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View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY D&D Vending Machine XXVII: Some Assembly Required



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enderlord99
2015-08-06, 01:05 AM
You get an eyeball; no matter what you do, you cannot determine for certain who it came from... but you can certainly guess! (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vecna)



I insert precisely one gram of each and every elemental isotope (not counting exotic matter; protons, neutrons, and electrons only) that both:

1. Is solid at standard temperature and pressure, and

2. Has a half-life above fifteen minutes, Coordinated Universal Time.

Inevitability
2015-08-06, 02:08 AM
You get a physics teacher who starts telling some long-winded story on how those various kinds of matter interacted with each other after you inserted them in the machine and what fundamental forces were responsible for what part of the process. You will get a test on this.

I insert some consonants.

Mythaos
2015-08-06, 07:07 AM
Y d nt, srprsngly, gt n vwls.

I insert an and a .

Prince Zahn
2015-08-06, 07:59 AM
You get a and a .

I insert my little good luck charm.

AvatarVecna
2015-08-06, 08:02 AM
You get one of these:

----{@

I insert a 50 ft long ladder.

DungeonMaster77
2015-08-06, 09:27 AM
You get 5 10' poles, a 50' length of rope, and a bull's eye lantern.

I insert an electrum piece.

Mythaos
2015-08-06, 03:21 PM
You get an electric pokmon.

I insert a summer day.

Orm-Embar
2015-08-06, 05:18 PM
You get a baseball game. Home team wins in extra innings!

I insert the thrilling feeling of victory.

Chunklets
2015-08-06, 07:01 PM
You get 14 bottles of cheap champagne, a CD containing "We Are the Champions," and three-year contract worth 41 million gold pieces per year.


I insert an enigmatic classified ad:


"Looking for three twoths, but will settle for two threeths.
Serious offers only.
This means you, Mr. Peebles."

AvatarVecna
2015-08-06, 07:34 PM
You get a note signed "How about one sixth" signed by Peebles.

I insert an unused medical needle.

Xihirli
2015-08-06, 08:07 PM
You get a very sanitary knife used for oath runes.

I insert a scimitar.

DungeonMaster77
2015-08-06, 11:02 PM
A very confused, and very angry chaotic good drow ranger with a rather large black panther companion comes out and begins to cut you into much smaller pieces for obvious reasons, which, based on his track record, is completely successful.

I insert a homebrew magic system based on the Eragon book.

Inevitability
2015-08-07, 01:57 AM
You get a homebrew magic system based on Lord of the Rings.

I insert the number of trees needed for a forest, minus one.

TurboGhast
2015-08-07, 06:58 AM
You get a weapon that does ∞+1 damage.

I insert a Bag of Devouring.

MatrixStone93
2015-08-07, 04:50 PM
You get ham.

I insert a hope for a brighter future.

Xihirli
2015-08-07, 06:01 PM
You get nothing.

I insert blood.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-07, 06:34 PM
You get a moss-filled jar labeled "sweat and tears".

I insert love and war (the keeper cards)

Inevitability
2015-08-08, 02:44 AM
You get the Lovers and the Chariot (major arcana cards).

I insert some unfinished homebrew.

Orm-Embar
2015-08-08, 09:20 AM
You get lightning in a bottle.

I insert a dangerously fast motorcycle.

Mythaos
2015-08-08, 10:14 AM
You get a talking mouse.

I insert Don Knotts.

MatrixStone93
2015-08-08, 03:16 PM
You get Don Patch.

I insert an afro.

Indarra
2015-08-08, 05:02 PM
You get a ninja.

I insert a sage.

Xihirli
2015-08-08, 05:38 PM
You get a gardenia.

I insert two Scimitars and a Nunchuck.

Lheticus
2015-08-08, 07:42 PM
You get a ninja turtle wearing an orange band fighting a pirate captain.

I insert a beer keg filled with non-alcoholic beer.

Hiro Protagonest
2015-08-08, 08:00 PM
You get a mob of angry dwarves and sailors and dwarf sailors.

I toss one of the dwarf sailors back in there.

Orm-Embar
2015-08-08, 09:19 PM
You get a small sailboat.

I insert a ton of concrete.

5ColouredWalker
2015-08-08, 09:32 PM
You get concrete shoes.

I insert an phone.

Xihirli
2015-08-08, 09:41 PM
You get stabbed.

I insert a potion of heroism.

Mythaos
2015-08-08, 11:18 PM
You get a Punch Clock Hero (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PunchClockHero).

I insert a gallon of bricks.

AvatarVecna
2015-08-08, 11:44 PM
You get a pallet of windows.

I insert a non-Euclidean keyboard.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-09, 12:33 AM
You get 2 non-gregorian calendars.

I insert an ampersand.

Orm-Embar
2015-08-09, 08:22 AM
You get an ellipses.

I insert a knight in shining armor.

Xihirli
2015-08-09, 01:08 PM
You get a Knight in Sour Armor.

I insert gummi worms.

Drakeburn
2015-08-09, 02:32 PM
You get a gelatinous purple worm. :smallamused:

I insert Xihirli's scimitars.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-09, 02:35 PM
You get Mythaos's Staff.

I insert the Tome of Battle.

Indarra
2015-08-09, 02:47 PM
You get a war.

I insert Captain Marvel.

AvatarVecna
2015-08-09, 05:35 PM
You get a whiny kid with delusions of grandeur.

I insert the newest iPhone.

Mythaos
2015-08-09, 07:20 PM
You get an unripe apple.

I insert a carbon nanotube.

goto124
2015-08-10, 09:40 AM
You get a small piece of paper. On it are the words 'Sorry, I seemed to have misplaced it, it's nano-sized...'

I insert a baby gentoo penguin (http://www.eveandersson.com/photos/antarctica/goudier-island-port-lockroy-baby-gentoo-penguin-resting-on-toms-foot-large.jpg).

TurboGhast
2015-08-10, 06:25 PM
You get an image macro.

I insert a strong gust of wind.

Orm-Embar
2015-08-10, 09:22 PM
You get a folk song.

I insert an acoustic guitar.

Xihirli
2015-08-10, 10:53 PM
You get a "white guy with an acoustic guitar" song.

I insert Todd in the Shadows. Did you really think I would restrict myself to webcomics?

AvatarVecna
2015-08-11, 12:14 AM
You get...beaten up by a girl named Lindsay!

I insert a roll of duct tape.

enderlord99
2015-08-11, 12:20 PM
You get a can of WD40.

I insert .

Chunklets
2015-08-11, 01:00 PM
You get.


I insert the world's first pumpkin-flavoured wildebeest.

Lheticus
2015-08-11, 01:02 PM
I get ninja'ed, you get the world's first venison flavored pumpkin.

I insert a gallon jug, filled completely with pennies.

Zaydos
2015-08-11, 03:34 PM
You receive a gallon jug filled with the physical manifestation of debt.

I insert Final Fantasy.

Indarra
2015-08-11, 03:41 PM
You get ten more.

I insert a goat horn.

AvatarVecna
2015-08-11, 03:45 PM
You get a copy of the movie Hoodwinked.

I insert a lava lamp.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-11, 04:25 PM
You get a slowly rotating discoball.

I insert a ouija board.

Xihirli
2015-08-11, 08:40 PM
You get the drow pantheon.

I insert a thinkagram.

Lheticus
2015-08-12, 03:56 PM
You get directions back to the Order of the Stick webcomic.

I insert a piece of paper that says "Explosive Runes" without actually being written in Explosive Runes, but instead ordinary ink.

Solse
2015-08-12, 07:20 PM
You get a piece of paper that shows an explosion on it, not an actual explosion, but instead an ordinary drawing of one.

I insert a tangled pair of earbuds.

TurboGhast
2015-08-13, 09:07 PM
You get a tangle wire.

I insert some nail clippers.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-14, 01:33 AM
You get a nose hair trimmer.

I insert liquid soap without a bottle.

GuesssWho
2015-08-14, 06:01 PM
You get an empty Dr. Bronner's bottle. Enjoy your bottled ranting.

I insert a ranting street lunatic.

AvatarVecna
2015-08-14, 06:25 PM
You get a Xihirli! You lucky dog...

I insert an oversized cup.

Lheticus
2015-08-14, 06:58 PM
You get a giant foam finger with "#1" on it. No team name or logo, just "#1."

I insert a recording of a man speaking in a Yorkshire accent.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-15, 11:04 AM
You get a Xihirli! You lucky dog...
*Laughs hysterically at the brick joke*

Back on topic:, you get a malevolent, sentient, talking Yorkshire Terrier who demands tummy rubs 10 times a day.

I insert an extraterrestrial life form.

@v My apologies for it was most unintended, nevertheless, please accept the context from two pages ago (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?310006-D-amp-D-Vending-Machine-XXVII-Some-Assembly-Required/page42&p=19621829&postcount=1231#post19621829) as compensation and tell us what's it like on the other side?:smalltongue:

Xihirli
2015-08-15, 01:06 PM
You get Loki, who is annoyed at being an alien now.

I insert indignation at being a brick joke.

Inevitability
2015-08-15, 03:32 PM
You get a brick.

Well, technically a brick is thrown at you, but who cares about the difference?


I insert a long journey.

Orm-Embar
2015-08-15, 08:18 PM
You receive a vague prophecy - the kind that can be fully understood only when it's too late to act on it.

I insert a brain in a jar.

Inevitability
2015-08-16, 04:05 AM
You get a jar in a brain. How did it get there? MYSTERY!

I insert Jar Jar Binks.

Xihirli
2015-08-16, 09:18 AM
@v My apologies for it was most unintended, nevertheless, please accept the context from two pages ago (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?310006-D-amp-D-Vending-Machine-XXVII-Some-Assembly-Required/page42&p=19621829&postcount=1231#post19621829) as compensation and tell us what's it like on the other side?:smalltongue:

That was... still being a brick joke, no "other side" to it.

Anyway, you get gungan sushi.

I insert a GIANT MOSQUITO.

Zaydos
2015-08-16, 02:03 PM
You receive Dire Stirge.

I insert Father Time.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-16, 02:25 PM
You get Grandmother Space.

I insert Grandfather Clock.

Lheticus
2015-08-16, 02:52 PM
You get Father Christmas.

I insert a detailed geneaology report.

Dire Moose
2015-08-16, 10:44 PM
You get confirmation that yes, your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.

I insert a Triceratops.

Inevitability
2015-08-17, 07:07 AM
You get one of those cheap plastic dinosaur toys.

I insert a bullete, a rust monster, and an owlbear.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-17, 07:43 AM
You get a poorly written start for a bar joke.

I insert a well written start for a bar joke.

TurboGhast
2015-08-17, 09:46 AM
You get an ambiguous bar.

I insert anarchy.

Lheticus
2015-08-17, 05:56 PM
You get oligarchy.

I insert a talking snake.

AvatarVecna
2015-08-17, 06:06 PM
You get an all-powerful genie, shoved into a teeny tiny living space.

I insert a bold newspaper headline.

Chunklets
2015-08-17, 08:45 PM
You receive a defeated Truman, and a victorious Dewey.


I insert an Act of Parliament relating to cheese tariffs.

Dire Moose
2015-08-17, 09:36 PM
You get the cheese you left in the fridge a year ago. Long past the expiration date, it has since evolved into a sentient life form. The mutant cheese devours you before you have a chance to scream.

I insert my head and look around inside.

Inevitability
2015-08-18, 04:06 AM
Alarms start going off the moment you stick your head in, and you hear gnomish cries of fear and anguish somewhere below you. The last thing you hear before everything goes dark is someone shouting 'close the coin slot!'.

I insert the decapitated corpse I found in front of the machine.

TurboGhast
2015-08-23, 08:58 PM
You trigger even more security systems in the vending machine, causing it to seemingly stop for a while as it deals with the utter mess you created.

I insert a reboot sequence.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-24, 05:24 PM
You get a BSOD. The gnomes aren't quite ready yet.

I insert a solid gold watch.

Inevitability
2015-08-25, 12:22 PM
You get a small digital watch counting down to when the machine can be used again.

I insert some anticipation.

necrochicken
2015-08-25, 07:18 PM
You get sheer disappointment.

I insert an olive pit.

The Bandicoot
2015-08-31, 09:24 AM
You get a pit full of olives.

I insert a drop bear.

Prince Zahn
2015-08-31, 09:28 AM
You get a winged gnome in a panda suit.

I insert an lifesized orc made of macaroni art

Inevitability
2015-08-31, 11:13 AM
You get 3872 orcs.

I insert a potted plant.

Lheticus
2015-08-31, 05:25 PM
You get a discount coupon for the Little Shop of Horrors.

I insert palpable benevolence.

Orm-Embar
2015-09-01, 08:05 PM
You get implacable malevolence, and it's hungry. For souls.

I insert a laugh track.

GuesssWho
2015-09-01, 10:25 PM
You get the Wilhelm scream.

I insert a Smiling God.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-02, 02:42 AM
You get a solid gold Neko charm.

I insert a 2 horses and a chariot

necrochicken
2015-09-02, 08:56 AM
You get an oppressive tyrant.

I insert a foil Targymof.

The Great Wyrm
2015-09-02, 10:23 AM
You get Timmerian Fiends.

I insert a single piece of popcorn.

Inevitability
2015-09-02, 10:45 PM
You get two pieces of popcorn.

I insert two pieces of popcorn.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-03, 11:58 AM
You get a drop of pop.

I insert a mechanical thingy.

Sir Toast
2015-09-03, 04:26 PM
You get a wooden thingy.
I insert a player's handbook 3.5 edition.

Zaydos
2015-09-03, 06:08 PM
You receive a Player's Handbook 35 edition. You'll love the revamp to the Jedi class and the new Fremen archetype.

I insert every episode of every Star Trek series blended into one concentrated cube of "entertainment" which blasts itself into the mind of the first creature to touch it (telekinesis is quite useful here).

rooster707
2015-09-04, 09:05 AM
You get JJ Trek.

I insert the autobiography of Benjamin Franklin.

Inevitability
2015-09-04, 10:57 AM
You are struck by lightning.

I insert the entire 'wish-twisting thread'.

Blue Ghost
2015-09-04, 12:33 PM
You get a tangle of yarn that glows with chaotic magical energy.

I insert a crude drawing of a dollar bill.

rooster707
2015-09-04, 02:25 PM
You get 100 crude drawings of pennies.

I insert a paper napkin cleverly folded so that it looks just like a paper napkin.

TurboGhast
2015-09-04, 06:07 PM
You get an origami crane, folded like an origami crane.

I insert some nonsense.

Lheticus
2015-09-04, 07:00 PM
You get the latest random banter thread. (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?436885-Raziere-s-Rollicking-Red-Raging-Rant-(Random-Banter-Thread-213))

I insert Bogroll.

Xihirli
2015-09-04, 09:52 PM
You get exactly one tear. For my lord... HamSTAAAAARRRR!

I insert Ruthlessness.

enderlord99
2015-09-04, 11:45 PM
You get a hamsternova, whatever that is, and a slightly burnt, slightly chewed ransom note.
I like how the forum software can handle what are technically improperly-nested tags.
I insert an umbrellamp, which is like a flashlight, except it's really more of a flashdry.

Inevitability
2015-09-05, 03:26 PM
You get a spork.

I insert lazyness.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-05, 11:09 PM
You get deadlines.

I insert a line that had a tragic and undeserving death.

Dire Moose
2015-09-06, 06:15 PM
You get a dramatic funeral scene.

I insert a lit stick of dynamite.

rooster707
2015-09-06, 06:52 PM
You get a sizeable explosion of... marshmallows?

I insert a rainbow.

Orm-Embar
2015-09-06, 08:04 PM
You get a pony! It's super affectionate!

I insert a tube of superglue.

AvatarVecna
2015-09-07, 12:07 AM
You get a tuba full of lube.

I insert this stupid POS iPhone.

Dire Moose
2015-09-07, 12:28 AM
You get two cups attached by a piece of string.

I insert my robe and wizard hat.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-07, 07:34 AM
You get Mickey Mouse.

I insert Mick Jagger.

Insane Trystane
2015-09-07, 09:14 PM
You get his moves, along with the MC Hammer slide.

I insert some bullying-prone bison from New York.

enderlord99
2015-09-07, 10:12 PM
You get a stone den, apparently owned by a lion-eating poet who has been at the market since ten o'clock.

I insert poetry... Vogon poetry, that is.

Inevitability
2015-09-08, 01:08 AM
You get an allip.

I insert a dead tarrasque.

Orm-Embar
2015-09-08, 08:42 AM
You get disturbing feeding noises. When they finally end, a pile of bones are ejected. Then a fluffy kitten.

I insert a mile of bad road.

rooster707
2015-09-08, 09:41 AM
You get a mill of bad rod.

I insert $201.50.

Insane Trystane
2015-09-08, 09:51 AM
You get 134.33 bottles of Crystal Pepsi.

I insert a father's "Hole-In-One" coffee mug.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-08, 12:32 PM
You get hairy-legged all-day sucker to return it to whence it came.

I insert a Lego Mephit.

Sir Toast
2015-09-08, 07:01 PM
You get a minecraft mephit.
I insert an audio scroll of explosive runes

TurboGhast
2015-09-08, 07:18 PM
You get an annoyed piece of paper. The paper explodes when you read it.

I insert a glitchy switch.

Inevitability
2015-09-09, 12:50 PM
You get a stuck switch.

I insert some railroad tracks.

Havelocke
2015-09-09, 01:54 PM
You get a hobo holding a broken light bulb.

I put a handful of pebbles, a gallon of milk, and a trombone into the vending machine.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-09, 02:01 PM
You get the strangest song remix of your life. like, Tom Waits weird. :smalleek:

I insert a disfunctional modem.

Insane Trystane
2015-09-09, 07:00 PM
You get The Object. (You know the one I'm talkig about.)

I insert a slightly-melted ice cream cake.

Sir Toast
2015-09-09, 08:49 PM
You get a slightly melted cake flavored ice cream.
I insert a potato in the vending machine

Zaydos
2015-09-09, 10:50 PM
You receive the jackpot of 7,777,777 gold coins. Gnomes love potatoes.

I insert gnomish nitro-vodka into the vending machine, they should know how to handle it.

Inevitability
2015-09-10, 02:21 PM
Something rumbles deep within the machine, followed by cries of joy, fear, laughter, sadness, anger, and surprise. A moment later, music so infernal it can only have been created by the unholy union of a bagpipe and a kazoo sounds from below, followed by some explosions. After what seems like an eternity of silence, the machine gives you 10 cents of container deposit.

I insert the unholy union of a bagpipe and a kazoo.

TurboGhast
2015-09-10, 07:23 PM
You get a scroll of silence you might want to use for you sanity's sake.

I insert some headphones.

ThePhantom
2015-09-10, 11:22 PM
You get loud music.

I insert a classical cartoon.

Sir Toast
2015-09-11, 01:47 PM
You get a bunch of unclassic reboots of classical cartoons like..
1. Scooby Doo Mystery Incorporated
2. The Looney Tunes Show
3. The Tom and Jerry Show
and many more...

I insert a peanut into the vending machine.

Zaydos
2015-09-11, 01:51 PM
You receive a baby peanut dragon (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=13594312&postcount=931). You had best take good care for it.

I insert the last person who mistreated a baby peanut dragon.

Havelocke
2015-09-11, 02:03 PM
Out pops a rather startled Daenerys Targaryen

I quickly push her back into the vending machine!

Inevitability
2015-09-11, 02:33 PM
You get a wave of blood and a jet of fire.

I insert a few grumpkins.

Sir Toast
2015-09-15, 08:21 PM
You get a few munchkins.

I insert an astromech droid.

Dire Moose
2015-09-15, 09:52 PM
You get a translation of its beeping sounds, revealing that most of them were insults about you.

I insert a dead body.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-16, 06:43 AM
You get a body that was never alive.

I insert the Harry Potter books.

AvatarVecna
2015-09-16, 01:47 PM
You get a galaxy's worth of plot hole black holes.

I insert a gallon of liquid hand soap.

Zaydos
2015-09-16, 01:53 PM
You receive a feeling of cleanness which touches your soul.

I insert my sudden desire to make homebrewin' themes for every month of the year and get others to participate, and my plans for October's Harrowing Halloween Harvest of Horror.

Havelocke
2015-09-16, 04:17 PM
You get a terrified easter bunny dressed up in green holding a lit firework...

I stuff a Drone with a go pro camera strapped to it into the vending machine.

Dire Moose
2015-09-17, 03:38 AM
You get a pile of broken electronics with a note that says "NO."

I insert my hand, feel around inside, and pick up whatever I find.

Orm-Embar
2015-09-17, 12:16 PM
You pick up a bad case of existential dread.

I insert a motorcycle.

Havelocke
2015-09-17, 02:08 PM
you get a small white mouse with a red helmet on its head.

I insert a bowl of Tapioca pudding!

Inevitability
2015-09-17, 02:46 PM
You get a giant pudding.

I insert a yellow octopoid superbeing wishing to blow up the world.

Dire Moose
2015-09-17, 03:12 PM
You get a squished, melted pile of yellow goo, along with Godzilla roaring triumphantly.

I insert the d20s that screwed me over in my last couple of gaming sessions (they all rolled natural 1s at the worst possible moments).

Sir Toast
2015-09-17, 04:07 PM
You get a d20 that always rolls a natural one, momentarily explodes, and plays an audio that says "Epic Fail"
I insert some toast.

Zaydos
2015-09-17, 04:26 PM
You receive tea.

I insert Middle Earth.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-18, 04:29 AM
You get the Middle East.

I insert the Middle West.

Havelocke
2015-09-18, 11:32 AM
You get a small pile of dust, some wilted corn, and a set of Magnets from Iowa, Oklahoma, and Kansas

I insert a pumpkin

Sir Toast
2015-09-18, 01:26 PM
You get "The Great Pumpkin" (Peanuts) with a squashed pumpkin in its mouth.
I insert a timebomb set to go off.

Inevitability
2015-09-18, 02:42 PM
The bomb is quickly thrown back at you.

I insert the first man-made fire.

Dire Moose
2015-09-18, 03:04 PM
You get a screaming caveman with his hair on fire.

I insert a mammoth.

Orm-Embar
2015-09-18, 04:30 PM
You get delicious fire-roasted kebabs, tons of them.

I insert cheap sunglasses.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-18, 05:13 PM
You get it back with one lens missing.

I insert the original painting of the Mona Lisa (that's right, I had it the whole time!:smallwink:)

Zaydos
2015-09-18, 05:14 PM
You get arrested for art theft.

I insert Prince Zahn's arresting officer.

Inevitability
2015-09-19, 11:19 AM
You get a note saying the officer was two days away from retirement.

I insert a smilodon.

Orm-Embar
2015-09-19, 01:03 PM
You get a Cheshire cat.

I insert a note in a bottle.

Insane Trystane
2015-09-19, 01:30 PM
You get the Pacific Ocean. I hope you live near the coast!

I insert a telegraph from the person below me's great-great-grandfather.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-21, 03:19 PM
You get a text message from my great-great grandson, thanking you for the contributions that make the vending machine successful for when he strikes it rich and buys all the gnomish stock shares for the vending machine. it also reads "P.S Grandpa says get off my property." but I don't know what he's talking about...:smalltongue:

I insert the Golden fiddle (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?364661-Play-As-Your-Avatar/page20&p=19841820&postcount=596#post19841820) I won most fairly in my battles against Zaydos in here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?364661-Play-As-Your-Avatar&p=19850835#post19850835) in the Play As Your Avatar thread.

@v Now THAT'S what I call closure!:smalltongue:

Zaydos
2015-09-21, 03:25 PM
You receive your own soul.

I insert someone's soul. Not mine. Not really sure whose it is.

Havelocke
2015-09-21, 05:12 PM
You the get the Charlie Daniel's Band playing "the Devil went down to Georgia"

I insert a pillowcase stuffed with goosefeathers

Insane Trystane
2015-09-21, 11:12 PM
You get a goose stuffed with pillowcases. (800 threadcount, if you can get the goose muck off of 'em.)

I insert a typo.

Blue Ghost
2015-09-21, 11:14 PM
Your face gets edited.

I insert a dimensional portal.

Dire Moose
2015-09-21, 11:26 PM
You get one of the Elder Gods.

I insert things man was not meant to know.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-22, 04:34 AM
You get lies that should never have been told.

I insert an empty 4-page character sheet, a sharpened no.2 pencil, and a set of polyhedral dice.

Orm-Embar
2015-09-22, 10:25 AM
You get an angry barbarian hero looking to meet his creator.

I insert Thor's Hammer.

Zaydos
2015-09-22, 10:45 AM
Cast in the name of god ye guilty

You receive mechanical tentacles which consume you.

I insert a giant mecha that is NOT Canada or Jupiter.

Inevitability
2015-09-22, 02:35 PM
You get every single part of the mecha down to the last bolt, together with a few dozen blueprints.

I insert Cleverbot.

Havelocke
2015-09-22, 03:09 PM
you get the original Nintendo Entertainment System robot from the 80's that didn't really do anything clever.

I toss a dozen yo yo's into the vending machine! Gnomes like yo yo's right?

Dire Moose
2015-09-22, 07:47 PM
The gnomes insist that you stop stereotyping them and give you an angry Tasmanian Devil for your troubles.

I insert a shark.

GuesssWho
2015-09-23, 05:15 AM
You get a larger, uglier shark.

I insert depressing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cl3_5X_FLwI) historical ballads (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svtOveWcfAY).

Inevitability
2015-09-23, 03:15 PM
You get 'The Rains of Castamere'.

I insert an undead cowboy.

Lheticus
2015-09-23, 03:54 PM
You get an undead indian.

I give the larger, uglier shark from before a good punching and stuff it back in the machine.

Havelocke
2015-09-23, 04:16 PM
out lands Fynn (spelling?) from Sharknado complete with giant chainsaw

I put a copy of "night of the living dead" into the machine.

Insane Trystane
2015-09-24, 12:56 AM
You get "Day of the Dead Lives", which turns out to just be a Youtube video about people with nothing on their social calendars for Thursday.

I insert none pizza with left beef.

Inevitability
2015-09-24, 01:05 PM
You get an empty pizza box.

I insert bad vibrations.

Dire Moose
2015-09-24, 05:37 PM
You get an earthquake.

I insert a rhinoceros.

Prince Zahn
2015-09-25, 01:57 PM
You get a leaking bag of tricks. It randomly shoots out animals.
I insert the animals and bag back in before the critters attack me.

Inevitability
2015-09-25, 03:03 PM
You get a fur coat.

I insert an angry DM.

Gamer_KM
2015-09-28, 03:02 PM
You get falling rocks

I shove in all of SpaceTime

GuesssWho
2015-09-29, 04:05 PM
You get lost.

I insert Siamese twins.

Orm-Embar
2015-09-29, 04:30 PM
You get Siamese cats.

I insert green eggs and ham.

Dire Moose
2015-09-29, 07:41 PM
You get one fish, then two fish, then a red fish, and finally a blue fish.

I insert a +5 flaming thundering unholy vicious vorpal glaive-glaive-glaive-guisarme-glaive.

Inevitability
2015-09-30, 02:40 PM
You get a very happy rust monster.

I insert a hipster screaming infidelities.

Insane Trystane
2015-09-30, 08:12 PM
You get a soy chai latte with an obscene picture drawn in the foam.

I insert an acute, existential sense of all the hours wasted in one's recent past. Maybe the vending machine will know what to do with it.

ImNotTrevor
2015-09-30, 09:33 PM
You get back a card that says "All time is wasted. Once you are dead, you and everything you have ever done, will be forgotten."

I insert a male baby.

inuyasha
2015-09-30, 11:58 PM
You get a 99 year old female woman. She offers you homemade muffins


I insert a Jello Cube

Zaydos
2015-10-01, 12:54 AM
You get a gelatinous tesseract.

I insert the 4th spatial dimension.

Dire Moose
2015-10-01, 02:26 AM
You get an alternate timeline in which penguins have enslaved humanity.

I insert a nuclear bomb.

Emperordaniel
2015-10-01, 04:49 AM
You receive some material from the Sun's core.

I insert a quarter.

Sir Toast
2015-10-01, 09:08 AM
You get 2 slices of a pizza, which had been been cut into 8 pieces.

I insert a goblin skull into the vending machine.

Orm-Embar
2015-10-01, 09:59 AM
You get an angry goblin mom. With a battleaxe.

I insert a castle.

Inevitability
2015-10-01, 10:49 AM
You get a lord.

I insert an alignment shift.

Emperordaniel
2015-10-01, 12:43 PM
You get a free Plane-Shift to the Semi-Elemental Plane of Ranch Dressing.

I insert a nickel.

Havelocke
2015-10-01, 02:12 PM
You get Nickleback, the band.

put an old 8 track cassette into the machine (I think its Barry Manilow, the label is faded...)

Lheticus
2015-10-01, 04:21 PM
You get Dave Barry.

I insert one of every kind of berry from the Pokemon franchise.

Sir Toast
2015-10-01, 08:27 PM
You get a multicolored multi-flavored poffin that tastes disgusting. (Too many cooks spoil the broth)

I insert a refrigerator.

ImNotTrevor
2015-10-01, 08:40 PM
You receive a microwave.

I insert a copy of Mein Kampf written in Elvish.

Zaydos
2015-10-01, 08:41 PM
You receive a copy of The Prince written in Orcish.

I insert Homer, Virgil, and Dante.

Hexblade
2015-10-01, 08:43 PM
You get a befuddled philosopher.

I insert a thread called "D&D Vending Machine XXVII: Some Assembly Required"

ImNotTrevor
2015-10-01, 08:53 PM
You get a very threatening message from the Moderators.

I insert green jello with carrots inside.

enderlord99
2015-10-02, 05:28 AM
You get onions with black "jello" inside. It looks kinda like jello, at least...

I insert a meathook made out of bone. There doesn't look like there's anything magical about it...

Emperordaniel
2015-10-02, 08:22 AM
You receive a meathook made from your own femurs.

I insert a kilogram of dry ice.

Orm-Embar
2015-10-02, 01:06 PM
You get a heavy metal show with GWAR opening for KISS.

I insert a toy helicopter powered by rubber bands.

enderlord99
2015-10-02, 03:34 PM
You get a powerful "HELLO!"-snopter banded by rubber toys. No, I don't know what that means, either.

[email protected]@ )

Inevitability
2015-10-02, 03:49 PM
You get a calculator.

I insert the difference between 'there', 'their' and 'they're'.

GuesssWho
2015-10-02, 06:06 PM
You get a difference engine.

I insert Alan Turing.

Emperordaniel
2015-10-02, 07:17 PM
You get an artificial intelligence clever enough be mistaken for a human if engaged in conversation.

I insert a golden helmet.

Insane Trystane
2015-10-03, 02:36 PM
You get a stern lecture on how the malleability of gold makes it a poor choice for anything but ceremonial armor, and then a ceremonial dagger whizzing past your head.

I insert every stanza of the Klingon Empire's national anthem on a wax phonograph cylinder.

Zaydos
2015-10-03, 03:37 PM
You receive a wax phonograph cylinder recording of Mi-Go and human cultists.

I insert the complete works of Horrifying Polyps Lovecraft.

Orm-Embar
2015-10-03, 04:18 PM
You get wrapped in the tentacles of something eldritch and squamous.

I insert a life-size painting of Mt. Fuji.

Emperordaniel
2015-10-04, 07:09 AM
You get a life-size engraving of Mount St. Helens. (https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b2/1890_Clohessy_and_Strengele_engraving_of_Mount_St_ Helens.jpg)

I insert the favorite food of the gnomes working inside the machine.

Inevitability
2015-10-04, 12:29 PM
You get a piece of paper with a smiling face on it.

I insert a new shift of gnome crew.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-05, 03:26 AM
You get countless thank you cards from the gnomes who had the last shift. Seriously, guys, 27 threads with the same gnomes and nobody thought to give those guys a break?

I insert a pay raise for every gnome.

Inevitability
2015-10-05, 01:38 PM
You get more cheers, combined with a few written promises of not having too horrible stuff come out when you insert something.

I insert a cold iron box.

Emperordaniel
2015-10-06, 01:28 AM
You get a warm iron box filled with highly-pressurized, boiling water.

I insert Nale.

Insane Trystane
2015-10-06, 11:43 AM
You get a hundred crack theories about how he's going to make another appearance in the strip, despite all evidence to the contrary.

I insert a tree and a DVD of bright flashing multicolored lights.

Havelocke
2015-10-07, 08:08 AM
You get a pumpkin, a knife, and an angry letter from the Gnomes that states, "Its Halloween season, no lit up trees until AFTER October 31st!"

enderlord99
2015-10-07, 02:51 PM
You get back the nothing you inserted.

I insert my brain. No, not the one in my head; I meant my spare brain!

Inevitability
2015-10-07, 03:10 PM
You get someone named Brian.

I insert a fried egg.

GuesssWho
2015-10-07, 04:25 PM
You get Bill Hicks' rant about that PSA. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTjRglSdyVU)

I insert George Carlin.

AvatarVecna
2015-10-07, 11:45 PM
You get a list of gnomish no-no words.

I insert a broken laptop screen.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-18, 10:23 AM
You get a broken iPad, the screen is cracked, and it won't turn on for reasons beyond your comprehension.

I insert a pretty butterfly... Somehow.

Emperordaniel
2015-10-18, 12:23 PM
You get a poisonous caterpillar.

I insert sheet music for the Imperial March.

Insane Trystane
2015-10-18, 01:11 PM
You get a string of Obi-Wan paper dolls.

I insert shruiken.

Inevitability
2015-10-19, 03:26 AM
You get a ninaj.

I insert some chips.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-19, 06:52 AM
You get a pint of Gnomish lager. It kind of spilled on it's way out of the vending machine...

I insert a trinket randomly determined from the 5th edition of D&D's Player's Handbook.

GuesssWho
2015-10-19, 09:37 PM
You get one from the Elemental Evils sourcebook.

I insert stone soup.

Zaydos
2015-10-19, 09:44 PM
You get tribble stew David Gerrold wrote both Trouble with Tribbles and the episode of Land of the Lost titled "Stone Soup"


I inset the Land of the Lost.

5ColouredWalker
2015-10-19, 10:09 PM
You get a map home.

I insert Zaydos' home.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-20, 12:57 AM
You get a big red hotel that is legally owned by Zaydos. Since you are on his property, you owe him $950. Will that be cash or jail?

I insert the only two "Get out of jail free" cards.

Inevitability
2015-10-20, 04:26 AM
You get a few iron bars.

I insert an egg, two pinches of sugar, three buckets of milk, and three bundles of wheat.

Havelocke
2015-10-20, 10:42 AM
You get a stack of gluten free pancakes and your 3 bundles of wheat back along with a note saying "sorry, allergic - thanks, gnomes".

I put a copy of Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull in the machine (and hope it eats it!)

Zaydos
2015-10-20, 03:27 PM
You receive Mutt Williams Jones as your new sidekick... and can't get rid of him.

I insert the gnomes' favorite movie.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-21, 12:48 AM
(three hours and seven minutes later)
You get a leftover bucket of popcorn and half of some foreign soda drink. The substance flavor is unkown, but1 it tastes amazing.

I insert my Twitter profile on the back of a note that reads "we would like to hear more from you!"

Inevitability
2015-10-21, 08:05 AM
The gnomes send a note back about how they still haven't got internet access in their machine.

I put a ghost in the machine.

Dire Moose
2015-10-23, 10:54 PM
A gnome wearing a Ghostbusters outfit pops out and hands you a bill.

I insert a black hole.

Insane Trystane
2015-10-24, 02:27 PM
Granted! But now the thread you were posting in got bent through spacetime and is now the Wish with a Twist thread.

I insert my wish that this thread be put back to normal.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-25, 01:41 AM
The vending machine turns back to normal.
You get a mechanical-hand slap you on the wrist for derailing a thread. The hand returns into the machine.

I insert a song from the heart.

Havelocke
2015-10-26, 08:55 AM
The Machine starts to play "Barracuda" and an image of an 80's band with two sisters with enormous hair pops up.

I put in a recording of "Hotel California"

Inevitability
2015-10-26, 04:44 PM
You get a hotel. It's not located in California, though.

I insert a pile of kittens.

Orm-Embar
2015-10-27, 05:13 PM
You get a basket of puppies.

I insert a live, fully-grown adult T.Rex.

Emperordaniel
2015-10-27, 06:06 PM
You get a Spinosaurus skeleton.

I insert a clever girl.

GuesssWho
2015-10-27, 07:44 PM
You get a pack of angry raptors.

I insert a Hooloovoo.

Prince Zahn
2015-10-28, 12:24 AM
You hear a grinding sound and are sprayed with a purple fluid.

I insert a rather depressing tale about a woman getting tired after being late for the bus in the morning.

Inevitability
2015-10-28, 04:10 PM
You get a happy story about a young boy and his faithful dog who are separated but find each other again after many perilous misadventures.

I insert a training dummy.

Hiro Protagonest
2015-10-28, 04:42 PM
You get a haunted dummy (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZ_H-_NI4SU).

I insert a name.

GuesssWho
2015-10-29, 02:32 AM
You get a game.

I insert my brain fog.

Insane Trystane
2015-10-29, 01:31 PM
You get a smart frog.

I insert about ten minutes of free time.

Dudeons
2015-10-29, 02:41 PM
You get a kid whitewashing a fence.

I insert a complete Thanksgiving dinner that I stole from my parents from one month in the future.

Emperordaniel
2015-10-29, 04:16 PM
You get Mark Watney.

I insert a request for a 3D printer.

Inevitability
2015-10-29, 04:29 PM
You get a request for a 3D printer so that your 3D printer can be 3D printed.

I insert a new thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?454052-D-amp-D-Vending-Machine-XXVIII-Output-not-guaranteed&p=20011939#post20011939).