Iron Poet XVII

[Vaynor]

Welcome to Iron Poet, Round Seventeen!!

Rules

1) Only the first 16 respondents expressing a desire to compete will be the contestants. It IS a first come, first served basis.

2) The contest will consist of a number of rounds pitting 2 randomly determined poets against each other until only one contestant remains (winner).

3) Each match-up will be given a theme, picture, article, subject, or other criteria to write on, and the poem submitted must match this as much as possible. Stricter following of prompts may help you win. Prompts that are words may be interpreted in any way (and any form of the word can be used), but keep in mind the judge may not see the connection if it's too ambiguous.

4) The winner as determined by a panel of judges will advance to the next round.

5) In case of a judge or judges not posting judgments in a timely manner, Vaynor will adjudicate and determine the winner.

6) The poems will be limited to 1000 words with a 50 word minimum

7) The entries will be poems. All forms of poetry are acceptable, as long as they meet the required word lengths. If your chosen style is too short, you are free to make two of them, i.e., you may make a limerick with 48 words, then add another limerick, still following the same theme, to reach the required word length.

8) All posted deadlines will given in as much time zones as possible, as labeled.

9) No late entries will be accepted. If you don't post or fail to post by the deadline, you will be disqualified. A 15 minute grace period is allowed. You have one freebie per contest, use it wisely. This allows you to be up to half a day late (12 hours) with your poem (no more).

10) If your entry does not include the article(s) and the picture(s), you will most likely lose because of it, however this will not disqualify your poem, as poems are judged on best use of the prompts.

11) The judgments are final. What the judges decide is how it is.

12) The entries will only include content suitable for the Playground.

13) Anything not clear will be decided by me.

14) The contestants will have 1 week (roughly) from the bracket posting to get their entries posted.

15) Post your poems in spoilers. Judges: do not read poems before the round ends.

16) Feel free to edit the post with your poem in it until the round ends. After that, any additional edits will disqualify you (barring a use of your half-day extension).

17) Judges have 1 week to complete judgments. If not all judges respond by this time, the round will be decided as if the late judges were not a part of it (i.e. if there are 5 judges to begin with and only 3 are on time, the round will be decided with 2 votes as opposed to 3). If there are only an even number of judgments, I will cast the remaining vote.

18) At the end of each contest, everyone still reading the thread will be able to anonymously vote on their favorite poem of the entire contest (encompassing all rounds). The poem with the most votes will win the "Best of Show" award!

THE IRON POET HALL OF FAME
1. Ravyn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43424)
2. Rubakhin (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54933)
3. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69302)
4. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76283)
5. Truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82545)
6. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93376)
7. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106066)
8. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=119306)
9. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=141907)
10. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=155861)
11. Rutskarn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172822)
12. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=182448)
13. averagejoe (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=193836)
14. Asthix (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=213888)
15. truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=226578)
16. Techwarrior (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=247178)

Contestants:


Haruki-kun
The Grimmace
Alarra
The Fiery Tower
Dumbledore lives
Weezer
Szilard
Elvaris
Dimonite
leakingpen
Halberd
Techwarrior






Judges:

SaintRidley
Garwain
Rakmakallan






POTENTIAL APPLICANTS FOR THE JUDGE POSITION TAKE NOTE: THESE CONTESTS LAST A LONG TIME AND THIS IS NOT A FLEETING RESPONSIBILITY. IF YOU SIGN UP I EXPECT YOU TO POST JUDGMENTS ON TIME. IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO POST JUDGMENTS, TELL ME. THANK YOU.

[Haruki-kun]

*walks in*
*sits*

It's been a long day. I'd like a spot as a contestant on the rocks, please

[Zjoot]

In. To the max. (as a contestant)

[Alarra]

I would like to be a contestant, unless you find yourselves lacking in judges, in which case, I'll happily do that.

[TFT]

In as a contestant. Though odds are this will probably start during my finals week. Just because. :smalltongue:

[Dumbledore lives]

I'm not much of a poet but I'm working on a video game which uses poetry as a prominent theme, so I'll compete.

[Weezer]

I'll give being a contestant another try

[Szilard]

Count me in! Contestant that is.

[SaintRidley]

I'll take a turn at the judging table this round, just so my finals week doesn't get messed with.

[Elvaris]

I'll write.

[Dimonite]

I would like in as a contestant, please! :smallbiggrin:

[leakingpen]

poet please!

[Garwain]

I'll judge this round.

[Halberd]

I suppose I'll write this time around.

[Rakmakallan]

In a post in a previous contest I criticised the whole concept, but though I would by no means compete, I declare interest for a judge position.

[Vaynor]

Come on guys, just need a few more!

[Zjoot]

(shouldn't Rakmakallan be on the judge list?)

[Techwarrior]

I'll write again.

[Rakmakallan]

(shouldn't Rakmakallan be on the judge list?)

Indeed I should. Was the request unclear?

[Vaynor]

No, I just added you to the wrong list. Everything is updated now, almost there! :smallsmile:

Edit: If I don't get anyone else by tomorrow (December 24th), I'll be starting the contest with 12. Or do you guys think I should wait till a little after the holidays to start?

[Dimonite]

No, I just added you to the wrong list. Everything is updated now, almost there! :smallsmile:

Edit: If I don't get anyone else by tomorrow (December 24th), I'll be starting the contest with 12. Or do you guys think I should wait till a little after the holidays to start?

I don't particularly mind one way or the other, but I think it might be a good idea to wait until after the new year, since some people might be traveling.

[Weezer]

I say just go for it, there's been plenty of time for more people to join, and 12 people is easy enough to make work. (Mostly I just want to start writing again)

[Vaynor]

I'm gonna side with Weezer on this one. First round will be up this afternoon.

[Techwarrior]

Good to hear, my pen is poised as I eagerly await the prompts.

[Vaynor]

Iron Poet XVII: Round 1

Halberd vs. The Grimmace: Inhibitor
Dumbledore lives vs. Dimonite: Tenant
The Fiery Tower vs. Weezer: Detained
Elvaris vs. Haruki-kun: Tap
leakingpen vs. Alarra: Worm
Techwarrior vs. Szilard: Pugnacious

This round we'll start off simple, just one word. You can use any definition of the word, but keep in mind the judges are judging based on how they feel you incorporated the prompt so making it too obscure might be a bad idea. Good luck!

Deadline: I'm going to give you guys a bit more than a week since it's the holiday season, so poems are due by 11:59 pm (EST) on Sunday, January 6th 2013.

[leakingpen]

::bows to Alarra::
of course, i go up against the master in round one.

[Halberd]

Prompt: Inhibitor
Beasts and Guards

This world has long been filled with vicious beasts
Whose evils cause much death and mayhem great,
And in their horrid, violent, bloody feasts
All of society's order could deflate.

But they are not allowed to have free reign,
For they are kept in check by many guards,
Who in their castles keep the beasts contained
In metal cells, with windows locked and barred.

But sometimes these defenses may get weak,
And one will break out of its guarded jail.
In nearby towns destruction will be wreaked-
Attempts to get it back may sometimes fail.

To those who try to starve a beast, it's said
That they get even stronger when not fed.

[Szilard]

Pugnacious

Pointless Fighting
Every night I weep
For the one I love.

I cry myself to sleep
As I think of
Who I'd fight for you
(If I had the might)
Just to hear you say "I do."

Yet you're the one I fight
Though it wasn't treason.
Sometimes I want to die
Instead of hearing your reason
For leaving me—myself—I.

But we weren't meant to be.
That, now I see.

[Dimonite]

Prompt: Tenant

Apart-ment
A tall apartment building
Against a clouded sky.
No one really sees it,
Except for you and I.

“It’s plain!” they say,
“A boring square!”
But we two know what happened,
What memories are there.

Our dreams lived and died,
In that bleak, heartless box.
And our happiness was broken
Through its barriers and locks.

Now, we come together,
And remember all that pain.
But soon we’ll go our ways,
And never meet again.

[Dumbledore lives]

Promt: Tenant

Scraps


Scraps of parchment formed
The thoughts of his fractured mind
Broken to pieces by horrors

It was never his home
He didn't own it
He didn't even live in it
Not anymore

There were things
Living there, not him
They were the real occupants

He left the place
Left the things
Their skittering and scratching
In all the walls

He tried to make sense
But there was none to be had
Just scratches on the wall

But he knew why
They were there forever
And he was
Just renting

[Alarra]

prompt: worm

Mezcal
Cool amber, languid, a caressing bath.
I float, sink, settle to disturb
a fine layer of sediment coating
my prison’s glass floor.

Refracted, obscured,
I strain to see through
windowed walls, waiting
in a long line of cubes.

Liquid seeps through my skin,
numbing, dulling,
until senstation-less
I sleep.

Sloshed, stowed in darkness,
I awaken.
I can hear their laughter,
feel their gait as I’m carried away.

I wonder where we are going,
who has purchased me.
Whether they plan to free me
or keep me locked away.

When the darkness is pulled
I can count the shadows
of three men
playing across my walls.

I’m placed alone, gently,
to feel as the focal point
of a gathering that grows
in time to 10 or 12.

With a crack and a twist
My prison shakes once more.
Until above I can glimpse
light, hear voices.

Adrenaline shrugs away
the paralytic ache
and I swim upward
striving toward the opening.

I do not make it.
But am thrown, tossed about
as my cage is turned
this way and that.

I wait then,
at the bottom.
To allow bubbles to settle
before my next attempt.

They don’t.
My prison pitches and turns
near constantly.
So still I wait.

The liquid I have grown
to think of as home
shallows dangerously
until I am nearly uncovered.

It is lifted again.
And I am thrown
against the glass,
tumbled, tangled.

I fall through space.
looking eagerly for freedom.
Before landing in a new,
smaller vessel.

I can see and hear clearly now.
And though the noise is nearly deafening
I pop to the surface,
eager to meet my savior.

He grins down at me,
laughter on his lips.
“Hey guys! John’s the lucky bastard!
He gets to drink the worm!”

[Weezer]

Prompt: Detained

Self-Restraint


Above me the walls tower,
and this construction has been completed.
I am safe and protected
In a fortress of my own creation.

The waves cut off the world.
With nary a sail on the horizon,
I have become isolate
On an island of my own creation.

Halls of dusty slate surround,
As I wander out from the cold center,
Aimless turn after aimless turn,
In a mazing of my own creation.

I awake to barred doors,
Light filtering through shuttered windows.
I am chained to damp stone,
In a prison of my own creation.

[Haruki-kun]

Prompt: Tap

Title: Tap
Once those thoughts, they used to flow,
like a river through the ground.
And once they’d simply come to show
the thinker’s voice was loud.
But then the source went cold and so,
the silence took its reign.
And what, the thinker would deliberate,
was there around to blame?
The flow disrupted, he would say,
whatever shall I do?
There’s no more left, there is no cure.
Where should my thoughts turn to?
He turns the knob and waits and waits,
for water that won’t come.
And as he sits, he stares and sobs,
a prayer to see some.
But it won’t be, the well’s run dry,
of this there is no doubt.
And it won’t matter what you say,
feel free to cry and shout.

[Techwarrior]

Pugnacious
Insomnia: Sanity, and the Lack Thereof

The seconds fade by the ticking clock
Meaningless noise to break the silence
Of the daydream keeping me awake

Don't ask me why I stutter and itch
Don't worry when I scream and twitch

All of this is in the user's manual
They're prescription grade mind-killers
For an illness no one understands

You wake to an unmuffled scream
As I call out the colors of a dream

I call out words you can't recognize
In descending order of tongues I've learned
In the bygone days of a less stressful youth

Save me from the medication that makes me sleep
Save me from the nightmares that make me weep

Lucidity is a battle against the medication
One you know I never learned how to win

Don't ask me why I stutter and itch..
Don't ask me why I scream and twitch...

And you wonder how long it will be
Before I find myself again
Amidst the shattered remnants
Of a mind you understood so long ago

[Zjoot]

Prompt: Inhibitor

Inhibitors

The power of liquid bastions is this:

With a single capsule of Celexa
serotonin can flow through the brain,
like ambrosia on Olympus

Similarly,
When substance A and substance B are on the verge of combustion,
pour the third vial into the mix,
and watch baking soda and vinegar chaos
fizzle into tranquility

Or consider the I-beam:
With a special coating,
it retains its luster to eternity,
oxidation never diminishing the twinkle.

A better existence*
would be one spent in a state of ladling
a new Great Wall of China onto Earth in its entirety.

Then again,
it is easy to forget*
that rust carries with it*all of the beauty of autumn
and*it is easy to forget that
explosions are man-made miracles, making mountains into railways,
and it is easy to forget that
ambrosia is not to be taken lightly by mortals.

[Elvaris]

Prompt: Tap

Temporal Termination

In motion yet still
Drumming fingers perhaps
Finding rhythm in taps
Or just mashing at will

How does one twiddle?
Is it just for the thumbs?
Can any finger be done?
Can the one in the middle?

And always a stare
Through window or wall
Though nothing at all
Needs to be there

The killing of time
That victim most dear
The punishment clear
Built into the crime

[leakingpen]

Using my 12 hour extension with 2 minuts to spare!
Prompt: Worm
Experiment in Yeast Minor.

I have a thought that insinuates itself in my brain,
Crawling through the holes it leaves, but leaving no pain,
A concoction I wish to make, the recipe seems plain,
Though the ingredients seem to be a bit, well, insane.

Plants from a plot plowed by a bug with lots of heart,
Cleaned and picked and ready for the start,
Of the boiling of a large pot, now here’s the tricky part,
Kept at temperature for just so long, the timing is an art.

Add the yeast and watch it bubble, froth and rise,
Lock it away, a month waits until I see my prize,
Golden liquid, with an aroma that implies,
What I will have once I’ve followed the wise.

Pouted in a boiling vat to remove the tripe,
The odorous vapor flows up in a tall white stripe,
Reaching the cold, chilled top and true to type,
Clear liquid drips out of a long twisted pipe.

A jug of condensed vapor, no longer free and airy,
Add a little branch loved by the green fairy,
Some eye of newt and a few herbs less scary,
Some rose hips, cinnamon, leaves of green and hair.

Let it soak another month, slowly growing swarthy,
From the jug to a bottle strained, into bottle clear and curvy,
Though it contains no juice from the flower of agave,
Into the bottom of the bottle I throw a little larvae.

Now pour it out
Drink it up
The flavor quickens
The taste awakens
The buds ripen
As the booze hits.

Damn, I think. This tastes like ****.

[Vaynor]

Not a bad showing! Now it's time for the judgments. :smallsmile:

[TFT]

Oh shoot. I thought this was today, not yesterday. That's disappointing. :smallfrown:

[Garwain]

Ok, so I started judging and ehm... good lord. No simple task. I'm only halfway and already some tough nuts cracked.

[Haruki-kun]

It gets easier after the first round. It halves every round. :smallwink:

[Weezer]

It gets easier after the first round. It halves every round. :smallwink:

*Puts on pedant hat* Less than halves, due to Fiery Tower mixing up the deadline. The number of poems to judge will only reduce by 45% *takes off pedant hat*.

Sorry...

[Dimonite]

*Puts on pedant hat* Less than halves, due to Fiery Tower mixing up the deadline. The number of poems to judge will only reduce by 45% *takes off pedant hat*.

Sorry...

Hang on... pedant hats are removable?!?!

... I did not know that.

[Weezer]

Hang on... pedant hats are removable?!?!

... I did not know that.

Yup it's removable. However, there's always another pedant hat under the first one. Hats all the way down.

[Garwain]

To start with a little something on my judging:

First of all, I found it really hard to justify certain choices. I mean: "I like that one better" is hardly satisfying. So I came up with a little system for myself: I award 1-2-3 points for execution (rhythm, flow, etc), 1-2-3 for story (was I interested?, could I relate or connect emotionally?), 1-2-3 for use of prompt, and then 1-2-3-4 for my overall gut feeling, call it a wildcard. Nonetheless, it's only a guide. We can argue on the comments, not the points. That's not the point.

prompt: Tenant

Dimonite

Ok, I see what you did here: Apart - mending - apartment, it's a neat little idea. I see how this relates to tenant on more than one level. I don't know if it was on purpose, but I found the poem also rather grey and plain. Nonetheless I liked the story. It has something painful obvious to it. I guess it's easy to identify yourself with love that doesn't work out and the moment to part...
execution: 2 - solid work, no major comment, but no flashes of genius either.
story: 2 - a recognizable story, although on a worn object
UoP: 3 - the more I read it, the more I liked the link. This is clever. I advice readers to explore all the different layers.
liking: 3 - I liked it, it's a good idea worked in a solid poem. It didn't have that tingle of special spice into it to grant it a 4
Total: 10/13

Dumbledore_lives

This is an intriguing poem, to say the least. I like this kind of fragments that are handed to you to piece together the whole picture. Yet I found the reference to horrors unnecessary, or at least too early in the poem. The suggestion of disconnection with his own mind is also not a fresh baked idea, but works.
execution: 2 - none of the sentences felt forced and I didn't break my mouth. The 3-4-3-4-3-4 structure was maybe too strictly applied to match the theme.
story: 2 - It gives you material to think about, and that's something you need. And a nice punchline to round it up.
UoP: 2 - This is how I expected the prompt to be used so I can't say I'm wowed.
liking: 3 - I must admit that I like these kinds of poems. Alas, this means I'm probably more a critic that I should. For me, there is a little too much fog, while I liked to see more of a silhouette in the fog to nudge the reader in the direction you want. I wanted to give a 4 but I couldn't.
Total: 9/13

Verdict

So what does my points system tell me? Not much really. For both poems I could just as easily defend another distribution, so in the end it all comes down to my gut feeling. I think both were solid pieces of work with a clever theme and hidden meanings that were enjoyable to explore. Winner is Dimonite by virtue of connecting the prompt with both the physical as well as metaphysical meaning of the prompt.


prompt: Inhibitor

Halberd

You choose to remove the 'allegory' note, so I will not take that into account when judging. Nonetheless, I feel that an allegorical interpretation isn't necessarily a bad thing. Since I'm free to read it as I please, I'm going for the allegory anyway.
execution: 1 - I'm deducting here as some lines felt constructed or battered into rhyme: "who in their castles keep the beasts contained" or "..and mayhem great".
story: 3 - I'm a sucker for moral. So yes, I liked to story. Fill in your own beast, or the society beasts... you give 'contained' material to the reader to work with.
UoP: 2 - I admit this is my third rating, you started off with a 1 as I found it a poor link. But reading your poem more, I realised that the function of an inhibitor matches exactly the whole idea of the inner/outer struggle of the whole story.
liking: 3 - Liked the poem a lot, but some of the lines didn't work for me to justify a 4.
Total: 10/13

The Grimmace

Love for good old science! I don't know if everyone has sufficient scientific knowledge to grasp every reference, but as a chemist I chuckled more than once. Felt like xkcd into poem format.
execution: 2 - I don't see what you wanted with the asterisk. Didn't make much sense content wise or style wise. Must be something that I miss, but I'm confused here. All in all it felt a bit cluttered
story: 2 - I enjoyed the stories with its contemporary references, and then had to chew on the 'ladling a new Great Wall' lines. I see now the inhibitor doing Sisyphus labour or something, still not so clear to me. The recap at the end was sufficient to finish the poem. We all look for a better existence, but those 3 lines are unnecessary in my interpretation of your work. Oh and the very first line? Is this the link between the inhibitors (and their liquid application) and the ladling? I'm drawing blanks here...
UoP: 2 - it's the inhibitor in all its glory, I'll give you that. A somewhat deeper meaning is lost to me, or unclear (I’m still with: an inhibitor = Sisyphus).
liking: 4 - I like literature, but also science. With another theme, points would have definitely dropped (as I appear to be blind for my previous commentary).
Total: 10/13

Verdict

I really don't know for this one. Points don't help me, so I had to make a decision anyway.
Winner is Halberd by virtue of writing a good solid poem I enjoyed. I think maybe just more all-round.


prompt: Tap

Elvaris

My first thought: If you learn how to play guitar, then that's done with tabs! Ooh, no-no this is about an elderly lady looking lonely through the window all day, no wait it's about... etc. I liked the rich imaging that depicts so little and yet promises consisting scenery.
execution: 2 - no comments here. None of it felt hammered into place, it had a good pacing although 'thumbs' and 'done' are the rhyming oddballs, which is unnecessary and feels sloppy.
story: 2 - Ah the kids these days. They can't kill time anymore like we used to. Nowadays they are on their mobile phones for every 2 minutes to wait! Or is it the rat races that we're all in that has forced us into this stressful life so that we forgot how to kill time? Anyway I liked what you tried to say (I guess, and if not, then hey, at least I had something out of it).
UoP: 2 - I take that you went for the tapping sound rather than the faucet. Ok, I like that. And definitely the way you made a poem out of it.
liking: 3 - I'm not handing you a 4 here because all I read was good, but nothing that made me jump out of my seat. Well, I was amused with the suggestion of the middle finger. We all know what that one is capable of. So I was entertained, not excited.
Total: 9/13

Haruki-kun

Reading your poem the first time I was excited. The simplest thoughts (got it?) can also be entertaining, and I was looking forward to a neat clean poem with a tight connection to the prompt, a good enough idea without overly complex layering. But then there were some lines that made me sad.
execution: 2 - This poem is all about thoughts that flow like water, and I definitely needed this to be reflected in the flow of the poem. Rhyme or rhythm, who cares, as long as it flows nicely. And it didn't. Well, not everywhere. Your first 8 lines are perfect but then "a prayer to see some". Must be me, but that didn't do it for me. Perhaps this was done deliberately to be inline with the content, but I doubt it.
story: 1 - We all stared at a white page once, so yeah "where did my thoughts go?" Nonetheless I wasn't really with you at some points. He turns the knob? what knob? Ehm, I think (got it?) you lost me there.
UoP: 3 - I used to think that my creativity was like running water and all I had to do was channel it. Or put a tap on it. Now I know that to create something worthwhile, it's actually hard work. It's the play between both worlds that I find attractive.
liking: 3 - I expected someone to do something clever about tap dancing, but this poem achieve just as well to take a turn on the tap (got it?). You probably noticed the many attempts to humour in this review. That's because I enjoyed the work! (although you could have added some self-reference joke on how iron poets are confronted without running water ehm thoughts.
Total: 9/13

Verdict

Apart from a little comment I had on execution, I think both are as solid as a poem should be. A good idea, well executed and good tie to the prompt. Nothing makes me wave my arms of pure pleasure, so it's hard to pick one out. And my points system fails me as well. Winner is Haruki-kun by virtue of having a bit more debt to it. All in all a very difficult choice here. Could have just as easily been for Elvaris. But it's not.


prompt: Pugnacious

Techwarrior

A restless spirit that fights the sleep, the mind and ultimately his sanity. No harm done with a little self fulfilling prophecy? No, I'm kidding. It's the kind of poem you need to read a couple of times to let it all fall into place, which is the kind of assignment one is gladly to take from a poem.
execution: 2 - The duo lines rhyme, the others not. Good flow, no comments on rhythm. Don't know why you put dots after the second repeat of the itch-twitch lines. Seems odd to find punctuation only there. (besides the title). Maybe because you broke out the 3-2 alternation with the lines before?
story: 2 - I don't have anything meaningful to say here. I'm following you all the way to the end, but I don't scream and twitch. I think it's because I can't really relate to the insomnia - madness theme, although sometimes I wonder if I got everything in order upstairs.
UoP: 2 - The link between the prompt and the poem is obvious and with a bit of effort more than one take can be found. Not really anything totally unexpected but I'm not capable of that either.
liking: 1 - As you probably noticed in my tone in the comments above, I don't quite like it. Hard to say why though. Maybe I drank a bad coffee, or left my bed with the wrong leg or maybe it just didn't excite me. I don't want to sound so harsh, because I can totally understand why other would like it. Just not I.
Total: 7/13

Szilard

I actually counted the words to see if you got to the required 50 words. But no worries, sometimes beauty lies in the simplest of things.
execution: 3 - I really like what you did with the rhyming pattern. If it's a condensed poem like this, you need to make every word count. And I think you managed that. The only line that stands out is the 'instead of hearing your reason', feels a bit... dunno... elaborated? I'm not a fan of starting every line with a capital yet only use punctuation as if it were sentences. But ok, at least it was consistent. Also, the shorter your poem, the less room for error?
story: 2 - Using a universal theme is a safe bet, because you know it works. And indeed. Ok it wasn't treason, but why was it not meant to be? Reviewing this poem after you read the one from Dimonite is probably not a good idea as both are not to be compared. But I saw the same theme: apart - meant (to be). Aaanyway, good show, thanks, next!
UoP: 2 - Ah, well although I'm charmed with this poem, I feel that there was more to be done with the prompt. Don't get me wrong, you use it so that's ok. I was expected more because I like it so much.
liking: 4 - Ok, I must sound like a jerk now that I explicitly state I like this one while not liking the other one. But I volunteered to do this so I will. For some reason it appealed to me. Probably the pocket format or the explicit emotions or just maybe it just excited me.
Total: 11/13

Verdict

I'll not twist and turn. This was the easiest choice of all to make. So no heartbreaking decision to make, which is a relief. Unless for Techwarrior. But I read other of his work, so I know he can deliver. Just not this time for me. Winner is Szilard by virtue of writing a poem I just liked.


prompt: Worm
note:
Both poets were mind mapping with the prompt and came up with Mescal. Not surprisingly as some famous artists get their inspiration from certain 'spirited' substances. But it's actually a larva, not a worm. So none of the poets deserve points of the prompt. Nah, just kidding. Another striking similarity is that both focused on the 'fabrication' process, although with a different angle. One from the liquid, the other from the worm, and both down to the actual drinking. Even though the styles of the poems are different, I think they can just as easily be considered a pair. I read them both in tandem and noticed that they compliment each other. Still a winner to pick. Damn, I think. That's just ****.

leakingpen

I enjoyed the production details (which are correct AFAIK) woven into a poem. This is actually harder to do that it seems. you included some trivia as well, which I found amusing (I didn't know there is no flower juice used for the simple reason that they cut the stalk so that the plant wouldn't invest in a flower rather than in the storage of the necessary sugars for fermentation).
execution: 3 - Well done. The poem rhyming is straightforward, but difficult to pull without sounding like you twisted the lines into rhyme. The poem flows nicely with a nice punch line. Don't know why you did: "airy-fairy-scary-hair". "Hairy" isn't that far away and the rhyme would have been consistent.
story: 3 - Very well constructed, building into a climax, nice punch line. Correct content without overly necessary descriptions. Good imagery, yes I drank it all the way down.
UoP: 2 - straightforward use of prompt. nothing less or more.
liking: 4 - This poem is, for me at least, a roasted pig with steaming flesh and fat dripping into the fire. Although once served on a plate it's less spectacular, but nonetheless a nice slice of meat.
Total: 12/13

Allara

I think you understand how to turn words into strings into meaningful lines. Every choice of words seems measured, careful applied, as in pointillism. Although the theme is mundane, it hinders not.
execution: 3 - Really hard to put comments here. Maybe change 'the lucky bastard' into 'the lucky one' so you can maintain the soft and gentle approach to what's basically a drinking game. I found that contrast/conflict appealing here. Also the flow of the poem kind of matches the twists and turns of a worm. Well done.
story: 2 - I found the poem a little long for my liking. I guess some lines are unnecessary, although hard to tell which ones. After a few, you can guess the setting and the narrator and then it drags a bit towards the end. But the end doesn't disappoint at all.
UoP: 2 - straightforward use of prompt. nothing less or more.
liking: 4 - As said in the intro, I like how the poem stretches itself into a string of beads, yet maintaining the flow, the story. nice job.
Total: 11/13

Verdict

This one is a hard one again. Choosing one above the other made me consider which aspect of a poem I find more important than another. I came to the conclusion that although I can appreciate the technical construction of a poem, it serves to deliver content. Winner is leakingpen by virtue of not writing the better poem, but the poem I savoured the most.


prompt: Detained

The Fiery Tower

Sadly no poem submitted

Weezer

Who hasn't built a cardboard castle when you were young? Thing is, when life starts to get complicated, we build the same castle of our own creation. Funny how that works out eh.
execution: 2 - Second line should have started with a capital. Same comment as for Szilard, I don't like to start lines all capital, especially when your punctuation approves sentences. But you're the poet not I. The poem is constructed as solid as a 4x4 stone castle. Good flow and rhythm.
story: 2 - I was afraid it would turn into a: "Honey, you are the key to open my castle" but luckily it didn't. It's not only about self-restraint, I also read it as if a talking mirror gives good advice. Oh wait, that's probably me to myself. "Get out of your safe spot!" This kind of multi-layering rocks my castle.
UoP: 2 - Prompt-use is obvious, and yet not something I expected. Maybe not too overly exotic or flashy, but hey, it all matches the same theme, right?
liking: 3 - As far as I can compare to other entries, I liked this one. Would probably deserve to go on another round.
Total: 9/13

Verdict

Winner is Weezer, win by default.

[Rakmakallan]

Whooooa, I had completely slipped my mind that the judging had started, being swamped with work. I'm at least glad Garwain posted his judgements first, so I can have some ideas for the criteria, given it's my first time.

[Garwain]

I guess everyone uses their own criteria. And it's my first time as well....

[Zjoot]

@Garwain:
I didn't actually put any asterix. Those must've shown up for some reason when I copied from my iPad to the forum. It's happened in the past, so I suppose I should've checked. I'll respond to the rest of the comments and maybe explain my thoughts with the poem later.

@Vaynor:
Can I edit the asterix out of my poem? Like I said, I'm not sure why they're in there, but I certainly didn't put them there.

[leakingpen]

@garwain

Technically, tequila IS made from juice of the flower of the agave, or the nectar. I was trying to say in the poem that even though the drink I was making was NOT tequila, i threw in a "worm" anyways. Depending on what the plant is from the well tilled garden (the bug with a lot of heart is a worm, which has ten of them) its more of an herbed vodka or rum. The branch loved by the green fairy is wormwood, an ingrediant in absinthe, among others. and that WAS supposed to be hairy, damn typos!

Thank you for the comments! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, it was actually more fun to make than a poem has been for me in a while.

[SaintRidley]

I'll have judgments up over the weekend, probably.

[SaintRidley]

I now use Judgment.

Halberd vs. The Grimmace: Inhibitor

Halberd - Beasts and GuardsI think you have a solid concept behind this poem, and the relationship to the prompt is very clear. I also like the choice of a defined form - sonnets are fun.

However, I think one of the things necessary to really making the sonnet work for you is strong word choice and a commitment to a particular meter. Your meter is a bit shaky in the first stanza, which causes some difficulty in placing stress in the proper place in the words. You use get a number of times, but it feels weak there. More evocative words would have strengthened the poem, I think.Also, some of your word order seems forced as a concession to the rhyme.
The Grimmace - InhibitorsI'm just going to ask right away, before anything else. Is there a reason for the asterisks in the last bit? I couldn't discern any particular reason, and they threw me a little at first. If they're meant to inhibit my reading, then my hat's off to you for playing with the prompt that way.

I like the way you blend a few different aspects into this, with seratonin and ambrosia. Reaction inhibitors was a very creative step, and I like it. Your word choice is certainly interesting, as ladling the Great Wall gives me a very strange but pleasant image to work with.

I do think, at times, the poem feels and reads a bit too clinical. I understand that as probably deliberate, due to the chemical aspect. It's still not the most pleasant mood, but what can you do. Sometimes that happens.
VerdictI'm giving this one to The Grimmace.


Dumbledore lives vs. Dimanite: Tenant

Dumbledore lives - ScrapsI like the mood of the poem. The nature of tenancy and its necessary temporariness is well expressed, and the feeling of something older, something more permanent, helps that. However, your first stanza comes on too strong with the horrors and parchment scraps, which really don't have much connection to the rest.

I think the poem would be served better without the first stanza at all and a change in title.
Dimonite - Apart-MentA decent play on words here, and I feel the title fits the poem well enough. You have some decent imagery, though I wish there was a bit more detail to evoke more there. I'm sorry to say that I'm not really feeling this one terribly much, as nice as it is.

VerdictUltimately, this one comes down to mood vs. image here, and I'm going to have to go with mood. Dumbledore lives.


The Fiery Tower vs. Weezer: Detained

The Fiery Tower - No poemThere is no poem. Nothing to see here. No need to leave this box open any longer, so please close it already.
Weezer - Self-RestraintIt's a shame you didn't get competition, since this is a very strong poem. Quite liking the refrain at the end of each stanza, too.
VerdictWeezer, by default.

Elvaris vs. Haruki-Kun: Tap

Elvaris - Temporal TerminationI like the play with the form here. Very abrupt lines, almost like each is a short burst of tapping with only an incidental relation to anything nearby. The abba rhyme scheme works, but you abandon the middle rhyme in stanza two in favor of a very slant rhyme, which I think weakens things a little in this case. There's just something here that I'm sure is obvious, but I'm completely not seeing it. The poem doesn't quite feel complete, I guess.
Haruki-Kun - TapWater, flow, and poetry. The poem moves very well with the material, the meter even being disrupted right before the thinker notes the disruption of the flow. I think this works really well for the prompt.

The transition from blaming to the disrupted flow is a bit abrupt, but works well enough. If I were being really picky, I'd suggest a few minor changes to the poem, but it's reasonably solide as is.
VerdictI'm going to give this one to Haruki-Kun, who I feel did a better job of marrying form and content in this one.

leakingpen vs. Alarra: Worm

leakingpen - Experiment in Yeast MinorA recipe done quite well, and funny too. I think you meant poured instead of pouted, but other than that, I feel this is a very strong poem. Very tricky with the slant rhymes in the last part of the recipe (they didn't feel like they were chosen just to get the appearance of a rhyme in), I quite enjoyed the play there, and bonus points for using swarthy. You hit a good emotional spot for me with the last line.
Alarra - MezcalFrom the worm's perspective, and nicely done at that. I rather like how you show the worm's distress and its strange little contained world. I don't wonder what might be missing here, nor do I have any suggestions for improvement. This is a very well-rounded poem, and it does everything I want it to do.
VerdictThis is a tough one. On the one hand, leakingpen created a very funny recipe and hit a good emotional note. On the other, Alarra's poem was similarly amusing, and I rather like the flipped perspective. They're both very good, and I wish both could go on to the next round. I'm going to go with Alarra. It was a tough decision, though, and either would be a great entry in any round.

Techwarrior vs. Szilard: Pugnacious


Techwarrior - Insomnia: Sanity, and the Lack ThereofThis is good, and I like the sparing use of rhyme. Very well done, and I am quite enthralled by your word choice. I don't have any major complaints.
Szilard - Pointless FightingI rather like the depiction of the prompt, particularly the ultimate pointlessness of the fight. In a strange way, this is a semi-free sonnet, and nicely flips the traditional romance of the form as well. I rather like this poem, after giving it a couple reads. I do feel a bit of a wish to have more to grab onto in it, though, as it feels so ethereal to me.
VerdictThis is tough, since I like both so much. I'm going to give this one to Techwarrior by a hair. I'd very much like to have both go on, but I have to choose. I really wish I didn't have to.


It was super-effective! The wild poets fainted!

[Zjoot]

@SaintRidley:
The asterisks sometimes show up when I paste from my iPad to the forum. No idea why.But thanks for the comments. And I know exactly what you mean. When I read it again a few days later I also found it a little clinical or maybe lacking in power a bit.

[Weezer]

@SaintRidley

Glad you like it. I'm actually surprised you did, I didn't feel this poem came out well, but couldn't come up with anything better. Thanks for the bit of an ego boost :smallbiggrin:

[Razanir]

Does anyone want to either:
1) Start a wait list of contestants, or
2) Start XVIII when this is halfway done and stagger them

This is the second Iron Poet in a row that I've missed entry for and I want to try it out, and I'm sure there are other people in the same position

[Szilard]

I'd say maybe a waitlist that'd be PMed for confirmation before the next one. I don't think there are enough people competing to warrant two staggaring competitions.

[Zjoot]

I like the idea of a wait list. We always have trouble getting enough contestants, so having some people to pm would be great.

[Garwain]

@garwain

Technically, tequila IS made from juice of the flower of the agave, or the nectar. I was trying to say in the poem that even though the drink I was making was NOT tequila, i threw in a "worm" anyways.

Thank you for the comments! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it, it was actually more fun to make than a poem has been for me in a while.
Since most of the distilled products are produced more or less the same, I was easily tricked into tequile while you intended not. Doesn't change the poem or theme for me.
And by the way, the agave only flowers once and then the stalk dies. So they trim the stalk to prevent that and harvest it's core. So, tequile comes from the juice from the flowerstalk, but not the flower. That's my google-fu at least.

[Dumbledore lives]

So is there any progress on this/final judgements?

[Rakmakallan]

My judgement still isn't up. Sorry, but I am caught up at the moment with exams and other obligations. I will try to post within 24 hours.

EDIT: I won't be able to make it, so if the honourable Vaynor could take up my responsibility for this round, I would be truly grateful. My schedule clear up a bit around the 25th and I'll be completely free in time for the third round.

[Szilard]

A bump in case Vaynor wasn't aware of the edit.

[Vaynor]

Indeed I was not. Thanks for the reminder. School starts up on Tuesday and I have lots to do, but I can put some votes in as usual without critiquing it. Should be done tomorrow.

And the winners of this round are:

Halberd
Dimonite
Weezer
Haruki-kun
leakingpen
Techwarrior

Iron Poet XVII: Round Two

This round's theme is transportation!

Prompt titles are the titles of the image as given by the artist, but are not relevant to this contest. Feel free to incorporate them if you wish, but the picture itself is your prompt.

leakingpen vs. Weezer: 165 (http://celilsezer.deviantart.com/art/165-349599233)
Halberd vs. Techwarrior: 164 (http://celilsezer.deviantart.com/art/164-349534273)
Haruki-kun vs. Dimonite: no title (http://arslanalp.deviantart.com/art/no-title-349572922)

Deadline: Monday, January 28th, 2013 at 11:59 pm (EST).

[Weezer]

Prompt (http://celilsezer.deviantart.com/art/165-349599233)

The Longshoreman

Out wild waves rush, as I wait upon the shore,
Wielding my rod and wondering what is the fate
of the small boat riding the white morning wind.

Close swoop the calling gulls, their dark forms cutting
solid grey clouds, while clarion cries signal
a captain departing from the harbor’s close.

Of all, I must abide, returning to my cast,
for mine is not to fly aloft, nor to travel across currents,
but apprehend by sight and sound, and to wonder.

[Haruki-kun]

Title: Awkward

Prompt (http://arslanalp.deviantart.com/art/no-title-349572922)

Oh, dear. It seems that I forgot my coat.
It's mine, you see. I'd like it back.
But darn, look at all those people there.

They see.
They hear.
They think.
They whisper.

I guess I do not really need,
that coat, that is just too much greed.
But then again, it is quite cold,
and these bones of mine are really old...

They see, they think, they hear, they whisper.

"Look, that fool, forgot his outfit!
What kind of man does such a thing?"
Why me, I do, I'm so sorry, I guess I didn't really think.

The whistle blows, it's not too late!
I could still find it, I'm sure they'll wait.

They see, they think, they hear, they whisper.

How does one get off the boat,
and not even bother to take his coat?

The man shouting "all aboard", I'm sure that I could still catch up.
My coat is there, he sure won't mind. Yet what is stopping me this time?

They see, they think, they hear they whisper.

The boat sets out, my clothing's gone.
And here I stand, freezing to the bone.
But at least I guess no one will say,
"remember that poor old man, that day?"

[Halberd]

Prompt (http://celilsezer.deviantart.com/art/164-349534273)

Transit

Have you ever spared a thought
For the man in the passing bus?
Who he is?
What he wants?
Who he loves?
And have you ever thought
That he might wonder the same things about you?
How strange these moments are,
These implicit transits of expression and guessing
Through the silent medium of plate glass.
And yet they last only a second,
For his bus is soon long gone.
And you are both left to return
To your own leagues in the rat race,
While pondering if the other really saw you
Or was too engrossed in his own thoughts to notice.

[leakingpen]

Prompt (http://celilsezer.deviantart.com/art/165-349599233)

Confused Peer from a Confusing Pier



Fishing from the deck of my ocean liner
Swaying with the occasional heavy wave
Never could there be any morning finer
Cloud, sky and water everything I could crave.

My rod whips out and the line whizzes away
Trawling behind me for a game fish or a shark
Boats putter by, on the waves they toss and sway
Hail on the bridge! They call, in jest or in lark.

Confused as I tell them, beware the long wake
I signal the steerman to turn and avoid
Every passing boat, for their own foolish sake
Lest they catch the tow and end up in the void.

It’s not a bridge, this long walk really can float.
It’s not an island, I know it’s a big boat.

[Dimonite]

Prompt (http://arslanalp.deviantart.com/art/no-title-349572922)

Title: Grayscale

Once, I thought I knew this land,
And believed this land knew me.
But now the earth grows dull and bland
As I'm filled with a vague ennui.

I've come and gone so many times,
Thinking worlds could never fall.
But everything I found sublime
Is crushed beneath a heavy pall.

Life gains speed as I slow down,
And time begins to slip away.
An eager smile becomes a frown,
As all around me turns to gray.

My ship has sailed, my time has fled,
I've no one but myself to blame.
I chose the weary path I tread,
To chase my empty dreams of fame.

[Techwarrior]

Using my extension.

Picture (http://celilsezer.deviantart.com/art/164-349534273)

Shades of Grey

Sitting in the same seat on the same old train
I go through the motions of what went before
Waiting for myself to come to terms with the fact
That you aren’t waiting for me anymore

The words on the pages have begun to fade
And the tears in my eyes refuse to fall
As I stare into pictures to relive the moments
Of times and places you can no longer recall

The daisies in my lap a forgotten keepsake
As the sensation of numbness courses throughout
I walk through doors; pass people I don’t know
They avert their eyes, knowing what this is about

I sit on your bedside
Forgotten keepsakes in my lap
As I stumble over words
Your body caught in its own trap

I ramble about things that have no meaning
As the pictures in my mind start to fade away
And I whisper tears of the times long gone
As the memories fade into shades of grey

[leakingpen]

:fist pump: all six in! woot.

[Dimonite]

:fist pump: all six in! woot.

I almost didn't make it - I had bucketloads of homework last night. But I put some of that off, hoping that my History class would let out early so I could print off the Letter to the Editor I needed to in a timely fashion. Turns out it did let out early, and I have the luck of a god.

[Garwain]

So here's my judging. I dropped the point system, didn't do what I wanted anyway. And shorter review this time due to lack of time.

prompt: 165

leakingpen
I like the twist and how the title reveals it. I think it's a clever written poem with a good narrative.
execution: solid as an ocean liner! Only the fourth line broke as a wave on the pier.
story: I can really see the fisherman and almost smell the salt.
UoP: It feels like you invoke the prompt picture instead of the the prompt invoked the poem.
liking: I liked it a lot, even though the visual prompt steers you in a direction, I could just as easily pick up the same atmosphere from the poem. Well done.

Weezer
execution: I can almost hear the waves and gulls through the poem due to the alliterations used, especially the first 5 lines. Then you had to round up the story, which causes the rest of the poem not to have the same level of power.
story: Ah yes, the fisherman, alone with his cast and patience. I think I might like fishing, but never did it.
UoP: Clear link, no comments.
liking: Nice poem, I wished there were more lines to enjoy!

Verdict
I think Weezer gave me a little chocolate I could melt in my mouth, slowly savouring the lines. leakingpen provided a healthy snack I'd eat any day.
Winner is leakingpen by virtue of making slightly better use of the prompt. All other criteria I couldn't decide on. It's a coward's decission.


prompt: 164

Halberd
execution: I think story was primary? I like to see more stucture instead of freeform. Personal liking ofcourse.
story: Sometimes only a tiny moment is sufficient to make a connection with a stranger. I think that's remarkable. And that's the feeling you described very much to my liking.
UoP: I guess the picture is a train, not a bus. Disqualified! jk... I totally got the 'implicit transits of expression and guessing' connection. Strong choice of words.
liking: I'm in doubt here between 'I like' or 'I like a lot'. I guess my expectations were maybe too high.

Techwarrior

I never have to opportunity to choose my seat on the train :(
execution: No real comments here. 'forgotten keepsake', that's hard to clobber into rhyme or flow, which you conveniently worked around, but hey, it works.
story: Have you ever spared a thought for the (wo)man with the daisies in hirs lap? Well, it seems like (s)he needs a comforting hug.
UoP: Yes, the drama, the greyness the monotonous train. I could see it all. I was kind of expecting at least one contestant to mimic the hammering of a passing train, but this works just a well.
liking: I read it a few times and it didn't become better after a few readings. Maybe because I liked it already?

Verdict
Although Halberd had some very strong words (implicit transits of expression and guessing), it wasn't enough to beat Techwarrior who managed to get me more emotionaly involved.


prompt: no title

Haruki-kun
execution: You probably have you own reasons why the repeat line is broken into four while elsewhere not. It definitly puts an emphasis on the inner 'insecurity', so for me that works. It also seems like you only rhyme when convenient. With some minor tweeks, I feel you could get more out of it.
story: While the picture shows him with jacket, I was entertained by your short story. Will he get it on time or not? <insert Elan tune>
UoP: I was NOT expecting this angle, but I think it's a nice take on the prompt!
liking: Although I commented on the rhyming, it's still a poem that's easy to like.

Dimonite
execution: Solid execution, although I'd avoid all capitals, but that's just me. This poem was written with 50gp to spare for masterwork tools.
story: The elders who are way past their midlife crisis see that life gains speed while they slow down. In fact, this seems to be the truth! The notion of time is relative to the observer. Recent research shows that the older you get, to faster time appears to flow. Instead of slowing down, time speeds up. Crazy world huh.
UoP: Of all contestant, you managed to do something more than going into the imagery. You managed to pull some wisdom out of it. A+ here.
liking: Definitly like this poem, it's well crafted, delivers a telling story while lifting the prompt to a higher level by linking it to the fundamentals of life (aka your boat has sailed, sorry old chap).

Verdict
Although I liked both poems, I feel that Haruki-kun's poem was a breeze, light-hearted and fun. Winner is Dimonite however by virtue of overclassing on all aspects.

[leakingpen]

wow... compared to a meal..umm... hm. I'd taste horrible! Just saying (please don't eat me)

[Rakmakallan]

Judgements finished.

Introductory note
Before setting out to use a non-verbal prompt, especially one that is a piece of another artist, I believe it is crucial to research them and their background in order to avoid wild discrepancies from the original intentions, which, to me at least, indicate incorrect usage of the prompt.

prompt: 165

Weezer
Overall, I loved this poem. Proper use of the prompt, clear and evocative imagery and clear references to all the elements in the photo. Only minor questions here, why is the wind white (contrast with the shapes of the gulls?), and what is the point of sensory deprivation to exclusively sight and sound (as opposed to a briny, oily smell of the harbor; I would guess diverting them to momentary introspection) One thing that confused me for a while was the rhythm of the poem. In spite of being free verse, it tends to naturally ease into a fickle rhythm, particularly in the verse where intonation is aided by commas, but then come verses that ruin it, such as the second to last “nor to travel across currents” or “wondering what is the fate”, one excess syllable in both cases.

leakingpen
There's not much I can say about this poem, from the title already it sets a whimsical mood. The execution is almost flawless, both in terms of technique (the 11-syllable verse, though unconventional, work very nicely here and the rhymes are well-thought and varied. However, some of the punctuation I feel is missing, for example in semicolon to divide the 4th verse) and wording. My complaint is how it drifts away in prompt use, from a fisherman-centric approach to a dialogue with the boat passengers.

Verdict
Having seen a great effort from both contestants, I have to resort to nitpicks to choose a winner. Weezer wins, by virtue of a more spartan approach which makes his poem more accessible.



prompt: 164

Halberd
I cast a glance at Garwain's judgments and indeed, it's a train. The “implicit transits” work better for a train speeding away. I have nothing to deplore here, with one striking exception. The choice of words “rat race”, based on my introductory comment about prompt context. Your choice of words seems imho inconsistent with the old lady in a grimy train in Istanbul, who would instead evoke in me thoughts about refugees and population transfers, based on the history of the region. Beyond that, for some inexplicable reason, I really like it. It conveys one of those “everyone does it but no one ever talks about it” moments, with affectionate feelings and an unhindered, easy flow.

Techwarrior
I feel like you took some liberty with the prompt. Even though the story concocted captures the isolation and sorrow culminating in the shades of gray, I can't help but think it gradually strays away from the original intent, taking a life of its own and ending feeling incomplete. I don't know whether this is from having said too little or having opened an entirely new narration by saying too much. The forms are used reasonably well, and capture the mid-20th century old couple atmosphere, when one of them departs. All in all, a solid attempt to convey the emotions.

Verdict
My vote goes to Halberd, since I feel his work was more complete and contained to the prompt.



prompt: no title

Haruki-kun
I don't have much to say here. It's probably the most interesting take on the prompt during this round, the sociopathic obsession with the thoughts of the bystanders. The rhyme feels forced at some points, but adds a sense of obsessive-compulsiveness in the train of thought.

Dimonite
A simple structure and accurate in word choice about the stasis that comes with unrealised dreams and old age. Kudos for noticing the man and the ship traveling in opposite directions, but going to my introductory comment once again, how do you base the assumption it was a “dream of fame” untouched, rather than being battered by life that brought the man to this state. I might be speaking from preconceptions here, but appearances suggest imho the latter.

Verdict
Dimonite wins in technique and style, but Haruki-kun's poem caught my eye from the very first read and reminded of some early-20th comedic poetry I've encountered in the past, thus getting my vote. Hard decision nevertheless.


That's all folks. I delayed and by a half a day, since I wanted to return and reread the poems to ensure all judgements were rationally founded and justified. I hope I have not displeased anyone horribly with my first attempt at judging.

[SaintRidley]

I'll have judgments in a day or two.

[Weezer]

prompt: 165
Weezer
Overall, I loved this poem. Proper use of the prompt, clear and evocative imagery and clear references to all the elements in the photo. Only minor questions here, why is the wind white (contrast with the shapes of the gulls?), and what is the point of sensory deprivation to exclusively sight and sound (as opposed to a briny, oily smell of the harbor; I would guess diverting them to momentary introspection) One thing that confused me for a while was the rhythm of the poem. In spite of being free verse, it tends to naturally ease into a fickle rhythm, particularly in the verse where intonation is aided by commas, but then come verses that ruin it, such as the second to last “nor to travel across currents” or “wondering what is the fate”, one excess syllable in both cases.


About using "white morning wind", it was to maintain the alliteration mostly. Throughout the poem I tried to make heavy use of relatively structured alliteration (well technically assonance for the last verse), a technique I haven't really used previously in any of my poetry, and white morning wind worked well. I also felt it was evocative of the feel you sometimes get from wind, I know it has no color, but sometimes I get that harsh, almost blindingly bright feel from some windy days. As for keeping it just to sight and sound, it's just the feeling I got from the photo. For whatever reason I didn't get any sense of smell or taste from it.

I agree with your last point about the rhythm. I had a lot of trouble trying to get those lines to fit rhythmically, while still keeping the story and feel of the words right. Though now that I look at "for mine is not to fly aloft, nor to travel across currents" with a fresh eye, just cutting out the second "to" would make the line work.

[Dimonite]

@Rakmakallan:
I'll admit I didn't research it, (and I would argue the necessity of research over the primal visual connection, but that's not the point here) but one of the things I thought a lot about when I was writing this was how this man had been battered by life. To my eye, he seemed to have the expression of someone who has aimed high and fallen far. That, coupled with my own existential dread about the future in my chosen profession of acting, lead me to take some creative license with the exact details of the man's story in order to incorporate a subject I could connect with more on an emotional level. Anyway, I hope that explains it well enough, but feel free to ask me more if I'm just rambling without making sense. And, of course, thank you for judging - even if you did vote against me. :smalltongue:

@Garwain:
Thank you for your kind words, good sir. I tend to be my own worst critic (as I hear many others are, as well) and it's nice to get some assurance that I'm doing something right, at least. :smallbiggrin:

[leakingpen]

rakmakallan
Glad you liked it! I fail to see how the conversation with the boat passengers is moving away from the prompt? He's yelling at the boat out in the water, in the prompt picture.

[SaintRidley]

And Judgment.

Prompt 165 (http://celilsezer.deviantart.com/art/165-349599233)
Weezer - The LongshoremanThe imagery is quite lovely, and I like the light touch of alliterative structure here, though it doesn't quite hold in every line. It gets a little fuzzy when you use forms in line 4, like you're avoiding a more definite image. Very Germanic rhythm (remember - Germanic alliterative verse does not pattern nicely to the Graeco-Roman types that define and limit most European poetry). I like that.
leakingpen - Confused Peer from a Confusing PierI like sonnets. You have a relatively consistent rhythm, though there's a hiccough in line 6 (removing the article before shark would have solved that). Good, clear imagery, but I feel like I'm missing the turn.
VerdictTough decision, but I'm going to give this one to Weezer.


Prompt 164 (http://celilsezer.deviantart.com/art/164-349534273)
Halberd - TansitI'll be honest, I first assumed the figure in the picture was a woman, so I was thrown by your pronoun choice. I rather like the freedom of the verse and especially the way you force the reader into a role of responsibility in this poem. Very nicely controlled.
Techwarrior - Shades of GreyNice use of rhyme, and for the most part the rhythm holds well. I see the fourth stanza as almost like a turn in a sonnet, here represented by the abrupt change in rhythm. Whispering tears got my attention, but mostly left me confused. I'm really not sure what to think about this poem.
VerdictHalberd. I couldn't find anything I didn't like here.


Prompt no title (http://arslanalp.deviantart.com/art/no-title-349572922)
Haruki-kun - AwkwardYou have some fun use of refrain and rhyme here, though at times I think the rhyme feels a little forced ("[...] he sure won't mind. Yet what is stopping me this time?" for instance). There's story, internal conflict. Nicely done.
Dimonite - GrayscaleContemplative is the word I want to apply to your poem. Good, solid rhythm, though it comes short by a half foot in a couple spots. The feel, though, just doesn't quite come off right for me.
VerdictHaruki-kun

[Weezer]

@SaintRidley

Glad you liked the poem. Also, you really think it has a Germannic feel? That's actually kind of what I was aiming for.
I've been reading up on old German and Norse alliterative verse and while I don't have her grasp of the form enough to get the metrical form correct (the caesuras espetripped me up) , I did try to get the feel as best as I could.

[SaintRidley]

@SaintRidley

Glad you liked the poem. Also, you really think it has a Germannic feel? That's actually kind of what I was aiming for.
I've been reading up on old German and Norse alliterative verse and while I don't have her grasp of the form enough to get the metrical form correct (the caesuras espetripped me up) , I did try to get the feel as best as I could.

It's actually my area of study (and my preferred verse style for my own poetry), so yeah. It's definitely got a Germanic feel to its rhythm. It's not perfectly Germanic - there are a small number of acceptable halfline alliterative patterns, and the last strong beat is never part of the main alliterative structure of the line (at least in Old English verse). If you'd like to read a little more about the structure of the alliterative line in Old English, I recommend chapter 13 of Peter Baker's Introduction to Old English. I think you succeeded, especially if it's a first attempt.

[Weezer]

It's actually my area of study (and my preferred verse style for my own poetry), so yeah. It's definitely got a Germanic feel to its rhythm. It's not perfectly Germanic - there are a small number of acceptable halfline alliterative patterns, and the last strong beat is never part of the main alliterative structure of the line (at least in Old English verse). If you'd like to read a little more about the structure of the alliterative line in Old English, I recommend chapter 13 of Peter Baker's Introduction to Old English. I think you succeeded, especially if it's a first attempt.

Thanks for the reccomendation, I'll be sure to check it out.

[Vaynor]

So our winners are:

Halberd
Haruki-kun
Weezer

Iron Poet XVII: Round 3

Halberd vs. Haruki-kun vs. Weezer: Imperfectly

Deadline: Sunday, February 17th at 11:59 pm (EST).

To solve the problem of each judge potentially voting for each participant, I'm going to ask the judges to rank their choices 1-3 with first place getting 3 points, second place getting 2 points, and third place getting 1 point.

[leakingpen]

congrats guys, looking forward to reading the finals!

[Halberd]

Prompt: Imperfectly

Unfinished

A young man has a brilliant thought,
His masterpiece-to-be,
And starts to write ideas down
To set his spirit free.

He fills it with the dreams of youth,
His talent and ambition,
But after many months of work
He's stopped by indecision.

Now middle-aged, he starts again
Supported by his trade.
He can't believe the trite mistakes
His younger self has made.

He cuts out parts that please him not,
And edits those that do.
Then changes his mind once again,
And starts a part anew.

The old man still works on his art,
Perfection is his aim.
Yet each time that he thinks it's his,
Perfection's not the same.

Reworked it till he turned to ash-
He tried until, they say,
It, almost perfect, died with him,
Never seeing light of day.

[Weezer]

I'm really sorry about this, but I'm not going to be able to get a poem done for this round. I've got like 4 half finished ones scattered about on my desk, but the prompt just isn't working for me and everything I'm coming up with is pretty awful. Sorry for pulling out.

[Haruki-kun]

I'm using my extension, Vaynor. I'll do my best to get it in.

Done.

Imperfectly

Okay, alright, I got this thing.
I feel so sure now, I could sing!
Write down, sketch up, game on, face-off,
I'll show you, you can't be so tough.

Oh, dear, I guess I missed that part,
no matter, I can work, it's art.
But wait, there's more, I know I could-
Well, I guess that I could use some food.

My plan, it's perfect, just wait and see-
Oh, shoot! A headache! Well, poor me!
Oh, well, I guess I'll skip this part.
I'll fix it, don't fret! I know I'm smart...

Wait, did you say...? I must have misheard
Or maybe it's just my mind's a bit blurred.
No, no, don't worry! I'm, doing just fine!
Now, if I could only draw this straight line.

Alright, well, it isn't straight,
but then, it doesn't have much weight!
Ah, there we go, I drew over it,
It looks alright if it's not well-lit...

Fine, it's true! I'm not the best,
but my skills are still rather blessed!
And here we go, my finished piece!
Hope no one will notice the staining grease...

Imperfect, that's the word,
does not mean "bad", don't be absurd.
Imperfect, that's how this looks.
Don't give me that stare! It's all in the books!

[Vaynor]

I'm really sorry about this, but I'm not going to be able to get a poem done for this round. I've got like 4 half finished ones scattered about on my desk, but the prompt just isn't working for me and everything I'm coming up with is pretty awful. Sorry for pulling out.

Funnily enough, 4 unfinished poems might have worked pretty well for the prompt.

[Garwain]

An imperfect but finished Judgement

prompt: Imperfectly

Halberd

I smell the aphorism: "Perfection is the enemy of good".
execution: Again, all capitals, not my cup of tea. But other than that no remarks. It flows well enough and no need to break my mouth.
story: This is exactly what I had for the prompt. The general idea has been a part of my signature for quite a while too. Needless to say, I relate very well to the story. I think all elements are there for a good read.
UoP: See above. Or see my signature.
liking: You deliver a final worthy poem.

Haruki-kun

A true artist knows right away when to stop fiddling. A wannabe artist needs fiddling to get it right.
execution: I wasn't thrilled with your first rhyme (thing-sing) but luckily then there are some beautiful ones later on. Nonetheless, I think the deadline produced some hammered rhymes (I'm looking at the '...mind's a bit blurred'). The style however matches perfectly the indecission (or incompetence?) and that makes it all good.
story: "Fly like the eagle or scratch with the chickens." Yes, more often than I'd like, I come up with something clearly imperfect without knowing how to make it better. For me, the poem tells this story.
UoP: You have the same 'metaphysical' take on the prompt as Halberd, so everything I've written there also counts here. Style helps even more.
liking: There is definitly more humor in this one, and I read it with pleasure.

Verdict
while Halberd focussed more on the 'indecission' leading to Imperfectly, Haruki-kun angles more towards 'incompetence'. I like both because I possess both. Haruki-kun presents his poem in a style suited best for the prompt, but it felt a bit hastly done. Winner is Halberd by virtue of a more polished poem.

[Weezer]

Funnily enough, 4 unfinished poems might have worked pretty well for the prompt.

Way to have a good idea I wish I had thought of myself...

[Haruki-kun]

An imperfect but finished Judgement

prompt: Imperfectly

Halberd

I smell the aphorism: "Perfection is the enemy of good".
execution: Again, all capitals, not my cup of tea. But other than that no remarks. It flows well enough and no need to break my mouth.
story: This is exactly what I had for the prompt. The general idea has been a part of my signature for quite a while too. Needless to say, I relate very well to the story. I think all elements are there for a good read.
UoP: See above. Or see my signature.
liking: You deliver a final worthy poem.

Haruki-kun

A true artist knows right away when to stop fiddling. A wannabe artist needs fiddling to get it right.
execution: I wasn't thrilled with your first rhyme (thing-sing) but luckily then there are some beautiful ones later on. Nonetheless, I think the deadline produced some hammered rhymes (I'm looking at the '...mind's a bit blurred'). The style however matches perfectly the indecission (or incompetence?) and that makes it all good.
story: "Fly like the eagle or scratch with the chickens." Yes, more often than I'd like, I come up with something clearly imperfect without knowing how to make it better. For me, the poem tells this story.
UoP: You have the same 'metaphysical' take on the prompt as Halberd, so everything I've written there also counts here. Style helps even more.
liking: There is definitly more humor in this one, and I read it with pleasure.

Verdict
while Halberd focussed more on the 'indecission' leading to Imperfectly, Haruki-kun angles more towards 'incompetence'. I like both because I possess both. Haruki-kun presents his poem in a style suited best for the prompt, but it felt a bit hastly done. Winner is Halberd by virtue of a more polished poem.



Aye, unfortunately you're right. My poem was hastily done with less than an hour left before the extended deadline. I basically forced myself to have something to enter the contest with, because I would have hated to make it to the final round and lose for no entry.

Even then, I feel pretty happy with how the poem turned out, but I admit that Halberd's is definitely superior, and so I will not be sad if he ends up winning. Thanks for your critique and advice. :smallsmile:

[Halberd]

An imperfect but finished Judgement

prompt: Imperfectly

Halberd

I smell the aphorism: "Perfection is the enemy of good".
execution: Again, all capitals, not my cup of tea. But other than that no remarks. It flows well enough and no need to break my mouth.
story: This is exactly what I had for the prompt. The general idea has been a part of my signature for quite a while too. Needless to say, I relate very well to the story. I think all elements are there for a good read.
UoP: See above. Or see my signature.
liking: You deliver a final worthy poem.

Haruki-kun

A true artist knows right away when to stop fiddling. A wannabe artist needs fiddling to get it right.
execution: I wasn't thrilled with your first rhyme (thing-sing) but luckily then there are some beautiful ones later on. Nonetheless, I think the deadline produced some hammered rhymes (I'm looking at the '...mind's a bit blurred'). The style however matches perfectly the indecission (or incompetence?) and that makes it all good.
story: "Fly like the eagle or scratch with the chickens." Yes, more often than I'd like, I come up with something clearly imperfect without knowing how to make it better. For me, the poem tells this story.
UoP: You have the same 'metaphysical' take on the prompt as Halberd, so everything I've written there also counts here. Style helps even more.
liking: There is definitly more humor in this one, and I read it with pleasure.

Verdict
while Halberd focussed more on the 'indecission' leading to Imperfectly, Haruki-kun angles more towards 'incompetence'. I like both because I possess both. Haruki-kun presents his poem in a style suited best for the prompt, but it felt a bit hastly done. Winner is Halberd by virtue of a more polished poem.



Many thanks for the positive critique, Garwain. I actually didn't think it was that polished (a couple of forced rhymes, especially the feminine rhyme of "ambition" with "indecision"). Still, it took a good solid hour to write and edit, which was definitely more than my others usually take (the second-round poem only took me around fifteen minutes), so I suppose a good deal of effort went into it.
Still, it's kind of exciting and frightening to think that I might actually win this entire thing, given the talent of the three poets I was up against.

[Garwain]

To Haruki-kun:

I reread my judgement on Haruki-kun and feel the need to emphasize that I'm talking about the 'artist' in general, not the particular artist of the poem. I critique the poem, not the poet. Just wanted to make that clear...

[Haruki-kun]

*snip*

No offense taken or felt, I understood what you meant. :smallsmile:

You may want to spoiler that, though.

[SaintRidley]

Judgment


Halberd: UnfinishedYou have pitch perfect rhyme and a very insistent meter in this poem. It's good, and fun, and funny. Definitely a worthy final entry.
Weezer: no poemThere is no poem here. I'm sad.
Haruki-kun: ImperfectlyOkay, I have to say the slant rhymes originally put me off, but that's largely due to personal feelings about having every rhyme involved in a rhyme scheme. The meter also felt like it stuttered in a couple places, so I wasn't sure I was quite liking it. Overall, though, very good.
Verdict:I am still going to give out points as was arranged at the beginning of this round.

Weezer gets 1 point because I'm going to take the lack of entry as a metacommentary on writing as a perfectionist art.
Halberd gets 2 points because he delivered a very good poem. However, it feels almost too polished to properly address the prompt. The content is there, but the form could be put to better use in support.
Haruki-kun gets 3 points and my vote for winner for a poem that merges both form and content to address the prompt in a fun and creative way.

[Rakmakallan]

Please excuse the delay. I'll have judgements up within 48 hours at most, possibly within the day.

[Halberd]

Well, it's been almost a week and we still haven't heard from Rakamakalian yet. Vaynor, could you do the honors of being the tiebreaker?

[Rakmakallan]

Sorry for the delay. I have a quick judgement prepared, but don't expect much, as I've been swamped lately.


Halberd
It took me a few reads to appreciate the whole poem. In terms of technique, it's a nigh-perfect iambic heptametric, only marred by the fourth verse' rime (do-anew). I don't know whether it would be better if each every 2 lines were fused into one, though it is a personal preference, due to a bias towards political verse (blank iambic 15syllable). Thematically, I can find no fault as well. At first I thought you were really stretching the prompt, about how one's life's work can be imperfect, as it is regarded so with every re-examination after the passing of years. Then it occurred to me to look at it under the assumption that life itself is imperfect and this opened up a few interesting viewpoints.

Haruki-kun
I don't know whether it was done on purpose, but the very structure and execution of the poem captures the prompt. It's rhythm and rime done imperfectly, jumping from a fixed 8 syllables to 9 or 10 and from strong rimes to weaker ones, lending it a very amusing sense of spontaneity, especially being a sort of internal monologue. A few complaints are a few elements feel forced (eg "I feel so sure now, I could sing" is imho a bit non-sensical, as if there only to fit the rime) and at times the poem conveys "procrastination" instead of "imperfection".

Verdict
Haruki'kun's poem brings a wide grin to my face as I look at my own botched and patched-up work, from which I took a break to write this judgement, and I read it repeatedly like a catchy tune. However, round goes to Halberd, due to more consistent execution and overall solemnity which I felt the prompt deserved.

[Vaynor]

Congratulations to Halberd, winner of Iron Poet XVII!

New thread will be up shortly.