::Need Moar Colon: Let's Play: MLP: Crystal Princess: The Runaway Rainbow::

[D.KnightSpider]

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Are You a Brony?

Heck, no.

What? Why not?

Because I don't particularly like MLP.

HEATHEN! You love/hate MLP! DIAF!

I get that there are some people who really, really like MLP. Conversely, there are some people who are sick and tired of the MLP fad. I, personally, don't care either way. So long as you enjoy the show, more power to you.

That said, let's try to keep things civil, alright? No name calling. No cartoon bashing. And let's not assault each other for liking or not liking a bunch of rapidly moving pictures depicting talking Technicolor horsies and cuteness, m'kay?

Then why are you LPing this game?

Why do people climb Mount Everest? Because it's there.

No, seriously, why?

Quite honestly? Because I didn't know what else to LP. So I went and grabbed the most random thing that was available. That turned out to be MLP... And that's pretty much it.

How much audience participation will there be in this thread?

Next to none, really. This game is painfully linear and even more painful to play. So much so that I've saved us all some heartache, thrown myself on the fire, and already finished and screencapped the entire thing.

How dare you insult this game! It's MLP!

See my answer four questions ago.

Prologue: "See the world", they said...

"Well, now, Jane." Sherry remarked. "It appears that we have reached a satisfactory end to this little adventure."

The only response from Jane was a contented 'Mreow'. Such was expected, after all, what other reply would there come from a black cat? The feline released a throaty purr and then plopped herself next to her new caretaker.

Sherry turned her eyes over the area. The city of San Largo had taken a fine beating. Buildings had been torn asunder, upheaval had shredded the streets, and floodwaters still covered the land in parts, but the main threat had been exterminated. Her work here was done, and that was always a fine feeling.

She had returned hope to these people, and that was the extent of her mission's parameters. What the citizenry did with that hope from here was entirely their own business.

She raised a fine hand, brushed aside her dark locks, and tapped the silver Bluetooth that was residing in her ear.

"Call the Institute." Sherry instructed the little mechanical marvel.

Sherry turned her eyes over the nearby sunset, filling in the time between the call's initiation and transfer. She mentally counted out the buzzing pulses. It took five pulses before the other end of the line was activated and the call became live.

A smooth baritone voice addressed her. "Agent Polmes."

"Mr. Director." Sherry returned the curt greeting.

"Status report."

"The mission has been successfully completed. The vampire pirates have been eliminated, leadership for the survivors found, and their freedom restored."

"Excellent."

"They are also unaware of The Institutes' existence. So far as they know, I have come from nowhere and summarily vanished."

"That is the way that it is preferred." The Director replied. "Good work, Agent Polmes."

"Thank you, sir." Sherry paused for a moment, allowing just enough time for the conversation to change tracks, before continuing. "Do you have another mission for me, sir?"

"Not at this time. We'd like you to come back to Earth Prime for debriefing."

There was something unusual in the Director's voice, something that Sherry couldn't quite place. For a fleeting moment, she fancied it her imagination, but the thought died as soon as it had surfaced. Sherry had too much faith in her perception and observation skills to doubt what she knew. There was something behind that request, she was certain of it.

She decided to pursue it. "Only a debriefing?"

"Initially. There are some other matters that we need to attend to."

He was being evasive. That wasn't unusual, but not entirely ordinary either. Either way, it signaled that answers weren't going to be forthcoming until she was safely back in her own dimension... and probably talking to the Director face to face.

"Understood. I'll be bringing Jane back with me. You may Transfer when ready."

The world blurred around her. She wasn't worried. It was simply an effect of the TransDrive reaching across dimensions in order to bring her back home. It was a quick process, likely to be over almost before it had begun, but it could still be rather hard on the stomach. Just as there was car sickness and plane sickness, dimensional hopping also had a way of causing boughts of nausea.

Sherry closed her eyes and tried to steady her stomach as everything went dark.


<--->

This was... unusual.

She had been expecting the familiar sterility of the Institute. Instead she was detecting the unmistakable scent of the fresh outdoors. It was curious.

Her eyes opened and she was immediately besought with a headache, which forced her to sway unsteadily. Sherry groaned, blinked, and tried to calm her vision. Pain and disorientation watered her eyes with tears. She was going to turn into a blubbering mess if she wasn't careful, and Sherry had no desire to show that much weakness to the world.

Several seconds passed as the pain subsided; as it did so, she came to a most startling realization. It wasn't that this had been a most difficult dimensional transfer. The migraine had come because her field of view was much different from what was expected-- from what it normally was. It was much wider with less finesse of depth perception.

Sherry took an unsteady step and made another discovery. She lacked hands... and was presently walking about on all fours. Horror began to fill her mind. Slowly, she turned her head, attempting to catch a decent look at herself. Immediately, she wished that she hadn't. For behind her stood a large mirror, and in that mirror, she could see her full reflection.

Something... rather bizarre had happened to her. Somehow, she had transformed into a large pink horse.

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She gaped at herself for a long moment, and then uttered a quiet: “Oh dear.”

This was a problem.


Next: The Adventure Begins

[D.KnightSpider]

Chapter 1: Scene 1: It's Not the Fall that Kills You, Indeed


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After several disorienting moments, my wits and coordination began to return to me. Walking on all fours was an interesting challenge. A few moment's worth of practice, however, left me reasonably competent in the art of not tripping over my own two feet.

Not having many other options, I decided to explore my surroundings. A quick search told me that I was inside some sort of strange castle. My wanderings carried me past a great many display cases that housed different feminine jewelry items: such as bracelets and necklaces.

I had never been overly concerned about wearing precious stones, so I paid little attention to the baubles and continued my search. I was soon rewarded by coming across another mare. This one was a darker shade than my presently pink self, and seemed entirely unamazed to see me. In point of fact, she seemed almost expectant.

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This was an interesting piece of information. Perhaps the horse was the predominant species of this world? Agent Gulliver had reported something similar on one of his journeys, once. He neglected to mention anything about those horses being brightly colored, however.

If such were true, then my mind would be at least partially eased. It meant that the TransWarp hadn't just royally screwed up and transformed me into a pretty pink pony for no obvious reason. It would have do so so that I might blend into the population.

Still, the sooner I could shed this equestrian form and regain actual hands would be very much appreciated.

"Excuse me--" To my intense surprise, I realized that I had no problem speaking through a horse's mouth. In fact, the anatomy of my presently pony jaws seemed almost strangely similar to that of human construction. What sort of bizarre anatomy did these horses have? After all, everyone knew that horses were incapable of speaking English.

The purple mare, whom I now realized to be the mythical unicorn, began prattling on as if my faux pas was the most natural thing in the world.

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This bewildered me: "You are not at all frightened of the fact that there is a strange horse in your presence?"

"This is no time for games." The purple unicorn said firmly.

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"I'm... afraid that you are mistaken. My name is not Rarity. It is Sherry. Sherry Lynn Polmes..." I said to no avail. The unicorn simply ignored my words and continued babbling away.

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How on earth does one 'make' a rainbow? A rainbow was a naturally occurring scientific phenomena that required sunlight and airborne moisture. And for that matter, 'Brights Brightly' sounded like some sort of horrid infomercial light bulb. What on earth was a 'Brights Brightly' supposed to be?

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I was distracted from my consternation over mythically magical rainbows and attempts to discern the true meaning of 'Whistle Wishes' when I felt a tickle on my leg. A quick glance past my behind showed a large green caterpillar staring at my hoof. I gave him an angry glare that went unnoticed.

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Not used to responding to 'Rarity' (or used to nouns being applied as names in general) it took me several long moments to respond.

Needless to say, I was thoroughly and properly confused by this point. This unicorn seemed to treat me like a known acquaintance and my protests meant nothing were taken like some sort of silly jest. Had the TransWarp caused me to switch bodies with this horse? The thought of being stuck like this forever was rather chilling. I frowned heavily.

A loud 'Harrumph' yanked my attention back to the unicorn, whom I was beginning to consider the Schoolmaster.

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Rainbows. Magic. Color. Right. Because these things were much more important than a bright twenty-something woman trapped in a horse's body.

Since my protests were to no avail, I decided to wait out the rainbow lesson.

"We are preparing for the Rainbow Celebration." Schoolmistress Unicorn stated gravely. "Please help Brights Brightly decorate the bridge."

Heaven help them if this turned into some sort of mission to help a a talking Instabulb rewire a drawbridge...

Before I could make a move, the green caterpillar performed a long jump that carried it through the air and deposited it squarely on my nose. I jerked in surprise and tossed my head, flicking the worm off of my nose. Caterpillars should not be able to jump that high.

To my amazement, the caterpillar laughed giddily and began shrieking in perfect, high-pitched English: "Catch me! Catch me!"

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Not entirely sure what to do, I snorted at him. The updraft from my nostrils shot the caterpillar airborne once again.

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After bouncing around the room a few times, the caterpillar rebounded off of my nose and slammed head-first into a bookcase. There the little lepidoptera got to his feet, wobbled around dizzily for about five steps, and then bent over to hock his lunch up all over a silver bookend. It was a less than pleasant sight.

"Wheeee! That was fun!" The little beast cried.

I shook my head in disbelief. I had just played volley- er- worm... That was ridiculous. What kind of lungs did this body have, anyway? The amount of force required to lift the caterpillar into the air would have been significant, yet I had done so without rupturing his internal organs or splitting him in three.

Somewhere, science was screaming in untold violated agony.

A loud cough from the unicorn reminded me of the task at hand. Since she didn't seem likely to believe that I was not her beloved Rarity (or that I needed help of any sort getting back to my proper, human, state of existence) I slinked away to find someone else with which to interact. Hopefully, they would be able to tell me what was going on and how to get out of this predicament.

Hmm... That unicorn did say something about magic, didn't she? Perhaps there was a wizard somewhere that could help...


Mini-Games from this session:

Hi, everyone!

This is Jane H. Awston, I'm Sherry's cat-girl-werecat-friend-thing. Since Sherry's busy, the Director asked me to talk about the minigames played from Sherry's adventures with the ponies.

I don't like ponies. They're big. Scary. Smelly. And they never watch where they step. And they go to the bathroom everywhere! They're so uncivi- unciv- they don't live in cities! They're also nowhere near as cute as kitties. I like kitties! That's because I am a kitty! Sometimes. I think.

Anyway! This time, Sherry played Caterpillar Toss! Caterpillars are fun because they're very squishy and string-like. They make great toys. In this game, Sherry had to toss the caterpillar into the air and then snort at it to keep it bouncing around the room. The Director said that it was kind of like Breakout, just without any bricks to break. Or Pong. That works, too.

If the caterpillar falls past Sherry, then the game ends. You have to keep the caterpillar bouncing for as long as you can! Sherry was able to keep it bouncing for 28 times. Wow!

When the game ends, you get to look at one of the display cases from the first screenshot. Each case has an item inside, like a bracelet or handbag. When you win the game, you get a jewel to put on the item! Pretty! It sparkles and flashes and everything! Each minigame has its own case and its own item, so you can collect lots of jewels and make some really pretty things. Yay!

That's all for this time. I'll see you soon.

Meow!


Next: Meet the Ponisons

[SiuiS]

Oh man. Generation 3.5? Yeah, that's like krypton it's to both sides of the love/hate MLP spectrum. You played through this? You're a trooper!

[SlyGuyMcFly]

Yeah. Won't find many bronies out there that'll object to ribbing this particular iteration of MLP. :smallamused:

*grabs popcorn*

Anyway, this is hilarious and I'll be keeping an eye on it. If I ever saw an LP that warrants the "We play it so you don't have to" tagline, it's this one.



Oh, and... Relevant. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oA2XRkRwdKo)

[Siosilvar]

I, uh, well...

this is shaping up to be the most <adjective> trainwreck I've seen.

[D.KnightSpider]

Heh. It just goes to show you how far outside of the spectrum that I am on the pony issues. Here I was worried about the possibility of a massive thread derailment and it turns out the fear was entirely unfounded.

I'll take that. :smallsmile:

[SiuiS]

The playground is pretty chill like that. :smallsmile:

I'm... Still boggling on the effects. You play games to add sparkles to pretty jewelry... That you'll never wear?

I mean, even Pokemon had a point to it! Your sparkly strong critters fought well! This is just redonkulous. XD

[D.KnightSpider]

Preeeeetty much, yeah.

Each minigame gives you jewels for your shiny baubles, but all you can do is look at the newer, slightly shinier baubles. And you can take that 'slightly' literally. Each gem is nothing more than a colored oval overlayed on the item.

You didn't think that they were actually going to let you change Rarity's sprite, did you? That'd take work on their part.

[D.KnightSpider]

Chapter 1: Scene 2: And You Thought V was Ambigous
Upon exiting the tutoring room, I found myself in a wide hallway. A yellow mare stood in the center of the pathway. She called to me as I approached.

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With that, the unidentified pony reared up and let loose a happy whinny. There seemed little point in stopping to talk to this mare. Or what I assumed was a mare.

I resumed my journey and soon found myself outside of the castle.

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Further attempts to clarify that I was not Rarity, but Sherry, were met with scoff. No one seemed willing to believe that I was a stranded traveler of the multiverse and not some foolish child that would play silly imaginary games.

The unicorn simply laughed at me and told me not to be nervous.

Becoming some sort of 'Rainbow Princess' was the least of my worries. I was more concerned with becoming bipedal once again. But the fates seemed stacked against me in that regard. I decided to forgo this little explanation ritual in the future. I would simply play along with their assumption that I was a princess of rainbows, gumdrops and butterflies. It would make for far less headache than trying to explain myself time after time.

A short walk carried me to a bridge, and thereon I found the elusive Light-Bright-- er, 'Brights Brightly'.

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A fetchquest. Lovely. As best I was able to surmise, Ms. Brightly was busy decorating for the upcoming rainbow festival. Unfortunately, good intentions did not overrule a forgetful mind. Ms. Brightly had forgotten her ribbons, and needed a certain time traveler mistaken for a plucky young princess to go find them.

In the end, I agreed to help. After all, I had little reason not to find some ribbons, and, if nothing else, it would give me an excuse to explore the area. Perhaps I'd run into someone who could help me with my, er, predicament.

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Barely two steps away, I found my first ribbon. I was rather perplexed as to how Ms. Brightly had failed to notice its presence. After all, had she but turned around, it would have been plainly seen.

No matter. The ribbon lay discarded on the ground, so I felt no compulsion against taking it. It was slightly dirty, but a ribbon was a ribbon and I was in no mood to be picky about it.

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The rainbow theme seemed a little overdone, to be perfectly honest, but I doubted that anyone would take to such an opinion well.

I continued forward a few more steps and found yet another ribbon. I stared at it, perplexed, for several long moments. Why would anyone be leaving these ribbons around so carelessly? It was not as if they were hidden. They were laid out in what amounted to a straight line. What purpose could they possibly serve?

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For that matter, each ribbon seemed to be marked with a flashing exclamation point. Had something similar not been a constant on Agent David's world, I would have begun questioning my sanity at this point.

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... What on earth was wrong with this pony's eyes? She was looking at me, of that I was certain, yet her irises had been rolled up into the back of her eyelids. I was mildly perturbed at the sight. This pony was staring at me with the whites of her eyes. Such had no right to be.

A shudder worked through my spine. And the pony's words did little to help my consternation at this.

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What-- what-- what? What did that even mean? Before I could object or explain that I had absolutely no idea what she even meant, I was whisked away into a cotton-candy-pink and blue house and thrust onto a catwalk stage.

The orange pony then began running all around me. With dexterity that I found impossible to grasp, the orange horse whipped out different cloth articles and began dressing me in different styles.

Never before had I so longed to understand equestrian anatomy. The equestrian arts were an area in which I was sorely lacking. I was quite unable to tell a male horse from a female horse.

For if it were a male horse dressing and touching me... ugh... some thoughts are best left unattended.

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First, the horse stuck a pink bow in my hair.

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Then shoes over my hooves. (Why? Horses did not need sneakers, but metal bands bent into U-shapes.)

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And then...

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Good gravy, I looked like some sort of... floozy. The other pony must have noticed my consternation, because what I hoped was a she ripped off the racy laces and slapped on an overly modest dress.

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"There!" The orange pony squeeled in entirely inappropriate glee. "That just looks positively gorgeous on you!"

To my untrained eye, I now looked like an overdone marshmallow. I felt little need to say as much, however. I felt it best to humor this unhinged horse. Doing so might satisfy her quicker and allow me to escape with as little trauma as possible.

"Er, yes... it does look rather... fetching." I stammered.

The orange horse snapped some pictures before ripping off the clothes and ejecting me from the house. I made a mental note not to talk to any carrot-colored-crazies from here on out.

Fortunately, a distraction quickly showed itself. The last ribbon lay at the end of this path, just past the house or fashion horror.

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All that was left was to return them to Ms. Brightly. I gave Crazy Carrot a wide berth as I scooted quietly around her (or what I chose to believe to be a her) and made my way back down the path. I bypassed a few more ponies and soon found myself standing on the bridge once again.

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Abruptly, Ms. Brightly singlehandedly made the pile of ribbons vanish from my hooves and reappear at the bottom of the bridge. I gasped and stepped back, slightly amazed at this display of the dark arts. One moment, they had been in my hoof, the next they were tacked onto the bridge. The tutor pony had not been kidding when she said that this was a world of magic.

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This here was the lead that I needed. If I was going to return to my true form, then I was most likely going to need Ms. Brightly's help.

"Excuse me," I began. "Perhaps you could help me with a small matter?"

Ms. Brightly cut me off with a snort and a toss of her head.

"There's no time for fun or games right now, Rarity." She said firmly.

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No amount of begging or pleading would sway her. If I was to have any hope of returning home, it would have to wait until after I had finished these mind-numbing tasks and satisfied these Technicolor horses.

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Dejected, I left to find this Whistle Wishes that Brightly spoke of...

Mini-Games from this Session

Hello, it's Jane H. Awston again, and there's another mini-game to talk about. Yay!

So! This time, Sherry played Pony Dress Up! The object of this game is to make your pony match the picture in the upper right hand side of the screen. By pressing up and down, you can choose what accessory or clothing thing to change. Left and right makes the chosen thingy change quickly.

Sherry must have learned to change really fast, because as soon as you press the button, the clothes 'pop' into existence. That's really weird because she takes hours and hours to get ready in the morning. Really! But when the Carrot pony does it, it happens fast. I don't know why she can change faster as a pony than as a people. Maybe it's because she doesn't have to brush her mane when she's a pony?

She should use some perfume as a pony, though. She really smells when she's like that.

Anyway! You can add accessories to her hair, you can add toys at her feet, and you can change her clothes! I think it's a bit silly, really. Everyone knows that horsies don't wear clothes. They look really silly with those clothes on, too. It's weird.

It'd be like kitties wearing clothes. Ugh. That's a bad thought.

That's all I've got to say this time. See you later!

Meow!

[D.KnightSpider]

Chapter 1: Scene 3: Capture the Bubble Bath


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It quickly became apparent that I had absolutely no idea who Whistle Wishes was. This prompted a long delay as I asked several ponies for directions. Eventually, however, I found the much sought after horse standing idly in the middle of a busy city street. W.W. certainly didn't seem all that busy.

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Flags. Right. I had just finished running all over creation looking for ribbons. If someone had left those lying around, then someone could very well have left a trio of flags here and there also also.

That was my hope, at least. I had no idea what passed for currency around this place and little interest in purchasing someone else's frivolities with my own cash.

I began retreading old ground, searching for any forgotten pendants. I had not gone far when I saw a flashing exclamation mark... and a flag to boot.

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Since it was nearby, I decided to search the castle for the flags. I had been over most of the surrounding area and seen nothing but ribbons, so going over that old ground did not seem productive.

Should the flags not be there, then at best I would have wasted some time; at worst I would find myself without a head for daring to touch the queen's personal flags.

Scarcely had I entered the main hall than did I find myself tripping over a tightly wound piece of fabric. After a few moments, I managed to utilize my oversized nose in order to unroll it. There I found...

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It would have been so much nicer had I actual hands. Trying to carry ribbons and parcels in my teeth was quite the exercise. Not to mention tiring on the muscle jaws. Should I desire to speak to any pony, then I had to drop my load, talk, then retrieve it all with my jaws. It was tiring, really.

Upon entering the tutor room, I found my last piece of this fetch quest.

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Tutor Unicorn stopped me with a question.

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"Malreay pon it." I grunted around a mouthful of flag.

I darted out as quickly as I could. How anyone could put up with this inefficiently horrific arrangement was beyond me. I opted to ignore the passing comments and chatter of the surrounding ponies and bolt back to W.W. as fast as I could.

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"But, I have just... ugh." I groaned.

All of this back and forth was beginning to become tiresome. Most especially because it was so utterly pointless. Why was I doing this? Because Tutoring Unicorn had said to.

I briefly contemplated spending the rest of my life in a state of perpetual decorating. It was too horrible to comprehend.

I distracted myself from the thought by falling in behind W.W. and following it back along the path I had just come.

Upon reaching the front castle gate, I was greeted by the most unusual sight. A strange pumpkin/beetle-shaped carriage sitting in front of the steps. It looked rather radiant to me, almost stately, yet a quick glance at W.W.'s face told me that he/she/it was less than pleased.

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"Dirty?" I repeated. "There's not a spot of dust on that thing."

"How can you say that?" W.W. replied. There was an unappreciated lecturing tone in its voice. "It is entire filthy and unfit for use. Just because you may not feel like spending the time to clean the carriage does not mean that you should shirk your responsibilities. The carriage must look its best."

I didn't know how to even begin answering that illogical fallacy, so I chose not to.

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"Bubble What now?" I gaped in astonishment.

I was rewarded for my outburst with a face-full of soapy water.

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A follow-up sudsing explained that there would be no explanation. A moment's observation told me that this was basically a glorified pillow fight. Only with giant bubbles instead of feather pillows.

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Well... when all you have is a hammer... The others seemed to expect me to join in on the game. It seemed like a very inefficient method of cleaning the spotless carriage. Even more than that, it seemed rather unstately an activity. But who was I to judge?

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A sharp shout signaled an end to the fight. The Tutoring Unicorn called down from the upstairs window. She was slightly less than pleased with the watery display.

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"Brights Brightly, Whistle Wishes, Rarity. It is almost time for the festival. Come to the castle room at once."

The water fight immediately broke up, similar to how a group of misbehaving schoolboys might. Several of the ponies vanished into the town while others rushed into the castle.

I sighed at the indignity of it all and quickly shook the water from my hair. Not having any other options at the moment, I opted to head toward the upper tutoring room. This was one adventure that I would have gladly done without.

Minigames from This Session

Jane here!

I don't like this game because it involves water. Cats don't like water. Well, we like water when it's in a little dish and we can drink it. Especially with ice cubes. Ice cubes are fun when they swirl around and around the bowl and get smaller and smaller.

I don't like it so much when water's being thrown in my face.

Anyway! In this game you get to throw water bubbles at the other ponies while trying to avoid the water bubbles that they throw at you. Each time you hit the other pony, you get a point. When you get hit, they get a point. Whoever gets ten points first, wins.

The controls are really stiff in this game... whatever that means. Shelly just asked me to tell you that.

Meow!

[Aotrs Commander]

Wow.

I think even Pinkie Pie would find it hard to find fun in this game...



One can only assume the designers had a very young target audience in mind - mind you, this is patronising even for them - and figured (wrongly, if most children are any judge) that any old rubbish would be good enough, as presumably they thought young children would have no basis for comparison...

[SiuiS]

Wow.

I think even Pinkie Pie would find it hard to find fun in this game...



One can only assume the designers had a very young target audience in mind - mind you, this is patronising even for them - and figured (wrongly, if most children are any judge) that any old rubbish would be good enough, as presumably they thought young children would have no basis for comparison...

Aye.

I am oddly inspired to cross this with an H.P.Lovecraft story though, that thing about Innsmouth.

Oh hey, Commodore! You may recall. On the wizards board, about ten years ago, a gag module that was pretty seriously well done, about a pony pocket plane where human children were stuffed into coccoons to slowly metamorphose into monstrous but cute looking worker, then soldier and finally queen ponies. Have any idea where to find it?

[Aotrs Commander]

Aye.

I am oddly inspired to cross this with an H.P.Lovecraft story though, that thing about Innsmouth.

Oh hey, Commodore! You may recall. On the wizards board, about ten years ago, a gag module that was pretty seriously well done, about a pony pocket plane where human children were stuffed into coccoons to slowly metamorphose into monstrous but cute looking worker, then soldier and finally queen ponies. Have any idea where to find it?

No, doesn't ring a bell, I'm afraid and might be a little before my time on the WotC boards.

[D.KnightSpider]

Wow.
One can only assume the designers had a very young target audience in mind - mind you, this is patronising even for them - and figured (wrongly, if most children are any judge) that any old rubbish would be good enough, as presumably they thought young children would have no basis for comparison...

Yeah, you kinda get the feeling that the designers were aiming for the lowest possible age bracket and failing miserably.

Which makes the game engine really inconsistent because there's very little collision detection at all. You know how in most 2.5D games where you can walk up and down as well as left and right the designers give the hit boxes some depth so that it maintains the illusion of thickness? There's none of that here. Rarity's sprite has to be standing right on top of anything else in order to trigger the collision detection. Hence why in all of the screenshots where a pony is talking, Rarity and that pony's sprites are overlapped.

This makes things like the Bubble Fight minigame a mite frustrating because your bubbles have to hit with pixel perfection in order to count. Otherwise they just phase through the pony and go on their merry little way.

And whereas the other pony gets a nifty little bucket throwing animation to launch their bubbles...

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Rarity just kind of launches bubbles from her knees.

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That's a really lousy superpower if you ask me.

[SiuiS]

It terrifies me that the bubbles have a shadow but the ponies do not. But it explains so much; bubbles actual have depth and substance.

[D.KnightSpider]

Chapter 1: Scene 4: Equestria's Most Wanded


As it turned out, a sopping wet pony couldn't just waltz up to Tutoring Unicorn. The other ponies refused to let me enter the castle so long as I was going to drip suds all over their precious carpets. A good hour was wasted as I stood around in the sun, waiting for my fine horse hair to dry out. It left me with a less than stellar life outlook.

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But, finally, I was deemed dry enough to enter the castle. I went to go see what Tutoring Unicorn wanted. As I walked, I tried to quell my foul mood. Upsetting the reigning monarch of the area was not advisable if I wished to find my way back into my own body.

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I arrived to find Ms. Tutor in an equally foul mood.

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My ears, quite literally, perked up at that. Magic? It was a far cry from The Institute's technology, but, at this point, I was willing to try anything to get away from this syrupy sweet dimension and back home. If nothing else, Jane must have been worried sick about me by now. Or cranky because she hadn't been fed, yet. Werecats were odd that way.

Ms. Tutor turned away from me and rummaged through a pile of junk. My heart sank. Surely no one would store a magical item powerful enough to fix my dilemma among such gaudy trinkets, would they?

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"Buh-wha?" I sputtered before retrieving my jaw from the floor. "Pictures? You can't be serious."

Tutoring Unicorn looked at me in dismayed disbelief.

I finally managed a coherent sentence. "We're going to use a magical item like an oversized crayon?"

"Magic cannot be learned in a day, Rarity." There was a frustrated tone in the unicorn's voice. Apparently, she had misconstrued the source of my consternation and decided that I was upset to be moving so slowly in these studies. "Before anything else, you must learn to harness the magic of this wand and use it to create color and brightness. Only then can you fulfill the role of the Rainbow Princess and create the rainbows of this world."

"Confound your rainbows, woman!" I hissed under my breath. "I wish to have hands again."

"Rarity." Ms. Tutor added a glare to that warning name.

Never before had I been so humiliated. I had defeated vampires, unraveled mysteries, fought time traveling ninjas and even handled the Institute's dreaded laundry day... but being reduced to an overeager young preschooler who needed to be taught to stay within the lines? That was low.

I did my best to swallow what little pride and self-esteem I had left, and reminded myself that it was for the greater good of getting home.

"Alright." I said with a slow nod. "Let's... color."

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As it turned out, it was much less 'coloring' and more 'use the wand like an MS Paint bucket tool to fill areas with color'. Either way, the wand was fairly unresponsive. Several times I selected the wrong color or filled the wrong area.

I wasn't entirely sure if it was the wand's fault, or just because I lacked proper equestrian dexterity.

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At length, Ms. Tutor was happy with my project and accepted it.

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Gag me with a spork.

A low buzzing in my ear grabbed my attention away from Tutoring Unicorn. A sense of relief and glee flooded through my system. My Institute Comlink was still active. It was going off. The Director was trying to contact me.

Forget the rainbows. This was much more important.

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The moment that Cherilee's back was turned, I slipped out of sight and darted behind a nearby table. A long moment passed as I fumbled with the comlink. Blast these hooves. Why did they have to make handling delicate instruments so impossibly hard? I finally managed to hit the right button and accept the transmission.

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"Go ahead." I whispered into the mike.

"Agent Polmes. It's good to hear from you."

"Likewise, Director." I all but sagged to the floor in relief. "You have no idea the torture I've been through."

His low voice continued. "You have my apologies for the detour through the Pony Dimension, Agent Polmes. It was not planned."

"What happened?"

"Shortly into the teleportation, the TransWarp went critical. We had to shut it down or lose the station."

I gaped at the news. The TransWarp was the most well maintained machine on the entire station. It was so essential that it was constantly serviced and inspected. For it to malfunction that badly could only mean one thing.

"Sabotouge." I guessed.

"Affirmative. It was touch and go, but we managed to save you and Jane... mostly."

"Please define that statement."

There was a short pause before the Director began speaking again.

"Our technicians did the best that they could. They managed to bring your physical bodies back to the Institute, but our lock on your mental energies was failing rapidly. We were afraid to bring you all the way back lest we loose you between dimensions. I made the call to shunt your minds off into the nearest dimensions rather than risk bringing you back."

A shudder worked down my spine. No one knew what lurked in the fine lines between dimensions. A few had tried to find out, but it had never ended well. The early years of trans-dimensional travel were fraught with failed experiments and stories of people being sucked into the void or being driven mad by what they witnessed. To know that I had come so close to such a horrific fate... it suddenly made all of this dimension palatable.

"I understand. How long until I can return?"

"We're working as fast as we can. Once we're certain that we can bring you back safely, we will do so. Until then, play along with the locals. Do what you have to do to survive I'll..."

Static filled my ear. My teeth ground together in frustration.

"Director, please respond." I toggled the receiver. "Institute, come in, please."

Nothing. The call had been dropped.

Was it more sabotage? I didn't know. But I had my mission. I had to survive until this torment would end. It would be a trying time, but doable.

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I poked my head out from underneath the table, fully expecting a stiff lecture. None came.

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Apparently, Tutoring Unicorn had noticed my absence and determined to look for me. Such was fine by me. The less I knew about magical rainbows, the better off I would be when I returned to reality. I began walking across the room, heading towards the far door.

As I passed the Magic Wand, however, things took a turn for the unexpected.

The Wand jerked upright and began hovering in the air. Startled, I came to a stop. The Wand stopped. I took a cautious step away from the Wand. The Wand hovered closer and maintained the same distance between us.

Abruptly, it slipped to one side and began spinning around me. Surprised, I twisted about, attempting to keep my eyes on it. I was half-afraid that I was to get zapped with magic and turned into a frog or somesuch. That would just be a fine capstone to an otherwise lousy day.

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The Wand juked back and forth, twisting and turning through the air like an airplane possessed. I twisted about after it, never taking my eyes from it.

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The Wand snapped forward, aiming straight for my head. I ducked to one side, evading the noggin-bopping. But the Wand was not through. Thrice more it attempted to smack me in the nose. Finally, frustrated and done with all of this, I snapped my hooves up and plucked it out of the air.

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And, of course, Tutoring Unicorn chose that moment to reappear. I grunted at the irony. Steeling myself, I prepared for an oncoming lecture on Magic Wand safety and how it would relate to rainbows or somesuch.

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At which point, the Wand made like a tazer and jolted me with electricity. I cried out and tried to drop the Wand, but was unable. It remained fixed between my front legs like some accursed item.

The world blurred before my eyes and then everything faded to black. There was nothing.

Or rather, suddenly I was nothing.

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Minigames from This Session

Jane here!

So, this time there were two minigames that Sherry played. I'm told that one doesn't really count, though, because you really can't loose. The coloring book minigame just wants you to put some color on the paper, which I think can be pretty funny. You can make the sky pink and the stars green if you want and you'll still win!

Ooooh. Pink and green. That's just like watermelon. I like watermelon! Well, not so much when I'm in cat form. But in catgirl and werecat form, I like it a lot. It's so juicy and water-y... It's a lot better than having water thrown in your face.

The other minigame was the one that Sherry played with the star wand. That one's weird. The Star Wand will dance up and down and from side to side. It'll go like this: up, up, down, down, left, up. Then you have to push the same direction that the wand went. If you do it right ten times, then you win.

The timing is really weird, though, because you have to press and hold the direction that you want the wand to go, not just push and let up.

I wonder what happened to Sherry at the end, though? She just sort of vanished. There wasn't even a blinding flash or anything! She just wasn't there any more. Weird. I hope she's alright...

Meow!

[D.KnightSpider]

Chapter 2: Scene1: What Do You Mean, It Wasn't Made on Drugs?

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Eventually, the nothingness faded into wherever nothingness goes. Conscious thought slowly returned to me, and, with it, came the realization that my head was trying to split in two. It felt like a monstrous hangover. For a split second I dared to entertain the hope that someone had spiked my evening coffee and that my entire experience was nothing more than the end result of a devoted teetotaler undergoing intense alcohol poisoning.

Slowly, I pried my eyes open, hoping not to see any ponies or rainbows.

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Holey Swiss Cheese on a French Bagel. What the devil was that thing?

I slammed my eyes shut and shook my head. No. I was hallucinating. I had to be. There was no way that some sort of Frankenstein-ian abomination that had come straight out of Picasso's nightmares was hoving in front of me. I took a long moment to pull myself together and then opened my eyes again.

The flying pony beetle was still there.

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It appeared that Pony Dimension was even more royally messed up than I had initially suspected. A sigh left my lips. This was just wrong on so many levels.

As loathe as I was to further this insanity, I had been instructed to play along with the locals. From here on out, I was not Sherry, but, ugh, Rarity.

I provided the Horse Fairy with my name and then inquired as to the nature of my present location.

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"That does little to answer the question." I said slowly. "I'm afraid that I have no idea where Breezie Blossom is."

Horse Fairy paid me no mind. The little winged beast abruptly shot skyward and looked around frantically. Idly, I began to wonder if everyone in this plane of existence suffered from intense ADHD. It would explain so much.

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I gave Butterfly Horse a flat look. This little thing had known me for all of five seconds and already it was trying to send me on a fetch quest. I sighed again. I knew how this was going to work. Nothing would happen until I put my splitting head aside and found the other airborne abominations.

So, off I went.

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Granted, I had no idea who Zipaee or Twiddlywink was, but I figured that as long as I pestered every Horse Fairy that I came across (and was careful not accidentally step on one), that I'd find them sooner or later.

Thus, a long game of trial and error began.

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Or, rather, what I expected to be a long game of trial and error. I hit pay fly almost immediately.

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I failed to see what the problem was. None of the other Horse Fairies were overly concerned with vegetation, so why should this one? Oh, well, who was I to judge?

That was one flying abomination down, and one more to go. I kept pressing on down the path, talking to every Fairy that I came across. The results were... rather disheartening.

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Curiously, there was some invisible barrier sitting in front of the bridge that prevented me from entering it. On the other side of the river, I could see the castle. Odd. Why would the Ponies not want the Fairies coming to visit? The cynical part of my mind wondered if there was some sort of cold war between the two-- after all, they were both abominations of color and cuteness.

Not having any other leads, I began backtracking to Tra La La. Along the way, I kept an eye out for any wayward wings, but saw nothing.

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Wait... you know where to find Zipzee, but rather than go and get him yourself, you are forcing me to do it? Irritation flooded my veins. This had to be the laziest creature in all of Equestria. The nerve!

After venting my rage with a well-placed mental rant, I trotted down the left path. At least there was only one Fairy Horse to find. Things could have been much worse.

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And with that, the little creature snapped off a sneeze loud enough to rival the shot heard round the world. Zipzee spiraled backward through the air, propelled by his own nostrils, and abruptly crashed into a green bush.

I waited, unconcerned, for several moments to pass. Then, the bush rattled, a yellow abomination tumbled from its leaves. Zipzee sheepishly floated back my direction.

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Rainbows. Always the rainbows.

Without another word, Zipzee darted back up the path toward Twiddlywink and Tra La La's location. He didn't even bother to say 'Good-Bye'. Surely, these Horse Fairies were a most fundamentally rude folk.

I did take one very important fact away from this encounter, however. Travel between Breezie Blossom and Equestria must have been possible if these Fairies were intent on attending the Rainbow Celebration. There went any hope of these two sides annihilating themselves in some sort of mutually assured destruction scenario.

Not having any other leads to pursue, I chased after the floating spastic sneezer.

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That would account for the splitting headache, now wouldn't it?

"I'm afraid not." I said with certainty. "How you cannot distinguish between a 'bump' and a unicorn's horn is beyond my comprehension. Since your entire order seems built upon rule of cute, I can only assume this your question is an attempt to be endearing. It has failed miserably."

The three Horse fairies looked at each other blankly. As I'd expected, they did not understand a word that I had just said.

Finally, one of them turned to me and hazarded a statement slash question.

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"Yes. My horn. All of my kind have them apparently. I am mildly surprised that you don't have one yourselves. Although as small as you are, I would assume them to not be very useful."

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"But-- how-- Ugh."

Again the illogical inconsistency of it all struck me. The implication there was that these Fairies had before never encountered a larger pony. Yet they acted as though they had been to the Rainbow Celebration. How could they not be aware of the differences between anatomically incorrect ponies and flying fairy horses? For that matter, how could they be so awestruck at the novelty of meeting a pony?

I was suddenly tempted to reconsider my imaginings of a cold war.

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ADHD, I tell you.

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An uncomfortable silence settled upon the Breezies. After a moment, I realized that they were all looking at me in a most expectant matter. The wheels of my mind spun and everything clicked into place.

"This doesn't even make sense!" I protested, hoping to ward off the forthcoming request. "We're all standing here buck naked and you're going to tell me that you need pajamas to sleep in? Horses don't even sleep lying down! We sleep standing up!

"And please don't tell me that the three of you are going to share one toothbrush. I cannot even begin to tell you how unsanitary that is--"

My protests fell on deaf ears.

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Blast it all.

[D.KnightSpider]

Chapter 2: Scene 3: Rainbows. Always Rainbows! Always Driving Ponies BATS!


I was beyond caring at this point. I had chased after flags, ribbons, point-and-click colors and played Bubble Bobble with ponies. Each task given to me in this twisted dimension was more inane than the last and twice as pointless.

But, I had been given a mission by some rudely lazy flying horse fairies: find them a toothbrush, pajamas and a bedtime story. If I didn't, then they'd kill my firstborn.

That last sentence is wholly untrue, but it would have definitely made this mind-numbing exercise more interesting.

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Especially since the toothbrush was lying in plain sight in the middle of the road. I didn't even stop to consider the sanitation problems of utilizing such a dirty cleaning agent. Knowing how saturated this plain of existence was with sappiness, the germs would probably be helpful little pink bow ties that would freshen the Horse Fairy's breath.

I poked around the rest of the area, but failed to find either of the other two items that I sought. Finally, I decided to return to Troll La La and admit failure.

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But the flying horse was having none of it. She wanted PJ's, so PJ's she was going to get. I still couldn't fathom why they needed the sleepwear. It wasn't as though they ever wore clothes. Maybe they were like cats and just liked to sleep on the stuff.

Jane did that all the time. I snorted a sigh. I couldn't wait to get off this rock and get back to her.

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Okay, now they were just messing with me. Those pajamas were most definitely not there five minutes ago. Pranks. I was being pranked by a bunch of mis-matched abominations. Ugh.

Play along, Sherry. I reminded myself. The fewer waves you make, the faster you'll be able to leave.

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"Zipzee wouldn't happen to know where he left it, would he?" I grunted at them. After all, the last time I'd tried to help a fairy, it turned out that they knew where the missing Breezie was and were just being overly lazy.

But, as usual, my grumbling proved unprofitable. I left the Breezie party wondering how on earth the Breezies could use any of these items. The toothbrush and PJ's were a normal sized item. How the fairies could use them, much less carry them, was something I failed to understand.

Again, I found a bedtime story book where I knew it had not been.

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Ungrateful little mongrels.

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Don't think I still don't consider you ungrateful.

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Five minutes elapsed while the Breezies read through the list of everything that I had procured and proceeded to dramatically announce 'check' to every item.

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Then, as if that was not enough delay, the winged horses began arguing over who should lead them on their way. Did it even matter?

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Lobotomize me with a butter knife. How on earth could anyone be this insipid and not be picked off as a weaker species?

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I watched them go, glad that I was finally free of their madness. Then, after shunting them from my mind, I began mulling over my next move. Avoiding contact with the rest of the world for the duration of my stay proved tempting... but inadvisable. Like it or not, I had a presence in this world. I needed to maintain it lest I do damage to their time stream.

With a sigh, I turned back towards the castle. And found myself face to face once more with Troll La La.

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Twiddlywink then chimed in: "I bet they went to the garden to play hide and seek?"

I shook my head. How could one possibly play hide and seek without anyone to, er, seek? Running off to play such a game without informing the other party was tantamount to a failed game.

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Gasp! Shock! Horror! Who would have ever guessed that I would become responsible for correcting the errors of an ADHD-riddled group of mutant abominations? Oh, right, that was all that I had ever done since setting hoof on this blasted world.

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Because you were an obnoxious yellow thing who doesn't know nearly as much as she thinks she does? Oh? No? Sorry, then.

Oh well, I stalked off to find some wayward Breezies and drag them back by the hair of their wings.

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I arrived at the aforementioned garden to a sight so ludicrous, I couldn't believe it to be normal even by this place's standards. A bunch of mutant beetle horses were busy popping their heads in and out of flowers. They came across as a crude Jack-in-the-Boxes, what with the way that they popped in and out of the flower buds.

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It looked like something out of a Whack-A-Mole game, really. I resisted the urge to start smacking them as they emerged from the flowers. Instead, I picked up the magic wand (that I somehow still had with me despite not having it in my possession mere moments ago) and began using it as a stick to poke the emerging fairy.

There was no way I was going to actually touch the things.

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http://i.minus.com/ibsQ72BXV5WEVl.png
http://i.minus.com/iyQJgHVejpxAu.png

When I was fairly certain that there were no more Breezies to be found, I went through and trampled the flowers to be certain. Ordinarily, I would never condone such senseless vandalism, but my mounting stress and frustration demanded it. It was almost therapeutic, really. And should anyone complain, I could always say that it was an unfortunate byproduct of a big horse chasing tiny horse flies.

I reported back to Drill Sergeant Troll La La.

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http://i.minus.com/ibmgqQT7fV3Z6E.png
http://i.minus.com/irxSkcoyXKTmh.png

Of course you did. You'd forget your own head if wasn't attached. Seriously, how did these Breezies managed to survive before I came dropping into their midst? Without me to run their errands and do their chores, the entire place must have been a constant cacophony of disaster.

http://i.minus.com/ih2EY6k2YyQQV.png
http://i.minus.com/iir9eqQ8zSoRq.png

Rainbowberries. Rainbowberries? It wasn't enough that everyone obsessed over those wretched things here. We had to eat them as well? Ugh. The very name made me lose the appetite that I did not have. I resisted the urge to upchuck onto the Breezie and cut her off by volunteering to get the berries.

I may be run around like a workhorse, but at least I was going to do it on my own terms.

http://i.minus.com/ibvzrkc8UDPgiH.png
http://i.minus.com/i70pZCpX6VYzl.png

Again, I was left entirely flumoxed. Upon arriving at the rainbowberry wall, I discovered that I had a yellow sunhat on my head. Said hat was most definitely not there ten minutes ago.

I snorted and looked up to see four Breezies laughing madly. They waved a hoof at me and then darted off. Crazy pranksters. At least they had made my job somewhat easier. By dropping a hat on my head, they had given me a makeshift basket to use for this berry picking expedition.

A sadistic grin passed over my lips. I hoped that the Breezies wouldn't mind if I slobbered all over their snacks. The only way that I was going to be able to pick any berries was with my teeth.

That thought lasted for approximately five seconds before I looked at the berry wall. The wind abruptly left my sails. Really, world? This was what you were going to do to me next?

http://i.minus.com/i70pZCpX6VYzl.png
http://i.minus.com/iYizbSF256v5G.png
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http://i.minus.com/iKeIxrbDJNao2.png
http://i.minus.com/ibazUsEH8zHrIw.png

So, I took them back to the Breezies. Simple, no?

http://i.minus.com/iAAMIXrxBAYQA.png
http://i.minus.com/iS4PT5xgD6D7p.png

"I'm glad that you're so impressed." I shrugged as best I was able. "So I take it that you're finally ready for your trip? Good. I wish you a safe journey towards... wherever it is that you're going."

http://i.minus.com/ibwQQ9SQTaQExf.png

"The Rainbow Celebration?" I mused. A vague memory began to stir in my mind. Well, less a memory and more something that I happened to overhear. While Tutoring Unicorn had been busy giving me a lecture on magical rainbow happiness, I had been busy hiding underneath a table talking to the Director.

Nevertheless, some of what the reigning monarch had said had reached my subconscious. A moment's thought brought it to the fore.

"I think I have something to do with that... something about creating the rainbows or nonsense of the like."

Troll La La abruptly shook her head in dismay. I seemed to have shocked her somehow.

http://i.minus.com/iY1BKNI8dGszt.png
http://i.minus.com/idhqD3GtNbBX2.png

Oh, no, you don't.

"I'm sorry. I don't recall giving you the right to make health care decisions for me. I'm perfectly alright, thank you."

Of course, the fairies opted to ignore me in my entirety.

http://i.minus.com/iY1BKNI8dGszt.png
http://i.minus.com/idhqD3GtNbBX2.png

"Yes, you most certainly can and I ask that you do so."

http://i.minus.com/iznIH3KdWHdQc.png

"Wait! What are you doing?" I shrieked.

A batch of Breezies had flown over and latched onto me. No amount of struggling shook them loose. For being so pint-sized, they were abominably strong. I must have wrestled with them for a good five minutes with no success.

Little mongrels. I seethed. This was both humiliating and entirely uncalled for!

The scream of air interrupted the would-be kidnapping. We all looked up to see a ridiculously stereotypical five-point star rocketing overhead. The very sight of it jogged yet another memory.

http://i.minus.com/ibhNJhJvSbwrzd.png

"That's right..." I mused aloud. "There are four stars that will descend to the earth. Each one is a different color... and when the fourth star appears... that's when I do something to put the magic and rainbow in this world..."

http://i.minus.com/iuzfwv3wnVASl.png
http://i.minus.com/iA3hHm5VXDe9s.png

What the heck was a Rainbow Dash? Ugh. Now rainbows had personifications as well? What was it with this world and its obsessions with rainbows? It wasn't healthy, I decided.

But there was no escape. The Breezies had me bound fast and they had decided to reward my hard work by absconding with me and handing me over to this talking rainbow. Wonderful.

http://i.minus.com/iv0WZK8wbpnBB.png
http://i.minus.com/it4zJqaYAqxF8.png

I had just discovered a newfound hatred of my life. Sigh.

http://i.minus.com/ibc7fYASXgHOkB.png
http://i.minus.com/iJ1fUyIuNLQMI.png


Game Commentary

So now we get to the point where the developers chuck any semblance of quality out the window and resort to blatantly padding the game. Despite the fact that not one chapter ago she was carrying around three flags and three ribbons, here Rarity can only carry one fetch-quest item at a time. The other items won't even spawn until you find the other one and take it back to Tra La La.

Compounding this problem is the fact that for the rainbowberry minigame, Rarity pulls a hat out of thin air. Granted, this is supposed to be a kids game, but the sheer stupidity of having a hat/basket for one section and not being able to use it anywhere else is... mind-boggling.

The Whack-A-Breezie game brings out another problem in this game. The graphical work is... lazy at best. Pretty much all of the characters are recolors with minor cutie mark variations.

There's not a lot of animation to be seen. Each breezie just pops in and out of existence and then slides up the screen when clicked on. It's the same with the rainbowberry minigame. The fruit just slides down the screen and vanishes when it touches the hat.

Rarity can move back and forth to get the fruit, but, really, why should you? You don't get penalized for missing a piece and there's no real time limit. If you stand perfectly still, you'll win eventually. Failure is quite literally not an option.

Two chapters in and the plot is finally starting to take shape. The other unicorns need Rarity to become the Rainbow Princess and create the rainbows for the year. But due to the fact that Rarity is supposed to be an airhead a young princess who doesn't listen, she takes the wand and accidentally teleports herself away from the castle. Now she has to get back to the castle before the final star appears or else the world will lose all of its rainbows.

Very little of this is actually explained in-game, however. It's not until the second-to-last chapter that all of this is revealed in a massive info-dump. If you aren't familiar with the MLP 3.5 universe, good luck figuring any of it out.

[SiuiS]

Sadly, I could make a radical D&D one-shot out of such a plot. Haha.

My players would especially like playing whack-a-pixie...


This is rather more entertaining than i thought it could be. Kudos.

[D.KnightSpider]

Many thanks. :smallsmile:

Also, since the next cutscene of the game is divorced from Rarity's point of view, I'm going to forego the first person narrative in favor of third person snark.

Intermission: Foresight is not a Unicorn's Strong Point

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http://i.minus.com/iuhud31GSvRWc.png
http://i.minus.com/ioieCZqV7qJV2.png


You 'need' a plan, implying that, at present, you don't have a plan. Part of me wonders if this is just Cherilee deciding to increase the size of their search grid. The other part of me feels that all of the ponies have been running around in a blind panic for the past however-long-it's-been and they're just now starting to get their heads together.

Given the context of the game to date, I'm going to go with the former option.


http://i.minus.com/iU2Vte0gCgIF3.png


This assumes that Rarity is capable and/or willing to return to the castle. Er, correct me if I'm wrong, but in this universe, isn't Rarity a complete airhead supposed to be overly young-- and thereby overly ignorant of world affairs? I'm guessing that making her way back home might be just a bit outside of her mental abilities. I'm also guessing that she has a complete lack of geographical knowledge.


http://i.minus.com/ixfxzcW7VD7wd.png
http://i.minus.com/iilb8kN4nSQCq.png


That's what I just said, yes. Don't you ever listen to the narrator?


http://i.minus.com/ipbXIxp0Od4z6.png


And yet, I'm surprisingly alright with this.


http://i.minus.com/isoCQgyO7T72N.png
http://i.minus.com/i9OiVPcUYijyY.png


You must have strange nightmares, my friend.

Although... now I'm imagining the Scarecrow from Batman:TAS turned loose in this world. It's a bit freakish. Not because of what the fear gas would do to the ponies or anything like that, but because I could see this entire universe driving the Scarecrow even more bonkers than he already is.

Think about it. A world where their worst fear is a lack of rainbows. He'd go nuts.


http://i.minus.com/iiREaNR05mkTz.png


An old black and white cartoon?


http://i.minus.com/i0FbVzljng00q.png


Oh. Whoops. So, apparently, in this universe, what I've been referring to as 'Equestria' is less 'Equestria' and more 'Unicornia'. That's a bit arrogant of the unicorns, I must say.

Really, there's a bit of fridge horror in this. You have an entire race of sentient ponies who have been divvied up and segregated by racial features. You have the Breezies who live off on their own corner of the world. As we'll see in the next update, there's a bit of contact between the Breezies and the regular ponies of Ponyville, but not much. Then there's the Unicorns that live off by their lonesome and come across as royalty. It's implied that Unicornia is removed from the rest of the world and normally inaccessible to the Breezies and ponies.

What sort of perverse caste system are we working with, here?


http://i.minus.com/ib0B6huot3rgeZ.png


From depressed to overjoyed at ADVENTURE in two seconds flat. ADHD, I tell you.


http://i.minus.com/ibvVMXoBmcr9EE.png


You do that. Which means, of course, that you'll end up doing nothing of the sort for the rest of the game.



And back to the narrative...


Chapter 3: Scene 1: Berry Me By the River

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http://i.minus.com/iXZmYK9Co9A0w.png


Something was wrong.


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I could feel it. There was some sort of... psychic disturbance in the area. It was making it hard to think. Or to do much of anything, really. In a way, it was similar to an out of body experience.


http://i.minus.com/i79QctK2ALsrb.png


It was as though my mind was being removed from the pony body and left in isolation. I could view the outside world, but I found myself powerless to interact with it. Such was not for a lack of effort, on my part. I endeavored to communicate with, or break free of, the Breezies... but I couldn't so much as swish a tail. It was rather aggravating.

Further adding insult to aggravation was the fact that the Breezies hadn't bothered to explain the situation at all. They dropped me on the ponies' doorstep and then took off for parts unknown. And the entire reason that they had brought me here in the first place was to get me 'help'.

Jerks.


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http://i.minus.com/i7HAGm08gniz8.png


I had no idea who this pony was, but I hated her immediately. I did not take condescension well. Running around calling people 'dahlink' was the height of condescension. Urgh. That was my greatest pet peeve.

What happened next left my jaw on the floor. Or, rather, it would have, had I still been corporeal.


http://i.minus.com/ibwkcYFUnnVDFZ.png


The pony body talked.

I hadn't said that. The pony body had.

Abruptly, I realized what had happened. The Director had stated that my usual body was at the Institute. In order to save my existence, they had shunted my mental signature off to another realm. However, when the TransWarp had redirected my mind, it did not have a body into which to place my mind... thus it had shunted me into the body of the first available creature.

Good gravy, I was some sort of mental parasite. No wonder everyone kept insisting that I was Rarity. I wasn't some new pony to have arrived on the scene. I was Rarity. Or Rarity's body in any case.

Since I was a fully developed adult, I was able to easily suppress the lesser personality. But the psychic disruption must have weakened my hold long enough for the original mind to reassert control of the pony body.

Suddenly, I felt very unclean and very much in need of a bath.


http://i.minus.com/iGdeZ1t8D78UL.png


Actually... that made a fair amount of sense. I had been so desperate to return to my home dimension that I had completely neglected to take care of the pony body's regular biological needs. If this Rarity was a growing young mare, then she probably needed much more nutrition than the perpetual fast I had been inadvertently carrying out.


http://i.minus.com/iGk07gYIuPm87.png
http://i.minus.com/ib103zlEdjRwWv.png


Author's Note: Yes, that is about all the animation that this scene gets. Rarity's sprite 'hops' up onto the counter and then the yellow cake instantly vanishes.

I mentally facepalmed. Truly, this young one was in dire need of an etiquette course. Or at least a heaping dose of correctional consideration.

Her actions did tell me something important, however. Her time as a suppressed personality obviously had not caused her any lasting harm.


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Had I an eye, it would be twitching right about now. The sheer stupidity of this situation was almost entirely too much to take. What made the entire thing worse was that I knew where this situation was going. Someone was going to have to go get more, ugh, rainbowberries. And that someone was undoubtedly going to be me.


http://i.minus.com/iby71vcEsVgGYT.png


Oh, goodie. Did I get a prize for being correct?

Hmm... A thought struck me... and it was worth pursuing.

If I were some sort of 'mental parasite', then I could probably jump between host bodies. If such was actually the case, then I knew exactly what I needed to do.


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Some preliminary testing told me that there was a range to how far I could 'jump' between ponies. I needed to be practically standing on top of them in order to switch my consciousness with theirs.

Some might have thought that my forcibly taking over another being's body was cruel. To an extent, that was probably true... but in this instant, I viewed it as more akin to a mercy kill. Nothing in this place ever got done were I not spearheading it. So it was more like putting the pony temporarily out of its misery, I decided.

Plus, keeping the stupidity to a minimum saved my sanity. So that added a layer of self-defense to the argument of justified actions.

I made my way around the ponies, looking for one in particular...


http://i.minus.com/iNUQWOhXz8ZNf.png
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BWahahaha! That would be quite enough of that, 'dahlink'. From here on out, I was in charge. So you could just sit your 'dahlink' little mental butt down and shut up for a while.

Er... That did not come out right at all.

[Aotrs Commander]

*shudder*

And so Rainbow and Pinkie join the insanity. Frag Gen 3.5 RD really is totally Gen 4 Rarity.

One wonders if we're actually going to get the whole mane cast cameo in their earlier incarnations before we're through.

[SiuiS]

Twinkle Twit is best pony.


And no, no corrections. Sshhhh. That's her name. I'll hear naught else.

[D.KnightSpider]

One wonders if we're actually going to get the whole mane cast cameo in their earlier incarnations before we're through.

Almost all of the game's characters have been introduced by this point. There's two roadblock NPCs that'll show up in this chapter and a major-ish character who turns up later on. I'm not entirely up to speed on my pony knowledge, so... possibly? I'm not fully sure to be honest.



Chapter 3: Scene 2: High Grade Styrofoam Padding

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As Rainbow Dash, I left the room/house and made my way onto the streets. A new area to explore. Whoopie. Thankfully, I had seen most of the area when the Breezies had flown me in and summarily abandoned me. I wasn't working entirely cold, but pretty close to it.


http://i.minus.com/iVfTNWQkFINIG.png


Interestingly, none of the houses in Ponyville were locked. All of them had their doors wide open. After a moment's contemplation of this, I decided that it was time for some recon. Mayabe if I talked it up with the locals I'd find a better way to spend my time on this plane of existence.

Because, needless to say, finding more berries was not very high on my bucket list.


http://i.minus.com/iVlcmMJ3rlZ47.png


I entered a nearby house and found it empty. Oh well.


http://i.minus.com/ipPvjQFQ5HF5u.png
http://i.minus.com/iE1kHD6V6paMP.png


Paydirt.


http://i.minus.com/inBkR9qpYCpvH.png


Fool's Gold.

So this was where Sweetberry hung out waiting on others to go get the ingredients. The ingredients that she was too lazy to fetch on her own. Well, that was good to know.

The interior to this place was very... purple. As was Sweetberry herself. I was sensing a theme here, but one that was not easy on the eyes. Ugh. I opted to vacate the area before the building nausea forced my stomach to vacate its contents.

Hopefully, Sweetberry was never involved in a medical emergency. No one would be able to find her in the cafe.


http://i.minus.com/icS0eiQbtylmB.png


(A.N.: Notice that there is now a berry counter in the upper left hand corner of the screen. Notice also that the berry counter was not there in the last screenshot. Yup. You have to talk to Sweetberry to get the Rainbowberry to spawn.)


http://i.minus.com/ibkowT46r8fEOp.png


Was this place designed on a drug trip or something?


http://i.minus.com/iyZ74YE0X2dzl.png


Several long moments passed before I came across a Rainbowberry just lying in the middle of the road. Oh well, so long as no one else wanted it, I was perfectly willing to make good use of it. I picked up the berry with my hooves, brushed off the dirt, and then tucked it under one, er, leg.

I then proceeded to waste a good half-hour turning the town upside down. But no amount of searching, bartering, begging, examination or frustration produced another berry. It was rather odd, but Ponyville didn't seem to have a magical Rainbowberry fountain like Breezie Blossom had-- and hang it all if anyone thought that I was going all the way back there just for treats.

I decided to return to Sweetberry and report failure.

http://i.minus.com/iWyG1iOAyl5qq.png


(A.N.: Further, you'll notice that there's only one berrry icon in the berry counter. For some unfathomable reason, Rarity can only carry one berry at a time-- despite the fact that in the last level she had a hat that could carry multiple berries at a one whack. And only one berry will spawn at a time, you have to find them in sequence in the order that they spawn. So you can't even come across one you can't pick up and make note of its location. Can you say blatant padding?)

A long argument ensued as I insisted that there were no Berries to be found and Sweetberry insisted that I just wasn't trying hard enough. There was just no talking to some super-sugary-sweet people. I stormed from the cafe and decided to further explore the town.


http://i.minus.com/ibgAKPs9t7Yxho.png
http://i.minus.com/ir6GCOMna3bre.png


Oh, wait. There was the castle. Hmm... Wasn't I supposed to go back there for some reason? Oh, right. It wasn't me, per se, that was needed, but Rarity. They had to get her there before the fourth star filled the sky or somesuch or else-- horrors!-- this world would lose all of its rainbows.


http://i.minus.com/ibdRjfIWHPdjeJ.png


Oh, for love of- Well, it was Rarity that was needed, not Rainbow Dash. I went back to the cafe, possessed Rarity, and marched all the way back to the road to the castle... there I was met with the same response. The ponies guarding the castle road refused to let me/Rarity enter the highway.

The sheer stupidity of this gulled me. Rarity was the rainbow princess. Rarity was the only one that, for good or ill, could save their world. And lo and behold, the ponies were far too idiotic to let her save their existence.

It should have been typical at this point, but this world's stupidity never ceased to amaze me..

(A.N.: Yup. The solution to the entire game's plot is sitting right there. But the game's not going to let you do the logical thing and save the world like that. Oh, no. It's got a lot more hoops that you have to jump through before you can even think of resolving anything.)


http://i.minus.com/i16ELmpa0xrM0.png


Well, look at that. Some careless greenhouse pony had left a rainbowberry just casually lying on the floor. Well, Sweetberry had been so demanding of a rainbowberry. I picked it up and stealthily tucked it away where no one could see.

Sure, it was stealing. But, at this point, I was the protagonist. That made it alright, of course. Besides, this world didn't even have a police force. Who was going to arrest or report on me? The Breezies? That would be an absolute joke.

I'll spare you the overly long recap of my running back and forth to gather the berries and hand them to Sweetberry. I'll just hit the highlights. The rest of my search was rather boring.


http://i.minus.com/ibtZ1RJ248ssuF.png
http://i.minus.com/ibrlky9X4izgSK.png
http://i.minus.com/ibigiytRbPb0k6.png
http://i.minus.com/iRdsZYxnnrMcb.png


Finally, after far too much trial and error, I had managed to secure/steal all five of the required rainbowberries. I returned to Sweetberry and triumphantly plopped the last berry down in front of the mangy mare.

At this point, the tasks of Hercules were beginning to look simple compared to the frustrating art of berry picking.

I sighed at the realization that this place was having a mind-numbing effect on me. What had been cause for outrage a few short days ago now elicited a mere sigh, a shake of the head, and frustrated compliance. If I ever did make it back to the Institute, I was going to need a serious memory scrub if I wanted my old life back.

Heck, my notes of this entire expedition are becoming much less formal and much more sloppy as time progresses. Ugh. I can't believe this.


http://i.minus.com/iqJ7OsJTDQ8Nz.png
http://i.minus.com/iMTIKxdr4WQ5z.png


No. No, I would not. But I knew how this would work. Sweetberry was just going to stand by the side and let me do all the work. Because unless I was personally involved in the outcome of a project, it would never see completion.

Did this realm just thrive off of any wayward mental parasites? How had anything been accomplished before the TransWarp malfunction had shunted me here? It boggled the mind to see an entire race of beings so inept at caring for themselves.


http://i.minus.com/iboFnYMlojSDNF.png
http://i.minus.com/ibgcfrgRdsQeB9.png
http://i.minus.com/i1TygpAwahaqE.png


(A.N.: Look familiar? Yeah, this is just a reskinned version of the dress up game from earlier-- just with poorly rendered ice cream instead of dresses and jewelry. There's a timer, so you can at least 'fail' by running out of time and having to try again. It's about as exciting as it looks.)

Sweetberry handed me a picture menu that proudly displayed a few different Sundaes. I wasn't allowed to just put them together willy-nilly, but I had to produce a Sundae that matched the menu.

This was great and all, but weren't we supposed to be making a cake or something? Last I checked, berries weren't a necessary component for ice cream.

Who was I kidding? Nothing about this world made sense any more.


http://i.minus.com/idSCyN9UWHNrO.png
http://i.minus.com/ib1FYiJSrwgW1L.png
http://i.minus.com/i8wsuezgWAIis.png
http://i.minus.com/imRMc62l5CVTq.png
http://i.minus.com/ibhAJbqTj4bi75.png
http://i.minus.com/ibepozfMhUUKc0.png


Wasn't this place the cafe? I was a bit fuzzy on that point by now. Oh, well... It was better at this point to just not fight the madness.

[D.KnightSpider]

Chapter 3: Scene 3: Shake, Prattle and Roll

Upon arriving at the cafe proper, I was greeted with yet another bought of lunacy.


http://i.minus.com/ibss75Lh5N9lyX.png


I could not help but wonder just how these ponies expected to keep the ice cream cold for the celebration. Thus far I had not seen anything even remotely resembling 'modern convenience', and this world seemed far too cutesy to be concerned with refrigeration.

I decided that the ice cream could not possibly be ice cream at all. It had to be some sort of mold-able solid that was scooped out and dished in a similar manner to ice cream, yet was not in any danger of melting or turning to liquid at room temperatures. Some sort of peat moss construct, no doubt.

My reflections were cut short as I found myself abruptly thrown out of Rainbow Dash's body. It was a violent process, but not one that was entirely unexpected. This central hub area seemed to have that effect upon mental parasites such as myself. Once I was free of the area, then I had no problem controlling the ponies. But so long as I was beyond the threshold, I had no means of imposing my will upon them.


http://i.minus.com/ibrmt2zIdYNdBO.png
http://i.minus.com/ibtEW2KJ2sF29p.png
http://i.minus.com/iBpvUH7eZ7IyA.png
http://i.minus.com/ifCPt4w6CsvdY.png


I was not getting involved in this matter, I vowed to myself. I was a free mental agent. No one else even knew that I existed. Since I doubted that I needed food or drink in such a state, I was content to wait here until the TransWarp was repaired and I could take off for home.

The moments ticked by as the other ponies stood around doing absolutely nothing to help Rainbow Dash. Eventually, my boredom got the better of me. I possessed a random pony and set out to help Rainbow Dash. The fact that the ponies were starting to talk about painting their hooves expedited that decision greatly.


http://i.minus.com/i1tpqQMIjF30q.png
http://i.minus.com/iGxhpNSfX0oW8.png
http://i.minus.com/ibnULZl7139dD8.png


Actually, I did. I had no desire to lose my sanity watching a bunch of anthropomorphic ponies squeal about horseshoe color; plus, nothing in this world ever went anywhere unless I was involved. If I wanted to see this plot through and save the world by taking Rarity home (a prospect that I was very much on the fence about.) then I would have to solve your kiting problem first.


http://i.minus.com/ibgVsY9XF7xFxo.png
http://i.minus.com/ijqpu6IBkDHvQ.png


I'm sure that you've all grown tired of listening to me complain about running around doing fetch quests for everyone. I shall, instead, expedite the process by doing a montage. Just, please, remember that a great deal of backtracking and mindless searching took place between each slide.


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Several hours of thievery, extortion, and minor criminal acts later and I had finally satisfied the demands of Slave-Driver Rainbow Dash. Lest I quit prematurely, I was constantly forced to remind myself that it was better than watching horseshoe polish dry-- if only marginally.

I watched in dull observation as Rainbow Dash took the paper, sticks, glue, string and paint. She placed the items on what appeared to be an overly low shelf and waved her hooves over the items. Mumbled words of an incantation left her lips. And then the five items vanished only to be replaced with a single kite.

Whoopie.


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What? Really? I had just run all over creation to find your kite recipe ingredients, and my reward was going to be playing a game of memory match? Ugh. Rainbow Dash could have at least bothered to pay me for the effort with something of substantive value... but, then again, for all intents and purposes I was a wraith. What value did money have to me?

I tried to protest or finangle my way out of playing this insipid game, but the argument was over before it had begun. Rainbow Dash was not going to let me leave until I played her game. I sighed and resigned myself to trying to match cutesy pictures on the back of... each kite?

Wait one moment. Rainbow Dash had taken the procured items and turned them into a kite. That is, one. Singular. How could one possibly play memory match with only one card? Er, kite?


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Wha-buh-huh? Where had all of these other kites come from? And what on earth was Rarity's head doing there on the side of the shelf? I was reasonably sure that I had taken possession of the pony named 'Pinkie Pie'. Although it was hard for me to be sure, I had long ago stopped paying attention to which pony was which. Rarity was nowhere around. What was a bust of her features doing here?

The entire thing made no sense whatsoever. But since I was a captive until the completion of Rainbow Dash's game, I had no choice in the matter. Apparently, there was a sadistic streak in this 'dahlink' pony.


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There, I had solved the puzzle. Could I go now?


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Pro-tip. Next time you kidnap someone and hold them against their will? At least have the decency to ask for a ransom. There have to be much easier ways of playing memory match with people. As far as kidnapping motives go, this one was pretty lame.

Who was I kidding? These ponies probably didn't even understand the concept of kidnapping, much less petty larceny. How else could I explain my ability to walk into ponies' houses and leave with their stuff? Absolutely no one seemed to mind this.

We arrived back at the cafe to see Rarity and... another pony whose name I couldn't be bothered to remember... standing outside of the cafe shooting the breeze.

Too bad they weren't shooting a Breezie. Heh.


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No.

Oh no.

NoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNoNo.

Unnamed pony, you could not be this dumb. You never, ever, ever said that to Rarity. I was an incorporeal spirit and even I knew that. I tried to tell them as much.


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The inevitable happened.


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Blast it all. If anyone was going to save the day and stop Rarity, I knew that it was going to have to be me. I made the jump from Pinkie to Rarity just in time and assumed control of the wayward princess.


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Oh, for crying out loud...


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Some imbecile had left a literal ton of beach balls and flowers lying all over the path. Such were going to hamper my efforts to slow the rollerskating derby horse down. I guided the young mare back and forth, avoiding the trash as best I was able, attempting to spare her from injury.


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Finally, I managed to bring Rarity to a stop. Then, and only then, did I jump clear of the horse and take the air. After that little display, I was fed up with being a pony. I opted to simply stay as a ghost and observe the fallout from Rarity's little irresponsible display.


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Again?


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Yes, that was what I just said, Mrs. Dash. We were most assuredly not doing that again.


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Er, who said anything about this being anyone's fault? I was sensing a trend here. Rarity seemed to have deep seated issues with taking anything remotely resembling responsibility for her reckless behavior.

Hmm... perhaps all of this was just a desperate cry for attention. Was it possible that she was a lonely pony from a broken home who was just desperate for someone to love her? All of her hijinks and silliness would make sense under this theory. The only time that she could get attention was when she was in trouble...

Oh, wait. I was forgetting the fact that she was a complete and total airhead. Nevermind.


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Well, it was about freakin' time you (or anyone else) asked that question. Maybe we could finally make some progress on fixing things around here.

[D.KnightSpider]

Chapter 3: Scene 4: A Spike Among the Thorns

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By this point, I had more or less lost any interest in the plight of the ponies. Thus, I was hardly surprised at the answer to that question.


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Of course they didn't. Considering how utterly useless any of these ponies were, it came as no surprise to me that they didn't know the way to Unicornia. Granted, magical teleportation was involved, but still. The fact that these ponies did not know how to reach their ruling class spoke volumes about the extent of this place's lousy caste syst--

Waaait a moment. I had come across the entrance to the castle but a few short moments ago. The guards had refused to grand me entrance. It was just down the road. If said castle was not the way to Unicornia, or, not where the unicorns lived, what was it?


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Oh, well... that sort of explained it. This was a different castle from the one in Unicornia. And-- Spike? A decidedly masculine name? Holy toledo, you mean that there were actually males on this planet?

I was shocked at how shocked I was. Little ponies had to come from somewhere, yes, but thus far on my journey I had encountered naught but one pony that could possibly have been male. So, not only was there a caste system between Breezie, Pony and Unicorn, but segregation of the sexes as well? This world was more messed up than I had ever expected.


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Curious about this newly discovered male, I decided to tag along with them to the castle.

Wouldn't you know it. The guards had left, allowing me and the other ponies unfettered access to the facilities. Grand.

(A.N.: I didn't exactly lie. The solution to the game's plot was indeed beyond the castle. It's just that, well, if you'll forgive the cliche... the unicorn was in another castle.)


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Of course, he would be. Why on earth would he be any place that's easily accessible? Everything on this forsaken realm had to be as pointlessly convoluted as possible.

And we couldn't just settle in and wait for him. Oh, no. We would have to wander out into the hedge maze and get hopelessly lest else our paths would never meet. I knew it as certainly as I existed.


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Case in point.


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Rarity, being the ADHD princess that she was, was immediately yanked away from the task at hand by a series of flashing lights. I observed, drolly, as the pink pony became heavily invested in a pinball table.

I marveled at that. Apparently, the higher sciences such as light bulbs and computer programming were reserved solely for game tables. Fun.


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Apparently, a world without rainbows took a back seat to besting a male pony's pinball score.


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Ten minutes later, I had grown bored with this entire proceeding. I simply possessed Rarity, forced her away from the machine, and took her outside to the hedge maze. At this point, the main plot was more exciting than watching that little ball bearing slowly slide down the table.

Upon arriving at the garden, I was startled by something big and purple. I didn't get a good look at the thing. As soon as it saw us, it turned around and shot into the hedge maze at extremely high speed. Shy little thing.

Apparently, Ponyville had a serious bug problem.

Nonplused, we journeyed farther into the hedge maze. The little purple thing kept bouncing in and out of our path, as though toying with us.


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Hmm... This appeared to be the center of the hedge maze, yet there was no Spike to be seen. Interesting...


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This was Spike. Spike was less a pony and more of a...


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Prankster purple muppet dragon. Joy. Well, at least I could cross rampant sexism off the list of ponyland atrocities. It was starting to look like the males of this place were simply an astounding minority. I decided that I'd rather just live in ignorance than attempt to discern the social impact of such a state of affairs.


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Spike was also suffering from the perils of old age forgetfulness. Joy of joys. We were trusting our fates to a forgetful purple dragon the size of a large grapefruit.

Was I the only one seeing anything wrong with this picture?


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Doing what? Nothing had happened. Everything had been perfectly still for the past few moments while you were poring over those old books. Maybe my jest had been closer to reality than I'd expected. Was this old coot seeing things?

Spike wandered around the room for a few moments before stopping in front of Rarity.


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Doing WHAT? You couldn't just act like something was happening when nothing was. Ugh.


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You mean, the magic wand that is lying there peacefully and not doing anything at all?


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Wait for it...


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Wait for it...


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Now! Cue shock and horror!


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So predictable. It was saddening.


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Hasn't this been established, like, a thousand times already?


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Yes, it is. Which has nothing directly to do with the asked question, and simply serves to make you look like a smarty-pants.


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Welcome to five minutes ago, dahlink. Rarity wasn't the only one that wanted to get home. I wanted out of this insanity something fierce. That TransWarp had better be fixed soon. Otherwise I was going to lose it and just break down with madness.


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[Aotrs Commander]

And poor, long suffering Spike joins the menagerie of mangled mane cast members...

Though I'm actually sorta comforted that Spike has been in at least three generations of pony.

[D.KnightSpider]

Fair warning. From here on out, the game devolves into a pile of cutscenes whose length would make Hideo Kojima proud. There really is no good place to stop in this chapter. So grab your popcorn and hang onto your socks. We're going to ride this crazy train all the way to the end. As a result.


This Post is Extremely Image Heavy.
(Seriously. You might want to go do something else while it loads.)


Behold as the developer's realize: "Oh, snap! We've got to wrap this up and tack on some shoehorned moral about responsibility that makes no sense!?"

Chapter 4: Scene 1: Dippin' Crane Dots

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My options at this point were rather limited. I could either stay in Ponyville and slowly lose my mind to the attempted colorful cuteness, or I could follow after Rarity and Spike. Given that everyone in this world had the attention span of a couch-potato cricket, I opted to follow after Rarity and co. After all, as we've been told a thousand times, should anything happen to Rarity, then the world would lose its rainbows. We all knew what a disaster that would be.


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I was at a loss as to why this was suddenly a concern. Nothing I had seen thus far about 'Dahlink' Rainbow Dash indicated that she was afraid of dirt. Then again, maybe it wasn't Rainbow Dash's obsession about cleanliness, but Rarity's.

Nah. There was no way I could fit that into my perception of her. The 'Dahlink' was probably just afraid of messing up her hoof-polish or something.


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[IMG]http://i.minus.com/ibls1lxQMaCwBn.png


That seemed like an awkward sentence transition, but who was I to judge?


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We left Rainbow Dash behind and went on our merry little way. Since Spike seemed half-way competent, I left Spike and Rarity to handle themselves and contented myself with just floating along beside them in ghost form.

It was odd, really, I found myself more comfortable being an unnoticed spirit than having a fleshly body. It allowed me to distance myself from the mindless insanity and retain some small measure of normalcy.

Also, was it my imagination or were we passing the same set of trees over and over and over? Spike hadn't gotten us lost, had he?


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Yes, we were. This place had some very unusual geography.


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It boggled my mind. We were quite literally racing to save the world lest it turn into an old black and white cartoon, and yet none of these ponies dared to take the gravity of the situation seriously. Time was short, but they saw absolutely nothing wrong with spending a few hours drawing indecipherable doodles of the hillside.

I'm sure that that would be a fine excuse for losing all of your rainbows. "Oh, so sorry, Queen Unicorn. We couldn't get back to Unicornia in time because we just had to stop and draw pictures of this cute little mountain range!"

Sergeant Rock's company, this wasn't.

(A.N.: The control scheme for this is the same as previously. Up/Down/Left/Right move the wand. L/R select your color/ A lets you draw.)


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I stared at the drawings in disbelief. I had seen dot-matrix printers that could do a better job of rendering ASCII art than these two ponies seemed capable of doing. Having been inside their bodies, I knew that that was not how the ponies perceived the world. Yet... ugh... Chalk up another item from which I would be glad to escape.


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Apparently, it wasn't just Breezies who felt the need to sound off about everything. (Although, I was slightly lost as to why Minty would question Spike's navigation skills and then an instant later agree that they should stay on his course-- without Spike offering the slightest shred of proof to that effect.) Several more moments were lost to the tides of time. Spike called on each pony to validate him with a 'Right' and each pony replied in turn.

Minty, Pinky Pie and Rainbow Dash all shouted 'Right' in turn. But when Spike called on Rarity... we came to a stark realization.

Rarity wasn't there.


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I darted forward, attempting a possession before the inevitable happened. Confound it all! The little squirt had walked right up to the edge of a cliff and attempted to grab a fluttering yellow butterfly. What was it with this child's complete lack of common sense? She was old enough to know better!

Once again, I was struck by the absurdity of it all. This was the one who was supposed to renew the world's rainbows. Ponlyland's hero, folks.


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I was far too late. Rarity tumbled off the cliff, taking the others with her.


http://i.minus.com/ibl5lq42IexYtJ.png


Oh well. Too bad. No more rainbows for this world.

Who was I fooling? So long as I was here, I was honor bound to overcome their rank idiocy and make sure that things turned out the way that they should. I took over Rainbow Dash and began making plans to enact a less than daring rescue.


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Fortunately, the world had taken pity on the ponies. Instead of dashing themselves to pieces against the hard rocky outcroppings, the ponies had landed in some overly soft water (which is much better than your typical hard water). They had managed to climb onto some oversized lily pads... all we had to do was retrieve them.

What? Do you honestly think I would make something this ridiculous up? I didn't understand it either. But given the way the rest of this world acted, I was beyond caring at this point.


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I quickly found some large vines and tied it around one of RD's suitcases. Now, to utilize my powerful carnival game skills and enact my daring crane-game rescue operation.

Yes, my plan really was that crazy.


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In short order, we had rescued the ponies. It really was not that difficult. All we had to do was feed the rope down the cliff so that the ponies could grab it. Somehow, Spike and I were able to effortlessly wrangle the others to the surface. Either rainbowberries were extremely low in calorie, rendering the other ponies were ridiculously light, or RD was just an overly strong pony.

It was hard to tell which was which, really.


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I let the obvious jokes about fabulous rainbows pass. There was nothing clever or witty about it. Much to my chagrin, however, little airheaded Rarity's response was entirely too predictable.


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It was times like these when I wished Jane were here. She could easily talk me down from committing murder.



Intermission: Jumping the Snark

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A) You two just said the same thing in two entirely different ways. B) How could you possibly know this if you have no idea where Rarity is? Just last intermission you were bemoaning about how you couldn't find her anywhere. So either you're making all of this up, or ponyland is so small that it can be covered in two days and Rarity has done nothing but stay motionless during that time.

... Given this game's presentation, I could actually see (B) being a workable scenario. Provided that roller skates aren't part of the equation.


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I'd like to point out again that horses do not sleep lying down. But, then, horses don't act like these ponies do. They're much smarter.


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Given the paltry amount of animation that this game has, it's amusing when the blinking animation cooperates with my screencapping. Here, I can easily imagine BB being pained at the thought and thinking: "Please say 'no'. Please say 'no'." due to intense sleep deprivation.

Or, better still, she's so bored out of her skull by Cherilee that she just wants to escape into her dreams for the duration.


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This is what passes for humor in this game, folks. Laugh! Laugh! We're funny, dang you! Laugh! Please laugh. We'll give you a lollipop. No really.

That said, the humor of this game just really does not work. It lacks any timing or cleverness about it. I get that they're marketing this for the youngest common denominator, but even taking that into consideration, it's not even amusing.

Really, it's a product of this game's design philosophy as a whole. Everything that happens is shoehorned. All of the mini-games are strung together with extremely weak justifications and blatant padding, and then covered over with RAINBOWS! WE'RE GOING TO LOSE OUR RAINBOWS!

The problem is that you have everyone freaking out about Rainbows every five seconds and then gleefully drawing pictures every two seconds after. It makes for a strange schizm that turns all of the ponies into raving lunatics.

Imagine if you had this conversation in real life:

"THE WORLD WILL END IN FIVE MINUTE-- Oh, would you like to play a game?

I rest my case.


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And Now, Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Broadcast.

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What was this? I mused quietly. Remorse? Could it be that Rarity was starting to exhibit some signs of maturity? I watched and waited as Rarity turned her eyes overhead and searched the stars for something. It was odd, really. A portion of my mind started to feel just an ounce of sympathy for her...

Then I remembered all that she had put me through and any such concern vanished instantaneously.


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(A.N.: Is it just me or does that look less like a unicorn and more like a pig?)

Having found no answer in the skies above, Rarity turned her thoughts back to earth and began walking about the little encampment. There, her reflections turned personal.


http://i.minus.com/iP2dEjGH2f1VK.png
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Her thoughts started off typical, but then abruptly changed pace. I was mildly amused by this. Rarity seemed to be trying to engage in her little blame games and failing miserably.


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If you wanted to be extremely technical about it, it was all my fault. I was the one possessing your body when you vanished from Unicornia. Granted, I was extremely disoriented and had no idea what was transpiring at the time, but, eh, I wasn't about to tell her that and undermine what little character development Rarity was getting.


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Will Rarity get back to Unicornia in time? Will Cherilee and her posse stumble across these other wayward ponies? Will Ponyland lose its rainbows forever? Should we even care about any of this?

FIND OUT NEXT TIME!

[D.KnightSpider]

Let's wrap this up.

Chapter 4: Scene 2: A Moral Tacked On

Several hours passed, and then...


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Spike's schtick was wearing thin for me, but at least it had come in handy. Somehow, through the power of a running gag, he had located three wayward unicorns. It didn't take me long to recognize them as the same three from the castle: Cherilee and her two lackeys.

Never before had I been so glad to see a mythological creature. Surely these three would know the way back to Unicornia. And, should such actually be the case, then maybe everyone would stop screaming about rainbows and the heat death of the universe.


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We know, Spike. We know.

That doesn't make it any more tolerable, however.


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Thus began a long round of introductions as every pony began introducing every other pony. Spike (apparently he was less a beetle and more of a dragon), Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie and then Cherilee, Brights Brightly and Whistle Wishes were introduced in turn.

It was all rather redundant to me at this point, but what else could be done? Not everyone was a body-swapping mental ghost that had been exposed to all sides of this realm. Some people, er, ponies, were limited to one viewpoint only.

Lucky ponies. I was rather looking forward to being physical again.


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Actually, you appeared to be the same size as every other pony/unicorn. So I would say that you were still rather little and quite immature. Fortunately, I was incorporeal so it didn't matter if I said it or not. No one could hear me. It was strangely liberating and yet entirely depressing all at the same time.


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I stared at the group of ponies blankly, attempting to discern their meaning. Then it hit me. Right. The carriage. The... carriage?

You mean to tell me that the wand was nothing more than some sort of fancy remote starter? I distracted myself from the thought by recalling that it was also a teleporter, fairy-bopper and ice cream maker.


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Another round of twirling and dancing pathetic attempts at cuteness passed. Amazingly enough, they were able to handle this one problem without my direct intervention. Maybe there was hope for them yet.

I sat back and watched as the area was lit up with a bright light and then the beetle-shaped carriage appeared... What was it with this place and its strange insect fascinations? Everything non-pony had strange insect connotations.

And then the floor fell out from under our feet.


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Welp, so much for the rainbows. Right. Like we were just going to sit there and let the entire world fall into chaos. It was time for drastic action. I shot over and possessed Rarity for what I hoped would be the final time.

This was it. Nothing could be left to chance. We needed someone who could drive like a maniac-- and I had the traffic tickets to qualify.


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The techies at the Institute would have a field day with this thing. It lacked any kind of visible mechanical propulsion, yet it had, pardon the pun, horsepower to spare. It also handled like a dream. Interesting.

I idly wondered if it would be possible to take one of these things with me to my own dimension. The thought was banished as quickly as it had come. Such was not permitted. Besides, I had a star to beat.

I hit the gas. Not even bothering to remember that astronomy did not work this way.


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I quickly discovered that, contrary to all expectations, the clouds were particularly dense. Ramming into one didn't damage the carriage, but it did slow things down tremendously. I made a note not to do that too much. Otherwise the star would pull ahead and I'd be unable to save the world. And we definitely wouldn't want that. Otherwise I'd never hear the end of the lack of rainbows.


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All in all, though, it was a piece of cake.


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I released my grip on Rarity. I had done all that I could. What transpired from here on out would be their doing, not mine. Mostly because I did not have the faintest idea how to go about creating a rainbow, so I wasn't going to try my hand at it.


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Apparently, one created a rainbow by standing around and staring at each other blankly. That was... rather unexpected. I had expected something with a bit more pizzazz to it. Summoning the coach required a magical dance and twirl. Surely creating rainbows should require a magical incantation at the least.


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Find a new national past time?


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Or that worked, too.


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If you say so, kid. I seem to remember a different set of events, but, hey. If you wanted to rewrite history, be my guest.


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Um. Alright. I would think that that's a bit blunt given the situation, since Cherilee is feeling far less than cherry. A little empathy might help you whereas copping an attitude might not.


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Then again, what did I know?


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(A.N.: Yup. After all of that, you're rewarded with the exact same graphic that you see every time you turn on the game. Only you don't get to see all of it because of the text boxes! Is that satisfying or what?)


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I won't bother to say that I understand any of this, but at least I won't have to listen to them gripe about a lack of rainbows now. I sighed. Now with that crisis averted, maybe I could have some peace until the TransWarp was repaired.


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Unfortunately, I was not. Oh, well. A little pomp and circumstance couldn't hurt anything by this point. Maybe it would redeem them in my eyes a little.

The world began to turn gray. Puzzled, I cast my gaze about the area only to find that everything had begun to turn black and white. Not only that, but things were starting to slow down as well. Each pony was moving in slow motion.

Everything clicked into place. A TransWarp was taking place. I was going home. I smiled as the world turned black... Home. Finally.



Chapter 5

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(A.N.: And that's it. The last "chapter"-- if you can call it that-- is simply running around Unicornia and finding all of the ponies. Then the game shows Rarity on the castle steps giving her one liner and then it's rolling credits. I won't bother to show those off in full, because it's just a bunch of scrolling names with random ponies walking by underneath them... and, frankly, it's about as exciting as it sounds.)



Epilogue

And then I opened my eyes. The clean, white walls of the Institute's medical bay bore down at me. I blinked again. I could feel the motion of my eyelids opening and closing. Relief and joy flooded through me.

I bolted upright and was rewarded with the sense of gravity trying to bring me back down. Laughter fell from my lips. I could feel things again. The sheets pressed against my lower torso and the bunk felt firm beneath me. Sensation existed.

I was alive again.

A loud 'meow' drew my attention. I shifted to find a pure white cat peering at me from atop the nightstand. There she was. At long last.

"I'm back, Jane." I said with an uncharacteristic grin. "I'm finally back."

The feline let loose a happy purr and then leaped off the side table. Mid-flight, she began to stretch and grow, transforming from a small white housecat into a normal-sized teenaged girl-- albeit one with ears and a tail-- clothed in an equally white jumper. Jane twisted about and landed in a sit next to me on the bed.

"I was worried." Jane said after a long sigh.

"We all were." The voice of the Director reached my ear.

I turned to find him standing in the doorway. His usually impassive face was lined and his eyes red. It was apparent that he hadn't been sleeping lately.

"We tried several times to bring you back, but each transfer failed." He said slowly, deliberately. "Then, something changed in the dimension's make-up. There was a sudden influx in its magical energy. Whatever it was, it provided enough of an opening to bring you home."

My jaw dropped. The rainbows. Could it possibly be that they had played a role in my return? No. Surely that was madness. The TransWarp worked off of scientific principles, not magical ones. But the timing, surely that could not just be coincidence?

I shelved those thoughts. What was done was done. Right now, all I wanted was a hot bath and a good meal. The time for emotion was past. I was back in a world that made sense. It was now necessary to start employing logic again.

"But you did bring me back; for that I am grateful." I punctuated that sentence with an allowed smile. "My time as a ghost was, well, less than enlightening, but a good reminder of how much it means to be human."

"It's good that you came through that in one piece. We were worried about your sanity." It was the Director who voiced that concern.

"He was worried. I wasn't." The pride was evident in Jane's voice.

"It's not an experience that I desire to repeat, but I was in no danger of being mentally taxed. Far from it, actually."

"Nevertheless, I want you to report to the psychiatrist at oh-eight-hundred tomorrow." There was no room for debate in the Director's voice. "And then you're taking at least a week's leave."

I nodded, not at all feeling up to arguing the point.

"Mr. Director." I said. "Words cannot describe how good that sounds."

I reached over and scratched the top of Jane's head. She purred.

It was good to be in reality once again.


Final Thoughts:
That wraps up My Little Pony: Crystal Princess: The Runaway Rainbow. It's... not a good game, to be honest, for reasons that have already been explored in depth.

I won't go over old ground explaining why that is. Instead, let me thank you for putting up with this cluttered thread and my bobbering attempts at an LP. I had fun with it, so it fulfilled one of its intended purposes. I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did writing up Sherry's POV and the overall story.

Although, for old time's sake... let's have one final nitpick. This is the game's title:


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And it lies to you. This game has nothing to do with a runaway rainbow.

Shame on you, game.


~Fin

[Aotrs Commander]

Commendations for going above and beyond and seeing that abomination through to the finish.

That game was, in a nutshell, basically everything that the new series was created not to be, i.e. lazy, banal, patronising and uncreative. It seems to exemplify the whole "it's for kids and moreover, for young girls, so there's no need to bother even trying, we can just eke out any old crap and call it a day."

It depresses me that this is likely to be far from the last game that will suffer from this, even if MLP has largely moved on, mercifully (though the quality of the so-far only official game I'm aware of - though higher than this - is not good from general accounts...)