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Taet
2013-05-25, 11:53 PM
tl;dr: When you don't want to game, but want to spend time around gamers, what do you do?

Before we met, we were gamers. He played board games. I played pen and paper. He painted minis. I LARPed. Then we met and all that stopped, because we weren't lonely any more. Not long ago he picked up the paintbrush again. He's good at it, I was surprised, never got to see the old ones. Now he started watching YouTube videos of minis game combat, and live board games being played. Soon, probably, he'll be looking for a game to use them in.

Question #0: Is this any of my business? Should I just turn down the invite, because he will invite me too once he finds a group, although I kind of miss gaming too?

If it is my business, then I've got to figure out how to stop being bored enough to quit playing the games. It's like Order of the Stick #606 except I don't like Cheetos. So it's not exactly the gaming I miss.

I like gamers. I like the jokes, I like rule of cool, I think I could learn to like this forum. I like eloquent alignment arguments. I can't optimize on my own but I can follow a template. Rolling dice while other people argue about the nuances of northeast vs. north-northeast bores me senseless. But I'm lonely too. I've got to change myself and be less frustrated with out-of-character time. So. How?

warty goblin
2013-05-26, 12:55 AM
I'm guessing this is in the context of a romantic relationship?

If you don't want to game, don't game. Let him game, and do something else you want to do on those nights. If you do want to game, accept that a certain amount of being bored out of your skull is the anti you pay to do so, and proceed accordingly.

There are other things you can do with people besides game. Try a book club, or take of some other hobby with a social component.

BWR
2013-05-26, 04:23 AM
You kind of miss gaming but don't like arguments.
Perhaps you just need to find a group that doesn't get bogged down in minutiae like that.
Ask yourself: would you enjoy a game where there was a lot of roleplaying, a lot of story and people didn't argue about minor issues all the time?

If the answer is yes, voice your desires and dislikes beforehand and give it a shot. If people are told in advance what you like and dislike, they will often make an effort to accomodate. If it doesn't work out, people will not be too upset when you pull out.

Amphetryon
2013-05-26, 05:50 AM
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.”


― Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

TL;DR: There's nothing wrong with finding that there are some things you prefer to do apart, while still being "together."

valadil
2013-05-26, 10:55 AM
Do you have to play to be there? I had a player drop out of my game because he was having anxiety issues and the game system was stressing him out. He kept telling me he missed hanging out though so I told him he was welcome to spectate. That worked great. He got in on dinner with us, hung out, cracked jokes, and then played on his phone when the rest of us took the game too seriously.

Water_Bear
2013-05-26, 11:11 AM
I can tell you from experience; there are few things that suck the fun out of a game like having a partner who doesn't want to be there but feels obligated to.

My Ex suffered through a year of D&D she didn't enjoy because she refused to get that there was no reason to be there if she wasn't having fun and we could actually survive not being together one night a week. Please save yourself the aggravation, make your decision solely on the basis of whether you want to play.

Pink
2013-05-26, 01:26 PM
Do you have to play to be there? I had a player drop out of my game because he was having anxiety issues and the game system was stressing him out. He kept telling me he missed hanging out though so I told him he was welcome to spectate. That worked great. He got in on dinner with us, hung out, cracked jokes, and then played on his phone when the rest of us took the game too seriously.

I would totally ask if you're allowed to spectate. As a GM I've had several spectators in the past, some who were just kinda visiting the group, some who were regular friends that just kinda showed up to hang. For the most part, I haven't had a problem with it, and have even enjoyed it to a certain degree. I think it's an option that might work for you if you want to hang with the other gamers, but actually being a player doesn't appeal.

TuggyNE
2013-05-26, 06:30 PM
Yeah, I second (third?) the spectator options; one of my less-nerdy friends liked to just hang out and watch the chaos unfold, rather than having to play a character. It was probably just as well, since our group at the time had like 8 players.

the OOD
2013-05-26, 10:06 PM
I recommend spectating, but another thing you can try is being your (boyfriend?)'s familiar , spirit adviser, etc., this enables you to:

A) roleplay when you want to("look sharp, I don't trust that shifty little gnome"),

B) interact with the world in a less mechanical way(fly over the plaza looking for the limping man),

C) sit back and watch when you aren't interested(While the party is number-crunching its way through the kobold tunnels for an hour and a half).

I have tried this when I want to hang with friends, but don't want to play call or cuthlu or whatever they are doing.

Taet
2013-05-27, 05:48 PM
I think the familiar or henchman idea might just work! Simply not playing is OK for one person at a time but it does snap that special bond when all the people in the room are playing the same game. There's the little difference between not caring at all about the NE vs. NNE argument, because you're roleplaying and want to go Leeroy Jenkins it in hope of having your ears chopped off, and not caring at all because you're not involved.

And Amphetryon, I know you couldn't have known, but could we please, please, please not cite my parents' wedding vows? :smalltongue: He does fantasy baseball and I don't, and there aren't gamer geeks there. I do book clubs and he doesn't, and there's no geeks there at all.

Over the weekend, I have to add, he also tried a couple of iPad versions of board games out on both of us. They're not roleplaying but they worked. Maybe we can buy a boxed version and play 'bait a geek' by playing that in public. Handing the iPad back and forth to make moves worked, but felt weird.

prufock
2013-05-30, 07:05 AM
tl;dr: When you don't want to game, but want to spend time around gamers, what do you do?

Invite them to do things other than play games? I - I really don't see why this is a big issue. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean you can't have separate hobbies.

Or suggest other games that are more your style? DM-less, diceless, or whatever.

Or just find other people to hang out with while he's playing games?

neonchameleon
2013-05-30, 08:38 AM
tl;dr: When you don't want to game, but want to spend time around gamers, what do you do?

Before we met, we were gamers. He played board games. I played pen and paper. He painted minis. I LARPed. Then we met and all that stopped, because we weren't lonely any more. Not long ago he picked up the paintbrush again. He's good at it, I was surprised, never got to see the old ones. Now he started watching YouTube videos of minis game combat, and live board games being played. Soon, probably, he'll be looking for a game to use them in.

Question #0: Is this any of my business? Should I just turn down the invite, because he will invite me too once he finds a group, although I kind of miss gaming too?

If it is my business, then I've got to figure out how to stop being bored enough to quit playing the games. It's like Order of the Stick #606 except I don't like Cheetos. So it's not exactly the gaming I miss.

I like gamers. I like the jokes, I like rule of cool, I think I could learn to like this forum. I like eloquent alignment arguments. I can't optimize on my own but I can follow a template. Rolling dice while other people argue about the nuances of northeast vs. north-northeast bores me senseless. But I'm lonely too. I've got to change myself and be less frustrated with out-of-character time. So. How?

There are two answers to that.

1: No gaming is better than bad gaming.
2: Find games you both enjoy.

Talk to him and find out what he enjoys - there's a lot of scope for minis in roleplaying games for one. If it's utterly incompatable, then just turn down the offer. But I doubt they will be - no RPG is pure and unless he's an All Eurogames boardgamer (which minis players are) I doubt his tastes are pure either. The origins of D&D are, after all, from Dave Arneson thinking so far outside the box in a refereed wargame that he made the thing look ridiculous (http://eudaimonaiaclaughter.wordpress.com/2012/12/17/tabletop-roleplaying-games-back-where-we-started/). OSR Games (especially Adventurer/Conqueror/King) come to mind. Or if he's a Warhammer fan, there was the "classic narrative" of a WFRP campaign by which you play the RPG - and use your characters in big battles. (I wonder if you can do the same between Warmachine/Hordes and the Iron Kingdoms RPG).

If he enjoys the intellectual challenge presented by wargames, then suggest really old D&D to him. Where you are in character trying to overcome overwhelming obstacles by lateral thinking and really smart play that people would do IRL but there aren't actually rules for in wargames. Or even modern D&D (especially 4e) where you act in character and work to overcome challenges - and his minis also have a big use.

And then for step on up play there are some very very good modern RPGs that have a lot of roleplaying. Leverage (http://rpg.drivethrustuff.com/product/85727/Leverage-Roleplaying-Game) springs to mind where the players start with incomplete information, then need to plan a con or heist. Simple rules, but the challenge is coming up with the heist then outthinking the complications. Or Apocalypse World (http://apocalypse-world.com/) (which has a PVP element - always an issue between partners) springs to mind. (For that matter most modern RPGs handwave the minutae you don't like, with the only exceptions I can think of being games like Torchbearer (http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/burningwheel/torchbearer) where that sort of detail can be the difference between life and death).

On the flipside, there are plenty of boardgames you can treat as RPGs and play entirely in character, making decisions that make sense. Zombicide springs to mind as a good one.

Or to echo everyone else don't try to force having your hobbies together. But there's a lot of overlap between wargames, boardgames, and RPGs especially when you look at the right one. However you both need to know what the other gets out of their games to find a good overlap.