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View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY D&D Vending Machine XXVII: Some Assembly Required



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Dire Moose
2015-01-28, 12:40 PM
You get a tachyon distortion in the warp field coils, which may have to be fixed by venting plasma into the phase inducers.

I insert a woolly mammoth.

inuyasha
2015-01-28, 01:20 PM
You get a naked mole rat

I insert the american education system

Groundhog
2015-01-28, 04:27 PM
You get a horde of factory workers.

I insert someone else's sense of propriety.

Dudeons
2015-01-28, 05:12 PM
You get someone else's property. That could be awkward.

I insert feminism.

goto124
2015-01-28, 09:28 PM
You get a butch woman who may or may not be a lesbian, lecturing you on how you're dehumanising females by using sexual innuendos such as 'insert'.

I insert OW OW AHH WHAT DID I DO WRONG HELP STOP SLAPPING ME OWWWW

*winces in pain*

Sorry, I mean I put in a stick of pink lipstick.

YossarianLives
2015-01-29, 01:03 AM
You get dancing skeleton named George.

I insert a moldy carrot.

Zaydos
2015-01-29, 01:47 AM
You get a vegepygmy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegepygmy) version of a rabbit.

I insert the life force of a god pulled forcefully from its body by the darkest of magical arts.

Inevitability
2015-01-29, 04:46 AM
You get an evil alignment.

I insert a levitating ogre.

The_Ditto
2015-01-29, 11:29 AM
I insert a levitating ogre.

You get a lighter vending machine.

I insert an old Sega Genesis game console.

Dire Moose
2015-01-29, 01:58 PM
You get a horde of rabid Sonic fans. Not a pretty sight considering the kind of things that fandom is into.

I insert That Guy.

Dudeons
2015-01-29, 02:08 PM
You get a pair of glasses.

I insert The Man.

Groundhog
2015-01-29, 04:01 PM
You get a stick.

I insert a circus tent.

SpeedWitch
2015-01-29, 09:01 PM
You get a mantis shrimp.

I insert the feelings of sadness and surprise I got after reading Marvel's House of M.

neriractor
2015-01-30, 12:52 AM
you get hugs and cookies


I insert the tarrasque

Zaydos
2015-01-30, 12:54 AM
You get an invitation to the gnomes' barbeque now that they are eating "infinitely regenerating monster burgers."

I insert this evil alignment I got. Since I was already evil it must have been some other person's and maybe the gnomes can reunite the two.

neriractor
2015-01-30, 02:14 AM
you get a vile alignment evil+evil=vile

I insert the thing im gonna get next

goto124
2015-01-30, 07:16 AM
The machine spits it back at you, and the item dissolves in your hands. What was it? We'll never know.

I insert Schrodinger's cat, complete with the box.

The_Ditto
2015-01-30, 09:12 AM
I insert Schrodinger's cat, complete with the box.

You get a NULL pointer exception.

I insert Stephen Hawking.

Groundhog
2015-01-30, 09:41 AM
You get Stephen Hawking in an awesome robot suit instead of a wheelchair.

I insert an episode of The Twilight Zone.

Dudeons
2015-01-30, 12:39 PM
You get LSD.

I insert a DJ.

Hiro Protagonest
2015-01-30, 12:53 PM
You get J.D. from Scrubs.

I insert a jack-o-lantern.

Zaydos
2015-01-30, 12:58 PM
You receive a rather angry person with a horse but without a head.

I insert the X-Files.

Dire Moose
2015-01-30, 01:31 PM
You get the ALIENS guy from the History Channel.

I insert a humongous mecha.

The_Ditto
2015-01-30, 02:02 PM
I insert a humongous mecha.

You get a re-run of Voltron.

I insert Spongebob Squarepants.
(I squeeze that little sucker through the thin coin slot ... ) :smallbiggrin:

Inevitability
2015-01-31, 05:13 AM
You get several pre-packed scour pads.

I insert a bearowl. It's like an owlbear, but the other way around.

goto124
2015-02-01, 06:01 AM
You get a bear, an owl, and a mad self-proclaimed wizard-scientist.

I insert a dumbphone. You know, those old handphones that can't access the internet, and don't even have touchscreens.

Zaydos
2015-02-01, 10:06 AM
You receive some strange and archaic contraption which seems advertise that it will walk your human but apparently needs a cassette of some sort.

I insert the G1 Decepticons. Except for Starscream, he helped the Autobots more often than not.

Groundhog
2015-02-02, 01:44 PM
You get a mint-condition, still in the boxes set of action figures.

I insert a squeegee.

inuyasha
2015-02-02, 07:36 PM
You get a very squeamish gnome.

I insert my newest Giantitp thread.

Woodzyowl
2015-02-02, 08:24 PM
You get some rope from the Flying Dutchman.

I insert a gaggle of grapes.

goto124
2015-02-02, 10:01 PM
You get a glass of red wine. It giggles.

I insert Bozzok's thigh-high boots.

Twelvetrees
2015-02-03, 09:26 AM
You get an angry Crystal golem.

I insert an arrow.

Inevitability
2015-02-03, 10:49 AM
You get a pointy stick.

I insert the Class and Level Geekery Thread.

goto124
2015-02-03, 10:26 PM
You get mathematicans calculating the amount of gold required to make a Crystal Golem, while she beats me into a pulp.

I insert a cry for help.

Woodzyowl
2015-02-04, 12:54 AM
You get crickets.

I insert all the sleep I'm not getting.

goto124
2015-02-04, 03:05 AM
You get a King's Coil bed. Make a Will save against the Sleep effect.

I insert a potato.

The_Ditto
2015-02-04, 08:55 AM
I insert a potato.

You don't get any cake.

I insert Teller (Penn won't fit).

ezkajii
2015-02-04, 02:15 PM
You get another of both Penn and Teller. Yes, this could create an infinite loop of magical entertainment.

I insert exactly six electrons.

braveheart
2015-02-04, 02:49 PM
the machine feels negatively about this


I insert precisely 356 protons

Dudeons
2015-02-04, 02:57 PM
The vending machine gnomes fire proton packs at you, crossing the streams and killing you.

I insert the largest remaining piece of braveheart's corpse.

Twelvetrees
2015-02-04, 08:49 PM
You get a physical piece of defiance.

I insert an ethereal piece of defiance.

goto124
2015-02-04, 10:52 PM
A shadow slinks out of the machine slot, wraps itself around you, and whispers in your ear,

I'm Chaotic Good.

I insert a portable iPhone charger.

Daws2727
2015-02-04, 11:37 PM
You won a brand new car!!!

I insert a small ziploc bag.

Dire Moose
2015-02-05, 01:54 AM
You get a sandwich.

I insert a dire rat.

braveheart
2015-02-05, 12:19 PM
You get a dire kitten

I insert the dire kitten

Inevitability
2015-02-05, 01:02 PM
You get a dead wizard.

I insert said dead wizard's spellbook.

Dudeons
2015-02-05, 01:42 PM
You get a chain of posts.

I insert a beard made of fish.

Groundhog
2015-02-05, 02:19 PM
You get a beard made of carrots.

I insert a jar of mayo.

goto124
2015-02-05, 10:50 PM
You get a samurai. He summons a rain of mayo.

I insert a scroll of Protection from Law.

Daws2727
2015-02-05, 11:24 PM
You get a ton of bribe money...

I insert a typewriter.

Twelvetrees
2015-02-06, 11:44 AM
You get a charcoal brick.

I insert a crunchy pillow.

neriractor
2015-02-06, 12:03 PM
you get a very sleepy galactus "the world eater"

I insert my house

goto124
2015-02-07, 04:55 AM
You get a Mage’s Magnificent Mansion with bikini-wearing Unseen Servants.

I insert a 'fun' activity.

Woodzyowl
2015-02-07, 03:00 PM
You get a tooth.

I insert a bananaphone.

Twelvetrees
2015-02-07, 07:02 PM
You get a potatophone.

I insert thirty-seven millipedes.

Zaydos
2015-02-07, 07:04 PM
You get 370 centipedes.

I insert eternity.

goto124
2015-02-07, 09:08 PM
You get a melted clock.

I insert the artist responsible for this.

Wiz0rd
2015-02-08, 05:32 PM
You get a looping cassette of nothing but screams.

I insert my legal will.

Dal
2015-02-08, 11:19 PM
You get Wiz0rd's entire estate.

I insert a gun and badge.

Torzini
2015-02-09, 06:23 AM
You get a police baton constructed entirely of doughnut holes.

I insert a Pikachu.

Inevitability
2015-02-09, 04:02 PM
You get several people flying off into the sky.

I insert a leech the size of a corgi.

Zaydos
2015-02-09, 08:00 PM
You receive a thank you note from a gnomish doctor, and a growing concern about their medical science.

I insert Mr. Spock.

goto124
2015-02-10, 01:33 AM
You get Ensign Sue. Wait, more of them roll out of the machine. The voices!

I insert a silencer.

GPuzzle
2015-02-10, 04:56 PM
You get a gunshot. Just a gunshot, no gun, no bullet, nothing to hold it.

I insert a leech-sized corgi.

The Second
2015-02-10, 09:53 PM
You get a purple worm.

I insert Form 1040 EZ.

Woodzyowl
2015-02-11, 10:48 PM
You get Form 101 2EZ.

I insert a half-brick in a sock.

Twelvetrees
2015-02-12, 12:23 AM
You get a dark alleyway.

I insert a pteranodon.

Inevitability
2015-02-12, 04:00 PM
You get a very old bird.

I insert fossilized dinosaur brains.

The Second
2015-02-13, 03:46 AM
You get petrified brains and eggs.

I insert a quarter, a dime, two nickles, and ten Canadian pennies.

Torzini
2015-02-13, 04:06 AM
You get a dollar bill that's been ripped into dozens of little pieces.

I insert five tadpoles.

Woodzyowl
2015-02-13, 08:57 AM
You get a scarf of frogs' fur. You monster.

I insert monstrosity.

goto124
2015-02-13, 09:10 AM
Cthulhu slithers out and complains about how it's not respected anymore.

I cut off a tentacle and insert it.

Zaydos
2015-02-13, 10:10 AM
You receive a note from Yog-Sothoth about how no one ever really respected Cthulhu, he just had good PR for a bit when Derleth hit the scene.

I insert tomorrow.

The Second
2015-02-13, 12:58 PM
Three muppets pop out and sing To Morrow.

I insert a dated reference.

Woodzyowl
2015-02-14, 12:01 AM
You get unsigned *date = 0x14022015; A C programmer is laughing so hard right now.

I insert Snow White without her seven dwarves.

Dudeons
2015-02-14, 12:47 AM
You get a Reese's peanut butter cup without any peanut butter.

I insert a full set of silver dice in a silk bag.

Torzini
2015-02-14, 01:45 AM
You get a human-sized silkworm who asks you if you want to play D&D with him and his silkworm buddies.

I insert a partly full bottle of glue that some snotty kid has been eating out of.

goto124
2015-02-14, 10:33 AM
The snotty kid climbs out of the machine. He's smelling the glue now.

I insert a baby emperor penguin.

Inevitability
2015-02-14, 11:48 AM
You get a baby polar bear.

I insert a rubik's cube.

The Second
2015-02-15, 12:09 AM
You get Lemarchand's box.

I insert a scratched Avatar DVD.

Groundhog
2015-02-15, 03:55 PM
You get angry smurfy-cats.

I insert a foreign-laguage edition of Harry Potter.

goto124
2015-02-15, 09:20 PM
You get an angry Voldemort complaining about how he can't keep the same name in foreign-language versions of Harry Potter.

I insert a Macbook Air.

Torzini
2015-02-15, 09:26 PM
You get a Macbook hurtling through the air...not for very long though. Oopsies.

I insert Norman Reedus.

The Second
2015-02-16, 12:47 AM
You get Norman Bates playing a reed flute.

I insert Norman's mother.

Dire Moose
2015-02-18, 01:16 AM
You get stabbed.

I insert bears that shoot laser beams out of their eyes.

SpeedWitch
2015-02-18, 04:47 PM
You get them back, and notice they are now equipped with monkeys in each hand and capes that display the beautiful flag design of Canada.

I insert 99 bottles of milk.

Torzini
2015-02-18, 05:12 PM
You get 99 crying, hungry babies.

I insert a tire swing.

Inevitability
2015-02-19, 02:22 PM
You get a kid in low orbit.

I insert 721 japanese monsters.

Zaydos
2015-02-19, 02:28 PM
You get a color coded team of spandex wearing warriors. I will ignore the fact that you inserted pokemon.

I insert the Greyhawk pantheon.

Twelvetrees
2015-02-21, 01:22 PM
You get the Dark Sun pantheon--wait a second...

I insert nine toasters.

GuesssWho
2015-02-23, 12:29 AM
You get nine rings. Beware Nazgul.

I insert my homebrew.

SpeedWitch
2015-02-23, 01:30 AM
You get arrested for giving out alcohol to underage gnomes.

I insert Mewtwo.

Zaydos
2015-02-23, 01:39 AM
You receive a homebrewed mew (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=17875503&postcount=129).

I insert a bunch of feats and soulmelds.

Inevitability
2015-02-23, 06:37 AM
You get a raging fan angry that MoI died a quiet dead after 3.5.

I insert a bearded kobold.

Torzini
2015-02-23, 02:30 PM
You get an extremely murderous dwarf demanding to know who stole his mum's beard.

I insert a stuffed hippo toy.

goto124
2015-02-25, 10:32 AM
You get a crazy wizard/necromancer riding on a homebrew undead rhino mount. Watch out, it might step on you!

I insert a stacked stack of templates from whatever system has templates.

Zaydos
2015-02-25, 10:36 AM
You receive a stack of Temple Apes. They are Magebred, Half-Dragon, Spellwarped, Half-Troll, and very, very unfriendly.

I insert Dr Doom.

Dire Moose
2015-02-25, 11:00 AM
You get Katy t3h p3ngu1n 0f d00m!!!!!11!!!

I insert an angry badger.

Twelvetrees
2015-02-25, 11:37 AM
You get the angry badger back, after the gnomes get it turned around, which is a process that seems to involve a lot of screams of terror.

I insert a heffalump.

Targ Collective
2015-02-25, 04:31 PM
You get an Oliphaunt.

I insert a Heffalump and Oliphaunt with a note: "These creatures need taxonomising. Taxonomy gnomes, get on it."

goto124
2015-02-25, 11:42 PM
You get another note that reads 'We're on strike!'

Followed by bashing, slicing and the 'om nom nom' sounds of a hundred gnomes.

I insert a Nokia 3310 (aka THE Nokia (http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/229/834/989.jpg)).

Inevitability
2015-02-26, 04:39 AM
You hear what seems to be gnomes enacting the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy with the Nokia.

I insert a gnome disguised as a kobold disguised as a gnome.

GuesssWho
2015-02-26, 04:43 AM
You get an elf dressed as a dwarf dressed as an elf.

I insert Smeagol and a fish.

Torzini
2015-02-26, 04:49 AM
You get Gollum wearing a mermaid suit. That shell bra can never be unseen........

I insert Sun Wukong the Monkey King.

zeifly
2015-02-26, 10:17 PM
You receive a blue monkey, wearing a blue dress, holding a blue foam sword]

I insert the pain of a billion nations

goto124
2015-02-27, 02:14 AM
You get money. A lot of money. And a MasterCard[sup]TM[/sub].

I insert a pikachu.

Zaydos
2015-02-27, 12:25 PM
You get money. A lot of money. And a plush toy.

I insert a basket full of kittens.

Dire Moose
2015-02-27, 02:08 PM
You get arrested for animal cruelty.

I insert a lit stick of dynamite.

@V: Wait a second, I *KABOOM* (dead)

Inevitability
2015-02-28, 07:15 AM
You get the same stick of dynamite, except the fuse is now much shorter.

I insert a white dragon's hoard.

goto124
2015-02-28, 09:07 PM
The gold coins climb out of the machine, holding up signs that read 'WHAT'S WITH THE RACISM?'

I insert the blasted corpse of Dire Moose.

Targ Collective
2015-02-28, 09:10 PM
You get something that *appears* to be Dire Moose, alive and well.

I insert one of those crazy purple Minions from Despicable Me 2. If it doesn't eat the machine first...

Twelvetrees
2015-03-01, 12:23 AM
You hear a thunk, then the buzzing sound of a hair clipper. Moments later, you get the purple minion back, unconscious and shaved bald.

I insert a broken shower head.

Lheticus
2015-03-01, 11:47 AM
You get an incredible torrent of water that pours out of the machine for hours on end.

I insert a towel.

GuesssWho
2015-03-01, 08:40 PM
You get Ford Prefect.

I insert Marvin.

Trevortni
2015-03-02, 04:39 PM
You get a steady stream of depressed vending machine gnomes.

I insert my head.

Lheticus
2015-03-02, 05:16 PM
You receive a mechanical boxing glove to the face. As you reel backwards out of the machine, a note is spat out of it that reads "Nah-ah-ah, no peeking!"

I insert a doorknob in the shape of a diamond.

Trevortni
2015-03-02, 08:02 PM
You receive a diamond in the shape of a doorknob.

I insert Tab A.

Edit: I just saw the three-post rule explained on a different thread. Does that apply to this thread?

Dire Moose
2015-03-02, 11:21 PM
You get an angry letter from the Maintenance Gnomes for putting it in a slot other than Slot B.

Yes, the three-post rule applies here as well, and for your most heinous crime against it, I insert you into the machine.

Zaydos
2015-03-03, 12:01 AM
You receive him from 1 month in the past.

I insert new martial disciplines. I will teach the gnomes the sublime way!

goto124
2015-03-03, 08:17 AM
You get a human monk. She's covered in burns, and tells you, 'Don't... bother... they'll... never... learn....'

I insert pads.

Trevortni
2015-03-03, 12:37 PM
You receive i's.

- - - Updated - - -

I insert two posts in a row, as I didn't know about the three post rule a month ago.

Dire Moose
2015-03-03, 02:53 PM
You get Doc Brown ranting about how disastrous messing around with time travel can be.

I insert several (CENSORED)ing &%$%@#s while I {{scrubbed}} the (expletive deleted) into (DATA EXPUNGED)

Targ Collective
2015-03-03, 08:44 PM
You get told off for using the SCP in an irresponsible manner and barely escape getting demoted to D class.

I insert a wish that the positive wish thread will grow really popular, for the attention of any positive wish twisters in the machine.

Lheticus
2015-03-03, 10:04 PM
You get a note from me that says "Dude. You tried that already. I even helped you!"

I insert a copy of Hyrule Historia.

Zaydos
2015-03-03, 10:08 PM
You receive odd splits in the time stream (LttP's placement is especially odd).

I insert sanity.

Dire Moose
2015-03-04, 10:20 AM
You get absolutely nothing from THIS forum.

I insert Bigfoot.

Trevortni
2015-03-04, 12:50 PM
You receive a Dire Moose.

I insert a query about the positive wish thread.

Lheticus
2015-03-04, 01:32 PM
You get a link to said thread: http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?335867-Positive-wish-twisting-thread-because-not-all-genies-are-jerkasses

I insert a submarine sandwich.

Torzini
2015-03-04, 01:37 PM
You get a kraken munching on an actual submarine, topped with boat-sized slices of bread and cheese.

I insert a silent library.

Zaydos
2015-03-04, 03:12 PM
You receive a loud party.

I insert all of time: past, present, and future.

Inevitability
2015-03-04, 04:23 PM
You get a snake eating its own tail.

I insert a half-dragon oni.

GuesssWho
2015-03-05, 10:02 PM
You get a half-oni dragon.

I insert a skull.

goto124
2015-03-06, 08:58 AM
You get :belkar: roasting you with an Eye of Fear and Flame. Run from the fire!

I insert a chunk of ice.

Trevortni
2015-03-06, 01:12 PM
You receive Ice Cube, who starts rapping about all the movies he's in.

I insert a magazine insert.

Zaydos
2015-03-06, 01:22 PM
You receive 50s cigarettes. Lots and lots of 50s cigarettes.

I insert my stick (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=18864559&postcount=107).

Twelvetrees
2015-03-07, 04:41 PM
You get the tree it came from.

I insert a lawn gnome.

FallenFallcrest
2015-03-07, 05:32 PM
You get a copy of the classic "Be Kind to Gnomes" PSA, on Laserdisk, entirely in Gnomish.

I insert the machine into the machine.

Targ Collective
2015-03-07, 05:54 PM
You'd think it would shrink? Wrong! By connecting the machine with its Inner Void, it grows.

I flatten the energetic waveform of the machine by placing an equal and opposite to its waveform into it. *That's* how you make something cease to exist.

Lheticus
2015-03-07, 06:17 PM
A piece of paper prints out from a slot: "Error 404: Reason whatever it is your doing actually does anything not found."

I insert the concept of inserting something into the machine.

GuesssWho
2015-03-07, 06:29 PM
Where do you insert it? :smalltongue:

I insert the concept of inserting something into the machine into the machine

goto124
2015-03-08, 09:02 AM
The machine burps out a lady barbarian who complains about you insane philosophers.

I insert what little clothes she wears.

Jormengand
2015-03-08, 10:32 AM
You get a leather golem. +2 natural armour to AC!

I insert a greater deity into the machine.

Inevitability
2015-03-08, 11:13 AM
You get several canned divine ranks. Just add primordial energy!

I insert a road that has once been crossed by a chicken.

Dire Moose
2015-03-09, 09:13 AM
You get several pieces of wood chucked at you by a woodchuck.

I insert your mother.

goto124
2015-03-09, 10:31 AM
You get a horde of immature FPS players screaming board-unfriendly insults at you.

I insert an Xbox 360.

enderlord99
2015-03-09, 12:46 PM
You get a horde of immature FPS players screaming board-unfriendly insults at you.

I insert an Xbox 360.

You get an Xbox360Delta/PS4 from an alternate universe in which Microsoft and Sony forged an uneasy alliance in order to stamp out Nintendo (it didn't work.)


I insert Willy Wonka.

Jormengand
2015-03-09, 12:50 PM
You get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!

I insert TPBM.

Dire Moose
2015-03-09, 02:45 PM
AAAAARGHRGAHRAGRGHARGAHRGARARARAARAGRGAHRGHAGRHGGH *sounds of grinding gears and screaming*

You get a badly mangled corpse.

After my Ring of Raise Dead has automatically activated after five minutes, I insert a stegosaurus.

Zaydos
2015-03-09, 02:49 PM
You get a paleontology pamphlet telling you that stegosauruses lived further apart in time from T-rexes than we do. The more you know, and knowing is half the battle.

I insert the other half of the battle.

Inevitability
2015-03-09, 02:55 PM
You get a soldier's lower body.

I insert an Awakened jellyfish with levels in Factotum.

Trevortni
2015-03-09, 04:06 PM
You receive an authentic Tlingit totem pole inscribed with facts about fish-flavored jelly. The pole appears to be awake - and not happy. It gives you a level look.

I insert 192.168.1.1.

Twelvetrees
2015-03-09, 10:15 PM
You get an Anvil of Malice.

I insert a Torosaurus.

Silent Justice
2015-03-09, 10:25 PM
You receive a Badass Greatsword of +10 Plot-bending powers

I insert a psychopathic halfling.

goto124
2015-03-09, 10:32 PM
You get a blue-cloaked figure on stilts, smooching a gender-bender wizard in a red robe. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0316.html)

I insert the stilts.

Trevortni
2015-03-10, 11:38 AM
You receive a speech impediment.

I insert peanut butter jelly - with a baseball bat.

Lheticus
2015-03-10, 01:59 PM
You get Seth MacFarlane.

I insert--GASP--an ordinary dollar bill.

FallenFallcrest
2015-03-10, 02:17 PM
You get nothing because you didn't select your drink/snack. It also ate your dollar because you waited too long.

I insert an orb of annihilation into the machine.

Zaydos
2015-03-10, 07:38 PM
You get an expended rod of cancellation.

I insert the D&D monsters known as hags.

Dire Moose
2015-03-10, 08:29 PM
You get your grandmother.

I insert Bob from Accounting.

goto124
2015-03-10, 08:44 PM
You get Bob the Builder.

I insert a shadow.

Lheticus
2015-03-10, 08:44 PM
You get Ted the Generic Guy.

I insert a ninja. I GET ninja'ed.

GuesssWho
2015-03-10, 10:05 PM
You get a pedantic explanation of why with think of ninjas as wearing all black. It has to do with stagehands for kabuki.

I insert a pitchfork and a very large spoon.

enderlord99
2015-03-10, 10:43 PM
You get a claymore wrapped in a parchment tarp.

I insert the videogame Hand of Fate, alongside a mysterious machine with the phrase "insert cards" flashing on its screen.

Trevortni
2015-03-11, 11:50 AM
You get a sense that the vending machine is waiting for something....

I insert an Ace of Spades, two different video cards, a Get Out Of Jail Free Monopoly card, and a person who is amusing or facetious (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/card?s=t).

Combat Reflexes
2015-03-11, 12:58 PM
You get Lemmy Kilminster playing the playstation 1 and 2 simultaneously with a Jail tarot card taped to the controller.

I insert a piece o' eight and a euro.

Zaydos
2015-03-11, 01:22 PM
You get a pirate and a viking. They demand you bring them alcohol and their ships.

I insert a bunch of kittens. White furred kittens.

Lheticus
2015-03-11, 02:48 PM
You get a man eating, vicious white tiger.

I insert the complete musical score for You Will Know Our Names. (https://youtu.be/mAL4-HZPDcY)

Trevortni
2015-03-11, 02:54 PM
You receive your name, thus proving that the machine does, in fact, know your name.

I insert Isaac Asimov.

enderlord99
2015-03-11, 03:11 PM
You get H.P. Lovecraft, along with an H.P. computer.

I insert Edgar Alan Poe.

Dire Moose
2015-03-11, 03:34 PM
You get a loud squawk and a pile of black feathers.

I insert ULTIMATE ARCANE POWER!

Zaydos
2015-03-11, 03:38 PM
You receive a stampede of liches rushing into the machine to get it before the gnomes can process it.

I insert a crusade of paladins to fight the liches for the lols.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-11, 06:06 PM
You get a 100-foot MechaBlackguardtm.

I insert THE UNIVERSE.

Trevortni
2015-03-11, 06:36 PM
You get recursion (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?310006-D-amp-D-Vending-Machine-XXVII-Some-Assembly-Required&p=18944593#post18944452).

I insert Certs.

goto124
2015-03-11, 11:22 PM
An actress climbs out of the machine, thanks you for the mint, and offers a passionatw kiss. Whether she's attractive or not depends on how you view Hollywood beauty.

I insert the newest MaybellineTM mascara.

GuesssWho
2015-03-12, 01:48 AM
You get a weird brand of makeup someone made after watching the entire series of Hannibal. (No, really, this is a thing.)

I insert makeup based on Blade Runner. (Also a thing. Same person.)

zeifly
2015-03-12, 11:35 AM
You get an Android phone.

I insert BYUI.

Trevortni
2015-03-12, 11:52 AM
You receive an Old Spice parody (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ArIj236UHs). It might be from the wrong campus of Brigham Young University (the machine couldn't tell), but it's amusing enough.

I insert George Bernard Shaw.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-12, 11:56 AM
You get Audrey Hepburn.

I INSERT DEATH.

Lheticus
2015-03-12, 12:08 PM
You get Terry Pratchett. He says "Make up your mind, will ya?!" in reaction to being dragged back into the mortal plane.

I exhale deeply into the machine.

goto124
2015-03-12, 08:11 PM
The machine kisses you passionately. It makes as much sense as you think it does.

I insert breadth mints.

GuesssWho
2015-03-13, 12:22 AM
You get width mints, whatever they are.

I insert my hunger.

Dudeons
2015-03-13, 10:59 AM
You get the Horseman of Famine.

I insert my d20 supernuke.

@V: Twelvetrees, you get a gold star.

Twelvetrees
2015-03-13, 12:46 PM
There's some clunking, pinging, and clanking, and then a rusty, chipped nuclear-powered d20 Iron Man suit is flung out of the machine.

I insert a stripped gear.

Trevortni
2015-03-13, 01:36 PM
You receive a Playgear magazine with your stripped gear as the centerfold.

I ponder this for a moment, then insert a police station.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-13, 02:42 PM
You get a nonfunctional TARDIS prop.

I insert Xykon. (Don't ask how I got him.)

Lheticus
2015-03-13, 05:20 PM
You get a starmetal sword with a green hilt.

I insert one of those pretentious, absurdly expensive curved big screen TVs.

Dire Moose
2015-03-13, 08:25 PM
You get a very offended man in an expensive tuxedo complaining that you spilled his Grey Poupon all over the inside of his Mercedes.

I insert Kanye West.

Trevortni
2015-03-13, 09:22 PM
"You receive a Taylor Swifty," he said countrily - swiftil- umm, rapidly.

I insert the 27th letter of the alphabet.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-13, 09:46 PM
You get an ampersand (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ampersand#History).

I insert an exact copy of the D&D Vending Machine.

(For those who didn't click the link: the & symbol used to be considered as the 27th letter of the English alphabet.)

zeifly
2015-03-13, 10:23 PM
You get a cease and desist letter for copyright infringement.

I insert Nerf Avenue.

Dire Moose
2015-03-13, 10:48 PM
You get Pathfinder Unchained's version of the Summoner.

I insert the Loch Ness Monster.

Trevortni
2015-03-13, 11:48 PM
You receive a statue of the Loch Ness. A Loch Ness likeness, if you will.

I insert 2 credits to continue.

Jormengand
2015-03-14, 07:57 AM
You get a continue.

I insert Rich Burlew.

Inevitability
2015-03-14, 10:21 AM
You get a giant.

I insert a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

Zaydos
2015-03-14, 10:23 AM
You get blinded.

I insert your life, nicely extracted for processing of course, the universe, and everything else.

goto124
2015-03-14, 11:08 AM
You get 42.

I insert a teddy bear.

Lheticus
2015-03-14, 11:15 AM
You get a teddy bear sized Freddy Fazbear action figure. (May or may not be haunted and/or homicidal.)

I insert the Boss Key.

Dire Moose
2015-03-14, 12:01 PM
You get Ganondorf.

I insert the Master Sword.

Silent Justice
2015-03-14, 12:14 PM
You receive fanfiction of Link X Ganon

I insert a collection of all the Harry Potter books.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-14, 12:34 PM
You get a broomstick.

I insert the person below me.

Zaydos
2015-03-14, 12:39 PM
You receive me with a notice attached saying that the gnomes as a people have taken out 32 separate restraining orders on me so please refrain from forcing me upon them... again.

I insert my sorrow at not being allowed another adventure in the wonderful magic land of the vending machine and a chance to steal its treasures.

Dire Moose
2015-03-14, 01:47 PM
You receive an envelope with a delayed blast fireball in it.

I insert a million monkeys working on a million typewriters.

Lheticus
2015-03-14, 03:00 PM
You get the complete works of Shakespeare...followed by enough reams with complete gibberish printed on it to account for the destruction of an entire rainforest's worth of trees.

I insert a packet of saffron seeds.

Trevortni
2015-03-14, 03:03 PM
You receive the complete works of Wilam Shokspur.
You receive an instruction manual detailing instructions on "plowing".

I insert my arm, up to the shoulder.

Zaydos
2015-03-14, 03:05 PM
You receive a bionic replacement, labeled made in Coruscant.

I insert this envelope the vending machine gave me 3 posts up.

Inevitability
2015-03-14, 03:56 PM
You get a note with the recycle symbol on it.

I insert Hactar in his incorporeal form.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-14, 05:40 PM
You get a tulip.


Ī̵̞̥̺͉̫͇͈̠̼̥̰̗͓̭̫̞̤̒́ͪ͆ͧͭ̇̑̊ͦ̆̏ͥ̊̐ͥ̾̄͟͢ ̧̺̝͚̱͔̜̪̯͈͎̩̯͉͚̐͂ͩ̓̅ͬ̈̽͛̂ͥ̇͋̓̽ͭ̉́î̜ͫ̓ͪͮ̍ͮ̃̏ͦͨ̀͜͟͟ ̹̙͕̳̟͈̲ṉ̸͔̣̼̘͔̻̖̣̫̭̩͔̮̓̃̔͑̏ͫ̒̂͂͗ͭ̋̿̃͆̍̀̚s̡̛̈́͋ͣͤ͊̿ ̶̨̟̙̠̪͔̟͈ę̯͓̺͕̞̼̣͕͚͙̐͑ͤ̾̃̈́̆ͯͮͤ̏̆̿͋̌͝͞͡r̟ͯͫ͌̏̎̅̀ͯ͘ ̬̗̜̳̱͉͚̱̺̱̪̙̱̫t̸̷̢̧̝̱͕̭̗͍͎͎̗̰̳̯̝̘̓ͤ͐͑̂́̄͊́̄̌̿̎ͫ̚̚͘ ̖̹ ̷̨͈̺͖̼̼̼̣̰͙̯̬͓͙̜̗̱̮͕̅̔ͧ̄̈́̒̍̍͗̽ͤ̅ͫ͒̔̀̃͡Z̡̧̛͎̋̆̐ͫͥ̚͡ ̰̪͕̩̯͈̝̙̫ͅͅäͫ̿ͩͤ̈͛͏̳̜̤͞͠l̶ͯ͊̈͂̆͒͊̿̎ͭͤͥͥ̓̊̽ͨ͘͞͠҉͕͍ ̟͖̥̯̦̣̩̠̦g̐̃ͬ̔́͆ͩ̋̋͑̏͛ͭ̓̋̎҉̧̻̘̭̙̼̘̝̗͖͘ͅo̽̊̓̈̄ͧ͐͊ͪͯ ̽́͏̨͠͏̪̹̥̫͕̜̥̩̱.͛͆̔̊̂ͬ̍͊̈͑̌͆ͧ͏̡̺̺̖̼͍͚͈͉̗̗̪͟͞

Trevortni
2015-03-14, 06:04 PM
You receive Zaydos.

I insert Elmo.

Lheticus
2015-03-14, 06:10 PM
You receive a miniature St. Elmo's Fire in a bottle.

I insert the Iron Throne.

Hiro Protagonest
2015-03-15, 03:03 AM
You get Tony Stark.

I insert Doctor Light.

goto124
2015-03-15, 05:54 AM
You get a light doctor.

I insert a weighing scale.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-15, 09:04 AM
You get a Soul Bind gemstone worth about 42,000 gp.

I insert a peg.

Trevortni
2015-03-15, 01:00 PM
You get a -gle appended to your peg. Have fun!

I insert my addiction to gaming, in all its forms.

Combat Reflexes
2015-03-19, 06:47 AM
You get a pre-order limited edition copy of LIFE. LIFE has amazing graphics and a great leveling system but turns out to be nearly unplayable due to all the bugs, loopholes and hacks in the later levels which everyone seems to be able to exploit except you.

I insert a bald Yeti.

Jormengand
2015-03-19, 03:19 PM
You get an oversized foot.

I insert a warhammer with a +40,000 enhancement bonus.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-19, 03:30 PM
You get Thog the Half-Ork. :thog:

I insert a stream of molten gold.

Lheticus
2015-03-19, 04:45 PM
You get the Millenium Items.

I insert a Blue Eyes White Dragon card.

Inevitability
2015-03-20, 04:22 PM
You get a white dragon, which proceeds to eat you.

I insert a poem on waving and drowning.

Trevortni
2015-03-20, 04:36 PM
You receive a poem about Baywatch. The fact that your face went red before even picking it up is completely unrelated, obviously.

I insert the south end of a north bound horse.

GuesssWho
2015-03-20, 08:00 PM
You get the north end of a south-bound one.

I insert a poem that begins "They **** you up, your mum and dad".

Inevitability
2015-03-21, 08:27 AM
You get gnomish cries of despair. Then, silence.

I insert an expedition, assembled to discover the gnomes' fate.

Dire Moose
2015-03-21, 08:37 AM
You get a pile of chewed-up bones and a burping sound from somewhere deep inside the machine.

I insert the DM.

Trevortni
2015-03-21, 06:36 PM
Rocks fall. Everybody dies.

I insert my new character for the next game.

Jormengand
2015-03-21, 06:52 PM
Dice fall. Everybody rocks.

I insert the machine.

Lheticus
2015-03-21, 06:59 PM
You carry it off for a ways, but as you have no idea just what you're inserting the machine into, it gets bored and vanishes, reappearing in its original location before you moved it.

I insert YouTube.

Twelvetrees
2015-03-21, 09:02 PM
You get YouCylinder.

I insert a Kender.

Trevortni
2015-03-22, 12:37 AM
You receive a garten.

I insert TPBM.

goto124
2015-03-22, 04:41 AM
I get a gnome from the vending machine! Isn't she cute?

*boops her nose*

I insert a gnome's flower.

Recherché
2015-03-22, 12:45 PM
You receive an extremely sweet and romantic date with the female gnome/.

I insert a wedding ring

Emperordaniel
2015-03-22, 01:06 PM
You get married to the aforementioned gnome.

I insert neutron star stuff.

Jormengand
2015-03-22, 01:38 PM
You get a lethal dose of neutrino radiation. (https://what-if.xkcd.com/73/)

I insert a copy of the Players' Handbook.

Lheticus
2015-03-22, 02:12 PM
You get back the GM that was inserted by Dire Moose a few posts ago.

I insert a small Toon Link plushie followed by a larger, teddy-bear sized Toon Link plushie. (fyi I actually own these in real life and they're just ADORBZ ^_^)

FallenFallcrest
2015-03-22, 04:15 PM
You recieve a copy of Super Smash Bros. 4 for WiiU, which has Toon Link removed from the disk.

I insert the items in a countably infinite set one at a time.

Trevortni
2015-03-22, 10:51 PM
You receive a note saying that Chuck Norris has already done this. Twice.

I insert the Chuck Norris meme in its entirety.

Dire Moose
2015-03-23, 01:22 AM
You get Bruce Lee kicking you in the face.

I insert stabbity death.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-23, 05:48 AM
You get Belkar punching you in the face.

I insert a phonograph.

goto124
2015-03-23, 06:02 AM
You get an iPhone, complete with earphones.

I insert a yandere (overly obsessed and violent girlfriend) to chase after the gnome who dares marry someone else.

Jormengand
2015-03-24, 08:13 PM
You get a Tsundere.

I insert a truenamer.

Trevortni
2015-03-25, 11:47 AM
You receive a strong name.

I insert a boy who turns into a girl when splashed with cold water.

Lheticus
2015-03-25, 03:08 PM
You get a panda that turns into a man when splashed with warm water.

I insert an 8-pack of AA batteries.

Inevitability
2015-03-25, 03:10 PM
You get a crappy movie's plot.

I insert the republic of Palau. 3.5 fans should know why...

Emperordaniel
2015-03-25, 05:02 PM
You get a chunk of coral.

I insert the chunk of coral.

Trevortni
2015-03-25, 05:20 PM
You receive a chunk of a corral.

I insert a dongle.

Lheticus
2015-03-26, 04:17 PM
You receive a Dingleberry brand smartphone.

I insert an aglet.

enderlord99
2015-03-26, 08:02 PM
You get a ferrule.

I insert a fake eraser made out of enriched plutonium covered in a thin layer of rose gold.

Emperordaniel
2015-03-26, 09:23 PM
The machine shoots an explosive silver bullet at you.

I insert a dead fish.

Trevortni
2015-03-26, 10:20 PM
You receive a tutorial on the fish slapping dance.

I insert something completely different.

GuesssWho
2015-03-26, 11:53 PM
You get a video guide on how to irritate people.

I insert a man armed with a banana.

Torzini
2015-03-27, 12:22 AM
Out pops this (http://i.imgur.com/OCLzJ.gif).

I insert an unidentifiable stain.

Inevitability
2015-03-27, 04:07 PM
You get a stream of dark sludge.

I insert a frog.