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navar100
2013-02-21, 10:15 AM
Fair is fair

1) If in a dungeon there is a very large diamond singled out in description, it is not meant for you to keep as treasure. It will be a key of some sort that disappears when used.

2) If in a dungeon you find a very large treasure hoard filled with thousands of coins and gems that you cannot carry away, ignore it. It is not treasure for you. It was never meant to be treasure. The DM is teasing you. You can say you'll come back later for it but you won't. You will have to leave the dungeon in a hurry if you don't otherwise teleport out or go through a portal.

3) Mistrust all fountains and statues.

4) Never release a prisoner in a magical cell.

5) Never Wish. You will get screwed over no matter what.

6) If you are looking for an object or information and an NPC you never met before approaches you and acts like your BFF to give you the exact object or information you are looking for, do not trust that NPC at all.

Thialfi
2013-02-21, 10:42 AM
7. If given the gift of a magical boon via spring, fountain, fruit or what have you, never, ever go back for seconds.


You also need to amend 3 to say "statues will always come to life and attack the party".

Raimun
2013-02-21, 10:54 AM
7. When in doubt, set something in fire.
8. You can kill it. Just attack it. Hehheh...
10. Don't touch anything. Carry a ten feet pole. Better yet, make someone else carry and use the pole.

GnomeFighter
2013-02-21, 11:25 AM
11) If you check for traps there won't be one. Traps only appear when you forget to check.

12) The more the GM says "it is not a competative game" the more he is trying to "win".

13) Never ask for back story. This just upsets the GM, unless the GM has backstory, in which case he will already have told you without asking. In long boaring detail. No matter how much you complain.

14) If the GM says "You THINK you can do that" what he means is "You may think you can, but you realy can't, and finding that out is going to hurt. Allot."

15) GM's seem to think that just because they made something and understand it everyone else should find it as blindingly obvious as them. They are wrong. Don't be upset when the GM trys to pin this on you.

16) No matter what the GM says loot everything in site. It is all fair game and he will only complain when you don't and you miss some plot vital item.

NikitaDarkstar
2013-02-21, 11:38 AM
17) Don't worry about encumbrance rules, no one pays attention to them anyway.

18) NEVER wonder out loud how much all your gold and loot weighs, encumbrance rules will come into play faster than a falling rock.

hymer
2013-02-21, 11:50 AM
9: It's the DM's responsibility to know the rules and do all the prep work.
9b: You don't have any responsibilities.
9c: Showing up on time is bad form.
9d: Don't take notes, don't delete things from your sheet, don't keep track of penalties to your stats.
9e: If it's important enough and you insist on not doing it, the DM will eventually start doing it for you. Just keep an eye out for bonuses so you can complain and accuse the DM of cheating if he forgets one.

navar100
2013-02-21, 12:28 PM
19) The Listen skill is only 25% useful. When you ask for a Listen check, it's useless. You'll never know what it is you want listen for - the number and types of creatures in an area a distance away or behind a door. If you hear anything that's not a creature it's a drip or a vague grinding. When the DM asks for a Listen check, either he's truly rolling for surprise or it's nothing and he's just trying to make you paranoid.

20) Track is useless. When following a trail, you will eventually lose it because the DM doesn't want you to find the creature or otherwise arrive at your destination precisely when the DM wants you to. If you want to identify creatures and their numbers in an area, you will only know if the DM wanted you to know in the first place. Otherwise, you only get a vague response. If you don't use tracking, you'll eventually get to where the adventure is anyway. If the DM wanted you to know what creatures did something, an NPC will tell you.

Another_Poet
2013-02-21, 12:39 PM
11) If you check for traps there won't be one. Traps only appear when you forget to check.

12) The more the GM says "it is not a competative game" the more he is trying to "win".

13) Never ask for back story. This just upsets the GM, unless the GM has backstory, in which case he will already have told you without asking. In long boaring detail. No matter how much you complain.

14) If the GM says "You THINK you can do that" what he means is "You may think you can, but you realy can't, and finding that out is going to hurt. Allot."

15) GM's seem to think that just because they made something and understand it everyone else should find it as blindingly obvious as them. They are wrong. Don't be upset when the GM trys to pin this on you.

16) No matter what the GM says loot everything in site. It is all fair game and he will only complain when you don't and you miss some plot vital item.

GnomeFighter, you.... really need to get a new GM.

OverdrivePrime
2013-02-21, 02:24 PM
21) Your friend the wizard is going to accidentally fireball everyone in melee every single opportunity he gets, unless you specifically remind him about the radius of his spells.

22) Never, ever trust a rogue. Especially when they're on your side.

23) When the DM goes to great pains describing how attractive or sexy an NPC is, put up every mind-shielding spell you can and stay the frell away from them.

Erik Vale
2013-02-21, 04:35 PM
23) Unless it's that sort of game, your character is asexual, and if it is that sort, you probably should be anyway. And if that is not the case, have it written down that your character is into something that no one would ever think of. Because otherwise, when your character is seen to be to powerful or to wealthy, you will meet a buxom barmaid/thief/con-artist or succubus.

24) Never sleep with the buxom barmaid.
24 Collarary) Princesses, Bartenders, Hookers and all others that are normal targets for romance are also off the table.
24B) You need a reason, take a moment to consider your character suffering from a disease [Did do that to a player] or being robbed or being killed by succubus/incubus.

25) If you spring a surprise on a DM, expect him to spring one on you.

26) Breaking the campaign is fround upon, breaking a character is funny, keepo that in mind.

27) It's a trap. Doesn't matter what it is, its a trap. Your character just happens to be stupid and a adrenilen junkie, don't worry, your character will learn.

Lord Il Palazzo
2013-02-21, 05:00 PM
3) Mistrust all fountains and statues.3.1) Especially if the DM goes on about how lifelike the statues are.

28) The more often a running gag comes up, the more tempeted the DM is to subvert it.

29) The more description something gets, the more important it is. The "door on the south wall" isn't meant to provoke more curiosity than the "sturdy oak door with a frame carved in the likeness of a coiling serpent with rubies for eyes and a silver handle polished to a mirror shine" in the north wall.
29.1) Once you catch on to this, expect the DM to reverse it regularly.

30) If all plot threads lead into some new and unusual environment, beware! The DM just noticed all the cool monsters in the Monster Manual that live in an environment you never go to. Those underwater ruins are going to be full of all the giant sharks, sahuagins, aboleths and krakens your DM can squeeze into them.

Raimun
2013-02-21, 05:44 PM
31. Creative thinking, while encouraged, is also frowned upon.

Kaveman26
2013-02-21, 05:47 PM
32. If you see a chest at the end of a hallway and it is visible, that chest is a mimic...shoot it.
32A. Mimic's can also pose as doorways, don't get cocky or the door mimic will get you.

Raimun
2013-02-21, 05:49 PM
33. In same vein... See the floor, walls, the ceiling, the empty door way and that cloak over there? They're actually monsters. Bones will spring to unlife. And those objects? Animated.

Lord Torath
2013-02-21, 05:55 PM
34. And if you start doing the sensible thing and listening at doors before opening them, an Ear Seeker will be on the next door you encounter.

NikitaDarkstar
2013-02-21, 06:25 PM
35. Coincidentally, leave the bookshelves to the wizard. If you try to read ANYTHING there it will turn out to be an explosive rune, animated book/book mimic, curse you, drive you insane or otherwise booby-trapped.

35b. This goes double, triple and quadruple if you're playing with sanity points.

navar100
2013-02-21, 06:25 PM
35. Only an NPC can get wealthy running a business.

Amidus Drexel
2013-02-21, 06:27 PM
37. When the DM says "Are you sure?", it isn't a challenge.
38. Anything that can be made into a pun, will be made into a pun. Things that cannot be made into puns will die in a manner that can be made into a pun.

Shoot Da Moon
2013-02-22, 06:48 AM
39) Illiteracy is bad. Unless the GM makes you, never make a character who does not know how to read, and be sure to encourage the rest of the party to do likewise. Never hire an illiterate hireling. Your GM WILL notice any illiteracy, and thus make sure that avoiding harm or receiving some kind of benefit will depend on a character reading something.

DigoDragon
2013-02-22, 08:08 AM
40. Be a team player. The group is there to have fun together, so unless everyone is okay with PvP, try to have your character show a little professionalism when the party is on a mission. :smallsmile:

Unseenmal
2013-02-22, 08:16 AM
41. Murder/Maim/Kill all Kenders on sight. No exceptions.
41.B ESPECIALLY if they are party members

42. Don't panic

GnomeFighter
2013-02-22, 08:37 AM
GnomeFighter, you.... really need to get a new GM.

Dno't worry, my list wasn't 100% serious :)

erikun
2013-02-22, 08:45 AM
This thread reads like a bullet-list for the worst GM ever. :smalltongue:

Synovia
2013-02-22, 09:15 AM
This thread reads like a bullet-list for the worst GM ever. :smalltongue:

Yeah, this.

Get a better DM OP.

navar100
2013-02-22, 09:43 AM
Oh please.

I get criticized yet this http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=272409 is apparently A.O.K.

It's called a joke.

Kurald Galain
2013-02-22, 09:46 AM
When the DM asks, "Are you sure you want to do that?" Then the answer is no, you're not, and you definitely want to do something else.

Synovia
2013-02-22, 09:53 AM
{{scrubbed}}

RolandDeschain
2013-02-22, 09:58 AM
{{scrubbed}}

navar100
2013-02-22, 12:46 PM
44) A DM and Player passing notes is never a good sign. Even if the note is blank they're counting on you to metagame and become paranoid. However, this is not always to mean something sinister. It could be an Honest True legitimate note for something only that particular character can know about at the moment, but it's bad news even if for said character; hence, not a good sign.

oxybe
2013-02-22, 12:57 PM
44a) any note passing should be done via email, in private. far less likely to get people meddling in your affairs that way

Slipperychicken
2013-02-22, 05:51 PM
21) Your friend the wizard is going to accidentally fireball everyone in melee every single opportunity he gets, unless you specifically remind him about the radius of his spells.


21a) Friends forbid friends from fireballing friends.

[Alliteration x6 combo!]

Kazyan
2013-02-22, 07:28 PM
15) GM's seem to think that just because they made something and understand it everyone else should find it as blindingly obvious as them. They are wrong. Don't be upset when the GM trys to pin this on you.

This is called the "Illusion of Transparency", and it applies to everyone. It's why no one understands how your build works from a glance at your class and feats, it's why RAI is such a mystery, and it's why you can get away with shenanigans until the last minute when you reveal what you're doing.

Triaxx
2013-02-22, 07:32 PM
45) No matter the objection, breaking down the door and expending an entire spell level into a room IS a viable plan.

AttilaTheGeek
2013-02-22, 07:38 PM
46. Crafting feats are only good if your campaign takes place in the middle of nowhere.

47. Don't mock the Wizard.

48. Always, always prepare Invisibility.
48b. And Dimension Door.

49. The true test of whether a character is Evil or just the dark side of Neutral is whether or not he/she believes "because he got in my way" is a legitimite reason to kill someone.

Frozen_Feet
2013-02-22, 09:23 PM
Things my players in particular should know, but which I will usually not tell them. (It's funnier to see them not figure them out themselves. :smalltongue:)


If I (from hereon referred to as "the GM") am smiling, it means nothing in particular. It's just an attempt to make you unnerved.
When the GM says a room is empty, it is.
When the GM says a room looks empty, there's something there that you simply haven't noticed.
If the GM is wearing shades, you can except to run into a bad guy the GM thinks is very bad ass.
Same applies if the GM is obviously mimicking mannerisms of any popular media character.
If the GM takes its glasses off and rubs its temples or nose, you know you have done something extremely stupid. Addendum: if you haven't yet done anything, pass the aspirin to the GM.
The GM likes to sprinkle popular culture references to its games. Perusing same media as the GM will be useful.
That said, the GM is not above subverting your expectations at the last moment to use your pop culture knowledge against you.
Do not try to out-science the GM. Chances are the GM knows more about the subject than you. Worse, it might ask you to demonstrate.
If you do manage to out-science the GM, expect the game to screech to halt as the GM fascinatedly discusses about scientific minutiae.
If you invent a nifty trick that catches the GM out-of-guard, expect that same trick to be used against you sooner or later.
If the GM throws a nifty trick at you, it likely expects you to perform it sooner or later. Pay attention.
Because the GM occasionally gets bored of repeating "the room is empty", it may describe empty rooms in excessive detail to keep you entertained. The rooms are still empty.
The GM loves random encounters. Furthermore, half of the entries on its random encounter lists are nothing but red herrings that are meant to keep on your toes, but don't actually lead up to anything.
The other half consists of things that can make events spiral wildly out of control. The GM considers random encounters just as important as preset encounters. Keep that in mind.
The GM doesn't have plans. the GM has random encounter lists.
If the GM has to stop to look up a rule, you know it's winging it.
If you try to bribe the GM with out-of-game things, it will happily accept any bribes... and then continue doing whatever it was doing.
Begging the GM to save your character merely makes it twice harder than it was.
Excessive sexual innuendos and crude humour are not strictly banned, but they will crash the GM. A crashed GM usually takes a while to reboot. This usually involves applying face to nearby object. This will obviously stall the game.
The GM will rarely tell you to not do something. However, doing something that offends the GM's moral sensibilities will result in a nearby NPC providing a lecture on said morals. Doing something that offends GM's common sense will result in being pointed and laughed at.
If the GM shows signs of slowing down mid-speech, poke it with something and feed it with caffeinated drinks.
The GM will lead games for food. Food will not prevent it from being a sadistic prick towards your characters.

Templarkommando
2013-02-22, 10:52 PM
47) Your plan of getting your DM to agree that origami cranes are not worth anything in a monetary sense and then folding 1000 of them with your craft (origami) skill in order to get a free wish is not likely to yield favorable results.

Sith_Happens
2013-02-22, 11:03 PM
45) No matter the objection, breaking down the door and expending an entire spell level into a room IS a viable plan.

45-a) Even if the room is empty.

48) Just because the GM approved your character doesn't mean they intend for it to survive the first session.

Templarkommando
2013-02-23, 12:58 PM
Our order is getting a little weird...so I'm gonna say this is number:

50)That really strange item that the DM describes to you in minute detail (a ring made of some sort of pink metal with three pink diamonds set in it that seems to glow for some mysterious reason) that you found lying at the bottom of the dungeon after the DM rolled "DM's choice" on the treasure table will be completely forgotten by the time your group meets again to play a couple of months later. No number of reminders or descriptions of this item will jog the DM's memory. The item will simply be lost to the recesses of your character sheet.

Slipperychicken
2013-02-23, 11:05 PM
Our order is getting a little weird...so I'm gonna say this is number:

50)That really strange item that the DM describes to you in minute detail (a ring made of some sort of pink metal with three pink diamonds set in it that seems to glow for some mysterious reason) that you found lying at the bottom of the dungeon after the DM rolled "DM's choice" on the treasure table will be completely forgotten by the time your group meets again to play a couple of months later. No number of reminders or descriptions of this item will jog the DM's memory. The item will simply be lost to the recesses of your character sheet.

I've seen DMs forget in the time between sessions. I usually bother the DM enough (examine it again, roll Appraise, try to sell it, cast Identify on it, etc) that he, having forgotten, has to re-invent the items' stats and value on the spot.

Sith_Happens
2013-02-23, 11:21 PM
51) Female dragons in D&D 3.5 have a 100% conception rate. Luckily, your DM probably doesn't know this.

Marnath
2013-02-23, 11:37 PM
51) Female dragons in D&D 3.5 have a 100% conception rate. Luckily, your DM probably doesn't know this.

80%, actually. :smallwink:

Seharvepernfan
2013-02-24, 07:33 AM
3,976: You are not accountable for anything, and anything that displeases you is the DMs fault, and he is a horrible DM.

3,977: You should win every encounter, and should never fail at anything, even when you roll low. If you do, find a new DM while besmirching the reputation of the one who dared displease you.

Jack of Spades
2013-02-24, 08:23 AM
I've seen DMs forget in the time between sessions. I usually bother the DM enough (examine it again, roll Appraise, try to sell it, cast Identify on it, etc) that he, having forgotten, has to re-invent the items' stats and value on the spot.

Played in a Paranoia-esque homebrew once where our Google Doc of secrets we had managed to wrest from the GM's hands-- metagaming not only being allowed but being enthusiastically encouraged-- actually ended up being the GM's reference document... To the point where he would deny us training or the like that we had gone through in previous sessions if we hadn't recorded our progress on the Doc (this was mostly for the magic system, which was needlessly complex). Also, a few times he used the Doc to work out where he had said things were in the world(s)... It was an interesting game.

EccentricCircle
2013-02-24, 01:32 PM
52a: Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

52b: Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Razanir
2013-02-24, 02:34 PM
Things my players in particular should know, but which I will usually not tell them. (It's funnier to see them not figure them out themselves. :smalltongue:)


3,976: You are not accountable for anything, and anything that displeases you is the DMs fault, and he is a horrible DM.

3,977: You should win every encounter, and should never fail at anything, even when you roll low. If you do, find a new DM while besmirching the reputation of the one who dared displease you.

*BZZT*
Please maintain the numbering system. Shenanigans like this are what cause these threads to eventually resort to lame asterisks instead of numbers.

Guizonde
2013-02-24, 09:46 PM
53: if your dm is a fluff-over-crunch guy, you will get rocks thrown on top of your death-o-tron character
53a: if your dm is a crunch-over-fluff guy, you will get books thrown at you for your flavorful bystander.
54:that's a nicely roleplayed character you have there. it'd be a shame if... something... evil... happened to it
55: despite what the dm says, collapsing the dungeon and sifting through the rubble is a valid plan. not the best, granted, but valid nonetheless.
56: a critical hit on an overcharged fireball killing simultaneously and instantaneously 10 mooks in a room can happen. the dm will cry tears of impotent rage. this is why criticals are a good thing.
57: dice karma exists. and it hates you.
58: forget contradicting the DM. he's got rule 0, you don't.

navar100
2013-02-24, 11:22 PM
59. Always inform party members when you notice anything strange, unusual or noteworthy the DM called out, especially while on watch.

60. When something happens while on watch, wake up your party members.

61. Do not be attached to your weapon or armor. If a better one comes along, use it.

62. Use your stuff. Use your magic items, scrolls, potions, wands, etc. That is what they're for. It's ok to conserve resources but not to the point of miserly never using them. You'll get more stuff later.

Slipperychicken
2013-02-24, 11:37 PM
56: a critical hit on an overcharged fireball killing simultaneously and instantaneously 10 mooks in a room can happen. the dm will cry tears of impotent rage. this is why criticals are a good thing.

[assuming 3.5]
Fireballs can't critical. Only things with attack rolls can critical.

Jack of Spades
2013-02-25, 12:41 AM
[assuming 3.5]
Fireballs can't critical. Only things with attack rolls can critical.

Tongue-in-cheek thread doesn't need your silly rules :smallbiggrin:

Fighter1000
2013-02-25, 02:18 AM
(63)(A). If every other player is talking loudly at once, don't say anything. Because no one will listen to you and you WILL have to repeat yourself.

(63)(B). Always expect someone to cut you off mid-sentence with whatever meaningless crap they got to say.

(64). Ask the GM a lot of questions, about EVERYTHING. Then decide what your character will do.

(65). Don't get too attached to any character(s) in the game. Something bad WILL happen to them.

(66)(A). In a combat situation, do your turn as quickly as you can. This includes taking less than FIVE minutes to roll your dice.

(66)(B). When rolling your dice, be careful not to fling it across the table.

(67). Don't fiddle with your dice. Leave them untouched on the table. If you do fiddle with your dice, you WILL drop it on the floor and have to pick it up. If a fellow player or the GM fiddles with his dice and drops it on the floor, don't pick it up for him or her. If he or she asks you to pick it up, slap that moron upside the head and let him or her pick it up himself or herself.

(68)(A). Often times a gaming session can drag on. Bring a snack with you, preferably a salty one. And don't drink too much water or soda; wouldn't want to have to use the restroom when it's your turn to attack.

(68)(B). If the topic of buying food for the group comes up, don't offer to pay a cent unless you absolutely have to. It ain't worth going broke over a meal that can only be enjoyed once, and not exclusively by you.

Templarkommando
2013-02-25, 10:19 AM
69) The way to kill a dragon at first level is to corral a whole bunch of the townsfolk and sap into the top of his mountain cave. From the backside hopefully you will be less noticeable. Support the cave with wooden beams and when you have finally dug out most of the top of the mountain, set the beams on fire. This should collapse the mountain on to the top of the dragon while he is sleeping in his lair. For added effect you can always try to dig while the dragon isn't home in addition to a camouflaged entrance.

Arbane
2013-02-25, 10:48 AM
(68)(B). If the topic of buying food for the group comes up, don't offer to pay a cent unless you absolutely have to. It ain't worth going broke over a meal that can only be enjoyed once, and not exclusively by you.

I know these suggestions are sarcastic, but I don't WANT to enjoy my food more than once. :smalleek:

AttilaTheGeek
2013-02-26, 05:09 PM
(68)(B). If the topic of buying food for the group comes up, don't offer to pay a cent unless you absolutely have to. It ain't worth going broke over a meal that can only be enjoyed once, and not exclusively by you.

68) c. If the topic of buying food for the group comes up, always pay your share, and offer to pay someone else's. It isn't worth losing friends over food that you'd have to pay for anyway if you were eating alone.

68) d. Unless you're broke already. But don't say you are just to get out of doing your share.

Squirrel_Dude
2013-02-26, 05:40 PM
32. If you see a chest at the end of a hallway and it is visible, that chest is a mimic...shoot it.
32A. Mimic's can also pose as doorways, don't get cocky or the door mimic will get you.
32B. Mimics can be any medium sized object (like a nightgown, chair, or weapon rack), so if the DM wants to spring on on you he will.
33C. Mimics have an adhesive that makes things stick to them. Throw pebbles at everything.

jindra34
2013-02-26, 05:45 PM
70) Nothing is harmless. And the creatures that do are probably the most dangerous.

Squirrel_Dude
2013-02-26, 09:42 PM
71) If the dragon ever landed during the combat, you probably got off easy.

72) If the evil druid you were fighting escapes into the woods, just give up and go home before you get seriously hurt.

OverdrivePrime
2013-02-26, 10:56 PM
73) Always, always geek the enemy mage first!

73a) Intelligent foes will try to geek your mage first.

73b) Followed by your healer.

74) Just because you're the party's tank doesn't mean your enemies aren't just going waltz around outside your threat range on the way to devouring your mage's throat.

74a) Unless you can stop them or make them come to you.

74b) You're useless as a tank unless you can stop them or make them come to you.

75) It usually hurts to help.

75a) But that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to be helpful every chance you get, just in case you wind up helping a disguised godling with a penchant for handing out level-inappropriate look to good samaritans.

75b) But be prepared for your helpful nature to get you killed.

76) Be nice to the GM's boyfriend - he might let you borrow his unobtanium super car.

Slipperychicken
2013-02-26, 10:59 PM
73) Always, always geek the enemy mage first!

73a) Intelligent foes will try to geek your mage first.


But what if your mages are already 18 INT Wizard Geeks? :smallbiggrin: Can they get more geeked than that?

AttilaTheGeek
2013-02-26, 11:34 PM
But what if your mages are already 18 INT Wizard Geeks? :smallbiggrin: Can they get more geeked than that?

They could be wearing Star Trek-themed headbands of +6 INT.

73) b. If your DM gives you a Star Trek-themed headband of +6 INT, it's either a trap or you have the best DM ever.

Sith_Happens
2013-02-27, 04:40 AM
80%, actually. :smallwink:


Ovulation begins with mating, and a female dragon can produce eggs much less often, if she wishes, simply by not mating.

Sounds like 100% to me (either that, or it's trying to say that dragons don't have sex-ed).

Dewani90
2013-02-27, 07:07 PM
74) if you are a changeling and your DM gave you a creative skill(invented for our campaign) to transform into any class you absorbed a soul of (from a dead body) and you suddenly turn into a paladin with an huge rack (with all skills of that class), remind the drow warlock that he should stop flirting with your character because you have the protection of, detect and smite evil skills and his race is evil by default...

75) if your DM is a hentai fan, remind him that monsters from Urotsukidoji Legend of the Overfiend are not good replacers for the monster-pedia

76) nor any tentacle monsters from any number of hentai animes he has watched recently

77) ask for description for every rare item (being it rings, jewels, seals, swords, etc) one of them is a key and should be used as so, not equiped... except the amulet of forgetfulness with the description of "this jeweled bracelet is engraved with a spell that make you forget about... ohhh shiny"