[3.5] Help! My PC got his tongue cut!

[Mithril Rhino]

Long Story Short: My level 8 ranger is a bit too much sarcastic and comic against people which whom he should maintain his mouth shut. So he's right now with no hands, no foot and no tongue.

In this current campaign the regeneration magic/meanings are, how to say it, "steampunk"... to be clear, i'll get my hands and feet replaced with Steel-made magical prostethics.
The bad part is my tongue won't be restored (DM said something about shenanighans and "a metal tongue wont be functional"... which sounds silly thinking about a game with giant fire-breathing lizards, but let him be right for today and call it a day)

The only condition is not multiclassing out of ranger unless is to cleric, because i was already going that way.
I really dont care if it's telepathy, mental talking or verbal kung fu... i just want to be comic against dangerous big baddies again:smallbiggrin:

So I pledge you, wise sages of the Playground, how can a miserable servitor of you regain the ability to communicate with his partners?

[Sith_Happens]

Flexible rubber shell with internal mechanics. Prosthetic tongue, QED.

[Dalebert]

Heads up, dood. Your DM is a douche-nozzle. He didn't like your character so he used his deus ex machina powers to transform him into a different character that he likes but that doesn't fit your image of him anymore. And it wasn't even a case of nerfing a too-powerful character. He just didn't like your personality.

Like I said--douche nozzle.

[Spore]

Ever since my DM cut off my rogue's fingers and multiple people just advised me to drop the character. I did and it worked out for me. Have a talk with your DM. Having steel grafts is a nice thing but if you dislike the style of play I advise to reroll.

Also I heavily dislike the notion of being punished for roleplaying. If your character is sarcastic, only a truly evil guy would even consider mutilating him for that. Didn't the group have anything to say in that? I got a fair trial at least.

I HATE having a mutilated character and I am currently fighting myself not being angry at your dm.

[souridealist]

Learn sign language, maybe? One rank in Speak Language and you're good. Of course, I don't know how many people will speak sign language, so that might be an issue.

Alternately, you could try to find, custom-order, or (possibly) get a party member to craft you a wondrous item that would fix this. Probably something based around Tongues or Speak Language?

If all else fails, there's always the ability (Ex) Mundane Expressive Single Digit...

(Also, if your DM stubbornly blocks these and all other suggestions, they're being a jerk, and you're the best judge of whether this is spoiling your fun, but "captured smartass loses a tongue" is a well-used and acknowledged trope, and if you're given ways to restore what you've lost then I think your DM is well within the realms of reasonable behavior.)

[KnotKnormal]

Heads up, dood. Your DM is a douche-nozzle. He didn't like your character so he used his deus ex machina powers to transform him into a different character that he likes but that doesn't fit your image of him anymore. And it wasn't even a case of nerfing a too-powerful character. He just didn't like your personality.

Like I said--douche nozzle.

I totally disagree with you. I personally love character like this, but the PC in my games would realistically find them intolerable. No king in their right mind will put up with being back talked to, and thus the removal of the tongue. The same would go for any BBEG you decide to be a swarmy ass-hat to. I don't mean to discredit you but you should try to understand the type of campaign and the situation leading up to the dismemberment before making general statements like that. sorry

As for your problem I would suggest doing what Sith_Happens suggested and figure out a way to water proof the mechanics to avoid rusting as well as other ware and tare. then suggest your design to an NPC in game. it's good for Roleplay and it presents the idea to the DM in a manner he might be more willing to accept rather then just disregarding it out of game.

[HaikenEdge]

If Eberron materials are allowed, why not get that water elemental graft that goes into your mouth?

[Petrocorus]

Is Psionic available? Because the Restore Extremity power is a lvl 5 Power and so, available for lvl 9 Egoist or Ardent.

Note also, that PAO could transform you into another member of your own race, very similar to you, but who still have his tongue.

Multiclassing into Cleric, while you can't make the verbaol component of spell can be stretchy. You may want to multiclass to Ardent, which are very looking like psionic cleric.

[Asteron]

I totally disagree with you. I personally love character like this, but the PC in my games would realistically find them intolerable. No king in their right mind will put up with being back talked to, and thus the removal of the tongue. The same would go for any BBEG you decide to be a swarmy ass-hat to. I don't mean to discredit you but you should try to understand the type of campaign and the situation leading up to the dismemberment before making general statements like that. sorry.

And to totally disagree with you, it's bad DMing to ruin a character like that without at least talking to the player OoC first. There are a myriad of ways that a king/BBEG could react to that; permanently maiming the character wasn't the only recourse. If the player likes it, go for it, otherwise find another way to roleplay the NPC's displeasure.

[Fouredged Sword]

Get a piston driven voice box installed into your neck. You still lack a tongue and larynx, but they are mostly used to make vowels, You still have your lips for consonants, so a box designed with pistons to block standing frequencies and generate vowels.

You still lack a tongue, but have a cool robot voice in it's place.

Speech works in three sections. The larynx generates a tone. The tongue (and lips) block parts of the standing wave to create sets of resonance patterns. The lips then open and close to create some additional sounds that are non-tonal called consonants.

COOL EXPLANATION! (http://www.basesproduced.com/341/notes/16-Vowels.pdf)

You need some actuator in your mouth to form some sounds, like a T, but those are relatively simple motions that form a seal between the pallet and tongue to build pressure or a create secondary reed (to make R sounds). A one point actuator could preform this.

So, yes, it is possible using steel, and would be a box that replaces the top section of your throat (above the adam's apple) and extend through the bottom of the law into the mouth, allowing the jaw to actuate.

[Oko and Qailee]

And to totally disagree with you, it's bad DMing to ruin a character like that without at least talking to the player OoC first. There are a myriad of ways that a king/BBEG could react to that; permanently maiming the character wasn't the only recourse. If the player likes it, go for it, otherwise find another way to roleplay the NPC's displeasure.

I think sometimes it makes logical sense for bad things to happen without OOC in advance.

Ex. The party had already heard stories of Galifinakis, psychotic lunatic that cuts the tongues off people. The ranger pissed of Galifinakis....

OFC, the DM should make it more than easy enough for the character to be able to fix the damage done. If there is no way to fix the damage then OFC the DM should just never do it ever (unless player is ok with it).

[Fitz10019]

What if your new prosthetic fingers could form letters? Then you could communicate in words of 10 letters or less.

[Asteron]

I think sometimes it makes logical sense for bad things to happen without OOC in advance.

Ex. The party had already heard stories of Galifinakis, psychotic lunatic that cuts the tongues off people. The ranger pissed of Galifinakis....

OFC, the DM should make it more than easy enough for the character to be able to fix the damage done. If there is no way to fix the damage then OFC the DM should just never do it ever (unless player is ok with it).

It's still a bit much to just toss that in a campaign.

If the DM makes it fun and flavorful for him to get the ability to speak back, then it can turn out ok. Otherwise it's just, "I don't like the way your character talks, now he can't..." Which is just bad.

I did like Fouredged's method. You can wear a collar that covers your mouth too and look like Darth Malgus...

[Fouredged Sword]

The "And you can never have it back, so save!" part is the bad DM bit. Unless that is open and upfront, it should be avoided.

Having an NPC cut out your tongue is fine. That can be awesome in game.

[Mithril Rhino]

I... can't... handle... all this... hate
Just kidding, but only because there have been so much debate about if my DM is a total douche or not i'll try to explain a few concepts that, while weren't necessary to ask help, will help explain his reaction to my epic roll for smart-assery
(Behold and prepare for thy long post!)

1)We are playing what could be called a "hardcore mode" campaign. This means healing magic/meanings are scarce, allies are the same when we are out of our zone of comfort and bad things happen when we fail. We are more or less ok with this, is fun to play against the odds and rewarding to beating the dust out of the baddies when they have the upper hand.

2) My previously slain character also was pretty much an smart-ass, and also lost a limb, but those things aren't related in-between. I say it just to explain you that i'm used to both being an smart-ass (The one before was a cynical guy who hunts devils... call it anti-madness mechanism) and being mutilated (That time i was an archer, so the lost of an arm hurt but i got a fancy steampunk arm with a light repeating crossbow hidden in the forearm, so it was a lose-win)

3) We are devil/demon hunters,we were infiltrating a city to find out who was the bandit who summoned a devil. I got caught for "killing my paladin friend" but that was a parade to put the blame on me while getting info about our hunter's order. So i was captured and watched with fear as the "guard captain" turned out to be the bandit camouflaged. He began to torture me and ask me why i had killed him and because i wasn't guilty i acted stoically smart-ass to gain time for my allies. The last surprise here is that the bandit was famous for something: Mutilating his victims. I didn't know that before, so maybe was my fault to being overly dumb.

4)My style of fighting is that of a greatsword and an armored gauntlet and it's highly possible that he will let me use the gauntlet as a prosthetic and another equally enchanted prosthetic in the other hand. The foot are other story, but i'll be able to enchant them too (Did anybody said integrated flying boots?:smallbiggrin:). So because of this the hands and feet are only a temporal impediment more than a total overkill

5)I partially agree about the steampunk-ish tongue being shenanigans and there are ways to circunvent that and i'm even excited about the chance of roleplaying some dark and stormy mood mute character... i just wanted ideas to communicate at least with mates for tactical and danger reasons (A mute scout is an useless scout unless he is very witty. And you all indeed are :smallwink:)

After clarifying why my DM punished my poor poor Raziel, i think that the options that match me the most of the ones you said are probably Fouredged Sword's Optimus Prime voice box (I shall call it from now on) and souridealist's sign language idea (Been a long time waiting the chance to learn drow cool as ice sign language

Thanks a lot to all for your responses!!!:smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbigg rin:

EDIT: Just realised this may create more polemic my previous character suffered a Symbol of Pain in da face for being a smart-ass against a Necromancer with bad humor. And about the arm... did you know there is an official demon from gods know which book that is expert at dismembering people? I lost my arm but i totally weren't the worst in that combat. The other player got his minotaur barbarian killed while trying to save me... and i even leveld up that time hehe

[Harlot]

How about dying and getting reincarnated = new body?
Then buy wish/miracle from some epic wiz and return to your original form.
Or hell, just use wish to get the tongue back in the first place.

On communicating: Whistle in morse-code (its steampunk, so they have morse.) Or: Write notes om small, portable blackboard.

[Oko and Qailee]

It's still a bit much to just toss that in a campaign.

If the DM makes it fun and flavorful for him to get the ability to speak back, then it can turn out ok. Otherwise it's just, "I don't like the way your character talks, now he can't..." Which is just bad.

I did like Fouredged's method. You can wear a collar that covers your mouth too and look like Darth Malgus...

Oh no absolutely.

IMO what matters in a lot of cases is how a DM does something and how much it limits players. If regrowing the tongue is as easy as removing a cursed collar, well then the only difference is flavor.

I wouldn't do to the OP what the DM did, because it's permanently limiting a character.

[Spore]

How common is arcane magic?

Could you just get a custom version of permanent message for your character? By RAW impossible but I could dig the fluff behind a scout actually being able to communicate telepathically.

Or you get an item with x uses per day. So you can try and come up with ways to communicate without using the item but if danger is at hand you can do that via item instead. And the cool thing? This should be cheap considering we're talking cantrips here.

[Artillery]

I... can't... handle... all this... hate
Just kidding, but only because there have been so much debate about if my DM is a total douche or not i'll try to explain a few concepts that, while weren't necessary to ask help, will help explain his reaction to my epic roll for smart-assery
(Behold and prepare for thy long post!)

1)We are playing what could be called a "hardcore mode" campaign. This means healing magic/meanings are scarce, allies are the same when we are out of our zone of comfort and bad things happen when we fail. We are more or less ok with this, is fun to play against the odds and rewarding to beating the dust out of the baddies when they have the upper hand.

2) My previously slain character also was pretty much an smart-ass, and also lost a limb, but those things aren't related in-between. I say it just to explain you that i'm used to both being an smart-ass (The one before was a cynical guy who hunts devils... call it anti-madness mechanism) and being mutilated (That time i was an archer, so the lost of an arm hurt but i got a fancy steampunk arm with a light repeating crossbow hidden in the forearm, so it was a lose-win)

3) We are devil/demon hunters,we were infiltrating a city to find out who was the bandit who summoned a devil. I got caught for "killing my paladin friend" but that was a parade to put the blame on me while getting info about our hunter's order. So i was captured and watched with fear as the "guard captain" turned out to be the bandit camouflaged. He began to torture me and ask me why i had killed him and because i wasn't guilty i acted stoically smart-ass to gain time for my allies. The last surprise here is that the bandit was famous for something: Mutilating his victims. I didn't know that before, so maybe was my fault to being overly dumb.

4)My style of fighting is that of a greatsword and an armored gauntlet and it's highly possible that he will let me use the gauntlet as a prosthetic and another equally enchanted prosthetic in the other hand. The foot are other story, but i'll be able to enchant them too (Did anybody said integrated flying boots?:smallbiggrin:). So because of this the hands and feet are only a temporal impediment more than a total overkill

5)I partially agree about the steampunk-ish tongue being shenanigans and there are ways to circunvent that and i'm even excited about the chance of roleplaying some dark and stormy mood mute character... i just wanted ideas to communicate at least with mates for tactical and danger reasons (A mute scout is an useless scout unless he is very witty. And you all indeed are :smallwink:)

After clarifying why my DM punished my poor poor Raziel, i think that the options that match me the most of the ones you said are probably Fouredged Sword's Optimus Prime voice box (I shall call it from now on) and souridealist's sign language idea (Been a long time waiting the chance to learn drow cool as ice sign language

Thanks a lot to all for your responses!!!:smallbiggrin::smallbiggrin::smallbigg rin:

EDIT: Just realised this may create more polemic my previous character suffered a Symbol of Pain in da face for being a smart-ass against a Necromancer with bad humor. And about the arm... did you know there is an official demon from gods know which book that is expert at dismembering people? I lost my arm but i totally weren't the worst in that combat. The other player got his minotaur barbarian killed while trying to save me... and i even leveld up that time hehe

You already use a guantlet? Why not get the Mighty Arms graft and then a Battlefist? You have robot arms. You get a +1 Guantlet that does 1d8 dmg bludgeoning and piercing. You also get a natural slam attack that does 1d8 dmg.

If you had any manifester levels I would have recommended getting a Psicrystal, they get 30ft telepathy at ml 6. So you could have it repeat messages. Psicrystals are great.

Alter self into yourself with a tongue again? Custom magic item of continous Alter self would be 12000gp.

[Mithril Rhino]

How common is arcane magic?

Could you just get a custom version of permanent message for your character? By RAW impossible but I could dig the fluff behind a scout actually being able to communicate telepathically.

Or you get an item with x uses per day. So you can try and come up with ways to communicate without using the item but if danger is at hand you can do that via item instead. And the cool thing? This should be cheap considering we're talking cantrips here.

Items are expensive, but viable... Wow... permanent or at will Message item... I can view it...
http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120127020730/starwars/images/0/04/MalgusHS-Render.jpg
Or like this...
http://www.roastbrief.com.mx/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Darth-Vader-4.jpg


You already use a guantlet? Why not get the Mighty Arms graft and then a Battlefist? You have robot arms. You get a +1 Guantlet that does 1d8 dmg bludgeoning and piercing. You also get a natural slam attack that does 1d8 dmg.

The gauntlet is already +1 Evil Outsider Bane... and Cold Iron, but i may swap it. By the way the restoring of hands and feet is free (My boss pays it hehe) so it may be the same. Anyway i'll give it a look

I'll try to talk my way through it and if I get it i'll post a pick of my char with it (Already made a drawing of his face, just need to update it:smallbiggrin:)

[SowZ]

And to totally disagree with you, it's bad DMing to ruin a character like that without at least talking to the player OoC first. There are a myriad of ways that a king/BBEG could react to that; permanently maiming the character wasn't the only recourse. If the player likes it, go for it, otherwise find another way to roleplay the NPC's displeasure.

There's totally different play styles, though. One gives the players no more control than their PC and avoiding death, injury, etc. requires purely in game actions. The other has more meta-game story control given to the players where you would talk to the PC. Neither is bad DMing, They are different styles with different advantages.

[Spore]

The gauntlet is already +1 Evil Outsider Bane... and Cold Iron, but i may swap it. By the way the restoring of hands and feet is free (My boss pays it hehe)

If your boss stands for that he WILL accept anything that restores your ability to speak. You may have to run errands but failing communication endangers entire missions (esp. if you were the scout).

[Asteron]

There's totally different play styles, though. One gives the players no more control than their PC and avoiding death, injury, etc. requires purely in game actions. The other has more meta-game story control given to the players where you would talk to the PC. Neither is bad DMing, They are different styles with different advantages.

No, it is. It's more than just "well I'd hate it if it happened to me..." It's about removing a character's ability to interact with the world. Now, unless he makes some way for the character to be able to speak again, he is severely handicapped in just about every social scenario. Unless it's just one big dungeon crawl, that gets boring pretty fast. If he provides a way to fix it in some manner, then it's a different issue. That's where the crux of the situation lies, as I clarified in another post.

As the OP later explained, though, this stuff happens all the time, and therefore isn't as bothersome. This DM clearly has a dismemberment fetish:smalleek:!!

Edit:^ That was meant tongue-in-cheek...

[Spore]

This DM clearly has a dismemberment fetish:smalleek:!!

Talk about DM power fantasies. :smallfrown:

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Q4kpVgMaPhQ/TniOPUc9FWI/AAAAAAAABWw/9Nq1hWFuzqw/s1600/evil%252Bdungeon%252Bmaster%252B3.jpeg

[HaikenEdge]

Edit:^ That was meant tongue-in-cheek...

Was the tongue seasoned and spiced? :smallbiggrin:

[Fouredged Sword]

Another option, though one with possible side effects, is to get an intelligent item that can communicate telepathically. Have it built as part of your arms.

You should be able to maybe talk your DM into Greater Mighty Wallop as a greater power, and turn that gauntlet into a talking fist of monster mashing that you (and everyone else) can talk to without speaking! When sneaking you can talk without making noise.

Just make sure the goals of the fist align with your own.

[Mithril Rhino]

Fouredged sword: Since you started talking, a few comments above, about the (still to be patented) Optimus Prime Voice Amulet you aren't failing me.
Just so you know the name of this char is Raziel. His nickname is "the Fist"
So heck yeah, a talking fist of pure awesome could be great.
I just hope my DM at least let me do one of these things...
Since we and our friends watched Gurren Lagann he ain't letting me believe in the him who believes in me :smallbiggrin:

[Spore]

Just make sure the goals of the fist align with your own.

Or don't! That's part of the fun of sentient items, isn't it?

[Asteron]

Just make sure the goals of the fist align with your own.

It would be funny if the didnt!

A stranger walks up... "Sir, why are you hitting yourself?"


Was the tongue seasoned and spiced?

Wasn't even thinking of it that way, but that makes it so much funnier...

[Artillery]

Another option, though one with possible side effects, is to get an intelligent item that can communicate telepathically. Have it built as part of your arms.

You should be able to maybe talk your DM into Greater Mighty Wallop as a greater power, and turn that gauntlet into a talking fist of monster mashing that you (and everyone else) can talk to without speaking! When sneaking you can talk without making noise.

Just make sure the goals of the fist align with your own.

So what your saying is that he talks with his fists? Sounds shounen enough, lets do it.

[Yomega]

My 2 cents (and considering in Canada we have phased out the penny).
Perform (Pantomime) or Perform (Interpretive Dance)

:trollface:

[Mithril Rhino]

This thing about the talking fist... smart-asser than the smart-ass fist-wielder is even fluff according to my character!
The religion i follow is one custom made by the paladin of the group.
Do you know one of the ways they pray? Punching people's faces.

A stranger walks next to you.
"Hi, i'm looking for the devil hunt-"
Fists:"Sir, may I offer you a prayer?" SMASH!

Oh, and please, don't mention going around town trying to look badass with a board hanging from my throat. My name is Raziel. They all are big simpsons fans.. I don't want to be Ralphziel, the "Special" devil hunter. :smallannoyed:

[nedz]

If you were a caster then I would say: just dip Mindbender for 100' telepathy.

I suppose you could do it, just dip one level in one of these: Bard, Hexblade, Sha'ir, Urban Druid, Jester, Wu Jen, Beguiler, Fatemaker, Knight of the Weave, Wizard, Sorcerer, Merchant Prince, Temptation, Elysium, Charm, Lust, Renewal or Initiate of tiamat
Acquire the following skills: Bluff 4, Diplomacy 4, Intimidate 4 and Sense Motive 4
And get yourself Arcane caster level 5 (Practiced spellcaster).

But it's a lot of resources

Now we do occasionally get threads asking "What is the point of the Regenerate Spell ?", and in most games it's not required. However it's what you need. Just find yourself a level 7 Cleric (or level 9 Druid).

In the meantime: have fun making lots of unintelligible comments; this alone might enable you to get this fixed :smallcool:

[Particle_Man]

This is making me think of the Avenging Executioner prestige class. I think the example character had his tongue cut out too.

In literature there is Jaime Lannister's sparring partner, I suppose. ;)

[Zweisteine]

The Eberron Campaign Setting has a symbiont that is basically a tongue-worm. It will sit in your throat, and be a tongue. That should let you talk. It probably also does 1 constitution damage every day (i.e. as much as you heal in a day), but it also gives you a tonuge attack that can deliver touch spells.

But this sounds like a really mean move on the part of your DM. Seriously.

You're sure you can't just cast regeneration to fix it?

I know you don't want to multiclass, but two levels of Totemist isn't that bad on a ranger, and can get you telepathy, which allows you to take Mindsight as well.


Die and have your body destroyed. Be raised by either True Resurrection or Reincarnate.

Take the Troll-Blooded feat, if you can, and find a way to be immune to fatigue.

[Magesmiley]

How about a raven familiar (or an improved familiar that can speak) that can talk for you?

[Jack_Simth]

Well, there's a simple solution that only costs 1,800 gp (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/magicItems/cursedItems.htm#medallionofThoughtProjection), and it's Core!

Edit: In case it wasn't clear, it's the last sentence of the item you want to focus on, and as a bonus, it gives you a specific reason why the character can never, ever 'hold his tongue' so to speak.

[Spore]

Well, there's a simple solution that only costs 1,800 gp (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/magicItems/cursedItems.htm#medallionofThoughtProjection), and it's Core!

Edit: In case it wasn't clear, it's the last sentence of the item you want to focus on, and as a bonus, it gives you a specific reason why the character can never, ever 'hold his tongue' so to speak.

Bloody brilliant!

[rmnimoc]

Getting a graft would work too. For extra fun I suggest getting a tongue graft from a creature with a tongue attack, and now you have a secret weapon in reserve. Plus, there is something poetic about making the tongue of a sarcastic character a lethal weapon.

[Maginomicon]

I'm 2nding-3rding psionics. Go Telepathic and come back against the guy with the vengeance of a thousand fangirls.

[Splynn]

I have a solution that's a lot easier and actually sort of hilarious.

http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/tongues.htm

Just gets Tongues cast on your character, and make it permanent. Note that nowhere in that spell description does it say you have to be able to speak prior to the spell being cast for it to work.

And now, your character can be a smart-ass in every language there is... all the time. It'd be a cool way to turn the problem around and make it a really defining feature.

[KnotKnormal]

No, it is. It's more than just "well I'd hate it if it happened to me..." It's about removing a character's ability to interact with the world. Now, unless he makes some way for the character to be able to speak again, he is severely handicapped in just about every social scenario. Unless it's just one big dungeon crawl, that gets boring pretty fast. If he provides a way to fix it in some manner, then it's a different issue. That's where the crux of the situation lies, as I clarified in another post.

I disagree with the handicapping part of this. there are thousands of other ways to communicate in D&D. I once had a character who chose not to speak, and he quickly became the face of the part with a few low level spells and the use of body language. he was also a scout and provided us with some of the best information of the game all without ever saying a word. It's a matter of the player now being forced to think outside the box, leave his comfort zone, and delve into the dark reaches of their imagination.

I see absolutely nothing with what the DM has done. The problem that is at hand rests solely on the player for being a smart ass to powerful NPCs who acted accordingly. This being said I think the PC also had done nothing wrong, he sacrificed his body to help his allies. It ended more poorly then he wanted but he aided in completing the goal a great deal.

I personally think a good DM is one who can avoid the over the table meta-game conversation of "can i do this?" or "will this work?" and handles all those conversations in game with the any number of the NPCs available. it aids in the immersion of the players and makes a much more enjoyable campaign. There should be no meta-game conversations with the DM unless it relates to a roll of dice, or catch up of a missed session. And before you criticize my opinions first find a DM who can do this well, and you will understand why I say what i do.

[KnotKnormal]

I have a solution that's a lot easier and actually sort of hilarious.

http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/tongues.htm

Just gets Tongues cast on your character, and make it permanent. Note that nowhere in that spell description does it say you have to be able to speak prior to the spell being cast for it to work.

And now, your character can be a smart-ass in every language there is... all the time. It'd be a cool way to turn the problem around and make it a really defining feature.

or use comprehend language (tongueless babble) on an ally