[D&D 3.5] Wielding the Planet, Mage Slayer, and Alcohol

[Kevingway]

Abstractly pulling together the Drunken Master, Kensai, and Hulking Hurler (among other things), I'm starting to get a vicious idea. What if you could use the planet as an improvised weapon?

Naturally you'd have to be able to lift the planet, and I'm not entirely sure how you would go about doing that outside of PunPun, but I'm assuming that you would just take massive penalties on your attack roll due to it being way out of your size category no matter what you are. However, for attempting to wield the weapon as a Drunken Master would at level 4, this weapon would be considered a reach weapon, meaning if you're hugging the ground, you threaten every single person on the planet for the purposes of the Mage Slayer feat and, well, just about anything else.

Here's my favorite part: if you roll a natural 1 on an attack with an improvised weapon, the weapon breaks. Yes, simply by hugging the planet, you may accidentally break the planet.

As ridiculous as this sounds, I'm sure it's in no way possible, but mulling the idea around in my head made me laugh.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Actually, I think the record for strength was, indeed, high enough to lift a planet. It takes some of the highest order of non-magical op-fu, but I do believe this can be done.

Not that it really matters.

Assuming a similar astronomic setup as earth's, throwing the planet in any direction other than the direction of its normal orbit will almost certainly mean the end of the world in relatively short-order.

[Palanan]

Shenanigans aside, I would say that no matter the strength score, "throwing the planet" really works out to "achieving escape velocity."

The planet may be nudged in the minutest degree, but in the meantime you're answering questions like "what kind of damage do you really take in the Van Allen Belts?" (Or Mordenkainen's Belts, probably.)

[Kevingway]

I was actually thinking of it in the simplest scale, unless rules prevent such: you can't lift it, you can't wield it effectively... all you need to do is roll a natural 1 to try and hit something with it (the millions of other penalties aside) and somehow you've magicked the earth into nothingness.

This is purely Drunken Master.