View Full Version : [Humor] Three (or more) things a player should know when they come to your table.

Isamu Dyson
2014-02-03, 07:07 PM
1. Dwarves are Scottish. No exceptions.
2. Ignore the cats at your own peril.
3. Daggers are a necessary Material Component of the Diplomacy Skill.

The Oni
2014-02-03, 07:14 PM
1. I'm mean to characters, not to players. Don't take it personally, we're all friends here
2. Doing your character's voice goes a long way towards Diplomacy checks
3. The password is always Swordfish

2014-02-03, 07:19 PM
1. I like guns. My own custom settings all have flintlocks and you get brownie points for using them.
2. The more creatively you break the game, the more likely I am to let it stay broken, if just for one session.
3. Tents are your best protection against assassins (there is a story behind this).

2014-02-03, 07:27 PM
1. Wear a pancho. It could get wet.
2. A Will save can not protect you from Illusion magic. You need TRUE SIGHT!!!
3. If your character is holding a whip, you get a +2 bonus to Intimidate, Bluff, and Diplomacy checks. A +4 bonus instead if your character is proficient and cracks it. A +6 bonus instead if you bring an actual whip to the table.

2014-02-03, 08:01 PM
1. The gods are crazy, dead, or incredibly petty and childish for the most part, invoke them at your peril.

2. Goblins come in three (potentially overlapping) flavors - chaotic evil, oppressed minority, and musical.

3. I like kemonomimi (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LittleBitBeastly). I don't expect anyone to play one, but the option tends to be open in my campaigns in one or more forms; and you'll likely meet them around the world. Note that just because I like them doesn't mean I treat them any differently than any other fantasy race; they exist across the alignment spectrum and you must exercise just as much caution around kemonomimi NPCs as any other. (Beware catgirl vampires.) <',..,'>

4. I tend to have oddly specific world designs - as such, expect a more limited race/class selection than might normally exist in a 'fantasy kitchen sink' setting. I know that can be irritating; but I find it does help with maintaining the integrity of the setting. Hopefully I'll make it up to you with an excellent adventure.

5. I'm not afraid of including firearms if they fit the campaign in some way; bring on your gunslingers; depending on the setting you may even get to wield Advanced Firearms.

6. If we're at a physical table together, I will bring bean dip and chips. Bean dip is freaking awesome. <^_^>

2014-02-03, 08:21 PM
1. Do not piss off the support. EVER.
2. The Geodude line is the ultimate evil.
3. Everyone will get to be awesome in some way.

2014-02-03, 08:27 PM
Rule #1: The DM always lies.

Corollary to Rule #1: Because the DM always lies, Rule #1 is a lie. Therefore, sometimes the DM tells the truth.

Rule #2: You may not kill another player's character. That right belongs to the DM.

Rule #3: The DM reserves the right to, at any time, cause a drunken wizard to stumble out of a nearby tavern and cast Silence upon your character, if he feels this is in the best interests of the party. This is true even in situations where a nearby tavern makes no logical sense whatsoever: e.g., in the middle of an enchanted forest, while locked in the BBEG's dungeons, or while at the court of a noble king.

Rule #4: If you can create a character which can kill a deity at level Ten, that is excellent for you. I ask that you leave it at home, so that I can actually challenge you.

Rule #5: I like to give characters awesome things specific to the character. If you complain that another player has something awesome which does not exist in the rules, I will take this as a statement that you do not want yours.

Rule #6: I accept bribes in the form of delicious food items, valuable military secrets, and of course puppies.

Isamu Dyson
2014-02-03, 08:30 PM
Rule #6: I accept bribes in the form of delicious food items, valuable military secrets, and of course puppies.

You should reward a player that manages to pull off all three in a single conversation...or gift basket.

Dorian Gray
2014-02-03, 11:20 PM
1: Optimization is encouraged. I love learning new combos to use against you.
2: Death happens, and is often permanent. That being said, you will always have time to say your last words.
3: I play my wizards like cocksure rogues and my rogues like paranoid wizards.
4: No matter what anyone says, bards and rogues are the most powerful classes in the game.
5: Except spell thieves.

2014-02-03, 11:33 PM
1. Male elves are always comic relief. Female elves are always extremely dangerous.

2. If you have a random idea for something to do and really insist on roleplaying it out fully, I will spend ten minutes improvising a ridiculous scene with you which will probably end up with a new recurring villain.

3. Do not ask me that NPC's name. Just don't. Please.

4. There exists a single Deck of Many Things in every campaign I run, somewhere at some point, off to the side or something acting innocuous. So far, nobody has tried to use it.

5. That crazy plan you thought of that you're not sure whether you really want to do it because there's a high probability of serious injury to everyone involved? Do it. I want you to. It will be amazing.

6. At some point in the campaign, there will be pirates. You will most likely be among them. Because pirates are great. (This one applies to my whole group, not just the games I run.)

7. If you roll a level 3 Wizard with a 6 Con on purpose, you will die in the second session and nobody will feel sorry for you. In fact, you only survived the first session because there was no combat.

8. No, I will not tell you why your character would be traveling with this group or be interested in this quest. That's your job.

9. If you initiate PVP, all implicit protections against unfair deaths from me go out the window.

10. I love gnomes. Expect them often, and when least expected.

11. Please don't point out the cliches in my plot, that's really just rude.

12. If you fail to keep track of how many charges are left on your powerful magic item, let's assume it's 0. Not wands, more like Necklaces of Fireballs.

13. Sometimes there will be fights you're supposed to be smart enough not to get into. If you get into them anyway, I'll try to come up with a way to not have a TPK... but, no guarantees.

14. If it seems like I'm picking on your character... I probably am, and it's probably hilarious for everyone.

2014-02-04, 12:56 AM
1. If your a cop, you have to tell them if your a cop.

2014-02-04, 01:07 AM
1. if you roll a ninja I will have to kill your character in some spectacularly painful way, it's not personal.

2. if a cat gets on the table and moves your dice the new result is the one we use, no arguments (not just my rule).

3. while it's not a rule just about everyone at the table will play evil, it's more natural to us, if you play good expect several sessions of being manipulated by people way more experienced than you for no other reason than because it amuses them.

4. all plans, no matter how stupid, will be accepted and taken seriously if put into action by a player. this includes: deck of many things strip poker, replacing every statue in a city with trained and loyal gargoyles, and attempting to choke a gold dragon to death by overfeeding it on goblins.

5. no, you may not name your badly statted wizard rincewind for an increase in run speed. your attempt is appreciated though and you will instead receive more starting gold.

Isamu Dyson
2014-02-04, 01:13 AM
4. Even treasure fights back.
5. Not a fan of movement skills? That's okay. There will only be about a dozen insurmountable cliffs and raging rapids to cross.
6. Not all bad guys wear black. Some are quite fond of entrails.

2014-02-04, 01:42 AM
1. There is always a kraken nearby. Even if you're not on or near the water. Especially if you're in a tavern.

2. Don't drink the Genie Juice. That stuff will mess you up, no matter how good your Fort save is.

3. Yes, the mountain goats breathe fire. No, you shouldn't think too hard about why.

2014-02-04, 02:28 AM
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3HdfzC7Shg
2. You will die.
3. Have fun.


Kid Jake
2014-02-04, 03:13 AM
1. You gain a circumstance bonus if you render me speechless.
2. I'm always inclined to take the more awesome interpretation of a rule.
3. No eye contact.
4. If you want to take prisoners, act like it. If you insist on setting every group of mooks you find on fire, don't expect to question them afterwards.

Prince Raven
2014-02-04, 03:20 AM
1. Some problems can't be solved through combat, attempting to do so anyway sharply reduces your character's life expectancy.
2. Good roleplaying and creative problem-solving are highly encouraged.
3. Don't trust everything you hear from NPCs.

2014-02-04, 03:58 AM
1. If your roll falls off the table and you call Jumanji, it counts.

2. Reading the handouts I prepare will help you.

3. If your backstory is good, I will give you cool stuff.

2014-02-04, 04:04 AM
1. Slowing down the game to systematically search every nook and cranny in every room for extra treasure may be severely hazardous to your health.

"I search the goblins' pockets."
"I search the barrels."
"I search the desk."
"I start prying up stone tiles."
"I feel every stone along the walls."
"I start opening goblins up and checking their stomach contents."
"I double check the goblins' pockets, now that their stomachs are open."
"I search under the barrels."
"I'm done prying up stone tiles; I start to dig into the earth underneath them now."

2. Slowing down the game to tell a tangent that is not at all related to the game we are currently playing may be severely hazardous to your health.

"Oh, hey, Kev, did you see that video on Youtube I sent you today where the guy was skiing and he ran into a polar bear, and they both went careening down the hill and ended up ruining that girl's tea party? HA HA IT WAS HILARIOUS."

3. No matter what clever, amazing thing you do in combat, you will never match the level 1 dwarf barbarian's clever use of the enemy kobold as a flail.

No, seriously. He got a lot of bonus XP for that one. You don't get a lot of bonus XP for making seven skill checks in this combat round to do some insane backflip parkour leap off that wall, landing on your hand and spin-kicking the goblin in stomach while singing O Canada backwards. Neat trick though, I suppose.

2014-02-04, 04:09 AM
1. Bribe the GM with food (especially beer)
2. You will be thrown out for dissing certain things (Star Wars, Hellblazer, whatever I feel like at the moment)
3. If you don't like my house rules you are free to complain, and for some inexplicable reason they tend to multiply and mess you up even more. Whoda thunkit?

Erik Vale
2014-02-04, 04:27 AM
1: Sh*t happens. A random mook can roll a 3/20-20 for max damage. I expect a WTF, but let me describe it, I let you describe your kills.

2: Yes, my sense of scale can be iffy. It's normally to your benefit, don't complain or you'll get to track rations, encumbrance, and I'll actually do random encounters...

3: I tend to like individual overpowering big bads, and lots of week little mooks. Deal with it.

4: Avoid the optimization arms race please. Though cool sh*t is acceptable on a few occasions.

5: Not all random encounters I make up are level appropriate. The random hermit may well be a insane level one commoner, or he could be a high level wizard. Care to test?

6: I respect well roleplayed underpowered builds, don't feel you need to follow the arms race.

7: WBL is for me to break over my knee for you, not for you to break over your knee for yourself. Keep that in mind.

2014-02-04, 04:42 AM
1. You can play anything. No, seriously.

2. Expect weirdness. Curses on princesses will be broken by man-on-man kissing because she's a yaoi shipper, etc.

3. For the love of all that is holy do not give the GM ideas.

2014-02-04, 05:37 AM
I've never DMed, but most of the games I play in are at my table, so it counts.:smalltongue:

Previous group:

1. Your character need not participate in either, but there will be both a rock concert and an orgy involved in every tavern or inn visit that the party makes.

2. Do not overthink any setting or plot detail, lest you come face to face with the Animated Twinkie of Smiting.

3. Ridiculous ideas are encouraged, especially if they make the DM cringe.

4. The campaign setting is not to scale. Any attempts to guess, estimate, or calculate the distance and/or travel time between any points A and B based on the distance and/or travel time of any other pair of points will be incorrect.

5. Do not question the Ranger's logic, for he has none.

6. The likelihood of a given player actually being able to attend the next session is inversely proportional to how sensible and responsible their character is. If the latter value is not abysmally low, then the former value is also inversely proportional to how much the upcoming scenario demands some measure of sense and responsibility.

Current group, general:

1. At least half the group will be playing a deliberately silly character concept. If you are not one of them, at least try to play along.

2. The campaign will start in a fashion completely irrelevant to your character's personality, background, motivation, and previous physical location. This will be blatantly handwaved. In-character confusion is welcome, but out-of-character you will be expected to just roll with it.

3. Expect silliness in all other areas as well.

Current group, campaign #1:

1. In any location or scenario where social interaction is feasible, at least one hour of real-time will be consumed by a variety of humorous derailments and general shenanigans.

2. If your character is male and an elf, or male and of sufficient physique, expect to be hit on by the Beguiler, though she's quick to throw in the towel if she's not getting anywhere.

3. If your character is male and has a pulse, expect to be propositioned by Cleric. Repeatedly. And regardless of the severity of previous rejections.

4. Humans in this setting are hyper-pacifists as their hat. The DM rarely remembers this fact.

Current group, campaign #2:

1. Yes, the DM is pulling pretty much the entire campaign from her rear. No, she's not trying to hide it.

2. No magic item is to be trusted until properly identified.

3. Do not eat anything offered to you by an NPC. Especially not the donuts.

2014-02-04, 06:08 AM
1.) I have a small obsession with Dragons, but for your sanity they tend to be in human form unless you are hunting one. (BEWARE THE WIZARDS)

2.) I accept bribery in the form of money and food.

3.) I expect you to at least try to not be chaotic evil. Violators cannot complain when burning down a village causes a party of heroes to hunt them down.

2014-02-04, 09:38 AM
1) There is always a Drunk God, even if we aren't playing Pathfinder
2) Ignore number 1, as we are ALWAYS playing Pathfinder
3) Character sheets are flammable and your GM is easily angered by OOC nonsense. You have been warned.
4) Acting in character will always result in a bonus to your check
5) Having a turn like "I swing sword" will result in a huge penalty if not an automatic fail.
6) Anything can be a Half-Dragon. Anything. Yes, even THAT.
7) The BBEG doesn't follow the rules, literally. He may be a full caster in full plate, or a Demi-God who took levels in a class that gives him everything, or worse yet may take two to three turns an initiative round. Deal with it.

2014-02-04, 10:14 AM
1. Always make sure to identify if you are speaking in or out of character. Nothing like telling the person you're going to backstab that you're going to backstab them because they deserve to be backstabbed.

2. There are no wrong uses for another 50 ft. of rope.

3. No taunting the DM when you wreck his boss encounter with a lucky crit. Thats when he spontaneously multiclasses Frenzied berserker and goes into deathless frenzy

2014-02-04, 11:42 AM
1. There may be turnips. (Yes, there's a story.)
2. Open season on authority figures! (Yes, there's a story.)
3. Death is too good for your character.

2014-02-04, 12:06 PM
1. Children are always good.
2. See that plot armor? It's not youuuurs.
3. No seriously, if you thought about killing children (or dragon hatchlings), I will come for you.

2014-02-04, 01:06 PM
1. If you quote monty python, you must eat your character sheet. No exceptions. Not even for the GM.

2. The story is dark and can be assumed to have no true evil. Unless the PCs are the evil. Deal with it.

3. Everyone will try to rob you if you're rich. I cannot promise that the party is not part of this.

4. (For any fantasy setting) Assassination and Politics are interchangeable if you're nobility.

5. I will be either kind or fiendish. It depends on how much you break rule 1 or waste time on money or showing off.

5b. This can change during a session.

6. Death is death. Quit complaining and re-roll.

2014-02-04, 02:37 PM
1. Expect lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of reference, especially to things almost all of us don't know.
2. We play a mix of general shenanigans, action scenes and in-character roleplay. Expect some CharOp-ing as well.
3. Refluff can, and will be needed for just about anything we do.

2014-02-04, 02:41 PM
1. If you walk into my game expecting all orcs, goblins, hobgoblins, and drow to be evil, you're gonna have a bad time.

2. Yes I love magitech. Yes I tend to be generous with loot. Yes I make encounters to match.

3. I don't have a poker face. So if you see me grinning or laughing or giving an evil smile...

4. No, I will not stop with the food porn.

2014-02-04, 03:24 PM
1. Playing a off-the-wall gnome character will always make me smile. This is good for the rest of the party.
2. Be as broken as you want. The only person you'll be hurting the game for is yourself, unless you like being a disgusting god character, in which case, GTFO my campaign.
3. Expect running jokes, call-backs, silly moments and out-of-character discussion. It happens, so enjoy it.

Jay R
2014-02-04, 06:00 PM
1. I re-write monster descriptions. The monster descriptions in the books are what your character heard from songs in the taverns, based on tales told by adventurers. Adventurers often lie. Most tavern-singers have never faced a zombie, hippogriff, or wyvern.

2. Specifically, dragons are not color-coded for the benefit of the PCs.

3. I believe in common sense. If your idea sounded stupid the first time, further explanations won't help.

4. A Good action is one you don't have to convince anybody is really good. A necessary action that a good character is forced by circumstances to commit is not the same thing.

5. Monsters do not show up in CR order so you can always have a "level-appropriate" encounter. The world is what it is, often nasty and dangerous. If you're outgunned, don't quote rules about CR, run away.

6. If you try to kill another PC, you have shown me that you think it's all right for PCs to die. I will not forget.

7. I believe in heroes. Trying to save all the townspeople impresses me more than using them as expendable diversions.

8. You cannot have a private OOC conversation unless your characters are in private. Anything you tell another player while his character is talking to an NPC, to help him in that discussion, will be heard by the NPC.

9. I don't particularly like killing PCs, and don't set up things for that purpose. But I cannot save you from your own stupidity, and won't try.

10. I wrote out the introduction to the campaign for a reason. Not only does it contain many things to help you make the best characters for this campaign, the world background probably includes clues your characters will need. Read it.

The Fury
2014-02-04, 06:15 PM
3. Do not ask me that NPC's name. Just don't. Please.

Fair enough. Although when any character refuses to provide a name, I'm likely to give a nickname and use it in character. Some are more flattering than others.

4. No, I will not stop with the food porn.

Well, as a player there is only one reasonable response to this. Order some pancakes at the tavern.

Ydaer Ca Noit
2014-02-04, 11:19 PM
1. Running/avoiding encounters isn't just a good option, its the best option.
2. If it wasn't cool it wouldn't be cliche. Now kill those rats in the cellar.
3. You *are* getting accused of murdering kids when you are back from the cellar.
4. There is logical explanation for everything. If you care enough to figure it out yourself :smalltongue:

2014-02-05, 01:20 AM
Well, as a player there is only one reasonable response to this. Order some pancakes at the tavern.
I'd order McKobold's.

The Fury
2014-02-05, 01:23 AM
I'd order McKobold's.

That's cool. I won't judge you for the kind of food porn you enjoy.

Also, heheh... McKobold's...

2014-02-05, 04:20 AM
1. The DM is not nearly as clever as he thinks.

2. The DM is far more spiteful and bitter than you think.

3. Expect homebrew and pulling from other games. Dragonmech in a homebrew magi-tech Pathfinder setting should surprise nobody.

4. Do not try to play or manipulate the DM. See #2. This includes asking "detect evil?" in an attempt to get free info when nobody can detect evil.

5. No means no. Continued pesterings will result in bad things that elicit cackles of delight from the DM.

6. The DM will make mistakes (as he is fairly new). It is appreciated that you do not take advantage of this.

7. Expect ponies in some shape, form or incarnation.

8. If the fight seems impossible/stupid hard, you're not being clever enough.

Figgin of Chaos
2014-02-05, 10:22 PM
1: Don't worry about not being prepared, because I'm definitely not either.

2: Don't judge wholly by appearances. Demons can be your friends and angels can stab you in the back.

3: When all else fails, do something funny.

2014-02-06, 03:48 AM
4. My name is Spore. You might know me from such things as: Optimize the crap out of anything.
5. That didn't change when I took DMing over.
6. Prepare yourself to WORK for your XP.

Mono Vertigo
2014-02-06, 05:29 AM
1. I am easily amused, and I like being entertained. I also quickly stop being entertained.
2. If you believe I know the rules better than you do, unless you're relatively new, you'll probably find yourself sorely mistaken. The worst that will happen if you point out discrepancies is that I'll headdesk violently. Out of shame.
3. There will be an NPC doing things for no reason but their own entertainment. It could be the weak thug in a random encounter, or it could be your trusted questgiver. (Yes, you can punish them for all your trouble.)
4. Death is an unlikely risk. If you get yourself killed, you had it coming.
4bis. There are worse things than death. :smallamused:

2014-02-06, 06:25 AM
1. Expect the face the oddest monsters in any given book. Homebrew or otherwise.
2. Whenever I here the term "my little pony" I will mentally and likely physically replace it with "Tickablang" or worse, "Nuckelavee." You have been warned.
3. Expect guns and siege weapons. Cannons improve ALL encounters.
4. New feats? In my monsters? it's more likely than you think.
5. I'm new at this. Don't expect too much.
6. Bare-fist fighting is cool. Expect your reputation to expand greatly if you're a monk or otherwise focused in that direction.

2014-02-06, 06:45 AM
1. Communication is key. Players should communicate with the GM and each other, both during the sessions and outside of them.
2. The more you optimize, the more I optimize back. Try to keep the group's optimization level equal.
3. If you abuse a particular mechanic, I will counter it in as many ways as I can think of. Just because you don't think you can get hit doesn't mean I can't find a way to bypass that defense.
4. There is more to the story than the NPCs are telling you. Visual clues are often as important as descriptive or narrative.
5. Everyone has their own agenda. That doesn't mean you can't trust anyone, it just means they have their own goals in mind when talking to you.
6. I make mistakes. I also like having my mistakes pointed out. But try to look the rules up before arguing on something, or at least tell me you're looking up the rules for a certain part you think might be wrong.

2014-02-06, 01:42 PM
2. The more creatively you break the game, the more likely I am to let it stay broken, if just for one session. Yes!

1. Metagaming is done at the cost of health. This makes barbarians good for metagaming.
2. Of course all quest-giving NPCs are stronger than you. That's why they're the questgiver and you're the peon.
3. Actions have consequences. You'll pay a price for everything.
4. Orquacourt always gets destroyed. Always.
5. Just because you didn't succeed at your skill check doesn't mean I'm actually hiding information from you.
6. Phase Spiders happen.
7. I'm not actually trying to kill you... No really. If you died, you deserved it.
8. Why yes, I am just making all of this up as I go.
9. The only way you'll get along with me while playing an evil character is if you do it creatively. Your cliched murderhobo will have a short life expectancy. See Rule #3.
10. If you ask me who someone is and I respond with a tautology, it's probably because that's all you need to know.

2014-02-06, 01:49 PM
9. The more you harass the DM over the setting, the more crazy things they'll pull from non-Pathfinder sources.

10. The story marches on. Hope you keep in step.

2014-02-06, 01:55 PM
10. If you ask me who someone is and I respond with a tautology, it's probably because that's all you need to know.

1.if I have no memory of an npc, that probably means he isn't important enough for you to keep asking things about.

2. If somebody has a title longer than the parties name combined, they probably earned them all. Attempt to harm at your own risk.

3. Keep in mind, while my time for enemy making is less than that of yours for char building, I have significantly more of all other resources. Including optimization skill.

Isamu Dyson
2014-02-06, 05:47 PM
7. Rule 0 is important, but it doesn't hold an everburning torch to the Rule of Cool.
8. Guns do not make you invincible. Sure does feel like it though, huh?
9. You say "bad roll", I say "tale to tell your children".

2014-02-06, 06:07 PM
4. Optimization is slightly required, and will not be frowned upon. However, CharOp does not mean things like Pun-Pun.

5. Describing your actions gives you bonus. Saying "I hit the dragon with a sword" is frowned upon. Saying "I start running on the platform, jump off of it into the dragon's back and stab him in his eyes" gives you bonus damage and blinds, even if you hit with an MBA.

6. Expect really hammy characters, everything trying to kill you and some relationships. Yes, since me, my girlfriend, my friend and his girlfriend (which is also my girlfriend's friend) are playing in the same table, expect our characters to have relationships.

7. You always have time to say words during the battle. Yes, even when you attack. It's encouraged, actually.