Don't worry boys, ah got this."

"Scuse me, ma'am? These fellers and I got ourselves lost in this impressive place. We ain't lookin' for any trouble, and if it's all right with you, we'll just scoot on by to the exit and be on our way. How'd that be?"

My DM realizes I'm trying "that Diplomacy thing", and I make my roll. I roll well, my bonuses are through the roof and I blow the Marilith out of the water. However, my DM says "okay, she's indifferent, she's not attacking you at least. But she's not letting you by."

All right, that's a start.

My character pipes up again. "Dang, this place you got here is some hot, and it's enough to make a fella a mite bit hungry. I'm gonna reach into mah pack here and grab me a little somethin' to eat. No need to get skittish, y'hear?"

I had been eating mango at the time out of character, and asked if my character could have one in his pack to eat as well, so I could use the item as a bit of a prop. My DM okays it, since he encourages a little freeform fun now and then.

The little halfling bard starts peeling his mango with a little knife (again assuring the Marilith she's not under a threat from him or his party members), and mumbles "Y'know, this mango is so good, it reminds me of the time my ancestor Jethro Grasso'blue found hisself the first mango. Lemme tell you the story."

I look at the DM with an almost feral grin. "Bardic Music: Fascinate with Maxed Perform (oratory) and a bunch of skill bonuses. Enjoy your will save."

The Marilith blows the save, and she's fascinated. My character has her around his little finger, telling her all about this funny little halfling trying to climb a mango tree.

(Amazingly, the two guys I was partied with did not try to attack her while she was Fascinated. That in itself, was fascinating)

"And the best thing about mangos? Sharing."

One of the dirty bard-fu tricks I had up my character's sleeve was slipping a suggestion effect into the Fascinate. She got a re-roll, sure, but she blew that.

The suggestion?

"Share...share with us..."

She ended up splitting the room's loot with us and joining us as an ally.

And I?

I got to say that I bested a demon with a damn mango. :smallbiggrin:

Erik Vale
2012-07-19, 10:34 PM
....
Did your character get an on the spot Deity level? Just saying. You convinced a demon to join the forces of good, with a damn mango....

And people think bards are useless.

Karoht
2012-07-19, 10:45 PM
And I?
I got to say that I bested a demon with a damn mango. :smallbiggrin:
Isn't that the best loot of all?

+1 and a half internets for you sir. Sorry about the half, it's all I got on me.

Got another mango on you by chance?

SamBurke
2012-07-19, 11:05 PM
Best story I have was in my short lived career playing 4e.

We were doing Dark Sun, and the world was fittingly craptastic. As we walked through a town, attempting to get to our objective. Well, our Bard was a "free" soul. That means he tried to seduce anything female that walked across our path.

Including the 9 foot giantess who gave us directions.

And immediately fell desperately in love with said bard.

And immediately dragged him away to her private room.

And didn't let him out for the next two days.

Yeah... he actually never showed up for the rest of the campaign, though we cut back to see "what was happening."

I actually nearly died writing this post; I laughed the whole way through. And now my larynx is about to explode.

Karoht
2012-07-19, 11:11 PM
Best story I have was in my short lived career playing 4e.

We were doing Dark Sun, and the world was fittingly craptastic. As we walked through a town, attempting to get to our objective. Well, our Bard was a "free" soul. That means he tried to seduce anything female that walked across our path.

Including the 9 foot giantess who gave us directions.

And immediately fell desperately in love with said bard.

And immediately dragged him away to her private room.

And didn't let him out for the next two days.

Yeah... he actually never showed up for the rest of the campaign, though we cut back to see "what was happening."

I actually nearly died writing this post; I laughed the whole way through. And now my larynx is about to explode.

No death by snu-snu? Dang.

Dire Panda
2012-07-19, 11:45 PM
Had a good one tonight.

At the end of the current plot arc, the PCs faced a gut-wrenching decision. A certain artifact had to be activated within a day to forestall the Apocalypse-Which-Cannot-Be-Succinctly-Explained and give the heroes enough time to reach the other three plot devices. They made it to the dungeon with plenty of time to spare. Trouble was, in the center of the dungeon they ran into something they hadn't expected - a chained titan, sealed away in ancient times for rebelling against the gods (the deities in this setting, even the allegedly good ones, viewed mortals as a fuel source - this titan was actually trying to protect the mortal races). He was a sympathetic figure and a powerful potential ally, and the PCs wanted to free him, except for one thing - the artifact (which was actually the dungeon itself) couldn't be activated without killing him.

No problem, right? The heroes had earlier acquired the artifact Sealbreaker, a hammer capable of breaking any protective or binding spell, even those of the gods. Unfortunately, it couldn't dispel the work of the gods without permanently costing the wielder his life - and I'd been very clear that only a sapient being who was not under magical coercion could use it. The dungeon was far too remote for them to return to civilization and find a willing sacrifice before the time limit ran out. I wanted the PCs to face an impossible choice between killing a heroic innocent and sacrificing their own lives.

...well, they were too smart for me. "Wait, isn't the definition of a sentient creature something with 3 or more INT?" From there it was a simple matter of finding an ape in the surrounding jungle, casting Charm Animal, placing our swordsage's Headband of Intellect on it... and tricking the newly-sapient ape into striking the titan's chains with the hammer.

So much for gut-wrenching moral choices, huh?

DracoDei
2012-07-20, 12:05 AM
....
Did your character get an on the spot Deity level? Just saying. You convinced a demon to join the forces of good, with a damn mango....

And people think bards are useless.
Who said the PCs were necessarily the forces of Good?
I mean they COULD have been, but that was never specified I don't think.


...well, they were too smart for me. "Wait, isn't the definition of a sentient creature something with 3 or more INT?" From there it was a simple matter of finding an ape in the surrounding jungle, casting Charm Animal, placing our swordsage's Headband of Intellect on it... and tricking the newly-sapient ape into striking the titan's chains with the hammer.

So much for gut-wrenching moral choices, huh?
Nice trick, but I wouldn't allow Headbands of Intellect to break the Int -/1/2 to Int 3+ barrier like that just on general principles. I might let them get away with it just that once as a reward for creative thinking though.

Tantaburs
2012-07-20, 07:24 AM
A While ago i was playing a Warforged Barbarian who was Illiterate and had a int score of 7. However I singlehandly saved a librarian from a mugging so he gave me a lesson on history. I was allowed to put a single rank in Knowledge(History). Later on we ventured into a cavern that had reports of undead coming from it. after clearing out a wing of the cavern which didn;t have undead but did have some hostile dwarves we noticed a small crack in the wall. The rest of the party worked on trying to find a way through the wall as they could see a intricate network of caves on the other side. they managed to get a light source through the crack and could make out some cave drawing on the other side.

While they were doing all this I was dismembering the dwarves into as many little pieces as i could when i noticed everyone making knowledge checks to see what the painting were. I decided to roll my knowledge History. Nat 20. My Illierate barbarian with an Int score of 7 went from hacking a pile of ~ 6 dwarves into as many little pieces as he could to giving a dissertation on the various tunneling and artworks of the species of cave gnomes that have inhabited this area for the past 500 years.

Emperordaniel
2012-07-20, 10:39 AM
After the TN gnome fighter in our party hitched up with a gnome waitress, got drunk, and jumped out a third-story window because he wanted to go downstairs (nearly killing both himself and the inn's owner in the process when he landed on him), the CG human wilder/cleric and my LG elf cleric/ex-bard decided to go "flumph hunting" so that no one would get injured in the future if the fighter jumped out a window again. After some exploring through the town, we finally found a place that my ex-bard had decided would be a "dramatically appropriate place" for flumphs to visit.

DM: You turn the bend in the narrow road and come across two flumph ghosts floating near the base of the bell tower.
Wilder/Cleric: *proceeds to fail his saves against both ghosts' appearance*
Me: Ghost flumphs?! TURN UNDEAD! *rolls an 8 on his turning check* Rats.
DM: Okay... *rolls a 5 and 6 for the flumphs' turn resistance* The ghosts, cowered by your display of positive energy, immediately turn and flee the scene.
Me: Really? :smallsmile:
DM: *rolls* Moments later, a human ghost falls from the sky and splats on the ground below in the exact spot where the flumphs were floating before you Turned them.
Wilder/Cleric: Those flumphs were there for a reason?

At this point, we all burst into uncontrollable laughter which forced a pause to the game for the next few minutes (after which we decided to make our characters start laughing as well). :smallbiggrin:

BRC
2012-07-20, 10:53 AM
Elroy Grasso'blu and the Mango of Truth
That is amazing. I now want to put Elroy Grasso'blu in my campaigns as a kindly bard, traveling the world, teaching the importance of sharing.

Curtis6566
2012-07-20, 11:31 AM
That is amazing. I now want to put Elroy Grasso'blu in my campaigns as a kindly bard, traveling the world, teaching the importance of sharing.

Don't forget about the importance of mangos too! :smallbiggrin:

Flame of Anor
2012-07-20, 11:45 AM
I'm presuming we're allowed to post other funny game stories in here. If not, I apologize in advance.

As per the first post,


really, any tabletop RPG is just fine.

:smallsmile:


not under magical coercion

...

casting Charm Animal

How did that work? Or was the Charm Animal dismissed and then the ape mundanely tricked?


I got to say that I bested a demon with a damn mango. :smallbiggrin:

Whoa. Too awesome.

Mono Vertigo
2012-07-20, 02:57 PM
Sooo, Elroy Grasso'blue won the thread, or by default, some unique award.
*slow clap*
And that's only with a mango. Imagine what he would have achieved with the Doctor's celery.

Dire Panda
2012-07-20, 05:13 PM
Or was the Charm Animal dismissed and then the ape mundanely tricked?

That. It's not too hard to trick something that's still adjusting to a sudden doubling of brainpower. (For further reference, see me while my morning coffee has yet to kick in)

Baltic
2012-07-21, 08:11 AM
That is amazing. I now want to put Elroy Grasso'blu in my campaigns as a kindly bard, traveling the world, teaching the importance of sharing.

Please do! And feel free to add as many twists to the character as you like. I voiced him with a blend of Larry the Cable guy's enthusiasm and Forrest Gump's slower speech pattern. I also threw in a dash of the accent one of my favorite college professors had.

He was a classy older southern gent who loved William Faulkner even more than William Shakespeare, but could make anything he was talking about sound interesting. "Shakespeare's...just bawdy. Just... accept it. Git yer minds in the gutter, people. In Romeo and Juliet...when the servants are talkin...and one says 'Mah naked weapon is out,'...he is not talkin about the dagger on his belt..."

When it came to using Perform (Oratory) for Elroy's Bardic Music Abilities, I had a few tales loosely hashed out that I would use if needed, all pertaining to various kinfolk. (feel free to use these or make up your own)

Inspire Courage told the story of Elroy's gramma Myretha Grasso'blu and the time "Them thar Goblins came a' courtin".

Countersong was a rambling story about his family tree (and yes, "I'm My Own Grandpa" inspired it) designed to confuse and break the brain of the spellcaster who heard it.

Fascinate as you recall was the mango story, but feel free to insert any sort of scene-appropriate folk tale involving an ancestor of the Grasso'blu line.

If you're going to use Inspire Competence, the more "Git'er done!" the better, in my opinion. But if you want to tell the tale about the time Jethro Grasso'blu had to keep his smellhound from gettin' into the vittles, that works too.

Inspire Greatness were tales of Bo and Luke Grasso'blu, dodgin' the law and ridin' around on their big orange riding dawg who jumped a lot. Generally speakin, they were awesome.

Can't rightly recall what I had for Song of Freedom.

Inspire Heroics, though? That was Jethro Grasso'blu's famous last stand against them Redneck Treefolk who kept tryin' to get into his 'shine. (Those familiar with a webcomic by the name of Something Positive might recall these)


Now, as for another story to keep this thread going, I'll tell you a tale from an Exalted campaign I was in. My girlfriend was playing an Abyssal named Red (short for The Red Widow, a name we deliciously and shamelessly stole from a George R.R. Martin novella), a master of the Laughing Wounds style of Martial Art. For those less familiar with Exalted, think Ivy from Soul Calibur, with even more Dominatrix (and a fair dash of crazy) added.

Red had a retinue of "pretties", a small group of awakened undead servants who would carry her around in a palanquin, tend to her needs, and assist in her delightful endeavors.

My girlfriend actually managed to do one of the things Mr. Welch isn't allowed to do in RPGs (a fantastic list, I'm sure many of you have seen it) after a Seven Samurai/Magnificent Seven inspired battle by rolling around and making carnage angels. The best part? She hadn't seen the list and wasn't aware of that entry. The bunch of us who were aware of these facts had a great and uproarious laugh at this.

In addition to playing my own character (a repentant Abyssal cross between Roland Deschain and Jonah Hex), I also got to play some of her servants. One of them (Baltic, my handle's namesake), was the resident Sick Puppy of the group.

His response to the battle was to hold a puppet show using parts of the people we'd ganked since he didn't get to take part (his Mistress ordered him to keep children safe during the battle so the other Exalts wouldn't complain, and he followed this to the letter...then held his puppet show afterwards when no one was looking).

We made our way eventually to a wonderful ancient city concealed in a jungle, and amazingly, we get granted an audience with the ruler of the city. A nasty sort by the name of Raksi, the Queen of Fangs. (She eats babies, don't ya know). She has books we need access to, but how to distract her?

Red: "Baltic, come forward. Present yourself to the Queen. Keep her... entertained."

Baltic was not only an awakened undead, he'd been sentient for some time (in our game's fluff, he was one of the first servants of The Lover Clad in the Raiment of Tears) and was a student of various hedonist and sadomasochist delights. Long story short, if anyone could keep the Queen of Fangs entertained, it'd be him.

Rather than subject a gaming table to descriptive squick, I cut-scened to the next morning, with Baltic making Raksi tea, a la Grissom and Lady Heather from CSI: Vegas. The thought of someone as epic and badass as Raksi reduced to blissful smiles and something approaching warmth brought more than a few laughs at our table. :)

The Glyphstone
2012-07-21, 08:18 AM
Mangos are the fruit of the gods.

DontEatRawHagis
2012-07-21, 06:26 PM
So I was in the last session of a Super Villain game using spycraft. Kind of depressing for me, but funny for everyone else. My character was a demon, my friends were a Tech Ninja, Daredevil, Sniper, Immortal, Gunslinger, and evil CEO. The Solver is the BBEG

Gunslinger: I shoot at the "Solver". *Wink Wink Nudge Nudge*
GM:Okay. Roll *Gunslinger Rolls* Demon what's your defense?
Me: He's shooting at me!
Gunslinger: No I'm shooting at the "Solver". *Air Quotes*
Me: Do I see him?
GM: No he's behind the Solver.

I decided that my character thought the Solver was getting extra shots off so I retreated into a nearby crowd.

Gunslinger: I shoot at "the Solver". *Air quotes*
GM: You don't see him.
Gunslinger: I shoot at the Solver then. *No air quotes*

---------------------------------

The sniper was also taking pot shots at me, because the Immortal wanted me dead. The reason, because I killed my nemesis, which he had a vendetta with. But at the end of the game the GM asked us what we wanted to do before we tried to escape.

GM: So what would you guys like to do.
Sniper: I want to shoot the guy.
GM: Which one?
Sniper: The one on the first Note I passed to you. *rolls*
GM: Okay. Demon, what's Immortals defense?
Immortal: What? I hired you to kill Demon!

Talking to the GM afterwards the Immortal hired the Sniper to kill everyone else, in exchange for his life. The Sniper didn't think he would stick with his deal, so in the end he sniped the Immortal in the head.

Rallicus
2012-07-21, 07:07 PM
Picture time again I guess.

Told this story before. It was a very memorable session, with the most memorable party of all time.

http://www5.picturepush.com/photo/a/8788023/img/8788023.jpg

Flame of Anor
2012-07-21, 10:59 PM
Picture time again I guess.

Told this story before. It was a very memorable session, with the most memorable party of all time.

http://www5.picturepush.com/photo/a/8788023/img/8788023.jpg

Is that...Goku?

Doorhandle
2012-07-21, 11:15 PM
Looks more like an evil verison of Krillin wearing Goku's scalp as a wig.

Kjata
2012-07-22, 09:43 AM
So, we are playing Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay, and I'm a playing what is basically a mild version of a murder hobo. I'm more like an aggressive mugger who the party only puts up with because I was the best in a fight, so I was payed to be muscle. Anyway, eventually the DM decided to teach me a lesson...

We arrived in a small city where the town guard is known to be pretty active in stopping crime, but very corrupt. Murder will probably only get you a large "fine," and their jails are filled with only the poor.

So my character, Felix, decides "Hey, I could get behind this kind of work. It's basically what I'm doing now, only the law is on my side!" So he goes to apply.

Keep in mind, that I've basically been on a crime spree for the last 4 cities, I'm wanted for over a dozen assaults and muggings, and the murder of a town guard.

So, I go in and ask to apply. The guard gives me a funny look, then smirks and points to the "Wanted" wall. Where I see myself on a poster.

"Son of a bitch..."

I lost all my ill gotten wealth, some of my legitimate wealth, and a very cushy job compared to wandering in the wilderness of the empire.

DontEatRawHagis
2012-07-24, 08:26 AM
Star Wars RPG.

I was the Wookiee. Everyone else was a Jedi.

Jedi 1: I step up to the bar.
Bartender: Hey, man. The usual?
Jedi 2: Your a regular here?
Jedi 1: Psh Yeah.

next bar

Jedi 1: I step up to the bar.
Bartender: Hey, man. The usual?
Jedi 2: Your a regular here too?
Jedi 1: Psh Yeah.

Lemmy
2012-07-24, 11:36 AM
I love this thread!

Can't post right now, but I'll come back with a few stories of my own later!

ZeroGear
2012-07-24, 01:05 PM
We were in a castle, and in our group of casters (one summoner, one sorceress, one wizard, one magic, and an alchemist) I (the alchemist) am the only one with ranks in disable device and a form of dispelling magic (gotta live dispel bombs). Therefore, I am the go-to guy when it comes to traps.

So in this castle, we came to a five-foot-wide corridor with a door at the end. When our magus stepped on one of the tiles, he and the wizard got zapped with a lightning bolt. Upon detecting magic, we find that every tile between us and the door radiates magic, meaning that each one is trapped.
Being the only one able to disable traps, I use endure elements on myself and begin disabling the traps.
I'm succeeding most of the time, only rolling one fail, until I get to the second-to-last tile. Then this happened:

Me: I disable the trap (rolls a 3)
DM: You fail roll a reflex save.
Me: (succeeds)
DM: Take 18 points of damage
Me: I try again (Rolls a 1)
DM: Reflex
Me: (Rolls) Crap, I failed.
DM: (Rolls dice) take 35 damage
Me: Again (fails check and reflex)
DM: Take 35 damage
Me: Again! (Fails both)
DM: 23 damage, your protection is gone and you take normal damage.
Me: Iyaaaaaaaa! (actual scream)
DM: As you scream, you see a rock fall from the ceiling onto the ground in front of you, make another reflex.
Me: (fails) oh no.
DM: Take 21 damage
Me: I run back to the others.

End result was me getting electrocuted to within 3 hit points, me finally managing to disable one of the remaining traps, us finding out that the one who dropped the rock was a skeleton, and us taking over the castle.
At the time, everyone was laughing at me getting barbecued.

newBlazingAngel
2012-07-24, 01:21 PM
How high level were you?

Azernak0
2012-07-24, 08:52 PM
As a DM, I have a soft spot for Fleshrakers. It is kind of a running joke in my world with how often I have used them against the party. One player HATES them more than he should. He usually plays a character with a massive AC and a bigger fortitude save so they shouldn't be a problem.

Shouldn't.

Me: Ok, that is 3 poison attempts. *rolls eyes* Go ahead and save.
Him: *rolls 3 d20* Well, I got to an 11 combined with 3 dice. Soooo, I think I failed.
Me: Alright, that's 12 Dex damage.
*2 minutes later*
Me: Ok, your up.
Him: *looks to me with the most amount of contempt possible* I. Have. Negative. 6. Dex.

I had forgotten that he had rolled exceptionally poorly in the last fight.

The winner was this situation though:

The party is looking into a couple murders and heard that this one rich kook was particularly nasty. He would pay money for people to disfigure themselves (Devil who worshiped Mistress of Pain). This is the exchange as they approached his house.

Me: As you knock on the door, it swings open after a very short delay. On the other side of the door is a large Ogre in a suit.
Beguiler: "What are you doing here?!"

There was a silence for a good 9 seconds as we all kind of stared at him. The silence was broken by someone stating "I think he just cast Confusion in real life..."

To this day, we have no idea what the hell he was talking about.

Deepbluediver
2012-07-25, 02:07 PM
I'm telling this story second-hand; I was not involved, but I heard about it from one of the DMs that I gamed with.



The group had travelled several millenia back in time, chasing after the BBEG who was attempting a Terminator-esque plot to alter history and thereby remove many obstacle to his schemes in the future. One of the targets on his hit-list was the major good aligned city that in the present was home to, and the home-base for, many of the group's members.

Arriving in the past, they are lagging somewhat behind the BBEG, and are faced with the task of tracking him down. The group, lacking a solid lead and realizing that their Wand of Teleportation is running low on charges, decided to split the party. 2 members will stay behind to search and see if they can uncover either the BBEG or his minions, and the other 2 will teleport to their home city (where they are well-known heros) in order to prepare defensive measures, then purchase another wand and rejoin the rest of the group.

Spending the LAST two charges in the wand, they teleport several hundred miles and arrive...in the middle of a dense jungle. Somewhat perplexed, they look around a bit (but of course they characters with good search checks had stayed behind). Not finding anything, they query the DM, who informs them that: "Yes, this is the spot they wanted, and yes, magic is functioning correctly". Then he instructs them to make spot and listen checks since their frantic search is stirring up the local wildlife.

The entire group is growing increasingly frustrated and not in the mood for a random encounter, and starts to harrass the DM about how come they managed to lose an entire city. The DM, who is somewhat frustrated himself with the players missing the obvious truth, says "The settlers that build the town that will become X City won't arrive for another (brief pause to consult notes)... another 400 years or so."
[As I mentioned, the history of the city was not unknown to the players, as they have had several campaigns where the city has played an important role.]

The entire group is stupified into silience.

DM: What? You're 25 centuries in the past, you can't expect everything to be exactly the same. This whole plot line is based around changing the past to effect the future.

All four players stare at each other in slowly-dawning horror; they are seperated, half a continent apart, with no conceivable means to regroup, or even communicate. The DM re-instructs the 2 players to make spot and listen checks, which they do, somewhat apprehensively, because the DM had previously informed them that he was swapping to a more "primeval" encounter table for this pre-civilized world.

Their characters turn to face the crashing noises coming from the jungle, and prepare to either fight or flee, depending on what emerges. The DM rolls a dice, and consults his encounter table. Then he rechecks the dice. Then he double checks his table.

DM: Crashing out of the jungle comes giant prehistoric monster, which you quickly identify as...*sigh*...the Tarrasque.

Player 1 and 2 look at each other, totally at a loss for how to proceed. They look towards players 3 & 4, who know what is going on Meta-game wise, but who's character's won't realize anything is wrong for at least a week, and have virtually no chance of finding and/or resurecting them.
No help to be had from that quarter either.

Player 1: I roll for...I make a.... *stops and looks at player 2*
Player 2: We want to....make...a...something....to....not do....THIS! *looks in desperation at the DM*

The DM is himself pretty stumped, not having expected the normally competent group to mess up quite this badly.

DM: Alright, umm....(he stops and thinks for nearly a full minute)
DM: Make a wisdom check.

Players 1 & 2: *roll dice* is 15 good enough?

DM: Uhm, suuuuure. You all stand around the time portal, chuckling about what a terrible mistake it would be to teleport halfway around the world to a city that won't be built for another thousand years.

All: *breathe a sigh of relief*

ZeroGear
2012-07-25, 02:21 PM
How high level were you?
I was level 9. The sorceress was 7 (had died and lost some levels), the wizard was 8, the magus was 10, and the summoner was 12.


*awesome story*

That was awesome. Be happy the DM was nice enough to let you undo that mistake.

Lemmy
2012-07-25, 02:25 PM
DM: Uhm, suuuuure.

These two words made me lol! The players should pay the pizzas for the next weeks!

Erik Vale
2012-07-25, 05:52 PM
Yes, player saving through acheived through DM pity....
A good laugh.

Hyena
2012-07-26, 05:22 AM
Well, I don't know if this one is funny enough.
In the beginning of the campaign, my paladin caught a nasty decease that reduced his strength and constitution by 2 every day. The party decided to seek for the herb that will heal from it, but in the middle of the forest we suddenly remembered that we have absolutely no food. Party ranger, Vasily, was to find some meat, but when it came to the survival checks, he rolled... rather poorly.
He rolls. Fail. Rolls again. Fail. Rolls again. Fail. And again. And again. Whoa! Natural one! Thus, he walked right into a big hungry wolf, that looked rather... interested in our Vasily. Ranger's first reaction was to shot him, but he rolled poorly (again) on the damage roll, damaging the animal for the amount of 2. After realization that he is as good as eaten, he tried to roll the handle animal skill, trying to tame the predator. Wolf was rather shocked by the attempt, so this bought for Vasily some time to flee.
It was nearly midnight, when he returned to the camp. After scolding him for a poor job and bickering for a while, we went asleep. Then our DM chuckled a little and asked us to make Listen checks. The only one, who made it, was the ranger.
- What do I see, when I wake up? - he asked.
- There is a pack of wolves right in front of you. By the way, their leader has an arrow in the ear.

RayGallade
2012-07-26, 09:38 AM
So, we're playing through The Red Hand of Doom, party consists of

Half-Orc Fighter - Vurzand
Gnome Sorcerer - Kasma
Gnome Druid (was once Half-Elf, then Reincarnate hit) - Kothar
Half-Elven Ranger (me) - Issani

We've just finished off some giants when we notice a named red dragon. Kothar turns into a dire bat while Kasma casts fly on me. We make it over to the dragon in half a minute. We drop off Vurzand on a nearby tower and prepare to attack the dragon. I shoot at the dragon to signal the rest of the party. Now, my character has the brilliant idea to insult the dragon to draw his attention off the others. It works, somewhat. Kothar flies up to the dragon and spits venom into his eyes, blinding him for a round.

After that, I decide, "Hey, why not be like Legolas?" and try to land on the dragon. I miss, bounce off, and grab on to his neck. Kothar then staggers the dragon with Frigid Touch while Kasma orders her familiar, a weasel, to jump onto the dragon's back. After pulling myself up onto the dragon, I shoot and miss. Kothar shoots some lightning at the dragon while Kasma's familiar uses Frigid Touch on the dragon. Next two rounds, same thing, but I fumble on one and cause myself one point of damage.

My turn again, I use Manyshot, critical hit. Taking my second shot, another critical hit. Named dragon dies. We just killed a named red dragon in six rounds and the only damage we took was one point of self-inflicted bleed.

Flame of Anor
2012-07-26, 01:36 PM
he is as well as eaten

As good as eaten. :smallwink:

holywhippet
2012-07-26, 07:25 PM
Well, I don't know if this one is funny enough.
In the beginning of the campaign, my paladin caught a nasty decease that reduced his strength and constitution by 2 every day.

Paladins are immune to all diseases in 3rd edition (which you had to be playing since handle animal isn't in any other edition) from level 3 onwards. Are you saying your DM gave you a disease that reduces STR and CON by 2 per day at level 1/2?

Hyena
2012-07-27, 12:20 PM
As good as eaten.
Oh, my english is so amazing.


Are you saying your DM gave you a disease that reduces STR and CON by 2 per day at level 1/2?
1) He hadn't thought of any other good plot hook (my paladin was cured by some druid guy after all)
2) Yes, it was level 2. Actually, I was Fighter 1/Paladin 1, so I should gain 2 more levels to get this immunity.

doko239
2012-07-27, 05:20 PM
My favorite story:

System: World of Warcraft d20
Party: Human Paladin (me), Dwarf Rogue (fond of dual-wielding blunderbusses), High-Elf Mage with a drinking problem, and a Night Elf Ranger who doesn't really come into the story. All 3rd level.

The Hook:
We've been hired to clear out a group of bandits harassing trade routes thru the forest. Typical low-level lead-in "get some experience"-type quest...
The Setup:
After flushing out an ambush along the trade route, we beat the hell out of some bandits, tie them up, and interrogate them to find their base... which turns out to be a fairly well-defended wooden fort in a large clearing deeper in the forest.

After scouting out the area, we decide that the best course of action would be to have the Mage cast Invisibility on the Rogue, then have him sneak up to the fort, climb the outer wall, unlock the gate, then sneak back out again.

At first, the plan works flawlessly. Rogue gets in and un-bars the front gate without anyone noticing him. He gets up to the outer wall again... and finds a sentry walking patrol only a few feet away. Well, our hero can't pass up a chance like that! He decides to sneak up right behind the sentry, pull out BOTH blunderbusses, and unload them at point-blank range into the poor helpless CR1/4 mook right in front of him. 3d6 from each Blunderbuss plus 2d6 per hit for Sneak Attack.
The Punchline:
Meanwhile, back at the party...

Our characters are waiting patiently at the edge of the clearing for our intrepid rogue to come back, when an earth-shattering KABOOOM is heard from the general direction of the camp.

Quoth the GM: "So, it starts raining a fine red mist, and you guys notice a commotion over in the camp."

So, we all start running for the gate, hoping that our rogue has at least managed to get the door open. SURPRISE, in the two rounds it takes us to get there, someone notices the gate's been unbarred and has closed it again.

Meanwhile, the Rogue is now surrounded by the bandits and is fighting for his life. My character, being the big strong Paladin guy, starts trying to break down the gate to aid the poor dumbass.

GM: "Okay, roll me a Strength check to shoulder the door open."
Me: *rolls* "Ugh, a 2"
Rogue: "Kinda need some help here!"

Next Round

GM: "Pally, roll another Strength check"
Me: *rolls* "...a 1"
Rogue: "REALLY COULD USE SOME HELP GUYS"

The above goes on for at least two or three more rounds, until the Mage, who has been flinging spells at the archers on the walls, decides he's had enough, and charges the gate.

Mage: "Awright, pansy-ass Paladin, stand aside if you can't manage it! YEAAAAAAAARGHHHH!"
GM: "Roll it."
Mage: *rolls* "Natural 20!"
Me: "..."
GM: "So, there's an elf-shaped hole in the gate now..."

Needless to say, "Fine red mist" and "Elf-shaped hole" became staple jokes of our gaming group.

USS Sorceror
2012-07-27, 08:19 PM
When I DM games where players have pets (familiars, mounts, animal companions, etc.) with humanlike intelligence, I tend to get pretty goofy with the pets' characterization (my players are kind enough to let me voice their pets).

Our paladin is pretty well known in my campaign world, so his mount became a hotshot warhorse who was overconfident. End result: horse always sounded like The Scout from TF2. Thankfully, for the paladin, the horse didn't pop up much, but when he did summon it, things always got pretty goofy.

Wizard: We need some extra muscle to haul this carriage.
Paladin: I summon my warhorse.
Warhorse: All right boss, what we got goin' today? Giants to slay? Hordes of goblins to fight?
Paladin: *Puts yoke on horse.*
Bard (an avid TF2 player who often plays as Scout): I bet you have some crazy stories, horse.
Me: Actually, only the paladin can hear him.
Bard: :smallfrown:

Doorhandle
2012-07-27, 09:51 PM
...Maybe he wants the animal speaker (http://www.d20pfsrd.com/classes/core-classes/bard/archetypes/paizo---bard-archetypes/animal-speaker) archetype?

Anyway, I'm long overdue for a funny story so I shall give you a titbit or so from the current set of encounters.

Fun with doors.
So, we had just cleared out the twisted tower of guards, and saved the damsel (who was a changeling all along: (GODDAMN SKRULLS!), ),There was a door to the underdark and obviously the maguffin. So my burly half-orc monk (as opposed to my “Just won’t freaking DIE” revenant dragon born monk) set about tearing the door off it’s hinges.

Turns out, where I placed my model was not the door we actually wanted to remove. Suffice to say, I blend in with being the Big Dumb Fighter WAAAAAY too easily.

Fun with multiple Awesome personality disorder.

One of the players at our table is pretty amazing all round: not only does he make ridiculously convoluted hybrids that nerveless work like a charm, he’s not a bad role-player, and this came to a head with his current character: An ex-druid, who, after attempting to guard his grove by splitting himself into multiple bodies, went quite insane, and can now manifest his personalities outside his body and hit people with them.

Gems with this character include:
*Yelling at a drow guard “YOU KILLED ME!” after having one of his spirits slain.
* Jokingly asking his D.M if he could have 3 renown points for surviving 8 sessions because there were technically 3 of him. (D.M rules that only if he could keep all his lesser spirits alive, which he did not, sooo…)
* Politely asking a drow prisoner to stay put and not escape… AFTER the psion made her explode into giblets. “And don’t you run off now!”
* Trying to inspire two enslaved goblins to be his brethren in arms by a combination of wild gesticulation and blowing up several of their buddies. (he failed, but they got to escape anyway.)

The psion, by the way, was a chaotic evil shardmind, who we nicknamed him wind-chimes because his telepathy-voice/appearance was like one. Between that and trying to bluff his way into being someone’s thoughts, he fit right in with the party!

Fun with drow-punting.

Speaking of the last-two incidents above, we eventually came to what I was called something along the lines of doomstone keep: a massive stalactite, and a major crossroads in the drow empire, connected around a bottomless-pit by spider-web rope bridges. We had to fight our way pass the keep due to our poor stealth/bluff checks.

Naturally, seeing as we were over a chasm and had as whole bunch of push/slide powers, we spent basically the entire fight shoving or teleporting the drow over the edged and off the cliff.

(un)Fortunately, there was a safety spider web… but the spider was still attached, and much feasting by the giant arachnid ensured. The drow may like spiders but the spiders don’t have to like them.
Bonus: there are several tables all running D&D encounters at the same time at our store. I went up to another group, and their fighter has managed to fall off and was also locked in combat with the spider, which was very much kicking his ass:

Suffice to say, I am glad we didn't trigger THAT bossfight.


Fun with worthless dung.

With another group but the same campaign, we went up to the next challenge: a keep with two enslaved ogres guarding the gate: Dung and Worthless, respectively. In the traditional tokeinein style, we had the drop on them and tried to make them argue against one –another by throwing rocks and blaming it on one of them. This lead to the following conversation:

Worthless: “Dung, stop throwin’ rocks! We’ll get in trouble!”
Dung: “Wasn’t throwing rocks! You were, mate!”
Worthless “ I’m not your mate, I’m your brother!”

After that failure and failed bluff checks (me: “NO-ONE HERE BUT US ROCKS.”) and the drow running in to pelt us with spell and arrow, we tried to get dung to fight worthless… with little success.

Dung: “I can’t fight worthless, he’s my brother!”
Worthless: “I’m not his brother, I’m his mate!”

Dung managed to escape unharmed and ran off but only AFTER we pointed out that he was no-longer chained to the wall due to the effort of the rogue. The player party was not so lucky…

Fun with worthless baseball.

After several successful(wind-genasia racial power) or failed( My monk attempting to jump.) attempts to reach the top of the keep, our halfling rogue managed to throw a grappling hook up to the keep and kill the crap out of the drow there. Then he got cocky, and decided to directly throw down with Worthless the ogre, who was in the courtyard.

However, this mean that Worthless now had a clear shot AND the space to use his encounter power, and he wound up for his strike.
Me: “HIT HIM FOR SIX!”
D.M: **Rolls the damage dice and comes up with enough damage to insta-kill* rogue and splatter his corpse on the opposite wall.**
Me: “…OUTTA THE PARK!”

*(past negative bloodied value!)

falloutimperial
2012-07-27, 11:48 PM
My gaming group has a tendency towards the silly. Once, in a zombie RPG, we fought a man wearing powerful body armor, when he pulls the pin on a grenade. I figure it's a bluff, so I tell my teammates to keep fighting. The explosion proves me wrong. What's embarrassing is that the exact same thing happens again three rounds later, because I thought for sure, I was right this time.

Because it was a zombies RP, one of the first things we did was drive to Gander Mountain. (A hunting and camping store) It became a hub for our missions. At one point, someone asked us who we were. In true superhero fashion, I whispered :smallcool:"We're the Gander Mountain Rangers." The name stuck

In the same campaign, fighting zombies in a Sam's Club, two teammates and I found a forklift and rode into battle with riding it. One player branded us "Scoob Squad" as we surged forward. We were all quickly knocked into negative hit-points. One Squad-member now has a leather jacket, our in-game uniform, with "Scoob Squad" embroidered on it IRL.

Once, we were infiltrating a zombie-infested jail. One player had invited a woman who had never played an RP before to join us. Everything seemed to be going well until she realized he had a better gun than she did. Eventually, she shot and threw grenades at him until he was unconscious, took his things, and never came to another session again.

Whenever we got into confrontations with humans in the RP, because I had ranks in gambling and cheating, I would always challenge them to poker with the catchphrase "Are you a gamblin' man?" To my surprise, one said yes and asked if I had a deck of cards. It was only then that I remembered I did not have any kind of deck on me.

In the eleventh hour of the Gander Mountain Campaign, a fellow member of the Scoob Squad had been using a spiked frisbee he had made early in the RP as a weapon. He had climbed up a tree and was shooting zombies from it. Sixty yards away, we were all climbing into a hatch and it looked like he was going to be left behind. Somehow, he tied a rope to the frisbee, threw it like a grappling hook into the hatch, and ziplined down to safety. He had to burn like three "fate points" (re-rolls specific to the module) but he had accomplished one of the greatest feats of the campaign.

newBlazingAngel
2012-07-27, 11:53 PM
What system is this? Sounds pretty amazing.

Otacon17
2012-07-28, 12:34 AM
Well, it's not exactly something that happened in a session, but I always thpught my cousin's first Mutants & Masterminds character was pretty funny. When I first got the system, I told my players they could use it to build 'practically anything.' My cousin took this as a challenge. He asked, "Can I make a character that turns into a Tyrannosaurus Rex with robot legs? That also spits acid?"

I said yes and asked for his backstory. Thus was born Space Captain Tiberius Rexington - a man who, in the distant future, stole advanced alien shapeshifting technology, allowing him to transform into the acid-spewing, robot-legged Mechasaurus. As punishment for his theft, Space Captain T. Rexington was sent back in time (apparently a fairly common punishment in the future). Now, he fights crime to save innocent lives - because, to quote him, "Man, I don't know how time travel works! What if, like, someone dies in this time period, and then that person was supposed to be my great-great-grandfather, and then I never get born? I have to do my part to make sure that doesn't happen, or whatever."

Unfortunately, the people who sent him back in time eventually realized that they completely forgot to confiscate his shapeshifting tech before sending him back (the future government is... not too bright, apparently), and sent back an agent with similar shapeshifting powers to track him down - the tyrannical Terrordactyl.

Also, he has skill ranks in "Space Guns" and "Space Swords." When I asked him if he meant things like blasters and lightsabers, he said, "No, they're exactly the same as regular guns and swords in every way. But I'm only good with the space ones. If I had a regular Earth weapon, it just wouldn't feel right."

Doorhandle
2012-07-28, 12:47 AM
Well, it's not exactly something that happened in a session, but I always thpught my cousin's first Mutants & Masterminds character was pretty funny. When I first got the system, I told my players they could use it to build 'practically anything.' My cousin took this as a challenge. He asked, "Can I make a character that turns into a Tyrannosaurus Rex with robot legs? That also spits acid?"

I said yes and asked for his backstory. Thus was born Space Captain Tiberius Rexington - a man who, in the distant future, stole advanced alien shapeshifting technology, allowing him to transform into the acid-spewing, robot-legged Mechasaurus. As punishment for his theft, Space Captain T. Rexington was sent back in time (apparently a fairly common punishment in the future). Now, he fights crime to save innocent lives - because, to quote him, "Man, I don't know how time travel works! What if, like, someone dies in this time period, and then that person was supposed to be my great-great-grandfather, and then I never get born? I have to do my part to make sure that doesn't happen, or whatever."

Unfortunately, the people who sent him back in time eventually realized that they completely forgot to confiscate his shapeshifting tech before sending him back (the future government is... not too bright, apparently), and sent back an agent with similar shapeshifting powers to track him down - the tyrannical Terrordactyl.

Also, he has skill ranks in "Space Guns" and "Space Swords." When I asked him if he meant things like blasters and lightsabers, he said, "No, they're exactly the same as regular guns and swords in every way. But I'm only good with the space ones. If I had a regular Earth weapon, it just wouldn't feel right."

Damn! The BEST KIND of loonie!



Hexblade: "What? Should I wait for Mr. were-ugly there to do it while pouncing? I plan to win the bizarre-action competition today, you know."

The best thing about that is that by R.A.W, you can actually trip that.

Spider_Jerusalem
2012-07-28, 06:31 PM
In a battle against two storm elementals, our group was trying to figure out what to do, when the human druid started:

Druid: "I cast bite of the weretiger. I share this spell with my animal companion."

DM: "...with your smilodon companion."

Druid: "Yeah, that's him."

DM: "So now he becomes a... weretiger saber tooth tiger."

Druid: "Hey, I didn't create the spell, man."

DM: "Who the hell created druids? You know what, whatever, you know have a weretiger saber tooth tiger. It has... stripes or something. It's just too goddamn ugly to live. Okay, hexblade, your turn now."

Hexblade: "Well, these guys are actually over-debuffed from my last round, right?"

DM: "Well... yeah, it seems so."

The hexblade then full attacks the elemental, but on his last attack...

Hexblade: "Ok, now I trip it."

DM: "You WHAT?"

Hexblade: "I trip it."

DM: "You trip a GIANT FREAKING LIGHTNING?"

Hexblade: "What? Should I wait for Mr. were-ugly there to do it while pouncing? I plan to win the bizarre-action competition today, you know."

DontEatRawHagis
2012-07-30, 12:54 PM
Star Wars RPG:
Jedi Veterans x 4
Jedi Scientist
Rookie Jedi
Wookie Pilot

So the Four Veteran Jedis and Scientist were told to find an alien that survived a major attack on his planet by Dark Jedi. Turns out the Alien has been spreading anti-jedi propaganda on Coruscant because he feels that the Civil War between Dark and Light will get everyone killed. The Veterans did nothing to quel his fears, in fact they tried to force pull him when he ran away and trap him in a force bubble. As such the Jedi Council gave us the Jedi Rookie to make sure we didn't kill anyone or go against the Jedi Code.

It worked out pretty well until we met a Dark Jedi we were supposed to convince to leave his evil ways. The Rookie Jedi was the first to strike.

Vet 1: Weren't you supposed to keep us in check?
Rookie: Dark Jedi. Have to kill him.
Wookiee: Am I the only one who hasn't tried to commit murder?

BRC
2012-07-30, 01:05 PM
Same 1920's campaign.

People In attendance

Me (The Tommy-gun wielding halfling mobster)
The Boxer
The Summoner
The Sorcadin

So an alchemy lab exploded and scattered obsidian dust everywhere, which is causing an army of undead to rise up and attack the city. The army his holding the bridges just fine, and I've rallied the local gangs to help fight off other incursions. We are going to investigate the site of the lab itself.

We arrive and find zombies digging through the rubble. These are 1hd zombies, so one sweep of my machine gun drops them with no dice rolled (We are 18th level at this point). I feel something grabbing my ankle and make a fort save ( I succeed) against a Spectral-hand carrying some sort of nasty touch spell, which has grabbed my ankle

Cue five minutes of our party, which has today engaged in a midair free-fall battle against a flying demon (It antimagic'd our flying car, and we had to keep summoning air elementals to keep it from crashing until the engine started again) and a group of powerful mind flayers, trying to figure out what to do about the hand while my character jumps around shouting "GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF".

From this point on, I would like to tell the story in two ways. First, how the Sorcadin experienced things, and then how the rest of us experienced things.

The Sorcadin's Story

The Sorcadin uses Detect Evil and gets a ping from under the water. He's got Some sort of buff on that gives him a swim speed and lets him breath underwater (This character was based around buffing himself, he had all four "Hear of X" buffs going, all day, every day), he dives underwater and encounters a necromancer. He attacks, the Necromancer retaliates with a Twinned Harm spell. The Sorcadin blocks one of the harms, but takes damage from the other.

It is at this point that a celestial whale appears in the river.

The Necromancer kills the whale and trades blows with the Paladin again.
At which point another Whale appears.

He turns to kill this whale, and the Paladin retreats, reaching the surface and, using his fly speed (Overland flight, I think), flies away (He is very, very low on hit points).



The Rest of the Party

The spectral hand is now off my foot. The Paladin looks towards the river, shouts "EVIL!" and dives into the water.

We stand dumfounded.

The Summoner starts throwing in some Aquatic summons while me and the Boxer stand there looking confused.

under the water we see splashing and bubbles.

Suddenly, the Sorcadin, looking considerably worse for wear, comes rocketing out of the water at a very high speed shouting

"EEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLL!"

BRC
2012-07-30, 01:06 PM
Same 1920's campaign.

People In attendance

Me (The Tommy-gun wielding halfling mobster)
The Boxer
The Summoner
The Sorcadin

So an alchemy lab exploded and scattered obsidian dust everywhere, which is causing an army of undead to rise up and attack the city. The army his holding the bridges just fine, and I've rallied the local gangs to help fight off other incursions. We are going to investigate the site of the lab itself.

We arrive and find zombies digging through the rubble. These are 1hd zombies, so one sweep of my machine gun drops them with no dice rolled (We are 18th level at this point). I feel something grabbing my ankle and make a fort save ( I succeed) against a Spectral-hand carrying some sort of nasty touch spell, which has grabbed my ankle

Cue five minutes of our party, which has today engaged in a midair free-fall battle against a flying demon (It antimagic'd our flying car, and we had to keep summoning air elementals to keep it from crashing until the engine started again) and a group of powerful mind flayers, trying to figure out what to do about the hand while my character jumps around shouting "GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF".

From this point on, I would like to tell the story in two ways. First, how the Sorcadin experienced things, and then how the rest of us experienced things.

The Sorcadin's Story

The Sorcadin uses Detect Evil and gets a ping from under the water. He's got Some sort of buff on that gives him a swim speed and lets him breath underwater (This character was based around buffing himself, he had all four "Hear of X" buffs going, all day, every day), he dives underwater and encounters a necromancer. He attacks, the Necromancer retaliates with a Twinned Harm spell. The Sorcadin blocks one of the harms, but takes damage from the other.

It is at this point that a celestial whale appears in the river.

The Necromancer kills the whale and trades blows with the Paladin again.
At which point another Whale appears.

He turns to kill this whale, and the Paladin retreats, reaching the surface and, using his fly speed (Overland flight, I think), flies away (He is very, very low on hit points).



The Rest of the Party

The spectral hand is now off my foot. The Paladin looks towards the river, shouts "EVIL!" and dives into the water.

We stand dumfounded.

The Summoner starts throwing in some Aquatic summons while me and the Boxer stand there looking confused.

under the water we see splashing and bubbles.

Suddenly, the Sorcadin, looking considerably worse for wear, comes rocketing out of the water at a very high speed shouting

"EEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL LLLLLL!"
and flies off into the sky.

Spider_Jerusalem
2012-07-30, 09:56 PM
Some funny D&D story.

Heh. There seems to be a slight predominance of transmetropolitans around here, eh? Nice avatar.

LadyFoxfire
2012-07-31, 07:27 AM
I have so many good stories, it would take forever to tell them all. Here are some of the best ones.

Unconventional Ammo

We were playing a Spelljammer campaign where we were all monsters; The captain was a Mindflayer, the first mate was a Beholder, etc. We were being chased by another ship, and we decided that a boarding party was our best option. Problem was, it would take us several rounds to get there, and we'd be easy targets for their cannons while we made the journey. So, we needed a distraction. Maybe we could shoot something onto their ship to keep them too busy to notice our shuttle.

So we start looking around for something that will fit into a cannon or catapult that will keep them busy for a few rounds. Then it hit us: Beholders are spherical, and almost exactly the right size to fit into a catapult. So we loaded him in, buffed up both him and the gunner (the DM ruled that because he was being used as ammunition, we could use ammo buffs on him), and fired. Gunner rolls a natural 20, he lands perfectly on their ship, and immediately starts blasting eye beams everywhere. Needless to say, the resulting chaos allowed us to safely board and capture the ship.

How to Win the Tomb of Horrors

Characters:
My character, Lisa the 14th level human enchantress
Haas, 17th level Yuan-ti necromancer
Nadja, 16th level Yuan-ti envoker
A 15th level Death Knight whose name I can't remember

We're doing the Tomb of Horrors module, and doing pretty well at it. We get to a corridor that ends in a doorway and a statue with an open mouth that reveals only blackness. Now I know that most of you already know what that is, but at the time I had no idea, so there's no metagaming here. Nadja and Haas start examining the door, the Death Knight keeps watch, and I go to look at the statue. I assume that it's probably magical darkness, and look at my character sheet to see if I have anything that would help. I notice that I have a "torch of continual light", which is actually just a torch I cast continual light on, and keep in a heavy bag when I'm not using. I know that continual light cancels out magical darkness, so I thrust my torch into the blackness. The DM tells me to roll a save, which I make, and he tells me that something pulls at my torch, and I barely avoid having my arm pulled into the darkness. I pull my torch out, and the top six inches of it are just gone. A quick identification spell reveals that it is indeed a sphere of annihilation, and that I was lucky I only lost my torch.

Later, we get to a magical portal. We don't know where it leads, so Haas summons a skeleton, casts corpse link on it so he can see what it sees, and sends it through. It catches a brief glimpse of a Demi-lich before being destroyed. We buff up, get ready to attack, and leap through the portal. Suddenly, the two Yuan-tis and I are back at the entrance of the tomb, missing the Death Knight and all of our gear. The DM tells us over the table that the portal sends all non-living matter to the demi-lich's lair, and sends all living matter back outside. I use a limited wish to rewind time thirty seconds, and we try to come up with another plan. We realize that since the skeleton and death knight got through, the portal must allow undead to pass. So if we want to defeat this monster, the DK is going to have to do it on his own. Sounded like a tough fight, but then he pointed out that the easiest way to kill a demi-lich is to cast Power Word: Kill from the ethereal plane, and what do you know, he has a mount that can go ethereal and he gets Power Word as a racial ability. The DM didn't even make play out the combat, he just said "you win, here's the treasure".

The Hangover

Characters: my Elf Duskblade, and a human monk who has a reputation as being grumpy and quick to throw punches.

The Duskblade and monk are out drinking, and some random drunken guy starts giving the monk a hard time. Before I can intervene, the monk does a stunning fist and punches the guy through a wall. The drunk guy's brother gets upset, and challenges the monk to a duel in the arena outside of town in the morning when they're both more sober. I take the brother aside and try to talk him out of it, explaining that the monk is an experienced fighter and he's going to get his butt kicked. The guy assures me he has a plan, and leaves. I tell the monk that the guy seems to be planning to fight dirty, but the monk isn't worried, he says he can handle this guy and his tricks. The next morning, we arrive at the arena, which is just a stone circle in a nearby field, only to find the challenger passed out in the middle of the circle, covered in various plants in what appeared to be a bad attempt at camouflage. We wake him up, and he has no idea where he is, who we are, or why he has poison ivy stuffed down his shirt.

The Tarrasque Incident

The DM fudged the rules a bit to make the plot work, so don't think too hard about it. Same characters as the Tomb of Horrors story, minus the death knight.

Haas had become a minor god thanks to the deck of many things, which caused the government of the Empire of Almouria to decide to take him out. They somehow woke up the tarrasque and put it under a magical compulsion to always head straight for the keep that we were using as our base of operations. We first found out about this when our keep started to shake, and we looked out the window to see the tarrasque bearing down on us. We tried everything we could think of to turn it aside, but nothing was working. Finally I cast a Magic Jar on it. It rolled a 2 on its save, and I trapped its soul in a jar and replaced it with my own. So now I'm the tarrasque. Awesome! After devouring several of our enemies and wrecking a village of dwarves who had been giving us a hard time (now might be a good time to mention that we're a rather evil party), we decided that it was time for us to say goodbye to our new toy. But if I released the spell, the tarrasque would go right back to trying to eat our keep. No matter where in the world we took him, he would just keep coming back, unless we forced the Almourian mages who summoned him to undo whatever they did. So we polymorphed him into a rabbit (with me still possessing him), teleported to the capital of Almouria, and set him down on the side of the city opposite of where our keep was. I released the Magic Jar, Nadja released the polymorph, and Haas teleported us away. The Tarrasque immediately began to head back towards our keep, plowing straight through the middle of the city. The mages had no choice but to undo their compulsion and send it back to wherever it came from, and it never bothered us again.

turbo164
2012-07-31, 10:36 AM
Some friends and I had rolled up level 2 characters for a campaign (that ended up not happening, sigh) that we decided to "guest star" in another friend's campaign...which happened to be level 10+. Hmm.

Setup:

Important characters:

My Dwarf Druid
Kronk - Orcish axe guy, 20+ str and con, <4 int.
Jerkwad - Elf mage of some sort, Evil
"Shiny" - First time player, level 2 ranger with a chain shirt, earned nickname from Kronk
Others.

They had just finished killing a bunch of drow, and a dragon, and came back to the tavern to celebrate and shop when we joined them. Kronk and my dwarf had a friendly drinking contest...which I won with rolls of like 18, 17, 18 to his 3, 2, 3. So I was level 2 with ~5000 gold off of my 50-to-1 bet. :smalleek: Jerkwad promptly picked my pocket (Mage Hand I guess, he passed a note to the DM) before I could spend it. :smallfrown:

Kronk also made friends with Shiny! But Shiny annoyed some unsavory types in the corner, who apparently were part of some thieves/assassin's guild. Jerkwad secretely approaches them to ask how much they'd pay him to deliver a tied-up Shiny to their doorstep. Remember this is Shiny's first time playing. :smallannoyed:

TLDR: Jerkwad is a teamrobbing teamkilling elf mage. Kronk is strong but not smart.

The payoff:

So, we leave town together to head to wherever their quest led (with Jerkwad looking for a good opportunity to secretely kidnap+teleport Shiny). A ways down the road we hear movement in the bushes.

Jerkwad: *leans close to Kronk* "Psst! Kronk. Throw something at those bushes."
Me: (instantly) "I STEP AWAY FROM KRONK."
*a second or two pass*
Every non-orc at the table: "I STEP AWAY FROM KRONK!"
Jerkwad: "-WAY FROM KRO-Iiii'm the last person to step away from Kronk aren't I?"
Kronk: "KRONK THROW SOMETHING!"
Jerkwad: "I MEANT A ROOOOooooccckkkk....."

At this point a grinning DM cracks his knuckles and picks up a stack of dice.

DM: "What's your AC?"
Jerkwad: *says a low number*
DM: *rolls dice* "And your fort save?"
Jerkwad: *says a lower number, voice cracking*
DM: *rolls dice* "Current health?"
Jerkwad: *says a number reached by d4s with a racial Con penalty*
DM: *rolls dice* K. In midair you are struck by 7 crossbow bolts. You're at -2 health, poisoned, paralyzed, and unconscious. And THEN you hit the ground..." *rolls more dice* "Wow, lookit those 1's. K you're now at -8. Next?"

Bard saved him next turn, darn her :smalltongue:

jaybird
2012-07-31, 11:36 AM
When both of your groups (Dark Heresy and Black Crusade) can be described as cruise missiles - big, dumb, and really, really good at ruining somebody's day - the GM (me) doesn't even have to do anything to make it happen. The fact that they wanted me to use critical success/failure rules makes it all the better :smallbiggrin:

"I'm the f***ing Bat-WHOOAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh..." *whump*

Dark Heresy, Rank 2 party. They've been invited into the Governor's Palace under the paper-thin disguise of travelling merchants. Why 'paper-thin', you ask? The highest Intelligence score in the party was somewhere around the low 30s*. Yeah. So they suspect the First Lady of heresy. In the middle of the night, they try to break into her study. After about half an hour in-game time, they decide they're not getting through the door with anything but a chainsword or a grenade. So off they go to the roof, where they're going to drop the Assassin down on a rope and have him go in through the window.

I ask him to roll Move Silently. He passes. I ask the party to roll Strength to hold onto the rope. They pass. I ask him to roll Acrobatics to drop onto the windowsill. He rolls a 98**. He spends a Fate Point to re-roll that. 97.

Our Ezio-wannabe falls facefirst into the Palace Gardens 12 metres below, dropping into Critical 2*** from the fall.

* - For comparison, Ballistic and Weapons Skills were uniformly around 40, and the Psykers' Willpowers were almost 50.
** - In 40kRP you want to roll low.
*** - In 40kRP, once all your Wounds are gone, you go into Critical Wounds.


"Roll for anal circumference."

This is the Black Crusade party's idea of a stealth mission.

They're picking up a package from a dead-drop on an Imperial World. The Renegade is set up in an abandoned apartment next to the park where the pickup is to be made, with his long-las ready and his drop line (for quick getaways) set up. The Psyker, cleverly disguised, is making the pickup. The Heretek...is hidden inside a vending machine nearby the park. Yes.

The Psyker makes the pickup, no problem. The Renegade is disappointed he didn't get to shoot anybody. They regroup next to the vending machine the Heretek is in. At this point, two Enforcers decide to stop by the vending machine for a snack. The same vending machine that's had its guts ripped out by the Heretek as he hides inside it.

One Enforcer, after a few frustrated kicks at it, goes off to complain to the building manager. The other one sticks his hand in to dig out a drink. Here's where the Heretek hands him a drink with a mechadendrite.

As the Enforcers, building manager, and a priest who happened to walk by are screaming about a corrupted machine spirit (the Renegade is carefully leaving at this point), the Heretek decides to fire a soda can out of the machine. Rolls. Gets a 1 (Critical Success).

"Nut-shot! Nut-shot! NUT-SHOT! NUT-SHOT!"

So one Enforcer goes down with a soda can to his package.

Things just escalated from there, with a Luminen Blast taking out the manager and severely injuring the priest and Enforcer, the Psyker using Fine Telekinesis to draw the symbol of Chaos in mid-air with the blood of the manager, and an "OH YEAH!!!" moment from the Heretek as he busts out of the vending machine.

Also, the Psyker uses Fine Telekinesis to Goatse the remaining Enforcer involuntarily.

End result: one blown-up vending machine, one very scorched and gibbering priest, one dead manager, one unconscious Enforcer who's never going to have children, and one Enforcer who's been ripped in two by the...well...:smalleek:

Nightpenguin
2012-08-02, 10:53 AM
Party:

Chaotic Neutral Elven Rogue (Me)
The Paladin
Chaotic Neutral half-dragon half-elf optimized Sorcerer/Whatever-other-classes-he-took
Neutral Good Useless Cleric


Passing it on

King of Wherever-we-aren't-outlaws: Thank you for coming on such short notice! We had heard of your deeds...
Me: Whatever, where are we going?
King: You will be going ... *dramatic pause* ... into the depths of Hell itself!
Me: Uh-huh... and our reward for this would be...?
King: You will have the eternal gratitude of this-tiny-little-kingdom-worth-2gp.
Me: :smalleek: Group huddle.
Paladin: Surely we must undertake this most noble...
Sorcerer: We need the XP...
Cleric: The gratitude might be good for us...
Me: I have a much better idea. Watch.
Me: <rolls Bluff> Oh Great and Honorable King of this-place-with-relaxed-laws-on-murder-and-stealing-and-stuff, we accept your quest!

Outside the palace

Sorcerer: How is this any different from what we were going to do? And why were you rolling Bluff back there?
Me: I head to the tavern and look for an inexperienced group of adventurers.
GM: :smallconfused: Okay, I guess...
Inexperienced Wizard: *casts Mage Hand* *spills ale on self*
Inexperienced Rogue: *tries to pickpocket someone* *gets hand chopped off*
Inexperienced Cleric: *tries to heal hand* *inflicts wounds*
Me (on table): Are there any brave and worthy adventurer's here, who might aid us in our time of need?
Inexperienced Adventurers: Us! Us!
Me: Then, please, accept our quest to journey into the pits of hell and ...
Inexperienced Adventurers: Okay! *rushes out door*
Paladin: What. Did. You. Just. Do.
Me: Well, you know how all those quest givers are always higher-level than us?
Paladin: ....
Me: Aaaand, you know how we don't really want to get ourselves mixed up in that sort of thing?
Paladin: ....
Me: So, I, you know, gave them a quest. Because I'm a quest giver now. And stuff.
Paladin: ....
Me: So..... Do we receive XP for delegating the quest, if they succeed?
GM: Yes, you would.
Me: "Would"?
GM: Well, they still have to succeed. And it's hard to succeed when you're dead.
Me: Ah.
Paladin: ....
Me: Well... Let's get going on that quest then, shall we?
Paladin: Smite. Evil.

ZeroGear
2012-08-02, 01:37 PM
Party:

Chaotic Neutral Elven Rogue (Me)
The Paladin
Chaotic Neutral half-dragon half-elf optimized Sorcerer/Whatever-other-classes-he-took
Neutral Good Useless Cleric


Passing it on

King of Wherever-we-aren't-outlaws: Thank you for coming on such short notice! We had heard of your deeds...
Me: Whatever, where are we going?
King: You will be going ... *dramatic pause* ... into the depths of Hell itself!
Me: Uh-huh... and our reward for this would be...?
King: You will have the eternal gratitude of this-tiny-little-kingdom-worth-2gp.
Me: :smalleek: Group huddle.
Paladin: Surely we must undertake this most noble...
Sorcerer: We need the XP...
Cleric: The gratitude might be good for us...
Me: I have a much better idea. Watch.
Me: <rolls Bluff> Oh Great and Honorable King of this-place-with-relaxed-laws-on-murder-and-stealing-and-stuff, we accept your quest!

Outside the palace

Sorcerer: How is this any different from what we were going to do? And why were you rolling Bluff back there?
Me: I head to the tavern and look for an inexperienced group of adventurers.
GM: :smallconfused: Okay, I guess...
Inexperienced Wizard: *casts Mage Hand* *spills ale on self*
Inexperienced Rogue: *tries to pickpocket someone* *gets hand chopped off*
Inexperienced Cleric: *tries to heal hand* *inflicts wounds*
Me (on table): Are there any brave and worthy adventurer's here, who might aid us in our time of need?
Inexperienced Adventurers: Us! Us!
Me: Then, please, accept our quest to journey into the pits of hell and ...
Inexperienced Adventurers: Okay! *rushes out door*
Paladin: What. Did. You. Just. Do.
Me: Well, you know how all those quest givers are always higher-level than us?
Paladin: ....
Me: Aaaand, you know how we don't really want to get ourselves mixed up in that sort of thing?
Paladin: ....
Me: So, I, you know, gave them a quest. Because I'm a quest giver now. And stuff.
Paladin: ....
Me: So..... Do we receive XP for delegating the quest, if they succeed?
GM: Yes, you would.
Me: "Would"?
GM: Well, they still have to succeed. And it's hard to succeed when you're dead.
Me: Ah.
Paladin: ....
Me: Well... Let's get going on that quest then, shall we?
Paladin: Smite. Evil.


That is truly EPIC! Why haven't any other groups ever pulled this?
And the paladin at the end, Yes, that is the best reaction!
Btw, did the novices succeed? Did the Sorcerer survive the Paladin?

Nightpenguin
2012-08-02, 02:29 PM
That is truly EPIC! Why haven't any other groups ever pulled this?
And the paladin at the end, Yes, that is the best reaction!
Btw, did the novices succeed? Did the Sorcerer survive the Paladin?

Ehm... The novices died. Very quickly, apparently. Also, that would be me, the rogue, who got smitten smited smote attacked by the paladin.

Star Badger
2012-08-02, 04:04 PM
Last Sunday was the second session of my first ever PnP game. I am completely hooked, and now that I've gotten my first-game jitters out of the way I've begun to get into roleplay. I got some... interesting results. :smallbiggrin:

I don't write very often, here's hoping this is fairly readable. :smallwink:

The game is DnD 3.5, Kingdoms of Kalamar setting, a 1st level homebrew campaign in a rather harsh desert called the Khydoban.

The party has reached an oasis and are refilling supplies, gathering information, et cetera. It seems to be a typical rest-stop when our drow barbarian, understandably, starts getting funny looks from the locals. He tries to cover up his face, but that only makes them more suspicious. Things start to get interesting when a young man approaches him, telling his friend that he's got a scimitar he'd like to test out. I'm not exactly best buddies with the drow, but I don't want him attracting too much attention to us, so I start bluffing the young'uns into leaving him alone. That's when Mr. Scimitar makes a mistake :smallsmile: He (we'll call him Jerkface) says to his buddy, "Hey, why is this woman telling us what to do?"

Well, I'm a CN brigand, a rather proud one at that, and I don't appreciate that one bit. Keeping a low profile gets put on the back burner, and I threaten to cut his tongue out. He doesn't appreciate that one bit. He draws his scimitar, and I eagerly do the same, egging him on. Soon the entire camp has gathered around us in excitement, chanting and placing bets... including our ill-tempered NPC dwarven cartographer, who I've been having a bit of a rivalry with :smallsmile:

Combat begins (subdual damage w/ the flat of the blade), I'm anticipating a lengthy, pitched sword fight... and it lasts one round.

Jerkface goes first, misses... I hit him for a double critical.

Damage: 4, 4, 6, 6.

Nobody bothers to tally it up against his HP. :smallbiggrin: Evidently he insulted the wrong Dejy woman, as his eyes cross and he flops to the ground, knocked out cold.

The crowd goes wild (in-game and out), the drow is forgotten, and the dwarf wins 400 GP in bets. The cleric checks to see if jerkface is still breathing.

The camp loves me to bits now. What was going to be a marriage celebration is re-purposed, and everyone gets blasted. The other party members get to gathering more information, they'll tell us just about *anything* at this point. I mostly just get drunk and dance on tables.

This however, was not to be the end of the excitement. A drunken man attempts to pickpocket our cleric, and he decides the best response is to punch the pickpocket in the face. I decide that this is an excellent idea. Cue bar-room (tent room?) brawl :smallsmile: Even the old man we spoke to earlier is whacking people with his cane, I end up slapping the chieftain's daughter and punching out her husband. By the time morning comes, half the camp is unconscious from drink or blunt force. We figure that it would be a good idea to leave before they wake up... and so ended my second ever session of DnD.

Deepbluediver
2012-08-03, 10:18 AM
No new stories from me yet; still trying to think of more good ones (most of the stories that seemed to start as "wouldn't it be funny if..." frequently ended in TPK with my groups).

A lot of the other things on here are hilarious though; that "EEEEEEVVVVVVVIIIIIIILLLLLLLL!" has had me walking around with a huge grin plastered to my face all week.

And the story about tripping a storm-cloud had gotten me thinking that maybe elementals and a few other creatures that aren't exactly incorporeal should have a special property (called "amorphous" or something like that) that makes them either impossible or just epically-difficult to trip, grapple, etc. I'm thinking, is it even be possible to "trip" a gelatinous cube? It's basically exactly the same on every side, and it's mindless; how would it know it's been tripped?

Karoht
2012-08-03, 10:22 AM
In Soviet Dungeon, Aboleth Farms You!

Story in another thread, involves my playgroup though I am not witness to it. Worth a read though. The story is ongoing, and kind of keeps getting derpy-er by the day. Props to Acanous for this one.
Part 1
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=13630097&postcount=17

Part 2
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=13663240&postcount=33

Explanation of why the Aboleth hasn't just killed them yet, which is kind of the punchline...
http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=13664244&postcount=43

Yukitsu
2012-08-04, 12:43 AM
Player 1: *teabagging a cactus* "I'm so, so sorry. I'm just... I'm sorry."

Player 2: Hey, I'm a lot like a valiant warrior of old.
Dwarf: You?
Player 1: I like the disdain you managed to put into that.

Me: You're going to be thanking fake Napoleon Zombie after this aren't you.
Player 2: I'm definitely thanking fake Napoleon Zombie after this.

Me: Yeah, the Jack Frost is back from his vacation to Berlin. He's got an 80s American cop mustache, a United States' airforce jacket, and aviators.
Player 1: He never made it to Berlin did he.
Me: You'll never know.
Player 2: They let him in the air force. Oh gods.
Me: They even let him take the nickname Ice-Man.
Player 1: We're just gonna call him Guile-Frost.

enderlord99
2012-08-05, 11:59 PM
Okay, this didn't actually happen, but I have a hypothetical plot outline to tell everyone.

A nation composed largely of gold dragons has been angered by a copper dragon appearing to pull a prank that went just a bit to far (You can decide the details yourself). That copper dragon was a princess in another nation, this one mostly made of copper dragons like her. The gold dragons' own princess seems to be hallucinating all the time, and attacking everyone in her parents' castle. The (currently undefined) prank has caused a war to break out between these draconic countries, when they should be making sure the nearby empire of red dragons doesn't extend its grasp over the whole world (it's trying). Although the players won't know this at first, the red emperor has a daughter that is a very powerful illusionist. Said daughter will, of course, be the bbeg.

DontEatRawHagis
2012-08-07, 12:25 AM
One of the Jedi in our group is carrying around a hollowed out Reek carcass. A reek is essentially a rhino(its in Episode 2 trying to trample Anakin and Padme). So far he has just been shooting blaster rounds out of it's eye sockets and mouth.

Don't know why he is doing this, but hey we get a lot of jokes about how it reeks in here.

Doorhandle
2012-08-07, 09:03 PM
One of the Jedi in our group is carrying around a hollowed out Reek carcass. A reek is essentially a rhino(its in Episode 2 trying to trample Anakin and Padme). So far he has just been shooting blaster rounds out of it's eye sockets and mouth.

Don't know why he is doing this, but hey we get a lot of jokes about how it reeks in here.

If he's anything like me, he probably wants to zombify it and build his base in there. :smalltongue:

only1doug
2012-08-08, 06:59 AM
Not DnD but funny

Call of Cthulhu Campaign: Masks of Nyarlathotep (Spoilers of campaign included, read further at your own peril)
The Cast: (some names have slipped my memory, years having past since this game)
Professor Hans Zarkov, Eccentric scientist (Yes, he was a based on the character from flash gorden)
Arthur Hobbs, champion Cricket player
Father Edward, Catholic Priest
Several others who's names have been lost to the depths of my memory.

The mindswitch

The players have uncovered the identy of a leader of the cultist in egypt and invaded his home, using their twin powers of firearms and arson they have succeeded in destroying most of the information they were seeking but found and engaged the enemy in combat.
The players won and walked away with a map of the pyramids but didn't realise that before he died the high cultist swapped minds with their priest. The player of the priest is one of the most delicously malevolent people I know, so I left him in complete charge of the high cultist.

As the group investigated the tunnels under the pyramid the high cultist struck, causing the party to be split into two halves each blundering into his pre-prepared traps.
One PC had a camel dropped on him (he dodged though, I was sad)
Two PC's fell into a pit and ended up in a cage, one of them was Arthur Hobbs.
Various and sundry other attacks on other PC's.

By this point the other players have figured out that the high cultist is the priest as he's not with either group and there is a huge volume of secret notes going back and forth.
(Note from High cultist to me: Have a cultist thrust a stick of dynamite into Hobbs's trousers)
Cue Bumbling around by Hobbs trying to retrieve the dynamite...
...
...
Finaly he retrieves it and notices that it wasn't lit.
(the note never specified lighting the dynamite first)

High cultist curses the quality of minions, entire group bursts into laughter, TPK avoided as Hobbs uses dynamite to escape / help group get back together.


The Ebon Throne

You see a large Ebon throne, scaled larger than human size, surrounded by..

"I sit on the throne"
"you what"
"the Throne, I sit on the Throne"
"can I finish the room description?"
"sure, go ahead, I'll be here, sitting on the Throne"
"...... Fine"

"... blah, blah blah, end of room description, As you sit on the throne you feel a surge of energy fill you and pass through you, Your body spasms a bit and then is possessed by a much stronger force, your entire form changes to that of a 10' tall, strikingly handsome man who address the rest of the party..."

.... Much ado occurs and afterwards...

"so what happens to me?"
"... hang on, it's here somewhere.... ah yes... Your twitching blackened corpse falls to the ground."


The Adventure isn't wriiten with my group in mind

And in a crate the party will find a strange item that none of them will recognise, there are various things that it could be but none of the PC's will be able to correctly identify this booster rocket for a satellite as this is far in advance of any known earthly technology...

Yeah right, here's Professor Hans Zarkov, who has spent the entire campaign looking at every unusual item encountered and tried to conceive of a way that it could be converted to make a space ship and he's not going to recognize a rocket booster when he sees one? He barely had to roll for it, not that anyone else in the party believed him of course, but thats a different matter.

Rallicus
2012-08-08, 12:15 PM
Not D&D but this happened recently.

Tried to intimidate another PC, who actually invested points in intimidate (whereas I didn't, incurring a penalty). His character was also nearly twice mine's size.

Failed miserably and my character nearly wet himself from the other PC's glare alone.

Ended up saving his life later after his leg got blown off. Go figure.

http://www1.picturepush.com/photo/a/8929129/640/8929129.jpg

Amazo
2012-08-08, 01:16 PM
My group calls this one the boaryuken incident.

The party had just been betrayed, almost killed, and had all of its stuff stolen by a known evil character that my paladin was coerced into working with for the greater good. After laughing at us maniacally and teleporting us away, my paladin wakes up in the middle of a forest with a boar chewing on her hair.

At this point, I activate detect evil, not really expecting anything. The DM jokingly says it's the most evil boar I've ever met. I then smite it for so much damage with my bare fist that the DM says the boar disintigrates save for three strips of freshly cooked lean bacon clenched in my hand.

Morithias
2012-08-08, 01:21 PM
Haven't actually done this yet, but I think it would be funny to pull.

The famous merchant Recette hires the adventurers to deliver a package to a workshop in the middle of nowhere. If they open the package they find a collar of umbral metamorphises, a mantle of stealth, a key that can open almost any lock (+30 to open lock), and a bag of holding that seem to have almost no limit.

If they deliver the package, when they get back to town they find kids in the streets playing with toys that mysteriously appeared out of nowhere. Further investigation reveals that Recette and the Blur twins decided to blow some of Recette's billions of gold pieces on making a new holiday, where the mysterious "person in red" gives toys to the kids who have been good this year.

That's right, I want to run a D&D campaign about how a bored merchant decides to randomly create Christmas.

newBlazingAngel
2012-08-08, 01:57 PM
May I use this? Please? It's too awesome to only be done once.

Morithias
2012-08-08, 02:28 PM
May I use this? Please? It's too awesome to only be done once.

Go ahead. Nothing wrong with being nice to children. Although to afford all the fabrication spells to make all the toys and get them to all the kids....well I'm sure you can figure out how to make it work. Just be careful around certain gamers for who "festival = evil". I'll find the full frontal nerdity comic.

Edit: Found it

http://ffn.nodwick.com/?p=456

Drako_shorty
2012-08-10, 04:27 PM
We were playing a level 10 campaign, where each of us had a flaw. I decided to play a rather Raziel (LoK) flavored character. So I made him a 9th level Necropolitan Soulknife. The flaw I picked out of the hat was over-dramatic. So we were in a dungeon and my characters adoptive sister (Half-Dragon Fighter) gets sealed in an area we can't immediately reach and so I get up and drop to my knees and act out my character pounding against the wall screaming "Nooooo!" and everyone is just staring at me and then they all bust up.

DontEatRawHagis
2012-08-10, 11:21 PM
My group calls this one the boaryuken incident.

The party had just been betrayed, almost killed, and had all of its stuff stolen by a known evil character that my paladin was coerced into working with for the greater good. After laughing at us maniacally and teleporting us away, my paladin wakes up in the middle of a forest with a boar chewing on her hair.



Reminds me of a time my DM made our Paladin follow an evil character because they were the same religion.

Paladin: He's clearly evil.
DM: But you have to work for him because he is your high cleric.
Paladin: I'm not working for him he is going to destroy the world.
DM: And remake it in your Goddess's image...
Paladin: Why would anyone ever want that? She's a Goddess of Death.
DM: :smalltongue: Your problem.
Paladin: Okay...:smallannoyed:

I over exaggerate...Alot.

Dread Angel
2012-08-11, 05:44 AM
This hasn't actually happened yet, but we shall see the fireworks tomorrow.

For my campaign, we have a rather interesting party so far. An elven druid, who is kind of an all-rounder, played by the girl who actually arranged this group. A Tiefling ranger who plans to multiclass into rogue and has done a decent job of balancing archery with two-weapon-fighting even at 1st level, played by a girl who's only ever played in Russian before. A Human Cleric with a very elaborate backstory, a penchant for healing, and who managed to become a pirate against his will (better than getting killed), played by a high-ranking Army officer who's a buddy of mine. A Tiefling Sorceror with the Abyssal bloodline, who mostly enjoys finding creative ways to hurt people, played by Blake, an Iron-Maiden obsessed metalhead who's way too similar to me.

And last but certainly not least, my fiancee's character.

An Aasimar Oracle with the Heavens mystery. Has no idea he (my fiancee likes playing male characters, and does a decent job of it) is an aasimar, just wonders why his eyes are gold and his skin glows softly from time to time. Especially considering he's from Alkenstar, where the people are rather dusky-skinned.

This character is freaking awesome. Being a mystically-inclined person, he wasn't particularly interested in staying around in Alkenstar working with the Gunworks. His father is an upper-middle-class worker in the Gunworks, and he doesn't know who his mother is. (An angel, but he has no idea). So he travelled...and is a massive drug addict. He LOVES mushrooms and will smoke anything.

He has three aims:
- To tame a unicorn to be his mount.
- To find out who his mother is.
- To find the ultimate mushroom.

He has been taking drugs for so long that he has become inured to their effects, much like a functioning alcoholic...he can still tell who is friend and foe in combat, but doesn't always make tactically sound decisions. Gods help everyone when he hits 11th level and gets Phantasmal Killer 1/day as a standard action.

Should be fun. A drug-addled Oracle aasimar, and a pair of Tieflings with a penchant for hurting things. XD

Doran
2012-08-11, 06:56 PM
One I heard from Congenial Con today

(After a long sequence by Player A of misremembering peoples names)
<Player B> Maybe you should write things down...
<Player A> I don't need to write things down. My character has an eidetic memory.
<Player A> I've only just remembered.

DontEatRawHagis
2012-08-11, 09:28 PM
Recently my group has gotten into actually Roleplaying our backstories. Before it was just me and one of my friends, but now its actually getting better, especially in our Star Wars game. Its set in the Jedi Civil war, before dark jedi were called Sith.

Scientist - A jedi scientist who is trying to understand different ways of utilizing the force.
Cat Jedi - A Mute Jedi that can send messages via the force.
Me - Wookie pilot. Trying not to get killed, while at the same time getting paid. Can speak Basic because of surgery
Jedi Knight - Just got out of being a Padawan and is trying to prove themselves capable.

We landed on the Planet where the Rancor are native and came across a town. Upon landing I immediately headed to the bar. Last time we were on a planet people were wary of Jedi, because they saw all of them as the same, so I tried to do the talking. While at the same time distancing myself from them, because they practically beaten an innocent guy to death.

Me: Hey, I just rolled into town.
Bartender: I can see that, especially with the Jedi.
Me: Yeah they didn't tell me what they were doing. Any idea why they would come to a backwater planet like this? Anything new going on?(*Bluff*)
Bartender: Yeah, but I'm not going to tell someone as uninformed as you.
Me: Okay. (*Wave to Scientist to come over*) He has a good memory.
Scientist: What is the best drink you have to make someone forget everything?
Me: *Facepalm*

newBlazingAngel
2012-08-12, 06:25 PM
I'm going to run the star wars roleplaying game for my church in the near future. We recently hired two new youth pastors who are amazing enough to let me DM, and think it's a good idea to take a trip to Comic Con next year.

darni
2012-08-13, 12:15 PM
1-st level group (PF fighter+rogue+sorcerer+druid), all players new to RPGs, this probably was their second session. No cleric in the party. Despite being 1st level I was generous with initial wealth, and allowed a single magic item per player below 1500gp.

The party is walking through the wilderness following a lead to find a person who has disappeared. They spot at the distance someone walking, getting closer but not going specifically towards them. I describe this person as staring to the front mindlessly, walking slowly in an almost mechanical pace, with tattered clothes. They decide this person might have a clue/know something and decide to intercept him.

As they get close, I also describe that a rotten smell emanates from him, and that he has several open wounds and even exposed bone in some places, but isn't bleeding. They shout at him to stop, and this guy ignores them.

So they step in the way, and he attacks the party, groaning and mumbling (not very proficiently... this was not a random encounter but a hint that there was somebody playing with undeads in a nearly place). The party is still decided to interrogate this guy, and at this point I get convinced that, having really read just enough of the rulebook to start playing their characters, nobody has even thought that this might be some kind of undead/zombie, and are speculating if this some kind of magical disease inflicted on him. After a quick check that no one has ranks in Knowledge(religion) and should have a heads up, I decide to play along. The party manages to grapple [I let the grappling fighter know that his body appears to be cold], pin and tie him to a tree, and try to interrogate and even threaten him with no success.

Then the druid has this brilliant and well hearted idea

Druid: if he's ill and we heal him, perhaps he'll act in a more friendly way
Party: yes, let's try that
Druid: I grab my CLW wand [her magic item] and heal him
Me: [trying not to chuckle] Um... ok, roll for damage... er I mean, hit points.
Druid: [rolls]
Me: [rolling will save] Ok, you see how he twists, apparently in pain and some fresh wounds appear in him
Druid: [genuinely puzzled, IC and OOC] Ummm, I didn't know this wand had a chance for failure. I'll try again [rolls]
Me: [knowing that even a Will-half save won't help him] A white warm glow flows from the wand again into the creature. He appears to resist for a while, then he stops moving
Party: OK, probably he hadn't much information to provide us anyway. That was weird however

At this point, I was too amused to let it go and I didn't want them to miss the fun, so I explained them OOC how this worked, and allowed the Sorcerer a check on Knowledge (Arcana) to realize IC part of how this positive energy/negative energy worked.

To this day we still chuckle about the time they killed a zombie by trying to be genuinely nice to it.

Emperordaniel
2012-08-13, 07:01 PM
1-st level group (PF fighter+rogue+sorcerer+druid), all players new to RPGs, this probably was their second session. No cleric in the party. Despite being 1st level I was generous with initial wealth, and allowed a single magic item per player below 1500gp.

The party is walking through the wilderness following a lead to find a person who has disappeared. They spot at the distance someone walking, getting closer but not going specifically towards them. I describe this person as staring to the front mindlessly, walking slowly in an almost mechanical pace, with tattered clothes. They decide this person might have a clue/know something and decide to intercept him.

As they get close, I also describe that a rotten smell emanates from him, and that he has several open wounds and even exposed bone in some places, but isn't bleeding. They shout at him to stop, and this guy ignores them.

So they step in the way, and he attacks the party, groaning and mumbling (not very proficiently... this was not a random encounter but a hint that there was somebody playing with undeads in a nearly place). The party is still decided to interrogate this guy, and at this point I get convinced that, having really read just enough of the rulebook to start playing their characters, nobody has even thought that this might be some kind of undead/zombie, and are speculating if this some kind of magical disease inflicted on him. After a quick check that no one has ranks in Knowledge(religion) and should have a heads up, I decide to play along. The party manages to grapple [I let the grappling fighter know that his body appears to be cold], pin and tie him to a tree, and try to interrogate and even threaten him with no success.

Then the druid has this brilliant and well hearted idea

Druid: if he's ill and we heal him, perhaps he'll act in a more friendly way
Party: yes, let's try that
Druid: I grab my CLW wand [her magic item] and heal him
Me: [trying not to chuckle] Um... ok, roll for damage... er I mean, hit points.
Druid: [rolls]
Me: [rolling will save] Ok, you see how he twists, apparently in pain and some fresh wounds appear in him
Druid: [genuinely puzzled, IC and OOC] Ummm, I didn't know this wand had a chance for failure. I'll try again [rolls]
Me: [knowing that even a Will-half save won't help him] A white warm glow flows from the wand again into the creature. He appears to resist for a while, then he stops moving
Party: OK, probably he hadn't much information to provide us anyway. That was weird however

At this point, I was too amused to let it go and I didn't want them to miss the fun, so I explained them OOC how this worked, and allowed the Sorcerer a check on Knowledge (Arcana) to realize IC part of how this positive energy/negative energy worked.

To this day we still chuckle about the time they killed a zombie by trying to be genuinely nice to it.


I love this one. :smallbiggrin:

BRC
2012-08-15, 10:47 AM
Final one from the 1920's campaign, which just ended.

Background

My character (The Mobster) is not especially devout, however the Sorcadin worships Pelor.
One of the High Level Mobster talents is called "Blackmail a Diety", it grants me three free castings of Wish or Miracle, with the explanation that I am, well, blackmailing a deity.

I'll leave out the context, but we needed to get inside the Statue of Liberty (A Colossus in this setting), the Door was locked, and it was warded against Teleportation.
Me: Hey Paladin, Lend me your holy symbol.
Paladin: Okay...
Me: *Speaking Into the Holy Symbol* Hey PELOR, I sure WISH we were inside the control room right now!
Paladin: You know, Shouting like that dosn't-

The entire party vanishes and reappears inside the Control Room in a burst of light.

I hand the Paladin his holy symbol.

Me: You were doing it wrong.

Doorhandle
2012-08-16, 01:12 AM
The mobster class, she ieez beautiful!

Also, how common are those 3 free castings? is that all you get, or can they be refreshed?

DontEatRawHagis
2012-08-16, 01:24 AM
You ever get flash backs to a game you ran before. Last session of a Star Wars game, I had this happen.

Me: Okay, I'll stay behind and keep an eye on the rear.
GM: Okay, roll a perception check.
Me: *Roll Fail*
GM: You are currently being strangled by something, it appears to be a snake.
Me: Help
GM: It is gagging you.
Me: Can anyone help my character?
Jedi: Can we hear anything?
GM: Roll Percep-
Me: For crying out loud. *Fires Blaster*
Jedi: Did we hear that?
GM: It is a blaster rifle...OF COURSE!

Segway.

A few months back this happened in a campaign I ran. The temple was created by a very rich society and they actually saw not being greedy as a sign of weakness. The players knew this but didn't realize the significance. Sorcerer, Rogue, and Ardent(4e Darksun).

Me: You find yourselves in a room with three suits of armor.
Rogue: Perception *Roll Succeed*
Me: Each suit seems to be just a helmet and plates for arms and legs. You can easily step inside them. One suit is made of gold, the other seems to be Obsidian, and the last one is made of rusty chainmail.
Sorcerer(The DnD Expert): Ah, a test of humbleness and intelligence. The Gold is out of the question because it is too expensive, so it has to be the rusty chainmail. Functionality over expensiveness.
Ardent: So what do we do?
Sorcerer: Step into the Chainmail of course.
Ardent: *Steps into the armor* Is something suppo-

*Chainmail wraps around the Ardent encasing him and crushing his body*

Rogue: We have to save him.
Sorcerer: Wait. This could be what's supposed to happen.
Rogue: What?
Sorcerer: Yes, only in death can we continue onward. Hold still while I slit your throat.
Me: WTF!

After that they went to the Obsidian one and when that blew up, they hesitated to enter the golden armor. Which upon entering, caused the wall to shift revealing a door to the next room.

Sometimes I don't understand players. And I never understand how my mind connected these stories.

ExtravagantEvil
2012-08-16, 05:46 AM
Okay, this one is on the darker side of funny, but short and sweet.


I was the DM, one of my Players was going for the Intimidating Fighter type of character, and was accompanying a Chaotic Good Barbarian about while the other players were making Gather INformation checks.

I had them running through a murder mystery, and was tossing a couple of standard red herrings about. The wife, was one of them. She was weeping due to her husband being killed by the mystery's killer.

So she's emotionally wrecked, on the outside, and has trouble talking about everything that happened.

The Fighter, goes up, starts yelling at her, Backhands her, and tries to force the answers out of the widow.

She does the "logical" thing, and continues to cry.

The Barbarian protests this, obviously.

And he did it and rolled intimidate again, so she eventually told him about what she felt of her husband to make it stop.

And he was Lawful Good. I really should have forced an alignment change during that game...

BRC
2012-08-16, 10:12 AM
The mobster class, she ieez beautiful!

Also, how common are those 3 free castings? is that all you get, or can they be refreshed?
The class was built PF-Style, with three tiers of special talents you could choose from at various levels (I'll see if I can get my DM to post it/let me post it). The Top talents (or "Specialities") you got at 17th and 19th level.
Blackmailing a Diety got you three wishes, if you wanted three more you would need to retake the Talent at 19th level.

I went with the 19th level talent that gives me 1/day Will Save vs Has Been Working For Me The Entire Time.

Sadly, the one time I got to use it the other guy made his save.


Oh hey, my DM posted the Class. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=13737611#post13737611)

DontEatRawHagis
2012-08-16, 11:37 AM
And he did it and rolled intimidate again, so she eventually told him about what she felt of her husband to make it stop.

And he was Lawful Good. I really should have forced an alignment change during that game...

Personally, Alignment isn't necessary mechanics wise, it seems to have been added restrictions onto players. Ie, Class Restrictions and Magical Weapon restrictions.

As for the Player even Lawful Good needs to know how to play Bad Cop, Good Cop.

ZeroGear
2012-08-16, 01:52 PM
Ok, this is from the pathfinder game I am currently playing.
I had missed the last session, so I come back after the group had finished going to the "Gates of Dawn".
Oddly, the sorceress had not been there either, so neither of our characters knew that our summoner had changed from a halfling into a human.

So the sorceress stops by the shop the magus is working for and asks him to tell her where she can find the summoner. He is in the Wayfinder guild, wich turns the sorceress away when she asks for the summoner. So, she returns to the magus.
By this point, my alchemist is there.
Frustrated that she cannot get to the summoner, decides to take a more direct approach. She Dominates the magus.
Now, the magus and my alchemist are budds, kinda like an unofficial bortherly bond. So when he sees the sorceress casting Dominate on the magus, he does the most logical thing in his mind: he slaps a tanglefoot bag in her face, glueing his hand to her mouth.
As the owner of the shop comes in, my alchemist pitches a Dispelling bomb at the magus to rid him of the enchantment, then drags the sorceress outside.
As he is fed up with the dumb stunts the sorceress has been pulling, always "pretending" to betray the party so she can catch the enemy off guard, he chugs a growth potion and uses his wings to fly 90ft up with the intent of letting the sorceress fall to her death when the tanglefoot bag wears off.
Unfortunately, she hits him with a Hold Person, before using Feather Fall on both of them as she realizes they are still stuck together.
As they hit the ground, the magus casts Stinking Cloud to break them up, then the summoner teleports in to end the fight.

It was chaotic, but amusing. And nobody died.

Vknight
2012-08-17, 06:24 AM
From a Monsters a Other Childish Things Campaign I'm in.

The Group
Me/Jackie (Monster: Calt)
Stacey(Monster: Mr. Ichron)
Alex (Monster: Sin)
Gregory(Weird Kid)
Matt(Monster: Gean)
Ellina(Weird Kid)
Eric(Gm's Weird Kid for if any of us run a session or 2)

Are monsters are played by different people or the Gm.
Calt: Stacey's Player
Sin & Mr. Ichron: Gm
Gean: Gregory's Player

Information: Alex had gotten drunk the night before this was a obvious fact
Me and Stacey: Slam are books into the desk and shout "HEY ALEX!"
This continued for about 5minutes in game and the group

After defeating the Monster; Fire Starter a dangerous beast setting fire to parts of the woods to help his kid
So we beat his monster to 2crippled locations(5-8dice)
And Matt goes to talk with him and heal Firestarter
At this point Calt says using her ability to hear on the wind exactlly when Firestarter appears. She then shoots in dropping the poor guy to 3dice(Burn reducing it to 2the next round).
At which point Gean steps in so if the fight continues she will stop Calt from eating fire starter
She failed in the most comedic way possible
Firestarter had his own attack bounced back and then Gean tried to take the attack followed by the burn from Calts attack carrying over.
The end result 8different tests and checks.
The actual scene?
A 30ft Albino Snake that can fly, control the wind and create snowstorms slams into a Giant Guy with a head of fire a car for legs and melting gauntlets for hands.
At which point a angelic women in armor with a shield that has the templar cross jumps in.
Who catches the first attack of the Fire Giant well the giant snakes burn causes the kid the Giant is bonded to go unconscious
Followed by said Fire giants next attack be deflected back by the snake and the knightly women and her kid both failing to dive into the attack and the snake then eating the guy

Roguenewb
2012-08-17, 01:56 PM
The cast and crew:

Mike, as the mighty Druid 20, with his T-Rex animal companion
Sam, as the crazed Warmage 20
Joe, as the mighty Cleric 15/Thaumaturgist 5
Me, the Knight 20, with my human fighter 4 squire

Besides the hilarious jokes about my much, much lower power level, here's my story:

Our newly formed team, tavern-met, learned that the nearby town of Nystulville was being besieged by a black dragon. We, as the mighty heroes that we were, took off to save the town, cause I, as Knight, insisted that we walk and go immediately. We reached the town, and learned about the nearby dragon that had been attacking, and melting into the nearby swamp every dawn. It became clear that the dragon had some sort of under-swamp home, and that we would have to go in there to get it, because only insane people fight a dragon outside.

Mike decides, quite rightly, that we don't need another big fighter, and that the T-Rex is just likely to get in the way. The T-rex is left to guard the town. We struck out into the swamp, and soon found all the landmarks that had been described, and it became clear that we would have to go into the swamp water to do so. After a ton of stupid deliberation, the Warmage gets Freedom of movement cast on him (I don't remember how), and goes swimming.

He finds an underwater cave entrance and follows it to the point where the tunnel comes back above water in a dimly lit cave and starts looking around for the Black Dragon (in retrospect, this becomes an incredibly terrible plan we had...). And what does our fine, loony as a bat, warmage see? THE TARRASQUE. In perhaps the only display of humility I've ever seen from Sam, he runs back out the tunnel, knowing well that Warmages are badly suited for tarrasque killing. He emerges from the water into the swamp where we are standing, and he simply shouts, "BIG T!"

Not a moment after he finishes his shout, the hillside off to our left explodes, and the tarrasque charges. I, as a level 20 knight, turn my horse, and charge along side my squire. The Tarrasque meets us head on, and kills my squire in a single hit, kills my horse in the second, and throws me across the swamp in the third hit.

Our party looks around, and decides that the townsfolk obviously are fools, and confused the Tarrasque with a black dragon, whatever, they look *vaguely* similar. Regardless, we start the fight. The druid picks up some Elemental Monoliths (Yay swift concentration!), the Cleric sicks his angel friend on it, and the three casters start lobbing spells galore at it. I stand in front of the beast, attacking it with my Bastard Sword for 1d10+18 damage a blow....

So, Big T does what Big T does, he kills the angel, shreds a monolith, kills me twice (Yay contingent resurrection!) and finally we bring it down. The cleric lobs out a miracle, and the mighty foe, the legendary Tarrasque, perishes.

We start rejoicing (this being the only time we'd ever fought big T). And the DM asks for a reflex save from Mike. Mike makes the save, and avoids a huge head falling on him. Mike stands up, shakes off the slime and looks at the head, and recognizes his T-Rex. That's when we look up into the sky, and find ourselves looking at a Great Wyrm Black Dragon.

What followed was the most desperate fight I've ever participated in. It lasted an hour, and every moment, we were a tenth of a second from death.

Highlights of the Epic Battle Include:
-The Dragon AMFing and slaying the warmage in a single full attack.
-The Cleric miracle-ing for infinite turn attempts today, and going Nova with DMM(Twin), and DMM(Quicken), you haven't lived until you've seen a cleric floating in mid air with angel wings cast two twinned gates in a round for 2 Planetars each.
-Me rolling a 1 on a Reflex save, and taking almost max acid breath damage (Yay proc-energy!), and my sword, shield, and armor turning to goop.
-The druid wildshaping and turning into a dragon so he could dragon-a-dragon with the beast. Only, once he got close, the dragon cast AMF again, and ate the druid when he turned back into a human.
-Me, armed with my Squire's sword and shield, charging straight at the beast while the cleric needed time to get his buffs back up, post-disjunction. I was devoured in three turns, but the cleric, now alone, was able to hit the dragon with enough force finally, to end it, once and for all

Petrukio
2012-08-17, 03:03 PM
That's when we look up into the sky, and find ourselves looking at a Great Wyrm Black Dragon.

*snicker* I think I might pay good money just to see the looks on your faces - player and DM - when that happened.

Flame of Anor
2012-08-17, 07:07 PM
The cast and crew:

Mike, as the mighty Druid 20, with his T-Rex animal companion
Sam, as the crazed Warmage 20
Joe, as the mighty Cleric 15/Thaumaturgist 5
Me, the Knight 20, with my human fighter 4 squire

Besides the hilarious jokes about my much, much lower power level, here's my story:

...

I would call that a super-awesome D&D story.

TheRedWidow
2012-08-17, 07:24 PM
A one-shot adventure at a camp. All level one characters.

We are tasked with bringing a magically sealed box up a volcano and shoving it in. A group of archers stops us on the way up. The dialogue goes something like this.

DM: what are you doing?
Us: we're bring this box up the volcano. we're not supposed to look in it.
DM: who sent you?
Us: uh.... (fake kingdom name)
DM: Okay. Um, what's their major export.
Us: ...Wheat. And ornate yet mass produced boxes
DM: You can't grow wheat there.
Us: well, they import it first. then export it
DM: *attacks*

Later, we're stopped further up the volcano.
DM: You know, (king who sent us) really doesn't want his daughter to take the throne.
Us: *the bard rolls VERY poorly on his sense motive* We must get her out! *some one else pokes holes in the box*
DM: Wait, seriously? You actually bought that? *Tarrasque breaks out of box*

Roguenewb
2012-08-17, 11:02 PM
I would call that a super-awesome D&D story.

Thanks. Knights rock, badly.

darni
2012-08-21, 08:12 AM
Same group as this story (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=13718934&postcount=131), but another character had joined the group (a LN Human cleric of Pharasma), and they were already level 3.

They defeat a bandit ambush on a forest road. Right after that, the cleric channels energy to heal, inadvertently healing one of the bandits (who attempts to flee and is killed) and stabilizes another. So they check and find the stable, unconscious bandit and decide to tie him and turn him to the law. Of course, they loot the bandits (mostly weapons, shortswords, spears, bows and arrows) and keep the horse-pulled carriage they had. So they throw the loot and the unconscious guy at the back of the carriage.

The horses are a bit nervous after the combat and the magic blasting around them and the druid happens to be gone for a few minutes to check something she saw, and the rogue decides it's not worthy to wait. he hops on to the carriage, tries to calm the horses (with not many ranks in that) and fails dismally. The horses panic and start running, and he keeps failing checks which end up on him falling, and the carriage falling over to its side.

After that, the druid gets to the scene, easily calms the horses. The rogue got a few scratchs from the fall, but when they check the carriage they discovered that the guy already in negatives, after the crash with the ground, and having fallen over and below a lot of loot with pointy bits and sharp edges is very, very dead.

The cleric suddenly remember his deity's care for funerary rituals (never mind the 5 other bandit corpses left behind not far), and decides he'd rather bury him properly. But it's getting dark and they are in a bit of a hurry (trying to get to some other city 1 day ahead to warn some important NPC about a murder attempt on his life). Anyway they and their horses need to get some rest so they keep going (carrying the bandit body in another carriage they had) to the nearest town and book a room in the local inn, deciding to leave early in the morning.

To "avoid wasting time" the cleric asks some directions, then goes outside the inn (this is almost midnight), grabs the body over his shoulders, and walks merrily through the town (everyone sleeping) and knocks at the undertaker's. The undertaker wakes up, and opens the (chain&bolted) door a bit, to find this unknown friendly stranger in the middle of the nigfht, carrying a corpse with many many weapon wounds which happens to be a lumberjack from the town he recognizes. The cleric asks him "Hi, I'd like to bury this guy; I know it's late but we're in a bit of a hurry and will pay you handsomely". After the undertaker (and me as GM) gets out of the shock and asks some questions back trying to figure out what's going on, he makes a good Diplomacy check, helped by the fact that he shows his holy symbol and undertakers are usually in good terms with Pharasma (being the goddess of the life-and-death cycle and all that). So they had this hilarious conversation... "oh, yes, we killed him. But it was in self-defense" (and more shock form the undertaker), which ended up in the undertaker politely suggesting to take this issue to the sheriff was the right thing to do and the cleric preemptively (and without offerince resistance) spending the night on a cell.

Lentrax
2012-08-21, 11:44 AM
I was playing a campaign while I was stationed in Germany, and while it was fantastic, I never got to finish the campaign, and the other players wanted to keep going, so my character said his farewells by leaving the following note (Edited to PG version).

Dear Backstabbing 'Leader,'

I have had it with the way you keep getting us into 'adventures' that usually lead to being afraid for my life, and the well being of my familiar. I am also upset over the fact that you have repeatedly spurned my advances, no matter how much elixir I put in your food. But worst of all, I hate how you have decided to split the earnings from our adventures in what you consider 'equal shares.'

Therefore, I have decided to do what I deem fair, and take recompense from our group to a sum I consider acceptable for the talents you have wasted thus far on zombies a few orcs and one goblin who I had taken a liking to.

Good luck tracking me down if you wish to find me. I have taken precautions to ensure I will not be found quickly or easily.

Signed with all due hatred,

The Wizard.

My recompense? Everything not nailed down or otherwise attached to people. I loaded everything onto a Tenser's Floating Disk and made off with a lot of things, including all the torches, all the food, everyones money, more than a few weapons, and the padding for the party leaders full plate armor.

I also took everyones left boot for good measure.

The players told me they had a lot of fun chasing down the Left-Boot Bandit.

nene490
2012-08-21, 11:36 PM
we were starting a campaign from scratch: 6 level one characters, 2 clerics, a rogue, a ranger, a monk, and me, a chaotic neutral halfling druid. a high dexterity, and buffed out (especially for lvl 1) hide and move silently checks. for our first quest we had to kill a rather weak lvl 3 wizard, which we did, and then dragged his body out as the cavern was collapsing. we decided to stay the night in the graveyard nearby, and my character, not liking graveyards, decided to take the first watch for the night. as soon as everyone fell asleep. I ran over to the dead wizard, cut off his head with a dagger, and ran back to where we were given the quest (and offered 200 gold each. for a total of 1200.) so I took the head to prove that I had indeed kill the wizard, and lied to the quest giver (also a queen) saying that my entire party had died.

needless to say. my party wasn't happy with me. except for the rogue. who simply requested that I include him next time. they especially weren't happy with me when they went to speak with the queen, and she freaked out because they were supposed be dead (compounded with the fact that the wizard we killed was a necromancer... she connected the wrong dots there...)

the punchline: my halfling druid prefers to use his sling, wears only cheap leather armor, and hates society too much to actually use the gold. so he hid it all instead of spending it

Karoht
2012-08-22, 05:30 PM
I played a VoP Druid. I was handed a boatload of gold and I had no idea what to do with it.

So I bought a massive expanse of wilderness. I hired a bunch of Druids to manage it, and put some Rangers on the payroll to help the Druids keep an eye on the place.
Eventually, after a few more rewards came in, I helped the Druids build a temple (out of trees) along with expanding the wildlife preserve.

So the DM asks what god/dess the temple would be dedicated to. I told him it would be dedicated to nature itself.
The DM face-palmed when he realized the joke.
I had created a...
*sunglasses*
...Non-Prophet organization.

JackOfAllBuilds
2012-08-22, 11:38 PM
...*snip*
The DM face-palmed when he realized the joke.
I had created a...
*sunglasses*
...Non-Prophet organization.

YYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! :cool:

[I laughed so hard, congratulations on the pun. How long did it take from conception to payoff?]

Karoht
2012-08-23, 12:06 AM
YYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! :cool:

[I laughed so hard, congratulations on the pun. How long did it take from conception to payoff?]
About 5 sessions, give or take.

I was going to start a chain of Farmers Markets as well, and name it the Green Grocers, but no one at the table would likely have appreciated the joke there. Campaign finished before I could do that.

Krazzman
2012-08-23, 09:47 AM
About 5 sessions, give or take.

I was going to start a chain of Farmers Markets as well, and name it the Green Grocers, but no one at the table would likely have appreciated the joke there. Campaign finished before I could do that.

I didn't get that joke... and the non-prophet one also flew wide above my head...

(the thing I could image here is the similar pronounciation between prophet and profit...)

Antonok
2012-08-23, 12:05 PM
(the thing I could image here is the similar pronounciation between prophet and profit...)

Its a spoof on non-profit.

Prophet = A person regarded as an inspired teacher or proclaimer of the will of ' a Deity'.

So by making the shrine to honor nature instead of a deity, there was no 'prophet' involved.

Thus the joke, 'non-prophet' organization.

Edit: Not sure why I was compelled to explain that...

Karoht
2012-08-23, 05:50 PM
Its a spoof on non-profit.

Prophet = A person regarded as an inspired teacher or proclaimer of the will of ' a Deity'.

So by making the shrine to honor nature instead of a deity, there was no 'prophet' involved.

Thus the joke, 'non-prophet' organization.

Edit: Not sure why I was compelled to explain that...Excellent explanation. And yes, Prophet and Profit are pronounced the same.

And in England, there is actually a group of vendors called Greengrocers. Yes, they sell produce. The joke there in relation to my druid is that people typically percieve mother earth, the planet earth, and anything related to druids and nature as green. Add in that they sell produce... yeah.

nene490
2012-08-24, 11:42 PM
I played a VoP Druid. I was handed a boatload of gold and I had no idea what to do with it.

So I bought a massive expanse of wilderness. I hired a bunch of Druids to manage it, and put some Rangers on the payroll to help the Druids keep an eye on the place.
Eventually, after a few more rewards came in, I helped the Druids build a temple (out of trees) along with expanding the wildlife preserve.


I'm in a guild of rangers and druids already... mind if I steal this idea?

Thump
2012-08-25, 12:04 AM
Not so much funny as much as it is awesome. My new character, Tor, is a Goliath (DM-changed for Pathfinder to make it LA 0) Barbarian. While the others of our party were going to collect refugees to bring them to a castle we cleared out, we were attacked as we were fortifying. It was me and the party's Paladin, Del. He starts by telling the giants (Three minotaurs with +50% extra HP, a troll with Regeneration 10 and +30% extra HP, and an Ettin with quadrupled HP, around 260.) that they are to stand down or be slain on the spot, as we killed their boss, who was a Marilith. The troll starts climbing the castle walls, and when he gets up, he is immediately pinned by my character. Del decides to go down and start beating on the monsters. After a couple of rounds of them trying to break down the gate, I decide to do the one and only thing my character thought to do.

He grabbed the half-ton troll, himself being 500 pounds, pushed the troll over the edge (a 30 foot drop) and went with it. Passing his acrobatics check, he takes 3 points of damage, while the troll takes a measly 4d6, but the Minotaur?

It very nearly died from a surprise troll to the face.

We then killed the Ettin, who was the boss of the Minotaurs, and they fled.

I coup-de-graced the Troll, causing it to make a Fortitude save or die, at DC 155.

It got a 19 on the d20.

(So_close.gif)

:smallbiggrin:

Raimun
2012-08-25, 12:59 AM
It's situational comedy, which is often lost in translation.

... Shame. : /

dexamalion
2012-08-25, 06:40 AM
OK so this one is a little blue...

We captured a goblin and demanded information out of him. He wasn't forthcoming, so we cast a delayed blast fireball and shoved it down his pants. Threatening that we would not dispel it until he told us the truth he quickly spilled the beans and we waved the wand of dispel magic at his nether regions.

We untied him and he left at a run shouting that he had lied to us. We shouted back that we had also lied and ..... BOOM.

Lost_In_Darknes
2012-08-26, 02:48 AM
Well, I've been reading these stories, and I felt I should post a story that happened pretty recently.

the party is running 4e. the party has a total of 11 pc's, though we rarely get everyone together, but we had 5 pcs to work with this instance

the pregnant elven fighter
the human cleric
the elven ranger
the changeling artificer
And my dragon-born fighter

We go to the leader of wizards and he asks us if we want to train up for the challenges to come. We say sure, and he throws us into another plane of existence. The first time we enter we end up fighting a red dragon, not to difficult between the 5 players, though we mostly lucked out from the dm's terrible starting roles. We killed the dragon, and got thrown back out. We're all pumped, and the wizard asks if we want to go again. The other fighter in our group gets super excited and goes hell yeah. The cleric votes yes, as does the artificer. The ranger says no, and I remain indifferent. The wizard grins and throws us back thru the portal. We end up getting thrown up against 3 blade spiders, nowhere near as bad, but the ranger is arachnophobia. He passes out at the sight of giant spiders, so he gets sucked out of the plane by the wizard. the rest of us stay and fight. They're pretty easy to fight, so we have 2 incredibly injured. I decide to make a dungenering check on the spider, and discover it can be used as a mount by humanoid creatures, so I decide to roll a nature check to determine if I can tame it. Nat 20, and I hop on its back. I then ride it into combat and kill the other two. afterwords, I'm allowed to keep the spider as my mount and ride out of the portal. Our ranger is standing there waiting for us and sees the spider, screams like a girl and threatens to kill my mount, then I tel him I'll kill him if he tries, and we have a stand off before he runs away, up a flight of stairs and refuses to adventure with me.

Doran
2012-08-26, 08:25 AM
Well, I've been reading these stories, and I felt I should post a story that happened pretty recently.

the party is running 4e. the party has a total of 11 pc's, though we rarely get everyone together, but we had 5 pcs to work with this instance

the pregnant elven fighter
the human cleric
the elven ranger
the changeling artificer
And my dragon-born fighter

We go to the leader of wizards and he asks us if we want to train up for the challenges to come. We say sure, and he throws us into another plane of existence. The first time we enter we end up fighting a red dragon, not to difficult between the 5 players, though we mostly lucked out from the dm's terrible starting roles. We killed the dragon, and got thrown back out. We're all pumped, and the wizard asks if we want to go again. The other fighter in our group gets super excited and goes hell yeah. The cleric votes yes, as does the artificer. The ranger says no, and I remain indifferent. The wizard grins and throws us back thru the portal. We end up getting thrown up against 3 blade spiders, nowhere near as bad, but the ranger is arachnophobia. He passes out at the sight of giant spiders, so he gets sucked out of the plane by the wizard. the rest of us stay and fight. They're pretty easy to fight, so we have 2 incredibly injured. I decide to make a dungenering check on the spider, and discover it can be used as a mount by humanoid creatures, so I decide to roll a nature check to determine if I can tame it. Nat 20, and I hop on its back. I then ride it into combat and kill the other two. afterwords, I'm allowed to keep the spider as my mount and ride out of the portal. Our ranger is standing there waiting for us and sees the spider, screams like a girl and threatens to kill my mount, then I tel him I'll kill him if he tries, and we have a stand off before he runs away, up a flight of stairs and refuses to adventure with me.

Wait your other fighter goes into battle pregnant?

Curtis6566
2012-08-26, 11:39 AM
Well, I've been reading these stories, and I felt I should post a story that happened pretty recently.

the party is running 4e. the party has a total of 11 pc's, though we rarely get everyone together, but we had 5 pcs to work with this instance

the pregnant elven fighter
the human cleric
the elven ranger
the changeling artificer
And my dragon-born fighter

We go to the leader of wizards and he asks us if we want to train up for the challenges to come. We say sure, and he throws us into another plane of existence. The first time we enter we end up fighting a red dragon, not to difficult between the 5 players, though we mostly lucked out from the dm's terrible starting roles. We killed the dragon, and got thrown back out. We're all pumped, and the wizard asks if we want to go again. The other fighter in our group gets super excited and goes hell yeah. The cleric votes yes, as does the artificer. The ranger says no, and I remain indifferent. The wizard grins and throws us back thru the portal. We end up getting thrown up against 3 blade spiders, nowhere near as bad, but the ranger is arachnophobia. He passes out at the sight of giant spiders, so he gets sucked out of the plane by the wizard. the rest of us stay and fight. They're pretty easy to fight, so we have 2 incredibly injured. I decide to make a dungenering check on the spider, and discover it can be used as a mount by humanoid creatures, so I decide to roll a nature check to determine if I can tame it. Nat 20, and I hop on its back. I then ride it into combat and kill the other two. afterwords, I'm allowed to keep the spider as my mount and ride out of the portal. Our ranger is standing there waiting for us and sees the spider, screams like a girl and threatens to kill my mount, then I tel him I'll kill him if he tries, and we have a stand off before he runs away, up a flight of stairs and refuses to adventure with me.

All i can think of is the list of things can no longer do during an RPG.One of the rules was my character cannot start the game pregnant. Also did your DM have a house rule that a nat 20 skill check always succeds?

Craft (Cheese)
2012-08-26, 02:18 PM
Wait your other fighter goes into battle pregnant?

I was sorely disappointed when the punchline of the story had absolutely nothing to do with that.

Lentrax
2012-08-26, 03:07 PM
I was sorely disappointed when the punchline of the story had absolutely nothing to do with that.

Seconded. But I think it's still hilarious.

Karoht
2012-08-27, 01:09 PM
I'm in a guild of rangers and druids already... mind if I steal this idea?So long as you borrow the joke along with it, sure!

Deepbluediver
2012-08-27, 01:23 PM
Reading a thread about rebalancing the Diplomacy skill reminded me of this one. A little background before we being: there was a fair amount of overlap between the various geek cliques at my school, and several of the D&D players are also anime fans of varying degrees of obsession. This will be relevant later.

Our party:
a div-specced wizard (this player always plays the exact same build, and somehow never gets bored, whereas I get bored just playing WITH him)
Me, a fairly standard arrows-of-death ranger
A halfing kleptomaniac rogue (nothing unusual so far, the next two characters are the important ones for this story)
The most munchkin-esque member of our group is slowly being banned from the entire game, one class at a time, and is rolling as a bard this time around.
Our melee tank is a female player playing a male fighter, and trying her very best to prove that cross-gender roleplay doesn't work no matter who does it


Our group was playing as the vary standard set of murder-hobos, going from city to city, killing monsters and taking their stuff, and the bard/"leader"/party-face was complaining that all his Diplomacy and synergy skill-points where going to waste. Our kill-everything, ask no questions model of business had worked so far, but we don't want him to get cranky and upset, so we agree to let him give it a go on the next intelligent creature we see, providing it's not undead or some other abomination of evil (talking down the BBEG instead of fighting tends to upset the DM, since once of us inevitably ends up sneak-attacking them at the first opportunity anyway).

We've just left the small town we are using as our current base of operations, following the rumors to the local monsters-and-treasure outlet dungeon, and our DM asks us to make some listen checks. We fail miserably (an all-to common occurence, it seems), and he gets a wicked grin on his face. The DM makes a few rolls of his own, and his grin turns into a frown. A few "minutes" later, and our party walks around a bend in the trail to come face-to-face with a large party of orcs proceeding in the opposite direction. Everyone is too surprised momentarily to react (the orcs had apparently failed their listen checks as well, which was odd since our bard had been singing traditional dwarfish drinking songs while we hiked to keep moral up).

The orcs outnumber us more than 4-to-1, are well equipped, and at least a few of their number look to be casters of some kind. If they have more than 2 PC levels apiece, it'll be a close fight at best, and an outright slaughter (of us) at worst.

In our games, a fight significantly outside our challenge level usually indicates we've gone WAY off the rails, and are straying too far from the DM's prepped plot. It's hard to tell if this is the situation or not, since much of it comes down to what classes the orcs have, and that isn't something we can easily discern at a glance.

Our wizard nudges the diplomancy-maxed bard forward. "Well, here's a your chance; see what they want".

The bard checks his character sheet and winces. "I, uh, ...don't speak orcish."

How do you like that? A dozen obscure languages, and he hadn't bothered to pick up orcish. It was one of those things that so many characters get as a bonus language that we are used to just having it available as standard practice, and no one in the party actually bothered to learn it. Like buying yourself a fancy new crossbow and leaving town without any bolts, or not stocking up on rope and 10-ft. poles. (guess how often both have happened? hint: it's more than once)

Do the orcs speak common, maybe?
No, they do not.

Well how about giant, draconic, abyssal, sylvan, ignan, aquan, dwarven, goblin, or undercommon?
Nope, none of those; looks like the orcs don't get out much.

It would probably be a bad idea to try any dialect of elvish, right?
Probably.


The orcs are starting to look shifty, so our party fighter takes things into her own hands, without consulting the rest of us. (remember, this is a female player, male character; we'll call her "Sam" for simplicity) Sam strides purposefully forward, stopping just a few feet from the orcs, who draw back slightly in anticipation. The fighter draws "his" sword, slowwwwwwly, and holds it out in front of "him" before dropping it to the ground
The orcs all glance at the weapon briefly, then back at the fighter.

One other house-rule in our games: the DM is known to give circumstance bonuses for good roleplay, so Sam begins to describe in exquisite detail how "he" pulls off his surcoat and tunic, chainmail armor, and shirt, dropping them all the ground one by one. (IRL, Sam is still very obviously female)

All the rest of us male players are pretty much listening in far-too stereotyplical rapt silence, except for the DM, who is bracing for another BAD attempt at seduction. Remember how I mentioned anime early on? The female player is a known yaoi (male-male romance) fan, and all the orcs are most definitely male. (hey, we TRY to roleplay; it's not our fault it it makes the DM die a little inside each time)

In one motion, Sam rolls a d20 across the table and then stands up while declaring in a loud voice, "I make a DIPLOMACY CHECK! WHILE FLEXING!" She proceeds to strike her best muscle-beach pose, and attempts to looks all squinty-eyed and fierce.

There is nothing but silence for a good 30 seconds. Sam glances at the dice, and with even with an ability penalty and no ranks, proudly announces she managed an 11.

The silence thunders onward.
The DM, having slightly more presence of mind than the rest of us, recovers first (somewhat).
"The orcs, uh.... are too confused and surprised to react".
(the DM is obviously scrambing to buy himself some time, while he figures this out)

Sam scoops up the dice, and makes another roll, and takes a new pose. "I make a DIPLOMACY check, while FLEXING!" Sam's face turns red as she strains to looks as buff as a 90 pound girl can look "....14 that time!"

The DM catches on first, with the wizard and myself following a moment later. Sam is attempting to roleplay a scene from a certain anime, which shall remain nameless. You know the one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-Hv4GvvHkQ) I'm talking about.

The DM mutters under his breath "god help you if this doesn't stay PG" and proceeds to describe the orc's response.
"The largest orc in the group pushes his way to the front, flings his greataxe to the ground, and peels off his leather armor. He makes an INTIMIDATE check...*sigh*....while flexing."
*rolls, dice* "...15"

Sam picks up the dice again "...while FLEXING! ....13!"
(since normally we find new and interesting ways to fail at the unfailable, this is the longest string of double digit skill checks thus far in the game)

DM: *rolls dice* ...9

Sam: "WHILE FLEX-XING!"..."OMG! NATURAL 20!!!"

DM: *puts his head in his hands* "I can't ****ing believe this.".
Bard: "I can't believe she wasted a 20 like that!"
DM: "Congratulations, you've made friends with the orcs."

Sam: "WOOHOO! I win!....so do I get XP for that?"
(hey, our group may be barely competent, but we know what's important)

DM: *throws his hands up in the air* "Sure, you get all the damn XP you want"

Sam: "Really?"

DM: "No, you get 100 XP."


The bard, who has been cowering in the back up until this point, eventually redeems himself somewhat by bartering with the orcs, trading some uncut gems we hadn't been able to spend for a selection of very useful potions.
We part ways, waving goodbye to our new collection of orcish brothers-in-arms, and having learned a valuable lesson about not murdering every humanoid we come across just because they have different color skin, or tusks, or their entire race treats women like garbage.

Two sessions and "three days" later, we return to the small mountain village, laden with treasure and new tales of derring-do and failed knowledge checks ("how was I supposed to know it was a rust monster and not a demon? I'll buy you a new silvered-sword with my share of the loot as soon as we get back to the city, I promise").


In our absence, the village has been looted, pillaged, and mostly burned to the ground by the orcish raiding party we where supposed to fight. :smallfrown:

Antonok
2012-08-27, 01:36 PM
-snip-

That was hilarious. Haven't laughed like that in a while.

Also,you mind if I sig this:


(hey, we TRY to roleplay; it's not our fault it it makes the DM die a little inside each time)

It sums up about half my group rather nicely.

Mono Vertigo
2012-08-27, 02:07 PM
*snip*
*starts reading*
Please don't let it be that scene...
... sweet lord, it is THAT scene.
*reads reads*



Verdict: most amazing "battle" in recent roleplay history. And you can tell Sam she plays males well enough. :smallamused:

Flame of Anor
2012-09-05, 07:59 PM
In our absence, the village has been looted, pillaged, and mostly burned to the ground by the orcish raiding party we where supposed to fight. :smallfrown:

"We rebuild the village! WHILE FLEXING!"

Doorhandle
2012-09-08, 04:21 AM
-snipped-


Cool story bro!
..although I reckon those orcs should have beat the fail out of flexing man, and THEN stand on his broken body while flexing.

sneakyranger
2012-09-08, 08:30 AM
My story is merely one of my players, Bulk Bogan Dwarven Druid of nature! His weapon of choice bear hands, not his fisticuffs no! He took the paws off a dead bear and made them into gloves so he can rip people apart with his bear hands!

:smallbiggrin:

Doran
2012-09-08, 06:18 PM
My story is merely one of my players, Bulk Bogan Dwarven Druid of nature! His weapon of choice bear hands, not his fisticuffs no! He took the paws off a dead bear and made them into gloves so he can rip people apart with his bear hands!

:smallbiggrin:

Does they also deal INT damage when someone in game gets the pun? :smallamused:

Doorhandle
2012-09-09, 03:08 AM
My story is merely one of my players, Bulk Bogan Dwarven Druid of nature! His weapon of choice bear hands, not his fisticuffs no! He took the paws off a dead bear and made them into gloves so he can rip people apart with his bear hands!

:smallbiggrin:

The heavy approves of your choices in weponary, as do I.

:smallcool:

Zelphas
2012-09-09, 12:48 PM
My group was clearing out a settlement of drow for some friends. They had taken a few days to recuperate after nearly dying against a drow priestess, and the drow had taken advantage of this time to flee out the backdoor, leaving lots of nasty traps in their wake.
One 20 ft x 30ft room contained four burning hands traps, a pit trap (20 ft deep), and Explosive runes written in large letters on the floor. The group set off the Explosive Runes as soon as they entered the room, so the rest of the group retreated and the Rogue moved forward to disable the rest of the traps, with the Ninja assisting.
The first two Burning Hands traps were disabled easily, but on the third trap the rogue rolled 15 total, setting off a gout of flame. He avoided it completely (yay Evasion!) but the Catfolk ninja was roasted. Here's what the rest of the group saw and heard:

*gout of flame*
Rogue: Yes! missed me!
*roasts marshmallows on flames, turns to Ninja*
want a marshmallow?
*slap* (max damage on unarmed strike)
Rogue: Ow...

This exchange caused the assassin to call out, asking if everything was all right. The rogue proceeded to fail his Disable Device check again, and the gout of flame knocked the Ninja unconcious.

Assassin: Is everything okay in there?
*gout of flame*
*rogue appears, dragging unconscious ninja*
Assassin: ...I guess not.

Dimers
2012-09-11, 11:51 AM
So your party was a rogue, an assassin and a ninja? Let me guess, you had a cleric of Olidamarra too, and your arcanist was an illusionist with the Shadow Shaper ACF who had a black cat familiar? Or maybe a psion who exclusively used camouflage, cloud mind and control light?

I'll tell ya, most groups are too Leeroy Jenkins to pull it off, but I would be seriously terrified of a party where every member was stealthy.

Zelphas
2012-09-11, 03:32 PM
I'm DMing for this group, and the final member of the "regulars" so far is an Illusion-specialist wizard. They've recently picked up a cleric of St. Cuthbert for tanking/band-aids, since none of them can really take the front lines in a fight. She is Lawful Good; the rest are Chaotic Neutral. Things might just get interesting.

Lux_Vitayl
2012-09-13, 06:30 PM
It's not really all that funny to me, but once when I was role-playing with my boyfriend and our group I died in a most disturbing way.

Setting: Tamriel's infamous Black Marshes

We were half way through a campaign that had a doomsday "someone is creating an army of dragons... undead dragons." plot. Funny thing is, the DM had allowed me to be a dragon masquerading as a half-elf cleric (in the beginning of the game I was hit with a baleful polymorph spell) with normal player character stats. It was a rather high powered campaign... what with both good and evil undead dragons running around and all... (good ones were being forced).
Surrounded by a hord of skellies and stone golems, I'm captured by a lich cleric and a vampire fighter/soldier. Stabbing me with a poison dagger, the DM lowered my dexterity and constitution I believe, they dragged me into a circle where the lich cast a barrier spell. I think the basis of the spell was a "trap soul" kinda thing. and Lo and behold! My party arrives just then! And battle the vampire brother who is outside of the circle.


boyfriend: I cast my wand of black tentacles at the lich.
DM: You idiot! do you remember the area of effect for that spell?
boyfriend: She's not that close is she?
Me: O.O
DM: She's right next to the lich...
bf: *turns to me* well ehehe... sorryyyy...
Me: What did you dooo??? Q.Q :smalleek:

I had to make 6 fortitude saves in a row in order to survive. I made the first 4, failed the 5th and the damage from the 6th round killed me. I'm not sure how becoming a dracolich worked (and because the DM was trying out a different method of creating Dracolichs from good dragons), but since I died while in the circle my soul was transferred to the host object; a little black gem.

So my boyfriend killed me and turned me into a dracolich... now THAT is love people... :smallwink: imagine the look on his face when he found out I was a dragon PC? :smallbiggrin:

Our next campaign should be fun though. More of a plane-touched campaign. I'm an Aasimar and he's a tiefling. <3

ZeroGear
2012-09-13, 09:20 PM
Our recent pathfinder session had a pretty funny moment in it, of which my character was the cause.
Our group was in the Tien area, going though the second part of the "Quest for Perfection" series. Basically, we were sent to pick up some special incense from one of the tribes, then transport this special braid to the descendant of the only person who could use it. Eventually, we come to this one check point, guarded by members of this nation that we know want to steal the braid. So our most diplomatic member, the halfling rogue (who was supposed to be a pirate) is trying to talk them out of boarding us.
Now, my character is a Half-Elf Fighter (Xi Huan) with a vary short temper (if anyone knows Kamen Rider Den-O, he resembles Momotarus), and he was given a mission by the leader of the Lantern Lodge to find out what this nation is up to and why they want the braid. Upon noticing that the guy standing on the docks is some kind of bureaucrat, the following ensues:

Bureaucrat (B): Allow us to board!
Halfling (H): Why do you need to?
B: So we can assess the value of your cargo and tax you accordingly
Xi Huan (me): ASSESS THIS YOU MAGGOT! *leaps off ship onto dock, passes B, and strikes one of his two bodyguards with his temple sword*
Rest of Group: :eek:
DM: B is so shocked at what just happened that he just blinks for a second, roll initiative.
Xi Huan: I warn you: from start to finish, I'M AT A CLIMAX!

the battle goes on, we drop the guards and incapacitate B with the hideous laughter spell to keep him from running away. At this point, our seoceress (Felicity) wants to charm the information out of him. My guy wouldn't have it.

Me: I grab the guy's collar and lift him close to my face.
DM: he stares at you.
Xi Huan: TELL US EVERYTHING YOU KNOW ABOUT THE BRAID OF A THOUSAND MASTERS!!!! *shakes B like a rag doll* *Rolls intimidate*
DM: he is so scared he tells you everything.

In the end, we left B on the shore, tied to a tree, stripped of everything but his loincloth.
Man I love this character.

Zelphas
2012-09-14, 01:17 AM
Same group as before--The Assassin, the Ninja, the Rogue, the Wizard, and the Cleric. The group had been hired to "test the defenses" of a nobleman (basically, they were legally allowed to steal from him). I have a few stories from this session.

Just to clarify, these are all seventh-level characters.

The Super-Servant
For their first try at infiltrating the nobleman's house, the group decided to send one of their people in as a servant, knocking out an actual servant and stealing her clothes. Naturally, the Rogue and the Assassin elected to go and do the "knocking out the servant" part.
I let them find a servant about the same height and build as the Wizard (who would be doing the impersonating). The servant (a level 1 Commoner) headed out of the mansion at midday and went to buy foodstuffs, emerging from the store laden with heavy bags. It was at this moment that the Assassin made her move.
Going up to the servant, she asked to help her carry her bags, rolling a bluff check in an attempt to put on the "woebegone urchin" persona (the Assassin is an anthropomorphic fox, and the player often stresses how cute her character is). She rolls a 16. The Servant rolls a natural 18 and politely refuses, picking up her pace to get away from this strange furry creature.
The rogue, deciding on the more direct approach, waits to waylay the poor servant at a bend in an alley. He jumps in with a trip attempt. 16. The human commoner rolls. 17.
Having won the roll, the human commoner immediately tries to trip the Rogue. He fails his check and falls prone, but manages to bluff her into thinking he just bumped into her.
She helps him up, apologizing, and he decides to take a swing at her, hoping to drop her with nonlethal damage and get this over with. At the same time as he attacks, the Assassin catches up to the Servant and decides to bull-rush her, hoping to tackle her to the ground. The Assassin rolls her bull-rush attempt. Natural 1.
We play with critical fails at my table, so I ruled that the Assassin actually tripped and pushed the Servant out of the way, getting punched by the Rogue herself instead. The Servant freaks out and runs back to the mansion, leaving the Rogue and the Assassin staring after her in bewilderment.
Throughout this whole exchange, the Servant never dropped a single bag.

Deadly Hello
The group manages to get into the nobleman's house by more "conventional" means (Airwalking over the outer wall and Stone Shaping through the house walls), and interrupt an actual burglary, capturing the would-be-thief and still getting away with the treasure they were instructed to steal. They make their way to the nobleman's study, where they were supposed to meet him and return the treasure. Finding no one in the study, they decide to surprise the elderly nobleman by hiding in the study and waiting for him to return.
The nobleman comes into the study after a few minutes, looking haggard and tired. The Rogue waits until the man's back is to him and taps on his shoulder, coughing.
Now, I had already described the nobleman as an older, overweight man, and there had been hints that he had been feeling ill for quite a while. So when this tired, sickly old man was tapped on the shoulder, I ruled that he grabbed his left arm, made a choking noise, and fell to the floor.
The Cleric rushed in and managed to stabilize him immediately, cuffing the rogue hard on the back of the head and cursing at him in Elvish. The Rogue is flipping out, and the rest of the group are staring in horror, when a knock comes at the door. The Nobleman's son was there, making sure his father was feeling okay. He entered the study and went very quiet. The Cleric quickly explained what had happened.
The Nobleman's son is a middling-level wizard, so he could have destroyed the Rogue with a flick of his wrist and a word. Instead, he walked right up to the Rogue and decked him full in the face, knocking him unconscious.

TL;DR: The story of how the Rogue and Assassin failed miserably against a level 1 Commoner, followed by how the Rogue nearly killed their employer and was punched out by a wizard.

Frog of War
2012-09-14, 04:04 AM
So this story took place in a homebrewed d6 system of our GM's design. There was a party full of characters, but the important characters for this story are:

Fubear, a huge grizzly man who rages and turns into a bear (my character)
Nieve, a rogue who will take anything that isn't bolted down
Solaren, the epic-leveled BBEG

So Fubear's main schtick was that his alignment was "Hungry-Neutral". He was always hungry and making decisions based on his stomach. One day, while Fubear was occupied eating, Nieve decided it would be a good idea to steal his Platter of Infinitely Replenishing Food. Nieve failed her steal roll, and Fubear crit his perception. Being at least twice Nieve's size, Fubear turned around and punted her. Fubear double-crit on his attack roll*, and Nieve again failed her roll, this time to dodge. It seemed this attack was going to do a number on her...

But when Fubear's foot should have connected with Nieve, a blue forcefield sprang up protecting her stomach, blocking the blow but sending Fubear and Nieve flying into the sky. This is how the party found out Nieve's secret that she was pregnant with Solaren's baby.


*In this homebrewed system, one of your d6s is considered your "crit die". If you roll a 6 on it, you roll again and add it to the total, and keep doing so until you don't roll a 6.

Frog of War
2012-09-14, 04:11 AM
Man I love this character.

Playing a completely bullheaded character is always a blast, if sometimes short-lived :smalltongue:

turbo164
2012-09-14, 03:59 PM
The story of how the Rogue and Assassin failed miserably against a level 1 Commoner

Did the commoner level up from that? ^_^

ZeroGear
2012-09-14, 06:37 PM
Playing a completely bullheaded character is always a blast, if sometimes short-lived :smalltongue:

Oh, don't worry. If this one dies, I plan on making an Orc Gunslinger who always yells "Daka!" when he shoots something. I intend to make that one dumb as a sack of rocks, but lovable nonetheless. I think I shall name him "Bong".

Zelphas
2012-09-14, 08:51 PM
Did the commoner level up from that? ^_^
You know, turbo164, I think she did. She was so terrified from the weird people who were stalking her that she ran off to a monastery for protection, training in the ways of the monks (nuns?) while there. (I know monks are pretty underpowered, but succeeding on a Sense Motive Check against a PC and tripping another... it just seems appropriate).
I think I have to give her a name now...

DontEatRawHagis
2012-09-14, 11:56 PM
Me - DM
Thrall - Male Dwarf Fighter/Soldier who has a hangover.
Quarian - Male High Elf Cleric of War, who woke up next to Thrall and the Rogue with a sheep between them.
Lia - Female High Elf Wizard, wilderness guide and book smart.(New to the Game)
Scruffnut - Male Halfling Rogue, hires prostitutes and sets fire to random objects. Last thing he did was buy a prostitute for a Kobold.

Overview:
The players have been hired to kill an fallen cleric who has decided to hide in the Catacombs under her ex-church. All but Scruffnut decide to go through the main entrance while he takes a round about way through the tunnels used by the thieves guild in the town.

Entering the Tomb:
Upon entering the catacombs a little ways ahead of the others Scruffnut sees a coffin on a stone slab in the middle of the room and it is moving.

Scruffnut: I pour Alchemist's Fire on it.
Me: Okay, the coffin opens up and a familiar looking kobold and half naked woman pop out of it, both on fire.
Scruffnut(After putting them out): What were you doing in there?
Kobold: Hey, I don't tell you how to use your hookers when you're given one by a complete stranger.

The Holy Water:

Me: Upon entering the room you notice a small pool of water in it's center. There seems to be something moving underwater
Lia: I roll to figure out what its for.
Quarian: Same.
Yarl: I pee in it.
Scruffnut: What?
Me: Really?
Yarl: Why not?
Me: Okay. Lia and Quarian you know this is a ceremonial baptismal pool to sanctify the bodies before entombment.
Lia: Oh... crap.
Yarl: Its alright.

Me: Yarl a giant rat surfaces and tries to bite you.
Yarl: I cover my crotch. While stabbing it.*Rolls Crit*
Me: Okay, there is a dead giant rat floating in the holy water, its blood turning the water red.
Scruffnut: Orange.
Me: What?
Scruffnut: If he pissed in it, then the water should be yellow. Adding red makes orange.
Me: Man he must of peed a lot.
Yarl: What can I say? I have a large bladder.

Best Part of the Night:
Me: You see in the water a R.O.U.S. swimming.
Lia: Whats that?
Scruffnut, Quarian: Rodent of Unusual Size.
Lia: Wait a minute... did we master the fire swamp yet?

Frog of War
2012-09-16, 03:52 AM
Oh, don't worry. If this one dies, I plan on making an Orc Gunslinger who always yells "Daka!" when he shoots something. I intend to make that one dumb as a sack of rocks, but lovable nonetheless. I think I shall name him "Bong".

Gunslinger eh? You know he'll be referred to by bards throughout the land as "The Smoking Bong".

Doorhandle
2012-09-16, 04:09 AM
Gunslinger eh? You know he'll be referred to by bards throughout the land as "The Smoking Bong".

I have a sneaking suspicion he planned that.

ZeroGear
2012-09-16, 02:36 PM
I have a sneaking suspicion he planned that.

Surprisingly, i actually missed that one.

The Curt Jester
2012-09-18, 02:35 AM
Characters:

Scout (me)
Rogue
Fighter
Sorcerer
Ranger
Druid


Our party had just entered a city when some thieves pickpocketed valuables from the fighter, but they didn't do so unnoticed. Unfortunately, they had a bit of a head start, so the party had to chase them through the streets and alleys. In order to head off the thieves, the party split and went down separate streets. The scout, being the fastest, managed to make the three thieves split up. Eventually, the chase led into a main road where one of the thieves fooled the crowd into thinking there was a healer giving free blessings. A massive stampede started, and they got away on the opposite side of the crowd.

The party was split at this time. The ranger, fighter, and sorcerer had caught one of the thieves. The rogue and scout were after the other two. The druid was lagging behind. Because of the separation, the party members couldn't see everyone and didn't (in character) know where the others were. Well, the rogue and fighter managed to squeeze through the crowd and chased after the thieves. The druid and sorcerer stayed back. The ranger tried to plow his way through and got knocked over. My character, the scout, decided it wasn't worth trying to fight the crowd, so he got the brilliant idea of deterring the crowd from moving in one direction by tossing a bag full of caltrops into the teeming masses. Unfortunately, they landed right where the ranger (who he couldn't see) was, causing a massive pileup and sending the ranger into negative hit points.

Scout: *Tosses caltrops into the crowd.*
DM: (Incredulously) Are you sure you want to do that?

Needless to say, yes, the scout was determined. Plus, he was rather irritated at the foolish people in the crowd actually believing some cleric would be giving free blessings in a place known for greed. He wanted to hurt them a little, too.

So, in went the caltrops, and landed right on top of the fallen ranger (who wasn't visible in the crowd). The result was a massive pileup of newly-lame commoners who fell on top of the ranger. Trample damage sent him into negative hit points. Fortunately for him, the scout was nice enough to loan a potion to the poor guy.

The whole group was literally laughing out loud during the whole episode. Even the guy playing the ranger was having a good time with it. In the end, I got extra XP for being the comedy act of the night.

I should mention that such callous acts by the party aren't unexpected entirely. They are, for the most part, evil and they certainly aren't working together because they like or respect each other. In general there seems to be an air of "me first" and the desire to get ahead of the others. Cooperation happens, but almost grudgingly, and mainly because they know that they need the others in battle or for various situations. I'm sure the party will get me back in due time. Fun times!

JohnnyCancer
2012-09-19, 04:22 AM
I've been playing Paizo's Shackled City campaign, updated for Pathfinder rules. Our group is intensely paranoid, and usually waxes ludicrously wrathful if we catch anyone lying to us, frequently killing the liar; something the DM has complained about more than once.

In the course of the campaign we're charged by an angel to take over a layer of the Abyss that has been abandoned by its master who actually left a means whereby anyone who completed some trials could rule the layer. Immediately after we get this quest, we encounter a fiendish guy named Carufaun (don't actually know how it's spelled) who so happens to have the sign the Angel instructed us to follow, along with a sob story of how he's seeking redemption, and a few details as to what to expect.

After the group explores the layer of the Abyss and completes some of the trials, we catch Carufaun in a lie. Taking the DM's previous complaints of our viciousness to heart, we merely beat the stuffing out of him and bind him in our portable hole with a bottle of air until we can finish the trials. While we congratulate ourselves on demonstrating mercy, the DM is holding his face in both palms.

Sometime after we completed that adventure, he divulged that if we had brought him with us to the final trial, he would have betrayed us; but if we had killed him, he would come back at the final trial as a more powerful ghost. Poor DM lost the chance to give us some comeuppance for our prior zero-tolerance stance :smallbiggrin:

Dimers
2012-09-19, 03:26 PM
Poor DM lost the chance to give us some comeuppance for our prior zero-tolerance stance :smallbiggrin:

Awww, so sad. Poor guy has to settle for teaching an entire group a new way of play directly in accordance with his own values. :smalltongue:

Frog of War
2012-09-20, 01:57 AM
Awww, so sad. Poor guy has to settle for teaching an entire group a new way of play directly in accordance with his own values. :smalltongue:

Well, what were the characters' alignments? If the party or most of it were good-aligned, then I can see the GM's frustration here... I'm assuming the party must have been pretty neutral on the good/evil axis? Anyways, funny as hell though!

Morithias
2012-09-20, 02:07 AM
Did the commoner level up from that? ^_^

There was one insane story where a commoner jumped a ton of levels.

Okay, our group usually house rules that if you are badass enough to kill something that's high enough level you CAN jump more than 1 level at a time (this is often cause we don't give xp after every encounter, but rather the whole adventure).

One time my friends told me a story (I wasn't actually there), of an epic campaign where they got into a bar fight in a small village.

A drunk level one commoner snuck up behind the Level 28 or so Astral Deva and swung a beer bottle at him.

Now in this campaign they were experimenting with the "triple 20 = instant kill" rule.

20...20....20.

Level 1 commoner, level 28 astral deva, beer bottle.

Dead Deva.

They decided this proved the rule was stupid and overruled it, but to this day I have to wonder how many levels that commoner would've gained from that attack.

JohnnyCancer
2012-09-20, 10:48 AM
Awww, so sad. Poor guy has to settle for teaching an entire group a new way of play directly in accordance with his own values. :smalltongue:

We'll see if it sticks! I think he was really hoping to nail us with that ghost though.


Well, what were the characters' alignments? If the party or most of it were good-aligned, then I can see the GM's frustration here... I'm assuming the party must have been pretty neutral on the good/evil axis? Anyways, funny as hell though!

5 out of 6 party members are neutral on the good/evil axis, with one token good party member. He's become addicted to a magical elixir that raises his strength but lowers his wisdom, so we frequently do things underneath his radar; we just as frequently humor his desire to do the righteous and heroic thing though :smallwink:

tbok1992
2012-09-20, 11:36 AM
You know, turbo164, I think she did. She was so terrified from the weird people who were stalking her that she ran off to a monastery for protection, training in the ways of the monks (nuns?) while there. (I know monks are pretty underpowered, but succeeding on a Sense Motive Check against a PC and tripping another... it just seems appropriate).
I think I have to give her a name now...
If she doesn't become a recurring character, I will be sad.

hex0
2012-09-20, 02:50 PM
So here's my bit. 3.X Forgotten Realms

Party:
Me, CN Rogue/Wizard/Techsmith Gnome, Geyser Screwloose
(can't remember other PC names)
Aasimar Paladin of Tyr
Neutral Drow Ranger (who has a hat of disguise to appear as a non-drow elf most of the time)
NG Human Druid

So we were staying in a mid-sized town in the Dales. The Druid and Ranger were out scouting, and I was sleeping in at the inn after passing out from a long night of R&D and whiskey. The Paladin got up early to heal the sick and help the poor, per usual.

The DM had me roll spot and listen (which I had a penalty on each)...then a fortitude save...then told me I died from smoke inhalation or something. Everyone was like "wut?". I pointed out that A, my familiar was most likely awake; B, I have a good sense of smell as a Gnome. So instead I woke up when I smelled smoke and my room was on fire hardcore. I quickly grabbed my familiar and my workbox/spellbook and jumped out the 2nd story window. Thanks to evasion and good tumble/jump checks, I made it out alive.

The early afternoon market was panicking at the fire and the singed Gnome rolling around on the ground. The Paladin was alerted to the fire and rode his mount to the scene.

Paladin: Geyser, are you alright, my boy?
Me: Uhh...first off, I am older than you. Second, I WOKE UP ON FIRE!
Paladin: I see that. But, we have people to rescue! Do you have your gear and spells.
Me: Let's see, waking up on fire tends to prevent me from preparing my spells. *looks over my stuff* ...Oh, Gond.
Paladin: What?
Me: MY POWDERHORN! I LEFT IF ON THE NIGHTSTAND!
DM: A massive explosion erupts from the burning inn, scattering glass and wood at you. Reflex saves please. (I succeed, the Paladin and his mount fail miserably.)

The Druid and Ranger start making their way back after spotting smoke rising from the town. By now, the inn is basically a lost cause. So the town guard captain shows up and is eyeing me.

Captain: Did you have anything to do with this?
Me: Not really.
Captain: Excuse me!?
Paladin: Sir, he left his explosives in the inn by mistake.
Me: *facepalm*
Captain: You burnt down the inn!? You better come with me.
Paladin: Sir, I mispoke. He...
ME: I woke up. On fire.
Captain: We need to find out the truth, and I do not trust you. Some strange foreigner shows up and the inn explodes? Now, come with me.
Me: I'm having a downer of a day, sir. And I don't have to go anywhere, but up!

*sleight of hand to pull my scroll of Spider Climb out from under the lining of my bowler hat. Cast it, and run up the nearby tall building.*

It turns out some evil wizard summoned a fire elemental, blah blah blah. I got a lot of bonus XP for admitting I forgot my powderkeg and staying in character.

ZeroGear
2012-09-20, 03:34 PM
So here's my bit. 3.X Forgotten Realms

Party:
Me, CN Rogue/Wizard/Techsmith Gnome, Geyser Screwloose
(can't remember other PC names)
Aasimar Paladin of Tyr
Neutral Drow Ranger (who has a hat of disguise to appear as a non-drow elf most of the time)
NG Human Druid

So we were staying in a mid-sized town in the Dales. The Druid and Ranger were out scouting, and I was sleeping in at the inn after passing out from a long night of R&D and whiskey. The Paladin got up early to heal the sick and help the poor, per usual.

The DM had me roll spot and listen (which I had a penalty on each)...then a fortitude save...then told me I died from smoke inhalation or something. Everyone was like "wut?". I pointed out that A, my familiar was most likely awake; B, I have a good sense of smell as a Gnome. So instead I woke up when I smelled smoke and my room was on fire hardcore. I quickly grabbed my familiar and my workbox/spellbook and jumped out the 2nd story window. Thanks to evasion and good tumble/jump checks, I made it out alive.

The early afternoon market was panicking at the fire and the singed Gnome rolling around on the ground. The Paladin was alerted to the fire and rode his mount to the scene.

Paladin: Geyser, are you alright, my boy?
Me: Uhh...first off, I am older than you. Second, I WOKE UP ON FIRE!
Paladin: I see that. But, we have people to rescue! Do you have your gear and spells.
Me: Let's see, waking up on fire tends to prevent me from preparing my spells. *looks over my stuff* ...Oh, Gond.
Paladin: What?
Me: MY POWDERHORN! I LEFT IF ON THE NIGHTSTAND!
DM: A massive explosion erupts from the burning inn, scattering glass and wood at you. Reflex saves please. (I succeed, the Paladin and his mount fail miserably.)

The Druid and Ranger start making their way back after spotting smoke rising from the town. By now, the inn is basically a lost cause. So the town guard captain shows up and is eyeing me.

Captain: Did you have anything to do with this?
Me: Not really.
Captain: Excuse me!?
Paladin: Sir, he left his explosives in the inn by mistake.
Me: *facepalm*
Captain: You burnt down the inn!? You better come with me.
Paladin: Sir, I mispoke. He...
ME: I woke up. On fire.
Captain: We need to find out the truth, and I do not trust you. Some strange foreigner shows up and the inn explodes? Now, come with me.
Me: I'm having a downer of a day, sir. And I don't have to go anywhere, but up!

*sleight of hand to pull my scroll of Spider Climb out from under the lining of my bowler hat. Cast it, and run up the nearby tall building.*

It turns out some evil wizard summoned a fire elemental, blah blah blah. I got a lot of bonus XP for admitting I forgot my powderkeg and staying in character.

Ok, that is an awesome story. when you said "up", I has half expecting you to pull a ripcord and fly away with sone kind of propeller.
But now you have me wondering: when you chose the name "Geyser Screwloose", were you A) intending to be a mad scientist/inventor and B) naming him after "Gyro Gearloose" form DuckTales?

hex0
2012-09-20, 03:38 PM
Yes, to both A and B! :smallbiggrin: You caught me...

But, yes, one of my favorite characters.

KobaldMinion#32
2012-09-21, 03:45 PM
Our party was investigating cult activity, and the party was my Human Brawler Fighter, a more-or-less completely dex-based Githzerai slayer, an Eladrin Warlord, and a Half-Elf Druid. The Githzerai slayer was the stealthy one of the party, so he went ahead to scout, but botched his stealth check. As a result, we got thrown into a fight with several cultists. As a result of poor rolls, and some tactical blunders, we got to the point, where everyone but the Slayer went down, and he was in no shape to get out of that fight without some serious good luck, and a lot of us were getting close to dying, he decided to surrender.

Now, the DM had not planned for this, at all. The fight was not supposed to be as difficult as it turned out to be, so he decided to just throw us in the cult's dungeons. One of us, I think the druid, mused aloud on why they didn't just kill us, and the DM piped up "Your punishment will be far greater" in the Tom Hardy Bane voice. And out stepped a masked High Priest of Bane. "When Wintergate [the city we had just been sent from] is in ashes, then you have my permission to die." According to the DM, when we asked him after the session, it was supposed to be a cult to Asmodeus, but he couldn't pass up the opportunity.

JohnnyCancer
2012-09-22, 08:16 PM
Snip

Timely AND funny!

Frog of War
2012-09-23, 06:15 AM
Snip

"You die from smoke inhalation." I feel that's a DM going a bit overboard. You don't just die from failing a single fort save and inhaling smoke. You suffocate, and there are rules for that. Also, spot and listen seem like funny things to have to roll to wake up in the middle of a fire. It's a good thing you argued him out of it.

Cpl.Punishment
2012-09-23, 07:47 AM
Myself and three friends recently started up an evil campaign. there was a fifth member, but he decided to leave.

The party:
(Blazimun) Fang McTavish: Shifter paladin, loves eating pieces of dead things.
(me) "Red" Hugar Donnigal: Dragonborn barbarian, banished from his homeland for breaking things
(no user name, will be refered to as "D") Amor Nef: Elven warlock, along for the ride.

DM: Benzer95. Horribly confused by all this.

Backstory
So, recently we were employed by a local lord to find out what had been stopping trade. On our way to Arramore, we were attacked by bandits, and found a note saying the keep at old Ashton (where we had come from) was being attacked. Wanting to take advantage of this to loot the keep, we return. This starts outside the keep.

story

DM: As you approach the keep, you notice several broken windows, and the door is slightly ajar.
Red: I break it down!:smallbiggrin:
Fang: NO!
Red: Awww.:smallfrown:
Fang: We go in, but very carefully.

DM: Inside you see two dead guards, with three mercenaries standing over them.
Red: I take a carpet!:smalltongue:
Fang, DM: No!

What followed was a long tirade of Blazimun failing at diplomacy with the mercs. here are the funny bits.

Fang: No, we were attacked by the bandits!:smallannoyed:
Merc: Oh!, sorry they were supposed to attack the lads from the ship.
Fang: WE WERE THE ONES FROM THE SHIP!:smallfurious:
Me, to D: And I'm the the one with rage abilities.
Me: I want to roll intimidate
Blazimun: No! I want to do this diplomatically!

Fang: So who is in charge?
Merc: I can't tell you but he may or may not be upstairs.
Fang: *rolls diplomacy* Take us to your leader *rolls five +2 diplomacy skill*
Merc: No! Men, have at them.
Red: *rolls intimidate* You should really take us to your leader, before I get... violent. *rolls 18 +11 intimidate skill(no I didn't spec for that. I'm level 2)*
Merc: *poops himself* AAH AAH AHH YE YE YES SIR RIGHT THIS WAY SIR!:smalleek:
Fang: Well that was easy.
Me and D *Facepalm*

Fang: Your leader teleported
DM: They draw their swords and grin at you
Red: *intimidate* DROP THEM, NOW *27 total*:smallmad:
Mercs: AHHHH!

Red: I want to take a carpet.
Fang, DM: No!
Red: But I want it!:smallfrown:
DM: Its lead lined and weighs 400 lbs
Red: Fine, I take a curtain.
DM: It's floral.
Fang: And luminous pink.
Red: I take it and fashion a cloak out of it!:smallbiggrin:
Benzer, Blazimun: *facepalm*
D: BWAHAHAHA!

Craft (Cheese)
2012-09-23, 08:06 AM
Sometime after we completed that adventure, he divulged that if we had brought him with us to the final trial, he would have betrayed us; but if we had killed him, he would come back at the final trial as a more powerful ghost. Poor DM lost the chance to give us some comeuppance for our prior zero-tolerance stance :smallbiggrin:

Obviously the solution was to have the demon lord come back and say "Why did you stuff one of my favorite minions into a portable hole? Time to die!"

JohnnyCancer
2012-09-25, 03:33 AM
Obviously the solution was to have the demon lord come back and say "Why did you stuff one of my favorite minions into a portable hole? Time to die!"

The demon lord (who we discovered is a fallen angel) is mysteriously AWOL, it's probably a major plot point. The Shackled City is fun, but the plot is terribly vague from the player perspective. Only now in what I think is Chapter 7 are we starting to get any real inkling of what's happening.

In continuing campaign hilarity, we encountered a Necromancer while seeking out the Soul Pillars of Kuran Kural (again, don't know if that's spelled right). He was the chatty type who liked to pour on the metamagic, hitting a good portion of our party with both a quickened lightning bolt and an empowered lightning bolt. After our Barbarian/Rogue tore through his mirror images in a single round of dual-wielding action; the Necromancer decided to Dominate him. Unfortunately for the Necromancer, my own Necromancer was able to cast suffocate, which left him too breathless to issue commands. He didn't survive past the following round.

JackOfAllBuilds
2012-09-25, 04:20 AM
Played in a competitve 4e "4thCore"-esque game at a convention. had to beat it and find cure in 4 hours or we die.
I played in Tomb of the Iron Lich year before, and this was essentially a leveled down version of it, with a insane gnome necromancer and "frankenstein" as the end boss.

Party is as follows:
Me: Ashar, Earth Genasi fighter, MC monk master of the fist (based off Armstrong FMA)
Mark: Clark the Clerk, hengeyokai Cleric|Warlord (lazy heal-ic)
Jason: (forget name), elf Mage illusionist/evocationist
Jason's GF: (forget name), elf Scout (ranger)
Jon: Krusk, half-orc slayer (Hulk with a greataxe)

Some of the most funny moments/quotes from the game:

i grapplehooked a statue across a chasm and hands were full, we need to tie the end off so i can cross too without doing a George of the jungle, but its not long enough to reach a column. allies decide to add more rope.
Jason: "Im a wizard, i dont dirty my hands with physical effort. You do it Clark"
Mark/Clark: "IM A BIRD! I DON'T HAVE HANDS!"


trying to find a way to open a hidden passage, we notice the chandelier isn't centered
DM: Okay, you are BOTH swinging on the chandelier now. Its not opening. Try something else.
me: *rolls perception* 27?
DM: Maybe try that -extra- chain hanging beside the chandeliers chain?
party: ooooohhhhh......

fighting the final boss, all happening to my character:
DM: the wizard throws a potion vial at you, it smashes open on your shoulder and...*roll*...an angry kobold pops out and chews your ear off
--
DM: the gnome throws another potion at you *roll* ...you drop your weapons, they animate as little robots that attack you
me: i dont carry weapons.. unarmed fist remeber?
Dm: hmm *looks at module* okay, your fists are now buzzsaws, +1d6 melee
party: AWESOME!

newBlazingAngel
2012-09-27, 09:40 PM
I introduced two new people to roleplaying with the star war RP. Not the 4d6 version, or the saga edition, but the original d20 version. Wordlessly and unanimously, they both decided to be murder hobos.

The cast:

Me- The DM. I'm running the basic adventure that comes with the rulebook.

Jedi Wookie- A youth pastor who is oddly psychotic when he roleplays.

Human Scoundrel- A seasoned nerd who had taught me to play magic the gathering less than a half hour ago.

We started off on a lovely joke going through the mind numbingly confusing (to newcomers) process of character creation.

Scoundrel- Let's just all be humans to simplify things.
Me- Yeah
Pastor- I WANNA BE A WOOKIE!

We then rip off some stats from the premade characters. And we're on our way. For a basic plot synopsis, the adventure revolves around stopping a terrorist group known as the flail who want to dissolve the senate. A chancellor by the name of Vallorum is hiring them.

Scoundrel- *laughing* I'm sorry I can't get over that name.

It didn't help that my best old-wise-man voice sounds a 12 year old at the height of puberty trying to imitate lord Voldemort. As soon as I mention the chancellor:

Wookie: I RIP HIS ARMS OFF!

When they found out their would be four hour wait, the wanted to go on a rampage. I stopped them. Then they wanted to go to a bar. As I player, I knew to shove them back onto the plot rails by telling them to march to the front of the line to confront the head of security. Once that's been done, they notice a man in a maintenance crew uniform acting "SUSPICIOUS!" The wookie tails him, easily spotting him in the crowd. The fake mechanic begans firing into the crowd.

Oddly enough the Scoundrel thought he wasn't in the game for some reason.

Scoundrel- Wait, so I'm not like trapped behind a wall of fat people?
Me- Wait...Huh...Waht... WHERE DID YOU POSSIBLY GET THAT FROM!?
Scoundrel: I DUNNO?!

So after realizing he is in play, he decides among his options, the best was seeking to right hook a stranger among a shooting. He rolled well enough on strength and luck so that he was able to punch out a mildly large stranger who didn't appear to have an friends, while the wookie deflected a blaster bolt and force pulled the blaster out of his hands.

They then meet Valorum who apologized for wasting the PC's time yada yada, standard fare.

Wookie: I say hello.
Me- Don't you mean, "ARGHGFAFKVOHF!?"

The ride up to a private meeting room where they, the chancellor, and Mace Windu can talk.

Wookie: I'm not sure if I'm comfortable being alone in a room with mace windu. Can I throw him out the window?
Scoundrel- "Annakin already did."

At which point he apologized for that easy joke. So, the wookie decides to make peace by hugging mace windu.

Me-...You share a tender hug.
Scoundrel- He should roll a hug check.
*19*
Me- He holds on a little bit longer than necessary.

And we had to stop there.

Firechanter
2012-10-16, 11:13 AM
At one point when I was DMing, the party investigated at a court because some weird things were going on there. Suspicion fell on one of the higher secretaries (who was in fact mind controlled by a Vampire).

They found out what his favourite pub was, and went there one night to meet him. The Cleric had loaded up on Discern Lies spells, which he secretly cast on the suspect, and the Rogue went over to start a conversation with him.
The plan as such was good, but it didn't lead anywhere because the vampire had programmed his memory very thoroughly so he had no _deliberate_ falsehoods to reveal.

Then near the end of the conversation, when the last spell was about to wear off and the Rogue was wrapping things up, I informed the Cleric that the suspect's aura had flickered green (i.e. he lied).

Players: "What did he say? What did he say?"
DM: "<<It was a pleasure meeting you.>>"

Douglas
2012-10-16, 03:14 PM
Just this past Sunday, I had a session that got the whole party laughing for quite a while, in large part at their own stupidity.

The party is level 11, and they have just received word via a Sending spell that an ally has uncovered valuable intel but is now captured. The intel concerns an alliance between the drow nation (the primary bad guys) and an unusually powerful group of pirates. The ally just got captured by the pirates.

They start out pretty well. Some Sending spells on their part, allowing replies by the captive ally, yield the information that she is in a prison on a ship, and that they should find a particular drow wizard (who is also on the ship) in order to learn the details of the drow plan. Also, that rescuing her would cause an alarm to be raised and make doing anything else more difficult.

So, they follow up by Scrying on her, Teleporting in under cover of an Invisibility Sphere, and then getting out of her prison cell with a Silent Dimension Door - leaving her behind for the moment. So far so good. They start exploring the ship. It's enormous. Recent encounters haven't challenged them much, so they're overconfident and start cracking jokes about taking over, starting their own pirate group, and/or slaughtering the entire pirate group.

They know they're looking for a powerful wizard, and they decide he's probably at the top. They go up the stairs. I roll for a random encounter, get nothing. They go up the stairs. I roll for a random encounter, get nothing. They go up the stairs some more times, never bothering to explore beyond the stairs' immediate area, and I keep rolling no random encounters. They get to the deck, still invisible. The pirates stationed on watch, with no see invis and their attention focused outwards, don't notice. They head to the forecastle and sneak in. No random encounter. They go up the stairs. No random encounter.

They go up the stairs to the observation dome. They have, at long last, reached the very highest location on the ship. There is going to be someone here, the only question is who/what. I roll... and get the captain of the ship and overall leader of the entire pirate group (which has a bunch of other, smaller, ships too).

So, they find this smelly wrinkled hag of a woman using a spy glass to examine the ocean, and she immediately looks up, figures out they're not part of her crew, and starts questioning them, seemingly with little concern for her safety. They talk for a little while, but then one of the players decides he's had enough and it's time to beat her into submission, possibly to encourage her to give them information. He tries a bluff check to catch her by surprise, but she easily wins her sense motive. Time for initiative. The player gets 27. I roll for her, and she goes first. She throws an Orb of Cold at him, and the players get nervous very quickly as I start gathering and counting up a BIG pile of dice. Between her caster level, Intensify Spell (http://www.d20pfsrd.com/feats/metamagic-feats/intensified-spell-metamagic), and sneak attack (she's a high level Arcane Trickster), it adds up to 27d6 damage. I roll, and it comes out to exactly 100. The character in question can take it, but it's over 2/3 of his max. Then he goes, rolls his attack, confidently announces a hit, and is surprised and dismayed when I ask for the actual number and announce that no, actually, that's not high enough.

Cue sudden and immediate backtracking of their conversational stance as the entire party suddenly realizes they might be in over their heads.:smallamused:

After a little more talking, they get out when the wizard casts Dimension Door again and uses Abrupt Jaunt to dodge her readied second Orb of Cold (which would otherwise have forced a concentration check with an impossible to make DC). They then Teleported back to their own ship with the imprisoned ally, and I had fun having an NPC yell at them about how stupid the whole "go straight to the top with no investigation whatsoever before hand" thing was.

Everyone laughed for several minutes at how the whole thing went and speculation about how she might react to the encounter. Of course, they never did find that drow wizard (though the fact that she's married to him did come up in the conversation - before they tried to attack; you'd think that might have cued them in that she's probably high level:smallconfused:) or any information on his plan, so they'll have to go back and try again next session...:smallbiggrin:

Curtis6566
2012-10-16, 03:41 PM
Just a quick little oddity: There are 5 people in my DnD group, and I am the only guy (and the DM). It didn't start out that way, but over time the other men moved on to other things. I just find that funny:smallsmile:.

Flemkopf
2012-10-18, 12:08 AM
First, the party:

S playing a duskblade/rogue.
J playing a Barbarian/Sorcerer.
Cold domain cleric named Leroy Jenkins. (His strategies reflect the name.)
Me, Forest Gnome Druid named Shortstuff.

So, we were asked to help a town that depended on a fur trade, their hunting parties weren't coming back and they wanted to know why.

Cue evil cult, in an underground complex made of ice. So we enter the large room right inside their hidden entrance with a nice water filled urn in the center with a ring and some money at the bottom. Well we beat the gelatinous cube and Leroy our cleric puts on the ring, which happens to be intelligent, though slightly insane. Of course, most of our characters can't tell the difference.

So we search the room, find the hidden door, which we go through instead of the two clearly visible doors at the other end of the room. No one would expect the party to know about the secret passage, right?:smallwink: Well we get to the end and we hear voices up ahead. With my racial bonuses to hide, I scout ahead and see about eight cultists gathered together kneeling. Only problem, I'm two feet tall, so I can see the leader who is performing a demon summoning ritual, but I can't see the altar that is right in front of him and *very* important to the ritual. So I signal the party over and we talk for five minutes while the ritual continues. We finish talking and two rounds later seven of the eight low level cultists are dead. Then the DM cackles because the real fight is just beginning.

So, S charges by the altar at the leader, failing to notice the circle in front of the altar. He is promptly taken over, and Leroy "keeps him under control" by gleefully attacking him. No one said he wasn't a team player. I send my wolf over by him to attack the leader and to make sure he doesn't get too carried away. S (under control of the DM) climbs onto the altar and then tries to jump over my wolf to get at Leroy. Cue Attack of Opportunity, the wolf hits, and barely fails to make the strength check to trip S out of the air. Leroy of course keeps hitting S. By the time the combat was over S was unconscious, but thankfully still alive.:smallsigh:

While this is happening we see a demon come out of the ground in front of the altar. (The DM hadn't planned for this to happen, but we spent too long talking.) So I sic a few summoned dire badgers on him while trying to take out the last regular cultist. After about five rounds and one of the badgers being swallowed we finally got the hint about the altar, which J finally takes out. The demon is weakened, and my dire badgers finish off this demon which they have fought single-handedly. Meanwhile I am just barely finishing off the other cultist warrior after four rounds facing him.:smallannoyed:

At the same time these other two events are happening J has been fighting the leader, aided by my wolf. After the four rounds the leader has about four hp left, tries to attack J, and promptly rolls a 1. We are playing with a critical fumble card deck, so our DM draws the card for the leader. "The pointy end goes there." Stabs herself for one point of con damage. Even con score, four hp, now with one less on the con modifier. The leader has successfully killed herself.:smallbiggrin:

We gather up the treasure, and what do we do? Leave the now alerted cult base for the night to recover spells. We barely survived the next day.

Krazzman
2012-10-18, 07:22 AM
Hmm I think this counts as we laughed our asses of in that session.

We are playing in a group of 5 PCs and one DM (one PC joined this session and is new to the material).

Cast:
a Favoured Soul
a Druid
a Rogue/Ranger
a Bard/Warlock
and me the Warblade/Fighter

We were on our way to a Temple of Talos (as our Druid was a worshipper of this faith). Due to some unlucky rolls our Favoured soul (being a quite old man) was struck with lightning and began again to talk nonsense. He disarmed the Rogue, cut his "safetyline" (we were climbing) and screamed "Now you are free Fishman! Swim free! I don't need your grate anymore!" And gave him back his short sword. In-Time druid and me begin laughing... (OOC Druid had a "laughing-cramp" and couldn't stop).
We were tested by a "cloudelemental or something like that" and due to being hit by lighning: Druid, Bard and Favoured Soul go down to sonic and electricity damage. Rogue and I kill Cloud, I begin emergency Healingbelting the group.
Inside the temple our Favoured Soul thought it would be a nice idea to bless this temple of Neptun (not really was still temple of Talos) in the name of Istishia. High-Priest is pissed of and we have an job to do. We climb further up and are nearly immediatly under attack of... Antmen. The fight starts and our Druid gets stung by a "Tailattack". The DM mentioned "you feel how he pumped secret into your wound"... to which I yelled "Now you are pregnant!" which resulted in another laughing from the druid player. We finally figured out that they just keep respawning and the Druid tried climbing up further (6m) to get the McGuffin and well got the first two checks needed and then failed one after another. Meanwhile I got stabbed with such a tail attack and got my "witty remark" handed back to me. In her fifth climbing round she told her eagle to get the McGuffin. Meanwhile I got stabbed with such a tail attack and got my "witty remark" handed back to me.
Now we think about betraying the priests and just leave to our next destination with this scepter or if we should actually give it back to them. Althoug a 6m tall giant gave us the advice not to trust them.

Lisselys
2012-10-18, 12:38 PM
It's probably already heard about, but it's one of my finest moment in D&D.
We are a group of 4 fighting to retrieve the MacGuffin into an ancient temple. It is guarded by the spirit of a paladin who challenges us whilst being under a giant platform. We start to fight and he kicks our asses pretty bad, but I have an idea.
I send my familiar to patrol the platform. Turns out that the MacGuffin was there and that it's not guarded. My raven flies to pick it up... And dies.
I kinda love my familiars, I talk and have fun and make them do funny and cool things, so you can imagine how pissed off I was.
Our Dm usually gives us nice thing, and I got something like 14 Necklace of fireball.
I take them, give them to the dwarf who launches them against the paladin, and set them off with a fireball.
BOOOOOOOOM.
Two hundreds d6 later we find the room completely shattered and a pretty much pissed off mage who takes the MacGuffin with no problem, having destroyed all the defences

Doorhandle
2012-10-19, 05:42 AM
It's probably already heard about, but it's one of my finest moment in D&D.
We are a group of 4 fighting to retrieve the MacGuffin into an ancient temple. It is guarded by the spirit of a paladin who challenges us whilst being under a giant platform. We start to fight and he kicks our asses pretty bad, but I have an idea.
I send my familiar to patrol the platform. Turns out that the MacGuffin was there and that it's not guarded. My raven flies to pick it up... And dies.
I kinda love my familiars, I talk and have fun and make them do funny and cool things, so you can imagine how pissed off I was.
Our Dm usually gives us nice thing, and I got something like 14 Necklace of fireball.
I take them, give them to the dwarf who launches them against the paladin, and set them off with a fireball.
BOOOOOOOOM.
Two hundreds d6 later we find the room completely shattered and a pretty much pissed off mage who takes the MacGuffin with no problem, having destroyed all the defences

...Things your D.M is not allowed to do.
* Not allowed to give the P.Cs a nuclear option. :smallbiggrin:


Temple of Talos (as our Druid was a whorshipper of this faith
Do I want to know how that works? :smalltongue:

Lisselys
2012-10-19, 08:02 AM
...Things your D.M is not allowed to do.
* Not allowed to give the P.Cs a nuclear option. :smallbiggrin:


Do I want to know how that works? :smalltongue:

Our group is usually a storer, they never use consumables. I'm not that kind of guy :P

Krazzman
2012-10-22, 03:22 AM
Do I want to know how that works? :smalltongue:

F*** I didn't notice that miss-spell...

D_Man_7733
2012-10-22, 05:32 AM
OK, so a note from my DM self and Player self before this starts.
DM: "Monks are overpowered..."
Player: "... in all the best ways"

This is a reboot for a campaign that never got very far, after the PC's abandoned the main questline because I made the mistake of not letting them leave for a little while, so in keeping with true PC fashion left the town they were in and never returned.

The first story takes place in the reboot, the party (all lvl 5)consists of a half-elf ranger with a large sized wolf companion, a monk trained in the temple of St. Cuthbert, and the helplessly adorable 6int half-orc barbarien (DMPC because I felt they needed a meat-shield and a low-int one seemed the best).

In the "reboot" the monk was getting missed by every attack that was going for him, zombies only having a chance to hit on a 19 (his AC was 21), but him using fists, meant although he hit alot, never did much damage. So monk and zombie trading blows, monk hitting, dealing no damage, zombies missing. The Barbarian, tore through the undead like butter, before breaking his greataxe, severely limiting his usefullness.

As there were a few undead down, I had a kobold sorcerer that had been flinging empowered low-level spells at them, throw a inflict light wounds at the party, healing the damaged undead ones almost up to full, and k nocking the monk into low health, which he uttered words I will never forget.

Monk: "I think I'm going down"
I immediately burst out laughing, not telling them that it was because both the ranger and monk had bought 10 cure light wounds potions each before venturing here, so they could just bomb the undead.

After killing all the undead and the kobold sorc using up all but two of his lvl 1 spells, used reduce person, suffering AoO from the monk, knocking him down to two HP, the kobold proceeded to run as fast as he could.

The monk, who easily chased after him noticed the trip wire that was blocking his path, and stepped over it, into a pit trap, rolled 2d6 (1 for falling, 1 for spikes), the monk was knocked down to 1 HP, managing to be saved just before the kobold ended him, thanks to the ranger making a lucky shot.

This has lead to my now strong held belief... only two things can hurt a monk, magic-missile, and traps.

Kriel
2012-10-23, 09:05 AM
Okay, here's one.

Me and my group are in a small village that was besieged by goblins in the service of Demogorgon in retaliation for us killing Chroma, a young adult red dragon that served him. It's the second advancing wave and we're butchering our way through goblins, dretches and the like. Our barbarian, Stormcloud, begins another turn of carnage among the goblins, sending one flying back over the ironwood walls that protect the village before moving to Cleave the second, the only distinguishing feature this goblin possesses being that he is slightly disfigured from being planetouched via the Abyss.

Stormcloud rolled a natural 1.

The DM ruled that the goblin, in a rare feat of adequacy, slides under the barbarian's swing on his knees, springs up and stabs him with his shortsword for a whopping 7 points of damage out of the 124 he had at the time. The goblin, who we had taken to calling Merk, along with his comrades were understandably in awe of what Merk had just done, and the goblin in question just had this look of unreserved joy on his face. Stormcloud is naturally enraged by this and attacks again, fully intending on flattening Merk into the ground.

Another natural 1.

Merk sidesteps the blow and, upon weighing his options, hightails it out of there to the adulating cheers of his fellows. Little Merk survived the battle, and is now a legend among goblinkind.

Thus began the epic saga of Mighty Merk the Mighty, Who Also Happens to Be Mighty, the goblin hero who singlehandedly slew Stormcloud the barbarian god, whose club would have split the world in half had Merk the Mighty not been there to pull the planet back together before felling the fiend.

As of this writing, mentioning Merk the Mighty in the presence of Stormcloud is considered to be a sign that you hate the thought of having a long lifespan. This amuses Torgar, our human fighter, who uses every tasteful opportunity imaginable to remind Stormcloud of the barbarian's greatest embarrassment. Everyone is wondering how long it'll be before the inevitable occurs, but the general consensus is that it'll be hella funny to watch.

Edit: Another one from the same battle.

My paladin was facing off against a horde of dretch demons and was doing relatively well. Then one of them grappled me and they chose that point to dogpile me. It was at that point that Brianna, one of our clerics, decided to try turning the demons. The good news is that it worked. The bad news is that every single dretch exploded, covering my paladin from head to toe in demonic ichor. He just stood there, unmoving, for about a minute trying to comprehend just how unclean he was. It took a solid seven hours, three washbasins and five stiff-bristled scrubbing brushes to get it all off his armor and I still couldn't completely get rid of the smell.

JohnnyCancer
2012-10-25, 02:41 AM
From the ongoing Shackled City campaign I've shared other stories from on this thread:

After using the Soul Pillars to basically fill in most of the gaps in our knowledge regarding the plot, we finally had a roster of the evil masterminds behind all the villainy. Naturally, we'd previously met some of them without having knowledge of their evil natures at the time; including a lord we had befriended (and who had taken over as Mayor of Cauldron) and his secretary, another aristocrat. My Necromancer uses a scrying pool in the same dungeon to spy on the secretary, who happens to be hosting a party in her mansion, where she's recruiting the region's unaffiliated villains (and their entourages) to the cause. The secretary is giving a speech, explaining the evil plot in broads strokes and telling the crowd that they'll have an "in" if only they take care of some "annoying gnats", namely us.

Because the scrying pool had multiple uses, I was able to scry on one of the servants, which gave me a virtual tour of the nearby rooms. The party spends a full minute buffing before teleporting into an adjoining room. Between the surprise round and round one, we threw two fireballs from a necklace of fireballs into the midst of the meeting, hit nearly every villain with waves of exhaustion, nailed a mook with eyebite, rendered a dread wraith powerless, dropped an obvious caster into unconsciousness, and outright killed the secretary (doing enough damage to blow through her Shield Guardian's shield other effect and destroy it as well). After this display, our Barbarian/Rogue says "What do you think guys, is that enough to advance from gnats to mosquitoes?"

Doorhandle
2012-10-27, 10:11 PM
From the ongoing Shackled City campaign I've shared other stories from on this thread:

After using the Soul Pillars to basically fill in most of the gaps in our knowledge regarding the plot, we finally had a roster of the evil masterminds behind all the villainy. Naturally, we'd previously met some of them without having knowledge of their evil natures at the time; including a lord we had befriended (and who had taken over as Mayor of Cauldron) and his secretary, another aristocrat. My Necromancer uses a scrying pool in the same dungeon to spy on the secretary, who happens to be hosting a party in her mansion, where she's recruiting the region's unaffiliated villains (and their entourages) to the cause. The secretary is giving a speech, explaining the evil plot in broads strokes and telling the crowd that they'll have an "in" if only they take care of some "annoying gnats", namely us.

Because the scrying pool had multiple uses, I was able to scry on one of the servants, which gave me a virtual tour of the nearby rooms. The party spends a full minute buffing before teleporting into an adjoining room. Between the surprise round and round one, we threw two fireballs from a necklace of fireballs into the midst of the meeting, hit nearly every villain with waves of exhaustion, nailed a mook with eyebite, rendered a dread wraith powerless, dropped an obvious caster into unconsciousness, and outright killed the secretary (doing enough damage to blow through her Shield Guardian's shield other effect and destroy it as well). After this display, our Barbarian/Rogue says "What do you think guys, is that enough to advance from gnats to mosquitoes?"

I dunno, I think that may be spider-bite level, possibly botfly level if doing so was really, really painful. :smallcool:

Curtis6566
2012-10-28, 11:43 AM
Well this is an older story that I forgot to share up until now. Basically, we had just escaped the dungeon of a keep we tried to assault (the lord of the keep was evil). We needed to get through a dining room full of eating guards to get to the staircase that leads to the lord's chambers. We ask a delightful servant named Jimmy if he can provide a distraction for us. He agrees, and starts taking off his clothes. We have 2 women in our group, and one says "Jimmy! I'm a lady!". Jimmy then says "I know" and the DM winks at that player (pretending to be Jimmy). Now what made it especially funny was the look of horror on the player's face, as the player was the DM's niece :smallbiggrin:. Jimmy then runs around the dining room and we fight the guards, with Jimmy's only defence being a dining tray he picks up. :smallbiggrin:

ReaderAt2046
2012-10-28, 11:54 AM
After the TN gnome fighter in our party hitched up with a gnome waitress, got drunk, and jumped out a third-story window because he wanted to go downstairs (nearly killing both himself and the inn's owner in the process when he landed on him), the CG human wilder/cleric and my LG elf cleric/ex-bard decided to go "flumph hunting" so that no one would get injured in the future if the fighter jumped out a window again. After some exploring through the town, we finally found a place that my ex-bard had decided would be a "dramatically appropriate place" for flumphs to visit.

DM: You turn the bend in the narrow road and come across two flumph ghosts floating near the base of the bell tower.
Wilder/Cleric: *proceeds to fail his saves against both ghosts' appearance*
Me: Ghost flumphs?! TURN UNDEAD! *rolls an 8 on his turning check* Rats.
DM: Okay... *rolls a 5 and 6 for the flumphs' turn resistance* The ghosts, cowered by your display of positive energy, immediately turn and flee the scene.
Me: Really? :smallsmile:
DM: *rolls* Moments later, a human ghost falls from the sky and splats on the ground below in the exact spot where the flumphs were floating before you Turned them.
Wilder/Cleric: Those flumphs were there for a reason?

At this point, we all burst into uncontrollable laughter which forced a pause to the game for the next few minutes (after which we decided to make our characters start laughing as well). :smallbiggrin:

Was this ghost by any chance black and bald?

Black Mage
2012-10-28, 12:00 PM
I'm putting this one in spoilers just in case.
This one comes from the Way of the Wicked adventure path published by Fire Mountain Games for the Pathfinder RPG. I don't think it'll really spoil anything, but I just want to be safe.

This isn't so much funny as it is terrifying. My players love playing evil, it seems.

The players, a rogue, a bard, and an antipaladin, and an ogre minion, were tasked with taking out the defenses of a border keep to pave the way for an invasion force. Stealth is the best way to do this, but they slipped up, and put the entire keep on alert. Rather than trying to lie low for a little while and come up with a plan, they decided to return the next night disguised as guards. They went into the barracks where most of the soldiers were sleeping. With the combination of a river right next to the keep, and 70+ snoring men, it was pretty loud. So they started to, as they put it, ringwraith them alll (Think of the scene from Fellowship of the Ring at the Prancing Pony Inn). After working their way through the bulk of the troops, they moved on to the sleeping commanders. They ended up silently killing over 100 people that night, slaughtering every defender of that keep. But then...then the rogue took all of the bodies and crafted a tree of corpses (He actually took ranks in Craft: Bodies). The heads were used as fruit hanging from the branches of arms.
After this, they left the ogre at the keep, with the instructions to light the signal flare in two hours. The three players then went to the small town outside the keep and called an emergency meeting to explain to the peasants what was about to happen. The bard then collected the commoners who had the highest charisma for her own personal harem (it was that, or brutal rape and murder at the hands of the invading army).
By the time the army arrived, the bard was sitting in the inn with her newly aquired slaves, the antipaladin was waiting for the general, and the rogue was walking around eating a roasted baby on a stick. :smalleek:

JohnnyCancer
2012-10-28, 01:30 PM
I'm putting this one in spoilers just in case.
This one comes from the Way of the Wicked adventure path published by Fire Mountain Games for the Pathfinder RPG. I don't think it'll really spoil anything, but I just want to be safe.

This isn't so much funny as it is terrifying. My players love playing evil, it seems.

The players, a rogue, a bard, and an antipaladin, and an ogre minion, were tasked with taking out the defenses of a border keep to pave the way for an invasion force. Stealth is the best way to do this, but they slipped up, and put the entire keep on alert. Rather than trying to lie low for a little while and come up with a plan, they decided to return the next night disguised as guards. They went into the barracks where most of the soldiers were sleeping. With the combination of a river right next to the keep, and 70+ snoring men, it was pretty loud. So they started to, as they put it, ringwraith them alll (Think of the scene from Fellowship of the Ring at the Prancing Pony Inn). After working their way through the bulk of the troops, they moved on to the sleeping commanders. They ended up silently killing over 100 people that night, slaughtering every defender of that keep. But then...then the rogue took all of the bodies and crafted a tree of corpses (He actually took ranks in Craft: Bodies). The heads were used as fruit hanging from the branches of arms.
After this, they left the ogre at the keep, with the instructions to light the signal flare in two hours. The three players then went to the small town outside the keep and called an emergency meeting to explain to the peasants what was about to happen. The bard then collected the commoners who had the highest charisma for her own personal harem (it was that, or brutal rape and murder at the hands of the invading army).
By the time the army arrived, the bard was sitting in the inn with her newly aquired slaves, the antipaladin was waiting for the general, and the rogue was walking around eating a roasted baby on a stick. :smalleek:

That is pretty macabre.

MarsRendac
2012-10-28, 02:31 PM
A few campaigns ago, I was rereading about incantations on the SRD, and I wanted to make one that allowed a mortal to bind himself or an item to a free-floating spirit or a creature without a dual nature (i.e. an outsider), all the better to make nasty NPCs with SLAs and boosted scores. The most prominent party member was a half-erinyes archivist with lots of Knowledge checks (he gestalted outsider HD with archivist levels), so he found out about the ritual and OF COURSE he just had to enchant his weapon with a pit fiend.

Now this guy, Joe, is already big on cheese, so he had this idea about hunting genies for wishes. It happened that his favorite magic arms dealer, for whom Joe had recently acquired a very rare item, captured a genie as payment, and allowed Joe to use the three wishes. Note that he was level 6 at the time, and playing with only one other character. This is how it went:

Joe: Thanks, Mednevar. GENIE! CALL A PIT FIEND!
Genie: *grumble grumble* *wish*
Me: The entire building begins to shake violently. Mednevar's potions are falling off the shelves and shattering. Suddenly, massive pillars of charred bone burst from each corner of the room, immensely damaging the structure. A storm of hellfire begins to stir between the pillars, and through the flames steps the biggest ******* pit fiend you could imagine.
Pit Fiend: ...
Me: The pit fiend appears unimpressed. He turns to face the genie.
Joe: GENIE! RENDER THE PIT FIEND UNCONSCIOUS! *this was a requirement for the incantation*
Genie: Allakazam!
Me: *rolls d20* The genie fails miserably against the fiend's spell resistance.
Joe: ...*many swears directed at me*
Me: The fiend casts a quickened fireball spell. The genie dies so quickly you don't even hear him scream... the pit fiend uses the rest of his turn to walk back through the portal of hellfire. *switch to DM devil voice*
Pit Fiend: If you ever summon me again... I'll pick my teeth with your bones. *vanishes*
*pause*
Mednevar: ...you destroyed my store.

Fight breaks out. Mednevar dies and his stock is ruined. Joe loses one of his only allies and suppliers.

Dread Angel
2012-10-29, 08:15 PM
From last night.

The party just finished battling a demon swarm - yes, demon swarm with traits of both - that resided in the undead corpse of a giant mammoth, as in extra large pachyderm. The battle was rough on them, as a noteworthy boss should be, and left them depleted of much of their daily resources. On their way to confront the demon, an Incubus teleported nearby, warned them that he would be coming after them if they didn't turn back, and buggered off again.

Being PCs, they went MEH and kept going, promptly forgetting about him in the ensuing battle.

They get back to the town, prove they slew the demon, are hailed as heroes. The Oracle, played by my girlfriend, decides to call it a day and heads up to his room in the inn. The others, including the mercenary captain they hired because they needed his chain shirt (a relic) and he was unwilling to part with it and they didn't want to kill him for it......they head for the blacksmith, just up the street.

There is a cleric, a thug-rogue, a half-dragon-rogue-scout-bastard, and the merc who is a straight up sword and shield fighter.

The incubus appears and the battle ensues, and it is rather awesome. The incubus defends itself brilliantly with its sword, and manages to severely injure the rogue who was the only one doing noteworthy damage to it. It spends a couple turns attempting to Suggest the rogue run away, failing both attempts.

Meanwhile, the half-dragon botched his check and ended up flying way too far past the demon. Once he got back in range, he proceeded to miss every single attack, and defend successfully against every attack of opportunity he drew. And then the incubus landed a solid blow on him. Next turn, he casts Suggestion at the half dragon, who promply fumbles.

The suggestion is that he turn and flee as far away from the incubus as he can.

With his flight speed, Con score, and everything ready to go for the calculations, all that remained was for me to look up the spell duration, as I didnt know if offhand.

At CL 8, that is 8 hours of straight fleeing at top speed.

At this point, we stopped talking. The player of the half-dragon breaks out his phone and starts running some calculations, and I do the same. We reach the same conclusion, I break out the campaign map, and ...well.

Had the rogue not gotten a lucky crit and finished the demon before it killed him (the other two were bloody useless at this point), Warrn the halfdragon would have ended up somewhere near the capital.......of the neighbouring country...

At which point the physical repercussions of that much exertion would have broken the compulsion anyway, but...still.

Thankfully the rogue did get him a few rounds later so he was only a few hundred feet outside the city...

We laughed so hard my girlfriend woke up, and promptly buggered off to the bedroom. We called it a night there but that whole session was hilarious....when the mammoth corpse was slain, it of course fell squarely on the cleric...

The rogue, while not evil enough to actually brain the merc himself, spent much of the time making comments like "Did it get ya? No? ......Balls." and "Finish him off!" "I'm trying!" "I meant the ogre!"

Razanir
2012-10-29, 09:40 PM
Three stories from a short-lived campaign.

Jedi Mind Trick
So the PCs wound up imprisoned for breaking a law they didn't know about in a city they didn't know about. At their trial, the soulknife (which I frequently compare to a Jedi), goes "We are not the prisoners you're looking for" Guess who succeeded on his bluff check?

Hole in the Wall
So they wound up getting a house in the same city. For whatever reason, one of them decided to tear a hole in the wall. So to cover it up, the CN rogue stole a painting from some rich guy's house.

Later on, they find an abandoned cabin in the woods and occupy it as a base. Five minutes later, "We're gonna need another painting."

The Door
So they're on the way out of a dungeon, and come to a closed door, with a trap of inflict light wounds.
Dwarf (Dwarf barbarian): I open the door.
Me (DM): Roll a will save... Okay, you take 2 damage.
Dwarf: I try again
Me: Roll another will save... Okay, you take 3 damage this time.
The wizard: I shove him through the door
Me: Okay... Somehow this manages to break down the door, but [Dwarf], you need to roll another will save... Ooh, you failed that time. AND I rolled max damage.
After that, Dwarf had an irrational fear of doors

JohnnyCancer
2012-10-29, 10:07 PM
Continuing on with Shackled City, we finished plundering the mansion of our foe and tabled the arguments over whether to keep or sell the luxurious furnishings both mundane and magical for another day. We retreated to our secret layer to recuperate and decided to try scrying on the Mayor of the city who we learned was actually a beholder, and the master of the woman we effectively assassinated in the middle of her recruitment drive for the villains.

We didn't think it would work, surely he'd heard of our assault and would have taken some simple steps to shield himself from remote viewing. Nope, apparently he was deep in the middle of a ritual binding a demodand into his central eye and was thoroughly ignorant, AND he failed his save thanks to all those social calls of his giving us familiarity with him. We try to research Beholders to thoroughly prepare ourselves, but mostly come up empty thanks to sub-par rolling: coming away only knowing that they're abberations with an antimagic central eye and a fear ray; so we're stressing about what other horrible powers it could have and what strategy we can use on it.

We decide to go two-for-two and do another of our signature "teleport to the boss and work our way out of the dungeon" assaults and nail him rather anticlimactically in the first round, without even getting the whole party to go. Frustrated and with an eye towards the duration on our thoroughly blown wad of buffs and enhancements, we decide to rush out and fight our way to the top and loot our way back down. Cue everyone's mothers and girlfriends calling and texting, calling us crazy for playing during a hurricane so we end our session early! ARGH!

We only have one more session before a three month hiatus, so it's especially poignant. There's going to be a stop in these anecdotes for awhile, but I figure since it's worth reporting on every week I'll give a roster of the party:

The Warriors of Mass Destruction
*Calliope Montuak: TN Human Wizard (Necromancer) 14
*Field Hand Oswald: TN Human Cleric 14 (Luck and Sun)
*Rook: CN Human Alchemist 2/Barbarian 11 - his wererat strain of lycanthropy keeps him a level below the rest.
*Stan Lethal: CG Human Barbarian 12/Rogue 2
*Vin Lethal: LN Human Magus (Kensai) 7/Monk 6 - the Sign of the Smoking Eye keeps him a level lower than the rest.
*Xan: (don't know his alignment) Elf Oracle 6/Sorcerer 6/Mystic Theurge 2

Other than my wizard's familiar, we're not allowed to have any cohorts, minions, henchmen, summoned creatures, animated undead, constructs, etc. We keep an in-character journal written by "Avicci the Bard" but his actual existence in the game is very nebulous.

Razanir
2012-10-30, 11:01 AM
I decide to play a Halfling Bard named Elroy Grasso'blue.
A hillbilly Halfling Bard.
Armed with a banjolele, the Leadership feat (my character's cousin was a Fighter named Bubba), and a crapton of social-fu, we set off on our adventure.

If I borrow this, can I give him divine rank 0?

Erik Vale
2012-10-30, 05:16 PM
The incubus appears and the battle ensues, and it is rather awesome. The incubus defends itself brilliantly with its sword, and manages to severely injure the rogue who was the only one doing noteworthy damage to it. It spends a couple turns attempting to Suggest the rogue run away, failing both attempts.

Meanwhile, the half-dragon botched his check and ended up flying way too far past the demon. Once he got back in range, he proceeded to miss every single attack, and defend successfully against every attack of opportunity he drew. And then the incubus landed a solid blow on him. Next turn, he casts Suggestion at the half dragon, who promply fumbles.

The suggestion is that he turn and flee as far away from the incubus as he can.

With his flight speed, Con score, and everything ready to go for the calculations, all that remained was for me to look up the spell duration, as I didnt know if offhand.

At CL 8, that is 8 hours of straight fleeing at top speed.

At this point, we stopped talking. The player of the half-dragon breaks out his phone and starts running some calculations, and I do the same. We reach the same conclusion, I break out the campaign map, and ...well.

the halfdragon would have ended up somewhere near the capital.......of the neighbouring country...



That is made of funny in so many ways.

Extra_Crispy
2012-10-31, 08:18 AM
Pathfinder game I am still playing. Though with a different character. Cant remember names.

Me: NE Female (i never play female but had a good story for this one) Elf that looks completely human (to the point that she cut her ears) Rogue, Fighter specializing in combat manouvers to disarm, trip and feint.
Friend 1: Elf ranger made specifically to kill friend 2, with favored enemy to dragons and humans.
Friend 2: Dragon blood sorceror. With dragon traits including the ablity to pull out claws and with red skin. Player is a good guy but most of the time a complete pain. He always makes broken characters and has many other flaws which would turn into a rant if I continue.
Friend 3: Gnome oracle and our healer. Friend 2's gf and basically wife as they have been living together for 10+ years. First time playing a RPG and basically a wallflower to friend 2 who tells her what, and when to do stuff.
Friend 4: Started with Human Monk. Then went to halfling alchamist with a perchant for blowing stuff up and starting a drug bussiness. Very much so dislikes friend 2.
Friend 5: Female human barbarian raised by orcs, friendly orcs. Very good role player and rules lawyer with out being overbearing.
Friend 6: Human fighter played by a good guy but does little role playing and only perks up when there is combat.

So as I just started the game I came wondering into the city started by the group and run by friend 2. Wondered into the adventurers guild started by friend 6 looking for a job. Get intoduced to the king and in 45 min of just talking am now the leader of the city guard. Was defently a case of "i know extra crispy he always makes good characters so his character must be good" never mind I am Neutral Evil and working on being an assassin.

Going into some old elven ruins I am scouting. Friend 4, the monk decides to follow me and we have already gotten off on a really bad foot. Our characters really dont like each other (long not funny story) I sneak up to a room full of goblins with the monk right behind me. I decide I am going to grab him and throw him infront of me as a joke, after all 10 goblins should be no problem for the monk and I. He takes real offence to this and turns and attacks me, ignoring the goblins that start attacking him in the back. Needless to say I procede to pound him with a flail and kill him just as the rest of the party comes around the courner to finish off the goblins. The oracle heads over to the monk thinking to try to heal him and save his life. I stop her, pick up his body and throw it into a goblin fire watching him burn to ash and saying "that is what people get when they attack me" much to the bewilderment of everyone else.

A few game sessions later after the ranger and I have been in mental contact with the real ruller of the elven ruins, a elven supremisist lich. We both came to agreements with it to basically be in his service for power and riches. The ranger agreed for less he just wanted to kill friend 2, the sorceror.
Anyway we go to face the lich to get the "kidnapped" ranger back but know we cant really fight and beat the lich. But of course it goes to a fight. The lich procedes to have his minions fight and mostly just laugh at us while countering the sorcerors spells. The sorceror gets mad and decides to switch to claws and attack the lich in hand to hand. Standing right beside me. The ranger heads to the back of the room and starts shooting the lich, we are both still playing like we are not on the liches side, then we both get the mental "now". The ranger shoots the sorceror in the back 3 times and almost kills him.
Meanwhile I was outside on a smoke break, and as I come back in I walk past friend 4 now playing a halfling alchemist and he looks at me as says "you keep fighting the lich, ill take care of the ranger".
I just smile and say "ok" my turn next and and I roll to hit, rolling a natural 20 I then apply my backstab damage on a 2 handed flail directly to the flat footed unexpecting sorceror. Shower of blood later, everyone at the table is wide jawed espically the alchemist. I just smiled, after all I was evil.

Afool
2012-10-31, 04:59 PM
That story sounds incredibly familiar.:smallconfused:

JohnnyCancer
2012-10-31, 06:38 PM
We've been referring to our group as the WMDs for so long that I had forgotten what it stood for. I thought it was Warriors of Mass Destruction but I've since been informed that it's actually Warriors and Mages of Distinction.

Ishikar
2012-11-01, 03:35 PM
I've been reading the original thread and it reminded me of a few stories of my own that emerged from the last long campaign that we ran (a modified Temple of Elemental Evil to provide some context).

The party was as follows:
Human Rogue/Egoist, to be replaced by a Human Rogue/Swashbuckler (Me)
Human Cleric of Pelor
Human Warblade
Elven Ranger

The first story happens early in the campaign where we are ambushed on the road by bandits in a wagon. The driver and visible passenger as well as 3 bandits in the back all leap up and ready crossbows in the surprise round and demand surrender. Psion wins intiative and the exchange is a little like this:

Me: When the driver readied his weapon did he drop the reigns?
DM: Yes.
Me: I use (psionic mage hand, forget actual name) to crack the reigns.
DM: ... What?
Me: I crack the reigns, they're unattended and under 5 lbs.
DM: (rolls reflex saves, all fail, 1 fumbles) The horses start abrubtly and the bandits fall over, one falls out and lands on his head dying on impact.
Party: Laughs uproarously.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The frogzilla fight was ridiculously convoluted in that campaign, our cleric was swallowed whole 3 times and our warblade nearly drowned after a bad fumble sent him into the swamp in heavy armor, compounded by striking his head on the way down due to the fumbled reflex save to stay standing. Still no casualties and it was our DM's first time having a party live through that fight.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
My psion/rogue died to a monstrous crayfish who managed to sneak attack him while the party was fighting ghouls the cleric failed to turn, not humorous in itself but the DM brought a fridge magnet back from his vacation the week after that session that read "Beware attack lobster", it's still on my fridge. That monster also almost killed my 2nd character after it was revived as a zombie.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
After clearing the first dungeon and on our way to the next town to learn more about the troubles we were caught in an ambush by several were-rats led by the cleric who we missed that led the first group, Laranth the Beautiful or something as such. The party is trapped in a globe of magical darkness the cleric can't dismiss, were-rats are using blind-fight + scent to outperform our party so my rogue flees. When he leaves the darkness he pauses to get his bearings and the DM has me roll listen. I am then told I hear the cleric leaving the darkness, I quickly hide and wait for him to emerge at which point I pounce for a surprise strike which I call to his unarmoured head. I hit and deal middling damage and the DM describes it as I gash him badly across the cheek and he is furious. I'm a 3rd level rogue vs. at least a 5th level cleric in a 1v1 encouter and he has all but 1 of his spells. Weighing my options I declare that I dive back into the darkness to escape. The DM kinda looks at me amused and my party just waits for the reaction, only to cheer when the cleric dismisses his darkness and begins to chase me to get revenge. That was the turning point of the encounter that made a very successful ambush into the beating of a lifetime from the warblade's silvered greatsword.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next great story goes to the warblade who at this point was polymorphed into a minotaur to infiltrate the temple proper. We're moving towards the fire cultists and after killing a troll with a very nasty coup de grace happen across a hydra. We're winning somewhat handily but we don't have enough fire/acid to keep all the regrowing heads down. The warblade then gets the idea that he wants to bull rush and grapple the hydra. Dice are rolled and the warblade winds up exceeding the hydra by 15 on the final checks. The hydra was already scared and the grapple finally broke it to the point where we were able to keep it as a pet of sorts, it made resting SOOO much easier seeing as we'd have it curled up right outside the door to our rooms.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cleric had a few too many examples with creative uses of stone shape as granted by an intelligent suit of armor that we created by channeling part of the elemental node's energy into it. Highlights include trapping the 2nd black dragon (the armor was made of the first), trapping a fire giant in a large hole, making a safe zone for us in the earth node by closing corridors and generally making combat a hassle by trapping/breaking up groups of foes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next one goes to myself in what was a truly inspired use of available targets vs a red dragon. I was scouting ahead stealthily and the party was trying to follow about 40 feet behind. The cleric rolled a 1 and cursed as she was in full plate, the DM ruled that she had tripped over a brazier and bumped a torch sconce making a horrible racket. Cue a red dragon poking it's head out about 5 feet from me to see what the noise was. I win initiative (everyone was surprised) and know that I need to do something fast to disable the dragon before it breathes on the party and generally makes a mess of everything so I inspiredly make a called shot to the eyes, one with each weapon (overpowered cleaver weapons: 1d8 damage, 18-20/x3 crit and light weapons, any TWF sneak attacker's dream weapon). Dice come up 20, 19, 19. Crits are confirmed so the dragon takes 3d8+27 x3 PLUS an additional 9d6 sneak attack damage. I think it came up 113 points of damage and the DM shook his head after failing a fort save ruling the dragon was blinded and recoiled back to his lair screaming in pain. The battle was not too hard after that one. I also blinded a white dragon after making a flying leap from a ledge to catch it by surprise while it was chasing the party cleric. The DM suggessted that I stop blinding his dragons as there could be consequences.

Man I forgot how crazy that campaign got. It was also the campaign that made the DM declare that his next campaign would be all core books and aquatic after the warblade and Rogue/Swashbucker/Nightsong Enforcer just blew everything away. The Cleric then proudly declared that she wanted to play a druid in that group :smallbiggrin:

rezplz
2012-11-01, 04:45 PM
In my current group's first pathfinder campaign, I believe this was the story that cemented my character's status as the groups memetic badass. Even today the group makes jokes about Jason Swift, the fighter/barbarian/cavalier who did nothing but charge balls first and come out on top. Spoilered for length.

In this story, the group was on a pirate ship magically locked into high speed on a deadly collision course with a cliff face. Due to the heavy fog and him being at the front of the ship after taking out the last of the werewolf pirates on board, Jason did not see the rest of the party jump onto one of the characters' summoned sharks and into the water. And unfortunately, the current was strong below him, as it was also in the middle of a storm, he was wearing breastplate with a heavy shield, and had no ranks in swim. If he fell in the water, as far as he knew it would be death.

After a moment of thinking, knowing that he would be impacting at full speed against the cliffside, both I and Jason Swift grinned and shrugged. I then said, "I charge the cliff." Cue a blank stare from the DM, "That's impossible to survive, physics, blah blah blah". I point out max falling damage is 20d6, and that represents terminal velocity. So he survived crashing into the cliff, being left at 15 or so HP from max.

The DM then pointed out that there was still water below, so I did a climb check to hold onto the cliff, using the self-made crater as a handhold. Even with the momentum, I rolled a nat 20, clinging onto the cliff face with one hand for dear life. The fog is starting to clear now, and what the rest of the party saw and heard was essentially an explosion that left a cloud of smoke and debris, and when it cleared there was only Jason Swift, clinging onto the cliff side. Still being faced with the threat of the water below, he started to climb. Because of how he impacted though, he basically had to climb at a worse-than-vertical angle - cue a constant stream of high rolls, and Jason Swift sat down on the top of the cliff, and camped for a day while he waited for the rest of the party to catch up.

JackOfAllBuilds
2012-11-01, 04:54 PM
In my current group's first pathfinder campaign, I believe this was the story that cemented my character's status as the groups memetic badass. Even today the group makes jokes about Jason Swift, the fighter/barbarian/cavalier who did nothing but charge balls first and come out on top. Spoilered for length.

In this story, the group was on a pirate ship magically locked into high speed on a deadly collision course with a cliff face. Due to the heavy fog and him being at the front of the ship after taking out the last of the werewolf pirates on board, Jason did not see the rest of the party jump onto one of the characters' summoned sharks and into the water. And unfortunately, the current was strong below him, as it was also in the middle of a storm, he was wearing breastplate with a heavy shield, and had no ranks in swim. If he fell in the water, as far as he knew it would be death.

After a moment of thinking, knowing that he would be impacting at full speed against the cliffside, both I and Jason Swift grinned and shrugged. I then said, "I charge the cliff." Cue a blank stare from the DM, "That's impossible to survive, physics, blah blah blah". I point out max falling damage is 20d6, and that represents terminal velocity. So he survived crashing into the cliff, being left at 15 or so HP from max.

The DM then pointed out that there was still water below, so I did a climb check to hold onto the cliff, using the self-made crater as a handhold. Even with the momentum, I rolled a nat 20, clinging onto the cliff face with one hand for dear life. The fog is starting to clear now, and what the rest of the party saw and heard was essentially an explosion that left a cloud of smoke and debris, and when it cleared there was only Jason Swift, clinging onto the cliff side. Still being faced with the threat of the water below, he started to climb. Because of how he impacted though, he basically had to climb at a worse-than-vertical angle - cue a constant stream of high rolls, and Jason Swift sat down on the top of the cliff, and camped for a day while he waited for the rest of the party to catch up.

Jason Swift does not crash on the cliffs, the cliffs crash on Jason Swift.

Erik Vale
2012-11-01, 04:55 PM
^Snip

I take it you made a really big sacrifice to the dice gods that year.

rezplz
2012-11-01, 05:43 PM
I take it you made a really big sacrifice to the dice gods that year.

Haha pretty much. Luck favored me pretty well with that character. Normally when I'm a PC I'm consistently rolling ones. That wasn't even the only insane thing he pulled, though. He was a tank/crit build with heavy on the cavalier side, going with a heavy spiked bashing shield and a kukri. Even when he was 2 levels behind (a death and a couple missed sessions) he carried the rest of the party in combat (and often in social situations, he was an arrogant braggart of a character and had the CHA to pull it off)

JackOfAllBuilds: Hahaha yes, I like it. I'll have to use that meme when the subject of Jason Swift next comes up.

Eh, I'll post a few of his other stories that I can remember. None of them are quiiite as awesome as the cliff, but they still show what he was about.

Caves of Darkness: These caves were actually pretty well lit... for everyone else. Very soon after entering these caves, Jason got hit by a blindless spell, and our group had no cleric to fix that with. This only served to piss Jason off, and yelled at the group's other fighter where the bastard was. Upon getting the cleric's general location, Jason charged until he bumped into the guy and proceeded to eviscerate him while blind and having no feats for it.

Unfortunately, town was a week away. And Jason Swift doesn't retreat when there are people watching. So, while the rest of the party was getting ready to head back to town, Jason swift proceeded to call them all ******* - while facing the wrong direction - and got them to continue through the dungeon. The whole time, he had the other fighter shout directions at him, and he survived the whole dungeon while still doing a fair amount of the tanking/killing.

The (temporary) death of Jason Swift
It was actually a pretty un-badass way to die. I forget what dungeon we were all in, but the mini-boss was a big bruiser type - some kind of ogre, I think - who was rocking a greataxe. Round one, Jason Swift shouts some obscenities, tanting the ogre, and the ogre responded appropriately - with a critical max damage on a charge. Jason Swift was still up though, if barely - and continued to tank for another couple rounds before being killed. The party loved their ******* womanizer of a tank so much though that they got him raised right away.

The next item Jason bought was the determination enchantment on his armor - which 1/day had a contingent breath of life to be cast on the wearer. After getting the armor, he got a LOT of use out of it - he died once almost every adventuring day, and every time kept getting back up for more.

Ice Wyrm on the cliffside

While climbing a snowy cliff, the party got attacked by an ice wyrm of some kind that shot out from the rock. Everyone was having a hard time hitting it, the casters couldn't get past its spell resistance, and Jason's buddy was pretty hurt. After a round that seemed to last forever, my turn finally came around. After a moment's pause - and the DM seemed to know I was about to do something reckless, I said "I rage, challenge, and jump inside the wyrm."

The wyrm only lasted for one round after that.

The fighter ruse... was a DISTACTION
We were in the city of the BBEG, about to bust into his stronghold. Feeling pretty cocky, we bust right in there, but soon find things are going to **** once the majority of the stronghold was trying to kill us. I guess they didn't like us busting in or something. Anyway, things are going to **** and the rest of the party starts to run, but Jason Swift has a better idea. He runs a different way, taunting everything he can see to try to get it to chase after him. The party sees what hes doing, and move further into the stronghold to hide and reposition. For some reason the assassin went with Jason, so they started tag-teaming for a bit. They locked themselves in a supply room, and just before the enemies busted the door open, they both used their capes of the mountebank to get the hell out of dodge, giving the rest of the group time to heal and set themselves up.

The Chair (A.K.A. "I SIT IN IT!")
I had been particularly caffienated this day, and was feeling hyper. Which meant that Jason was even more reckless. We were going through a dungeon and come up to this room, and the first thing the DM starts describing is that there is a throne in the center of the room. As he's about to say more, I blurt out

"I SIT IN IT."
DM: Uh. I haven't described
Me: I don't care. It's a nice throne. Now it's Jason's throne.
DM: There's a skeleton on it.
Me: I shove it off.
DM:.... Sigh. You discover that its an illusion, but he keeps on with his automated message anyway. *Something about doom of some sort*

If we were smart, we would have used the fact that it was an illusion to mean that something else was going to attack us. Maybe something hidden, or invisible. But I was caffienated, and as such, not quite intelligent. So Jason sat on the throne, shooting the **** with an illusionary skeleton while its telling us how we're all going to die. And then the invisible, tentacled monstrosity came and started to grapple jason.

Since its invisible, all the party can see is Jason floating in mid air and thrashing about. Confused, they all just stand there, leaving Jason to solo it for a bit. He busts out of the grapple just as the magus stepped in to finally help him, only for the magus to get grappled. So, since one of his buddies is in danger, Jason jumped right back in, took control of the grapple, and proceeded to make the invisible tentacle monster his bitch while the rest of the party killed it.

The next three feats he took were improved unarmed strike, improved grapple, and greater grapple. Just in case. Which sets us up for...

YEEE-HAWW!
Were in the BBEG's stronghold, and there's his second in command (a lamia cleric of some sort) and a few giant thugs in our way to activating the portal to get to the BBEG and win the campaign. The assassin is preparing to kill a wizard miniboss, while I'm flying (boots of flying ftw) and invisible, waiting to provide backup. The assassination attempt goes badly, which is Jason's cue. Jason swift bursts out of nowhere, tackling the lamia boss armed with nothing but a 50-ft rope and his steel testicles.

Round one: Tackle the lamia into the wall
Round two: Pin the lamia, and then hogtie

Jason still had a couple things of rope left, so he wasn't done. He found the biggest thing in the room, yelled for someone to coup de grace the lamia, and tackled a giant. He took the AoO to the face, shrugged it off, and proceeded to hogtie the giant. The combat didn't last long, and then the portal was open. Still fueled with adrenaline, Jason charged in, leading us to:

The final boss
Jason found himself alone in a huge chamber, with the BBEG. Jason was still at full health. He had not used his 1/day breath of life. He still had rage and 1 challenge left. However, he had already used his 1/day dimension door. Close enough to perfect for him.

The BBEG's readied actions went off, sending a few area of effect spells that would have killed a couple weaker members of our party. Jason passed the most deadly save, and since he had bought a ring of evasion, was pretty much unfazed. Jason charged. Jason grappled.

BBEG had freedom of movement.

However, being a raging brute of a brave dumbass provided the rest of the party to get in through the portal without dying. Right as they bust in, they see jason get trapped in a force cage. Unable to get out, Jason was forced to do nothing for the entire fight as the rest of the party used Jason's momentary distraction to beat the living tar out of the BBEG.

Epilogue
The toughest thing killed, and Jason having needed to sit by and watch, he felt his life unfulfilled. Seeking to prove himself the best of the party, he traveled the world in search of women and badassery, and eventually rose to demigodhood. He is now a minor diety in all of our campaigns, and he and his followers will occasionally make brief cameos.

Cpl.Punishment
2012-11-01, 06:36 PM
Haha pretty much. Luck favored me pretty well with that character. Normally when I'm a PC I'm consistently rolling ones. That wasn't even the only insane thing he pulled, though. He was a tank/crit build with heavy on the cavalier side, going with a heavy spiked bashing shield and a kukri. Even when he was 2 levels behind (a death and a couple missed sessions) he carried the rest of the party in combat (and often in social situations, he was an arrogant braggart of a character and had the CHA to pull it off)

JackOfAllBuilds: Hahaha yes, I like it. I'll have to use that meme when the subject of Jason Swift next comes up.

Eh, I'll post a few of his other stories that I can remember. None of them are quiiite as awesome as the cliff, but they still show what he was about.

Caves of Darkness: These caves were actually pretty well lit... for everyone else. Very soon after entering these caves, Jason got hit by a blindless spell, and our group had no cleric to fix that with. This only served to piss Jason off, and yelled at the group's other fighter where the bastard was. Upon getting the cleric's general location, Jason charged until he bumped into the guy and proceeded to eviscerate him while blind and having no feats for it.

Unfortunately, town was a week away. And Jason Swift doesn't retreat when there are people watching. So, while the rest of the party was getting ready to head back to town, Jason swift proceeded to call them all ******* - while facing the wrong direction - and got them to continue through the dungeon. The whole time, he had the other fighter shout directions at him, and he survived the whole dungeon while still doing a fair amount of the tanking/killing.

The (temporary) death of Jason Swift
It was actually a pretty un-badass way to die. I forget what dungeon we were all in, but the mini-boss was a big bruiser type - some kind of ogre, I think - who was rocking a greataxe. Round one, Jason Swift shouts some obscenities, tanting the ogre, and the ogre responded appropriately - with a critical max damage on a charge. Jason Swift was still up though, if barely - and continued to tank for another couple rounds before being killed. The party loved their ******* womanizer of a tank so much though that they got him raised right away.

The next item Jason bought was the determination enchantment on his armor - which 1/day had a contingent breath of life to be cast on the wearer. After getting the armor, he got a LOT of use out of it - he died once almost every adventuring day, and every time kept getting back up for more.

Ice Wyrm on the cliffside

While climbing a snowy cliff, the party got attacked by an ice wyrm of some kind that shot out from the rock. Everyone was having a hard time hitting it, the casters couldn't get past its spell resistance, and Jason's buddy was pretty hurt. After a round that seemed to last forever, my turn finally came around. After a moment's pause - and the DM seemed to know I was about to do something reckless, I said "I rage, challenge, and jump inside the wyrm."

The wyrm only lasted for one round after that.

The fighter ruse... was a DISTACTION
We were in the city of the BBEG, about to bust into his stronghold. Feeling pretty cocky, we bust right in there, but soon find things are going to **** once the majority of the stronghold was trying to kill us. I guess they didn't like us busting in or something. Anyway, things are going to **** and the rest of the party starts to run, but Jason Swift has a better idea. He runs a different way, taunting everything he can see to try to get it to chase after him. The party sees what hes doing, and move further into the stronghold to hide and reposition. For some reason the assassin went with Jason, so they started tag-teaming for a bit. They locked themselves in a supply room, and just before the enemies busted the door open, they both used their capes of the mountebank to get the hell out of dodge, giving the rest of the group time to heal and set themselves up.

The Chair (A.K.A. "I SIT IN IT!")
I had been particularly caffienated this day, and was feeling hyper. Which meant that Jason was even more reckless. We were going through a dungeon and come up to this room, and the first thing the DM starts describing is that there is a throne in the center of the room. As he's about to say more, I blurt out

"I SIT IN IT."
DM: Uh. I haven't described
Me: I don't care. It's a nice throne. Now it's Jason's throne.
DM: There's a skeleton on it.
Me: I shove it off.
DM:.... Sigh. You discover that its an illusion, but he keeps on with his automated message anyway. *Something about doom of some sort*

If we were smart, we would have used the fact that it was an illusion to mean that something else was going to attack us. Maybe something hidden, or invisible. But I was caffienated, and as such, not quite intelligent. So Jason sat on the throne, shooting the **** with an illusionary skeleton while its telling us how we're all going to die. And then the invisible, tentacled monstrosity came and started to grapple jason.

Since its invisible, all the party can see is Jason floating in mid air and thrashing about. Confused, they all just stand there, leaving Jason to solo it for a bit. He busts out of the grapple just as the magus stepped in to finally help him, only for the magus to get grappled. So, since one of his buddies is in danger, Jason jumped right back in, took control of the grapple, and proceeded to make the invisible tentacle monster his bitch while the rest of the party killed it.

The next three feats he took were improved unarmed strike, improved grapple, and greater grapple. Just in case. Which sets us up for...

YEEE-HAWW!
Were in the BBEG's stronghold, and there's his second in command (a lamia cleric of some sort) and a few giant thugs in our way to activating the portal to get to the BBEG and win the campaign. The assassin is preparing to kill a wizard miniboss, while I'm flying (boots of flying ftw) and invisible, waiting to provide backup. The assassination attempt goes badly, which is Jason's cue. Jason swift bursts out of nowhere, tackling the lamia boss armed with nothing but a 50-ft rope and his steel testicles.

Round one: Tackle the lamia into the wall
Round two: Pin the lamia, and then hogtie

Jason still had a couple things of rope left, so he wasn't done. He found the biggest thing in the room, yelled for someone to coup de grace the lamia, and tackled a giant. He took the AoO to the face, shrugged it off, and proceeded to hogtie the giant. The combat didn't last long, and then the portal was open. Still fueled with adrenaline, Jason charged in, leading us to:

The final boss
Jason found himself alone in a huge chamber, with the BBEG. Jason was still at full health. He had not used his 1/day breath of life. He still had rage and 1 challenge left. However, he had already used his 1/day dimension door. Close enough to perfect for him.

The BBEG's readied actions went off, sending a few area of effect spells that would have killed a couple weaker members of our party. Jason passed the most deadly save, and since he had bought a ring of evasion, was pretty much unfazed. Jason charged. Jason grappled.

BBEG had freedom of movement.

However, being a raging brute of a brave dumbass provided the rest of the party to get in through the portal without dying. Right as they bust in, they see jason get trapped in a force cage. Unable to get out, Jason was forced to do nothing for the entire fight as the rest of the party used Jason's momentary distraction to beat the living tar out of the BBEG.

Epilogue
The toughest thing killed, and Jason having needed to sit by and watch, he felt his life unfulfilled. Seeking to prove himself the best of the party, he traveled the world in search of women and badassery, and eventually rose to demigodhood. He is now a minor diety in all of our campaigns, and he and his followers will occasionally make brief cameos.

Amazing

Reminds me of my once off Dragon-born Barbarian "Red" Hugar Donnigal

The party( rogue, wizard, ranger, cleric and myself) was fighting the first encounter in a once off adventure. The fight consisted of 5 kobolds, a kobold dragon-shield and a kobold cleric.

The wizard called initiative ( somehow) and fired into the cleric, followed by the ranger doing the same. Then came great honor and glory!

My poor DM was treated to a blast of "EIRE!; EIRE!; BORU!, BORU!, BORU!, as "Red" leeroy jenkinsed into the cleric with a charge, bloodying him. He was imediatly surrounded by the rest of the kobolds and brought down to 1 hp.

Start round 2

By this time both the rogue and the cleric have rushed to my "rescue" (they did nothing, as I had moved 12 squares to make my attack) as I protested " guys I got this!" The wizard freaks out and blows up the dragon-shield (Max damage on some spell or other) and the ranger finishes him off. My turn, and I use mace-tails rage to knock everyone down, and temp-regen more than my starting HP (which was somewhere in the 30's), then get the hell out of dodge... and right into the cleric... again. I was the only one to survive that
fight, and only managed to do that because of the following insanity

1. +4 temp HP per strike ( mace-tail's rage, daily)
2. +3 temp HP per strike ( recuperating strike, at will)
3. +3 temp HP per kill ( rage-blood vigor, feature)

That's 7 hp per hit, ten on a kill

4. +1 to attack when bloodied (Dragon-born fury) (I never rose above 1 HP)
5. +4 proficiency bonus (great axe)
6. + 2 move on charge when raging( howling strike)

He really was a survivor. :)

rezplz
2012-11-01, 07:49 PM
Amazing

Reminds me of my once off Dragon-born Barbarian "Red" Hugar Donnigal

The party( rogue, wizard, ranger, cleric and myself) was fighting the first encounter in a once off adventure. The fight consisted of 5 kobolds, a kobold dragon-shield and a kobold cleric.

The wizard called initiative ( somehow) and fired into the cleric, followed by the ranger doing the same. Then came great honor and glory!

My poor DM was treated to a blast of "EIRE!; EIRE!; BORU!, BORU!, BORU!, as "Red" leeroy jenkinsed into the cleric with a charge, bloodying him. He was imediatly surrounded by the rest of the kobolds and brought down to 1 hp.

Start round 2

By this time both the rogue and the cleric have rushed to my "rescue" (they did nothing, as I had moved 12 squares to make my attack) as I protested " guys I got this!" The wizard freaks out and blows up the dragon-shield (Max damage on some spell or other) and the ranger finishes him off. My turn, and I use mace-tails rage to knock everyone down, and temp-regen more than my starting HP (which was somewhere in the 30's), then get the hell out of dodge... and right into the cleric... again. I was the only one to survive that
fight, and only managed to do that because of the following insanity

1. +4 temp HP per strike ( mace-tail's rage, daily)
2. +3 temp HP per strike ( recuperating strike, at will)
3. +3 temp HP per kill ( rage-blood vigor, feature)

That's 7 hp per hit, ten on a kill

4. +1 to attack when bloodied (Dragon-born fury) (I never rose above 1 HP)
5. +4 proficiency bonus (great axe)
6. + 2 move on charge when raging( howling strike)

He really was a survivor. :)
YES. That is the kind of brilliance that Jason Swift was all about. Haha I could envision that perfectly, and it seems pretty badass. 8)

Techmagss
2012-11-02, 03:17 PM
Joey(ralph): DM
Me (Lizardfolk Rogue named Darj): PC
There was also another guy but I forgot his name.

Joey: Kay, you enter the cave, and you see a large, black figure hanging from the ceiling. What d'you do?
Me: I look closer.
Joey: Why not? Make a spot check.
'me rolls 16'
Joey: You look closer.. It looks like it has... Wings?
Anywho, that other guy rolled 20 on his spot check, Joe said;
Joey: It looks like an upside-down head of some sorts (said he)... And it flies straight at you!
'some slightly boring initiative and attack rolls later'
'guy rolls 1, head rolls 18, head attacks for 2 damage'
Joey: Damn. Okay, Darj, your turn.
'le me realises that I had a bear trap'
Me: Errmm... Ermm.. I arm this bear trap.
'roll 15 on trapcheck or whatever'
Joey: Uhh... O--kay??
Guy: DUDE, HELP ME FOR ****'S SAKE I'M AT 1HP (it hit him again, 1hp left for him.)
Me: ... I THROW THE BEAR TRAP AT THE HEADTHINGY
*small hilarity ensues*
Joey: *laughlaugh* Okay, okay... Roll a strength check, I think.
*natural 20 on strength check*
*Trap triggers, blood, brains and batwings fly out*
Not very funny but semi-amusing, I hope?

JackOfAllBuilds
2012-11-02, 03:45 PM
'le me realises that I had a bear trap'

Ha! 9gag? and it was sort of funny, but hard to read with poor english sentance structure :smalltongue:

Lemmy
2012-11-02, 11:01 PM
My party was invading a Necromancer's tower, and he eventually throws some zombies at us.

The party Ranger throws two alchemist fire at them, dealing about 8 damage to them (we were low-level). Another round goes by and they take a little more damag,e but are still alive...

Then the player remembers somethin...
Ranger: Wait! I forgot Undead are my Favored Enemy!
DM: Uh.. Does this affect the damage from alchemist fire?
Ranger: I dunno... It'd be cool though...

Since our DMing filosophy is "If we are not sure how a rule works, rule it in the way it benefits the players the most.", the DM agreed with the extra damage.

Ranger... okay, so that's extra 4 damage to each zombie.
DM: They are destroyed. You burned them WITH HATE!!!
*group laughs*

A little while later, he tries to Bluff a Vampire into believing we were soldiers, but fails the check by 1. Then he remember he gets a +2 bonus on Bluff checks against favored enemies. Surprisingly, it's enough to pass the check against the Vampire's Sense Motive.

DM: You convince him... WITH HATE!
Druid: Hah... And they say love makes the world go round!
*group laughs again*

I suppose it was a lot funnier at the time ^^

Doorhandle
2012-11-03, 05:09 AM
My party was invading a Necromancer's tower, and he eventually throws some zombies at us.

The party Ranger throws two alchemist fire at them, dealing about 8 damage to them (we were low-level). Another round goes by and they take a little more damag,e but are still alive...

Then the player remembers somethin...
Ranger: Wait! I forgot Undead are my Favored Enemy!
DM: Uh.. Does this affect the damage from alchemist fire?
Ranger: I dunno... It'd be cool though...

Since our DMing filosophy is "If we are not sure how a rule works, rule it in the way it benefits the players the most.", the DM agreed with the extra damage.

Ranger... okay, so that's extra 4 damage to each zombie.
DM: They are destroyed. You burned them WITH HATE!!!
*group laughs*

A little while later, he tries to Bluff a Vampire into believing we were soldiers, but fails the check by 1. Then he remember he gets a +2 bonus on Bluff checks against favored enemies. Surprisingly, it's enought to pass the check against the Vampire's Sense Motive.

DM: You convince him... WITH HATE!
Druid: Hah... And they say love makes the world go round!
*group laughs again*

I suppose it was a lot funnier at the time ^^

Still funny to me! From now on, that's how rangers work in my head. :smallbiggrin:

EtherianBlade
2012-11-04, 01:28 AM
I can't resist. I've been gaming since 1980, so I probably have a few hudnred funny stories rolling around in my head.

Several years back, I played with three other gamers a Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil campaign. Fun stuff. Anyway, we had your stereotypical half-orc barbarian, by the name of Boggy. Boggy Bonsesmasher, I believe. The best thing about Boggy was not his 20 strength or massive +2 greataxe, but the player controlling him, Jeremy.

I swear, Jeremy could only have played a barbarian. His philosophy on gaming was "run in, smash, kill, loot, run out." Not much in the way of characterization, but how can you not love the faithful big dog that always has your back?

So, here's the situation. Big cave. Lots of fire. Red dragon. Our cleric/rogue was in the lead, scouting ahead. Cleric/rogue encounters dragon, meets dragon's gaze, has to roll a Will save. Cleric/Rogue then flees, screaming.

Great, the rest of us think. Will saves. Our favorite. The Ranger/Wizard goes in next, fails Will save, runs out screaming. I go in after that, fail my Will save, and run out screaming.

DM: Okay, Boggy, what are you doing?
Boggy: Um . . . can I just avoid the dragon's gaze and attack it?
DM: Sure you can. You'd have an attack penalty, though.
Boggy: Okay, I avoid the dragon's gaze and attack.

The rest of us were dumbfounded. Why didn't we think of that?

Alas, from the simplest of minds come the simplest of solutions . . . .

Lemmy
2012-11-04, 11:35 PM
Still funny to me! From now on, that's how rangers work in my head. :smallbiggrin:

Heh... I always figured it worked thanks to the Ranger's understanding of his Favored Enemy's anatomy ("Elves have glass jaws! That's where I should aim my next strike) and way of thinking ("I know elves like trees and bows and ale, so if I tell them a story about trees and bows, they are more inclined to believe me").
But it doesn't really matter, as a BURNING ZOMBIES WITH HATE i way funnier than burning them with PRECISE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THEIR PHYSIOLOCIAL CHARACTERISTICS.
I like to think it's a mix between knowing their enemy and hating their enemy.


I can't resist. I've been gaming since 1980, so I probably have a few hudnred funny stories rolling around in my head.

Several years back, I played with three other gamers a Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil campaign. Fun stuff. Anyway, we had your stereotypical half-orc barbarian, by the name of Boggy. Boggy Bonsesmasher, I believe. The best thing about Boggy was not his 20 strength or massive +2 greataxe, but the player controlling him, Jeremy.

I swear, Jeremy could only have played a barbarian. His philosophy on gaming was "run in, smash, kill, loot, run out." Not much in the way of characterization, but how can you not love the faithful big dog that always has your back?

So, here's the situation. Big cave. Lots of fire. Red dragon. Our cleric/rogue was in the lead, scouting ahead. Cleric/rogue encounters dragon, meets dragon's gaze, has to roll a Will save. Cleric/Rogue then flees, screaming.

Great, the rest of us think. Will saves. Our favorite. The Ranger/Wizard goes in next, fails Will save, runs out screaming. I go in after that, fail my Will save, and run out screaming.

DM: Okay, Boggy, what are you doing?
Boggy: Um . . . can I just avoid the dragon's gaze and attack it?
DM: Sure you can. You'd have an attack penalty, though.
Boggy: Okay, I avoid the dragon's gaze and attack.

The rest of us were dumbfounded. Why didn't we think of that?

Alas, from the simplest of minds come the simplest of solutions . . . .

Hahaha. This is quite true, and I love how players will often come up with the most complicated solutions for the simplest of challenges.

Gimur
2012-11-06, 04:47 PM
This was years and years ago, so details are a little fuzzy on the party composition..
There were four of us. I remember that I was a Dwarf... Monk, I think. Mainly for the lulz. My in-character cousin was a Dwarf Wizard. The others were Paladin and... Rogue, I think.

Anyway!
We were fighting this absolutely massive Slaad (Enlarged Blue Slaad with HP out the wazoo), and nobody seemed to be doing it any amount of appreciable damage to it. Ridiculous amounts of Fast Healing and Damage Reduction. We were going to die, if we didn't come up with something clever (running wasn't an option at the time, as the only reachable exit led directly to a small ARMY of Red Slaad).

We were poring over our sheets, looking for something that could help, when I saw the special rope we had found a couple of sessions beforehand. We still hadn't had a chance to figure out what it did, and our DM tended to give items unconventional enchantments that didn't really correlate directly to spells. But I had a feeling I knew what it was, and right then was the best time to find out.

So, I had the Wizard cast Invisibility and Fly on me, while the Paladin kept the Slaad distracted, and I took off the wrap up the Slaad's legs. Remember the start of Empire Strikes Back? The AT-ATs? That was the plan!

And, well.. It worked just as well as I had hoped. The Slaad tried to swipe at me a couple of times, but missed, and I wrapped the entirety of the rope around his legs and ankles. The Slaad was then pushed over, and we made our escape through the exit that it had been covering.

Edit: Less wall of text, more readability

Extra_Crispy
2012-11-07, 07:38 AM
That story sounds incredibly familiar.:smallconfused:

You might have heard it before, I could have told that story before I cant remember. Sorry for the repeat then. Hopefully you have not heard this one.

L5R game. One of the players is playing a Wasp clan. The Wasp are known to be the best bowmen in the game. Their whole clan was founded by a man who stepped on his own Katana and broke it then refused to ever touch a sword again and only ever used his bow.

Anyway my friend was the groups scout and was ahead looking for bandits. He had some humming bulb arrows as signal devices. The do minimum damage 0k1 d10 are not supposed to be used for attacking but they whistle loud as you shoot them. So I tell him he sees a bandit a little ways ahead of him and he takes the humming bulb arrow and decides to shoot the bandit with it. Thinking no way he could really hurt the guy. He procedes to call raises for damage and after hitting and rolling repeated 10's on that keep one die (in L5R a 10 is open ended as long as you keep rolling 10's you keep rolling and they add together) the rest of the party hears the short loud whistle followed by a thunk and a scream as the bandit died.

Throughout that campain he killed a few people with humming bulbs and picked up the nick name of "The Humming Bulb Killer"

Unbeknownst
2012-11-07, 05:16 PM
Dark Heresy game, this story isn't really funny, but it is the crowning moment of glory for this guy. I still have not played a character that had the level of epic this one did.

Alright, so here's the rundown, we were around rank 3-4ish and we had only been playing for a couple of weeks (4 or 5 days total) I was playing a Guardsman and had somehow rolled up a pure baddass, my 2d10 average was 17, it was scary.

So, our group had been sent after a cult to pick up an Archeotech artifact of some sort that said cultists had stolen. So we roll in, cap a few muties, and find ourselves at the crux of some bizzare ritual where they're killing people and throwing them onto a pile of burning bodies. We, of course, think nothing of it and kill them all tossing their bodies on the burning pile after we loot their corpses. Mutants must burn and all right?

Yeah. No. Unfortunately, we had just completed the ritual to summon a bloodletter of Khorne. Silly us, not really paying attention to the cultists we were fighting. So, we grab the Archeotech and book it. But, bloodletters are fast, well faster then everyone but me it seemed. So, me being a guardsman, and not just any Guardsman a Penal Legionnaire (Prisoner Soldier), I stay behind and try to slow it down so the rest of them can get away. So, I stop at the edge of a cliff and shoot it with my lasgun once, it doesn't even singe the damned thing. Tossing my lasgun off the cliff I pull my hammer. Thinking I'm about to die, and knowing a hammer sucks when you're trying to parry, I throw the hammer at the Bloodletter's blade, somehow hitting it (I had rolled a 2. In Dark Heresy rolling low is good. The system is d100). The Bloodletter failed to keep ahold of the weapon (GM decided to humor me and rolled a strength test. He rolled a 100, it was great), both hammer and blade falling off the cliff.

And that is how the fist fight with a Daemon began. For a full 2 minutes we fought (Somewhere around 25 rounds of combat, it was ridiculous) blocking, dodging, missing, and hitting for no damage. When finally it happened, I hit the bastard, but this time, I crit. I had crit him before, dealing no damage, but this time, oh this time, I rolled a ten. Not only did I roll a ten, I rolled seven more in a row, for a total of 8 tens, dealing more than enough to kill the bastard in one fell blow. To the chest.

My companions, having seen the demon and thought I was dead, had called in air support to come in and blow that deamon to bits since it was probably still on the side of the mountain. (We had the ability to call in support, but really hadn't want to blow ourselves up in the process.) So, to make it so my character didn't get shot to bits, the GM had the guncutter swoop around to see me punch a hole through the Daemons chest and kick it off a mountain. Needless to say, Psykers scanned the **** out of me when I got back.

After that the GM said I got a free permanent fate point because, and I quote, "Just, f***."

Erik Vale
2012-11-07, 07:30 PM
Snip of Awesome

Yea, it's at that point Khorne contacts you about becomeing a demon because you kicked ones ass (He's all about honour and combat, not just blood). Also, that one gets destroyed/tortured.

If you do it again a couple of times, he makes you a greater demon/demon prince instead. (In the fluff there was a noblewomen who just ate (Ok, asked them to posses her and then beat them with her own will) greater slannesh demons until Slanesh stopped her and mage her a demon prince to avoid it happening again, all in the search for eternal youth).

Morrolan
2012-11-08, 06:54 AM
Cast (level 8-ish):
Lia the female elf druid (who liked to ride her dire wolf while in cat-shape, and adored gems)
Brody the male shifter barbarian (BRODY SMASH)
Xandris the female half-celestial (referred to as angel) cleric (who we managed to get drunk and was afterwards thrown into a river)
A male wizard from another plane with memory loss whose name I have forgotten
Me, a charismatic male human swashbuckler/rogue daring outlaw with an ego the size of a small country

The Story:
After being forcefully warped to another plane that was slowly drying up, we started searching for a way to get back. While traversing a desert we met a tribe of sand-people, who told us the story of some ruins in the mountains. Suppposedly it would contain a powerful magic item, so we were on our way.

The aboveground part of the ruins were filled with huge manshaped statues which gave our party the creeps. Just as we were walking past one, a pounding erupted from inside of it. It turned out to be hollow, so we smashed it, and the wizard appeared from it (He hadn't been plane-warped with the rest of the party), not knowing where he was and what happened (again).

After welcoming back the mysterious wizard we continued downwards into the underground part of the ruins. It was dark, and moist, and there were strange plants growing everywhere. The stairs down into the darkness were very slippery, and the passage was to small to let the angel fly. Being a cleric, the angel was heavily armored, and he was forced to walk. Which meant that he slipped... Several times... Dragging the party down with him...

Thusly we ended up at the bottom of the stairs, slightly bruised. It was a small dungeon crawl from there on, ending with us getting the magical item we were looking for. It was a huge-ass floating crystal, which the druid instantly tried to call dibs on. After we removed it from it's spot, the magical lights in the dungeon and all the traps were turned off, so we came to the conclusion that it was a sort of power source.

Removing it had apparantly made the plant-things growing all over the stairs back up very angry. Slippery staircase water slide angel bowling #2, with extra tentacle vines! When we finally managed to get back up, we thought we were in the clear. Turns out we were wrong, the statues, which we had completely forgotten, started moving towards us.

At which point I instantly say the thought that entered my mind at that point:
"We removed your power source! You're not supposed to have any power!"
The resulting bluff check (thank you DM!) was ridiculously high. The statues froze in mid-motion, seemingly out of power, and we walked away safely and slightly confused.

And one day later I tapped the crystal with my sword, accidentily shattering it completely due to the magic nature of my weapon. The druid was not amused...

JohnnyCancer
2012-11-09, 01:14 AM
In the last session of Shackled City (until February) we fought our way out of the Dungeon after having teleported in to the final boss: a Beholder with a Shaator Demodand bound to his soul. We conquered every other critter in the dungeon with ease, delayed only by a series of trapped, DC 45 locked doors. The battles get progressively easier as we hack and blast our way up out of the dungeon and into the mansion of the Lord Mayor (the dead Beholder who had used a magic suit to pose as a half-elf).

After clearing the mansion, we get a clever idea. Using the Beholder's magic suit; our most convincing liar poses as the Lord Mayor and, in the presence of a notary, sells the Warriors and Mages of Distinction his mansion. Then the Lord Mayor announces his retirement, and his intentions to travel the world.