I summon a celestial badger and it bites your ankle... [Archive]

Scumbaggery

2013-10-31, 03:24 PM

Norin

2013-10-31, 03:24 PM

"Damn, another thread by CyberDrag? Oh my!"

:smallbiggrin:
Teehee...

ryu

2013-10-31, 03:24 PM

''And now for the thousands of pets hiding in my other sleeve to join the fighting.''

lytokk

2013-10-31, 03:28 PM

Toss up between "The donkey's name is Buttnugget?" and "You're a half-orc monk with a donkey for a dad?"

Those weren't the same player, same game, or even same group.

Spore

2013-10-31, 03:32 PM

After saving a noble's son, who is rumored to be gay, by my rogue:

"So we went out to save a princess, and all we got was the queen."

gooddragon1

2013-10-31, 03:32 PM

"Anal consumption of a pineapple."

In my defence, I was quoting.

The barbarian makes his save of course.

===

"You make your save against the reflux elemental's aura and suffer only a mild case of heartburn."

I was the DM. Someone had run a game with fire elementals and misnamed the reflex save and I thought of an elemental that does acid damage.

drax75

2013-10-31, 03:34 PM

I didnt say it, one of my players said this in one of my Star Wars campaigns.

They were stuck on Coruscant during the Yuuzhan Vong Invasion they had to get to the spaceport but the only path was a long stretch of bridge. they only had at best some hover cars against 100 Vong and 2 Living Ships.

"Lets tank up the hover cars with spare PlaSteel and just head straight at them across the bridge!"

It did not end well....

Oh and i had a character that was Orc Half Silver Dragon named Drax, but everyone of the characters called him "Tuca" in game.

T.U.C.A= The Ugliest Creature Alive.

illyahr

2013-10-31, 03:47 PM

The one phrase that has saved the PC's collective butts more than anything else:

"Wait, I only thought that." :smallbiggrin:

Also, for your consideration:

"No, you may not enlsave the kobolds to work the mine for you. Not even by threatening them with horrid disease. And no threatening to eat their toes either." After saving a group of kobolds who had been cursed with a magical form of leprosy.

Daftendirekt

2013-10-31, 04:01 PM

In a one-shot my group played years ago, our characters were hired by a town to rid it of raiding bugbears.

The person hiring us informed us: "They are not here now, but they always come back!"

To which my filthy dwarf barbarian responded "Huh, just like my herpes!"

Maginomicon

2013-10-31, 04:03 PM

Not me, and I'm paraphrasing: "Using Psychic Telekinesis, I chuck the dungeon into the sun."

Malimar

2013-10-31, 04:05 PM

"I summon a house into the gap in the dam."

In fact, any statement that includes the phrase "I summon a house", really.

Jormengand

2013-10-31, 04:07 PM

"I attempt to intimidate our own oracle."

ddude987

2013-10-31, 04:08 PM

"Stealth rock...wait wrong game."

Zanos

2013-10-31, 04:15 PM

"Why do you have leathery bat wings?"
"A rather unfortunate accident involving my bat familiar and a teleportation circle. Quite tragic."

Ah, the joys of maxed bluff on a vampire sorcerer.

Draconi Redfir

2013-10-31, 04:15 PM

"Well they haven't completely dissolved yet, lets use their corpses as stepping stones to get across!"

Crake

2013-10-31, 04:18 PM

not one of my quotes but "Of all the dead bodies I've seen... that was definitely one of them." In reference to the party's dead paladin who spontaneously came back to life.

Snowbluff

2013-10-31, 04:23 PM

"You are the chosen goblin! It was foretold in the prophecy that you will free your people from the clutches of evil!"

Erik Vale

2013-10-31, 04:25 PM

My DM, refering to me, whilst I was being carried by a flying fighter with far to high WBL. I had just been shot whilst I was being carried to safety as I was much less mobile.

"He goes limp in your hands."

He didn't even realise what he said at the time, but the table broke down for a few minutes.

Shining Wrath

2013-10-31, 04:27 PM

"He's preaching to the choir!"

WRT the Cleric trying to convince the Bard without realizing the Bard already agreed with him.

Deox

2013-10-31, 04:27 PM

*Produces a thick branch and wields as a club.

PC A - "What's that?"

PC B - "A druid finding stick. An extremely rare and potent artifact."

PC A - "How does it work?"

PC B - "Brilliantly! I bash animals on the head. If they say 'ouch!' I know it's a druid."

Dusk Eclipse

2013-10-31, 04:31 PM

"Did I get surprise on the tree?"

Craft (Cheese)

2013-10-31, 04:34 PM

"It'd be your wildest sex fantasies come true, if not for the Shoggoth."

Elricaltovilla

2013-10-31, 04:37 PM

"I roll to pin."

while flying 350 feet up in the air and in a grapple with an Red Dragon Wyrm.

Amphetryon

2013-10-31, 05:13 PM

"Guys, help! The Goblin has me pinned!"

Seto

2013-10-31, 05:14 PM

My DM (the warrior was randomly trying to hurl a pendulum at a priest) : "Ok... You roll a STR check to see if you can lift it, a DEX check to see if you can aim... And a WIS check to see if you don't suddenly go crazy contemplating the nonsense you're doing."

Same DM (a player kept asking all the time "shouldn't I roll for that ? and that ?") : "If you wanna play it that way... Roll a WIS check, DC -5, every 2 seconds to see if you don't forget to breathe."

Blueiji

2013-10-31, 05:23 PM

You take 23 points of bovine damage.

Helcack

2013-10-31, 05:41 PM

"We're working for the camel."

ArqArturo

2013-10-31, 05:48 PM

The spanish equivalent to "The Barbarian has sundered your ball", because, after defeating a flock of griffons, and finding their nests, the fighter picked two, and the barbarian demanded one. He said no, and so the barbarian sundered an egg.

So, in spanish it was "El Barbaro te ha roto un huevo". We all laughed for a good while, and it sort of became a running gag whenever someone took the Sunder feat.

Alaris

2013-10-31, 05:51 PM

My slightly-crazed Russian-esque Wizard (who tends to like the Fireball spell) managed to actually threaten someone by saying "If you don't let her go... I'll go into Politics!"

It actually made the enemy rethink his plan... or at least double-take.

karkus

2013-10-31, 05:52 PM

"Damn, another thread by CyberDrag? Oh my!"

:smallbiggrin:
Teehee...

You have to admit that he asks all the important questions that the rest of us are too afraid to ask :smallbiggrin:

"Are you guys, like, 100% sure that we should waste the horses with our fireballs? That seems loud. And mean." That was a quote from my Half-Orc Barbarian character, who was obviously not raised by barbaric Orcs... :smallredface:

Brookshw

2013-10-31, 06:10 PM

It took me a while to warm up to it but I do like cyberdrags posts.

Does pre-campaign planning count?
Player 1: so I was thinking of going psionics for the epic planar campaign.
DM (me): ughh, couldn't you play a wizard instead?

Previously: well sure they can do that, they have the favored of the DM feet.

Erberor

2013-10-31, 06:17 PM

"I start a grapple with the tower of ten bearnicorns (bear unicorns)"-me

"I sit in the poptart chair" -a friend

to which the DM responds,

"You gain the ability to produce your weight in poptarts everyday"

Zanos

2013-10-31, 06:32 PM

Here's one that I nearly forgot about. Don't ask.

DM: "*sighs deeply* Alright. It's about to get sexual in here, everyone roll for initiative."

Icewraith

2013-10-31, 06:57 PM

(takes place in a very deep vertical mine shaft containing a very unlucky monk and no fewer than three angry beholders)

Friend: "Clink-meow clink-meow clink meow"
Me (DM): "What's that?"
Friend: "That's me [defecating] steel kittens!"
(I'm not sure if someone got that from somewhere or spontaneously invented it, but it became a thing at our table)

(a round or two later, the bottom of the shaft is rapidly approaching)

"I slow fall"
Me: "you take *roll* nine damage from being hit by the steel kittens you've been [defecating] on the way down as the beholders chase you. It's like spitting into the wind, only much worse."

kabreras

2013-10-31, 07:01 PM

"Sorry, i was looking for the toilets"

Der_DWSage

2013-10-31, 07:07 PM

'Fine, let's settle things with a card game. I propose Bridge.'
After which, he unshrunk a bridge (One of the PF magic items, I don't feel like looking it up) and dropped it on him.

grarrrg

2013-10-31, 07:15 PM

ArqArturo

2013-10-31, 07:25 PM

Tis Boo! The mighty miniature giant space hamster!

A dhampir gunslinger, after a long time of grueling research and adventuring, creating (and selling her schematic of) her very first bullet for her recently-invented six-shooter pistol, and explaining it to a merchant of a merchant's guild:

"These are the Holy Avengers, baby. This is the Rod of Lordly Might, the Rings of Wizardry. This is a kinetic-kill, side-winder magical bullet with a secondary antimagical burst. It's capable of busting a keep under the keep you just busted. If it were any smarter, it'd write a book, a book that would make Elminster's spellbook look like it was written in crayon. It would read it to you. This is my Waterdeep. This is my Deck of Wonders. My Staff of Power. It's completely elegant, it's bafflingly beautiful, and it's capable of reducing the population of any standing structure to zero. I call it "The Ex-Mistress..."

Kuulvheysoon

2013-10-31, 07:29 PM

A dhampir gunslinger, after a long time of grueling research and adventuring, creating (and selling her schematic of) her very first bullet for her recently-invented six-shooter pistol, and explaining it to a merchant of a merchant's guild:

"These are the Holy Avengers, baby. This is the Rod of Lordly Might, the Rings of Wizardry. This is a kinetic-kill, side-winder magical bullet with a secondary antimagical burst. It's capable of busting a keep under the keep you just busted. If it were any smarter, it'd write a book, a book that would make Elminster's spellbook look like it was written in crayon. It would read it to you. This is my Waterdeep. This is my Deck of Wonders. My Staff of Power. It's completely elegant, it's bafflingly beautiful, and it's capable of reducing the population of any standing structure to zero. I call it "The Ex-Mistress..."

I declare this thread won through the awesome reference.

ArqArturo

2013-10-31, 07:31 PM

I declare this thread won through the awesome reference.

I was gonna make the player do a Diplomacy check to see how much he could take for the schematic's price, but after that line, there was no roll. Only laughter :smallbiggrin:.

Kuulvheysoon

2013-10-31, 07:34 PM

I was gonna make the player do a Diplomacy check to see how much he could take for the schematic's price, but after that line, there was no roll. Only laughter :smallbiggrin:.

And deservedly so! The only thing that would make it better would be it it didn't work at all.

ArqArturo

2013-10-31, 07:36 PM

And deservedly so! The only thing that would make it better would be it it didn't work at all.

Nah, it did work. But, it was just a non-magical bullet (I was hoping for a missfire, though).

MesiDoomstalker

2013-10-31, 07:38 PM

"Further more! When your going to barge in and try to incinerate your quarrel, Arceus Judged you Laurent you have located his proper abode! Your folly could have caused innocents to fell to your incendiary weaponry, and surely to draw more attention that your brutish method would have wrought originally. If you had barged in on any other couple, they will have surely informed the proper authority post haste."

The above is after an overly buff man sporting a flamethrower barged into my characters hotel room just as he was changing. He only had a shirt on. It was quite funny, the guy kind of just stood their baffled.

Kuulvheysoon

2013-10-31, 07:40 PM

Nah, it did work. But, it was just a non-magical bullet (I was hoping for a missfire, though).

That would have been epic.

Malimar

2013-10-31, 07:41 PM

"I cast unnatural lust. One of the ettin's heads falls in love with the other one."

"My slug horks up a glob of acid at the foe." -- repeatedly. Also "My slug licks the foe."

Darrin

2013-10-31, 07:45 PM

"Unlike most sewers, don't lick the walls!"

Invader

2013-10-31, 07:46 PM

"Damn, another thread by CyberDrag? Oh my!"

:smallbiggrin:
Teehee...

Good I thought I was the only one who thought this on a daily basis :smallamused:

Eshkigal

2013-10-31, 07:49 PM

"Oh yeah?! THEN I AM THE QUEEN OF THIS CORNER!"-Dark Sun campaign, Locust, male thri kreen while chained to a wall. Doesn't understand what a queen is.

"I toss a meat pie made from Reg and pie the drey!"-Locust, trying to distract BBEG from the sorceror and his friend.

"Halflings? Oh, those guys! I call them happy meals."-Locust, did I mention he was a cannibal too?

CyberThread

2013-10-31, 08:05 PM

Good I thought I was the only one who thought this on a daily basis :smallamused:

Cyber Threading! ... it is now a thing

Esprit15

2013-10-31, 08:55 PM

"If you so much as wind up in the same building, Jessica and I will give you a very different threesome than you are likely used to.
...
That was a threat, just in case you didn't grasp that."

Context: Team Breeder (basically the Bards of the system) was shocked that girls don't like their boyfriends to hit on other girls.

"You know, you should really empty your history at some point, Ennis. It gets very tiresome digging through some of...those videos and pictures... I'd suggest a change in that password and to stop looking up porn before a virus ruins your phone."

Context: Nope, none needed there.

Not me, but a game I was in: "No Mr Wailord, don't do that to Miss Skitty!"

Or there.

Slide

2013-10-31, 10:22 PM

"I cast GAY!"
"That's Color Spray."
"I'm flicking my wrist and throwing a magical rainbow at them. Same difference, honey."

"How do you what?! Huh... okay. Roll grapple to pin the strapping young sailor, then roll again at a -5 circumstance penalty to attempt to violate him."

(later)

"What gives you the right to judge me, just because I buggered one sailor? I mean, you put this Mark of Justice on me, blew me up with Explosive Runes, and threw that golden dust in my face! How's that for evil acts!?"
"The fact that I haven't buggered any whimpering sailors."

"You point your finger at the kobold and a small ball of fire flies from your fingertip and engulfs it!"
"Whoa, that's awesome. I can do that?! I love this game. Wait- can I make it come from my tits instead? Can I have flame-tits?"
"Congrats. You're the only sorcerer in the entire world who shoots fireballs from her tits."
"YES! Honey, I have magical tits!"
(boyfriend gazes appreciatively)
"Yes, yes you do."

"I have a magical underground riding cow!"
(The party has just encountered rothe for the first time)

"Wait- How does someone who casts Magic Missile with two missiles also cast a Wall of Fire? Isn't that a really high level spell?"
(Serene DM smile)
"THAT ILLUSION-CASTING @#$!"

Jergmo

2013-10-31, 10:25 PM

"What are your characters' sexual orientations, anyway?"
"Is bestiality an answer?"
Everyone pauses. "...Yes."

One of the few RL campaigns I played in with my roommates and our friends. The player had created a CN halfling rogue who spent most of his starting wealth on sheep, simply to challenge the confines of the campaign. ...It was not my campaign.

A previous campaign of mine, in which the party face was a paladin focusing on polearms on horseback. Upon my description of an adult Fang dragon flying through a canyon they were approaching:

"I charge."

geekintheground

2013-10-31, 10:42 PM

me: i use my bag of tricks, what do i get?
dm: a weasel.
me: good, i swing it by the tail and lob it at the goblins!

ericgrau

2013-10-31, 10:50 PM

"I pull out my new staff and cast protection from weaponized horticulture."

EvilJames

2013-10-31, 10:53 PM

Player: He looks like he's about to die anyway. (referring to an old man he was sneaking up on and trying to justify attacking him)
Me(the DM): He only looks like he's about to die because you are standing behind him with a knife.

In a planescape game: You see a squirrel sitting on a fence, chattering away as it tries to break open a nut. Suddenly a cow eats it.

Kane0

2013-10-31, 11:13 PM

"I step into the flames and promptly disappear."
"Isn't that suicide?"
"That's the idea"

Akal Saris

2013-10-31, 11:19 PM

"My god, that's impossible! How could that illusionist summon 20 death knights?!"

One of my PCs, spoken without the slightest hint of irony :P

Big Fau

2013-10-31, 11:24 PM

It would be hard to pin down a single line, but just about everything the two katanas one of my friends got as a quest reward said was golden.

Then again, they were intelligent magic weapons with the personalties of Deadpool...

ArqArturo

2013-11-01, 12:01 AM

Me: "I think I'm going to roll an illumian"

DM: "Another one!? This is the third character you make in this session, not to mention your previous two illumians that died! No, at this rate you'll extinguish the illumian race!"

Me: :smallfrown:

DM: "... Ok, damn it, roll another illumian"

CyberThread

2013-11-01, 12:19 AM

You could say that ArqArturo single handled destroyed the ...illuminati

ArqArturo

2013-11-01, 12:23 AM

You could say that ArqArturo single handled destroyed the ...illuminati

It's all in the eye of the beholder :smallamused:.

Red Rubber Band

2013-11-01, 12:25 AM

You could say that ArqArturo single handled destroyed the ...illuminati

Don't you mean... Illumianati?

Sir Chuckles

2013-11-01, 12:26 AM

"What's the emotion for zombie?"

-My DM, after I send my low-level familiar to scout

"You walk into the temple and you see *player*; he's fourteen feet tall, on fire, raging, naked, and actively getting "blessed".

-Me, DMing for the most convoluted campaign I've ever run.

"Extremely important that I get a comprehensive list of the drugs, and their effects, you're carrying right now."

-Me, to the Ninja who's inventory includes essentially every fantasy drug from every Sci-Fi media ever.

I probably have more, but they happen pretty much every session.

Draconi Redfir

2013-11-01, 12:30 AM

In an old campain, annother guy is leading the party and he opens a door to find a trio of ghouls feasting on newly dead corpse in a room that appears to be made of blood and flesh.

"...Enjoy your meal." *closes door*

Faer Gnomeblood

2013-11-01, 01:31 AM

After an encounter in an evil temple there is nothing but a pool of blood by an altar.

"We use the cultists intestines to suck the blood out"

DM threatened to introduce sanity points.

Hyena

2013-11-01, 01:38 AM

I hit the demigod of evil in the face. With a stick.

Yukitsu

2013-11-01, 01:40 AM

Speaking of sanity points:

"Vorarephilia is considered a flaw? Taking that as a flaw is like getting two free feats."

Alleran

2013-11-01, 01:43 AM

GM: "You wake up in the forest-"
Player: "Oh, ******* ****, it's those ******* pixies again."

Craft (Cheese)

2013-11-01, 01:46 AM

DM: "Another one!? This is the third character you make in this session, not to mention your previous two illumians that died! No, at this rate you'll extinguish the illumian race!"

"Good riddance."

The Blackbird

2013-11-01, 01:48 AM

"It speaks words so evil it makes you go insane!!!"

And slightly paraphrased but, "I cannot attack it, it is an endangered species..."

gartius

2013-11-01, 03:11 AM

ME:"Attention goblins we have you surrounded! surrender now or we will read poetry at you!"

Goblins: "What does surrender mean?"

...

(Later on reading said poetry to distract the goblins from killing our half dead magus)

ME: Guys trust me this is totally going to work they are afraid of anything literature.
Half-dead magus: Actually they are only afraid of writing
Goblins: Wait we're only afraid of writing? (proceeds to ignore the distraction and kill said magus.

Bullet06320

2013-11-01, 03:47 AM

right after killing a red dragon, while harvesting its body parts,
the wizards askes the dm if its male or female?
dm: um, male
wiz: ok, human seaman is viable for 72 hours after death, I would assume dragon seaman is similar, so I milk the dead dragon. how much do I get?
dm: um WTF are u gonna do with that
wiz: impregnate sum goblins and breed halfdragon minions
dm: pounded head off desk, ok u can get a gallon

Hyena

2013-11-01, 05:50 AM

Snip
Wow. This is the new level of disgusting.

BWR

2013-11-01, 07:13 AM

I can't recall if I've posted this one yet but
Player: "Can Remove Curse get rid of pregnancies?"

Me: so lemme get this straight: you are getting an Iron Circlet of Guarded Souls (http://paizo.com/pathfinderRPG/prd/ultimateEquipment/wondrousItems/head.html#_iron-circlet-of-guarded-souls) and taking your kid to your temple in another country?
Player: yes
Me: why?
Player: because I don't want [him] taking my baby
Me: The kid's father, who you know for a fact is lawful neutral, thoroughly in love with you, will not lie and has already said he respects your religious differences and will not try to monoplize your kid but just wants him to be safe while you suicidally go out trying to commit regicide by hunting near-epic wizards?
Player: yes

Player 1: I send her a Sending that her home town has been destroyed by a dragon and her church burnt to the ground
Player 2: I respond "is it an emergency?"
Me *scribble scribble scribble*
(later)
Player 3: We're teleporting to the town
Player 2: I'm staying. We said we'd meet up again two weeks, so I'm going to relax a bit.
Other players: WTF? Player 4's father is dead, the entire valley is partially destroyed and your home is burnt to the ground and you have no idea if your friends there are ok or not.
Player 2: It's not an emergency right now, is it? I mean, the dragon is nowhere in sight of you guys, right?
Me: You are no longer Good, you are thoroughly Chaotic Neutral, with some evil tendencies.
Player 2: Wait, I go along with them.

I like that player , he's fun to play with and a great guy, but he has the weirdest ideas of what constitutes 'good' and comes up with really weird, overly complicated IC lies and explanations for anything his characters do. KISS is not a concept he remembers a lot.

MesiDoomstalker

2013-11-01, 09:13 AM

"And the plot devices hate it!"
That was out of character.

Another character to mine, whilst fighting a lawmen as an entry exam.
"Lorenzo, are you getting arrested?" I promptly lost.

"I tell the drow's to bow down to me"
All the drow in the party start bowing to my dwarf.
"Silly peasants."

We were trying to convince a goblin tribe I was a king. It was really fun watching all the female drow squirm to show subservience.

Karoht

2013-11-01, 09:30 AM

Illusionist makes a wall of fire look like a harmless and cuddly pile of bunny rabbits. Thog, a half-orc fighter, is particularly fond of bunnies.
Thog walks into the fire.
"Aaaaaah. Thog on bunnies! Thog ON BUNNIES!"

I'm a WoW player. So for that reason it physically hurt me to say this:
"I stand in the fire to hide from the wolves."
Now sure, the fire was illusionary and caused me no pain, and I knew that going in. And as smart an idea as it was (successfully negated an encounter, because I had a very vulnerable non-combatant with me), I knew the party would never let me live it down.

Lokd0wn

2013-11-01, 09:43 AM

"Err, what's the range increment of a crocodile?"

Chronos

2013-11-01, 09:45 AM

"I am sent by the gods on a holy quest to hit things, and hit things I will."

--My clerzilla, after the party had just gotten their first glimpse of how powerful our enemies were, and were beginning to have second thoughts

Amphetryon

2013-11-01, 09:46 AM

"Err, what's the range increment of a crocodile?"

Ask Akal Saris. Trust me on this one.

Deathkeeper

2013-11-01, 09:55 AM

"So, no one wants to know how I came back from the dead with a Deck of Many Things in my pocket? No? Well, moving on, then."

illyahr

2013-11-01, 10:02 AM

Player 1: Oops, I speared the dolphin with the harpoon gun. I think I made a narwhal.
Player 2: Wait, can I swing that around as a weapon and hit the dire shark with it?
DM: ...What?
Both turn to me as the resident rules guru
Me: Ummm... Improvised weapon, so -4 to attack...
Player 2: I have righteous might and bull's strength active so no big deal.
Me: I would call it a huge flail, so another -8 on attack rolls
*rolls dice, natural 20*
Everybody: LMAO, roll to confirm!
*rolls again, total of 14*
DM: Well, you confirm. You deal 76 damage to the dire shark. It is now horrified that it has a harpooned dolphin-narwahl sticking out of its eye. It lets out a bellow of fear and dies of a heart attack.

CyberThread

2013-11-01, 10:02 AM

Gnome looks up between the giants legs

Player Says : I throw my daggers at the two dangling things

illyahr

2013-11-01, 10:09 AM

Gnome looks up between the giants legs

Player Says : I throw my daggers at the two dangling things

Only two? :smallwink:

Jormengand

2013-11-01, 10:11 AM

Only two? :smallwink:

Do I want to know why the other thing isn't dangling?

Seto

2013-11-01, 10:24 AM

"Ok, you loot the goblin's corpse... You find 5gp and a tuna sandwich."

CyberThread

2013-11-01, 10:35 AM

Do I want to know why the other thing isn't dangling?

Eunuch Warlock

illyahr

2013-11-01, 10:49 AM

Eunuch Warlock

Point, CyberDrag. Nice play :smallcool:

ArqArturo

2013-11-01, 11:29 AM

Eunuch Warlock

Seriously, Eunuch anything is sort of sad.

Eunuch Warlock? Sad
Eunuch Warrior? Sadder still
Eunuch Bard? Trips on his own rapier
Eunuch Wizard? That's a redundancy :smallbiggrin:

Chronos

2013-11-01, 11:42 AM

But a eunuch would only have one dangling thing.

Kuulvheysoon

2013-11-01, 11:47 AM

But a eunuch would only have one dangling thing.

Unless he's a yuan-ti.:smallamused:

ArqArturo

2013-11-01, 11:47 AM

But a eunuch would only have one dangling thing.

And a really good bonus for Bluff/Diplomacy/Sense Motive/Gather Information (http://youtu.be/BV6ecIfYBg4).

kellbyb

2013-11-01, 12:02 PM

Fortunately, this one wasn't mine:

"I nail my hand to the wall."

There really is no context for this one.

manyslayer

2013-11-01, 12:11 PM

Not me but a player in our group when trying to haggle with a merchant. "Well, I'll wear a dress if you'll go down." He was playing a centaur at the time.

In a cyberpunk campaign, we rescued a girl from some gangers and our driver ran them over with our armored SUV.
Player 1:"Check to see what they have on them."
Player 2: "A truck."

denthor

2013-11-01, 12:15 PM

After saving a noble's son, who is rumored to be gay, by my rogue:

"So we went out to save a princess, and all we got was the queen."

I am so going to use this as an adventure hook!!!

YES YES YES:cool:

DSmaster21

2013-11-01, 01:52 PM

Player: *Charms Ogre*
Me: You can ask him to do something before your turn ends.
Player: *Rolls* 20 I say "Get rid of your club"
Me: *Rolls against against Failed* He throws it at the most annoying player at the table.
A-Player: **** You
Me: *Rolls* 1 *draws from paizo critical miss deck* Lose Item but it was ...
Players: It flings it into the air and it disappears.
Me: I guess ... It throws its club up and the club catches on a cloud.

(I just kind of roll with all the insanity)

Daftendirekt

2013-11-01, 03:20 PM

Eunuch Warlock

Erm, then there'd only be one dangling thing. Eunuchs lose the beans, not the frank.

evisiron

2013-11-01, 05:45 PM

DM: "As he unbuckled his trousers, you catch sight of his massive horse-like appendage."

He was trying to describe that one of the mutants legs was a horse leg. The DM is such an innocent chap that the above line had us in stitches.

CyberThread

2013-11-01, 05:57 PM

Erm, then there'd only be one dangling thing. Eunuchs lose the beans, not the frank.

Did a ranged sunder... and split it in half...

Dayaz

2013-11-01, 07:01 PM

Me: "I light the castle on fire and loot after everyone runs."
DM: How? The castle is on fire...
Me: I'm immune to fire. Everyone else, however, I doubt it, since we've already discovered that the highest level artificer and spellcaster are roughly level 4. Therefore, I will simply stuff everything into my bags of holding and tell them I tried to save the princess.
DM: ...-sighs- Okay, what are you doing to the princess?
Me: Putting her in a bag of holding. I need to feed my Vampires anyway, and it'll be amusing to depose the idiot king and let his undead daughter rule at my side as my loyal slave.
DM: -headdesk-

Jormengand

2013-11-01, 07:03 PM

Eunuch Warlock

Was more thinking that the other thing wasn't dangling down because it was going up instead, but...

Scumbaggery

2013-11-01, 07:13 PM

Oh! I just remembered another one.

Player A: "Search 14. So what do we find on the goblin corpses?"
DM: "3 gold and a +1 Longspear."
Player B: "But none of the goblins were carrying spears. Or bags. Where was it?"
DM: "Well, uh..."
Me: "Taking 20 on Search. I'm going in elbows deep."

Jergmo

2013-11-01, 07:35 PM

I'd like to point out the second quote in spoilers under my sig, which should also be taken into consideration that demons are resistant to fire.

The first quote is not ridiculous by any means. Everyone should sunder a castle wall with an adamantine greatsword at least once.

ArqArturo

2013-11-01, 07:49 PM

Back in my early days of DnD (started in the dying days of 2nd, and early days of 3rd), I played a 3.0 druid, and reading on Flame Strike, I thought it worked like the Kame-Hame-Ha (http://youtu.be/3TuiiWK1J4E) of Goku. So, this happened when facing a black dragon.

Me: I use Flame Strike underneath the dragon
DM: You sure? You're under the dragon yourself, as well as your party
Me: I know, that's why I'm using it.
Rest of the players: :smalleek:
DM: :belkar:

Cirrylius

2013-11-01, 09:43 PM

"This is seriously our plan on avoiding encumbrance penalties? We're going to row across the Plain of Infinite Portals in a Levitating rowboat?"

Qwertystop

2013-11-01, 10:23 PM

Well. This is a bit weak by comparison, but:

A third joined the group, perching on an unused sconce.

(This is in the party introduction. Everyone is a criminal/mobster. A sconce is, in this tech-level, basically a torch bracket on the wall.)

erok0809

2013-11-02, 03:11 AM

My friend's, in a PvP campaign where he was a centaur ranger. This was his very first D&D experience.

Friend: "I make an overrun attempt to get past their leader. *Roll* 29?"
DM: "He got an 18. Okay, so you successfully overrun him and make it to the stairs--"
Other Player: "Hold on, you're a centaur. You should totally roll for ****-slapping. Make two rolls, one for length, and one for slapping!"
Friend (Nervously): "Uh, 17 on length, 12 on slapping."
DM: "You hit him in the face with it. He is disgusted."

AzureKnight

2013-11-02, 03:25 AM

I mount my horse... 3am and perverted players... they laugh, the dm laughs i die a little inside.... enough said.

Ansem

2013-11-02, 06:19 AM

"I glare at him, being aware that I have no eyes nor eyesockets"

Bruenin

2013-11-02, 11:48 AM

"What I hold within my hands is the greatest and most powerful weapon in the entire history of Toril. No, much more than that. What I have here is the most powerful object in all of the planes! With just one nudge of its power, it could annihilate the entirety of existence as anyone knows it to be and rewrite it in its own image. Do you dare test the power of my weapon? Have at you!"

This was in reference to a small hamster I had found, and I rolled a natural 20 on my bluff against some highwaymen attempting to shake us down.

Did you win? It's a -20 for a completely unbelievable lie, so it'd be your skill rank against whatever they rolled plus their ranks. That seems like it could be tense, unless your skills are crazy optimized : P.

I'm trying to imagine what I would do if I honestly and truly believed someone had a hamster of destruction and they threatened me with it. I think my mind would break

Scumbaggery

2013-11-02, 01:15 PM

Did you win? It's a -20 for a completely unbelievable lie, so it'd be your skill rank against whatever they rolled plus their ranks. That seems like it could be tense, unless your skills are crazy optimized : P.

I'm trying to imagine what I would do if I honestly and truly believed someone had a hamster of destruction and they threatened me with it. I think my mind would break

The DM rolled their sense motive and didn't say anything at first.

But then I threw the hamster at them when they took a tentative step closer and they immediately dropped their weapons and began crying. :smallbiggrin:

Needless to say, we grabbed their weapons and turned the tables on them. I was playing a Blufflomancer at the time (as I frequently do), so it was fairly optimized. I actually think I used my longsword only one time the entire campaign.

Werephilosopher

2013-11-02, 02:07 PM

"I grab the orc chief by his privates and fling him into the bonfire!"

I didn't say this, the party's Half-Orc Barbarian (named Peanut) did. He was fighting an Orc chief one on one for leadership of the chief's tribe. They had no armor.... or clothes, and were covered in oil. The chief tries to bullrush Peanut into a bonfire, but only manages to knock him over right in front of it. Peanut reaches up, and.... well, let's just say it was an amusing fight.

Another interesting exchange, same campaign:
DM: "The vampire is helpless before you, but no one said they had a stake to kill it!"
Peanut: "I take my golden d**** and stab the vampire in the heart!"
DM: "....yeah ok, that works."

And yes, Peanut had a reason for having one of those. :smallbiggrin:

Pokonic

2013-11-02, 02:21 PM

"So, for clarity, who are we supposed to be rooting for again?"

"The mage."

"But one's a baby-eating necromancer who makes mixed drinks from orphan tears and the other is a devil-worshiping racist human who wears elven skin bootsies."

"The one who is our party member!"

ChaChaPanda

2013-11-02, 03:46 PM

"I non-lethally throw my bastard sword at him."

My dragonborn cleric after being pickpocketed of a ruby we needed for a ritual. Apparently the above wasn't an acceptable method of non-evil subdual, so I just flew after him and tackled him into the ground.

BrokenChord

2013-11-02, 03:51 PM

"Um, guys, I really appreciate you rooting for me to fight the bugbear one on one, but I just remembered I left my sword and shield upstairs while I was diplomancing the water elemental. ... Screw it, I'm a Paladin. Hey DM, can I Smite with my fist for cool points?"

HolyCouncilMagi

2013-11-02, 04:01 PM

It's a toss-up between "I pull the fish out from the Barbarian's butt" and "So does the internal lining of the stomach count as a solid surface for summoning? Because I would much rather be part of the most disgusting explosion in history than give this poor sap indigestion."

ArqArturo

2013-11-02, 09:29 PM

In a fight between me (playing a sorcerer), a paladin, vs a red dragon.

DM: The dragon's not sure who to eat first. Roll a Charisma check
Me: Why?
DM: To see who's more delicious to the dragon

Angelalex242

2013-11-02, 09:48 PM

Proper response if you're playing the sorcerer.

"Pfffft, everyone knows virgins taste better. I've been laid. Paladin boy, probably not..."

Evandar

2013-11-02, 09:51 PM

This thread is gold.

I was DMing a campaign for two with a Barbarian and Rogue. They were second level and using some insanely punishing combat rules. They were on a cliff, infiltrating a group of mercenaries who were about to enact their nefarious plot. The enemy leader was standing on the edge of the cliff.

The rogue draws his weapon slowly from behind the group. The barbarian declares a bull rush and straight up hurls their leader off the edge.

He turns around. The rogue stares at the barbarian. The barbarian stares at the rogue. They both stare at the mercenaries. The mercenaries stare at the barbarian, dumbfounded at the unexpected betrayal.

The barbarian's player throws his hands in the air and yells "MUTINY!".

Cue ten minutes of laughter.

Scumbaggery

2013-11-02, 09:53 PM

Zale

2013-11-02, 11:44 PM

Can I harvest the succubus's organs?

ryu

2013-11-02, 11:48 PM

Can I harvest the succubus's organs?

Should at least be done to see if any of them are aphrodisiacs. Do you have any idea how much that would revolutionize the economy in several areas? Now I'm a bit biased with the businesses I like to found in games, but it's still a rational thing to do from a profit perspective.

Zale

2013-11-03, 12:00 AM

There was also the time when our druid turned into a bear, climbed a tree and then defecated on a guard's head.

The guard had wolf-whistled at her earlier.

We made it out of town with a minimum of pitchforks, though. I even got a spear out of it.

The spear was lodged in my pancreas, admittedly, but it was still free.

Randomocity132

2013-11-03, 01:39 AM

"I grease the rhino."

CyberThread

2013-11-03, 01:43 AM

I now push the rhino towards the wizard, I want to do a ranged attack.

Chronos

2013-11-03, 06:53 AM

There was also the time when our druid turned into a bear, climbed a tree and then defecated on a guard's head.

Was this in the woods?

supervillan

2013-11-03, 08:14 AM

"sniff my mystic vapours!"

and these two were both improvised songs, although I can only remember the first lines and the general themes:

"I knew a man whose horse got turned into a porcupine" and
"a wizard's staff has a knob on the end, knob on the end, knob on the end..."

LadyLexi

2013-11-03, 09:20 AM

"I hide my true holy symbol in my vagina"
or
"He's the potato paladin of neutrality."

While DMing,
"All of the whores were half-orcs, you have shamed your family and stained your fine tunic."

Jormengand

2013-11-03, 10:00 AM

"I hide my true holy symbol in my vagina"

Doesn't your holy symbol have to be displayed prominently to function? :smalleek:

hymer

2013-11-03, 11:05 AM

Not if you are priestess of the god of fertility, and your true holy symbol is your uterus. But I have a feeling that's not the case here, and it was 'merely' a way to conceal it (in which case not using it was acceptable for a while - if indeed it was a game technical holy symbol). But I digress. I wonder why...

HolyCouncilMagi

2013-11-03, 11:36 AM

Doesn't your holy symbol have to be displayed prominently to function? :smalleek:

I fail to see why it's location in that area prevents it from being displayed prominently...

hymer

2013-11-03, 11:46 AM

@ HolyCouncilMagi: Less porn for you, my friend. It's starting to affect your judgment, I'm afraid. :smallwink:

Edit: Seriously, hiding something like that means going fairly deep (think of tampon use). Display would imply the use of a speculum.

Jormengand

2013-11-03, 11:51 AM

I fail to see why it's location in that area prevents it from being displayed prominently...

Ouch! You have walked into the point. Take 1d8 piercing damage!

Angelalex242

2013-11-03, 11:53 AM

I thought of what kind of things you could do with harvested succbus organs...

Lesser and greater potions of lust came to mind...as well something a female could eat that not only garunteed she'd become pregnant, but that the baby would become a half fiend.

Chronos

2013-11-03, 12:24 PM

Quoth Supervillain:

and these two were both improvised songs, although I can only remember the first lines and the general themes:

"I knew a man whose horse got turned into a porcupine" and
"a wizard's staff has a knob on the end, knob on the end, knob on the end..."
Actually, "A Wizard's Staff has a Knob on the End" is from the Discworld books. I don't know if the full lyrics are ever given, though.

ArqArturo

2013-11-03, 12:32 PM

From reading the kender thread, I remembered my first (and last) Dragonlance campaign, especially this running joke we have:

"What's the noise a ship makes when you combine two kenders and a minotaur? Bloop".

Thunderfist12

2013-11-03, 01:51 PM

"I summon a sheep 300ft. over King Leoric's head."

-Me, playing my half-elf druid in a 3.5e Diablo campaign (long story).

"I cast speak with animals... WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?"

-Me, playing a human druid/bard shortly before breaking into song.

"Guys, I think the kender has us surrounded."

-The blood mage after our kender drove us insane to the point of hallucinating.

"... you lost me at 'kobold-infested whorehouse.'"

-I forget.

Raezeman

2013-11-04, 10:44 AM

the traveling merchant in front of you has a large cart full of magic items, and you are only interested in his top hat?

Joe the Rat

2013-11-04, 11:59 AM

Well, it could be a nice top hat...

Hats seem to be prone to player fascination and weirdness. We no longer have to wear helmets, so now we get to experiment with headgear.

tyckspoon

2013-11-04, 12:31 PM

"
"I cast speak with animals... WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?"

-Me, playing a human druid/bard shortly before breaking into song.

This is bad and you should feel bad.
(I lol'd.)

Rijan_Sai

2013-11-04, 01:38 PM

This is awesome and you should feel awesome.
(I lol'd.)

Fix'd that for ya'!

------------------------------

SUCK AN ELF!!!!!

(Blatantly ripped-off from The 10th Kingdom) Our 3rd level Half-Ogre/Half-Minotaur Crusader//Warblade after walking into a room with about 15 orcs...we're not sure if it was a call of surprise or a battle cry...probably both!

Zubrowka74

2013-11-04, 02:00 PM

"You point your finger at the kobold and a small ball of fire flies from your fingertip and engulfs it!"
"Whoa, that's awesome. I can do that?! I love this game. Wait- can I make it come from my tits instead? Can I have flame-tits?"
"Congrats. You're the only sorcerer in the entire world who shoots fireballs from her tits."

It's been done before... (www.youtube.com/watch?v=7W35dyPTh6o) (obviously NSFW)

Vhaidara

2013-11-04, 02:21 PM

My DM set up a Paladin who is incredibly racist against Evil Outsiders and Elementals (Our group has a tieflling warlock [me] and 2 genasi). So, we exit the evil tower we just cleared and my warlock has his hood up to cover his horns, and the paladin is standing outside (first time the characters met the paladin). For more perspective, we (players) knew a bit about the paladin, including that he is level 20 (we are ECL 8) and that when we meet him, he will have 2 level 10 fighters and 2 level 10 clerics (IE: DO NOT FIGHT THEM YOU WILL LOSE)
So the paladin is a racist **** to the genasi and the homebrew guy , then turns to the dark hooded figure and demands that I remove my hood. i respond that I keep my face hooded because I have suffered terrible burns in my past (true) and I do not wish to sully my honor before so noble a personage (not being sarcastic yet).
The paladin responds that I must remove my hood to restore my honor. At this point, my character's voice goes to his usual caustic sarcasm.
Warlock: So, what you are telling me is that in order to restore my honor, which has not been sullied, I must shame myself by showing my horribly scarred face?
Paladin: Yes.
Warlock: [pause will stupidity aneurism occurs] You're retarded, aren't you?

Yes, my level 7 Tiefling warlock called the highly racist level 20 paladin a retard to his face in a normal conversational tone of voice. And not only lived, but got a freaking ton of roleplaying XP for raw balls.

illyahr

2013-11-04, 02:30 PM

Raezeman

2013-11-04, 02:31 PM

Well, it could be a nice top hat...

Hats seem to be prone to player fascination and weirdness. We no longer have to wear helmets, so now we get to experiment with headgear.

It really was a nice top hat...

Vhaidara

2013-11-04, 02:36 PM

Bigotry having evil overtones aside, this is an absolutely beautiful image. :smallbiggrin:

It's been explained (when we raised that objection) that his village was destroyed by a group of marauding demons and elementals. This is literally his one blind spot, otherwise he basically runs a utopia city. And we still could have gotten him to like us (2 of 5 party members succeeded, one genasi didn't move from dislike, I started at hostile and just went idc, and the other genasi bugged him so much that he passed me for dislike)

Also, all top hats are worth it. Automatic +5000000 to diplomacy.

Deox

2013-11-04, 03:16 PM

"Ready the catapults with ammunition! Set the projectiles on fire then release them at the enemy!"

*the projectiles in question were dozens of dead monks stuffed into a portable hole that eventually suffocated.

Qc Storm

2013-11-04, 03:20 PM

"A zombie conga line is coming through the secret door."

Zombies apparently have no trouble searching for secret doors.

illyahr

2013-11-04, 04:09 PM

It's been explained (when we raised that objection) that his village was destroyed by a group of marauding demons and elementals.

Ahhh, rage born of trauma, you have given us so many superheros that would make terrible roll models. :smalltongue:

RPGaddict28

2013-11-04, 08:33 PM

"So all that's happened all day was you guys got in a bar fight, I threw a women, and we tried to shank a magician"

At a carnival, where I rescued a women from a rapist/slaver, threw her at our bard, then continued to a magic show.

Slipperychicken

2013-11-05, 10:26 AM

"A zombie conga line is coming through the secret door."

Zombies apparently have no trouble searching for secret doors.

Maybe they followed your scent to the door?

ArqArturo

2013-11-05, 10:52 AM

On the early days of my D&D games, the party captured a street urchin because they thought he was a doppelganger out to kill the monk/psion. I was playing a druid that was trying to defend him, because I thought they were being paranoid.

DM: The kid cries 'I'm just a street kid that no one likes!'
Me: He's just a poor boy from a poor family
Everyone else: (laughing histerically) Spare him his life from his monstruosity!

From then on, it all devolved into song :smallbiggrin:.... And yes, there was a bard in the party, but he was sick that day so he couldn't play.

morkendi

2013-11-05, 11:08 AM

Charm the guards and tell them,"these are not the druids you're looking for, please move along."

Polymorph a thugs guild leader that harrased the town into a chicken. Brought the chicken to a family and said I brought them dinner.

ArqArturo

2013-11-05, 11:16 AM

Slipperychicken

2013-11-05, 11:31 AM

Spore

2013-11-05, 11:34 AM

You should be intrigued when your chicken has more hitpoints than your wife. Or when the dead chicken transforms back.

Cirrylius

2013-11-05, 12:20 PM

Actually, "A Wizard's Staff has a Knob on the End" is from the Discworld books. I don't know if the full lyrics are ever given, though.
"It's big and it's round and weighs three to the pound" is the only verse I recall. The hedgehog song is fully versed, though.

Anyway, just recently, our group got completely de-railed for a whole session or two dealing with a Chaotic Stupid (<--IRL and in character) half-orc bear warrior fighter barbarian who said during what passes for roleplaying for him "Yeah, man, the monk is right. First I eat the whore, then I EAT the whore".

Much fun was had by f*****g nobody:smallannoyed:

zilonox

2013-11-05, 12:29 PM

DM as outpost patrol-man: We've had reports of followers of Gruumsh gathering nearby. The captain thinks they might be readying for an attack. Be sure to report any orc activity you might see out there.

Me: Sure thing, we'll 'keep an eye out'!

DM: *headdesk* + bonus xp for me :smallbiggrin:

Ringadon

2013-11-05, 12:50 PM

"When we rouse the cleric to question him I want to be eating one of the Gnoll corpses."

Running through the scouring of Shadowdale with a waretiger warshaper... good times, good times

Also from "the beast of lepishtad"

"If the face don't fit YOU MUST ACQUIT"

D20ragon

2013-11-15, 09:51 PM

'Nasty fish!'

Underwater adventure. one of the characters was trying to catch a school of piranhas with a gelatinous cube in a jar.

Karoht

2013-11-21, 04:15 PM

'Nasty fish!'

Underwater adventure. one of the characters was trying to catch a school of piranhas with a gelatinous cube in a jar.
"So that's what Lutfisk tastes like."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lutfisk

Pokonic

2013-11-21, 04:35 PM

"Okay, so, we went to the mall to get a picture with Santa, and two hours later all we have to our name is two bags of lingerie and a hemp product."

HaikenEdge

2013-11-21, 04:52 PM

"I know Shatter, Time Hop and have a bag full of tree tokens. What else do I need for the party?"

bekeleven

2013-11-21, 05:05 PM

A few quotes-of-the-week from Nobilis sessions:

“Get ready to catch some mercy spirits, ‘cause there’s an android comin’ atcha.”
“Clutching the giraffes, I trampoline out of the burning greenhouse while the robots seal the hole.”
“Yes, but what has reality ever done for us lately?”

GallóglachMaxim

2013-11-21, 06:26 PM

As a player
- 'If I killed the bard and wore her as a necklace, she'd be an item.'
- 'Blasted traitorous familiar, selling me out for millet.'

As a GM
- 'The giant punches himself in the crotch -rolls- .....to death.'
- 'Next time you do something like this, look up the HP of a boat first.'

Pokelord2

2013-11-21, 08:13 PM

- Dear diary, I really could have gone the rest of my life without seeing minotaur wang.

- I wish there was an orc in your ass!

- "Wait, how does the monk get introduced?"
"I PUNCH my way in!"

The first one was actually a reoccurring joke with my character, who was a child prodigy and a wizard out to see the world. He kept track of things in his 'Diary' and after a fateful encounter at some hotsprings he kept seeing various forms of wang, mostly the party minotaur's.

MonochromeTiger

2013-11-21, 08:19 PM

"well I've spoken to the bored and hungry portion of nature that my tiger counts as, nature has decided the next person to interrupt my nap with their snoring gets turned into a mouse and fed to it."

ArqArturo

2013-11-21, 08:46 PM

A Vow of Peace monk, when confronted with a group of undead-controlling devils.

"Ohh, I'm going pacify the CENSORED out of you!"

CyberThread

2013-11-21, 09:21 PM

your monk needs to watch, epic rap battles of history , Ghandai vs Martain Luther king

Vhaidara

2013-11-21, 10:10 PM

A Vow of Peace monk, when confronted with a group of undead-controlling devils.

"Ohh, I'm going pacify the CENSORED out of you!"

Question, are you censoring or did the monk actually yell "CENSORED"? The first time I read it, it was the monk self censoring which makes it sound even funnier.

The Grue

2013-11-21, 10:27 PM

Paraphrased from an email to my DM, detailing the between-session recruitment of hirelings to build a shadowy organization based out of a bakery.

"...Names of the other party members will be withheld altogether for the time being; the interviewee will be informed of their existence, but instructed to interact with them only as absolutely necessary. I think it best for security that the guild and the party be compartmentalized as much as possible (at least as long as [the dwarf druid] insists on riding to and from the bakery on his ****ing tiger in broad daylight)."

Kane0

2013-11-21, 11:23 PM

Everyone needs to watch, epic rap battles of history , Ghandai vs Martain Luther king

Fix'd that for ya.

illyahr

2013-11-22, 10:05 AM

- "Wait, how does the monk get introduced?"
"I PUNCH my way in!"

Sounds like someone subscribes to hit-ology. :smallcool:

Deox

2013-11-22, 10:18 AM

During one game, a caster polymorphs one of the party members (a monk/cleric/sacred fist) into a fish.

"He's more dangerous as a fish!" cried out one of the fighters.

Raezeman

2014-01-08, 08:40 AM

my NPC to Ovdek, a PC;
Ovdek, why is there a large golden hyena on my desk?

starwoof

2014-01-08, 08:45 AM

While using some totally awesome fumble rules:

"Okay, so you SOMEHOW manage to cut yourself in half with your own axe and throw it into the volcano in the same motion."

Valwyn

2014-01-08, 01:21 PM

Paraphrased:

Me: So... did we get any loot?
DM: How about you settle for the wizard getting to live?
Me: Hmm. I guess I could always pawn him at the school for necromancers. How much is a Wizard (slightly used) worth? *rolls appraise* I think those guys are ripping me off.
DM: How about getting stabbed in the lungs?

To be fair, we rarely get loot because we can't stay in one place for too long. (And yes, I was kidding about selling him.)

12owlbears

2014-01-08, 04:44 PM

me: "I steal an apple"
DM: "you are now chaotic evil"

"the beholder continues to talk about himself for another 5 hours roll will save against insanity"

CyberThread

2014-01-08, 05:05 PM

I love it when I get to see my popular subs come back alive.

illyahr

2014-01-08, 05:12 PM

GM: Ok, you are allowed to place bets on this arena fight, to a maximum of 10k.
Player 1 to Player 3: Ok, how much damage can you do if you max yourself out?
Player 3: *adds up modifiers* ummm 1d10+2d6+1d6+1d6+STRx1.5+CONx1.5+10 with an 18-20 x2 crit.
Players 1,2,4,5 and GM: :smalleek::smalleek::smalleek:
Everyone except GM: :smallbiggrin:

GM: Ok, you win initiative. What do you do?
Player 3: I charge, and (Full Power Attack/Rage/Rage Modifiers/Turns into a bear).
GM: Ok, roll your attack.
Player 3: 19, threatens critical
GM: Ouch. Ok, roll to confirm
Player 3: Natural 20
Everyone but GM: :smallbiggrin:
GM: Ok.... Roll your damage then
Player 3: *rolls and adds everything up* 138.
GM: :smalleek::smalleek:
Player 3: :smallcool:
Everyone else: :smalleek::smallbiggrin::smalleek::smallbiggrin: