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Amotis
2006-12-13, 01:43 AM
1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on the back of the page.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists I am not allowed to just torch the decrepid mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'to hold their breath for 10 minutes.'
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent dieties.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not 'like big butts and he cannot lie.'
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon profiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick up the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.

Dhavaer
2006-12-13, 01:51 AM
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play an elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliché canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mpg again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass harmonica.
239. Ditto for the Rockerboy.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the Jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long-winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I cannot order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor +5
259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specialization in defenestration.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinnertime Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinnertime Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodge ball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic; likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.

Jack Mann
2006-12-13, 02:12 AM
What's sad is that the guy who originally came up with this list actually statted out polka gnomes (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11905).

Krimm_Blackleaf
2006-12-13, 02:20 AM
Oh god, my sides!

Rockphed
2006-12-13, 03:11 AM
Wow, I feel good now!

Cheashire
2006-12-13, 03:15 AM
301. I am not allowed to declare my plan of action right before the DM takes a drink of his soda
302. If I’m going to think in an accent, I should let the DM know that ahead of time
303. Liquor is not embalming fluid
304. My bard cannot yell “Do the hussle!” before the perform roll
305. My priestess should have at least one rank in Knowledge: Religion
306. I’m not allowed to carry other players in my handy haversack, even if their head is sticking out of the opening
307. I must stop trying to hit on my god…even if he is the hotness
308. Not all church services turn into drunken orgies. Many. But not all.
309. I cannot awaken animals, convert them to my religion, and send them running through town yelling “BEER!”
310. I shall not make the DM consider the ramifications of a half-orc and half-elf breeding
311. My horse cannot be more intelligent than fellow party members
312. I will not mock the ultimate battle of good and evil by pasting ugly orc painting on the constructs butt and then ‘raising the roof’
313. Noble women do not knock over trash cans swearing
314. I will not seduce the poorly named NPC that the DM intended to use for all of five seconds
315. I will not toss boars into the column of light that leads to the realm of chaos just for the hell of it
316. I will also not yell ‘Go piggie go!’ as I do so
317. I will not make fun of the whiny emo dragon
318. Faking constipation is not a good way to get out of going to jail
319. Just because we bombed the enemy with 50lbs of opium does not mean I should encourage the Shugenja to use ‘color spray’
320. I will not wander into the church of St. Cuthbert and use ghost sound to make it seem like the head priest is farting
321. …or use prestidigitation to add a noxious smell to that scenario
322. …or add a billowing green cloud behind him
323. I will likewise not throw the eyeballs, blood, intestines, naughty bits of ANYTHING we kill into that same church
324. I will not attempt to make my instrument shoot out lighting in an attempt to make an electric guitar
325. I will not plunge the entire party into magical darkness during a crucial battle without anyone having taken the blind fight feat
326. There is no Perform: Air Guitar skill
327. I will not attempt to make a Balance check when reading an accountant’s ledger
328. I will not stick their used up cure wand up the prisoner’s rear…even if they are a paladin
329. I will not summon animals from my Bag of Tricks in the middle of a store only to steal a five silver piece item
330. I will likewise not claim that the Bag of Tricks is a trap finding tool


The sad thing is...I'm not even making this list up.

Jade_Tarem
2006-12-13, 03:33 AM
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.

Didn't you say you always played female characters on a different thread? Daaaaaaang.

Destro_Yersul
2006-12-13, 03:43 AM
can't... breathe...
*passes out from laughing too much*

Ladoran
2006-12-13, 04:54 AM
Didn't you say you always played female characters on a different thread? Daaaaaaang.

I'm pretty sure these are not Dhavaer's. As someone mentioned they were first posted by someone who goes by the name theglen (http://theglen.livejournal.com/16735.html). Apparently it's the things Mr. Welch is no longer allowed to do. It's still great fun though :smallbiggrin:.

Jack Mann
2006-12-13, 05:09 AM
Yep. Used to post here, long ago. Before my time, actually, but I've seen some of his stuff..

olaf
2006-12-13, 07:37 AM
315. I will not toss boars into the column of light that leads to the realm of chaos just for the hell of it
316. I will also not yell ‘Go piggie go!’ as I do so

To me, this seems like a perfectly appropriate thing to do with a column of light that leads to the realm of chaos

vanyell
2006-12-13, 12:09 PM
uh... a while back, I made a drizzt slayer PRC...

I am a bad bad man...

must be:
drow
cast arcane spells
killed one drizzt clone

Ethdred
2006-12-13, 01:22 PM
301. I am not allowed to declare my plan of action right before the DM takes a drink of his soda
302. If I’m going to think in an accent, I should let the DM know that ahead of time
303. Liquor is not embalming fluid
304. My bard cannot yell “Do the hussle!” before the perform roll
305. My priestess should have at least one rank in Knowledge: Religion
306. I’m not allowed to carry other players in my handy haversack, even if their head is sticking out of the opening
307. I must stop trying to hit on my god…even if he is the hotness
308. Not all church services turn into drunken orgies. Many. But not all.
309. I cannot awaken animals, convert them to my religion, and send them running through town yelling “BEER!”
310. I shall not make the DM consider the ramifications of a half-orc and half-elf breeding
311. My horse cannot be more intelligent than fellow party members
312. I will not mock the ultimate battle of good and evil by pasting ugly orc painting on the constructs butt and then ‘raising the roof’
313. Noble women do not knock over trash cans swearing
314. I will not seduce the poorly named NPC that the DM intended to use for all of five seconds
315. I will not toss boars into the column of light that leads to the realm of chaos just for the hell of it
316. I will also not yell ‘Go piggie go!’ as I do so
317. I will not make fun of the whiny emo dragon
318. Faking constipation is not a good way to get out of going to jail
319. Just because we bombed the enemy with 50lbs of opium does not mean I should encourage the Shugenja to use ‘color spray’
320. I will not wander into the church of St. Cuthbert and use ghost sound to make it seem like the head priest is farting
321. …or use prestidigitation to add a noxious smell to that scenario
322. …or add a billowing green cloud behind him
323. I will likewise not throw the eyeballs, blood, intestines, naughty bits of ANYTHING we kill into that same church
324. I will not attempt to make my instrument shoot out lighting in an attempt to make an electric guitar
325. I will not plunge the entire party into magical darkness during a crucial battle without anyone having taken the blind fight feat
326. There is no Perform: Air Guitar skill
327. I will not attempt to make a Balance check when reading an accountant’s ledger
328. I will not stick their used up cure wand up the prisoner’s rear…even if they are a paladin
329. I will not summon animals from my Bag of Tricks in the middle of a store only to steal a five silver piece item
330. I will likewise not claim that the Bag of Tricks is a trap finding tool


The sad thing is...I'm not even making this list up.


Now those are funny! I can see why they brought in rule 301

Deathcow
2006-12-13, 01:22 PM
305. My priestess should have at least one rank in Knowledge: Religion


I played a half-orc cleric until level 15 before I took ranks in Knowledge: Religion.

Of course, the amount of crap I took from the other party members was staggering.

Dawnstrider_Moogle
2006-12-13, 02:50 PM
*saves this as "Things I Must Totally Do While Gaming"*

Jinnai
2006-12-13, 04:01 PM
These are generally all ones that have been told to me at one time or another (and most are still in enforcement):

331. You are not allowed to play a kender, even in DragonLance setting, even if that kender does not have a typical kender personality.
332. You are not allowed to play a kender-like character.
333. You are not allowed to have to use <insert irrelevent stat here> as a drop stat.
334. You are not allowed to use your charisma modifier to get laid.
335. You cannot buy kegs of ale and bring them with you.
336. You cannot buy more that a handful of alchemist frost/fire at a time, even if you can fit them inside your happersack for easy storage/reach.
337. You are not allowed to have your character dress in frilly constumes.
338. You are not allowed to even touch anything that has random magical effects.
339. You are not allowed to attack my party members, even if you are a paladin and they all turn out to be chaotic evil.
340. You cannot use that mud-to-rock, rock-to-mud trick on the ceiling to pass by an encounter.
341. I don't care what you roll on your swim check, you cannot attempt a swim check while wearing full plate mail.
342. I don't care what your charisma is, she isn't going to spend the night with you.
343. You may not have your character strip to gain a circumstance bonus in their charisma check.
344. I don't care what your roll is, you cannot turn Tiamat into a cow and carve up some steaks.
345. When going to defeat the major overload, you are am not allowed to just collapse the building on him.
346. I cannot search for hidden doors here either.
347. I cannot not start stripping everything not tied down and putting it in the wagon.
348. You cannot play a stupid ogre fighter who thinks he's really a thief.
349. You are not allowed to quote any line, from any movie/anime/book/etc.
350. You cannot use your Jack-of-all-trades to know the best location to rub the elf.
351. Jack-of-all-trades does not give you: knowledge: mecha in a D&D game.
352. No, you cannot start up an S&M shop with those weapons.
353. Your companions are not equipable shields.
354. You are not allowed to just not spend all your points and have max luck in an Amber campaign.
355. Throwing your boomerang into the magical spring does not always have a fairy appear who gives you a magical boomerang in return.
356. No, you may not have cute fairies as your companion.
357. You may not make every cute girl in the town into your own sex slave, even if you have that insane charisma and you're their ruler.
358. You may turn the town's population into your own personal slave labor.
359. You may not construct a giant mecha.
360. You are not allowed a petit bishonen boy weighing less than 100 lbs. with weak health. so you can try to get a bunch of fangirls in a BESM game.
361. You are not allowed to use your companions as missile weapons.
362. You may not cast "light" on your companions forehead.
363. You may not have a pet Geletenous Cube.

Dhavaer
2006-12-13, 04:24 PM
334. You are not allowed to use your charisma modifier to get laid.

But what else is a charisma modifier for?

And yes, I do only play female characters. No, none of them has rubbed an elf chick. One rubbed a male elf, and another rubbed a half-elf chick, but no elf chicks.

amanodel
2006-12-13, 05:02 PM
based on me, my dm and our players. (some of them were one-timer roleplayers, or mad, that's why some of the oddities)

364. You may not search for every fired arrow after an encounter.
365. You may not gore, skin, flay, or otherwise take apart every single slain creature just to collect 100 feet of hamstring to use as a rope in the future.
366. You may not eat the rest of the creature.
...Even if you offer them to your dark god.
367. You may not collect an undead horde pieace after piece day after day in a hiding place with your level 1 evil cleric.
...Even if you do so, you may not shout "Wheeeee!" while doing it.
368. You may not play a goblin wizard with 3 charisma who has a familiar named "Mr. Toad".
...Even if you do so, you may not declare "Mr. Twig" as your new familiar after losing Mr. Toad.
369. You may not play lesbian warrior women with nipple piercings never again.
...Even if you do so, you may not spend an entire gaming sessions hitting on each other.
370. You may not play samurai paladin gnomes.
371. You may not built a 100' high ladder from 100 year old wooden beds, even if you roll a natural 20.
372 a. You may not play a bard too shy to talk.
372 b. You may not play a bard unable to shut up.
373. You may not pass by a pit trap by filling it with rocks with a week's work.
374. You may not push out your party wizard from the hiding bush just to make him the primary target.
...Not even if you're playing an evil character.
375. You may not cast color spray when the party fighter is at front of you.
376. You may not take the low-level wizard's familiar away by force to threaten him about killing it.
377. You may not steal his spellbook, either.
378. You may not rob your party blind in their sleep.
379. You may not order defeated NPC's from the opposite sex to undress.
... Not even if you need the money for their clothes.
380. You may not shout "Your GP or your HP!" as a battle cry.

NEO|Phyte
2006-12-13, 05:14 PM
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
Laws for the Law Throne!

Nerd-o-rama
2006-12-13, 05:21 PM
These are excellent. I'd like to direct your attention to, basically, a longer, Eberron edition of these rules (http://wiki.rpg.net/index.php/1001_and_more_Things_that_the_worst_party_in_Eberr on_is_forbidden_from_doing) from the twisted minds of to Wizards of the Coast forums

Dark
2006-12-13, 06:14 PM
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
But that one's easy. The piece of paper turns blank...

Demented
2006-12-13, 06:25 PM
"You are now holding a piece of paper with the word 'true' on it."

Viscount Einstrauss
2006-12-13, 06:44 PM
Ooh, ooh, my turn!

381. You may not use the remains of any creature with your sling.
382. You may not play a bard that narrates the party's exploits as they happen.
383. If you lose a limb, you may not wield that limb as an improvised weapon.
384. You cannot spit on the fire elemental.
385. Neither can you spit into an air elemental.
386. You may not magically change your alignment to chaotic evil just so you can murder the rest of the party.
387. It's never peanut butter jelly time. Ever.
388. You can't cook and sell a law officer's remains to hide the evidence.
389. Growing out your fingernails doesn't make them claw weapons.
390. You may not choose a half-dragon stone giant as a cohort.
391. You may not imbue any weapon with a portal to another dimension.
392. You especially may not use that weapon to send them straight to any hell for a technical instant kill.
393. You may not hide inside of your Bag of Holding.
394. Profession: Prostitute doesn't exist. Stop asking.
395. You may use epic bluff checks to force the other players to take certain actions, but this is considering unsporting.
396. Physically harming a player in real life doesn't damage their character.
397. The Hand of God attack is a perfectly reasonable response to aggravating the DM, so I'd stop while you're still alive.
398. If you've contracted a disease, you may not bottle any of your fluids and sell them as poisons.
399. You may not obtain the feat Exotic Weapon: Improvised.
400. You may not bury alchemical fire bottles in shallow holes around the city just for laughs.

mikeejimbo
2006-12-13, 06:49 PM
331. You are not allowed to play a kender, even in DragonLance setting, even if that kender does not have a typical kender personality.
332. You are not allowed to play a kender-like character.



Reminds me of one they gave to me: When the Kender dies, don't resurrect him.

Grey Knight
2006-12-13, 06:52 PM
Most of these are ones I've issued as DM:

401: You may not set fire to the entire forest to get past a wooden barricade unless you distract the druid somehow first.
402: You can't bring the camel into the lighting store.
403: Even if it is your animal companion and you can't bear to be parted from him.
404: The cute blonde female elven wizard cannot take anything with tentacles as a familiar.
405: Just because you're playing an interstitial "catch-up" solo mission and therefore know that your character MUST, necessarily, be alive tomorrow, does not mean that you can throw caution to the wind and wade into battle with no armour and a wooden sword.
406: Heironeous does not allow his paladins to interpret the Paladin's Code "creatively".

mikeejimbo
2006-12-13, 07:08 PM
407. When the kender dies, don't resurrect him
408. One of these days, you ought to play a straight character
409. Any character that rolls a natural 20 on a tumble check doesn't count (Acrobatics isn't gay, is it?)
410. Orcs don't make good bards
411. Just because you have the spell doesn't mean you should cast it
412. Especially in Call of Cthulhu
413. No, your character cannot wear a pirate hat at all times
414. There's no such thing as a lava-fish king. Except in some campaign settings
415. You really should play a sane character sometime
416. Not all campaign settings have dwarven women with beards
417. No, you can't use that hair tonic on a woman's chin
418. Dwarven Defender does not automatically mix well with any other class
419. You don't kill vampires by shoving trees up their rear ends
420. Don't try to convert people in the middle of - oh wait, that one was covered
421. No being an autotheist and trying to grant yourself spells (Though again, covered)
422. Don't cast Harm on the vampire
423. No, your character can't be a Freemason
424. No, this one can't either
425. No, it STILL can't
426. Don't write love-poems to fellow party members.
427. Especially of the same sex
428. Especially if you're not a bard
429. Even if you follow a god of gambling, blowing your money on a bet doesn't count as a tithe
430. Do not ask if key political figures are Awakened
431. Meditating in the middle of the battlefield is bad

Turcano
2006-12-13, 07:09 PM
I remember at least two of the entries on this list:

"The monk's title is not 'The Slap-Happy Jappy.'"

and

"My bard knows more songs than just 'I Saw Your Mommy.'"

Jinnai
2006-12-13, 07:20 PM
But what else is a charisma modifier for?

And yes, I do only play female characters. No, none of them has rubbed an elf chick. One rubbed a male elf, and another rubbed a half-elf chick, but no elf chicks.
I do as well which is why this rule was placed upon me:

343. You may not have your character strip to gain a circumstance bonus in their charisma check.

Krimm_Blackleaf
2006-12-13, 07:20 PM
433: Lingerie is a 'sometimes' armor.

mikeejimbo
2006-12-13, 07:27 PM
I forgot my most important rule!

432: Absolutely no puns. Except on Tuesdays.

They don't like my puns :(

Emperor Tippy
2006-12-13, 07:43 PM
Is it sad that I just went and read all 2000+ of the ebrennon things?

Winged One
2006-12-13, 07:45 PM
433: Puns are only allowed as a verbal component for Blasphemy.

Folie
2006-12-13, 07:45 PM
331. You are not allowed to play a kender, even in DragonLance setting, even if that kender does not have a typical kender personality.
332. You are not allowed to play a kender-like character.
It is my dream to one day play a kender, one who hopes to become the first member of her people to work at one of Krynn's great libraries. :smallbiggrin: But will my dream ever come true? :smallfrown:

Nerd-o-rama
2006-12-13, 08:29 PM
Is it sad that I just went and read all 2000+ of the ebrennon things?
Not as sad as the WotC forum denizens who appear to have turned character ideas from the list into some freakish impromptu freeform PbP game.

If you read the actual thread, the idea makes more sense.

Myatar_Panwar
2006-12-13, 08:39 PM
Someone should totally make this a silly message board game! And on each post you just make one up or maybe it could be relating one to the previous one.

Cheashire
2006-12-13, 09:13 PM
434. Flashing the lonely captain may get me free passage, but it doesn’t mean I should do it
435. “Nibbles” is not a cute name for the hydra trying to eat another player
436. I cannot flank the enemy with an unconscious horse
437. Even if I can turn into a giant swarm of flying things, it does not give me permission to rain poop from the skies onto the BBEG
438. I am not allowed an ‘evidence montage’ a la CSI no matter how good my Track/Decipher/Spot checks are
439. I cannot make my glamoured armor look like a chain mail bikini
440. …or souvenir T-shirts
441. The bluff check for yelling “I AM YOUR FATHER!” at random NPCs is a very high one even with Glibness…especially since I’m female
442. Stealing a holy talisman from an NPC, melting it down, and turning it into a holy symbol for my own god is not good…but it is awesome
443. I’m not allowed to ask the other worldly servant of the oracle about his interior decorator
444. I will not yelled “PWN’D” after critically hitting another PC in the middle of the forehead with soap
445. Just because its male and I’m a bard doesn’t mean I should try to sleep with it
446. I will not use up all my first level spells on Summon Instrument so that our fighter and chuck gongs at random things
447. I should not attempt to Inspire Competence by playing The Pink Panther theme song during Hide checks
448. I will not use the Hat of Disguise to make other party members look like 300lbs women with mullets
449. I will quit making the DM invent descriptions about the NCPs nether regions
450. Just because we killed the really powerful Blackguard before he could do anything does not entitled me to label him my ‘biznatch’
451. The ‘Doom Song’ is probably not appropriate during serious life or death battles
452. The DM does not need to know the back story behind my character’s Use Rope and Escape Artist ranks…especially if it involves half-orcs and lots of oil
453. I will not learned Celestial in order to tell priests from rival churches where they can shove it
454. The BBEG is not a ‘poopiehead’ no matter what he does
455. I will not scream swear words in game right before I try to sneak attack someone
456. I will not consider the possibility of using my intelligent sword as my maid of honor should my character get married
457. I will not use half the party as bait when facing the Tarrasque
458. I will not use Suggestion to try to convince the head priest to dye is robes hot pink
459. I will not hurl the bodies of dead NPCs at random immovable objects just because I’m strong enough to pick them up
460. I will not train my horse to fetch the small PC in the group with its mouth
461. I am no longer allowed to name my familiar ‘Idiot’ and allow it be exposed to mind altering drugs
462. Flicking off the samurai is a challenge of his honor, as is smacking your butt and catcalling him
463. I will not play an environmentalist and then try to justify to the DM why burning down the forest is okay
464. I am not the very model of a major modern general even if I am wearing his pilfered garments
465. “I wasn’t built for this—oh god don’t let me die” really shouldn’t be my battle cry
466. I cannot intimate the giant Taint Elemental by yelling “Boo!!”
467. I cannot tackle the Druid and wrestle her yelling with and Australian accent when she’s transformed into a crocodile
468. A barrel of beer does not double as a refrigerator not matter where you store it
469. Bardic Knowledge will not help me remember what it was I was supposed to ask the oracle after three days of traveling
470. …or tell me who the hell that one random guy in the corner is
471. …or the sexual kinks of the local politicians
472. …or the kinks of their immediate family
473. …or the results of pickling basilisk eyes
474. …or if the guy I’m considering charming has VD
475. …or why the guy who’s trying to kill me is so grumpy
476. …or why the DM now yells “BARDIC KNOWLEDGE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!” before I even have a chance to suggest its use
477. I will not make the Shadowdancer roll a d20 to determine his sexual prowess…though my character SHOULD frickin’ know by now
478. I will not use red and green d6’s, my crazed looking smiley face dice, and the green d4 to build a ‘happy Christmas elf’ as my avatar when using the grid map for battles
479. I am not allowed to be using more than two rings at a time even if I pierce ‘special’ areas of my body
450. The appropriate response to “What does the book say?” during the searching period in dungeons is not “Nothing, it’s in my haversack” even if I was technically the one to find it

RoboticSheeple
2006-12-13, 09:28 PM
True ones about me (varies depending on DM or if I'm DMing)

x1)I am not allowed to play a Druid
x1b)...Even if I promise to not take Natural Spell
x2)I am not allowed to play a Cleric unless it is good
x3)the purpose of playing a Paladin is not trying to find the 'best' way to turn evil
x4)as an assassin I can no longer say "hi" and then just stare at someone for 18 seconds
x5)party members are more than meat shields
x5b)...and distractions
x5c)...and bait
x6)A character named "Faust" will have trouble with Devils
x7)Setting fire to the food supply is not allowed
x7b)...especially when a party member is passed out on top of it
x7c)...even if it would kill 6 zombies
x8)Riding a skeleton horse will get you strange looks
x9)I will not order party members to commit Sepukku
x10)I will not coat the loot in contact poison before letting everyone take their share
x11)I must play a character that will take the -4 for shooting into melee
x12)I will not place arcane marks on other peoples equipment
x12b)...especially not a symbol of Vecna on a LG cleric's full plate
x13)Plan B can not be "I cast invisibility and run away faster the the rest of the party"
x14)I will not dress party members in the skins of fallen enemies
x15)I will not consult only my familiar for advice
x15b) even his Int score is higher than the rest of the party
x16)I may kill any party member that spends more than 1 round talking about defecation or urination
x17)Elfs' have names beyond "Spock" "ears" and "Keebler"
x18)The gruesome death of a party member is never hilarious
x19)nor is placing an invisible wall over a simple pit trap
x20)any trap that relies on an expected fallacy should not be connected to dragons in anyway.
x21)Orcs do not talk like "gangstas"
x22)Bats can not make heal checks
x22b)even if their wisdom modifier is better than the wizard's

That's about all I can think of at this point

Edit:
x23) I will not sell any horse summoned with the Mount Spell
x24) I can not mint my own coins in any way shape or form
x25) Blond-haired blue-eyed Lawful Evil characters that insist on killing every creature the party comes across "Because they aren't human" is not a viable concept in a good-aligned party
x25b) nor is it polite to cast "Discern Bloodlines" to find the most pure humans.

mikeejimbo
2006-12-13, 09:50 PM
I forgot an important one.

503: No breeding outside your race.
504: In fact, no breeding
505: Or seduction because when it comes down to it,you're doing that with the DM...

Viscount Einstrauss
2006-12-13, 09:58 PM
That reminds me, can anyone tell me what a halfling comes from? Are they their own race, or are they, as their name sort of implies, a mixed race?

'Cause I was thinking, if an elf boinked a dwarf, I bet the outcome would look like a halfling.

Everyman
2006-12-14, 12:27 AM
'Cause I was thinking, if an elf boinked a dwarf, I bet the outcome would look like a halfling.

506. I will not refer to the intimacies of a dwarf and elf as "boinking".:smallwink:

mikeejimbo
2006-12-14, 12:34 AM
507. "All your horse are belong to us!" is not a battlecry, even when they did steal your horses.
508. You are never allowed to kill elven women and children again.

reorith
2006-12-14, 03:20 AM
509. i will not attempt to bluff the golem.
510. i will not make a character based off of the dm's little sister

Kiroho
2006-12-14, 08:53 AM
511. I will not base any character off of the DM
512. especially if using an undead or troll template
513. or any kind of fae

Sesquedoodle
2006-12-14, 02:59 PM
514. I am no longer allowed to sing the "You Are A Pirate" song from Lazytown.
515. In fact, just because I am playing a bard does not entitle me to sing.
516. Not allowed to put the lime in the coke-you-nut and put them both together, put the lime in the coke-you-nut and drink it all up.
517. Not allowed to mention the fernary incident.
518. Not allowed to sit in Marcus's chair.
519. I am not allowed to make fun of the communist hat.
520. Nobody is allowed to stick thier toes in their nose.
521. Nor is anybody allowed to stick anyone ELSE'S toes in their nose.
522. No making other players do yoga for the purpose of taking photographs.

All of these are true.

Grey Knight
2006-12-14, 03:46 PM
514. I am no longer allowed to sing the "You Are A Pirate" song from Lazytown.

Or any references to that terrifying program, for that matter. :smalleek:

523: Just because you're playing a thespian bard partnered with some rogues in an attempt to hunt down some flying rodents, does not entitle you to make up a play entitled "Bat, Man, and Robbing".

Shadow of the Sun
2006-12-14, 06:58 PM
524: I am no longer allowed to make a bard called Yngwie with the battlecry "You've unleashed the ****ing fury!"
525: When I am with my parties rogue in a place we shouldn't be, I am not allowed to sing Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell
525: Even though my cleric worships Thor, I am not allowed to take the Perform skill and sing Viking Metal. Constantly
526: When another PC dies, I am not allowed to sing Heres to Life by Streetlight Manifesto
527: When my bard is helping my cleric, I am not allowed to play For the Love of God by Steve Vai

As you can tell, I am a very VERY music centric person

Jinnai
2006-12-14, 09:19 PM
Few more i forgot:

528: I am not allowed to cast spider climb + shrink to climb all over other party member.
529: ...or female npcs.
530: Because of #528 I am not allowed to play a Wizard/Sorceror ever again.
531: We are no longer allowed to say "the internet is for porn" at any referance to sexual actions/inuendo at our meetings to keep people from spontaniously singing the refered song.
532: I can no longer casually read a newspaper in a WoD game for info without risking being attacked for a botch....from the newspaper.

Rolaran
2006-12-14, 09:34 PM
533. The bard's Hold Person spell may not contain the phrase. "Stop! In the name of love"
534. Portals to the Elemental Plane of Fire are found on walls, in doorways, and occasionally floating in midair. You may not create one on the floor, disguise it with a Persian rug, and attempt to lure the BBEG onto it.
535. Not allowed to create any kind of illusion image with the express purpose of seducing someone.
536. Gnomes do not have Profession (Tour Guide).
537. My monk may not greet any warforged with the phrase "Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto"
538. A chicken is not a proper familiar or animal companion.
539. A chicken is not a mount of any kind.
540. Casting "Resurrection" on the moosehead hanging on the tavern wall- no.
541. Casting "Resurrection" on the owl feather in the ranger's cap- no.
542. Casting "Resurrection" on the BBEG's dragon-scale armor- Dear lord no.
543. Casting "Resurrection" on anything that was not, in life, a party member is now expressly forbidden.
544. No, we have never had a moose as a party member.

CrazyEmp
2006-12-15, 01:56 AM
...... *dies* I cant believe how funny these are..... I registered just to say, you are all WAY messed up.... and i'm lovin' it ^_^

Zeb The Troll
2006-12-15, 04:14 AM
545. I am not allowed to store anything in "nature's pocket".

Destro_Yersul
2006-12-15, 04:35 AM
546: I am not allowed to burn before pillaging
547: there is no such thing as perform: (hammertime)
548: Polymorph is not meant to be an offensive spell
549: animate object is not to be cast on the rug the BBEG is standing on
550: Shouting WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! whenever you meet a giant is not allowed

paigeoliver
2006-12-15, 05:19 AM
Halflings are their own race. They used to be Hobbits, they used to even be CALLED hobbits (back in the mid 70s), but then they changed the name to halfling (late 70s), but they were still basically Tolkien Hobbits and stayed that way for over 20 years.

Then in 3rd edition they made them skinny and kind of mixed their culture up a bit with Kender and Gypsies.

In my world Elves are actually the result of a crossbreed between halflings and pixiefaeries.


That reminds me, can anyone tell me what a halfling comes from? Are they their own race, or are they, as their name sort of implies, a mixed race?

'Cause I was thinking, if an elf boinked a dwarf, I bet the outcome would look like a halfling.

Destro_Yersul
2006-12-15, 05:46 AM
I thought of another one!
551: I'm not allowed to play a Paladin named "Leeroy Jenkins" for any reason

Shikton
2006-12-15, 07:35 AM
552: I am not allowed to use torches as weapons in small rooms crammed with flammable objects ever again.

olaf
2006-12-15, 08:14 AM
Not for me, but for one of my players:

553. He is not allowed to play a halfling thief-with-a-heart-of-gold named David Hasselhoff.
554. Said halfling thief cannot have a dancing pet monkey.
555. Said halfling theif cannot contract gnomes to build a Mecha-Terrasque

DarkLightDragon
2006-12-15, 08:15 AM
556: I am not allowed to use Knowledge(Nature) checks to get climb bonuses for natural walls.

cupkeyk
2006-12-15, 08:26 AM
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.

We do this in front of our DM, my friend and I converse in spanish so the DM can't understand what we are talking about and meta against it. He doesn't mind.

Hivemind Ghost
2006-12-15, 08:47 AM
557. I am not allowed to take negative levels in a class because of my races level adjustment and the starting level of the campaign.
558. Polearm-Chucks do not exist. I should stop tying Guisarmes to Glaives.
559. It can not be house-ruled that Heironeous' favoured weapon is said Polearm-Chucks.
560. No matter how good a backstory I have, I cannot create a character for the level twelve campaign who's a Hobgoblin with one level in every base-class.
561. I cannot play a two-thirds Elf.
562. The next time I roll a character with no score above six, I will reroll.

Shadow of the Sun
2006-12-15, 09:41 AM
563: I cannot play an evil gnome with massive eyebrows and INT as his dump stat called John Howard

ghost_warlock
2006-12-15, 10:49 AM
(the numbers have been off for a while)

569. "Your Mother" is not an appropriate name for a character.
570. ...neither is anything Bart Simpson has used for a prank phone call.
571. My male wizard is not allowed to use polymorph to experience giving birth.
572. Having more tentacles does not make a creature a superior PC-race
573. Gold dragons are not "walking urinals"
574. The material component for dominate person is not "leather, whips, and chains."
575. Munchkin cards are not to be used the influence the DM
576. ...nor are they appropriate sources of inspiration for magic item creation
577. Taunting lycanthropes into attacking for the sole purpose of being infected is not allowed.
578. Other PCs are not to be referred to as "my familiar"
579. ...especially when your character is a druid.
580. Wielding a scimitar enchanted with the speed quality no longer means you automatically win Initiative.
581. There are no gully dwarves in Eberron.
582. An arachno-penguin is not a real monster, nor is it a CR 18 encounter.
583. Chicken McNuggets should not cause an "evilgasm"
584. Pixie characters are not allowed to be named after archfiends, especially Orcus the demon prince of the undead.
585. "Out of" is not an appropriate alignment.
586. "Bensvelk zara" is not Draconic for "nice ass," no matter what the Draconomicon says
587. Taking ranks in Craft (multiverse) is not allowed to speed the character's advancement to godhood
588. Despite The Fifth Element, character race cannot be listed as "Meat Popsickle"
589. The other PCs are not "annoying filler"

The_Werebear
2006-12-15, 11:05 AM
590. Fire is not the only solution to any problem.
591. Blasting powder is not the other solution to any problem.
592. I am not allowed to set the fuses on the C4 ever again.
593. I am not allowed to drive ambulances any more.
594. Sedatives are not to be used on party members.
595. There are no such things as +1 Throwing Gnomes.
596. Even if the Giant brainwashes a pair of gnomes into thinking they are.
597. Just because the wizard wears a dress doesn't mean he is necessarily a transvestite.
598. There is no such weapon as a Dwarven Wrecking Ball. Even if there was, my character would not have proficency with it.
599. I am not allowed to speak for my party.
600. I am not allowed to raise an army of undead in the sewers, especially if I am playing a paladin.

Kesnit
2006-12-15, 11:11 AM
(the numbers have been off for a while)

578. Other PCs are not to be referred to as "my familiar"


I've done that before (by accident). I had been playing Neverwinter Nights, then went to my D&D game. Where I referred to the Cleric as "my henchie."

Viscount Einstrauss
2006-12-15, 11:12 AM
601. You are not allowed to use the Leadership feat ever again.
602. You are especially not allowed to construct an army with the Leadership feat to kill the BBEG with wave after wave of peasants in any non-army campaign.
603. Just because another party member is carrying a powder keg or alchemist's fire doesn't mean you can use them as an unwitting walking bomb in combat.

Meschaelene
2006-12-15, 12:36 PM
604. Perform (pornography) is not an "in-class" skill for all gnomes.
605. The above skill shall not be the basis for my bardic abilities and spells, depite the existence of a variety of verbal, somatic, and, occasionally, material components.
606. I will not stop, mid-firefight in an assault on an Arasaka Security base, to do an ad spot into the security cams for "Thor-Buzz Cola".
607. If I ever make a character with a severe aversion to boarding any vehicle that they cannot themselves drive, I will ensure that I take more vehicle skills than "Pilot: Dirigible".
608. While it is permissible for me to have a Giant Purple Sabretooth Tiger named "Prince" as a pet, I must be willing to accept that it will soon become "The Dead Tiger formerly known as Prince".
609. When planning an elaborate assassination mission that involves starting a fire, stealing a fire truck, and disguising the group as firemen and thereby gaining access to the target, I will ensure that SOMEBODY actually put some points into driving before setting the plan into effect.
610. I will not base my cleric's personality on Stalinist interrogators.
611. I will not inform the fate witch that it was just pillow talk.
612. "Living Weapon" is not an adequate role-playing hook.
613. "Porn film crew, adrift at sea" never works...
614. I will be more lenient on charges, courts martial, and executions of sentence on PCs who are insubordinate to my character, who is in command of a military unit.
615. I will not declare another PC to be a rival or nemesis, even if that does allow me to spring that xp award every session.
616. I will not declare another PC to be a rival or nemesis, even just for giggles.
617. I will not create a PC who screams out the names of his martial maneuvers such as "Bite of Hungry Hungry Hippo!" and "Monkey-Feces Fling!"
618. I will not create an identical twin of another PC. Ever.

Nahal
2006-12-15, 02:39 PM
619) I am not allowed to have explosives EVER AGAIN. NOT EVER. NO.
619a) I will not demolish the epic-level BBEG's temple, with him and all his followers inside, killing them all, while we are around level 10.
619b) I will not set off explosives inside the ear canals of colossal monsters.
620) I will not laugh hysterically when I kill off villains within 5 minutes of meeting them (see #619).
620) I will not mock the GM when he rolls horribly against me. Again. I will most certainly not make my character dance a jig.
621) Wishing other PC's out of existence is in extremely poor taste and only reserved for truly persistent and talented idiots.
622) Time travel is a bad idea.
623) Beagles are not throwing weapons.
624) The party druid is never allowed to cast spells again.
625) Punting high-level awakened squirrel druids is ill-advised.
626) Massive, genocidal, ancient computers will not be referred to as Hactar or Cthulhu.
627) We are not allowed to become the "Knights of Cthulhu" in any setting. Especially not Traveller T20.

Sesquedoodle
2006-12-15, 02:50 PM
615. "Kiss my ***" dance=bad idea.
(No, this one was not me. Even if I am the bard.)

warbacon
2006-12-15, 02:57 PM
(These are from the same campaigns as Nahal)

629) I should not open a pathway to free the Grandfather of the Ancients from the center of the universe.
630) I will not forget about my character's love interest and leave her to be ill-treated by a crazy doctor.
631) When setting a timer for my ship to be released from the dock, I will leave enough time for me to get to my ship.
632) I am not allowed to be the last of my race ever again, because I have a tendency to not save the universe.
633) I am not allowed to brand other player characters while they are sleeping. Especially not with my name. Backwards. So they can see it in a mirror.
634) Leaving angry former player characters with plot-significant peaceniks is not a good idea.

:edit:
Oh my, I forgot the worst one:
635) I will never, absolutely never, allow the insane idiot character with no ranks in any art skills at all paint on the Wall of Creation.

Zeal
2006-12-15, 03:29 PM
...please stop, laughing this much with bruised ribs is torture...

Torger
2006-12-15, 04:39 PM
Ooh, ooh, my turn!

387. It's never peanut butter jelly time. Ever.

Oh God... I almost died laughing form that one...

woc33
2006-12-15, 04:41 PM
636) i am not allowed to have a rhino animal companion.
637) if i do get one i must never forget that he is not allowed to walk in hallways and stairs.
638) i am not allowed to costumize my characters, they tend to do WAY too much damage (compared to the party's wizard who does barely half, even if im a druid, a rogue or a bard).
639) as a result of the previous, i'm not allowed to play a druid, EVER again.
640) i am not allowed to play a prankster with a ring of invisibility.
641) i should never forget that even though im the only mastermind in the group, i cant speak while wildshaped.
642) even if its my last wildshape for that day.
643) and the rest of the group is trying to sell my animal companion.
644) i am not allowed to buy a magic item with a continuous or use activated cure light wounds.
645) or mage armor.
646) or enlarge person.
647) or any other level 1 spell.
648) actually, im no longer allowed to create magic items, or even suggest them.

Mauril Everleaf
2006-12-15, 05:31 PM
649) my dwarf is never allowed to puke in the well. again.
650) the mage is not allowed to cast light on objects and sell them to villagers
651) im not allowed to take more than 2 points in Craft(disturbing mental image)
652) just because the bbeg is male and so are his henchmen, that does not mean that he is gay
653) nor does it mean that he is lonely, and in need of female companionship
654) when not bathing, all characters must wear some sort of clothing
655)....especially the dwarf
656)....with 8 charisma
657) no player is allowed to take a musical instrument as a weapon proficiency
658)....even if you are a bard
659) crossbows are not melee weapons
660) you can not use an arrow in each hand in melee
661) i cannot give my non-magical weapons their own names
662) nor can i pretend that they are sentient
663) nor can i convince the rest of the party that they are either
664) when failing a diplomacy check to lower prices at a store, i cannot shout "up yours you uppity bald virgin!" ever again
665) even if its in another language
666) <umm, skipping this one>
667) just because i saw it in the movies does not mean that it is a possible martial arts maneuver
668) especially against a dragon
669) war cries cannot involve the words "remember the alamo" or "damn the torpedoes"
670) beer and cookies do not mix
671) getting drunk before a battle is not "my strategy"
672) laying dead pcs on random altars in dungeons is a bad idea
673) urinating on them is also unwise
674) when the dm asks for a die, give it to him nicely, and dont demand XP
675) dont complain when the dm awards fractions of XP (i was stuck 3/8ths of a point from leveling for forever!)
676) the enlarge spell spell affects the whole body, not just parts
677) "gnome punting" is not the national sport of my country
678) just because the dwarf can headbutt the ogre in the groin, doesnt mean he should
679) i cannot take ranks in profession(beer pong master)
680) higher AC on female charaters does not make them more scantily clad, regardless of what the pictures show
681) when the random encounter says "herd animals" i cannot try and domesticate them
682) im not allowed to forget which bag of holding we put the vampire in again
683) necklaces made from the teeth of my slain enemies do not make good gifts for female pcs
684) critical hits do not always mean that i "hit him in the eye"
685) or in the groin
686) i cannot make "called shot:spleen"

Arn!e
2006-12-15, 05:32 PM
Another "I registered just because of this thread" newbie here.


Few more i forgot:
531: We are no longer allowed to say "the internet is for porn" at any referance to sexual actions/inuendo at our meetings to keep people from spontaniously singing the refered song.

I've had to stop my cleric's 'For TORM!' battlecry because everytime I used it, the party started singing "The Internet is...for Torm!"

687) "Snatch Weapon" is feat that allows a PC to grab weapons. It is not a natural attack.

Shadow of the Sun
2006-12-15, 06:01 PM
688: My cleric is not allowed to have sexual relations with anyone. Even if I say it was in character.

Edo
2006-12-15, 06:31 PM
689. Perform (slam dance) does not grant a +2 synergy bonus to unarmed attacks. Not even if you have 5 or more ranks of it.
690. Power Word Convert is not a spell, and especially not a cleric spell.

Others will be forthcoming.

mikeejimbo
2006-12-15, 06:37 PM
690. Power Word Convert is not a spell, and especially not a cleric spell.


It should be! Can we research that?

Neon Knight
2006-12-15, 07:52 PM
691. I cannot summon demons with the express purpose of challenging it to a rock-off.
692. When attempting to convince the BBEG to tell me the source of his power, I am not allowed to phrase the question as "WONDERBOY! What is the secret of your power?" Even if the villian's name is Wonderboy.
693. I cannot convince a demon to form a death metal band with me, even if I'm evil.
694. All bodyparts of slain enemies must be accounted for at the end of each battle.
695. Sacrificing party members is never the answer.
696. Demons cannot be defeated by either the fiddle or the guitar. No matter how hard you rock.
697. There is no demon code that says they must accept rock off challenges.

Kamakazee_Gnome
2006-12-15, 08:20 PM
698. No area nukes in town, ever.
699. Not even Holy Smite. In fact, ESPECIALLY not Holy Smite
700. Even if there are Throwing Gnomes, they aren't a playable race.
701. Nor ar barroom gnomes.
702. No clerics of love, lust, beauty, fertility, or any such thing.
703. Above rule doubled for Paladins.
704. All variants of Everad's Black Tentacles are banned.
705. Double for Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion
706. Must be within one allignment step of someone else in the party.
707. No warcraft orcs. Even in Rifts.
708. My druids are forever banned from lighting anything but an enemy on fire.
709. The scimitar is a banned weapon for all drow. Make that all elves.
710. Sorcerers should not wield greatswords.

Cocktail Umbrellas
2006-12-15, 08:26 PM
711. I am not allowed to name my long lost cousin after myself with an alternate starting consonant if I am in an elaborate scheme to protect myself from being hunted down by the authorities.
712. I will not sing 'whatever lola wants, lola gets' when trying to listen in on a conversation covertly.
713. I will not go running around town pantsless by accident.
714. On Mount Celestia, I will refrain from commenting about the snakes on the plane.
715. I will not bring the orc into the mortuary disguised as a dwarf in a papier machier umber hulk mask.
716. I will not 'consider' the zombie ever. Again.
717. I will not steal in front of the mercykiller paladin party member. Again.
718. I am not allowed to convince the xaositects to knock out the mercykiller paladin for the purpose of dressing him in a cow suit.
719. I will not ride the blind Leonal, particularly if I forget to mention cliffs.
720. There is no weapon proficiency in Doors.
721. I am not allowed to use dragon fear to make villagers buy coffee.
722. Summon Cabinet is not an offensive spell.

Magnus_Samma
2006-12-15, 09:10 PM
723: It is not appropriate to cast "Light" on a party member's pants. Especially the female party members. Especially the female palladin.
724: Do not heal the monster.
725: No female npcs should ever be presented as being anything like attractive to any species that is represented in the main party.
726: Liches are not allowed to wear thongs.

Winged One
2006-12-15, 09:12 PM
726: Liches are not allowed to wear thongs.

I somehow did a spit-take without a drink in my mouth.

Cocktail Umbrellas
2006-12-15, 09:29 PM
723: It is not appropriate to cast "Light" on a party member's pants.

That happened in my campaign too... Nothing like using the shy priest's crotch as the only light source in a dark place :smallbiggrin:

"Hey, can you thrust over there?"
"Here, let me just... take off my pants...or-"
"No, no, no, thrusting will do."

McDeath
2006-12-16, 12:46 AM
727 - I am not the Treasury Inspector.
728 - I may not clone myself, for any reason, ever.
729 - The Tarrasque cannot be summoned.

amanodel
2006-12-16, 08:17 AM
696. Demons cannot be defeated by either the fiddle or the guitar. No matter how hard you rock.

730. For the same reason, I'm not allowed to play the song "the devil went down to (insertplacewherethepartyis)", especially not as a bard's inspire courage ability, even tough I may have maxed my rank perform: fiddle.

DaMullet
2006-12-16, 02:09 PM
731) "Taking off and nuking the site from orbit" is NOT the only way to be sure
732) I am not allowed to buy 50,000 fishhooks, sheets of paper, quill pens, signet rings, or sewing needles, just because they have a negligible weight.
733) The same goes for any ship or mount whose weight isn't listed in the PHB.

EddieBird
2006-12-16, 03:43 PM
Its sad how many of these I have allowed or would allow when DMing.

DaMullet
2006-12-16, 04:12 PM
Its sad how many of these I have allowed or would allow when DMing.
Yep... Of course, I'd allow a lot of them because they're completely absolutely rediculous, and would have humorous consequences.

mikeejimbo
2006-12-16, 04:19 PM
734. Pokemon may not be mentioned, spoken of as "that which shall not be named"

Zeb The Troll
2006-12-16, 05:13 PM
Its sad how many of these I have allowed or would allow when DMing.
I agree. A lot of this is just being smart about overcoming an obstacle. Filling a pit trap with mud from the ceiling? Ingenious! By all means, do that. :smallcool:

I don't know if this is house ruled or not, but my GM actually has a rule for what happens when you make a Wish that can't be granted (i.e. I wish you wouldn't grant this wish). Basically, the gods get peeved and hunt you down personally.

Mike_G
2006-12-16, 05:54 PM
1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.

I once played a Bard based on The Who's Pete Townshend. I would do windmills on my lute and smash it after a good performance.

I carried a lot of lutes.

The DM rolled her eyes a lot.

JimmyDPawn
2006-12-16, 06:22 PM
I once played a Bard based on The Who's Pete Townshend. I would do windmills on my lute and smash it after a good performance.

I carried a lot of lutes.

The DM rolled her eyes a lot.

Carry lutes?

Two words; Summon Instument.

DaMullet
2006-12-16, 06:25 PM
Ah... The good old days... I used to take Weapon Proficiency: Lute/Guitar/Fiddle (whichever I felt like) and use that as a Summon Weapon spell.

El Kabong!

RandomNPC
2006-12-16, 06:43 PM
735: I will not run around and pretend to be on fire when it's my turn to wake everyone up, especially if we stay at a large inn.

Subotei
2006-12-16, 07:05 PM
736: Elven Wizard's do not brandish severed Gnoll Heads.
737: Or take Craft: Skull-cup at the next level-up.

Krimm_Blackleaf
2006-12-16, 08:19 PM
738: I am not allowed to roll randomly when it comes to my next action in a town. Especially when the die results are as follows;
1-18: Blast the Inn.
19: Kill the party.
20: Wait until the party is in the Inn and blast it.
739: I will not name my animal companion/familiar "Fodder".
740: When negotiating with the powerful illithid lord make sure when he's found out you're going to betray him not to break the window with the gnome and jump out from 5 stories while the rest of your party is left to fight him.
741: Santa Clause is NOT on the Summon Monster X list.

mikeejimbo
2006-12-16, 11:43 PM
The DM rolled her eyes a lot.

Her? As in a female?

:thog: keep pretty girls away from thog!

Mike_G
2006-12-17, 12:01 AM
Her? As in a female?

:thog: keep pretty girls away from thog!

Yeah.

Some girls do play.

Married me one.

EddieBird
2006-12-17, 12:07 AM
I D.M. and I'm female.

mikeejimbo
2006-12-17, 12:31 AM
I gotta meet me one of them.

Lilivati
2006-12-17, 02:28 AM
Female DMs FTW! :D

And: "You may not touch that lever that everyone knows will kill us all just because it's shiny"

Jade_Tarem
2006-12-17, 02:33 AM
742: Even if I can justify an LA of zero, it is understood that I will not be teleporting anywhere as a lantern archon until level 15.
743: Not allowed to buy, carry, sell, possess, or receive as a gift any weapon manufactured by gnomes.
744: Not allowed to construct and use a rail gun no matter how much I put into the relevant skills.
745: I am not permitted to design a heavier-than-air airship even if I have levels in both bard and loremaster and max ranks in the relevant engineering skills.
746: I am also not permitted to use the VoP monk's starting gold to actually commission said vehicle.
747: I am not to allow the wizard to polymorph me into a banzai bush so that my gargantuan treant can follow the party.
748: Not permitted to "zing" the BBEG during his monologue.
749: Not permitted to start casting AoE's during box text.
750: Not permitted to have an animal companion of any form named "Big Jim."
751: Krackens and confined spaces do not mix.
752: Not allowed to staple a note reading: "Sorry - The Gnomes" to any part of anything.
752a: Especially if it's bleeding...
752b: or on fire...
752c: or both.
753: May not play an initiate of the sevenfold veil and make the rogue irrelevant by laughing off every trap in the dungeon.
754: May not remind the DM that a fight involving multiple aleaxs is totally lame. Especially when the fight is over in one round with no aleax left alive.
755: May not ever again play a ghost with a hammer.
756: May not ever again play a wu jen/air savant for the purposes of becoming an intelligent colossal tornado with blue fireballs for eyes.
757: While not expressly forbidden, arrows of healing are considered a bad idea.
758: Even if I am humming the Indiana Jones theme song, a 1 on the use rope check is a 1 on the use rope check.
759: Despite the ambiguous wording in the Races of Stone book, not all gnomes are easy.
760: Retroactive killing, even if sanctioned by the rules, is forbidden.
761: Not permitted to utilize a wish, miracle, or reality revision if my character is a dragon.
762: That goes double for a half celestial phoera.
763: When everyone but the paladin can remember what the paladin did last night, it is not my patriotic duty to inform him. In detail.
764: May not call pun-pun a lame poser to his face.
765: And behind his back isn't exactly a sure bet, either.
766: Not allowed to speak in a satanic voice unless the character warrants it.
767: "Whoops" is not sufficient apology for trapping the healer in a room with 600 goblins and one balor.
768: May not make a character based on Saemon Havarian from BGII, it makes the other players nervous...
769: A restaining order is not sufficient to keep the BBEG from the objective we're supposed to be protecting.
770: Stealing cities is considered bad form.
771: ... as is questioning the flammability of the palace while in the audience of the king.
772: No longer permitted to carry fire or anything capable of starting one into a bar.
773: A belt of dwarvenkind's effects are magical, not an artifact of being "too snug."
774: May not employ the spell Knock with any respect to female attire. This also goes for size altering spells.
775: It doesn't matter what the intelligence of the character is, a greataxe is not a healing wand.
776: No longer allowed to burst out laughing when I see the prison we're being taken to.
777: The elf is not going to drop the soap no matter what the disarm check was.
778: No longer allowed to claim that the frigid, snide female character has an antilife shell around her.
779: Trebuchets and clerics do not mix.
780: Riding an escaping, dying, ten-headed winged demon into the depths of hell is not considered an "exit strategy."
781: May not ever pose a question to a deity involving the word "virginity."

The Orange Zergling
2006-12-17, 03:52 AM
I thought of another one!
551: I'm not allowed to play a Paladin named "Leeroy Jenkins" for any reason


LOL!

'nuff said. :smallcool:

broderickdruce
2006-12-17, 04:04 AM
723: It is not appropriate to cast "Light" on a party member's pants


I did something similar, it was to a flying, invisible enemys pants... I think my DM's head exploded when i did it.

782: Familiars are not to be used to turn touch spells into ranged touch spells.
782b: Espcially when said familiar only has 5 ft movent
782c: and must get past enemy lines.
783: Weapon Proficiency - Familiar does not exist
784: "I must go now, my home plane needs me" is not to be said when plainshifting during a life or death struggle.
785: Just because the Barbarian has a high Int does not mean he should take levels in Wizard.
785b: If he does he is not allowed a hamster Familiar named Boo.

Sesquedoodle
2006-12-17, 06:09 AM
786 a. Peeing on the wall is not an appropriate way to solve the puzzle.
786 b. It usually works, though.

(We were trapped in a place where the corridors had changed, preventing us from getting out. We'd figured out that there was a part of the wall that was a bit... strange, and we reckoned it was our way out. We couldn't think how to get through it, though, and what happened was tha we made the assassin run into it several times to see if he went through. After a while of this, the assassin decided to pee on the wall.
It didn't melt the wall or anything, but we did figure out shortly afterwards that there was a crack at the bottom of the wall that we could lever upwards so that we could lift the wall up. We insisted on using some of the cleric's holy water to wash our hands after that.)

Bosh
2006-12-17, 07:48 AM
787. I am not allowed to spend all of the party's funds on a pony. It doesn't matter if the ribbons are included for free.
788. Setting wolves on fire in an urban setting seldom improves matters.
789. I am not allowed to eat portable holes.
790. I am not allowed to base PCs off of gummi bear characters.
791. I am not allowed to use my warhammar as a golf club.
792. It is unlikely that hitting a large stove with a hammer in hopes that it will fly through the air and hit a nearby werewolf will have any positive effects.
793. I am not allowed to suggest that the party wizard cast a fire ball centered on me to kill off the invisible critters that are attacking me.
793a. Especially when I have 12 HPs, no evasion and a reflex save bonus of 4.
794. I am not allowed to made a front-line meleer with under eight points of con.
795. I am not allowed to charge the enemy army singlehandedly at 4th level.
795a. Even if I'm wearing plate mail.
796. However good it may be to take the enemy from behind, charging through a formation of orcs is not an effective way of doing this.
797. I am not allowed to use my hat of disguise solely to appear to be thematically-appropriate action movie actors.

DaMullet
2006-12-17, 02:38 PM
798) Explosive Runes is not to be cast on the cheque used to pay the rude merchant.
799) Explosive Runes is not to be cast on the letter to the king sent to demand payment.
800) Explosive Runes Is not to be cast.

Nahal
2006-12-17, 03:23 PM
738: I am not allowed to roll randomly when it comes to my next action in a town. Especially when the die results are as follows;
1-18: Blast the Inn.
19: Kill the party.
20: Wait until the party is in the Inn and blast it.

I had something like this once. We got really frustrated with the campaign and I made my character an "insanity chart" where I'd randomly roll if we got frustrated, lost, or something bizarre happened. Once it solved a puzzle. I'm not even kidding; I rolled to randomly fireball something and the damage woke me from the dream we'd been forced into.

Also
801) I am not allowed to cast magic missile on plot devices. It invariably causes more problems than it solves. (One time it killed an entire city.)
802) I am never to encourage another PC to cast dispel magic on or near a plot device (the resulting shockwave damaged or removed ALL magic in the campaign setting).
803) "I disbelieve" is not a solution to every puzzle (though it did solve a couple...). It is impolite to do this every time something doesn't make sense.

warbacon
2006-12-17, 04:33 PM
802) I am never to encourage another PC to cast dispel magic on or near a plot device (the resulting shockwave damaged or removed ALL magic in the campaign setting).

Oh lord ... I remember that game ....

What sucked was that I was a shape-shifting intelligent magic item at the time, and that dispel magic (which ended up with a caster level of 2000 or so) kinda broke me for a long time.

Howabout these? (All from the same campaign, mind you)

803) It is generally unwise to allow the murderous bunnies who worship you as their god to tie up a high-level, good NPC and attempt to sacrifice him in your name.
803a) It is doubly unwise to undo his gag to allow him some final words.
803b) Especially when those final words are Power Word: Kill.
804) I will not tell Nahal to repeatedly cast fire spells at my back just because I think I might have wings.
805) Never again will I let the batcrap insane Master of the Sevenfold Veil out of my sight with powerful artifacts of creation.

there are lots more ... the god of liches, everything and anything with a character that Louis played, anything and everything to do with Snitch...

mixmastermind
2006-12-17, 05:54 PM
806) I am not allowed to use Gnomes as a bludgeoning weapon.
807) I am not allowed to use any external bodily Organ of my own as a bludgeoning weapon, excluding hands/feet. You guys know what I'm talkin' about.

Shadow of the Sun
2006-12-17, 07:48 PM
I may have posted this before, but I think it didn't show up, so

(Insert appropriate number here): I am not allowed to make an evil gnome with massive eyebrows called John Howard and use INT as his dump stat

Nahal
2006-12-17, 09:33 PM
What about John Edward?

Edo
2006-12-18, 12:10 AM
809. No new golem types are to be invented from bodily fluids.
810. While the paladin is using the bathroom, it is inappropriate to make jokes about holy water.
811. All future clerics are henceforth banned from selecting as their patron deity the Great Polyhedra in the Sky, even if it is their sincere belief that the Great Polyhedra in the Sky determine the nature, qualities and destiny of everything in existence.

More will be forthcoming.

Jade_Tarem
2006-12-18, 03:29 AM
812: Magic Missile is not permitted in accuracy competitions.
813: No longer allowed to analyze the BBEG's cryptic message and figure out that he's "got nothing."
814: No longer allowed to give instructions to the gnome assassin.
815: No longer allowed to point out that, by the DM's logic, burning = stealing.
816: No longer allowed to utilize custom traps as a PC.
817: Not allowed to start singing "shake your bon-bon" when the irresistable dance spell is cast.
818: It is generally assumed that I will not be committing additional crimes during my arraignment hearing for previous crimes.
819: When I play the healbot, it is to be assumed that I will be doing more healing than flamestriking.
820: No longer allowed to say "We grab the plot-hook and swim for dear life."
821: I am no longer allowed to make cracks about the shapeshifter being all the villiage people at once.
822: When the term "loan shark" is used, it is assumed that it is in an economic context.
823: Not permitted to do anything I saw on 8-Bit Theater.
824: I am not the fury.
825: When I recieve a mission from the gods, the correct response is not: "I'll put it on my to-do list."
826: Not permitted to do anything that may collapse the black market.
827: There is no justification for a half-celestial succubus.
828: May not seak out a Major Geas as a form of life insurance.
829: May not go back in time once I realize that the original drow leaders just needed a hug.
830: No longer allowed to use bluff checks while cooking.
831: No longer allowed to base a character off of any Iron Chef.

Kesnit
2006-12-18, 08:02 AM
827: There is no justification for a half-celestial succubus.


Sadly, I can think of one... It involves demons invading the Celestrial realms, but I can see it happening.

Khantalas
2006-12-18, 08:12 AM
832) In no way is my cleric character allowed to worship any of the following: pi, golden ratio, Planck constant, C-U-T-A-G, FTC, etc.
833) Servant of the Fallen is not a valid explanation for such worship.
834a) I am not allowed to re-name my character as one of those should s/he ascend to divinity.
834b) No, not even then.

Archonic Energy
2006-12-18, 10:06 AM
835) i may not call a warforged bard "Jukebox"
836) neither can i call it "I Pod"
837) it doesn't play an electric lute
838) neither does it have a built in amp.
839) my Warforged Paladin's warcry is not "For the Greater Good"
840) my Warforged Cleric's holy symbol is not the windows logo
841) Neither is it the Apple logo
842) and its Diety is not "Mr Gates"
843) or Doctor light
844) i may not name a warforged fighter "Megaman"
845) Or "Rock"
846) or even "X"
847) and the built in crossbow is not an "X-Blaster"
848) Drow hand crossbows do not come in "repeting style"
849) any mention of Cadderly's Oil bolts will be dealt with by a sundering barbarian
850) the backup lockpick is not the barbarians warhammer
851) and even if it is it will not be refered to it as "the master key"
852) my Dwarf with knoledge (ore) can not find Uranium 232

Druid_lord
2006-12-18, 03:39 PM
853) I am NEVER AGAIN allowed to modify a crossbow to specifically fire babies EVER! True story. It actually wasn't that weak when i tied spikes to the thier heads.

reorith
2006-12-18, 03:43 PM
854) i am not allowed to cast animate dead on a stillborn
855) perform(mooning) is not class for my paladin
855.5 i am not allowed to make 1d10sp perday with an "enjoyable performance"

Mauril Everleaf
2006-12-18, 03:51 PM
856) when the dm refers to structures made by a celtic-type society, do not snicker when he calls them "erections"
857) do not spend the next hour make innuendo jokes till he turns red
858) especially if the girl he likes is in the room

Grey Knight
2006-12-19, 08:19 AM
I agree. A lot of this is just being smart about overcoming an obstacle. Filling a pit trap with mud from the ceiling? Ingenious! By all means, do that. :smallcool:

I don't know if this is house ruled or not, but my GM actually has a rule for what happens when you make a Wish that can't be granted (i.e. I wish you wouldn't grant this wish). Basically, the gods get peeved and hunt you down personally.

That's more of a miracle situation, though? Unless your setting has a specific God Of Wishes who handles wish requests, I guess. I'm interested; is there a specifically-designed divine minion for hunting down wish-abusers, or a regular monster? Or the deity itself?

Malachite
2006-12-19, 10:59 AM
Sadly, I can think of one... It involves demons invading the Celestrial realms, but I can see it happening.

Or less violently: that succubus paladin they put up on the WotC boards and the angel she loved getting it on. Pointless combo though - you take an extra +4 ECL for a few good abilities, and the rest you already have. I'd knock it down to +2 ECL if someone wanted to play one of these (even then it's +8 ECL overall), and I'd only allow it to be played if I thought someone could pull it off.

Rumda
2006-12-19, 11:05 AM
That's more of a miracle situation, though? Unless your setting has a specific God Of Wishes who handles wish requests, I guess. I'm interested; is there a specifically-designed divine minion for hunting down wish-abusers, or a regular monster? Or the deity itself?
wouldn't it be a sort of inevitable?

Grey Knight
2006-12-19, 04:33 PM
wouldn't it be a sort of inevitable?

Good point, that would make sense. I don't think the kolyarut, marut, or zelekhut seem suitable; are there any more in expansion books that would take on this sort of thing? If not, does anyone have a homebrew idea? If not, I might have a little poke at that.

amanodel
2006-12-19, 07:26 PM
There is such a creature. It's called Solar angel :)

859 (?). Solar angels are not a tool for the DM for railroading the plot for a low-level party. Neither planetars. Or any other outsider with a CR of at least 15.

Winged One
2006-12-19, 07:45 PM
860. Not allowed to clog up the IC thread of a game with a reinactment of the "a witch" scene from Holy Grail when somebody casts a spell.
861. Not allowed to blame all of my bad luck on a character of mine in a different campaign.
862. Not allowed to start a tangent regarding exactly how bad that character's luck is.
863. Not allowed to do all of these at once just because the DM needs more sleep than I do.

Just Alex
2006-12-19, 08:05 PM
Regarding # 697, of course Demons don't have the rock contest rule. That's Devils.

#864: Panty Raids are an innappropriate use of the spell Time Stop
#865: While technically legal, it's considered bad form to share a Shapechange with one's familiar just to have "the best sex ever"
#866: An Apparatus of Kwalash is not your "low rider"
#867: When playing an Eberron game, despite any opinions you may have about your house, you may not declare "Damn, it feels good to be a ganster"
#868: Type IV Bags of Holding must be used for something besides Holy Water, Alchemists Fire, or Acid.
#868b: Especially if someone in the party is capable of casting Telekinesis
#869: Psicrystals may not be fired from slings.

Nahal
2006-12-19, 09:40 PM
870) I will always test out artifact-level weapons before using them in combat

timmy_pyromancer
2006-12-19, 10:16 PM
i'd go and mention some of mine but i dont remember them all and quite a few of the ones Jade_Tarem mentioned i take credit for. the half celestial succubus as one of those. and i think i also turned it into a ghost.
i think i did it just to see how high i could get the charisma for my character for that game. I got to 60 and i dont think i got to play if very long.

Jade_Tarem
2006-12-19, 10:43 PM
Heh, you also never answered my question "If you're the bastard child of a messed up union between celestials and demons, who raised the offspring?"

Zeb The Troll
2006-12-20, 01:05 AM
That's more of a miracle situation, though? Unless your setting has a specific God Of Wishes who handles wish requests, I guess. I'm interested; is there a specifically-designed divine minion for hunting down wish-abusers, or a regular monster? Or the deity itself?
What it boils down to is that this creates a paradox and could lead to the destruction of the world. (He has graphic descriptions of Ethereal Tempests and such that arise from this sort of transgression.) It's this that angers the gods. Not that you're toying with some specific deity or anything.

Sesquedoodle
2006-12-20, 04:48 AM
Heh, you also never answered my question "If you're the bastard child of a messed up union between celestials and demons, who raised the offspring?"
This pretty much sums up the plot of Little Nicky.

Necomancer
2006-12-20, 06:09 AM
I'm going to add a few from a DM's perspective

871. Next time a PC uses a skill I don't fully understand yet and says "Theres a creature out there with CR higher then 20?!" I will admit ignorance rather then respond with "Yeah, sure"

872.When I want a NPC to sneak away from a scene I will not allow the PC with the highest spot check and a tendancy to roll twenties to make a spot check.


873.The PCs are not inclinded to trust the man who tore off his skin and replaced it with a fiend's even if he does reincarnate their friend for free.

874. Especialy if his brother rules a kingdom that regularly summons fiends into its army.

875.Especialy if said brother is a alienist.

876.Generaly its a bad idea to announce any aligment goes then expect the PCs to fight for the greater good.

877.When given the choice of joining the evil undead army, the evil fiendish army or fighting both do not think the PCs will not choose running away.

878.Especialy when the PCs are only level 5.

879.Its a bad idea to decide that all army bases in a certain kingdom can summon balors.

880.When your PCs spend over half the campaign at level 7 its time to start giving them more quest XP.

881.Never do anything involving coconut throwing monkies. Some PCs have no sense of humor.

882.I will stop forgetting that certain NPCs exist while they travel with the party.

883.Undead make bad cannon fodder when theres a negative energy channeling cleric in the party.

Eldpollard
2006-12-20, 06:16 AM
884) I will not take the "perform:wink, wink, nudge, nudge" skill.

Winged One
2006-12-20, 04:47 PM
885: I will not destroy the Favored Soul's holy symbol just because he's being a ****.

Nifty_Knickers
2006-12-20, 05:40 PM
886) I will not roshambo the king for his kingdom.

887) Especially not if he doesn't know what roshambo'ing is.

Just Alex
2006-12-20, 09:15 PM
870) I will always test out artifact-level weapons before using them in combat

I broke that one in a Cthulu game last weekend

For the record, Mi-go bio-weapons don't mesh well with human biology.

Bronzeevil
2006-12-21, 04:20 AM
888) No pinning the decapitated head of a great wyrm prismatic dragon to a stone wall.
889) No encouraging the party demilich to turn into a dragon while hovering over a group of monsters.
890) No using the local PA system to broadcast wail of the banshee 20th level into a group of 220 halflings.
891) No calling Sauron 'Captain Crunch.'

Yeah, we have fun times in our munchkin campaigns.

grinner666
2006-12-21, 11:30 AM
739: I will not name my animal companion/familiar "Fodder".

One of my players actually named his horse "Crunchy Bits" ...

That campaign had been ... difficult ... on the party mounts ... :smallbiggrin:

Jade_Tarem
2006-12-21, 12:14 PM
Oh, we're doing DM don'ts now? Sweet.

892: The best response to the ultracheesed cleric does not involve 100 quells, no matter how much you might want it to.
893: Also out is anything involving undead.
894: Sobbing like a little girl doesn't work either.
895: No matter how large or impressive the dragon's name is, expect the PC's to reduce it to a two syllable adjective. I.E. Craghakdor Moltenfury? Craggy
896: Placing your own twinked characters in as enemies is not a good idea.
897: There's only so much lantern archon a party can take.
898: Time travel = bad. Do you need a reason? Go back and read 898 again.
899: If you're reading this, you're not following instructions.
900: Party diversity good. No core classes... not so good.

And back to players:
901: May not dodge munchkin accusations by claiming the character is "power hungry."
902: There is no god of Stuff.
903: There is not "always another bar."
904: No longer allowed to come up with names for weapon loots that sound like the should be ok, but are actually from the ELH.

geez3r
2006-12-21, 01:31 PM
905: When formulating a plan for the final battle, I will not use the phrase "And we'll wing it from there."
906: The party barbarian shall not go into town by himself to collect anything of any importance, ever.
907: Never leave a female minotaur alone in the local dairy farm lands.
908: I will not try to make a better deal with any outsider.
909: I will not charge a berserker we just saw rip the skeleton out of a bear in order to get his armor.
910: I will not attempt to use a Titan's own warhammer against him.

Magnus_Samma
2006-12-21, 09:39 PM
I once named my character's horse Muffin.

Muffin didn't like my character very much. :P

Wizzardman
2006-12-22, 01:36 AM
911: When at the inn where the party is planning on staying, around which the whole first mission is based, I will not set the inn on fire.
912: Even if my character is a pyromaniac wizard.
913: Especially if this is the first game of the campaign, and the party has yet to meet each other.

Jade_Tarem
2006-12-22, 03:48 AM
905: When formulating a plan for the final battle, I will not use the phrase "And we'll wing it from there."

You have plans that go beyond that phrase? My party lives "on the wing."

DM:
914: Never assume that your party will not hit on the female NPC.
915: Never assume that your party will leave a building intact.
916: Never assume that your party will leave the game-defining artifact in one piece.
917: If everyone in the party takes leadership and buys a bag of holding, you know it's time to start banning something.
918: Guards do not walk and climb a half a mile in one round.
919: Never assume that your party will care about the poor, poor catgirls...

ClericofPhwarrr
2006-12-22, 04:17 AM
920: When meeting the king, I am not allowed to announce the hot female PC as "a gift for his highness."
921: ...not even as a "used gift."
922: ...not even if it would grant the party the king's full cooperation.
923: ...especially not when the queen is sitting right next to him.
924: ...and she's a sorcerer.

Behold_the_Void
2006-12-22, 05:09 AM
925: Nothing flammable should ever be placed in the paths of the PCs. If it can burn, it WILL burn.

MandibleBones
2006-12-22, 05:34 AM
926: Given proper application of heat, EVERYTHING is flammable.

Mauril Everleaf
2006-12-22, 12:28 PM
it amuses me how many of these restrictions involve fire. YAY FOR PYROMANIA! why is it that all of us have it?

nows7
2006-12-22, 01:37 PM
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent dieties.


Poor poor dieties.... You'd think that the dieity would just cure themselves...

reorith
2006-12-22, 01:51 PM
927. i am not allowed to make a commoner5/aristocrat5/barb10 ever again.

Arbitrarity
2006-12-22, 02:37 PM
928: Descriptions of attacks, no matter how deadly, still aren't auto-criticals.
929: Never, never, describe some kind of crippling hit. Then you have to say "Oh, he's missing a leg... 50% speed."
930: Don't use guards and wards in BBEG's places too often.
931: Don't give BBEG's Mordeinken's Disjunction. Too often.

Dark
2006-12-22, 03:17 PM
it amuses me how many of these restrictions involve fire. YAY FOR PYROMANIA! why is it that all of us have it?
This comic (http://www.partiallyclips.com/index.php?id=1134) explains it :)

Thiel
2006-12-22, 08:11 PM
This (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0270.html) might also have somthing to do with it

Kushaki
2006-12-22, 09:28 PM
This is a few things that I and a few of my friends have pulled in game with usually akward results.


932: BBEG does not mean big breasted exotic girl

933: I am no longer allowed to play fighters with an int score below 8

934: There are no bahumet squeaky toys

935: There is no spell named Evard's invading tentacles

936: ... Nor may I make the spell

937: I am not allowed to make other characters my mount if I am a paladin even if they can be ridden.

938: I am not allowed within the proximity of orphanages anymore.

939: Especially if I am a dark elf.

940: That goes triple if I am being chased by town’s guards and happen to have rope, oil, and my darkness spell like ability at hand.

941: I am no longer allowed to name my weapons.

942: I am no longer allowed to come withing 2 miles of a staff of power.

943: Nor am I allowed to give alcohol to minors.

944: Then use a intimidate check to make them drink it.

945: Or use a heal check to perform surgery on them to stop alcohol poisoning.

946: Then put them in a barrel.

947: I am not allowed to play a pair of shocker lizards wired to a 12 volt battery.

948: I am banned from using color spray in moving vehicles.

949: The Tibbit is not a last resort food supply.

950: I am no longer allowed to sacrifice party members to dark powers to meet prerqes for feets.

951: There is no such move as double fisted monkey punch.

952: I am not allowed to use the Twinkie defense.

953: I may not use (unarmed strike) to attack with my genitals.

954: Nor may I use it to make a hip thrust attack.

955: I am no longer allowed to use speedy undress on the BBEG.

956: I cannot cast light on people’s eyelids.

957: I cannot use favored enemy ability to determine the sex of dragons anymore.

958: Nor can I call shot the dragon’s testicles.

959: I am no longer allowed near towns that have no less than 10,000 people with high level NPC’s in the area if I am evil.

96: There is no spell summon anvil.

960: There is no feat (exotic weapon proficiency cart)

961: There is no feat (exotic weapon proficiency livestock)

962: There is no magic item the cod piece of warming +3.

963: I cannot gain XP by killing other party members with fireball even if it is by accident.

964: There is no such thing as a gnomish bat hook.

965: I am no longer allowed to give deities alcohol addictions.

966: I am not allowed to make a cat launcher.

967: No more discussions about anus shades.

968: I am not have my cat familiar try to mate with the Tibbit to get kitty’s.

969: There is Jeff god of biscuits.

970: The storm troopers are not all British actors.

Magnus_Samma
2006-12-22, 11:45 PM
971: Nobody really needs to think about what particular monstrous races' genitals might look like. Most of the players don't even know what cloaca are.

972: Although interesting, it is not necessary to specify how large the female PC's boobs are.

973: No gnomes. Ever. No, not even then.

974: The DM is not allowed to use his personal "annoyance CR" scale to choose what monsters to use for random encounters ever again.

975: The DM also needs to brush up on the rules about readied action before the rogue gets bitten in the face by a giant spider again.

976: In fact, the DM should probably avoid giant spiders altogether.

977: If you intentionally insult the paladin, you should be prepared for the paladin to pull the stick out and shove it in your eye.

978: PCs can't be mute.

979: Don't take the names of the lords of hell in vain.

980: There is no such thing as a "Dwarven Chippendales." Everyone roll a sanity check.

Kushaki
2006-12-23, 03:32 AM
981 Gnome isn't used for baking

982 I can no longer make sunder fighters.

Owan
2006-12-23, 02:25 PM
983 - Never again will I attempt to devise the epic spell "Nuke from Orbit".

Atreyu the Masked LLama
2006-12-23, 02:46 PM
984- I will not use "summon monster spells to call forth creatures simply to dance for my amusement. Even if I'm bored and on watch."

Viscount Einstrauss
2006-12-23, 02:55 PM
985- Thou shalt not kill. And then use several bluff and disguise checks to blame another player and get them beaten by an angry mob and thrown in prison. Regardless of how much fun you're having watching that player's face while it happens.

Hurlbut
2006-12-23, 03:19 PM
986- I am not allowed to take any damage boosting feats ever again, especially when I'm using greatsword wielding barbarian even if I never used rages or use the PHB2 variant.

True story, I always seem to end encounters TOO quickly with just my character alone even with 4-5 others in the party. It was freak chances that I almost got a critical hit EVERY encounter that end the fight. (Beheaded minotuar, cleaving a dragonell in half from top to bottom, chopped a Grey Reaver in half from waist to waist, and so on) I was ABOUT to consider taking Leap Attack until DM consulted with me about that my barbarian was dishing too much damage. You know the saddest thing about my character? His Berserk rage only went off ONCE in that campaign.

ClericofPhwarrr
2006-12-24, 02:36 AM
987-I am not allowed to get within 20ft of any sort of catapult ever again. For any reason.

988-I am not allowed to summon an earth elemental in the air right above the BBEG. (See this thread: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=30269)

Everyman
2006-12-24, 02:59 AM
989. PCs will not refer to a female werewolf's lunar period as her "time of the month".

990. Even if she is a paticularly angry barbarian.

991. To claim that women are "things" in your inventory is to invite the wrath of said werewolf, as well as the real wrath of the women at the gaming table.

992. As a DM, I will never assume that because there is no reason to involve random NPC 1 in the plot, that random NPC 1 will not end up in the plot for a while.

993. Or sleeping with my fiance's character.:smallannoyed:

994. PCs are no longer allowed to drop the eyes of creatures with a petrifiying gaze into random liquids to make "viagra potion"

995. Nor will it be attempted with a clever use of the "iron wood" spell.

996. In fact, the idea of a "viagra potion" will never be mentioned again.

beholder
2006-12-24, 04:49 AM
True ones about me (varies depending on DM or if I'm DMing)

x4)as an assassin I can no longer say "hi" and then just stare at someone for 18 seconds
.
that had me laughing for about 5 minutes

Drascin
2006-12-24, 12:56 PM
463. I will not play an environmentalist and then try to justify to the DM why burning down the forest is okay

Why not? Sometimes, burning down the forest is good. And I'm not even joking :P.

Aaanyway, playing a druid right now, so a few directly from last two sessions:

996- Throwing party members into glowing, highly-carcinogen-looking substances just to see what happens is a no-go.
997- I will not again create genetic aberrations against nature, for any reason.
998- ...nor use them as mounts and fair show
999- ...especially since I'm a druid ^^u
1000- I'm not supposed to "cast brambles on the stick up the damn paladin's ass"
1001- ...or introduce said stick previously, when not found
1002- Leaving dismembered, half devoured corpses at an inn's room is usually frowned upon
1003- Even if I polimorph into a giant lizard and cast animal growth on myself, I do not get the ability to breathe radiactive fire
1004- ...and no, Waterdeep is not Tokyo, for that matter
1005- My pet fleshraker will not have a diet composed of "only the best parts of homeless orphans"
1006- ...even if he seems to like it.
1007- Having 9 ranks in Knowledge:Nature does not allow me to manufacture plant-based hallucinogens
1008- I will not summon a dozen badgers and try to have the awakened solely to try and create the real version of the "Badgerbadger" flash.

Everyman
2006-12-24, 04:06 PM
*Psst*
Drascin? Your numbers are off by one. Just thought I'd let you know.:smallsmile:

Jade_Tarem
2006-12-25, 12:48 AM
1010: 2-20 (Anyone remember this? I might get banned...)
1011: Only allowed to kill so many catgirls per session.
1012: The body of war spell does not make me a mechwarrior.
1013: Not allowed to create a female fire elemental for the purpose of being the hottest chick in the world.
1014: Not allowed to make a male one either, now that I mentioned it...
1015: As the human wizard in a party of gnomes and dwarves, I'm not allowed to hang a sign around my neck that reads "you must be this tall to ride" before we teleport.
1016: Not allowed to name wands of sleep after OTC drugs.
1017: Not allowed to name wands of enlargement after... other... drugs.
1018: Even if gargantuan sized and a treant, my character is not the jolly green giant.
1019: Not allowed to put a ray attack through a sequence of lenses to multiply it thirty times.
1020: Any command to my animal companion that sounds reminiscent of Pokemon will bring down DM smiting.
1021: No matter how the DM describes the paladin's color choices and decor, I am not allowed to start singing "Lancelot" from Spamalot.
1022: Not allowed to do any impressions of Imoen from Baldur's Gate.

MrNexx
2006-12-25, 12:53 AM
1011: Not allowed to create a female fire elemental for the purpose of being the hottest chick in the world.
1012: Not allowed to make a male one either, now that I mentioned it...


Was tempted to make a Burster in Rifts with a high PB and a t-shirt that said "In case of Stares, use fire."



811. All future clerics are henceforth banned from selecting as their patron deity the Great Polyhedra in the Sky, even if it is their sincere belief that the Great Polyhedra in the Sky determine the nature, qualities and destiny of everything in existence.

One of my players wants to form, in game, the Cult of Gygax.

JaronK
2006-12-25, 03:17 AM
From Shadowrun:

1123: I am not allowed to take Bludgeoning Weapons specialized to (Municiple Property) or (Metahuman bodyparts).

JaronK

Quincunx
2006-12-25, 03:44 PM
1124: No mixing gelatin powder into the water elemental.
1125: No inserting stink bombs into the air elemental.
1126: No toasting marshmallows over the fire elemental.
1127: No planting seeds and Quick-Gro fertilizer into the earth elemental.
1128: No decapitating the main tank when he gets charmed "for the safety of the party".
1128a: Yelling "w00t, free XP" when a member of the party gets charmed is in poor taste.
1129: If Weird Al Yankovic "Dare to be Stupid" is your fight song, rethink your strategy.

Neek
2006-12-25, 04:55 PM
Oh wow. This is funnier than a barrel of monkeys.

1130. Coffee cups are not weapons.
1131. Even if they are, they cannot be used as anti-vehicle weapons. I don't care what your Strength is.
1132. Change Object cannot be used to change the Death Knight's helmet into a pink frilly heart-shaped pillow.
1133. Do not make the Death Knight cry. Plz. :(
1134. Throwing a dwarf up at a giant is not considered "air assult."
1135. Throwing the aforementioned dwarf down on a giant is not considered "death from above."
1136. One is not permitted to jump off tree branches and cream "Lalalalala!" like Xena.
1137. If your arm is servered and you were wearing a +1 ring, your arm is not considered a magical weapon.
1138. You may not use your servered arm to bludgeon a dragon to death.
1139. Do not grope any part of a Living Wall. Ever.
1140. Anuses are not dimensional doors.
1141. Forcing someone to deepthroat your lightsaber and then turning it on warrants at least 1 Dark Side point.
1142. No droid has a pleasure port. Not even as an after-market mod.
1143. No coffin can have a pleasure port; even if you have Viscissitude. Even if it's alive.
1144. The octopus is not a mount. You may not ride the octopus.

Thiel
2006-12-25, 08:42 PM
1145. Referring to Paranoia Agent is prohibited. (Unless playing Paranoia or Call of Cthulu)

Avicenex
2006-12-26, 12:49 AM
1146. I am not allowed to kill the paladin in her sleep.
1147. ...Even if she did give me the nickname "puppy" while I was temporarily a wolf.
1148. We are no longer allowed to cut up and take with us the black dragon we just killed "because its valuable."
1149. When the giant mosquito is flying away with a party-member's blood, it is in poor taste to pop the mosquito with an arrow, causing said party-member's blood to go everywhere.
1150. It is in even worse taste to tell that party member they'll "get it back someday"

Nahal
2006-12-26, 12:56 AM
I broke that one in a Cthulu game last weekend

For the record, Mi-go bio-weapons don't mesh well with human biology.

I came up with that rule after stabbing a downed opponent with a 2000-year-old metal blade was part of a Nazi dagger only to discover that it heals whoever it pierces. We later deduced that it was the blade from the Holy Lance. After the session I also realized that using it at all is a bad idea (due to space-time and probablity issues), and must only be used in situation where the person MUST be magically healed (i.e. a PC/crucial NPC is on the verge of death or just past it).

Also, someone please expain what you all mean by catgirls in a gaming context (besides the obvious)?

Winged One
2006-12-26, 01:16 AM
Also, someone please expain what you all mean by catgirls in a gaming context (besides the obvious)?

http://www.errantstory.com/comics/es20060807.jpg

Turcano
2006-12-26, 01:20 AM
http://www.errantstory.com/comics/es20060807.jpg
I don't understand how that's supposed to be a discouragement.

ClericofPhwarrr
2006-12-26, 04:38 AM
1151. I am not allowed to cast a permanancy spell with "reduce person" on that annoying non-spellcasting halfling PC to force him into the "Tiny" size category. (Which is about as big as a house cat.)

1152. ...even if I do, the DM can't insist that his player speak in a high-pitched voice for the rest of the campaign.

1153. ...and I cannot challenge him to a footrace, knowing that my base speed is now twice his.

1154. I am not allowed to say the phrase, "Gnome... it's what's for dinner."

Dark
2006-12-26, 08:13 AM
Note that if the catgirl rule is true, then it is part of real physics. This means that every time you bring up the catgirl rule in a discussion about a fantasy story, God kills a catgirl.

Artanis
2006-12-26, 01:11 PM
1155- When confronted with a puzzle that involves getting around a six-hour wait in line to get across a bridge, I'm not allowed to simply walk along the bottom of the bridge.

Neek
2006-12-26, 01:25 PM
1154. I am not allowed to say the phrase, "Gnome... it's what's for dinner."

Which reminds me,

1156. Kender is not a staple for my diet.

Zonac
2006-12-26, 04:49 PM
Most of this stuff I've never done, but this is for future reference.

1157. I am not allowed to start with 5 flasks of oil, a bunch of cloth, a torch, arrows, and a bow.
1157a. Especially if I have any bow related feats.
1158. I may not have a bard who can sing any/all demonic songs backwards.
1158a. Especially if the words in said song pronounced backwards are innappropiate.
1159. I may not be the group's rogue or barbarian.
1159a. Especially if I multiclass to be both.
1160. I may not mention anything about gnomes or dwarves.
1160a. Especially when it has to do with a fat chick.
1161. I may not be the groups cleric.
1162. I may not "gaurd" the groups items.
1162a. Especially their weapons/spellbooks.
1163. I will not blame the disappearance of the group's items on the rogue.
1163a. Especially when I took them.
1164. I will not have a bag of holding and a portable with me.
1164a. Especially when I know how to use them together.
1164b. Even more so if I intend to use it.
1164c. Double that for evil intentions.
1164d. And finally, I will not use it after I already got what I wanted from them.
1165. I may not play a gnome just to weild myself.
1165a. I especially may not use myself as a double weapon.

That's all I can think of right now, but there shall be more.

Mauril Everleaf
2006-12-26, 04:59 PM
1166) even though half-orcs have an orc parent, and half-elves have a elf parent, i cannot assume that halflings have a ling parent
1167) no i cannot play a ling
1168) when playing with my dm's variant of warlock (who gets pretty much infinite mana power in cities) i cannot obliterate the gypsy wagon with 32d8 of anti-matter damage
1169) even if im chaotic good and the bad guy just went in to see the fortune teller
1170) now that i mention it, im not allowed to play a chaotic warlock ever
1171) just because the rules allow it does not mean that i should do it
1172) just because the rules dont disallow it doesnt mean that i should do it
1173) nuking the theif with my mana burn just because im about to get a refill is considered bad form
1174) you cannot use the spell "create food and water" as an offensive spell
1175) mocking the dm for his broken rules, then using them against him, often results in encounters way out of our cr
1176) this usually pisses off players
1177) defeating them ususally pisses off the dm even more

ExHunterEmerald
2006-12-26, 06:22 PM
1178) The paladin is to stop removing his armor.
1178a) We're not cleaning you off the wall again.
1179) Don't spoil another party members' character twist just because you figured it out.
1180) Or mock the players that haven't caught it yet.
1181) Quoting pop-fantasy novels is a Tarrasqueable offense.
1182) Playing a mute character is a Tarrasqueable offense.
1183) Bothering the DM is a Tarrasqueable offense.
1184) We have not always been at war with Eurasia.
1185) We do not salute big Brother, and he is not watching you.
1186) He is running you. And you give him pizza as tribute.

MrNexx
2006-12-27, 02:08 AM
1154. I am not allowed to say the phrase, "Gnome... it's what's for dinner."

Ironically enough, in Palladium Fantasy, trolls are noted as having a particular taste for gnomes. They love them. So gnomes ARE what's for dinner, whenever they can.

MandibleBones
2006-12-27, 06:43 AM
1187) Elf is not "the other white meat"
1188) Nor is the flesh of any other sapient species.
1189) Especially not dwarf.
1190) The wearbear is definitely not driving.
1191) Invoking rule 1190 does not mean the halfling gets to drive, either.

Amon Star
2006-12-27, 08:03 AM
I don't understand how that's supposed to be a discouragement.

You Big Meenie! :tongue:

CabbageTheif
2006-12-27, 11:05 AM
1192- there will be no interaction between the DM and the barbarian involving suggestive material
1193- ...even if the character the DM is currently being is a sex-fiend of the opposite gender of the DM
1194-...ESPECIALLY if the DM is good at acting (shiver).
1195- i dont care what your motivation, if you save an orphan it will hug you
1196- and it does not provide an attack of opportunity
1197- and returning the hug does not result in a grapple check
1198- nor can you use it to crush the orphan to death.
1199- Riddick is not a playable class
1200- neither is he a race
1201- being a bald humanoid with supperior streangth, dex, and nightvision does not make you automaticly provicient with tea cups.
1202- if your alignment is good, you cannot cut someones heart out with a teacup in a barfight

Aimbot
2006-12-27, 04:33 PM
1203. The Paladin does not understand sarcasm.
1204. The Paladin's special mount is not to be refered to as "good eatin'."
1204a. Even if your character is French.
1205. Rabbit is not an acceptable nickname for an Elf.
1206. Good characters are not allowed to start dead pools.
1207. The elf is not "acceptable losses," particularly while he still lives.
1208. Never let your entire party take a language you don't have.
1209. You may not worship the Wizard that did it.
1210. You may not worship a party member's familiar.
1211. You may not worship the lucky rocket ship underpants.
1212. You may not model your character around Joseph Stalin.
1213. You may not exploit your DM's shaky grasp of history.
1214. You may not teach a young child that "Hastur" is a term of endearment.
1215. You may not rename your NPC torchbearer.
1216. The arguement "they're just NPCs" does not work circumvent a good alignment.
1217. Elmers is not an acceptable name for a mount.
1218. Naming a riding dog after an unatractive female PC is very bad manners.
1219. The dwarf already is embarased about riding a pony, don't rub it in.
1220. Don't blaime the rouge before disdcovering his guilt.
1221. When the henchman asks if you'd raise him if he dies don't respond with: "Hah! That's a good one!"
1222. No god has hypocracy in its portfolio.
1222. "Rocks fall! Everyone dies!" is not an acceptable end for a campaign. I'm looking at you, Obsidian.

Necomancer
2006-12-27, 11:07 PM
1223-There is no spell, summon girlfriend
1224-If you do get away with the spell don't complain when it summons a orc.
1225-You may not play the world's prettiest orc bard, especialy if hes males.
1226-If you roll a natural one you may not choose how you fumble, especialy if the game does not use fumble rules
1227-The solution is not now, nor is it ever, I pull down my pants and moon them.
1228-There is no patron saint of nudity.
1229-Put down the damn rat flail.
1230-You may not play a monty python viking.
1231-There is no good time to start singing the spam song.
1232-I don't care how high your bluff was, hes not going to beleive the parrot is alive.
1233-No more watching monty python before gaming.
1234-May not read lists of things other people arn't allowed to do during gaming specificly to get ideas.
1235-I may not use all my skill points of professions.
1236-Especialy if I'm the party rogue
1237-Profession(theif) is not substitute for disable device, open lock, hide and move silently.
1238-My hand is *not* possesed by a evil spirt, nor may I replace it with a chainsaw.
1239-Though the rules allow it it is rather disturbing when you play a troll who only eats through self-cannibalization.

Jade_Tarem
2006-12-28, 04:17 AM
1240: Not allowed to impersonate an IRS agent to infiltrate a camp in the middle of nowhere.
1241: Not allowed to complain when the successful IRS bluff produces murderous desires in the target.
1242: Not allowed to switch to publisher's clearing house agent when the IRS bluff falls through.
1243: Not allowed to bribe the soldiers with a poorly forged check when there's no bank for a hundred miles in any direction.
1244: There is no XP for burning a wicker dragon.
1245: There is, apparently, an auto-pickpocket mode on some kender models.
1246: While not forbidden, appealing to the fanatical black dragon's scrupulous sense of fair play is... unwise.
1247: Closing your eyes and opening them will not make the monster go away.
1248: The zombie routine never works.
1249: Oi! Is not sufficient apology for burning the camp to the ground.
1250: The temple is not dragonproof.
1251: There are no compromises concerning Otiluke's Resilient Sphere.
1252: Not allowed to attack the darkness, especially if the only thing in the darkness is a PC.
1253: Not allowed to burst out laughing when I see the gazebo.
1254: Not allowed to have the the battle cry "Kazam! Wait... hit the Deck!"
1255: Not allowed to take credit for bringing the gods back into the universe after having done everything possible to prevent it.
1256: Not allowed to hijack the role of the plot-critical NPC.
1257: Setting a readied action to shoot what comes out of the well will not help if there is no longer a well.
1258: The warchanter in full plate will not out-grace the wizard or the rogue.
1259: Explosive enemies do not make good cushions.
1260: There is a fine line between taking it and taking them.
1261: Not allowed to Phantasmal Killer a PC for "failing to get eaten properly."
1262: May not say "BOOM! Headshot!" after using the wand of lightning.
1263: Shaking hands while under the effect of shocking grasp isn't a "joy buzzer" prank... it's homicide.
1263a: Although it was pretty funny.
1264: Looting the temple of the goddess you just resurrected is not the smart thing to do.

Jack_of_Spades
2006-12-28, 04:23 AM
1262: Not allowed to keep a dice roll that hit a pencil before stopping. Only applies while I'm the DM.

1263: Not allowed to form plans without telling the rest of the party what it's for.

1264: I may not create traps in a dungeon while I'm "scouting ahead."

Rockphed
2006-12-28, 04:55 AM
1264: I may not create traps in a dungeon while I'm "scouting ahead."

Wouldn't this take a while? I mean you need to make a craft check...


1219. The dwarf already is embarased about riding a pony, don't rub it in.

And here I always thought dwarves, as medium creatures, would ride horses. But then, if the dwarf is riding a pony, it should be embarrassed.

Fako
2006-12-28, 05:51 AM
1268. You may not start a level one fighter with thirty quarterstaves.
1268a. Even if they are free.
1268b. The same goes for carrying 5000 holly and mistletoe.
1269. There is no feat Exotic Weapon Proficiency (Zombie).
1270. You cannot use Sudden Strike to "subdue" a guard.
1270a. Especially when you specify you are activating Vicious on your shortsword as well.
1271. You may not kill the dragon by using Create Water, followed by Lightning Bolt, while all the other players are standing on top of the dragon.

Khantalas
2006-12-28, 05:59 AM
1271. You may not kill the dragon by using Create Water, followed by Lightning Bolt, while all the other players are standing on top of the dragon.

How does this work? Assuming the dragon is too weak to stand such an assault, Create Water summons pure, deionized water, which is a very poor conducter for electricity.

Fako
2006-12-28, 06:03 AM
How does this work? Assuming the dragon is too weak to stand such an assault, Create Water summons pure, deionized water, which is a very poor conducter for electricity.

I wasn't the DM at the time. The person DMing loved creative spell mixes, so he allowed it that time. Until the party pointed out they were standing on top of the thing to try to avoid the tail sweep...

We lost three people that fight. Two from the lightning bolt, and one from the annoyed party members after the fight. (This wasn't the first time he'd tried to kill us...)

Khantalas
2006-12-28, 06:06 AM
I was waiting for a catgirl reference, though.

Fako
2006-12-28, 06:07 AM
I was waiting for a catgirl reference, though.

Can't help there. I've been playing D&D for 4 years, and have yet to see a catgirl in any game.

Zeb The Troll
2006-12-28, 06:15 AM
How does this work? Assuming the dragon is too weak to stand such an assault, Create Water summons pure, deionized water, which is a very poor conducter for electricity.
<screaming catgirl in the distance> [Added at the request of Khantalas]

From the SRD...



This spell generates wholesome, drinkable water, just like clean rain water. Water can be created in an area as small as will actually contain the liquid, or in an area three times as large—possibly creating a downpour or filling many small receptacles.

No mention of de-ionized, denaturalized, demineralized, or any other form of deconductive-ized. Just potable, zot-able water.

Khantalas
2006-12-28, 06:19 AM
But there was a spell that creates pure water. I'm sure of it.

It may not be Create Water, but it's out there somewhere.

MandibleBones
2006-12-28, 06:41 AM
But there was a spell that creates pure water. I'm sure of it.
Purify food and drink, maybe?

Fizban
2006-12-28, 06:50 AM
Purify food and drink, maybe?
Nope, once again merely makes it drinkable.
Edit: Well "pure and suitable for drinking." Subject to interperetation.

amanodel
2006-12-28, 09:10 AM
(Side note for the catgirl: Drinkable water is not de-ionized. If you drink de-ionized, de-mineralized, etc etc, pure H2O, you'll get sick.)

1272. May not sew one's severed hands back with one's mouth. Especially if he doesn't have any ranks in profession (sewing), nor has a needle.
1273. After being exiled is is considered bad manners to stick your tongue out to the jury.
1274. These two goes double if you made your good-aligned ranger attack the respected archdruid of your forest.

Callos_DeTerran
2006-12-28, 09:22 AM
Can't help there. I've been playing D&D for 4 years, and have yet to see a catgirl in any game.

He/She is speaking of the holy writ "When you drag real world physic's into a fantasy game, God kills a catgirl. Please, think of the catgirls."

Shadow of the Sun
2006-12-28, 10:15 AM
Of course, as someone else pointed out, if it is every time, it is a constant, and thus a universal law of physics. Which means merely talking about it kills even more catgirls ad infinitum.

Mauril Everleaf
2006-12-28, 10:52 AM
well, who really likes catgirls anyway? i mean really.

ClericofPhwarrr
2006-12-28, 11:36 AM
:thog: thog love catgirls. yum yum.

MrNexx
2006-12-28, 03:56 PM
But there was a spell that creates pure water. I'm sure of it.

It may not be Create Water, but it's out there somewhere.

Lightning Bolt. :smallwink:

amanodel
2006-12-28, 08:12 PM
XXXX. Not allowed to build a power plant using fire/cold/lighting spells. Even if I max my Profession: engineer skill.

Foeofthelance
2006-12-28, 11:02 PM
1276. Saves Against Box Text may only be made after sacrificing minions
1277. Shapechanging back into dragon form is not an instant kill when the Red Juvenile tries to swallow me. Even if it is a broken over advanced character.
1278. My followers should not start singing when facing evil dragons. Especially not heavy metal songs. Particularly not the 'When the Dragon Lies Bleeding"
1279. I should not introduce taxes when abusing Leadership.
1280. Next time, we don't send the good aligned characters and dragons when sending the evil Vampire to neogtiate with Demons.
1281. Never ask what the gnomes are planning to do next to their ship.
1282. Never have my mount try to force a stuck door. Especially not when I'm doing the same thing from the other side.
1283. No more games of War using the Deck of Many Things. It cheats.
1284. Should not teach the animal companions to caw Flight of the Valkyries when they go on bombing runs.
1285. Never be in the line of fire for a gnome ship.
1286. Never grapple the bad guy when the gnomes are about to test their surface to air missiles.
1287. Don't keep repeating the same spell combinations. After a while we will meet a monster immune to all of them.
1288. I can not maintain a neutral alignment while wielding evil artifacts and pieces of dead monsters. Especially not while plotting to over throw the Dwarf Nation.
1289. I did not meet a new Dwarven god named Rockallah. Nor am I his new prophet Glinhammed.
1290. Do not stand in front of the geomancer while's she's casting spells.Especailly the AoE ones.
1291. Monkey Grip is a terrible feat. I will not take it again, even if it can be horribly abused.
1292. I will not talk a DM into allowing me to scribe third level or lower scrolls for free again.
1293. I can no longer use Summon Undead Three to summon a Large Undead Red Dragon. Nor can I go through the MM and customize undead.
1294. I should not introduce a new a Good aligned noble to compete with the Evil Geomancer to see whether or not I can aquire more followers then her.
1295. No more using followers to create accounting firms, especially not if my Cohort is named Meryll Lynch.

Jade_Tarem
2006-12-29, 04:48 AM
1221. When the henchman asks if you'd raise him if he dies don't respond with: "Hah! That's a good one!"

You can, however, play your "kill the henchman for XP, go up a level" card.

Godhand
2006-12-29, 11:25 AM
1296. Not allowed to travel to another dimension, yell "reboot!" and expect something good to happen.
1297. If something good does happen, the next word out of my mouth should most certainly not be "Alphanumeric!"
1298. Under no circumstance am I allowed to ra*e, sack, pillage, burn or eat the babies.
1299. Bob Saget is not an acceptable villian
1300. Neither is he an acceptable character name
1301. Petting the guardian sphinx and calling her a "kitty" is not allowed.
1302. The race card does not work.
1303. There will be NO mention of a gazebo.
1304. When you defeat the mighty dragon, one and only one victory lap is in order. Seventeen is right out.
1305. Saying "Ni" to an enemy knight is considered bad form.
1306. Actually, referencing anything from Monty Python is bad form. (It's a dead horse people, let it go.)
1307. "But I'm CN" is never an acceptable argument.

Abardam
2006-12-29, 12:38 PM
1308. I will not obliterate any more bandit camps with 'Explosive Rune Pamphlets.'

1309. No more singing, "I'm Too Dextrous for My (Chain) Shirt."

Mauril Everleaf
2006-12-29, 12:42 PM
1307. "But I'm CN" is never an acceptable argument.

i totally disagree with this one. i play in a campaign where we use major and minor alignments, wherein im major chaotic and minor neutral, which means that if its not random its probably not in character. so "im cn" is totally a good excuse.

also, as a side note, CN is the chemical symbol for cyanide. anyone else find this funny?

NullAshton
2006-12-29, 12:43 PM
1310. Always tell your party members of any information you know, that they probably do not know. Even if you're withholding the information in the hopes that the situation can be resolved peacefully, because it usually can't.

Leather_Book_Wizard
2006-12-29, 12:46 PM
It's fun being CN. It let's you run away to save your own skin. :-)

The_Werebear
2006-12-29, 01:26 PM
Hey, there are no alignments that prohibit running to save your own skin.

There are just a few that require taking your allies with you when you run, thus saving all of your skins.

Godhand
2006-12-29, 01:37 PM
That was me poking fun at the "But I'm ____" argument. I guess N would have been a better choice. Oh well.

grinner666
2006-12-29, 02:56 PM
Hey, there are no alignments that prohibit running to save your own skin.

There are just a few that require taking your allies with you when you run, thus saving all of your skins.


Aaaaaaaahhhhh, yes. The old, "You don't have to be faster than your enemies, just faster than your slowest friend," gambit. Most of my more lightly-armored characters are well versed in that one ...

:biggrin:

The_Werebear
2006-12-29, 02:58 PM
Aaaaaaaahhhhh, yes. The old, "You don't have to be faster than your enemies, just faster than your slowest friend," gambit. Most of my more lightly-armored characters are well versed in that one ...

:biggrin:

Especially when you make your friends slower. A Chaotic Evil character I had a while back hamstrung a henchman while running so he and his friends could escape a huge group of angry animals.

Devils_Advocate
2006-12-29, 06:21 PM
i totally disagree with this one. i play in a campaign where we use major and minor alignments, wherein im major chaotic and minor neutral, which means that if its not random its probably not in character. so "im cn" is totally a good excuse.
Well, if you take Chaotic to be random and Lawful to be predictable, and you take alignment to be a force that determines characters' actions, then yes, "I'm Chaotic Neutral" can be a valid explanation for your character's behavior. If, on the other hand, you take Chaotic to be rebellious, innovative, and/or dishonest and Lawful to be obedient, traditional and/or honest, and alignment to be a description of your character's nature rather than something that dictates his choices, then no, "I'm Chaotic Neutral" is, by itself, very much not sufficient explanation.

In short: "But I'm CN" can be a valid explanation... if you use an alignment system that works completely different from the RAW alignment system.

And even then, it may not be a good excuse. Just because your character's insane behavior can be put down to his alignment doesn't mean that his party will put up with him acting that way, nor that your gaming group will tolerate you playing such a disruptive character. Differing alignment systems aside, it's like saying, "But I'm a reckless lunatic!" If anything, pointing out that the particular stupid thing you just did is only one example of your general pattern of stupid behavior is going to make others less favorably inclined towards you.

Now, if the character isn't disruptive, then there's no problem. But in that case there was nothing that needed excusing in the first place.

Mauril Everleaf
2006-12-29, 06:52 PM
actually, if it was out of line with my character, it needs an excuse. if its in line with my character, no excuse needed.
if my character always decides to buy a bushel of fruit at the market before we go anywhere, because he thinks that he may contract scurvy if he doesnt, then when i buy 4 gold worth of oranges, i dont need to explain but once to my fellow players why he does that. however if for 12 levels hes never ever eating a piece of fruit, then decides to start buying up all the bananas that he sees, that requires some explaining.
also chaotic as a whole doesnt really mean that you are insane, however chaotic neutral does imply it. heck, in older editions, chaotic neutral players had a 25% chance of being psychopathic.

Hivemind Ghost
2006-12-30, 06:41 PM
1311. When DMing, making a recurring set of demons based on Lordi who sing their songs whenever they appear is not acceptable just because I have them all on my iPod.
1311a. Bringing Back the Balls to Rock *is* acceptable, however. But only once.
1312. While DMing, I cannot create a set of recurring Bard NPCs who follow the PCs playing atmospheric background music. *I* can play atmospheric background music, but it cannot be heard in-game.

Fireball.Man.Guy.
2006-12-30, 10:11 PM
1312: I cannot hire Pun Pun

1313: Nor can I create a guild of Pun Puns.

1314: Unless I bribe the DM.

Amphimir Míriel
2006-12-30, 10:54 PM
if my character always decides to buy a bushel of fruit at the market before we go anywhere, because he thinks that he may contract scurvy if he doesnt, then when i buy 4 gold worth of oranges, i dont need to explain but once to my fellow players why he does that. however if for 12 levels hes never ever eating a piece of fruit, then decides to start buying up all the bananas that he sees, that requires some explaining.

Sorry to be off-topic and sorry if my comment accidentally kills a catgirl, somewhere...

But bananas will rapidly spoil in a ship and don't have enough vitamin C to stave off scurvy.

Oranges will work just fine, though... They keep better and have better ammounts of vitamin C... Lemons, Limes, or Tamarinds would be even better.

...but Thuja leaves (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thuja) would be best, as they can be kept dry and made into a Tea that contains 50 mg of vitamin C per 100 grams.

Of course you would have to convince your DM that such a plant exists in the world and that a seafaring civilization has discovered its effects, and that it is readily available...

too many ifs, but if your are munchkin enough..

Neek
2006-12-30, 11:56 PM
1306. Actually, referencing anything from Monty Python is bad form. (It's a dead horse parrot people, let it go.)

Fixed. :D

For the record, a 5th level priest can cast Remove Disease. So, if a nation tricks the right man into the contract, he might be cheaper than a barrel of oranges. (Or he could just manufacture a load of Remove Disease scrolls).

A Pointy Object
2006-12-31, 02:32 AM
1315. The bard, under no circumstances, may use inspire competence by singing "I'm To Sexy".
1316. Especially when that bard is a half-orc.
1317. My drunken master may not use a +3 holy dragonbane barstool. Ever.
1318. You're not going to be a lawful good drow necromancer, no matter how good your back story is.
1319. No, being neutral won't help either.
1320. If you are a druid, being a warforged is entirely out of the question.
1321. No monk, and I mean NO MONK, will ever be named "Chuck Norris", "Tony Ja", Or any other combination of these words.
1322. There is no "Mighty Morphing Power Ranger" prestige class.
1323. Warforged Bards way never do "the robot", no matter how many Perform ranks he has.

Jack_of_Spades
2006-12-31, 06:06 AM
1324. Never go to the bathroom in game.

Nevermind
2006-12-31, 02:22 PM
1325 - The DM going to the bathroom doesn't give you a +999 circumstance bonus on rolling a natural 20 on escaping a trap set by the combined powers of every evil god.

1326 - Don't flail your arms around while attacking in game. You're not playing the Wii, and you dokn't want to damage anyone... Do you?

Valairn
2006-12-31, 02:31 PM
1327 - I am not allowed to make the Kobold dance....
1328 - Even if I am the DM and can do whatever i want....
1329 - Even if I am the wizard and cast Irresistable Dance ....
1330 - Even if I am the kobold and just want to danc....
1331 - Under no circumstances is the kobold to dance......

CabbageTheif
2006-12-31, 06:11 PM
^why not? i like my gypsy kobold bard with performance (dance)

Green Bean
2006-12-31, 07:23 PM
1332- Any plan that involves a Helm of Brilliance and a Wand of Fireballs is not 'totally awesome'

1333- I don't care how many ranks you have in Profession(Chef): you will not win over the CE God of Death with a well made soufflé

The Orange Zergling
2006-12-31, 07:30 PM
1334: Breastplates may never be referred to as "boobplates" ever again.
1335: Especially if a female is within earshot, in-game or in real life.

Winged One
2006-12-31, 07:44 PM
1336: Just because the rogue always does his absolute best to twist the truth doesn't mean I always have to talk like I'm interogating a baatezu.
1337: 7y|>1/\/6 l1|<3 7|-|15 is forbidden under all circumstances other then to communicate that it is forbidden.

NEO|Phyte
2006-12-31, 07:58 PM
1337: 7y|>1/\/6 l1|<3 7|-|15 is forbidden under all circumstances other then to communicate that it is forbidden.
You did that on purpose, didn't you.

Winged One
2006-12-31, 08:07 PM
Yes. Yes I did.

Zonac
2006-12-31, 08:42 PM
1337: 7y|>1/\/6 l1|<3 7|-|15 is forbidden under all circumstances other then to communicate that it is forbidden.


I don't get it. Oh, and...

1338. I may not have ranks in knowledge (DM's weakness).

Luircin
2006-12-31, 10:07 PM
1339: "But I'm a gnome!" is never an acceptable excuse for making exploding inventions.

1340: The gnome race does NOT get a bonus to Craft: Explosives.

1341: And especially not Craft: Doomsday Device.

1342: Unless it's the DM's recurring villian, in which case it's required.

1343: Not allowed to declare a crusade against "ugly people."

1344: Not even as a paladin of Sune or Wee Jass.

1345: There will be no selling party members to the dragon.

1346: Not even if the dragon is just a teenage emo dragon who wants your party member for "just a few hours."

Meynolds
2006-12-31, 11:27 PM
DON'T ASK!


1347 - I will not throw the human wizard...
1348 - ...even if that did kill the shade.
1349 - I will not use human ribs as weapons...
1350 - ...nor elven ones for that matter.
1351 - I must always specify what type of chest...
1351a - especially if there is some confusion as to type.*
1352 - I must resist throwing the human mercenary's dead body...
1353 - ...even if it does kill the other mercenary.
1354 - I must not use the wine we found in the kitchen as an explosive starter...
1355 - regardless of how powerful it is.
1356 - I must never use a flaming mercenary corpse to lock the door...
1356a - especially with ribs as nails.
1357 - Never, under any circumstances, drag the warforged fighter out of the room and preform number 1356.


*Organic or non-organic.

Indoril
2006-12-31, 11:34 PM
1358) I am not allowed to trap the souls of my fellow PC's into gems and use these gems as a bribe to subjugate a Pit Fiend to my will.

Pip L
2007-01-01, 12:14 AM
341. I don't care what you roll on your swim check, you cannot attempt a swim check while wearing full plate mail.

Historically, people were able to run full-speed, swim, duck, and jump while decked out in full plate-mail armour. In fact, a well-made suit of plate weighed a mere forty pounds, while a modern-day soldier carries into combat over two hundred pounds of equipment. :)

1359 - No longer allowed to activate "Shocking Grasp" and then shake the hand of the lone traveler who just got done dueling our fighter.
1310 - The Gnome is no longer allowed to attack the Dire Wolf in the testicles with his dart-gun, even if he does roll another two natural twenties on a row.
1341 - The Paladin is never again allowed to dual-wield bastard swords enchanted by Heironeous himself while himself transformed into the twenty-foot tall avatar of his god.
1342 - The party is not allowed to initiate a hostile takeover of the city utilizing previously unfriendly pirates, an army of beggars, and escaped prisoners while the Paladin is sleeping.
1343 - The next time the party mistakes the prison on the map for a plaza, let it stay; the pirates and beggars were enough.
1344 - Auto-success tied to a natural twenty no longer applies when rolling bluff checks to get the dragon to believe that it hasn't given you your reward yet.
1345 - No more blowing holes in the top of the very expensive hotel just to get back at the undead and decapitated evil ranger, even if it does deal over a hundred damage to the vicious giant thing summoned by the evil cultist.
1346 - Cannot create a "to-buy" list including four horses, a carriage, four repeating crossbows, and metal sheets.

MandibleBones
2007-01-01, 01:33 AM
1347) No matter how high my Bluff modifier, I cannot convince the vampire that he's being turned by brandishing a bottle of Reisling and invoking the name of Dionysus.

Rockphed
2007-01-01, 02:08 AM
1348) I cannot kill a paladin by summoning a pipe organ with summon instrument. Not even if the paladin is overly annoying.

MandibleBones
2007-01-01, 02:11 AM
1349) A piano, however, is dramatically appropriate and will be allowed.

Winged One
2007-01-01, 02:27 AM
1350: It is an evil act to leave the prisoners shackled when the gnome laughs maniacally.
1351: Even if they are stinking werewolves whose minons would have killed one of ours if I hadn't used Forbidden Magictm to tell the cleric that he was down.
1352: In retrospect, giving the mantle of party leadership to a tempermental mercenary warmage may have been a bad idea.
1353: The frequency of the DM granting circumstance bonuses is inversely proportional to the frequency of our asking for them.
1354: Never, ever take the first deal the Lord of the Ninth offers.
1355: I cannot put skill points into Knowledge(how to mess up evil magical rituals).
1356: That is a function of Spellcraft.

Meynolds
2007-01-01, 02:38 AM
1360 - I may not attack the person who paid me...:smalleek:
1361 - ...especially if a LG teammate has an equal grapple modifier...:smallconfused:
1362 - ...and a deadly +4 weapon...:smallannoyed:
1363 - ...and a chance at a coup-de-gras...:smallfurious:
1364 - ...and a strength of 18.:smallfrown:
1365 - DM: I must never allow a character to throw people again...
1366 - ...especially at major villains.

Green Bean
2007-01-01, 06:51 AM
1350) a character who is a multiclassed dread pirate/ninja is not compelled to fight himself

1351) you are not allowed to 'accidently' let your neck fall in a vampire's mouth seconds before the rest of the party kills him in order to get undead powers

Zonac
2007-01-01, 10:08 AM
1352. Not allowed to shout "food's ready!" when the party members are tied up on the table.
1352a. I may not season the party members.
1353. I will not keep all of the party's lost blood in a bottle.
1354. I will not use a bluff check to make the villain give me his army.
1355. I may not eat fellow party members.
1356. Just because a bluff check can do anything, doesn't mean I should use it.
1357. If I'm the only one left fighting the main villain, I may not say "Finally they're dead, now I won't feel bad about joining you."
1358. I will not blame my actions on "one of those enimies' spells."
1359. I will not grind up dead enimies for food.
1359a. Even if they are livestock.
1360. I will not sneak attack with a weapon bigger than me.
1361. I will not go running into enemy territory if I'm holding the plot device.
1361a. I will not go running into enemy territory if I think I'm holding a plot device just to see the DM's reaction.
1362. I may not weild a lawn gnome.
1362a. There is no +2 adamantite lawn gnome.
1363. I may not remind the DM about how he pissed himself when we have a low chance of winning.
1364. Although possible, I may not build an airship.
1364a. I may not own an airship.
1364b. I may not rent an airship.
1365. I will not use bluff checks into making someone think I speak their language when I really don't. That's what diplomacy is for.

Benvolio
2007-01-01, 02:09 PM
1366.I am not allowed to use chimestry to make a house fall on the tremere
1367. I am not allowed to use chimestry to re-enact the exploding dildo scene from tank police
1368. as a matter of fact I am not allowed to play a ravenos anymore
1369.I am not allowed to purchase the requisite bureaucracy and transportation influences to drop an actual house on the tremere
1370. even if she does wear red shoes
1371. The Grease spell is not a toy
1372.No one ever wants to see Dancing Tal'Mahe'Ra
1373. I am not allowed to play a character with viscissitude
1374. the oscar mayer weiner song is not a request
1375. the squirrels cannot have dementation
1376. even if you ghoul them
1377. the neonate malkavian cannot be fleshcrafted into a squirrel for the purpose of having a squirrel with dementation
1378. I am never to stick a lasombra and a light source between two mirrors
1379. I am never to wear a mirrored shirt and stand with a flashlight in front of a lasombra at a disco
1380. I am not to shove a flashlight anywhere on or in the lasombra for any reason ever
1381. I am not to shove a lasombra anywhere for any reason ever
1382. as a matter of fact, no more sabbatists
1383 or anarchs
1384 or tremere
1385 reuters hand doesn't do that
1386 there is no such thing as clan porneador
1387 I am not to electroplate any skeletons in excess copper
1388 or to sell copper plated animated skeletons as 'golems'
1389 I am not to craft a bone golem for the purposes of telling the priest of pelor that his god no longer loves him when his turn attempts fail.
1390 there is no such creature as the ethereal felcher
1391 or the astral felcher
1392 the bag of tricks is not to be used for suppository purposes
1393 I am not allowed to have my totem animal be the honey badger
1394 I am not allowed to use searing light in place of detect evil
1395 I am not allowed to use my smite ability with a pillow in place of detect evil
1396 I am not allowed to play palladins anymore
1397 even if they do say jehova
1398 My character's religion cannot be "Jenova's witness" (yes that is spelled correctly)
1399 I cannot play an awakened anything, No mages in white wolf, no animals or plants in d&D, as a matter of fact it might be best if most charatcers spent more time napping.
1400 I am not allowed to use gemcrafting to turn a dbf crystal into any sort of sex toy
1401 Not even for the efreet princess
1402 not even if the DM bought the book of erotic fantasy
1403 I am not to mention that the storyteller owns the book of erotic fantasy
1404 especially in front of the gaming group
1405 or in mixed company
1406 or as a tactic to try to get new players for her campaign
1407 I am not to refer to the the circle of witches as an 'easy bake coven'
1408 nor am I allowed to bake said witches
1409 nor cover them in frosting
1410 I am not allowed to test expressions
1411 no light testing pitch
1412 no checking stone golems for moss
1413 no one is to mention the incident with the coven of witches and the thermometers ever again
1414 I am not to sell the monsters in the dungeon
1415 my response to an adventure in 'the trackless swamps' should not be to take craft mapmaking craft engineering and hire a dwarven road crew
1416 I am not allowed to rename it to the tracked swamps
1417 this goes also for the trackless desert
1418I am not allowed to take a dwarven mining crew and sell the marble dungeon block by block
1419 even if it is in the middle of a swamp and mable is at a premium
1420 I am not allowed to sell the 10ft deep and 200 by 100 ft hole with the nice solid basalt foundation where the marble dungeon used to be
even if land is at a premium in the trackless swamp
1421 I am not allowed to set up "a convenient roadside pit stop" where the keep used to be
1422 I am not allowed to sell maps to the rest stop in the trackless swamp
1423 I am not allowed to sell the monsters
1424 I am not allowed to sell the npcs
1425 I am not allowed to sell slow or unobservant pcs
1426 I am not allowed to sell anything that qualifies as scenery
1427 I am not allowed to hire a bard to write a story about the whole endeavor for the purpose of selling the theme, mood and characters of the adventure "for completeness sake"
1428 I am not to use my hard won team of crack roadbuilders to get lucrative government contracts, nor can I list the trackless swamp in any brochures, ever
1429 I am not to deliberately build roads past particularly thick and ambushy clumps of trees in gnollish territory for purposes coming back later to get exp.
1430 I am not to put a dark altar beneath a crossroads and desecrate it
1431 I am not to arrange for someone's wife to be murdered at the crossroads
1432 I am definitley not to wait at the crossroads for undead to happen
1433 I am certainly not to refer to this process as spawn camping
1434 the evil sacrifice table in the BOVD is not a checklist
1435 The +6 cha +6wis+6 int crown is to be given a suitably impressive name like circlet of eldrich might, not the 'hat of magic power' even if you did make it
1436 a similar rule applies to the +6str +6con +6dex belt of beating people up
1437 under no circumstance should I create the spell "burn elvenhome to the ground"
1438 or any spell that turns positive energy into elemental fire.

Deus Mortus
2007-01-01, 09:47 PM
[Tumbleweed, tumbleweed]

ClericofPhwarrr
2007-01-01, 09:56 PM
[Tumbleweed, tumbleweed]


A) You posted this here... why? Read the thread title, please.
B) Don't mess with the numbering :smallannoyed:
[Tumbleweed, tumbleweed. P.S. When you see a post that violates a forum rule, please report it rather than chastising the poster yourself.]

Meh, I'm probably just taking out some frustration on you... don't take it TOO seriously.

1439. I am not allowed to have either a Sampo (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sampo) or Cornucopia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cornucopia).

Deus Mortus
2007-01-01, 10:24 PM
A) You posted this here... why? Read the thread title, please.
B) Don't mess with the numbering :smallannoyed:
[Tumbleweed, tumbleweed]

Meh, I'm probably just taking out some frustration on you... don't take it TOO seriously.

I figured it would be a nice break in between the other rules and that a small post wouldn't hurt and perhaps make a few people laugh.

The numbering is different because they aren't D&D rules, because like I said before I haven't played it yet.

I forgot how to call them and figured that would get the message across and it seems it did

You probably are and I will take it is a joke...

ClericofPhwarrr
2007-01-01, 10:29 PM
You probably are and I will take it is a joke...

Good call. I'm not normally this ferocious :smallwink:.

Deus Mortus
2007-01-01, 10:36 PM
Good call. I'm not normally this ferocious :smallwink:.

Great, else I would;ve made a new personal record in posts made before I make enemies ;)