Things I'm Not Allowed To Do While Gaming

[Nahal]

3186: I am no longer to seduce NPC's without at least getting their name.

[Rockphed]

3187: I cannot play a vampire Psion named Kerrigan.
3188: Nor a paladin named James Raynor.
3189: If my two weapon fighter gets two locked gauntlets and duel weilds short swords, he should not scream, "MY LIFE FOR AIUR!" as his battle cry.

[Magnus_Samma]

3190: I am no longer to seduce NPCs who are not of my creature type.

[The Orange Zergling]

3187: I cannot play a vampire Psion named Kerrigan.
3188: Nor a paladin named James Raynor.
3189: If my two weapon fighter gets two locked gauntlets and duel weilds short swords, he should not scream, "MY LIFE FOR AIUR!" as his battle cry.

I read your post. And literally laughed out loud.

V: I thought it was spelled Adun Tauridas... :P

[Destro_Yersul]

3191: In the grand tradition of SC ripoffs, "Adun Turidos" is NOT the command word for a wand of invisibility.
3192: My PC may NOT have a suicide attack, no matter how much damage it deals.

[Penguinizer]

3193: KHAAAAAN!! Is not an acceptable battlecry.
3193b: Neither is "NEEEEEEERD!!!!"

[The Faceless]

3193c: neither is "I'll give you a right good seeing too!". Unless we're doing a Victoriana campaign and i'm some sort of english gentleman of leisure. and even then, use it sparingly.

[Wolf53226]

Furthering the things not allowed to be a battle cry:
3194: "NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE!!!"
3195: "WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!"

[Maxymiuk]

3196: I will not provoke the three red dragons by yelling "Your father was a wyvern, and your mother a newt!" Even if it does stop them from tearing the rest of the party apart and get them chasing me instead.

[Dairun Cates]

3197. Will not base villains on people I have a personal grudge against.

3198. Will not destroy the magical ship in the bottle that contains the next adventure by setting it on fire and throwing it at the Kraken

3199. I will not throw alchemist fire at the evil Goblin chieftan with a baby shield and a pile of babies behind him.

3200. Even if I CAN blame it on him in retrospect.

3201. It is assumed in a high power campaign in a point buy system that I will buy at least ONE combat skill.

3202. Likewise, in said same system in a more social campaign, I am assumed to have to have at least one NON-Combat skill.

3203. If it requires more than 5 acronym's to explain, I can't have it.

3204. If figuring out the cost of it requires college level algebra, I can't have it.

3205. My cleric of Pelor does not have a 3 int so stop assuming every tiny hole is the citadel of darkness.

3206. Pelor has no reservations to alcohol, and my cleric has no basis to think it's evil

3207. No matter how reserved my cleric is, after 4 years of adventuring, he will know what a vow of celebicy is and whether he has taken one.

3208. Also, in reference to #3207, I REALLY will not make my GM flirt so hard with my character that he starts twirling his hair and licking his lips just to get my character to talk about how awesome Pelor is.

3209. Other gods are not wussies.

3210. Giving prophetic dreams to the stupidest person in the party is a no-no.

3211. I cannot buy 100 pieces of chalk, even if they are great antacids.

3212. I have NO use for that silver bell.

3213. I shall make sure that no more than a third of the words I say in any given session are Pelor.

3214. Killing a lowly vampire spawning with a giant massive damage ray of light is not Pelor's will, it's overkill and it's pathetic.\

3215. I will not go into a beserk rage everytime I crit a knowledge (religion) roll on information about a rival God to Pelor.

3216. I will not make a character that idolizes a character from last campaign because my new character thinks he did all the things my cleric did.

3217. This is ESPECIALLY true if he's idolizing a rogue and all his stories are about spell-casting.

3218. Not allowed to sing about Pelor during Second watch.

3219. Playing a Dwarf does not automatically make me mortal enemies with every elf within 10 miles.

3220. Especially not player character elves.

3221. B3 is not to be used as a weapon in my very capable hands.

3322. I cannot create weapons with the damage code V1V with an area of effect.

3323. The players don't care how it's so bad it's funny, we will never play a Dream Park campaign.

3324. I am not allowed to watch the other player be eaten by a Kappa in the first 15 minutes no matter how stupid he was about it.

3325. There is no use for a handful of stink weed in your pocket.

3326. No gloating to the GM when using said handful of stinkweed to outsmart a succubus.

3327. You may not tell the Oni to "please be gentle" (Thank god that one isn't me).

3328. As legitamite of a tactic it is in mythology, the GM would prefer you NOT suckle the Banshee (Also not me, thank god).

3329. Don't taunt the giant man eating ceramic frog.

3330. I am not allowed to invent new dice rolling mechanics for "the hell of it".

3331. "Don't be a jackass" is not enough information on character creation limits.

3332. The GM may not have an NPC record the PC's most embarassing moments and play it on TV with Benny Hill music.

3333. The GM will never allow the players to set traps ever again. After the 14th stun grenade, the 18th spike trap, the 20th hand grenade, the 50th exploding clone, the 60th missle pod sprouting out of nowhere, the 75th greased cooridor and the 100th stereo blasting Spice Girls, all against one enemy, it just got ridiculous.

[Green Bean]

3334: I am not longer allowed to manipulate the mundane equipment guide. That means no buying ten-foot ladders for 5cp, turning them into two 10ft poles, and selling them for 1sp each

[Lial Swiftlight]

3335.Polymorphing the wizard into a ferret because he was ticking me off is bad enough, but making him my familiar is taking things too far.
3336.Even if he is much cuter this way.
3337.I am to hate the wizard despite the fact that he is more powerful than me, not because of it.
3338.I do not have weapon proficiency (forest fire).
3339.Especially when I'm playing a druid.
3340.Half-dragon poop is never considered an appropriate bribe.
3341.Not even then.
3342.In the future, I will think twice before breathing fire in enclosed spaces.
3343.When the town guard asks for an explanation, the appropriate answer is never "collateral damage", even if it is technically correct.
3344.I will not wipe out the BBEG’s entire army with one well-placed spell.
3345.In fact, I am no longer allowed to play druids in army campaigns.
3346.I will try and tone down on spells that require the DM to re-draw the dungeon map.
3347.Just because if I use all my higher-level spell slots I can cast 39 dimension doors per day, does not mean I should abuse this fact.
3348.Detect Evil is not a role-playing tool.
3349.I challenge people to a duel by slapping them with a glove, not a spiked gauntlet.
3350.If the explosion is powerful enough to vaporise the castle, I should assume I can't evade it.
3351.Especially when I'm right in the middle of it.
3352.No matter how good my bluff check is, I cannot convince the bugbears I don't exist.
3353.I will not take bets on whether I can make the BBEG cry if I mock him enough.
3354.Clerics are not projectile weapons.
3355.Rust monsters do not make appropriate pets.
3356.Nor do spheres of annihilation.
3357.I cannot bypass the negative level imposed by the evil sword by handing it to another PC and wielding him.
3358.I will not perform card tricks with a Deck of Many Things.
3359.I will not obliterate the entire gnomish village unless I can think of a better reason than "because they're gnomes".
3360."No-one else can think of a reason to let them live" is not a better reason.
3361.My backup lock pick is not an adamantine battleaxe.
3362.It sure as hell isn't a scroll of meteor swarm.
3363.Disintegrate isn't the answer to all the world's problems.
3364.Disintegrate is not a substitute for the disable device skill.
3365.Nor is it a substitute for the open lock skill.
3366.I am not to bypass important role-playing encounters by sneaking round the back and disintegrating my way in.
3367.Nor am I to bypass entire dungeon floors by disintegrating a hole in the floor/ceiling.
3368.In fact, I am never to play a character who is capable of casting disintegrate ever again.
3369.Foiling the DM's cunning, inescapable, instant death trap with a level 1 spell may be fair play, but reminding him of it every time I see him for the next month is in poor taste.
3370.Insisting the DM roll his d20 in view of the players so I can keep a tally as proof his dice hate me is in poor taste.
3371.Dragons are not a taxi service.
3372.Just because the Balor is grappling me does not mean he needs a hug.
3373.If I cannot keep a straight face when describing my course of action, I am not allowed to do it.
3374.Objects one or more size categories larger than my character never count as a light load, no matter what my strength score is.
3375.I will refrain from dismissing my feather fall spell just to "speed things up a little".
3376.The sense motive skill cannot be used on inanimate objects.
3377.If I do six times the NPC's max hit points in one hit, I am to assume they are dead.
3378.Especially if I specified "I power attack them as hard as I can in the head".
3379.Even if it is technically non-lethal damage.
3380.I will refrain from spiking everyone's drinks with holy water on the off-chance we have a vampire in our midst.
3381.Groping attractive women is not an acceptable form of greeting where I come from.
3382.I may not create tornadoes indoors.
3383.I will not start a cult that worships chickens as gods, no matter how well I can justify the logic behind it.
3384.I am not to stand watch all night for three nights in a row, and then deliberately fail my save to stay awake just for kicks.
3385.I cannot use a bluff check to deny someone their saving throw, no matter what the rules say.
3386.This goes double if I'm the DM.
3387.I will never play a naked female half-orc barbarian prostitute ever again.
3388.I am not to play a wyrmling dragon just so I can see if I can get the other characters to read me a bedtime story.
3389.In fact, I will never play a character with an age in the single digits ever again.
3390.In the future, I will refrain from playing characters who do not have a single language in common with the rest of the party.
3391.If I am to insist on keeping the fact that my character speaks common a secret, I deserve everything that happens to me when I am eventually found out.
3392.The dungeon master smiling is not my cue to reach for a new character sheet.
3393.I will not play a cleric of a deity for whom I could use any part of my own anatomy as an improvised holy symbol.
3394.In the future, I will identify magic items before using them on other party members.
3395.I will never, EVER have such an in-depth discussion of kobold sexuality ever again. It creeps the other players out.
3396.It is generally assumed that humans and kobolds cannot breed together. There is no need for me to conduct experiments to make sure.
3397.Not even in the name of Science.
3398.I will never again talk the other players into playing a party composed entirely of bards.
3399.I will not kill then reincarnate other PCs just because I have a problem with their race.
3400.I may not hide behind the wizard at the sight of a single CR 1/3 skeleton just because my character is morbidly afraid of undead.
3401.This goes double if I'm the tank.
3402.Dragons are not "basically giant scaly cats". As such, they cannot be placated by scratching them behind the ear.
3403.I will not derail the entire campaign by starting the quest for the ultimate beer.
3404.Pleading innocence by virtue of "they had it coming to them" is generally not an effective defence.
3405.Operating under an alias for the entire campaign just to throw anyone trying to scry me is considered overly paranoid. It won't work anyway.
3406.I must be capable of both spelling and pronouncing my character's name.
3407.I must be capable of remembering it, too.
3408."Things I don't like" is not a valid choice of favoured enemy.
3409.Purposely choosing my favoured enemies to match the other PCs may be technically legal, but it is considered to be in poor taste.
3410.I may not sass the gods.
3411.Especially to their faces.
3412.There is no such thing as the elemental plane of beer.
3413."Pop tart" is not a playable race.
3414.Neither I nor any character I play is allowed within 100 feet of anything with an alcohol content any more.
3415.The next time the dungeon master disallows a combat manoeuvre, I am to accept his judgement. Not attempt to prove it can be done by demonstrating it on him.

[Winged One]

3216. An artificer is expected to put ranks into Use Magic Device.
3217. I am to make sure that the elf is the only one with a spell that can deal with something before I use it as an excuse to say "shut up and fix that" to him.
3218. I will not cause rule 104 to no longer be true when playing an artificer.
3219. In the continuing saga, "whoops" is not a sufficient appology when the BBEG kills us with the sword I broke rule 3518 with.
3220. I will not sell the elf's soul to Asmodeus. For one thing, he's probably still mad at me about that one time I called him a tan'ari.
3221. NO, that doesn't mean I should sell his soul to a different archdevil!
3222. I will not sell any part of the elf to Glasya.

[Green Bean]

3416. An artificer is expected to put ranks into Use Magic Device.
3517. I am to make sure that the elf is the only one with a spell that can deal with something before I use it as an excuse to say "shut up and fix that" to him.
3518. I will not cause rule 104 to no longer be true when playing an artificer.
3519. In the continuing saga, "whoops" is not a sufficient appology when the BBEG kills us with the sword I broke rule 3517 with.
3520. I will not sell the elf's soul to Asmodeus. For one thing, he's probably still mad at me about that one time I called him a tan'ari.
3321. NO, that doesn't mean I should sell his soul to a different archdevil!
3322. I will not sell any part of the elf to Glasya.

You should probably check your numbering...

[Winged One]

I did, thank you.

[J_Muller]

3521: I cannot heal someone by casting Polymorph Other and turning them into themselves.
3522: I cannot bring someone back from near-death by polymorphing them into something else, then back into themselves again.
3523: I may not polymorph the other PCs into a different gender without their knowledge and consent.
3524: I may not base characters off characters from Stargate SG-I.
3525: Even if it's spelled with only one L.

[Scorpina]

3525: My race is not 'Other'.
3526: Nor is my class.
3527: Nor is my gender.
3528: There is no such thing as a 'were-virgin'.

[J_Muller]

Ah, yes, I almost forgot this one:

3529: I may not use Polymorph Other on someone to restore their virginity.

[Cheashire]

3530. I am not allowed to play a gnome artificer.
3531. If hell froze over and I WAS allowed to play one, I certainly could not make a small gun that shoots live pigs at my enemies.
3532. ...or condoms that work like Chinese Finger Traps.
3533. ...or a giant metal chicken that I could ride (dubbed the 'Robocobo' by my fiance)
3534. ...or Voltron.

[The Orange Zergling]

Ah, yes, I almost forgot this one:

3529: I may not use Polymorph Other on someone to restore their virginity.

3529b: Or to cause someone to lose their virginity.

[Sam de Cheese]

3535. I may not send my pet or minion for pizza
3536. the above applys to any other takeaway meal

[MrNexx]

3521: I cannot heal someone by casting Polymorph Other and turning them into themselves.

Ever read "The Elvenbane" by Andre Norton and Mercedes Lackey? That's precisely how dragons in that universe fast-heal... they're able to control their shape, and while it hurts like Hel, they can solve the physical part of healing by shifting into an undamaged form.


3522: I cannot bring someone back from near-death by polymorphing them into something else, then back into themselves again.

Why on Earth NOT? The polymorph spell has the side-effect of healing you one day's rest worth of HP per change (or something similar), does it not? That would give them several HP if they were of advanced level. You're presumably NOT going to polymorph them into a form with a big hole in its stomach.

It sounds like you're using one of the least abusive applications of polymorph intelligently, and someone's getting pissy.

[Cheashire]

3535. I may not send my pet or minion for pizza
3536. the above applys to any other takeaway meal


Aww...what's the point of the leadership feat then? :smallfrown:

[Just Alex]

Aww...what's the point of the leadership feat then? :smallfrown:

Material Component for Animate Dead.
Duh

[ExHunterEmerald]

Staffing your (airship crew, army's ranks, castle's servers, etc).

[Artanis]

Staffing your (airship crew, army's ranks, castle's servers, etc).
...or building the ship (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0300.html) :smalltongue:

[CrazedGoblin]

3537: i shall not have a headache while being a DM as it causes the appearances of such creatures such as owlbears....

[J_Muller]

Ever read "The Elvenbane" by Andre Norton and Mercedes Lackey? That's precisely how dragons in that universe fast-heal... they're able to control their shape, and while it hurts like Hel, they can solve the physical part of healing by shifting into an undamaged form.

No, I've never read it, but it sounds interesting.




Why on Earth NOT? The polymorph spell has the side-effect of healing you one day's rest worth of HP per change (or something similar), does it not? That would give them several HP if they were of advanced level. You're presumably NOT going to polymorph them into a form with a big hole in its stomach.

It sounds like you're using one of the least abusive applications of polymorph intelligently, and someone's getting pissy.

I've never actually done that, but I meant from 1-->full. It seemed to me to be a sneaky way to fully heal someone without using healing spells at all.

But now that you mention it, for lesser healing jobs, that wouldn't be a bad idea.

[Maxymiuk]

3538 If your statement renders the GM speechless for the next few minutes, it's safe to assume that once he speaks, the answer will be "No!"

[Cheashire]

Material Component for Animate Dead.
Duh

Only if the dead then fetch me a pizza. Otherwise...total waste.

[Scorpina]

...maybe you could transmute the minions into pizza, instead...

[Magnus_Samma]

I'm not sure I could eat pizza made out of zombie, however magically delicious that pizza might be.

[Just Alex]

Only if the dead then fetch me a pizza. Otherwise...total waste.


This actually reminds me of one.
3539: One shall not summon an Inevitable because the delivery guy failed to get there in 30 minutes or less.

[brian c]

Then why is it there? Sheesh.

3131: When designing a fantasy campaign world, it is enough to simply decide that the recipe for gunpowder does not work. The recipe for gunpowder does not have to create a virus that turns people into catgirls.

This was actually a very special kind of game; one set of players designed a dungeon, then my group played through the dungeon. There was an island in the middle of the lake of oil that had an artifact we needed. What was supposed to happen was that we would go across and then the lake would be set on fire, but a player sent a summoned eagle over and I just felt like swting it all on fire anyway.

[J_Muller]

3540: I am not allowed to base characters off anything Clint Eastwood has ever played in a movie.
3540b: Especially Inspector Harry Callahan.
3541: Even if my character is not based off Inspector Callahan, I am not allowed to give him anything which can be in any way described with the words ".44" or "magnum", even if I can recite the entire "Do you feel lucky?" speech from memory.
3541b: Especially if I can recite the entire "Do you feel lucky?" speech from memory.

[Arceliar]

3542: Monks wearing burlap sacks may not cut nipple holes out, no matter how much they're trying to save on weight.
3543: The same goes for the crotch...you know what? no cutting holes out of clothes without some specific higher cause.
3544: In retrospect, monks shouldn't wear burlap, even if they've taken Vow of Poverty
3545: That doesn't excuse monks from wearing clothes.
3546: While we're talking about monks, "Other" is not a valid body part with which to make an Unarmed Strike, no matter what that name implies.

[J_Muller]

3547: I am not allowed to use time travel to cause new templates to retroactively apply to my character.
3548: The backup plan is not always detonating a thermobaric explosive.

[The Orange Zergling]

3549: I may not randomly declare "cutscenes", during which my character gains abilities he would not normally possess or be able to pull off.
3550: Even if my name is Vincent Valentine.

[goat]

3548: The backup plan is not always detonating a thermobaric explosive.

Indeed. If they're available, that should be Plan A.

[nivek1234]

3551: Who's on first (or any variant thereof) may be used on NPCs

[Magnus_Samma]

3552: Any character who uses any variation of the sentence "My name is ______, you killed my ______, prepare to die." will be fireballed on sight.

[Arceliar]

3553: I may not play another Warforged Warlock
3554: If I DO play another Warforged Warlock, I will not concentrate all night on a wall of fire while my party sleeps.
3555: Nor will I create darkness filled with bats under icy waters in an effort to create, and then pilot, a ship made of frozen bat carcases while using my 1 rank in Perform (Vocal) to sing Mozart's Requiem.

[J_Muller]

3556: Saying any of the following words or phrases causes my character to lose 5 HP automatically: 'Thermobaric explosive', 'tactical nuclear warhead', 'I attack the darkness', 'And now for something completely different', 'Say hello to my little friend', or anything which is obviously a double entendre.
3557: Saying any of the following words or phrases causes my character to die instantly: 'There is no spoon', 'The problem is choice', any excerpt of the 'do you feel lucky' speech from Dirty Harry, any of the lyrics from 'Stacy's Mom', or 'battery-operated boyfriend'.

[TSGames]

3558. The power word kill is not "nih."

[Winged One]

3559. That's Power Word Stun.

[J_Muller]

3560: The Power Word Kill is also not "Excellent!" nor is its somatic component a short riff on your air guitar.

[rielfprincess]

3561. I am no longer permitted to play nameless characters.
3562. I am no longer permitted to insist that the DM reads character histories that are over 1 page in size 12 times new roman, single spaced, with one inch margins.
3563. Just because I know all sorts of absolutely useless random information does not mean that I should use it in game. Especially when the random information is used to predict every plot-turn coming up without having ever read the campaign before simply by having read too many gothic novels.
3564. If one person in your group has decided that he is the comic-book knowledge master, it is considered rude to prove that he doesn't know what he's talking about, especially if you're a girl. This goes double for the person who believes that he has all gaming system rulebooks memorized.
3565. I am no longer permitted to make characters based out of any anime (due primarily to my tendancy to watch the odder stuff like Kodocha :-D).
3566. I am also supposed to resist the urge to create a character based on anything I read in Terry Pratchett (although nobody else in the game reads it, so they won't know anyway). As a side note, I am also supposed to stop quoting the latin bits because either the group's scholars will begin debating a translation (which is fun for me) or the group's non-scholars will inform me that my native language is English (shows what they know).
3567. I should really try playing a character that is more than half my age (over 12) some time.
3568. Although not actually forbidden, it is not nice to, after the entire group gets used to me playing hyperactive small characters with penchants for stealing/singing/doing random stuff/being distracted, bring in a coldly logical priest-type character.
3569. It is, however, forbidden for me to torment the GM for weeks before the campaign starts by insinuating that the character will be similar to all my others except with the power to marry people.

[Jade_Tarem]

3570: My loremaster engineer's battle cry is not the scream of a mortally wounded catgirl.

[Green Bean]

3571: Clerics, even if they are empowered to marry people, are only allowed to do so if the two people are willing. No more 'Mr and Mrs Fleshgolem' on the battlefield.

[idunno]

3572: I am not allowed to shoot a flaming arrow on a mummified undead covered in oil if a party member is grappled by it.
3573: the same counts for doing any other thing that could possibly ignite a that oil.

[Hurlbut]

3574: In refer to 3572, I cannot justify it by claiming that he'll contract Mummy Rot eventually.

[Wolf53226]

3131: When designing a fantasy campaign world, it is enough to simply decide that the recipe for gunpowder does not work. The recipe for gunpowder does not have to create a virus that turns people into catgirls.

You know, back in high school, my DM made it so that the recipe for gunpowder made black pudding, which was quite the annoying 2nd edition monster.

[Scorpina]

...black pudding is a foodstuff, damn it. *mutters*

[1337_master]

3575:You cannot use the deathstar to destroy a world, then demand you get XP for it.

[goat]

...black pudding is a foodstuff, damn it. *mutters*

Indeed. It should have been an excellent excuse to make a fried breakfast.

[Talyn]

3575:You cannot use the deathstar to destroy a world, then demand you get XP for it.


3575b: This goes double if you are in a medieval or modern-themed campaign. I don't care HOW many ranks of Craft: Exotic Weapon you have!

[Meynolds]

3576c. Even if you wear Black armor!
3576d. Or a dark, long, flowing robe, and are really old.

[Dareon]

357...6?: I am not allowed to take levels in Renegade Mastermaker if we are not playing in Eberron.
3577: I am not allowed to remove everything portable from the bandit stronghold we just cleared out.
3578: Even if everything from the bandit stronghold hadn't belonged to the nearby town at one time, roleplaying haggling over its selling price would still have been bad form.
3579: Even if I can afford it, I am not to construct an effigy tarrasque. There are better things to make, anyway.
3580: Artificers are restricted to one homunculus, or at most a number equal to their Int bonus.

[Arceliar]

3581: I will not argue that damage reduction protects against "shame" damage.

[El Honcho]

3582: "OOPS" is a legal excuse to kill a PC, but only if you are playing Paranoia.
3583: don´t throw the halfling in a well just to see how deep it is.
3584: Or throw him in the air, so he can "scout from above"
3584b: especially not in a low cave.

[Jade_Tarem]

3585: It is not expected that the barbarian will grasp the finer points of detective work.
3586: Not allowed to use survival skill to survive a hopless fight, no matter what the name implies.
3587: Not allowed to halt the battle over the princess by killing the princess.
3588: Not allowed to refer to the paladin as a polygraph machine.
3589: Not allowed to diplomacy everything that isn't bolted down or on fire "just in case."

[nivek1234]

3590: "The wheels on the bus" is not an appropriate song to inspire courage.

[Hivemind Ghost]

3560: The Power Word Kill is also not "Excellent!" nor is its somatic component a short riff on your air guitar.
It is. It totally is.

3591: I am not allowed to play a Chaos Beast or Gibbering Mouther.
3592: Especially not Lawful Good ones.
3593: I cannot play Chaotic Inevitables either.

[DaMullet]

3594: Any character starting an underground dueling ring may not name it "Fight Club."
3595: If the character does name it fight club, the first rule cannot be "Don't talk about Fight Club." Never.
3596: Especially if your character's name is Tyler.

[Rockphed]

Shouldn't the fight club be an intelligent, chaotic great club with a special purpose(destory stuff) and lots of nifty powers that forces all owners of it to change their names to Tyler?

[Winged One]

3597: If I play an artificer, I will not go after liches for the sole purpose of retaining the essence of their phylacteries.
3598: If I ever have access to the Genesis spell, I will not fill the result with snakes.
3599: When the rule about the +1 shank was made, that also meant that there was no +2 Shadow Hand shank of Wounding.
3600: The knowledge of the Evil Overloard List (http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html) does not raise the BBEG's CR by 3.

[ExHunterEmerald]

3601: Do not turn the giant skeleton statue.
3602: DON'T.
3603: You may not attack the paladin for pointing out it was a bad idea first and mocking you after the skeleton's Command wears off.

[Viscount Einstrauss]

3604- You may not trap any orifice on anyone else's or your own body.
3605- After committing varying horrible crimes as a paladin, you may not turn to your god and say "It's okay. I had Subway."
3606- Unless you're a creature with a bite attack, there is no coup de grace you can perform with your mouth. Especially your tongue.
3607- After angering a god for your selfish misdeeds, you won't be earning yourself any bonus points for sacrificing another player's horse to them.
3608- Ninjas do not flip out all the time and attempt to kill everyone. The other players will disown you the moment you try this in front of the guards.
3609- Mind flayers may not take Profession: Lobotomy.

[J_Muller]

3609- Mind flayers may not take Profession: Lobotomy.

3609b. In the same spirit, necromancers may not take Profession: Mortician.

[Baal king]

433. I must not make sound effects of weapons when I strike my sword.
434. when my fighter moves I must not march whith him at the side of the table.
435. I must never play a game agaist a guy called Stephen Vipham.
436. I will not claim I can read the mind of the DM and say he has dirty thoughts about the cleric.
437. Never throw the dice wile facing south.
438. There is no 438.
439. Keep drnks away from the board, it does not class as a lake when spilt.
440. Fish.

[Baal king]

3610. When i started typing it was 440?? did I just slip into a coma?

[J_Muller]

Might want to check your numbering there... this thread has a lot of pages.

[Hurlbut]

Might want to check your numbering there... this thread has a lot of pages.

Yes and I notice that some of them never BOTHER with EDIT.

[Roderick_BR]

3583: don´t throw the halfling in a well just to see how deep it is.
3611. Just tying a hope on him is, most of the times, not enough.

[Winged One]

3612. I will not play a TWF ranger with a DEX penalty and say he's ambisinister.
3613. There is no way whatsoever to light something on ice, electricity, acid, or sonic.

[NecroPaladin]

3601: Do not turn the giant skeleton statue.
3602: DON'T.
3603: You may not attack the paladin for pointing out it was a bad idea first and mocking you after the skeleton's Command wears off.

Heheheh! I still love this story.

EDIT:

#3614: My hero may not sport a name that exceeds the limit of 5 consecutive uses of the letter "Z."
#3615: Similarly, I must have at least two syllables in the name of my elf or otherwise exotic character that are not seperated by apostrophes.

[J_Muller]

3616: I am not allowed to gain ultimate power by dual-classing to the same class I already am, declaring that I need to roll a fort save to see if my body can hold that much of one class, then subsequently declaring that I have instantly reached Epic status by passing my save.

[NecroPaladin]

#3617: I am not allowed to have more than 4 "half-" templates. 3 is a stretch.

[Quietus]

Adjusting for new numbers…

#3625 – While not exactly disallowed, the bear should never spider climb. Ever.
#3626 – if 3625 is broken, it’s considered poor form to create a Silence field around yourself, silently burst a door with a strength check, and murder six duergar in a single turn when all they were doing is playing cards.
#3627 – When my team has the nickname “Team No Concentration”, I am no longer allowed to ‘play the odds’, and attempt to cast on the defensive to make that last-minute spell work.
#3628 – When you find an enormous door with a face carved in it, and you can’t manage to open it with a strength check from an enhanced bear and two elves aiding it, it is to be assumed there is a key somewhere nearby.
#3629 – I don’t care if you ARE “team healing”, you shouldn’t go and find the nearest Grey Ooze, and use grapples to push it against the door. Your hands will NOT appreciate it.
#3630 – If, after using the grey ooze to open the door, another PC joins the game and asks what happened, please, don’t tell him that you “used the key.”
#3631 – Speaking of keys, it’s considered poor form when you find a large, clunky key, to try it on everything that has a lock, particularly when doing so causes it to start screaming and cast Fear on everyone.
#3632 – If, for whatever godforsaken reason, you decide to force the matter and turn that key, and it produces demons, you are NOT allowed to assume ‘it’s a one time thing’, and continue to attempt it on every door after that.
#3633 – Please, for the love of god, do NOT grapple the two-headed humanoid sewer rat.
#3634 – When chasing five sixth-level wizards across building roofs at level one, it’s perfectly legitimate to use bull rushes to push them off the side. However, if you do, please have enough luck not to roll nothing above a 4.
#3635 – The Tauric template should not be used to combine a Large monstrous spider and a troll, EVER.
#3636 – No, not even then.
#3637 – In the continuing saga, “Whoops!” is not a sufficient apology when you take a demon-possessed elf to a temple of Pelor, place him on an altar, and attempt to exorcise him with no ranks in Knowledge (Religion).
#3638 – Particularly when you’re a nonreligious Rogue.
#3639 – This goes doubly if, after the aforementioned exorcism, the elf’s veins burst out of him, destroy the temple supports, crumble the building, and replace it with a temple made of demonic veins.
#3640 – Make it triply when elves are already assumed to be demons in local culture.
#3641 – If, by some stroke of luck, your wererat manages to climb upside down on the bottom of a bridge, and your team is being attacked by sahaugin, now is not a good time to “see how cool you are”, and let go to find out if you can do it with just your feet.
#3642 – Particularly if you had to roll a natural 20 to do it in the first place.
#3643 – Even if your deity is a Goddess of Fire, throwing flaming flasks of oil in the middle of a forest is generally frowned upon.
#3644 – Your Turning cry is NOT “GET OFF MY KOOLAID M***** F******!”

[Dairun Cates]

3645. Only one person is allowed to be able to gain the ability to reroll dice more than once a session. After the 16th reroll on one dice, it's just ridiculous.

3646. If my tactic can be summed up as, "I'll telekinetically throw the cat at the cancer", then I can't do it.

[J_Muller]

3647. No matter how high my bard's Perform(lute) skill is, I cannot simulate the sound of my instrument using my vocal cords.
3648. If it is banned from use in war by the Geneva Conventions, my character cannot have it as a weapon.

[Jade_Tarem]

3597: If I play an artificer, I will not go after liches for the sole purpose of retaining the essence of their phylacteries.


Ouch. "What? Sent by who? I don't know anything about a portal, I just want to turn your immortal soul into a ring of jumping..."

3649: "Bambi Eyes" is not going to get you more bombs.
3650: When playing a gnoll, rolling in the grass does not give you the power to kill world leaders and get away with it.
3651: Not allowed to do anything I saw Starbuck do once.
3652: It is generally assumed that warning labels are placed on potions for a reason.
3653: If it creates a scene so horrific that the medusa turns to stone, it is now banned.
3654: If a medusa is mentioned in 3.5 DnD, it is assumed that what is under discussion is the female creature with snaky hair and a gaze attack, not the revolver.
3655: When the BBEG has finished his monologue, the first word out of my mouth is no longer allowed to be "Why?" This goes double for plothooks.
3656: No longer allowed to ask the BBEG to repeat that.

[Magnus_Samma]

3657: I am not allowed to play a half-fiend bard.
3658: If I do play a half-fiend bard, his instrument of choice may not be a fiddle.
3659: I cannot challenge other bards to contests of skill for their immortal souls in exchange for gold.
3660: Making a fiddle out of gold imposes a -10 penalty on perform checks.

[Josh Inno]

433. No singing "It's a small world".
434. Even if you leave out the chorus.

[DaMullet]

433. No singing "It's a small world".
434. Even if you leave out the chorus.
Does nobody press the "last page" button anymore? This thread has over 25 pages, but I can't even count the number of people who only look at the first and then post.

[Mauril Everleaf]

I've been reading since page 1, and it amazes me too. Especially when they then "forget" to edit their numbers.

[Quietus]

Quite, but in relation to the last couple pages, after my adjustment, I believe we're correct.

[nivek1234]

Especially when they then "forget" to edit their numbers.

That too...

[DaMullet]

And we all thank you for it.

[Tsunomaru]

3663. No matter how angry he is that the routed thri-kreen chieftain is hopelessly outrunning him, my dwarven soldier may *not* insist that its mother was ever engaged in unseemly activities with a drider.
3364. The answer to every seemingly hopeless dilemma is *not* arson, even though the character in question is a CG elf fighting evil corporate loggers.
3365. Even if it is justified by the RAW ("...speak the language of their creators...") and by background (the creator was a former PC of mine who happened to speak every language; thanks, tongues and permanency -- though he knew these naturally), my warforged scout wizard may *not* speak only Infernal and Draconic (read: Latin and Greek).
--3365a. No, not even if I can actually pull it off.
3366. The NG vow of [everything] expert doesn't actually add anything to the gaming experience, no matter what a challenge he is to play, even if he's swinging a diplomacy modifier higher than 30 at level 7. Yes, swinging it as if it were a weapon. Because he wasn't allowed to swing his mace.
3367. Killing the marilith via grapple and winding up as the only surviving character does *not* constitute "winning D&D".

[NecroPaladin]

3368: I MAY NOT FORGET THE NUMBERS IN MY GAME OR ON THIS THREAD FOR FEAR OF DIVINE INTERVENTION. With chocolate fondue and a cat o' nine tails. Except for if you're in to that kind of thing. Then I will divine-intervention you until you cannot have said thing ever again. Get that, people?

3369: I may not ask if my rat familiar that casts electric spells looks like pikachu.

[Quietus]

3370 : If, for some reason, I do manage to convince my DM to let me break #3369, I must fully understand that I am going to get whipped by gigantic rock monsters at every turn.

[J_Muller]

3371: As an additional corollary to #3369, I may not explicitly state that aforementioned electricity-spell-casting rat familiar looks like Pikachu.
3372: As a more blanket statement, I am strictly forbidden from having familiars or animal companions that resemble Pokemon.
3373: Or Digimon.

[clericwithnogod]

3371: Not allowed to spend more than 15 minutes per session describing the torture techniques I'm applying to the paladin character.

3372: Not allowed to demonstrate torture techniques I'm applying to the paladin character on the paladin player to save time.

[Quietus]

3373 : Demonstrating the torture techniques on the DM, however, is fine, so long as said DM is doing a poor job and I have a unanimous agreement from the other players.

[DaMullet]

3374: No matter how terrible the campaign, how Railroaded the plot, how overpowered the DMPC, the players may not institute a real-life RFED*.
*Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies

[Quietus]

Dunno about that one, Mullet - I've had some pretty bad DMs, and I was almost willing to do that. Instead, I just created PC's specifically built to annoy him. It tended to work - though he vetoe'd my invincible peaceful monk and my super-dragon-killing-paladin.

[Viscount Einstrauss]

3375- Threatening to murder the DM's cat is not the end-all solution to facing the Tarrasque.

[J_Muller]

3375b: The same goes for anyone related to the DM, with the exception of his mother-in-law. In that case, it is an offer.

[MrNexx]

3368. I am not allowed to take ranks in Profession: God to perform the basic daily tasks associated with that profession.

[sethdarkwater]

I don't understand how that's supposed to be a discouragement.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't...:smallbiggrin:

[sethdarkwater]

Don't ya just love knowing that your about to take on an impossible dungeon, spend the next 12 hours talking amongst yourselves on how your going to do it. The Dm tells you you enter, everyone gains 20,000 exp, goodnight. Not very fun but it keeps the PCs alive.

[clericwithnogod]

3373 : Demonstrating the torture techniques on the DM, however, is fine, so long as said DM is doing a poor job and I have a unanimous agreement from the other players.

You can get by without agreement if you're fast and strong enough... Ambush the DM as he enters the bathroom and get in a a few swirlies of compliance before the other players can find a nail to use to unlock the door.

[Stormcrow]

Oh my, someone has a DM who annoys them. :P

[J_Muller]

3369: In the same spirit, I am not allowed to take ranks in Profession: Con Artist.

[Artanis]

3375- Threatening to murder the DM's cat is not the end-all solution to facing the Tarrasque.
Heh, I just got a mental image of a DM using a kitten as the Tarrasque's miniature in a game.

Kitten: *bats around a mini a few times*
DM: "Ok, it looks like Fluffy...err, 'The Tarrasque'...Full Attacks the Cleric"
Cleric: "Full attack my a**, that was just two claw attacks!"
Kitten: *starts gnawing on the mini*
Cleric: "...nevermind."

[Nahal]

3378: Giving my elven wizard ranks in Craft: booze and the Brew Potion feat does NOT give me the right to create Tequila Shots of Blur. And the effects most certainly do NOT stack.

[Rockphed]

3378 b: Unless they are a cursed item that blurs everything else.

[MrNexx]

3369: In the same spirit, I am not allowed to take ranks in Profession: Con Artist.

You see, I think that one is perfectly legitimate. However, Profession: God opens up several questions that are best left unanswered.

[nivek1234]

Heh, I just got a mental image of a DM using a kitten as the Tarrasque's miniature in a game.

Kitten: *bats around a mini a few times*
DM: "Ok, it looks like Fluffy...err, 'The Tarrasque'...Full Attacks the Cleric"
Cleric: "Full attack my a**, that was just two claw attacks!"
Kitten: *starts gnawing on the mini*
Cleric: "...nevermind."

That's amazing! I siggied that if you don't mind.

[Artanis]

That's amazing! I siggied that if you don't mind.
Go for it :smallbiggrin:

[White Blade]

3370: When the DM says he is showing his girlfriend that DnD is not evil, now is NOT the time to roll up that half-fiend warlock you've always wanted.
3371: Nor is it the time to make demons cry to their mommies.
3372: Nor, under any circumstances, is it time for your PC to rape anyone.
3373: There is no "Final Solution to the Kender Problem", especially not in a game full of history fans who know full well what you mean.
3374: Just because the DM is a fan of Marx's and Kierkegaard's works, does not mean they are holy writ for your character.
3375: I am no longer allowed to point out that the ideology of the Lawful Neutral clerics is obviously fascist.
3376: I am not allowed to point out the majority of a race is evil so the only solution is to create a "National Goodness Party" and instigate state control of child rearing and killing those who do not comply.
3377: No subtly poking fun at the politics of the DM.
3378: I am not allowed to make philosophical points which the gods themselves cannot answer.
3379: Just because my character is Chaotic Evil is no justification for raping the feminist. Ever.
3380: For the love of god, using charm person does not mean "get laid spell".
3381: If you insist on being a jerk about it, you can't have it.
3382: If I use Dominate Person and modify memory to make someone rape and then think they raped of their own free will a small girl, I deserve what I get when they/their-relatives/the-child's-relatives figure it out.
3383: The same goes for any other heinous and vile crime I might force them to commit using that strategy.
3384: Doing the above strategy to a paladin means a sure fire death by Holy Sword, and, for the record, you may not say its because of the "stick-in-ass".

[Nahal]

3385: Bypassing 2 sessions' worth of planned events via seducing a lab tech and getting her to fire up the time machine to "feel the vibrations" is grounds for a fort save vs syphillis. Especially if I knock out and hogtie her as I "finish".

[Nahal]

3378 b: Unless they are a cursed item that blurs everything else.
But they ALREADY do that. Now, Cursed Tequila Shots of Mirror Image... THAT is interesting enough to try.

[Wizzardman]

3386. Thou shalt not blow up a keg of the DM's houseruled Dwarven Beer of Annihilation, which is a trademark from previous games and is already known to contain more alcohol than alcohol atoms would normally fit in that space. Especially not in the first game session. Even if it does save you from all those zombies.

3387: Thou shalt not complain if the DM rules that blowing up a keg of Beer of Annihilation launches you onto a random plane instead of TPK'ing the lot of you. Even if, when the DM rolls on the random plane chart, you end up in the Abyss.

3388: If the zombies you face in the Apocalypse Game are performing a musical number, thou shalt not complain about the lyrics.

[Winged One]

3389: Nothing with "doom" in it's name is a toy.
3390: It is considered poor form to Disintegrate a utensil designed for scooping food so that you can say "there is no spoon."

[Viscount Einstrauss]

3391- Naming your PC "Ilovemen" just to hear your male DM say it every time he refers to you is inappropriate, no matter how funny it is.
3392- Trying to side with the BBEG at a critical moment so you can loot your friends and lay dibs on a small country will hereby be refused.
3393- Roleplaying using the medieval toilet will not get you bonus experience.

[Quietus]

3394 - Threatening to roleplay it, and using your DM's couch as a prop, will result in a Balor coming to pay you a visit.

[Jacob_Gallagher]

3395- I'm not allowed to get up, turn up the volume on napster, do the Thriller dance, and moonwalk across the floor on the idea that the zombies will join my dancing (zombies in-game, me dancing RL).

[Quietus]

Hm. Anyone happen to know what kind of Perform DC would be required before they'd do that? And do you think it'd require the Requiem feat?

[MrNexx]

3393- Roleplaying using the medieval toilet will not get you bonus experience.

"They started pooping on everything." (http://goblinscomic.com/d/20070120.html)

[dr4Kan]

3396: Smite Evil does not automatically work on Gnomes just because they are gnomes...
3397: This rule also applies to Halflings...
3398 This rule may or may not apply to Kender...DMs discretion...

[Meynolds]

4002: I may not become Borg.
4002a: Especially in a Star Wars RPG game.
4002b: Nor in a Forgotten Realms game.

[Brauron]

3398: Gnomes are not an acceptable substitute for toilet paper.

[Nahal]

3398: Gnomes are not an acceptable substitute for toilet paper.

Says who?

3399: Yes, it is ridiculously awesome, and yes it is hilarious, but finding 1,000-year-old fruitcake that is both highly alcoholic and yet dense enough to be used as an improvised weapon is a NOVELTY, not an excuse to waste half a session coming up with "101 Things to Do with Fermented Fruitcake in DnD"

3400: Drunken wizards are not helpful. No matter how justified it may be for the player to roleplay his PC being driven to drink and drugs, and even give him skills for that purpose, killing brain cells while being a member of a class who relies primarily on their mind and complex intricate gestures is a no-no. Try getting the rogue/hooker drunk instead.

[J_Muller]

3401: Getting the DM drunk in RL is not an acceptable way to get him to make your characters gods.

[Hurlbut]

Dudes, check your numbers again! Not another SNAFU. >.<

[J_Muller]

No, I think we're good--oh, dang. Ah, well. Simplest option is just to continue on from wherever the last person left off in this situation.

[Nahal]

Look at this point the number is pretty much arbitrary anyway

[Quietus]

3403 (which is now correct, I believe) : If you choose to have a theme song for your character, the others at the table have the right - nay, the DUTY - to dismember you on the spot if you pick Barbie Girl.

[DaMullet]

3403b: Especially if it's thematically appropriate for your character.

[J_Muller]

3404: As a general rule, creating a character for whom that would be thematically appropriate is grounds for the rest of your group to offer you as a human sacrifice to Vecna.

[Viscount Einstrauss]

3405- Speaking of which, we're not playing a musical. This isn't to say we can't have a little appropriate music in the background. You're just disallowed from singing and dancing to explain the actions of your character.

[Nahal]

3406: Having a mute bard that only communicates through interpretive dance is thus right out.

[krossbow]

3407 I don't care how high a favor check my Nobility character got, he may NOT get people to build him a death star (star wars d20)

3408: Wookie jedies in +3 powered armor with double bladed lightsabers are just overkill.

3409: Tarrasque steaks do NOT "taste just like chicken"

3410: Therefore I may not simply chain it up and use it to open a chain of homestyle diners.

[shaddy_24]

3411: The druid may not:
a. have a tyranosaurus animal companion at level 17
b. use wildshape to change into a tyranosaurus
c. use summon natures ally to summon 1d4+1 tyranosauri
d. ...especially against the BBEG

3412: or convince the other druid to do the same.

[Josh Inno]

3413. Nor may the wizard polymorph the druid into a T-rex.

[krossbow]

3414: Magically reducing the size of tyrannnasaurus's and then making the effect permanent just so they are small enough to make a swarm of them is strictly prohibited.

[Viscount Einstrauss]

3415- Disguise and bluff may let you fake being someone else. The limit, however, is one person at a time.

I guess pretending to be the king who had recently and inexplicably become a cleric, a monk, a shipwright, and a legendary bard was stretching it a bit.

[Nahal]

What about pretending to be the king, who had just developed multiple personalities/become host to several wandering spirits?

[Silkenfist]

3604- You may not trap any orifice on anyone else's or your own body.

On that account... (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-rape_female_condom)

This doesn't make Rule 3604 less sensible for D&D. It just shows the hilarity of the world, we live in.

[Cult_of_the_Raven]

^ :smalleek: :smalleek: :smalleek: :smalleek: :smallconfused: That is gross and weird.

[Silkenfist]

3416. If the plan involves Bluff checks in direct succession to casting a Fireball, it is not allowed.
3417. It is perfectly acceptable for a DM to stage adventures in syphilis colonies in order to cut down their players’ sexual activities.
3418. It is considered good style to inform the players of the disease in advance, though.
3419. Memory-altering spells do NOT allow me to take 20 on social interaction attempts.
3420. I acknowledge that team spirit in the party can be greatly improved by stopping to put bounties on each other’s heads.
3421. If one of my players suffers from a clinical arachnophobia, I should consider toning down the fluff a bit when sending his party to the Lair of the Spider Queen.
3422. “Chaotic Naughty” is NOT an alignment.
3423. When freeing the captured heir to the throne, it is considered bad style to hold her for ransom yourself.
3424. Seducing her isn’t a good idea either.
3425. Doing both is extremely bad style and an tarrasqueable offense.

[Winged One]

3426: We never get PvP XP. Ever.
3427: I should not ask for XP for stopping PvP.
3428: The fact that the DM gave all of us roleplaying XP after I did so should not encourage the party to set up potential PvP situations for the sole purpose of letting me stop it and getting us even more XP.
3429: I may only reveal the fact that I've been playing the party leader like a fiddle to the paladin in an emergency.
3430: Tarrasque is not a verb.

[Rockphed]

3430: Tarrasque is not a verb.

Neither is Verb, oddly enough. At least neither of them were until they were verbed.

[NecroPaladin]

3441: No, no matter what instrument he uses or how he dresses or how black he is, my Bard is NEVER, EVER, "Fun-kay."
3442: Likewise, he is never "In the hizzouse."
3443: These rules also apply to my evil character's minions. I may not have an all-evil-minion Disco.
3444: I may not have a Disco in general.
3445: I may not use the word 'Disco' when speaking in-character.
3446: The limit is 400gp per day spent on prostitutes for each rogue. Any more and they risk dying of exhaustion.
3447: When an NPC princess and/or succubus comes on to me, it is the ABSOLUTE WRONG TIME to come out of the closet.
3448: When the evil dragon took over the throne, It was 'diabolical,' not 'scandalous!'
3449: My evil minions may not, under ANY circumstance, "Sigheil."
3450: The gate is not a toy.
3451: Not for the faint of heart:
It is generally in bad taste for my evil cleric to gain his revenge on the Paladin that chopped off his finger by taking control of his body, but not his mind... Making him mutilate himself regularly until he looks like a monster, and then using him to seek out every single friend and family member that he's ever known in his entire life, regardless of gender, age, or relationship, and proceeding to hogtie/rape/carve my name in/rape/chop arms off/rape/chop legs off/rape/hack into pieces and rub pieces over walls until whole room is red/rape pieces/eat pieces raw/throw up/rape again/eat again/wear deceased's eyeballs on my ... dangly bits ... for next killing (IN THAT ORDER)...while he watches it all, from his own point of view; ending it all when he finally crawls back after losing everyone he's ever known the name of and begging me to kill him, at which point I imprison him and make him undead so he lives forever, tortured by maddening guilt and a minion with a pre-heated chain until I put him out of his misery (which I don't if I can help it). Apparently, there really are some things that even Paladin's don't deserve.
3452: Number 3452 is ESPECIALLY in bad taste in a children's campaign.

[Shadow of the Sun]

Umm, bit of a paradox there, mate.

[Silkenfist]

3446: The limit is 400gp per day spent on prostitutes for each rogue. Any more and they risk dying of exhaustion.

Uhm...wouldn't they be just...you know...empty sooner or later?

[Viscount Einstrauss]

Not if he has a Ring of Infinite Fornication!

3453- There is no such thing as a Ring of Infinite Fornication.

[Lord Iames Osari]

3451: Not for the faint of heart:
It is generally in bad taste for my evil cleric to gain his revenge on the Paladin that chopped off his finger by taking control of his body, but not his mind... Making him mutilate himself regularly until he looks like a monster, and then using him to seek out every single friend and family member that he's ever known in his entire life, regardless of gender, age, or relationship, and proceeding to hogtie/rape/carve my name in/rape/chop arms off/rape/chop legs off/rape/hack into pieces and rub pieces over walls until whole room is red/rape pieces/eat pieces raw/throw up/rape again/eat again/wear deceased's eyeballs on my ... dangly bits ... for next killing (IN THAT ORDER)...while he watches it all, from his own point of view; ending it all when he finally crawls back after losing everyone he's ever known the name of and begging me to kill him, at which point I imprison him and make him undead so he lives forever, tortured by maddening guilt and a minion with a pre-heated chain until I put him out of his misery (which I don't if I can help it). Apparently, there really are some things that even Paladin's don't deserve.

Please tell me that this character met a slow and painful death. In one of my campaigns, assuming I allowed it to happen, that cleric would have been assaulted by an army of solars personally led by the paladin's patron deity, captured, and forced to live out those events from the victims' points of view for eternity in his mind.

[The Great Skenardo]

3454- No matter how high the Charisma, nor how unhinged the character is, it is expected that the sorcerer will, at some point, let the BBEG get a word in edgeways, instead of devoting unbroken minutes to soliloquies about the horrors that are no doubt coming.
3454b- not even if the DM has to call a break to stop laughing and try and restore some sort of sobriety to the table.
3455- During character generation, an acceptable flaw for a sorcerer is not "Always casts the right spell at the right time and the wrong spell at the right time.
3455b-especially when haste and fireball occupy the same spell level.
3455c-a character with this affliction may under no circumstances attempt to be helpful.
3455d-especially around plot-hook NPCs

[NecroPaladin]

Umm, bit of a paradox there, mate.

I meant 3451, but the paradox is equally valid.


Please tell me that this character met a slow and painful death. In one of my campaigns, assuming I allowed it to happen, that cleric would have been assaulted by an army of solars personally led by the paladin's patron deity, captured, and forced to live out those events from the victims' points of view for eternity in his mind.

Nope. He was assaulted in his own city (He's the Dr.Doom-esque King of a city-state)-thus he was able to pass it off as "justified." Like an obscure form of punishment in an out-of-the-way law book. Kinda. Chaotic angels attacked him a lot after that, but he survived until that campaign ended because it wasn't their paladin so they couldn't get zealous enough.

[Lord Iames Osari]

That's disgusting.

[J_Muller]

@NecroPaladin regarding 3451: Points for creativity, but you'd have to pay me to play a session with a player who's creative in that special way. I mean, the repetitive rape/cannibalism/torture is fairly straightforward, but tying the eyes to your danglybits? I hate to think what that guy looks at on his computer when he's alone.

[Deus Mortus]

((You know, the sad part is that I can do better than that))

[Black Mage]

3449: My evil minions may not, under ANY circumstance, "Sigheil."


Aww, why not?


3456: I may not, as a paladin who's goal it is to represent courage, flee from a wall of force when there is nothing else in the hallway.
3457: I may not, as the same paladin, bitch slap the fighter for no reason.

[Deus Mortus]

3458 This thread may never leave page 1

[PhoenixRising]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQvX5WXKqV8
That is a seriously scary video.

3458: No sugar within 24 hours of the game.
3459: No, you may not play Elan.

[Just Alex]

3459b: No, you can't have a psicrystal with your "inner Elan" either.

[Black Mage]

This is somthing my friend did

3460: When your party members are hit with a level drain trap, it is not a wise idea to stop in the middle of climbing the tower steps (that circle around the outside of the tower) to pray for a spell that is two levels higher than the highest you can cast, in an attempt to heal your friends. Especially when gargoyles are now attacking your level 1 and 2 friends.

[Deme]

3461: My druid's animal companion is not allowed to be a swarm of ANYTHING.

[Em]

Damnit, I can't accurately write what LR33 isn't allowed to do (specifically, to my BBEG) while playing World of Darkness, because children post here.

And he's not allowed to mime it, either.

[Green Bean]

3462- You cannot use a reduce person spell to create a halfling swarm

[Deme]

3463- My bard may not have skill points in "perform: breakdance"
3464- Not allowed to use "use magic device" on a person.
3465- When the DM starts using her angry voice when asking my why I'm using 'use magic device' on a person, I am not allowed to look at her innocently and say "Because all the magic we need is in our hearts."

[NecroPaladin]

@NecroPaladin regarding 3451: Points for creativity, but you'd have to pay me to play a session with a player who's creative in that special way. I mean, the repetitive rape/cannibalism/torture is fairly straightforward, but tying the eyes to your danglybits? I hate to think what that guy looks at on his computer when he's alone.

Haha, I specialize in disturbing mental images, and that one was the result of me being really, really pissed at the DM. And the real (in-game) one only went so far as the eating, I just added that in rest later to make sure that NO ONE would sympathize with the character.

Full Story: I'm not NEARLY sick enough to play the whole thing out (otherwise I wouldn't be using my computer for these forums, would I?), and I was pissed because the DM had kept refusing to help the evil character along with anything and had paladins attack me for no reason out of the blue. No matter what I did to them diplomacy-wise or torture-wise, the DM just kept using the damnable "you're evil, that makes paladins attack you whenever they see you" excuse. So I tried to think of something really, really, incredibly, decisively off-putting that would make the DM get the message...and out of sheer rage, this monster was born.

3466-My character may not use anything that used to be alive as jewelry.
3467-My character may not sympathize with the above evil character.
3468-My player may not even consider the said.
3469-I will not try to show the players that I am miffed that one of them chose to be evil in a holy-crusader style campaign by having that one character face a paladin 2 levels above him every other combat encounter.
3470-I may not ask to have sex with something before I've rolled any checks beyond spot (for some of my players when I DM).
3471-Your bard may not specialize in any genre from the 1900s or later.

[J_Muller]

3472: I may not name my bard "The Bard Formerly Known as Bardy McMusicplayer (or whatever his name was before)" nor may I create a complicated, hard-to-pronounce emblem for him.

[NecroPaladin]

3473: I may not post constantly to keep a gaming thread alive.

3474: My title may not exceed 17 words.
3475: My name may not exceed 8.
3476: I may not play my character evil and then call him misunderstood.
3477: It is not really good roleplaying to seek out and eat anything normally not associated with the mouth as my barbarian (ex: puppies, dirt, hobgoblins).

[Nahal]

3463- My bard may not have skill points in "perform: breakdance"
3464- Not allowed to use "use magic device" on a person.
3465- When the DM starts using her angry voice when asking my why I'm using 'use magic device' on a person, I am not allowed to look at her innocently and say "Because all the magic we need is in our hearts."

'Tis a sad game where breakdancing is illegal. Is your GM Mormon? Also, I once played a campaign where I could have made an argument for using UMD on a person. Granted, this "person" was in fact an intelligent shapeshifting magic item, but still. And furthermore, with the amount of magic suffusing high-level casters you'd think that someone skilled enough could use UMD to trigger one of their spells on your action...

[goat]

3478: I may not discuss methods of torturing the captured ninja that make other players feel physically sick.

3479: No horse porn

[Luircin]

3480: I must not play poker with a deck of many things.
3481: I must not get bored with life and just start constantly drawing from a deck of many things just to amuse myself.
3482: The heck with it, I just should never draw from a deck of many things. Period.
3482 (b): It is perfectly acceptable, however, to trick someone else into drawing from a deck of many things.
3483: If I carry out number 3482b, however, I must not whine when my victim gains 50,000 XP and a beneficial medium magic item.

[Telok]

3484: When the halfling sorcerer with a... stocking fetish... finds a loophole in a spell specific to the GMs homebrew setting and gets a 35 Chr, he is not allowed to use a metamagic Enlarge Person that only affects paticular body parts.

3484 (b): Not allowed in any way at all.

3484 (c): And no Diplomacy either!

I miss that character.

3485: I may or may not be allowed to make an epic psychic power that teleports all magic items up to 1000 lbs in weight and within 300 feet (except those on the character's body), into his loot bag.

[Black Mage]

3479: No horse porn

How did this even come up in a game:smalleek:

[ExHunterEmerald]

How did this even come up in a game:smalleek:


When the paladin bought a mount.
"We call 'im Longjohn." *flop-WHAM!*

[Nahal]

Was this the game with the glowing paladin's butt? And the creepy gnome? I think I heard of this.

[ExHunterEmerald]

Ah, I see our reputations precede us.
We're internet famous. That rocks so hard.

[Destro_Yersul]

3485: The BBEG may NOT be an intelligent item with Undetectable alignment and Dominate Person at will.
3486: Nor may he be a rabbit with vorpal teeth.

[BDO]

3487: I am not allowed to use a dragon ascendant as a viable mid-level villain in my campaign just to show the players that they aren't invincible

3488: I may not warp the devil-in-a-gemstone-buried-in-the-forehead-of-our-psion to torture my players

3489: I may not banish outsiders from the player races because then, my players get creative and think about weird sorcerer/meatgrinders that rebuild devils/demons/angels without the outsider template

3489(a): Thou shalt not encourageth players to use creativity to solve a problem cause this shall be the end of yer round

[Dairun Cates]

3489(a): Thou shalt not encourageth players to use creativity to solve a problem cause this shall be the end of yer round

3490: In a similar vein, if I DO manage to get the players to be creative, I shall not assume that they're capable of doing it when it's beneficial to the plot. Matter of fact, it's understood that they'll ruin any planning I did for the night because of it.

[Jade_Tarem]

3491: Apparently, another use on my part of the "Medium? Looks like an extra large." joke when talking to large or overweight fortune tellers will result in DM smiting.
3492: When in bear form I am no longer allowed to point out the special people who can prevent forest fires.
3493: When talking about fireworks it is assumed that a given player is talking about festive pyrotechnics and is not using the word as a euphamism for the aftermath of a plan originating on this thread.
3494: If a teleport spell is insufficient to get the party outside the blast radius, we are no longer allowed to do it.

[BDO]

3495: I am not allowed to use stuff from this thread against my players
3496: I am not allowed to give my halfling monk a bandolier of strawberry pancakes +5
3497: Neither shall my druid receive a shoulderplate of herbal growth
3497 (a): unless the DM gets his share
3498: No, PCs do not pop out of other, outdated and dropped PCs still on scene

[Cult_of_the_Raven]

3499: when starting a campaign in eberron, I may not make a red and blue warforged monk with a grappling crossbow in his wrist.
3500: I may not name him 'spiderman, aracneadude, grappling guy, or any variant on that theme.
3501: he may not have a goblin enemy who can fly around on a disc and drop pumpkin shaped bombs on anyone.

[goat]

How did this even come up in a game:smalleek:

My character likes horses. He also likes drawing. He likes drawing his horses and then giving the pictures to people.

Some people (the DM) think he likes his horses a liiittle too much...

[dr4Kan]

3502: If Frank (My epic sorcerer with a spell that does 10d20 of fire damage to a 40 foot area up to 300 feet away) ever uses the phrase "My bad...," RUN!... :smallamused: ...

[Shraydar]

I am not allowed to kill my party then raise them from the dead to enslave them.

[Dairun Cates]

3504. A phobia of circus clowns is not acceptable in a fantasy campaign.

[Shraydar]

I am not allowed a spell that deals 2d100

[blackout]

3506: I am not allowed to throw the kobold sorcerer at the Spawn of Cthulhu in a feeble attempt at saving my own life.
3507: I will not trip the half-giant and then abandon him to be consumed by the Spawn of Cthulhu.

[TSGames]

3508:No matter how epic I am I may not research a spell that turns me into C'THULU or any other god from the mythos.
3509:I am not allowed to grant a character ranks in "cliche:backstory" just because I feel like being a smartalec
3509(a):even if it is the most horribly cliche backstory ever written

[BDO]

3510: I may not vary my halfling monk by just changing his hairstyle
3511: No, Foot hair is included in this, thank you for asking....
3512: My halfling monk is not allowed to be named Kaine
3513: Neither is he allowed to be named Carradine, David or anything else remembering of one of the two Kung Fu series...
3514: Kung Fu Hustle is not a good referrence for Monk action (I disagree strongly...)
3515: Neither is A Chinese Ghost Story I-III, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Hero, House of Flying Daggers or any other fantastic asian Martial Arts A- or B-movie I can come up that my DM probably doesn't know (The 36 chambers of the Shaolin are excluded from this, for some obscure reason called DM's fancy...).

[Jade_Tarem]

3516: In the continuing saga, "Whoops" is not sufficient apology for tossing down both ends of the escape rope.
3517: It is considered somewhat poor form to refer to your national leaders as "zombie bait" no matter what the situation is with the undead uprising.
3518: Confined spaces and glitterdust do not mix.
3519: When I am asked to split away from the main group and set a fire for the sole purpose of a distraction, it is henceforth assumed that there will be survivors when the rest of the party finds me.
3520: Not allowed to "yoink" the wizard during an incantation of any sort.
3521: Not allowed to cause greater risk to the party for the sake of dramatic tension no matter how well it worked for Elan.
3522: "Blast disks" from Heroes of Battle are no longer to be sent out as formal invitations.
3523: Not allowed to make a bomb consisting of an Otiluke's Resiliant Sphere and a decanter of endless water ever again.

[Pneumatichrsman]

3524: Not allowed to use teleport and explosive runes in the locked and guarded royal library.
3525: Not allowed to use teleport and knock in the royal treasury.
3526: Not allowed to use teleport, improved invisibility, and unseen servant in the princess's bedchamber.
3527: Damnit! No more teleporting.
3528: When anyone (particularly the DM's sister) comes into the basement and asks "D&D, isn't that Satanic?" we are not allowed to huddle and converse quietly for several seconds before responding "No... Are you a virgin?"

[ExHunterEmerald]

3529: In the continuing saga, "Whoops" is not sufficient apology for encouraging the orc to use the head of vecna.
3530: If your character bio starts with "I think this song sums him up appropriately," you cannot play them.
3530a: If it's Linkin Park, change your name and flee this place if you want to live.

[Magnus_Samma]

3531: Your drow fighter's warcry cannot be "Meat for the meat god!"
3531b: Even if it cracks the entire table up.
3532: If you must create for yourself a small army of undead to bolster the powers of your already demonstrably nigh invincible party... don't do it in front of the pope.
3533: If you've been given a cursed helmet to safely convey to another city, for god's sake don't give it to the half-ogre NPC that thinks clubbing himself in the fingers is a fun game. He will not keep it safe.
3534: If you find a nest containing a number of enormous eggs, your thought process probably should not be, "If we steal these eggs, the parents will come after us, and then we can kill and eat them."
3535: If you've just wasted about twenty minutes chasing down a random small child NPC just because she appeared in front of you, and if you need to drop her so you can run to the aid of the party members who are now being assaulted by orcs and screwed because you dragged half of the party into your wild goose chase, don't throw her to the ground, consequently breaking her arm and giving her a gangrenous injury that can't be magically cured because your DM insists on using a half-assed system.
3535b: If you DO do the above, you've already shown yourself to be something of a jerk, so don't waste an entire session's worth of everybody's time trying to get the injured little girl to a town where she can be healed. We know you don't really care about the little girl, let's just eat her to replace those supplies you depleted in one night. Jerk.

[White Blade]

3536: Your warforged does not have to state his emotes before speaking, nor is he a diplomat, made for the facilitation of communications.
3537: Your warforged will not refer to all humanoids as "meat bags".
3538: In fact, no warforged for you.
3539: Your elf paladin trying to bring order to chaotic elven society is a valid premise, but he would NOT kill the Chaotic Good King to achieve these ends.

[ExHunterEmerald]

3536: Your warforged does not have to state his emotes before speaking, nor is he a diplomat, made for the facilitation of communications.
3537: Your warforged will not refer to all humanoids as "meat bags".


...



...HE SHOULD.

[Lobucodo]

3540: there is no prestige class for the warforged called "Rock'em Sock'em Robot"
3541: I am not allowed to make a ranger named Minsc
3541a: If i do make a ranger named Minsc, he cannot have a miniature giant space hamster as an animal companion.
3532: "A wizard did it!" Is never a suitable excuse
3532a: Even if indeed a wizard did it
3532b: Espicially if you are said wizard.

[MrNexx]

3533. "Whoops" is not sufficient justification for setting off a fuel-air bomb which burns down a third of Waterdeep...
3534. Even if the DM collapsed it with an earthquake

[NecroPaladin]

3523: Not allowed to make a bomb consisting of an Otiluke's Resiliant Sphere and a decanter of endless water ever again.

I...am writing this one down.

3535: I am not roleplaying if I talk in gamespeak but just add the words "prithee," "hark," and "verily" a lot (I've had to constantly remind players of this :smallyuk: ). Oh, and those words actually mean things beside just being dialogue-enhancers.

[Foeofthelance]

3536: The gnome is no longer allowed to fire surface to air missiles at flying targets.
3537: Especially when the target is being grappled by allied dragons in midair.
3538: We shall no longer send the LG fighter and his silver dragon to negotiate with demons.
3539: Just because the kobolds ride Dire Weasels is not a valid reason to mount the gnomes on Giant Space Hamsters. Especially not Wooly Rupert.
3940: Just because a gnome is from Krynn does not mean he is allowed to invent the following: Gnomish Popcorn Maker (Cannon), Gnomish Lawn Mower (Blade Golems), or the Chirping Cricket (Handheld Nuclear weapon)*

* These are all from actual stories and novels based in Krynn. I once let them get too close to something from a short story, which was bad enough. It gave them ideas. 'Nough said.

[lumberofdabeast]

3941: I am no longer allowed to make a bard with +2 sunglasses and a +3 suit, who has ranks in Perform (sing) and Perform (dance). (Yes, I know those stats wouldn't actually exist, but I say they do, so nyah.)
3942: If I do so, he may only know songs that would be accurate for the time period.
3942b: I understand that if I ever sing "Sk8r Boi" again, the other players will kill me.
3943: I am not allowed to show flippant disregard of the rules, and justify it by saying "But I say they do, so nyah.".
3944: Even if I am the DM.

(EDIT: Someone mentioned a thread similar to this one on the WotC boards; could someone please post the link?)

[Penguinizer]

3945: You may not use millions of commoners to break the speed of light.
3946: No Electric lutes.

[Dairun Cates]

3941: I am no longer allowed to make a bard with +2 sunglasses and a +3 suit, who has ranks in Perform (sing) and Perform (dance). (Yes, I know those stats wouldn't actually exist, but I say they do, so nyah.)


Let me guess...
3947. In reference to 3941, I am also not allowed to wear a Japanese school outfit +4 and claim I'm from the Rokugan in order to imitate the same effect.
3948. I am not allowed to insert such a character as a major encounter should the players have the lack of foresight to allow me to GM.

[broderickdruce]

(time to fix the numbers again)
3559: Not allowed to create a wizard who give his familiar Fly, Polymorphs it into a green Ooze and goes around advertising himself as a "Ghost Hunter".

[Hurlbut]

(time to fix the numbers again)
Look like it's Lobucodo this time.:smallsigh:

[Green Bean]

3560. It is expected that a ECL 30 character should have at least 1 class level
3561. I am no longer to create a 'Planet of the Tarrasques' campaign for level one characters

[Kesnit]

3560. It is expected that a ECL 30 character should have at least 1 class level

OK, how did you do that?



3561. I am no longer to create a 'Planet of the Tarrasques' campaign for level one characters

Who pissed you off? And how???

[MrNexx]

3561. I am no longer to create a 'Planet of the Tarrasques' campaign for level one characters

The mental image I have is not of a planet populated by tarrasques, but of a planet made of tarrasques... the entire surface is their carapaces, with some dirt which came from the elemental plane of earth, or made from dead trees (created by druids), etc. Occasionally, one will shift or die (they're all eating each other), opening a way into the interior of the planet of the tarrasques.

This would be an interesting place to play, for a game or two.

[Green Bean]

OK, how did you do that?


Templates, my friend. Templates, and specialty races. :smallbiggrin:

[Vispear]

3562: The paladin is still not allowed to do anything.

[Meynolds]

3563 - I am not allowed to call the supreme evil organization AMEN.
3564 - I am not allowed to call the supreme good organization EVIL.
Corollary - If I do, I should expect some very confusing conversations...

[Kesnit]

Templates, my friend. Templates, and specialty races. :smallbiggrin:

I assumed that. I wanted details! :smallbiggrin:

[lumberofdabeast]

3565) I am a bard from a plane loosely based on the middle ages. I should not know Freebird.
3566) Or Sweet Child o' Mine.
3567) Or Panama.
3568) Or Dust in the Wind.
3569) Or Killer Queen.
3570) Or Carry On Wayward Son.
3571) Or Headstrong.
3572) Or Ziggy Stardust.
3573) Or Warpigs.
3574) Or Godzilla.
3575) Or Girl, You Really Got Me Now.
3576) Or Tequila Sunrise.
3577) Or Pinball Wizard.

[Arbitrarity]

3578: I cannot seduce my secretary.
3579: Even if I have maxxed bluff at level 14 and high CHA.
3580: No, not even if I alter self to appear as her husband.
3581: No, not even then.

[timmy_pyromancer]

3582: When the party paladin and the chaotic good incartium(sp?) character both tell the party necromancer not to animate the dead displacer beast, and set readied actions to stop him. the necromancer shall not animate said displacer beast in front of them.
3583: Then proceed to kill both of them when their readied actions(one was a scorching ray) go off on the basis that they started it.
3583: especially not while the parties exalted cleric is falling into the abyss.
3584: I am no longer allowed to kill one player's character every session because he opposes my actions(see #3581), because he is excessively annoying, because he makes a character that attempts to do all the same things mine does (for example being the undead horde master), or just to see what a wall of iron does when it falls 200 feet onto a cleric.

Note the reason why there was such a good/ problem was that when the campaign started it was me(evil necro) and one friend(death cleric) and we were both evil.... then a couple of sessions later my friend wasn't able to play for a while and more people were added. 3 out of 4 of them were good and not going to change and for some reason thought i should change my character to something that would get along better(in their defense i have a habit of changing characters often to try out new ideas, but i liked this character so i wanted to keep it). The result was a 2 on 1 death match while we where on our way to save the exalted cleric that was falling into the abyss. This was only the beginning of the pc deaths in that campaign.

[Nahal]

3578: I cannot seduce my secretary.
3579: Even if I have maxxed bluff at level 14 and high CHA.
3580: No, not even if I alter self to appear as her husband.
3581: No, not even then.


Really? My GM let me take the concept of man-whore and run with it. Heck, the first thing the character did was seduce an intern and bang her on his co-worker's desk, all without getting her name. Granted this was a homebrew system where one can, if so inclined, make the seducer/seductress to end all seducers/seductresses.

[Jade_Tarem]

3582: When the party paladin and the chaotic good incartium(sp?) character both tell the party necromancer not to animate the dead displacer beast, and set readied actions to stop him. the necromancer shall not animate said displacer beast in front of them.
3583: Then proceed to kill both of them when their readied actions(one was a scorching ray) go off on the basis that they started it.
3583: especially not while the parties exalted cleric is falling into the abyss.
3584: I am no longer allowed to kill one player's character every session because he opposes my actions(see #3581), because he is excessively annoying, because he makes a character that attempts to do all the same things mine does (for example being the undead horde master), or just to see what a wall of iron does when it falls 200 feet onto a cleric.

Note the reason why there was such a good/ problem was that when the campaign started it was me(evil necro) and one friend(death cleric) and we were both evil.... then a couple of sessions later my friend wasn't able to play for a while and more people were added. 3 out of 4 of them were good and not going to change and for some reason thought i should change my character to something that would get along better(in their defense i have a habit of changing characters often to try out new ideas, but i liked this character so i wanted to keep it). The result was a 2 on 1 death match while we where on our way to save the exalted cleric that was falling into the abyss. This was only the beginning of the pc deaths in that campaign.

Holy mother of meteors, I DM this campaign. The target of 3584 is on his seventh character or something.

[NecroPaladin]

3584: If it is an undead-focused campaign, consisting of a cliff-edge face-off between the evil undead villain and the two brave heroes (Undead Paladin who hates undead, Necromancer who believes that undead aren't necessarily evil) on the edge of a cliff, the Paladin may not simply pop various charisma-enhancers so that the Necromancer can command the villain to jump off.
3585: Likewise, they may not sit and giggle using him like a puppet.
3586: Unless it's really, really specific to the plot.
3587: Or really, really, really entertaining to watch.

3588: No more undead-based one-liners from my Paladin. EVER. ("Now that was just an undeadhanded [underhanded] tactic," or, to the vampire, after smashing him into a mirror, "That's some bad luck you didn't see coming."

EDIT: Or pushing a vampire into the light: "What's the matter, scum? Something dawning on you?")

3589: I may not be the lone paragon of my race, destined to fight my brothers with a super-awesome choice of weapons, brooding and looking really pretty all the while.
3589 and a half: My hair may not be long and flowing, obscuring one half of my face (unless I am evil and that half is deformed). I may not have one scar vertically over my eye for absolutely no reason.

3590: I had better have a damn good reason for making a character's hair bleach white or silver if they're under 30.

3591: The gibbering mouther is NOT adorable, and I may NOT keep it as a pet. Even if I technically successfully tamed it.

3592: I AM allowed, for some reason, to have my necromancer (and the rest of the party) sleep restfully and undisturbed, despite the fact that he keeps four babbling, wailing, screaming, yelping, growling, and otherwise loud pet allips within 15 feet at all times.

[Attilargh]

to the vampire, after smashing him into a mirror, "That's some bad luck you didn't see coming."
That's kind of awful, but still so very awesome. I wish I could create one-liners like that on the fly.

[DaMullet]

3593: Put down the Monster Manual. Seriously.

[NecroPaladin]

That's kind of awful, but still so very awesome. I wish I could create one-liners like that on the fly.

They're just a knack of mine, inherited from my father, who can also spontaneously think wordplay up on frequent occasions. Which is ironic, considering all my life I've HATED puns with a deep, unending passion.

3594: I may not use the monster "Otyugh" more than 5 times in a sentence.

[pyroguy_93]

3595) other pcs do not give arousement bonuses to charisma.In any cricumstances

3596) neither do thier mothers

[J_Muller]

3597. Not even if the other PC's name is Stacy.

[rielfprincess]

For a friend:
3598. I cannot complain about the gastronomic catastrophe caused by the chef's cooking unless my character has 'scent', after all burrito night is only once a week...

And from my latest gaming sessions:

3599. We are not supposed to defeat the elite police force that was trying to arrest us in a super-hero campaign.
3600. If we do so, we are not supposed to bury them up to their chins and term it "securing for the police."
3601. I am not going to again get away with convincing my team to run away and then calling the police myself to report the 'criminal attack of my place of business' when it was my partymember thrown through the wall.
3602. Despite how well it worked, I am not to use the six-year-old child and the tribe-mate who was knocked unconcious during battle as proof that the paranormal police were using 'excessive force.' Especially since the tribe-mate and I were actively involved in the battle. And yes, the government has agreed to rebuild my business for me.
3603. I may not explain to my teammate who is terrified (to the point of paranoid) of ghosts that our other teammate (who is essentially an elemental) is not a ghost, but the "spirit of a person whose body has left his soul to bond with the very rocks of the desert." This means he IS a ghost.
3604. When the team-leader says, "Okay guys - now we drop on them like a ton of bricks," He doesn't mean to actually float invisibly over their heads and then shape into a ton of bricks and then drop on them. Although it was fairly effective.

[rielfprincess]

Oh! I almost forgot!

3605. You remember waaaay back at the beginning? The big, creepy, hairy guy that insists upon playing females? Yes, well, he is not allowed to discuss himself or his characters poledancing. Nor is he allowed to discuss his underwear. No, not even then.
3606. If it is a disturbing enough mental image to cause the macho former naval corporal to curl up and suck his thumb, the discussion must end there. In fact, it shouldn't have started.

And no I did neither of these. The big, creepy, hairy guy who wants to play females did.

[Beleriphon]

3606. Having watched Pirates of the Caribbean does give me any special insights into the mind of pirates.
3607. Especially if they are squid faced space pirates.

[mikeejimbo]

3608. Not even if I watched Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and saw Davy Jones and assumed he was basically an Illithid.
3609. In fact, no mentioning the whole Pirates line.
3610. Especially not in relation to Cthulhu.

[Mori600]

3611. Talk about playing a good drow with two scimitars after my character dies.
3612. Roll dice if you are picking a fight or fighting with the guards.
3613. Turn yourself in to the enemy even if you are being accused of doing something bad.
3614. Prevent my party from killing anyone.

[Ishkahl]

3615. I cannot have my rogue grab the head of the wizard and attempt a Use Magic Device
3616. Sticking your hand up the wizards butt doesn't work either.
3617. Take ranks in Perform (Ass-kickin) to get a synergy bonus on to-hit and damage rolls

[Nahal]

3614. Prevent my party from killing anyone.

God I feel like I spend half my time doing this. My groups have historically had at least one homicidal maniac/blithering idiot. Sorry that my most recent posts have just been comments, I haven't gamed in a few weeks.

[Jade_Tarem]

3616. Sticking your hand up the wizard's butt doesn't work either.

Not for UMD, but I'll bet you get some kind of result.:smalltongue:

[Dervag]

3604. When the team-leader says, "Okay guys - now we drop on them like a ton of bricks," He doesn't mean to actually float invisibly over their heads and then shape into a ton of bricks and then drop on them. Although it was fairly effective.Why not? It sounds like a perfectly good tactic to me...

[Nahal]

Best use of summon swarm and PaO I ever heard of

Edit: Forgot swarms can't be polymorphed. Next step: research the "summon ton of bricks" spell

[Ravyn]

3618: While feigning death, poisoning, or other means of being incapacitated in mid-battle is a marvelous way of putting my opponents off-guard, I should not be surprised if after a while my group stops falling for it and therefore it becomes less convincing.
3619. ...or be annoyed if they decide that for some reason I'm exceptionally vulnerable and need to be protected.
3620. Drawing the opponent's fire to distract him from the person you're supposed to be bodyguarding is just asking for trouble, but it works. (Especially when you've almost scared his army off already and thus are the most obvious thing on the battlefield.) However, trying to get the point across to said person without tipping off the opponent by telling her, "BACK OFF, THEY'RE MINE!", while effective under most circumstances, should not be relied on when the person in question is a military commander and technically a better fighter than you are.
3621. Furthermore, if the only way to get close to the archer without being killed is to feign falling under his mook army so I can go invisible, I should not expect the person I'm guarding to keep trying not to get his attention.
3622. ...and if I was given the option of NPCing this character during my time as a dead woman and refused it, it's doubly my own fault she's not staying quiet.
3622. Reacting to something someone has merely thought and not said in a conversation--particularly somewhere where someone has already expressed disapproval of mind-reading--is a bad idea.
3623. Telling the party member who just broke 3622 what he did wrong, out loud, when you're being escorted by what approximates part of the location's police force isn't any better. That's what the telepathic comm gear is for.
3624. Are you TRYING to top the time you lot lipped off to the setting's most powerful individual?

[Brauron]

3625: Should the barbarian choose to pick up the Fiendish boar summoned by the villain of this particular side-quest, swing it around, and throw it at the villain, I should not get up and act out the motions, because I will invariably fall on my ass and everyone will be too busy laughing to game.


This actually did happen in Saturday's session.

[brian c]

3578: I cannot seduce my secretary.
3579: Even if I have maxxed bluff at level 14 and high CHA.
3580: No, not even if I alter self to appear as her husband.
3581: No, not even then.

Then what the hell is she there for??? Please tell me this isn't a standard D&D campaign; adventurers don't really need anyone to take their calls or anything

edit: also

3626: Am allowed to completely fill out the equipment section of my ascetic monk's character sheet with one word: pants

[ExHunterEmerald]

3627. The Kineticist is a mighty warrior of the mind, and he was imprisoned unjustly and slung into the maze just like you were. Therefore, kicking him in the stomach while he's bound to "let him know who's in charge" is a bad idea.
3628. The Molotov Halfling trick you and he pulled was totally awesome. Smart improvisation is rewarded.
3629. That said, using the severed limb of the Goliath Barbarian as a weapon is in poor taste.
3629b. And lighting it on fire to use against the troll is straight out.
3629bb. ESPECIALLY if you're the paladin.
3630. You may quote Gladiator and scream "Are you not entertained?!" at the men betting on your demise from above.
3630b. That said, you may not do so every time you win a fight.
3630c. The gnome sorcerer is to cease using the sling he found to catapult dead foes' heads at them.
3630d. After the first time.
Yep. That allllll happened.

[Meschaelene]

3631 Killing other party members because I'm bored.
3632 Killing other party members because they are "not pretty enough to hang out with us".
3633 I will always, henceforth, refrain from killing newly introduced party members because they are "not pretty enough to hang out with us" until I have at least taken the time to discover their name.
3634 If I am handed a character sheet that informs me that I took the penalty "rumored to be an eco-terrorist" on my superhero, I should not decide that it is in fact true.
3635 Stampeding cattle from the cattleyards, through the city, and, finally, through the enemy base, while effective, is not superheroic.

[Blondie]

2720. I am not permitted to use my skills in mechanics to weld surviving Storm Trooper's knees together so that they walk like penguins.

My sides hurt and I cant breathe properly anymore. Also, I can't stop crying.

[Khantalas]

3636. You don't ask Ms. Fellowes out, no matter how cute you think her British accent is.
3637. You don't ask Sasha out, she may be petrifying.
3638. That woman in a white business suit is actually an Erinyes. That's why she has a slight wing-like glow behind her.

[Winged One]

3639: I should probably not expect any luck when I ask the DM if the warmage is from the "great nation of Burni".
3640: Energy Stun(electricity) is not the "make Luke Skywalker cry like a bitch power," even if my character is a Blue goblin kinetist for whom it has been established that all energy powers are blue.
3641: I will not ask the DM about spells that temporarily give the target an evil alignment for the sole purpose of doing horrible things to the elf who my character is only putting up with because she's good and thinks he can be taught to be less of a ****.
3642: Again, after he's done looking up the one I asked about.

[Blondie]

2857: I will not scream "It's opening it's mouth! It's casting a spell! KILL IT! KILL IT QUICKLY!!!" then proceed to violently murder the only plotpoint in the entire module at the very beginning of the module.


next time i'll wait til after it gives us the plot

with you there. First kill I ever made was Meepo. But hey, he was so pathetic and I was still pissed that all I managed so far was miss and fall into a trap.

[J_Muller]

3635 Stampeding cattle from the cattleyards, through the city, and, finally, through the enemy base, while effective, is not superheroic.

[Blazing Saddles]
"Stampeding cattle..."

"That doesn't sound very evil."

"...through the Vatican."

"Kinky..."
[/Blazing Saddles]

[brian c]

3643: The DM will laugh at me if I roll a natural 1 on a sense motive check against a party member, causing my character to rage and charge the hill giant (whom my party member told me had "stolen my shiny things")
3644: I may not add a "bad breath" bonus to my intimidate check
3644b: ditto for body odor
3644c: and especially not for farting
3645: You may not eat the gnome wizard NPC.
3645b: Even if you do kill him first.
3646: You may not take ranks in Craft (the flesh of my enemies) (It has to go under Craft(taxidermy) )

[Blondie]

any excerpt of the 'do you feel lucky' speech from Dirty Harry, any of the lyrics from 'Stacy's Mom', or 'battery-operated boyfriend'.

try 'coin operated boy' ( (c) by the Dresden dolls)

3647: My character cannot be named Comic Relief"
3648: Neither can he be called Reliève Comique and claim he's French.
3649: Not allowed to duck under the table with my hands covering my face screaming "Oh my gods, we're gonna die!" every time the DM moves a muscle.
3649b: Not even when the DM does something listed in "1001 things..."
3649c: Neither if he does something that should have been listed there.
3649d: Especially no: to wake up the crummy neighbours.
3649e: "But I allready woke them the last time so it's doesn't matter anymore" -- No.
3450: An appropriate name for a dragon cave is not: "Loot, stink and two smoking bellows"

[Blondie]

3615. I cannot have my rogue grab the head of the wizard and attempt a Use Magic Device


3615b: not even if he's a warforged

[MrNexx]

You know, the whole UMD thing would be an interesting twist on the Spellthief class...

[Woot Spitum]

3651: Yes, the rhea really is a flightless bird similar to the emu that lives in South America. Yes, it is concievable that one might exist in the game world that can used in conjunction with the summon nature's ally spell. That being said, there is no such thing as a dire rhea. And no, you may not summon one. And even if you could, its attacks cannot sicken or nauseate anyone.

[Quietus]

@3651 - That was good, I laughed. Didn't even pick up on it till the punch line... yay for just waking up!

[Ivius]

3652: Use anything with the "Animal" type for a PC race.

[rielfprincess]

3653. The guys will not be happy if, at the end of the game, you and the only other female player declare that you are throwing a slumber party in the secret base, lock the mentor in the sick-bay (after all, he can't burst in on us while we're watching movies), close out all male PCs, and invite your PCs from two other games to come and join.
3654. If your mentor wakes up during the slumber party and you vote to release him, you should probably warn him that someone broke the monorail tracks to his apartment before you send him home.
3655. When your mentor wakes up again after being healed from the monorail crash, it is not nice to have put on a music video of him being knocked out on repeat in order to make it so 'he can't hear our secrets.'
3656. When he requests that you disconnect the video so that he doesn't go crazy, it is not nice to turn the med lab into what adds up to essentially a sensory deprivation chamber.
3657. When your mentor tries to go home again, it is probably best to inform him before he gets home that one of you busted his pipes and flooded his apartment.
3658. It is also considered bad behaviour to eat popcorn while watching your mentor try to quit the team on huge-screen TV during the slumber party when he doesn't know you are watching because he has traveled half a continent over.
3659. It is completely uncalled for to run up and hug him when he returns, exclaiming, "I'm so glad you're not quitting! But you're going to have to stay in your room because it's girls only right now and you can't go to your apartment until they unflood it because otherwise you'll short-circut the monorail again."