Iron Poet XVIII

[Vaynor]

Welcome to Iron Poet, Round Eighteen!!

Rules

1) Only the first 16 respondents expressing a desire to compete will be the contestants. It IS a first come, first served basis.

2) The contest will consist of a number of rounds pitting 2 randomly determined poets against each other until only one contestant remains (winner).

3) Each match-up will be given a theme, picture, article, subject, or other criteria to write on, and the poem submitted must match this as much as possible. Stricter following of prompts may help you win. Prompts that are words may be interpreted in any way (and any form of the word can be used), but keep in mind the judge may not see the connection if it's too ambiguous.

4) The winner as determined by a panel of judges will advance to the next round.

5) In case of a judge or judges not posting judgments in a timely manner, Vaynor will adjudicate and determine the winner.

6) The poems will be limited to 1000 words with a 50 word minimum

7) The entries will be poems. All forms of poetry are acceptable, as long as they meet the required word lengths. If your chosen style is too short, you are free to make two of them, i.e., you may make a limerick with 48 words, then add another limerick, still following the same theme, to reach the required word length.

8) All posted deadlines will given in as much time zones as possible, as labeled.

9) No late entries will be accepted. If you don't post or fail to post by the deadline, you will be disqualified. A 15 minute grace period is allowed. You have one freebie per contest, use it wisely. This allows you to be up to half a day late (12 hours) with your poem (no more).

10) If your entry does not include the article(s) and the picture(s), you will most likely lose because of it, however this will not disqualify your poem, as poems are judged on best use of the prompts.

11) The judgments are final. What the judges decide is how it is.

12) The entries will only include content suitable for the Playground.

13) Anything not clear will be decided by me.

14) The contestants will have 1 week (roughly) from the bracket posting to get their entries posted.

15) Post your poems in spoilers. Judges: do not read poems before the round ends.

16) Feel free to edit the post with your poem in it until the round ends. After that, any additional edits will disqualify you (barring a use of your half-day extension).

17) Judges have 1 week to complete judgments. If not all judges respond by this time, the round will be decided as if the late judges were not a part of it (i.e. if there are 5 judges to begin with and only 3 are on time, the round will be decided with 2 votes as opposed to 3). If there are only an even number of judgments, I will cast the remaining vote.

18) At the end of each contest, everyone still reading the thread will be able to anonymously vote on their favorite poem of the entire contest (encompassing all rounds). The poem with the most votes will win the "Best of Show" award!

THE IRON POET HALL OF FAME
1. Ravyn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43424)
2. Rubakhin (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54933)
3. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=69302)
4. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76283)
5. Truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=82545)
6. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=93376)
7. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=106066)
8. Devigod (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=119306)
9. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=141907)
10. Elvaris (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=155861)
11. Rutskarn (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=172822)
12. Alarra (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=182448)
13. averagejoe (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=193836)
14. Asthix (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=213888)
15. truemane (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=226578)
16. Techwarrior (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=247178)
17. Halberd (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=262208)

Contestants:


The Extinguisher
SaintRidley
Haruki-kun
Cuthalion
Elvaris
Alarra
leakingpen
Dimonite
WhiteRider
Techwarrior
Amidus Drexel
Viera Champion
zetsu1919
CWater
paradoxymoron
Zjoot


Judges:

Szilard
Halberd
Weezer





POTENTIAL APPLICANTS FOR THE JUDGE POSITION TAKE NOTE: THESE CONTESTS LAST A LONG TIME AND THIS IS NOT A FLEETING RESPONSIBILITY. IF YOU SIGN UP I EXPECT YOU TO POST JUDGMENTS ON TIME. IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER ABLE TO POST JUDGMENTS, TELL ME. THANK YOU.

[The Extinguisher]

Finally! I've been trying to get in for a while now but I keep just missing the entry. Sign me up please!

[SaintRidley]

I'll contest this time.

[Haruki-kun]

In as contestant.

[Cuthalion]

In as contestant, please.

[Szilard]

I think I'll try my hand at judging this time. It's always a nuisance when they run away. :smalltongue:

[Elvaris]

Writer reporting for duty sir.

[Halberd]

I'll judge this time, if you please.

[Alarra]

I'd like to write again.

[Weezer]

I'd like to give judging a try this round.

[Zjoot]

I wanted to be a judge, but it looks like the spots are full, so I guess I'll contest.

[Szilard]

I wanted to be a judge, but it looks like the spots are full, so I guess I'll contest.

A few contests ago we usually had 5 judges. It was only decreased to 3 because they kept running away. :smalltongue:

[Weezer]

A few contests ago we usually had 5 judges. It was only decreased to 3 because they kept running away. :smalltongue:

I'll second this, more judges are always better than too few, and if you need to switch from judge to player before the round starts if we have say 15 players and 4 judges, then so be it. Be the role you want to be

[Zjoot]

Sure thing then. Sign me up to judge, for a (needed IMO) bit of a surrealist perspective on things.

[Vaynor]

First post updated. I've put you down as a judge for now, but I'll switch you to contestant if we hit 15.

Need more contestants!

[leakingpen]

in so hard, it breaks the meter.

[Dimonite]

In as a contestant, please.

[WhiteRider]

I would love to participate as a contestant please!

[Techwarrior]

In to compete

[Amidus Drexel]

In as requested - contestant.

I highly doubt my poetry will be of a serious nature. :smallamused:

[Viera Champion]

Why I'd love to join, as a contestant. I think I was Kurama the last time I participated.

[ArkenBrony]

i am so in... can't wait

[Weezer]

Three more to get the full 16, we can do it!

[CWater]

I'd like to try this again, if there is still room for one more contestant. :smalltongue:

[Vaynor]

As we have an extra judge, we can get either 1 judge and 2 contestants, or just 1 contestant (and have a judge switch).

Almost there guys!

[Weezer]

I'm willing to switch to being a contestant if/when that would allow the round to start up.

aka poke

[Vaynor]

Unfortunately that would not solve the problem as we'd still need a contestant. Us needing 1 contestant is dependent on another judge already planning to switch.

[paradoxymoron]

Hi, I just registered so I can be a contestant (looking at The Challenge too!). I don't write poetry but it seems like a good place and time to start.

Thanks!

[Cuthalion]

Hi, I just registered so I can be a contestant (looking at The Challenge too!). I don't write poetry but it seems like a good place and time to start.

Thanks!

Yay! So, we'd be good to go now?

[Vaynor]

Iron Poet XVIII: Round 1

Cuthalion vs. Haruki-kun: Inadequate
Dimonite vs. Elvaris: Guttural
Alarra vs. WhiteRider: Younger
Techwarrior vs. The Extinguisher: Sensation
zetsu1919 vs. Viera Champion: Arboreal
CWater vs. SaintRidley: Wasteful
Amidus Drexel vs. paradoxymoron: Insistent
leakingpen vs. Zjoot: Blossom

Deadline: Saturday, April 13th 2013 at 11:59pm EDT.

[Alarra]

Prompt: Younger
It’s mine.
Inside, you flop and flail,
don’t sleep, just whine and wail.
Unhappy cause you know,
it’s mine.

They’re mine.
The ducky sheets and blankets,
and softly spinning planets,
don’t calm you cause you know
they’re mine.

He’s mine.
He takes me to the park,
to count stars in the dark.
You’ll never be best buddies, cause
he’s mine.

She’s mine.
Though she coos to you,
says she loves you through and through,
deep inside of you, you know
she’s mine.

It’s mine.
That sweater that you wear,
your favorite teddy bear.
Don’t get attached. You know
it’s mine.

They’re mine.
The books we read together,
of Dumbo and is feather.
Though on your shelf, you know
they’re mine.

He’s mine.
With his tickles and his laughs,
how he makes the airplanes crash
I know he makes you smile, but remember
he’s mine.

She’s mine.
Her hugs and gentle care,
I just don’t want to share.
How can she love us both?
She’s mine.

They’re mine.
The bright blue eyes that stare
under locks of white blond hair
they watch me as I play and look just
like mine.

And then I know,

You’re mine.
Though still too small today,
maybe tomorrow we can play.
I know we’ll be best friends someday, cause
you’re mine.

[SaintRidley]

Prompt: Wasteful


Timewaste

I see a teeming sea........................Sister sees the boat's time.
With water I can't drink,.................."Five more minutes," she thinks.
Debris alive - the ocean scourge.......And five pass and still she waits;
The Trojan brand man-o-war............Five more come and they too go,
To prey on Coke-ring fish.................And more and more and time
So small and translucent..................Falling by the grain is all she sees,
I see plastic bag birds watching........Waiting, waiting as it piles at her feet.
Cheese pufferfish swim....................An hour gone, two, three
............................In this Pepsi sea.
Her eyes look where mine were.........My eyes glance at her
And she sees a sea......................,.I see a girl and screen
Without a boat..............................That proclaim delay
...........................And nothing more.



Formatting this for the board, not fun.

[The Extinguisher]

Prompt: Sensation

Falling

The only thing I’ll know before I’m dead
The sound of it all flying past my head
The shock of hearing everything I said
The pattern on a sidewalk turning red

Maybe I can find a way out of this
Maybe there’s a chance I may just miss
Maybe I'll escape the looming abyss
Maybe they will grant one last last wish

Maybe after all my sorrows
I can see the Great Tomorrow
Fight for all the things to make it true
I never kept a goddamn thing from you
I always wanted what they had to
Offer you

And even now I need to feel oppressed
It's the only way I can get dressed
I'm learning that the lifestyle I've coalesced
In the end it's just another nest

Now I'm done with all this conflict
Won't pretend it wasn't worth it
In the end I guess I thought you knew
And I could say that I felt it too
Everything that I wanted to
Take from you

But in time I knew that I'd be free
Cause after all it was not me
I'd find myself and I’d find a way through

But everything that I was feeling
Was enough to stop the healing
All the things you opened my eyes to

What if everything I'm feeling
Comes right back to that old ceiling
Where I'd spend my weekend nights with you
I thought you showed me everything you knew
I guess I could believe that it was true
After all the things you helped me through

Rarely have I felt a thing like this
I can't describe this feeling of bliss
The awful sensation of weightlessness
Knowing I was easily dismissed
As I drift deeply into the abyss
I'm lost but I will find a way out of this

Now and again I find I'm alright
Not wishing for a stupid pointless fight
I've stopped myself from staying up all night
I've started to appreciate the light

[Elvaris]

And somehow "finding my voice" translated to "treating the 50 word minimum as a challenge"...

Prompt: Guttural
Shouts of emotion
Tearing two throats raw
Victor and vanquished
Each giving voice to the gravity of the moment

The two cries
From opposite sides of a chasm
Separating a champion
Anointing a legend
And relegating one back
Into the ranks of the ordinary

Left to yearn for another chance
To conquer all challengers
Achieve supremacy
And roar in triumph

[Dimonite]

A bit more narrative than my usual, but I figured I'd have some fun with this one :smalltongue:

Prompt: Guttural
I was walking through the forest
On a warm, bright summer's day,
When a sudden darkness met me -
It seemed a cloud had passed my way.

I carried on regardless,
Why let one cloud wreck my whole trip?
But then I heard a growl of menace,
From something made to rend and rip.

My neck was prickling, heart was pounding,
And my feet began to flee
And I ran from that foul animal
Who would have surely eaten me.

In my rush to get to safety,
I must have dropped some extra weight;
I must have shed what I was carrying
To hurry up my gait.

So when the sun appeared again
I learned the creature was quite shrewd
For by one noise he'd gained my backpack
Which I had kindly filled with food.

[Cuthalion]

Prompt: Inadequate
We perched together in the eucalyptus tree,
Me and my very special fluffy somebudgie,
Her feathers were blowing very softly in the wind,
Near the puddle on the ground was her little footprint.
I asked if we should think about a future spent together,
If together we should stay, through the sun and through bad weather.
And she said,
"No, I'm sorry, but you're really not enough,
I love you, I do, but you don't quite have the stuff."
Now, the sun is going down...
The sky is turning brown...
And it's true, I wasn't quite enough,
I just don't have the stuff,
But I miss her,
I miss her.
Meh. I was imagining this as more of a song than a poem, so it's not as good as I would like it.

[Haruki-kun]

Prompt: Inadequate
Title: Inadequate

A brief note of seasons gone by,
and all I can do is wonder why.

The remaining fuel that pumped my heart
has now gone dry, and things fall apart.

The victorious attitude as I took the task
is now revealed to be but a mask.

I had no tools, no clue, no means,
to achieve the same as those fine-tuned machines.

Look at them go! Like their lives depended on it!
Their work, the beauty of a masterful sonnet.

And lo, here is my own.
At the very least, try not to groan.

What to do? It’s time to quit?
I suppose, if I’m not fit…

Resignation, yes, that is a fine course.
A graceful step-down leaves no remorse.

[Zjoot]

Prompt: Blossom
Title: The Flower Room
You notice that there are flowers on the walls and
you notice that the air smells sour in this room.
You wonder if the smell is because of the flowers
or if that is what death smells like.

You notice the flowers are alive
and they are opening and closing like hands,
reaching for you, you are sure.
You try to catch one. Your wrinkled hands become a baby's
and then you see your mother as a young woman.

You whisper "Mother" though you are withered and motherless
You whisper it again so the image will stay.
"Mother what time is it?" and she tells you it is time to sleep,
but the flowers on the wall begin screaming,
and the flowers on the bed sheets turn to nettles;
You can feel your skin hum with their bites.

She tells you to sleep, but roses grow on her smile.
It is as if each tooth is a talon, belonging, in a certain sense,
to the falcon who kills the mouse of you,
and in a certain sense to the sunset,
which, if you crane your neck, you can just glimpse through the window.

As the rose of the sky closes,
the flowers on the wall open their hands wider greeting,
and you finally manage to dive into one.

It is dark inside the blossoms,
and colder than you expected.

[Amidus Drexel]

Hrm... if only I had the foresight to put more time into this.

Insistent
O’er river, rock, and stone
Through valleys, hills, and sand
A choir of hellish winds
Cry “listen to the land”

The voices’ airy breath
Rings softly in your head
Insistent in their pleas
As onward they are led

But earthen dirt and mud
Are silent as the grave
They have no words to speak
Or memory to save

The wind screams out “listen”
“Hark! Hear and you shall find”
And a writer moves his pen
To leave something behind

[paradoxymoron]

I guess I can't force the margin. Some lines break before they should. If there's any way to fix this and I'm allowed to do it after deadline, please let me know. Otherwise, oh well. I had a blast writing.

Insistent

I Love My Dentist (And He Loves Me)

My teeth have turned into testicles
and tiny drunken frat boys are giving them a twist
My pain flares
and his phone blares
I love my dentist
and he loves me

Morbidly obese centipedes have begun to ice-skate on my nerves
and I stumble into his office at a list
I'm shaking spastically
and he's beaming beatifically
I do love my dentist
and he does love me

I rave about tiny loggers and the deforestation of my old growth nerves
and he nods as his retirement fund draws interest
He sets me on my favourite chair
and I sit huddling like Lennie's hare
I really do love my dentist
and he really does love me

For you see
he has drugs
and he's always willing to share

He stabs and squirts thrice
I'm thinking life's been a slice
But dawn breaks
Pain pulls up stakes
So I give him a kiss for the bell he unrung
and then add a little bit of tongue

My dentist loves me
and I love my dentist
and now he know just how much I care


[Edit: Poem unchanged. Added prompt and margin issues.]

[Szilard]

6 no shows? :smallfrown:

Seems it's past the deadline though, so I'll get on judging.

As for you parodoxymoron, maybe try white text with periods to fill up the empty space? I don't know if you can change it after the deadline though, as there's no way to know if that's the only thing you changed.

[Weezer]

6 no shows? :smallfrown:

Seems it's past the deadline though, so I'll get on judging.

As for you parodoxymoron, maybe try white text with periods to fill up the empty space? I don't know if you can change it after the deadline though, as there's no way to know if that's the only thing you changed.

That must be some kind of record. :smallfrown:

I'll start working on my judgements.

[SaintRidley]

If it's helpful for anyone in the future, the color code for invisitext within a spoiler box is COLOR="#E3E9DB". You should be able to throw in periods under that to arrange the text as you would like. Like I said, formatting mine for the board was not fun, and figuring that out and tweaking the periods was why.

[The Extinguisher]

Does the /code tag work on these forums? Ive found that usefulon other forums because it preserves all of the formatting.

[Szilard]

I'm pretty sure the code tag works. But it would only preserve spacing. Not so much italics or whatever else people might do to poems. I think.

Test.
Test.
Test. Test.
Evidently it does preserve italics and whatnot. Guess font could be changed to one's liking too.

Test test test.
Well, now we know how to make poems I guess.

[Zjoot]

So, what are we going to do about the no-show matchup?

[CWater]

Damn :smallfrown: I just remembered about this and the deadline had already passed..

Really sorry about that..

[paradoxymoron]

Thanks for the tips SaintRidley and Szilard. I guess maybe someone's sig stretched the margin because everything looks fine now. Good to know for next time, though.

[Haruki-kun]

So, what are we going to do about the no-show matchup?

If one person in a match-up showed, that person automatically wins. If neither shows up, both lose and the match-ups are re-arranged for the next round.

[leakingpen]

I'm sorry, i wasn't watching the thread, so I didn't even know the round had started!

[Zjoot]

If one person in a match-up showed, that person automatically wins. If neither shows up, both lose and the match-ups are re-arranged for the next round.

Yeah, I was referring to the round where nobody showed up. Do we just do a 3 person match up next round then?

[Haruki-kun]

Yeah, I was referring to the round where nobody showed up. Do we just do a 3 person match up next round then?

Vaynor moves things around to make it work, yes. 3 person match-ups happen sometimes.

[Szilard]

Iron Poet XVIII: Round 1

Cuthalion vs. Haruki-kun: Inadequate
Inadequate
adjective
1. not adequate or sufficient; inept or unsuitable.
2. Psychiatry. ineffectual in response to emotional, social, intellectual, and physical demands in the absence of any obvious mental or physical deficiency.

Cuthalion
First impressions: I liked it. Nice, whimsical, but sad. The rhyming was good, and for the most part it flowed well. Bonus points for having eucalyptus too, since I just did a research paper on eucalypts. :smalltongue:

Delving deeper: The first four lines are pretty much perfect. It took me until the second or third reading to notice there was a slant rhyme.
Now these two lines "I asked if we should think about a future spent together, / If together we should stay, through the sun and through bad weather." seem a tad... eh. They're a bit long, and they don't flow quite as well as the rest of the poem. You could probably cut out "spent" and half the words in the second clause of the second line, getting you "I asked if we should think about a future together, / If together we should stay, through sun and bad weather." It kind of messes up the parallel structure, but I think it rolls off the tounge better. Just my opinion. Something also feels off about "No, I'm sorry, but you're really not enough,/ I love you, I do, but you don't quite have the stuff." but I can't put my finger on it. The rest of the poem is pretty good. Overall, I liked it.

Haruki-kunFirst impressions: I like the rhyming. Rhyming is always fun. I'm not quite sure what the speaker is talking about, but I suppose it'd be unpoetic to make things too obvious. I'm assuming he's working a job and everyone else is doing things better?

Delving deeper: I love the figurative language. "Seasons gone by" is a good way to tell how much time has been spent. Fuel pumping hearts, masks, masterful sonnets, all good stuff. Rhyming works well. Reading more, I can see that the poems more about someone growing old and everyone surpassing them. Or, I guess that's my interpretation of it at least. The ending's good too.

Verdict:
I really loved both of them. It'd be great if one of you two were in the prompt that didn't have any entries, then you both could advance. Alas, I can only choose one of you to advance. While I really liked story and feel behind Cuthalion's poem, I feel that Haruki-kun's was the better written poem. The language is spot on, and it can really be appreciated on rereads. Again, both excellent poems. Also they both fit the prompt quite well, I almost forgot to mention that.
Dimonite vs. Elvaris: GutturalGuttural
Noun
1. a consonant articulated in the back of the mouth or throat
adjective
1. related to or articulated in the throat
2. like the sound of frogs and crows

DimoniteFirst impressions: Definitely a funny poem. I love the rhyme scheme (I've always been more of a fan of alternating rhymes rather than one after the other. Adds more continuity, or something). The ending was great, and the prompt was used well.

Delving deeper: The use of language is done well. The words are evocative: bright summer's day, sudden darkness, growl of menace, prickling, pounding, foul, flee, shed, shrewd, and whatnot. I also love how we never actually see the animal, and it is simply a noise. Very very fitting of the prompt. All around excellent poem.

ElvarisFirst impressions: seems to me just two voices yelling at each other. Overall a very serious poem, and I really like the last line.

Delving deeper: "Each giving voice to the gravity of the moment" seems like a bit long of a line after several short lines. It's kind of jarring is all. You have no rhyme scheme or real structure (other than vague symmetry with 4-6-4), so it seems it'd be an easy fix to shorten or break up the line (or perhaps moved part to the previous line?). Another interesting area is "Separating a champion/ Anointing a legend/ And relegating one back/ Into the ranks of the ordinary." The first two lines are done really well, but I feel the second to fall short of what came before (which I guess would fit the symbolism of hte poem, one rising, another falling). You have these really descriptive words for the winner, but why not the loser? You can separate a champion from the loser, or anoint a legend, leaving the ordinary. I don't know, I feel I'm making too much a fuss, so I'll stop with that. As I mentioned earlier, I really like the last two lines.

Verdict
I think I prefer Dimonite's poem. The story and the language seemed so much more, while Elvaris' seemed very vague. I think if there's one thing I learned from these poetry contests, it's that being specific creates a poem applicable to a larger number of people. Which is oddly contradictory, but it manages to work.

Alarra vs. WhiteRider: Younger
Younger
adjective
1. compar. of young.
2. (usually initial capital letter ) (used to designate the junior of two related persons bearing the same name): Charles the Younger ruled after his father abdicated.

Alarra
First impressions: Wow that's long, time to hop in. *dive* I like the voice, and I like the rhyme. Definitely giving the feel of a younger sibling. A very spoiled younger sibling I might add. Reminds me of my sister. :smalltongue: Then I got to the ending and I realized it's the older sibling who's jealous of the younger. Wow, that was twisty (not sure if it was meant to be though).

Delving deeper: I believe "of Dumbo and is feather" was probably meant to be "his feather." And now knowing the speaker is the older sibling, this reads a whole lot differently. I love poems that do this, changing themselves upon rereads. Then again, reading, I guess I wasn't supposed to assume this was the younger sibling in the first place. I blame the prompt. :smalltongue: No complaints. Again, love the ending.

WhiteRider
:smallfrown:

Verdict
I have nothing to compare. I'll reiterate that I loved Alarra's poem. I guess I'd have more to say if there was another poem to love.
Techwarrior vs. The Extinguisher: Sensation
Sensation
noun
1. the operation or function of the senses; perception or awareness of stimuli through the senses.
2. a mental condition or physical feeling resulting from stimulation of a sense organ or from internal bodily change, as cold or pain.
3. Physiology . the faculty of perception of stimuli.
4. a general feeling not directly attributable to any given stimulus, as discomfort, anxiety, or doubt.
5. a mental feeling, especially a state of excited feeling.

Techwarrior
:smallfrown:

The Extinguisher
First Impressions: I'll assume "Falling" is the title? The feeling I'm getting is a gang war and/or love story where the speaker is dying? Falling and dying seem to go hand in hand, falling down as you die, then falling away from life. I'll definitely need to reread this one or two more times.

Delving deeper: Okay, definitely about someone dying, I get that. I like this poem. I'm not even sure why. I don't know why he died (though there may be some implications I'm missing, having to do with a loved one and things stolen?). It reads well, so no complaints about language. And I like the ending.

Verdict
Again, nothing to compare, so it just goes to The Extinguisher.
zetsu1919 vs. Viera Champion: Arboreal
:smallfrown::smallfrown::smallfrown:
CWater vs. SaintRidley: Wasteful
Wasteful
adjective
1. given to or characterized by useless consumption or expenditure: wasteful methods; a wasteful way of life.
2. grossly extravagant; prodigal: a wasteful party.
3. devastating or destructive: wasteful war.

CWater
:smallfrown:

SaintRidley
First Impressions: Ooo, funky structure, this should be fun. At first I wasn't sure whether to read from left to right both sides or column by column, but I quickly figured it out. Looks like it's about all the trash in the oceans (definitely about waste then), but I don't quite get what's going on in the right column.

Delving deeper: Trash being animals (because they're killing and replacing animals) is nice. Well, it's not nice, but it fits the theme, and is some nice literary language. Are the indented lines supposed to be read in both columns? They fit well, which'd be good if that was your intention. If it wasn't your intention, it still fits well. :smalltongue: Now the second column, are they fishing? Is that why they're waiting around? Waiting even though it seems the fish are gone? Overall though, I like the poem, and I like how you played with structure.

Verdict
SaintRidley.
Amidus Drexel vs. paradoxymoron: Insistent
Insistent
adjective
1. earnest or emphatic in dwelling upon, maintaining, or demanding something; persistent; pertinacious.
2.compelling attention or notice: an insistent tone.

Amidus Drexel
First Impression: so there's nature and stuff. Wind wants to be listened to.

Delving deeper: Okay, on an undistracted reread, I see what you're saying. The wind is telling people to listen to the silent earth. And this silence is inspiring to writers. Which makes sense. I can dig it. No complaints from me.

Paradoxymoron
First Impressions: Teeth being testicles sounds kind of nasty, but otherwise it's a funny poem, not sure how it fits the prompt.

Delving deeper: I like the reference to Lennie's hare. And all the metaphors. The communal relationship is nice. Dentist uses patient for money, patient uses dentist for drugs. The kiss at the end is odd, but love is love, eh?

Verdict
I'm going to go with Amidus Drexel because his poem fits the prompt more so than Paradoxymoron. Though I did like Paradoxymoron's poem. Nice and funny.
leakingpen vs. Zjoot: Blossom
Blossom
noun Botany .
1. the flower of a plant, especially of one producing an edible fruit.
2. the state of flowering: The apple tree is in blossom.
verb (used without object)
3. Botany . to produce or yield blossoms.
4. to flourish; develop (often followed by into or out ): a writer of commercial jingles who blossomed out into an important composer.
5. (of a parachute) to open.

Leakingpen
:smallfrown:

Zjoot
First impressions: 2nd person, that's interesting. Killer flowers, also interesting. Seems like a drug trip. And then you (I?) die. Huh.

Delving deeper: I like the language, specifically the figurative stuff like the owl and mouse. Then there's crazy flowers. I would not want to be caught in that room, that's for sure. Scary and interesting stuff, I like it.

Verdict
Zjoot.

[SaintRidley]

Szilard:

Second column is about time wasting away. The indented lines are meant to go with both columns, so good catch.

The second section of the poem, after the first union of columns, is designed to be separate columns but readable across as well, with the idea that the two are wasting effort in trying to understand each other's perspectives. I may need to play with structure some more to make that work better.

[Szilard]

Szilard:

Second column is about time wasting away. The indented lines are meant to go with both columns, so good catch.

The second section of the poem, after the first union of columns, is designed to be separate columns but readable across as well, with the idea that the two are wasting effort in trying to understand each other's perspectives. I may need to play with structure some more to make that work better.

MINDSPLOSION. Wow. That is good. I'm not sure how I didn't catch that. Seems so obvious now...

[Cuthalion]

Szilard:

As I said, it wasn't as good as I liked, mostly because I was imagining it as a song, with the part at the end being the chorus. I could have been a lot more satisfied with that.

[Alarra]

Szliard
Glad you liked it. Yes, I noticed that typo, but didn't want to change it because I shouldn't edit things after the deadline. :smalltongue: I think I'm going to turn this into a children's book. Think it's a good idea?

[paradoxymoron]

Szilard:
When I wrote this, I had two waiting root canals and another tooth that was dying so I was pretty much incapable of thinking of anything more insistent than tooth pain. I agree that it didn't come through very well in the poem but I liked it too much not to submit it.
Oh well, that was a blast and I'm looking forward to the next one. Thanks for your time.

[The Extinguisher]

Szilard:

Yeah, Falling was the title. Maybe I should have done something to it to make it more obvious?

The ending is my favourite part, I think. It went through about a dozen rewrites. I wasn't sure whether to end it happy or sad or something else. I think accepting was probably the best end for it though.

Glad you liked it.

[Szilard]

Szilard:

As I said, it wasn't as good as I liked, mostly because I was imagining it as a song, with the part at the end being the chorus. I could have been a lot more satisfied with that.
I still liked it quite a bit. :smallsmile:


Szliard
Glad you liked it. Yes, I noticed that typo, but didn't want to change it because I shouldn't edit things after the deadline. :smalltongue: I think I'm going to turn this into a children's book. Think it's a good idea?
I think that'd be a wonderful idea! :smallbiggrin:


Szilard:
When I wrote this, I had two waiting root canals and another tooth that was dying so I was pretty much incapable of thinking of anything more insistent than tooth pain. I agree that it didn't come through very well in the poem but I liked it too much not to submit it.
Oh well, that was a blast and I'm looking forward to the next one. Thanks for your time.

Ah, that makes sense. I had my wisdom teeth pulled about a month ago. I guess I forgot how demanding teeth were in the mean time. :smalltongue:


Szilard:

Yeah, Falling was the title. Maybe I should have done something to it to make it more obvious?

The ending is my favourite part, I think. It went through about a dozen rewrites. I wasn't sure whether to end it happy or sad or something else. I think accepting was probably the best end for it though.

Glad you liked it.
Nah, it was pretty obvious. I was just making sure. The ending's my favorite part too.

[Vaynor]

Well now that the forums are back up, we just need a few more judgments!

[Cuthalion]

I heartily agree.
*looks around*
Well.

[Weezer]

I should get them up tomorrow, sunday at the latest. I only really have free time on the weekends. Sorry for the delay.

[Vaynor]

It's all good, a delay is expected with every round, at this point. And the forums going down certainly didn't help.

[SaintRidley]

Just, erm, bumping for the benefit of the judges.

Bonus material - my first round entry from Iron Poet XVI got published. Very pleased about that.

[Weezer]

I'm really sorry about the delay, the forums going down pushed this right into the middle of finals, so I haven't had much time until today to work on them.


Younger

Alarra

As always, I really like it, great imagery and rhythm. Took be a bit to get the connection to the prompt, wasn't particularly quick on picking up who the pronouns were, but that was probably my fault. Once I saw it I Not sure if I can think of any major critiques, as always an excellent submission.

WhiteRider

No Poem

Verdict

Alarra by defaut

Guttural

Elvaris

I tend to write short poems as well, appreciate not being alone. Very clear connection to the prompt, with both the subject matter and the “feel” I got from the poem. The flow was a bit off, some of the lines/words felt a bit rough. Line 4 was quite unwieldy compared to the shortness and intensity of the rest of the lines, could use a bit of polish.

Dimonite

Very lighthearted and fun, quite different in tone than the prompt itself while still having it obviously present. I can't really say why but it didn't really “grab” me. I hate not being able to give reasons for my opinions in judgements, but it is what it is.

Verdict

Elvaris for what felt like a more intimate connection to the prompt.

Inadequate

Cuthalion

Firstly, what is a 'somebudgie'? Is that a type of budgerigar, or a made up word? Secondly, I really like it. Structurally interesting, not tied strictly to a form but with enough to tie it together. Especially enjoyed the mix of half and full rhymes, though some of the lines were a bit long, in particular the “If together we should stay, through the sun and through bad weather.
“ line. Feels like a bit of trimming would really help maintain a consistent rhythm.

Haruki-kun

Structurally I was not a big fan of the poem. I find it very hard for rhyming couplets to come off as anything other than incredibly trite and/or sing-song. There were also some kind of awkward lines, such as “to achieve the same as those fine-tuned machines” that didn't really match the flow of the rest of the piece. Content wise, I definitely liked it, fighting against others superiority followed by resignation to your inadequacy is a powerful and relatable message. I also enjoyed your imagery, nicely balanced between too concrete and too abstract.


Verdict

Haruki-kun, for excellent imagery and a message I really empathized with

Sensation

Techwarrior

no poem

The Extinguisher

An interesting exploration of the sensations surrounding death. It seem to start off harsher, with lines like “The shock of hearing everything I said The pattern on a sidewalk turning red “ and “Maybe I'll escape the looming abyss”, but transitioned into an acceptance of death and a softer, almost drifting away sense comes to the fore. I really liked it and it's definitely a poem that bears multiple readings.


Verdict

Extinquisher by default

Arboreal

No Poems :smallfrown:


Wasteful


Cwater

No Poem

SaintRidley

Really interesting structure, two separate but connected experiences of wastefulness, one observed, one enacted. It's also interesting how neither can see the wastefulness the other is experiencing right next to them, nice touch. Great idea and great execution, I especially enjoyed the trash as animals imagery. All in all a very well written poem.

Verdict

SaintRidley by default



Insistent

Amidus Drexel

I'll admit, I have a soft spot for nature poems and this is an excellent example of one. Nature constantly calls out, the landscape has a voice and that voice is the silent earth. I really, really like it.

paradoxymoron

Pretty funny, with some nicely evocative imagery (particularly liked “Morbidly obese centipedes have begun to ice-skate on my nerves”). Also the two way “using” of the relationship, for drugs and money. Though not really seeing the connection to the prompt

Verdict

Amidus Drexel

Blossom

Leakingpen

No Poem

Zjoot

My first impression was weird and creepy. The language really draws me in, though the mother part gets a bit too Freudian for my tastes. An image? Hallucination? of your mother's younger self luring you into her “flower”... I'm not sure if that was intended, but once I thought of it I couldn't get it out of my head. All in all I'm not sure what I make of it, but it's certainly interesting.

Verdict

Zjoot by default

[Zjoot]

@ Weezer:
:smalleek: That was not intended at all! I think the reason I put that hallucination in there was more as a callback to the person's childhood to contrast with death and decay. I think I'll have to choose my imagery a bit more carefully next time.

EDIT: Oh yeah, I also wanted to mention that I'm running a version of this competition on Tumblr (http://iron-poet-i.tumblr.com/). It's already in progress, but you can check out the poems if you like.

[Halberd]

Many, many apologies. The forums were down, and then AP testing combined with a PbP game made me forget about this for a good while. I'm only going to judge the categories with two submissions.

Elvaris vs. Dimonite
Prompt: Guttural
Elvaris:
Sparse, brutal, yet beautiful in its own way. The word choice does an excellent job of creating a "guttural" atmosphere, too. I also like the way the duality between the two shouts was expressed- one in anguish, one in victory, yet both so powerful emotionally. The relative lack of structure also fits perfectly. All in all, this was amazing, and the closest thing I can find to a fault is that the fourth line is a little too long.
Dimonite:
Well, it was certainly well-executed and relatable. The rhyme scheme was rock-solid, with no slants or near-rhymes, although it did stretch the word choice a little beyond what felt natural ("something made to rend and rip", "lightened up my gait") Meter-wise, its lines don't seem to follow any particular pattern, although it flows pretty well if you stress the right syllables. However, its main flaw was that it was just kind of prosaic and a bit lighthearted for my taste.
Verdict:
Elvaris, mostly as a matter of taste. I just am really biased towards serious, dark, free-verse poems, especially if they're done as well as this is. Besides, it fits the prompt better.
Cuthalion vs. Haruki-kun
Prompt: Inadequate
Cuthalion:
Well, making the love interest a bird was an interesting choice, though the term "fluffy somebudgie" was just excessively cutesy. The story was quite nice and very relatable- the ending was very emotionally resonant as well. The word choice was a bit simplistic, but effective. The fourth line could have been worked in a bit better- I know it's to show a detail, but the wording just feels rather clumsy, with a slant rhyme to boot. The varying line lengths felt intentional and not negligent or structureless, and in fact added to the poem's emotional impact a good deal. Though this poem was by no means perfect, it had a lot of heart and was enjoyable to read.
Haruki-Kun:
The tale of a creative well running dry is one we have all experienced at some point, and you capture it well- the acute feelings of inadequacy and falsehood, the jealousy for those who continue churning out masterpieces, the temptation to quit. I must congratulate you on making the rhyming couplet form work- it somehow manages to make a relatively serious-feeling poem that has a rhyme scheme that serves it rather than vice versa, which is quite a difficult task with this format. The imagery and metaphors are excellent as well (heart's fuel running dry, the mask of competence, etc.), and you aren't too reliant upon them, either. Overall, a wonderful poem.
Verdict:
Both were quite relatable and emotional, but the winner is Haruki-kun, for what felt like a more polished poem with better imagery.
Amidus Drexel vs. paradoxymoron
Prompt: Insistent
Amidus Drexel:
An interesting treatment of the "nature poem" genre. I like how the winds are described as "hellish" and try to get the listener to hear the voiceless and inanimate land. Rhyme scheme is flawless, and the meter is mostly fine, with one exception. The syllable emphasis seems to lean toward iambic trimeter, but the thirteenth line seems off- the word "listen" has a definite first-syllable bias that doesn't fit the beat. Also, I'm not sure what the significance of the "writer" at the end is. Is he recording what he heard from the winds? Is he writing in the earth so it can have a memory recorded in it at last? I have no idea. Nice poem, though.
paradoxymoron:
Well, these are some of the most creative pain metaphors I've seen in a while (Deforestation of old-growth nerves? Clever indeed), and the "insistence" of the pain works the prompt in nicely. The speaker's relationship with the dentist is revealed with a perfectly balanced combination of subtlety and frankness. The rhymes were well done for the most part, although the rhymes in the fifth stanza bug me due to the lack of parallelism with the other stanzas. Also, the word "know" in the last line is improperly conjugated, though that might just be a typo. Still, this is a rare example of a "humor" poem appealing to me. Nice work.
Verdict:
I'm going to go with the minority decision here and pick paradoxymoron, due to his poem making more sense and being more of a pleasure to read. Also, it totally fits the prompt. Not sure what the other judges were talking about there.

[Vaynor]

Congratulations to the winners of the first round:

Haruki-kun
Elvaris
Alarra
The Extinguisher
SaintRidley
Amidus Drexel
Zjoot

New round will be up shortly!

Iron Poet XVIII: Round 2

One three-way match was unavoidable this round, but there can only be one winner! I'll need a score for each participant in the relevant trio (score of 1, 2, or 3) to ascertain a winner.

This round, we're going to mix things up a bit. Instead of being given a word or a picture (or both) to base your poem on as usual, you will instead be assigned a group of words to be included in your poem. These words do not have to be included thematically, but they must each be used at least once. Your poem can use these words in ways other than simple inclusion, but it is not necessary.

Zjoot vs. Elvaris vs. The Extinguisher: blend, case, punishment, lung
SaintRidley vs. Alarra: doll, brick, carefully, spaghetti
Haruki-kun vs. Amidus Drexel: hospital, January, squeak, lawn

Deadline: Monday, May 27th 2013 at 11:59 pm (EDT).

[Haruki-kun]

Ooooh. A new twist. I like it! *goes to wonder what to write*

[Amidus Drexel]

Something very morbid has popped into my head, so with any luck, we'll avoid that. :smallamused:

Sounds like fun.

@v Nah, but it would probably force my pen back to the morbid thought. :smallamused:

[Vaynor]

After 18 contests it's hard to mix things up, but I try to throw in a fresh twist every once in a while!

I almost gave you "lawnmower" instead of "lawn" but I thought that might be a bit too hard. Well, actually, it has a certain zombie ring to it...

[Alarra]

Words: doll, brick, carefully, spaghetti

The Last
I weave through abandoned Honda husks
that clog the once bustling roadways.
Weeds break concrete, crumble bricks,
as nature seeks to reclaim the urban sprawl.
My steps echo hollow in the unnatural silence,
carrying my corpse ever forward.

Splintered porcelain crunches beneath my heel,
hand, arm, foot, a fragment of rosy cheek.
I see the doll posed, bowed and pristine,
lovingly settled atop your dresser.
Tears well, burning eyes, throat and chest.
I marvel that my corpse can still cry.

The streets grow wider, warmer. Sunshine
dappled through unappreciated leaves
as skyscrapers succumb to parks and manors.
I measure blocks in steps, even, unending,
tapping out the proper penance, cadence
for a corpse with no choice but to carry on.

Gnarled gates rise above me. Wrought iron angels
pricking between my shoulder blades with judgmental gaze.
The rows of stone echo my need for pattern, order,
calm settling as I march carefully between and around
until the last plots, last row, surface before me,
reminding that I can’t take the place of the corpse within.

I kneel, hands clasping at fresh turned dirt,
growing muddy under unrestrained tears.
My stomach aches, tied not in knots, but
a tangled ball of spaghetti, pulling spine and navel
close together until spasms rock my sides,
and I can’t stop the scream that comes every day,

“Why am I still here!?”

[The Extinguisher]

Early post but I really don't want to accidentally miss the dead line

words: blend, case, punishment, lung

“Addicted to Myself”

Well it’s hard to fight the future
When I'm stuck here own my own
And every dollar that I earn is spent on you
And I know it’s not the case that
I’d be lost here own my own
But every second I'm alone it feels more true

And it’s punishment enough
Not knowing what I'm for
And I cannot face myself
When you’re knocking on my door
And it’s punishment enough
Not knowing why I'm here
But I can’t live with myself
When I'm living with this fear

And this plethora of poison
I pump into my lungs
Is enough to make me want to call it quits
But I'm scared of consequences
And I'm scared to face the facts
But most of all I'm scared that I won’t fit

And it’s punishment enough
Not knowing what I'm for
And I cannot face myself
When you’re knocking down my door
And it’s punishment enough
Not knowing why I'm here
But I can’t live with myself
When I'm living with this fear

And I can’t stand up to the crowd any more
Can’t fight for the things I believe in
And I won’t blend into the crowd any more
It’s the only way I know to say I'm leaving

And it’s punishment enough
Not knowing what I'm for
And I cannot face myself
When you’re knocking down my door
And it’s punishment enough
Not knowing why I'm here
But I can’t live with myself
When I'm living with this fear

And it’s punishment enough
Not knowing why I'm here
But I can’t live with myself
When I'm living with this fear
No I can’t live with myself
When I know that you are near




Hurglbtghedrr Google Drive uses a different apostrophe that looks awful everywhere else.

[SaintRidley]

Words: Doll, Carefully, Brick, Spaghetti

Daughter
When you sit on your bed like that,
propped up against your pillows,
your stuffed animals carefully arranged—
each in its place
lined up and set
neat and orderly by size and shape
so the bears and the superheroes don’t mix
except for the one that is both—
all this order contrasts
with you, my little spaghetti-head,
with your tangled mess of hair,
meatball-red cheeks,
and your freckles like flecks of fresh basil.

I think back to the first time
we played catch together,
looked at the stars together,
had a tea party together,
built a birdhouse together—
all these firsts
brick and mortar
we put in place to make
a foundation, a wall, a house,
our happy home
and on the wall we hang
our other firsts:
first steps,
first swim,
first day of school
the thread and needle
with which we weave our tapestry.

And how many firsts
are yet to come?
Our home and tapestry
are not done
nor will they be until I am gone,
nor have they started,
my daughter,
my doll,
my not-yet-here
and object of imagination.

You are not yet here,
but you will be
and when you are
we will weave that tapestry
and lay those bricks
and build our firsts from Legos,
photos, and spaghetti (with meatballs,
and you’ll know your favorite food),
play with wooden swords and balls,
story-time and dolls,
and you’ll always know that I care,
fully and only,
for your happiness,
for bringing you from my dreams
right now
into my reality
whenever you arrive.

[Amidus Drexel]

Words: hospital, January, squeak, lawn

A Winter At Jeane-Paule’s Saint Marie’s
In January came a quite gentle rain
That washed away the grease and grime.
And some would name (without threat of pain)
A hospital still open in ice and in rime.

Though physicians and nurses had long since been furious,
The clients and patients were like unto curious
That a building with two feet of snow on the lawn
Was clearly still open from midnight ‘til dawn.

Saint Marie’s was the name of the place,
And the owner’s was Philippe Jeane-Paule.
He was a Frenchman with a golden Swiss watch
And a heart like a frozen steel wall.

No kind of wintery weather could faze him,
Nor paltry precipitation delay him.
With each squeak of frustration and angry rant
His (quite punctual) orders were promptly sent.

Philippe was no doctor (and he made this quite clear
To any that asked), nor was he a seer;
But he ran that old clinic like a well-oiled machine
And no nurse had ever thought to call him mean

For Jeane-Paule was not pleasant, but his deeds were good;
Saint Marie’s had never once closed.
Not in spring, nor summer, nor winter, nor fall;
From daybreak until again the sun rose.

[Elvaris]

Glad I still have my extension. This one's going to be a challenge even at that.

[Haruki-kun]

The Sound of Snow

The lovely sound of January mornings,
the kind of thing I will never forget.
The sweet embrace of winter before me,
the wind and the clouds, their joyous duet.

The lawn shining bright in mid-winter’s grasp,
roads thawing quickly, too bad it won’t last.
The squeak of a sweet squirrel in the bushes,
Beholding in awe the spell nature cast.

But like a story reaching finale,
and like all seasons come to meet their end,
I left that land of blizzards and snowflakes,
and my memories soon began to blend.

The people I knew, the sights I once saw,
have turned to flat lines in hospital gloom.
And now I know what I took for granted,
but nothing can stop oblivion: it's doomed.

[Elvaris]

Prompts: blend, case, punishment, lung


Which trial?
"Hear ye! Hear ye! A court this day
Will hear the trial of Anna May.
Of witchcraft foul she stands accused,
Midst claims she has dark magic used."

"Good sheriff please present your case.
What brings us now unto this place?"
"This woman's vile, unholy rites
Have withered crops and conjured blights."

"Now Anna here's a chance to speak,
For justice fair is what we seek.
This charge is grave. So what say you?"
"I'm not a witch. It's just not true."

"My child's struck mute" came from the crowd.
"Because she thought he spoke too loud!"
"She lamed my cow!" "She spoiled the well!"
"My child's possessed!" "My silo fell!"

"A drought!" "Miscarriage!" "Bunions!" More.
The shouts did blend into a roar.
Until the judge held up his hand
And bid poor Anna take the stand.

"It's time to hear your best defense,
Against the mounting evidence.
Now's the time to be heard."
"I'm not a witch. I give my word."

"Her word means naught in light of ours.
We call upon your judgely powers.
She stands against the entire town.
Into the river may she drown."

"The test for witchcraft is quite clear.
The river's pull will tear you dear.
With powers dark can ye save
Or find thee in an watery grave."

Her arms and legs securely tied
Into the water did she slide
And just before she slipped below,
"I'm not a witch. Please let me go."

Her bonds fell loose, her face at rest,
She rose above the water's crest.
The mob as one moaned in despair
As Anna filled her lungs with air.

"You'll hear what I have to say.
There'll be no punishment today.
For while I do have powers true,
I've never used them against you."

"No wilted crops, no weather changed.
No child unnaturally deranged.
The truth is out and now you see.
I am a witch. Now leave me be."

[Vaynor]

One no-show, but at least it was a convenient one. Now we don't have a three-way match anymore.

[Szilard]

Zjoot v. Elvaris v. The Extinguisher
blend, case, punishment, lung
Zjoot
No show :smallfrown:
Elvaris
First Impressions: I can dig it. I like the rhyme scheme, made it feel like a song. The story is fun too. Silly witches.
Delving deeper: All the words from the prompt are there, so that's good. No deeper meaning pops out other than the perils of mob psychology. Altogether a fun little poem.
The Extinguisher
First Impressions: Maybe I read it too fast. He's addicted to himself, as the title suggests, but there's some other addictions in there too (smoking?) And I guess another person involved? I gotta reread this.
Delving deeper: Okay, I think I get it now. The you is whatever he's addicted to, but the you is him. Like, he's addicted to how he feels on cigarettes (or whatever the addiction is), even though he hates them. Okay, that's cool.
Verdict
Elvaris.
SaintRidley v. Alarra
doll, brick, carefully, spaghetti
SaintRidley
First impressions: Cute. There's not much more to say. I like legos.
Delving Deeper: This just gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.
Alarra
First Impressions: An undying person in a dead world? Interesting (or I'm just bad at reading).
Delving deeper: I can't imagine the horror of being a sentient zombie. But this certainly captures that.
Verdict:
SaintRidley.
Haruki-kun v. Amidus Drexel
hospital, January, squeak, lawn
Haruki-kun
First impressions: a sweet poem that took a turn for the sad at the end. Nice and succinct.
Delving deeper: This reminds me of a line or two from Piano Man: "It's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete when I wore a younger man's clothes." This matches pretty well. One never really does appreciate what they have when they're in the moment. Sad part of life I suppose.
Amidus Drexel
First impressions: I was about to say how odd it was that you both had hospitals in wintertime, when I remembered the prompt. :smalltongue: I like the rhyme, gives it a nice quality. Jeane-Paule seems like a cool guy.
Delving deeper: I like it.
Verdict
Amidus Drexel

[Amidus Drexel]

@SzilardThat was a interesting set of words to work with, for sure. Honestly, I wasn't entirely happy with the meter of the poem, but I didn't really leave myself much time to clean that up.

[Halberd]

Zjoot vs. Elvaris vs. The Extinguisher
Prompt: blend, case, punishment, lung

Elvaris:
Nice take on the "witch trial" motif- the witch is guilty of possessing powers yet innocent of wrongdoing. I was a bit confused by her insistence that she wasn't a witch before saying that she was just a few lines later, but perhaps she was denying that she was what the townsfolk perceived as a witch. Mechanics-wise, the rhymes are perfect and the structure is a mostly solid iambic tetrameter. The only awkward spot (beyond the occasional odd emphasis) is the "with powers dark can ye save" line. It has seven syllables and just screws up the flow horribly. Otherwise, excellently done.

The Extinguisher:

The structure is interesting, with the repeating refrain making it seem more like song lyrics than a traditional "poem." I reread it a couple times before I could be sure what it was about, but I'm pretty sure it's about addiction to smoking. The speaker realizes he can't live with his expensive addiction, and tries to come to terms with it (it's the 'you' that is at his door). Yet he seems to have difficulty quitting, partially due to peer pressure and the desire to remain in the crowd. But the main thing that inhibits him is a realization that his addiction is an extension of himself, and therefore he is fighting himself. This sends him into deep self-doubt and insecurity. Perhaps I'm overanalyzing this, but it's quite nice nonetheless.

Verdict:
This was an extremely difficult decision. Elvaris's was clearer and more pleasurable to read, but I ended up choosing The Extinguisher for having a cleverer poem that took more risks and made me think a little.

SaintRidley vs. Alarra
Prompt: doll, brick, carefully, spaghetti

SaintRidley:
This does an excellent job of capturing warm, fuzzy, lovely feelings. Sometimes our fantasies can indeed be almost as emotional and detailed as reality, and in some ways, more. It has no real structure, but the language and internal rhymes give it its own little musicality. The spaghetti was wonderfully woven in, by the way. Nicely done.

Alarra:
Some of the best imagery I've seen in a while. Almost prose-like, but not quite. The words that describe the lost and empty streets not only give you a sense of what they look like, but also of the utter forlorn emptiness that suffuses a postapocalyptic world, as well as the last human alive inside it. That human's anguish, as well as his spiritual death, is exquisitely put across. It makes a strong case that death is often preferable to survival in a world where life has no meaning.

Verdict:
Both were resonant emotionally (though in very different ways) but I'll give my vote to Alarra because I'm a sucker for great word choice.

Haruki-kun vs. Amidus Drexel
Prompt: hospital, January, squeak, lawn

Haruki-kun:
Beautiful and subtly melancholy. The final reflections of the speaker, looking out at a beautiful January day as he peacefully passes away. The rhymes are nice, simple ABCBs and the meter is relatively freeform- no real flaws here. Anyway, I loved how winter's association with the end of life as well as its beauty were worked into this simultaneously.The memories dissolving into flat lines at the end were excellent imagery-wise as well.

Amidus Drexel:
Interesting- somehow I think your morbid poem would have been better than this. Still, this is quite well done. The words do a solid job of establishing the character of Philippe and seem to put across the message that even the harshest people have a place in this world. The rhymes are nice, if somewhat clumsy. The parentheticals, though I don't find them stylistically to my taste, were integrated into the poem surprisingly well. The poem's style seemed to demand a meter of some sort, yet it didn't seem to have any steady pattern, instead opting for something a bit freer- I can't decide if I like this or not. Overall nice, if a bit unpolished.

Verdict:
Haruki-kun for a poem that was more polished and emotional.

[The Extinguisher]

Hey, I'm just making sure everyone is still alive here. Are we getting a judgement soon or something?

Also, to Szilard and Halbred
I wasn't actually going for smoking exactly, but I don't think there's anything else that kinda fits that idea. Oh hey subconscious, nice to hear from you again.

[Szilard]

I PMed Weezer once or twice, but no reply yet. :smallfrown:

[Vaynor]

Sorry I've been really busy, guys. I'll try to have some tiebreaking figured out tomorrow so we can move this forward. Unless a contestant that's been knocked out wants to take up a judge spot?

[SaintRidley]

Just checking that the round didn't die entirely. Bueller?

[Vaynor]

Many apologies, I've been absolutely swamped. Didn't help that this round was extremely difficult to judge, all of the poems were so good. Also doesn't help that both of the other judges couldn't decide on a single one.

Winners of the round are:
Amidus Drexel
Alarra
Elvaris

Iron Poet XVIII: Round 3
Amidus Drexel vs. Alarra vs. Elvaris: This round is going to be a little bit different. It's a three way match, and since we'll be assigning point values for voting I'm going to leave your prompt a bit more open than usual. For this round, you will select a poem of your choice (this can be your favorite poem by a famous poet or the poem your sister wrote for you on your birthday card) and base your poem on that one. This can involve simply drawing inspiration from it, using a similar structure/rhyme scheme, using the same topic/theme, or whatever else suits your fancy. Please provide the full text of the poem you are using before your actual poem, and make sure they are clearly distinguished (if the poem is too long you can also just reproduce the section you're interested in, but make sure there's enough for the judges to get a good idea of your inspiration). If you have any questions, or anything in the instructions is unclear, let me know! Best of luck!

Deadline: Saturday, August 3rd 2013 at 11:59 pm EDT.

[Amidus Drexel]

Er... wow. That is really, really wide open. Um... Hrm.

>.>
<.<

[Alarra]

Oooh, fun. I already have my favorite poem picked out. :smallsmile:

[Elvaris]

I... um... I... have to figure out which poems I've already used.

[The Extinguisher]

Congrats to the winners. Honestly, I'm a little relieved I didn't win. I'm going on vacation in about a week and now I can just focus on packing.

Good luck guys.

[Vaynor]

Er... wow. That is really, really wide open. Um... Hrm.

>.>
<.<

Indeed! If the prospect of having to choose a poem freaks you out, I can choose one for you.


I... um... I... have to figure out which poems I've already used.

No problems with using the same poem as inspiration, just don't write the same poem again obviously.

[Amidus Drexel]

Indeed! If the prospect of having to choose a poem freaks you out, I can choose one for you.

If it's not too much trouble, that'd be much appreciated, sir.

[Vaynor]

Here's two poems I'm a fan of personally. If they don't suit your fancy, this site has quite a few poems to choose from.

Walt Whitman - Song of the Open Road (http://www.bartleby.com/142/82.html)
John Keats - Ode to a Nightingale (http://www.bartleby.com/101/624.html)

[Elvaris]

Inspiration:
Jabberwocky
by Lewis Carroll

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Poem:

Technobabbly

The star drive of the mighty Poe
Did thrum its way through hyperspace.
All hands did will the engines go
As the ship held its pace.

"Beware Galactic Core, my son.
The stars alight, Black holes that catch.
Beware the solar winds, and shun
The planets ere you crash."

He took his ship's controls in hand
Long ways to reach the dock he sought
So rested he with a cup of tea
And sat a while in thought.

And as in tranquil thought he flew,
The Core alarms did light aflame.
The ship lurched and the captain knew
Control must be regained.

Left, right! Left, right! and through the night
The mighty Poe did shudder back.
He pulled ahead, his systems read;
And so returned to tack.

"And hast thou faced the dreaded Core?
You saved your ship. Stand proud my boy!
A stellar day! Put cares away!
And revel in the joy!"

The star drive of the mighty Poe
Did thrum its way through hyperspace.
All hands did will the engines go
As the ship held its pace.

[Alarra]

Inspiration:
by Emily Dickinson

Much madness is divinest sense
To a discerning eye;
Much sense the starkest madness.
Tis the majority
In this, as all, prevails.
Assent, and you are sane;
Demur,—you ’re straightway dangerous,
And handled with a chain.

Poem:
Odds

Silence pulls the room’s seams
until you’re forced to clear your throat,
anything to relieve the pressure.

“Thank you for letting me in.”
“Did I have a choice?”
I don’t look at you.

“Of course. This is voluntary.”
“It doesn’t feel that way.”
My mother stands at the edge of the room,
hands wrought in agitation.

She wants this to go well.
So I smile, reassuringly nod,
until she leaves appeased.

“What do you want?”
“Your mother says you won’t drive anymore.”

Through the window, my hatchback beckons,
inviting me back behind the wheel.
Driving had been fun, a rush.
“Four people were shot last week by angry drivers.”

You wait for me to continue.
I don’t.
There’s nothing more to say.

“The odds of you getting shot – “
“Are nearly zero if I stay at home.”

“Nearly?” Your faint smile condescends.
“A man was shot in his driveway two days ago.”

“This neighborhood is very safe.
And cops patrol it often.”
“It’s the cops that shot him.”

You search for a retort,
but what more is there to say?

“And I suppose you don’t date
for fear of being shot as well?”
“Oh no, my dating fear is rape.

“The odds – “
“One in four. Pretty good.”
I shift further from your gaze,
your all too manly hands.
“Is there a point to this?”

“Just trying to understand – “
“My fears are valid, you know.”
My pulse grows increasingly erratic.

“I’m not crazy.”
“I never said – “
“She said, you thought,
everyone thinks it.”
I’m spinning up, control slipping.

“Who am I hurting?
I stay in my house.
I pay my bills.
I wash my hands.
I watch tv.
Why does anyone care?”

“They worry – “
I walk to the window.
Cool glass a fragile barrier
against my forehead and thoughts.

A couple walks across the street.
A girl jumps rope in her driveway.
A car pauses carefully at the crosswalk.

“Worry about them – “
I hear the catch in my voice,
the clench of unshed tears.
“What are their odds?”

[Szilard]

Final Round: Go!
Prompt: The coolest prompt in the existence of ever. I am now motivated to win in future contests just so I can get to have a cool finalist prompt like this one. I know just he poem I'd pick too. But I doubt that's happening again in the exact same way. But enough about me. :smalltongue:

I'll forgo the ranking, as only two of the contestants actually finished their poems.

Elvaris:
Ah, the Jabberwocky. I've always liked this poem. Then again, I like nonsense things in general. Unless it's nonsense in the wrong way. That's just irritating. But Jabberwocky is a good nonsense. Plus, over the years people have made sense of it. Should they have? Maybe not. But that's for the philosophizers.

First Impressions: I like it, I like it a lot. Technobabble is one of my favorite bits of sci-fi tv shows and movies. Sure, a lot of it makes no sense, but that's the point! Technology is magic! So this really fits the Jabberwocky poem well. You put a bunch of nonsense together, and you just have fun with it. I also like that it follows the same structure, and from what I can see, there's a bit of a slant rhyme between the Technobabbly lines and the respective lines of the Jabberywocky. I'm going to assume that's at least a tad intentional. (Ninjaedit: Copychange! That's what this kind of poem is called. ... I think.)

Looking further: Something irks me about the line "He took his ship's controls in hand." I can see that it has the same number of syllables and the same structure as the line from the poem it's based on, but something just irks me. Perhaps the rhythm's just off. Technobabbly also seems lessy nonsensical than Jabberwocky, but that could be because I am more of a sci-fi fan anyway. All just minor nitpicks though. I love what you did with the piece.

Alarra:
Huh, a nice little piece for your prompt. I feel very uneducated for not having seen it before. Then again, it's not like I go look at Dickinson collections or the such. But I think I get it. Those who admit to madness are surely the sanest, and those who insist sanity need chains. Anyhow, onward.

First Impressions: Wow. This is long. Which contrasts the shortness of the piece chosen. Which probably doesn't have much to do with anything. Anyhow, onwards. This poem makes me feel... sad. I'm not entirely sure why, but it just feels like a heavy poem. I'm guessing the italics is some inner voice (judging by the insanity theme of the poem you used as your prompt) or maybe a concerned friend/parent whilst the voice is going crazy/paranoid. Definitely warrants a reread.

Going Deeper: Okay, I think I get it now. The italics is a therapist. I suppose the voice underwent some trauma or something (or realized the world is a screwed-up place), and people believe she needs help. In the end, she doesn't believe anyone should worry for her, more, they should worry for themselves. After all, what are their odds? What are anyones?

Verdict:
While I immensely enjoyed Elvaris' humorous copychange, I have to give my vote to Alarra. The morbid hints of humor and futileness of living show the insanity of life. Which one can take in a few ways. You can give up at this point, or you can realize life doesn't matter--so you might as well enjoy it. Of course, that's just one interpretation that uses the poem more as a jumping point.

At any rate, Alarra's poem made me feel more. If that makes sense. And poetry goes hand-in-hand with emotion.

[The Extinguisher]

So, if you want a judge for this round, I can probably get something up tomorrow night.

[Dumbledore lives]

Sure, spoiled by request of poet.

Well I thought both poems were lovely. Allara's was certainly more serious, and conveyed the mood of the original well, somber but contemplative. Elvaris' however kept the jovial tone of the original poem while adding a modern twist, as well as keeping up a goo rythm throughout. Of course this is just my thoughts, I'm just some random guy.

[Szilard]

^ Maybe spoiler that to not influence any prospective judges.

[Vaynor]

So, if you want a judge for this round, I can probably get something up tomorrow night.

I'd appreciate it. School just started for me so I haven't had much time lately.

[The Extinguisher]

I'd appreciate it. School just started for me so I haven't had much time lately.

So yeah, ill do it tonight. I was stuck at work late all yesterday.


EDIT: So I've got some judgey things done!


Elvaris
I love me some technobabble! Also I love me some Jabberwocky. I really like the set up of this poem, and I feel for what it is, you really knocked it out of the park. My only real complaint is that too much of the poem is real words. It's Jabberwocky! You could have gone full nonsense. But it was still good.

Alarra
You're gonna have to give me a moment. I need to think about things for a while. Let all of these feels out of my body. This is really good. I wasn't expecting something so long from a short poem, but wow does it speak wonders to the original. The stanzas seem really disorganized, and that did throw me off, but I can see why they're set up like that.

Verdict
I fought long and hard with myself over this. Both poems are really, really good, and both of them deserve the top spot, but I'm going to give this to Alarra.

[Elvaris]

My only real complaint is that too much of the poem is real words. It's Jabberwocky! You could have gone full nonsense.

Extinguisher:
Yeah, I was trying. But it was turning into less of a poem and more of a Mad Lib where I was just replacing his nonsense words with my own. And when I spent actual time trying to a) figure out the sound a plasma sword would make and b) extend it into three syllables that rhymed with "snicker-snack", I just had to throw it all out and start over.
Results aside, I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

[Vaynor]

Oops, sorry for the delay! With two votes going to Alarra, there's no need for a tiebreaker. Congratulations to Alarra, victor of Iron Poet XVIII! New contest thread will be up soon.