View Full Version : Murphy must have been an epic diviner.

2006-12-29, 05:17 AM
How else could all those predictions have come true?

Seriously, the "Things I can't do while gaming thread" got me thinking about a similar type of list: Murphy's Law, adapted for DnD. There are many laws adapted to everyday life after the original "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong" rule, like "Everything good in life is illegal, immoral, or fattening" and "the repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before." I was wondering if anyone else had run into some rules of thumb in their games to make the old pessimist proud... Here are a few of mine, I'll post more later.

1. It's only funny until someone resurrects him...
2. The healer always goes first.
3. The nescessary and dramatic "long shot" will invariably crit fail.
4. The rogue will cry wolf one too many times.
5. The game always sides with the hidden flaw.
6. The game always sides with the undetected trap.
7. The DM always sides with the DM.
8. The doppleganger is always in the last place that you look - for the fifth time.
9. The hooded cloak is always bad news.
10. The glow and shrieks around the corner never involve the 4th of July.
11. The one girl willing to talk to you in the bar will have the Vow of Chastity feat.
12. The dragon always wakes up.
13. There is no nameless NPC that is not susceptible to bribes.
14. The eccentric old man is either a psychotic beggar or an epic caster. Either way, this won't end well.
15. If it's described as dark energy, it won't work for the party.
16. The sniper is always on the worst possible roof.
17. Most kingdoms have a nasty habit of locking up the treasuries.
18. You're never saving the princess from something temporary.
19. An army of barbarians can become an army of raging barbarians on any round.
20. Diplomacy never works if they're using siege weapons.
21. Diplomacy never works if they're on fire.
22. Diplomacy never works if they're dead.
23. Diplomacy never works on the DM.
24. Every class has an ability that will never be used.
25. Every race has a defining characteristic that can be mocked.
26. Rage tends to not work as an icebreaker in a civil discussion.
27. Niether does fireball.
28. No PC ever wishes for something balanced.
29. No PC ever gates in something balanced.
30. No good ever came from a team of gnomes and a bag of holding.
31. The BBEG is never interested in a sit-down debate.
32. The NPC's never need disguise checks.
33. The rogue always gets the blame.
34. The rogue is always to blame.
35. Nothing good ever started with "Ok, i'm going to use divine metamagic..."

See what you can come up with. Or not.. maybe it's too similar to the other list, but this one includes stuff in the game in general.

2006-12-29, 06:28 AM
hehehe, nice :)

2006-12-29, 10:48 AM
36. The spell Wraithstrike is a class ability of dragons.

No, really. I've never fought a dragon without it in the last three years.

2006-12-29, 10:54 AM
36. The spell Wraithstrike is a class ability of dragons.

No, really. I've never fought a dragon without it in the last three years.

37. The spell Wraithstrike is a class ability of Telok's DM.

2006-12-29, 10:55 AM
19. An army of barbarians can become an army of raging barbarians on any round.

That gives me an idea...

-Oh, and 38. The Kobold your party just encountered alone in the blood-soaked dungeon isn't named Deekin. He's named Pun Pun.

2006-12-29, 11:44 AM
39) Zane will ALWAYS betray the party.
40) First Door on the right always has something useful behind it.
41) Any door on the left spells doom.
42) Attempting to steal books from wizards is death
43) Consequences come of your actions. Especially if they advance the plot.
44) No, you can not redeem Vecna.

2006-12-30, 12:51 AM
45)That chanting monk is probably a bad sign
46)When a sleeping goblin shouts "Shut up!" and manages to kill another goblin by throwing a pillow, its best to assume the sleeping goblin is not a normal one.
46)Pentagrams are never good.
47) If the chanting monk you just killed has his blood form into a pentagram it would have probably been a better idea just to pass him by.

I hope these qualify. All from one of my campaigns I ran. The goblin was a frenzied berserker with a nice huge con store, though he had -100 HP at one point so I decided he just exploded.

2006-12-30, 12:59 AM
48) whoever the BBEG is, he's never a level 20 fighter.
BMW N46 HISTORY (http://www.bmw-tech.org/wiki/BMW_N46)

2006-12-30, 01:04 AM
A few for my fellow barbarians...
49) If you rage, you will wish you had your full AC.
50) If you do not rage, you will wish you had the extra hitpoints.
51) If you rage, your teammates will kill all the enemies in the next round. If you choose not to rage, the enemies will continue to prevail until you finally give in and rage, at which point they will die easily and you will wish you had saved it. This will especially happen if you only get one rage a day.
52) The above applies for pretty much anything you can only do once a day.
53) The cleric will always roll high on his "Cure Critical Wounds" spells after combat. He will always roll low when you're about to come out of rage and die.
54) If you forgot to check the door for traps, the door is trapped.
55) If you forgot to check the room for traps, the room is trapped.
56) If you forgot to include a rogue in your party, everything is trapped.
57) Lycanthrope PCs will always fail their control shape checks when their human form is most needed.
58) The NPC you decided to trust will betray you.

I'll probably have more later.

2006-12-30, 01:08 AM
39) Zane will ALWAYS betray the party.
40) First Door on the right always has something useful behind it.
41) Any door on the left spells doom.

So by slightly turning, you can put useful things behind every door?

2006-12-30, 01:17 AM
So by slightly turning, you can put useful things behind every door?

Unfortunately, Spacial reasoning doesn't work that way, it all depends on how the map is facing my friend.

2006-12-30, 01:28 AM
59) The 50% miss chance will suceed 95% of the time for enemies, and 5% of the time for PCs.
60) If it can explode, it will at some point.
61) Cursed die spread the curse rapidly.

2006-12-30, 04:34 AM
Ooh! i forgot the most important one
62) No matter how low it seems arcane spell failure translates into you failing your spells 90% of the time.

2006-12-30, 05:00 AM
63. Going down a dark alley is never a good idea.

2006-12-30, 05:05 AM
64. Th efirst NPC you meet is important.
65. If you like him he's evil.
66. A 1 on a climb check is bad on a mountainside.
67. A warforged with adamantine body should not be tethered to the party while climbing a mountainside.
68. You know what? Don't climb mountains.

2006-12-30, 09:20 AM
69) Rocks will fall, everyone will die.

2006-12-30, 09:22 AM
70) Just when you think your enemy is dead, his friends come to play.

2006-12-30, 11:39 AM
71.) Regardless of what it says in the Manual, all solitary animals will have a pack of friends that arrive just as you attack or just as you kill it.

2006-12-30, 02:49 PM
Ooh! i forgot the most important one
62) No matter how low it seems arcane spell failure translates into you failing your spells 90% of the time.
Cool! 99% Arcane Failure, Here I come! :smalltongue:

2006-12-30, 04:02 PM
72. No, there isn't an explanation why only mages don't get armor. Deal with it.
73. Druids do everything. You don't.
74. Good drow die. That's why you don't see them often.
75. Don't try to use science in DnD; it only makes things worse.

2006-12-30, 07:26 PM
76. Although the statistical chances of a natural 20 and a natural 1 are the same, the real chances of a natural 1 coming up on your dice is higher than the chances of a natural 20 coming up. Unfortunately for you, the reverse is true for the DM.

2006-12-30, 09:48 PM
77) Creatures will ALWAYS confirm criticals on you, you will ALWAYS fail your confirmation rolls.

Mattarias, King.
2006-12-31, 12:36 AM
^ Ouch. So true.

78) The first time yo do something dramatic, you WILL botch it with a natural 1.

2006-12-31, 12:48 AM
79) Anytime you gain a big level, there's always a vampire waiting to give you a hug and kiss.
80) The minute you gain the perfect blend of magic spells is the minute a monster with an anti magic shell is walking around the corner.

2006-12-31, 01:26 AM
Shazabaa, you have been sig'd

A Pointy Object
2006-12-31, 02:41 AM
80.5: Where there's a will, there's probably a scheming necromancer nearby waiting to turn your unsuspecting party into his new minions.

2007-01-01, 10:14 PM
81.) You may NOT start hacking random parts off Vecna and attaching them to your body "to see what happens".

2007-01-01, 11:27 PM
82) If you ever roll a natural 20 when performing an action that requires multiple skill checks, you will roll a 1 on the next one.

My Ninja character: I'm going to jump up the rotted stairs. Ooo, nat. 20!
DM: Nice! Make a Balance check to see if you land on your feet.
Me: Ack! Natural 1!
DM: You fall through the stairs as if the wood was made of dust. Make a Reflex save to try and grab something.
Me: W00T! another 20!
DM: Alright, you manage to grab a stone part of the floor instead of falling into the basement.
Me: I'm gonna use my super ninja-ness to jump back to where I started. I can only fail on a...son of a b!tch! another 1. I'm stuck prone in the basement with the frakking spider, aren't I?
DM: Actually, you happened to be right over the trapdoor to the sewers. The good news is, the...er...water you land in cushions your fall. The bad news is, you're prone, you've dropped your sword, and you're surrounded by angry-looking wererats.
Me: Well...sh!t.
DM: Oh yeah, you're drowning in that, too.

2007-01-02, 12:14 AM
75. Don't try to use science in DnD; it only makes things worse.

Catgirls! Catgirls! Catgirls!

2007-01-02, 12:16 AM
Thats it, I'm adding a catgirl race to my D&D games; everytime someone in the game says something logical, a bolt of lightnight will randomly strike one of them. Wonder how long it will take for them to catch on...
Buy No2 (http://vaporizers.net/no2-vaporizer/)

2007-01-02, 12:17 AM
There is a Catfolk race already, isn't there?

2007-01-02, 12:20 AM
Yeah, but the chick in the art looks more like a were-cat than a anime cat-girl.

2007-01-02, 12:20 AM
Yes. It's in RotW.

[Edit: Dang, too late]

A Pointy Object
2007-01-02, 12:22 AM
There's already a cat-based race. In fact, there's two:

Catfolk (+1 LA, described in Races Of The Wild and Miniatures Handbook), and Tibbits (+0 LA, Dragon Compendium).

2007-01-02, 04:43 AM
Curses, Dragon Magazine, Oh Hater of all DM's!

2007-01-03, 05:41 AM
I'm back! Here are some more:

86: You'll never have the weapon that bypasses the DR.
87: The wizard's new creation will go nuts.
88: The newly discovered species is either better than you, out to kill you, or both.
89: Your build will get errata'd into the land of suck right before you get to the good level.
90: When the DM winces, it's never because he's pinched a nerve.
91: The guy you punched in the bar will invariably be related to the king.
92: The one least suited to the ambush will stand watch.
93: The fire is never illusory.
94: The horde of enemies is never illusory.
95: The dragon will eventually attack the town if for no other reason than kicks and giggles.
96: Rumbling is never, ever good.
97: Especially if the ground is shaking too.
98: The dilapidated building is housing environ hazards, undead, a creepy guy, or all three.
99: The enemies can try to use the artifact to end all creation, but when the PC's decide to destroy it, then the gods care.
100: The last words you are ever going to hear are usually "Huh, I didn't prepare that spell today. No one ever needs that spell."
101: The chances of a party memeber getting hit with a horribly debilitating status effect are directly proportional to the distance between the party and anything or anyone who can cure that status effect.
102: The other last words you are likely to hear are typically "Ok... wait, we seem to be out."
103: Or perhaps: "Whoops! Oh crap... duck!"

2007-01-03, 06:06 AM
104. When rolling random treasure you are the one likely to get the +5 holy unholy bastardsword, that is if you are good or evil.

105. When a creature attacks you, the only critical hit it will make is with it's scythe. That or the boulder it hurls at you. Either case, it will be a half ogre that is power-attacking.

2007-01-03, 08:31 AM
106. During a pitched battle your cleric(who is your party's only character who can resurrect), will fail all his saves against death magic.

2007-01-03, 02:08 PM
107. When your DM brings a friend to the game who will be playing the role of an important NPC, so the NPC can be "played properly" you should begin rolling a new character because this is not going to end well.

2007-01-03, 05:05 PM
I'm very surprised that nobody has mentioned Murphy's Laws of Combat yet. I could slightly alter a bunch of them for DND purposes, but as I'm too lazy to do more than a few, here's a link instead. A collection of Murphy's Laws (http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-war.html)

108. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you generally don't care.

109. If you survive the BBEG, it will often be the most insignificant little monster that somehow manages to kill you.

110. There are 'old' PCs and 'bold' PCs, but there are no 'old, bold' PCs.

2007-01-03, 10:25 PM
111. Any group of NPCs similar to the PCs will be brutally murdered by the PCs because, let's face it, the one thing PCs can't stand is other PCs.
112. The important NPC never dies quietly.
113. When you take a leak in the forest and the tree moves, your day has gone to hell.
114. The party tank is always the one who falls in.
115. The halfling is always the one who has to pull him out.
116. The armor will never quite "jive" with your dex modifier.
117. If you hear evil chuckling behind the door, you need to try the other door.
118. If the monster has SR, it's impervious to wizard PCs no matter how low the SR is.
119. When in doubt, start slaying catgirls.
120. Despite the 50/50 ratio of good to bad cards, nothing good has come from a deck of many things.
121. How random an action is is propotional to both how dangerous it is and the likelyhood that a PC will take that action.
122. There are no friendly races that make a chittering noise.
123. There are no friendly races with tentacles.
124. Remember that any NPC can go epic at the DM's command.
125. Party mechanics work as well as they do because every PC can do something horrible to every other PC.
126. Better magic than tragic.
127. There is a time to utter the phrase "You know, there's one thing we forgot..." and that time is not the surprise round.
128. No good roleplaying goes unpunished.
129. The DC is always one too high.
130. You'd be surprised what some creatures can do with one remaining hit point.
131. The journal is never bloody because the owner cut himself while whittling.
132. No matter how well armored you are, there's ususally less on your mount. This will be what the enemy attacks.
133. Excalibur notwithstanding, nothing good comes from a lady in a lake in DnD.
134. No matter what the question, when you cast a divination spell and the answer is "all of them," your DM hates you.
135. No matter how simple the action should be, you will fail at least 5% of the time. Applying "Murphymatics" we can see that this is responsible for nearly half of all TPK's.
136. When the rogue looks at his skill selection and cries, that's when you move the tank to the front.
137. When the tank looks at his hit points/wounds bar and cries, it's time to get the healer over there.
138. When the wizard looks at his spells for the day and cries, it's time to go to bed or watch him get eaten.
139. When the healer looks at his spells for the day and cries, chances are it's because you're bleeding and you no longer care.
140. When the gnome looks at his machine and cries, you may begin breathing again. You may also need a mop.

2007-01-09, 03:53 AM
141. If you remind the DM about it, it was bad for you.
142. The invisible enemy always targets the character with the lowest HP/saves.
145. If you build for AC, the enemies will force saves.
145.5. If you build for saves, the enemies will bonk you.
146. Any really awesome magic item the enemy had, had charges. Which are now used up. Enjoy your stick.

2007-01-09, 11:16 AM
147. If the enemies split their party, some will get away. If the PCs split the party, everyone will die.
148. The coward will always get hit most.
149. The coward will always die first.

2007-01-09, 01:18 PM
150. Everything good in DnD is either illegal, immoral, or munchkined.
151. Where there's a will, there's a save.
152. When the bad guy does something that doesn't make sense to the characters, it involves being either a genius or insane. When the PC does something out of character, it's because he's metagaming.
153. The squeaky wheel may get the grease, but it's also the first to discover how high the enemy spellcaster's DCs really go.
154. If it's described as "narrow," it's a trap.
155. If it's described as "wide open," it's an ambush.
156. If it's described as "deserted," it's not.
157. If it's described as "odd," "creepy," "spooky," "bizzare," or "not right," it's all three.

Green Bean
2007-01-09, 01:41 PM
158. Elucidean architecture is too much to hope for in a dungeon

Lial Swiftlight
2007-01-10, 12:14 PM
159: "Healing magic" is another term for "delaying the inevitable".
160: No, you can't manage just one more fight before resting.
161: The only character to die on a regular basis is the one that can cast "raise dead".
162: The DM only remembers you didn't roll arcane spell failure when your life depends on it.
163: The players will find they've accidentally created a party of all-spellcasters the same night the DM starts his love affair with antimagic fields.
164: The higher your save DCs, the more likely your enemies are to know spell turning.
165: If a ranger is reincarnated, he will invariably come back as his favored enemy.
166: The same goes for any PC with a specific beef with one particular race.
167: DC 4 checks are harder than DC 40 checks when your life depends on them.
168: The only difference between a hero and a suicidal idiot is a lucky die roll.

2007-01-10, 12:25 PM
169. The fighter complains about magic.
170. The wizard complains when you rebalance for the fighter.

2007-01-10, 12:30 PM
171. When you need a DM, the biggest powergamer will volunteer.
172. All people in positions of authority are traitors/heretics who are plotting against you.

2007-01-10, 01:15 PM
173. Just when you decide to make heavy use of sleep and fear your DM will put an old crypt full of undead in your way.
174. If you decide to use your last sleep on the enemy group, a more dangerous enemies will appear after a while.
175. If you remove prepared spell at resting, you will require it the next day.

2007-01-11, 01:35 AM
176. There are no small character roles, only small characters. Literally.
177. The rogue will never have seen a trap quite like this before.
178. The evil outsider is much more likely to use his powers on you than the good one.

2007-01-11, 08:32 AM
179. Your new character is NOT related to the epic character you played in the last campaign.
180. If you killed the BBEG early in the campaign, the DM has been bluffing about that NPC being the real BBEG.
181. Not every magic weapon found in random treasure is a +1 longsword, only 70% of them are. <-- back in 2E haha
182. The "human form" of your PC werewolf is not dragon/ogre/minotaur. The "human form" is actually "human" :smallfurious:
183. If you cast it, they will save.
184. The enemy always makes a saving throw when he needs to.
185. Any monster 2 size categories larger than you will inevitably swallow a PC and use another unconcious PC as a club against the remaining party members!
186. At 1st level, if a vampire invites YOU into HIS house at night because there are much WORSE things outside, and he is actually helping you, DO NOT try to tell him what to do! Those dead bodies were his dinner. Be lucky you are not one of them!
187. The campaign is never over, you just get tired of the storyline.
188. If your mortal character is so powerful they can slay 10 greater Gods from the Deities and Demigods handbook, your DM has effectively added 200HD to each of the deities without telling you. He will let you learn the hard way :smallbiggrin:
189. You ARE limited on creating magic items by your XP total and wealth. Your grandfather/mentor/hero/Elminster never taught you how to forge a legendary powerful item without adhering to your mortal limits.

2007-01-11, 08:37 AM
190. Anyone who calls you "friend" isn't one.