Advice with a problem player...

[Starchild7309]

I have a player in my group who for all intents and purposes is a decent player. A lil back story on them is that they have had a very rough patch in their real life lately and gaming is one of their few positives currently. That being said not sure what to do with them because when he does show up (rarely) he plays half assed while everyone else brings their A game. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not doing it on purpose. A few sessions back when he did show up I ended up dropping him since he played half asses and got himself in a jam (had to actually have the bad guy heal him to keep him from dying and told him to stay down and pass a message on and he jumped up and got a lucky crit killing the bad guy). I felt bad cause I know if I kill him off he is just not ever going to want to play again, but I also feel bad for everyone else in the party since I take it easy on him and have a different standard for them. I know its not fair, but not sure what I can do exactly.

I know the easy answer is to ask him not to play or just play him like everyone else, but with his personal issues going on and being a close friend I don't want to ruin something that he does enjoy with so much other crap going bad for him.

Any ideas? Am I just being too much of a softee or is he just being too whiny and dopey?

[hymer]

Maybe you can find something else you can do together? Board games spring to mind. If it's free-for-all it shouldn't be much of a problem.
In my group, his particular behaviour would get his character killed. I don't tend to pull punches on players making dumb mistakes. But I can see how it would be a problem if you think he'd rage quit if his character got killed.
But can't he be resurrected? If he gets an economic slap on the wrist when he goofs off, then there's less reason for other players to resent his behaviour.

[Particle_Man]

Death is not the end, at least not in D&D. Why not let the character be killed but in a way that they get to come back as a ghost (fated to help the party with the Major Mission before they can find rest, etc.)?

[hemming]

Well...I'm going to give some unpopular advice

Be a good friend first and a good DM second. Give it more time and see if it blows over - it doesn't sound like he is really ruining the game for everyone, just making it a bit of a hassle for you

Unless its really causing major problems for you or the other players - or is making the game not fun for anyone a good percentage of the time - just take it easy on him and relax.

[dascarletm]

If he's going through a rough time in real life, it's no surprise that he'd be distracted while playing dnd.

I have a couple suggestions that you can take with a grain of salt.

1: Put this current campaign on hold. Do a couple one shots, or let a player who fancies DMing try a turn for a few weeks. Once things blow over, resume the campaign.

2: Give him a break. Let him narrowly escape this current encounter. Then, in the future design the challenges so that he'll have it a bit easier.

Depending what is going on in his life, things may or may not get better in the near future. If that is the case just do something else on the scheduled meeting times. I would not drop him though, since I'm sure feeling left out from one of your more positive things in life will only aggravate any problems.

[Anxe]

Well...I'm going to give some unpopular advice

Be a good friend first and a good DM second. Give it more time and see if it blows over - it doesn't sound like he is really ruining the game for everyone, just making it a bit of a hassle for you

Unless its really causing major problems for you or the other players - or is making the game not fun for anyone a good percentage of the time - just take it easy on him and relax.

This is my advice too. Unless its a friendship you don't want anymore, that's probably more important.

[Fitz10019]

Also, it sounds like you assume the others have a problem with the situation. Maybe they understand hiis situation, just as you do.

Also, declare his character a narcoleptic. That'll explain a lot. Heh.

[Vogonjeltz]

Well...I'm going to give some unpopular advice

Be a good friend first and a good DM second. Give it more time and see if it blows over - it doesn't sound like he is really ruining the game for everyone, just making it a bit of a hassle for you

Unless its really causing major problems for you or the other players - or is making the game not fun for anyone a good percentage of the time - just take it easy on him and relax.

Agreed. From the point of view as a DM if the evil guy (or whoever) is a critical part of the story, it is ok to fudge things. Player gets a lucky crit? Great, just describe it as severely wounding the evil guy (maybe he actually puts a sword through him or now the evil guy has a nasty scar for future encounters), who then flees in whatever manner is most convenient to the story. Players have no access to his hp so none the wiser.

Remember, as DM nothing your players can do can actually disrupt the story because only you actually know the story in advance. Roll with the punches, so to speak.

[graeylin]

I'm going to be the unpopular guy here, but I've been on both sides of this equation, and I'll pass along my thoughts, which come from some life-saving therapy moments for me.



I have a player in my group who for all intents and purposes is a decent player.
Good. This means you want him to succeed, and you are willing to go a little further for him that a crappy player.


A lil back story on them is that they have had a very rough patch in their real life lately and gaming is one of their few positives currently. That being said not sure what to do with them because when he does show up (rarely) he plays half assed while everyone else brings their A game. I have talked to him about it and he swears he is not doing it on purpose.

Also good, you've talked to him. It's important to talk, especially if you talk to him like an average/normal person/friend. Don't treat him "special" treat him normal. Talk straight is good.

The bad part is, he isn't there all the time. What would you do if others had the same "don't show up" pattern? Do the same with him, perhaps give him one extra get out of jail card.


I felt bad cause I know if I kill him off he is just not ever going to want to play again, but I also feel bad for everyone else in the party since I take it easy on him and have a different standard for them. I know its not fair, but not sure what I can do exactly.


I know this is tough, but: How HE reacts is not your problem. In fact, you cannot control ANY part of how he feels or reacts. If he doesn't want to play again, that's on him. Nothing you can do will change it. And, if he wants to continue playing, honestly, nothing you can do will change that either. His life, his choices, are his. Not yours.

Also, treating him differently isn't good. Treat him fairly, treat him the same as the others, don't make him special. Not only will he know it and resent it, so will the others. What are you saying to them?



I know the easy answer is to ask him not to play or just play him like everyone else, but with his personal issues going on and being a close friend I don't want to ruin something that he does enjoy with so much other crap going bad for him.

Go with the easy answer: Ask him to play like the others. Take the personal issues offline, be his friend outside the game. He needs one there more than he needs coddling in a game.

Many of the other posters have great ideas. Extra time with him, other activities with him, all of those are good ideas. Even killing his PC, and bringing it back as a mentor, or killing him and having him make a new one: all good, just do what you would do for everyone else in the game, and then go out and do more for him as a friend outside the game.

[iceman10058]

Friend first, then dm. talk to him and make sure he understands that while he is going through some tough times, that while you guys are gaming things may require him to participate a little more, and if anything happens to his character, it is just a game and to trust you. maybe have the bbeg kidnap his character somehow if he feels he needs a small break and wants to sit out for a couple weeks, and the rest of the party has to go rescue him in one way or another.

[Brookshw]

Well...I'm going to give some unpopular advice

Be a good friend first and a good DM second. Give it more time and see if it blows over - it doesn't sound like he is really ruining the game for everyone, just making it a bit of a hassle for you

Unless its really causing major problems for you or the other players - or is making the game not fun for anyone a good percentage of the time - just take it easy on him and relax.

Unpopluar? That's the best advise you can give, friendship should absolutely take priority.

[Drachasor]

If he's going through a really hard time, I'd talk to the other players and ask for their understanding. I think it is important that they are willing to be compassionate here. Then talk to him about it too.

It's quite possible he's not able to focus properly on the game. Not everyone handles stress and angst the same way, and what's good for one person might be awful for someone else. There are plenty of people that need understanding and care; telling them to "toughen up" is a horrible approach.

I'd see how he feels about it. The best solution might be to put his character aside for now and give him a temporary character. Perhaps something harder to kill or less likely to get involved in direct fights. At an extreme you might pick someone cursed with immortality who wants to die (on the other hand, that might be bad depending whatever is going on in real life) -- you could work it into whatever quest or adventure the group is doing.

Perhaps something easy and straightforward to play like a Warmage or something would suit him well for now. Depending on the optimization level of the group, of course.

[Immabozo]

Well...I'm going to give some unpopular advice

Be a good friend first and a good DM second. Give it more time and see if it blows over - it doesn't sound like he is really ruining the game for everyone, just making it a bit of a hassle for you

Unless its really causing major problems for you or the other players - or is making the game not fun for anyone a good percentage of the time - just take it easy on him and relax.

This may be unpopular, or it may not, but be a friend first. It's just a game, but this is your friend, an actual human being.

Another option is to try to help him with his problems. If you want, shoot me a PM, I am rather good and accustom to helping people through problems. There are few problems you could have that I either haven't encountered before, or been through worse (personally) or helped others through

[Sam K]

From a DMing point of view, balance the encounters on the assumption that he wont be participating. It might lead to some slightly easier fights, but atleast his shaky performance wont be likely to get the party killed.

Also, try to give the guy a few wins. When you're down, what you really need is to get to feel useful. Telling someone who is going through a rough patch IRL that "Their imaginary fighting isn't up to speed" is just cruel.

[Captnq]

Start over. New campaign. New PCs. New view on things.

If that's not an option, I suggest a change of venue. Have something blow up. Intro a new badguy who attacks the old bad guy and then vanishes, leaving the bad guy wandering about going, "What the?" Bad guy flees, threat ended.

The players discover that someone went ahead and told everyone back in the city what a good job they did. Someone hired some bards to go spread the praises of how they defeated the bad guy. Any protest that they didn't do anything will be forgotten, because six bards are LITERALLY singing their praises.

They become heroes. People want to meet them. Women want to sleep with them and kings want to be them. Or vice versa. Don't care how you swing.

Then they start noticing that other bad guys are turning up dead. They keep getting the credit for things they haven't done. About three or four sessions, they will SO get the idea they are being set up for a MAJOR fall.

Turns out the bad guy IS trying to do just that. Kill all his rivals, get the PCs in positions of power. Get everyone to think the players are the heroes of the ages.

Then he plans on publically murdering them to demoralize the nation he seeks to take over.

This gives the PCs a few sessions of screwing around and having fun. Not quite as stressful as combat, and it buys you time.

[iceman10058]

Start over. New campaign. New PCs. New view on things.

If that's not an option, I suggest a change of venue. Have something blow up. Intro a new badguy who attacks the old bad guy and then vanishes, leaving the bad guy wandering about going, "What the?" Bad guy flees, threat ended.

The players discover that someone went ahead and told everyone back in the city what a good job they did. Someone hired some bards to go spread the praises of how they defeated the bad guy. Any protest that they didn't do anything will be forgotten, because six bards are LITERALLY singing their praises.

They become heroes. People want to meet them. Women want to sleep with them and kings want to be them. Or vice versa. Don't care how you swing.

Then they start noticing that other bad guys are turning up dead. They keep getting the credit for things they haven't done. About three or four sessions, they will SO get the idea they are being set up for a MAJOR fall.

Turns out the bad guy IS trying to do just that. Kill all his rivals, get the PCs in positions of power. Get everyone to think the players are the heroes of the ages.

Then he plans on publically murdering them to demoralize the nation he seeks to take over.

This gives the PCs a few sessions of screwing around and having fun. Not quite as stressful as combat, and it buys you time.

i really like this idea, i may use it in a game of my own lol

[Starchild7309]

Thank you all for the advice. I think what I am going to do is talk to the rest of the group and see how they feel. My player in question seems to not want to confront the subject of his inability or lack of reliability in showing up and his totally illogical behavior in game. He is a friend to all of us, and when he is not there, he gets run as an NPC, and has been helpful in combat, but we run a fairly high r/p game and at least one other player has mentioned his frustration. The player in question is supposedly the face of the party and since he is run NPC more often than not it falls on others who did not build their character to be the face to stumble through and to me to force what should be easily discoverable plot lines back into the game where they can be found in different ways. From what I am hearing and what I feel its frustrating to a lot of people as of late, not just me.