View Full Version : Gamer Humor Campaign Quotes, NO CONTEXT EDITION!

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2013-04-15, 04:54 PM
"It's canon now! The tree is a Nazi!"


2013-04-15, 05:09 PM
"No worries, the wolverine got it...do we have a fighter, by the way?"

2013-04-15, 05:13 PM
"What's the blast radius of a mouse?"

"I took the wrong 5 ft step."

"I gather all my magical energy and blow up."

"Bull rush me."

2013-04-15, 05:14 PM
"If only I had a 20th-level Truenamer right now..."

This was in-character.

2013-04-15, 05:19 PM
This was in-character.



2013-04-15, 05:28 PM
"So I made a golem. By mistake.

...It was supposed to be a pie."

2013-04-15, 05:30 PM
Yay! Nazi trees!

"I'm not gonna let the two of you stand watch together because you and her mix like nitroglycerin and shaking it."

"I'm fine, [the disease] has a twelve hour incubation period."
"It has an average incubation period of twelve hours. Some people start showing symptoms at eight, some at sixteen."
"I got shot. That has an incubation period of right then."

"What happened?"
"You grew wings."
"Oh, is that what these are?"

"Well, this is cooler than the last murder. You know, when it just turned out the guy liked to eat caulk."
"Ah, yes, the great caulk cruncher caper."

"Can you pick the lock?"
"No. No skills in that. I was too busy learning Beholder, Yuan-ti, Elven, Giant, Gnoll, Orc, Undercommon, and Gnome."
"What? Do you at least have thief tools?"
"No. I'm not a thief. I'm an elf."
"You're a human!"
"Well, I want to be a elf. Can I be one? Can I be an elf?"
"What? And why don't you have thief tools?"
"Told you. I'm not a thief. I also had to spend the money on this sammich."
"Hey! It's a good sandwich. Come, sandwich, my mouth is lonely. Keep my mouth company."

"I never thought I'd be dying. Of radiation poisoning. In Amish country."

Cyborg child: "All are one in Unity. Unity is all. We are Unity."
PC: "Yeah, I saw this episode. It didn't end well for the starship."

"I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy, a ninja came out of nowhere and killed him."

"Here's the plan. You're going to turn into that giant dinosaur dragon thing, and then bite him."
"No. I am not going Archid for you, and I am not putting him in my mouth."

"Last time this happened, I ended up with a vampire in my mouth. I do not care to repeat that experience."
"I don't see…."
"In my mouth! The vampire was in my mouth! I can still taste it!"

"Did you know... your mom looks like Morticia Addams?"

"This could have been easy. It could have been smooth and normal. But no, you had to live in the murder house."

"It's all fun and games until someone puts out a ninja."

“I know how to use the spigot, I saw the horse do it!”

"You were touching that....that..... other woman!"
"Woman? That was a truck..."

“This is a very dirty room. It needs to be cleaned. All flaccid, organic beings should vacate the premises, as the chemicals and materials to be used may possess harmful fumes and may result in several health issues, such as wheezing, shortness of breath, and giant, gaping holes in weak, carbon-based flesh.”

“While you are correct in your assessment of my lack of buying power, you do not appear to realize that you, as a human, cannot function properly with a bullet hole in your head.”

“The scary part about the villain having that reality-altering device is that she’s probably the safest person to actually have it. She won’t share it with anyone and is scared to use it.”

“Is it really necessary to have more explosives than the climax of a sci-fi channel original movie?”

“You think it’s okay? Will I lose my paladin powers?”
"You know if this were D&D you'd have lost your powers like ten times before lunch."

“Anybody get the number of that soul train that hit me?”

“You must never use the Force in anger.”
“I didn’t. I used a crowbar.”

“I’m baking a cake. Where are the grenades at?”

“I’ll tear you to pieces.”
“I’ll tear you to pieces!”
“And I’ll make bread from your bones.”
“And I’ll make bread from your bones!”
“Okay, guys, next time you use the Force to start a bar fight, it’s Dark Side points for everyone.”

“If you use the drill on his forehead you will get a Dark Side point.”
“Thank you sir! May I have another?”

“It is my duty as a Jedi player to tell you that I am acting not on anger, but on pure he-posted-naked-trids-of-me-on-the-holonet fury.”

“I can’t believe that you, as both a twi’lek and a Jedi, allowed one of your ship-mates to buy one.”
“Hey, it’s part of our society, she sold her own contract.”
“But nothin’. I didn’t complain when you came back with your new chest piercing, and the Jedi frown upon body modifications.”
“That was a blaster wound.”
“Same difference.”

"I will never get an iPod if I can avoid it. I do not trust a company that is unable to grasp the most basic rules of capitalization."

"Do you know what's sad? I set my goals for the day as "Play computer RPG games" and then I failed to meet them."

2013-04-15, 05:31 PM
"Now see, Magnus, if I do this to the water, we can compress it into the shells for the cannons on our giant dragon-powered mechanikal doom robot."

~EDIT~ Another:

"Your character is a pink mist, now."
"What the hell? How many traps do you have on that door?"
"The door... is an extradimensional space created by Chaos Dwarves. Effectively, that door is made out of halberds."

2013-04-15, 05:36 PM
"I can do that too" :smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin:

2013-04-15, 05:37 PM
"...she was a good man."

"Judging by his dice rolls, seventeen unconscious orcs just fell from the ceiling."

2013-04-15, 05:40 PM
"Can I smack myself with my mace?"

"I'll pretend to be her mother."

"I'll take out my five nutcracker figures and play with them."

"Wait, how much are the chests themselves worth?"

"We'll throw a tarp over it and pretend its an octopus."

"We'll park the Island over our Fortress."

"I send my gelatinous Cube over to eat the support structure."

2013-04-15, 05:41 PM
"Throw me into the lust pit!"

"He's wearing nothing but a razor-edged sombrero."

2013-04-15, 05:41 PM

I don't know what games you've been playing...but I want in :smallbiggrin:

2013-04-15, 05:48 PM
"I'm a magic mushroom of wishes. Spare me and I will concede you anything you want."

"I want a Panzer Tank"

*A Panzer appears in the dungeon's corridor. The tiles of it break to accommodate the large and anacronic tank.*

"I leave my torch and play the ride of the Valkiries on my Panzer speakers and advance forward."

*The Panzer caches fire due to the torch.*

"Evacuate! Run for your lives! Ladies and Children first!"

*You make it out of the Panzer in front of you bathing in a fountain of rainbows and glitter a fluffy dragon looks at you surprised.*

"Rainbows cool!"

*The dragon claws you, Rainbow is now emerging from your severed hands*


Angel Bob
2013-04-15, 06:07 PM
"My sword... is sparkling."

"Zrou zis hole, I can see... underground! Zerefore, I surmise ze monsters came from... underground!"


"Have I ever told you about my backstory?"
"I swear, if you begin with your parents abandoning you in the woods..."
"It all started when my parents abandoned me in the woods..."

"I don't believe I know you, do I? Come to think of it, this doesn't look much like the Fellowship of the Fez. Blast! You idiot bandits, you've captured the wrong Fellowship!"

"Can I get you a drink?"
"We have no need of alcohol."
"Some water, then?"
"You don't work here."
"How do you know that?"
"You wear no uniform."
"I'm a bit of a rebel."
"We don't like rebels here. We seek to preserve order."
"What do you order, then?"
"You misunderstand."
"I think I understand perfectly well. Everybody wants food."
"We are fiends. We have no need of nourishment."
"Fiends, eh? Hmm… Tricky customers, you guys. What do you want?"
"We want to eliminate criminals and rebels."
"Oh. Fuzzy-Wuzzy, have you gotten in trouble with the establishment again?"
"Your… cat?"
"Yeah. I, um, I sell cats."
"Did you not say you work here?"
"I sell cats, too. Is there a law against that?"
"We would have to look it up. So… how much for that cat?"
"Oh, Fuzzy-Wuzzy's not for sale! He's my son!"
"Your son… is a cat."
"It's a long story. Well, actually, I called him 'Sun,' as in 'You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,' see? So, can I interest you in one of these other felines?"
"You are under arrest on the charges of being annoying. Clap him in chains!"

2013-04-15, 06:22 PM
"Sir?!?!... er...if i could have a moment to confirm the parameters of your order sir? You want me to single-handedly tour and inventory an un-quantified network of un-retained mining tunnels and sink holes, occupied by hundreds if not thousands of uncivilized, psychopathic, cannibalistic, homicidal and amoral Goblins, who seem to hold no sense of their own mortality or mine for that matter. After which I am to audit the operation records kept by a species with no written language of their own and only the faintest concept of what the words "written language" actually mean, with the express purpose of uncovering the possibility of embezzlement being carried out by a race once generously described by his grace, the Arch Bishop Arcala, as a pack of thieving c&^$. Then upon completion of these two tasks, using my experience in excavation and accounting, create a dossier detailing all possible strategies to increase efficiency within every facet of this operation, sir?!?!? are you sure you couldn't use my assistance with the Inn first?"

2013-04-15, 06:59 PM
"Don't MAKE me come over there and find out how many experience points you're worth!"

Spoken in her best Mommy-voice, by the then 8-year-old daughter of one of our gaming group.

"That's classified."
"By who?"
"By <The PC>."
"Why? How?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot answer that until classified classifieds the classified during classified."

No, that wasn't in Paranoia(tm).

NPC: "Don't worry, sweetie! If one of the bad guys takes me hostage, I'll try not to be all whiney and useless!"

Reeeeeeeally wish I could explain the context on that one... :smallwink:

2013-04-15, 08:15 PM
* "Or I could get another wand, for my own pleasure"
"... :smallamused:"
"... DAMN IT!"

* "I lift up the giants toenail and punch under it!" Said the halfling monk.

* "I steal his socks."

* spoilered for being a little explicit, even with censor
"Come and get me you shadowy c***s"

* "Wait is this that ceiling b*****d?"
"Um... yeah?"

* "If I fill his socks with rocks, can I make a sap?"

* "Can I just whip his belt off in one action?"

* "I use 'Greenflame Blade' on the children"

* "I double crit with the sock-sap"

* "how much does he have?"
"like... 7 copper"
"I take his clothes"

2013-04-15, 08:16 PM
"Your mother was a spell component!"

2013-04-15, 08:38 PM
"If you try this, there's a good 50% chance you're going to rip some fingers off."
"I'm a medic! I can put them back on!"

"I have a bad feeling about-"

Successful Intimidate check: "I have loose morals and a new prescription pad."

"How many Dark Side points would it be if I manufactured an aerosol delivery method for syphilis?"

"The engineer falls over because the DM is tired of doing the silly voice."

2013-04-15, 08:54 PM
"You know I don't feel ashamed because the little girl wrecked my powered armor any more."

Admiral Squish
2013-04-15, 08:58 PM
“Don’t worry, Gabe. Just calm down. They’re not going to send you to an internment camp or anything. We wouldn’t let them.”
“Calm down?! I’M IN A CAMP RIGHT NOW!”

"I'd follow you to the depths of Hades. The place, not the dude."

2013-04-15, 09:09 PM
"Oh, lovely. So in a few months there's going to be a boom of bouncing baby quarter-orcs...."

2013-04-15, 09:29 PM
"I Tumble to the horseburger!"

"...the DWARF is the cleanest member of the party?"

"The ball fails to roll away from your ball, and bursts aflame"

"It's cool guys, I'm with the elf!"

"Roll five Fort saves."

2013-04-15, 09:41 PM
"...attacking a superior officer while wearing a skin color above his security clearance."

2013-04-15, 09:51 PM
"I vomit up my inventory."

2013-04-15, 09:56 PM
"God isn't my co-pilot, a crazy chick with a 12 gauge is".

"Here's a doll, show us where the bad man hit you".

Jay R
2013-04-15, 10:43 PM
"By Conan's copper codpiece!"

"I enjoyed casting coordinated lightning bolts with you. I’ve never felt so connected to another person before."

"Love is one of the strongest and most mysterious forces of the universe. Of course, controlling arcane cosmic forces is what wizards do. Maybe we should research a spell for it?"

"Can we be the good guys?"

"OK, Ornrandir will always defend the unquestionable generosity and gratitude of the new king. His Majesty's sanity, however, remains in doubt."

"What in the name of Smaug's smelly smallclothes are you doing?"

2013-04-15, 10:49 PM
"I am now dealing lethal damage."

"Can I kick the door down quietly?"

"Are those druids still mad at us?"

"Do you think the ghost of that little dead girl is gonna haunt us?
Why would she do that?
You stole her candle."

"Do you think that owner of the magic-item shop is still mad at us?
The regular women or the black-market guy?
Either one."

"Oh, and they said there was some kind of reward, but I didn't think that was important."

"Do you think that [other adventuring party] is still mad at us for beating them up?
Eh, who cares, they're elves."

I'm starting to think my group has issues.

2013-04-15, 10:55 PM
"I Alter Self into a dwarf and order another round."

"Oh, well, I don't know about him, but I'm actually made of planar... stuff."

"I make a Silent Image of his mother."

"Any of you ever f***ed a fish before?"


"You see three fiendish and one half-fiend rabbit."

"Normally I'm against that kind of wanton destruction, but if [the LG cleric] in on board..."

2013-04-15, 11:30 PM
I'm starting to think my group has issues.

It's pretty much standard PC shenanigans to steal from/piss off/kill every NPC, with the exception of those who are plot-obligated to provide support, or given the highest honor a player can bestow upon an NPC: "This guy is awesome." In the latter case, the NPC has roughly 50-75% chance of escaping unharmed, or maybe with the PCs helping him in some meaningful way.

Besides, what kind of fantasy game would it be if you weren't pretending to be an antisocial murder-hobo? :smallbiggrin:

The New Bruceski
2013-04-15, 11:42 PM
"We come with a note for the evil mage."
"Okay, give it to me and I'll take it to him."
"Only he is allowed to look at it, we need to pass."
"I am sworn to the mage, I will not read it."
"...it's a verbal note. Look, can I just roll some dice?"

2013-04-15, 11:57 PM
"Holy s***, did you just crack the planet's crust with your mind?!"

"Crap. I think I just got married."

"No, you brought the bad juju here. I just made the Powerpoint."

"Did you just offer my d*** to a mirror moon beast?"

"I have to get home to make sure nobody's stolen my crappy TV. My neighbor gave it to me out of pity and I'm actually half-sure it wasn't bought with drug money."

"Did you just deflect that explosion with your boobs?!"

"Give me a minute. I just caught a faceful of Lucifer."

"I might have sold half of my soul when I thought you died."

"Jones! Cale! Check the perimeter!"
"Sir, with all due respect, we answer to Banjo Kazooie now, sir."

2013-04-16, 12:15 AM

"I want to know about who hired you."
"Whoa, really? Me too! Maybe we can compare notes! What have you found out so far?"

"You know, I've always wanted an ambulance..."

"'Winking smiley face.'"

"...so he starts chasing the space elf all over the ship while the Benny Hill theme plays in the background."

"I am your watermelon." *BOOM*

2013-04-16, 12:17 AM
You open it and find... a dead hooker.

Jeff the Green
2013-04-16, 12:35 AM
"Could you name the sharks? I suggest Shirley, Edmund, George, and Rapunzel."

"The sharks seem disheartened."

"Could you expand it so I can fit in?"

Oberon: "I am going to call this 'Trapception', has a ring to it, sounds....book smart, what do you think of it Dahvkur"
Davkhur: *Glares* I think I am never adventuring with a pixie ever again.

"No, wait. Allies, not dispensable patsies."

"Have you ever even seen a monkey?"

"Oh yeah, colleagues. Letting them touch it without knowing what it is might be bad. **Sigh**Unlife is so much easier when they're disposable."

"Don't you just love it when old enemies can let bygones be bygones and focus on a common goal? Of course, I prefer it when that common goal isn't killing us, but it's still heart warming."

"Would you move a bit away from me? The sky's about to fall if I do this right."

He did have time to replay the climactic action scene (and ensuing, ahem, "romance" scene) from one of his favorite books, Purchased For the Lord of Blades's Marriage Bed, however.

"If this is the afterlife, surely we committed horrific deeds in life."

"If I am dead and this is the afterlife then we have to fix it!"

Professor Pellivander: "Vesper, how do you ride one of these!"
Vesper: "Consulting Net reference. Error: Net connectivity insufficient. Consulting local memory. Entry for 'Horse riding' not found. Sorry Professor."
Professor: "Giddyup?"

"I wanna summon me some mutha****ing lions on top of flying sharks!"

"Does a shark count as a surface?"

"Presumably there isn't a Korea in Eberron."

"Has someone transmogrified you into a goose? And if so, can I set you up on a dinner date with my friend that metamorphosed into an orange?"

"What, you mean I wrote that description of blinding color surge for nothing?"

DM: "Bet I can convince her to stay in three words or less."
Player: "Attack," "of," and "opportunity"?

"If you call the rest of the party 'underlings,' pretty soon they'll be calling you 'phoenix-kebab.'"

"Needing to be proactive scares me."

"You feathered miser."

"Remember, kids, the cleric is not a first-aid kit. Particularly not this one, since she casts Plant domain spells spontaneously, not Cure spells."

"With your welcoming party dispatched, you are now free to enter the town—if the burghers' hospitality hasn't overwhelmed you."

"My kingdom for a microscope..."

"Awakened riding dong?"

"All the men, most of the women, and some of the children are bearing weapons. One of the dogs has picked up a javelin, and the horses are looking around for swords."

DM: "Anyway, you need to decide for how long and how far you want to try to follow Komori."
Player: "Paladin. Yes, that is a clear answer to that question."


"Well, that means I don't have to worry about my feral werewolf half-minotaur water orc gestalted with warblade and with Power Attack and Shock Trooper being too powerful, then."

"It's after the fall equinox and Ravenloft has similar seasonal variation and climate to Helsinki. (Just a little motivation for you to finish the campaign before midwinter, there.)"

"Vesper identifies the Oni's haidate as being equivalent to a belt of growth (MIC), except the enlarge person effect works any type, not just humanoids. It's still radiating dim illumination out to 60 ft., and will for 10 days. It also looks silly without the rest of the ō-yoroi."

"Personally, I prefer 'barditudinosity'."

"I think I'm going to be conspicuous regardless of my choice of furnishings."

"Which reminds me..." *digs hammer out of backpack* "Would you mind hitting me with this a few dozen times?"

"[Character] tends to have the same effect on metaphors that drunk engineers have on trains."

"I was distracted by your endtable and I didn't catch your name the first time."

"Honestly, I was hoping this was the sarcophagus of a pixie emperor or something."

"I'm a metal man and I lived with a dryad whom some idiots think is a god. I'm pretty much immune to weirdness by now."

"I don't plan on waking up one morning and enslaving all humanoids, but you never know."

"Oh, Sons of Slag! A bard, and a moron at that."

"First things first. I do not cast spells. I see magic itself, unravel its strands and weave them into objects. Very different. Second, I am not a cook. Among other reasons, I don't have to eat. And finally, you are a spellcaster, and oblivious and human at that, ergo you are squishy, ergo you do not stand in front. Ever."

"'Productive' is supposed to involve more books and fewer pirates."

"Hey, shoes!"

beau highbill
2013-04-16, 01:10 AM
"Damn it Beau, you had ONE Job!"
"So right about now your arm has lost all feeling, let's remove a few fingers and wait for the pain to set in"
"you build quite a crowd, but, forgetting to pick up your hat you don't get the 1500 yuan"
"I had a hat?!"
"I'll give you 500 to sneak me and this paralyzed guard into the city"
"So you tied him up when he was paralyzed from the waist down so he wouldn't run away?"
"I attack the guard (roll) for 21 damage"
"so the guard takes 5 damage"
"so we've got a puppet master, an earthbender... and a basketweaver?"
"you gonna eat that parrot?"
"Brostitude the cleric had some... fun times with the other male clerics"
"I'm gonna eat the kid!"

2013-04-16, 01:28 AM
" Sir William once killed a dragon once by flying a dragon into another dragon, killing them both instantly"

"Sir William the great, in one day he jumped into the sea to fight with a deadly shark, take over a pirate ship, using the poor sharks teeth as a necklace, and the rest of the shark infront of the ship, he also slayed a dragon that day, and in the end got swallowed by a ridicolously big fish that has a hidden city inside of it"
(that last sentence actually did happen a session though, but sounded so awesome when they told the tale in the bars ingame, i give them legacy points each time they do good on the William, part, soon the whole country is united under him and Bjorn the ringbearer!)


"Player: I run into the room!, DM: "Are you serious?" , "player: not sure anymore" Dm starts rolling dices for all the traps that just got triggered with a big smile on his face ^^

"Roll to see if you successfully manage to avoid getting the girl pregnant!",rolls a 1, "congratulations, you are going to be a father" ^^

2013-04-16, 01:35 AM
"I think Hitler has the right idea... everybody follow him to the far right!"

"What do you mean, Ayn Rand isn't carrying a shotgun? Who forgot to equip our authors?"

"Okay, so I hit the fire trap's pressure points. It has chakra, right?"

2013-04-16, 01:49 AM
"The skeleton commited suicide after a short conversation with Gregor".

2013-04-16, 02:54 AM
"I was happy once"
"I was happy when commanding a army of thousands to vanquish my enemies"
"...Moving on"

"Need to get that bullet out? I can do that!" *rips bullet out*

"Slenderman is MissingNo."

"Oh leave the shotgun, got this here demon infused scythe powered by children's tears"

"This just in for the Newmarket News"
"The hero vigilante know as Steel-hammer has committed another act of 'heroism'. The Fire-hawk boys a group of 23 college students were brutally attacked by the so called hero."
"Steel-hammer's attack killed 12 of the Fire-hawks. 6 more have died from complications from injuries. 3 will never walk again. 1 had to have his arm amputated, and the last member is still in critical condition."

"I came for you Turbo!!"
"Ah Steel... I kept telling people stop calling me that the names Nitro! NITRO! I set Nitro explosives, use a nitro based mixture for my powers its Nitro!"

"Why does that Cat look like it was beaten by chains?"
"The real question is how come its reforming into a normal Cat before our eyes"

2013-04-16, 03:35 AM
"Insane? No, no, that man is insane! I still have all my fish.
Oh, damn it all, the cat is getting into them!"

"So you're telling me the boss' childer is a sucker for Campbell's Soup?"

"No, no, I think I get it: Two,"
-holds out left index&middle fingers-
"plus Two,"
-holds out right index&middle fingers-
"equals lesbian sex."
-crosses 'finger scissors' together-

"I knew I should have stabbed that baby."

2013-04-16, 03:51 AM
"- You are under arrest for being undead.
- Wha-
- *PUNCH!*"

2013-04-16, 04:27 AM
A few things could become lost in translation... will use [translated quote] (["original" quote]).

"Viruses are our smallest problem!" ("Viren sind unser kleinstes Problem!")

"Air is 100% breathable!" ("Luft ist 100% Atmungsaktiv!")

"I raise my Mace and yell 'TURN UNDEAD!'" (no translation needed...)
"The Undead is unimpressed and hits you."
"Oh... I take my Holy Symbol and yell 'TURN UNDEAD!'"

Me: "I'll position myself on the van, aim at the guard and the Wargs. I'll take tranquilizing ammunition for the guard."
DM: ... "Congratulation you killed him. You need 5 seconds to dispatch the guard and his 3 Guardian Wargs."
Other Player: "Whats taking you so long?!"
(not really funny but odd...)

"I take a **** in the entrance hall!"

"I am a Hippogryph! I can Fly!"

"We are on the same level!"

"I can't think! I am eating!"

"GUARD! This person is repeatedly running into my Knife! GUARD!"

Paladin (PC): "You have broken into this Tower! You are under arrest!"
Rogue (Me): "I don't think so, I have the keys and the certificate of ownership. You are currently in my Tower. You can make yourself comfy."

Me: "Yeah, of course I should trink this suddenly in my pocket vial that's certainly a wonderfully good Idea....not."
DM: "You drink it. You really are lucky... all of your hair turns neon green."

"How the hell can you have 96 Skillpoints on level 3?!"

"There is something in the cellar we have to show you."

"As a Distraction spell I cast... Fireball!"

"She is riding on top of you."

"Come with me if you want to live!"

2013-04-16, 05:27 AM
"Can I use Remove Cuse to get rid of unwanted pregnancies?"

"Thank god, he just wants to rape us." (genuine relief, not sarcasm)

2013-04-16, 05:54 AM
Why Is Everything On Fire?!?

2013-04-16, 06:43 AM
"I check him for nipples."

2013-04-16, 07:04 AM
"I check him for nipples."

This remembers me about:
"I check if her nipples taste like beer."
or was it "I check if there comes beer out of her nipples..." not sure which one it was.

2013-04-16, 07:18 AM
"Oh you mean the drone? No, I'm not putting her in harm's way, just her clothes."

"I found a back door into NORAD. That 50-SEV raid in World of Starcraft is totally possible now."

"Is this the part where you stepped off the Mayflower during the landing of the Gettysberg battle?"

2013-04-16, 07:38 AM
"I cast Suggestion: 'Eat those candy bars!'"
"Oh, God, these are really good!"

(shoots NPC's hand off at the wrist)
"Looks like you've been… disarmed!"

"Hack it? Just… hack it? Do you guys even know what I do?"

"All right, I've disabled it. You owe me a new pizza."

"I had to spend three months immersed in a tank of fluid with my mind constantly hooked up to the Matrix, but I've got us a new firewall program."

"There's only so much an artificial sleep-regulating gland can do; get me a twelve-pack of energy drinks!"

"I'll use non-lethal force… did I knock him out?"
"No, ******, his head is splattered all over the wall, with a quarter embedded three inches into the concrete!"
"But I did stun damage!"
"Yeah, and did more to him than an anti-tank rifle!"

"My collection of archaic video games is unmatched!"
"Do you have Pac-Man?"
"****, why does everyone ask that?!?"

"So, you're a hacker, too? What's your specialty?"
"I counterfeit SINs."
"That's pretty cool, actually. I babysit these guys; I had to tell one last week how to check his email."

"I've got three Batcaves, actually… well, okay, one is just a rented garage, but thanks to my renovations, it'll do."

2013-04-16, 07:39 AM
"Stop raping the bear!"

"What, no!? My ball-sack is fangproof. Right?"
(It was not)

"I take the opportunity to pee myself."

Edited for irresponsible use of question marks.

Admiral Squish
2013-04-16, 07:56 AM

"Roll a fort save or wet yourself."

2013-04-16, 08:18 AM
"What exactly is wrong with genocide, private?"
"These shovel-ears are all bigots, I tell you."
"Demons? I tell you, death knight, those things are all make-belive. What I am to fear now, fairies?"

Jeff the Green
2013-04-16, 08:35 AM
Oh, yeah, here's another one:

DM: "Extracting an organ isn't that much of a desecration assuming you patch the corpse up again, speak a short prayer afterwards and don't do anything inappropriate with the taken body part."
Player: "So then, the question is whether eating it counts as 'inappropriate.'"

Angel Bob
2013-04-16, 09:17 AM
Some perennial favorites:

"Is that a bear?!"

Leading to:

"Hell yeah I'm a bear! You better believe it!"


"We are but a humble band of traveling minstrels!"

Which of course led to:

"...I said 'We are a band of traveling minstrels', the only one of you louts who can carry on a conversation... but nooo, people don't want to be minstrels, they want to be led away in chains..."

2013-04-16, 09:21 AM
The most plausible explanation would be because you spent your time as an angry ghost.

So, if you would just place your hand on his hoof you can be enlightened.

Daughter of a GOD?! I'm more likely to be the daughter of a codfish.

Lykal, your father hired us to return you to him. Your siblings are all dead.

"Oh, good, I get to stab you now. That's better!"

"Calm down...calm down...I'll calm down when I see this pampered dandy's mouth sewn shut."

//All from the same epic campaign, with all very good roleplayers, so not that much weird things, except by taking it out of context.

2013-04-16, 09:32 AM
"So, I draw a circle in the ground and scribble some fancy-looking Halfling nonsense all over it. I then stick the basilisk fang we're been randomly carrying around in the middle of the circle and balance the crystallized apple on top. I borrow the dwarf's magical gloves - I'm sure he won't mind - and lift the evil life-eating sword which I use to swing at the apple, sending it flying at the dwarf's face and pulverising the sword in the process. Yeah, that should do."

"Yeah, the dragon's pa is probably rather pissed with you killing and zombifying his son and is looking for you."
"Oh great, maybe I can finally get the complete series!"

2013-04-16, 09:55 AM
Didn't happen to me, but I read about it and it became a hilsrious running gag for the group:

"I am going to do something brilliant now."

2013-04-16, 10:07 AM
"Okay, I know this looks bad, but I have a perfectly reasonable explanation that hasn't come to me yet".

2013-04-16, 11:27 AM
"make a will save."
*incredibly low roll*

"So the woman I've been hitting on-"
"is married to the most powerful wizard in the world, yes"

"The sealing magic here is waning."
"I didn't know seals lived in trees."

"We go into the tree-gina"

"The unmodified, non-templated goblin killed both of you!"

"you see a midget with a hammer carrying a barrel of gunpowder"

"Wait, I have terrible stealth scores, this wont work."
"I KNOW! Just pretend to be potatoes!"

2013-04-16, 12:39 PM
"You were cheating on me with the toaster?"

"Didn't I already check the trunk for bodies? No, wait, I was removing spark plugs."

"Cool! Even if he's fictional, somebody else thinks Luna is Best Pony!"

"But you remember him! No one remembers former US president Richard Filmore."

"No, I'm dressed as Tifa from Final Fantasy."

2013-04-16, 01:04 PM
(From two different campaigns. One which I will eventually post the campaign for)

"So your plan to battle Slenderman is to play pokemon yellow?"
"Yes and get all the glitches, and glitch pokemon"
(Connected to the MissingNo campaign)

"Slenderman is meme based"
"We must counter him with the greatest thing of all! Cats! Get Charlie!"

"Roll a save vs. being a Cat" *dice*
"I shall swat you little red dot on the wall!!!"

"You have acquired a bag with a young girls face on it saying that real good human taste now in a bag!"

"Man we really need to rain in Steelhammer huh"

"It was a shaped charge. It goes in one direction it didn't hurt anyone else in the building"

"Are you asking if Argyle acted as a shield to the explosives?"

"None of us can investigate"
"Listen I tried to look into the kidnapped mayoral aid. All I did was beat up a drug dealer and got no where"
"Correct none of us can do subtle"
"Considering more of you are on the news for brutal murders then villains I'd agree"
"Why the heck have the cops not arrested us yet?"
"One of you has been shown to take high caliber rounds. Another regenerated well being pinned down and shot with shotguns at point-blank. Then there is the gun that can summon swarms of swords that cut through tanks"

"You guys have no secret base. You have a mansion. A mansion that has a secret room. Sure no one knows its there, but they know it exists."
"How do they know?"
"I'm not sure, maybe when you all got picked up in a limo and were dropped off at the mansion?"
"Or maybe it was the photographic evidence of the mansions owner fighting crime"
"Or maybe it was when you called Overwatch and said hey can you come pick up this nullification collar?"
"Or the fact that a news crew saw you all get picked up after getting into a fight with a war hero"

"He was summoning demons!!"
"Seriously how many times do I have to say it. He did a new age ritual for good luck. Turned out it bound him to a Demon Lord who he got powers from, in the form of a hellish nightmare creature form"

"HE was summoning demons!"
"You tried to bash his head in with a sledgehammer!"
"He was summoning demons!"
"To save his kidnapped girlfriend!"
"He was summoning demons"

"He was summoning demons"
"You murdered 15+ people yesterday!"
"He was summoning demons"
"1 demon by accident, and is now forever bound to, and then used it to save lives"
"He crushed that one guys skull!!"
"You baseball swung off 3 guys skulls at once"
"His sword causes nightmares"
"You murdered a innocent accidentally transforming into a T-Rex"
"I had help!"
"That is not a good thing!"

"This just in war hero Joel, joined with Overwatch private security to look into a way to save others like himself and all other people who have accidental power creation"
"He summoned demons at us!"
"Ruthless vigilante Steelhammer was noted for another string of brutal murders"
"Mr. Joel was quoted as saying; 'I will bring this villain to justice for his crimes'"
"He summoned demons!!"
"To help pay for damages I have done well in Stratos form"

In other news Steelhammer and the guy always saying he summoned demons are one and the same

Science Officer
2013-04-16, 01:33 PM
"The komodo dragon does not recognise your authority."

"I kick Swedish Batman in the face."

2013-04-16, 02:39 PM
" You're walking around and see a midget with the symbol of Baal in his forehead and a paper in his back that says 'kick me' "

Dwarf Cooker (don't ask): I hit the demon with a flour sack.
DM: Ok, if you hit it, It will be blinded.
Dwarf: Yay! A natural 20!
DM: Ok, he's blinded. Who's next turn?
Me (also a PC): Given the situation, wouldn't the darf need to roll reflexes in order to avoid become blinded himself?
DM: (laughing) roll.
Dwarf: But I'm a cooker and I have Art(cooking) 5! I knew what would happen 'cause I work in a kitchen!
Me: So, you throw flour sacks to demons regularly in your kitchen?
DM: (laughing) roll.
Dwarf: Natural 1.
DM and Me rofl.

"Can I have 'Mounstrous size ****' as a feat?"
"Only if you get a 14 in a d20"
"Gotcha! 14!"

One Tin Soldier
2013-04-16, 03:23 PM
"Here, have a 20. Now go get some ice cream while I stand here and look conspicuous."

"The only things he could hear were his own racing heart, the puff of cigar smoke, and the old man gumming pineapple in the backseat."

"You know, after all the time I've spent in that jar, I want to go somewhere with a bit more... space."

[Two PCs get in a car]
[One PC]: "Hey."
[Other PC]: *bear grunt*

"I'm sure I'll regret this, but... Yes, you can stalk the building."

"They would have been extremely difficult to deal with without transforming into a living blender. Fortunately, I was able to transform into a living blender."

"As far as he knew, he was randomly assaulted by a ghost swan."

2013-04-16, 03:45 PM
"I want to poison him with my fake hand."

"Telekinetic Rat Lobotomy"

"Let's go for a cup of postapocalyptic coffee sometime."

"The cyborg monster is starting to look much more attractive to you."

"I transform into the junk pile."

"I'm disguised as a washing machine."

"Someone ALWAYS picks hermaphromorph."

Store Owner: "Hello sir, can I get you anything?"
PC: "..."
*shotgun blast*

2013-04-16, 03:55 PM
"Okay, I'll summon a horde of celestial badgers and pin notes to them. Then the wizard casts Explosive Runes on all the badgers."

"Dude, why would they read the badgers?"

"A horde of badgers walk into your camp with notes on them. Why wouldn't you read the badgers?"
EDIT: Another, from a player who had I promise never heard the Dr. Demento skit:

DM: "You have a bad feeling about this town"
Beguiler: "I roll perception"
DM: "On what?"
Beguiler: "...the darkness!"

2013-04-16, 08:19 PM
"Gronk has bannana tusks!"
"What would the damage for those be?"

"Gronk would like to patent Scorpomail."
"Ok, that is patent #2."
"Whats patent #1?"
"The patent offfice."

"The town is now made of lincoln logs."

2013-04-16, 08:52 PM
"I drop my Compsagnathus into the pit."
"No! Not the teabags!"
"Can he fit in my backpack?"
"Congratulations, Rainbow Bright."

2013-04-16, 08:54 PM
"Great, we have a flasher R2 unit."

Joe the Rat
2013-04-17, 09:38 AM
"Bring me the gnome... it amuses me"

"I don't wanna go with the scary fat man. He smells like butter."

"Augh! I had my mouth open!"

"Give me... the secret of bacon."

"Okay, grab the end of his pole, and tell him to extend it."

"Nice pants. Where's the beard?"

"Remember that keg of rancid beer you opened? This is worse."

"Let's use the goblin to start a campfire" "Sure... or maybe we could use that tree that's on fire."

"I take his lollipop." "That's just mean."

"He'll be fine. He landed on his head."

2013-04-17, 09:56 AM
"No, we need not cleanse the asylum, we need merely to dismantle the gate"
"If the gate is destroyed, none may pass through it, and the town shall be safe."

"By the power invested in me by the highest of trophic levels, I now pronounce you man and prey-species. I may now eat the bride."

2013-04-17, 11:44 AM
"Good evening."
"Can I pass through here?"
"The gate's open."
"Okay then."

2013-04-17, 11:49 AM
"What are you gonna do? Drown him in wrinkles?"

2013-04-17, 11:49 AM
"God bless Pelor."
"Hey there, you ol' pox-faced son of a whore!"
"I roll a suicide check."
"I'm going to kick Monte Cook in the balls for this."
"Rotar has 'peasants' as his favored enemy."

"So, yeah, it looks like you can only carry about 250 lbs of bacon."
"I feel like we're playing 'Oregon Trail.'"

"You see some townspeople chasing a small lizard creature covered in panties."
"Can I have the glitterbear as my animal companion?"
"Hey, Phil! 'Daggers in the dark,' Phil!"
"I give the king a hug."
"I've got another level of Psychic Warrior now. I want to fight Batman again."
"Taste the Painbow!"

2013-04-17, 01:13 PM
Soveriegn Caulk, instant bondage.

Look, I understand that Eggs, oil and Mayonaise are primary exports of your people… But for the love of every god in my game, can you please, please stop rubbing them on your characters body!?

Yes I'll admit that your Cerean doing that was incredibly awesome, but you will not trick me into saying 'cone head bulletime'. ~GM facepalms after being tricked into saying it~

"You are a banana." the jedi mind tricks the nameless npc with a nat 20 who falls still onto the floor in the doorway and causes his allies to trip over him and causes a pileup ending the 'chase scene' as they fail their appropriate skill check with a nat 1. "… Wow that, worked better then I thought it would."

The character name you choose for your businessman is Sly Dagwa?.. Awesome.

"And I program my survelliance droids to perform a randomized patrol pattern for security purposes." I add so that no one could learn such things in advance and avoid the security system with a proper plan, only to return to the ship and see my droids floating in random circles, ovals and other odd patterns while playing circus music.

I don’t care if it's a droid, I just think its sad that the best party tank in the primarily warrior party is a chair.

Ok I'll level with you, I'll reluctantly allow the concept - just know that you'll have a DM tree floating overhead ready to insta kill It if it goes the wrong way.

~knock knock~ The scout knocks on the door and doubles back to the bushes. "Who's there?" Replies a voice as a slit in the doorway opens. "Skirmish!" the scout adds rushing the door with his polearm. "Skirmish Wh~aghck?!" The guard muffles as his head is impaled by the spear and the party animates the doorman to unbar the door from the other side.

If you don’t believe me lets reference the strength charts then.. ~after calculation~ Why can your wolf haul more then a semi truck!?

Get that cone out of my face!

Release, the Ewookie.
Don’t you mean Ewok?
Did you mean Wookie?

Look, I know you're a paladin and thus immune to the disease and you've got a godly fortitude save - but snorting mummy dust cant be healthy…

You mean the Ewoke pilots favorite manuever is the Barrel (emphasis on 'bear') roll? Im shocked.

The mexican janitor enters the torture room to clean up the interrogation room and the prisoner, he removes the bag from his head and procedes to clean him. "Please, please, oh thank god, please help me." He adds thinking it is no longer one of his captors and he might be able to convince them to free him.
"Noooo, nooooo… Your god no es' here." the janitor adds slipping the bag back on as he leaves the room.

And yes, I did in fact just dropkick that mans head off his body!

So why do they call em mouse droids? Well they couldn't very well call them anal pleasure droids now could they?

Yeah I'd like a double bacon bacon, extra bacon, some more bacon on the side, hold the bacon…And Water.

A man grows more and more upset as he fails to light his lighter. "YOU BIC!"

I don’t care if you have regeneration, please for the love of god, do not scalp yourself to remove identifying tatooes… It scars me so.

You are running out of unique ways to kill my pet chickens.

Damn this fog is thick, wait I have a solution to our problem! ~the party looks excited~ First, I cut a circle. ~he adds taking out a knife and going in a circular pattern in the air~ and then I cut another circle. And then I eat the fog donut.

"Do I go around keeping myself warm by burning your village idiots!?" the treefolk asks the party at their campfire.

I don’t care if you have all the right separate skills for it, You are not a Moose Massouse!

2013-04-17, 01:52 PM
DM: You have a powerful case of the munchies.

Barbarian: "I EAT THE DWARF!"

Bard: "Wait, what!?"

2013-04-17, 01:54 PM
"Hello Detective! You want to help save some orphans?"

"I don't think fairies use time bombs."

"What does DMPA stand for anyway?"


"I"m sorry, he's my retarded cousin."

"So, who remembers our cover story?"

"I think I just broke time. Or reality. Or both."

"Oh ****, I just set orphans on fire."

"You opponent draws his blade, and for a moment you both stand tensed, eyes locked. Then you just f***ing haul, dodging into the traffic jam leaving him blinking."

"Wait, built?"
"As in, I'm fat!"
"Oh, Er, sorry...Look, I'm a mad scientist, it's a valid question!"

"I made the mistake of handling one of your...weapons. It sung the polish national anthem and blew a hole in a vending machine. So I want you to explain everything to me as if you were talking to an idiot."

2013-04-17, 02:07 PM
"Ok. After you tear away the poisoned shuriken, you notice that ninjas are attacking!"
"Cool! How many of them, and where they're attacking from?"
"Thousand of them... and they're coming from all sides, even from the sky!"

2013-04-17, 02:12 PM
"There's only one thing we can do. We have to take a dump in the fountain."

2013-04-17, 02:37 PM
"It's alrady past midnight, and we still didn't get to kill anyone."


2013-04-17, 03:02 PM
"What makes you think that, under any circumstances, that would have worked?.....ever!"

"I stab him in the throat..."
"Feels like the right thing to do!"

"You've had food this whole time?!?!"

(PC) "I have to ****."
(DM) "ok, ****."
(PC) "I ****."
(DM) :smallbiggrin: "what will you wipe with?"
(PC) ........:smallannoyed:

2013-04-18, 09:46 AM
"Did any girl goblins notice me?"
"Yes. You have 6 Cha."

"Is it a blue turtle? Can we paint it blue?"
"What color is the toad puke?"

2013-04-18, 10:22 AM
"-for they know true power."
"No, they don't."


"I died."
"Did you?"
"I don't remember that."
"I died. Trust me."


"I was not anticipating my psicrystal would be a hobgoblin, thank you."


"I crashed my motorcycle into a spear factory."


"It was a mating ground for mushroom men. You can't make up stuff like this."


"You're just leaving behind a trail of super-powerful creatures transmuted into humanoids."


"He looks like a bar stool with a human face."

2013-04-18, 10:39 AM
"He's death of course morals don't factor into how he see's things"

"So let me get this straight Death is challenging you to a board game winner gets to decide the contest for your soul and your saying no"

"You finish setting up your miniatures army. Death places out 4 horsemen"

"Taking her to silent hill wouldn't have worked they have scheduling issues with a guy trapped in his apartment"

"She stabbed herself to make a deal with death to help you"
"She did that cause I couldn't have him take you to Silent Hill yet"

"I got shot in the gut I'm not eating anything"

"Can you bring me my talking cat?"
"Oh god I'm so sorry I thought it was evil so I tried to smash it with your miniatures"

"You went to get ice cream and left me alone with my evil twin"
"To be fair it was good ice cream and 3 scoops for the price of 1 that day"

"How could you not tell which of us was real"
"Well you were cuter but that could have been it trying too hard"

"Ok what is your name"
*The figure changes the surrounding area into a graveyard*
"No I asked what your name was"
*The figure draws up the dust*
"I'm asking you what your name is"
*The dust dances to life form a child which rapidly ages through life*
"Again what is your name"
*The figure draws a scythe, its eyes sparkle with a sapphire blue light, like a pair of blazing blue stars*
"See this is not helping"
*It snaps its fingers and shows the hospital room were Joanne is*
"Ok so you must know where Death is then"
*The figure rises massive black wings spreading out*
"So you'll lead us to him.... (2 minutes of in and out of gaming thinking)

(Yes that happened yes the player did not get it, in or out of character.)
(Context for the Death one is they were trying to save Joanne cause she had been stabbed)

2013-04-18, 10:51 AM
"Let me see if I follow your logic here. We can't torture the sniper, that shot me and 2 other crew members, for information after he was caught red-handed BY US...but YOU can kidnap our captain and our merchant, torture them for information...All based on a hunch. Officers, I believe the Nobleman just admitted his involvement in the kidnap/torture of 2 people in front of a dozen witnesses. Arrest this moron."

"10 MEN! 10 MEN! (Knocks 1 out) 9 MEN! 9 MEN!"

"I hack the space station and encrypt their entire network so only I have access"

"Do they do it doggy style?"

"If he gets a gun then I should be able to build explosives. Fair is fair."

"Furbies!? Why the hell did it have to be Furbies?"

"You shot the hermaphrodite in the groin...it's a SHE, now."

"Wait...so you're telling me that she's a high-class, Geisha prostitute? JACKPOT!"

2013-04-18, 02:09 PM
"Got your pants!"

Sgt. Cookie
2013-04-18, 04:11 PM
This isn't mine, I saw it on the boards as part of a larger thing.

"I don't really know what Darth Maul has to do with Mindflayers"

2013-04-18, 09:20 PM
"My dear Doktor Frankenstein: Doctor Doom is just two mice in a suit."

2013-04-18, 10:09 PM
"I convince him the sky is red."

"It's a calzone golem."

"Can I seduce the chaotic evil half-dragon?"

2013-04-18, 10:30 PM
"It's a calzone golem."

Suffer that hot, hot tomato sauce splash.

"Wait, his name is Mr. Sanders? Great, we're supplies for Guild Fried Dragon."

"Yes, they are all wearing what are essentially Roman uniforms."
"Great, I got a good look at his 'virileness' then, didn't I?"
"Oh yes. He's very excited to spar with you."

2013-04-18, 10:52 PM
"Seduce him."
"But then I'd have to touch him in ways that aren't murder!"

"You go into the room and compose the Saddest Music in the World"

"I summon the room lined with pencils."

"It's so gothic there are crenelations on the crenelations on the gargoyles!"

2013-04-19, 12:16 AM
"...Are you suggesting I fake a divine vision tomorrow, just as an excuse to test out celestial as a private means of communication?"

2013-04-19, 10:38 AM
Player: I start bashing my manacles on the floor.
DM: The startled cleric prepares to cast a spell on you.
Player: I stop right before the manacles break.
DM: ...He stares at you awkwardly.
Player: "They were a little too tight."

Two more guards show up and wrap your immobilized body entirely in chains.

I name the pony "Lightning!"

Player: I use Alchemist's Fire to melt a small "R"-shaped hole in the window and then jump through the window!
DM: Through the window?
Player: Yeah!
DM: The window shatters, destroying your artistic signature.
Player: Drat! Anyway, I steal the onion I came in here for... I use my rapier to draw an "R" on the wall though.

DM: "As thanks, I can give you some equipment from the temple's treasury."
Player: "I'd like some candles, please! And throw in some matches too."

In the bear's stomach, you find a tiny piece of bark with writing on it. It's a shopping list written in Sylvan.

The cat snaps his fingers and you find yourself on an ice floe headed towards the city.

The hobgoblins reward you with a drow's head on a stick.

Player: "Do you sell parachutes?"
DM: The annoyed merchant cuts a piece off his cheapest cloth, hammers it a few times and throws it at you.

Unfortunately, the drows' giant spider robot of doom is still experimental.

Player 1: I stab the dead orc a few times before throwing him in the river.
Players 2-4: We help you with that.

This dragon seems like my kind of dude.

Hunter Noventa
2013-04-19, 01:25 PM
"I can't accept a military contract from a bunch of guys that can't even coordinate their outfits!"

"Well, we could get killed by a bunch of shadowrunners, but the dim sum is SO good...."

"IN A WORLD without bagels... there is a crusade by one man, who is an ascetic Jew...."

"Fate, what would you like on your sandwich?"

"You now know the real reason why the Civil War ended."
"Giant robots?"

"Considering how fast that guy can disintegrate, he must be a mathematician!"

"Man dont say funny things it makes me get shot in the head"

"Doctor Zero Caligula! YOU FIEND!"

2013-04-19, 05:14 PM
"Don't you think the hallway will be trapped?"

"Bring up the graduate students."

2013-04-19, 06:03 PM
"You know what spell would be really usefull now? Gills."

Dire Panda
2013-04-19, 06:30 PM
"Is that the paladin's arse, or did your party get ambushed by a gelatinous hemisphere?"

2013-04-19, 08:48 PM
I'd like to see you attempt to make an attack of opportunity against a spell.

2013-04-19, 09:15 PM
"How exactly did a pack of BUS sized lions manage to sneak up on us, in the middle of a flat field?"

"All the hair on your body suddenly gets burnt up. Take 2 points of damage also"
"As a warning to keep polite to these people."

2013-04-19, 09:56 PM
"Mountains are impotent!"

"I'm a dragon!"
"Can someone tell this kobold to shu-"

"Oh no, is terrible monster from childhood!"

"Oh, don't mind him, that's just my addled cousin."
"Why do you keep him chained up in the store?"

2013-04-19, 10:04 PM

2013-04-19, 10:35 PM
"But... why would a minotaur even become a ninja?"

2013-04-19, 10:46 PM
"Okay, yeah.... I don't like to be penetrated"

Admiral Squish
2013-04-19, 11:11 PM
Oh, no, I just grow a glacier sometimes.

Gnome Alone
2013-04-20, 12:42 AM
"We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm the long-lost heir."

2013-04-20, 12:57 AM
Suffer that hot, hot tomato sauce splash.

Attacking it with piercing or slashing damage triggered a splash of fire damage on all nearby enemies. :smallamused:

2013-04-20, 05:06 AM
DM: "Ok, roll diplomacy to convince yourself to leave."
PC: *Rolls poorly.*
DM: "You convince yourself to leave. Good thing you are both extremly persuasive and easily manipulated."

NPC: "You may take anything you want from my treasury, I don't need it anymore."
PC: "Thanks! We already did so on the way in."

2013-04-20, 08:14 AM
"Bartender, give me a glass of minotaur milk."
"You do realize all minotaurs are male, right?"

"Quick, roll no homo!"

"Spill his drink!" "Shut up, Bro-Demon." "Trip the ****er!" "NO."

"Where's your dog?"
"Right, Courage Wolf. He's hanging out, walking around. Y'know, on the ceiling."

"Which Craft do you have?"
"Nefarious devices."

"Courage Wolf, new mag!"

"Five-Finger Rainbow Ice Cream Death Punch Beam!"


"Yeah, run over to the village and get help. They speak Kobold, so go ahead and shout Kobold at them so they hear you. Also make sure you wave your weapon around, so they know it's urgent."

"I am a guardian of the Earth! MAHOGANY!!!"

"No guys, it's a friendly ghoul. God, this material is stupid."

"Nat 20 on Reverse Knowledge. If you collect a testicle from seven dragons, of different age categories and colors, you can make a wish."

"Reverse Knowledge. Dragons are so rare because they have one testicle and adventurers keep harvesting it."

"Reverse Knowledge. Dwarves crap rocks. I can't wait until <dwarf character's player> gets back."

"Okay, so the party wakes up after the night's rest, and-"

"Reverse Knowledge. The proper orc greeting to show respect is to stand on your head. I can't wait until <party face's player> makes his Cultures check."

"Wait. Did we just fight the same dragon five times?"

"I cast Know Opponent on her."
"Okay. Huh. Make a Will Save and a Fort Save."

"She had a free feat slot! I gave her Live My Nightmare as fluff, I swear!"

"As you defeat the creepy elven girl, she turns into a pile of snow and melts away."

"Okay, guys, the house with fists is back."

"No no, the ones with pink and blue sprinkles are the real thing. It's the blue and pink sprinkles that are C4."

"At least it's not Siberia."
"Dude, it's the Atrocity Realm!"
"It's still not Siberia."

"Alright, everyone roll soak against Holocaust."

"Who are you calling weird?"
"Well, we have spiritual nut, OCD nut, YOU, and a guy who grew up in a cave of crazy werewolf rapists!"
"Says the guy who just crawled out of poo!"

"As you exit the ruins, you spot a cupcake. It has green and yellow sprinkles."
"****. I enter the ruins."

"I cast Detect Authority."
"You detect that he is, in fact, The Man."
"Cool. **** him."

2013-04-20, 11:58 AM
"Nat 20 on Reverse Knowledge. If you collect a testicle from seven dragons, of different age categories and colors, you can make a wish."


2013-04-20, 12:16 PM
"Are the orcs on the scale of China?"
"Then let's take 'em!"

2013-04-20, 02:55 PM
I still cant believe your wolf is the size of a van and can haul an equivalent load to a freight train.

Can you guys please stop grunting and thrusting whenever we talk about my queen, it's a little disrespectful.
~everyone looks at him for a second~
Ah who am I kidding? ~Gm adds as he joins us~

I decapitate the commander in one fluid moosion. ~ment to say motion but sounded like moose shun~

Damnit, this tunnels are flooded with zombies and we left our casters behind on the craft project.
No problem, I can turn undead. ~monk~
WAit, what!? When did you learn that? ~everyone~
I've always been able to do it, just seemed kind of pointless. ~monk~
Not at all, by all means! ~everyone adds moving the monk to the front as the zombies are shuffling closer~
Allright, here goes. ~The monk adds as he steps forward to grapple a zombie and change its facing~ See. Turned.

You guys really need to stop being so lazy and take a point of ride or something... Im really tired of you sleeping in my wolfs giant saddle bags.

"FENRIS!" The paladin calls to the sky as in a bolt of lightning and a crack of howling thunder a huge size category celestial dire wolf is summoned next to him.
"DAMN! Thats a huge bitch!"
"Thank you for noticing, she's always so self concious when people think she's a he." mumbles about the 8 intelligence.

A potion of hide from animals! PErfect. ~drinks the potion as a random bundle of animal hides wrapped in string appears~

So mister, why do you have a brass nose?
It matches my other brass prosthesis.
~no one sees one~ So the title of Captain Brass balls the fate tempter was more literal then we first thought?
~he continues drinking with one hand and flicks his crotch with the other to a slight 'Clunk'~

And you failed your save, we'll get back to you in a moment. ~the gm adds passing him a note as he looks super pissed and trying to hold back his anger~
The rest of you enter the room as planned in two minutes when you dont hear from the rogue, inside is a random assortment of goods as befitting this store room but out in the middle of the floor is a giant wheel of Dragon pepper cheese.
Well I think we all know what we're doing, right boys? ~one of the players adds to the others taking out a knife and the missing player starts pounding the table and keeping silent~
Well that was some good cheese but he still hasn't reported back in after ten minutes - we best procede further into the manner to find him in case he is in trouble. ~the leader adds as the rogue passes his character sheet into the trash can having just been eaten by the party~

I use fling ally to throw the halfling into the gargantuan enemies exposed crotch.
~Gm blinks~ You realize I didn't mean his testicles when I said get the rock giants pebbles as the quest right?
Just making sure.

Hey guys check it out, I made a feat that allows me to use my notice checks for search after hearing that BS 'look with your eyes, not your hands line' once too often.

2013-04-20, 02:59 PM
"When tell you to, use that Wand of Fireball centered on me."
"I can't use it. Fireball isn't on my spell list."
"Hey, I'm a warlock." ~pulls up his hood~ "I don't know what a spell list is. Hraaaaaagh!"

2013-04-20, 05:43 PM
"Awww man....we have too much penis."

Player:"How much cargo space does that Gallofree have?"
DM(Me):"Uh...19,000 metric tons...why?"
Player:"Alright guys, we need 19,000 metric tons of prostitutes."

"Oh my god...why did you tear my finger off?! Why?!"

2013-04-20, 06:56 PM
"What's your safety word?"
"Make a Cuddle check."

2013-04-20, 07:56 PM
"I aim my shot at his childhood, and remove his awakening"

2013-04-20, 09:28 PM
"I have a penis, this is a job for me!"

2013-04-20, 10:19 PM
"I'm sorry I shot you, but, do you think we could make it up over dinner or something?"-said to the team cleric

2013-04-20, 10:26 PM
"I'm sorry I shot you, but, do you think we could make it up over dinner or something?"-said to the team cleric

It's a sharp pick-up line, straight to the point. Get it? Because, you know, arrows are sharp, straight, and pointy... heh..

2013-04-20, 10:43 PM
"Logically speaking, that means that I'm allowed to kill any humans I want."

"You became a devil?"
"Well, you took too long."

2013-04-21, 08:52 PM
"What are you doing in here?"
"I was looking for the bathroom."
"Oh, ok then."


"Can I blow him up?"

"Move please."

"Did that dragon just eat him?"

"We fought a Taresque?!"

"How did you manage to light the forest on fire?"
"It was an accident."

"When the cleric tells you to drop the victims and run, YOU RUN!"

"Can I push him off the mountain?"

"Hey, check it out! It looks like this guy just lost his head!"
"Stop it."
"Why? We're a-head of schedule!"
"I said stop."
"Common, it's not like I'm going out on a limb here."
"I will hurt you."
"Well, I guess you have more ba** that he does."

2013-04-21, 09:13 PM
"D***m't I wanted to maim him too!"

"Okay, so I just met with Vampire Guy-"
"He's not a vampire!"

"Bastard! You just spilt four cups of coffee on my crotch!"

"No, you may not purchase 37ft. of detcord."

"No, there are no elves."

"Tell him to go frolick away to look for roses."
"How will that help?"
"This is Colorado."

"Geek the mage! Geek the mage!"

"As soon as I've saved up the money, I'm buying us a BattleVagon."

2013-04-22, 05:14 AM
"Fine. But if I win, you're a lesbian."

"We fought the ocean. The ocean lost."

"Malks gonna malk."

"You have Detect Kirkland at will?"

"How do I know I can trust you?"
"I'm a psychiatrist. I'm pretty good at knowing when people are lying. I'm fairly sure I'm not lying."
"...fairly sure?"

"Dammit, the vampires have tinfoil."

"Do you know why I chose you?"
"Because I'm a greedy, amoral borderline sociopath?"
"Because you're desperate. But that too."

2013-04-22, 06:30 AM
"Then I'll shoot through this cheap-arse Japanese fiberglass door!"

"On the plus side, I didn't soil the robot's French Maid outfit."

"If it were me, I'd just run him over with his own Hummer."

"What the hell is she addicted to, Lay on Hands?"

"Can you pretend that I'm dead?"

2013-04-22, 07:46 AM
Me - "I will now accept you unconditional surrender!"
DM/NPC's - "But theres 150 of us and only 1 of you? We#ll pulverise you!"
Me - "Wrong, I have back up. Get em Tibbles!"

One Tin Soldier
2013-04-22, 08:58 AM
"The lava is the least of our problems right now."

"That's the most sensible plan we've come up with today. And that's highly disturbing."

2013-04-22, 11:13 AM
"The cleric just...fell. On a large number of fist-shaped rocks"

"All right, please commence Wacky Chase Scene maneuvers"

"Hey! If (The sorcerer) wanted to be insulted, he'd have asked me for dating advice!"

"You guys have been doing this for a while. I, on the other hand, seem to have been dragon my feet."

"Hello. Uh, we had an appointment for uh, five in the afternoon?"
"Our five o'clock appointment was for a band of lizardfolk bards."
"A bunch of lizardfolk bards and a WIZARD. You've blown our cover!"

2013-04-22, 12:44 PM
"So, I've got this snake. It's ENORMOUS, like, 20 feet long. And I heard you were into that sort of thing?"

2013-04-22, 01:40 PM
I just cant imagine the police taking the reports seriously… I mean, every day it just gets worse. A barbarian with chain-mail and kevlar Bdu's, walking around with a sledgehammer pimp cane, with a stuffed carnival snake and fuzzy top hat, Parana filled glass bottom platform shoes, Cyber mech fist gauntlets and now riding a robotic ostrich chariot over everything from roads to rooftops.

2013-04-22, 02:08 PM
"Fall? Fall?! I light people on fire and electrocute the survivors! Flip her upside down, lilac colored halfwit, so that I can start with her toenails."

"Of course I try to seduce them. The Paladin started it, I'm just trying to keep up."

"What do you guys think you are doing?"
"...Opening a pet store?"

2013-04-29, 01:08 AM
"You know what they say Tiger Shark - there's always a bigger fish!"

*Sorcerer Superhero proceeds to summon a Land Shark to swallow the supervillain known as Tiger Shark whole*

2013-04-29, 01:39 AM
From Three Coins, Two Birds and a Gilded Sword (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=260466) if anyone is interested in context. :smallwink:

“Never trust a guy in robes, they look silly.”

"You’re covered in alcohol, the worst that could happen is when you’re set on fire."

“Hush little bear-wolf, don’t say a word...”

“Aww, that’s my favourite leg.”

“There won’t be any chunks left!”

"That's ok, there's a bunch of guys we've killed. Breakfast!"

"And when she gets bored with him, cut off his head and give it to our puppies?"

"I was going to, but then I didn't, because who would be scared of a possum?"

*whack* "HEAL! *whack*

"I'm not going to give him a taste for human flesh, just yet."
"So you're going to... feed him his parents?"
"You could voluntarily cut off a bit of your calf!"

"I breed quickly."

"Do you want me to stuff more bandages in his face?"

"Now we have no clothes. No wait, I have clothes. You guys don't."

"I'm going to go gather fruit and... pickpocket some possums."

"Nah I'll eat bits. His heart I guess."

"The best you can do mate is to hold your hands in the air and recite, "I, am a tree."

"Yeah I give up on hiding. Look here, Harold's a tree!"

And that was just the first session, I've got hundreds more. :smalleek:

2013-04-29, 03:14 AM
"Stop touching my ears, you pervy elf."

2013-04-29, 03:28 AM
"Sir, while you may be carrying an obnoxious amount of various flavors of smoked jerky, I just don't believe that you're a jerky vendor."

"Innkeeper, tell me! Who is the cup?!"

"Aww, yeah! I've always wanted to do that!"
"...You've always wanted to set the atmosphere on fire?"

Sorcerer: "The nipple-clamps of exquisite pain?"
Paladin: "Oh man, those things are amazing!"
Sorcerer: "..."
Paladin: "This conversation never happened."

"Oh, wow, that is the most beautifully crafted phallus anyone's ever sculpted out of a dwarf's arm."

2013-04-29, 04:07 AM
Player: Ivan begins thinking.
DM: There is a first time for everything.
Time Paradox go shatter now
Congratulations, you guys are in an unending time-loop of stupidity...
Group: Oh shi- *boom*
I was wrong... she made it 15 feet.
I had a puppy, and a cat... gave me a hair ball.
Player: Screw collateral damage!
What is corporal donn- **** they're both Gnomes!?
I've become lame!
Disarm him, take his boots!
You want my knight to clean up your poo?
Does the water look hurt by my lightning?
Even the villains can't count on us...

2013-04-29, 04:23 AM
"The Gangrel in the boot mauled Justin Bieber."

2013-04-29, 04:36 AM
"I don't suppose you're the 'expounding upon your plans and motives' type?"

"I make a Diplomacy check to convince him to play strip poker with [the sorceress]."

"Screw it. *pointing* You, you, you, and you. Congratulations, you're all seven-headed hydras now. Have fun."

"You find a bag of grease and a note from G-d that says 'F*** you.'"

2013-04-29, 06:45 AM
"I'd assume the only crunks we had were in the back seat. ...what's a crunk anyway?"

"So, are we going to experiment on your mom's car? Because I'm all for that."

"You too can have an easy adventure for only $4.50 in tolls."

2013-04-29, 10:10 AM
"A grenade in the hand is worth two in the wolf."

The Grue
2013-04-29, 01:43 PM
"Can I make a disguise check for the soda bottle?"

2013-04-29, 06:17 PM
Poor guy. That must be the fifth time Blade Runner was thrown through that window tonight.

2013-04-29, 07:08 PM
The goblins are going to commit sudoku if you don't hurry up.

2013-04-30, 07:26 AM
The goblins are going to commit sudoku if you don't hurry up.

This one amused me way more then it legally should have.


"With 125 points it could ONLY be a baby dragon. I'd have to take a disadvantage just to afford the diper."
"I offered to let him play as a wolf, but instead he opted for what amounted to a house cat with the Gary Coleman template."
"This one eats carrots, sugar cubes, and human hands."

2013-04-30, 05:24 PM
"Bardic immunity!"

"Yes he screwed her lesbian."

"She’s like my pancakes, brown on the outside and gooey on the inside"

GM rolls dice "Ok, your wife's stats make her hotter than the goddess of beauty.":smallwink:

GM (same one, same game): " what's your backstory, ... OH I get to read it!"

Me:"I got this, I'll make a reflex save."
DM:"If you crit-..." *I roll nat 1* "... fail."

2013-04-30, 06:27 PM
"Can I hear his background music?"

2013-04-30, 06:52 PM
"Guys, I think we have a naked historian running around, here."

2013-04-30, 06:54 PM
"How did I do that? I am a Wizard, Harry."

"That should not fit."

"I don't always roll a 1, but when I do, it's a on a knowledge check I can't fail."

Baron Faey
2013-04-30, 07:11 PM
"I put my left arm in his pants pocket and sneakily walk away from him"

"So we all disguise ourselves as handsome young elvish men and knock on her door"

"I'm not an imposter, I'm your long lost twin brother from one town over. My name is Mayor."

"I put the dragon under my cloak, and back away from the circle of dwarven men. Still singing"

2013-04-30, 07:37 PM
"So can I use my tuba as an improvised howitzer to, yunno-- to hurl objects out of it? 'Cos if I can, I've got a--"

"Nah, the logistics for that would be too complicated."

A Tad Insane
2013-04-30, 08:50 PM
"Congrats, you've turned every mouse into c4"
"Roll for the number of gebils that eat you"
"If we leave it, some Arthur wannabe will come and turn into zombie darth vader!"

2013-04-30, 10:36 PM
"You want me to stat out a brain-drilling machine so you can interrogate the prisoner? You do know you're the good guys, right?"

"Let's see, you caused a being of pure light to be possessed by a shadow demon, you put a porn star in charge of the super-prison, and you nuked Times Square. I think that's a good place to call it for tonight."

"Looks like you failed your constipation check."

"Hang on, if he's not wearing pants, why did you let me roll a pick pocket check? Also, why is he not wearing pants?"

2013-05-01, 01:26 AM


2013-05-01, 09:19 AM
"I touch the door again"

"I pick him up and use him as a battering ram"

"Guys? We need another painting"

"Do mind flayers even have gender?"

"You forgot to close the door"

"These are not the prisoners you're looking for" <-NOT in Star Wars d20

"I light the ant corpse on fire"

"How did such a large centipede get in such a small room"

Party cleric: "I beat up the cleric to steal his robes"

2013-05-01, 12:58 PM
Sky-Weasels; half off. "they make great gifts!"*
*warning: may sting and/or bite, Havelbok is not responsible for any injuries resulting from gifting a sky-weasel

"Arrg! Forgot to close eyes!"

Slip took one last look in the mirror to make sure his eyes were where they were supposed to be.

he shows you a picture of a tall man with very long, lanky arms, small beady eyes, short hair, and a mustache reaching down to his chest.

"May you not burn horribly throughout our venture Mr. Alamix."

"I shall interupt... Wait... No. The phrase is: Excuse me, can I interrupt? Do you Good Si-- Good Ogre, know when great honor will be yours?"

"Thieves, dirty cucumber thieves..."
"Excuse me... what cucumber thieves?"
"You!, You poked me with a stick and knocked my cucumbers out of my hands"

As you try to wipe your arm off on Coli, you find yourself stuck to it by the sticky substance.

The pool bursts into a gout of flame, searing the ceiling and producing a loud roaring noise.

"Hi. You are threatening. I am not fond of this. Please desist. My aim is not very good at close range and I think I could hit either of you."

"The other Tribbles-kin did die to quick, as I forgot to not dead them"

"but smart, and made of wood"
"Isn't wood more flammable?"

"only found the singing lute man fortnight back"

"on the second time Tribbles see maker making the fleshy me"

"Golden?, Good and?.. Golem? one of those three"

"I am afraid I do not talk the talking of elves, more than enough to know I can not. I ancay alktay ehtay alkingtay foay iggishpay oweverhay"

"The bag?, What bag?, The charred bag?, It was full of...weasels"

"as for me crew, I 'ave a saying they learn to know round here; If all 'ell breaks loose, swim for your life, or lock yourself in a box"

"the bag was full of flaming crabs!, I'd thought they'd cook themselves!"

"678? How ya' been!..No time for that though, how 'bout you call back later?, I'm scrying on those humanoids I hired to get me that vampire, they seem to have lost it, and are now going on about the issue with strangers"
"Which humanoids?"
"Ya know, those ones on the boat?, remember That old guy? Stabby I think it was?, Loved that guy's jokes"

"Well.. this is bothersome.. I'll be back in a moment minion. Cheerio!"

2013-05-01, 05:05 PM
"I summon a giant squid!"
"You do what?"

"Can I summon the squid inside the water elemental?"

"I would like to swallow the water elemental."
"So I won't burn myself when I swallow the demon."

"I's like Pepdo Bismo!"

"I fly into the room and moon the hellfire wyren."

2013-05-01, 05:16 PM
"I summon a giant squid!"
"You do what?"

"Can I summon the squid inside the water elemental?"

This is why the rule exists, which I lovingly call the "can't-summon-a-fish-out-of-water" rule. The one which prevents you from dropping summoned whales and bears on people. Of course, you can still do that, it just takes a little planning, is all.

2013-05-01, 08:39 PM
"Well the book says a -8 Penalty is 'nearly impossible' but we are so damn far beyond that..."

"Guys...I think that's a nanoswarm. It's eating the fusion reactor."
"Well b###s."

2013-05-01, 11:36 PM
"DMs drive a fiat."

2013-05-02, 01:57 AM
"Why in the Nine Hells do you have an Immovable Rod hidden under your bed?

"Halt! Who goes there?
Umm... Us?
Ahhh... Friend or Foe?
Depends? On what?
Got any hookers?"

"Why does that lion have marinara sauce all over it's maw?
Haven't you ever heard of a Bolognese Lion before?"

"Mental not: Proximity mine diaphragms... Not as cool as they sounded in my head."

"Okay... Who put the stim-patch on the Mage?"


"I push the Sorcerer through."

"I touch the mains cable to the Trolls chest.
Ahhh... Do you think that's a good idea?
Don't know, but I do it anyway."

2013-05-02, 02:49 AM
"I suck it back out."

"You realize the only difference between him and you is that he succeeded first?"

"I take a dump in that skull."

2013-05-02, 04:08 AM
"Why is everyone on this continent so Bloody THICK? It's like we're dealing with Bud "Thicky" McThick of number one Thickhead road, Thickville, Thickborough County, Thicksylvania, People's Republic of Whale Omelette".

"Don't worry. I'm sure that was a very evil earthworm"

2013-05-02, 04:25 AM
"Why is everyone on this continent so Bloody THICK? It's like we're dealing with Bud "Thicky" McThick of number one Thickhead road, Thickville, Thickborough County, Thicksylvania, People's Republic of Whale Omlette".

"Don't worry. I'm sure that was a very evil earthworm"

"Poor Jim."

2013-05-02, 06:35 AM
"Mother nature? Is that you?...You've really let yourself go."

2013-05-02, 09:21 AM
"Excellent use of squirrell"
"You walk in on a bathing princess one time, ONE TIME! And they never let you go anywhere alone again!"

2013-05-02, 09:53 AM
"Honey we've got surprise(uninvited) guests, wheel out the orphanage grade meat."

2013-05-02, 10:31 AM
"Will you PLEASE stop exploding your damage dice?"

"Your damage exploded four times, and his Toughness Bonus is just 6. Dead? You're wearing him like an upside-down Ventriloquist's puppet. I hope you're happy with yourself."

GM: "Oh God! Why are you doing this to him!? What'd he do to you to deserve this!?"

*In an exasperated tone:* "Look, you've just burned half the city and killed almost everyone involved!"
"What's that? "Try harder next time", is that what I'm hearing?"

2013-05-02, 11:59 AM
"If you frost giants had standards we wouldn't need half giants."

2013-05-02, 12:06 PM
"You open it and find... a dead hooker."

"Ok so I'll jump of the train, you throw me the feather token before I hit the water."

"I ignore his damage reduction... and his hardness..."

"You'd be very greasy, on fire, and kind of shocked."

"Alright lets go tie some people up!"

"Druids are made of the hardest material in the world!"

"I want a ten foot pole"

"dont talk to me, im a wall"

"We're off to see the wizard! Come on you whores!"

"I will include a diagram of my Rod of Lordly Might"

"I'm built for putting things into people."

"Cairo. Six kilometers."

"I ruminate on the American nightmare."

"Why don't we just fence off part of the city as a ghetto death camp?"

"What's the DC to break my sword in half over my knee?"

Last one deserves minor context:


2013-05-02, 12:47 PM
A: Take these slaves back to my realm, for my own personal pleasure.
S: I'll never give you pleasure!

DM: You can always spot Talen from a distance because of his funny walk, caused by his enormous brass balls.

A: Hey guys, I made some din...AAAAH! It's The Orchid!
A: Hey guys, I made some des...AAAAH! It's Zarephath!

P: Zere you go. You destroyed my Volvo, I give you my Fritos.

G: We're in like Flynn!
S: Who is this...Flynn?

N: If our powers don't save us, I doubt rope will.

N: ...and that, my friends, is why we might fight. Not for ourselves, but for each other, and the future we wish to make possible.
V: You're all a bunch of brain-dead hicks!

R: These beds were made with ghostly samurai precision.

G: It's scum like you that make this city a terrible place to live!
E: Here's your bribe, sir.
G: Thank you.

2013-05-02, 03:21 PM
"Stairs are now heresy. Anyone caught using stairs will be executed as a heretic"

2013-05-02, 03:46 PM
"OK I roll a 15, Jim what is it?"

"So I'm going to use the rocket launcher to swim across the lake."

"Realism aside, this is D&D."

"Tremere has deemed your chantry unworthy!"

"He doesn't seem to understand. Hand him another pamphlet."

2013-05-02, 03:49 PM
"I'm selling my cookies"
"Are you saying your a whore?"
"... Yes"

"I'm sorry for the trouble, she's my daughter, and she is slightly insane"
"... but you're an ELF, and she is a HUMAN"
"I mean to say we are both a little insane, and she's adopted"

2013-05-02, 04:33 PM
"...but I don't envision her afflicted with the fantasy equivalent of [tourette's] syndrome; nor running around with a butterfly net trying to capture invisible imps all the time."

2013-05-04, 04:22 AM
"You don't have to tear off his pants, we have the weird powder!"

2013-05-04, 05:04 AM
Player: "I ask him for something to drink. I do NOT think about burning his house!"

2013-05-04, 07:36 AM
"You don't have to tear off his pants, we have the weird powder!"

...You sure you weren't already under the influence of weird powder?

2013-05-04, 05:11 PM
From todays session:

PC 1: "Now, would you kindly smoke hallucogenic substances until you forget you ever saw us?"
NPC: "I'd love to!"
*NPC passes out.*
PC 2: "This is clearly superior to our stun guns. Lets get more drugs!"

"You persuaded him to sell you highly illegal poisons we don't need for money we don't have in quantities that could make a hundered people die in slow agony. Why?"
"It seemed fitting at the time."
"Did you at least ask him for directions to our contact?"
"No, I was busy buying poisons."

2013-05-04, 11:52 PM
"Are Dire Sharks friendly?"
"I don't know. Why don't you go ask them?"

2013-05-05, 02:47 AM
"Yeah, we're going full Dr. Marcoh at this point."

Jeff the Green
2013-05-05, 06:50 PM
I found a couple more going through old PbP threads looking for information.

"The phrase 'full frontal assault' is rarely preceeded by the word 'bloodless.'"

"Hey, Miri. I know you're not one for playing medic, but I annoyed a seven-foot weasel earlier, and if you've got something for blood loss, I'd really appreciate it..."

"Barovia has many evils. It is like the dead carcass of an elk: the wolves that killed eat from it; a bear comes along and has his fill; the vultures, fox, and ravens each take a few mouthfuls; and finally the remnants are eaten by maggots. Except with Barovia it never ends."

"You enjoy a thoroughly dull vision of Madam Eva waking from a nap, eating a roast duck with potatoes, and touching up her makeup. The latter seems somewhat curious because she hasn't really bothered to cover up her liver spots, pluck her mustache, or in any way make herself anything but hideous."

2013-05-06, 10:49 AM
A bit of context required to make it clear why this one is odd, I was alone at the moment.

"I split up."

Other strokes of insanityf:

"I bite my hand"

"Whats the point of killing it if we cant eat it?"

"No, I AM the tooth fairy."

"Note to self, attempting to control intelligent items by counter-balancing them with even more intelligent items can and will backfire."

"This was a bit more explosive then I imagined"
And a moment later "Did we just make an explosion big enough to tear through planes?"

(scary part, they all made perfect sense within context)

2013-05-06, 03:40 PM
Fine, I'm leaving! But before I go, I take the doormat!
I set his doormat on fire. Is he watching?

2013-05-06, 10:34 PM
Hey dragon! Go for the egg sacs!

Eels aren't made of steel, are they? Actually, what are eels made of?

Hey, guys, if you get the chance I could use a little help over here. I don't necessarily have a problem with dying, as long as it's for a good reason. "Eaten by giant spider-squid love child" is not a good reason.

Aw what a cute little demon fish!

Sounds like a plan. Follow along then, and I'll catch up with you.

There is no less mind explosion version. The only possible value for mind explosion is "all of it."

He can obviously get to where we were going anyway. He can tell us where we've been when he gets to where we've followed him to.

So I just start sleeping with everyone and we can start playing?

You have a mouth!?



Hello. I don't believe we've met. I don't say this to every girl I meet, but please don't kill me.


Eh? We're all flying. Well, not actively flying the ship, but we're being flown by the flyer of the flying ship which is the same thing really.

Point me toward the cakes. Then commence feeding them to me.

If you could clean up after yourself that would be helpful.
...Are those my lungs? WHAT ARE MY LUNGS DOING ON THE FLOOR?!

2013-05-08, 08:13 AM
"Sir, we've been attacked by soldiers in Emerald Claw uniform."
"Are we sure it actually was the Emerald Claw?"
"A skeletal naga chewed off the face of our ogre."
"... I take that as a yes."

"Weapons on the floor, boys, girls, and aberrant stained-glass windows."

PC1: "Sounds like perhaps PC2 will finally meet a nice lass to settle down with. Don't get too excited now, friend. We've still got a mission to complete."
PC2: "Tentacles again?" A groan made PC2's displeasure quite clear.

"You look like a loaf of butter left out in the sun."

"I am certain you would find me most disagreeable as merchandise."

How the hell does something made from living crystal even MANAGE to grimace?

"I wanted to reach out before things got out of hand, seeing as we have all been hired to do a job together. I understand you have certain urges to mate with PC1, but I do not believe he feels the same way in return. Better that you should know now lest your feelings fester unrequited. Will you be able to manage? If dwarves are your mates of choice however, there was a rather dandy one who approached us earlier. Perhaps he will be more interested in your overtures. Oh...also, PC1 here was just attempting a song in my honor...however it would seem he is in need of your expert bardic tutoring. Simple schemes aside he could really use some assistance with staying in a single key. Would you be willing? It might smooth things over between you two..."

You know, sometimes I forget you're not a real boy. Hasn't PC1 given you the talk about the birds and bees yet?

I believe he wanted to sell my body, though assuredly not for buggery.

"Hmmm. Why don't you go get dressed, PC1. Your muscles are very impressive, but that village girl isn't here, PC2 is the wrong species, and I'm too old for you."

"Please tell me you mean you'll snipe at the ones we just fought, and not at their wives and grandparents."
"Don't be silly, why would I waste arrows on people who can't fight back?"

2013-05-08, 10:28 PM
"I nuke the Cthulhus"

"Ok. The Cthulhus are now radioactive."

"I punch the radioactive Cthulhus"

2013-05-09, 08:57 AM
1. "Mooooooooooooooooooo!"

2. "I DIDN'T DO IT!" *Passes out*

3. "Is the body still warm?"

2013-05-10, 01:22 PM
"Why do you want to kill me? Is it because I pinged on your Detect Evil? Well, you pinged on my Detect Good, and I'm not making a deal out of it."

2013-05-12, 04:22 AM
"Alright, I spin like a top and fly up the dragon's ass."

"Why couldn't I tame it!? I have a bonus of 30 to Handle Animal and I rolled a natural 20!"
"The whale was illusionary."
"...You ass..."

"No, Bubbles 1 through 9! Bubbles 10 through 20 will avenge you!"

"You wake up laying on top of the giant alligator, bleeding from your ass."

"The nymph is now dry-humping you."


"You see a janitor."

"Why is there a donkey on the space station?"

2013-05-12, 04:41 AM
"Warning ship self-destruction in 2 minutes 37 seconds"

2013-05-12, 11:06 AM
Note: all of these are from a 3.5 campaign

"I activate my rocket boots and swing my mace at the giant mechanical centipede"

"roll for gallons"

"4000 feet of rope please, good sir"

"What do i have to roll to incorporate a barrel roll into this kidnapping?"

"i store the armor in my butt cavity"

"I chase the flying homeless man, yelling that i need his boots"

"I send my mount to attack the god"

"Your ship now is riddled with holes from the nitroglycerin"

"I offer up my first-eddition-signed-by-author version of the bible as collateral"

"You see a greater demon enter the room through the portal"
"I try to convert him to the ways of the lightbringer"
"ok, you can try, but i don't thin-"
"Nat 20"

Marcus Amakar
2013-05-12, 12:17 PM
"It was only an avalanche"

"To be honest, I'd feel better if this was attempting to kill us."

2013-05-12, 12:43 PM
"So what phallus is for lunch today"

Gm "Tonight's dinner is hotdogs"
PC-1 "Again with the Phallus's"
PC-2 "Everything is Phallus's to you"

"Its ratatouille, how is it phallic!"

"These poor cooks they don't mean to do it just happens"

"So sorry that you guys want to have a emotional scene and plot keeps happening."

"I think we are having issues with the flux capacitor, captain"
"There goblins trapped in a extra-dimensional cave. How do they know what either of those things are"

"Your really going to call the psychotic mad man to hunt a demon bear for you?"
"What could go wrong?"

"Well time to invade the slender realm"

"You should avoid the fight."
"I can throw tree's"
"Yeah but you should avoid the fight"

"So Steelhammer is body 8. And the teenage girl in the other gave is body 9?"
"Yeah and there played by the same guy"

Man on Fire
2013-05-12, 12:45 PM
"You think everybody wants to get kicked in the face by you!"

"There are more Elves that Dwarfs in this Dwarven City!"

"That will be three inns and one village."
"Don't forget the casino!"

"I destroyed one city, I saved one city, now it's time for destroying."

"Don't touch anything until we get there."
"I throw a bomb into the room."

2013-05-12, 08:10 PM
"Deus Ex Felandria"

2013-05-13, 01:44 AM
"The less you get whacked in the head with trees, the better."

"Didn't you expect me to marry one of them?"

"Start when you're five years old."

"He's a man of honour!"
"Well, a man of action, anyway."

2013-05-15, 07:49 AM

I try to seduce his sister! "Which of the twelve sisters do you go for? edna,alda,ignolia,marge,grethe,hann,linda,grogina, ...."
which is the hottest one? "well since they're all about a 5-6, i'd say edna or alda"
I approach Edna then
"5-6 in the dwarf scale that is ofcourse"
damn beer googles...


"I run into the dark room!"

2013-05-15, 08:43 AM
"Subtle isn't really my thing."

"Going in fireballs blazing isn't really my thing."

"Staying awake all night just to guard you uneducated chumps isn't really my thing."

"That. That right there. That is now my thing."

"Oh, that eye? It was just bothering me, the damned thing."

"Oh, sure, make the wizard do it. That's fine, then, you can walk home."

Jay R
2013-05-15, 10:10 AM
"Love is one of the strongest and most mysterious forces of the universe. Of course, controlling arcane cosmic forces is what wizards do. Maybe we should research a spell for it?"


Female paladin: Turn your back while I change.
2E elven mage/thief: Are you kidding? I can move silently, I can turn invisible, and I can see in the dark. Anything I wanted to see, I've already seen.


BBEG: You? You're the great heroes who are going to stop me?
PC: Nope. We're those meddling kids that you'd have gotten away with it if not for.

2013-05-15, 04:06 PM
Me: It is now time for the unveiling!! (/drops trou in the middle of a theater of vampires)
ST: (/rolls dice) You are met with cheers and applause. o__O
... and a woman hops over two rows of seats, uppercuts you and steals your pants. She's fast.
Me: Well... that went better than expected.

Me: Fireball on my location!
Sorceress: What? Are you sure?
Me: I can take it, and he's vulnerable!!
Me: /sizzles crispily at -11 hp

P1: Ahahahaaha... this pocket realm is now under my complete control!
P2: (/smacks lips dryly) ... yep... no more drugs for you, kiddo.

DM: Okay, you're a turnip now. Sucks to be you.

P1: Seriously, you are an elfist.
P2: It's not my fault you elves keep sucking.

2013-05-15, 04:37 PM
"Does anyone here have any skills relating to poisons?"
"I have Professional Skill: Royalty, does that cover it?"

2013-05-15, 10:31 PM
"Okay, let's cut to the chase, do you have any more money to give us?"

"Oh great, a quest for the church..."

"If I'm not a paladin how did I get this paladin armor?"
"Well, I know you're not a paladin so that's a good question..."

2013-05-16, 01:44 AM
"So, what you're saying, and what will probably never be said again by anyone, is that the giant dragon has to hurt the grey render's feelings."

"I am seeking challenges, and have heard that your group tends to attract all sorts of unusual happenings."
"I'd say your own presence here lends credence to that theory."

2013-05-16, 07:04 AM
"I now pronounce you, Princess Optimus Prime of Equestria!"

"I didn't know diamond dogs were shriners."

"Remember that my top three prefered stats are Strength, Mayonaise, and Charisma."

2013-05-16, 08:32 AM
"I'm the [expletive deleted] Martha Stewart of goblins!"

Morbis Meh
2013-05-16, 09:02 AM
"Mike's Nipples are gone..."

Hunter Noventa
2013-05-16, 01:13 PM
"All right, I open the door."
"You are attacked by ferrets."

"I open the hatch."
"You are attacked by space ferrets. But they are of no use against your powered armor."

"And when ye throw a stick at a seagull, YE EXPECT RESULTS!"

2013-05-16, 01:39 PM
Me: "So you enjoy your, reward?"
Female party member: "He was… Amazing."
Me: "I should hope so, I hear he can do origami with it."

2013-05-18, 09:17 AM
"Have you come up with a name for your character yet?"
"So the rest of you see a halfling named Nope walk toward the king"

"Hey, I'm neutral good!"

"Everyone who loves you is wrong."

"Tally the hoe!"

"Have at me!"

"Seven. Seven words! First word is? Lizard? Tasty lizard? Delicious lizard? Lizard stew? Licking Lizard? Wait is that closer? Lick Lizard, Lick Lizard... Lizard lick? Lizardlick! Ok right, next word. Spear? Attack? Throwing. No, you're going onto the next thing then... oh. Oh my." Squeeb looks abashed as the mute starts to move his pelvis forward and back. "I think I know what that is there, Khuraargh yes, thank you. And then a baby? You wanna go bang bang with a baby? That's disgusting! No you shouldn't be celebratin' when someone does that to a baby!"

"It'll be a grand adventure, filled with... adventure!"

"We got adventuring! No time for baths."

"Hey monsters! You're ugly and mean and no one likes you."

"Evil *huff* witch. I... Sir Squeeb... *huff, wooh*... have come to smite you with my mighty blade," still panting from his run across the bog Squeeb rested his hands on his knees and coughed before shaking his head and waving his sword in a manner he hoped looked threatening, but really just looked kind of sad. "For the honor... of my leech... and the Licktoads!" Which he punctuated with another of those sword waves he seemed so fond of.

Panting one more time he stood up as straight as his scrawny form could go. "Ok, I'm ready now."

Gideon Falcon
2013-05-18, 05:07 PM
"I didn't realize spellcasting had recoil."

"It was supposed a non-combat encounter. You burned down half the town."

"Okay, the clocktower turns into a giant mechanical bear."
"With a fez!"
"With a fez."

"No seriously, the town has a law which states that it's always [PC]'s fault."

"Animated Lunchmeats."

"I take Sean Connery form."

2013-05-19, 03:14 AM
"Stand back. I got this!"

"Now that you have fallen into my trap and will soon be dead, I will answer any one question you have, as a sign of my respect for you as adversaries."

"Just one?" :smallsigh:

2013-05-19, 03:21 AM
"Too late Heroes! I have already taken the hostage's virginity!"

"I use Baleful Polymorph to turn it into a dog!"
"I kick the dog."

"What are you doing here?"
"Um...I got lost looking for the bathroom?"
"Ok, fair enough."

"Spit that out, you don't know where that's been."
"Hey! I resent that!"

"Must you try to sleep with EVERY GIRL we come across?"
"Yes, why?"

The Fury
2013-05-19, 03:38 AM
PC: "I need some antitoxin."

Shopkeep: "Antitoxin? I don't have any of that. I got some antimatter."

PC: "How much is it?"

Shopkeep: "A million gold pieces."

PC: "Oh... I don't have that much."

Shopkeep: "Oh, I'll just let ya have it 'cuz I like you."

PC: "OK, I drink it."

DM: "OK, roll a Fortitude save."

PC: *rolls* "...I got a thirty--"

DM: "You blow up!"

2013-05-20, 07:50 AM
It's a MEXICAN turtle!

2013-05-20, 01:33 PM
"It's Neil Diamond! He'll save us!"

"I run up to him and kick him in the nuts! I roll a... NATURAL 20, HELL YEAH! THEY EXPLODE LIKE GRAPES!"

The Fury
2013-05-20, 05:55 PM
"Hey Tony... I BLOW UP THE DOOR!"

"I turned one of the little beholders into a hat. His name is Ted."

2013-05-20, 07:02 PM
"I signed up to rebuild civilization, not to fight a forest full of Draculas!"

2013-05-20, 07:26 PM
"I pet the celestial puppy." (This became the euphemism for 'self love'.)

2013-05-20, 07:49 PM
Player 1: What does it taste like?
DM: A fort save.

DM: As the illusion fades, you hear the paranoid pyromaniac Russian running back to his Batcave, screaming in agony. [Player 2] (the Cuban)'s axe is on the ground where the Russian was, and you can see blood trailing down the cave in the direction of the Russian's screaming. All of that fades into insignificance as you see one of the aliens you've been fighting charge towards you.
Player 1: I strangle the Cuban.

Player 2: But I have Partial Immunity to alcohol!

Player 3: Wait, so Slenderman isn't actually there.
DM: Oh no, you can still see nothing but Slenderman getting bologna tossed at him by the Cuban inside the gas station.
Player 3: Ok good.

2013-05-21, 01:21 AM
"What else was I going to do? Talk to badgers at them?"

2013-05-21, 02:47 AM
DM: Okay, so you all walk into the room waist deep in poo.
Halfing: Ummm... Waist deep to who, exactly?
DM: The half-orc.
Half-orc: Heh, halfling HEAD deep in poo...
Dwarf: Reminds me of home.

Jay R
2013-05-21, 09:40 AM
DM: A Balrog appears in front of you.
Don: I kill it. We keep running down the hall between the two sides of the Balrog. (Throws two dice down the table. They come to rest in front of the DM.)
DM: Yeah, right. (Looks at dice.) Ummm ... you keep running down the hall between the two sides of the Balrog.

(Yes, "Balrog". this was a long time ago, in OD&D.)

2013-05-21, 06:09 PM
Prof. Hammerhome: "You see these Jugs? I want you to drink from them!"
Class: "..."
Prof. Hammerhome: "...By using a cup!"
Class: "..."
Prof. Hammerhome: "Like this goblet!"

"Would you stop referring to the murderous, creepy villein as 'Sexy Man-Meat'?"

"Hello Class, my name is..."
[insert chatter here]
"Please stop talking...."
[chatter continues]
"Um...hey...I was saying I'm..."
[more chatter]

"We're going to Hell!"
"What? Again?"

"so, when are we going back to hell?"

"We fought a TARESQUE?"

2013-05-22, 04:38 AM
"I wave, invisibly."

2013-05-22, 09:39 AM
"I smite the corn elemental."

"How many hit points does a tree have?"

"How many more people do we have to assassinate before anyone notices us?" (Note: That last one wasn't sarcasm. It was completely serious, and delivered in a neutral tone.)

"So I get how the rats can fit through the walls, but how do they fit through the stoves?"

A Tad Insane
2013-05-22, 02:19 PM
"I am death, destroyer of gnomes, wielder of the dread rubber chicken, and master of salmon. I have destroyed entire empires with laser rats, murdered kings with limmericks, and beat a dragon at the cinnimon challenge. I've done all this, and more, and you think a +6 great sword will stop me?"

"I summon the cat"
"I turn evil for punching a baby, yet the paladin can do that?!"

"Lutes OP"

2013-05-22, 02:40 PM
"Let me guess: it's an arrangement of quonset huts painted 'who gives a **** green.'"

2013-05-22, 03:10 PM
"Druid school was too hard, and oddly enough too expensive. On that note, by some magic I am unhungover. Woo!"

"Anyone want to poke the glowy?"

"Ok, so I was thinking about how maybe we could use spectroscopy to figure out what pale fire's made of. I was thinking, maybe we could light someone on fire, look at it with a primitive spectroscope, then subtract the colors standard to a normal burning human. Then it occurred to me, and it's just too perfect not to be true: pale fire is people! Bwahahaha, ultimate plot twist!"

"Just remember this fire safety tip! When setting something on fire, first know how to put it out. Doomy the Wombat says only you can kill the party and then have a new one made who's first mission is to put out said fire of first party made."

"Is some sort of pitfall going to happen to them out of some long-standing imagined slight? Will their characters get eaten? Will their character sheets get eaten? Will you force them to eat their own character sheets? Oh the humanity! And the gnomeity. Not the elfity though, they are totally down with eating paper."

Henry the 57th
2013-05-22, 06:23 PM
"Why are we slathering ourselves in plum pudding again?"

Jeff the Green
2013-05-23, 07:52 AM
Here's one that just came up in my PbP game:

DM: You're able to find a rabbit warren nearby and wake them up. After they finish chewing you out for disturbing their rest, they inform you that a thoroughly disheveled looking human passed by recently. He or she (they don't see that human men and women are all that different) said something to him- or herself and headed into the woods. They imply that he or she was incredibly stupid for doing so, and ask that you leave so they can get their kits to sleep. Oh, and by the way, do you have any carrots? This fall has been a rubbish season for root vegetables and they're tired of herbs.

2013-05-23, 10:03 AM
"I heal the lamp."

"Well at least I didn't flunk warmage school!"

"You're not really silenced ***hole!"

"I don't always throw swords, but when I do, I use falchions!"

2013-05-23, 06:51 PM
Gm: "I'll describe that fodder so hard, just you wait."

Big Fau
2013-05-23, 07:30 PM
Warlock: "I got my ass handed to me by a swimming pool."

One Step Two
2013-05-23, 11:00 PM
PC1: I am going to challenge the King's Daughter to a duel!
PC2: I am going to spread a rumour that the duel is to win her hand in marriage.
PC1: Why must you always do these things to me?

PC1: You're in chains, what could you possibly do?
PC2: I have a plan.
PC3: What plan?
PC2: I am going to Jack Sparrow my way inside, and convince the twin sibling guard captains that they are really in love with one-another, and need to flee to somewhere more accepting of their love than this city.
DM: But... they aren't in love.
PC2: A minor detail.

2013-05-24, 12:08 AM
NPC: "Helo, my name is Jorjejuanlopezvelasqueszfernandoarribagonzalezhomb redelamanchadon..."
player "now that's a long name"
NPC: "...quehotecortezdejuancarlosellocodequesodesumadre el exploriador"

"I shoot him with all seven barrels"

"I light the fuse, then roll the keg down the hill"

GM: "Captain Barrett's head is removed by a cannonball, you witness the mainmaist fall off to starboard, it tears the legs of an unfortunate sailor, the ship is going down, and its going down quickly"
Player: "I run to the nearest life boat shooting at whoever is inside, then as I push off, I throw my torch at the nearest keg of powder."
GM: "these are your men!"
Player: "I'm changing sides"

Player: "I walk up to the drunken highlanders, get the largest one's attention, and insult his mother"

player: "that settles it, from now on his name is Wreck it Jorjito"

player: " 100 caliber you say?"
DM: "Yes"
player: " I pick it up, I hug it, I cuddle it, I even lick it a little, then I load it, take out my bowie knife, and carve Vera onto the stock"

" a prison guard flies past, narrowly missing your head"


Player One :"What was the ONE thing the guard captain asked of us? I leave you alone for five minutes and what do you do? Half the city's on fire!"
Player Two: "We saved the other half for you"

"Vladimir Vodkovskovitch, in the name of His majesty the Emperor, you are herby arrested for crimes including but not limited to: Murder, Arson, Grand theft Equine, Conspiracy to commit murder, Larceny, High Treason, Piracy on the high seas, Conspiracy to commit treason, Breaking out of prison, Breaking into prison, petty theft, Usury, Low treason, Blasphemy, Piracy on the low seas, tax evasion, poaching, burglary, robbery, banditry, Coitus Interruptus, impersonating an officer, and public urination."

"We should stop to rearm, I've only got four axes left"

"I drink the rum, dump the moonshine on the floor, drop my torch, and call it a night"

Amidus Drexel
2013-05-24, 03:05 PM
"You will not cooperate? Bony, make a larger door in the front of the store."

"Technically, I never broke any promises. I just neglected to promise not to kill him."

"We just killed a dragon, we don't have time to explain string theory!"

2013-05-24, 03:28 PM
"Okay, Pyrokinetic Immunity is still active right?"
"Good, I use Pyrokinesis on my clothes."

"But you've dealt with fire and knives all the time in your movies!"
"Yeah, IN MY MOVIES. Do YOU see EMTs and firemen nearby?"

"Um... did anyone get our stuff out of the trunk?"

"I hang up... then I roll for lunacy."

"News ninjas!"

(Out of character) "So I have no idea where I am right now."
(In character) *raises hand* "TAXI!"

2013-05-26, 01:36 PM
"You come across a 50ft shaft."

"No, your darkvision does not penetrate it."

"It was a good idea to leave the rope there, because climbing up the shaft would be difficult."

"We're not going to f**k it, we're going to rob it."

"You're looking a little whiter there, white boy."

"In infernal, again: 'Bathroom'."

"Scimitar go down the hoooole."

"I could fork it away form him."
"How do you fork?"

"I'm getting s**t about diseases from a prostitute?"

"You know the saying: the road to hell is paved with good intentions."
"Didn't we just go do hell?"

"Where do we keep the body...probably in the church?"

"I also want to play around with the finger bone."
"You mean the knuckle bone, right?"

2013-05-26, 08:57 PM
I don't think hitting things makes them not explode

Didn't he say the suit was bobby-trapped?

Whose the guy your torturing

Zylle symbiote. Rylle parasite.

Tar Palantir
2013-05-27, 12:26 AM
"I'm like Doctor Seuss, but with murder."
"So, Doctor Seuss, then."

2013-05-27, 01:18 AM
"Word of advice: Lonely adventuring women looking for a big strong man to sweep them off their feet only exist in Copper Dreadfuls."

2013-05-27, 01:24 AM
"A doorway in front of you opens and an elderly Priest hobbles out"
"I clothesline him!"

Jay R
2013-05-27, 08:59 PM
"We search the body."
"What's in his hands?"
"What's in his pockets?"
"What's in his stomach?"

Ursus the Grim
2013-05-27, 09:01 PM
"You find the elven cultist's whip."
"Oh myyyyyy."

2013-05-27, 09:09 PM
"By what standard does a few kilometer long dragon qualify as only?"

2013-05-27, 11:01 PM
"Than I put the bear trap in the clown's pillowcase."

"Could I put holy water in a super soaker"

"Don't worry I'll just use the hat of disguise so I can stay au natural"

"Yes but what of the hookers"

"Lets just use the laser scalpel to cut through the ceiling"

"Do it like the celts" (same session as the laser scalpels nothing to do with each other)


"Oh good I'm on fire now I should be fine"

"You get a 12,000 on the urinal video game"

"A hole through a tree?!"

"I burn the painting that should get them free"

"I may not be a warrior but I am a lumberjack."

"Ok I send the monkeys at the dragon."

"Stealth check to clean my pants" (Got a twenty on that one)

"Yeah but what if I want to be a fatty"

Message me for context.

Oh wait I just remembered another one

"So after eating the second monkey I try to befriend the baby."

"I hit the dragon with my axe, I light the grease beneath it to burn it. I tie up it's mouth and call it a day."

"Wow I just killed a adamantine golem with a straw hat."

"It's called a restraining order, it doesn't mean you must restrain me."

"Yeah well my foot was stuck in a toilet for the last two months and I couldn't kill myself."

"What'dya mean I'm deaf. What? What? What?"(Took him a bit to figure it out.)

"Ok now that they're killing children we should get involved."

"Can we bring the zombie along as a friend."

The Fury
2013-05-29, 08:15 PM
PC1: "Aren't you cold?"

PC2: "No I'm fine."

PC3: "Why would he be cold? He's not really a snake person you know."

PC1: "Yeah, I know that. He is naked though."

PC3: "What? No he's not! That would be ridiculous!"

PC2: *impish grin* "Yeah, actually I am."

PC3: "*sigh.*"

2013-05-29, 09:05 PM
"I investigate the hissing."

2013-05-30, 06:41 AM
"I'm not sure what kind of relationship Freya and I have, but do note that polymorph is off the table."

Hunter Noventa
2013-05-30, 10:07 AM
Player: Okay, I roll diplomacy to gain the support of the princess.
GM: Your roll moves her from friendly to prone.

2013-05-30, 12:01 PM
"I'm gonna need you to dislocate your own shoulder" *Pulls out a meat cleaver*