So, I have a date tomorrow...

[Jeivar]

Okay, I'm a 31 year old dude with Asperger Syndrome and the correspondingly limited social life. I do have a few friends but my dating life has been . . . shall we say uneventful.

Now I've met a nice lady my age online, we've chatted for a bit and she suggested we meet tomorrow evening at a coffee shop. I'm already kind of a nervous wreck about it. We seem to be at about the same wavelength lifestyle-wise, neither of us is the night clubbing type and we're both looking for a relationship rather than a one-night-stand.

But without going into a lengthy discussion about my struggles with Asperger, I've learned most social behavior through experience and observation and so can manage in most social settings. Dating however, I haven't learned. I don't know those unspoken rules, or how the steps progress. I DO know that obvious nervousness and stuttering are not considered attractive.

This could end up being the best thing that has happened to me in a long time; the break I've been wishing for. And I don't want to blow it.

Advice?

[SowZ]

Okay, I'm a 31 year old dude with Asperger Syndrome and the correspondingly limited social life. I do have a few friends but my dating life has been . . . shall we say uneventful.

Now I've met a nice lady my age online, we've chatted for a bit and she suggested we meet tomorrow evening at a coffee shop. I'm already kind of a nervous wreck about it. We seem to be at about the same wavelength lifestyle-wise, neither of us is the night clubbing type and we're both looking for a relationship rather than a one-night-stand.

But without going into a lengthy discussion about my struggles with Asperger, I've learned most social behavior through experience and observation and so can manage in most social settings. Dating however, I haven't learned. I don't know those unspoken rules, or how the steps progress. I DO know that obvious nervousness and stuttering are not considered attractive.

This could end up being the best thing that has happened to me in a long time; the break I've been wishing for. And I don't want to blow it.

Advice?

Where do you live? I've lived in quite a few regions in the US and not been very shy in the dating department post high-school, but will not be able to give much advise outside of that. I also know a number of acquaintances/friends diagnosed with Aspergers so I'm familiar with it, but again, if you are outside America I'm fairly clueless as to the customs.

[Dausuul]

Okay, I'm a 31 year old dude with Asperger Syndrome and the correspondingly limited social life. I do have a few friends but my dating life has been . . . shall we say uneventful.

Now I've met a nice lady my age online, we've chatted for a bit and she suggested we meet tomorrow evening at a coffee shop. I'm already kind of a nervous wreck about it. We seem to be at about the same wavelength lifestyle-wise, neither of us is the night clubbing type and we're both looking for a relationship rather than a one-night-stand.

But without going into a lengthy discussion about my struggles with Asperger, I've learned most social behavior through experience and observation and so can manage in most social settings. Dating however, I haven't learned. I don't know those unspoken rules, or how the steps progress. I DO know that obvious nervousness and stuttering are not considered attractive.

This could end up being the best thing that has happened to me in a long time; the break I've been wishing for. And I don't want to blow it.

Advice?

The first thing is to make sure she knows you have Asperger's and at least some of what that means. You've already gotten acquainted with her, and she likes what she's seen so far or she wouldn't have agreed to a date. If she knows social graces are a bit of a foreign language to you, she'll cut you some slack if you say something off.

Second, if the conversation flags, ask her a question about herself--her work, her hobbies, whatever. Most people are flattered and happy to be asked about themselves. Let her answer and wait till she's done talking, and leave a breath's worth of pause after she's done; you don't want it to feel like an interrogation. Then pick something in her answer to follow up on, either with another question or with a comment about something related in your own life. Speak slowly and smile. It's not really that different from conversation with somebody you're just getting to know in a social setting.

As far as the sexual side of things goes, you probably don't want to push it much in a coffee-shop meetup, which is sort of a precursor to a proper date. She's only talked to you online; your main job right now is to not be a psycho in real life. This should be doable. :) You can go for a hug at the end. I'd say don't initiate a kiss this time, but if she initiates, kiss back. (Unless of course you find that she's a psycho in real life and want nothing more to do with her. This can happen. Be prepared.)

If you do want to see her again, suggest getting together for dinner sometime. I recommend a movie followed by dinner; that way you can talk about the movie while eating. :) At the end of that date, try for a light kiss on the lips and see what you get.

Edited to add: Just noticed that she was the one who asked you out. That's a good sign. Women don't usually do that unless they're already feeling pretty positive about the guy. It also means she isn't looking for a macho take-charge type; if you're a little nervous, she's more likely to find it endearing than off-putting.

[Dvil]

Honestly, I'd suggest kinda blunt honesty. You don't have to go barreling into this conversation, but at some point during the evening I'd recommend just telling her what you've told us here. "By the way I have asperger's, I can get by in social situations but I'm a bit clueless on date etiquette". It means she doesn't end up second-guessing your actions, and it also hints that the asperger's isn't an insurmountable obstacle, merely one that is present.
I also agree with a lot of what Dausuul said: this isn't a super-romantic occasion, this is just getting to know each other. A lot of what you've learned about ordinary social settings will overlap and will serve you well here. Anything you're not sure on, just try and follow her lead where you can.
Oh, and good luck!

[Karoht]

Rule 1: Don't be nervous. Harder to do than it sounds.

Rule 2: Stay casual. See rule #1.

Rule 3: Talk to this person as though they are a friend at first, start opening up a bit, and let things progress from there.

Rule 4: Try to stay on common ground at first. Shows you like, games you like, stuff you do for fun, that kind of thing. Don't defend things you like if the other person doesn't, just roll with it. Don't explain why you love a movie or a comic, but if conversation goes that way, try to explain it in 25 words or less at first, unless prompted to elaborate further.

Rule 5: Manners. Stick with known manners and avoid common social faux pas. In otherwords "When in Rome, do as the Romans" just don't assume your in Greece, if you catch my drift. Showing some initiative here tends to help. Be courteous if you can. Hold the door unless he tells you that it bothers her (I've encountered extremely few ladies who dislike fellows who hold the door, but it does occasionally happen). Offer to pay for things, but if she offers first, make sure you accept politely.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I got this."
"Oh, well thank you."
Show some initiative, offer to pay for the next thing if it comes up. IE-If she gets the movie tickets, casually ask if she wants a drink or popcorn or something and go handle that. Try to leave a bit of a pause in between the two events if possible, as it might look like you are trying to set the balance out of obligation. Try to appear as though the two events are unconnected if possible. Just don't be too slow about it either.

Rule 6: This is dating. There are no rules.

Happy hunting!

[Crow]

Honestly, I'd suggest kinda blunt honesty. You don't have to go barreling into this conversation, but at some point during the evening I'd recommend just telling her what you've told us here. "By the way I have asperger's, I can get by in social situations but I'm a bit clueless on date etiquette". It means she doesn't end up second-guessing your actions, and it also hints that the asperger's isn't an insurmountable obstacle, merely one that is present.
I also agree with a lot of what Dausuul said: this isn't a super-romantic occasion, this is just getting to know each other. A lot of what you've learned about ordinary social settings will overlap and will serve you well here. Anything you're not sure on, just try and follow her lead where you can.
Oh, and good luck!

This.

It is okay to be nervous. When I notice myself getting that way, I admit to the person that I am nervous. That takes a bit of the pressure off, as they will somewhat expect you to stumble a bit, and understand.

[Pam Smith]

Hi Jeivar,

Don't worry so much. Just remember, we all have our idiosyncrasies and personal issues. There is nothing wrong or anything to be ashamed off here. You just be your confident and natural self and let the universe unravel itself before you.. You must believe, you too are part of the universe to play your role. So go out and play it.

From your messages here you already seem like a confident person. Just go out and be that person.

Goodluck and be brave. Always.


Re'
Pam

[is_Wayside]

From one Aspie to another;

Nothing against them, but neurotypicals can be hard to read. A plus side to us, though, is we are also more likely to be able to be open and honest with what's in our head. While many couples struggle with mindgames, we almost surpass that problem entirely.

With that being said, being TOO honest TOO quickly is a usually not good. Ironically, women can think this is a sign of desperation, when really it's just part of our modus operandi. From what I can tell, you've learned socially to properly use the "don't be too open" filter that seems to come naturally for everyone else.

So in short, while I applaud your willingness and desire to be open, also remember that you don't owe it to anyone to spill any sort of information on yourself in any sort of time line. And while I hate to say it, there is still a stigma against us. With the more socially adept aspie, we simply end up being the 'oddball bat-**** genius' type of person. If you say "the a word", though, that you may end up receiving the blunt of this stigma if you are not well known enough first. I have even lost close neurotypical friends once I decided to open up about my Asperger's.

Continue to be honest, and when it feels right, let her know. You don't need to open up too quickly, and anyone who can't accept your awesome-but-different brain wiring doesn't need to be in your life. From what I can tell, she seems to appreciate you as a person.

P.S.
I understand the whole nervousness about speaking. I had a friend read over this to make sure my post actually made sense!

[danzibr]

My brother was an Aspie.

Anyway, a looooot of this depends on her. If she's quite open, a great "strategy" is, as already mentioned, ask about her. But then again, we don't know the depth of your online interactions; perhaps you already know all that.

Or if she's shy, she may not want to talk about herself.

Also, bring nervous isn't necessarily bad. She might find it endearing. Also, after a few minutes (or tens of minutes) the nerves naturally abide.

[Hiro Protagonest]

You guys are giving advice for a date that happened three and a half months ago.

[lio45]

You guys are giving advice for a date that happened three and a half months ago.

And he's been active on the forums since then (last visit yesterday evening) yet has never reported back in here to tell the community how it went. :smallconfused: Hope it went well...

(Tell yourself that in any case, the precious XP gained was certainly a positive thing.)

[danzibr]

You guys are giving advice for a date that happened three and a half months ago.
This demonstrates very well my attention to detail.

[lio45]

This demonstrates very well my attention to detail.

Well, honestly, the title says "I have a date tomorrow...", so it should immediately tell you that as soon as the thread is already 24+ hours old, it's already too late to give pre-date advice.

Considering that, I couldn't help but check the date of the OP first...

:P