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KuReshtin
2014-08-11, 05:50 AM
What do you need to make an impression on your crush?

-----------

The tattered remains of a flag in the aftermath of a hurricane.

EmeraldRose
2014-08-11, 08:37 AM
Did you leave anything in the fridge?

Rain. Rain and humidity. And rain.

Lheticus
2014-08-11, 10:08 AM
So, what's the forecast this week Bob?

I'd have to say it was the time he gloated so hard he pulled a muscle.

backwaterj
2014-08-12, 09:16 PM
What was the most humorous moment on the Nale blooper reel?

Fish sauce. All the fish sauce.

ORione
2014-08-12, 10:59 PM
How did you get all the world's cats to come to you?

I saw it.

Targ Collective
2014-08-12, 11:06 PM
So why did you claw your eyes out again?

I think that plan is a little overcomplicated.

Dudeons
2014-08-13, 09:25 PM
Should I stitch your chest cavity closed?

A monk, a priest, and a pastor walk into a bar...

Daws2727
2014-08-13, 10:15 PM
A monk, another monk, and a man walk out.


Whoa! Where are they headed off to?

Volcan
2014-08-14, 04:43 PM
Sir, i saw lungs walking down the road the other day.

What.. Whaaaa… i was in a padded room, with a man dressed all in pink banging his head on the ground and now i'm looking at and speaking to you a pile of flesh and bones my dinner, or is it a rainbow.

ORione
2014-08-14, 05:10 PM
Have you used any drugs in the past 24 hours?

Lather, rinse, and repeat.

Hexalan
2014-08-14, 08:06 PM
How does Ulysses survive there with naught but an armless trench coat? Did he enchant it with ruinous powers and armor it with the skulls of the slain?

The Viking at Stamford Bridge.

backwaterj
2014-08-15, 12:42 AM
What was the sequel to A Yankee in King Arthur's Court?

I . . . I'm not really sure that qualifies as "genetic engineering"!

Dudeons
2014-08-15, 02:38 AM
What do you mean reprogramming X/Y variables can't give me superpowers?

Robocop... in an Iron Man mask... wearing a mariachi hat... with a bow and arrow... and duck shoes.

Eternis
2014-08-15, 06:01 AM
Hey... Just asking....
What are your fetishes?

As purple as a violet.

EmeraldRose
2014-08-15, 10:09 AM
What did your dessert taste like?

Because IKEA.

Lheticus
2014-08-15, 11:18 AM
Why are there five different piles of unassembled furniture in the living room?

My my...that's actually a very good question.

backwaterj
2014-08-15, 01:00 PM
If Train A leaves Chicago heading east at a velocity of 63 miles per hour, and Train B leaves New York heading west at a velocity of 45 miles per hour, do you like mudkips?

I . . . I don't even . . .

Eternis
2014-08-15, 10:37 PM
Let's assume that the rate of gravity on this hypothetical planet we're talking about is the same as earth, so 9.8ms^-2, mmk? Now, if this ball of 600 cows, assuming the average cow weight is about 1250 kilograms, drops from a height of 2km up, EXCLUDING the obvious air resistance and therefore terminal velocity, it'll take them... roughly 20 seconds to fall. This means that when they hit the ground, they'll have been moving at a velocity of ROUGLY 200ms^-1. Now, how do we calculate the distribution of force, and therefore the splatter spread again?

F*cking half-orcs, nobody likes them!

((My thanks))

Hexalan
2014-08-15, 10:55 PM
Mommy, why don't you like quarter-orcs? Where do they even come from?

(acceleration is ms^-2, mate)

Santa shot first.

Laughing Dog
2014-08-16, 12:42 AM
Christmas is cancelled because why?

Many men died to preserve this secret, and so shall you.

backwaterj
2014-08-16, 11:49 AM
Is it true that Canada is secretly amassing an army of Curling Troopers with which to pave a worldwide empire in the blood of its enemies?

Seventeen-point-five seconds. Yup, that's a new record!

EmeraldRose
2014-08-16, 01:31 PM
How much time over the last month combined have you slept?

It has nothing to do with luck, and everything you can possibly imagine to do with sunglasses.

V: That is perfect. I applaud you, sir. :smallcool:

Targ Collective
2014-08-16, 01:37 PM
What is the source of my avvie's power? :p

Yep, that's what I did for my Birthday today.

Lheticus
2014-08-16, 01:43 PM
Would you care to explain the approximate metric ton of silly string that can now be found virtually everywhere in the house?

Because in approximately ninety seconds from now, NONE of anything we've done to this point will matter unless you wear that fedora!

backwaterj
2014-08-16, 04:13 PM
Could you explain to me again precisely how dressing up like Inspector Gadget will help me defuse this bomb?

It's in the bottom of that pool of lime Jell-O. It . . . seemed like a good idea at the time.

EmeraldRose
2014-08-16, 04:22 PM
Where did you put the priceless, one of a kind statue of Han Solo that I carved out of a sugar cube?

Well, I'm not exactly sure how it's supposed to go, but I think it has something to do with bubbles, fireworks, and kittens.

ORione
2014-08-16, 05:11 PM
How do you make a baby?

That's a bit of a loaded question, don't you think?

Dudeons
2014-08-17, 01:47 PM
Got milk?

Even in a world with all of that, YOU DO NOT MAKE SENSE!

backwaterj
2014-08-18, 01:26 AM
What happens when an unstoppable object meets an immovable force?

I'm hazy on the details, but it probably involves high fructose corn syrup.

EmeraldRose
2014-08-18, 08:26 AM
So how was your weekend?

One thing is for sure, don't burn your mouth on the pizza.

ts20fan
2014-08-22, 05:01 PM
Am I in The Matrix?

Becausemyspacebarisbroken.

Elemental
2014-08-22, 10:52 PM
Dear gods... It's the end of the world! Why did you launch all of our nuclear weapons at once?!


Only if played on a harp.

ORione
2014-08-23, 01:23 AM
Are you ready to ROCK?!?!?!?!?

Leverage!

Lheticus
2014-08-23, 07:01 AM
Augh, the walls are closing in on us! How will we ever get out of this one?!

Gentlemen...BEHOLD!

Laughing Dog
2014-08-23, 10:55 AM
What is that?!

Batman vs Batman, of course.

backwaterj
2014-08-23, 12:11 PM
Any thoughts on a catchy title for our new DC vs. Major League Baseball series?

Three-bean soup and a truckload of industrial strength bungee, but for God's sake don't tell the Turks!

Dudeons
2014-08-23, 11:02 PM
What else do you need for your marriage proposal?

I'm gonna need two guns for this one.

EmeraldRose
2014-08-26, 03:53 PM
What was your foolproof plan for the BBQ again?

Pickles and chili.

PurityIcekiller
2014-08-26, 04:42 PM
Which of the foods were poisoned this time?

I was on vacation at the time.

ORione
2014-08-26, 07:24 PM
Two-thirds of your class dropped out? What happened?

True story.

I dunno, you'll want to ask the guy with the suit and the ugly shoes.

backwaterj
2014-08-26, 07:58 PM
Is this place a secret Mafia hideout?

In a castle in the clouds.

KuReshtin
2014-08-27, 05:22 AM
I was told there'd be a princess here. Now you're telling me she's somewhere else? Where is she?


It's a process that has been passed down through traditions for generations, dating back to at least 1653.

EmeraldRose
2014-08-27, 03:11 PM
How long has it been since you cut your toenails?

1 box of colored pencils, 2 highlighters, 4 jumbo glue sticks, 1 set thin color washable markers, 1 set thick color washable markers, full size box of kleenex tissues, 3 dozen sharpened pencils.

Lheticus
2014-08-27, 03:48 PM
Ugh...okay, what's left on the back to school supply list?

Because ALL the reasons. ALL of them.

Dudeons
2014-08-27, 04:02 PM
Why did little Suzie have to die?

Yeah, that only works in Europe.

PurityIcekiller
2014-08-27, 04:14 PM
Did you really win the football game by having your entire team fake their deaths?

I tried, but she was too clever.

backwaterj
2014-08-27, 05:52 PM
So, let's hear it . . . did you steal the candy from that baby or not?

George Washington Carver.

ORione
2014-08-27, 06:21 PM
Who is to blame for all of the allergy deaths that have happened recently?

Come on, let's try it.

EmeraldRose
2014-08-28, 02:33 PM
Are you sure you want to eat peanut butter and jellied eels?

Bacon.

PurityIcekiller
2014-08-28, 02:36 PM
What did you use to transmit the mind-control agents?

Things would be too complicated if I didn't.

backwaterj
2014-08-29, 01:14 AM
Did you have to crack a hole in the space-time continuum again?!

With extreme prejudice.

Dudeons
2014-08-29, 02:12 PM
Did you come from the '60s?

I'm gonna rock you. Like a hurricane.

Orm-Embar
2014-08-29, 02:20 PM
How much evil can you really do with nothing but a cordless mic and an 80's Karaoke tape?

The pool needs cleaning.

Volcan
2014-08-31, 06:24 PM
what do you usually say after killing someone?

of course, how else would i get superpowers?

ORione
2014-08-31, 07:30 PM
Gabriel... did you... did you eat that guy's brain?

Depends. If it rains tomorrow, yes. If not, then no.

backwaterj
2014-09-01, 02:45 PM
Do you mind if I TP your house tonight?

Absolutely, unequivocably yes. Wait, what was the question again?

PurityIcekiller
2014-09-01, 03:01 PM
Would you like a cup of cyanide tea?

I don't know. Ask the Prime Minister.

Laughing Dog
2014-09-02, 09:36 AM
Short fork or Long Fork for dining on elf?

Meow. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuiIu3YNeiU)

Orm-Embar
2014-09-02, 02:02 PM
How are you going to explain to your cat that you really want to get a dog?

Stagger stagger, crawl, stagger, crawl.

ORione
2014-09-02, 02:22 PM
What movement patterns will let me sneak past the zombie hordes?

Soak it in salt water for a while.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-02, 03:03 PM
How do I get bloodstains out of chain armor?

One, two, three, JUMP!

backwaterj
2014-09-02, 08:03 PM
How did you reach that conclusion, exactly?

Through the power of positive thinking!

PurityIcekiller
2014-09-02, 08:37 PM
How did you manage to collect so many metal ions?

It's probably someone else's. Pay it no mind.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-02, 08:57 PM
Does that skull belong here?

That's what we spent the record company advance on.

ORione
2014-09-03, 09:08 PM
Why is the closet filled with Girl Scout cookies?

I love you.

Hexalan
2014-09-03, 09:56 PM
Do you love me?

We were just following orders.

backwaterj
2014-09-04, 08:23 PM
What on earth possessed you to torch that orphanage?

Hashtag yolo. That is all.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-05, 08:53 AM
Do you have any last words before being executed for your overuse of "hashtags"?

Purple. Wait! Green! No...definitely yellow.

Cuthalion
2014-09-05, 01:42 PM
Before we start, what color do you think that wobbly bit is?

It's not me, it's her.

PurityIcekiller
2014-09-05, 02:00 PM
Which one of you two is the shapeshifting spy?

A pillowcase, naturally.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-05, 02:49 PM
How are you going to carry all that loot?

Here's a spade, now start digging.

Lheticus
2014-09-05, 04:14 PM
You've done nothing but belittle me and every suggestion I've made on this entire treasure hunt! Just why did you even bring me along, anyway?!

Pfft, a zombie that became a zombie from a disease isn't a true "undead".

backwaterj
2014-09-05, 06:11 PM
Wasn't World War Z a great movie?

Because free beer.

ORione
2014-09-06, 12:23 AM
Why are you encouraging our son to join the Mafia?!?!?!?

Everyone who knew the answer to that question died of mysterious causes last week.

Hexalan
2014-09-06, 12:09 PM
Wait, if you're not a EMT, then what were you doing at all those murder scenes?

The Fabulous Custodes.

Dudeons
2014-09-06, 04:16 PM
Wait! If you're at the bank, then who's that cleaning out your room?

No, I kill the bus driver!

Lheticus
2014-09-06, 04:30 PM
Okay so it's: You plant the bomb, I hook up the remote control, and Targ Collective kills the bus driver, right?

(Attention any government ppls: I AM KIDDING. If you take this out of context I swear I will sue the underwear off of Uncle Sam.)

backwaterj
2014-09-06, 04:31 PM
Quick! A bus is barreling through an intersection, unaware of the elderly man crossing the street right in front of it. Simultaneously, a mugger is taking a young lady's handbag and a small beagle is sniffing curiously at some green goo that leaked from a biohazard container. Do you: A. rescue the old man, B. knock the mugger out cold with a roundhouse kick, or C. get that pesky beagle away from your dinner?

Frankly, my dam, I don't give a deer.

Edit: swordsage'd! Since TPAM didn't post an answer though, feel free to question mine. :smallbiggrin:

Orm-Embar
2014-09-06, 05:53 PM
How are the new prescription meds working for you?

Just throw it out the window.

PurityIcekiller
2014-09-07, 08:18 PM
How should I dispose of this weapons-grade plutonium?

It was a mistake. I thought it was a lion.

enderlord99
2014-09-08, 04:15 PM
Why did you yell at me to get in the car?

It's not like we're in a hurry or anything.

backwaterj
2014-09-08, 06:42 PM
Could you please just finish my root canal before you go home?

Personally I prefer rickshaws, but whatever floats your boat.

KuReshtin
2014-09-09, 07:09 AM
Don't you think jet packs would be the coolest way ever to get from point A to point B?


Honestly, I think that's a terrible idea. You should use a bald-headed eagle instead.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-09, 09:02 AM
What happens when you cross a monkey with a turtle?

Ten was the best.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-09, 10:02 AM
Why don't you turn it up to 11?

The cardboard box was the best part.

ORione
2014-09-09, 10:39 AM
What did your cat think of the fancy, expensive toy you got her?

Ask your mother.

braveheart
2014-09-09, 10:51 AM
Daddy do you love me?

because of relativity

backwaterj
2014-09-09, 01:49 PM
Why do I feel younger when I drive really fast?

With lasers.

Dudeons
2014-09-09, 04:29 PM
How are you going to top Darth Vader's birthday cake?

I'm OK! Just give me a minute.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-14, 10:50 AM
How are you going to top Darth Vader's birthday cake?

I'm OK! Just give me a minute.

What are you doing in there? Are you ok, should I come in?

PurityIcekiller
2014-09-14, 12:11 PM
Are you ever going to answer this?

Yes, and I'd gladly do it again.

backwaterj
2014-09-14, 02:44 PM
Is it true that you shot the sheriff but utterly failed to shoot the deputy?!

Because science.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-14, 03:55 PM
Why did you burn our school's Biology textbooks?

It was for the children.

Scarlet Knight
2014-09-14, 04:06 PM
Why is there a moat around you house?

The sky was yellow and the sun was blue.

Lheticus
2014-09-14, 04:46 PM
F?! How could my drawing possibly be an F?!

I don't know, I don't want to know, NOBODY should want to know!

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-14, 05:10 PM
F?! How could my drawing possibly be an F?!

I don't know, I don't want to know, NOBODY should want to know!

just how fat is she!?:smalltongue:

I love triangles, and squares, and hexagons, and rectangles........................................ ..............

backwaterj
2014-09-14, 05:41 PM
How could you get yourself caught up in a love triangle?

Mostly the cream-filled ones.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-14, 11:39 PM
What kind of twinkies do you think you eat the most?

It imploded and flew into the sun.

Dudeons
2014-09-15, 11:17 AM
Why is your car over the line?

I did it myself. In the middle of the Australian Outback. While fighting dingoes. WITH A BOX OF SCRAPS!

Hexalan
2014-09-15, 11:28 AM
Dude, where'd you get this painting of a guy fighting dingoes with a box of scraps in the middle of the Australian Outback?

WE ARE DA EMPRAS FUREH-no wait, I'm sorry, no we're not.

Testsubject5
2014-09-15, 03:35 PM
Why are there a bunch of people dressed like emo's outside?

Satanism, just satanism

braveheart
2014-09-15, 04:22 PM
WHY IS MY HOUSE ON FIRE!!!??

I nuked it

ORione
2014-09-15, 04:26 PM
What happened to the TV dinner I was planning to eat tonight?

That would only make it stronger.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-15, 05:01 PM
Should leftover broccoli be heated before serving?

Left at the first star, then straight on until morning.

Testsubject5
2014-09-15, 05:04 PM
How can I get to grandmothers house?

Zoidberg

braveheart
2014-09-15, 05:10 PM
So who's your new boyfriend?


I swam there

Hexalan
2014-09-15, 05:53 PM
What were you even doing on Iwo Jima?

Steal rain.

backwaterj
2014-09-15, 11:15 PM
What is the most vital survival technique for any desert-dwelling scoundrel?

Yeah, but Tesla did it first.

enderlord99
2014-09-16, 12:46 AM
Did you see that‽ He just caught a thunderbolt!

Because I said so! BECAUSE I SAID SOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-16, 01:50 AM
Why are we yelling?!?! What!??! What did you say?!?!

Do whatever you want with it, I swore off that stuff years ago.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-16, 07:18 AM
I'm making coffee, you want some?

You ask a lot of questions, citizen.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-16, 08:29 AM
I'm making coffee, you want some?

You ask a lot of questions, citizen.

Why did the secret police take away those people?

I dont know, go ask someone else.

Testsubject5
2014-09-16, 08:46 AM
What is the meaning of life?

Glory to Arstotzka

EmeraldRose
2014-09-16, 09:32 AM
Do you have any final words of testimony before your trial?

One fish, two fish, purple, green, and gold.

braveheart
2014-09-16, 10:49 AM
*hums a tune* do you remember the nursery rhyme that went with that?



YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-16, 03:23 PM
Hey man, what are hot dogs made out of?

Don't make me relapse!

backwaterj
2014-09-16, 03:48 PM
Hey, I'm screening a Spongebob marathon at my house. Wanna come?

By the power of Greyskull!!!

Testsubject5
2014-09-16, 06:03 PM
What were the first words of that weird chant again?

I most certainly do not

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-16, 08:20 PM
What were the first words of that weird chant again?

I most certainly do not

Do you have mad skills?

Red.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-17, 07:21 AM
If Godzilla and a power outlet had a baby, what would you name it?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-17, 09:05 AM
What did the Halfling sound like as it ran by being chased by a Dragon?

Seven minutes.

braveheart
2014-09-17, 10:53 AM
what was your time for the 100 meter dash?


I dropped a mountain on it

Orm-Embar
2014-09-17, 11:02 AM
Our pan-galactic audience desperately wants to know, how did you manage to rid your home world of that pesky Alien vs. Predator infestation?

It's only the most important rule of dreaming.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-17, 11:08 AM
Why do we have to go to sleep NOW?!?!

A squid.

Lheticus
2014-09-17, 11:16 AM
Calimari? Wtf is that made of?

The answer to that is impossible for any mere mortal to comprehend.

Testsubject5
2014-09-17, 12:29 PM
Whats 18/3?

Your very soul

backwaterj
2014-09-17, 12:37 PM
How much will a night on the town in San Francisco set me back?

It sounds eerily like frying bacon.

Dudeons
2014-09-17, 12:41 PM
Did you get the new Skrillex album?

Imma deck you in the schnoz!

braveheart
2014-09-17, 01:22 PM
What're you goanna do to stop me?



that'll be 987,543,210 platinum.

Testsubject5
2014-09-17, 01:23 PM
How much for this apple?

Nothing

EmeraldRose
2014-09-17, 01:32 PM
What would you say to an all expense paid trip to your favorite Con?

Water and ghost peppers.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-17, 01:46 PM
What would you say to an all expense paid trip to your favorite Con?

Water and ghost peppers.

How did you make his stomach implode?

No power in the universe can stop us now?

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-17, 02:09 PM
What cheesy one-liner should we say after we activate the Doomsday Machine (TM)?

I chucked that worthless thing in the trash.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-17, 02:22 PM
Has anyone seen my Infinity Stone?

That's all that's on the news.

Testsubject5
2014-09-17, 06:23 PM
Did you hear about the ebola outbreak?

A man with no arms

backwaterj
2014-09-17, 06:29 PM
Assuming you don't want to be a jackass, who's the last person you should offer a high five to?

Baked in a casserole, so no one's the wiser.

Lheticus
2014-09-17, 06:52 PM
And you're SURE he'll never know what happened to his pet gerbil?

The only way I can possibly answer that is by not even answering.

Scarlet Knight
2014-09-17, 10:12 PM
Can you sing "The Sound of Silence"?

Centaurs at a wedding.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-18, 07:50 AM
What is the name of the new Samuel L Jackson movie?

We can't help it, that's just part of the program's main function.

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-18, 08:11 AM
Why is it our new AI does nothing but stream porn sites?

It somehow ended up imploding and forming a black hole.

braveheart
2014-09-18, 11:40 AM
Dude, where's my car?


13 chickens, 4 dogs, 60 gerbils, and a rhinoceros

Lheticus
2014-09-18, 12:34 PM
So, including the gerbil farm, what pets do you currently own?

The aliens are turning into zombies.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-18, 05:58 PM
What's so bad about us being rescued by superpowered space aliens?

Just keep swinging.

Testsubject5
2014-09-18, 06:16 PM
I'm nailed to this swing, what should I do?

Decay

Laughing Dog
2014-09-18, 06:45 PM
What's a five letter word for rotting?

Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, and I forgot the rest.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-18, 07:08 PM
Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

It was a dark and stormy night.

ORione
2014-09-18, 09:01 PM
Do you really expect me to believe that you saw and heard nothing while your next-door-neighbor was being murdered?

I'd like a beer.

backwaterj
2014-09-18, 09:33 PM
Welcome to the AA meet! Can I get you anything?

Teriyaki sauce makes everything better.

Dudeons
2014-09-18, 10:10 PM
Are you sure I don't need to go to the hospital?

He punched out ALL my blood!

Testsubject5
2014-09-18, 11:40 PM
What did shrek do again?

3 elephants, 14 clowns, 2 ostriches, and a thermonuclear bomb

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-19, 12:53 AM
What's it say in the cookbook about a recipe for disaster?

You always say no. Always. Say. NO.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-19, 07:10 AM
Why did you have to go ask the Vampire Lord if you could kill everyone instead of me?

Coffee.

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-19, 08:08 AM
What wondrous substance does your time machine run on?

He doesn't come around any more, not since the Cinnabun Incident.

Lheticus
2014-09-19, 11:21 AM
Whatever happened to Gabriel Iglesias? He was funny!

That's not the cake recipe--that's the recipe for Noodle Implement Soup!

backwaterj
2014-09-19, 03:59 PM
Why on earth does this cake recipe call for so many daggers, pitchforks, and sewing needles?

Thirty-seven, same as Samuel L. Jackson.

Testsubject5
2014-09-19, 09:10 PM
Whats the magic number?

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-20, 01:49 AM
How did you get your mouth sewn shut?

It wasn't me, it was the boogeyman!

Orm-Embar
2014-09-20, 10:39 AM
Who won the dance-off?

The house is upside down, literally!

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-20, 11:11 AM
Why do you need to borrow my anti-gravity gauntlets?

The squirrels are coming! Run for your lives!

ORione
2014-09-20, 12:39 PM
Whoa, why are you running?

It comes and goes.

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-20, 02:27 PM
Whoa, why are you running?

It comes and goes.

Where is Cthulhu?

Math songs of course!

Scarlet Knight
2014-09-20, 04:59 PM
Why is the violinist using a ruler instead of a bow?

Shiver me timbers!

backwaterj
2014-09-20, 05:26 PM
Are you aware it's forty degrees below optimal temperature in this lumberyard?

It's hopeless. He shows all the telltale symptoms of hypochondria.

Septimus Faber
2014-09-21, 04:18 PM
Please explain just why my husband barricaded himself inside the potting-shed with a bottle of disinfectant and a months's supply of Amaretti biscuits.

Yes, but the graphics drivers are now self-aware.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-21, 04:28 PM
Wasn't this comic book supposed to be animated?

It all started one day last year, a little earlier than usual, thanks to the malfunctioning alarm clock wars.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-21, 04:38 PM
Is it story time?

That belongs on a tee shirt.

Testsubject5
2014-09-21, 06:26 PM
What do you think of this picture of my baby?

Meh

backwaterj
2014-09-21, 07:34 PM
What do you think of this tee shirt with a picture of a baby on it?

Only in Surinam.

ORione
2014-09-21, 11:52 PM
Have you ever met any Surinamese people?

Not if the king himself ordered me to.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-22, 12:30 AM
Will you ever shave your beard?

Ya'll just been Loki'd.

Testsubject5
2014-09-22, 09:06 AM
Why did you say Loki was over here? you got all of us to look.

The square root of -4

Sorrcerousflux
2014-09-22, 09:48 AM
Why did you say Loki was over here? you got all of us to look.

The square root of -4

What does the letter i mean?

30,000 bad muffins!

Lheticus
2014-09-22, 10:42 AM
The muffin factory closed down? Why? O_O

Everybody do the flop!

Orm-Embar
2014-09-22, 11:38 AM
Are you really qualified to teach modern dance?

The ice cream has its own agenda.

backwaterj
2014-09-22, 02:55 PM
What's with that maniacal laughter coming from the Baskin Robbins?

If you have to ask, you really don't want to know.

Testsubject5
2014-09-22, 05:32 PM
Where is the bathroom?

Why would you ask my that?

braveheart
2014-09-22, 07:10 PM
can you answer my question with a question?


He said "I am going to destroy you." and the rest is history

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-22, 07:18 PM
How did the fourth Harry Potter book end again?

Try again in the next 100 years or so.

backwaterj
2014-09-23, 06:15 AM
Can you believe they denied me the senior discount at Denny's?

On July 24, 2043, at 6:57:04 pm. Give or take a decade.

ORione
2014-09-23, 11:11 AM
Will you marry me?

He's running around with no pants.

Dudeons
2014-09-23, 11:26 AM
Where are my keys?

I AM an adult!

Testsubject5
2014-09-23, 06:26 PM
Are you an adult?

NOPE

backwaterj
2014-09-23, 06:44 PM
Is that Chuck Testa in my bed?

Pixie dust. Lots of pixie dust.

Angsty Anubite
2014-09-23, 07:02 PM
How are we going to reduce fuel consumption for these fighter planes?

The simple solution is because I'm Batman!

Orm-Embar
2014-09-23, 08:03 PM
How did you manage to solve the puzzle and escape that fiendishly clever deathtrap?

I dunno, they were just a bunch of creepy crawly things.

Lheticus
2014-09-23, 08:10 PM
Surely escaping the villain's deathtrap could have a more simple solution than this?

Repeat to the court one more time what you saw after the containment seal breached?

I'm sorry, your answer was NOT supposed to be in the form of a question. This isn't Jeopardy, you know.

Targ Collective
2014-09-23, 09:36 PM
Not guilty?

I think you're a little young for that. You should learn to walk first.

Dudeons
2014-09-23, 10:03 PM
How do I get a wheelchair?

This must register on an emotional level.

backwaterj
2014-09-23, 11:35 PM
How could you not notice I'm eight months pregnant?!

We must settle this with that most ancient and honorable of ritual battles, Rock'em Sock'em Robots!

EmeraldRose
2014-09-24, 07:44 AM
Who gets the last donut?

One day, there was one cup. The next day, there were two. From there, it was exponential...

Orm-Embar
2014-09-24, 10:24 AM
Have you always been addicted to coffee?

It's like it was tatooed on his forehead.

backwaterj
2014-09-24, 06:57 PM
Did Andre the Giant always have that bruise on his head from running into doorways?

That never happened and you can't prove it was me!

copycatcat
2014-09-24, 11:35 PM
What about the noodle incident?

Illusionary air.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-25, 09:34 AM
What keeps the bird up?

Chocolate and roses.

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-25, 09:59 AM
What should we offer in our next sacrifice to the Unholy Dark One, Destroyer Of All The Good And Light?

He just got "The Talk". This will surely not end well.

B-Man
2014-09-25, 10:49 AM
Why did Jim pour a cup of coffee with sugar in it?


Route 7.

Lheticus
2014-09-25, 02:14 PM
For the last time, I don't want the road to VIRIDIAN City, I want the road to CYLLAGE City! From Camphrier Town--now which one is it?!

Oh sure, YOU try finding a better use for a pogo stick, a box of catherine wheel fireworks and a half-ton of cream cheese!

ORione
2014-09-25, 02:36 PM
You think you're a competent adult? Don't you remember what happened during the Noodle Incident?

It didn't work out. I got caught.

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-25, 04:28 PM
So how'd your plot to kill the headmaster and secretly take their place without anyone catching on go?

Forget it, it's a total loss.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-25, 05:22 PM
Do we have enough body parts to try a resurrection?

At least a thousand pounds.

backwaterj
2014-09-25, 07:55 PM
How many Milky Way bars does your average gamer consume in a decade?

Mayday! Mayday! Abandon ship!

Testsubject5
2014-09-25, 08:54 PM
Someone shot our car with a spitball, what should we do?

Think of the children.

copycatcat
2014-09-25, 09:50 PM
Why?

Him.

braveheart
2014-09-26, 10:55 AM
who is the creepiest villain in a children's TV show?



42,456,824,843,875,054

EmeraldRose
2014-09-26, 11:12 AM
How many times have you gone to the bathroom today?

He ate the star.

copycatcat
2014-09-26, 03:11 PM
Where did the star go?

Reverse Questioning.

Testsubject5
2014-09-26, 05:49 PM
Why are you answering my questions before I ask them?

1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,55,89,

backwaterj
2014-09-27, 03:51 AM
Why is something just not adding up?

Terror. Pure, unadulterated terror.

Dudeons
2014-09-27, 04:09 AM
What kind of expression do you have on your driver's license?

My body is ready!

copycatcat
2014-09-27, 10:18 AM
Would you follow me, test subject A0112-4?

Muahahahahaha!

ORione
2014-09-27, 10:21 AM
Hey, who turned off the lights?

Now you don't.

backwaterj
2014-09-27, 08:38 PM
Excuse me, do I look like someone who's about to break his vow of silence?! *goes wide-eyed and clamps hands over mouth*

I blame the President.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-27, 10:20 PM
Did someone forget to water the flowers?

Three of clubs.

copycatcat
2014-09-27, 10:45 PM
What is that card?

Deutsch

Testsubject5
2014-09-28, 03:35 PM
What gender are you?

Me, Myself, and I

backwaterj
2014-09-28, 05:11 PM
Who are your three top picks for Supreme Overlord of Earth?

That's a terrible, horrible idea. Let's do it.

braveheart
2014-09-29, 01:25 PM
why don't you just jump off a cliff?



By the power of Grayskull

Orm-Embar
2014-09-29, 02:25 PM
My battle cry is "Spooooon!" - what's yours?

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest.

copycatcat
2014-09-29, 03:54 PM
What's your favorite song?

Ja, ich sprache Deutsch.

EmeraldRose
2014-09-30, 09:15 AM
Können Sie mich verstehen?

I walk alone.

CrimsonKnight
2014-09-30, 09:30 AM
Why don't you want to be in the parade?

An unmarked grave.

Orm-Embar
2014-09-30, 10:37 AM
Where do I take used textbooks to get rid of them once and for all?

Hey, they started it.

KuReshtin
2014-10-01, 05:39 AM
Could you please stop speaking German?


It's been a rule since 1937, but it's rarely enforced.

CrimsonKnight
2014-10-01, 01:42 PM
Why don't things we buy last as long as they used to?

Enough paper towels to soak up the Nile River.

Lheticus
2014-10-01, 02:47 PM
Wait, what did you want me to pick up again for your evil plan, boss?

That would be why they're called "one-armed bandits."

Orm-Embar
2014-10-02, 07:23 AM
Didja think those robbers had any idea they were threatening the kingdom's greatest swordsman?

Years and years of discord.

V I'd like to thank the Academy... and all the little people.

EmeraldRose
2014-10-02, 07:49 AM
Orm-Embar! Orm-Embar! Can you tell us the number one reason for your success as a celebrity chef/musician/reality TV star?

ORione
2014-10-02, 10:04 AM
Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Dragons.

backwaterj
2014-10-02, 05:17 PM
All right, who brought that Ebola into the country?

Because it's laundry day.

Targ Collective
2014-10-03, 01:47 AM
What is that smell of soap about?

Noooo, nooooo, noooooo.... Alright yes.

AvatarVecna
2014-10-03, 04:00 AM
Are you a brony?

Because it's more fun on the floor.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-03, 08:06 AM
Why don't you roll dice on the table?

After that, everything was kind of a blur.

EmeraldRose
2014-10-03, 08:06 AM
Is there a reason why you're not sitting on the couch to play video games?

Someday you will know.

Dudeons
2014-10-03, 01:29 PM
Mommy, why are you taking my dice to bed with you?

If we could just round up the malcontents of Glasglow into one big army, then I think we'd have a chance!

backwaterj
2014-10-03, 03:39 PM
Do you think they'll ever remake Braveheart?

That's slanderous and off-base, and I resent the implications!

ORione
2014-10-03, 05:18 PM
Hey, weren't you in Guardians of the Galaxy?

... You're a jerk.

Lheticus
2014-10-03, 07:11 PM
Did you get that package I sent you?

I don't care, and there's no reason anyone else should either.

CrimsonKnight
2014-10-04, 01:52 PM
Why is no one else trying to help me stop the universe from imploding on itself?

Not even industrial strength bleach is getting those stains out.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-04, 02:47 PM
From the look in your eyes, you went ahead and watched the Twilight movie marathon, didn't you?

One of these days you're going to die laughing!

AvatarVecna
2014-10-04, 06:04 PM
What should we inscribe on Christopher Lloyd's tombstone?

That's what they call me.

ORione
2014-10-04, 06:09 PM
Why does your locker have "Loser" on it in spray paint?

No.

AvatarVecna
2014-10-04, 06:16 PM
Have you ever played "Five Nights at Freddy's"?

My prescription ran out yesterday.

Targ Collective
2014-10-05, 12:52 AM
Okay. I see.. pentagrams in blood. Ram skulls. Looks like you've let a black cockerel into the house. And let's see OH MY GOD YELLOW AND PURPLE ICHOR WHY THOSE COLOURS????

Yes! No! Maybe! Yes! No! Maybe! OhmygodIcan'tdecide!

AvatarVecna
2014-10-05, 03:27 AM
Is dancing Groot cuter than four assassin kitties?

So long as it would fit in my backpack, yeah.

Laughing Dog
2014-10-05, 02:55 PM
Would you mind disposing this unstable warp core for me?

That is a lot of wolves.

Orm-Embar
2014-10-05, 03:30 PM
What's the last thing a lost reindeer says?

Hey, it works in the movies.

backwaterj
2014-10-05, 08:07 PM
Why won't this katana cut through the lock of this bank vault?

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. That or leprechauns.

Lheticus
2014-10-06, 07:52 AM
Hey, why's my sandwich gone?!

Dude, it eats souls!

CrimsonKnight
2014-10-06, 11:06 AM
A car that gets 500 miles to the gallon? What's the catch?

It exploded so violently they're still cleaning up pieces of it all over town.

Passive Pete
2014-10-06, 02:57 PM
Hey, where'd the DM go? I was just leveling up my Kobold Divine Minion 1 / Wizard 1 / Master of Many Forms 3...

It's not my fault blenders are made like that!