PDA

View Full Version : What the player says / What the GM hears



Craft (Cheese)
2012-07-15, 06:46 AM
A slight twist on the classic thread! I'll start:

Player says: "I kill the tax collector/quest giver/any other pointless annoying NPC."
Player means: "This forced side plot is so boring I will do ANYTHING to end it so we can move on with the adventure."
GM hears: "Hey, you know what would be cool, a prolonged prison break plot!"

Wraith
2012-07-15, 07:15 AM
Player says: "Can I use [Skill] to [Action that might be considered to fall under that skill, but doesn't seem to have immediate benefits to the player]."

GM hears: "I think I might have found a way to break your plot into a million tiny, tear-stained pieces for my own amusement."

....Or maybe that is just my RP group.... :smallwink:

Jivundus
2012-07-15, 07:22 AM
Player says: What?
GM hears: I'm sorry, I've been playing Pacman for the last 20 minutes.

Player says: I cast [insert suitable evocation] on the guards we're trying to sneak past.
GM hears: Stealth is for schmucks.

Player says: I search the room for valuables.
Player means: I take anything that isn't nailed to the floor.
GM hears: That handful of utensils I pick up will bite you on the ass one day.

Halberd
2012-07-15, 12:24 PM
Player says: Could you roll my dice for me?
GM hears: I am an extremely lazy person who refuses to manage the simple action of picking up and throwing tiny plastic objects.

Player says: I foil [BBEG]'s escape by [creative solution that GM hadn't planned for]
GM hears: I attempt to utterly ruin your long, carefully thought out story arc that is absolutely dependent on this villain's survival.

navar100
2012-07-15, 03:51 PM
Player says: "I want to play a (insert class DM doesn't like).
DM hears: "I'm a munchkin who only cares about killing monsters and taking their stuff."

Player says: "I bargain with the merchant."
DM hears: "I want it for free. Stop nickeling and diming me you tyrant of a DM."

Shinkirou
2012-07-15, 04:26 PM
Player says: I search the room for valuables.
Player means: I take anything that isn't nailed to the floor.
GM hears: That handful of utensils I pick up will bite you on the ass one day.

If nothing is nailed to the floor I intend to take it too.

Player says: I try to bribe him.

GM hears: Since I didn't have the insight to purchase any form of social skills I have to buy my way out of all non-combat situations.

Slipperychicken
2012-07-15, 04:57 PM
Player says: "This guy is unbelievably sketchy. He hasn't given us any details, at all, even about what we're supposed to kill or where we're supposed to go, or even told us how much he's paying. Why should we do anything for him?"

DM hears: "Screw your plot, I am a stupid munchkin who just wants to stab things and get money, and is incapable of any emotion other than greed and hatred"



Player says: "I go out and buy stuff, but I'm not sure what to buy. I'll look at it when I get there."

DM hears: "I want to talk to every merchant in the city about nothing for the rest of the session."



Player says: "My character has a secret. It's not really important, just..."

DM hears: "I want every NPC in the game to know this secret, and mercilessly humiliate my character for it"



Player says: "My character has a family, in case it ever comes up. I have their personalities written out here.."

DM hears: "I, your meek and wretched servant, do humbly sacrifice unto you a mere handful of NPCs for your merciless slaughter, O Almighty Dungeon Master! PLEASE, O ALMIGHTY DUNGEON MASTER, TAKE THIS OFFERING AND HAVE NO MERCY, FOR YOU ARE TRUE MASTER OF DUNGEONS, UNBOUND BY MERE MORALITY!! ALL HAIL THE DUNGEON MASTER!!!"

Kaun
2012-07-15, 06:58 PM
Player says: "I go out and buy stuff, but I'm not sure what to buy. I'll look at it when I get there."

DM hears: "I want to talk to every merchant in the city about nothing for the rest of the session."


I hate when players ask me this one,

my version is;

DM hears: Start listing off items i can buy and i will stop you once i hear things i like! As fair warning i may want you to explain the purpose of any items you list, i may also want you to repeat sections of the list multiple times, then i will want to know if there are any of the those items of a better quality, then i will want to know why the better quality items cost that much more, then i will want to know the mechanical advantage then i w....

an hour later, there is blood everywhere and i am trying to convince the rest of the group that its time to do some LARPing so they can help me dig a hole in the middle of the night at the local park.

The Random NPC
2012-07-15, 07:14 PM
Player says: Your campaign is awesome, I'm having a lot of fun.
DM hears: Your campaign sucks, you should go die in a fire.

Seriously, why are all my DMs so insecure?

Vknight
2012-07-15, 07:26 PM
-Huh same thing happens to me Kaun my other group thinks I'm a expert at prop design
Random NPC were are not insecure(at least I'm not) its just players have a tendency to twist and milk all advantages for each little bit of power
Why I had to nerf Spellcraft so you could only identify spells etc and not use it to craft....

Player Says: Can I do this
Player Means: Can i do something that my character would have no knowledge or skill with for no penalty.
Dm Hears: Can I break your game cause I want to do something cool without penalty for failure

Player Says: Your not letting me do something cool(After being told no to previous example)
Player Means: Stop forcing me to try and adapt for my characters weakness
DM Hears: I want this broken advantage that I will continually sight you on and/or use for latter advantage

Player Says: Can I do this?
Players Means: Will you make it so I don't take damage?
Dm Hears: I want to avoid any negative aspects of a challenge except combat

Morithias
2012-07-15, 07:27 PM
Player: "We're in ninja town, I want to go to the tavern and pick up girls."
GM: "I'm too dumb to live"

Craft (Cheese)
2012-07-15, 07:30 PM
Seriously, why are all my DMs so insecure?

Internet. How many threads are there out there where players complain about how much they hate their GM and how awful the campaign is?

How many threads where players talk about how wonderful and exciting their campaign is?

There's an observational bias there, to be sure, but it only helps to fuel the doubts in your mind.

Plus, some people (like me) are just naturally insecure about everything. We can't really be helped.


@Kaun: My usual response is this:

(Oh god oh god I haven't though at all about the marketplaces and shops in the area!? What am I gonna do!?)
"Uhh... during your shopping trip, you walk into a store while it's in the middle of being robbed! The thieves attack you!"

It usually keeps the players distracted enough for me to buy some time to throw things together, but I think they're starting to catch on to the fact that every shop that I don't specifically point them to will lead to a random encounter...


(What's so frustrating about this scenario is my usual method of group worldbuilding doesn't work because, well, if the players already had an idea of what they wanted to buy, they'd just come out and tell me what they wanted the shops to have in stock.)

Doorhandle
2012-07-15, 07:48 PM
G.M: These spots here and here on the map are open to the crevasse below.

What the players hear: Quick! Much launch every mook into into the chasm!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

G.M: The drow struggles for but an instant as a colossal demonic spider devours him, shredding him into red mist as the elf screams in his maw.
What the players hear: Sweet! A boss fight!
What the G.M means: This spider will ****ing kill you. I suggest you run.


(My group on top, and another group playing the same campaign. Although the above is my response to everything. :smallbiggrin:)

Averis Vol
2012-07-15, 09:00 PM
Player says: "This guy is unbelievably sketchy. He hasn't given us any details, at all, even about what we're supposed to kill or where we're supposed to go, or even told us how much he's paying. Why should we do anything for him?"

DM hears: "Screw your plot, I am a stupid munchkin who just wants to stab things and get money, and is incapable of any emotion other than greed and hatred"

Sounds like you have a heavy grudge against your PC's. This is a completely legitimate question and any attempt on the DM's part to get their players to do something without giving them some incentive sounds like a big case of railroading to me.

newBlazingAngel
2012-07-15, 10:58 PM
What players say: What is the rule for this again?

What the GM hears: I am a lazy and cheap person who has refused to buy the core rulebooks and has a short term memory, as I can not retain the most basic of knowledge.

What the GM says: Just roll the d20 and add your modifier.

Fiery Diamond
2012-07-15, 11:07 PM
Sounds like you have a heavy grudge against your PC's. This is a completely legitimate question and any attempt on the DM's part to get their players to do something without giving them some incentive sounds like a big case of railroading to me.

Sounds more to me like slipperychicken is one of the players and has a bit of a grudge against the DM, judging by all the examples. Must be one of those evil DMs.

NikitaDarkstar
2012-07-15, 11:40 PM
Internet. How many threads are there out there where players complain about how much they hate their GM and how awful the campaign is?

How many threads where players talk about how wonderful and exciting their campaign is?

There's an observational bias there, to be sure, but it only helps to fuel the doubts in your mind.

Plus, some people (like me) are just naturally insecure about everything. We can't really be helped.


@Kaun: My usual response is this:

(Oh god oh god I haven't though at all about the marketplaces and shops in the area!? What am I gonna do!?)
"Uhh... during your shopping trip, you walk into a store while it's in the middle of being robbed! The thieves attack you!"

It usually keeps the players distracted enough for me to buy some time to throw things together, but I think they're starting to catch on to the fact that every shop that I don't specifically point them to will lead to a random encounter...


(What's so frustrating about this scenario is my usual method of group worldbuilding doesn't work because, well, if the players already had an idea of what they wanted to buy, they'd just come out and tell me what they wanted the shops to have in stock.)

Ask them to make a wishlist of items before the campaign starts (and let them update it once in a while) It'll help with loot (every once in a while) and give you a general idea of what they might be interested in shopping for.

****

What the players say: I hope we get a good fight soon.
What the players mean: This plot-armor is shiny and all, nothing has ever even come close to making me need a healer, could we possibly put some actual danger into this game?
DM hears: TPK time.


It's not a common problem I know, but it can be a frustrating one.

Jay R
2012-07-16, 06:20 AM
Sounds like you have a heavy grudge against your PC's. This is a completely legitimate question and any attempt on the DM's part to get their players to do something without giving them some incentive sounds like a big case of railroading to me.

You do realize that this is a joke thread, right? The whole idea is that the different points of view of the DM and the PCs causes the dissonance that creates the humor.

Lonely Tylenol
2012-07-16, 06:33 AM
What the player says: "So you're telling me that if my Use Magic Device check is high enough, I can use a scroll of Wish at level 3?"
What the player means: "So you're telling me that if my Use Magic Device check is high enough, I can use a scroll of Wish at level 3?"
What the DM hears: "So you're telling me that if my Use Magic Device check is high enough, I can use a scroll of Wish at level 3?
"I can use a scroll of Wish at level 3?
"SCROLL OF WISH AT LEVEL 3?
"WISH AT LEVEL 3?
"WISH AT LEVEL 3?
"WISH
"WISH
"WISH"

Acanous
2012-07-16, 06:45 AM
oh man, I hate when a DM has a recurring villain who doesn't change tactics.

OK, sure. I can see recurring villains being cool and a thing. But for the love of pete, if you're using one who needs to live for your campaign to continue, make sure he has multiple escape vectors and uses them in different order!
Shadow Walk exists for a reason! If you keep trying to Teleport out, eventually the party Wizard is going to start using Dimensional Anchor, or holding action to counterspell.
If you use the same tactics repeatedly, you're either trying to teach the players a lesson in tactics, or you're trying to get the NPC killed.

Zale
2012-07-16, 06:49 AM
Player says: "I use an illusion spell to make them think I'm a much more powerful mage than I am."

What the DM hears: "I! AM! OZ!

Slipperychicken
2012-07-16, 10:51 AM
Sounds more to me like slipperychicken is one of the players and has a bit of a grudge against the DM, judging by all the examples. Must be one of those evil DMs.

Yes, I do constantly rant about my DMs, because the only two I've had for a noticable period of time are terrible. That particular example was less my DM and more one player who asks why I "can't enjoy a good story" every time my characters do something intelligent (like trivializing non-combat encounters with either common sense, compromise, or the right spell).



oh man, I hate when a DM has a recurring villain who doesn't change tactics.


So much this. I've seen "Teleport away, then come back unbuffed and get slaughtered by the party" so many times that I'm going to prepare Dimensional Anchor every day, whether I need it or not.

newBlazingAngel
2012-07-16, 11:01 AM
Players says: I try to seduce her.

DM hears: I want you to roleplay every filthy little desire I have, till eventually we're larping with me as a slave and you as my 'big pimp daddy.'

Saintheart
2012-07-18, 12:48 AM
Player says: "Do you allow Dragon supplements?"

GM hears: "Because I've got a Lego behemoth sourced off GITP I'm going to use to spank your shiny butt from here to next Tuesday, pilgrim!"

Prince Zahn
2012-07-18, 01:27 PM
What the Player says: ...what?
What the Player means: WHAT THE- ***** ARE YOU DOING TO ME!!? WHAT KIND OF SICK FRIEND ARE YOU?!?
What the GM hears: Thank you for -yet another- unforgettable adventure, hats off to your intellectual supremacy, my good man!

DeIdeal
2012-07-18, 01:42 PM
What the player says: "So you're telling me that if my Use Magic Device check is high enough, I can use a scroll of Wish at level 3?"
What the player means: "So you're telling me that if my Use Magic Device check is high enough, I can use a scroll of Wish at level 3?"
What the DM hears: "So you're telling me that if my Use Magic Device check is high enough, I can use a scroll of Wish at level 3?
"I can use a scroll of Wish at level 3?
"SCROLL OF WISH AT LEVEL 3?
"WISH AT LEVEL 3?
"WISH AT LEVEL 3?
"WISH
"WISH
"WISH"

Followed by "Sure, let me just check some rules first..." while the DM browses to this topic (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=243173) and starts grinning.

Hyena
2012-07-18, 01:48 PM
What the player says: I try to negotiate.
What the player means: I don't want to fight these NPCs, it will surely bite me in the ass in mere moments.
What the DM hears: I want both to screw your plot and to be the victim number one of this encounter.

Mono Vertigo
2012-07-18, 02:19 PM
What the player says: "my character tries to intimidate that weird NPC who advances in their direction."
What the player means: "I know that NPC is really cruel and scary, but my character doesn't, and they're not in the mood to take smart decisions."
What the GM hears: "my secretly-a-monster weakling will surely make Mr. Crazy Monster Hunter **** his pants and flee in terror!"