Re-rolling my life

[JabberwockySupafly]

Hey Playground


Some of you have probably seen me pop up on occasion to interject into a random thread and then disappear back into lurk mode for long periods of time. Well, I've decided to rear my ugly head and actually ask for advice on some things, because honestly I'm quite lost and don't know anyone else with experience in this particular situation.

I've been married now for close to 8 & half years and it looks like that marriage is now at an end. My wife and I have agreed that our current relationship isn't working as we both want very different things from life, and have decided to legally separate. We're being civil and doing this on friendly terms (at least for now, who knows how things will pan out?), but we're still both kind of in shock about the whole thing.

I've spent the last 12 years living with my wife, developing a life and culture that always included her. Now that this has happened, I'm very much at a loss of what to do. I'm looking for a new place to live, figuring out if I need a vehicle for transport purposes (where I live has an abundance of public transport and cars aren't as required as they are in most places), trying to figure out who gets what in terms of material items, and a lot more.

As much as it hurts and I feel horrible about it (I imagine she does too), I know it's the right thing, since we haven't been seeing eye to eye on anything for a long time. That doesn't help that it's put me in a mental tail spin and I really have no clue how to proceed.

Anyways, I'm done rambling on and I'll get to the meat of this thread: How, exactly, do I proceed from here? A friend of mine who has had a long term relationship come to an end before says the thing that takes precedence is to find a new place to call home, as it'll make the transition a great deal easier if you're not constantly awkwardly bumping into each other in the same house. I've also heard that we should both have our own solicitors. Even if we're remaining civil about the whole thing, we both need a neutral party involved.

But after that... what? I know it sounds weird to come to what is essentially a group of strangers, but sometimes an outsider's point of view can help see things those invested can't.

[The Succubus]

I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you but it is good that you're heading your separate ways amicably. The important thing is not so much to keep yourself busy but to give yourself things look forward to and focus on. Maybe it's a trip somewhere you can now afford by yourself, or a new sport (archery is wonderfully theraputic - there's an almost Zen quality to drawing and shooting) or perhaps a project to work on.

It is important that you make a sanctuary for yourself. The new house you move to will just be a house to begin with and you need to turn it into a home. Maybe get some friends round to help you decorate together for a couple of days and relax together in the evenings with beer, pizza and a film. Photos of friends and family will help. I couldn't say whether to have piccies of your ex or not - I think that's a call you'll have to make on your own.

*hugs* Good luck JW. :smallsmile:

[GolemsVoice]

First, sorry, man. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you.

Second, I'd agree to what The Succubus (ask a Succubus for relationship advice? Isn't that like asking a drug dealer for rehab? :smallwink:) said. Get yoruself a new place, and hang out with your friends, a lot. Visit places that you don't strongly associate with her, or just sit at home with the boys, drink whatever your favourite drink is and watch whatever your favourite thing to watch is. Don't be afraid to ask them for support, I believe every friend would understand what you need right now.

Depending on your relationship with your parents, you might want to spend some time with them, too, they can surely help you regain your sense of belonging and show you that you'll always have a place where you are welcome and safe.

[prufock]

While I agree with the idea of finding a new place to call home, I'm also going to strongly suggest get out of the house. Go DO stuff with your mates. Go see "guy movies" that your ex wouldn't have wanted to see, play pool, see bands, exercise, whatever it is YOU enjoy doing. Keeping busy is the best way to move on.

Also, you mentioned that you "want very different things from life," so go pursue those things.

[The Second]

It's hard to start over from scratch, but it's not impossible.

Your first priority is a place to stay, one that is within your current means. Since you've relied on public transportation for so long, I'd recommend searching for a place that has access to it. Having to deal with bills from a new vehicle will only add to your frustrations.

Hopefully you have a rainy day fund just in case; if not, start one.

If your able, take a weeks vacation from work. Do something you've always wanted to do. Set it up so you can take along a friend or two and have a blast.

Get a companion animal. Dog, cat, rat, whatever suits your fancy. You'll need someone nonjudgemental to talk with on a regular basis, and they don't mind when you cry into their fur. They don't gossip about it with the rest of the neighborhood either.

Have an emergency contact, someone you can call at any hour and talk with honestly. A parent or sibling works wonders.

Good luck, man. It's hard, but it can be done.

[JabberwockySupafly]

Thank you all for the advice, I have been reading these, just haven't had a chance to respond. A lot of what you've offered is what I've been told by some of my friends where I am as well and it's all very sound.

We're both being pretty good about the whole thing, and have decided to remain on friendly terms. We were friends well before there was a relationship and don't feel there's a need we can't be again. We won't exactly be going out for pizza and a movie any time soon, but we won't avoid each other if we're both at a friend's place for a shindig or anything equally awkward.

I've made plans for most of the forseeable future, going to a friend's out of town this weekend and the next. Going to the local gaming shoppe for some Malifaux or just to BS with my mates after work on the weeknights. Going to a couple of concerts and other events as well. She signed up for a local amateur basketball league and has some plans for the next few weekends with friends as well, so she's doing the same.

A friend has some furniture to donate and a decent car he's willing to sell me on the cheap since he just upgraded to some swanky new ride, and as for the pet advice I have two incredibly awesome dogs already, one of which will be moving with me, and we've agreed we'll share 'joint custody' of them since we're both very attached to them.

Getting a place to stay will take a bit of work, but since we've worked most of our issues out with the split, we're both comfortable under the same roof for a little while until I get the scratch up to put down a deposit on a place.

Holidays/Vacation is unlikely, mostly because of funds and that I have no accrued leave at work, but like I said above most of my weekends are now filled out for the forseeable future and I've got plenty of hobbies and after-work activities to help keep my mind busy or get me out of the house.

All things considered, this looks to work out for the best. It still sucks, but I'm sure we'll both be better people for it.

Thanks again everyone. It's feels good knowing that even though I'm practically a total stranger, a community like the Playground is still willing to help out. :)

[danzibr]

Perhaps I shouldn't be admitting this online but...

So I have a wife and son and we are expecting another. I'm very happy with my life, but I ask myself, "What would I do if I were to re-roll?" Not that I want it, but ya know, gotta consider the options.

I concluded this: I would buy a one-way ticket to Japan and live on the streets long enough to find a job tutoring English. Fortunately I have a connection that could help me with this.

[Ashtar]

As to getting solicitors, my personal experience has been, if you get 1 mediator for both parties, it goes ok. If you get 2 solicitors, 1 for each party, you are basically creating a problem, it is then in their interest to "defend you", even if you are in a non conflictual separation.

So if you do need a legal advisor on separation, go to one mediator and don't bring a each solicitor along (also... cheaper).

[Crow]

Try to get a single mediator. Two lawyers will try to create conflict and prolong the thing.

But still, if she gets a lawyer, immediately get yourself a lawyer.

I learned the hard way.

[Melayl]

Wow. That sounds like it really sucks. I'm sorry. :smalleek:

I strongly recommend professional counseling, for you as an individual, and as a couple. I don't know if you've tried couples counseling yet or not. I don't know that it could save the relationship, but it can at least help ensure an amicable split. It can also help both of you deal with this very major change in your lives.

Individual counseling (going from the tone of your post) seems to be something that will really help you deal with what has happened, and help you plan for the next stage of your life.

[Seffbasilisk]

I strongly advocate exercise.

There's an old maxim "Move a muscle, change a thought."

If nothing else, getting into better shape will help you transition smoother. Be wary of mutual friends. Make new ones.

I'll second The Second's statement about an emergency contact, and Crow hit it on the head there.

If it's amicable, keep it amicable. If things start to go sour and you notice she's packing for bear, load up yourself.

[Yawgmoth]

But still, if she gets a lawyer, immediately get yourself a lawyer. There we go. Don't wait for her to lawyer up, that puts you at a disadvantage in a system already stacked against you. Even if it's "friendly" and you both agree on everything, a lawyer will help make sure that everything goes smoothly. Trust me, I work for a lawyer who does divorces from time to time and every time the guy waited to get a lawyer he ended up holding the bag.

[HairyGuy4]

Hey Playground


Some of you have probably seen me pop up on occasion to interject into a random thread and then disappear back into lurk mode for long periods of time. Well, I've decided to rear my ugly head and actually ask for advice on some things, because honestly I'm quite lost and don't know anyone else with experience in this particular situation.

I've been married now for close to 8 & half years and it looks like that marriage is now at an end. My wife and I have agreed that our current relationship isn't working as we both want very different things from life, and have decided to legally separate. We're being civil and doing this on friendly terms (at least for now, who knows how things will pan out?), but we're still both kind of in shock about the whole thing.

I've spent the last 12 years living with my wife, developing a life and culture that always included her. Now that this has happened, I'm very much at a loss of what to do. I'm looking for a new place to live, figuring out if I need a vehicle for transport purposes (where I live has an abundance of public transport and cars aren't as required as they are in most places), trying to figure out who gets what in terms of material items, and a lot more.

As much as it hurts and I feel horrible about it (I imagine she does too), I know it's the right thing, since we haven't been seeing eye to eye on anything for a long time. That doesn't help that it's put me in a mental tail spin and I really have no clue how to proceed.

Anyways, I'm done rambling on and I'll get to the meat of this thread: How, exactly, do I proceed from here? A friend of mine who has had a long term relationship come to an end before says the thing that takes precedence is to find a new place to call home, as it'll make the transition a great deal easier if you're not constantly awkwardly bumping into each other in the same house. I've also heard that we should both have our own solicitors. Even if we're remaining civil about the whole thing, we both need a neutral party involved.

But after that... what? I know it sounds weird to come to what is essentially a group of strangers, but sometimes an outsider's point of view can help see things those invested can't.

I'm in a similar situation right now, just further into it. Getting your own place is definitely a good idea. There are people called mediators that can act as a go between for deciding things, and they usually don't cost a lot of money. If one person gets a lawyer, you both need to get a lawyer, so hopefully you can avoid that.

If you have any questions, I would be happy to try and help. Just PM me.

[Slipperychicken]

Don't roll. Use point-buy. Build your new life the way you want it to be :smalltongue:

[Haruki-kun]

I have no experience in your specific situation... I'm sorry it's tough.

That being said, I also strongly advocate exercise. Some people don't believe it when I tell them so (because it's something that I personally am into), but it really does help. It gets a lot of hormones working right in your body and overall gives you a feeling of wellness.

I also suggest finding yourself a hobby. It would be the aforementioned exercise or something else you're into. It's really good for one to get something to do. Fills up your afternoons and such.

Good luck.