Player Lines That Should Be On Shirts

[KnotKnormal]

So at the end of every story arc i run, i always reminisce with my players about the greatest parts of the campaign. In one of these story arcs I allowed the players to have one minor magical item they could start with. Nothing that really effects the game much but, if it's good i can use as plot tools.

Any way, my friend decided his minor magical item would be a bowl of endless popcorn, to which he could sit back and enjoy when shenanigans was happening. During the story it had been stolen and he vowed to get it back. after the campaign ended, he told me his character went off and killed everyone who ever touched his beloved bowl. I asked him why he was so intent on killing them, as well as the "what is the worst that could happen?" he replied with. " i don't know who has it or where they are, but i can only imagine they are using for the most vile of evil." I laughed for a solid 5 minutes.

Another story was another player had forgotten the a farmers fields were magically protected. his character was frustrated with something at the time, and took it out on an ear of corn with a solid wack. the player was immediate turned to stone and the party spent the rest of the session trying to undo it. when ask why he did it he responded with, "It's amazing what you learn when you bitch slap corn."

[Totema]

DM: You hear beautiful singing coming from the far end of the cavern chamber.
Player: I hide.

Don't know if you could put this on a shirt, but it gets me every time. The singing was from a nymph, by the way.

[(Un)Inspired]

I was running an Eberron campaign a few years ago and one of my players was playing an empty vessel Erudite that had defected from reidra and was been hunted by three quori (outsiders from the plane of dreams) who were possessing three egoists.

The party had split up for the evening in a town they were staying in and the player in question was relaxing on a rooftop watching the sunset. Boom! all three quori manifested themselves on the rooftop surrounding the player.

"Come back to ussss." They hissed at him menacingly.

"In your dreams." The player calmly declared and his erudite erupted in lightning. It was one hell of a battle.

[Devronq]

Well this is more what I said as a DM but it happened years ago and we still talk about it almost every session.
So everyone wasn't paying attention and I was trying to get this to listen to me. I decided to talk in a goofy voice and raise my voice. I said "you have come to the hills!" In a really goofy voice and just as I did of the players was talking a drink of pop and spit it out all TV spit tale style all over another player and everyone laughed histerically for like 10mins when I didn't mean it to be that funny.

[Alleran]

GM: "At the top of the stairs, you look down over a sea of nobles, unable to spot-"
Player: "Is there a chandelier?"
GM: "Yes?"
Player: "I swing from it to get everybody's attention."

[BWR]

"If I kill Ranya while she's pregnant, does that count as one kill or two?"

(This one player has managed to kill every party member at some point, some times more than once, because of unfortunate Will saves against Confusion and Dominate and stuff)

"Does Remove Curse work on pregnancies?"
Player of Ranya

[SowZ]

((Me as the GM, but still.))

In a sci-fi setting on a fictional planet. Players often asked setting questions.

Player: Are there Amish people?
What I Meant to Say: There are people who live similar lifestyles for aesthetic or philosophical reasons, but they obviously aren't Christians and they are called something else.
What I Actually Said: Well, there're no Amish like Jesus.

[Togo]

During a 'negotiation' the players decide to threaten an NPC.

player1: ....now I'm not normally a violent man...
Player2: (Interrupting) I am!

[Dr. Cliché]

[We had a task to take a valuable gemstone to a few different shops, and try to get the best deal. The party walks into the first store.]

Player 1: *Takes out the bag with the gem inside, and places it on the shop counter*
Shopkeeper: "What's in the bag?"
Player 1: "NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

[Callin]

Not a line but a pic. I honestly wish I had the drawing that was done.

But take
http://www.rpgminiatures.com/acatalog/grell.jpg

and give it glasses and a goatee. Its the Billgrell. Not to be confused with the Billithid, or the BillDiopsid, or any of the other characters this man has played.

[Fax Celestis]

"Is the goblin dead?"
"Yes."
"Great. I tear off its leg, cast purify food and drink, and take a huge bite."

[KnotKnormal]

Another hilarious moment.

Me: as you look down the hole you can see what looks like a light at the bottom there is a la-
Player: I jump down the hole

[Shining Wrath]

Me, right before smacking Lady Vol's Staff of the Magi with a size large adamantine great sword:

I'm about to do something heroically stupid

[Erberor]

Oh, There have been some fine lines. One of them is in my signature. I can't quite remember what was going on, but it was the cleric speaking to the sorcerer.

Azar- "Bro, don't you even cast?"

This was when the guards asked what the fighter was carrying. He wields and anchor, because yes. He rolled a 20 on his bluff and they believed him.

Guard- "what exactly are you carrying?"
Kerrik- "it's a comically oversized pickaxe."

Also Kerrik (fighter guy). There was a guard they had to kill quickly, and he had the brick he used to escape from prison named Geoffe.

Kerrik- "I throw Jeff!"
*rolls critical*
Me- "Geoffe caves in the guards skull."

They were interrogating some cultists, so Cooro, the rogue, decided to play weird cop.

Cooro- "WHERE ARE MY COOKIES?!"

While trying to give an inspirational speech to a bunch of villagers, Mirdan (racist, even for an elf) says this to a town composed entirely of humans, dwarves, and two half elves.

Mirdan- "Are we men, OR ARE WE ELVES!"

This requires no explanation

"May I worship the DM?"
"No."
"May I worship Murphy, in the hopes of being exempt from his law?"
"No"

from a different campaign, we were all supposed to sit down around a table. I was a druid with a bear companion.

Me- "May I elect to sit on my bear?"
DM- "Sure."
Me- "I sit on my bear."

[Slipperychicken]

Me- "May I elect to sit on my bear?"
DM- "Sure."
Me- "I sit on my bear."

If that was my GM, he'd have had the bear start looking exasperated at this indignity and/or give the empathic version of "I'm not going to let you stink up my fur with your stanky butt".

[KnotKnormal]

This was when the guards asked what the fighter was carrying. He wields and anchor, because yes. He rolled a 20 on his bluff and they believed him.

Guard- "what exactly are you carrying?"
Kerrik- "it's a comically oversized pickaxe."

Reminds me of my first ever experience DMing. After a long battle in a throne room the place got destroyed, and when the royals re-entered the room they asked what happened.

Royals: what happened?
Torg (diplomatic rogue): we sat down and had a nice chat, they agreed to change their ways and left out the windows to avoid causing further problems. Then Clayton (orc barbarian) just went a ape ****. He started breaking everything. We tried to get him to stop but nothing was working. He was in a horrifying rage. *rolls bluff* Nat 20 total of a 47

[Kid Jake]

My favorite line is one often repeated by the same player. He does things that are absolutely ridiculous (Not being disruptive, he's just a very lateral thinker) and blames his failure on the mechanics being against him instead of a problem with his reasoning.

Like the time he stole an elven noble's clothes to try and extort information out of him and then jumped out of a tenth floor window when the guards showed up. This (http://untcs.com/?p=239) is basically a word for word recreation of the entire lifespan of his character.


Or when we were playing in a Star Wars campaign and a mynock got into the ship. His immediate response was "I blow open the hatch and suck the mynock into space!" I told him that mynock's could survive in the vacuum of space and he just triumphantly shouts "Yes, but can they survive the decompression!" and uses a thermal detonator to blow open the airlock without waiting for my reply. Both him and the mynock were sucked into space and he spent his last few seconds of consciousness watching it fly around and reattach itself to the ship.

Both times he turned what was supposed to be a minor, flavor encounter into a horrible death and both times he just shook his head and said 'This game is hard!'

[Eladrinblade]

The party was walking down a road in the forest, when a wounded commoner came stumbling towards them, "Please, help me! I need healing!"

To which the dwarf fighter promptly says, "Heal this, BANDIT!" and pantomimes and axe to my head.

[Lord_Gareth]

Playing in a Star Wars SAGA game as servants of Darth Vader, I'm the only guy who isn't Force Sensitive in the party. Literally had about a thirty minute argument with the DM about how I didn't want his damn bonus feat, concept wasn't Sensitive. Spend first four sessions derisively referring to the other four party members as 'witch'.

Fifth session we're on Nar Shadaa, and we're in negotiations with a crime lord when he decides to pull out his blaster and thugs on us. Without missing a beat one of my companions gets up and locks him into a Force Choke, at which point he stammers out, "Y-you're a Jedi!"

"I'm not a Jedi," comes the calm reply.

"Then what are you?"

"I'm a witch."

And then there was much snapping of necks and nailing of entrails to doors the likes of which was never seen before or since.

[Eldonauran]

Paraphrased, but still awesome.

Player 1: Haven't you done enough heroics for the day?
Player 2: Nope. Paladin.

[Keneth]

"Does Remove Curse work on pregnancies?"

On a side note, it's a parasite, right? A remove disease should do the trick. :smallbiggrin:

[PraxisVetli]

Paraphrased, but still awesome.

Player 1: Haven't you done enough heroics for the day?
Player 2: Nope. Paladin.

I remember reading that story
Was epic.



My gnome ranger (level twoish) had been hunting for food for the group, and found some tracks of a wolverine, which I tracked to its freshly killed deer.
I engaged and barely defeated said wolverine, and (somehow) managed to drag both bodies to camp, where we started disecting and curing and tanning the deer.
Dm:Do you do anything with the wolverine?
Me:Eh, yeah, I suppose. Make good coat or whatnot. Meat'll be stringy, cuz its a predator; maybe it'll make decent jerky?
DM:Wolverine Jerky?
Me: yeah man, what's more manly than Wolverine jerky?
DM: You could eat a real boot.


Instantly became a famous line in our group.

[Faily]

Well, since we're talking about shirts... at GenCon's True Dungeon-event, I saw someone wearing a shirt that said "I KILLED MY PARTY FOR THIS SHIRT".

Best shirt ever.

-

One of my own quotes from a game comes from my very first roleplaying session. We were playing Kult (a horror-game, look it up), and after our characters got out of a very very unpleasant alternate New York, we spot a taxi and hurry towards it. One of the girls in the group had the ability to read people's auras, and get a basic impression of their emotions. The GM describes the taxi-driver's aura as one who seems pleased to see three young ladies, and that he's kinda aroused by what he's seeing.

To which I exclaim: "Thank goodness, he just wants to molest us."

[Isamu Dyson]

"Paladins can get laid, too."

[eastmabl]

Rogue: "I can't pick the lock."
Warforged Fighter: "I cast 'knock.'"
Wizard: "With what?"
Warforged Fighter: "My axe."

[Callin]

In World of Darkness my brother likes to "Shoots it in the head"
another guy chants "Fortitude Fortitude Fortitude" and says "I can take it"

[KnotKnormal]

Rogue: "I can't pick the lock."
Warforged Fighter: "I cast 'knock.'"
Wizard: "With what?"
Warforged Fighter: "My axe."

That's amazing...do you mind if I used that next time i play a fighter... it would work perfectly with a persona I'm working on.

[MonochromeTiger]

wizard: "I'm the most useful part of this group!"
fighter and barbarian in unison: "well then, you just volunteered to be a battering ram for this locked door"

[Nettlekid]

I enjoy "Can I touch myself as a free action?" out of context (for a Cleric with Touch of Healing.)

This doesn't really count, because I just about planned the campaign around it, but there was a one-shot all-Bard campaign that culminated with them fighting an undead prince with a heart made of stone, which was the source of his immortality. To defeat him, they had to all make Perform checks and just play as a band instead of using their music to actually fight. And when they did so, the prince declared "You have turned my heart of stone...into a heart of ROCK!"
Took people a moment to get.
Then we fell apart.

In that same campaign, the Bard one, spoken by one of the players when asking for time to prepare before a fight. "Give me a chance to compose myself."

[BWR]

On a side note, it's a parasite, right? A remove disease should do the trick. :smallbiggrin:

That was the rationale. It ended up being a moot point as the PC elected to keep the child.

[Dr. Cliché]

DM: He's gone all... twiggy.

(I believe the mayor was turning to a plant-creature or something)


Rogue: "I can't pick the lock."
Warforged Fighter: "I cast 'knock.'"
Wizard: "With what?"
Warforged Fighter: "My axe."

That's glorious.

[Alleran]

On a side note, it's a parasite, right? A remove disease should do the trick. :smallbiggrin:
I was thinking an Iron Heart Surge, myself.

[Shining Wrath]

Rogue: "I can't pick the lock."
Warforged Fighter: "I cast 'knock.'"
Wizard: "With what?"
Warforged Fighter: "My axe."

See my first comment, above: I referred to my Large adamantine greatsword as "the master key".

[The Insanity]

PC to the nihilistic god that was trying to destroy his home world: "You can't destroy my world, all my stuff is there! :smallannoyed:"

[Slipperychicken]

I was thinking an Iron Heart Surge, myself.

Are pregnancies measured in rounds?

[KnotKnormal]

On a side note, it's a parasite, right? A remove disease should do the trick. :smallbiggrin:

*dusts off book of erotic fantasies and nymphology books* got to be something in here. Yay blue magic.

[Hamste]

Are pregnancies measured in rounds?

Yep, the condition lasts around 3 888 000 rounds (assuming human)

[Vhaidara]

Rogue: "I can't pick the lock."
Warforged Fighter: "I cast 'knock.'"
Wizard: "With what?"
Warforged Fighter: "My axe."

I'm in a campaign where I'm a gnome bard who just wants to be tolerated. Our dwarf fighter has an impressive spellbook.

Every spell my gnome knows plus the following:
Create coffee
Banish coffee
Sleep (practiced upon a prisoner when we caught him)

I know there are more, but I can't talk to him now. But he actually has a page in his character sheet labeled his "spellbook". All things that his axe can cast if I'm around.

So this leads to him mentioning casting thing around government officials.
"You don't look like a mage."
*hefts axe*
"Oh."

[KnotKnormal]

one that I was playing in, we were charged with watching over an immensely powerful child, who knew he had power and was a complete brat because of it. My friend drew the short straw on that particular day and had to keep an eye on the kid. The kid did something stupid and with out even thinking smacked the kid (with a NAT 20) and yelled "NO!!! BAD!!!" then decided it would be good to use handle animal checks the rest of the day to control the child.

By the end of the week the kid was a well behaved gentleman.

[Slipperychicken]

with out even thinking smacked the kid (with a NAT 20) and yelled "NO!!! BAD!!!" then decided it would be good to use handle animal checks the rest of the day to control the child.

By the end of the week the kid was a well behaved gentleman.

The mental image which this calls to mind is far from pleasant.

[sabelo2000]

While rolling up characters, my roommate walks in.

Player 1 (randomly, and apropos of nothing): "I'm a half-orc!"

Roommate: "So does that make you a Spork?"

And so a legend was born...



Player 1 (around Level 8 or so): "I am Spork! Hear my words!"

Random Soldier: "No you're not. Spork is 12 feet tall."

Encountering a random orc patrol in the mountains:

Spork: "Hail, brothers, what ho?"

Orcs (charging down the mountain): "Ha-ha! Kill the halfbreed!"

Spork: *shrugs, picks up axe, charges up mountain* "Kill the full-breeds!"


The other player I've DM'ed for who comes up with many hilarious quotes is Rhee, the half-elf thief.


during our first session ever, while trying to extract the party's Paladin from a pit trap, Rhee is surprised by bandits

Bandits: "Well well well, what have we here?"

Rhee: "A Paladin. 'Bye!" *drops rope, runs*

Paladin: "So that's the kind of campaign it's gonna be..."

many years pass...

DM (as an aside): "The only way you could become king here is if one of you married the infant princess, waited for her to grow up, sired an heir, then both of them died leaving the two kingdoms to you."

Rhee: "Guys... we can DO this!"

While on a scouting mission:

sending: From Rhee. Enemy fortress discovered. Mountain pass north of river. Enemy forces two thousand infantry, five hundred cavalry. Well supplied. Send help. Not the Paladin.

[RPGaddict28]

Background: I'm talking to another a friend about murdering another player, who I already warned that their character was gonna get killed.

Friend: I don't think you're allowed to fulfill your own prophecies.
Me: Eh, just call me a progressive oracle.

[KnotKnormal]

And the Galaxy yelled THOG!!!!

It was a starwars setting and I had picked a random race to play (literally closed my eyes and pointed) what came up was the weird pig thing with a -4 to int. any way it was the second session and I was having trouble getting into character. for you see Thog says Thog's name a lot, else Thog forget, that happened once. So we are on bored a ship and on board there are 2 Jedi, one being a Tweelic. Me being Me, and Thog being Thog, I decide to hit on the Tweelic.

Thog: Me thinks pretty blue lady is pretty
Tweelic: well thank you. And what is your name?
Thog: Thog's name is... Um... Um... Um...
Everyone on board + DM: THOG!!!

And thus Thog was born, I plan to play him again in an upcoming 3.5 game.