Running on Empty. A Rant.

[Karoht]

Normally I'm the first person to say "life sucks get a helmet" but this has been a bit absurd.

Since October 2012, my fiance and I have been remarkably busy. We have had maybe 6 weekends to ourself out of 30, no two of which have been consecutive. I've dropped my Saturday gaming group to take some of the load off, but the pressure just keeps increasing due to factors beyond our control.

October was busy due to our own activities planned, as well as a friend's wedding. That was fine. Busy beyond all reason, but fine. Most of the stress came from having to really pick up the slack on wedding planning. My fiance was told, with less than a week before the wedding, that she was now in charge of flowers, wedding cake, some decorations, and a few other bits and bobs, because someone else dropped the ball. We saved the day (big damn heroes sir), but it nearly killed us.

November was kind of quiet, but just about every weekend someone out there needed our help to do something. December was packed with christmas shopping (quite a bit of it was charity of a sort, a friend just got out of an abusive relationship, had next to nothing to her name, single mother, etc), people moving, breakup drama between 2 friends (not the one with the abusive relationship). Between all that junk, I literally only saw the inside of my house to come home, go to bed, get up, do it again the next day.

And then there was Christmas itself. I was working straight 10-12 hour days, and my fiance was about to make christmas dinner for 30 people. Thankfully only 20 people showed up, and not all at once. Most of that 30 people? Not invited, they more or less invited themselves along, or guests turned +1 into +3-4.

January/February was somewhat quiet, save for some other drama-llama-ism going on.

Which brings us to this month. I had a lovely pair of weekends where I didn't have to do much of anything. Huzzah. And now the bad news. Fiance's sister is in the hospital for pancreatitis. So my fiance has been spending most of her free time down at the hospital. Time that we would have entirely to ourselves? Nope, down at the hospital. And since I'm her ride, I'm usually sitting there twiddling my thumbs.

But wait, it gets even better. Since the aftercare for something like having a portion of your pancreas removed (and probably the gall bladder being removed as well) is pretty intensive, her mother is coming to town for two weeks. With 3 kids in tow. Guess what I get to do for the next two weeks whenever I'm not working? I get to interact with 3 small children (who admittedly are very well behaved so it might not be all bad) and drive people around some more. Granted, this is likely to be an improvement to the aftercare situation, seeing as no one else in the family likely would have been able to look after her, so chances are it would have fallen to us somehow yet again.
Oh, and I have to pretty much bipass my birthday in all this. Between the ill sister-in-law and mother visiting, I'm also voluntold to help move someone at the end of the month. My friends had to throw me an impromptu birthday party last saturday, because it's about the only time they are likely to get with me until mid-april.

In all of this, my fiance and I are trying to prepare for our wedding. We have some choreography that needs to be worked on, and we have 10 centerpieces to complete between now and october 2013.

And I haven't even touched on work yet. Most of my day at work is spent solving everyone's problems. Delivery drivers who can't park a car or stack a box or follow basic directions. Truck drivers who claim to not know the regulations of their own industry, or not be familiar with the paperwork they deal with every time they cross the US border, which is supposedly a weekly occurance for them, and has been for the last 20 years of their trucking experience. Or so they claim. So. Many. Derps. Why the derps? Why this much derp? Every single day?
It doesn't help that I've been working sick for days at a time. Nasty persistant colds, changes of air pressure giving me severe headaches, going to work feeling like I want to throw up. I can't take time off, I can't afford the downtime, either financially or due to the backlog of garbage that would pile up. When I'm not here the place falls apart. I get phone calls at home on the weekends asking the same questions over and over.

And then we have the folks who have the audacity or ignorance to criticize me. "If you need more money, work another job!" Yeah, brilliant suggestion brainiac, and in what hours of the day do you recommend I do that? I sleep 2-6 hours a night during weeknights as it is, mostly due to insomnia, probably brought on by the stress. "If you weren't playing video games so much you would probably have more free time!" Wonderfully ignorant. I play World of Warcraft, so naturally everyone jumps to the conclusion that my life is wasted. You want to know when I play WoW? the 3-4 hours before I go to bed. IF I even play at all that day. Why then? Remember how I mentioned my sleep pattern and insomnia? Guess what I used to do in that 3-4 hours of time before I played WoW? Tossed and turned uselessly. So I figure I can spend 3-4 hours a day doing something I enjoy, or sitting in bed trying to force myself to sleep.

The emergencies, the problems, the time lost, I don't think these things are so bad anymore. It's the anticipation of the next big screw up that me and my lady have to go fix for someone. Only to have someone else tell me how I should be running my life. Yeah, that burns my bacon something fierce. Person X derps it up and calls for my help on a regular basis, only to turn around and tell me what the heck I should be doing with my life or how I should spend my free time? Get bloody bent already. And if my fiance and I don't jump to the rescue? How dare we. How dare we be selfish for a moment or two, or tell someone to solve their own problems.

I've been having chest pains. I'm pretty sure it's stress related as it feels like chest muscles tightening painfully. I was told to cut back on coffee, try to relax more, the lower coffee intake seems to have helped, and I stopped using energy drinks back in august of 2012.

Running on empty has become a motto for me and my lady. It is starting to take all the enjoyment out of the wedding preparations, and is turning everything into the worst kind of chore.


My apologies for the wall of text, lots to get out, building since October of last year.

[Tsriel]

I've been in your spot. In your case, it's understandably hectic, but there comes a point to where you need to say, "I can't do this. I need to unplug." Trust me on this, your insomia is partially based on the fact that you never have time to relax. Your body is starting to break down because of it, too. Take care of yourself. You're in a crucial time in your life. Right now, I think you really should be focusing on the things that are most important to you. If you need help, ask for it. If you can come up with anything that would help ease the burden, do it.

[Talanic]

For what it's worth, this stranger on the internet sympathizes with you and backs you up when you say "No" to friends and family members that are requiring too much from you.

Remember that the relationship between you and your friends and family has to go both ways. Circumstances may rob them of the ability to reciprocate but they have no right to make demands of you that you're (physically!) unable to keep up with.

[tensai_oni]

You need to dial down your social obligations.

For example, let's take Christmas. You said you had to prepare food for 30 guests, most of them uninvited. Should have told them "sorry, I didn't invite you so I didn't prepare enough food. I didn't expect 30 people. I expected 10", or however many invites you've sent. Those people may get angry, sure. But as they are now, what they are doing is preying on your good nature.

You need to be more assertive. Tell people "no", because you are busy enough as it is, and you can't afford to have even MORE work. Obviously, if your mother-in-law comes to visit, kids in tow, you cannot tell her no since she has no alternatives. I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about situations where people can ask someone else for help. Someone else, who isn't you. Because you are busy enough.

[leafman]

I have to agree with what the others have said, you need to just start telling people no. They might get mad, and if they do and can't understand why you said no? Well, you didn't need those people in your life anyway. Sounds harsh, but your happiness and health (and your fiance's) are the most important things in your life.

[Don Julio Anejo]

Give your car to your fiancee and tell her to drive herself? I.e. to the hospital and back.

[Karoht]

First off, I would like to thank everyone for reading and replying.
The sympathy and empathy is excellent.


I've been in your spot. In your case, it's understandably hectic, but there comes a point to where you need to say, "I can't do this. I need to unplug." Trust me on this, your insomia is partially based on the fact that you never have time to relax. Your body is starting to break down because of it, too. Take care of yourself. You're in a crucial time in your life. Right now, I think you really should be focusing on the things that are most important to you. If you need help, ask for it. If you can come up with anything that would help ease the burden, do it.My lady and I usually volunteer at Calgary Comic Entertainment Expo. We will not be volunteering this year. Nor will we be leading a big pack of our friends in there. We're going, anyone who wants to go is welcome, we'll meet up at one of the after-parties. But indeed, we are monitoring our new obligations very carefully, and turning down what we can. The problem is when we can't really turn it down. IE-Family visiting to help her sister. My house was never volunteered, we were more or less voluntold (though not rudely) that we were going to be helping out looking after the smaller sisters and the mother-in-law. It's things like that which I can't really back out of. It's how so many people ended up invited or inviting themselves along for christmas.



For what it's worth, this stranger on the internet sympathizes with you and backs you up when you say "No" to friends and family members that are requiring too much from you.
Remember that the relationship between you and your friends and family has to go both ways. Circumstances may rob them of the ability to reciprocate but they have no right to make demands of you that you're (physically!) unable to keep up with.I completely recognize this. I do have to be more firm, even if they think me a douchebag for doing so.



You need to dial down your social obligations.
For example, let's take Christmas. You said you had to prepare food for 30 guests, most of them uninvited. Should have told them "sorry, I didn't invite you so I didn't prepare enough food. I didn't expect 30 people. I expected 10", or however many invites you've sent. Those people may get angry, sure. But as they are now, what they are doing is preying on your good nature.Two problems, which mostly involve this example but can be extrapolated to other problems.
Christmas started off as dinner for 10. Then 4 days later, we were told by family that more family was going to be in town for christmas. If they're in town, you can't really turn them away from dinner. Then those visitors informed us that they were bringing guests with them, who they were bringing with because they had no place to go. In truth, we probably could have said no to these guests, but due to the mobile nature of their employment, it would have left a few people stuck in cold fort mcmurry for christmas, forcing them to find and pay for a hotel or motel.
Finally, her elder sister has 5 kids who are all in foster care. At first, her sister wasn't coming because she was going to go visit her kids. Then she was going to show up but wasn't sure if kids would be released to her or not. Then they were released to her. Then they weren't. And you see how that goes.


You need to be more assertive. Tell people "no", because you are busy enough as it is, and you can't afford to have even MORE work. Obviously, if your mother-in-law comes to visit, kids in tow, you cannot tell her no since she has no alternatives. I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about situations where people can ask someone else for help. Someone else, who isn't you. Because you are busy enough.When there are alternatives, chances are good that I'm going to be telling more people to solve their own problems for the next little while. With a wedding coming up, among other issues, I just don't have time to carry everyone.



I have to agree with what the others have said, you need to just start telling people no. They might get mad, and if they do and can't understand why you said no? Well, you didn't need those people in your life anyway. Sounds harsh, but your happiness and health (and your fiance's) are the most important things in your life.My friends are starting to get the hint, but it has been very slow going. One particular friend group doesn't seem to understand why I get upset when they voluntold me for things. They just see me as grumpy afterwards, with very little thought as to why that might be. This is a major reason why I cancelled my involvement in our saturday game group, along with a few other reasons.



Give your car to your fiancee and tell her to drive herself? I.e. to the hospital and back.She doesn't have a drivers license, so that isn't going to work out right now. She was willing to take the bus while she could, but since they are moving her sister to a hospital on the other side of town (medically speaking, this is a good thing), it will likely take closer to 3 hours for the busses to take her there at the time of day she would be going.
Which means my time spent driving over there and back is going to increase for a while, not decrease. The good news is, her sister should be home faster as a result.


============
Going forward.
I spoke with my lady about scaling back certain elements of our wedding. She feels that as long as we knuckle down and get working on things, and minimize the interference from others, we should be okay. But ultimately, we both are on the same page that the interferences from others needs to sharply decline for both our sakes.
Wish us luck.

[Velaryon]

It sounds like you're a naturally giving person who does nice things for the people around them, which is great, except that you're letting yourself be taken advantage of. I'd like to echo what most people here are saying and repeat that you need to start saying no when it's not absolutely essential that you be the one to help them.

Also, if work will really fall apart without you, I would suggest you look for another job unless you're being compensated really well for everything you do there. Perhaps use those hours twiddling your thumbs at the hospital to explore other options (I assume there's a reason your fiancee can't drive herself to and from the hospital). You are not Atlas - you're not responsible for holding up the entire world for people.

It sounds like people are taking you for granted at your own expense, and you need to put a stop to that. It's already taking a toll on you, and it doesn't sound like you can afford to let it continue for too much longer.

[Socratov]

I sympethize with you in the fact that saying no is (one of) the hardest thing(s) to do. Especially when you are a naturally social person. But I can't help you in saying it, you need to do it yourself. I have no advice other then just do it with your discretion.

Other then that (with the stress etc.) try to keep one day in the week free of everything (usually it's sunday for people, but whatever fits best is well enough). And regard that as an ultimate threshold. Other then that You ahve my sympathies, I have been in that position (max. 6 hours sleep in the nights, no day of actual rest, no time for school becuase a project for school claims about 99% of your time, without social contacts, sports, classes and homework getting in the way). Just hang in there, it will get better and easier and before you know it it will get reversed...

[Eldonauran]

Yeah, you have everyone here on your side. I was in a similar situation before.

I learned that unless their house is burning down (figuratively), they don't need my help. My friends/family know that if they really need my help, I'll be there but I am not their to fix their problems for them. You make a bad decision, you deal with it. I'll let you crash for a night or two (no more otherwise I get caught up in homeowner's clauses about residency and whom I can/can't tell to get the hell out).

If they hold this against you or their relationship with you changes, they were just using you in the first place and aren't really friends.

Good luck and relax! :smallbiggrin:

[Barsoom]

You need to say "no" a lot more.

At work? Get yourself a few tasks that need to be completed during the day. Whenever an interruption arrives, just say to the hapless driver or what not, I can't help you now, I'm busy with X, Y and Z.
At home? Not every friend that moves needs specifically your help. Just say, sorry, I'm busy that weekend. Do not elaborate.

[Kelb_Panthera]

One more echo of telling you to say "no" more often.

Especially in the cases of non-immediate family and -all- friends. Watching the kids so your lady's mom can be near her sick daughter, yes. Much respect for that. Your friends deciding to move and non-parent family inviting themselves to christmas dinner, no.

I understand wanting to be there for your friends and I understand needing to be there for your family, but there are thresholds for reciprocity and severity that need to be watched. If all you're doing is giving and your friends and family are expecting that giving to bail them out on every little thing it's going to kill you.

Which brings me to the chest-pains. See a doctor ASAP if you haven't already. That can be some serious stuff.

At work, review your job-description. Unless you own the place start telling people to do their own damn work. If you -do- own the place or are in some sort of management position, start looking for more competent help and let your employees know that there's going to be no more of this getting the boss to do everything crap. New rule for you: if you don't see them outside of work, they're not your friend and you don't owe them squat.

[GolemsVoice]

Yeah, you've got my sympathies, and I too can do no more than echo what others said, that is: say no. Even to family members, and especially if you're, as you're so aptly put it, "voluntold". In the end, you have to look out for you and your lady, and saying "I need a weekend/THAT weekend for myself" is just as much a demand to your family as their demands that you help them, feed them and drive them around the country. So if you listen to them all the time, they have to listen to you, even if it sounds rude.

As others said, these things go both ways, so don't just provide without ever receiving. Saying no is your right, at work, with friends, and even with family.

[Karoht]

After this next two weeks of nonsense is over, I think I'm going to be a total hermit and turtle up in my house. And maybe a big sign that says PISS OFF.

@Seeing a Doctor
Yeah, I probably should. Chest pains come and go, back pain just kicked in hard. I sit up straight, I have decent posture, I don't do heavy lifting, so this is pretty bizarre.

[GnomeFighter]

You need to learn to say no. Not just to friends, but to family as well. It sounds like they are abusing your good nature. I'm including the kids and christmas in this.



@Seeing a Doctor
Yeah, I probably should. Chest pains come and go, back pain just kicked in hard. I sit up straight, I have decent posture, I don't do heavy lifting, so this is pretty bizarre.

Thats not bizarre. Back pain is normal stress reaction. If you don't do something it will hurt you hard.

[Karoht]

Tried taking it easier this weekend. Back pain appears to be gone for now. I nearly passed out in the middle of a mall though. Mid-sentence. Yeah. Tiredness caught up to me in a big bad way.

The good news, it sounds like we won't be spending as much time hosting family as previously imagined, and our hospital time might be greatly reduced soon as well. Also, the sister might get discharged from the hospital, and have the gall bladder surgery in about a month or two. So that's one less obligation for a while. Whew!

Just have to move people this weekend, get a few things straightened out over the course of the next few weeks... and I think I'm in the clear for a while. Until the next crisis of course.

[Crow]

I turned the ringer off on my phone over two years ago, and haven't turned it back on since that day. Sometimes I turn the phone off entirely, and only turn it on when *I* need to use it. Seriously, just unplug.

Try it. You won't have to tell anybody to find someone else to help them out. They will have to figure that out for themselves.

[Karoht]

Well, there is good news and bad news.
The good news is, the sister is home from the hospital, her mother came to town and is looking after her. We have a reduced need to be hovering over the poor gal every day now.
The bad news is, my fiance hasn't quite grasped the idea that volunteering me for something every time I'm looking forward to time off, is a fast way to demoralize me or send me into outright anger mode. Luckily, I avoided a freakout by remaining calm and expressing to her that having time with her was higher on my priority list for the time being.
Me: "Hey, awesome, I have monday off this week."
Her: "That's great, my sister just called, needs us to spend ALL DAY picking up things, driving family around, and then we will probably sit down and watch a movie you've seen 10 times already. But I'll make you dinner!"
Me: "Any chance I can say no?"
Her: "Well, you could, but that means she'd have to go a day or two without her meds and pain pills. Oh, and my visiting mother with a bad back would have to go on a bus for 3 hours one way, with 3 kids in tow."
Me: "Could you have asked your dad to give them a lift maybe?"
Her: "I could have but it slipped my mind. Now he's off at work."
Me: *sigh* "I'll warm up the car."


I'm starting to wonder if I should feel flattered or insulted that I'm the first (and typically only) person anyone ever thinks of when they need someone to save the day.

EDIT: Turning off the ringer on her phone might be more effective. Turning off the ringer on both our phones is sounding like a better and better idea by the minute.

[Crow]

It also seems clear that somebody needs to be able to drive themself places on their own. :)

My half-sister refuses to get her driver's license, so her poor fiance has to drive her everywhere. Every chore of hers that requires a car, becomes his chore as well as hers. It's infuriating.

Some people have legit reasons that they can't drive, though. If that is the case, it needs to become "Hey, you know I can't drive, and I need to let my extremely hard-working fiance have a break, instead of shuttling people around everywhere."

[Karoht]

Some people have legit reasons that they can't drive, though. If that is the case, it needs to become "Hey, you know I can't drive, and I need to let my extremely hard-working fiance have a break, instead of shuttling people around everywhere."
This.

Except it's more like "Hey, you know I can't drive, I need you people to stop f'ing things up so my fiance and I can have 5 minutes to ourselves, instead of shuttling people around everywhere or coming to the rescue."

But yeah. This. Pretty much what needs to happen.

This weekend is a wonderful example. Friday night, I spent at a vet clinic. Why? Because her brother and sister were both neglectful of this cat which has had known health problems for the last 6 months. I get they were stressted out/sick respectively, but this was unreal. This was a problem in the brewing for at least 2 months, the cat's sleeping area clearly hadn't been cleaned in god knows how long, fur matted beyond comprehension. So my fiance and I, who happened to be over at the time for just a quick visit, turned into having our entire afternoon/evening hijacked to take the cat to the clinic and get the problem solved.

[Palanan]

I know it was a hassle, and completely blew up your evening, but good on yer for taking care of the cat.

[Karoht]

I've received quite a few PM's offering support and a sympathetic ear.
I just want to say it is greatly appreciated. Thank you all.

[Karoht]

Update:
Sorry for the double post.
Things got a little nutty, mostly they are smoothing out.
I'm forced to quit the Thursday gaming group now. A friend is planning a saturday campaign and I might be back for that.

Due to my Fiance's sister requiring her Gall Bladder out, and some related complications (pancreatitis AND a cyst on her stomach), her mother and younger sisters have been in town for the last two weeks, looks like they are staying another week. At least there have been some opportunities for fun, and her mother has done quite well at keeping things as stress free as possible. But, another week is another week with small children about, or various last minute shopping trips because her mother doesn't drive.

But hey. At least I'm scoring serious brownie points with my future mother in law.

Possible return to normal life schedule some time in the next two weeks. Yeah.