Insane Polearm Logic

[CletusMusashi]

Place all your Jiminy theories here.

Example #1:
Jiminy wants to be Chaotic, just like Nale wanted to be Lawful, and, like Nale, he tries a little bit too hard at the wrong parts of the alignment. He quit the Thieves' Guild because guilds are "too lawful," and he now runs a completely insane business for no profit. Because making money is what he's expected to do, and fulfilling expectations is "too lawful." Even his mustache is gratuitously chaotic, refusing to acknowledge the law of gravity.

Example #2:
Jiminy is afraid that Bozzok is still after him, so he does certain things in order to maintain deep cover. One is that he runs a polearm shop, something nobody would ever have expected. Another is that, as long as he has enough money to get by, he deliberately sabotages his own business by lying to many customers about not having any polearms. After all, the owner of a failing business is even farther off the grid than the owner of a successful one. And, finally, he no longer goes by the name Jiminy. His new name is Bill Hook.

What has everybody else got?

[Trillium]

Bozzok still expects him to pay a part of his profits to the Guild. So he intentionally make NO profit whatsoever, so Bozzok get nill.

[Shale]

The real reason he wanted out of the Thieves' Guild was because he'd been skimming off the top for years, and is now fabulously wealthy. He's basically retired, and opened the shop so he can spend that retirement screwing with people's heads.

[jidasfire]

He's somehow found a method by which he can steal other people's time, and eventually use it to power some sort of chronomantic magic, thus allowing him to rule the past, present, and future simultaneously.

It's pretty obvious if you think about it.

[Trillium]

He's somehow found a method by which he can steal other people's time, and eventually use it to power some sort of chronomantic magic, thus allowing him to rule the past, present, and future simultaneously.

It's pretty obvious if you think about it.

So you mean he just became Raistlin through idiotic behavior?

[DeliaP]

He's clearly a polearm enthusiast.

He's put all his skill ranks into Knowledge (Polearms) and Craft (Polearms) (with one or two into Craft (Mustache))

He is one of the worlds experts on polearms. He knows all sorts of obsessive details about polearms, the history of polearms, the manufacture of polearms, famous polearms, famous polearm makers, famous polearm battles.

He distributes a polearm fanzine called "Polearm!".

When he was at a loss with what to do, a good friend suggested that he'd be great as an expert polearm seller. He sank all his money into buying a stock of polearms. Good polearms, not the cheap knock offs, you understand? Some people think that you can just stick a random agricultural instrument on the end of a 10 ft pole, and call it a polearm. Not these polearms, no.

The problem is, he is obsessive about collecting polearms and has found himself unable to bring himself to sell any. He knows every polearm he has ever bought. They're stacked in carefully sealed bags in his climate controlled stockroom. He gives some of them names.

He's massively in debt, as he keeps buying more polearms, but he can't bear to part with any. There's a desperation you can see in his eyes and he knows that this can't last, but he just can't stop himself.

Polearms: just say no!

[Sir_Leorik]

Jiminy actually wanted to sell cheese, but there was already a cheese-monger in town so he went into the polearm business.

[Keltest]

He actually sells polls made out of arms (eww) and is so ashamed of this fact that he doesn't keep any on display.

[Ridry]

Wait... we think Jiminy is the polearm guy? I assumed he was an adventurer trying to buy polearms and that the flashback to that store was just a joke.

Edit : Nevermind, I see the picture now!

[ORione]

Oh dear, I can't pick a favorite theory.

[DeliaP]

Jiminy is doing something important. He's part of a long term conspiracy to make OotSWorld safer for everyone by surreptitiously removing weapons from circulation.

By gradually disarming the roving bands of highly armed and dangerous individuals (commonly known as "adventurers") that plague OotSWorld, gobilns, orcs and other humanoids will finally be able to leave the most inhospitable areas of the world, and take up an equal place in society, wthout fear of being randomly murdered for XP. People will gradually realise that sticking someone with a weapon really shouldn't be the considered the first and most sensible means for solving disputes. Travelling salesgnomes are also likely to benefit.

[Vinyadan]

Bozzok still expects him to pay a part of his profits to the Guild. So he intentionally make NO profit whatsoever, so Bozzok get nill.

Vow of poverty FTW. :smallcool:

[Socksy]

Jiminy actually wanted to sell cheese, but there was already a cheese-monger in town so he went into the polearm business.

Until the cheesemonger spiked-chained himself backwards off a cliff, that is.

[Roland Itiative]

Jiminy is clearly the man who provides That Guy With the Halberd with his weaponry, and refuses to sell to anyone else.

[DeliaP]

Jiminy actually wanted to sell cheese, but there was already a cheese-monger in town so he went into the polearm business.

Until the cheesemonger spiked-chained himself backwards off a cliff, that is.

Funny thing is, at that point Jiminy ran the Spikey Chain Emporium, and was the one who advised the cheesemonger about this unbeatable build, that would make him a lot more money than monging cheese all day.

[Mike Havran]

Jiminy is a typical mustache twirling villain who takes great pleasure in watching people getting disappointed. He is secretly concocting his master plan under the guise of a daft merchant.

[Commander672]

He also runs a "Free Range" pet store as a hobby. Isn't very good with birds, though.

[Sir_Leorik]

Until the cheesemonger spiked-chained himself backwards off a cliff, that is.

No, no, the Half-Ogre ran the Cheese Shoppe in Somewhere! The Cheese Bazzar in Jiminy's town was run by a kobold named Pun-Pun!

[Sir_Leorik]

I have a theory about why Jiminy wanted out of the Thieves' Guild, and why Bozzok decided to allow him out, provided Geoff and Ivy helped Bozzok get rid of Ian. It goes something like this:

Jiminy enters Bozzok's office. Crystal, Hank and Jenny are hanging around, and Bozzok sits behind his desk. Jenny is playing a dulcimer.

Bozzok: "Ah, c'mon in Jiminy! So what have you got for us today?"

Jiminy: "Well Bozzok, here's the thing, pickings have been slim for me lately."

Bozzok: "That's okay, so long as you're still earning. So did you hit the Azurite Restaurant up for protection money?"

Jiminy: "No, they closed down last week. Health Inspector found them serving rats without ketchup."

Bozzok: "Yuck. We're better off without them. What about the jewelry shop on Elm? You were casing them, right?"

Jiminy: "Yes, sir! Three days straight!"

Bozzok: "And?"

Jiminy: "The owner burned his shop down for the insurance money."

Bozzok: "Hank, make sure we got a cut of that. What about that three card monte game you ran on Saturdays?"

Jiminy: "Lost my deck."

Bozzok: "So buy another!"

Jiminy: "The novelty shoppe was closed. Marduk's nameday, or something like that."

Bozzok: "Have you been committing any crimes?"

Jiminy: "Absolutely!"

Bozzok: "Let me guess: Picking pockets?"

Jiminy: "No ranks in Slight of Hand."

Bozzok: "Forgery? Banditry? Burglary?"

Jiminy: "Afraid not."

Bozzok: "Homicide? Manslaughter?"

Jiminy: "Um, no."

Bozzok: "Attacking someone with fresh fruit?"

Hank: "Um, sir, you're drifting off into another sketch."

Bozzok: "Right. What about fencing?"

Jiminy: "Yes, sir!"

Bozzok: "Good. Glad to hear it. What did you fence, how much did you pay, and where's our cut?"

Jiminy: "Oh, sorry. I thought you meant fencing as in "fighting with a rapier", not "fencing stolen items". I haven't fenced any stolen items."

Bozzok: "Money laundering? Insurance fraud? Leaving the scene of a carriage accident?"

Jiminy: "No."

Bozzok: Turns to Jenny "Stop playing that dulcimer! Jiminy, have you committed any crimes? What about the Grubwriggler job?"

Jiminy: "I gave that to my cousin. She's a real firecracker of a burglar."

Bozzok: "But you, yourself, did not accompany Haley into Grubwriggler's mansion, nor did you evade Golems, disarm traps and loot the place, correct?"

Jiminy: "Not as such."

Bozzok: "Jiminy!"

Jiminy: "Yes sir!"

Bozzok: "What?"

Jiminy: "You yelled my name out in an exasperated tone."

Bozzok: "Oh sorry, I was expressing my annoyance, not calling your name."

Jiminy: "Not to worry, sir!"

Bozzok: "Look, Jiminy, have you committed any crimes at all? Petty Larceny? Bear baiting? Jury tampering? Child endangerment?"

Jiminy: "Not those, no."

Bozzok: "Surely you must have attacked a Gnomish caravan."

Jiminy: "We don't get many Gnomish caravans this time of year sir."

Hank: "That's true. They usually head for Anywhere or Somewhere."

Bozzok: "What about a numbers racket?"

Jiminy: "Yes sir!"

Bozzok: "You've been running a numbers racket? Really?"

Jiminy: "Yes sir! Let me show you the receipts. Oh dear."

Bozzok: "What."

Jiminy: "You don't want to see the receipts."

Bozzok: "Yes, I really do."

Jiminy: "They're a bit low."

Bozzok: "I'll take what I can get at this point."

Jiminy: "Oh dear. Seems the cat got to the receipts."

Bozzok: "Jiminy, look me in my eyes and answer me this: by Loki's fiery red hair, have you committed any crimes?"

Jiminy: "Yes sir!"

Bozzok: "Really?"

Jiminy: "No, sir. I was just wasting everyone's time."

Crystal draws her dagger.

Bozzok: "Not so fast, Crystal. Jiminy, your uncle is Ian Starshine, right. Crystal and I are gonna go have a chat with your folks, reminisce about old times."

[rbetieh]

The man is a polearm prop-comic that had such a bad schtick that they disarmed him.

[veti]

Jiminy and his cat, Monty, are not running a polearm shop. They are in fact a performance art troupe, honing a collection of sketches on unsuspecting adventurers. They are in the process of revolutionising comedy with their mastery of shock, novelty and defiance of convention. As such, they are of course destined to be quoted, religiously verbatim, for at least half a century to come.

[Sir_Leorik]

Jiminy and his cat, Monty, are not running a polearm shop. They are in fact a performance art troupe, honing a collection of sketches on unsuspecting adventurers. They are in the process of revolutionising comedy with their mastery of shock, novelty and defiance of convention. As such, they are of course destined to be quoted, religiously verbatim, for at least half a century to come.

Well that's all fine and dandy, but don't they know that in order to succeed at this they must have Jews? Or at least Spoony Bards? :smallwink:

[DaggerPen]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/2119740160/h620632A9/

[Michaeler]

It's like all the businesses in Desperado that are deliberately terrible because their income actually comes from the drug trade but they need to have something that looks like a business to plausibly explain how they get money.

Jiminy is pretending to sell polearms to adventurers to explain how he came into a lot of money shortly after the temple of ormagoden was looted by raiders. The mustache is so he doesn't look like the description.

[ChaosArchon]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/2119740160/h620632A9/

So basically you think this thread may be "Too Spicy for Yog Sothoth" now? I'm so sorry the troper in me demanded it for some insane reason

[ryuplaneswalker]

Okay get this.

Jimmy is really Odin, who during a drunken bet with Thor...lost Gungnir by throwing it as far as he can which caused it to land in Stickland somewhere, to regain it he did his normal thing of hide as a human, so he became human and got "adopted"


He found himself in trouble with Bazzok and had to get his "adopted father" to bail him out...so now he is using the cover as a pole-arm/halberd/spear sales man..while waiting for someone to try to sell him Gungnir when they upgrade to something even better.

[Jaxzan Proditor]

I can't believe no one's said this yet (in this thread anyways).
Jiminy never actually wanted to be a polearm vender, he wanted to be... a lumberjack!

Jiminy: Can't you imagine what it's like, selling the same pole for four years?!!

[Redgoblin]

Jimmy never intended to be a salesman, but is instead exposing his "customers" to the most bizarre situations imaginable so he can collect source material for his true dream job. Performing in British comedy sketches.

[goodpeople25]

the reason he owns the store is to draw attention away from the fact that he uses the property to stash the healing potions some of his buddies robbed from the potion store

after paying 20 gold pieces of course
i mean they wouldn't give it to them if they didn't pay for it

[CletusMusashi]

Once upon a time, there was a wise and benevolent paladin who had never known anger or frustration. While travelling through the town where the polearm shop is located, the paladin stopped off to do some shopping, in order to surprise O-Chul on his birthday with the gift of a shiny new naginata-guisarme-voulge. After ten minutes in the shop, the paladin had worn through a lifetime's supply of patience. But, anyway, enough about Miko...

Another possibility is that Jiminy orders all of his polearms in alphabetical order. So, for example, he simply will not place an order for bardiches until after he's placed the order for awl pikes. The reason everything has finally run out is that he's wasted quite a few years now trying to figure out where precisely it is in the Stick-verse that he's supposed to find Bohemian ear spoons.

[Seerow]

Once upon a time, there was a wise and benevolent paladin who had never known anger or frustration. While travelling through the town where the polearm shop is located, the paladin stopped off to do some shopping, in order to surprise O-Chul on his birthday with the gift of a shiny new naginata-guisarme-voulge. After ten minutes in the shop, the paladin had worn through a lifetime's supply of patience. But, anyway, enough about Miko...

Another possibility is that Jiminy orders all of his polearms in alphabetical order. So, for example, he simply will not place an order for bardiches until after he's placed the order for awl pikes. The reason everything has finally run out is that he's wasted quite a few years now trying to figure out where precisely it is in the Stick-verse that he's supposed to find Bohemian ear spoons.

This is by far too logical for this thread. But I approve nonetheless.

[Khay]

Clearly, Jiminy dug through a bargain bin and found an old, obscure third-party sourcebook, which contains a badly-designed Haggler NPC class. This class gets non-combat experience for negotation. The sourcebook does not make mention of sales. Jiminy decided to exploit this loophole.

He's well on his way to Epic levels by now. Thanks to wealth-by-level guidelines, he has earned a fortune despite never having sold a single polearm.

[DeliaP]

Clearly, Jiminy dug through a bargain bin and found an old, obscure third-party sourcebook, which contains a badly-designed Haggler NPC class. This class gets non-combat experience for negotation. The sourcebook does not make mention of sales. Jiminy decided to exploit this loophole.

He's well on his way to Epic levels by now. Thanks to wealth-by-level guidelines, he has earned a fortune despite never having sold a single polearm.

Gah! That's just too good!

[renovator]

Hi,
I think Jiminy may be important as I think he may have been working with Nale.
My logic is the whole town seemed full of incompetents who went out of their way to give no aid OR who were in disguise
A long handlebar moustache is often a theatrical sign of a disguise, or a villain or a magician

BTW Is Jiminy's cat the second cat we have seen in OOTS?
Could it be a familiar ?


regards Renovator

[Sir_Leorik]

Another possibility is that Jiminy orders all of his polearms in alphabetical order. So, for example, he simply will not place an order for bardiches until after he's placed the order for awl pikes. The reason everything has finally run out is that he's wasted quite a few years now trying to figure out where precisely it is in the Stick-verse that he's supposed to find Bohemian ear spoons.

Well... he did place an order for tridents (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0136.html). He was expecting them on the day Roy showed up. So maybe he doesn't order alphabetically after all. :smallbiggrin:

[Dire_E_Coyote]

There's a saying, "It's not a gaming session until someone quotes Monty Python." We even have canonical word-of-the-author of that.

By logical extension, you can't have a gaming world with PCs in it unless there is at least one NPC who inspires Monty Python quotes. Oh yes, Jiminy is a very important person. The OotS world could not exist without Jiminy (and perhaps a few others like him).

If Jiminy actually sold polearms, he couldn't fulfill that critical role.

[mistformsquirrl]

He's clearly a polearm enthusiast.

He's put all his skill ranks into Knowledge (Polearms) and Craft (Polearms) (with one or two into Craft (Mustache))

He is one of the worlds experts on polearms. He knows all sorts of obsessive details about polearms, the history of polearms, the manufacture of polearms, famous polearms, famous polearm makers, famous polearm battles.

He distributes a polearm fanzine called "Polearm!".

When he was at a loss with what to do, a good friend suggested that he'd be great as an expert polearm seller. He sank all his money into buying a stock of polearms. Good polearms, not the cheap knock offs, you understand? Some people think that you can just stick a random agricultural instrument on the end of a 10 ft pole, and call it a polearm. Not these polearms, no.

The problem is, he is obsessive about collecting polearms and has found himself unable to bring himself to sell any. He knows every polearm he has ever bought. They're stacked in carefully sealed bags in his climate controlled stockroom. He gives some of them names.

He's massively in debt, as he keeps buying more polearms, but he can't bear to part with any. There's a desperation you can see in his eyes and he knows that this can't last, but he just can't stop himself.

Polearms: just say no!

Laughing far too hard, consider this my guess as well >_>

[Dodom]

One young man being shielded from a life of crime by his father...
One young woman being shielded from a life of intrigue by her mother...

Don't you see? Laurin's favour is for her daughter to marry HIM!!!


(that totally makes sense! :smalltongue: )

[Sir_Leorik]

One young man being shielded from a life of crime by his father...
One young woman being shielded from a life of intrigue by her mother...

Don't you see? Laurin's favour is for her daughter to marry HIM!!!


(that totally makes sense! :smalltongue: )

But what about the Vicar?

[DaggerPen]

But what about the Vicar?

No, it has to be grocer; it's green. Whoops, I've drifted off into another story entirely.

[Sir_Leorik]

No, it has to be grocer; it's green. Whoops, I've drifted off into another story entirely.

http://img22.imageshack.us/img22/9919/mrjonespx2.png "All right, we're shutting this thread down for copyright infringement!"

http://i62.photobucket.com/albums/h87/osiris32/lawyer2.png "And for being really silly!"

[CletusMusashi]

Before branching off into polearms, Jiminy's previous business venture was a stir-fry restaurant where he sold food to passing pedestrians by leaning out and actually cooking it on the window sill where they could watch the entire preparation. He called it The Silly Wok.

[Sir_Leorik]

Before branching off into polearms, Jiminy's previous business venture was a stir-fry restaurant where he sold food to passing pedestrians by leaning out and actually cooking it on the window sill where they could watch the entire preparation. He called it The Silly Wok.

That stir-fry restaurant was next to the Ministry of Hopping Nuns of Freya. Whenever patrons asked for directions to The Silly Wok, they were told "Go the Ministry to get to The Silly Wok."