View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY Survive the Attack

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2013-06-05, 10:53 PM
Alright, so here's the basic idea of this little game. Basically, I'll state an attack, and the next person has to explain how they survived. You are not allowed to just say 'I dodged it', because that's unoriginal. After avoiding the attack, describe an attack for the next person in the same post, then they'll dodge and attack, and it just goes on and on. Be creative with attacks and defenses. I'll start it off...

I cast Slay Living on the next poster.

2013-06-05, 11:04 PM
I use Blink, and wink out of this plane as the spell whizzes past the space where I was harmlessly.

I dispel the Blink, shrink down to a fraction of an inch, crawl into your ear, find your brain and sever your central nervous system.

2013-06-05, 11:19 PM
Psych! That was a dummy I keep around for decoy purposes. You should feel yourself disintegrating any moment now!

I lob a Total Annihilation spell at TPBM.

2013-06-05, 11:46 PM
I turn the computer off, thus rendering your attack null!

By spending an inordinate amount of time and money, I install enough rockets on the far side of the moon to knock it from its orbit and onto you!

(Collateral damage? What's that?)

2013-06-06, 12:00 AM
I Meld into Stone to phase through the moon's surface as it strikes me and wait till it passes through to the other side. Meld into Stone doesn't work that way? Let me see your player's handbook *scribbles for a bit* well it does now

I plant the seeds of death itself throughout your body causing it to crumble and die.

2013-06-06, 08:54 AM
I plant seeds from the fruit of the tree of life inside myself to counter the seeds of death and achieve perfect balance.

Last week, I punched TPBM...with a Quivering Palm attack. All I need to do is snap my fingers, and they'll have a heart attack.

*Snaps fingers*

2013-06-06, 09:09 AM
Actually, I ritually removed my heart; there's just a stone there.

I make TPBM take levels in… Monk! :eek:

2013-06-06, 09:09 AM
Hah! Fortunately, I have an auxiliary cardiovascular system, and have two hearts, thus quivering palm only stopped one heart!

I cast power word: kill on TPBM.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-06, 01:09 PM
Well, as you appear to have retracted your attack, I feel pretty safe. Also, I have more than 100hp. :smallwink:

TPBM, I have gone back in time and slain your ancestors, eradicating your entire lineage back to the Renaissance. Any last words?

2013-06-06, 02:51 PM
With my last breath, I cast "Disown" upon myself, which severs all links to my ancestors, shielding me from the paradox of my continued life. I enjoy my coffee and have less holiday cards to send out.

TPBM, my carniverous attack llama is headed your way!

2013-06-06, 03:15 PM
Meh, I eat llamas and Sheep for breakfast, I'm a Dragon. He is now my dinner. :smallcool:

I breathe Fire on TPBM

2013-06-06, 04:00 PM
I redirect the fire to TPBM, since I'm a rogue pyromancer. :smalltongue:

2013-06-06, 04:07 PM
Form of Steel! Your flames are not hot enough to melt me.

I rip off my metallic left arm and through it at TPBM at Mach 3.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-06, 05:01 PM
I summon Azathoth to take care of it. He probably just sits in the way and shrugs it off.

TPBM: I summoned Azathoth on your house, actually. You have fun with that. :smallamused:

2013-06-06, 06:24 PM

I cast shrink on you TPBM...and I kick you, once, twice, three times! Cast permenancy on the shrink, and make you a sandwich with ham :)

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-06, 08:14 PM
I'll take the shrink. But I'm fast, wiry, armed, and in possession of items that enhance each of those qualities. I also routinely tick off monsters larger than me, like Zaydos. So I have learned how to climb, dodge, and stab at the same time. I'll let my unstable morphic field negate your shrink spell.

I'll fire an orbital laser at TPBM's current location, though. Haven't seen an orbital laser in a while.

2013-06-06, 08:37 PM

I throw this thing (http://gatherer.wizards.com/pages/card/details.aspx?name=Worldslayer) at TPBM.

2013-06-06, 09:13 PM
I roll myself for defense and get a natural 20. The sword bounces off of me and slices a hole in the fabric of space and time, summoning an eldritch abomination into the world, who proceeds to messily devour TPBM.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-06, 09:22 PM
"Ah, Azathoth, you're finally here! Hrm? You're not Azathoth. Back to outside of the universe you go, other eldritch horror!"

I dismiss your silly eldritch abomination by repeating the descending node and laughing maniacally for effect.

TPBM - I slice at your exposed arms with a club covered in syringes full of cyanide.

2013-06-07, 12:23 AM
I retort with "I ain't joining no club that so badly mishandles biohazards!" You pause, first to unpack the needless opacity of that pun, then to grasp the utter terribleness of that pun, and in the meantime Expeditious Retreat!

I breathe fire and throw hammers at TPBM while standing on a bridge over lava with a conveniently placed axe behind me. I have a really good feeling about this!

2013-06-07, 07:57 AM
Because I am you, we just shot fire and hammers at our self! I leap backwards into the axe and fall over the edge of the bridge to avoid the attack! ...Wait, what...?

TPBM is floating their raft innocently down the lava river when suddenly some inconsiderate jerk falls from the sky and mashes you into a bloody pulp! (what an a-hole, am I right? :smalltongue:)

2013-06-07, 12:44 PM
Because I'm a crazy awesome wizard, I wave my arms about like a madman, and cast Polymorth Other, turning the inconsiderate jerk into an inconsiderate flying sheep!

TPBM, I sic my sheep on you! Flying sheep uses dive bomb attack!

2013-06-07, 01:00 PM
I grow to giant size, pull out a tennis racket and whack the sheep towards TPBM.

2013-06-07, 03:50 PM
Return Volley! Me, 15, TPAM Love.

I unleash the hounds at TPBM.

2013-06-07, 04:44 PM
I am standing at the top of the cliff as the horde of hounds approaches. Seeing no other option, I grab TPBM in a tight bearhug and leap off the cliff.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-07, 04:47 PM
Well, I can fly, and you can't. I'll kick myself out of your grasp, and let you fall to your doom.

I then land, and shoot a bazooka at TPBM.

2013-06-07, 06:41 PM
I'm standing 50 feet away, so you miss. You probably should've aimed at my feet instead of trying to hit me dead-on with a bazooka.

I throw a pretty big rock at TPBM!

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-07, 09:15 PM
I'll just bat-grapnel out of the way and then punch you back into the quarry. You're goin' back to Blackgate Prison, Croc.

Now, for good measure, let's get dangerous. I send a barely-piloted duck-shaped aircraft careening towards TPBM.

2013-06-07, 09:49 PM
I hack into the autopilot and direct it elsewhere.
As it passes, I have it drop its load of live spiders on TPBM.

2013-06-08, 11:54 AM
I dive under TPBM's car in a panic before realizing that these are just regular, harmless spiders.

Before going on my way, I cut the brake lines.

2013-06-08, 12:43 PM
I activate the emergency electable seats before the crash..

While 400 feet in the air, I find my target and align a sniper shot to the head..

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-08, 02:09 PM
I return fire with an orbital nuke, and plane shift away at the last second.

TPBM's got to worry about that nuke. :smallamused:

2013-06-08, 02:29 PM
I reality warp so that the nuke Plane Shifts with Amidus, therefore killing him. Therefore, I proceed to be showered with rewards from the president and be crowned Earth's Greatest Hero.

Soon, I become twisted, and due to a boredom driven rampage, I start torching buildings and such, causing people from your hometown to flee. I look at you intensely, and start moving toward you as well...

2013-06-08, 03:20 PM
Pit Trap. With extra spikes.

I summon a sword through TPBM's brain.

2013-06-08, 03:28 PM
I dissipate my Shadow Clone, Kage Bunshin No Jutsu!!

Using your lost momentum, I swing TPAM right into TPBM, shattering their skulls together

2013-06-08, 03:38 PM
Ha! It turns out I was rehearsing a scene from Hamlet. You just shattered my skull prop. Alas poor Yorrick. I knew him well.

I take out my frustration on TPBM by shooting him through the head. Bang!

2013-06-08, 04:16 PM
"Like that's going to do anything…"

I use my special anti-regen rounds against TPBM.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-08, 07:06 PM
Well, I don't rely on regeneration to heal me, so I don't think I have anything to worry about here... Still have the bullet problem... Hrm... I pull out a katana and deftly cut the all the bullets in half, allowing the pieces to fly harmlessly to my sides.

TPBM, I charge you with the katana, which fires lasers at you!

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-08, 08:21 PM
I send out my Haunter, Horatio, who uses the move Protect to prevent any damage from the lasers (he is already immune to fighting-type melee attacks). Then I use my Feraligatr, Sergei, to counter attack.

Sergei, use Waterfall on TPBM!

2013-06-08, 09:01 PM
HypoSoc has Wonder Guard. It failed.

I throw a Pokeball at TPBM.

2013-06-09, 07:40 AM
I use my dicey telekinesis to redirect the Pokeball to TPBM, whereupon it releases a level 99 Mewtwo, which proceeds to mind control TPBM and force said poster to commit suicide.

2013-06-09, 08:07 AM
You think death can stop me?

I know what comes next: I shall handwave and TPBM will cease to exist entirely from the universe; because that's what's gonna happen.

2013-06-09, 11:54 AM
I cut a rift in time and space, and jump through it into another universe. Then i will be back in an hour.

I send 10.000 homing shurikens after TPBM.

2013-06-09, 01:11 PM
Protection from arrows! (Which, incidentally, functions equally well against shuriken.)

I convince TPBM that taking small doses of arsenic over time will allow them to develop an immunity to it, which they then proceed to do.

2013-06-09, 01:26 PM
Immune to poison and mind-affecting effects! :smalltongue:

I position a slice of delicious cake on the floor, and set up an anvil to fall on whoever goes for it.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-09, 01:31 PM
I quickly push the cake out of the way, and snatch it off of the ground, allowing the anvil to hit the spot it was in harmlessly (well, except for your floor).

I send an flying basilisk to chase TPBM across a minefield.

2013-06-09, 03:03 PM
Good thing I got these AR sunglasses. I feed the basilisk some lunchmeat to keep it busy while I call animal control.

After they pick up the basilisk, I inform them that TPBM needs to be put down, so they load up their elephant tranquilizers and head out.

2013-06-09, 04:27 PM
Animal Control discovers that I'm a human, so they presume that call must've been a prank, you crazy good-fer-nuthin' kids!

I prank call Animal Control myself, conspicuously "revealing" my identity as TPBM! Mwahahahahahaha!

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-09, 04:48 PM
I happily explain to the officers that humans fall under the kingdom of Animalia, and are, therefore, animals. Goblins, however, are strictly fantastic creatures, and therefore do not fall within current taxonomy. Also I help their leader figure out the call display on his phone, sending them back to deal with TPAM! :smallwink:

I send sufficiently advanced Rastafarian skull aliens (http://tfwiki.net/wiki/Vok) to eliminate TPBM.

2013-06-09, 07:13 PM
Thankfully, british comedians taught me how to hide.

I blow up the bush TPBM is hiding behind.

2013-06-09, 08:45 PM
I notice the explosives at the last second and kick them away!

They detonate next to a tree, which catches fire and falls right through TPBM's bedroom window.

2013-06-09, 08:55 PM
Right now I have the dubious advantage of living out of a motel. So I'm good.

I throw a can of fruit at TPBM's head!

Dramatic Addict
2013-06-09, 10:03 PM
I pull out my katana and go Fruit Ninja on the bowl of fruit thrown at me

Then I hurl my collection of vibrators at TPBM!

2013-06-10, 08:53 AM
I pull out the ever handy Mirror Shield, reflecting the attack.

Then, I draw the Master Sword and attack you with it!

2013-06-10, 09:15 AM
Death don't stop killjoys! After dying, I come back with my blaster in hand, and immediately headshot TPBM
109 in the sky but the pigs wont quit, your here with me, Dr. Death Defying...

2013-06-10, 11:38 AM
Mirrored sunglasses FTW! :smallcool:

I use my pyromancy powers to burn TPBM to a crisp.

2013-06-10, 12:31 PM
I counter by pointing out that your talking to fires won't burn me to a crisp!

I immolate TPBM with gouts of green hellfire.

2013-06-10, 01:05 PM
And they all laughed when I lined my labcoat with asbestos. I cover my face and hold my breath to protect myself from the carcinogenic fumes as I run away.

I still really need to change clothes after this, though, so I toss the burning asbestos outfit at TPBM.

2013-06-10, 02:42 PM
I live in Canada, so at least the asbestos isn't actually illegal! I run away from the fumes (hopefully) fast enough to avoid too much exposure.

I send my pet moose after TPBM, even though Vancouver doesn't really have any moose. Oh well, at least I didn't attack with a hockey stick, eh?

2013-06-10, 03:28 PM
I flee! Flee from the dreaded moose and jump over a portal which leads an empty room dimension. Thankfully, the moose falls in.

I send TPBM on a bus to that same dimension.

2013-06-10, 04:42 PM
Luckily I'm skilled in the ways of bus-tilting! Still, just to be safe, I'm gonna placate the moose by throwing some walnuts in the direction of the wormhole!

TPBM, I'm gonna take it easy on you. Here's a "hair falls out" spell.

smoke prism
2013-06-10, 04:45 PM
It turns out I was happening to be carrying moose food, so after feeding it the moose and me are cool. It also turns out that I had a return bus ticket, so me and the moose go back home.

TPBM is destined to die an inescapable death. What do you do?

2013-06-10, 04:47 PM
It appears that I am indeed inescapably bald now! That... is a fine coincidence.

I initiate a good old-fashioned bullet-implantation procedure on TPBM.

smoke prism
2013-06-10, 04:53 PM
It turns out my skin is made of adamantine, so the bullets bounce of it.

TPBM is thrown in to a lake, you are also wearing a flashy concert suit.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-10, 10:06 PM
The Rooster Talisman powered an ancient fire demon with power of levitation. In my possession, it naturally does the same for me. Your pitiful lake has no hold over me. Let's boogie.
Not sure how this was supposed to kill me.
*levitates, Raul Julia style; boogies*

Right then. I shoot TPBM with a gun that draws power from a black hole to fire purple/pink energy blast, despite looking identical to a normal Walther P-38.

2013-06-10, 10:17 PM
Ahah! My legerdemain skills have replaced your marvelous weapon with one that is so carefully mimics! Now I only need to deal with the normal bullet you hit me with.

I bleed on TPBM.

smoke prism
2013-06-11, 05:28 AM
Ok that's fine, I just take my clothes to the dry-cleans.

Whilst at the dry-cleans I put TPBM into a washing machine, along with my blood stained clothes.

2013-06-11, 05:09 PM
I emerge from the washing machine after it finishes, not too badly injured but rather annoyed that you didn't use any fabric softener.

I take out my frustration by pummeling TPBM with my arms, which, thanks to TPAM, are covered in non-softened fabric!

2013-06-11, 06:07 PM
oh no...uhm............a rash? oh no I have a rash?


I beat TPBM to death with perfectly mundane plushie goldfish...

smoke prism
2013-06-11, 06:12 PM
Ok you get bored after a couple of minuets and leave . I live, with some bruises and a foul temper.

To calm my self I tie cinder blocks to THPBM and push them into a volcano.

2013-06-11, 06:47 PM
Albert J. Volcano and I are irritated at being pushed into each other.

I use my new cinderblock flail to whack TPBM.

smoke prism
2013-06-11, 07:32 PM
My new force filed deflects you're attack.

I call in an air strike on TPBM

2013-06-11, 07:51 PM
I call in an anti-air strike (and gets brett arrested for breaking the 3-post rule :smallannoyed:)

I activate a trapdoor below TPBM's feet. (and it leads to a pool of radioactive sharks)

2013-06-11, 08:17 PM
I make your radioactive sharks my friend by loving them with lead coated goodness :) and I feed them fishys :D socute!

I make TPBM die in the FACE!

2013-06-11, 08:59 PM
Oh noes! I have died in the FACE!

I bleed even more on TPBM.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-11, 09:02 PM
1) Props to you for noticing my weakness against spilled blood.
2) I promptly activate my anti-blood laser grafts, and annihilate your attacking veins and arteries (which, as a small benefit to you, also cauterizes what remains of them).

I then bury TPBM alive.

2013-06-11, 09:37 PM
I remember my cruel training at the hands of Pai Mei, and after punching through my casket, claw my way to the surface.

I deploy my trained elven ninja hit squad to strike from TPBM's closet.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-11, 11:05 PM
.... Elveses. This will surely put my goblin pirate skills to the test. Or perhaps I'll just cheat. Galvantula, use Shockwave.

.... Senator Shockwave, use your arm-cannon to eliminate TPBM.

2013-06-12, 12:01 AM
I arrange for Shockwave's political career to meet an untimely end thanks to the spread of some scandalous photos.

TPBM, sadly, is caught in the crossfire.

2013-06-12, 12:34 AM
The... political crossfire? It seems that someone mistakenly hires a hit on me rather than a proper political opponent, because apparently I'm some rich guy's clone.

I wake up in a hospital room at Docwagon, where my healthcare subscription is still paid up and the assassins have left a fruit basket apologizing for the case of mistaken identity.

I write them back asking if they can quickly take care of an extra little job for me...

2013-06-12, 02:55 PM
Luckily, "Life analyst contractors" cough, cough, assassins don't do favors.

I summon a bigger fish to consume TPBM.

2013-06-12, 03:17 PM
Edit: Ninja'd.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-12, 04:04 PM
Well, it doesn't look like anyone attacked me, so I think I'm in the clear. Just to be safe, though, I'll activate my counter-ninja defense system. *sets up a few tripwires attached to pirates*

I attack TPBM with weaponized adverbs.

2013-06-12, 07:45 PM
oh boohooo words...:smallfrown: im going to cry now

I attack TPBM with the core of the earth and make them die in the FACE!

2013-06-12, 08:07 PM
Again with the face! Good thing I got a helmet since last time.

I sell all the metal I received from TPAM's attack to get enough money to pay TPBM to kill themselves.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-12, 08:56 PM
Wow, that's quite the sum. You've got yourself a deal.

I kill myself by opening up a rather large black hole within my lab. On whatever planet TPBM happens to be on. I'll see you on the other side, monetary fruitcakes!

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-12, 09:51 PM
Technically, all black holes are infinitesimally small... the more massive ones just have larger event horizons. Nevertheless, I quickly get a wire transfer from Fullbladder's bank account to mine, then hop off the planet as fast as possible. I'll dock at the ISS for now, until I can get an intergalactic taxi to take me to the Algol system.

As the world is collapsing, I trip TPBM and push them in front of a falling bus.

@v That's a rather interesting piece, there. I like it. And Monty Python is always funny.

2013-06-13, 03:21 AM
I have nothing to add to this video. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIIcNapznhE)

I force TPBM to listen to this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXJPnUZhETg) Surely the 24-note scale will overwhelm his/her mind!

2013-06-13, 09:20 AM
I am deaf! Your puny pianos are powerless before my might!

I transfer my deafness to TPMB and lead them to a busy intersection blindfolded.

2013-06-13, 04:45 PM
Ah-ha! I knew learning synesthete was a good idea.

I cast plane shift and send TPBM to the deepest layer of the Abyss.

2013-06-13, 09:10 PM
Good thing I've got that Abyssal condo time share. Time to kick back and relax.

I send a couple of pit fiends to play tetherball with TPBM's head.

2013-06-14, 12:34 AM
Ooo! I was getting tired of being an original-flavor lich. Demilichdom, here I come!

Given my upgrade on the spiral staircase of ridiculous fantasy villainy, I trap the poster below me's soul in an unbreakable gemstone and encase it within some kind of nasty golem monster. Adamantine golem. That sounds pretty.

2013-06-14, 01:40 AM
I take up residence in my new unbreakable phylactery and thank you for the improvement. My old one was vulnerable to being eaten by triple iron golems.

I channel all the times people have ever used a meme into the head of the person below me overloading them.

2013-06-14, 02:36 AM
I am immune to all mind-altering affects, so I just yawn.

I borrow :thog: 's Celine Dion torture album, duct-tape TPBM to a chair, gagged and unable to move. I use my magic powers of awesome to force you down int the chair while I force you to listen to the album, your brain slowly and painfully killing itself. And I laugh. And return the album.

2013-06-14, 03:13 AM
My eardrums were replaced with artificial ones after a misfire from a Shout spell, and now I can turn them on or off at will.

I strap TPBM to a rocket and fire you off towards the Sun.

2013-06-14, 03:47 AM
Using my amazing engineering skills I rewire the rocket to safely land. On TPBM.
I then call on :thog: to help save me because TPBM is hurting me.

(Read the name)

2013-06-14, 04:35 AM
Turns out there are a lot of things you can't do without hands. And hey, guess who's really, really susceptible to that Head of Vecna trick, except when you're an all-powerful necromancer head you can actually mount a reasonable facsimile?

Though, y'now, there is something to be said for the classics. I'ma bestow sentience on the person below me's digestive tract and order it to eat its way to freedom. Ever had an ulcer that actually, literally won't quit? Because it's magically compelled?

(Xykon and 'Phage, Prom King and Queen, Jerkface U. Go Wolpertingers!)

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-14, 09:57 AM
Digestive tracts are for the weak. I simply disintegrate my food internally, after absorbing the nutrients. However, just to be safe, I'll cut out that portion of my body and replace it with a graft.

I electrocute TPBM.

@v In which case it will do a great deal of damage to you, as you'll conduct the electricity poorly. :smalltongue:

2013-06-14, 10:51 AM

I slingshot some grenades at TPBM.

2013-06-14, 01:22 PM
I am just this moment heading home from stuffing people's mailboxes with racquets as another part in my long running dadaist campaign of not so much terror as mild confusion and bewilderment, and use the single remaining sports implement to bat away the grenades.

Unfortunately, I bat the now significantly closer to exploding grenades at the next poster.

2013-06-14, 03:09 PM
The grenades are just pomegranates (http://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grenade_%28fruit%29), so I just pick them up and eat them (it does take me a while, though).

I place some free bacon on the road to lure TPBM to his doom at the hands of a falling anvil trap!

2013-06-14, 03:33 PM
There is still an 83% chance it hits :thog: and a 3% chance it hits :nale: , so *rolls percentile dice* yeah 56 so it hits Thog. I tell Thog that TPBM set up the trap.

2013-06-14, 03:35 PM
Being a dragon, albeit an undead one, I am therefore an extreme omnivore. Having devoured the bacon I simply turn my maw upwards and eat the delicious, delicious anvil thus getting the iron I need for my blood :smallconfused:

I cast Summon Kittens and Ice Cream. Leaving Thog easily distracted.

I summon Anti-Earth into the Earth causing a massive matter-antimatter explosion.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-14, 04:04 PM
Gah, you beat me to destroying the planet! *forks over the agreed sum* I never should have made that bet while my death ray was still under construction. Luckily, I've already left the ISS and have taken the intergalactic taxi to say, Groombridge, because why not?

I immolate TPBM with temperatures hot enough to make their skin sublimate.

2013-06-14, 05:03 PM
This fire immunity isn't just for show you know...

2013-06-14, 05:57 PM
This immense DR/- isn't for show either.

I use my great fortune to pay a bunch of aliens to rebuild our recently destroyed planet. To give it life I give them TPBM's soul.

2013-06-14, 06:29 PM
Soul? How do you pronounce that? Sool? Sowl? I think I had a one of those somewhere. Can't remember where the devil (or demon, don't like to be exclusionary) I put the thing. Oh wait, was that the sparkly thing that kept going on about "duty" and "kindness" and "jalapeno poppers are a reasonable substitute for deep-fried virgins"? Yeah, sorry about that. You're a couple of millennia late on that one.

But man, did that ever give me a craving. I don't suppose you're a virgin, are you? Eh, no matter. I'll just cover you in steak spice and deep-fry you anyway. I warn you, my gastrointestinal tract is a little... unique. Wave to Nyarlathotep on your way down, will you? Poor little guy gets lonely.

2013-06-14, 07:18 PM
Go ahead. I am a vegetarian. Everyone knows that Vegetarianism is a communicable disease, so say goodbye to bacon as revenge.

I enslave TPBM to toil in my Tofu Mines until they die of exhaustion.


2013-06-14, 08:34 PM
I trick you into consuming meat and dairy, thus forcing the Vegan Police to come by and strip you of your Vegan powers and letting me just stroll away.

I hack the White House's crisis line and order a nuclear strike on TPBM.

Accordion Twome
2013-06-14, 08:46 PM
At that time I was dancing around and saying gibberish. luckily, I unknowingly performed a perfect rain-dance which made the bombs orders to be scrambled in the magic fused rain and they were instead sent to TPBM

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-14, 11:23 PM
... Who mailed me nuclear warheads? Whatever, I ain't gonna turn away free warheads.

I hire TPBM to deliver a package for me. The package, naturally, is a large explosive device that, while possessing the possibility of bestowing superpowers, has a ridiculously low chance of bestowing superpowers on anyone, let alone someone as mundane as TPBM.
Oh and it's set to go off before TPBM makes it to the destination.

@V: Damn your wizard eyes, Zaydos!

2013-06-15, 12:08 AM
My foresight wizard senses are tingling :smallconfused: Must be something about this package. *hands the package to a passing group of nuns*

Through the use of illusions, trickery, and playing dumb I convince the now superpowered nuns that TPBM was responsible for putting a bomb in the package.

2013-06-15, 12:49 AM
Good thing the nuns love their new superpowers. I politely inform them that it was not I who deserve their gratitude, but master Fullbladder.

I start a band to create a successful one hit wonder that is so catchy and hard to get rid of that it drives TPBM insane.

2013-06-15, 02:33 AM
I'm already insane, so your plan is foiled. I do, however, manage to get TPBM to hear the sound.

2013-06-15, 11:52 AM
I put on headphones and listen to really melodramatic German music (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asQca995uxs), rendering me impervious to the sonic assault.

I feed TPBM to Mnemophage, who apparently is an undead Sarlacc. Inside Mnemophage you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested for a thousand years.

2013-06-15, 01:44 PM
I wave to Nyarlathotep on my way down, have a vacation in the surprisingly mist-filled cavern of Kru-Zak the Inscrutable, and then call Arioch to get me out the Lord of Chaos owes me a favor.

I stab the Person Below Me with every runeblade known to man, god, or fiction at once.

2013-06-15, 01:52 PM
Kawirimi No Jutsu

I forge my new sword collection into one super sword and swing it at TPBM.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-15, 04:11 PM
Block, Parry, Dodge, RIPOSTE! :smallamused:

I stuff TPBM inside the printer in Office Space.

2013-06-15, 08:00 PM
I remember all the times it screwed up my copies, Hulk Out in rage, and tear it into bite-sized chunks.

I shoot a dart tipped with Black Lotus Extract at TPBM.

2013-06-15, 09:45 PM
I steal the poison off the darts before they hit! This'll make quite a mint at the Guild halls…

I sing about burying TPBM in the ground, and then do so.

2013-06-16, 12:40 AM
I'm a monk with the vow of poverty, so no breathing, and I just punch/kick/ headbut my way out. I then do 13d3 con damage to TPBM, along with another 13d3 a minute later, along with 26d8+130 Bludgeoning/ piercing/ slashing/ lawful/ good/ magic damage.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-16, 02:03 AM
If I can survive grappling with dracoliches and Abyssals, I'm sure I can survive you.

But, just in case I don't, I make a backup of my consciousness and genetic wavelength and use a small probe to embed it into the base of TPBM's skull, while they're distracted for a moment. They'll slowly have their mind and body overwritten by that of me, the Fullbladder, until I am all that remains. Fullbladder LIVES!

2013-06-16, 02:38 AM
Having injected myself with a number of poisons and viruses, I download my brain into one of my clone bodies and leave you trapped in the dying one.

I load my disease-ridden former corpse onto a catapault and fling it at TPBM.

2013-06-16, 11:19 AM
Being undead the diseases fail to bother me, but I quickly incorporate them and any useful looking bacteria into my breath weapon for later use.

I hire you as a guard at my Evil Sky Fortress... the heroes always destroy the evil sky fortress, always :smallfrown:

2013-06-16, 12:06 PM
As the heroes infiltrate, I hear a strange sound come from the corner of a corridor and say "what was that noise?" very loudly. The heroes sneak by while I'm investigating the sound that they themselves made with a thrown rock (you should have made a manual for your guards (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0766.html)) leaving me unscathed as they advance to whatever self-destruct/weak-point-type-thing you left in the middle of the sky fortress.

As the fortress crumbles, I do the only sensible thing: jump off in a free fall with dynamite strapped to myself and blow myself up in the process of falling thousands of feet. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p309jjTImBc) Naturally I survive, and then recover with simple bedrest, but the explosion is right by an unsuspecting TPBM...

2013-06-16, 12:58 PM
Cool guys neither look at, nor are harmed by explosions.

I charm TPBM with my coolness so they walk in front of a bus.

2013-06-16, 05:09 PM
I walk in front of a stationary bus.

So charmed by TPAM'a coolness, I pick up the bus, and toss it at TPBM to show off my manliness.

2013-06-16, 05:31 PM
I'm in the middle of a game of chess with Magneto, who casually volleys the bus onwards towards the TPBM while falling for my queen's gambit (thanks for the tip Xavier!).

2013-06-16, 05:31 PM
I stand right where I am. Magneto also has terrible aim. :smallamused:

I steal TPBM's clothes while TPBM is in public, and vanish, leaving TPBM to die of embarrassment.

2013-06-16, 05:43 PM
Meh, casual nudity is nothing.

I invoke the eldritch rite of H'Lgrzov upon TPBM.

2013-06-16, 06:16 PM
You mean, THAT H'Lgrzov? My drinking buddy? Thanks mate! ...put on some pants.

I direct several simultaneous orbital bombardments upon the next poster's position.

2013-06-16, 06:22 PM
I'm in the middle of a game of chess with Magneto, who casually volleys the bus onwards towards the TPBM while falling for my queen's gambit (thanks for the tip Xavier!).

Well done, but now that you've sacrificed material to gain position, make sure you use your advantage well! Anyway...

Since the bombardments are simultaneous, I make sure that I am out of the way only for a few minutes, and then return to my position and resume practicing my various chi attacks in preparation for battle and/or a challenge. Against TPBM.

2013-06-16, 06:59 PM
I challenge TPAM to a game of checkers! :smalltongue:

I get the spiciest burrito in existence, set it on fire, force-feed it to TPBM, and wash it down with hot sauce.

2013-06-16, 07:21 PM
Thanks, bud. I haven't had dinner yet. From my amazing spicy dinner I grow the ability to breathe fire, so I do. On TPBM.

2013-06-17, 01:55 AM
Dude, ever since you ate that burrito I can smell you coming from a mile away, and I have no intention of letting you get any closer. Here, I'll mail you a coupon for some antacids.

I also got my hands on an experimental cure for vampirism that they were going to throw away because it was contaminated with cholera. Let's sneak it into TPBM's next meal and see what happens!

2013-06-17, 02:03 PM
Mmm, vampire brain, or is it? It's not as dead as I remember. Oooh, cholera! It's no match for my superior, aberrant physiology.

I use my enormous mind flayer intellect to master checkers, counter a queen's gambit, solve the problem of public nudity, figure out why I was eating undead brain, and create a scheme to eat TPBM's brain.

@V Again, why am I attempting to eat brains from the undead? I must investigate this more thoroughly.

2013-06-17, 04:22 PM
Unfortunately for you my skull is completely empty and all I have to do is wait until you have starved nomming on my skull and then the threat is neutralized.

I build an intricate Rube Goldberg device which surrounds TPBM in their sleep and eventually decapitates them before frying them on a platter to feed my minions.

Amidus Drexel
2013-06-17, 04:29 PM
You would be successful; however, I do not sleep in the same place every night (making your ability to set up the machine where you need it much more difficult), and I am easily awakened by the smell of frying things, such as the pan you would need to warm up before you killed me.

I blow TPBM to pieces with a totally nonmagical orb of magic force. :smallamused:

2013-06-17, 05:24 PM
Well Im in an anti-reality field, anything nonmagical doesnt exist!

Unluckily for TPBM, they are nonmagical and now dont exist

2013-06-17, 06:40 PM
How is being a sexy Dicelord not magical?

I hurl a whole bunch of sharpened d4s at TPBM.

2013-06-17, 07:20 PM
Cool, now the rogue can figure dagger damage. Thanks!

I send said rogue, with his new damage dice, after TPBM. I will miss neither, so win-win

2013-06-17, 10:44 PM
Hey, just so you know, I told your rogue friend what you said about not missing him or the present you gave him. He didn't look too happy about it, but at least he stopped trying to stab me.

Also, TPBM, I have rigged your computer to explode in one second. Think fast! :)

2013-06-17, 10:53 PM
I jump behind TPBM to use him/her for cover (aka: meatshield)

2013-06-18, 03:04 AM
I flip Drakeburn's boat into the path of the explosion; we survive, but the boat's more hole-y than ever.

I strand TPBM on Drakeburn's sinking boat.

2013-06-18, 10:22 AM
Since you never specified where you strand me, I guess I get to pick. Ok, I'm in a hole-t boat in the middle of a city. I get out and continue my life as normal. However I give TPBM a spiked boot to the head.

2013-06-18, 03:43 PM
The boot turns out to be this one. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6n-jtXDqys4) Mwahahahahahahaha! Now I have the boot! Behold as I jump on things that used to hurt me!

...such as TPBM.

2013-06-18, 04:13 PM
I wait outside of level 5-2. When your shoe is gone you are no longer a threat.

I put the person below me in a red uniform and assign them as security detail on an away mission.

Edit: @v I think you got ninja'd by a good 19 minutes.

2013-06-18, 04:32 PM
I grab a spare yellow uniform and give the red uniform to TPBM, and send him/her off into a firefight.

@^: I was multi-tasking between this and learning how to write a paranormal novel

2013-06-18, 07:19 PM
Vow of Nudity, I don't wear clothes. I pass the uniform off to TPBM

2013-06-18, 09:42 PM
I cast prestidigitation on the uniform, turning it from red to gold, then go to a massive command center and put a bounty on TPBM's head.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-18, 09:46 PM
Well then. I find one of these bounty posters, appreciate the number of zeroes you've attached, really quite flattering, and get to work. For instance, I put on my powered armour, and attach some, shall we say, optional weaponry. And then I find a public place to set up the show. Groovy.

I lead a fight with a few dozen bounty hunters and weapons fire through TPBM's place of residence.

2013-06-18, 09:55 PM
Silly goblin. I'm stranded in the middle of the sea. What good is destroying my shack going to do? :smalltongue:

I tame a sea serpent to go after TPBM.

2013-06-18, 09:58 PM
I whip out my ocarina-shaped sound syth and play this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3JM_YVxL_8) to distract the beast. Then I slap a wizard to death and use his staff to teleport the serpent directly above TPBM's place of residence.

2013-06-18, 11:29 PM
Eh, I was about to demolish it with a crane for tax fraud reasons anyways.

Now that I have a crane and am bored, I swing the wrecking ball at TPBM.

2013-06-19, 03:08 PM
I wait for the wrecking ball to be about to hit me, then telekineticly swap places with TPBM.

2013-06-19, 03:53 PM
Being a basket of puppies, the wrecking ball whizzes harmlessly overhead. I then send an awakened puppy to poison TPBM's drink while they're not looking.

2013-06-19, 07:00 PM
Being an undead dragon I prefer drinking my blood fresh, so seeing my drinking vessel (a virgin princess naturally) dead I decide to instead drink this puppy I see.

I pull the person below me in two so that I can drink their delicious blood.

No I am not a vampire dragon, I'm a lich, but blood still tastes nice.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-19, 10:33 PM
Sigh. My head detaches way too easily, man. Too bad I still live, Zaydos! Or sorta live, anyway. You know this, my old foe. Being a disembodied head has only ever slowed me down! Activate creepy Mechano spider legs GO!

I casually maul TPBM's foot. This is just a distraction, while Fullbladder Manufacturing sends a robot body rocketing to my location, which will splatter TPBM under its cyclopean, rocket-powered weight. And then I'll scuttle inside the head-sized chest compartment and assume direct control.

2013-06-20, 02:38 PM
I've got a really irritating bug bite on my foot, so the mauling is actually quite pleasant. Since I'm not distracted, it's obviously quite easy to deal with the enormous rocket-powered robot body headed my way, so there's no need to explain how I survive. :smallbiggrin:

I threaten TPBM with a civil lawsuit. Muhahahaha!

2013-06-21, 08:47 PM
Objection! Your honour, I was in another thread at the time!

TPBM is the actual guilty party!

2013-06-21, 08:56 PM
What could an innocent basket of puppies have done?

I have a rabid puppy bite TPBM.

2013-06-21, 09:23 PM
I contract rabies. Seeing as how I'm skeletal undead that reforms my body when it is destroyed this does little to me except make my bites more deadly. Oh and send me on an insane rampage of destruction for a while.

I rampage onto the person below me, combining two things that should never be allowed near each other... necromancy and corn.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-06-21, 09:29 PM
I floop the pig. When it finishes eating your corn, there will be nothing to your attack but necromancy. Significantly blunted.

Now, me, I'll just unleash the power of, um, hell I'll just run over TPBM with a tank.

2013-06-21, 10:48 PM
Assuming you got one of the fancy new wireless tanks (it's not like you need to be hiding in it yourself, after all) I quickly turn on my phone's electronic countermeasure app to disrupt the signal while I go up and reformat its hard drive with stick n' shock bullets.

I raid the tank's ammunition cache and hand it off to a buddy of mine who has a more portable weapon that uses those rounds. In exchange, he shoots one of them in TPBM's general direction as a gag.

2013-06-22, 03:13 PM
Too bad he accidentally fired one of the practice paint rounds. Sweet, I can use this shirt for the next Tie-Dye Friday!

I release the hounds upon TPBM.

2013-06-22, 03:39 PM
They find the puppies and decide to raise them. 1 year later they are now feral.

I release MY hounds on TPBM.

Oh and Zaydos stop commenting after me!:smallsmile:

2013-06-22, 06:37 PM
I distract them with some of Zaydos' delicious, delicious bones.

The dragon-lich-thing is understandably peeved, so I offer him TPBM as tribute.

2013-06-23, 12:47 PM
I wonder why I've been offered to myself as tribute, and then get peeved that you're calling me a thing and wonder off.

I summon Arioch the Lord of Blades and the two Runeswords Stormbringer and Mournblade and offer TPBM's soul to Arioch with the twin swords.

2013-06-24, 12:50 PM
He sees that it's the soul of a self-deprecating graduate student and decides he doesn't want it.

I go after TPBM with a good old-fashioned baseball bat.

2013-06-24, 04:25 PM
I call in a relief pitcher and hightail it off the field.

I load TPBM into a mass accelerator cannon and fire them into the Sun.

2013-06-24, 04:46 PM
It fails to fire. Apparently, someone crossed a few wires inside.

I help fix this wonderful cannon, load it with a basket of puppies, and fire it at TPBM.

2013-06-24, 05:00 PM
I make a giant baseball mitt out of mattresses to catch the basket of puppies.

After I put down the puppies, I crumble the over-sized baseball mitt into a wad of mattresses and send it rolling at TPBM.

2013-06-25, 01:23 AM
I cleave the mattress-boulder into hundreds of itty bitty pieces with my insanely sharp sword.

I attempt to do the same to the next poster!

2013-06-25, 01:34 AM
I step away from the door to which you are attached, taking me out of your range.

I pick up a Dumpster and slam it down on TPBM.

"Takin' out the trash!" :smallcool:

2013-06-25, 01:37 AM
I've got the Hylian shield (http://zeldawiki.org/Hylian_Shield). It's indestructible.

I attack using the spell Sectumsempra, (http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Sectumsempra) the insta-slash spell.

2013-06-25, 09:13 AM
Luckily, (spoiler alert) Snape is standing nearby and gives you detention after healing me.

Then I hit TPBM with Imperio and force a spider down their throat. A poisonous spider.

2013-06-25, 04:14 PM
Unlike poison, which is ingested or inhaled, venom is usually delivered directly into the lymphatic system, where it acts faster. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venom) Since I just swallowed the spider, most of toxins in the spider's venom are metabolized into something harmless, although I end up with a rather upset stomach.

I regurgitate the spider and plant it in TPBM's bed.

2013-06-25, 10:03 PM
I throw my bedsheets in the wash; they smell like BroomGuys' vomit for some reason.

I take a dire bear cub from its mother, give it to TPBM, and hide.

2013-06-26, 01:39 AM
That's alright. I'm just playing dead right now. Keep Calm and Play Dead
I try to tase TPBM.

(@Dr.Gunsforhands: The spider was already dead, because it was digested. Good call on the washing)

2013-06-26, 02:28 AM
I laugh as my rubber armor protects me!

I break all of TPBM's #2 pencils!

2013-06-26, 10:26 AM
Do mechanical pencils count?

Regardless, I'm gonna grapple TPBM before melding with the earth; either they are melded, too, or get essentially buried alive in sheer rock. We'll find out which, below.

pwning doodes
2013-06-29, 08:08 AM

I release the tiger (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piWCBOsJr-w&feature=youtube_gdata_player) on TPBM!

2013-06-29, 01:15 PM

I attack TPBM with thick pancakes down their windpipe.
@TPBM: wat

2013-06-30, 01:39 AM
"Uggkh! Huuhnrgshy krekyoshloly!"
After failing to call out my signature "Emergency Tracheostomy," move like this is some kind of anime, I splash rubbing alcohol all over myself, slash a chunk out of my own throat and insert a straw for a quick fix.

Then I go to the hospital and mess with TPBM's medical records some more, causing his or her whole neighborhood to be brutally quarantined. (Then I have to get my neck sewn back up. And the pancake removed.)

2013-07-02, 08:27 AM
I watch as the quarantine forces try to reach my secret lair in space, but NASA didn't want them to.

Then I fly back to Earth and unleash all my lair's long-range weapons on TPBM. This includes the d6 cannons, d8 torpedoes, and d20 nukes.

2013-07-02, 06:00 PM
I hide inside a lead-lined fridge. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Arib8uWMWsM)
Then I manage to switch places with TPBM. Have fun with all the (very justifiably) pissed off fans that will inevitably swarm upon you!

2013-07-02, 11:43 PM
I charm the angry fans into becoming my prsonal slaves!

I then use said charms to sick hundreds of succubi after tpbm

2013-07-03, 11:28 PM
I raise my signature gun-hands and... wait, did you say succubi? ...Proceed.

I forge TPBM's signature on a dubious contract one of them has lying around.

2013-07-04, 01:09 AM
It's a good thing succubi don't care for contracts, being demons and all. Devils on the other hand...

I make a deal with a devil offering it TPBM's soul in exchange for a future favor.

2013-07-04, 01:22 AM
I don't even remember how you got ownership of my soul. Clearly I've been hanging out with the wrong crowds. Ah well, at least I manage to buy off that Devil by trading a nice bottle of sarsaparilla for my soul back.

In fact, it just so happens that I had three bottles on me, so I trade another one for ultimate arcane power, with which I assault TPBM! That Devil offered to give me additional stat boosts so I wouldn't embarrassingly blow concentration checks, but I really wanted that last bottle for myself.

2013-07-04, 07:28 PM
Ultimate. It means "being at the end of a process," not nessiarly "you are the be-all and end-all of the process," so you are nowhere near as powerful as you think you are. still, you are the end result of whatever process magic starts. Kudos?

After definition lawyering my way out of THAT one, I shall give TPBM a swirly FROM HELL. :smallbiggrin:

2013-07-04, 11:55 PM
What's the difference between a hellswirly and the regular kind again? Does it involve a toilet filled with hot coals or something? Of course, you must have summoned the toilet from hell rather than bringing me to hell, but I guess I can assume that the plumbing is somehow rigged up to accept this... hmm...

I shoot out the porcelain, spilling the contents onto the floor.

I then shoot the pipes, causing flaming coals to spray in TPBM's direction.

2013-07-05, 06:52 AM
I open my mouth wide and eat the flaming coals. Good thing I took that fire-eating class at Carnival Academy. :smallwink:

I call the bearded-lady (who I also met at Carnival Academy), and send her to attack the poster below me with her facial hair.

2013-07-05, 08:16 AM
The bearded lady's rage is abated with the simple gift of a Vanity Stone, which allows her to groom her beard with fantastic style in just 1d4 rounds by uttering the command word (along with all the other "clean" effects offered by Prestidigitation) at will.

I drop rocks on TPBM. From orbit. 3 miles wide.

2013-07-05, 04:41 PM
Too bad you didn't attach any booster rockets to them. With only gravity dragging them down, I had enough time to evac, find a good vantage point, and kick back with a beer in time for the light show.

I lure TPBM to ground zero of the incoming falling rocks with a false offer of free cake, timing it so they arrive a scant few seconds before they hit.

2013-07-05, 05:52 PM
I see the rocks coming from miles away, and abandon my trip to the cake. 3 mile wide rocks falling from space are kinda hard to miss. Cake, no matter how free, is worth this.

I offer TPBM a Beer of Annihilation disguised as a normal beer.

2013-07-05, 06:38 PM
Thanks man! I've been working on my thesis for a long time, and boy, did I need a beer! And then, surprise, it's a beer of annihilation?! That's even better!

In my revelry, I mistakenly think TPBM said something bad about my momma. FISTICUFFS!

2013-07-05, 07:15 PM
I interpose your momma between me and your fist. While you're explaining why you punched her I slip out the door.

I attempt to destroy the person below me with my soul devouring stare.

2013-07-06, 12:31 AM
I am currently blind thanks to a run-in with a nasty little critter who spits acid. While waiting for my eye transplant, I wonder why my face feels slightly warmer than usual, but shrug it off as my imagination.

My doctor misreads the names of both the bottle he is carrying and the patient he is supposed to be injecting, and so inadvertently gives TPBM a lethal dose of black widow venom.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-07-06, 12:39 AM
I think this makes me an Insecticon now. Cool. Actually I think this the origin story of Animated Blackarachnia.

Well, since I'm an Insecticon now, I charge at TPBM swinging, making a loud keening shrieking noise.

2013-07-07, 07:38 PM
The puppies scatter and hide, since you can't find them all.

I send thog to maul TPBM

2013-07-07, 08:04 PM
I tell thog that the person he needs to maul is in the other direction.

*points towards TPBM*

2013-07-07, 09:53 PM
I am standing behind an attractive-looking female Half-Orc. Thog flees in terror.

I call up a battalion of trained archers and rain arrows down upon TPBM.

2013-07-07, 10:06 PM
I take cover for the first volley, and duck into my ambulance as they start to focus their fire. It has 14 points of impact armor! In your face, ancient martial weapons technology!

While swerving to dodge the arrows, I accidentally plow right into TPBM.

2013-07-08, 04:09 PM
I manage to quickly jump into the conveniently-placed pothole in the road just before getting run over.

While exploring the sewers below, I come across a fearsome chincilla. I throw the chincilla as hard as I can straight up, and it gets stuck in the plumbing of TPBM's toilet. Attracted by the smell of blood, he decides to pay a visit.

2013-07-09, 04:27 PM
Well, my pet goldfish just died, so I feed the chinchilla by flushing said goldfish down my toilet.

I summon an elder evil to destroy the world, out of grief for my lost goldfish. It's first target is TPBM's home.

2013-07-09, 04:39 PM
lel My home is not of this world.

I attack by throwing caramel at TPBM, followed by a spell of Burning Hands

2013-07-09, 07:14 PM
I get completely covered in the sugary goo, and the fireball instantly candifies the outermost layer of it. It's not too thick for me to crack and peel off, thankfully, though I am going to be awfully delicious for the next few weeks.

I need to do something to prevent army ants from coming after me now, though, so I get a potent pheremone spray capable of attracting them somewhere else. I empty the whole canister on TPBM.

2013-07-10, 07:07 AM
Army ants, like ninja, can't grab you if you're on fire. :smallbiggrin:

I grab the poster below me at toss them into the mezaoic era.

2013-07-10, 01:26 PM
I assume you meant mesozoic? If so:

I hurtle through the sky crashing into the ocean while on fire from the friction causing a massive release of dust into the air which rains down as molten metal causing a drop in world temperatures and a mass extinction event that ends the mesozoic. I then set myself up as a god to primitive tribes of humans as they develop, and thus by the time I have returned, the long way, to my proper place in the time stream I am the grand emperor of the world.

If not
I land in this fantastic era and quickly befriend a species of hyper-intelligent shrews which help me build a time machine for traveling sideways through time allowing me to return to my proper time stream.

TPBM I kill all your ancestors before they have descendants while making my way back to the present the long way.

2013-07-10, 06:56 PM
Unbeknownst to you, I was adopted. The family I knew is gone, but since I wasn't biologically related to them, I am not.

I fill TPBM's house with carbon monoxide.

2013-07-10, 08:16 PM
Ingenious! Luckily, I realize something is up when my biomonitor reports that my veinous blood looks super-oxygenated for some reason. Maybe the guys at the hospital can help clear up this caramel smell, too; they've been branching out since that drop in college tuition costs.

I report TPBM to Interpol for every crime he or she has committed thus far in this thread, pushing him or her to public enemy number one.

2013-07-10, 11:07 PM
Who is this mysterious TPBM? Whoever he is, he's not me, so they're not after me.

And after abusing the semantics of words for my own vile purposes yet again, I'll just cut the next poster in half.

2013-07-10, 11:24 PM
I wonder why you cut a poster advertising Pepsi Next in half.

I turn the person below me into a newt.

@v: A newt with the gestalt mind of a whole basket worth of puppies and the basket they were in.

2013-07-10, 11:59 PM
Does that make me a basket of newts, or a newt of puppies, or a newt of newts, or-

While the GM puzzles over this, I take call in a few favors, blackmail some people, etc. to get a Great Wyrm Red Dragon with every template ever made ever applied to it and send it at TPBM.

2013-07-11, 04:01 PM
I write up a benign template

"Creature loses all regular attacks, special attacks, spells that cause damage, spell-like abilities that cause damage, and looks really cute. Their base attack bonus becomes 0 and their CR becomes 0."

I ride the benign [+all other templates ever written] Great Wyrm Red Dragon and convince it to use its conveniently retained Dominate Monster spell to control a colony of Purple Worms and send them on a rampage towards TPBM.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-07-11, 08:26 PM
I conveniently place huge chamber, made of some impenetrable alien metal, in the worms' path. And then I hook that chamber, now nicely sealed, up to a rail gun. It's not a gun a shoots Thresher Maws, but it's the next best thing.

I fire a gun that shoots purple worms at TPBM.

2013-07-11, 08:42 PM
The puppies use their vast stores of arcane power to redirect the worms towards TPBM

2013-07-11, 09:11 PM
Yay, I'm free of danger! :smallbiggrin:

I strap a bomb to TPBM. Attempts to remove it will cause it to go off.

2013-07-11, 10:32 PM
Well, in that case, I guess I just won't try to remove it. Problem solved!

I load up a squirt gun with black lotus extract and shoot it at the next poster in line.

pwning doodes
2013-07-12, 12:56 AM
While filling the squirt gun with poison, you accidentally spill some on yourself. Ow! :smalleek: You are so surprised by the extreme agony that your shot misses me and hits TPBM.

2013-07-12, 06:38 AM
That Black Lotus Extract smells surprisingly like Diet Pepsi, and is about equally as effective.

I drop a bucket of cream cheese on tpbm.

2013-07-12, 07:47 AM
I catch it and put it onto some dwarven battle bagels, which I throw at TPBM.

2013-07-12, 02:40 PM
I catch them. Ohh, dwarven battle bagels.

I construct a deathtrap, using the bagels as bait to lure in TPBM.

2013-07-12, 03:09 PM
The healing properties of bagels would surprise you.

I bar the doors and windows of the building TPBM is in and set it on fire.

Grim ranger
2013-07-12, 03:13 PM
Little did you know that I have elemental immunity (fire) going on...

I break the door of the building after it has finished burning down around me and proceed to sic horde of killer hamsters on TPBM. Figure your way out of that!

2013-07-12, 04:15 PM
I start running on my treadmill and all of the hamsters jump on and start running. It may look different than what they are used to but it still feels like home to them. Once they are busy exercising, I leave the scene.

I give TPBM a 5-pound grilled cheese sandwich and offer a free T-shirt if he or she eats the entire thing in 30 minutes or less without dying. You know what, I'm feeling generous today. If TPBM dies while trying to eat the sandwich, I'll still give away the T-shirt.

2013-07-12, 11:47 PM
It turns out that copious amounts of grilled cheese is the only antidote to the Black Lotus toxin; they cancel each other out. *BUUURP~*

I capture the smell from that horrifying belch inside the t-shirt and give it to TPBM to wear.

2013-07-13, 09:18 AM
As you expose me to your vulgar garment, you force me into a Gentlemanly Rage, which makes me (in the most sophisticated manner possible, mind you) tear apart TPAM, brew him into a ridiculously alcoholic beverage, and make TPBM chug it. They are so ludicrous inebriated that a blood test reveals a 80% BCA. They are believed to have a severe drinking problem and are placed in an asylum. There they are brutally murdered by Schizophrenic Lenny.

2013-07-13, 11:13 AM
As a dwarf I roll by Endurance check against the brew and easily pass, then start a bar brawl where I throw TPBM through a window, right into a cart of horse dung.

2013-07-13, 11:20 AM
The dung breaks my fall. Unpleasant, but not fatal.

I lock TPBM in a sealed room and wait for them to starve to death.

pwning doodes
2013-07-13, 05:38 PM
I slash a hole in the wall with my sword and leave to go get some tacos.

The tacos are so spicy that they cause me to breathe fire! I open my mouth and spew flames at TPBM.

2013-07-13, 06:11 PM
I took levels in pyromancer, so I catch the flames in my hands, enlarge it with my powers, and throw it at TPBM

2013-07-14, 04:42 PM
I dive into the water all around your boat, diving deep so that the upper waters absorb the heat.

I pop out of the water riding Dagon to perform a mounted charge upon the person below me.

2013-07-15, 12:42 PM
I duck. Yes, that's all, I just duck.

I drop a bridge (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DroppedABridgeOnHim) on the person below me.

2013-07-15, 07:42 PM
That's cool. My body gets taken to some futuristic hospital where I get my own spin-off.

Meanwhile, TPBM is literally under assault by the planet Jupiter.

2013-07-16, 09:25 PM
I rip the planet in half with my gravity control super-power

then I ignite the gases left hurling them at the next poster

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-07-16, 11:31 PM
I break the onrushing tide of fire with a visually stunning but ultimately improbable and unrealistic orbital plasma bombardment. To continue the analogy started in the previous sentence, a mighty lance of weapons fire blasts into the earth some distance myself and the hurled flaming gases, breaking them like a mighty stone breaks the oncoming tide. I still singe pretty good, but I've got some magics for that.

To continue our theatrics, I lift one hand in tune to the ascension of a great and mighty star-faring vessel from beneath the ocean/lake/what-have-you nearby, which fires all energy based weapons at TPBM. Once I climb atop its hull like a conqueror of old, of course.

2013-07-17, 01:40 AM
Hey, Fullbladder, remember that feud we had a few years ago?

I'm just bringing it up because I found Mecha-Canada in the attic, and I've been dying to have it taste battle once again. After climbing atop its head, I have it leap into the air and use its rocket-thrusters to begin a midair battle with your mighty vessel, on so epic a scale that its memory will spread across the cosmos. Poets will sing of this battle for millennia across the dimensions, through realities that are, were, and could never be, and they will teach all of the children to fear the name of Mr. Freeze, for it will become synonymous with armageddon. :smallcool:

Of course, letting this opportunity get away without a tasteless ice-based pun would be absolutely unforgivable, so:

I supercharge the Freeze Ray using the technology available on Mecha-Canada, blasting an enormous beam of cold at the planet (and poster) below. And, even though in space, nobody can hear you pun, I shout:


2013-07-17, 05:24 PM
no hell will I replied as the torrent of cold approached
I using my gravity control powers rended the boundrys between worlds summoning a horde of devils and demons to not only stop the ice age but kill the next poster who looked at me funny

2013-07-18, 08:49 AM
Confused by the situation, I use the Ocarina of Time to go back three days, and through an overly complicated process I prevented the previously four attacks from happening, thus saving the planet. Yay!

Next, I put a 'Kick Me!' sign on TPBM. And the first person to notice that sign is The Hulk. And he's had a very bad day so far.

2013-07-18, 08:52 AM
I use the Hulk's empathy for other persecuted creatures to send him off searching for who would put such a sign on a poor little evil half-dragon pony.

I seal TPBM's soul into a gem which is then cast into the volcano in which it was forged. Well technically I forge a gem [redacted] then seal their soul in it, but I'm contractually not allowed to reveal the secrets of its crafting.

2013-07-18, 11:35 AM
Didn't anyone tell you that tungsten is essentially immune to lava? You have simply secured my immortality, fool!

I do an evil genius monologue until TPBM falls asleep. And then I turn them into the first of my undead slaves.

2013-07-18, 08:33 PM
Uh... Brains? I guess I must have turned out to be one of those smart zombies... or maybe a vampire or something.

Welp, only one way to know for sure. I bite TPBM and see what happens.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2013-07-18, 11:22 PM
You break a tooth on my refridgeration suit, of course. And then get bodily thrown away. This suit gives me the strength of several additional men!

Person Below Me! Remember my name, for it is the chilling sound of your doom! I first freeze all the entrances shut, then I hoist you up and freeze you feet-first to the ceiling, Empire Strikes Back style. Only then do I begin my villainous monologue of exactly why I'm doing this, lowering the ambient room temperature dramatically even as I do so! But fret not, Person Below Me, for I am far more merciful than those who made me this way, oh yes. Freezing is one of the easier ways to go, after all, and you have me as company.

2013-07-18, 11:45 PM
Levels. In. Fiery. Magic. Bring. It. On. Goblin. Snowflake.
*plays Mortal Kombat theme in the background*

While I battle it out with Fullbladder, TPBM's opponent will be Scorpion.

2013-07-19, 09:20 AM
When Scorpion fires his spear I run a weaving path through the trees and between his legs and thanks to wings over his head. Once his spear is completely tangled and he's unable to move because of having gotten tied up in it I drink his soul at my leisure adding his power to my own.

I coat the person below me in a casing of peanut butter and chocolate and then release a horde of hungry kindergarteners on them.

2013-07-19, 03:35 PM
They will find that I've already eaten all the wonderful peanut butter, chocolatey goodness before they even get there.

So much chocolate and peanut butter would make me sick, however. I vomit my extremely corrosive stomach acid, that smells like chocolate and peanut butter, all over TPBM.

2013-07-20, 12:59 AM
Aw, man, again?! What is it with me and vomit? I shield myself with these bed sheets, which I just picked up from the cleaners. Now I have to take them all back!

I pick up a nearby bottle and throw it at TPBM in frustration. Turns out it was a molotov cocktail! Who even leaves those lying around?!

2013-07-20, 05:53 PM
I catch the moltov cocktail and toss it to TPBM.