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View Full Version : Support Playground, how do you deal with losing everything?



Nai_Calus
2013-11-03, 02:14 AM
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure there's anything that I can do anymore. I've lost everything I cared about at this point and I'm drowning in the sorrow and hopelessness of it all and really have no idea at this point. :smallsad:

It all started to go wrong I guess in June. I missed an appointment with the prescriber I had at the time and ran out of my anti-depressants at the beginning of July. I've been fighting horrible depression since late 2011 and me off of meds is a bad thing since then. Very bad.

I started to slowly decay until mid-August, when things hit bottom. Right before Gen Con I hit a horrible low point to where I didn't even want to go. I wish much I hadn't. Maybe if I'd stayed home I wouldn't have lost everything.

The con was mostly miserable. There were a few highlights, but I was so depressed and ****ed up I was miserable a lot of the time. Met someone whose design work I like who was a jerk to me, spent Wednesday night on the streets, and of course the disaster that was Saturday night. Was in a game with a bunch of people I knew, including Hzurr from these boards who was a good friend and my DM in a PbP here for three and a half years. Someone brought a box of wine and we were all drinking, and that's where everything really went to hell.

I got drunk. I got stupid and brave and at some point I'd gotten a bit of a crush on him. So in my drunken stupidity and inability due to Asperger's and alcohol to interpret social cues, I wound up hitting on him a bit before eventually wandering to my room, tweeting that he was the sexiest guy at the con and I'd hit him, hitting on my roommates, and passing out. Woke up the next morning, looked at my tweets, remembered the night before hazily, and freaked the heck out because oh crap I hit on my friend/DM. Realized he'd blocked me on Twitter, felt awful and guilty, sent a long apology email, tried to focus on games. Then I got a reply telling me briefly and without detail that he was severing contact.

I broke. I fell apart to where if a friend hadn't been at the con that day I wanted to say goodbye to I would have jumped off of one of the parking garages because I felt horrible and guilty and couldn't remember perfectly and assumed I'd done something horrific I just wasn't remembering. Spent two weeks after I got home in a psych ward getting back on meds and slightly stable. They sent me with another two weeks of meds but I didn't have a doctor to prescribe more and I ran out three days before the one month anniversary of that awful Sunday. During this time I found out that when he'd pmed the other group members he'd apparently said he wasn't giving details in case he had to take legal action, which almost drove me to suicide again.

I was on Wellbutrin and Effexor, the latter of which is a horrible nightmare to suddenly discontinue and should be slowly tapered because the withdrawal symptoms are horrific. I got it bad. Really bad. Sunday night I was a horrible pile of pain and brain zaps and sobbing and guilt and agony. I was still convinced I'd done something awful and rape-y. I hit bottom, lost it, started writing suicide emails. Including one to him. He sent a brief email saying not to do anything, he had to go to work but we'd talk it out, and briefly got on AIM and explained that he'd just gotten freaked out but he was over it, everything was going to be ok, don't do anything. I said it wasn't ok because we couldn't be friends anymore, he said it would be alright and he'd just been freaked out, then he had to leave for work.

And I let myself hope. I hoped so hard. That maybe he really was over it. That maybe there was something to be salvaged. Maybe I could someday get my friend back or come back to his game or something, anything. Then two days later I finally got a follow-up email that destroyed me all over again and even worse. He'd been thinking, he said, and talking to a couple of people whose advice he trusted(One of whom was almost certainly the guy I mentioned being a jerk to me who doesn't like me at all), and had decided the best thing was to continue to keep contact with me completely severed. It was implied he thought I'd just been seeking attention, he said he didn't feel he was able to give me the support I needed, he thought his presence did more harm than good for the both of us, the relationship wasn't healthy for either of us and it was best if it was ended. The whole thing read like an emotionless uncaring business memo without a trace of sadness or well wishes. It was the most backwards, inexplicable, bizarre reasoning I'd ever seen and none of the mental health professionals I've shared it with think he handled things in even remotely appropriately a manner.

I wound up back in the hospital. They put me back on meds and sent me with two months of prescription for them and got me a doctor appointment and I stumbled through for a bit but at least I had meds and... Then it got worse again.

Come the first of October, two weeks after Hzurr threw me away the second time, my roommates asked me to leave because of the depression. They were worried, they said. They didn't think I was safe there. They wanted me to find somewhere I could get the support I needed because they didn't think they could give it to me. I'd love to know where the heck they thought a barely functional, suicidal person who'd just suffered a huge trauma was going to go.

I couldn't find anywhere. Nothing workable came up on craigslist, I can't afford a place by myself, and pretty much everything went to hell. I moved out this last week by myself, no help at all, while working during the day. I didn't sleep for three days, just packing and hauling bags and boxes and furniture and loading a truck so I could put my stuff in storage. Last night I slept finally, in my car. I'll sleep in my car again tonight, and tomorrow, and for god knows how long.

I lost my dearest friend. Half the other players in that game were poisoned against me by the legal action comment and won't even respond to me. That game was one of the few things I still really cared about. I'm drowning in hospital bills. I'm homeless. I'm close to losing my job. The multiple rapid traumas have given me PTSD. I feel worthless and like I'm not worth caring about. There's nothing left and I'm all out of hope and I don't know what to do and I keep sobbing and screaming and banging my head on things to try to move the pain outside.

How do you even begin to deal with all of this? What the heck do I do? I'm scared and cold and broken and I'm not sure it's even worth looking anymore. :/ I desperately need advice.

The Succubus
2013-11-03, 03:37 AM
PM sent - I hope it reaches you.

Jay R
2013-11-03, 09:12 AM
How do you even begin to deal with all of this? What the heck do I do? I'm scared and cold and broken and I'm not sure it's even worth looking anymore. :/ I desperately need advice.

Don't try to deal with all of it. Deal with today's piece alone. Getting breakfast. Getting to work. Doing the job.

One at a time, and just the current step.

And remember that a total stranger thought it was worth his time to write to you to offer encouragement.

mistformsquirrl
2013-11-03, 09:20 AM
I don't know what to say beyond "I'm sorry" - I know depression all too well; but I have been fortunate and not had to deal with all the rest.

I think Jay_R's advice is probably the best - fight each battle one at a time, eventually you'll win the war, you just can't let yourself be overwhelmed. Do your best, and know that there are people willing to listen and who don't want to see you suffer, even if we don't necessarily know you personally.

(((internet hugs if you would like them)))

Lentrax
2013-11-03, 10:06 AM
I Kia what it is to be broken. To be so far gone that you doubt you can be repaired, or even want to be.

You just gotta start with one piece. Pick one piece, shine it, patch it together. Then fit it together with another piece.

Email me, it's in my profile. I want to help.

I am here, even if it us just on a screen.

Palanan
2013-11-03, 10:30 AM
Originally Posted by Jay R
Don't try to deal with all of it. Deal with today's piece alone. Getting breakfast. Getting to work. Doing the job.


Originally Posted by Lentrax
You just gotta start with one piece. Pick one piece, shine it, patch it together. Then fit it together with another piece.

This, exactly. Jay and Lentrax have the right of it.

Don't try to deal with everything at once. Focus on what's in front of you.

Focus on your job; --focus, gingerly, on the human contacts you have there. Don't grip them too hard, but use them to steady yourself. Think of them as the reeds by the water's edge: they can't support your weight, but simply by reaching out to touch them, they'll help you keep your balance as you cross the swirling water.

pendell
2013-11-03, 07:11 PM
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure there's anything that I can do anymore. I've lost everything I cared about at this point and I'm drowning in the sorrow and hopelessness of it all and really have no idea at this point. :smallsad:


Let me ask you something.

Are you still alive?

Then you HAVEN'T lost everything. You still have your life.

Can you still see?

That's another thing you haven't lost.

For me, the first step is to recognize that however, bad things are, you're still alive, and where there's life, there's hope.

Allow me to introduce a medieval concept to you: The wheel of fortune (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rota_Fortunae). People back then understood that life was like a wheel -- one day, you're a king. The next day, an outcast in the wilderness. The next day an outlaw chieftain, the next day , a king again, the next day , a begger. The next day a farmholder. And so on.

Sometimes we lose things because we need to acquire new ones.

People. Things. Friends. Homes.

It doesn't mean that we've lost everything forever. The one thing we must hold onto is one thing the world cannot take from us, and that is hope!

So long as you hold onto hope, you never know what will happen the next day. It may be that your old life is ending so that a new one can begin. But nothing is ever ended.

So my first advice to you is stay hopeful!

Pick up the pieces of your life. Pick up the one thing you can do. Give your former friends the space they need. Get on with your life. It's big and overwhelming, so break off just a small bit. Do that. Then break off the next bit. Do that as well.

Bit by bit , and little by little, put your life back together.

Don't hold too tightly to your old friends. Instead, just do the best you can. Maybe make some new ones. In time, maybe you'll be able to win your old friends back. But it sounds like before that happens, you will have to win back their trust. And the best way to do that is not to chase them, but to act in a mature, responsible manner.

And of course you really , really want to make sure to get your meds and stay on them. I'm not a medical professional and can't diagnose, but it sounds as if something went wrong with them. I don't know how to fix it, so you need to go to a professional who can help you get on the ones that will keep you functional, instead of making a mess of you.

Once the medication is sorted, just take it one day at a time.Make yourself available to your friends, but don't chase them. It'll just scare them off. Instead, just do the best you can and earn their trust by your actions. Maybe you'll pick them up. Or maybe they don't want you around any more .. in which case, just keep at it and make new friends.

You may also PM me. I'm not really any good at this. But I will pray for you.

Remember: Whatever happens, DON'T LOSE HOPE!. Consider the Zen Master (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tbsx_vZTcNI). Sometimes bad things happen , but good comes from it. And sometimes bad stuff from what we think is good. So it's best to keep an even keel , to ..

How did Kipling put it ?



If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!


That's from his poem If (http://www.kipling.org.uk/poems_if.htm)

Or something else to think about is Abraham Lincoln's own lamentable history (http://www.snopes.com/glurge/lincoln.asp). While as Snopes says, there is a great deal of misleading and inaccurate information here the general thrust is quite true; He suffered a number of setbacks and mistakes. He did not live a golden life free from faults and cares.

The measure of a man is not that he always succeeds -- the measure of a man is what he does when confronted with failure.


So : You've suffered from terrible misfortune but I think you'll find that a lot of "losing everything" is the depression talking, and much of this will abate when the meds are properly adjusted. It may be that you haven't lost the things you think you've lost forever, and it's all but certain you'll pick up more things as you go on in life.

All of this is possible if you just hang in there and don't quit.

Have courage. The world is a miserable place but I don't think your part in it is done yet. So hang in there, and wait for the wheel to turn.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

Callin
2013-11-03, 07:36 PM
Just wanting to let you know that I read this and I sincerely hope things get better for you. I wish you the best and I wanted to take time to say this to you.
Things might be looking like youre at the bottom but remember that there are others that can help pick ya back up. Maybe shine a light for ya. Or just to let you know that you dont walk this earth alone.

Be Safe and Find Peace

McStabbington
2013-11-03, 10:39 PM
PM sent; I hope that it finds you well. Keep trying, keep striving, and never give up.

Mystic Muse
2013-11-04, 12:41 AM
If it's any consolation at all, I care about you from the few times I've interacted with you online.

ShadowFireLance
2013-11-04, 01:20 AM
I cannot say anything better than others can, all I can offer is an internet *hug* and pray for you, don't give up, you've got people who've never met you and yet, care for you, I've been depressed before, I know the horrible feeling of it. Push on, don't give up hope, don't ever give up. I'm horrible at this...
:smallsmile:

TaiLiu
2013-11-04, 01:27 AM
Hm. Support groups, perhaps. Many people have faced or are facing some or all of your problems, and support groups are an excellent - and free - way to talk it out, find solutions, and generally be stress-relieving.

Alternately, therapists. They may cost money, but many alter their prices based on their clients' financial situations.

Crow
2013-11-04, 02:21 AM
Control the things you can control, even if they are just little things. If you're still alive, you're still winning.

I'm not the friendliest person on this forum by a longshot. But as someone who once thought they lost it all at one time in my life, I'd be happy to talk if you ever need somebody to talk to.

Killer Angel
2013-11-04, 07:16 AM
I don't know you, but you seem a good and sensible person; if this can help even a little, you have my sympathies.
I know it's hard, but don't give up.

Palanan
2013-11-04, 04:59 PM
Has anyone heard back from Nai today? I sent a PM yesterday, but haven't heard back. Given the circumstances, I'm a little worried.

The Succubus
2013-11-04, 06:11 PM
I really hope he's okay. I'm extremely worried. :smallfrown:

Palanan
2013-11-05, 09:29 AM
Still nothing as of this morning. Does anyone know where Nai lives--or at least used to live?

Nai_Calus
2013-11-06, 12:46 AM
I'm ok-ish. In hospital for crazy and an infected foot. I'll try to get decent replies written when I'm not tired and my phone isn't almost dead. Thanks to y'all for the concern and well wishes.

The Succubus
2013-11-06, 08:18 AM
We're here when you're ready to talk to us, Nai. :smallsmile:

Jay R
2013-11-06, 09:20 AM
Good luck. We're pulling for you.

Melayl
2013-11-07, 03:44 AM
I'm glad to hear that you're at least a little better. As others have said, so long as you have life, you have hope. I often tell my coworkers (when we're having rough days), "Every day you wake up breathing on your own is going to be a good day." Just know that even when things are bad, even when we screw up royally, there's always another day. Like others have said, it's not how fail that defines you, it's what you do after you've failed that defines you.

You do still have people who care, and always will. They might not always be the same people every time, but there will always be people who care.

In my sig you can find numbers and other contact info for people who are ALWAYS availabe to talk to wshen things get bad (for many places in the world). My PM box is always open, too. I'm a horrible correspondent, but I will always try.

Dumbledore lives
2013-11-07, 03:56 AM
I don't know how much it means but I've been in a bad place, when I thought nothing could get better and I just wanted it to all end but I chose to keep going, and I am thankful everyday even when I get some of that feeling again. I don't know if you have any kind of creative outlet but for me writing helps immensely, even if it's nonsenical and no one will ever read it or care. I wish you well.

Krazzman
2013-11-07, 07:08 AM
Wow... that's quite some hardship you've been through.

I know the feeling of losing friends. Around 3 years ago everything was ok-ish normal for me. Then I finally got together with my now wife and suddenly we weren't invited to gatherings of our mutual friends anymore. Yes even our DnD/PF game or just card-game evenings or going out and so on.
At some point you just ask yourself if you did something wrong. Did you say something while being drunk? Did you do something wrong? Lot's of these stupid questions that just make you feel guilty for their rejection.

What helped me and I would advice is looking into meditation. Get calm first then deal with everything in a small piece like already written above.
Search for new aquintances/buddies/games of the things you lost. Switch them out replace them and make them not matter anymore so that you can be happy again. You will fight a war of attrition. Everytime you can smile you have won a battle. But before you can really do this you have to become stable again. Debts can be repaid, new friends can be made, treachery can be forgiven, pain can be withstood and homes can be found.

That's what I wanted to add... try to become stable then find new things.
I hope for you that this turns out well.

Curaced
2013-11-11, 12:31 PM
I'm glad that you let us know so we can help you. I don't think you could find a more helpful and supportive environment than the playground.

I think that finding a church group might help. They can be very supportive and help you know that you're not alone going through these hardships.

Nai_Calus
2013-11-17, 12:29 AM
Good news at least. Monday morning I get released and then go on leave from work for a month while I stay with my dad in California for a while. Desperately need this.

Then I'll finally be able to properly reply to people and pms and such, will finally have computer access again as I'll be able to haul my desktop down there and like, plug it in and get on the internet and such. It's hard to type on a phone.

Still dealing with this. Got brave and sent a 'Not trying to reestablish contact, just want clarification because I don't understand' email to him Tuesday night, but as expected, no reply. :/ Wonder if he even read it. Wonder if he even cares. Blargh.

Oh well. By Wednesday night I will be safe in California with my dad and my cats. Gotta focus on that.

Jay R
2013-11-17, 10:06 AM
Congratulations! Good luck in California.

Killer Angel
2013-11-17, 10:22 AM
Oh well. By Wednesday night I will be safe in California with my dad and my cats. Gotta focus on that.

Seems wise. Cats and daddies, usually don't disappoint you. :smallsmile:

Hope you'll find some peacefulness.

pendell
2013-11-17, 01:43 PM
Good news at least. Monday morning I get released and then go on leave from work for a month while I stay with my dad in California for a while. Desperately need this.

Then I'll finally be able to properly reply to people and pms and such, will finally have computer access again as I'll be able to haul my desktop down there and like, plug it in and get on the internet and such. It's hard to type on a phone.

Still dealing with this. Got brave and sent a 'Not trying to reestablish contact, just want clarification because I don't understand' email to him Tuesday night, but as expected, no reply. :/ Wonder if he even read it. Wonder if he even cares. Blargh.

Oh well. By Wednesday night I will be safe in California with my dad and my cats. Gotta focus on that.

Huzzah! God bless and keep us posted. I'm available in PM if you wish.

Respectfully,

Brian P.

Melayl
2013-11-18, 08:30 AM
Great to hear! Keep focusing on the positives!

shawnhcorey
2013-11-18, 09:45 AM
Get back on your meds and stay there! I know. Even a few days without mine is a total bummer. I will be blunt: if you don't get back on your meds, you will die.

Depression is a killer disease. It is not something you can "just put up with." Without your medicine, it will kill you.

The Succubus
2013-11-26, 10:38 AM
I'm so glad you're holding on, Nai. I hope you get a little gathering time in California. :)