Immabozo
2013-02-25, 05:23 AM
We are starting off at level 8. I'm a Half ogre Barbarian/ War Hulk. The second player is a gold half dragon warrior. The third player is a gnome rogue when asked what his name is "it changes depending on the situation". So the campaign starts off, we're in the tavern, a group of druid-like paladins come into the bar and are very noisy and obnoxious and surprise, surprise, they are attacked. Round one, the Half dragon charges the mercenaries that were hired to jump the paladins. I charge as well. The gnome throws open his cloak and reveals that he is bare... *ahem* rear end *ahem*... naked and screams "everyone follow me" and runs out of the bar. Outside, he tells the guard that the tavern is full of rowdy mercenaries that touched him. They rush in to join the frey. He runs over to a townsperson and tells them "you have to help quick, they are killing my mommy and stole my clothes" (high bluff check) "you can take them" and runs in with the towns person. As soon as he enters, he yells to the paladin's captain "I found their leader!" and the paladin quickly charges him and skewers him on him blade. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" screams the gnome "he kindly came to save us! heal him now!" and the paladin proceeded, very confused, to lay hands and fully bring him back to full.
By now, the tavern had caught fire. Everyone evacuates except the gold dragon who sticks around to take the valuables.
The prince showed up and wants to know what happened and the gnome steps up "Your paladins burnt down MY bar, I insist you pay me for the damages they did." (this was not his bar) and the Prince tosses him a few thousand gold and he graciously steps away. A cleric (who was played by the DM's girlfriend for about 15 minutes) told the prince what happened and the prince tells us that they must have been mercenaries hired to over throw him (the occupying force there) by the rebels in a neighboring barony. So we are given three days before being invited to dinner at the prince's palace, where he has an offer for us. The rogue goes to try his damnedest to forge a forgery of the gold medallion worn by the princes guards. The half dragon goes to buy supplies. I leave town and spend half a day trying to pull a tree out of the ground, which I eventually succeeded to do on a 20.
The gnome goes to a gold smith and is charged 1,200 for only half of the medallion, cause, as he points out, it's only illegal to make one, but making half of one is perfectly legal. He breaks in the next morning, but the security mechano-golem scares him off, when he goes screaming to the local guard that someone in that building touched me and they should go do something about it. He eventually just pays for it and leaves.
He then goes to a blacksmith for the other half made of steel and gold plated, again, 1,200 gold. Then, as the black smith is working on it, disguises me as a troll (very badly) and has me use my tree to bash in the front door of the blacksmith, then stabs me (sleight of hand, doesn't really) and I run away screaming "Vishnar the troll slayer!" but come back a minute later for the tree I dropped.
He tells the blacksmith that he should do the work free of charge for saving his shop. The blacksmith laughs and declines. "He's touching me, he's touching me!" the gnome screams, throwing his cloak open and runs in circles. The blacksmith gave him the coin for free to make him stop.
We go to the princes palace and are confronted by the guards, who have been expecting us and the gnome says "I only need to use the chamber pot", where he finds out that the toilet paper is pure silk. He takes some and stuffs it inside the leather armor he picked up.
The prince asks us to investigate the neighboring barony and destroy the rebellion, we agree and the prince asks us what we need. I ask for a ring to up my con. The prince removes his own ring and tosses it to me, +2 con. The half dragon has his sword keened. The gnome bows and all the toilet paper (silk) falls out and the gnome collects it, hides it away and says "if your guards use silk toilet paper, I know you have better. All I require is a roll of your toilet paper." of which he is obliged, finding out it is also silk toilet paper, magically enchanted silk, it is like you are wiping with air, and the roll is self replenishing.
So we head out riding in a large caravan. After a while, we stop, a magic silence and fog falls over the area and a large number of soldiers wearing the gryphon of the enemy attack us. The half dragon charges, I charge, the gnome ties himself up with magical toilet paper. The half dragon and I massacre a group of three soldiers and then charge a column of seven. Another column of seven are on the other side of the caravan, but instead of attacking us, rescue the gnome (who still has no pants) and is carried away. Outside the silence "Oh thank you! They were touching me!" and is carried away to their mountain stronghold.
The half dragon player looks at the gnome player "I think you are about to have a real story of someone touching you."
We finish killing everything and take off in search of the gnome.
The gnome is carried into the mountain stronghold and is brought before the baron and his council of generals, all sitting around a table, the gnome standing in the center of the table, making very subtle movements to make sure his cape opens and exposes himself at every opportunity.
"I know how to get into the prince's palace, I know the layout and I know how to get past his guard. I can even bring you his champions. If you give me a team of... 15 or so, I can lead them in to assassinate the prince." "Are you sure?" *takes out his medallion* "where do you think I got this?", "Ok, you have your choice of men, we have the finest sorcerers, mages, warriors" "I need the biggest, strongest, dumbest barbarians you have." "why?" "do you want this job done or not? Doing it your way hasn't worked so far."
And so he got his band of 15 barbarians, who are very, very stupid.
As soon as they left the mountain stronghold, he offered them more to work exclusively for him and forget their ties to the gryphon-symbol army. They did. We met up with him, turned around and attacked the mountain fortress (with the NPC paladin, who was, in the DM's words, "not supposed to be here, he was supposed to go for backup... which you found") and we attacked. We were brought into the fortress as "prisoners" and brought before the baron. "wow, that was fast" and the gnome and his group leave and lock the door to the inner circle, where we are, and his orcs prevent anyone from joining the fight. The paladin made this fight possible and not a TPK. I went into the negatives three times. We eventually won.
But the gnome, he ran up to a guard who was responding to the sounds of battle "whats happening?" the guard asks, thinking the gnome is a commander, seeing the barbarians taking orders from him. "They're touching me, and they will touch you two if you dont get out of here! Have everyone abandon the fortress! The Empire is here touching everyone!" ("The Empire" is the one the Prince is a part of)
So he orders the evacuation of the fortress of all people not already engaged in the fight.
We return to the princes palace and are rewarded handsomely and given another fortress to take, a two day travel away, that is a very strategic location and we are given time to prepare.
The gnome never made an attack, the character doesn't even have weapons, but he was the most effective member of the party and had us all hysterically laughing, me uncontrollably so more than a few times.
So I spoilered the last campaign for anyone who wants to read it. We played again last night.
So we now have a "guild house" that has been turned into an orphanage with 21 kids in it. A priest of Cyric (spelling?) knocks on the door and wants to spread the word of god to the children. The naked gnome allows him in, but our chaotic good half dragon, Jace, goes and warns our (now NPC) priest of light to this, and she confronts the gnome. "Hey, they deserve to have some religion in their life and if your big bad church cant keep track of one little priest of Cyric, then your church deserves no better to teach these children."
We are then called away to meet with the prince who orders us to take a fortress, one of his other champions bursts into the room and declares that it is a suicide mission. There is much debate, but we decide to go anyway.
We arrive on the island and begin scouting. We find that the main road, the only apparent approach to the castle, is trapped withvery thin adamantite strings that take off someone's head if they walk into them. So we go back to the beach and around, but are forced to spend the night on the beach. The first watch hears what sounds like a little girl humming while she plays on the beach. He wakes us up and when we go to investigate, 7 zombie-like creatures are standing there with a zombie-type giant.
The half dragon and I charge. A pig-faced man pokes his head over the hill behind us and starts rolling barrels down the hill at the naked gnome. One hits him and explodes in tons of massive bugs covering the gnome, preventing him from doing much.
Apparently, gnomes have a 1 per day ability to communicate with burrowing creatures. So he activates this, high bluff check, bluffs them into attacking the zombies, cause they would be tastier. A second barrel hits him and he again, high bluff, gets them to go attack the pig-faced man.
We get past the encounter and in the morning, establish that me have to go up the main road as it is the only approach and everything else is super dense forest mixed with a massive swamp. So we go back to the main road and take most of a day disarming the many adamantite string traps. There is an abandoned city around the castle, so we spend the night in the strongest building, a church. All night, we hear the same little girl singing the same song hwe heard on the beach. I take final watch and, somehow, with the stupid brute character with no ranks in spot, roll a higher spot than anyone else and spot half spider half human creatures holding massive needles. I wake everyone up and it is decided, and then confirmed, that our church had been completely surrounded in more adamantite strands and it took us a while to get out. Once we did, as a half-minotaur, I followed the scent back to a well that was filled with bodies. We lite everything on fire and then buried everything and sealed up the well.
We then entered the fortress and in the main room, there is a little girl (humming the same song we heard on the beach and in the church), stabbing a man, who is tied to a wooden cross. The walls all have living babies sewn into the walls. We are then surrounded by the half human half spiders I saw at the church. They are all carrying massive adamantite needles.
The spiders, every turn, grapple check and if we fail, they take their needle and adamantite silk coming from their butts, try to sew us into themselves. Every time we hit them with our slashing weapons, we see inside them, babies are being used as a power source to fuel the demons fast healing abilities.
One of the other champions for the prince shows up and engages the demon and the go toe to toe. The naked, unarmed, gnome charges the demon and moves to flank him and bluffs the demon that he is fighting on the demon's side (rolls a natural 20 on bluff), while he tries to steal the demon's magic items.
Side note: The DM JUST finished telling us that in his work, anything, no matter the roll, a 20 is an automatic success in his world (after I challenged his crappy ruling that my 35 grapple check, 15 roll with a plus 20, did not beat the spider's grapple check of 30, natural 20 with a plus 10)
So the demon says "Good, lets make sure of it" and cast dominate. The player got upset at this, anyone else rolls a 20 and something good happens, he rolls a 20 and gets dominated. Later we found out that the demon was going to dominate me, the most devastating melee character on our side, as a half ogre, half minotaur (Templates from Dragon Mag) dwarf barbaian (5) dungeoncrasher fighter (2) bear warrior (1) (soon to be war hulk). So it turned out that it wasn't a bad thing at all!
Then we kill the spiders, the half dragon charges the demon to help and I charge the pigfaced man who showed up, again, behind us. The round after the charge, I hit him with all three attacks and my gore, dealing 113 damage, give or take a few, and annihilate him and charge the demon, who I miss. The demon then not only hits me with all three attacks, but crits on two of them! I take 123 damage, my full hitpoint total, but since I had taken 63 damage by then, I was dead, very, very dead.
Luckily, the demon was then taken out the next round with a nat 20 (unconfirmed) the only roll the fighter could hit the demon with and 24 damage dropped him.
Our cleric was able to raise me and then I was healed only later, while the cleric and the paladin tried to save the babies sewn into the walls and the demons. The DM jokingly said that if I die a few more times like that, he is going to give me a homebrew Frankenstein template.
Then came the problem of transporting the babies home. Our naked gnome suggests "They are already used to being sewn into things, lets sew them into the ship's walls and ceilings!" and I jokingly suggest "we do have a bag of holding". We were able to save 200 babies, our orphanage got very, very full.
The prince rewarded us ($10,000 each) and then we ended the night.
By now, the tavern had caught fire. Everyone evacuates except the gold dragon who sticks around to take the valuables.
The prince showed up and wants to know what happened and the gnome steps up "Your paladins burnt down MY bar, I insist you pay me for the damages they did." (this was not his bar) and the Prince tosses him a few thousand gold and he graciously steps away. A cleric (who was played by the DM's girlfriend for about 15 minutes) told the prince what happened and the prince tells us that they must have been mercenaries hired to over throw him (the occupying force there) by the rebels in a neighboring barony. So we are given three days before being invited to dinner at the prince's palace, where he has an offer for us. The rogue goes to try his damnedest to forge a forgery of the gold medallion worn by the princes guards. The half dragon goes to buy supplies. I leave town and spend half a day trying to pull a tree out of the ground, which I eventually succeeded to do on a 20.
The gnome goes to a gold smith and is charged 1,200 for only half of the medallion, cause, as he points out, it's only illegal to make one, but making half of one is perfectly legal. He breaks in the next morning, but the security mechano-golem scares him off, when he goes screaming to the local guard that someone in that building touched me and they should go do something about it. He eventually just pays for it and leaves.
He then goes to a blacksmith for the other half made of steel and gold plated, again, 1,200 gold. Then, as the black smith is working on it, disguises me as a troll (very badly) and has me use my tree to bash in the front door of the blacksmith, then stabs me (sleight of hand, doesn't really) and I run away screaming "Vishnar the troll slayer!" but come back a minute later for the tree I dropped.
He tells the blacksmith that he should do the work free of charge for saving his shop. The blacksmith laughs and declines. "He's touching me, he's touching me!" the gnome screams, throwing his cloak open and runs in circles. The blacksmith gave him the coin for free to make him stop.
We go to the princes palace and are confronted by the guards, who have been expecting us and the gnome says "I only need to use the chamber pot", where he finds out that the toilet paper is pure silk. He takes some and stuffs it inside the leather armor he picked up.
The prince asks us to investigate the neighboring barony and destroy the rebellion, we agree and the prince asks us what we need. I ask for a ring to up my con. The prince removes his own ring and tosses it to me, +2 con. The half dragon has his sword keened. The gnome bows and all the toilet paper (silk) falls out and the gnome collects it, hides it away and says "if your guards use silk toilet paper, I know you have better. All I require is a roll of your toilet paper." of which he is obliged, finding out it is also silk toilet paper, magically enchanted silk, it is like you are wiping with air, and the roll is self replenishing.
So we head out riding in a large caravan. After a while, we stop, a magic silence and fog falls over the area and a large number of soldiers wearing the gryphon of the enemy attack us. The half dragon charges, I charge, the gnome ties himself up with magical toilet paper. The half dragon and I massacre a group of three soldiers and then charge a column of seven. Another column of seven are on the other side of the caravan, but instead of attacking us, rescue the gnome (who still has no pants) and is carried away. Outside the silence "Oh thank you! They were touching me!" and is carried away to their mountain stronghold.
The half dragon player looks at the gnome player "I think you are about to have a real story of someone touching you."
We finish killing everything and take off in search of the gnome.
The gnome is carried into the mountain stronghold and is brought before the baron and his council of generals, all sitting around a table, the gnome standing in the center of the table, making very subtle movements to make sure his cape opens and exposes himself at every opportunity.
"I know how to get into the prince's palace, I know the layout and I know how to get past his guard. I can even bring you his champions. If you give me a team of... 15 or so, I can lead them in to assassinate the prince." "Are you sure?" *takes out his medallion* "where do you think I got this?", "Ok, you have your choice of men, we have the finest sorcerers, mages, warriors" "I need the biggest, strongest, dumbest barbarians you have." "why?" "do you want this job done or not? Doing it your way hasn't worked so far."
And so he got his band of 15 barbarians, who are very, very stupid.
As soon as they left the mountain stronghold, he offered them more to work exclusively for him and forget their ties to the gryphon-symbol army. They did. We met up with him, turned around and attacked the mountain fortress (with the NPC paladin, who was, in the DM's words, "not supposed to be here, he was supposed to go for backup... which you found") and we attacked. We were brought into the fortress as "prisoners" and brought before the baron. "wow, that was fast" and the gnome and his group leave and lock the door to the inner circle, where we are, and his orcs prevent anyone from joining the fight. The paladin made this fight possible and not a TPK. I went into the negatives three times. We eventually won.
But the gnome, he ran up to a guard who was responding to the sounds of battle "whats happening?" the guard asks, thinking the gnome is a commander, seeing the barbarians taking orders from him. "They're touching me, and they will touch you two if you dont get out of here! Have everyone abandon the fortress! The Empire is here touching everyone!" ("The Empire" is the one the Prince is a part of)
So he orders the evacuation of the fortress of all people not already engaged in the fight.
We return to the princes palace and are rewarded handsomely and given another fortress to take, a two day travel away, that is a very strategic location and we are given time to prepare.
The gnome never made an attack, the character doesn't even have weapons, but he was the most effective member of the party and had us all hysterically laughing, me uncontrollably so more than a few times.
So I spoilered the last campaign for anyone who wants to read it. We played again last night.
So we now have a "guild house" that has been turned into an orphanage with 21 kids in it. A priest of Cyric (spelling?) knocks on the door and wants to spread the word of god to the children. The naked gnome allows him in, but our chaotic good half dragon, Jace, goes and warns our (now NPC) priest of light to this, and she confronts the gnome. "Hey, they deserve to have some religion in their life and if your big bad church cant keep track of one little priest of Cyric, then your church deserves no better to teach these children."
We are then called away to meet with the prince who orders us to take a fortress, one of his other champions bursts into the room and declares that it is a suicide mission. There is much debate, but we decide to go anyway.
We arrive on the island and begin scouting. We find that the main road, the only apparent approach to the castle, is trapped withvery thin adamantite strings that take off someone's head if they walk into them. So we go back to the beach and around, but are forced to spend the night on the beach. The first watch hears what sounds like a little girl humming while she plays on the beach. He wakes us up and when we go to investigate, 7 zombie-like creatures are standing there with a zombie-type giant.
The half dragon and I charge. A pig-faced man pokes his head over the hill behind us and starts rolling barrels down the hill at the naked gnome. One hits him and explodes in tons of massive bugs covering the gnome, preventing him from doing much.
Apparently, gnomes have a 1 per day ability to communicate with burrowing creatures. So he activates this, high bluff check, bluffs them into attacking the zombies, cause they would be tastier. A second barrel hits him and he again, high bluff, gets them to go attack the pig-faced man.
We get past the encounter and in the morning, establish that me have to go up the main road as it is the only approach and everything else is super dense forest mixed with a massive swamp. So we go back to the main road and take most of a day disarming the many adamantite string traps. There is an abandoned city around the castle, so we spend the night in the strongest building, a church. All night, we hear the same little girl singing the same song hwe heard on the beach. I take final watch and, somehow, with the stupid brute character with no ranks in spot, roll a higher spot than anyone else and spot half spider half human creatures holding massive needles. I wake everyone up and it is decided, and then confirmed, that our church had been completely surrounded in more adamantite strands and it took us a while to get out. Once we did, as a half-minotaur, I followed the scent back to a well that was filled with bodies. We lite everything on fire and then buried everything and sealed up the well.
We then entered the fortress and in the main room, there is a little girl (humming the same song we heard on the beach and in the church), stabbing a man, who is tied to a wooden cross. The walls all have living babies sewn into the walls. We are then surrounded by the half human half spiders I saw at the church. They are all carrying massive adamantite needles.
The spiders, every turn, grapple check and if we fail, they take their needle and adamantite silk coming from their butts, try to sew us into themselves. Every time we hit them with our slashing weapons, we see inside them, babies are being used as a power source to fuel the demons fast healing abilities.
One of the other champions for the prince shows up and engages the demon and the go toe to toe. The naked, unarmed, gnome charges the demon and moves to flank him and bluffs the demon that he is fighting on the demon's side (rolls a natural 20 on bluff), while he tries to steal the demon's magic items.
Side note: The DM JUST finished telling us that in his work, anything, no matter the roll, a 20 is an automatic success in his world (after I challenged his crappy ruling that my 35 grapple check, 15 roll with a plus 20, did not beat the spider's grapple check of 30, natural 20 with a plus 10)
So the demon says "Good, lets make sure of it" and cast dominate. The player got upset at this, anyone else rolls a 20 and something good happens, he rolls a 20 and gets dominated. Later we found out that the demon was going to dominate me, the most devastating melee character on our side, as a half ogre, half minotaur (Templates from Dragon Mag) dwarf barbaian (5) dungeoncrasher fighter (2) bear warrior (1) (soon to be war hulk). So it turned out that it wasn't a bad thing at all!
Then we kill the spiders, the half dragon charges the demon to help and I charge the pigfaced man who showed up, again, behind us. The round after the charge, I hit him with all three attacks and my gore, dealing 113 damage, give or take a few, and annihilate him and charge the demon, who I miss. The demon then not only hits me with all three attacks, but crits on two of them! I take 123 damage, my full hitpoint total, but since I had taken 63 damage by then, I was dead, very, very dead.
Luckily, the demon was then taken out the next round with a nat 20 (unconfirmed) the only roll the fighter could hit the demon with and 24 damage dropped him.
Our cleric was able to raise me and then I was healed only later, while the cleric and the paladin tried to save the babies sewn into the walls and the demons. The DM jokingly said that if I die a few more times like that, he is going to give me a homebrew Frankenstein template.
Then came the problem of transporting the babies home. Our naked gnome suggests "They are already used to being sewn into things, lets sew them into the ship's walls and ceilings!" and I jokingly suggest "we do have a bag of holding". We were able to save 200 babies, our orphanage got very, very full.
The prince rewarded us ($10,000 each) and then we ended the night.