Trying to come up with a few jokes...

[Qintopon]

How many (fill in the blank, DnD relevant) does it take to change a candlestick? Or why did the (fill in the blank) cross the road. Just trying to put more texture in the world. Any ideas? They don't need to be particularly good. I'm sure bad jokes existed a long time ago.

[JeminiZero]

Well, the first thing to do, is to try Googling "D&D jokes". This (http://community.wizards.com/go/thread/view/75882/19904090/1001DnD_Jokes) was the first thread that came up.

I recall a bizarre one that goes like this:

A human, an elf, and a half-Orc walk into a bar. The barkeep looks at them and says "What is this some kind of joke?"

[limejuicepowder]

What the best way to find an Elf? Start knocking over pedestals.

Whats the easiest way to defeat an orc? Present him with options.

How do you get a dwarf to laugh? ............

A drow and a mind flayer walk in to a bar. The barkeep says "What can I get for you?" The drow says "You're going to have to give me a minute, it seems to have slipped my mind." The mind flayer says "Nothing for me, I just ate."

[Cirrylius]

Your mama's so ugly, medusae have to make a fort save against her.

Your mama's so fat, she gets reach on creatures outside the dungeon.

Your mama's so fat, her size category is DAAAAMN!

[Blade Conduit]

Your mama's so ugly, medusae have to make a fort save against her.

Your mama's so fat, she gets reach on creatures outside the dungeon.

Your mama's so fat, her size category is DAAAAMN!

That size category one had me laughing so hard I had to put down my glass of chocolate milk.. And I love chocolate milk.

[navar100]

A human and an elf walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.

[FreakyCheeseMan]

Rogues do it from behind.
Clerics do it on their knees.
Monks do it with both hands.
Necromancers do it with all their oldest and dearest friends.

[Toy Killer]

Rogues do it from behind.
Clerics do it on their knees.
Monks do it with both hands.
Necromancers do it with all their oldest and dearest friends.

Paladins do it with protection.
Rangers are all natural.
Sorcerers do it spontaneously.
Bards... Well, what don't bard do?
Conjurers do it with friends.
Evokers do it with Force.
Barbarians do it with Fury.
Not to be confused with Druids, who do it while Furry.
Diviners know when it's coming.


... Too far?

[Darthteej]

Warlocks do it all the time
Wilders do it till they faint
Samurai do it ineptly
Samurai do it with their ancestors' might
Spellthieves do it with someone else's toys
Totemists do it with animals
Dragon disciples do it with wings
Favoured souls do it with their deity's blessing

This thread is well on it's way to a lock.

[The Viscount]

Beguilers do it without your knowledge.
Incarnates do it till they're blue.
Assassins wait for the right time to do it.
Rangers do it with both hands full.

Locked? You mean we aren't doing wonderful pistachios style lines?

[Venger]

Locked? You mean we aren't doing wonderful pistachios style lines?
That's my thought process. We are talking about combat, after all.

Factota do it better than you
Telepaths use their imaginations
Commoners do it the hard way
Shadowcasters do it with the lights off
You don't wanna know how aristocrats do it

[Andezzar]

Wizards do it by the book
Crusaders do it for the cause
Swordsages do it first/with initiative
Truenamers don't

[Platinum Piece]

Scouts do it on the move
Ninjas do it suddenly
Marshals help others do it
Hexblades do it with their shadow

[Venger]

spellwarp snipers do it long distance
apostles of peace aren't allowed to do it
defiants don't believe in it
spymasters do it right under your nose

[The Viscount]

Binders do it with a little help from their friends.
Truenamers say you name when they do it.
Scouts do it on the run.
Maenads do it loudly.

Edit: ninja'ed on scout. They really do do it suddenly.

[Platinum Piece]

Planar Shepherds do it better
Deepwood Snipers don't care where you do it
Ur-priests do it by themselves
Monks do it in a flurry

[FreakyCheeseMan]

Artificers do it with toys.

[nedz]

Marshals do it at the double
Spirit Shamans do it whilst chastising
Blackguards do it in the dark
Aristocrats do it at a talent show.

[The Viscount]

Drunken Masters do it with whatever's at hand.
Frenzied Berserkers hurt themselves doing it.
Knights won't let you do it.

[Erik Vale]

Psions do it with their mind.
Thrall herds do it in mass.
Cerebromancers overthink how to do it.
Cerebromancers do it two ways.
Loremasters know all about it.
Shadowdancers do it with shadows.
Experts do it with great skill.
Adepts are adept at it.
Commoners do it with a bunch of animals.
And Divine Emmisarries do it with the gods.


Now to other [bad] jokes:
We will Vrock you.

Why are 4 paladins running away screeming? They met Bubs.
Why does the world still exist? Wizards wouldn't want to destroy the books.
What was the last thing PunPun did? Kill himself for being PunPun.
Where is Warlock Bob? Last I checked, he was mass creating wish scrolls in a thought bottle loop.

[Phelix-Mu]

Your mama's so ugly, medusae have to make a fort save against her.

Your mama's so fat, she gets reach on creatures outside the dungeon.

Your mama's so fat, her size category is DAAAAMN!

Oh wow, those are so good, they're Exalted.

As for the "doing it" brand of humor, it is good, but I think we are rapidly moving into a rut, not to mention a bit of metagame, since not every PrC would be widely known by name in the game world. A good joke for gamers, but less so for characters. I was a little unclear on whether the OP cared or not. So...

#1: A funny thing happened on the way to the dungeon.

#2: Really, what?

#1: Wait, lemme get my encounter card out....
-----------------------------------------------
Ah, well, I think I am fairly funny, but my joke writing skills are right awful. I just spent twenty minutes thinking, and all I could come up with was a complicated joke about a drow priestess of elistraee, a male human warblade and his druidess girlfriend and her create water spell...way too complicated to be funny. Or at least, needs more work. Being funny in person is much easier than being funny on paper.

[Phelix-Mu]

Thrall herds do it in mass en masse.

I think that was more along the lines of what you were going for. Can't think of why Thrallherds would be doing it in church.

[The Viscount]

Thrallherds do what they what, when they want, where they want.

Very well. I shall refrain from that style of jokes unless OP gives the ok.

Why is a halfling barbarian like an invisible spell? I haven't seen either one!

[Azoth]

How many Dwarves does it take to change a lantern? 13. One to light it and 12 to drink till the dungeon spins.

What is a Dwarf's best hunting weapon? A loaf of dwarven bread.

Why are Druids always mad? You'd be mad too if you grew the finest weed and weren't allowed to smoke it!

You know how to piss off a fisherman? Cut off his 'bating hand.

How do you make a dead thief pull his weight? Have the barbarian throw his corpse down the hall.

How do you make an evil overlord surrender? Surround his base with bards playing nothing but bagpipes and banjos.

Don't get mad at halflings for doing things half assed...they only have half an ass!

Is there anything a dragon won't stick it in?

Never get mad at cowardly half elves...they were only half a man to begin with.

Due to feminine features and lack of body hair...most believe there are no male elves...and they are right!

You are so worthless I can't wait for you to die. That way I reanimate/reincarnate you into something useful.

Never trust a Bard offering free anything!

Don't let the wizard pick up the bill ever!

[Cirrylius]

Planar Shepherds do it better EVERYWHERE


Fixed it up for ya.

[navar100]

Why did the naga lose her court case? She didn't have a leg to stand on.

[Slipperychicken]

As for the "doing it" brand of humor

It feels like it should be a rhyming limerick. Something like:

Clerics do it on their knees
Wizards do it with such ease
Fighters do it willfully
Factota do it skillfully

[and so on]

[Darthteej]

Dwarves do it with lots of hair
Rangers do it with a bear
As for druids, don't despair
For they do it whilst a bear
This joke won't die if I can help it.


A psion, a warblade, a shadowcaster, and a totemist walk into a bar.
"Hold on," says the bartender, "I have to go to the library."

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He didn't. He was flying.

A party of adventurers is stranded in a desert island in the middle of the ocean. There are only coconut trees, inedible plants, and hard to catch animals there, and they all need to decide how to survive. "With my vast outdoors experience, I can build us a proper shelter and fire" says the Ranger. "I can prevent us from catching sick, and create gruel for us to eat every day" says the cleric. "My combat skill is vast even with only clubs, I can protect us from whatever horrors may lurk here" says the fighter. Finally, it's the wizards turn, "I am sorry," he says, "but I have lost my spellbook, and I fear my vast knowledge is impractical here." "It's okay," the ranger responds "Pelor knows we'll get tired of eating gruel."

[The Viscount]

A sultan has a harem of women and every night he sleeps with a different one. Every morning the girl returns to the rest bragging about what a great lover the sultan is. After two weeks however, the girls start to notice that their lord is getting more and more nervous. So one night one of his wives asks the sultan what it wrong and he answers: ''I've been lucky so far, but statistically a 1 is going to come up any day now..''
So, the girl asks the sultan why he won't take 10 on his checks. ''I'm a politician." the sultan answers "I am always threatened!

Probably the best joke from the wizards thread.

[dr_doomtron]

Why do half elves have pointy ears?

Because there has to me SOME point to half elves

[SowZ]

An Epic Level warrior is about to bust into a Vampire's lair. His necromancer acolyte runs up to him, panting. "What's the matter, slave?" "We're about to be attacked!" "By what?" "Durla Bladestone!" "Who's that?" "She's a legendary fighter." "Bite 'er? I hardly know her!"

[nedz]

Why do elves have pointy ears ?

So your hat and coat won't fall off in the cloak room.

[navar100]

Wizard to Paladin: Why did you shake hands and thank that undead cleric?
Paladin to Wizard: He's a heceuva guy.