A low magic world

[Raunchel]

Hello everyone,

I have started to work on a setting to be used in some low magic games. I know that it is fragmentary, so far I have only written a bit for one of the world's major religions, and I would be very thankful for some feedback.

The teachings of Melasophia
The teachings of Melasophia the Golden are a dominant force in Thyrene. It was founded by the philosopher Melasophia who once was a priestess of the Four of the Compass. In Thyrene the power of the lords was absolute and raids on villages were common. The people were powerless and often became the victim of the oppressive rulers. She came to doubt when her hometown was burned despite her and the people’s prayers to him. She fled into the mountains where she spent five years in solitude, living from what she could scavenge and thinking over her place in the world. In the lonely nights she dreamed about the realm of the dead and the truth of the world. She wrote these findings in clay tablets which she fired next to the small hut that she inhabited. This hut currently is the center of a major pilgrimage site.

She dreamed that the human body was only a temporal vessel for the eternal soul, which after death would be reborn into a new body in one of the infinite other worlds that she saw. The place of the soul would depend on the deeds done in life, someone who did evil would be reborn in a lower place and vice-versa. She stated that the greatest evil was to slay the innocent. She preached charity to the poor and wished to end their suffering at the hands of cruel lords.

After five years Melasophia returned to civilization, which had remained unchanged. She started to preach her doctrine of a simple, humble life and wherever she spoke more would join her, destroying the old temples. Soon the priests declared her to be a force of evil and an army was gathered to march against her and her many lowborn followers by king Heiron IV. Normally this would have quickly ended her movement but the king’s younger brother, Druson, saw an opportunity and declared his support for Melasophia and that his brother was a false king.

Many joined him, seeing a chance for advancement and the Teacher soon found herself with an actual army around her. She told her companions that she would rather not fight, but before she could stop the battle she was assassinated, Druson claimed that the unbelievers did this, but bad tongues claim that it was ordered by him. This enraged her army and the battle that followed was one of the most bloody ever fought in Thyrene, everyone who stood against them was slaughtered. Seventeen thousand perished in the battle and the king was betrayed by his bodyguards who delivered his head to Druson.

What followed was one of the bloodiest wars ever fought, the priests gathered large forces and many nobles were frightened by this new faith and marched against it. Druson proved to be a capable leader, and won several battles until he met his end when he rode into the newly conquered town of Gurala. A fanatic devotee of the four had hidden himself in the burned rubble of a house and when he passed a crossbow bolt was launched, striking him in the face and ending his life.

His son succeeded him as Druson II and led the war effort, but armies arrived from Mar, fighting for the Four. This war continued for twenty-four years and was finally ended when Mar faced a succession crisis and its armies were forced with withdraw. This allowed the followers of Melasophia to break the resistance of the unbelievers at the third battle of Rinth. Almost four million are believed to have perished in the fighting.

This happened almost four hundred years ago and her teachings are now firmly established in Thyrene, and there are secret followers in Mar and Lystol. The faith is preached by teachers who have studied copies of the clay tablets of Melasophia, which are still kept in the Great Temple of Malasophial, the king’s seat which has been renamed after the Golden Teacher. This also is the place where the highest teachers reside to decide on the doctrine. There have been several disagreements about this, and they often end in bloodshed. Kings also try to influence the interpretations to better suit their policies, and there now are some who consider the establishment to be corrupt and who belief that it should be thoroughly purged to return to the original message of peace and nonviolence. Even though violence of course is permitted to be used against enemies of the faith, which usually is twisted to be everyone that one disagrees with.

[Grinner]

It needs work.

Melasophia has got a serious case of Mary Sue going, and it would help if you framed the conflict a bit. What were the primary tenets of the previous dominant religions? Why did people cleave to her? What was so special about her that they would throw away their lives over her death?

The narrative also jumps around a bit. Take this for instance:
The place of the soul would depend on the deeds done in life, someone who did evil would be reborn in a lower place and vice-versa. She stated that the greatest evil was to slay the innocent, but her followers have easily twisted that to slaying a true believer, and enemies of course never truly believe.

That last statement should be incorporated into the end, as the narrative is otherwise in chronological order.

The third paragraph should be split in two and completely rewritten. Most would consider an entire army a bit of an overreaction to just one prophet. And hundred of thousands killed in a single battle? Historically, most wars aren't that costly. Hell, Sauron almost conquered Middle-Earth with half as many troops.

[Raunchel]

Thanks for the feedback, when I reread it things indeed seem confusing. I have been unclear about the battle and especially about what happens afterwards, so I have altered that. The death toll for the overal war is immense at four million, but that can happen, when you look at examples like the thirty years war. Most of the casualties will have been the innocent villagers and townsfolk who would have had their food taken by the rampaging armies.

[JusticeZero]

Melasophia has got a serious case of Mary Sue goingThere's no reason why a holy text can't be written with all the historical accuracy and realism of a young adult romance novel. :smallbiggrin: The historical accuracy may be in question, too; most people won't fact check, and if the religion is popular, it may even be criminal to disagree with the approved history.

[Raunchel]

There's no reason why a holy text can't be written with all the historical accuracy and realism of a young adult romance novel. :smallbiggrin: The historical accuracy may be in question, too; most people won't fact check, and if the religion is popular, it may even be criminal to disagree with the approved history.

That basically is why she seems to be so perfect, and of course anything even vaguely negative about the great teacher will be very, very illegal. Like disagreeing about the truth of religion in the stereotypical Middle Ages.

This is the next major religion: The Four of the Compass
This is the ancient religion of Mar and once also was the dominant force in Thyrene. The basic belief is that there are four gods, each one corresponding to a point of the compass, a time of the day and a season. The gods are said to listen to prayers, but because they are opposed to each other they bargain to further their agendas, being equal in power. Their primary interest however is not in the mortal world, but in the world beyond where they bargain with each other for the souls of the dead. These souls then go to the realm of the god who has won them, to be done with as the god pleases. This belief has led to the practice of putting to death criminals after a great person has died, to ensure that his soul will not be taken by one of the evil gods.

Menal is the god of the North, the Night and Lord of Winter. He is widely considered to be the most abundantly good god because he keeps the blistering heat away and has given humanity love and poetry. He also is the god of healing and the bringer of law.

Zekaï is the god of the East, of spring and dawn. He is the god of trade, lies and thievery. He seeks to lure people with his falsehoods and is the originator of false religions, especially of the teachings of Melasophia.

Ishail is the goddess of the South, summer and day. She also is the lady of fire and has given humanity hard work, her curse against their easy lives. Ishail has brought the world war and hatred and desires the downfall of all those who don’t bow to her. There isn’t anyone who openly prays to her although sometimes people are accused of doing so. These are almost always put to death when a notable dies.

Renash is the goddess of the West, fall and dusk. She is the good goddess and leads the terrible summer away into the winter. She is the goddess of fertility, birth and overall life. She gave the people agriculture to feed themselves and is vehemently opposed to Zekaï.

In every settlement in Mar there are temples devoted to Renash and Menal, and the worship of all other gods is forbidden. Priestesses serve at the temples of Renash which often are connected to schools while Menal is served by priests who are well-versed in the healing arts.

[Grinner]

There's no reason why a holy text can't be written with all the historical accuracy and realism of a young adult romance novel. :smallbiggrin: The historical accuracy may be in question, too; most people won't fact check, and if the religion is popular, it may even be criminal to disagree with the approved history.

I thought about that actually. :smallwink: The problem is that the piece doesn't appear to be intradiegetic dogma, seeing as how it also criticizes her religion at certain points.