Caring for infants with an all-male party?

[CrazyYanmega]

Last night our party ended up rescuing a baby who was intended to be sacrificed. Unfortunately, we have no baby formula, our entire party is male, and my druid cannot summon a cow. What is the best way to get some food to this baby? There are no stores in sight, and we don't know when we will next meet up with civilization.

Please help me. I've grown quite attached to the little bugger.

[Snowbluff]

Cast good berry, squeeze the berries for juice?

A ring of sustenance would work.

For posterity, most humanoid females don't lactate all the time. Having one wouldn't really help.

[Flickerdart]

Polymorph the baby into something with teeth, then feed it before the effect expires. Alternatively, Create Food and Water.

[Knaight]

Polymorph the baby into something with teeth, then feed it before the effect expires. Alternatively, Create Food and Water.

Create Food and Water seems pretty solid in general. Assuming a 5th level cleric (lowest level to cast the spell) it creates bland and nutritious food for 15 people. Given that infants usually get to eat bland food anyways, and eat less than adults, this could easily be a month worth of food. It does take a daily Purify Food and Drink to keep it good, but that's a level 0 spell anyways.

[Dawgmoah]

Last night our party ended up rescuing a baby who was intended to be sacrificed. Unfortunately, we have no baby formula, our entire party is male, and my druid cannot summon a cow. What is the best way to get some food to this baby? There are no stores in sight, and we don't know when we will next meet up with civilization.

You don't mention an age so I'll guess this is no newborn? Maybe 3 to 6 months old?

Even if it is a newborn your party could fortify water with berry juices or other plant matter. And if there is any lactating mammal around that will keep the kid alive; it doesn't have to be milk from a cow. And that depends on the time of year.

Infants as young as 2 months can be fed a watery cereal mixture (flour and water) in a pinch. Not the best thing for the infant but will keep it alive.

[Coidzor]

How old of a baby? If you can rig up a wossname(nipple-bottle-feedy-thing (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BuffySpeak)), create food and water's nutritive sludge(or maybe I'm thinking of that one spoon, but it seems like you can create simple porridge or even broth or something that starts off as basically liquid nutrients with the spell) mixed with enough water should approximate formula and then use prestidigitation to make it taste like whatever species lactation your spellcaster knows how to approximate.

Alternatively, if it's old enough you can probably just dilute the nutritive sludge and spoon it to them. Or do that thing where you turn them into something that can eat.

Or you can smack the DM for giving you a baby and trying to make you watch it starve. Granted, it's probably a DEMON (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showpost.php?p=9581603&postcount=559) BABY (http://youtu.be/9kZsqrdpTH0?t=22s), so feeding it blood is probably perfectly fine.

[Bakeru]

Goodberries seem the easiest way. Since they're equal to "a normal meal for a Medium creature" in nutrition, there shouldn't be any problems with nourishment.
And besides, they're berries - even a baby can swallow them, and as soft as berries usually are, chewing them won't be an issue.

[mephnick]

Yeah, how old is it. My niece was eating solid food (in very small pieces) at like 5 months.

[(Un)Inspired]

Can't some men lactate? Have your DM roll to see if any of you can produce enough breast milk to suckle the unfortunate lad.

[mephnick]

Also, way to strengthen the gender-normative stereotype that men cannot be caretakers of infants.:smallmad:

[Rubik]

Can't some men lactate? Have your DM roll to see if any if you can produce enough breast milk to suckle the unfortunate lad.http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BodyHorror

[(Un)Inspired]

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BodyHorror

Hahaha I thought you'd like my idea.

Still it could work.

[Lord Vukodlak]

Goodberries seems like the best option


A ring of sustenance would work.
No it wouldn't aside from taking a week to work the kid might pull the ring off and ironically swallow it.

[Hamste]

Goodberries seems like the best option


No it wouldn't aside from taking a week to work the kid might pull the ring off and ironically swallow it.

Imagine a baby that sleep 2 hours a night...now imagine how much you will sleep a night.

[truemane]

You need a wet-nurse!

It's perfectly natural, and perfectly normal. You find yourself a civilization centre of some kind and you find a woman who's lactating, and you ask (pay/whatever) her to nurse the kid for you. Happened all the time in the good ole days. Still does in lots of places.

If you don't like that option, I'd suggest using some manner of summoning spell to summon a wet nurse. For some reason, I find that option mildly disturbing, but that's probably just me.

But wet-nurse. Get one.

[Rubik]

No it wouldn't aside from taking a week to work the kid might pull the ring off and ironically swallow it.Make it a cursed ring so it can't be removed? In the intervening week, try feeding the babe them thar goodberries. Maybe boiled down with some oats into a nutritious gruel. Just make sure it's no more than lukewarm before you spoon feed it to him.


Imagine a baby that sleep 2 hours a night...now imagine how much you will sleep a night.Oh dear gods. You're right!

I suppose it could work if your party has a warforged or necropolitan, though. Hollow out his innards and turn him into an extradimensional playpen, maybe?

[Sian]

its only a question of puree'ing stuff into mash ... kids (no matter if its humans or animals or, i'd except, fantasy races) can eat the same as parents would if its prepared properly into something easy enough for them to eat

[Rubik]

its only a question of puree'ing stuff into mash ... kids (no matter if its humans or animals or, i'd except, fantasy races) can eat the same as parents would if its prepared properly into something easy enough for them to eatThere are definite exceptions. Babies have extremely sensitive digestive tracts, which means no spicy stuff, and they're nowhere near as efficient or powerful (as they're limited on things like stomach acid production), so the food needs to be easily digestible and easily absorbable. The general theory is sound, but there's a lot that an adult can process just fine that small children can't.

[Vhaidara]

This thread has a certain cruel beauty.

Are there any druids, rangers, paladins, or, in a real pinch, wizards or sorcerers? Get the familiar, animal companion, or special mount pregnant (a lot of animals have much shorter gestation periods than humans), and have it nurse the kid.

Or use a summoning spell and grab yourself a milk cow. I'd say that's SM/SNA 2 at the highest.

Wait...SM to get a Celestial or Fiendish Cow, then open a nursery where parents bring the kid to nurse from a Celestial or Fiendish cow. You have just recreated the Chao Garden from Sonic Adventure 2.

[Alent]

Last night our party ended up rescuing a baby who was intended to be sacrificed. Unfortunately, we have no baby formula, our entire party is male, and my druid cannot summon a cow. What is the best way to get some food to this baby? There are no stores in sight, and we don't know when we will next meet up with civilization.

Please help me. I've grown quite attached to the little bugger.

Summon Nature's Ally 1 summons wolves.

It was good enough for Romulus and Remus.

[lytokk]

Gonna go ahead and put down another vote for goodberry. Crushed up and made into a juice should take care of things for the time being, until you can get someplace to find someone to take care of the baby for you.

The lack of sleep may be a big concern as far as travelling goes, as would random crying if for some reason you have to go dungeon delving while still taking care of the kid.

[Talderas]

Summon Nature's Ally 1 summons wolves.

It was good enough for Romulus and Remus.

I approve of this solution.

[Telonius]

Don't worry about it until you reach civilization. Starvation only does nonlethal damage, anyway. :sabine:

[Sith_Happens]

Can't some men lactate?

IIRC most can, the prepwork just takes too long to be useful in this case.

[Gemini476]

I must say that Dungeons and Dragons: Three Men and a Baby Edition is pretty funny.
Good on you, OP. Mash those goodberries.

[Lord Vukodlak]

Make it a cursed ring so it can't be removed?

To make that kind of custom magic item they'd need to reach civilization so they could buy the raw materials at which point they can find drop the infant off at a temple or something.

[Rubik]

To make that kind of custom magic item they'd need to reach civilization so they could buy the raw materials at which point they can find drop the infant off at a temple or something.Well, if they're of a level to do so, Bestow Curse could potentially force the baby to be unable to pry the ring off his hand.

[Coidzor]

Well, if they're of a level to do so, Bestow Curse could potentially force the baby to be unable to pry the ring off his hand.

Or turn the baby into a... child? teenager? toddler?

Granted, this may be a very, very bad idea...

[Aolbain]

Well, if they're of a level to do so, Bestow Curse could potentially force the baby to be unable to pry the ring off his hand.

Generally, any plan that involves "curse the baby" should properly be reconsidered.

[Rubik]

Generally, any plan that involves "curse the baby" should properly be reconsidered.Babies are pretty well cursed as it is. I doubt it'll get much worse than that.

[Alent]

Babies are pretty well cursed as it is. I doubt it'll get much worse than that.

I would be curious if the DM rules that you still have to diaper change a baby being fed by a cursed ring of sustenance.

[Rubik]

I would be curious if the DM rules that you still have to diaper change a baby being fed by a cursed ring of sustenance.I vote "NO."

[Chronos]

Historically, one solution to this problem was to soak a rag in sugar-water and let the baby suck on that. It's far from ideal, of course, but it'll keep the kid alive until you can reach civilization.

Given that goodberries are magically nutritious, I'd have to expect that they'd work at least as well as a sugar-rag, and probably significantly better.

[Kelb_Panthera]

All I can really think to say is that reading this thread has convinced me that adventurers should not partake in child care before retirement.

Good gods, man. Curses, transmutations, somebody suggested hollowing out an undead creature for a play-pen. Could you imagine the damage this kind of stuff would do to a small child's psyche if it continued for longer than just a few days?


................ I have a new BBEG. He was raised by active adventurers using many of the previously made suggestions. His mind has been irrevocably warped by being in near constant danger since before he could walk and has been subjected to all of the weird magics that adventurers are regularly subjected too. He was even killed and raised more than once as a child.

[Telonius]

All I can really think to say is that reading this thread has convinced me that adventurers should not partake in child care before retirement.

Good gods, man. Curses, transmutations, somebody suggested hollowing out an undead creature for a play-pen. Could you imagine the damage this kind of stuff would do to a small child's psyche if it continued for longer than just a few days?


................ I have a new BBEG. He was raised by active adventurers using many of the previously made suggestions. His mind has been irrevocably warped by being in near constant danger since before he could walk and has been subjected to all of the weird magics that adventurers are regularly subjected too. He was even killed and raised more than once as a child.

While the heroes are the ones who were dropped off somewhere.

In fact, where they got dropped off determines their class. Paladins and Clerics were dropped off at the local temple; Druids and Rangers, raised by wolves and whatnot; Monks, at the monastery; Rogues, at the orphanage. Fighters were the kids that were old enough to get away on their own when their village was being burned down.

[HaikenEdge]

................ I have a new BBEG. He was raised by active adventurers using many of the previously made suggestions. His mind has been irrevocably warped by being in near constant danger since before he could walk and has been subjected to all of the weird magics that adventurers are regularly subjected too. He was even killed and raised more than once as a child.

Would that even work? If I recall correctly, according to the DMG, most NPCs don't even have levels.

[Rubik]

All I can really think to say is that reading this thread has convinced me that adventurers should not partake in child care before retirement.

Good gods, man. Curses, transmutations, somebody suggested hollowing out an undead creature for a play-pen. Could you imagine the damage this kind of stuff would do to a small child's psyche if it continued for longer than just a few days?


................ I have a new BBEG. He was raised by active adventurers using many of the previously made suggestions. His mind has been irrevocably warped by being in near constant danger since before he could walk and has been subjected to all of the weird magics that adventurers are regularly subjected too. He was even killed and raised more than once as a child.On the bright side, the kid probably hit level 20 before his second birthday.

[Coidzor]

Babies are pretty well cursed as it is. I doubt it'll get much worse than that.

True That. (http://www.sluggy.com/comics/archives/daily/080421)


All I can really think to say is that reading this thread has convinced me that adventurers should not partake in child care before retirement.

Good gods, man. Curses, transmutations, somebody suggested hollowing out an undead creature for a play-pen. Could you imagine the damage this kind of stuff would do to a small child's psyche if it continued for longer than just a few days?


................ I have a new BBEG. He was raised by active adventurers using many of the previously made suggestions. His mind has been irrevocably warped by being in near constant danger since before he could walk and has been subjected to all of the weird magics that adventurers are regularly subjected too. He was even killed and raised more than once as a child.

I have only one thing to say to that, "GO TEAM VENTURE! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZVYc2RJ1KY)"

Although... speaking (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obNTJTByrF4)of (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMMwq2AMgoY)BBEGs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_ylSxGVyng)...

[Alent]

On the bright side, the kid probably hit level 20 before his second birthday.

"It was horrific, they made me a level 20 commoner. I wasn't even old enough to choose my own feats. But I got even, oh yes I did. my "Aunt" made the mistake of introducing me to a psion who knew psionic reformation, and one of his friends taught me to dark chaos shuffle... and that made all the difference."

[Kelb_Panthera]

True That. (http://www.sluggy.com/comics/archives/daily/080421)



I have only one thing to say to that, "GO TEAM VENTURE! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZVYc2RJ1KY)"

Although... speaking (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obNTJTByrF4)of (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMMwq2AMgoY)BBEGs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_ylSxGVyng)...

I didn't click either of the latter links, my desktop doesn't get along well with youtube, but the reference to the Venture Bros. made me laugh hard enough I couldn't explain what was so funny to my wife before she lost interest.

[Knaight]

Would that even work? If I recall correctly, according to the DMG, most NPCs don't even have levels.

Level 1 characters come back with 2 lower constitution.

[HaikenEdge]

Level 1 characters come back with 2 lower constitution.

Again, the DMG states most NPCs most NPCs don't even have levels, ie, are Level 0.

[Gemini476]

Again, the DMG states most NPCs most NPCs don't even have levels, ie, are Level 0.

...I'm fairly certain that zeroth level was only a thing in older editions; Level 1 Commoner is the default now.

[Coidzor]

Again, the DMG states most NPCs most NPCs don't even have levels, ie, are Level 0.

Aside from the baby being a specific case, my recollection is that it's mostly just that most NPCs are simply not statted at all.

Or maybe most NPCs are children and babbies?

[HaikenEdge]

...I'm fairly certain that zeroth level was only a thing in older editions; Level 1 Commoner is the default now.

Huh, I thought I read that out of the 3.5 DMG, but I can't find the entry now, so maybe it was from the 3.0 DMG. My fault.

However, what would be the Con score of a baby human?

[Coidzor]

Huh, I thought I read that out of the 3.5 DMG, but I can't find the entry now, so maybe it was from the 3.0 DMG. My fault.

However, what would be the Con score of a baby human?

Not too great is the general consensus as I recall. :/

[Knaight]

However, what would be the Con score of a baby human?

There are no stats. Odds are good it won't be high though - though it's a stat that could conceivably be decent, where Strength has no business being that way.

[12owlbears]

Teleport the baby to some where safe and far away from an adventurers.

[Isamu Dyson]

Summon a celestial female.

[HaikenEdge]

Summon a celestial female.

Or an fiendish one, if your party is so inclined.

[Isamu Dyson]

Or an fiendish one, if your party is so inclined.

You'd have to do some sweet-talking, and I would honestly be leery of feeding an infant hellish breast milk (tieflings get a pass, because they are mostly human).

[HaikenEdge]

You'd have to do some sweet-talking, and I would honestly be leery of feeding an infant hellish breast milk (tieflings get a pass, because they are mostly human).

Unless you wanted an RP reason why the child grew up to have the fiendish template (or something like that), for, say, when you want to play as that child after said child grows up.

[rmnimoc]

The obvious solution is to start a cult that worships the baby. Once the baby has Divine rank 0 it doesn't need to eat anymore.

Other ideas include:

Sell the babies soul to the abyss in exchange for a succubus to nurse the baby.
Cast "Bite of the Wolf" on the baby so it has teeth and can eat.
PAO/shapechange/wildshape yourself into a cow/nursing woman.
Magic fang the baby (probably won't actually work)
Shadow conjure a cow.
Use miracle to make the baby take care of itself (using the "very powerful request" form)
Lesser planar ally/binding something that can feed it.
Gate in a Balor and use it's wish ability to feed it.
Kill it and use reincarnate so it stops being a baby
Cast "Awaken" on the baby so it becomes a magical beast able to feed itself with 3d6 int.
Have the baby drink the "nectar like beverage" from heroes' feast.
Create food and water specifies "The food that this spell creates is simple fare of your choice—highly nourishing, if rather bland." That seems to imply that if you want baby food style food, you get it.

Put it in a stasis of some sort until you find someone who can feed it. Ways to deal with it later include:
Killing it and rezzing it.
Covering the baby in quintessence.
Casting "Temporal Stasis" on the baby.
Flesh to Stone.
Casting "Imprisonment"
Leaving it on the NE plane for a bit.

[Rubik]

Time for a quick Flesh to Stone spell. Stow it in a backpack and cast Stone to Flesh when you get back to town.

[edit] Arcane swordsage'd!

Doesn't the BoVD give Bestow Curse an aging option?

[(Un)Inspired]

Can Alter Self be used to change gender? Probably, right?

Just turn one of yourselves female and let the baby go to town.

[HaikenEdge]

The obvious solution is to start a cult that worships the baby. Once the baby has Divine rank 0 it doesn't need to eat anymore.

Other ideas include:

Sell the babies soul to the abyss in exchange for a succubus to nurse the baby.
Cast "Bite of the Wolf" on the baby so it has teeth and can eat.
PAO/shapechange/wildshape yourself into a cow/nursing woman.
Magic fang the baby (probably won't actually work)
Shadow conjure a cow.
Use miracle to make the baby take care of itself (using the "very powerful request" form)
Lesser planar ally/binding something that can feed it.
Gate in a Balor and use it's wish ability to feed it.
Kill it and use reincarnate so it stops being a baby
Cast "Awaken" on the baby so it becomes a magical beast able to feed itself with 3d6 int.
Have the baby drink the "nectar like beverage" from heroes' feast.
Create food and water specifies "The food that this spell creates is simple fare of your choice—highly nourishing, if rather bland." That seems to imply that if you want baby food style food, you get it.

Put it in a stasis of some sort until you find someone who can feed it. Ways to deal with it later include:
Killing it and rezzing it.
Covering the baby in quintessence.
Casting "Temporal Stasis" on the baby.
Flesh to Stone.
Casting "Imprisonment"
Leaving it on the NE plane for a bit.

While I know they're sarcastic/snarky, a lot of those blue ideas are actually really cool and would be interesting to see in a game, particularly the miracle to make the baby take care of itself.

[ImaDeadMan]

If you have a cleric in the party then have them cast Create Food and Water and mash the food into paste because it says it's bland but nourishing. If you don't have a cleric the ask your DM for this spell as a druid since druid only gets Purify Food and Water while cleric gets both spells.

[Dimers]

You'd have to do some sweet-talking, and I would honestly be leery of feeding an infant hellish breast milk ...

See also: no spicy foods. :smalltongue:

[Invader]

This thread has a certain cruel beauty.

Are there any druids, racials, paladins, or, in a real pinch, wizards or sorcerers? Get the familiar, animal companion, or special mount pregnant (a lot of animals have much shorter gestation periods than humans).


Unless the gestation period in question is 2 days milk doesn't come in the fast for any mammal.

[YossarianLives]

Make it a cursed ring so it can't be removed? In the intervening week, try feeding the babe them thar goodberries. Maybe boiled down with some oats into a nutritious gruel. Just make sure it's no more than lukewarm before you spoon feed it to him.

Oh dear gods. You're right!

I suppose it could work if your party has a warforged or necropolitan, though. Hollow out his innards and turn him into an extradimensional playpen, maybe?

This reminds of something in one of my campaigns two years back.

I was playing a tiny two foot tall kobald sorcerer. And we had a warforge knight as the meat shield. Because we couldn't find a small enough mount for me we got a master craftsmen to make a small living space inside the warforge including bed and small storage area.

Anyway that's a pretty good idea

[CrazyYanmega]

Okay... Wow. You leave an innocuous thread for a few hours...

Anyway, first off the druid is the only spellcaster, and I don't really trust the others with extended supervision of the baby.. I could try summoning a new animal companion to do the job, I suppose. St. Bernards are within the description of Riding Dogs, and are usually people friendly. The Goodberry trick should be easy enough.

... Imma gonna say "no" to the undead playpen, though. We already dragged it through a vampire's den.

I think the baby is an infant. Probably between 2-3 months old.

[herrhauptmann]

Okay... Wow. You leave an innocuous thread for a few hours...

Anyway, first off the druid is the only spellcaster, and I don't really trust the others with extended supervision of the baby.. I could try summoning a new animal companion to do the job, I suppose. St. Bernards are within the description of Riding Dogs, and are usually people friendly. The Goodberry trick should be easy enough.

... Imma gonna say "no" to the undead playpen, though. We already dragged it through a vampire's den.

I think the baby is an infant. Probably between 2-3 months old.
Ever seen "Shoot'em up?" (An hour of action. Some plot. Then another half hour of action.)
That's more than old enough for someone to teach him basic sword/knife safety.

[Coidzor]

Okay... Wow. You leave an innocuous thread for a few hours...

I think the baby is an infant. Probably between 2-3 months old.

:smallwink:

Does anyone have knowledge local? That should be able to get you some more specifics as to what life stage the baby is at.

[Rubik]

:smallwink:

Does anyone have knowledge local? That should be able to get you some more specifics as to what life stage the baby is at.And if they don't have Knowledge (Local), they probably don't even realize that it's a baby or that it's human...

D&D is pretty stupid sometimes.

[Grayson01]

Make it a cursed ring so it can't be removed? In the intervening week, try feeding the babe them thar goodberries. Maybe boiled down with some oats into a nutritious gruel. Just make sure it's no more than lukewarm before you spoon feed it to him.

Oh dear gods. You're right!

I suppose it could work if your party has a warforged or necropolitan, though. Hollow out his innards and turn him into an extradimensional playpen, maybe?

NO warforged needed put the baby in a field alone a medium distance away from you then cast sleep on it! I am sure it has crappy saves and is less then 4HD :-)

Or Summon a Femail Celestial Monkey to act as a wet-nurse!

[Grayson01]

The obvious solution is to start a cult that worships the baby. Once the baby has Divine rank 0 it doesn't need to eat anymore.

Other ideas include:

1 Sell the babies soul to the abyss in exchange for a succubus to nurse the baby.
2 Cast "Bite of the Wolf" on the baby so it has teeth and can eat.
3 PAO/shapechange/wildshape yourself into a cow/nursing woman.
4 Magic fang the baby (probably won't actually work)
5Shadow conjure a cow.
6 Use miracle to make the baby take care of itself (using the "very powerful request" form)
7 Lesser planar ally/binding something that can feed it.
8 Gate in a Balor and use it's wish ability to feed it.
9 Kill it and use reincarnate so it stops being a baby
10 Cast "Awaken" on the baby so it becomes a magical beast able to feed itself with 3d6 int.
11 Have the baby drink the "nectar like beverage" from heroes' feast.
12 Create food and water specifies "The food that this spell creates is simple fare of your choice—highly nourishing, if rather bland." That seems to imply that if you want baby food style food, you get it.

13 Put it in a stasis of some sort until you find someone who can feed it. Ways to deal with it later include:
14 Killing it and rezzing it.
15 Covering the baby in quintessence.
16 Casting "Temporal Stasis" on the baby.
17 Flesh to Stone.
18 Casting "Imprisonment"
19 Leaving it on the NE plane for a bit.

Oh man these are all awesome!

I really like 9, 17, 2, 3,

[shogun37]

Wow...just wow. I have literally laughed myself to tears reading this thread, and have come to the conclusion that none of you should be allowed near a child of ANY age. Bless you all.
.....Seriously, using an undead as a playpen?!:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

[Rubik]

Wow...just wow. I have literally laughed myself to tears reading this thread, and have come to the conclusion that none of you should be allowed near a child of ANY age. Bless you all.
.....Seriously, using an undead as a playpen?!Hey, those ribs are suspiciously similar to playpen prison bars. Plus, it's economical and provides a guardian for the child. If you have to perform a rescue mission, you might as well make it easy on yourself.

The fact that the undead has to swallow the child to get him in there is just a bonus.

[Snowbluff]

Wow...just wow. I have literally laughed myself to tears reading this thread, and have come to the conclusion that none of you should be allowed near a child of ANY age. Bless you all.
.....Seriously, using an undead as a playpen?!:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
Dammit, I haven't done anything but educate people. Now someone is prohibiting things and it's not my fault!

Side note: I'm all for option #1.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Wow...just wow. I have literally laughed myself to tears reading this thread, and have come to the conclusion that none of you should be allowed near a child of ANY age. Bless you all.
.....Seriously, using an undead as a playpen?!:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

Hey! :smallannoyed: I'd like to think my observations, largely similar to your own, wouldn't warrant keeping me away from small children, thank you very much. :smalltongue:


Hey, those ribs are suspiciously similar to playpen prison bars. Plus, it's economical and provides a guardian for the child. If you have to perform a rescue mission, you might as well make it easy on yourself.

The fact that the undead has to swallow the child to get him in there is just a bonus.

I'm not gonna lie. That made me laugh. So much for me being suitable to rear children. :smallamused:

[Drachasor]

You don't need civilization.

Just find any couple living out in the wilderness or any town within a few dozen miles or so.

Wildshape into a stork.

I leave the rest as an exercise for the reader.

[LibraryOgre]

I must say that Dungeons and Dragons: Three Men and a Baby Edition is pretty funny.
Good on you, OP. Mash those goodberries.

Well, it IS edition 3.5. ;-)

However, I'm of the "Goodberry" camp; Summon Nature's Ally wouldn't last long enough unless you're of high enough level that "We're too far from civilization" wouldn't matter ("Go on, baby, you have 30 seconds to nurse starting.... NOW!")

You might also ask your GM if there are any "off book" spells that your cleric or druid can cast that would solve this problem... the kind of thing that a village priest would have use of, but adventurer's generally don't care about. And then point him to Goodberry and say "That, but let it be a cup of water."

[Kelb_Panthera]

Just because nobody's suggested it and my horrible side feels like rearing its head; you could wildshape into a dingo (I'd use the stats for a wolf if there are no dingo stats) and eat the little guy. You'd be getting to the nearest town just in time to recover his..... remains..... and then you could res' him. :belkar:

Don't count on him liking you much afterward. :smalltongue:

[LibraryOgre]

Just because nobody's suggested it and my horrible side feels like rearing its head; you could wildshape into a dingo (I'd use the stats for a wolf if there are no dingo stats) and eat the little guy. You'd be getting to the nearest town just in time to recover his..... remains..... and then you could res' him. :belkar:

Don't count on him liking you much afterward. :smalltongue:

It was so nice there, it didn't occur to him to come when he was called. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0496.html)

[Kelb_Panthera]

It was so nice there, it didn't occur to him to come when he was called. (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0496.html)

Ha! Not quite what I meant but still somewhat amusing.

[Drachasor]

Is milk a Special Quality or Natural Ability? I lean towards the latter. If so, nothing stops one from Wildshaping into a female cow.

That or the stork idea are best, I think. And not just because of my ego!

Edit: Not sure if anyone brought it up, but male lactation is possible in some cases. So maybe you have a suitable member of the party who can handle it.

[(Un)Inspired]

I brought up male lactation! Honestly it's probably your best bet from a nurturing perspective. Just make sure the donor shaves his chest to avoid getting chest hair in the baby's mouth.

[Drachasor]

I brought up male lactation! Honestly it's probably your best bet from a nurturing perspective. Just make sure the donor shaves his chest to avoid getting chest hair in the baby's mouth.

No! Chest hairs make babies grow up STRONG!

[Sian]

However, what would be the Con score of a baby human?

http://www.joeydevilla.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2006/07/d_and_d_baby_shirt.jpg

[Drachasor]

http://www.joeydevilla.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2006/07/d_and_d_baby_shirt.jpg

That AC is wrong.

Ok, Dex 3 is a -4 penalty, sure. That takes 10 to 6.

Then you have the Tiny size which is +2, which moves it to 8.

Babies are always prone, so AC 4 against melee attacks and AC 12 against missile attacks.

Hmm, what do you think its skill point is invested in?

Also, with a Constitution of 4, the most likely HP value is 1 for it. But I guess it has Humanoid racial hit dice, so they could have rolled a 6.

And strength isn't 3. No way that babies can lug around 30 lbs as a heavy load or 10lbs as a light. Strength is 1.

[Malimar]

And strength isn't 3. No way that babies can lug around 30 lbs as a heavy load or 10lbs as a light. Strength is 1.

Max load 15lb. You forgot to halve it for Tiny size. You're still right about it being too much for a baby, though.

EDIT: Are babies quadrupedal? 22lb.

[Drachasor]

Max load 15lb. You forgot to halve it for Tiny size. You're still right about it being too much for a baby, though.

Yes, I did. Thanks.

[Rubik]

That AC is wrong.As is the Cha. It should be a negative value to match RL.

[HaikenEdge]

As is the Cha. It should be a negative value to match RL.

I'm pretty sure it has an EX ability where it's Cha counts as 18 for its own parents.

[Sith_Happens]

No! Chest hairs make babies grow up STRONG!

I have no idea why I'm laughing so hard at this, I just know that I can't stop.


Babies are always prone,

EDIT: Are babies quadrupedal?

Both of these somewhat less so.

Actually, you know what? Let's go ahead and link the "Baleful Polymorph into a Baby?" (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=217505) thread for old time's sake.


I'm pretty sure it has an EX ability where it's Cha counts as 18 for its own parents.

Two words: Unholy Scion.:belkar:

[HaikenEdge]

Two words: Unholy Scion.:belkar:

Now now, not every child can be an unholy scion... unless you want to say that every character ever is really possessed by a demon since birth.

[Frozen_Feet]

And if they don't have Knowledge (Local), they probably don't even realize that it's a baby or that it's human...

D&D is pretty stupid sometimes.

Consider for a moment the possibility that the whole party is made of non-human, indeed, potentially non-organic beings who might've never been witnesses to any sort of birth-giving.

Hey, if real-life humans could once believe rats and insects grew from dirt and stone, I'm willing to believe a group of Warforged (etc.) will just think humans pop-up ready-made from a factory somewhere. :smalltongue:

[Segev]

Planar Binding a succubus should work; I'm pretty sure they have the...requisite capability. Morally, though, that's dubious. It would be interesting to see if she could make her save vs. the infant's innate (ex) Charm ability, though.

PAO the infant into an adult human; it won't last more than a few hours, but that should be plenty long enough to get the young adult to eat and care for himself. PAO gives the Int of the target creature, so it will give the baby average adult human intelligence (10).

Goodberry is probably the best solution for your party, though, given composition and level. Though you've got a Paladin? Technically, this could work for anybody, but it would work particularly well for a Paladin, if he's willing to take the hit from LG to NG (and it's the first time he's transgressed in this way): Say "Pazuzu" three times, and that demon prince will appear. He grants wishes to those who are not already CE, with the cost that you take one step towards Chaos or, if already Chaotic, towards Evil each time you make such a Wish. It is noted that he especially likes to take pains to make sure the first Wish he grants a Paladin has absolutely no other negative consequences (from the Paladin's perspective) specifically to tempt Paladins into making the second Wish, eventually.

Wishing for the means to see the baby taken care of would be well within a Demon Prince's power.

[Rubik]

Consider for a moment the possibility that the whole party is made of non-human, indeed, potentially non-organic beings who might've never been witnesses to any sort of birth-giving.

Hey, if real-life humans could once believe rats and insects grew from dirt and stone, I'm willing to believe a group of Warforged (etc.) will just think humans pop-up ready-made from a factory somewhere. :smalltongue:I could maybe see that, but the same applies to humans, as well.

"Mommy, where do babies come from?"

"Greyhawk, dear."


Planar Binding a succubus should work; I'm pretty sure they have the...requisite capability. Morally, though, that's dubious. It would be interesting to see if she could make her save vs. the infant's innate (ex) Charm ability, though.I don't think nausea-inducing effects have the [Charm] tag, generally.

[Segev]

I don't think nausea-inducing effects have the [Charm] tag, generally.

Given how...stereotypically *ahem* feminine Succubi tend to be by nature, I suspect they would have at least the...susceptible attitude.

[Sith_Happens]

It is noted that he especially likes to take pains to make sure the first Wish he grants a Paladin has absolutely no other negative consequences (from the Paladin's perspective) specifically to tempt Paladins into making the second Wish, eventually.

Paladins also don't take the alignment hit until the second Wish, so you could get off scot-free with this method (aside from the fact that if your DM is doing it right, you've just given your them free license to start repeatedly throwing you into situations where a Wish would really, really come in handy...).


I don't think nausea-inducing effects have the [Charm] tag, generally.

I get where you're coming from, but that doesn't mean babies don't have 18 Charisma, it just means they haven't learned to use it for anything yet.

Anyways, I just remembered my own go-to solution for any and all situations remotely like this one:


Get along in the wild. Move up to one-half your overland speed while hunting and foraging (no food or water supplies needed). You can provide food and water for one other person for every 2 points by which your check result exceeds 10.

Doesn't say what kind of person, or what kind of food and water supplies, just that it's the right kind for you to not have to worry about it any more.

[Segev]

Paladins also don't take the alignment hit until the second Wish, so you could get off scot-free with this method

They don't? I thought the one real cost to a Paladin the "first time" was that he still slipped from LG to NG, and would have to seek Atonement to regain his powers. Which could take some 'splainin', since the reason he's slipped was a willing bargain with a CE Demon Prince. I mean, it's against the rules, at the very least, to make such bargains, so it is a violation of Law, even if it's for all the right reasons AND you're sure you can resist the temptations in the future. (After all, you resisted so well that you took the bait this time, right?)

[LibraryOgre]

Hmm, what do you think its skill point is invested in?


Craft: Poop. It'll retrain it later.


No! Chest hairs make babies grow up STRONG!

"What are you feeding her?"
"Blackroot. She loves it!"
"Blackroot? BLACKROOT? I am the father of two children, and you never, ever give a baby blackroot!"
"My mother raised us on blackroot. It's good for you. Puts hair on your chest."
"This is the Sacred Princess Elora Danaan and the last thing she's going to want is a hairy chest!"

[HaikenEdge]

Craft: Poop. It'll retrain it later.

I think it'll also have ranks in Perform: Scream and Cry

[Rubik]

Hmm, what do you think its skill point is invested in?Perform: Mind-shredding shriek?

Craft: Bodily waste?

Profession: Disease-ridden plague?

Knowledge: How to ruin your parents' lives for the next 20 years?

[Malimar]

This thread has taken a turn towards an anti-baby hate-fest.

...This pleases me.

[Rubik]

How about Tumble to the ground screaming in public so you have to be dragged along, embarrassing and annoying everyone around you?

[Sith_Happens]

How about Tumble to the ground screaming in public so you have to be dragged along, embarrassing and annoying everyone around you?

Think you've jumped ahead a few years in age there. That, and falling prone doesn't take a check.

[Rubik]

Think you've jumped ahead a few years in age there. That, and falling prone doesn't take a check.At least we know what he'll take for level 2, then.

[Nerd-o-rama]

This thread has taken a turn towards an anti-baby hate-fest.

...This pleases me.

I am a father of a one year old (who clicked on the thread just for the title), and I can say that this isn't hate. It's factual statements of common baby activities.

Doesn't make them not adorable.

[HaikenEdge]

I am a father of a one year old (who clicked on the thread just for the title), and I can say that this isn't hate. It's factual statements of common baby activities.

Doesn't make them not adorable.

And this, I present to you, is the [Mind-Affecting][Charm][Compulsion] effect babies have on parents.

[Segev]

And this, I present to you, is the [Mind-Affecting][Charm][Compulsion] effect babies have on parents.

On most people, really. I'm not a parent, but I still adore the little tykes. I'd say I want one, but being single, I couldn't afford to pay somebody to care for the little one while I was at work. They are precious, though.

[Rubik]

And this, I present to you, is the [Mind-Affecting][Charm][Compulsion] effect babies have on parents.I'm glad Protection From Evil is a thing.

[HaikenEdge]

I'm glad Protection From Evil is a thing.

I think PoE only works against Enchantment effects; I'm fairly certain a child's abilities are all Ex.

[Rubik]

I think PoE only works against Enchantment effects; I'm fairly certain a child's abilities are all Ex.I must be naturally immune, then.

[HaikenEdge]

I must be naturally immune, then.

I'm not saying you're not; I'm just speculating that PoE wouldn't protect you.

Do you cry during movies that try to manipulate your feelings? Maybe you're just immune to mind-affecting.

[Rubik]

I'm not saying you're not; I'm just speculating that PoE wouldn't protect you.

Do you cry during movies that try to manipulate your feelings? Maybe you're just immune to mind-affecting.My eyes occasionally burn, and the room gets blurry, but I think it's an acute congenital condition that occasionally flares up.

[Drachasor]

I'm not saying you're not; I'm just speculating that PoE wouldn't protect you.

Do you cry during movies that try to manipulate your feelings? Maybe you're just immune to mind-affecting.

PoE works on any sort of mental control, but not diplomacy checks which is what babies have a bonus on. However, this bonus does not apply to outsiders or aberrations.

[Rubik]

I think PoE only works against Enchantment effects; I'm fairly certain a child's abilities are all Ex.Actually, I just checked the spell over. It gives enchantment (compulsion/charm) as an example of what it protects against, but PoE protects against ALL forms of mental control, be they Ex, Su, Na, Sp, Ps, or Na.

[HaikenEdge]

Now I feel like GitP needs a play-by-post comedic campaign involving a group of adventurers ill-suited for parenting, being forced to take care of a baby while they adventure, and not be allowed to abandon the baby for whatever reason (maybe it's a cursed baby, where, whatever group is taking care of the baby cannot relinquish care of the baby to somebody else?).

[Segev]

Now I feel like GitP needs a play-by-post comedic campaign involving a group of adventurers ill-suited for parenting, being forced to take care of a baby while they adventure, and not be allowed to abandon the baby for whatever reason (maybe it's a cursed baby, where, whatever group is taking care of the baby cannot relinquish care of the baby to somebody else?).

Nonsense! There's a tried-and-true plot device for this!

They're teenagers (which, if you think about it, most adventurers likely actually are) in Adventure High, and while doing their after-school job of fighting monsters and cleaning out dungeons, they also have to pass their Dungeon Ec course, which involves caring for a baby/egg/flour sack!

[Coidzor]

^: Perfection.


Two words: Unholy Scion.:belkar:

Indeed. That's one of the things I was referencing when I invoked DEMON BABY.


Now now, not every child can be an unholy scion... unless you want to say that every character ever is really possessed by a demon since birth.

That's... actually not a bad hypothesis about the origin of PCs. I remember reading another one where it was just supernatural possession that begins sometime later in life that comes and goes depending upon whether the players are paying attention or if it's something like travel time which is glossed over.

[Doxkid]

If you made that baby a Vampire (spawn) then you could have stored some of the baby's blood and then fed it to the baby after it was turned.

It probably wouldnt age though, so you'd need to stake and Res it at some point.

[HaikenEdge]

If you made that baby a Vampire (spawn) then you could have stored some of the baby's blood and then fed it to the baby after it was turned.

It probably wouldnt age though, so you'd need to stake and Res it at some point.

More importantly, you could throw the baby at living enemies and let it Con drain them to death.

[Kalaska'Agathas]

Summon Nature's Ally 1 summons wolves.

It was good enough for Romulus and Remus.

And look at how that turned out! I can only imagine what sort of world conquering empire you'd get from a founder raised by adventurers...


Just because nobody's suggested it and my horrible side feels like rearing its head; you could wildshape into a dingo (I'd use the stats for a wolf if there are no dingo stats) and eat the little guy. You'd be getting to the nearest town just in time to recover his..... remains..... and then you could res' him. :belkar:

Don't count on him liking you much afterward. :smalltongue:

He'll grow up to be a short, taciturn Bard. At some point he'll become a werewolf. And his band will be called "Dingoes Ate Me As A Baby".

[Isamu Dyson]

Now I feel like GitP needs a play-by-post comedic campaign involving a group of adventurers ill-suited for parenting, being forced to take care of a baby while they adventure, and not be allowed to abandon the baby for whatever reason (maybe it's a cursed baby, where, whatever group is taking care of the baby cannot relinquish care of the baby to somebody else?).

I would love to play in this :smallcool:.

[HaikenEdge]

I would love to play in this :smallcool:.

I would too, except I'm not a fan of play-by-post; if it was on roll20, I'd definitely jump on it.

[Coidzor]

I would love to play in this :smallcool:.

I would love to feel up to DMing it, though I get the feeling for best results any DM would need to have a good knowledge of how to baby while also not being so hardcore about it to not be able to roll with what the players come up with though.

[SiuiS]

Polymorph the baby into something with teeth, then feed it before the effect expires. Alternatively, Create Food and Water.

Might not work. Before a certain age a baby can't even have water, it's breast milk or nothin' (formula being synthetic breast milk), but we can assume good berry is acceptable if only because RAW is weird like that.

[Isamu Dyson]

I would love to feel up to DMing it, though I get the feeling for best results any DM would need to have a good knowledge of how to baby while also not being so hardcore about it to not be able to roll with what the players come up with though.

Any good GM is used to babying already :smallbiggrin:.

[Kane0]

This thread. It is priceless.

[Nerd-o-rama]

Might not work. Before a certain age a baby can't even have water, it's breast milk or nothin' (formula being synthetic breast milk), but we can assume good berry is acceptable if only because RAW is weird like that.

It's not a matter of can't, it's a matter of "breast milk/formula are the only things that have all needed vitamins and are digestible for newborns". You can keep a baby alive on sugar water if you can devise a means for him or her to suck it down; he or she just won't be terribly healthy. The most important thing for a newborn is that the nutrition is liquid (they start with a sucking instinct and a "bite" instinct, but not a chewing/mashing instinct) and not overly complex for human digestion (like cow's milk; if you're going to bother an animal, get a goat.)

Goodberry smoothie or Create Food and Water (infant food - extremely finely ground and unflavored oatmeal would be a reasonable idea in D&D) are the ways to go with the available resources.

[Kelb_Panthera]

Nonsense! There's a tried-and-true plot device for this!

They're teenagers (which, if you think about it, most adventurers likely actually are) in Adventure High, and while doing their after-school job of fighting monsters and cleaning out dungeons, they also have to pass their Dungeon Ec course, which involves caring for a baby/egg/flour sack!

:smalleek: ....... my brain...... I think you just broke my brain........ AAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH *blacks out*

[(Un)Inspired]

Has anyone thought to kill the baby, raise it as a non rotting undead and just leave it that way? This dodges all this breast milk nonsense plus it's eternally a baby. You can avoid having to deal with its terrible twos or it's teenage years when it grows to resent you.

Just cute baby phase forever.

[HaikenEdge]

Has anyone thought to kill the baby, raise it as a non rotting undead and just leave it that way? This dodges all this breast milk nonsense plus it's eternally a baby. You can avoid having to deal with its terrible twos or it's teenage years when it grows to resent you.

Just cute baby phase forever.

So... turn it into a Slaymate is what I'm hearing.

[Urpriest]

So... turn it into a Slaymate is what I'm hearing.

So you get a useful party member in the bargain? I approve!:smallbiggrin:

[Drachasor]

Did we ever find out what level the Druid was?

Hmm, Baleful Polymorph might make things easier.

[TuggyNE]

Now I feel like GitP needs a play-by-post comedic campaign involving a group of adventurers ill-suited for parenting, being forced to take care of a baby while they adventure, and not be allowed to abandon the baby for whatever reason (maybe it's a cursed baby, where, whatever group is taking care of the baby cannot relinquish care of the baby to somebody else?).

One? No. One each. :smallamused:

[(Un)Inspired]

One baby each?! Cause I feel like the movie Three Men and Three babies would have ended in extreme tragedy

[Lord Vukodlak]

Has anyone thought to kill the baby, raise it as a non rotting undead and just leave it that way? This dodges all this breast milk nonsense plus it's eternally a baby. You can avoid having to deal with its terrible twos or it's teenage years when it grows to resent you.

Just cute baby phase forever.

Blue text dude remember the blue text.

[Drachasor]

One? No. One each. :smallamused:

Bah, Sepia Snake Sigil, Helm of Comprehend Languages, Haversack. Repeat as needed.

[HaikenEdge]

One? No. One each. :smallamused:

I think it'd be more interesting and comedic to have one baby, and multiple parental figures fighting over how to raise said baby, as opposed to giving every adventurer their own baby to raise.

Just imagine the hijinks involved when a druid and an artificer try to raise the baby their own way, the druid trying to teach the baby about nature, and the artificer trying to craft constructs to raise the kid.

[CrazyYanmega]

We're level 2. Though we may have jumped up a level or two, depending on how the DM distributes the XP.

EDIT: Also, this thread is STILL active?!

[Drachasor]

We're level 2. Though we may have jumped up a level or two, depending on how the DM distributes the XP.

Eh, how'd you deal with a bunch of vampires at level 2?

If level 2, then Goodberry is pretty much the only option outside of male lactation.

[TripleD]

Can your Druid wild shape into an ape? Their milk should be relatively close to humans. I mean, it worked for Tarzan, and we all know that series was a bastion of scientific respectability.

[HaikenEdge]

Can your Druid wild shape into an ape? Their milk should be relatively close to humans. I mean, it worked for Tarzan, and we all know that series was a bastion of scientific respectability.

Wild shape doesn't come online until level 5. Goodberry is pretty much their only recourse.

[Venger]

So... turn it into a Slaymate is what I'm hearing.

slaymates are actually made from children that die of neglect, so... you really don't need to do anything to get one of those.

this "three men and a baby" game sounds hilarious. the party tries to ditch him in various situations and then somehow, he is there again.

[Drachasor]

slaymates are actually made from children that die of neglect, so... you really don't need to do anything to get one of those.

this "three men and a baby" game sounds hilarious. the party tries to ditch him in various situations and then somehow, he is there again.

Something like every time on of them tries to draw a weapon they get the baby?

[Venger]

Something like every time on of them tries to draw a weapon they get the baby?

Yes. A sort of riff on chicken-infested, so it'd apply to handy haversacks and spell component pouches as well, so all party members can be affected.

[Vhaidara]

We're level 2. Though we may have jumped up a level or two, depending on how the DM distributes the XP.

EDIT: Also, this thread is STILL active?!

Of course it's still active. It's hilarious. I hope we get to a second thread somehow.

[Coidzor]

Yes. A sort of riff on chicken-infested, so it'd apply to handy haversacks and spell component pouches as well, so all party members can be affected.

Maybe more like a X/round hot potato though, otherwise I'm not sure if they'd actually be able to do anything. At least, not without proficiency in Baby.

[3WhiteFox3]

Also, this thread is STILL active?!

hi, you must be new here :smallamused:

[Venger]

Maybe more like a X/round hot potato though, otherwise I'm not sure if they'd actually be able to do anything. At least, not without proficiency in Baby.

I'd say it only activates after x rounds of no one holding baby and is dormant when he's being held

[Coidzor]

I'd say it only activates after x rounds of no one holding baby and is dormant when he's being held

That makes more sense, yeah. XD

[(Un)Inspired]

Ok it's gonna take a lot of psion levels but you could Fusion with the baby.

[Lord Vukodlak]

Eh, how'd you deal with a bunch of vampires at level 2?

If level 2, then Goodberry is pretty much the only option outside of male lactation.

The answer most obviously is they weren't MM vampires but something the DM came up with that better fits his idea of vampires. For me I always thought the energy drain slam on vampires was stupid and made no sense.

[Venger]

Ok it's gonna take a lot of psion levels but you could Fusion with the baby.

you could always just use a power stone and get access considerably sooner than lvl 15.

[(Un)Inspired]

you could always just use a power stone and get access considerably sooner than lvl 15.

There we go! Just put that baby back in someone's body.

Classic parenting.

[Hamste]

There we go! Just put that baby back in someone's body.

Classic parenting.

Eh, it was good enough for it for nine months, I don't see the harm in putting it back in for the next little while.

[Bakeru]

At least, not without proficiency in Baby.Babies make awful improvised weapons, I guess. But they might give an disarm bonus against humanoids! ("Hold this for a moment.")

[veti]

It would be tedious, noisy and nerve-wracking, but - you could experiment with baby formula.

To make formula, you need:

Pure (sterilised) water. Natural milk is somewhere between 85 and 90% water.
Some sort of protein - could probably get away with crushed pulses or nuts. Some real-life formulas use soybeans as a protein base.
Fat - vegetable oil is fine for this.
Carbohydrate - lactose is best, but other kinds of sugar could work at a pinch.
Vitamin/mineral content. Maybe carrot or fruit juice, which would also take care of the carb content. (In case you can't tell, I'm neither a doctor nor a nutritionist and I'm making this up as I go along, much like your characters would have to. If you want to know exactly what you're trying to reproduce, try this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breast_milk#Composition).)


It's far from ideal, but it'd be healthier than about 97% of the ideas in this thread...

[Vizzerdrix]

survival checks should also work.

[Rubik]

Babies make awful improvised weapons, I guess. But they might give an disarm bonus against humanoids! ("Hold this for a moment.")But they make excellent armor!

http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/BABY_27b233_230747.jpg


It would be tedious, noisy and nerve-wracking, but - you could experiment with baby formula.

To make formula, you need:

Pure (sterilised) water. Natural milk is somewhere between 85 and 90% water.
Some sort of protein - could probably get away with crushed pulses or nuts. Some real-life formulas use soybeans as a protein base.
Fat - vegetable oil is fine for this.
Carbohydrate - lactose is best, but other kinds of sugar could work at a pinch.
Vitamin/mineral content. Maybe carrot or fruit juice, which would also take care of the carb content. (In case you can't tell, I'm neither a doctor nor a nutritionist and I'm making this up as I go along, much like your characters would have to. If you want to know exactly what you're trying to reproduce, try this (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breast_milk#Composition).)


It's far from ideal, but it'd be healthier than about 97% of the ideas in this thread...You also need a source of cholesterol. It's immensely important for the brain to develop properly, since you end up with severe behavioral and cognitive problems if enough isn't available. The fact that most baby formulas are vegetarian (and thus have no cholesterol) explains quite a lot about most people these days.

[Bakeru]

survival checks should also work.As someone mentioned, survival checks allow you to get food/water for other persons, with no further restrictions.

Now, the question would be, "is a baby a person"?

[Lightlawbliss]

...
You also need a source of cholesterol. It's immensely important for the brain to develop properly, since you end up with severe behavioral and cognitive problems if enough isn't available. The fact that most baby formulas are vegetarian (and thus have no cholesterol) explains quite a lot about most people these days.

The baby is being raise by adventurers. I don't think the formula lacking an ingrediant is going to worse for it's brain then it's lifestyle.

[HaikenEdge]

I still say they should turn the baby into a vampire, then toss the baby at the enemies so it can Con and level drain them to death.

[Socksy]

I'm Team Goodberry Smoothie.

Would Purify Food And Water be able to turn monster milk edible? Alternatively, cast it on the contents of the baby's nappy to turn that back into whatever it ate before...:smalltongue:

[Sith_Happens]

slaymates are actually made from children that die of neglect, so... you really don't need to do anything to get one of those.


There we go! Just put that baby back in someone's body.

Classic parenting.

So... much... sig material.


Babies make awful improvised weapons, I guess. But they might give an disarm bonus against humanoids! ("Hold this for a moment.")

...Screw it, if I get around to that at all I'm just linking this whole thread.

[(Un)Inspired]

I still say they should turn the baby into a vampire, then toss the baby at the enemies so it can Con and level drain them to death.

Honestly, the sooner you turn it into a vampire , the sooner it can start working towards vampire lord.

[Coidzor]

The answer most obviously is they weren't MM vampires but something the DM came up with that better fits his idea of vampires. For me I always thought the energy drain slam on vampires was stupid and made no sense.

I always thought it a bit strange myself. Granted, I'm all for representing their supernatural strength by giving them the ability to casually slap people silly, though it does get a bit wiggy with unarmed strikes...


There we go! Just put that baby back in someone's body.

Classic parenting.

Ooog. :smallyuk: :smalleek:

Actually that reminds me of the idea of hollowing out an undead for a playpen which reminds me of an idea a friend of mine once had for an undead monster made out of a pregnant woman late in her pregnancy where the fetal remains are a symbiotic undead/part of the undead/??? and can partially leap out of the decaying abdomen as a surprise/special attack. (Need to make that thing, I guess)


Babies make awful improvised weapons, I guess. But they might give an disarm bonus against humanoids! ("Hold this for a moment.")

Maybe some kind of daze or nausea effect?


I'm Team Goodberry Smoothie.

Would Purify Food And Water be able to turn monster milk edible? Alternatively, cast it on the contents of the baby's nappy to turn that back into whatever it ate before...:smalltongue:

Magically Delicious (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/spells/goodberry.htm) does seem like it'd at least help a fair bit.

It... should probably already be edible if they're nursing their young with it. :smallconfused: Granted, I don't know if Purify Food and Water will turn something that can't be digested into something that can be, though I guess it'd remove any toxins or allergens?


Honestly, the sooner you turn it into a vampire , the sooner it can start working towards vampire lord.

And vampires are supposed to have vampire babbies, right? So that'll help lure the rest of them out of the woodwork so you kill them all instead of some sneaking off and skulking until the heat is off. :smallbiggrin: Win-win!

:smallamused:

[Venger]

So... much... sig material.

feel free to sig me if you like

[Defiled Cross]

Can always sacrifice it to Erythnul.

:smallbiggrin:

[CrazyYanmega]

Can always sacrifice it to Erythnul.

:smallbiggrin:

The goal is to keep it ALIVE.

Since you all seem to be wanting to keep this thread active, I have some other problems that will probably come up.

I feel the need to keep the baby with the party at all times, since leaving it alone with the group's covered wagon would leave it vulnerable to ninja attack. However, it sometimes cries, which means that enemies are alerted to our position. What would be the best way to keep the baby quiet?

2nd, what is the best way to leave the baby semi-unattended (like a playpen) during foraging sessions?

Assume that my group will be level 3-4, mostly martial characters barring 1 druid, and little to no civilization in sight.

[HaikenEdge]

The goal is to keep it ALIVE.

Since you all seem to be wanting to keep this thread active, I have some other problems that will probably come up.

I feel the need to keep the baby with the party at all times, since leaving it alone with the group's covered wagon would leave it vulnerable to ninja attack. However, it sometimes cries, which means that enemies are alerted to our position. What would be the best way to keep the baby quiet?

2nd, what is the best way to leave the baby semi-unattended (like a playpen) during foraging sessions?

Assume that my group will be level 3-4, mostly martial characters barring 1 druid, and little to no civilization in sight.

Silence is a 2nd level spell, and Control Sound is a 2nd level power, so I think you're either a level off, or you already have access to it. Otherwise, see if the DM will let you apply Handle Animal to the baby, or allow you to take ranks in Parenting.

Regarding a playpen, maybe find a way to entangle the baby?

[Libertad]

I don't see why the addition of a theoretical woman PC would make caring for a baby in the middle of the wilderness a non-issue. You'd still be up the creek with no easy access to food and a bunch of bad guys that want to kill you.

The Survival skill can help provide for people in the wilderness, and since the baby's Tiny size he'll need a lot less food for sustenance. It should be trivial to mash up existing food with adventuring tools to make it edible for infants.

Aside from existing spells, ways of keeping the baby quiet will be up to DM Fiat. Negotiate with the DM and see what he'll allow. What is his playstyle?


Keep in mind that keeping the baby on your person actually places it in danger. Any are of effect spell, fall from a great height, or environmental effect will hit the baby. Give the baby over to a PC who does not do melee combat and has Evasion or a good reflex save.

[Coidzor]

I feel the need to keep the baby with the party at all times, since leaving it alone with the group's covered wagon would leave it vulnerable to ninja attack. However, it sometimes cries, which means that enemies are alerted to our position. What would be the best way to keep the baby quiet?

Is your DM in the habit of slaughtering your pack animals/hirelings regularly? How do you still have a wagon if you've ever gone into a dungeon without it? :smallconfused:


2nd, what is the best way to leave the baby semi-unattended (like a playpen) during foraging sessions?

As long as it's not climbing yet, the bed of the wagon should probably be deep enough for it to stay in there as a pen. If not, you should be able to easily rig something up. Wood Shape, if nothing else should do it.

So, in a pen, with a relatively warm/lukewarm bottle if it can use its own bottle, with soft things and probably with an endure elements up on it... I think you'd have to watch out for the potential of blanket strangulation at certain ages?

...I wish I'd paid more attention when my nephew was teeny-tiny now. :smallconfused: :smalleek:

This (http://www.parents.com/baby/care/american-baby-how-tos/crib-safety/)might be enough for a gloss over.


Assume that my group will be level 3-4, mostly martial characters barring 1 druid, and little to no civilization in sight.

What about Wildlings (http://gameofthrones.wikia.com/wiki/Osha)? Get control of some of those and there should be one that's either pregnant or nursing or just lost a child and hasn't lost their milk yet.

You are getting to about the level where some minions to watch your wagon and take care of grooming and feeding the pack animals and beasts of burden would be affordable/make sense, generally speaking.

[Bakeru]

So... much... sig material.
...Screw it, if I get around to that at all I'm just linking this whole threadI'd feel honoured if I showed up in someone's sig. Yes, even if that's the quote you choose.


I feel the need to keep the baby with the party at all times, since leaving it alone with the group's covered wagon would leave it vulnerable to ninja attack. However, it sometimes cries, which means that enemies are alerted to our position. What would be the best way to keep the baby quiet?Let someone get a level in mage/sorcerer, and the feat "Improved Familiar". Then choose the baby as an Improved Familiar. Then cast Familiar Pocket, or get the belt that can house an familiar.


I don't see why the addition of a theoretical woman PC would make caring for a baby in the middle of the wilderness a non-issue. You'd still be up the creek with no easy access to food and a bunch of bad guys that want to kill you.Note how in over five pages of "Carve out a playpen inside an undead party member", "kill and reincarnate it to give it the body of a young adult" and "Absorb it into your own body", no one suggested "Get a woman to handle it". Except for someone who suggested summoning an outsider, I guess.
Although some people did suggest "Get the men to lactate", so I'm not sure what to make of that.


The Survival skill can help provide for people in the wilderness, and since the baby's Tiny size he'll need a lot less food for sustenance. It should be trivial to mash up existing food with adventuring tools to make it edible for infants.Realistically, it would be more complicated then that, but then, Survival only states "You get enough food for x persons", it doesn't exclude babies. So, again: Can a baby really be called a person?


Aside from existing spells, ways of keeping the baby quiet will be up to DM Fiat.No, keeping it silent is easy. Keeping it silent and happy is the problem.


Keep in mind that keeping the baby on your person actually places it in danger. Any are of effect spell, fall from a great height, or environmental effect will hit the baby. Give the baby over to a PC who does not do melee combat and has Evasion or a good reflex save....
Sound advice.

[Coidzor]

Note how in over five pages of "Carve out a playpen inside an undead party member", "kill and reincarnate it to give it the body of a young adult" and "Absorb it into your own body", no one suggested "Get a woman to handle it". Except for someone who suggested summoning an outsider, I guess.
Although some people did suggest "Get the men to lactate", so I'm not sure what to make of that.

I thought there was some suggestion of getting an NPC wetnurse that got shot down due to being nowhere near civilization at all. Which raises questions about where this baby came from, come to think of it.

Demon Baby seems increasingly likely. :smallamused:

[Bakeru]

I thought there was some suggestion of getting an NPC wetnurse that got shot down due to being nowhere near civilization at all. Which raises questions about where this baby came from, come to think of it.

Demon Baby seems increasingly likely. :smallamused:Ah, right, there's that.

Still, the baby was found as a sacrifice-to-be in a dungeon, so it's probably just kidnapped. Better question is: How did the kidnappers keep it alive? (Answer: See this topic, I guess.)

[Rubik]

Cast Summon Scoobies I and have hilarious misadventures with Buffy & Co while trying to keep the tyke from being sacrificed to summon a demon?

[Coidzor]

Still, the baby was found as a sacrifice-to-be in a dungeon, so it's probably just kidnapped. Better question is: How did the kidnappers keep it alive? (Answer: See this topic, I guess.)

Long way to go just to kidnap a (non-special) baby though.


Cast Summon Scoobies I and have hilarious misadventures with Buffy & Co while trying to keep the tyke from being sacrificed to summon a demon?

Heh. :smallamused: Definitely think there should be some Scoobies, yeah. Maybe more of a calling effect than a summoning one though.

[HaikenEdge]

Long way to go just to kidnap a (non-special) baby though.

To be fair, it could be a special baby. It just wouldn't know it yet, since, babies that are special don't usually show until they're a bit older.

That, or it's a baby of prophesy.

[Rubik]

To be fair, it could be a special baby. It just wouldn't know it yet, since, babies that are special don't usually show until they're a bit older.

That, or it's a baby of prophesy.Then again, babies are easy to catch. They don't even try to dodge the taser shots.

[Swaoeaeieu]

Then again, babies are easy to catch. They don't even try to dodge the taser shots.

Or you could, you know, pick em up from their crib... without the tasing... and resulting brain damage

The fact that babies are so easy to catch could be a good reason to lay off the (for babies) lethal force. Not that i don't like your stye, it's quite impressive in fact. But y'know, time and place for overkill s'all im saying

[Rubik]

Or you could, you know, pick em up from their crib... without the tasing... and resulting brain damageBut that's no fun at all.


The fact that babies are so easy to catch could be a good reason to lay off the (for babies) lethal force. Not that i don't like your stye, it's quite impressive in fact. But y'know, time and place for overkill s'all im sayingThere's no kill like overkill.

[CrazyYanmega]

I don't see why the addition of a theoretical woman PC would make caring for a baby in the middle of the wilderness a non-issue. You'd still be up the creek with no easy access to food and a bunch of bad guys that want to kill you.

My deepest apologies. I have no idea how lactation works. And thanks for the head's up on AOE spells and breath weapons. I'll have to be careful.

[Libertad]

Note how in over five pages of "Carve out a playpen inside an undead party member", "kill and reincarnate it to give it the body of a young adult" and "Absorb it into your own body", no one suggested "Get a woman to handle it". Except for someone who suggested summoning an outsider, I guess.
Although some people did suggest "Get the men to lactate", so I'm not sure what to make of that.

It was more directed to the title than individual posts.


Realistically, it would be more complicated then that, but then, Survival only states "You get enough food for x persons", it doesn't exclude babies. So, again: Can a baby really be called a person?

I believe that there's rules somewhere which state that creatures of a smaller size category need less food and water. So I brought it up in case the DM felt like being a stickler for starvation and thirst rules.


To be fair, it could be a special baby. It just wouldn't know it yet, since, babies that are special don't usually show until they're a bit older.

That, or it's a baby of prophesy.

That brings up a point. To the OP: do you have any idea where the baby came from? There's a fair chance that it was kidnapped from a town, but it's possible that the cult might be screwed up enough to sacrifice their own children. In the latter case, you might never be able to "find" the parents.

[veti]

I feel the need to keep the baby with the party at all times, since leaving it alone with the group's covered wagon would leave it vulnerable to ninja attack.

Ninja attack, seriously? It doesn't take a ninja to take a baby unawares. A raging minotaur could trash the wagon and make off with the baby, without it even waking up.


However, it sometimes cries, which means that enemies are alerted to our position. What would be the best way to keep the baby quiet?

Ah, the question. What billions of parents worldwide wouldn't give to have a reliable answer to that...

The answer, short of magic or brute force, is to give it what it wants. The trick is, figuring out what it wants. Is it hungry? playful/bored? tired? in pain or discomfort?


If it's hungry, feed it. (Note that very small babies can get hungry at absolutely any time. That "once every four hours" thing they tell you is, at best, a wild approximation from averaging over a long period; at worst, it's a bare minimum. Sometimes a baby wants feeding every hour or less.)
If it's bored, you should be able to tell just by making eye contact and seeing how it responds. Then play with it. Keep the eye contact, smile a lot, talk to it, sing to it, hold it in different positions. Don't bother tickling, that won't work until it's at least old enough to crawl. Playtime will rarely last more than about 5-10 minutes before...
It's tired - there are signs to watch out for. Yawning or eyes half closing are the most obvious. Other common symptoms include a sustained, low-grade grizzle, accompanied by jerky arm movements. In this case, cradle it gently, pat soothingly, sing quietly if you can. This will probably work unless...
It's in pain or discomfort. If you're exceptionally lucky, the cause may be something simple - there's a burr inside its clothing, it's too hot or too cold, you've folded its leg in an awkward position, etc. - and can be fixed easily. More commonly, however: it needs changing (sniff to test), it has wind (hold it upright against your chest or shoulder and keep walking - be warned this process can (a) take a long time, half an hour or more, and (b) be messy), or it's so tired that it's given itself a headache and/or sore throat. In the last case, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it - it becomes a pure trial of your stamina and patience. Hold it in a sleeping position, rock gently, continue making soothing noises and wait it out.


2nd, what is the best way to leave the baby semi-unattended (like a playpen) during foraging sessions?

At that age it doesn't need a playpen, it's not going to be crawling anywhere for several months yet. Just lay it down (on its back) on something soft and dry, sheltered from rain (or sun, which is even worse), and a mosquito net would also be a good idea if you have one, and make sure it's warm (but not overheated).

[HaikenEdge]

Once again, I feel like I need to emphasize that this needs to be a campaign, and whoever is in it needs to post a campaign journal here on GITP.

[Coidzor]

^: Agreed. :smallbiggrin:

Come to think of it more and more, Endure Elements seems like a very, very useful spell for use on babies.


My deepest apologies. I have no idea how lactation works. And thanks for the head's up on AOE spells and breath weapons. I'll have to be careful.

Pregnancy causes hormonal changes that result in milk production that starts between ~2/3 of the way through the pregnancy and right before the baby is actually due, and if they don't nurse, the milk production stays low and then peters off. If they continue to nurse then they can continue lactating for years, if I recall correctly, though I believe the amount decreases after a certain point to a reduced but steady-ish flow without another pregnancy.

I believe this principle is part of the basis for a modern practice of dairy farming where they're kept pregnant more often than not.

Sometimes just having a baby suckling can eventually lead to lactation though, but only some people can actually do that, especially to produce a meaningful quantity of milk in a reasonable amount of time.

[LibraryOgre]

I feel the need to keep the baby with the party at all times, since leaving it alone with the group's covered wagon would leave it vulnerable to ninja attack. However, it sometimes cries, which means that enemies are alerted to our position. What would be the best way to keep the baby quiet?

2nd, what is the best way to leave the baby semi-unattended (like a playpen) during foraging sessions?

Assume that my group will be level 3-4, mostly martial characters barring 1 druid, and little to no civilization in sight.

What's the druid's animal companion? Really, an animal companion is more or less made for this sort of situation... if it's a mammal, you can more or less tell it "Keep this thing here and safe" and it will manage well enough.

[Coidzor]

Nanny Dog. Papa Wolf.

[Venger]

I believe this principle is part of the basis for a modern practice of dairy farming where they're kept pregnant more often than not.

the usual practice is to simply cut out the middleman and dose the cows directly with pregnancy hormones that induce lactation, namely estrogen and progesterone (iirc) this makes the cow's body essentially "think" it's pregnant without the cow actually needing to be pregnant

[Bakeru]

the usual practice is to simply cut out the middleman and dose the cows directly with pregnancy hormones that induce lactation, namely estrogen and progesterone (iirc) this makes the cow's body essentially "think" it's pregnant without the cow actually needing to be pregnantThough pregnancy is used, too, since it also produces calves that can be eaten.

[HaikenEdge]

Though pregnancy is used, too, since it also produces calves that can be eaten.

And that is how veal is produced.

[Sith_Happens]

However, it sometimes cries, which means that enemies are alerted to our position. What would be the best way to keep the baby quiet?

Would a gag work? Not exactly humane, but better than being ghoul chow any day.


Keep in mind that keeping the baby on your person actually places it in danger. Any are of effect spell, fall from a great height, or environmental effect will hit the baby. Give the baby over to a PC who does not do melee combat and has Evasion or a good reflex save.

One word: Backpack. Line of effect is a wonderful thing.:smallwink:

[veti]

Would a gag work? Not exactly humane, but better than being ghoul chow any day.

A gag wouldn't stop all noise, just stifle it a little. And unless you're prepared to hurt the baby, it would probably be impossible to secure a gag for more than a few minutes at a time.

A dummy/pacifier can work, under the right conditions - but note that the baby needs to be conditioned pretty much from birth to accept that. If it's two months old, and it's never had one before, it's probably way too late to start now - the baby will just spit it right out.

[HaikenEdge]

A gag wouldn't stop all noise, just stifle it a little. And unless you're prepared to hurt the baby, it would probably be impossible to secure a gag for more than a few minutes at a time.

A dummy/pacifier can work, under the right conditions - but note that the baby needs to be conditioned pretty much from birth to accept that. If it's two months old, and it's never had one before, it's probably way too late to start now - the baby will just spit it right out.

Sovereign Glue and universal solvent?

[CarpeGuitarrem]

I was about to cap off the work day with a productive bit of testing.

I hate you all. :smalltongue:

And this is the best thread.

[CrazyYanmega]

That brings up a point. To the OP: do you have any idea where the baby came from? There's a fair chance that it was kidnapped from a town, but it's possible that the cult might be screwed up enough to sacrifice their own children. In the latter case, you might never be able to "find" the parents.

A hag threw it into a pond filled with gators. I don't think we're finding the parents any time soon. Speaking of which, we never did find that hag. I don't think the DM was expecting us to manage to save the baby.



The answer, short of magic or brute force, is to give it what it wants. The trick is, figuring out what it wants. Is it hungry? playful/bored? tired? in pain or discomfort?


If it's hungry, feed it. (Note that very small babies can get hungry at absolutely any time. That "once every four hours" thing they tell you is, at best, a wild approximation from averaging over a long period; at worst, it's a bare minimum. Sometimes a baby wants feeding every hour or less.)
If it's bored, you should be able to tell just by making eye contact and seeing how it responds. Then play with it. Keep the eye contact, smile a lot, talk to it, sing to it, hold it in different positions. Don't bother tickling, that won't work until it's at least old enough to crawl. Playtime will rarely last more than about 5-10 minutes before...
It's tired - there are signs to watch out for. Yawning or eyes half closing are the most obvious. Other common symptoms include a sustained, low-grade grizzle, accompanied by jerky arm movements. In this case, cradle it gently, pat soothingly, sing quietly if you can. This will probably work unless...
It's in pain or discomfort. If you're exceptionally lucky, the cause may be something simple - there's a burr inside its clothing, it's too hot or too cold, you've folded its leg in an awkward position, etc. - and can be fixed easily. More commonly, however: it needs changing (sniff to test), it has wind (hold it upright against your chest or shoulder and keep walking - be warned this process can (a) take a long time, half an hour or more, and (b) be messy), or it's so tired that it's given itself a headache and/or sore throat. In the last case, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it - it becomes a pure trial of your stamina and patience. Hold it in a sleeping position, rock gently, continue making soothing noises and wait it out.


What made the baby start crying was a buzz-saw trap going off and whizzing overhead (Small size for the win!).

...You know, I never did indicate my druid's race. He's an anthropomorphic bat. The group also includes a hellbred.

[Bakeru]

And that is how veal is produced.There is an extra word for it? I'd have thought it was called "calve flesh".

[HaikenEdge]

There is an extra word for it? I'd have thought it was called "calve flesh".

Veal is the meat of young cattle, as opposed to beef, which is harvested from the corpses of matured cattle.

[Bakeru]

Veal is the meat of young cattle, as opposed to beef, which is harvested from the corpses of matured cattle.Bah. I'm German. We usually just call it "[thing it came from]flesh". Beef: Rindfleisch. Veal: Kalbfleisch. Pork: Schweinefleisch. No need to invent new words for it.

[HaikenEdge]

Bah. I'm German. We usually just call it "[thing it came from]flesh". Beef: Rindfleisch. Veal: Kalbfleisch. Pork: Schweinefleisch. No need to invent new words for it.

The Chinese do that too. English just happens to be a language that draws it's words from a multitude of sources (German, French, Spanish?) and thus has a somewhat unusual vocabulary system.

[(Un)Inspired]

Sovereign Glue and universal solvent?

Yes!!!

Okay so glue the baby to one of your character's chests and glue its mouth to one of your nipples. The constant suckling's got to induce lactation pretty soon right?

This feeds the baby, lets you keep a constant eye on it AND keeps it quiet. Its beautiful how organically all the solutions for the different parenting problems come together in one plan.

Just universal solvent the baby off your chest and nipple when it get large enough to eat solid food.

I would like to credit David Cronenberg with creating the body horror films that haunted my childhood and inspired this plan.

[HaikenEdge]

Yes!!!

Okay so glue the baby to one of your character's chests and glue its mouth to one of your nipples. The constant suckling's got to induce lactation pretty soon right?

This feeds the baby, lets you keep a constant eye on it AND keeps it quiet. Its beautiful how organically all the solutions for the different parenting problems come together in one plan.

Just universal solvent the baby off your chest and nipple when it get large enough to eat solid food.

I would like to credit David Cronenberg with creating the body horror films that haunted my childhood and inspired this plan.

It'd take a while before the carrier would start lactating. Until then, the baby would starve.

[Grim Portent]

When you get the chance, if the group of you feel attached to the child, you should try and hire a Nursemaid and use the town she lives in as a base so you can raise the kid. This has a few nice effects:

1) Recurring NPCs in the form of villagers and the Nursemaid. You all get to try RPing some long term interactions.
2) A reason to develop one location in great detail.
3) Long term goal of raising the kid and the friends he makes to be adventurers that can be played when your current characters die or retire.

Of course if a settled location campaign isn't what you guys want you could either leave the kid in someone else's care or try and find a good long term food source that you can transport with you.

[veti]

Bah. I'm German. We usually just call it "[thing it came from]flesh". Beef: Rindfleisch. Veal: Kalbfleisch. Pork: Schweinefleisch. No need to invent new words for it.

We didn't "invent a new word". "Veal" and "beef" both come into English, via Old French, from Latin root words meaning "calf" and "ox", respectively. English has a lot of sources, which is why the language is so random, but to call it "invented" is - unfair.

[CrazyYanmega]

Yes!!!

Okay so glue the baby to one of your character's chests and glue its mouth to one of your nipples. The constant suckling's got to induce lactation pretty soon right?

This feeds the baby, lets you keep a constant eye on it AND keeps it quiet. Its beautiful how organically all the solutions for the different parenting problems come together in one plan.

Just universal solvent the baby off your chest and nipple when it get large enough to eat solid food.

I would like to credit David Cronenberg with creating the body horror films that haunted my childhood and inspired this plan.

I would like to point out how suspiciously that sounds to how Deep-sea Anglerfish mate.

Also, what should I do for early education, baby toys, and diapers? Right now I think the baby is stark naked.

[HaikenEdge]

I would like to point out how suspiciously that sounds to how Deep-sea Anglerfish mate.

Also, what should I do for early education, baby toys, and diapers? Right now I think the baby is stark naked.

Depending on how meta the game is going to be, couldn't you conceivably just raise the kid as normal, and then, when they hit first, just make sure they got the Education feat?

[veti]

What made the baby start crying was a buzz-saw trap going off and whizzing overhead (Small size for the win!).

Oh, if the baby was just startled, that's easy - calm it down with eye contact and shushing, should work almost immediately.

Unless it suddenly realises that one of the other categories discussed above applies, of course...

[Bakeru]

We didn't "invent a new word". "Veal" and "beef" both come into English, via Old French, from Latin root words meaning "calf" and "ox", respectively. English has a lot of sources, which is why the language is so random, but to call it "invented" is - unfair.First, sorry, I should have used blue text.

Second:
So instead of inventing new words, the words were stolen. That's even worse!

[Grim Portent]

I would like to point out how suspiciously that sounds to how Deep-sea Anglerfish mate.

Also, what should I do for early education, baby toys, and diapers? Right now I think the baby is stark naked.

Medieval diapers were just cloth, so an old shirt used to swaddle it would do. It can be cleaned with magic when necessary. Toys would be harder since I doubt any has Craft (Whittling). Similar problems for education.

[(Un)Inspired]

I would like to point out how suspiciously that sounds to how Deep-sea Anglerfish mate.

Also, what should I do for early education, baby toys, and diapers? Right now I think the baby is stark naked.

Education? Baby Toys? That's so low OP. Just Mind Rape/Psychic Chirurgery a happy childhood and full education into its head later.

[veti]

Also, what should I do for early education, baby toys, and diapers? Right now I think the baby is stark naked.

You definitely want to do something about that...

For diapers, you'll need a number of clean (and cleanable) cloths that can be tied around the relevant area. There's no special magic to that. Cotton is ideal, it tends to hold the liquid well enough and is simple to wash.

As for early education and baby toys - don't sweat it. All the baby needs at this point is (a) things to look at - should be no shortage of those (but bear in mind, it'll have trouble focusing on anything much more than a couple of feet away), (b) people to talk to and around it (incidentally, the more different languages they use, the better) and (c) opportunities to practise gripping with its hands. All that should be simple enough to arrange.

[HaikenEdge]

Education? Baby Toys? That's so low OP. Just Mind Rape/Psychic Chirugery a happy childhood and full education into its head later.

And we have a winner!

[Taet]

IIRC most can, the prepwork just takes too long to be useful in this case.
I cannot stop reading this as paperwork. :smalleek:


Though you've got a Paladin? Technically, this could work for anybody, but it would work particularly well for a Paladin, if he's willing to take the hit from LG to NG (and it's the first time he's transgressed in this way): Say "Pazuzu" three times, and that demon prince will appear. He grants wishes to those who are not already CE, with the cost that you take one step towards Chaos or, if already Chaotic, towards Evil each time you make such a Wish. It is noted that he especially likes to take pains to make sure the first Wish he grants a Paladin has absolutely no other negative consequences (from the Paladin's perspective) specifically to tempt Paladins into making the second Wish, eventually.

Wishing for the means to see the baby taken care of would be well within a Demon Prince's power.
I never thought I would see a Pazuzu trick that was good. :smalleek:


Any good GM is used to babying already :smallbiggrin:.
:smalltongue:

[The Oni]

And we have a winner!

...This is where PCs come from, isn't it? Psychically implant a tragic backstory into anyone who looks like they can throw a punch or cast a fireball?

...

EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE

[Isamu Dyson]

It's time to bust out the tucked away lembas.

[LibraryOgre]

There is an extra word for it? I'd have thought it was called "calve flesh".

Wilkommen auf Englisch. We've got a word for everything. And usually 5 of them, with special connotations. :smallbiggrin:

Welcome to English. Remember to translate your foreign phrases, folks!

[CrazyYanmega]

Yes!!!

Okay so glue the baby to one of your character's chests and glue its mouth to one of your nipples. The constant suckling's got to induce lactation pretty soon right?

This feeds the baby, lets you keep a constant eye on it AND keeps it quiet. Its beautiful how organically all the solutions for the different parenting problems come together in one plan.

And how will teething feel?

"AAAUUUGGGGUUAAAAARRRRRAAAAAA!"

"Pipe down, we're trying to sleep!"

[nedz]

Medieval diapers were just cloth, so an old shirt used to swaddle it would do. It can be cleaned with magic when necessary.
Prestidigitation.

Toys would be harder since I doubt any has Craft (Whittling). Similar problems for education.
Prestidigitation.
Someone has to take a level of Wizard or Sorcerer.

So instead of inventing new words, the words were stolen. That's even worse!
Imposed by French speaking overlords.

[(Un)Inspired]

And how will teething feel?

"AAAUUUGGGGUUAAAAARRRRRAAAAAA!"

"Pipe down, we're trying to sleep!"

Well my friend, no one said parenting was easy.

[Lightlawbliss]

Prestidigitation.

Prestidigitation.
Someone has to take a level of Wizard or Sorcerer.
...
...And we have another thing casters do better then everyone else.
or buy/make an item of Prestidigitation at will or continuous (if DM allows).

[Coidzor]

Also, what should I do for early education, baby toys, and diapers? Right now I think the baby is stark naked.

You can basically use clean rags or spare cloth to make diapers and either wash them or use prestidigitation if you have it available.

You may also be able to just train it to be diaper-free, since it seems like you're just out in woods or caves, so as long as you clean it after it poops, it doesn't really matter where it poops as long as it isn't on a party member or in/on the wagon/loot/stuff. Or pees for that matter. Seems somewhat in line with a Druid. :smallamused:

Early education... Well, a bard would be great for that if they had any facility with story telling or singing/humming/whistling. Woodshape and basic craft checks and knowledge skills to avoid giving it anything toxic should suffice to create toys. Pretty sure you can make basic blocks with wood shape, anyway, and a puppet or doll made out of rags shouldn't be too hard to do for anyone with a decent Int.

Beyond that, a character with a decent int/wis/cha can probably teach the child to read and write if the game goes on for long enough, considering most characters are literate.

Edit: Granted, by the time toys are all that relevant, you'll probably have magical baby/children's toys for the tyke, or at least vendortrash loot that'll do the job.


...This is where PCs come from, isn't it? Psychically implant a tragic backstory into anyone who looks like they can throw a punch or cast a fireball?

...

EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE

:smalleek:

:smallcool: Would you kindly gaze at the red dot as I administer this eye exam? :smallcool:

:smallamused:


And how will teething feel?

"AAAUUUGGGGUUAAAAARRRRRAAAAAA!"

"Pipe down, we're trying to sleep!"

That's how you know the baby is ready to get detached! :smallbiggrin:

Edit2: I just had the most curious mental image of a baby wearing a collar of perpetual attendance. XD

[veti]

You may also be able to just train it to be diaper-free, since it seems like you're just out in woods or caves, so as long as you clean it after it poops, it doesn't really matter where it poops as long as it isn't on a party member or in/on the wagon/loot/stuff. Or pees for that matter.

Yeabut, you have no warning when it's going to poop, so in practice it's very likely to be in one of the above categories...


Early education... Well, a bard would be great for that if they had any facility with story telling or singing/humming/whistling. Woodshape and basic craft checks and knowledge skills to avoid giving it anything toxic should suffice to create toys. Pretty sure you can make basic blocks with wood shape, anyway, and a puppet or doll made out of rags shouldn't be too hard to do for anyone with a decent Int.

Yep, that'll be great at about 6-8 months, but that's still a long way off right now. At 2-3 months, the baby isn't going to be playing "with" anything. It probably still hasn't worked out yet that these "hand" thingies that occasionally pass in front of its face are actually under its control.

[Dimers]

Granted, by the time toys are all that relevant, you'll probably have magical baby/children's toys for the tyke, or at least vendortrash loot that'll do the job.

:smallbiggrin: *dies laughing* :smallbiggrin:

[HaikenEdge]

I don't think I can say this enough: this thread is gold.

If you only need it to play with the baby for a short period, you could always have the druid burn unused Summon Natural Ally #s to summon friendly animals so the baby can get used to them (and you can steer the baby towards being a druid if the DM allows the baby to get XP for being with the PCs for adventuring)

Imagine, a baby who is a druid, who casts spells by crying, gurgling, thrashing about, or transforms into full-sized animals.

That needs to be a PC.

[shogun37]

I still say they should turn the baby into a vampire, then toss the baby at the enemies so it can Con and level drain them to death.

Or better yet, tie a rope around the little tyke. An undead baby yoyo!

[Dimers]

I had to introduce this thread's concept to my (very non-gamer) girlfriend. The conversation ended with "So ... kidnap yourselves a wetnurse. Whoa, how often do you get to say THAT?"

[HaikenEdge]

I had to introduce this thread's concept to my (very non-gamer) girlfriend. The conversation ended with "So ... kidnap yourselves a wetnurse. Whoa, how often do you get to say THAT?"

To be fair, it did come up, along with the party being in the middle of nowhere.

[Segev]

I forget if this party has a wizard or sorcerer. But if it does, you can easily silence the baby with a first level spell. I doubt he can make a will save against Sleep. And, so long as you take care of him otherwise, the little tyke won't even be harmed by it.

[(Un)Inspired]

I forget if this party has a wizard or sorcerer. But if it does, you can easily silence the baby with a first level spell. I doubt he can make a will save against Sleep. And, so long as you take care of him otherwise, the little tyke won't even be harmed by it.

You don't need a wizard to silence a baby.

[Segev]

You don't need a wizard to silence a baby.

No, but given adventuring parties' typical areas of skill and lack thereof, this might be the easiest way to do it "on demand" without harming the tyke.

[(Un)Inspired]

Are we not aloud to harm him? I remember the stipulation that we can't kill him but I don't recall any stipulations against maiming him.

[Urpriest]

Yep, that'll be great at about 6-8 months, but that's still a long way off right now. At 2-3 months, the baby isn't going to be playing "with" anything. It probably still hasn't worked out yet that these "hand" thingies that occasionally pass in front of its face are actually under its control.

Yeah, considering that PCs can go from 1-20 in a few months, I feel like the party will have found their way back to some sort of civilization long before this becomes a problem.

As to the veal thing, the shorthand explanation is that English uses Old French words for meat and Germanic words for animals because meat was what you gave the French lords, who were quite particular about these sorts of things.

[Segev]

Are we not aloud to harm him? I remember the stipulation that we can't kill him but I don't recall any stipulations against maiming him.

Again, considering the numbers adventurers push out, I am not sure the 1 hp that a baby has is likely to be enough to survive "maiming."

[Kelb_Panthera]

Wilkommen auf Englisch. We've got a word for everything. And usually 5 of them, with special connotations. :smallbiggrin:

Welcome to English. Remember to translate your foreign phrases, folks!

To be fair, in most cases we mugged some other language for at least 3 of those 5.

[Venger]

And how will teething feel?

"AAAUUUGGGGUUAAAAARRRRRAAAAAA!"

"Pipe down, we're trying to sleep!"

just use a nipple ring of exquisite pain.

[(Un)Inspired]

just use a nipple ring of exquisite pain.

It doubles as a teething ring.

[HaikenEdge]

It'd just make you scream in pleasure instead.

[Venger]

It'd just make you scream in pleasure instead.

just bite on a pacifier

[Urpriest]

just bite on a pacifier

And the problem has officially turned recursive.

[Malimar]

Oh, I know what you need! Just build a dwarven daycare system (http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=91093.0). Problem solved!

Unfortunately for my joke, dwarven daycare doesn't work on babies, only children.

[Phelix-Mu]

Alright, my new goal, and something I think we should all aspire to as a community, is that, when someone googles "caring for infants," this thread pops up in the top 10 hits. I think we can do it!

Back on topic, wasn't there a spell to change gender? At least that handles the all-male party.

Honestly, there is a bit of a disconnect between faux-medieval child-rearing and the actual limits of child-rearing that should be possible with magic. I'm about to go start another thread about the best ways to optimize child-rearing, but a whole bunch of methods pop into my mind (despite the late hour).

In fact, while I was at first joking, I think I will start that thread.:smallsmile:

[CrazyYanmega]

Alright, my new goal, and something I think we should all aspire to as a community, is that, when someone googles "caring for infants," this thread pops up in the top 10 hits. I think we can do it!

... Googling "Caring for Infants male" brings it up as number 9. :smalleek:

[Alent]

... Googling "Caring for Infants male" brings it up as number 9. :smalleek:

That's only because it's already in your browser history, you have to search for it incognito for a true sample. Google has a bias towards places you've already been.

[(Un)Inspired]

I just posted it in the other thread but I'd like to throw my vote in for storing the baby in a Hoard Gullet. Its a low level spell with a long duration and the baby will have plenty of space to fool around in there and stuff.

[Alent]

I just posted it in the other thread but I'd like to throw my vote in for storing the baby in a Hoard Gullet. Its a low level spell with a long duration and the baby will have plenty of space to fool around in there and stuff.

I can get behind this, especially if you do the "GET IN MAH BELLY" routine with it.

[Kalaska'Agathas]

I think that most of us are going at this the wrong way. The baby can be an excellent member of the party. Here we have Batman demonstrating the use of a baby as a masterwork intimidation tool:

http://i34.tinypic.com/sl1avn.jpg

So, I may have missed it, but what is the exact composition of this party? There are plenty of skills, feats, spells, and magic items which are useful when caring for infants, but without knowing what we've got to work with, were probably putting the cart before the horse.

[MonochromeTiger]

Back on topic, wasn't there a spell to change gender? At least that handles the all-male party.


..the scary thing is while I was looking over random topics and found this one that was my wife's first thought on the matter. and I quote "alter self, polymorph, humanoid wildshape with a house rule or prestige class, or wish/miracle, boom baby issue partially dealt with and the group has someone they can use to talk to any bards they run into later."

despite my usual enjoyment of the more evil options I have to say the idea of having an adventuring party take care of a baby sounds like it would quickly devolve into a horror-comedy sitcom.

[JHShadon]

I wonder what would happen if an all-warforged party that had no idea what a baby was found a baby in the woods.

[Drachasor]

So, I may have missed it, but what is the exact composition of this party? There are plenty of skills, feats, spells, and magic items which are useful when caring for infants, but without knowing what we've got to work with, were probably putting the cart before the horse.

We know the Druid is the only caster.


Hmm, I recommend begging the DM to let you cast Beget Bogun even though you don't have all the spells needed (beyond Beget Bogun) and aren't level 7. A lesser version that provides baby formula instead of poison. Maybe even it is bound to the baby and not you. See if he goes for it.

[Vizzerdrix]

I have it! Dismiss your animal companion and replace it with a watch spider. It's from Waterdeep: City of splendors. What you'll get is a medium sized magical beast with an int of 2. As it is already a Magical Beast, advancing its Int won't cause you any problems. Until you do, harvest its silk for diapers and baby bedding.

These things are used much in the same way as guard dogs so giving it the tricks needed to protect a kid shouldn't be too much of a stretch. What ever it can't fend off it can out climb and hide from, but honestly what bandit is going to mess with a big nanny-rantula?

Now, spiders eat by gooifying their food and slurping it down. With a casting of purify food/drink the baby should be able to handle a bit of goo as well (mix in goodberry juice for taste)

If that is too much Ick factor, then get a braxilshunty (SP?) from Races of the Wild. Halflings can get one of these goats from level 1, then milk the goat.

[Cwymbran-San]

Summon Natures Ally, summon a nursing female gorilla or other primate. Seems the closest idea to me.

[Vizzerdrix]

Summon Natures Ally, summon a nursing female gorilla or other primate. Seems the closest idea to me.

Yeah, but how many casting will it take to get the exact gorilla you need, and how many times per day to keep the kid fed?

[Meowmasterish]

If you need anything for the baby, Prestidigitation should help. It cleans up after the baby, it changes the baby's diaper, it creates milk for the baby, and it can create toys for the baby.

[Bakeru]

If you need anything for the baby, Prestidigitation should help. It cleans up after the baby, it changes the baby's diaper, it creates milk for the baby, and it can create toys for the baby.Are those Pathfinder rules? In 3.5, Pres. only changes colour and flavour of food, and anything it builds is to fragile to be used for anything and thus would be a choking hazard for a baby.

[HaikenEdge]

Alright, my new goal, and something I think we should all aspire to as a community, is that, when someone googles "caring for infants," this thread pops up in the top 10 hits. I think we can do it!

Back on topic, wasn't there a spell to change gender? At least that handles the all-male party.

Honestly, there is a bit of a disconnect between faux-medieval child-rearing and the actual limits of child-rearing that should be possible with magic. I'm about to go start another thread about the best ways to optimize child-rearing, but a whole bunch of methods pop into my mind (despite the late hour).

In fact, while I was at first joking, I think I will start that thread.:smallsmile:

You have a link to this thread?

[Bakeru]

You have a link to this thread?"[3.5] Optimized child-rearing in a magical world" (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=331024)