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Darius Kane
2013-03-09, 06:38 AM
I need advice on roleplaying/portraying/describing intimacy that isn't sexual, for example between family or very close friends.
I'm assuming that it should involve a lot of physical contact - holding hands, kissing (as a greeting and as a goodbye), hugging, etc.

Morph Bark
2013-03-09, 06:40 AM
Physical intimacy, or just a sense of it? Hugging could be a part of it.

Darius Kane
2013-03-09, 06:41 AM
Lol, I got ninja'd while editing.

SilverLeaf167
2013-03-09, 06:56 AM
How much of an emphasis do you want to put on their intimacy?

Even something basic, like "The captain kisses his wife and whispers something in her ear before leaving" can make their close relationship rather clear to the players, especially if you rarely mention people doing that.
I don't think you really need anything especially deep and descriptive. Just describe the facts (like "They hold hands the whole time") and a couple impressions the PCs get ("They look very much in love") and it should be enough.

If you meant "How do people like this behave?", it depends entirely on the characters' culture and personality. Look around you in real life: some people hug each other very often, some almost never, but that doesn't really say anything about how friendly and close their relationship is.

thethird
2013-03-09, 06:59 AM
Check the society/culture where it happens.

As a personal example when I was living at the states it annoyed me slightly that people wouldn't initiate physical contact. I mean, people would wave a hand at each other for a greeting. I missed the hugs, kisses, and handshakes of my mediterranean culture.

Rhynn
2013-03-09, 07:07 AM
Check the society/culture where it happens.

Seriously this. It varies hugely between cultures. In some cultures, just using a first name, or a specific form of address, can indicate intimacy or family relationship.


As a personal example when I was living at the states it annoyed me slightly that people wouldn't initiate physical contact. I mean, people would wave a hand at each other for a greeting. I missed the hugs, kisses, and handshakes of my mediterranean culture.

:smallbiggrin: Meanwhile, I found Americans got touchy with much less of a relationship to me than what I'm used to!

Jay R
2013-03-09, 10:16 AM
As a personal example when I was living at the states it annoyed me slightly that people wouldn't initiate physical contact. I mean, people would wave a hand at each other for a greeting. I missed the hugs, kisses, and handshakes of my mediterranean culture.

:smallbiggrin: Meanwhile, I found Americans got touchy with much less of a relationship to me than what I'm used to!

You're both making the same mistake - assuming that an area bigger than Europe has a single culture.

Getting back to the question, though, before we can tell you how to portray a close relationship, you need to tell us why you want to. It this an important clue in the adventure, or just a character note to make the people more real? Are these NPCs you are defining for the players' benefit, or are you trying to portray a PC relationship.

With more details, we can probably provide more help.

Oaktree0
2013-03-09, 10:49 AM
Eskimo kisses! I remember once I had a group of brothers and sisters who the pcs had to rescue. They constantly gave each other eskimo kisses in order to calm each other during the ordeal. Just one way, but I thought it showed how close they were quite well.

Darius Kane
2013-03-09, 11:14 AM
Getting back to the question, though, before we can tell you how to portray a close relationship, you need to tell us why you want to. It this an important clue in the adventure, or just a character note to make the people more real? Are these NPCs you are defining for the players' benefit, or are you trying to portray a PC relationship.
Kinda all of the above. I want to improve my overall RP, but I have zero experience with this particular topic.

thethird
2013-03-09, 11:18 AM
You're both making the same mistake - assuming that an area bigger than Europe has a single culture.

Maybe I traveled around and felt that although it didn't apply to everyone it was much more common than it was were I come from. :smallconfused:

JusticeZero
2013-03-09, 04:00 PM
in one acting class, this was noted: The best way to establish a close relationship between two characters quickly is to show them both just sitting around doing their own thing; one of them looks up and says some random weird thing like "Looks like toast." or "Purple." or some other thing that means absolutely nothing that anyone in the audience can possibly decipher. Both characters immediately crack up laughing.

CarpeGuitarrem
2013-03-09, 05:15 PM
in one acting class, this was noted: The best way to establish a close relationship between two characters quickly is to show them both just sitting around doing their own thing; one of them looks up and says some random weird thing like "Looks like toast." or "Purple." or some other thing that means absolutely nothing that anyone in the audience can possibly decipher. Both characters immediately crack up laughing.
That's actually a brilliant shortcut.

My personal advice: intimacy starts with trust, and all of the physical and emotional aspects come from there. Trust and knowledge. Intimacy is two people knowing exactly what's going on with one another (or close enough) with the exchange of minimal to no words. It's also two people who are perfectly aware that they're vulnerable to one another, and being okay with that, because they believe in the other person.

Intimacy is when you hand someone the combination to the country's nuclear arsenal, because you trust that they're going to handle it well.

Slipperychicken
2013-03-09, 06:43 PM
Check the society/culture where it happens.

As a personal example when I was living at the states it annoyed me slightly that people wouldn't initiate physical contact. I mean, people would wave a hand at each other for a greeting. I missed the hugs, kisses, and handshakes of my mediterranean culture.

[speaking from northeast area, around NYC]

Handshakes (sometimes with one-armed "man hugs") are perfectly acceptable here, although it's usually reserved for slightly more formal interactions like deal-making, or when you just met someone. More than that typically infringes on our concept of "personal space", the idea that someone shouldn't be given more than a friendly tap on the shoulder without consent. Some free-spirited folk give out hugs like candy, but those were usually socialized outside the US, and are by far the minority.

If you get too physical with strangers in the US, you're going to be regarded as a creep, and may even face sexual harassment charges. Foreigners get a little more leniency on this, since their culture may be different.

ArcturusV
2013-03-09, 07:03 PM
Or rather, the intimacy you are referring to might involve a complete lack of communication. Something like when someone comes home, no one even says anything. But they already "know the drill", go about whatever their task is, and everything just seemlessly blends with this well oiled machine quality. They don't have to go out of their way to seem intimate in that manner because everyone acts as if the person was always there, always should be there, part of their lives. It might involve some unconscious automatic PDAs like giving a quick kiss or hug or something. But that's not the primary method of conveying it.

The flip side is when the expected contact and context doesn't happen, it immediately puts people out of focus. This works really well for permanent losses and conveying the sort of intimacy that might have existed in something like a long term bond, family, spouse, etc. This smacks of reality too, where you find things like my mother, who prepared a few meals for my sister after she died without really thinking about it at the time. Just automatically set out an extra place and served it up before she remembered that she was no longer there.

And those sort of cues can be natural adventure hooks for PCs, by the way. They did something heroic, someone goes, "Oh, thank you for killing off those Orc Bandits, come to my place for dinner." And everything seems fine, normal, then you see an extra serving put out, and everyone goes quiet. The person who was dishing it out suddenly realizes, then breaks down crying and runs off. PCs ask what it means, someone else in the family goes, "... our sibling/parent/child/other personage was taken by the wolves just about 7 moons back..." and enter a plot hook about werewolves taking the person in question.

Surfnerd
2013-03-09, 08:16 PM
My wife observed when one of my oldest friends and I get together we tell the start of stories and then laugh off together as though we are replaying the memory at the same time, and not finish the whole story.. I never noticed. She said its hilarious. Your acting class suggestion reminded me.

Completely unrelated to the OP, sorry. But it really is a brilliant suggestion by JusticeZero.

ReaderAt2046
2013-03-10, 06:36 PM
in one acting class, this was noted: The best way to establish a close relationship between two characters quickly is to show them both just sitting around doing their own thing; one of them looks up and says some random weird thing like "Looks like toast." or "Purple." or some other thing that means absolutely nothing that anyone in the audience can possibly decipher. Both characters immediately crack up laughing.

I can attest to this from personal experience. For example, this is a transcript of a conversation between me and my sister:

“There’s a squeegle feegle on your head.”
“Shloop.”
“No! I lost my cheese!”
“Tickles..”
“I didn’t do it!”
“It was an evil wiggy-woggle!! And now I am sad..”
“Here you go, pfff.”
“Tankoo. Mr. Feezy squeeze lover, can I sit in your hair now?”
“No.”
“Okay.”

I know exactly what every word there means, and so does my sister, but noone else could make heads or tails of it. It's inside jokes and private languages like these that are one of the biggest marks of people who are close friends or family.

Lord Torath
2013-03-10, 09:45 PM
And those sort of cues can be natural adventure hooks for PCs, by the way. They did something heroic, someone goes, "Oh, thank you for killing off those Orc Bandits, come to my place for dinner." And everything seems fine, normal, then you see an extra serving put out, and everyone goes quiet. The person who was dishing it out suddenly realizes, then breaks down crying and runs off. PCs ask what it means, someone else in the family goes, "... our sibling/parent/child/other personage was taken by the wolves just about 7 moons back..." and enter a plot hook about werewolves taking the person in question.
You should post this in The Mysterious Shop of 1001 Plot Hooks (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=274863). I think I may borrow it!

tomandtish
2013-03-11, 12:30 AM
Also good to note that what may be considered non-sexual intimacy by one may be considered sexual intimacy by another.

True story (names are changed because I never post RL friends’ names):

I’m a naturally close person and very “touchy feely”, and I tend to connect with people who are the same. So at college, one friend of mine “Jill” and I were always hugging, kissing (non-french), head in laps, cuddling on the couch, etc.

Then a friend of mine from high school “Sarah” came to visit. I acted the same way with her.

Several people promptly accused me of cheating on Jill, and were shocked when I explained that not only was I not (and had never been) involved that way with Sarah, I was not (and had never been) involved that way with Jill.

They were stunned, as they had all assumed we were a couple.


To sum up: What's friendly for you is sexual for someone else.

Raimun
2013-03-11, 01:48 PM
Basically, people who are close (in a non-sexual way) like to spend time together. They might have a common hobby, go to trips together and/or just talk about stuff when they meet for a drink. Speaking of which, people who are close are more likely to confide in each other. They might know secrets no one else knows.

CarpeGuitarrem
2013-03-11, 03:00 PM
I can attest to this from personal experience. For example, this is a transcript of a conversation between me and my sister:

“There’s a squeegle feegle on your head.”
“Shloop.”
“No! I lost my cheese!”
“Tickles..”
“I didn’t do it!”
“It was an evil wiggy-woggle!! And now I am sad..”
“Here you go, pfff.”
“Tankoo. Mr. Feezy squeeze lover, can I sit in your hair now?”
“No.”
“Okay.”

I know exactly what every word there means, and so does my sister, but noone else could make heads or tails of it. It's inside jokes and private languages like these that are one of the biggest marks of people who are close friends or family.
That's amazing.

Daftendirekt
2013-03-11, 03:23 PM
Also good to note that what may be considered non-sexual intimacy by one may be considered sexual intimacy by another.

True story (names are changed because I never post RL friends’ names):

I’m a naturally close person and very “touchy feely”, and I tend to connect with people who are the same. So at college, one friend of mine “Jill” and I were always hugging, kissing (non-french), head in laps, cuddling on the couch, etc.

Then a friend of mine from high school “Sarah” came to visit. I acted the same way with her.

Several people promptly accused me of cheating on Jill, and were shocked when I explained that not only was I not (and had never been) involved that way with Sarah, I was not (and had never been) involved that way with Jill.

They were stunned, as they had all assumed we were a couple.


To sum up: What's friendly for you is sexual for someone else.

It's a shame more people aren't that way. I hate that physical closeness is such a taboo/rarity for anything besides romantic couples in American society.

thethird
2013-03-11, 04:52 PM
If you get too physical with strangers in the US, you're going to be regarded as a creep, and may even face sexual harassment charges. Foreigners get a little more leniency on this, since their culture may be different.

Amusingly when walking the street with a not-even-close friend (from Italy, I'm Spanish) we were asked if we were a gay couple in at least three different occasions by different people.

So... walking distance (side by side) also might be a sign of intimacy.


It's a shame more people aren't that way. I hate that physical closeness is such a taboo/rarity for anything besides romantic couples in American society.

Not to criticize anyone, but I agree.

kardar233
2013-03-11, 04:59 PM
I can attest to this from personal experience. For example, this is a transcript of a conversation between me and my sister:

“There’s a squeegle feegle on your head.”
“Shloop.”
“No! I lost my cheese!”
“Tickles..”
“I didn’t do it!”
“It was an evil wiggy-woggle!! And now I am sad..”
“Here you go, pfff.”
“Tankoo. Mr. Feezy squeeze lover, can I sit in your hair now?”
“No.”
“Okay.”

I know exactly what every word there means, and so does my sister, but noone else could make heads or tails of it. It's inside jokes and private languages like these that are one of the biggest marks of people who are close friends or family.

I've carried on conversations with a friend consisting entirely of the word "is". In the middle of a wargame.

The Fury
2013-03-12, 10:50 AM
As has been said a number of times, people that are very close friends or family probably hug, maybe kiss on the cheek too. Hair-tousling and kissing on the forehead as well I suppose, but that always struck me as something a parent or an older sibling might do. Personally I always felt that sharing food is a great way to show intimacy, like someone letting their friend have half their sandwich or the two eating off the same plate.


I can attest to this from personal experience. For example, this is a transcript of a conversation between me and my sister:

“There’s a squeegle feegle on your head.”
“Shloop.”
“No! I lost my cheese!”
“Tickles..”
“I didn’t do it!”
“It was an evil wiggy-woggle!! And now I am sad..”
“Here you go, pfff.”
“Tankoo. Mr. Feezy squeeze lover, can I sit in your hair now?”
“No.”
“Okay.”

I know exactly what every word there means, and so does my sister, but noone else could make heads or tails of it. It's inside jokes and private languages like these that are one of the biggest marks of people who are close friends or family.

As an aside, that's adorable.

Jack of Spades
2013-03-12, 07:46 PM
Another couple of good signs of intimacy:

Looks. So much of what we are able to communicate with close friends, we are able to communicate non-verbally. A raise of the eyebrows, a smirk, sticking out the tongue... All of these things can and often do mean one thing to the outside world while having an entire mythology built behind them among friends. I once had a girlfriend who would burst out laughing any time I looked at her above my glasses, for example.

"Stealing." One good sign that two people are close is that they can snatch things away from one another without the person getting angry. This grows from the trust issue. This ritual of a person taking, hiding and/or otherwise interacting with a traditionally personal or otherwise important object (glasses, a farmer's shovel, your squadmate's left boot) can be a signal to the other person of someone's mood, or can just be the start of an ongoing inside joke. It can often be disconcerting for outsiders, depending on the object, until one realizes that the person who was just stolen from is smiling and laughing.

This is something that I've only noticed among the sexually active, but it's a good bit for roleplaying nonetheless: it appears that when certain people spend enough time intimately close to one another, they learn to smell one another's emotions. To the outsider, this looks like a near-instantaneous transferal. A couple is smiling with one another, and within the space of a peck on the cheek or a moment of close eye contact, they are suddenly both very serious or sullen or angry. Or, slightly more disconcerting for onlookers, one person will start reacting to the other person's emotion, even though they were hiding it well enough that no one else in the group knows what's going on.

Basically, I guess the gist of this post is that intimacy is about being able to communicate in ways that make little to no sense to the outside world.

Another idea: Who's paying for dinner? In a lot of groups, the flow of money can become a standardized and well-practiced ritual. Dave pays for dinner, Stacy pays for drinks, Joe drives (ie pays for gas), Mary pays for the movie. This kind of thing is often unspoken, growing out of one or two occasions when a given person paid for something to be polite and friendly, but then just became used to covering the tab. Even if it has been verbally agreed upon, it is usually not discussed until the status quo is changed-- the group has to explain to Steve why they only have one check.

Which leads to a damn good indicator of intimacy: awkwardness when exposed to the outsider. Someone asks if Jim and Vicky are a couple after they kiss on the lips, and the entire group chuckles and too-quickly unleashes a flurry of "no, absolutely not"s before changing the subject. There's obviously history there, but that history is the sacred property of the group and not t be shared with the outsider. Or, Jack asks why the group is stacking their dirty napkins on top of that beer and the group falls into a dumbfounded silence, realizing that Jack is a relatively new acquaintance-- an outsider. In a lot of groups, everyone will look at the same person in such a situation, knowing who is best suited to tell the story. Or, if there's no one like that, a lot of people will mumble before someone yells out a related (and hopefully more recent) inside joke and the social ball starts rolling again.