Random Artifact!

[Tectonic Robot]

This is a magical item generator! (http://rustyandco.com/extras/magicitemgenerator/) Use it to generate magical items and then tell us about them. No rerolls. >.o

I got the Dwarven Stone of Ice. "This sturdy hunk of rock allows the user to create 15 foot patches of ice where they stand when carried. Additionally, the user smells like a dwarf. Only works three times a day." Now I don't need a zamboni! :D

The comic this generator hails from. (http://rustyandco.com)

[Gamerlord]

Bubbly Stone of the Roadrunner
This pearlescent hunk of rock allows the user to move 50% faster than they normally do when carried, and it emits a colorful spray of bubbles while working. While using the item, the user may only communicate in beeps.
Eh, sounds rather impractical. :smalltongue:
EDIT: Now, the "Bubbly Shield of Breakdancing"? THAT sounds like something I could use. :smallbiggrin:

[Howler Dagger]

Orcbane Boxer Shorts of Wind
A rusted, barbed pair of tighty-whiteys allows the user to summon 10 mile-per-hour winds in any direction they choose when worn. It's extra effective against orcs. Only works once a day.

I think this is a bit more impractical.

[Amidus Drexel]

Greasy Spoon of Carbonation
This slimy spoon can carbonate any liquids it touches when wielded like a sword, but there's a 25% chance the user drops it when trying to use it. It can carbonate an entire lake in one hour.

Fizzy Bubbly, anybody? I've got this lake over here... :smallamused:

[Istari]

Stone Mace of the Kraken
A granite mace attacks everyone within 5 feet with eight stubby tentacles when striking an enemy. It's quite heavy. The wielder is not attacked.

Hello lockdown build.

[Blue Ghost]

Greasy Banana of Fire
This slimy banana is constantly wreathed in magic fire when eaten, but there's a 25% chance the user drops it when trying to use it. . It comes with a special scabbard, which is the only way to safely contain the flames.

Hello heartburn.

[Eldan]

Twisty Potion of Buoyancy
This coiled potion prevents the user from sinking in any liquid. when drank, and it's effective from up to 10 feet away. Standing on lava or acid still hurts, though.

That's a bit disappointing.

[Spiryt]

Giant Mace of WiFi Detection
An oversized mace lights up when there is a strong Internet connection nearby when striking an enemy, (May not be suitable for all realities.)

This actually sounds handy.

Wonder if it's still usable as a mace with being being oversized and all.

Also, maybe a bit impractical, when I want to find Internet connection but have no enemies nearby.

Although when you hit someone with the mace, you will most probably have an enemy quickly.

[nedz]

Golden Frying Pan of Social Media
This solid-gold frying pan updates your Facebook and Twitter every time it is used when food is cooked on it, and every time you use it, 5 gold pieces pop out! Yes, it updates Facebook and Twitter even if you don't want it to.

Infinite cash, hardened arteries and no more friends.

The cash won't last very long though because of slander suits.

[Thajocoth]

Infinite cash, hardened arteries and no more friends.

The cash won't last very long though because of slander suits.

It updates Facebook & Twitter every time you cook?

You found Instagram.

[Mono Vertigo]

Miniature Sombrero of Beasts
This half-sized, broad-brimmed hat causes all nearby animals to treat the user like a friend when worn, but not for anyone over 5 feet tall. Hostile actions towards an animal permanently destroy the power.
I can't even use it! *shakes fist*

[DaedalusMkV]

Glorious Sword of Security
This crystal long sword spontaneously causes all locks and doors within 50 feet to snap closed when used in combat. Whenever it is used, it creates a dazzling light show, attracting a lot of attention from onlookers. Can only be used 5 times.

I suppose it would probably be pretty useful to a security guard or a soldier, I guess. Since it locks doors and attracts attention, it's pretty much the perfect weapon for a patrolling sentry or building guard. On the other hand, I am neither of these things and don't really have any desire to become one.

It looks really pretty, though. I'll probably hang it above my fireplace, use it as a conversation piece.

[Tectonic Robot]

Yeah, like, 80% of these artifacts are not useful in almost every way. Maybe YOU will be the one who finds one worth having!

[Grinner]

I can't even use it! *shakes fist*

Hmm...Maybe if we just cut a few inches off the bottom...You're not using your feet, right?

:smallamused:

[Teddy]

Imaginary Necklace of Carbonation
This golden, glittering necklace can carbonate any liquids it touches when touched, but only the wielder can be affected by it. It can carbonate an entire lake in one hour.

The day has finally come when I've achieved the means to carbonate my own blood! Yeah, you'll be hard pressed to find anything less useful than this...

[Tectonic Robot]

The day has finally come when I've achieved the means to carbonate my own blood! Yeah, you'll be hard pressed to find anything less useful than this...

Maybe, uh, there's some sort of poison that can only be stopped by blood carbonation... the carbonation would probably kill you anyway, though. >_>

[Silverbit]

I love random generators!

Stone Bugle of Shirking
A granite horn gives the user the appearance of being deathly ill, complete with cold sweats and pale skin when played. It's quite heavy. Every time this item is used, there is a 5% chance the disease will be real, and remain after the item is removed.

Meh.

Helium Shuriken of the Kraken
This silver set of 10 throwing stars attacks everyone within 5 feet with eight stubby tentacles when hitting your target. While using it, the user can jump twice as high. The wielder is not attacked.

AWWW YEAH!

[Jay R]

Ribboned Necklace of Luminensence
A ribbon-decked necklace casts a 10 foot radius of light when touched. Very festive!

A Light spell I can easily turn off and on? I could use that.

[Teddy]

After playing around a bit, I think I found BONK!, except it's necromantic rather than radioactive: :smallbiggrin:

Necromantic Can of Soda of the Roadrunner
This blood-red soda allows the user to move 50% faster than they normally do when drank, but harms the user every time it's used. While using the item, the user may only communicate in beeps.

[Socratov]

Spider-Hating Collar of Fire
A purple leather strap is constantly wreathed in magic fire when affixed around an animal's neck. It's more effective against spiders. . It comes with a special scabbard, which is the only way to safely contain the flames.

So, Yeah, I need some fireproof pet and then... I don't know...


A Light spell I can easily turn off and on? I could use that.

You have a glo-stick collar! :smallcool:

[Cespenar]

Incandescent Lingerie of Luminensence
This glowing, lacy lingerie casts a 10 foot radius of light when worn, but only when vigorously shaken.

I'll refrain from commenting and let your imaginations run rampant. :smalltongue:

[Tectonic Robot]

I'll refrain from commenting and let your imaginations run rampant. :smalltongue:

...Cripes. o_o;;

[Negativethac0]

Woven Harmonica of Shirking
This woven harmonica gives the user the appearance of being deathly ill, complete with cold sweats and pale skin as long as it's played. It takes an hour to re-weave after each use. Every time this item is used, there is a 5% chance the disease will be real, and remain after the item is removed.

This one is so hillarious I might have to include it in a campaign.

[Eldan]

That explains so many war movies.

[Beacon of Chaos]

Deadly Mace of the Squirrel
This skull-topped mace allows the user to detect the nearest stash of nuts within a mile radius when striking an enemy, but only when undead are within 20 feet of the user. Note: Peanuts are not nuts.
...'kay.

Let's reroll a few times and find something fun.

Plastic Cloak of Wind
A lightweight cloak allows the user to summon 10 mile-per-hour winds in any direction they choose when twirled, but it's not biodegradable. Only works once a day.
A cloak that summons winds to blow it! Awesome!


Dwarven Spoon of Masonry
This sturdy spoon allows the user to telekinetically reassemble bricks when wielded like a sword. Additionally, the user smells like a dwarf. The user can move 10 feet of brick wall every minute.
That is pretty cool actually.


Spider-Hating Lingerie of Feathers
A purple, lacy lingerie allows the user to gently glide to the floor no matter how far they fall when worn. It's more effective against spiders. If feathers are plucked out, they will regrow within a day.
...Honestly, considering my acrophobia, I'd wear that at all times. Not sure how it's more effective against spiders though.

[The-Mage-King]

Plaid Pillow of WiFi Detection
A tartan pillow lights up when there is a strong Internet connection nearby when slept on, but the pattern really clashes with everything else you own. (May not be suitable for all realities.)


...Joke's on them. Everything I own clashes with everything else I own already! :smalltongue:

[Siosilvar]

Twisty Roller Skates of Masonry
This coiled pair of roller skates allows the user to telekinetically reassemble bricks while worn, and it's effective from up to 10 feet away. The user can move 10 feet of brick wall every minute.

...if it were slightly more general (instead of "just bricks") and faster-working, you could make your own skate park as you go. As-is, it's rather lackluster, since you have to make your skate park beforehand.

Nocturnal Pants of Haystacks
This bat-topped pair of trousers creates a 10 foot haystack whenever the command word is spoken when worn without underwear, but only at night.

...what?

Stone Collar of Talons
A granite leather strap allows the user to grow fierce claws from their hands and feet, good for attacking or climbing when affixed around an animal's neck. It's quite heavy.

"Granite leather" aside, it basically turns you into a badger. Useful, I suppose.

[The_Final_Stand]

Nocturnal Cupcake of Electricity
This bat-topped treat gives a nasty shock to anyone who touches the user when eaten, but only at night.

Well, that's ambiguous. Does the electric shock effect only take place when it's night time, or when the cupcake itself is eaten at night?

[nedz]

The adjectives need a bit of work


In order

sturdy
pearlescent
rusted, barbed
slimy
granite
Greasy
coiled
oversized
solid-gold
half-sized
crystal
golden
granite
silver
ribbon-decked
blood-red
purple
glowing
Woven
skull-topped
lightweight
purple
tartan
coiled
bat-topped
granite
bat-topped


Also, Repetition

bat-topped x2
granite x3
coiled x2
purple x2

[Drakeburn]

Plastic Eyepatch of Karaoke

- A lightweight eyepatch amplies the speaker's voice while adding a musical harmonizing track when worn over one eye, but it's not biodegradable. The user doesn't get to choose the song.

Anybody wanna trade artifacts?

[Aragehaor]

Elven Toaster of Fire
This slender toaster is constantly wreathed in magic fire when plugged in. Additionally, the user sprouts pointy ears while wearing it. . It comes with a special scabbard, which is the only way to safely contain the flames.

I'm more then a little curious to find out how you'd wear a toaster.

[Antonok]

Awesome Beans of Wind
A kickass, spike-studded pouch containing 6 beans allows the user to summon 10 mile-per-hour winds in any direction they choose when a bean is eaten and makes you the envy of all other adventurers. Only works once a day.

I.... have no words for this.

[pffh]

Spider-Hating Cupcake of Carbonation
A purple treat can carbonate any liquids it touches when eaten. It's more effective against spiders. It can carbonate an entire lake in one hour.

I.. erm what?

[Thajocoth]

I.. erm what?

Feed it to a spider, who'll die from getting carbonated. Takes 1 hour for a lake-sized spider

[Teddy]

Feed it to a spider, who'll die from getting carbonated. Takes 1 hour for a lake-sized spider

Alternatively, fizzy saliva! :smallwink: Followed by a very bubbly stomach...

[Drakeburn]

Dwarven Pants of Electricity

This sturdy pair of trousers gives a nasty shock to anyone who touches the user when worn without underwear. Additionally, the user smells like a dwarf.

At second thought, my Plastic Eyepatch of Karaoke doesn't seem so bad compared to this. :smalleek:

[Jay R]

I'm more then a little curious to find out how you'd wear a toaster.

With white shoes, after Memorial Day.

[nedz]

I'm more then a little curious to find out how you'd wear a toaster.

Obviously it's one of those toasters from the Hitchhiker's Movie.
You know the knife which toasts bread as you slice it.
Worryingly this actually fits the description perfectly.

We could make a game of trying to rationalise the stranger ones of these.
Better still hand them out to players in a game and let them try.:smallamused:

[Drakeburn]

Obviously it's one of those toasters from the Hitchhiker's Movie.
You know the knife which toasts bread as you slice it.
Worryingly this actually fits the description perfectly.

We could make a game of trying to rationalise the stranger ones of these.
Better still hand them out to players in a game and let them try.:smallamused:

I suppose this means you wouldn't mind putting on my Dwarven Pants of Electricity?

[Traab]

Plastic Eyepatch of Dolphins
A lightweight eyepatch gives the user the ability to telekinetically communicate with dolphins when worn over one eye, but it's not biodegradable. Works on porpoises, too.

Sweet, so im aquaman with no depth perception.

[Ajadea]

Spandex Lingerie of Storage
This stretchy, lacy lingerie gives the user an extradimensional pocket to hold up to 200 pounds of objects when worn... too bad about the color.

Victoria's Secret Compartment, basically. Actually seems pretty useful, as I don't care about the color of my underthings that much.


Awesome Sombrero of Breakdancing
A kickass, spike-studded, broad-brimmed hat allows the user to bust out some slick moves when worn and makes you the envy of all other adventurers. Comes with a big unfolded sheet of cardboard.

Very nice. Veeery nice indeed. I have some friends who would love (to steal) this hat.


Helium Arrow of Slashing
This silver arrow reveals a row of hidden, pop-up blades when hitting your target. While using it, the user can jump twice as high.

Not quite sure how one is supposed to jump while shooting an arrow, but getting hit with that sounds nasty.


Scented Can of Soda of Electricity
A mauve soda gives a nasty shock to anyone who touches the user when drank, and it emits a puff of lavender every time it's used.

I... what? Good for pranks, I guess...


Dwarven Cigarettes of Icicles
This sturdy pack of cigarettes flings icicles at your enemies when one is smoked. Additionally, the user smells like a dwarf.

Um... I don't smoke, so pass. Anyone want a pack of icicle-chucking cigarettes?

[nedz]

Dwarven Pants of Electricity

This sturdy pair of trousers gives a nasty shock to anyone who touches the user when worn without underwear. Additionally, the user smells like a dwarf.
...
I suppose this means you wouldn't mind putting on my Dwarven Pants of Electricity?

Let me see:
Well not suitable for commandos, unless the wearer is unaffected ?
OK - this is a shark repelling diving suit.
Or anti-swarm pants.

[TheFallenOne]

Aloe Wand of Joy

Oh boy this sounds dirty


This lightly-scented wand causes all non-hostile creatures near the user to feel happy and carefree when pointed at your enemies, and it soothes as it works. Creatures affected are easily distracted and often more agreeable than normal.

definitely a keeper

[Goosefeather]

Helium Mirror of Translation
This silver mirror allows the user to understand any language they hear or read when looked into. While using it, the user can jump twice as high. It does not grant the ability to speak or write these languages.

Surprisingly practical. I assume the backwards writing that ensues from reading something in a mirror isn't an issue.

[D_Man_7733]

Necromantic Spatula of Haystacks
This blood-red, stainless-steel spatula creates a 10 foot haystack whenever the command word is spoken while preparing breakfast, but harms the user every time it's used.


Well it's a handy christmas present for someone I don't like, as long as the coomand word is "hmmm" or other common sounds one makes when cooking breakfast.

[Scarch]

Golden Marbles of Business Management
This solid-gold bag containing 15 marbles grants the user an advanced understand of how to run a small business when the marbles are spilled, and every time you use it, 5 gold pieces pop out! It comes with a small, framed degree.

Wow... I'm rich!

*Spills the marbles*
*puts them back in the bag*
*collects 5 gold*
*repeats cycle*

I'll start up my business when I'm done collecting a bagillion gold coins.

[Jan Mattys]

Bubbly Bomb of Karaoke
This pearlescent explosive device amplies the speaker's voice while adding a musical harmonizing track when detonated, and it emits a colorful spray of bubbles while working. The user doesn't get to choose the song.

Any bard I could sell this thing to?

[Togath]

Somber Shield of Buoyancy
This unpolished wooden shield prevents the user from sinking in any liquid. when used in combat, but it makes the user talk in monotone. Standing on lava or acid still hurts, though.

seems.. oddly more useful then expected, lol

[inuyasha]

please tell me to remove if this isnt thread safe...uuuh

lingerie of the kraken

This pearlescent, lacy lingerie attacks everyone within 5 feet with eight stubby tentacles when worn, and it emits a colorful spray of bubbles while working. The wielder is not attacked.

[Scarch]

Bubbly Bomb of Karaoke
This pearlescent explosive device amplies the speaker's voice while adding a musical harmonizing track when detonated, and it emits a colorful spray of bubbles while working. The user doesn't get to choose the song.

Any bard I could sell this thing to?

I'm not a bard, but I'll buy it for 5 gold coins.

In fact, that's my new business.

I'll buy anyone's unwanted magical items for 5 gold. I may be willing to haggle down to 3 or 4.

[Octopusapult]

Plaid Ring of WiFi Detection

A tartan ring lights up when there is a strong Internet connection nearby while worn, but the pattern really clashes with everything else you own. (May not be suitable for all realities.)

.........?

[Jay R]

Golden Marbles of Business Management
This solid-gold bag containing 15 marbles grants the user an advanced understand of how to run a small business when the marbles are spilled, and every time you use it, 5 gold pieces pop out! It comes with a small, framed degree.
Wow... I'm rich!

*Spills the marbles*
*puts them back in the bag*
*collects 5 gold*
*repeats cycle*

I'll start up my business when I'm done collecting a bagillion gold coins.

That is an advanced understanding of how to run a small business.

[Grinner]

@Octopusapault: Hey! I have a T-shirt that does that! :smallbiggrin:

[Octopusapult]

Officially, from now on, every single ring in all of my campaigns is a ring of WiFi detection.