D&d Jokes you know...: What do you call a vampire goblin?

[CyberThread]

The Hemo Goblin



just tell your best d&d jokes you got :P

[Magnera]

Two humans walked into a bar, the kobold walked under it.

Three dragons walk into a bar, there were no survivors.

Gazebo hits you for gazebo damage.

[gurgleflep]

An orc's charisma score. :smallbiggrin: That was bad, I'm sorry.

[RunicLGB]

What do Dwarfs call their Lockpicks?
Adamantine Warhammers!

Also, This (http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/dd/20060113a).

[gorfnab]

Why did the Fey cross the road?
To get to the other Sidhe.

[Azoth]

How many Dwarves does it take to screw in a lantern?
13. 1 To hold the lantern, and 12 to drink until the room spins.

Due to their lack of masculine qualities, and inability to grow facial hair most believe their are no elfen men...and their right!

Hey leave the Half Elf alone! It isn't his fault...he is only half a man to begin with.

[KillingAScarab]

If you spoke with every person on the planet and asked, "What is beauty?" each of them could give you a different definition. It might seem as though there are as many types of beauty as there are observers. But a person who plays D&D will tell you there are only 11 kinds of beauty. Why 11?

Because beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

[Keneth]

Why did the Fey cross the road?
To get to the other Sidhe.

But... it's not pronounced that way. :smallannoyed:

[ShadowFireLance]

Question: What do you call a ranger with no animal companion?
A virgin!

Jesus saves.

Everyone else takes full damage.

Q: Where are you when a demon pushes you up against a wall?

A: Between a vrock and hard place.

"We killed the dragon! We killed the Dragon! We ... we're never going to have girlfriends, are we?"

A fighter, a cleric and a wizard have been lost in the dungeon for days. They are out of food, they are out of water and they are pretty beat up. Then one of them steps on a switch and they hear a bell ring. Suddenly every creature in the dungeon comes pouring down the hall at them. They rush into the room ahead and find a wishing stone with three wishes in it. Overjoyed the Wizard quickly says I wish I was back in my tower with all the books of magic from this cursed dungeon with me to study! Poof. The wizard is gone. The cleric hurries up and says I wish I was back in the temple with all the holy relics from this cursed dungeon with me to study! Poof, he is gone too. The fighter steps up and is torn, does he want to be home with all the magic armor from the dungeon, or all the magic weapons? Dang, he says, I can't make up my mind, I wish the wizard and cleric were here to help me decide....



There were three men who were lost in a jungle, a human, an elf and a halfling. They were captured by the local tribe of catfolk cannibals. The cannibal queen told the prisoners that they could live if they passed the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So the halfling, the human and the elf all went separate ways to gather fruits.

The elf came back and said to the queen, "I brought ten apples."

The queen then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.

The first apple went in... but on the second one, the elf winced in pain, so he was killed and went to the great beyond.

The human arrives with ten berries. When the queen explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... but on the ninth berry, the human burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The elf and the human met in the great beyond. The elf asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The human replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the halfling coming with pineapples."

Then a few minutes pass and the elf looks around, saying, "So why hasn't the halfling come to join us yet?"





I also dare anyone to make Dragon jokes. :smallamused: :smallannoyed:

[Ianuagonde]

How many party members does it take to screw in a a lightbulb?

All of them. Never split the party!

And one my dwarf fighter used succesfully to turn negotiations with orcs into a fight with orcs...

How many orcs does it take to shoe a horse?

Five. One to attach the horseshoes, four to lift the horse.

[hamishspence]

What does a D&D character wear when he goes golfing?

+4s.

[Elderand]

Relationship defined as spells

Dating : charm person
Marriage : hold person
Children : summon monster 1
Divorce: remove curse

[Andezzar]

What does a D&D character wear when he goes golfing?

+4s.I don't get it.

[Siosilvar]

I don't get it.
Spoiler for explaining the joke.Google: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plus_fours

Apparently it's a kind of short pants that's become associated with golfing. That would've been funnier if I'd got the joke beforehand.

[Rahdjan]

What's the difference between a bad DM and a pitbull?


You have a chance to reason with the pitbull

[VeisuItaTyhjyys]

But... it's not pronounced that way. :smallannoyed:

Well, yeah. Otherwise the joke wouldn't work when spoken aloud.

[Keneth]

Doesn't really work either way if you ask me. :smalltongue:

[BWR]

Well, yeah. Otherwise the joke wouldn't work when spoken aloud.

To get to the other shee?

Anyway.


Why are adventurers so popular?

Because they are a wandering party.


What sort of monster can you bring on a plane?

A carry-on crawler

[Slipperychicken]

Why was the intelligent mushroom accepted into the party?

Why not? He's a fun-gi.

Why are hit points so popular?

They're the life of the party.

What's the difference between a Goblin and a park bench?

The bench can support a family of four.

What do you call a homeless drummer Bard?

Single.

Everyone who makes an "eye of the Beholder" joke should sit in a corner and think about what he's done. Beholders were originally created to make that horrible, unfunny pun.

[VeisuItaTyhjyys]

Doesn't really work either way if you ask me. :smalltongue:

Haha, I was mostly making the joke that it's a purely visual pun.

[KillingAScarab]

Everyone who makes an "eye of the Beholder" joke should sit in a corner and think about what he's done. Beholders were originally created to make that horrible, unfunny pun.You let me have my beholder jokes, I let you have your myconid jokes. :smallwink:

[Xervous]

Dragon, (Drag-on) definition: What combat does every time the DM brings out a rarely used monster with tons of special abilities.

[Slipperychicken]

You let me have my beholder jokes, I let you have your myconid jokes. :smallwink:

Fair enough :smallbiggrin:

[Doorhandle]

A fighter, a rouge, a cleric and a wizard were all on a formerly-flying castle.
Regrettably, their were only 3 tokens of feather-fall among them, and both wizard and cleric had run out of spells in the hellish fight beforehand.

The rogue stole one and screamed "Gerenimo, mother****ers!" as he leapt to his fate.

The fighter was offered one and screamed "Please work please work PLEASE WORK-" as he leapt to his fate.

The cleric refused the last token, declaring that he would be with Pelor in the heavens. The wizard then said "I wouldn't worry about that...
The rouge took your holy symbol."

[Raven777]

What does the depressive Vampire say?

Sucks to be me.

[ShneekeyTheLost]

Did you hear about the guy who got out of taking secondary damage from a poison by talking to the GM about a previous experience?

He took an anecdote.

---

Upon seeing an elf, the barbarian of the party flew into a rage and cleaved him in twain.

Party Leader: Why did you just kill that elf?

Barbarian: Because I can't stand hybrid races

Party Leader: How is a pure-bred elf a hybrid race?

Barbarian: Well, he's a half-elf now, isn't he?

---

How did the Paladin avoid being harmed by the succubus he was being seduced by? He used Protection (from Evil)!

---

GM: Okay, you need to go and re-write your backstory.

Player: Is it due to the novel length?

GM: No, it's because you write worse D&D fiction than Ed Greenwood.

---

Player: I cast Charm Person

GM: Wait a second, didn't you specialize in Evocation and select Enchantment as a banned school? How can you do that?

Player: Well, I can evoke emotion, can't I?

---

GM: It appears to be a blue structure roughly the size and shape of an outhouse, albeit with a strange light atop

Player: Well, you know, nature calls... I'll go in

GM: As you enter the small structure, you enter a much larger room, perhaps thirty feet on a side, with a strange glowing apparatus in the middle

Most of the players, familiar with Dr. Who, groan obligingly. The player of the fellow who entered, however, was not a Dr Who fan and was unaware of the reference. Who then declares that he dashes back out and exclaims

Player: Hey! This is some swanky outhouse! They've got an extra-dimensional space and what looks to be a sphere of annihilation to take care of what you leave behind!

---

A Goblin Soulknife was described as 'a small green humanoid with a glowing, incandescent blade of pure energy'. To which the inevitable response:

YODA!

----

As the radius of an evocation spell increases, the number of awkward social situations it cannot resolve approaches zero.

---

Did you hear about the polymorph victim who got an extra limb? He called it his append-ix.

[KillingAScarab]

My favorite collection of D&D humor outside of Order of the Stick is probably the Speculative Netbook of 5e (http://blog.mostlyoriginal.net/2009/06/my-first-netbook.html). Assembled from many tweets (http://web.archive.org/web/20100405233446/http://www.allgeektout.com/2009/06/dnd-5e/) in the summer of 2009 with the idea that we can all hate 5th edition together. I have yet to even peek at what's going on with the real 5th edition being assembled, but considering it was Mike Mearls who suggested the edible power cards... :smallamused: