Totally Guy
2013-07-07, 07:04 AM
Trial of the Clone is a choose your own adventure kind of game by Zack Weinersmith of the SMBC webcomic.
In this thread anyone may post to select an option and I will sporadically come back and post the next part based on what people have voted for.
You are zero years old, suspended in a warm, moist sac. You’ve been sitting here happy and stupid for, if your marks on the wall are correct, approximately 9 months.
Behind you, a slit of unbearable brightness appears and draws your gaze. You want to turn away, but an overwhelming sense of purpose and meaningfulness propels you to this mystical opening. In a triumphant burst, you leap headlong into the light.
Instinctively, you whirl around, knowing that behind you is someone who will love you unconditionally as long as you live.
Your vision unblurs and you find a plastic gestation vat into which a young technician is already squirting a syringe of clone sperm. The first emotion you feel in your life is disappointment. Interestingly, it’ll also be your last emotion, and about 80% of the emotions in between.
Sixteen years later, it is your birthday.
Your entire life has been spent in the confines of a small space-orphanage near Ritni Otvor IV. In the early 28th century, philanthropy became fashionable among the wealthy, and there was a shortage of orphans to adopt. Hence, your existence. By the time you were synthetically gestated, the wealthy had moved on to fighting for access to healthcare for wiener dogs. Hence, your sad existence.
Despite being the only child in the orphanage during your cutest years, you were passed over time and time again. Some cited your hair, others your physique, others your conversation. However, when exit surveys were filled out, by far the most common sentiment was simply “Meh.”
Now that you are 16, you are legally unadoptable.
Father Nadezda fills out some forms, notes that you are “now unadoptable for 2 reasons,” and grimaces at your eyebrows. As you reflexively cover them, he explains that you will be sent to the Silene Monastery at Skubnuti Prime. He hands you a strange golden note, which you are not to open.
You arrive at the Great Monastery of Skubnuti. It is a tall tower of black stone, covered in shimmering jewels and strange writing. It is funded by government tax subsidies and by convincing poor people to donate a percent of their income.
The Silene Monks were once the champions of justice and peace in the galaxy. But, later, all their mystical pow- ers were superseded by advances in weapons technology. Now, much of their time is spent amusing tourists and smoking slightly different cultivars of marijuana.
At the front gate, you are greeted by a gaunt man in black velvet robes – Master Belmopasek. He looks you over, briefly snarls in disgust at your eyebrows, then indicates for you to enter. You hand him the golden note.
He reads it for a moment, looks up, then pokes you in the eye. He observes you as you whine “not in the face!" then nods his head and writes a few words on the note.
You follow him inside, expressing your profound rage with a mumbled threat to “write a blog post about this.”
You’ve spent the last 3 years learning the ways of the Silenes. You learned that there is a mystical energy that surrounds and binds the universe, which can be harnessed to lift stuff or to shoot lightning.
You learned that there is a Good Side of The Energy and an Evil Side. You were informed that the Evil Side is generally preferable, since the learning process is much shorter and you gain all your power just by being upset or cowardly. The Good Side requires rigorous mental and physical discipline to achieve comparable results.
Ever since the Silenes were utterly marginalized by improvements in technology, both goodsiders and badsiders spend most of their time watching movies and browsing the Internet.
Now that you are 19, it’s time for you to learn a craft. You head to the Silene Monastery’s vocational training campus.
Will you choose to be a Medic, Fighter or Engineer?
In this thread anyone may post to select an option and I will sporadically come back and post the next part based on what people have voted for.
You are zero years old, suspended in a warm, moist sac. You’ve been sitting here happy and stupid for, if your marks on the wall are correct, approximately 9 months.
Behind you, a slit of unbearable brightness appears and draws your gaze. You want to turn away, but an overwhelming sense of purpose and meaningfulness propels you to this mystical opening. In a triumphant burst, you leap headlong into the light.
Instinctively, you whirl around, knowing that behind you is someone who will love you unconditionally as long as you live.
Your vision unblurs and you find a plastic gestation vat into which a young technician is already squirting a syringe of clone sperm. The first emotion you feel in your life is disappointment. Interestingly, it’ll also be your last emotion, and about 80% of the emotions in between.
Sixteen years later, it is your birthday.
Your entire life has been spent in the confines of a small space-orphanage near Ritni Otvor IV. In the early 28th century, philanthropy became fashionable among the wealthy, and there was a shortage of orphans to adopt. Hence, your existence. By the time you were synthetically gestated, the wealthy had moved on to fighting for access to healthcare for wiener dogs. Hence, your sad existence.
Despite being the only child in the orphanage during your cutest years, you were passed over time and time again. Some cited your hair, others your physique, others your conversation. However, when exit surveys were filled out, by far the most common sentiment was simply “Meh.”
Now that you are 16, you are legally unadoptable.
Father Nadezda fills out some forms, notes that you are “now unadoptable for 2 reasons,” and grimaces at your eyebrows. As you reflexively cover them, he explains that you will be sent to the Silene Monastery at Skubnuti Prime. He hands you a strange golden note, which you are not to open.
You arrive at the Great Monastery of Skubnuti. It is a tall tower of black stone, covered in shimmering jewels and strange writing. It is funded by government tax subsidies and by convincing poor people to donate a percent of their income.
The Silene Monks were once the champions of justice and peace in the galaxy. But, later, all their mystical pow- ers were superseded by advances in weapons technology. Now, much of their time is spent amusing tourists and smoking slightly different cultivars of marijuana.
At the front gate, you are greeted by a gaunt man in black velvet robes – Master Belmopasek. He looks you over, briefly snarls in disgust at your eyebrows, then indicates for you to enter. You hand him the golden note.
He reads it for a moment, looks up, then pokes you in the eye. He observes you as you whine “not in the face!" then nods his head and writes a few words on the note.
You follow him inside, expressing your profound rage with a mumbled threat to “write a blog post about this.”
You’ve spent the last 3 years learning the ways of the Silenes. You learned that there is a mystical energy that surrounds and binds the universe, which can be harnessed to lift stuff or to shoot lightning.
You learned that there is a Good Side of The Energy and an Evil Side. You were informed that the Evil Side is generally preferable, since the learning process is much shorter and you gain all your power just by being upset or cowardly. The Good Side requires rigorous mental and physical discipline to achieve comparable results.
Ever since the Silenes were utterly marginalized by improvements in technology, both goodsiders and badsiders spend most of their time watching movies and browsing the Internet.
Now that you are 19, it’s time for you to learn a craft. You head to the Silene Monastery’s vocational training campus.
Will you choose to be a Medic, Fighter or Engineer?