GitP Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup - Season III

[Crow]

GITP Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup - Season III


This thread is where you will see results, leaders, upcoming matches, and highlights. Think of it as our own little Spike! Magazine. When highlights get posted, you will recieve a PM directing you here. Feel free to add trash-talk, boasting, and all manner of Blood Bowl talk here.

If you're looking to manage players or make changes to your team, you want the Team Management Thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?p=14951319#post14951319).

Blood Bowl Rulebook can be found Here (http://www.games-workshop.com/MEDIA_CustomProductCatalog/m750496a_BB_Competition_Rules_Pack.pdf).


The Cup Final Is Over!

Fantasy Blood Bowl Season 3 Final! Hellbug's Heroes vs. Fancy Lads Play-By-Play




Fantasy Blood Bowl Season 3 Final! Hellbug's Heroes vs. Fancy Lads Play-By-Play




http://imageshack.us/a/img843/8784/2nly.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/843/2nly.png/)

Welcome Bloodbowl fans, to this third Gitp Fantasy Blood Bowl Cup Final! Today we have two bash-tastic teams facing off against eachother, but don't expect a lot of injuries out there today. In addition to being physical, both teams are known for carrying some of the most well-armored players on the pitch this season. As the ref flips the coin, the Heroes call it...and they're wrong. The Lads get the call, and elect to receive.

http://imageshack.us/a/img42/4369/63wd.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/42/63wd.png/)

W. Tell moves over to provide some cover. Danforth is coming over to make the pickup...it's secure. The Heroes are light on their left flank, Lads moving in to support, Danforth is cutting towards their left.

http://imageshack.us/a/img819/467/w14m.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/819/w14m.png/)

But it's a trap! The Heroes collapse towards the left flank, MVP candidate Mcgillis comes in hard, lands a block on Lemonsey, he's down, HE'S DEAD!

http://imageshack.us/a/img547/9126/c3aj.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/547/c3aj.png/)

Danforth in trouble. Heroes moving in for the block. Danforth is looking around for support, but there's none there. Dryhauser charges, Danforth is down, the ball is loose! Flush comes in for the pickup...

http://imageshack.us/a/img189/5874/i4cv.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/189/i4cv.png/)

Flush misses the pickup. Bouncing ball...it's out of bounds. Here comes the throw-in...right at the feet of Andecembogius and Brunbob. Mrs. Scaggs is moving in to cover the ball...and she picks it up! What do the Lads have planned here?

http://imageshack.us/a/img20/7996/s44d.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/20/s44d.png/)

Scaggs scrambles, but there aren't any lanes open. She has nowhere to go, but what is this? Cornelius is upfield and calling for the ball. He wants her to clear it out of the backfield. Scaggs rears and throws, and...AMAZING! The throw is on target! Cornelius hauls it in and high-steps into the endzone! The Lads are up 1-0.

http://imageshack.us/a/img266/2711/t31x.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/266/t31x.png/)

The Heroes get the ball, but have little time to make anything happen as the half winds down. Let's all sit back and enjoy today's Cup Final Half-Time Show. Everybody give it up for the musical stylings of STINGER AND KOWEN.

http://imageshack.us/a/img96/2617/glk7.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/96/glk7.png/)

And we're back! Heroes set up to receive the ball, and Brunbob moves over to receive. He misses the catch, and it bounces right to Flush. Flush is moving towards the middle...what is he thinking, it's clogged. But the Heroes chaos warriors are making a hole! The Lads are caught completely off-guard, and Flush has daylight up the center!

http://imageshack.us/a/img51/1997/8sp7.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/51/8sp7.png/)

But the veteran blitzers of the Lads recover quickly. They close the short distance from the flanks, and Danforth puts Flush down! The ball's loose!

http://imageshack.us/a/img23/9545/s6v6.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/23/s6v6.png/)

Frederick is there to grab it, and being in center pitch, picks up some black orc support. The Lads bash their way into Heroes territory, but Brunbob is there to make the stop...or not! Mrs. Scaggs comes in out of nowhere to swat the beastman away! Frederick has open field ahead of him!

http://imageshack.us/a/img38/2708/x7x7.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/38/x7x7.png/)

Frederick takes it in! The Lads go up 2 to 0! The Heroes get one more possession, but there just isn't enough time! The Fancy Lads are your Season III GitP Fantasy Bloodbowl Cup Champions! After three seasons, they finally take home the cup, matching their rivals, the Red Sabres! Despite coming up just short once again, the Heroes come together with the Lads to exchange congratulations and overly-aggressive handshakes. On the Lads' sideline, the champagne is already flowing. Congratulations to The Fancy Lads!




Hail To The Champions of Season 3!



http://imageshack.us/a/img571/7648/vd3z.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/571/vd3z.png/)
The victorious champs! In their Season 3 Pre-Cup Photoshoot.


Hail To The Champions of Season 3!

http://imageshack.us/a/img835/6264/biyw.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/835/biyw.png/)

Drive Chart
http://imageshack.us/a/img21/9686/ngli.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/21/ngli.png/)

The Fancy Lads Match Statistics
http://imageshack.us/a/img543/8189/ykft.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/543/ykft.png/)


Hellbug's Heroes Match Statistics
http://imageshack.us/a/img834/2179/y8gm.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/834/y8gm.png/)

The Fancy Lads SPP/Injury Report
{table=head]No.|Name|SPP|Injury

3|Frederick|3|n/a|

4|Cornelius|3| n/a |

6|Lucille|2|n/a|

9|Lord Louis Lemonsey|0| DEAD |

11|Mrs. Scaggs|6| n/a |

[/table]


Hellbug's Heroes SPP/Injury Report
{table=head]No.|Name|SPP|Injury

8|Trush|0| Broken Ribs (Miss Next Game) |

9|Flush|5| n/a |

10|Adam Mcgillis|2| n/a |

[/table]

The Fancy Lads Winnings: $150,000, +1 Factor
Hellbug's Heroes Winnings: $70,000, +0 Factor

The Fancy Lads take home the GitP Fantasy BloodBowl Cup, granting +1 Team Rerolls (added to team value as normal) for as long as they defend their championship.

http://imageshack.us/a/img402/368/fantasycup.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/402/fantasycup.png/)







Season Awards Announced!

Most Valuable Player - Derk Von Duneheim, The Bloodknights
Offensive Player of the Year - Kowen, Selene's Seductive Strut
Defensive Player of the Year - Fredo D. Stefani, Red Sabres
Offensive Rookie of the Year - Amateratsu, The Mistakes of Life
Defensive Rookie of the Year - Bloomberg, The Johnnys' Quest

*See Wiki (http://gitp-bbl.wikia.com/wiki/Season_III_Awards) for award details*

[Crow]

Division A Standings

{table=head]Rank|Team|Team Value|Wins|Losses|Draws|Div. Record|Streak|Points

1|Die Valkyrie|1640|9|2|2|1-1-1|L1|30

2|Selene's Seductive Strut|1580|7|4|2|2-1-0|W3|25

3|Outrageous Cretaceous|1640|6|3|4|1-1-1|W2|23

4|The Invisible Assassin|610 (1030)|3|7|3|0-1-2|W1|12

[/table]

Division B Standings

{table=head]Rank|Team|Team Value|Wins|Losses|Draws|Div. Record|Streak|Points

1|The Johnnys' Quest|1880|10|3|0|4-0-0|L1|34

2|Hellbug's Heroes|1760|6|4|3|2-1-1|D1|23

3|The Fancy Lads|1730|6|4|3|1-2-1|D1|22

4|Red Sabres|1780|6|5|2|0-2-1|W2|20

5|Rampage!|1390 (1490)|5|6|2|1-2-1|L2|18

[/table]

Division C Standings

{table=head]Rank|Team|Team Value|Wins|Losses|Draws|Div. Record|Streak|Points


1|The Bloodknights|1520|6|6|1|2-2-0|W1|21

2|The Mistakes of Life|1030 (1110)|5|7|1|3-1-0|L7|19

3|The Nox'tlan Narcissists|1020|5|7|1|3-1-0|W1|19

4|The Reptile Alliance|730 (970)|3|7|3|1-2-1|L2|13

5|The Shire Patch|490 (580)|0|12|1|0-3-1|L5|1

[/table]

Upcoming Week's Inducements

[Crow]

Regular Season Schedule and Results
Week 1:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |1-2| Rampage!

The Bloodknights |0-2| The Johnnys' Quest

Outrageous Cretaceous |2-2| The Invisible Assassin

The Mistakes of Life |3-0| The Shire Patch

The Reptile Alliance |1-1| Die Valkyrie

The Fancy Lads |2-1| Red Sabres

Hellbug's Heroes |0-0| The Nox'tlan Narcissists

[/table]

Week 2:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |0-2| The Bloodknights

Outrageous Cretaceous |1-1| Rampage!

The Mistakes of Life |3-1| The Johnnys' Quest

The Reptile Alliance |2-0| The Invisible Assassin

The Fancy Lads |1-0| The Shire Patch

Hellbug's Heroes |0-2| Die Valkyrie

The Nox'tlan Narcissists |0-3| Red Sabres

[/table]

Week 3:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |1-0| Outrageous Cretaceous

The Mistakes of Life |2-1| The Bloodknights

The Reptile Alliance |1-0| Rampage!

The Fancy Lads |1-2| The Johnnys' Quest

Hellbug's Heroes |1-0| The Invisible Assassin

The Nox'tlan Narcissists |1-0| The Shire Patch

Red Sabres |1-2| Die Valkyrie

[/table]

Week 4:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |1-1| The Mistakes of Life

The Reptile Alliance |1-1| Outrageous Cretaceous

The Fancy Lads |1-1| The Bloodknights

Hellbug's Heroes |1-0| Rampage!

The Nox'tlan Narcissists |2-1| The Johnnys' Quest

Red Sabres |3-0| The Invisible Assassin

Die Valkyrie |1-0| The Shire Patch

[/table]

Week 5:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |3-0| The Reptile Alliance

The Fancy Lads |0-1| The Mistakes of Life

Hellbug's Heroes |0-1| Outrageous Cretaceous

The Nox'tlan Narcissists |3-0| The Bloodknights

Red Sabres |1-1| Rampage!

Die Valkyrie |1-3| The Johnnys' Quest

The Shire Patch |0-1| The Invisible Assassin

[/table]

Week 6:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |1-2| The Fancy Lads

Hellbug's Heroes |1-0| The Reptile Alliance

The Nox'tlan Narcissists |0-2| The Mistakes of Life

Red Sabres |1-1| Outrageous Cretaceous

Die Valkyrie |2-1| The Bloodknights

The Shire Patch |0-3| Rampage!

The Invisible Assassin |0-3| The Johnnys' Quest

[/table]

All-Star Week:

{table=head]-|-|-

Division A All-Stars |2-3| Division C All-Stars

Division A All-Stars |3-2| Division B All-Stars

Division C All-Stars |0-3| Division B All-Stars

[/table]

Week 8:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |2-2| Hellbug's Heroes

The Nox'tlan Narcissists |0-1| The Fancy Lads

Red Sabres |4-0| The Reptile Alliance

Die Valkyrie |2-1| The Mistakes of Life

The Shire Patch |0-3| Outrageous Cretaceous

The Invisible Assassin |0-2| The Bloodknights

The Johnnys' Quest |2-1| Rampage!

[/table]

Week 9:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |3-0| The Nox'tlan Narcissists

Red Sabres |1-2| Hellbug's Heroes

Die Valkyrie |2-0| The Fancy Lads

The Shire Patch |1-1| The Reptile Alliance

The Invisible Assassin |2-0| The Mistakes of Life

The Johnnys' Quest |2-0| Outrageous Cretaceous

Rampage! |0-1| The Bloodknights

[/table]

Week 10:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |3-1| Red Sabres

Die Valkyrie |2-0| The Nox'tlan Narcissists

The Shire Patch |0-4| Hellbug's Heroes

The Invisible Assassin |1-1| The Fancy Lads

The Johnnys' Quest |2-0| The Reptile Alliance

Rampage! |2-1| The Mistakes of Life

The Bloodknights |1-2| Outrageous Cretaceous

[/table]

Week 11:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |2-3| Die Valkyrie

The Shire Patch |0-4| Red Sabres

The Invisible Assassin |0-1| The Nox'tlan Narcissists

The Johnnys' Quest |2-1| Hellbug's Heroes

Rampage! |2-1| The Fancy Lads

The Bloodknights |3-1| The Reptile Alliance

Outrageous Cretaceous |3-0| The Mistakes of Life

[/table]

Week 12:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |5-0| The Shire Patch

The Invisible Assassin |0-0| Die Valkyrie

The Johnnys' Quest |4-0| Red Sabres

Rampage! |2-0| The Nox'tlan Narcissists

The Bloodknights |2-1| Hellbug's Heroes

Outrageous Cretaceous |0-1| The Fancy Lads

The Mistakes of Life |1-2| The Reptile Alliance

[/table]

Week 13:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |2-1| The Invisible Assassin

The Johnnys' Quest |3-0| The Shire Patch

Rampage! |1-2| Die Valkyrie

The Bloodknights |0-2| Red Sabres

Outrageous Cretaceous |2-0| The Nox'tlan Narcissists

The Mistakes of Life |0-2| Hellbug's Heroes

The Reptile Alliance |0-2| The Fancy Lads

[/table]

Week 14:

{table=head]-|-|-

Selene's Seductive Strut |3-2| The Johnnys' Quest

Rampage! |0-2| The Invisible Assassin

The Bloodknights |3-0| The Shire Patch

Outrageous Cretaceous |2-1| Die Valkyrie

The Mistakes of Life |0-3| Red Sabres

The Reptile Alliance |0-1| The Nox'tlan Narcissists

The Fancy Lads |2-2| Hellbug's Heroes

[/table]

Playoff Schedule and Results

Playoff Quarter-Finals:

{table=head]Match|-|-|-

1| The Johnnys' Quest | 1-2 | The Fancy Lads

2| Die Valkyrie | 2-1 | Outrageous Cretaceous

3| The Bloodknights | 2-0 | The Mistakes of Life

4| Selene's Seductive Strut | 1-2 | Hellbug's Heroes

[/table]

Playoff Semi-Finals:

{table=head]Match|-|-|-

1| Die Valkyrie | 1-2 | The Fancy Lads

2| Hellbug's Heroes | 2-0 | The Bloodknights

[/table]

GITP Fantasy Blood Bowl Final:

{table=head]-|-|-

Hellbug's Heroes | - | The Fancy Lads

[/table]

[Aedilred]

Leaders – Playoffs Week 2

SPPs:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|SPPs
1|Amateratsu*|The Mistakes of Life|55
3|Kowen*|Selene's Seductive Strut |49
2| “Itchy” Feet|The Johnnys' Quest|43
=5|T.P. XAN|Selene's Seductive Strut|9
[/table]

Passes:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|Passes
1|Göndul*|Die Valkyrie|12
2|Fernand O.E. Arrow|Red Sabres|9
3|Dijon “Crazy” Bone|The Johnnys' Quest|8
=4|T.P. XAN|Selene's Seductive Strut|3
=4|Valerie von Streissenhower|Bloodknights|3
[/table]

Casualties:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|Cas
=1|Doc Nutsmasher| Selene's Seductive Strut|10
=2|Bloomberg*|The Johnnys' Quest|8
=2| “Fat” Ronald|Red Sabres|8
=4|Ajax*|Hellbug's Heroes|7
=4|Fredo D. Stefani*|Red Sabres|7
=4|Sigrún|Die Valkyrie|7
=4|Kowen*|Selene's Seductive Strut|7
[/table]

Kills:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|Kills
1|Bloomberg*|The Johnnys' Quest|4
2| “Fat” Ronald|Red Sabres|2
=3|Quetankha of the Jungles of Despair*|Outrageous Cretaceous|1
=3|Jean Lebaptiste|The Johnnys' Quest|1
=3|Nolud|Selene's Seductive Strut|1
=3|Fredo D. Stefani*|Red Sabres|1
=3|Rick S.T. Lee|Red Sabres|1
=3|Frodo Baggins|The Shire Patch|1
=3|Keri Rosewater|The Shire Patch|1
=3|Manny|Hellbug's Heroes|1
=3|Lyngvi*|Rampage!|1
=3|Admiral Ackbar*|The Reptile Alliance|1
=3|Balmung|Rampage!|1
=3|Vercingetorix|Hellbug's Heroes|1
=3|Quetankha of the Jungles of Despair|Outrageous Cretaceous|1
=3|Artemis|The Fancy Lads|1
=3|Tenquax of Dawn|The Reptile Alliance (JNY)|1
=3|Konrad ze Krazy|Bloodknights|1
=3|Sam Vinchester|Bloodknights|1
=3|Louise Moldovia|Bloodknights|1
=3|Trush|Hellbug's Heroes|1
=3|L.N. Rickman|Red Sabres|1
=3|Ajax|Hellbug's Heroes|1
=3|Bodyguard 2|The Invisible Assassin|1
[/table]

KOs:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|KOs
1|Green Nail|Selene's Seductive Strut|10
=2|Seb Sha Bal*|Red Sabres|9
=2|Konrad ze Krazy|Bloodknights|9
4|Fredo D. Stefani*|Red Sabres|8
=4|Trush|Hellbug's Heroes|8
=4|Orgeterix|Hellbug's Heroes|8
[/table]

Interceptions:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|IT
1|Adam McGillis|Hellbug's Heroes|1
[/table]

Rushing Yards:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|YR
1|Amateratsu*|The Mistakes of Life|742
2|Sessrumnir*|Rampage!|632
3|T.P. XAN|Selene's Seductive Strut|540
4|W. Tell*|The Fancy Lads|440
5|Tlaxankha of the Forests of the Viper|Outrageous Cretaceous|434
6|Derk von Duneheim*|Bloodknights|432
7|Danforth*|The Fancy Lads|398
8|Distraction*|The Invisible Assassin|368
9|Edrad “The Stepdad” Oril|The Invisible Assassin|362
=10|Fernand O.E. Arrow|Red Sabres|334
=10|Göndul|Die Valkyrie|334

[/table]

League Leaders - Playoffs

SPPs:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|SPPs
1|Mist|Die Valkyrie|13
2|Konrad ze Krazy|Bloodknights|10
3|Orgeterix|Hellbug's Heroes|8
=4|Kowen|Selene's Seductive Strut |7
=4|Max Dryhauser|Hellbug's Heroes|7
[/table]

Touchdowns:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|TDs
1|Danforth|The Fancy Lads|2
=2|(15 players)|Various|1
[/table]

Passes:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|Passes
1|Göndul|Die Valkyrie|3
2|Valerie von Streissenhower|1
[/table]

Casualties:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|Cas
1|Orgeterix|Hellbug's Heroes|4
=2|Doc Nutsmasher|Selene's Seductive Strut|2
=2|Kowen|Selene's Seductive Strut|2
=3|(13 players)|Various|2
[/table]


KOs:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|KOs
=1|Trush|Hellbug's Heroes|2
=1|Diggles Bouldercot|Selene's Seductive Strut|2
=1|Henri|The Fancy Lads|2
=1|Brunbob|Hellbug's Heroes|2
=1|Sam Vinchester|Bloodknights|2
[/table]


Rushing Yards:
{table=head]Rank|Name|Team|YR
1|Danforth|The Fancy Lads|72
=2|Xi-li of Huatl|Rampage!|50
=2|W. Tell|The Fancy Lads|50
4|Konrad ze Krazy|Bloodknights|46
5|Flush|Hellbug's Heroes|42
[/table]4|Derk von Duneheim*|Bloodknights|41
5|T.P. XAN|Selene's Seductive Strut|40
[/table]

[Tastier]

Jah Na’vi’s Scout Report - Week XIV
Your chronicle of the latest gossip juice in the sanguine vessel.
*Jah Na’vi’s Scout Report is a for profit magazine published by the Johnnys’ Quest Publishing LLC

Plot to Steal Knight Fortune
Filian Knight, owner of Crike, Inc. (Orcidas’ chief competitor), has recently fallen deftly ill. The elFBI (Elfen Bureau of Investigation) suspects foul play. In the event of his death, newly hired thrall of The Bloodknight, Knight, is the last living relative of Filian Knight and stands to inherit his fortune. The recent ‘accidental’ deaths of his younger brother Squire and his Cousin are now thought to have been planned hits. It’s rumored that the player swap the placed him on the roster of the Johnnys’ Quest, was protective custody to keep him separated from his Cousin. It’s unclear what role Hellbug’s Heroes and The Red Sabres may have played, but the elFBI investigation is ongoing.


No One Takes T. Partí Seriously
At a recent press event wherein the Johnnys’ introduced the world to their new thrower, John Partí, the reporters on the scene couldn’t stop making puns. The Johnnys’ manager Tastier had this to say, “Their tone was totally inappropriate for the event. In the wake of Dijon’s death some respect would have been nice. Questions like, ‘Excuse me, Mr. T, what are you brewing today?’, and, ‘When are the Johnnys’ planning to hire Madam Crumpet?’- they’re not even good jokes.” When reached for comment Mr. T. Partí said, “Come on guys, lets be mature. My middle name is Thaddeus. What’s so funny about that?”


Cardinal Took’s Gambling Debts Forgiven
It seems even goblins have a sense of mercy. In a uncharacteristic move Goblin Gambling gave up trying to collect Cardinal Took’s outstanding debts after their enforcer realized he didn’t have any more knees to break. According to a press release they’re poised to a hundred times as much money from people betting whether on he’ll live to see the end of the season as he actually owes, and they just want to make sure he can afford the medical care he needs to make out on the pitch one last time.


Jah Na'vi's Playoff Predictions

Lightning vs Lightning!
Lightning Bolts everywhere have expressed growing concern that Rampage thrower, Sessrumnir, has tarnished their good name. He performance since adopting the moniker has been underwhelming at best. We expect the frustration to thunder over at a critical point in this week’s game, ending the Rampage’s bid for the cup.


Sabres Fan Riot in Record
As the Red Sabres chance of making the playoffs has dwindled, their fans have gotten increasingly agitated. It’s common knowledge that they’re preparing to riot if the Sabres don’t make the cut. The leader of the fan organization has even filed for the riot permit. When Rampage and Outrageous stumble the Sabres do make the playoffs, the fans won’t know what to do and will riot anyone. We’re expecting property damage in excess of the Red Sabre’s heavy team value.


T. Parti burns Johnnys
New thrower Jon T. Parti hasn’t played at a professional level long. He will fumble a critical pass with full stadium watching, and it’ll be run in for a defensive touchdown leading to a loss in the first round.


Valerie’s Hook Ups
Valerie Von Streissenhower will hook up with Derk Von Dunheim both on and off the pitch.


Triple-S and Die Valkyrie Turn Heads
Their semifinal match will be a repeat of of the match earlier in the season, and the best match of the post season. They’ll set a new attendance record.


Heroes Take Another Number Two
As in Season II, the Heroes will make it to the finals and lose.


Die Valkyrie gets a Slumber Party
The Scout report thinks that the lovely ladies of Die Valkyrie will defeat the Heroes in the final and win the Season III trophy. When they do, we’re expecting a slumber party to celebrate. We here at the Scout Report sure hope someone records the pillow fight.

If any of those things do happen, you’ll read about it here in Jah Na'vi’s Scout Report.

Jah Na’vi’s Scout Report - Week IX

Nolud’s Joyride
You may remember from last months issue that Nolud of Triple-S grew a second head. Well, he’s back in the news this week after crashing his stage coach into a Treeman. An anonymous source reported a conversation between his left and right heads that took place in an underworld night club. Apparently Noleft and Ritud each thought is was the others turn to be the designated coachman.


A Correction
Last month we mistakenly reported that Sessrumnir was seen with Amateratsu at his castle. Our source on the story has since rescinded his statements saying that he may have mixed Amateratsu with a handsome set of edwardian golf clubs that Sess was using during a pleasant afternoon of golf.


Interview with Jumpy Longears

This is Jah Na’vi here with Jumpy Longears. Welcome to the Scout Report, Ms. Longears.

JL - Thanks. It’s a pleasure to be here.

So what was it like to be back out on the pitch after more than a season off?

JL - Good. It felt good. I haven’t had much opportunity to knock people down back on the family rabbit farm.
So your parents are rabbit farmers? Is that how you got your name?

JL - Yes. It was my grandmothers name, too.

And your nickname, ‘The Fast’, where did that come from?

JL - Well, most people seem to think it’s because of 100yd dash, but it actually came from back at Treetop High. There was a rumor going around that I liked to jump on the bed if you know what I mean.

I’m sure. So what do think of your new teammates?

JL - Well, I knew some of the guys from my days on The Trees. Itchy’s even more restless than back then I think. He’s always happy to go for a run, but he never has time to stay and chat. And M. T.’s as incorrigible as ever, still thinks he’s king of the world. They got together and introduced me to the rest of the team. Bloomberg has a fierce calmness to her. She’s very protective of the squad. And then there’s Dijon, always worrying about his figure. I’ve never seen an elf so obsessed with carrots. Calls ‘em a superfood. You’d think he was the rabbit farmer.

That’s for sure. How about the rest of the league?

JL - Well, those Von Dunheim fellows are pretty easy on the eye …. mhmmm …

I meant, what do you think of them as opponents?

JL - Oh right, uh, to be honest I haven’t really been following the league. I know we shut out Outrageous Cretaceous in the last match, but I think they have a lot of potential. I hope they stick around for next season, it can be tough for all rookie teams to make their way in the league against the more established ones, but sophomore teams tend to do pretty well.

So, how about you pose for a couple of portraits? Just three or four.

JL - Sure.

Let’s start with you in uniform. No need for a helmet. The fans want to see your face.

….................

Looks like our artist has finished the first one.

http://i529.photobucket.com/albums/dd336/Lotusflowerful/jumpy.png

JL - Whew, that took a while. How many of these did I agree to pose for?

Four. For the second, why don’t you try something more casual.

JL - How about you just copy the first one and change the clothes?

Well, we could, but ….

JL - So it’s settled. See ya later! *whoosh*

There she goes, out the window... Well, I guess we could take her suggestion. That’s it for the Scout Report. Goodnight!

http://i529.photobucket.com/albums/dd336/Lotusflowerful/jumpy2.png

Week V - Mid Season Report

Game by Game
Week 1
2-0 season opener vs the Bloodknights. A solid win where all the moving pieces did what they were supposed to. Dijon’s butterfingers were the only sour note.

Week 2
1-3 loss against the Mistakes. The Mistakes used witchcraft to keep Dijon’s hands off the ball. Still, it could easily have gone the way of 2-2 draw despite the disadvantage. With Dijon at a 100% it likely could have been a win.

Week 3
2-1 success vs The Fancy Lads. Once again the Quest and the Lads are in the same division. A win over one of the strongest teams is doubly a boon.

Week 4
1-2 ****-up vs the Nox’tlan Narcissists. The team of this season’s premiere absentee manager doesn’t seem to mind. It feels bad to lose to an uninduced worse on paper team. It’s another loss that could easily have been a win.

Week 5
3-1 victory over Die Valkyrie. In this game between teams with similar styles and team values the Johnnys’ came through with a repeat of the Season 2 match.


What do the Statistics say?
2nd in Touchdowns Scored
Tied for 3rd in Touchdowns Against
Tied with 3 other teams for 3rd best Touchdown Differential +2

Tied for last for the number casualties inflicted.
Middle of the pack for number of KOs inflicted.

Most passes completed of any team.
4th most SPPs generated this season.

Chart I
http://i529.photobucket.com/albums/dd336/Lotusflowerful/chart_1.png

Chart II
http://i529.photobucket.com/albums/dd336/Lotusflowerful/chart_2.png

So Manager, what do you think?
We have been basically injury free (for an agility team). This is excellent during a season where the number of consequential casualties seems quite high. We still have games against a number of dangerous teams though. We’ve got 2 more lizardmen teams to face, old toughies including the Red Sabres and Rampage, dirty teams like Triple S and the Assassin, and this season’s meat grinders- Hellbug’s Heroes. *Shudder*

The wins feel good and the losses feel like flukes. As it stands now, I don’t think there’s a match left , except perhaps the Sabres, where I wouldn’t pick the Johnnys’ to win. In any case I don’t think it will be too much trouble to get into the playoffs. This season's level ups all have been useful, most notably Stomach's +1 ST and Dijon's sure hands. I think the best signs of success can be seen in the above charts. The Johnny’s are doing well in points, TDs, and SPPs are are near the other leading teams on the plots.

How many more games will the Johnnys' win? I'd say [roll0]

Jah Na’vi’s Scout Report - Week IV

Your chronicle of the latest gossip juice in the sanguine vessel.
*Jah Na’vi’s Scout Report is a for profit magzine published by the Johnnys’ Quest Publishing LLC

Nolud’s New Growth!
Nolud, player for Triple S, was spotted this week sporting a stylish new growth protruding from his neck. This comes in the wake of a match where he threw a lethal block against Tocadohi of Hautl of Outrageous Cretaceous. Sources report the gross lizard juice that shot out probably “discombobulated his flesh or something.” Photos have surfaced suggesting that the new growth is a second head. No word yet on which head is dominant but if past blood bowlers who’ve grown a second head are any indication, it should be fun to watch them figure it out or kill each other.


Does J. Doe’s New Album Not Go Far Enough?!
Former player for the Johnnys’ Quest, J. Doe, was once again drawing attention to his music career. His new album ‘Songs of Amnesia’ has flared tempers among some fans who were more familiar with his older work for it’s lack of violence and viritol. There’s are no references made to viscera, sex, or narcotics at all. When asked to comment on the outrage, “Being a musician-poet who transcends genres even as he reinvents them is hard work. Since my dismissal from the Johnnys’ I’ve discovered a new peaceful world amongst the leaves of Lorain Wald, the city of the forest. I think my fans will come around.”


Sessrumnir and Amaterasu Together!
Photographic evidence has surfaced allegedly of Lady Amaterasu of the Mistakes horse riding alone with Sessrumnir of Rampage on the grounds of his castle estate in Moorland. Our expert on human behavior reports that the rigorous code human nobles are expected to follow would normally forbid such an encounter unless the couple was engaged or married. The implications of the story, if they are true, are scandalous. We can only hope.


A Correction
A correction from last weeks article ‘Weight Loss through Blood Loss’. Our story reported that blood loss was effective means to reduce ones overall mass, and we stand by the position. However, it was not made clear that blood letting as described could have some other significant consequences. Side effects may include dizziness, lightheadedness, unusual appetite, nausea, death, and swarms of vampires.
Week III - From the Desk of Big ‘Wig’ Johnson

2013/04/29


As the Manager of the Johnnys’ Quest, some say you’re to blame for the spectacular collapse at the end of last season.
I thought we agreed that this interview was only going to be about this season.

Are you happy with your victory over the Vampires in Week I?
Well it was a victory and a shut-out. All the moving pieces of the team went out there and did their jobs. Bloomberg kept the opponents on the ground and Dijon slung the ball cleanly downfield to the receivers. If we keep playing like this we should make the playoffs easily. (Winning the division is another matter) If I had to critique the match, and I do, I’d say the Bloodknight haven’t hit their stride. Tripping in front of the goal line isn’t really something I can credit to our defense. The bumbling attempts to pick up the ball didn’t do anything to make my elves look graceful either.

What mistakes were made in week two?
Alright. So, Dijon comes in late for the match. “I can’t find my hands”. I was dumbfounded. “What did you do with them?! Unlike Feet they don’t just get up walk away.” “Well I was out late at the pub late last night. You know happens when you drink too much wood alcohol. I can’t remember a thing.” And then the game whistle blew. I didn’t even have a chance to tell the team... Well, you know the rest. Even with Dijon being hungover I think we would’ve had a chance if we could’ve kept him away from the ball for once.

What could you have done differently to leash Amaterasu?
Leash her? You’d better hope she doesn’t read this. As long as she stays healthy and can remember to bring her hands to the game she’ll give everyone fits. There’s been some wild rumors swirling about her. Our team’s sp- uh, scout can’t figure out where the truth lies. Some of the more ridiculous reports indicate that she’s half amazon, or she’s half highelf, the werewolf that bit her was a yhetee, she once dated Sessrumnir, and her eyes are- that’s not important.

Can we get a preview of the upcoming match with the fancy lads?
They block like norseman, move the ball like pro elves, and are strong to boot. It’ll be a tough one for sure especially with Stomach out with, well, an upset stomach. I told him not to eat so much before swimming. I can tell you that we’ll have some star talent on the pitch though and Jean seems primed to deliver some more hit this week. As for the lads player’s if we can contain Danforth we have chance to outscore the greenbacks. It’ll be nice to have the stadium full too, even though many of the fans will be cheering the orcs. A little publicity goes a long way.

What do you think of the number of Lizardmen teams in the league this year?
Well, Outrageous Cretaceous seems to have the best offense, but the team I’m most concerned with is the Reptile Alliance. They’ve left the teams most similar to the Quest hurting. Not only that, but they’ve got some veterans from Season I. Perhaps this is why ReAngleo is the skink in everyone’s sights, but I think anyone who saw Princess Leia’s ball handling against the Invisible Assassin in Week II knows that she can handle herself. Apparently the metal bikini she wears is more than functional, allowing for a degree of protection without compromising freedom of movement. It’s also is the also the traditional armor of her royal house.

There’s been some speculation in the media that you’re working out a deal to pick up some players from the the wood elf legacy. It’s natural considering you’ve hired some players of the Trees in past. Well that and Stomach and Feet both the made the cut this year and are looking good out there. Are you looking to drag any other unfortunate souls back out onto the pitch?
Were not planning any roster changes at this time... but... nevermind.

[Tychris1]

Carpe Noctem!
Premiere Magazine for all things that go bump in the night.


KONRADS KORNER!
Konrad sad after Squire friend death, Konrad make newspaper to cheer self up.

Hello reading people! This is Konrad here! Me was supposed to go on interview today, but I find nice big pile of sugar in Derks room, and now me host for today. First guest is new thrall for Bloodknight team, Knight!

Knight:Uuuugh.... Hey Konrad..... Are you... Alright? Your nose is a bit torn......

KK:Konrad head hurt. He take Derks special sugar, make Derk very angry, and then the Unicorns appeared. Need more sugar. But that beside point. People think you involved with death of Squire and his cousin. Were you a meanie? I wouldn't do that, but that just Konrad.

Knight: What? No, I... Of course not! Squire was my brother, I loved him more then anything else. I mean, we had our..... You really should go see a doctor, you don't look alright. Hey, what are you doing? Get away! I'm in a cast! Wait no!-

We had to end the interview due to Knight suffering from a bad case of thrown out of window-itis, coupled with his previous boo boo. It's a pandemic, really. Uuuuugh...... What to write now..... Oh! Valerie gave me a note, something about the uuuh... Playoffs. Right. Now, where Konrad put that..... Ah, here it is.

"Listen you stupid hunk of meat, i'm still preparing the ritual for our next game, Lucius refuses to break his stupid enigmatic bad boy schtick, and Derk is still in the hospital from Daemon Dust overdose. It regrets me to say that it's up to you to go into Carpe Noctem and talk about the Playoffs for The Bloodknights. Don't mess this up, and make sure you come back with something to eat."

Right! Hmmmmm..... Playoffs...... Lets look at these papers......

Carpe Noctem: Sir.... Your holding them upsid-

Konrad: KONRAD KNOW WHAT HE DOING.

CN: Yes sir......

Konrad: Anyway.... Konrad beat smelly rot heads into their smelly rot holes. Except pretty wolf lady, she nice to Konrad. Since Derk is still looking for sugar and Valerie is still mad at me, I bring Lucius in to help Konrad. Lucius!

Lucius: Yes, well you're lucky his ex-wife shipped me here. Konrad gets bored fairly easy.

CN: You're telling me. Wait, doesn't coming in ruin your enigmatic thing?

Konrad: ENOUGH TALK! Time for talk!*

CN: I don't think that makes sense.....

Lucius: Don't question it, and only if i'm the one writing. I have to keep a certain air of distance from the fans. Anyway, about our upcoming game against the Heroes.

Konrad: Konrad fight many Orcs in boxing arena, make Konrad strong and fast. Konrad strongest! Konrad smash spikey heads!

Lucius: Yes, well, aside from the obvious brick wall that is Konrad, we've since been working on furthering our gameplan options. Our last game against The Heroes showed how a little bit of aerial mobility goes along way, and with Derks strong defense and my increased speed it feels like our options have greatly expanded.

Konrad: And Blud Bags shiny trinket! I found that one myself! Pretty amazon lady gave it as gift.....

Lucius: Yes, it certainly saved me a lot of time. Especially after I almost lost my soul to that Lord of Change for my Jack B. Nimble shoes. Aside from our upcoming game, we should probably comment on the Die Valkyrie and Fancy Lad game.

Konrad: Orc team is nice, they remind me of Konrad, and they are very fun! But women team is also nice and they alot of fun too, though they make Derk act funny. I hope both teams win.

Lucius:..... Well, from a more tactical standpoint Die Valkyrie are like a massive spider, vicious and incredibly fast, with spindly limbs that will reach over you and pin you down. But if you strike hard enough at one of the limbs, the whole body will tumble. The Fancy Lads face a hard time no doubt, but I have trust in their bashing capabilities that if they can knock 1-2 good players out of the game, then it'll be a simple matter of sweeping the others as well.... Aaaaand Konrad jumped out of the window. Brilliant.

CN: Well, since we're not being held hostage anymore I guess you can go?

Lucius: Yeah, I was wondering how long it would take for the drugs in Konrad to reinforce his dementia. Hopefully the empowered runic armor Valerie gave him will make him survive the fall. Hopefully.

CN: Great, with Konrad burning most of the paper, slaughtering a host of interns, and taking a chunk of our food with him we won't have the manpower to actually get this place running. Well, I guess we'll just print this out.

From all us here at Carpe Noctem, please avoid Konrad. More so then usual, atleast. I thought I saw him hobbling after an ice cream cart. Poor vendor.

Week 11:
Welcome back Ladies and Thralls! Things have been going topsy turvy in the world of Blood Bowl, and we here at Carpe Noctem! are on the case to get it all down. With so many things happening, it's hars to keep it all together! But luckily for you readers at home, we've got a special treat. An interview where we sit down with Blood Bowl players Konrad Ze Krazy, Derk and Lucius Von Duneheim, Coach Tychris, and after leaving her music tour ex-Wizard for the Blood Knights and now full time Vampire Player Valerie "Vampeera" Von Streissenhower! Let's get right to it!

We sat all the stars down in a circular table, our representative sat on the opposite end facing Coach Tychris.

CN: Well then, it's good to see you all here! Now, the readers are curious as to what you all think about the past few games that have been going on.

Tychris: I can't say i'm less then impressed with the performance that my boys have given me, ever since the All Star week i've seen rapid improvement in all of them. Konrads really stepped up his front and center fightin style, Lucius is as elusive as ever, and Derk has been a great swiss army knife for us. I think the time spent around the pros has really rubbed off on them.

Derk/Konrad/Lucius: Ayup/Have you ever tried to taste yourself?/Sounds about right.

CN: Yes, the crowds seem to be pleased with how they are performing recently. To bring things to a more recent light, Valerie, how does it feel to be the newest (And first female) Vampire hired for the team?

Valerie: It's not as bad as one might think. I used to be married to this big chunk of slobbering meat, so i've had plenty of experience with the boys. I can see why they so easily signed up for it. It's rather exhilerating!

Tychris: Not like it was cheap to hire you.......

We reconvened at the table in 30 minutes, after Coach Tychris' lungs stopped caving in on themselves from Valeries sucker punch

CN: Yes, well after such hits as "Blocks Don't Lie", "Illegal Move", and "How do you score" it seems like you've been gearing up for your Blood Bowl career. Do you think it'll match your music career?

Valerie: Well, despite my success with vocals, i'd like to think that whenever I do something I strive to be the best at it. Otherwise, what's the point of trying?

CN: Shifting back to you Derk, your rising fame and experience seem to indicate you as the tip of the spear for the Blood Knights charge to the playoffs. With all this ramping pressure do you think you'll perform against such veteran teams like the Red Sabres?

Derk: I have trust in my Thralls, in my Brothers, and in my inner circle. I'm not the only thing that keeps the team moving. But yes, i'll definetely pull through. I'm the best there ever is or was.

CN: Well then. With such a bold statement, keeping you in top condition must be a priority, how do you handle the stress?

Derk: Amazon Cheerleaders and Daemon Dust. Lots and lots of Daemon Dust.

CN: Is that........ Entirely legal?

Tychris: Lets move on to the next question…………

CN: Got it. So Konrad, how does it feel to be named "Sexiest Blocker" by CRUSH SKULLZ magazine?

Konrad: Konrad doesn't always take his medicine. But when he does, he feeds it to Squire and tell Tychris he did.

Tychris:........Dammit

We reconvened yet again an hour later, after Konrad took his mood stabilizers due to a bout of "KONRAD SMASH! KONRAD KILL!"

CN: To any readers at home, here's a picture of Konrad posing for his award.
http://img-cache.cdn.gaiaonline.com/88698fcd43234cfac5fa57a85223b049/http://i729.photobucket.com/albums/ww293/Shade_Shinobi/Vampires/VampireWarrior.jpg

CN: Lets start rounding this out, this conference room can't take too much more of a beating. Now, Lucius, you're the official treasure hunter for the Blood Knights. What wacky artifacts can we expect this week?

Lucius: Nothing too peculiar. After tomb robbing some old Draco Lich crypts, I found the claws of some dusty old Dragon Lord or another, apparently they grant the wielder immense ferocity and strength in combat.

CN: Sounds great!

Lucius: Except they're apparently cursed so that they turn on the wielder whenever he falters, slowly drains their soul, and kind of fuse into their hands. I haven't yet figured out how to remove them, so until then Blud Bag is left with razor sharp overly sized bone claws for hands. Didn't really have time to read the instructions before the Draco Lich of the crypt woke up and tried to eat me.

CN: Well, best of luck to him in that regard. Lastly, Tychris what is your opinion on the current fiasco with management in the league?

Tychris: In most cases I would have my phalanx of lawyers investigate and probe at it, but Crow has given me solid advice in hiring the (Exuberantly priced) Valerie, plus me and the boys still owe him for that particularly hazy night of gambling on ourselves again. So i'll let sleeping dogs lay where they be and go with the flow.

That's all here for Carpe Noctem! As always stay classy readers, avoid stakes, and please kick the fat blonde kid that keeps trying to sell garlic outside of our HQ.

Mid-Season Team Review
It seems as if the funeral dirges are ringing for the Blood Knights (And not in a good way!) after their last defeat at the hands of the Narcissists, who deftly crushed the vampires 3 nothing. With their current losing pattern, things are looking bleak for the Vampires, and many fans are throwing in the towel. As of such, Coach Tychris has decided to sit down and address his team as they approach their next game against the more veteran amazons, and rapidly approach the midseason point, a burst of energy is certainly required for the Knights to get back into it. With the statistical knowledge at the fisposal of Carpe Noctem! we hope to help coach Tychris (And avoid his ire) in this analytical report of what is working and what isn't. Now, let's get to it!

Blood Knight Mid Season Ratings

Bloodlust Control: 9/10
In a surprising turn of events the lone Vampire team has managed to hold its lust for blood under wraps for most the season currently. Aside from a recent, minor slip up against the Narcissists, the Blood Knights have feasted regularly before and after the match, and as of such have managed to keep more thralls standing on the pitch. Surprisingly, Derk and Lucius have shown the only real lust for Blood, leaving the greatly unstable Konrad at the peak of the dog pit for controlling his urges. They'll be needing this fortitude, as every thrall will be worth his weight in gold when wins start counting for more and more.

Hypnotic Gaze usage: 2/10
The Vampires have yet to really use their Hypnotic gazes properly on the battlefield, instead trying for the reliable method of bashing the other teams face in. Despite the tactical capabilities of such a mystical power, Konrad and Derk find little use in it, and Lucius spends all his time in the end zone and thus cannot use it even if he wants. Despite the pit falling of this skill going unused, there is little that can be done about it, and will remain a shelf skill for the Vampires. Hopefully it will come further into play in the late season, but nothing can be done to motivate the vampires into seductively gazing into their enemies (Except for the Amazons).

Thrall Power: 8/10
The thralls of the Blood Knights have really been showing their colors, some of them becoming fan favorites (Even over the Duneheim brothers) and they are certainly not slacking when it comes to progression. Blazing star Squire has shown his skill when it comes to playing on the pitch, and it seems like he'll be leading the other Thralls in his example. Considering how the Vampires are fairing currently, the Blood Knights are going to have to rely on thralls more and more to get things done until the Vamps get moving.

Showmanship: 8/10
If there is one thing the Bloodknights do not lack, it's class. Whether it be riling up a crowd in order to score a touchdown against the Mistakes, or pull out all the stakes when it comes to showing up and matching the Fancy Lads, the Vamps have not disappointed us yet in the regard of having a good match. Even in defeat, the sheer qualities of a Vampire team lead to chaos and fast plays on the pitch, all things that warm the heart of our dear blood bowl players.

Chivalry: 10/10
Though they have yet to face the all female Amazon team, whenever the Bloodknights tread the pitch, it is always at the sake of any lady, fan or player. Their gentlemen handling of Amateratsu and her mad dashes for the end line, such as Derk putting his cloak over a mud pit, and Lucius ensuring that she got up properly for the second half of the pitch might have effected their odds at winning, but it solidified their integrity. One can only wonder how they will handle there upcming match.

Blitzes: 7/10
Despite their training with jousts and lance based combat, the Bloodknights have yet to really show their muscle off and really plow through the enemy lines. Konrad, master horseback jouster as he is, sorely needs to improve his current game mindset if he wishes to re-establish his old nicknames of "The Slayer" and "The Black Knight". The fans certainly know he's not exerting himself enough, as the KO to Casualty ratio for him can show.

Maidens Nabbed: 9/10
Many fans have recently asked "How do the Bloodknights afford all their advertising and arrogant gambling on themselves?" Well, for starters, those fans are dead for the second comment (Or now thralls). And secondly, it has to do with the greatest business of them all; Vampires seducing fair ladies in order to get generous donations, and the Bloodknights have been orchestrating it in spades. The Von Duneheim brothers have consistently managed to afford Tychris' drunken bouts of gambling and poor management with their consorts, and Konrad's web of resources has pulled in many a inducement. With the upcoming match against Die Valkyrie, the Vampires have set their sights on nabbing Amazonians, and a fierce competition has started amongst the 3 of them for top rights (To the greedy delight of Tychris' consultants). The current total seems to be,
K: 12
D:8
L:9
And if the current luck for the Bloodknights is any indicator for the rest of the season, then the Vampires are going to have to pull out all the stops if they intend on staying afloat money wise.

Overall: 53/70
The Bloodknights have started out shakily, losing matches that ought to have been ties or at the very least, less one sided, and their place seems bleak. Yet the Vampires are beginning to develop, and with their already impressive statline and Thrall-line (Coupled with what we have already seen the Vampires capable of) we can easily hope that the second half of the season will fair better then the first. At the very least they will end on a high note with both halfs, facing off against the Shire Patch and Die Valkyrie, and should at the very least prove to make interesting (And visibly exciting and enjoyable) matches.

Until next week, stay away from stakes, and happy hunting!

Week 3 & 4

We're back folks! After a thrall ran into our supply line of necrotic energy we've managed to perform enough blasphemous rituals to get our night time weekly back on print! And to make up for lost time we've got special treats in the form of an interview with Bloodknight Coach Tychris himself!

CN: Glad to have you here. Let's try to make up for lost time and ask about the game against Triple-S

T: Absolutely amazing. The boys performed great, Konrad even manages to keep himself in control the whole match despite having enough dope in him to kill a man (Mainly because we fed him a man who overdosed on the stuff). Lucius and Derk worked in tandem to "accidentally" get that ball to the endzone. Many of my Necromancer cohorts were laughing when that happened.

CN: And it seemed as if the Thralls were showing their stripes that day aswell.

T: Indeed! After weeks of training, Squire finished his apprenticeship to Derk and has finally donned the Knights armor after severe training with the blocking dummy. He's been harder to knock over ever since. Devouxe Edjut even managed to hone his religious fanaticism to Konrad into a wrestlin technique that can knock down the best of them. Many a barmaid went missing that day.

CN: Now back to pressing matters, what do you have to say about the game against the Mistakes?

T: In an effort to avoid the pun "We made a terrible mistake" I'll instead say that a mixture of pride from the last match, chivalry to Amateretsu, and an overall lack of discipline from the thralls lead to the Knights being all over the place. Konrad couldn't even keep himself in check, all I saw was a red flash, and suddenly Konrad had tackled Sam Vinchester to the ground and began draining him. We didn't even know he had a smashed hip until after the game when Sam and Dean Vinchester tried to do their ceremonial dance party while "Wayward Son" plays in the background.

CN: It is a classic. Speaking of classics, how do you intend on handling the veteran team of The Fancy Lads?

T: I've decided to pull out all the stops for this fight. The Fancy Lads have been on good terms with the Bloodknights due to the gentlemens code of "You don't scuff my fancy suit, I don't scuff yours." But Bloodbowl makes barbarians out of nobles and heroes out of peasants, so they won't be pulling punches, and neither will we. I've hired out Konrad's ex-girlfriend and psychiatrist, Vampeera, after her singing career ended and she decided to delve further into magic. Derk has been outfitted with an experimental suit of fullplate armor that should make him more then a match for the Fancy Lads Black Orcs, so long as the unholy runes stand, and he is fed enough blood before the match. I've thrown Lucius into a cell, deprived him of blood, and fed him warpdust laced warer and blood that should temporarily make him a Varghulf. Squire and Edjut have both been places as Thrall Commanders, and have put the other thralls through a rigorous training course. And finally i've entrusted Konrad to rile up the crowd with the same warpdust water, infect as many crowd members as possible, and to finally draft all the fans from Transylvania into coming with 50% off coupons whilst barring the entrance to Fancy Lad fans. Win or lose, I can't say I didn't try.

CN: Some of that sounds..... Less then legal.

T: Screw the rules, I HAVE MONEY!

CN: Yes indeed........

That's all folks! Next week we'll have a post game interview with Vampeera and Konrad the Krazy, assuming he survives the game! Good Night, and Happy Hunting!

Week 2
Don't say we can't work miracles! After losing several intern thralls we managed to get ALL THREE of the Vampires from the Blood Knights to have an interview about their last match and the future of Blood Bowl itself. We'll start it off with Derk, being the easiest to obtain.

Derk Von Duneheim
We managed to wrangle him by paying headcoach Tychris into making Derk pose for Playdead, our more adult orientated sister magazine.

D: It's great to be here today.

CN: Great to have you, so, let's start this off properly hy asking what you thiugh of the last match.

D: Urgh. That was an absolute travesty. I didn't expect us to conquer, but the edjuts couldn't keep a hold of the ball! Good thing we won't be fighting them again for a while now....

CN: Some rather, critical, fans point to Sir Lancelot as the reason you lost. Has Lancelot seen any backlash from the rest of the team?

D: We've currently been floggin-I mean motivationally encouraging Sir Lancelot to work on his foot eye coordination, so that he doesn't slip on another of Konrad's blood vials that get thrown everywhere. Squire has taken a great interest in this "Motivation" and Tychris seems to be supporting it with some extra "work" on the side.

CN: Right then. Changing subjects, what do you think of Selen's Seductive Strut?

D: I hold great respect for them. They have a very different playstyle from our own and fight at an inherent disadvantage due to their lack of undead players. I cannot wait to see how the match ends up.

CN: Interesting to see a player so sportsman like in Blood Bowl. Are there any players you believe we should keep an eye out for?

D: Amateretsu and W.Tell. That Orc can run faster then a thrall being hased by a mob of vamps while being lit on fire, and it's hard to keep my eyes off of Amateretsu. Tch tch.

CN: So how does it feel being up there in the leaderboards for passing currently? Do you expect to hold that position?

D: I've never been one to throw the ball (Considering nobody else can hold it afterwards and i'm the only one who can hold it properly) but from the way the season seems to be turning with stronger teams on the horizon, I think i'll have to bust out the elbow grease and get some hail maries in. Otherwise we'll need a priest to sanctify the pile of thrall corpses.

CN: Thanks for your time, we'll be in touch.

D: See you later.

Lucius Von Duneheim
It would appear as if Lucius has finished whatever questing he went upon and has returned to the main Headquarters for the Blood Knights.

CN: It's good to see you.

L: Good to see you too.

CN: To start I have to ask what you were doing all this time away from your team?

L: I went looking for the magical items that we gave to one of the Vinchester boys and used in our match. Aside from that I had personal matters to attend to, namely getting some Cheerleaders to cheer up the Thralls and distract my brothers.

CN: Any luck in that regard?

L: Not really, when I mentioned Konrad they all spontaneously got excuses. I did however spot a radiant sight, a retired player named Skögul. Simply divine.

CN: Back to the topic of Blood Bowl I have to ask if you think you'll rake up more injuries in this upcoming match, in the hopes of staying on the leaderboards.

L: Konrad seems to want to take center stage in that regard, but I can say this much, there will be less vermin walking out of the pitch then on. I can attest to that.

CN: How do you think the upcoming match will fair?

L: Brutally. We'll either score nothing (Freaking Lancelot) or we'll grind rat bones to dust. I'm betting on the latter. That's all the time I have, there are prospective advertisers coming in a bit and I need to get ready.

CN: Of course, best of luck to you.

Konrad the KRAZY
Located deep within the bowels of the BK HQ we found their gym, where several thralls, includint Squire, were working out. But a part of the gum was clearly intended for Vampires, and it was being wholly occupied by Konrad. Syringes lied about, kittens were for some reason strewn across the ground and moving around, and all the weights were set to maximum. Konrad himself was found in the center, talking to himself as he benchpressed a Black orc, promptly killing him afterwards by breaking the orcs back on his knee (Elicitin the yelp "Oi! Me back!")

CN: Uh... Konrad it's a pl-

KRAZY!: I PITY THE FOOL WHO STEPS UP FOR THIS BANG! CALL ME B.A BICEPS CAUSE I'LL CRUSH THEIR WHOLE GANG! BRING ON LOCKJAW, KOWEN, I'LL CRUSH'EM LIKE A TRAIN! AND WATCH ME DIP THEIR ASS IN GOLD AND WEAR IT LIKE A NECK CHAIN! SUCKA!

CN: Err.... Right. Ok. First question, why are there kittens everywhere?

KRAZY!: It is to simulate the goblins from Triple-S! I get a thrall for every skull I crush! I'm currently at 17!?! Hehehehehehahaahaha

CN: Well it is fairly accurate. How do you think your current strength program will help the match?

KRAZY!: I THINK I'M GOING TO DROP THOSE SKAVEN INTO THE NEAREST CEMETERY! AIN'T NO ONE GOING TO MISS'EM! CAUSE ALL THEIR FRIENDS IMAGINARY!

CN: Interesting and poetic. You currently stand toe to toe with Lockjaw, do you feel he'll offer a suitable wall to stop you?

KRAZY!: You know what I do for fun? PUNCH BRICK WALLS! And when i'm trying to impress the ladies I do it with my head! Speaking of heads, did you know I can catch arrows with my skull?

He promptly revealed a longbow arrow embedded in his skull, somebow fitting under his helmet

CN: That explains quite a bit.... Do you think you'll hold your ground in KO'ing people?

KRAZY!: What?!?!? OF COURSE I WILL! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ASKING STUPID QUE-

We resumed the interview after a sedative for trolls was pumped into him

Krazy: Sorry, haven't taken my... Medication in a bit. Puts me on edge. Continue?

CN: Uh... Thanks? Alright, do you think there are any players/teams to look out for?

Krazy: I'd keep an eye out for The Hidden Assassins and The Mistakes. I'm not one for playing the ball but Distraction and Amateretsu are beasts (One quite literally) upon the field when handed the ball. It will be quite riveting to see their matches. Of course I have to pay special attention to the Sabres and DV, as they both seem like they'll be strong contenders early on while most teams are underdeveloped, and can easily set the flow for the rest of the season.

CN: That was a mighty fine answer. I'm sorry but that's all the time we have for today.

Krazy: Oh do come back again chaps, it was rather refreshing dicsussing the other teams for this season.

There you have it folks! Now for our next article; Chivalry, is it (un)dead at last? More insight from our head zombie spy.........

Week 1

With the reintroduction of a Vampire Team to the Blood Bowl season, Carpe Noctem! has reestablished it's Blood Bowl section of the Magazine. Up and coming players gathered from all across the Old World have been banded together under the new head coach of the Vampire team The Bloodknights. Despite their relatively infantile state of playing on the pitch, the headcoach has managed to sink a large amount of money into advertisements (As you can clearly tell from the 8 pages in this Magazine dedicated to them) and sponsers. Where exactly he has gathered this money is unsure, but rumors float of a deal between The Bloodknights and the NBC (Necromantic Broadcasting Channel).

This writer is looking forward to seeing how they fair on their first match and has conducted reports from several members on the team about their opening match.

Pre-First Match Interviews

Derk Von Duneheim: It took a bit of finangling (And the sacrifice of an intern) to get a good amount of time regarding an interview with Derk.

Q:Derk, how do you think The Bloodknights will fair against a more veteran team like Johny's Quest?
A: Listen, i'm not saying the odds aren't against us here, but me and my brother have been through far worse fights then this. It'll be pretty grisly, but so long as we stay away from Bloomberg i'm certain we can get out of this fine enough. I've even taken a little time off to make sure 'Itchy' Feet has an interesting next match.

Q:Have you done any particular training for the upcoming match?
A: Me and the Head Coach have done a little one on one regarding my training and worked it all out. I've recently been taking lessons from champion jouster Floras Kyrell on the art of escaping a hit and properly blocking those I can't dodge.

Q:Do you have a favorite team?
A: The Shire Patch, lovable little buggers. Not to mention Halflings are travel sized thralls.

Q:Do you have anything to say to The Johnys' Quest?
A: Yeah, this one goes out to 'Itchy' Feet, you little bastard. I'm going to grab your neck, raise you up high, and then punch my fist straight through your-

We had no further time for the interview.

Konrad the Krazy: We were unable to get a proper interview with Konrad, as both interns we sent were found dead inside of manure piles with the blood drained out of them.

Lucius Von Duneheim: Despite the best scrying efforts from us here at Carpe Noctem! we can't pinpoint the location of Lucius. Rumors abound on his whereabouts and it seems he's off collecting magical items for the Blood Bowl team to use in their upcoming matches.

[Crow]

SPIKE! MAGAZINE
Your number one source for all things Blood Bowl

Game of the Week Preview

Welcome to another Spike! Magazine match preview. This is Tastier sitting in for Crow. This week we’re going to be looking at an interesting match between league veterans, The Red Sabres, and rookie hopefuls, The Bloodknights.

PLAYOFF HOPES
The issue looming over everyone’s head is playoff qualification. If the season had ended after last week's matches we’d have the sexy duo of Die Valkyrie and Selene’s Seductice Strut from division A, rival teams the Johnnys’ Quest and Hellbug’s Heroes from Division B, rookie teams the Mistakes of Life and The Bloodknights from division C, and finally the Fancy Lads and Rampage! winning the wildcard slots. Notably missing from that is the Red Sabres, but their playoff hopes are still alive. Here’s how:

In any situation where the Sabres make the playoffs, they need to win both of their remaining games. There are 5 other teams in the wildcard hunt-- Rampage!, The Fancy Lads, Hellbug’s Heroes, Selene's Seductive Strut, and Outrageous Cretaceous. One division A and B team will get the 2nd place division slots. Two of the remaining three will get wildcard spots. For the Red Sabres to get a wildcard spot, two of the following four things need to happen.
1. OC gets one win and one draw or worse in any combination against DV and NN.
2. R! gets only draws or losses in any combination against IA and DV.
3. FL get a draw and a loss in any combination against HH and RA.
4. HH lose against both FL and MoL.

Playoff qualification for the Bloodknights is a little easier to grok. Even if they lose to the Red Sabres, they are strong favorites against the Shire Patch in their last game, a 4-point division match. If the Mistakes fail to get any more wins, that would make the Bloodknights Division C champions.

Complicating matters this week is the player swap. The Bloodknights made an early move to secure the services of treewoman Bloomberg, in exchange for newly signed player, Knight, and small donation to the Johnnys’ widows and Orphans fund. The Sabres made a strong move of their own, nabbing Doc Nutsmasher, the warpstone troll who replaced Roc Lockjaw after his death during the All-Star Break.

With no further ado, let’s take a look at what to expect in the match itself.

OFFENSE
The Bloodknights offense hasn’t been particularly potent this season, scoring only fourteen times in eleven games. Excluding matches against orphaned teams, it’s rare to win with only one point on the board. With a rate of little over one point a match, it’s hard to see the Bloodknights playing for better than a draw. However, if you look only at their last five, they’ve scored nine times, nearly two points per game. This is in no small part due to the recently hired vampire, Valerie "Vampeera" Von Streissenhower.

Your standard everyday day vampire is stronger and more agile than your typical blood bowler, and is always a welcome addition to the team. But Valerie goes a step further. Not only does her undeath lend her strength and speed, she also brings something to the Bloodknights they didn’t have before, the long game. This new dimension to their play allowed them to get in the endzone twice against the miserly defense of Hellbug’s Heroes for a much needed win.

Since the All-Star Break the Red Sabres’ performance has been highly polarized. They won overwhelmingly against orphaned teams, and lost handily to all their prepared opponents. They’ve scored a respectable twenty times in eleven games. That statistic sounds positive, but there’s a little more to the story. The Sabres' four wins have all come against against orphaned rookie teams. In these lopsided games, they’ve always scored three and four times. In each of their other seven matches they failed to score in multiples, typically managing to score a single point. This trend correlates strongly to Fernand’s performance.

Aware managers understand Fernand O.E. Arrow’s ability to put the ball in the red zone makes him the primary threat. Given the circumstantial evidence, some have alleged that the Sabres’ thrower Fernand has been drugged by his opponents in some of these matches. Others say he simply drinks too much, or the opposing defense was well-prepared. Whatever the truth may be, he’s managed as many successful passes as any thrower in the league. If Fernand is on form and he can hook up with his receivers at least twice, the Sabres should be in good shape.

So who has the edge? This is tough one. On paper I’d say the Sabres should be better. On the pitch, I expect them to be very close with the humans’ experience and training being matched by the vampires’ physical superiority and winsome momentum. Advantage: No one.

DEFENSE
On any given wednesday the Bloodknights line is fair to middling. Vampires’ all around awesomeness gives them an edge there, but they don’t often have the luxury. The Vampires have to do double duty as blitzers. As a consequence, it often falls to the unremarkable thralls to hold the line. This is not any given wednesday, though. This week the Bloodknights are being joined by Bloomberg, a treewoman, in exchange for newly signed thrall, Knight.

What Bloomberg lacks in warm red blood, she makes up for with intractable gumption. She’s quite strong, and with her many branches she can control the center of the pitch. Her ability to simultaneously push the opposition into areas where they can be blocked profitably while also supporting her adjacent teammates has been a factor in the Johnnys’ success, and it will serve the Bloodknights as well. The only downside is treefolk have difficulty getting up once downed. Still, the Bloodknights defense has only given up four points since since the all star break

The Sabres line is more reliable than the Bloodknights. The humans are more practiced at blocking and providing assists to one another. And, with a player swap of their own, the Sabres’ line looks even better with Doc Nutsmasher. Doc is a warpstone troll, not strong as Bloomberg, but better at blocking. It’s likely that Doc Nutsmasher supported by Seb Sha Bal, unusually strong even for an ogre, will have the advantage over Bloomberg. If she goes down, the Bloodknights line will be outmatched.

The achilles of the Sabre defense is the deep pass. Pass focused teams like Die Valkyrie and the Johnnys’ Quest have had success moving the ball past the Red Sabres defense through the air. Even teams that pass more rarely, such as Triple-S, have had the advantage.

Who has the edge? The Bloodknights defense has been strong lately, but they're not prepared for the Sabres this week. As long as the Sabres rein in Valerie's passing The Red Sabres will be in a good place. Advantage: Red Sabres.

PREDICTION
The Bloodknights receive the ball. Passing plays by both teams yield a point in the first half. By bloodlust and KO, the depth of the Bloodknight roster is used up. In the second half, the Sabres receive and make a successful drive. Then the Vampires get the ball, but attrition has taken it’s toll and the drive ends in a defensive touchdown for the Sabres.

3 to 1 Red Sabres over The Bloodknights

[Aedilred]

KO! Magazine
Playoff Predictions Special

By Bill Moroni

Greetings everyone, and welcome to a special edition of KO! Magazine, where we run the rule over the league and pick our playoff contenders for next week! I'm pleased to welcome back our regular contributors, S. “Fab” Rickas and Skögul.

Let's start with an easy one, in Division C. How's that looking?

Skögul: Division C is pretty much nailed on. The Bloodknights and Mistakes will almost certainly qualify, barring the Shire Patch putting on the sort of display we wouldn't dream they were capable of.

SFR: They'll probably qualify in that order, too. The Mistakes have been abject recently, and they're coming up against a Sabres side who are potent and angry. The Mistakes will need a win to qualify ahead of the vampires, but they'll struggle to outscore a Sabres offence firing on all cylinders.

So with those two pretty much booking their hotel rooms already-

Skögul: Coffin suites, in some cases.

-Well, indeed. On top of Die Valkyrie, and the Johnnys' Quest, who have already qualified, we have six other contenders still in the mix. Division A, what do we think?

Skögul: Both Division A teams are up against teams who have already qualified. That could bode well or ill for each of them.

SFR: If either the Johnnys or the Valkyries rest their key players, that'll hand a key advantage to whichever team they're up against. If they play at full strength, they'll be favourites to win both games.

Skögul: It's a really tricky one to judge. The OC look like they have a better chance of scoring against my old team, to be honest. The ladies aren't specialist tacklers, so the skinks can dodge their way through. Meanwhile the Johnnys have a pretty impressive defence.

SFR: They've really upped their game in that respect from last season. On the other hand, the Strut are probably a better team than the OC in overall terms and look more likely to score against any given defence.

Like the Sabres, for instance?

SFR: Exactly. The Sabres on paper have a great defence, and Triple-S shellacked them despite taking a thorough beating in the process.

Skögul: The Johnnys are also missing their best thrower with the death of Dijon “Crazy” Bone. Jon T. Partí has the skills, but he's relatively inexperienced, and they'll be looking to their catchers to move the ball.

SFR: The Quest's catchers are formidable, though. If Triple-S can take out one or both of them, the Johnnys might end up having to force a traditional drive against the muscle of players like Doc Nutsmasher and Kowen. If they can't, the Johnnys will score almost at will.

Overall prediction?

SFR: Unless some players get rested, Triple-S and the OC both lose. Triple-S go through in second place, and the OC have to look at results from Division B.

Skögul: Division B is a nightmare.

SFR: You can say that again. Currently the Sabres sit bottom, but they have a competitive points total, and if they can beat the Mistakes, would eclipse a losing OC side.

Skögul: Their really worrisome competition is Rampage!, who are up against the orphaned Invisible Assassin. Rampage! have been in good form until the last week, but it seems their manager's been enjoying himself a bit too much as a result, and hasn't been back to help with managing the team.

SFR: The absence of active Norse management is the only real reason this match is up for discussion. The Assassin are surprisingly competitive, but Rampage! are far better, and with a gameplan they'd wipe the floor with them. On the other hand, Rampage! have failed to beat worse Dark Elf teams before, so there's still a sliver of hope.

Skögul: Meanwhile, both the Heroes and Lads are looking rather more comfortable. If the Lads lose and Rampage! win, then if it comes down to head-to-head, the Norse will go through. On any other permutation, the Lads qualify. The Heroes are already in, and the only question is whether it's as divisional runners-up or as wild cards.

Who's going to win that match?

SFR: Really hard to say. Both teams have scored and conceded a similar number of touchdowns, and both teams have shown a similar propensity to choke in key matches.

Skögul: The Lads, going purely on the stats, have had a marginally worse season. But when you look at the actual match results, they're surprisingly similar. They both beat the Sabres, and lost to the Johnnys and Die Valkyrie, with exactly the same scorelines.

SFR: What will worry the Lads is that they failed to contain Rampage!, who are probably the closest team to the Heroes they've played so far. Both teams play a strong physical running game with multiple ballcarrying options.

Skögul: Even if Rampage! have only used one this year, and completely neglected Niflheimr.

SFR: The Heroes don't have any carriers as good as the Norse superstars, but then, with their blocking lineup, perhaps they don't need any.

Skögul: Realistically, I think the smart money is on the draw here.

The draw puts both teams through irrespective of other results. That gives us seven playoff teams. Which of the remaining three contenders will be joining them?

SFR: Rampage!.

Skögul: Rampage!.

SFR: It's not impossible they could trip up, but it's pretty unlikely. If they win, only Outrageous Cretaceous can stop them from qualifying, and the OC would need to beat Die Valkyrie.

Skögul: Which they won't, unless half that team is rested.

SFR: It's a shame that the Mistakes will go through, on balance, because there are better teams in the league out there, but we'll get two qualifiers from Div C, and only the Bloodknights over there still give a damn.

Skögul: At least the Narcissists aren't in contention any more. It looks like we'll have some strong playoff contenders anyway.

So there we have it, our predictions for the playoffs. Those teams again:

The Johnnys' Quest
Die Valkyrie
Selene's Seductive Strut
Hellbug's Heroes
The Mistakes of Life
The Bloodknights
The Fancy Lads
Rampage!

Finally, any thoughts on what'll happen when the playoffs kick off?

SFR: The Bloodknights should beat the Mistakes, and the Johnnys will beat Rampage!, who have a pretty poor record against Wood Elves despite their 4-1 win last season.

Skögul: The other two matches are likely to be closer. I think Die Valkyrie will beat the Lads in overtime; the Lads aren't great in knockout play. Triple-S against the Heroes, well, normally I'd say the Heroes's muscle will tell, but we've seen this season that knocking the players over isn't enough to stop the Strut. If Triple-S can score quickly, that might be enough to take the match to overtime, where they can beat the Heroes with groundspeed. They're a better team now than the one the Heroes beat 4-0 in pre-season.

SFR: All things being equal, though, I think the Heroes are favourites for that match.

Skögul: The Johnnys are probably favourites for the cup right now, but they're going to face some brutal opponents in the next few weeks and could easily go into the semis or final a few players short.

SFR: I'm prepared to stick my neck out and back Die Valkyrie for this. They're a team at the peak of their powers, and, Bloomberg aside, have a better variety of play options than anyone else likely in contention in the knockouts.

Well, we'll have a better idea next week. Thanks for reading, folks!


Back issues:


KO! Magazine
Better never than late

By Bill Moroni

Hello again, Blood Bowl fans, and we're back after a few weeks of confusion both with our guest writers and in the league!

S. “Fab” Rickas: And with the magazine management.

Yes, well, let's not get into that. We could have managed a publication on time if Skögul hadn't gone on holiday.

Skögul: There was nothing going on in the league, I fancied a trip to the beach, and I was offered a great package.

Hey, I could offer you[No. -Ed]. Have you got any pictures from your holiday for us?

Skögul: No. Not ever.

Then last week neither of you turned up at all.

SFR: We both had funerals to attend.

Of course, the Red Sabres lost their inspirational captain, N. Senn Ricky, in the Heroes match. How do you think this will affect the rest of their season?

SFR: Negatively. You could say that the Sabres' recent troubles really started when they lost N. Rico Gleyzass in the cup semifinal last season. At their peak, the Sabres were fielding seven players who specialised in block-assistance, which is one of the reasons they were able to manhandle other teams so much. Rico's death left a hole in the team they never filled.

Skögul: With Ricky gone, the Sabres are thrown back on some relatively unskilled linemen. They've also lost a specialist tackler, which will be an important skill against the Johnnys' Quest and if they end up facing Die Valkyrie again in the playoffs, assuming they even qualify.

Who can the Sabres look to for leadership now?

SFR: They have to trust their remaining veterans. Fredo and Ronald were excellent in the Triple-S match despite the disastrous result, so they need to keep that up for the remaining games.

What about the other veteran killed two weeks back. Will Die Valkyrie be feeling the loss of Herfjötur?

Skögul: Obviously, but less keenly than the Sabres will miss Ricky, I think. Herfjötur had an iconic status within the team, but her absence doesn't leave such a big strategic hole in the line.

SFR: Die Valkyrie are also in a totally different place to the Sabres right now. They're already pretty much guaranteed qualification, so they can cruise their last few matches trying experimental setups. The Sabres need every match to count.

Do you think they can do it?

Skögul: It's 50-50.

SFR: They really need to win every match. If the Johnnys put out a full-strength squad, they'll be a real challenge, while the Bloodknights are also looking good now-

Skögul: I'll say!

SFR: - and the Mistakes could go either way. If there's one thing we've learned in this league, it's that without a guiding presence, the undead really go to pieces. The Mistakes looked unstoppable, but since Kuro disappeared they've been all over the place.

Speaking of which, what do you make of the rumour that Crow tried to have him killed?

Skögul: Frankly, putting out a hit on a guy who has a necromancer on staff seems a bit of a waste of time.

SFR: I don't know what's happened to Kuro, but I think we have to work on the principle he's not coming back. Not that anyone would complain if he did.

On the subject of mysterious deaths, disappearances and resurrections, there have been some interesting shenanigans surrounding Johnnys wardancer Jumpy the Fast.

SFR: Tell me about it. I was talking to Fredo the other day and he says nobody should have survived that hit, although come to think of it I'm not sure whether he was talking about his block on her or the crate of warpstone dust Kowen supposedly snorted before his last match.

Skögul: I've heard a rumour that the Jumpy currently playing is a doppelganger or a twin or the like.

I say, that [don't even go there, Bill – Ed]

SFR: Anyway, the blame's been put on the apothecaries and Fredo's still credited with the kill in the records, so he's happy enough. Of course, he'll probably try to finish the job next week, but knowing Fredo, if he doesn't kill her he'll probably try to take her out for dinner.

Skögul: A real gentleman.

SFR: Well, you say that...

Skögul: In a sort of magnetically terrifying way.

Do we have any playoff predictions?

SFR: Apart from the obvious, no. There are so many teams in contention now it's ridiculous.

Skögul: Rampage! looked out of it but now have almost as good a chance of qualification as the Sabres. The Fancy Lads have more points, but some tougher games. The Heroes are probably in.

SFR: The Bloodknights are a team to watch right now. They lost a dramatic game to the OC but they probably only need two wins from four to qualify, and that includes matches against the Reptile Alliance and the Shire Patch.

Skögul: Unless the Narcs do something really unexpected.

We're hoping to get an exclusive interview with the Bloodknights next week.

Skögul: I'd be up for that.

Actually, we're sending Brenda.

SFR: Is that really a good idea, after last year?

Skögul: I really do think it would be better if you sent me.

Well, we'll see. In the meantime, enjoy this week's games, and see you next time!

[Crow]

http://imageshack.us/a/img823/3530/ssstimes.png (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/823/ssstimes.png/)

Prediction Time!

Unlike all those other hacks out there, we at the Triple-S Times (Your BEST source for all things Cup!) aren't going to bore you with more of the rampant speculation pervading the league right now. Instead, with the end of the regular season approaching, we are going to return to some predictions we made here in the newsroom at the beginning of the season, and see which ones shook out, and which didn't. Hang on tight.

10 Bold Predictions For Season III, Piper Edition!

10. Two Lizardman Teams Will Make the Playoffs

Ok, well we got this one wrong. Poor management decisions such as the managers not showing up to run their teams, have nearly eliminated all of the league's lizardman teams from playoff contention. That's a miss for us.

Result: WRONG

9. A Necromantic Werewolf Will Rock the Rushing Charts

Before her manager abandoned her, Amateratsu was banging this one out of the park. However, even without management, she still sits atop the rushing charts!

Result: RIGHT

8. The Red Sabers Will NOT Suck in the First Half

Well, they didn't exactly "suck". But they weren't all that good at all. Not nearly as good as we expected them to be, to be certain. The fact that they are currently playing for their playoff lives means we are pretty much forced to admit we were wrong on this one.

Result: WRONG

7. Göndul Will NOT Be This Season's Leading Passer

This one's still up for grabs. At this point it is going to come down to Fernand O.E. Arrow and Göndul's performances in the final regular season games. We may still be right on this one, but we really don't know yet.

Result: INCONCLUSIVE

6. The Shire Patch Will Win More Games Than...Someone!

We were really reaching when we made this prediction. I have no idea what we were thinking. Numerous teams have set offensive and defensive records against the patch this season, no thanks to their absentee management.

Result: WRONG

5. 'Lightning' Sessrumnir's Career Will End

Well, he hasn't gotten hurt yet, but with an absent manager, chances are good that he won't be coming back next season unless someone ponies up to sign him as an expensive free agent. We need a few for "Rights" in this column, so we're going to say we were right about this one, even if it wasn't the way we expected it to come about.

Result: RIGHT

4. The Bloodknights Will Annihilate the Competition

As we predicted, the Bloodknights are VERY good when they are good, and VERY bad when they are bad. They look solid to enter the playoffs at this point, and if the rest of what we wrote about them at the start of the season holds true, they will be quickly eliminated.

Result: RIGHT

3. The Johnnys' Quest Will Win Division B

In this spot, we predicted that the Johnnies would win their division behind a stout defense, and we were absolutely, unabashedly right. Score one more for the Triple-S Times!

Result: RIGHT

2. Hellbug's Heroes Will Dominate the Casualties Charts

Right again! Hellbug's Heroes are currently dominating in the physical game. Even though their individual players aren't leading the league in the physical categories, as a team, they are frightening to face on the pitch.

Result: RIGHT

1. Selene's Seductive Strut Will Make A Surprise Cup Run

This one's still up in the air, and the results of this weeks matches will determine if we were right or wrong when we made this bold prediction.

Result: INCONCLUSIVE

So there you have it. Never trust anybody who says we are an unreliable publication. We were right on 50% of our predictions for the season, and may be able to get that number up to 70% depending on this week's results. Get ready for a wild week, because this week's matches will be among the best we've seen in weeks!

[Leriel]

Gray(Tail) Apothecary's

Last Episode

Hildr is shaken by the sudden disappearance of the gods... and she falls to the ground, hit by a combo block by the merciless Tomb Guardians.

Sigrdrífa utters some words and an army of treemen emerges from the ground, ready to face their foes.

In the meantime Meredith whispers someting to Lupus, who nods and looks like frozen.

Again and again the hideous laughter of Leriel echoes through the wasteland...

"Trees? Can't you imagine something better? Trees are all part of the Yggdrasill... how can you forget such a simple thing? And the great tree will fall, will wither, will shrivel and fade... and all your stupid treemen with it..."

Bull the Butcher grins, while breaking in half a withered treeman with a bare hand and kicking hard Hildr. But the valkyria smiles and gets up...

"So... I'm sorry for my friends... but you need to stop this nonsense, Leriel..."
Coughing some blood, she goes on...
"I invoke the curse of Crow and the betting curse of Aedilred. No matter what you try - there is no escape from this. You know. Blame on me... Die Valkyrie will not reach the final..."

Leriel looks at her, astonished, then he cries and he runs toward the girl - the Tomb Guardians look confused, with no more a powerful will supporting them.

But Sigrdrífa blocks her coach, knocking him down.
"Get lost coach..."

The land changes... we are again in the abandoned stadium. The cheerleaders managed to free themselves - and the glowing light is just a dim one.

Meredith whispers to me:
"I sent Lupus back to the stadium... He released the girls and he should be back soon... we need to hold Leriel a little more..."

Leriel tries to get up, but the wounded Hildr approaches and declaims:
"The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all your piety nor wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,
Nor all your tears wash out a word of it..."

Leriel's face turns to a deep red - he's not an human!
"FOOLS! You wasted all! You ruined it all! I made a pact with the forces of chaos...
You could reach the sky! All is lost!
The sacrifice of the babes would have granted you strength and speed...
I also went bankrupt hiring Roxanna for all remaining matches!
ALL FOR YOU!
Sure, each of you would be dead after the final... but you'd be gone in a blaze of glory!"

Sigrdrífa looks at Hildr, speechless... then Meredith breaks the silence:
"You... were you ready to kill your own team!?! How did you dare!"

She turns to the pale valkyries:
"I asked Lupus to get some help from Triple-S to restrain him... But I think that we can do better than that..."

And the howl of the werewolf is accompanied by battle cries... mad goblins and angry skavens are following him... carrying an arsenal of deadly weapons... and unleashing their fury on the thing that was the coaches of Die Valkyrie...

Leriel cries in agony, while he's stabbed, slashed, teared by chainsaw and dismembered by the angry Blood Bowl players.
Finally his head is cut away... but it speaks!

"If I am to die, it will be with a final savour of revenge. I call upon all the spirits of my ancestors to grant my final wish. By the spell of Dying Wrath, I summon them from the land into which I now descend. As you have taken away my victory, which is the thing most sweet and precious to me, I charge them to take that which is most precious to you..."

But Leriel cannot complete his curse - the huge feet of a Rat Ogre crushes the head.

Meredith looks at Hildr:
"So... is it finished?"

The battered valkyria smiles.
"It's not finished yet. We will not win the cup - and we will have to disband, since there is nothing left in treasure... but who knows?"

Sigrdrífa laughs and add:
"And the tavern is still open! Let's go!"

Episode 6

Sigrdrífa is really worried.
"Hildr, do you have an idea about where can we find Leriel?"
"Nope..."
"I think we should reach the temple of Odin... I can pray for an omen..."
"The temple? Is too far! We'll never reach Leriel in time!"

Meredith stops them:
"I have a better idea! See there? It's Lupus "Patches"! He surely can help us!"

We run fast and reach the werewolf... Meredith tries to persuade him:
"Lupus, we need your help! Leriel got mad!"
Lupus looks at here annoyed.

"He's going to sacrifice the cheerleaders to a demon!"
Lupus looks at her with the "if-you-don't-stand-beer-why-don't-you-drink-less" expression on his face.

Meredith is desperate...
"He's going to unleash the demon and bring destruction to this world!"
Lupus replies...
"Finally that jerk is going to do something nice..."

Hildr suddenly speaks:
"He'll remove you from the Hall of Fame!"

"GRRRRRR... give me something to smell... I'll bring you to him in a hurry..."

Sigrdrífa takes the parchment. Lupus closes his eyes and start to run. We rush and dash and hurry... just few minutes and Lupus lead us to an abandoned stadium. We enter the field and we see the mad coach, standing near a huge six-pointed star painted on the floor, with the "Fabulous L's" bound and gagged - each cheerleader at each point.

At the center of the star, there is a red glowing... the spell should be quite complete!

Hildr moves to face Leriel.
"You can't win, coach. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than..."

Sigrdrífa hushes her, whispering: "Not that quote, sister!" and adds:
"Leriel, stop this! I don't know why you're doing this madness, but please stop!"

Leriel shouts a sequence of curses that makes the valkyria blush. Sigrdrífa shouts and runs, as for a Blitz! action, but suddenly everything changes... We are in a desolate land, near a foul-smelling river.
"What's this? What's your trick, coach!?!?"

Leriel laughs... "Fools! You're strong, you're blood bowl players... but this is my dreamscape! Here the power comes from the dreams and from the whishes! And my hate is strong... too strong for you! This is the Styx river... Guess who you're going to face...

Suddenly four huge creatures appears... four TOMB GUARDIANS... Varg, Bull, Stephan and Ned... and they looks stronger than ever...

But Hildr has an idea. "Dreams and whishes? Face this, Leriel!"
The valkyria raises her arms, singing... and suddenly two men appears - no, more giants than men: a menacing one wielding a huge hammer, and an old man riding an eight-legged horse, wielding a lance... Thor and Odin!

Leriel looks at the gods - powerful and surrounded by holy awe... and he laughs!
"Fool. Do you think that I didn't foresee that? I studied the norse myths, lady... This is a wasted land... this is the land after the Ragnarok! The Götterdämmerung! The Twilight of the Gods!"

He laughs, while the All-Father and his strong child dissipate in the mist... and the tomb guardians get closer to the scared party...

TO BE CONTINUED...
Episode 5

Svàva and Hlökk got away and Meredith turns to me.
"Urd, you need a break. Let's go there... to Sigrdrífa, if I remember her name..."

The girl is drinking but she looks unhappy. Well, she's one of the last that joined the ladies, maybe she is not getting well with them.
"Sigrdrífa, come on! Let's sing something!"

She offers us some beer, but Meredith declines. Sigrdrífa looks like uneasy... and Meredith starts singing:

Nine Daring Asatru were calling Odin´s might;
The stormwind blew them all away, and then there were just eight.

Eight Daring Asatru conjured the Volva´s ken,
The Volva took one back to Hel, and then there were just se'en.

Seven Daring Asatru invited Loki´s tricks,
One heathen laughed himself to death, and then there were just six.

Six Daring Asatru did blot a goat alive;
The godhi struck and missed the blow, and then there were just five.

Five Daring Asatru were shouting loud for Thor;
A lightning flash struck down at once, and then there were just four.

Four Daring Asatru were going for a spree;
The sacrificial bog was cool, and then there were just three.

Three Daring Asatru drank home-made mead and brew;
All Midgard spun and Asgard reeled, and then there were just two.

Two Daring Asatru of Frey were making fun,
Frey did not find that funny, no, and then there was just one.

One Daring Asatru, he did not stay alone:
He spread the word and founded soon a kindred of his own.

Sigrdrífa laughs and asks Meredith:
"You're not a norsewoman... well, you has a tail, also... how do you know such a song?"

Meredith smiles and explains:
"I'm the sister of a Grey Seer... he told me something about Odin and his family..."

Sigrdrífa nods.
"I see... I'm a learned one, too... I was a priestess of Odin, you know?"
"Hey, maybe you could help in making some sense in the last part of the parchment from Leriel..."

"Let me see..."

Meredith goes to take the parchment again from Hlökk, while the valkyria says a prayer with a low voice:

Hail the day
Hail you sons of the day
Hail the night
Hail you daughters of the night
With kind eyes
Look upon me here
And grant me speed
And victory

Hail the Gods
Hail the Goddesses
Hail the Earth
Who gives to all
Wisdom and good speech
I ask from you
And healing hands
In this life
And healing hands
In this life

"I'm drunk no more. Let me read... did you spoke about strange writing and so?"

She starts reading, then she gasps:
"These are spells of conjuration! It's the beginning of a ritual for a sacrifice to demons! It says something like taking six girls for summoning a demon..."

"Six girls? Meredith, do you know if the cheerleaders made some progress at Odin's Got Talent?"

"Last time I heard of them, Leriel was bringing them to the show..."

"I really have a bad feeling about it..."

"Let's get Hildr - she's the only other one not drunk - and let's go for Leriel. This party was just to deceive us... He's MAD!"

TO BE CONTINUED...
Episode 4

Ölrún just finished singing (and drinking some dark beer). She looks around... and she sees that Göll's mug is still full. She gets closer, grabs the mug and says "Göll, it's your turn!"
The fellow lady sighs, looking at the lost beer, and starts:

If you too believe in Odin, clap your hand!
If you too believe in Odin, clap your hand!
If you too believe in Odin and are not afraid to show it,
If you too believe in Odin, clap your hand!

If you raise your beer to Asgard, stomp your feet!
If you raise your beer to Asgard, stomp your feet!
If you raise your beer to Asgard, and you are a rotten bastard, [pointing Ölrún...]
If you raise your beer to Asgard, stomp your feet!

If you see the vikings coming, run away (uh-oh!)
If you see the vikings coming, run away!
If you see them come to pillage, coming closer to your village
If you see the vikings coming, run away!

The whole tavern laughs... I feel somewhat dizzy. "Leriel surely will regrets this..." I say to Hlökk, that's enjoying the party. Looks like she has no problem with drinks...
"Well, we'll sp-" she's interrupted by the screams of all men in the tavern... they were already looking at the ladies, someone is already flirting with Sigrún and Hrund, but now... Göndul took off her shoes and started dancing on the tables, singing in a naughty way...

Freya's fragrance fills the air,
embracing you so playfully--
Freya's rose of fiery red.

The rose's chalice now invites you,
nectar-moist from last night's dream--
Freya's rose of fiery red.

Cool like velvet are the leaves,
fanning embers to a fire--
Freya's rose of fiery red.

Like red lips the petals beckon,
opening up invitingly--
Freya's rose of fiery red...

I hear Meredith gasping... I turn and I see Skeggjöld and Mist kissing!
"Looks like that the refusal of Red Sabres **** Skeggjöld off!" laughs Hlökk. I laugh, too, and I feel really drunk...
"Fredo will pay for that!" she laughs again. "Urd, you'll be part of the agreement - he will date you, too!"
Honestly I'm not able to reply... I try to get up to go to the ladies', but I fall and spill the beer on Hlökk purse...
She sighs. "Better beer than vomit... but I think I'll have to rewrite the playoff prediction... what do you think, Meredith? Urd, you need some fresh air..."
I move out - just in time to see Roxanna Darknail! She's speaking with someone... but who? I hear a male voice... he's speaking about "whishing a blaze of glory"... but I cannot reach them, I'm too busy throwing up...
When I return in the tavern, I hear Svàva arguing with Hlökk.
"I'm not drunk! And I say NO lizards in playoff! I hate them!"
"Well, I'm not in love with them too, but what could I do? OC probably will make it..."
"Really? By Thor's hammer! I'm not so fond of rats - sorry Meredith, nothing personal - but I'd prefer Triple-S winning the cup than having some viscid lizard... Again! We'll have to face them in the last match..."
"If you don't suffer the worst hangover of the cup..."
"Bah! Read again what Leriel wrote... But I cannot believe it... And what's that note about the treasure?"
"Let's start from the beginning.."
"Surely DV and Johnny's will make it. A pity that the warpstone troll didn't kill Bloomberg - I cannot stand them!"
"Whoa, he's really upset!"
"It's not all - see this note:"
"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my ladies. And you will know my name is Leriel when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"
"Ah ah ah... He can be upset, but who cares? I like elves - they are not brute bashers as the Khemri... do you remember?"
"I'm still scared! Meredith, you're lucky you never saw Bull The Butcher!"
"Go on... what Leriel says for the other team?"
"I don't care maths. I just know that's unbelievable that orphaned teams gets to the playoff. I mean, "Rampage!"? I finally get my revenge - sweet, sure - but what happened to their coach? And division C? Apart the vampires, no one of them deserve to play again. KICK THEM OFF!"
"Well, it's getting too gross... skip this..."
"I'll delete it..."
"Well, one can just hope... nevertheless, I think that Triple-S and OC will made it... and that's Division A. Sabres will not be so lucky... all that blackmailing from Crow broke their spirit... So Lads and HH will join Johnnies..."
"Let's stop it, I don't need other four-letter words... Hey, I didn't know this one!"
"Leriel is surely full of anger... he needs more beer and more girls..."
"Go on..."
"MoL and vampires will be the other - the first are lucky... too lucky. And their opponent were always soooo unlucky... Mist getting hit by a rock and being unable to run... I mean, this never happened in two season!"
"By Odin's might, I'm getting scared of what follows! Skip the curse to the undead..."
"Well, the rest is difficult to read - it seems some calculation..."
"That's strange..."
"I'm too drunk..."
"I think that we should go back to the party... the only way to not suffer an hangover is going on drinking..."

TO BE CONTINUED...
Episode 3

Hlökk enters the tavern, while Meredith and I are drinking a beer. She looks around and finally sees her companions Valkyrie: but before she reach them, she stops to say hello. Always sooooo kind! But she has a good job... I look at Meredith thinking that soon we will have a little vacation, but I do not want to think about the next season.

"Hello Hlökk! This is the first time I see the whole DV team! Something to celebrate?"

Hlökk smiles: "This is the first time that Leriel offers to drink to everyone! Come with me!"

All the ladies are drinking and singing - all except Hildr.
"There's no DJ Blitz on Radio Bash Bash, but we can sing all together ... Hervör, go first!"

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down (since I know to Jump Up!)
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You're never gonna keep me down...

She drinks a Whiskey drink, she drinks a Vodka drink
She drinks a Lager drink, she drinks a Cider drink
She sings the songs that remind her of the good times
She sings the songs that remind her of the best times...

Meredith laughs and begins to move her tail following the song, while Sigrún starts singing something more suited to the atmosphere:

With swords held high, you can hear us cry
Beer Maids of Valhalla
Beer Maids of Valhalla
Beer Maids of Valhalla, yaaaaaaaa haaaaaaa

To be a Beer Maid in Valhalla, ah that would be swell
Lots of eating, lots of drinking, beats the pants off of hell
All those warriors with muscles that ripple when they drink
Great kings and princes, they don’t have to think
We don’t choose for valor like you have been told
We just choose the cute ones, that have lots of gold

With swords held high, you can hear us cry
Beer Maids of Valhalla
Beer Maids of Valhalla
Beer Maids of Valhalla, yaaaaaaaa haaaaaaa

We never get tired, we play and we drink
We drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink
Sometimes we wrestle and rip off our clothes
I pull on your hair and you bloody my nose

We play games like stickball and run through the halls
We knock people over and get kicked in the....
Broken arms broken shoulders broken legs broken heads
Broken ears broken toes, but it doesn’t matter, we’re dead............

While she's singing, I get closer to Hildr, who sings but drinks just water.

"No, Urd, I have not touched a beer since my grandmother told me the story of his brother... Every night he went to the tavern to get drunk. One evening she asked him to drink less - not to get drunk. He grunted but listened to her. My grandmother waited for his brother the whole night, but he did not return. At dawn, my granny went to look for him, but she found him dead on the road, poisoned. So she went to the temple of Odin to ask for a vision... and she saw what had happened: her brother had listened to her, and he went out of the tavern before getting drunk. But he had arrived at a bend and stopped. A dark elf had seen him, approached him and asked him why he had stopped. He replied that he was usually so drunk that he saw three roads in front of him and took the one in the middle to go home, but tonight he had been drinking less and saw only two roads, and he didn't know which one to choose. So the dark elf had given him a bottle, telling him to drink some more, so he would be drunk enough to see three streets... but actually he gave him a bottle of poison, to kill and rob him."

Hildr is still drinking just water. Now she does not sing anymore.

"I'm afraid of what might really want Leriel. It's the first time that he offers to drink... I don't want it to be the last time... and I am sure that he has strange ideas..." She shakes her head.

Meanwhile Ölrún sang another song, but the words of Hildr are still in my head ...

I am a raging battlemaid
I really rock the house
I live in Germanic legend
With Sigurd as my spouse
I don't suppose you've seen me,
Or that you really should;
Though I'm warped in Wyrd's weaving
I'm not what you'd call good.

Before I was a Valkyrie
I was a maiden in a bower
Valfather Himself picked me,
And gave me Choosing power.
Now Odin has many Choosers
That He trains on battle fields
We become His arms and legs
Because His tools we wield

And because Odin is so busy
With way too much to plan
He said that my assignment
Was to pick the best fighting man

When He tucked me in your pocket
He blessed you with Chooser's care
And you should burn on a pyre
Rest assured I will be there.

TO BE CONTINUED...
Episode 2

"I hope I'm not getting a cold! Jaikine, something hot... to drink!"
That's Hlökk - trying to dry somewhat her long hair, squeezing them - and replying to the malicious look from the tavern owner.

It was a rainy day - raining cats and dog, water everywhere - and rats getting out from the lockers.

Meredith took an hot punch and she's taking it to her friend - and I'm joining them.

"Hi Urd... Tell me that you were lucky and they suspended your game..."

"Nope, Meredith... and what about you?"

"Stubborns managed to fall, drop and stumble over the whole field. And so their opponents. No one got hurt badly... just a lot of dislocations and sprains."

"Girls, give me a break, ok? I'm still hearing Leriel cursing the weather, cursing elves, cursing everything but most of all cursing Crow... Not only for hiring some good players of his former team, but for saying that the ladies would beat the elves!"

Hlökk shakes her head, spraying water everywhere.

"And that Coaching Commandos thing... He's getting mad!"

"I think that I understand Skögul for not coming back in the team..."

"She argued with me about the PR role... now she got a job for KO! Magazine. Well, if she prefers to show her thighs to "Fab" Rickas, it's no more my issue" Hlökk says drinking some more punch.

"But both of you were on that calendar, last year!"

"Oh my... I was so drunk... all of we were... DJ Blitz really knew how to set up a party! And that beer from The Beard..."

"Ah ah ah! Hey Hlökk, what's that parchment in your bag? It's completely wet!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Leriel will kill me! That's the Mid-Season report!"

"Well, what do you think... we can write something nicer..."

Offense: 4/10
Just 7 touchdowns in 5 matches, and two of them by Roxanne. This is an awf--- this is not really what we were expecting from Göndul, Mist and Skeggjöld, but the poor Mist was badly hurt at the beginning of the season - she has problems moving. I think that the team should buy more chocolate for her, and Leriel should end to shout at her.

Defense: 7/10
Again 5 TDs - 3 from elves in a match that--- that requires more towels and bathrobes in the lockers. I mean, how are the ladies supposed to properly get dry? After Skögul left for a career as BB expert, the other blitzers don't have to listen her complains and they can concentrate on defense. Yeah!

Casualties/KO's: 5/10
I am really proud about the match against halflings - and about the physical improvement of the blitzers--- and I am proud of the lesson of make-up by Reginleif. She didn't get a single point in two season, but she's sooo cute!

Player Development: 6/10
Göndul is getting just a point per match - but she's getting it. She always makes an accurate passage. I's like her to be more offensive. And for the rest of the team, I cannot complain--- as I always do!

Gamesmanship: 5/10
The new AI is crazy. It makes lizardmen win - I mean, LIZARDS--- that sssscaly, ugly, awful, disgusting, filthy, putrid, sickening lizardmen!!!

Style: 9/10
Die Valkyrie really miss the support of their fan and the songs from Radio Bash Bash... We all hope that "Odin got's talent!" ends soon and that DJ Blitz an return!

Overall: 36/60
DV are playing well--- and the most important thing, they have a good PR that can endure their terrible coach!
Episode 1

"Get a stretcher, this one is bleeding! NOW! Some bandages! Some painkillers! It's not enough... We're losing him..."

"Coach, can we?..."

"No healing potion - it's just a lineman".

"BUT COACH!"

"Listen, Urd: we're not a major team. You worked for DV last year - well, we don't have their money nor their fans. Stop it."

"But..."

"Urd Young, I said stop it. Want to get fired? No? Then stop. And leave - the match is over for you."

And so also Mike is out. Stone cold.

It's cold today - maybe some drinks to the Valhalla Tavern could help.

"Urd, you look terrible. Get a beer."

She's Meredith GrayTail, the daughter of the Gray Seer, the apothecary of the Stinky Feet. She's the apothecary of the Stubborn Ones - another minor team, for a minor league.

It's not so easy to get a good job for a good team. Look there - he's Rivell Mastacasta, that's grapping a lot of martinis in his tentacles. Lucky chaos one - Hellbug's Heroes could be twisted by chaos gods, but they are strong.

And this evening there is also R2-Dsomething - no one gets to spell its name properly. And there is also Hlökk - nice fellow - looking at the lizardman as she can kill it with her gaze.

"Hi Meredith, thanks. Did you manage to get some tickets for the concert?"

"Urd, don't you know? Stinger and Kowen disbanded. They are playing BB again - for the S.S.S."

"Oh my... I think I need another shoot... Jaikine, what radio are you playing? It's not Radio Bash Bash!"

"Sorry Urd, there is again Odin's Got talent. Awful. DJ Blitz will not return for a while..."

Hlökk gets closer.

"Urd, come on, it was a bad day, wasn't it? But think at this: there are no Lizardmen in your league. No. Lizardmen. No sssscaly, ugly, awful, disgusting, filthy, putrid, sickening lizardmen. And there are THREE team in this league!"

Hlökk finishes her beer in one gulp.

"Leriel is getting mad. Three lizardmen teams. DV faced skavens, undead, werewolves, khemri... no problem. But LIZARDMEN! Bleaaaaaahhhhh!"

"It will be a long season, Hlökk..."

"It will be a long night, Urd. Come on, Meredith - let's drink something stronger. I still have some beer of the dwarfes from last season... And maybe we can get invite Fredo..."

"You're the best Hlökk!"

[TheTyrantis]

Cretaceous Periodical
News on a Mesozoic scale

The first issue of the Cretaceous Periodical has been published, and it's none other than a Playoff Edition. This week, the Slann and Skinks have come together from all over the Empire to make their predictions for the final eight standing in the GITP-League.

As it stands now, the two wild card spots will be given to The Fancy Lads and Outrageous Cretaceous, but sometimes it comes down to the end for it all to fall apart.

Clinched Spots
Die Valkyrie - The Amazons have been in inspired form this year, going 9-12 in wins and losing only once in the regular season. This one loss, however, comes from the other clinched spot - The Johnnys' Quest. Offensively, the girls have been dominating, having scored 2 or more goals in eight games and have only been stopped in a scoreless draw against the Dark Elf team Invisible Assassins, but curiously, even after scoring 20 Touchdowns in twelve games, not one of their players have landed on the TD table, which goes to show that the team has many different scorers and that is in part to how deadly they are. On defense have shut out their opponents four times, which is above the accumulated average for teams and there's little doubt they can make the finals.

The Johnnys' Quest - Hands down the most dreaded team of the year to play, the Wood Elves have completely dominated the league this season with their dazzling display of running and throwing and impressive defense. Scoring 27 goals, the Elves throw out the belief that bigger is better in Blood Bowl. Leading scorers Fry “John” Cook and “Itchy” Feet will be everyone's concern going into the postseason for no one has been able to stop them but a manager-led Mistakes of Life and an orphaned Nox'tlan Narcissists. And don't even think about saying the team is soft on defense because Bloomberg will show you otherwise, leading the kills table in her rookie year. We here at the office wouldn't be surprised if last year's zeroes ended this year's heroes.

In Contention
Selene's Seductive Strut - After a poor start to the season, the Underworld Skaven and Goblins have put together a good run and skyrocketed into second place thanks to past pros of the GITP-League. The running from Kowen and T.P.XAN will be their strongest asset, but playing against the Quest is no easy win.

Outrageous Cretaceous - The hometown favorites, the OC are one of two Lizardmen teams still in the fight for a play-off spot. Lacking no passers, the team has been relying on strength and Skink runners. Tlaxankha of the Forests of the Viper and Tenghui of Cuexotl are their star players, and with a match against Die Valkyrie before the post-season, we're having trouble seeing a positive result, but the team's been known for successful sabotage or surprise results in the past.

Division B - While the Quest have already booked a ticket to the finals, the entire Division B is a cluster**** of veteran teams still in the race for a spot at the end, with the Humans of the Red Sabres grasping at straws to end a disappointing season with a spot at the end and an orphaned Rampage! proving to be their main rival, while the Chaos followers of Hellbug's Heroes and the always fashionable Orcs of The Fancy Lads are only one point between each other, but the Lads have been plagued with mismanagement this season.

The Lads and Heroes will settle their differences the ol' fashioned way by duking it out in their final match of the season and whoever wins is almost guaranteed a spot in the playoffs. Meanwhile, Red Sabres are away to the Necromantic Mistakes of Life and Rampage! is home to the Invisible Assassins. The orphaned Necromancers have shown they can't do much without leadership, so the Sabres should be able to nab a well needed win, but the Assassin/Rampage! game is an unknown. Whoever wins of the two (or loses in Lads/Heroes) will most likely go to the playoffs.

The Mistakes of Life - The Necromancers, once led by the commissioner kurokotetsu, has been appalling since losing their leader, even with their top scorer Amateratsu. With their last game home to Red Sabres, the office feels they won't win and, depending on the other two teams in contention, could be taken out with one swoop.

The Bloodknights - The Vampires have been an interesting team all year, having ups and downs and not really establishing themselves as a strong side all season and the 6 loses presses the point ahead of their 5 wins. Despite this, they have the Shire Patch this week and, being a division match, will give them the four points needed to clinch a playoff spot and beat on them for a great warm-up for their postseason.

The Nox'tlan Narcissists - The other lizardmen team of the season, the Narcissists have somehow managed to stay in the running despite being orphaned from creation. There's no star players, but the office puts them over their lizardmen rivals Reptile Alliance.

Playoff predictions:
1. The Johnnys' Quest
2. Die Valkyrie
3. The Bloodknights
4. Hellbug's Heroes
5. Selene's Seductive Strut
6. The Nox'tlan Narcissists
7. The Fancy Lads
8. The Red Sabres

Quarterfinals
Match 1: Johnnys' Quest def. Red Sabres
Match 2: Die Valkyrie def. The Fancy Lads
Match 3: The Bloodknights def. Nox'tlan Narcissists
Match 4: Selene's Seductive Strut def. Hellbug's Heroes

Semifinals
Match 1: Johnnys' Quest def. Selene's Seductive Strut
Match 2: Die Valkyrie def. The Bloodknights

Finals
Johnnys' Quest def. Die Valkyrie