A Group Walks Into a Tavern -Joke Collection

[Tim Proctor]

My groups have a habit of walking into taverns and asking for food and beer and adventures, but all they find are jokes, unfortunately they go into them more often now because they think I'm a comedian. So I wanted to offer some jokes and hopefully get a lot more.

***
The group walks into a bar, its dark, musty, and crowded... the lone candles on the walls leave a faint silhouette of people filling the tavern. A bard sits in the corner strumming his lyre singing a song of love gone wrong and the noble that hanged for his lusts. There are X seats open (X = party size) at the bar split around a large muscle bound man covered in spikes in a viking-esque attire, with rune tattooed into his muscular arms.

The man tells the group in a thick nordic/scottish accent as he is obviously fairly drunk:
"You know in the orc wars I killed forty Orcs with my bare hands, put three in a headlock and squeezed until their heads popped off... but do they call me Ragnar the Orc Slayer... Nooooooooo.

"The city walls outside I built with my own hands, many dozen houses in this city I built with my own hands... but do they call me Ragnar the Builder... Nooooooooo.

"Fate is a cruel mistress, people always name you after that one time you F$%* a Goat".

*****
A guy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots... every rogue has whipped out their crossbows and shot the man dead, it seems they each tried to get 10 shots in... I suggest you tread lightly here OR leave.

*****
A Dwarf, a Gnome and an Human are sitting in a bar reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Stonedeep," brags the Dwarf, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in Gemsfield," says the Gnome,"I pay fer two pint's o' mead and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Human, "any Elvish or Orc pub anywhere, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Dwarf. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the human, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

Thus the reason there are half Orcs, half Elves, but no half Elf/Dwarves or Elf/Gnomes.

[Hiro Protagonest]

A group walks into a tavern, looking for adventure. There is a hooded man in one corner, reading a letter.

They walk over and ask him if he needs any help. He picks up his knife on the table, makes a notch on the table edge next to a line of others, and tells them to bug off.

[Arkhosia]

The party walks into the tavern. All of the customers are huddling around a table. It us very quiet.
Further investigation reveals they are watching an intense staring contest or chess game.

[navar100]

A human and an elf walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.

[Arkhosia]

You walk into a bar to see an drunk awakened horse shouting threats to the bartender while his centaur friend trust to calm him down.

[Vitruviansquid]

A wizard, cleric, and rogue walk into a bar.

The fighter walks through it. :smallamused:

[Jay R]

A Druid and a Ranger walk up to a b'ar...

[Craft (Cheese)]

A Dwarf walks out of a Tavern.

[TheStranger]

A dwarf, an elf, and a halfling walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

[Sith_Happens]

As the group approaches the tavern, what appears to be another group of adventurers leaves while talking about how convenient it was that they were all able to meet each other there.

[navar100]

The party enters a tavern.

Bartender: Hey, we don't serve those kind here. They'll have to go.
Party member: Excuse me?
Bartender: Your druids. We don't want them here.

[Tim Proctor]

As the group approaches the tavern, what appears to be another group of adventurers leaves while talking about how convenient it was that they were all able to meet each other there.

^^^ +1

The group walks into a tavern to see a man holding a mug of ale trip spilling it all over himself, he begins to frantically pat himself down searching for an arrow or a dagger and with a tremble of terror says "dear lord please let it be blood, please..... Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo" as he raises his fists to the sky at the atrocity.

[Deophaun]

Oh, what the hell. Bad joke from a stupid house rules thread:



2. For the wizards, the lie was: "We didn't start the bar fight."
In the wizards' defense, they probably saw him use the staff of animate object.

[navar100]

The paladin walks into the tavern and yells: "Drinks for everyone! On me!"
The patrons cheer. The paladin gets a little tipsy and leads a chorus of bar songs. The barmaid sits in his lap and gives him a kiss.

The rogue sits in the corner, staring at his luckblade short sword in one hand, which is now just a +1 sword, and a stick in the other. The wizard sits down next to him. "I told you to be careful what you wish for." Rogue responds, "Shut up." Wizard ignores him. "It's your fault." "Shut up," the rogue barks. "He got his operation" the wizard continues, watching the paladin go up the stairs with two barmaids.

[Krazzman]

The paladin walks into the tavern and yells: "Drinks for everyone! On me!"
The patrons cheer. The paladin gets a little tipsy and leads a chorus of bar songs. The barmaid sits in his lap and gives him a kiss.

The rogue sits in the corner, staring at his luckblade short sword in one hand, which is now just a +1 sword, and a stick in the other. The wizard sits down next to him. "I told you to be careful what you wish for." Rogue responds, "Shut up." Wizard ignores him. "It's your fault." "Shut up," the rogue barks. "He got his operation" the wizard continues, watching the paladin go up the stairs with two barmaids.

I don't get it what the rogue wished for?

[Doorhandle]

They walk up to a bar, and a centaur is having an argument with the innkeeper just outsider it:

"I don't care if you have a shirt and horseshoes! GET OUT OF MY BAR!"

[BWR]

A group walks into a bar-lgura.
They were delicious.


What sort of monster can you bring on planes?
A carry-on crawler.


Why are adventurers so popular?
They're a wandering party.

[Bulhakov]

Maybe you can adapt one of these:
http://www.schiesshouse.com/a_guy_walks_into_a_bar_and_more.htm

[nedz]

The party enters a tavern.

Bartender: Hey, we don't serve those kind here. They'll have to go.
Party member: Excuse me?
Bartender: Your druids. We don't want them here.

Up steps the Beguiler who, after surreptitious casting a spell, says "These are not the Druids you are looking for"

[Codyage]

I don't get it what the rogue wished for?

Maybe he wished to remove the paladin class feature pertaining to a stick in their behind?

[Raimun]

Three members of different races walk in to a bar. They decide to have a contest. The first two manage to complete it pretty well but the third one fails by casting shame to him and every member of his race.

... Too meta?

[Adoendithas]

http://www.weregeek.com/2011/01/26/

[Lucid]

One I've posted here before:
An elf walks into a tavern, bets 500gp no one can drink 10 dwarven ales in a row.
The tavern patrons fall silent, one dwarf even gets up and leaves.
Half an hour later he comes back and asks the elf: "Does yer offer still stand?"
"Aye", says the elf and orders the drinks. Sure enough, the dwarf downs them all in rapid succession, not wasting a single drop.
Afterwards the elf pays him and says: "My congratulations, but you do have to tell me, why did you leave at first?"
"Well", the dwarf says, "I went to the inn across th' street, had to see if I could do it first.

[The Oni]

So the whole party is dead at the beginning of the campaign, and we've all been drafted into the service of Pharasma. Once she's popped out for a bit, Orc Samurai remarks that the whole place is really creepy and and that Pharasma's Aspect is kind of a bitch. The Tengu Cleric says it's probably just because she's busy.

The Undine Fighter says "Hey, you don't have to apologize for her." The Paladin-hating Tiefling Barbarian leans over and says "He's a Cleric; apologizing for gods is all he does!"

[Erasmas]

A human, an elf, and a dwarf sit at a bar in a local tavern. The barkeep slides an ale in front of each of them, as per their orders. As the fates would have it, three flies happen into the tavern and land... each one separately into each drink!

The elf pushes his tankard away in disgust, unable to drink such a tainted brew. The human picks the fly out of his, shrugs and begins heartily downing the beverage. The dwarf, very gingerly, reaches into his tankard and picks out the fly. Then, holding it by its wings over the top of his ale, he screams, "Spit it out, you little b@st@rd! Spit it out!!!"

[navar100]

Baba Yaga's tavern walks into an adventuring party . . .

[Traab]

"Your party walks into a tavern. Everyone roll for damage. And next time try the door."

[Bulhakov]

A friend just suggested the shortest dwarf bar joke:

"A dwarf walks out of a bar."

[Adoendithas]

A Dwarf walks out of a Tavern.
Missed it by that much. ;)

[Arkhosia]

A friend just suggested the shortest dwarf bar joke:

"A dwarf walks out of a bar."

Inside, you see a odd lack of alchohol

[Janus]

Here's one I used for an NPC:

The minstrel, better known as Fabiano the Fantastic, laughs a good-natured laugh at the drunkard's request.
"Ah, good sir, there are many ballads regarding those of the fairer sex!" He tips his hat to the ladies in the bar. "And we have already performed the ever popular 'The Lusty Lizardfolk Maid' not once, but thrice this eve! It is time for something of a more goodly nature!"
His associates pipe in-
"I once lived in a rickety shack!"
"My life was in the pits!"
"But then I met a lively girl!"
"Who had such mountainous-"
"SHUT UP!" Fabiano shouts, utterly silencing his companions. He promptly returns to his usual hammy nature.
"My friends! Let us join together in song to send the Fabled Fourth Wall on a merry journey to the Nine Hells themselves!"
He strums his mandolin and begins to sing a jaunty tune:
This is a song of a noble lass
Who greatly favored the Fighter class
But the people *****ed she wasn't optimized
So she looked 'em right in the eyes
And said 'Screw thyselves, why vex ye me?
'A fighter's better than huggin' a tree
'Better to be underpowered than crapping on the setting
'So run off home and soil thy bedding!'


A human, an elf, and a dwarf sit at a bar in a local tavern. The barkeep slides an ale in front of each of them, as per their orders. As the fates would have it, three flies happen into the tavern and land... each one separately into each drink!

The elf pushes his tankard away in disgust, unable to drink such a tainted brew. The human picks the fly out of his, shrugs and begins heartily downing the beverage. The dwarf, very gingerly, reaches into his tankard and picks out the fly. Then, holding it by its wings over the top of his ale, he screams, "Spit it out, you little b@st@rd! Spit it out!!!"
Dude, that was amazing. Made me laugh out loud. :smallbiggrin:

[TheFallenOne]

A druid wildshaped into a horse walks into a tavern. Barkeeper says 'Why the long face?'

A dwarf walks into a tavern, bleeding from dozen of wounds and close to death. He orders the strongest, most vicious stuff they have. He gulps it down glass after glass, his wounds healing with every shot until there's not a scratch on him. Everyone looks at him dumbstruck.
'What?' he snaps. 'That damn fireball got all me snakes so a couldn't do it myself.'
reference to Trouserfang, a Poison Healer build

A group of bards walks into a tavern. Everyone had a jolly good time.

[Slipperychicken]

Why are resurrection spells so popular with adventuring groups?

They're the life of the party.

[Ekul]

A group walks into a Bard. He joins their party.

[DrewID]

I have a (in)famous (among my players) joke ending that group hears as they enter a tavern:

"And the elf says, 'It's a trick; you count the legs and divide by four.'"

DrewID