Best MTG card Descriptions

[Invader]

Inspired by the thread here http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=311855 I started thinking about all the great descriptive text on MTG cards and I was wondering what everyone else's favorite lines are.

The one I added from the other thread was:

Enormous Baloth
It's diet consists of fruits, plants, small woodland animals, large woodland animals, woodlands, fruit grooves, fruit farmers, and small cities.

[Sith_Happens]

Basically any Jaya Balard quote.

"Of course you should fight fire with fire. You should fight everything with fire." (http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=45358)

[Brother Oni]

I'm quite fond of the goblin ones:


Goblin Digging Team
"From down here we can make the whole wall collapse"
"Uh, yeah, boss, but how do we get out?"

Goblin Assassin
The more victims he kills, the more likely he is to get the right one.

Goblin Balloon Brigade
"From up here we can drop rocks and arrows and more rocks"
"Uh, yeah boss, but how do we get down?"
and
"The enemy is getting too close! Quick! Inflate the toad!"

Goblin Grenade
Don't underestimate the aerodynamic qualities of the common goblin.


A lot of the Unglued/Unhinged cards are quite amusing too.

[Slayn82]

My favorite quote in Magic:

"If it is weak, either kill it or ignore it. Anything else honors it."
—Kaervek (Enfeeblement, Tempest).

[endoperez]

Tidal Surge: Four little goblins, trapped by the sea. One teased a serpent, and then there were three.
Ogre Taskmaster: Three little goblins, enjoying their brew. One bumped an ogre, and then there were two.
Wild Griffin: Two little goblins, out in the sun. Down came a griffin, and then there was one.
Tremor: One little goblin shook up the ground. When the dust cleared, no one was found.

Old-school goblin love. The Grizzly Bears also had a fantastic one.

Grizzly Bears: "Don't try to outrun one of Dominia's Grizzlies; it'll catch you, knock you down, and eat you. Of course, you could run up a tree. In that case you'll get a nice view before it knocks the tree down and eats you."

[factotum]

Favourite flavour text I ever saw on a Magic card was from the Betrayers of Kamigawa card Final Judgment (there had to be *one* good thing about the set, after all :smallwink:):

"The clashing warriors turned to face O-Kagachi, the greatest kami, and their sigh of awe was their last breath."

[Mechanize]

Goblin Gardener

"Years of attempts have brought the goblins no closer to growing a sausage tree"

:smallbiggrin:

[Divayth Fyr]

Fodder Cannon
Step 1: Find your cousin.
Step 2: Get your cousin in the cannon.
Step 3: Find another cousin.

Foul Imp
The imp, unaware of its own odor, paused to catch its breath... and promptly died.

Lord of the Undead
"Do not weep at your defeat, my dear. In death, you will serve a greater purpose—mine."

Shadow of Doubt
"Your ignorance is my bliss."

Duskmantle, House of Shadow
In a space where there is no room, in a structure that was never built, meets the guild that doesn't exist.

http://magiccards.info/scans/en/gp/123.jpg


Tidal Surge: Four little goblins, trapped by the sea. One teased a serpent, and then there were three.
Ogre Taskmaster: Three little goblins, enjoying their brew. One bumped an ogre, and then there were two.
Wild Griffin: Two little goblins, out in the sun. Down came a griffin, and then there was one.
Tremor: One little goblin shook up the ground. When the dust cleared, no one was found.
I love these.

[WeLoveFireballs]

Werebear
"He exercises his right to bear arms."

A similar joke on a card, but not in the flavor text is the card "Grizzly Fate".

It summons bear tokens.

[Octopus Jack]

I'm quite fond of the goblin ones:


Goblin Digging Team
"From down here we can make the whole wall collapse"
"Uh, yeah, boss, but how do we get out?"

Goblin Assassin
The more victims he kills, the more likely he is to get the right one.

Goblin Balloon Brigade
"From up here we can drop rocks and arrows and more rocks"
"Uh, yeah boss, but how do we get down?"
and
"The enemy is getting too close! Quick! Inflate the toad!"

Goblin Grenade
Don't underestimate the aerodynamic qualities of the common goblin.


A lot of the Unglued/Unhinged cards are quite amusing too.

I'm actually a fan of the M11 Goblin Chieftain, it gives goblins in MTG a slightly different side to them other than insane cannon fodder:

"We are goblinkind, heirs to the mountain empires of chieftains past. Rest is death to us, and arson is our call to war."

[Cespenar]

"Nature's been fired. The oceans are under new management."
-Ambassador Laquatus

[Choyrt]

http://crystal-cdn2.crystalcommerce.com/photos/15055/large/might_of_oaks.jpg

[shadow_archmagi]

I'm rather fond of the elf card (can't remember which) which reads

"One broken bone for every twig broken underfoot"
-Penalty for trespassing in [something] forest.

[endoperez]

I'm rather fond of the elf card (can't remember which) which reads

"One broken bone for every twig broken underfoot"
-Penalty for trespassing in [something] forest.

That's Llanowar elves.

[OracleofWuffing]

I don't play Magic, so I don't know exactly how the mechanics work, but one card that I've seen is Pygmy Giant, which does damage based off of a number printed on the card.

"487. You're welcome."
—Bucky, flavor text writer

[Cogwheel]

Two old favourites off the top of my head.

"Fair? At what point in our negotiations did you convince yourself my goal was to be fair?" - Vedalken Plotter, Guildpact


"The soul? Here, we have no use for such frivolities." - No Rest For The Wicked, Urza's Saga and Tenth Edition.

[dragonsamurai77]

All is Dust:

"The emergence of the Eldrazi isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as you've already lived a fulfilling and complete life without regrets."
—Javad Nasrin, Ondu relic hunter