Friendly banter vs. flirting

[Jamees]

Friendly banter vs. flirting?

Yesterday something was said to me by a cute blond girl. It was then I realized I have absolutely no clue how to tell the difference between the two. In the moment I dismissed it as just being friendly because I currently have a crush on someone else and now if I'm wrong its a good thing.

And by now your probably wondering what was said, but first let me set the scene. It was yesterday when I was at fencing practice, we had a few too many people so while others were fencing and judging a match two people were sitting on the side waiting, at this moment, me and her. There was a row of chairs to sit in and she sat near me (one empty chair between us) and said "it must be slippery to fence in vans". That conversation lasted about 30 seconds before one of us had to go up and fence. Once again, I dismissed this as just being a friendly person but it got me thinking. What does flirting look like or sound like? I can't think of a single time in my life where it was clear (to me) someone was flirting with me, there have been times where I realized hours, days, or even weeks later but never in the moment.
http://www.bediro.com/images/3/w1.png
Anyway I've said enough but simply how do you tell the difference between someone who is just a being friendly and someone who is flirting?

[Flickerdart]

Well if it's fencing, I can think of a wide array of crude puns that will make it pretty clear.

[Mauve Shirt]

No one flirts in Friendly Banter, we are a flirting-free zone.

If I recall correctly, the difference between banter and flirting depends on 1. the flirting skill of the person, and 2. the width of the smile, if it's a female. It is beneficial for females to smile at what you're saying.

In your case, you'll probably run into her again, and if she's really after you she might make it more obvious if you continue a course of uncertainty. Or she might give up.

HEY. ASK HER OUT!

[KillianHawkeye]

Unfortunately, the only way to tell for certain is to flirt back and see if she's into it or if she gets offended.

[Knaight]

I generally just assume that I'm not being flirted at. It handles the grey areas nicely, and if someone is flirting they'll probably continue to do so long enough for it to become obvious.

[GoblinArchmage]

Is it slippery to fence in Vans, though? I think that's the most pressing matter here.

[blunk]

A lot of smiling and eye contact are good signs. Preening is also an old standard, though maybe a little over-the-top today.

[Dallas-Dakota]

If she laughs at your bad jokes, smiles a lot and you have a lot of eye-contact then you have three very good signs that she's interested in you.

[Rain Dragon]

It seems to me that a lot of flirting is in the tone of voice and body language.

I could be entirely wrong though. Being someone who is not comfortable with close contact early on in the game, it's apparently very difficult to tell if I'm flirting or not.

It also doesn't help that my expression and vocal tone doesn't change too much to people who don't know me...

Anyway, back to the topic. Yeah, a lot of it's in /how/ the message is delivered more than the message itself.

[banthesun]

I thought this was going to be a discussion of what Friendly Banter thought of flirting (possibly in the vein of 'world without x' since that seems to be popular), but hey, advice thread is fine too. :smalltongue:

Honestly, in this situation I don't really think it matters, just be friendly back. If she is flirting it should become clear sooner or later, if not, you've just made a new friend. Other people have been giving some good general advice too.

[Eldan]

Is it slippery to fence in Vans, though? I think that's the most pressing matter here.

Is there a second meaning of the word I'm not familiar with or did you fence in teh back of large automobiles? :smallconfused:

[Kalmageddon]

Is there a second meaning of the word I'm not familiar with or did you fence in teh back of large automobiles? :smallconfused:

Hey look, I'm not the only one that was utterly confused. :smallconfused:

[Mauve Shirt]

It's a brand/style of shoes. :smalltongue:

[Aedilred]

Is there a second meaning of the word I'm not familiar with or did you fence in teh back of large automobiles? :smallconfused:
I thought "fencing" in the back seat was a fairly well-established tradition...

[Grinner]

Is there a second meaning of the word I'm not familiar with or did you fence in teh back of large automobiles? :smallconfused:

Use your head.

(No, the other head.)

[Kalmageddon]

I thought "fencing" in the back seat was a fairly well-established tradition...

Right, I still don't get it.
The girl sits next to him and comments that it must get slippery fencing in a van. Either referring to a pair of shoes or to the back of a van.
In the first case, I don't get it. "It must get slippery fencing in this kind of shoes". So? :smallconfused:
In the second case, it could have been a sexual innuendo, as in, having sex in the back of a van. I get how this could potentially be used as flirting, except that the conversation took place in what I assume to be a fencing gym, with no vans in sight to make the double entendre work.
I mean, if she was going for that she could have used literally any place or situation to have "slippery fencing" in, like a bed, a car, a toilet, whatever could potentially be used as the location for a sexual encounter. There's no conncetion to the situation at hand except for the "fencing" part.
If that was meant as an invitation to have sex, couldn't she have said "it must get slippery to fence in the locker room"? I assume there would have been a locker room available if her intention was having sex then and there and this kind of innuendo would have been far more effective.
Or maybe Jamees owns a van and she knew that? Or she owns a van that was parked outside?

Or maybe I'm overthinking this? It's just that I don't see the situation presented in the OP as effective flirting. It's just random/awkward. :smallconfused:

[Aedilred]

Right, I still don't get it.
Well my comment was just a straightforward joke based on the idea of fencing in the back of automobiles.


The girl sits next to him and comments that it must get slippery fencing in a van. Either referring to a pair of shoes or to the back of a van.
In the first case, I don't get it. "It must get slippery fencing in this kind of shoes". So? :smallconfused:
This seems the most probable interpretation, since it's pretty much the only one that makes sense unless there's more context the OP isn't giving us. However, approaching him and trying to make conversation could be seen as an attempt at beginning flirting... or not. It really depends on a lot of factors we can't judge from the content of her statement, which is pretty neutral.

[erikun]

I would assume that the person is just being friendly and trying to get to know you better. Which is fine by me, as I wouldn't be much interested in flirting with someone without getting to know them better anyways. :smalltongue:

[GoblinArchmage]

I'm pretty sure that the OP was referring to the shoes. I wasn't highlighting what I thought was an innuendo; I was just being facetious.

[Coidzor]

I thought "fencing" in the back seat was a fairly well-established tradition...

Bonobos do most of their "fencing" in the trees, I had thought. :smallconfused:

[blunk]

"It must get slippery fencing in this kind of shoes". So? :smallconfused:It's... just a way to start a conversation.

[Kalmageddon]

It's... just a way to start a conversation.

Right, that's what it seems like. And yet the OP seems to imply that it could have been flirting, somehow, which I find strange.
This seems to be a case of "this girl aknowledges I exist, she must be flirting" syndrome.

[Rain Dragon]

Right, that's what it seems like. And yet the OP seems to imply that it could have been flirting, somehow, which I find strange.
This seems to be a case of "this girl aknowledges I exist, she must be flirting" syndrome.

This is the most probable. Alas, we are likely to never know for sure.

[Iruka]

Right, that's what it seems like. And yet the OP seems to imply that it could have been flirting, somehow, which I find strange.
This seems to be a case of "this girl aknowledges I exist, she must be flirting" syndrome.

Well, it could have been flirting. It is hard to conclude anything from such a short description of a single incident.

[Socratov]

Well, after 4 nights of intensive research on friendly banter, crude puns and flirting I can say that the two are well connected and often the same. Factors in deciding wether it's one or the other are amongst others:


alcohol
social circumstance
posture
how horny people are (crude, but true)


You can often differentiate between the two by a well placed crude pun. Mind you, this carries some risk as you can offend the other party. Play the pun juuuust right and she'll give away exactly what her intentions are. (Or, so it worked for me at least)

[Knaight]

This seems to be a case of "this girl aknowledges I exist, she must be flirting" syndrome.

There's also the matter of there being a sort of odd cultural assumption that people who look good (e.g are 'cute') are likely to be flirting when they say something, whereas the exact same statement delivered the exact same way from someone who isn't particularly good looking won't be interpreted that way.

[Socratov]

Right, that's what it seems like. And yet the OP seems to imply that it could have been flirting, somehow, which I find strange.
This seems to be a case of "this girl aknowledges I exist, she must be flirting" syndrome.


There's also the matter of there being a sort of odd cultural assumption that people who look good (e.g are 'cute') are likely to be flirting when they say something, whereas the exact same statement delivered the exact same way from someone who isn't particularly good looking won't be interpreted that way.

and then there is the phenomenon that some people are a natural flirt: i.e. they come across as flirty ven when they don't really intend to. However, most of these persons know it and pretend they don't or at least complain they are always hit on. which is a different problem altogether. Just, when in doubt, flirt back. if the other person doesn't reciprocate in kind you'll know s/he is not flirting at you. By the way, by this I mean flirting as the harmless very lightly teasing sort of conversation. Not any behaviour going beyond that.

[Coidzor]

I was once accused of flirting with everyone as part of my natural mode of communication back in the days before I was a forever alone and had girlfriends and things.

Now that there are actually people I'd like to flirt with and be able to do something about it if it escalated, I apparently can't do it. XD

[Socratov]

I was once accused of flirting with everyone as part of my natural mode of communication back in the days before I was a forever alone and had girlfriends and things.

Now that there are actually people I'd like to flirt with and be able to do something about it if it escalated, I apparently can't do it. XD

start flirting a little bit with everything in sight again (even if you don't really fancy them). Just a little charm here and there and you will appear more confident and trying hard (which counters your ability to flirt). I don't know if it's the definite solution, but it worked for me. Even if it doesn't get you anywhere immediately, it will make people like you more in general. I also found that cashiers make excellent targets to practice on. Flirting with them is actually the reason I never use one of those self-checkout machines. I enjoy flirting with the cashiers too much :smallcool:

[Synovia]

There's also the matter of there being a sort of odd cultural assumption that people who look good (e.g are 'cute') are likely to be flirting when they say something, whereas the exact same statement delivered the exact same way from someone who isn't particularly good looking won't be interpreted that way.


As far as I'm concerned, flirting is pleasant banter towards someone you find attractive.

Better looking looking people get away with more things. If Brad Pitt tells a 20-something coed that she looks beautiful, she probably blushes and smiles. If the homeless guy who smells like whiskey says it, she thinks its creepy.

Which is why these things are so hard to define.

[Kalmageddon]

and then there is the phenomenon that some people are a natural flirt: i.e. they come across as flirty ven when they don't really intend to..

As a variation, there are people who simply enjoy flirting, but that doesn't mean they are actually interested in the people they flirt with, so it doesn't mean much.

[Socratov]

As a variation, there are people who simply enjoy flirting, but that doesn't mean they are actually interested in the people they flirt with, so it doesn't mean much.

we have a name for those/us: tease :smallbiggrin:

[Jay R]

This thread is based on the false assumptions that there is a clear, unambiguous dividing line between friendly banter and flirting, and that it would serve your purposes to know which side of that line she was on.

There isn't. And it wouldn't.

Friendly banter is having fun talking to somebody I really like being with.

By contrast, flirting is having fun talking to somebody I really like being with.

There's a long continuous line between them, and the best flirting is the flirting that was friendly banter last month, and kept going because you both enjoyed it.

My recommendation is to flirt/banter with her next several times you see her, and establish firmly how much you enjoy her company, and how much she enjoys yours, before you start even considering which it is.

In short: if you want to be friends with her, the best approach is to treat her like a friend.

But if you are interested in forming a possible romantic relationship with her, then the most effective step one is to treat her like a friend.

[The Prince of Cats]

As a variation, there are people who simply enjoy flirting, but that doesn't mean they are actually interested in the people they flirt with, so it doesn't mean much.
As my wife explained to me: "It wouldn't have been flirting if I ever actually slept with them."

Flirting can be fun, but it often means nothing more that someone likes to flirt. My wife (before we got together) flirted with gay men a lot because she liked the attention without the expectations.

As others have said though, just assume it's innocent. If you want to flirt back, go ahead, but don't be crude about it. As long as you have no expectations (and if you are even thinking the phrase 'friend zone' then I recommend seppuku) then you should just go with it, make a friend and play it all by ear.

[Scarlet Knight]

The two are so similar, I can only say this: When I am enjoying the play on words, it is friendly banter. When I am enjoying that I have the attention of the other conversant, it is flirting.

Plus flirting can included non verbal signs such as hair twirling or eye batting, while friendly banter is only verbal.

[The Succubus]

Friendly banter clearly wins, on the basis that we don't have a flirting thread.

[Duck999]

Plus flirting can included non verbal signs such as hair twirling or eye batting, while friendly banter is only verbal.

Friendly banter has hand motions, along with some other things if you are imitating or doing an impersonation.:smallbiggrin:

[bmosley45]

These days, you gotta be really careful about flirting and what might be perceived as flirting - - just assume she's being friendly and leave it there unless she makes a really bold move. I'm not advocating being a wimp or "beta" dude, but I am just trying to give advice that will keep you out of trouble. Yes, flirting as a dude can get you into trouble, whether you flirt "right" or do it all "wrong". I've seen both play out poorly.

Play it safe, dude.

[Kalmageddon]

Yes, flirting as a dude can get you into trouble, whether you flirt "right" or do it all "wrong". I've seen both play out poorly.

Play it safe, dude.

How? :smallconfused:
I mean, save for the occasional stuck up person that might give you a stare and an "excuse me?", what's the worst that could reasonably happen?

[bmosley45]

I know it probably doesn't hold much weight because I'm pretty much saying "I saw this happen to a guy, once, I swear!" but that incident really stuck with me;

I used to work with a dude who had a crush on a girl in the office and he built up the courage to flirt and then ask her out, only to have her go to HR and file a harassment complaint. As far as I can tell, the dude didn't do anything gross or shameful, but she just took that and ran with it. The thing is, that is not the only time I heard something similar to this.

That's what I mean. There are a lot of grey areas with what constitutes as flirting, and what might be totally okay for someone could set off something (in the wrong way) for another person.

I don't know how things are at fencing practice, but I see the wisdom in playing it safe and just waiting for more unambiguous signs from her to make sure everything is cool to flirt back.



How? :smallconfused:
I mean, save for the occasional stuck up person that might give you a stare and an "excuse me?", what's the worst that could reasonably happen?

[Skippy]

Here's a tip from someone who has overanalyzed stuff like this for years before becoming a weird loner: Don't overanalyze it. Ask her out. If she says yes, you have a conversation topic for your date, ie "hey, that time about the vans, were you flirting? I totally though you were..." and if she says no, well, then you know that she wasn't. Maybe she wasn't, anyway, but she'll say yes anyway, if you're lucky. That should make the conversation about it even more fun.

Don't fret about it, man. Take the risk. Believe me, it's worth it.

[Scarlet Knight]

...I used to work with a dude who had a crush on a girl in the office and he built up the courage to flirt and then ask her out, only to have her go to HR and file a harassment complaint. As far as I can tell, the dude didn't do anything gross or shameful, but she just took that and ran with it. The thing is, that is not the only time I heard something similar to this....
I don't know how things are at fencing practice, but I see the wisdom in playing it safe and just waiting for more unambiguous signs from her to make sure everything is cool to flirt back.

Since we're discussing fencing practice, I assume the two are still in school and HR rules don't apply.

Also, I just finished a course on harassment in the work place, and picked up a bit.

a) Most jobs know romance may occur. The big problems come from requests by a superior where a worker may fear consequences of refusing.
b) Between coworkers, the advance must be "unwanted". Thus, if she wants to date you, it is not harassment, it's simply a date.
c) If she does not, you are not harassing her if you stop when she tells you she is uninterested in dating you.

And yes, we all have seen where none of this matters when the people involved do not act reasonably.

[The Prince of Cats]

It might sound like a slightly cowardly move but is there anyone else there you could sidle up to and ask 'is she flirting with me?' because someone else who knows you both would make for a better second-opinion than a bunch of strangers on-line.

I once had to do that and was lucky enough to be told that a) she was, but b) she was in a committed relationship and didn't mean anything by it.

[HumbleLioness]

"kindness is so rare these days that people often mistake it for flirting" - i forgot the source

to me it sounds like she's being friendly and perhaps doesn't have many friends outside of this class/ is using this time to socialise but is normally shy, so used an obscure reference to break the ice.

you're over thinking it, especially if you have a thing for someone else, who you should ask out rather than this one.

[Themrys]

Well, after 4 nights of intensive research on friendly banter, crude puns and flirting I can say that the two are well connected and often the same. Factors in deciding wether it's one or the other are amongst others:


alcohol
social circumstance
posture
how horny people are (crude, but true)


You can often differentiate between the two by a well placed crude pun. Mind you, this carries some risk as you can offend the other party. Play the pun juuuust right and she'll give away exactly what her intentions are. (Or, so it worked for me at least)

If people are drunk enough, they'll laugh about everything. Including crude puns.

Actually, they don't even have to be drunk. Just happy and in the mood to laugh.

[Socratov]

If people are drunk enough, they'll laugh about everything. Including crude puns.

Actually, they don't even have to be drunk. Just happy and in the mood to laugh.

that's why I said it factors into the equation, not stated to be paramount in the process.It certainly helps though

[Glodart]

Dear OP, it is with great sadness that I announce you that you are thinking like me. English is not my native language, so I have no idea what fencing is, but nevertheless. Every time someone acknowledges my existence, (by greeting me in the corridor for example) I assume they have an ulterior motive, because I grew up to be disliked by the common folk. Since I do not know what they want with me and do not desire any deep relationship with anyone female (Since I am socially awkward and have a charisma score below 7), I tend to avoid people I do not know well who is being friendly to me. This leads to the fact that I look grumpy and antisocial.
Do not be me, act friendly, that is my advice for you

[ForzaFiori]

Since I've seen it pop up a few times, for the non-native english speakers reading, fencing is controlled swordfighting, essentially, done with one of three swords (the epee, foil, or saber), and is an Olympic sport. Here's the wikipedia page (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fencing), if your more interested. Vans is a clothing maker most famous for their shoes. Here's their website (http://www.vans.com/), and they have some pictures of their shoe's on the front page.

I also have a question about flirting - how exactly does a person flirt? I'm... really horrible at it, both flirting with a girl, and knowing when she's flirting with me. Thanks to this thread I might be a bit better at knowing when someone is interested in me, but I still have no idea how to let someone else know I'm into them, aside from just walking up and telling them (which, trust me, doesn't go over as well as most people think it will, unless you look like Brad Pitt), which leads to most of my attempts at relationships being asking out random people I think are hot, having absolutely no idea if they even know I'm into them or if they're into me. Needless to say, it's not the most effective way of trying to find a date.

[Lissou]

I also have a question about flirting - how exactly does a person flirt?

From what I understand, it's basically joking and kidding with someone while also complimenting them, and finding some excuse or other to either touch them or plan to see each other again.

I'm very bad at realising people are flirting, either. I'm also very bad at not flirting, apparently, as people keep thinking I'm flirting with them when I have no intention of doing so.

[AtomicKitKat]

From personal history, I'm bad at differentiating the two, but apparently, I'm "charming" at sales. Go figure.

Based on what I've observed about myself, it seems like I get better reactions if I'm patient enough to explain everything, even the most "obvious to all but those with an Int score of 1" aspects of the product. There have been times where I throw the Charisma score out the window(ie, lost my temper), but that's because:

A: The fellow spends an inordinate amount of time for the amount of money he's willing to spend(ie, more than 3-5 minutes to the dollar.)
B: He's been here many times, ALWAYS asking if product X or Y has a discount, when he's been told repeatedly that that brand has no discount.
c: He's just plain got a grumpy/sulky/basset hound expression 90% of the time, even when he's supposedly giving the "smile of acknowledgement"(which really, should be a given when you enter the store. It's just plain rude to ignore the existence of the staff if they're looking right at you as you enter).

Err, where was I? Oh yes. Apparently, it's only "putting on the charm" when you're doing it to someone of the same gender(unless you're into them and it's obvious, like it's a gay bar or something), while it's flirting if they're of the opposite gender. At least, by default. I guess it's the other way around if one is homosexual.

[Kalmageddon]

From what I understand, it's basically joking and kidding with someone while also complimenting them, and finding some excuse or other to either touch them or plan to see each other again.

This is probably the most unflattering description of the act of flirting I've ever seen in my life! :smallbiggrin:

Anyway, I would say that flirting is some sort of light hearted seduction, subtle but noticeable, enough to tickle the imagination of the person you are flirting with but not enough to be out of place or uncomfortable in case they are not into it. It's supposed to be plesant experience for everyone involved regardless if the other person actually reciprocates.
Basically, it's the art of being seductive while also being natural and friendly.

[lio45]

... I still have no idea how to let someone else know I'm into them, aside from just walking up and telling them (which, trust me, doesn't go over as well as most people think it will, unless you look like Brad Pitt)

Actually, even if you look like Brad Pitt, that kind of direct and superficial approach will likely get you tagged as a total douchebag from the start... Not recommended, unless you're just looking for something quick in a club or bar and don't mind getting some 'no's before you eventually manage to get a 'yes'. (It's not everyone who can shrug off rejection like that.)


From the rest of your post, my advice would be to start making genuine female friends without anything else in mind at this time. (I'm assuming you're still at school.) After you have somewhat of a circle of friends/acquaintances, it will be easier to get dates. Keep in mind that your first dates and first gf are unlikely to turn out to be Mrs Right, but you have to start somewhere.

[Themrys]

Actually, even if you look like Brad Pitt, that kind of direct and superficial approach will likely get you tagged as a total douchebag from the start... Not recommended, unless you're just looking for something quick in a club or bar and don't mind getting some 'no's before you eventually manage to get a 'yes'. (It's not everyone who can shrug off rejection like that.)

It depends. If you do it with people who have no idea whatsoever about social norms, you could be successful. If you're handsome. If you're not ... well, people who don't know you judge you from your appearance, which may or may not be what you want.

(I have been approached by men five years my minors who told me that their shy friend is into me. I find that kind of thing amusing and actually talk with those guys. Not that anything has ever come from it, but I don't judge people - I know that I have no manners myself.)

[RandomNPC]

Interesting topic. Here's my two copper.

I wear a wedding ring all the time, and make no attempt to hide my marriage. I say things like "we" and "us" a lot when talking about home life, my son comes up a lot, can't help it, he's my kid after all.

One day at a boffer fight (Foam weapon medieval combat) I got into a conversation with a cute petite brunette. We wound up standing in the parking lot talking for about a half hour after everyone else left, I was thinking "Awesome, new friend!" until she asked who "us" was. I said "Wife and son" and she goes "Oh" turns around and walks home. Couldn't get a response from her, she ignored me and walked off.

So make friends where you can, and I guess keep it in the back of your skull that it may be there, but don't expect it from everyone. There's no easy way to point at any situation and say "That one's flirting, that one's not."

[lio45]

It depends. If you do it with people who have no idea whatsoever about social norms, you could be successful. If you're handsome. If you're not ... well, people who don't know you judge you from your appearance, which may or may not be what you want.

Well, needless to say, it absolutely does depend :) There are all kinds of people out there, for every possible approach one can think of, no matter how cheesy, dumb, or douchebaggy, it's probably possible to manage to find someone (and likely way more than only one) with whom it can actually work.

Also absolutely depends on what you're looking for. For example, the Jersey Shore guys will be "successful" plenty of times, but likely never with my kind of Mrs Right.



I have been approached by men five years my minors who told me that their shy friend is into me. I find that kind of thing amusing and actually talk with those guys.

I have a hard time believing some people actually do that...! Wow.

I'm a bit like you, I generally never refuse date offers... I don't mind talking with people even if I'm actually not interested.

[ForzaFiori]

From the rest of your post, my advice would be to start making genuine female friends without anything else in mind at this time. (I'm assuming you're still at school.) After you have somewhat of a circle of friends/acquaintances, it will be easier to get dates. Keep in mind that your first dates and first gf are unlikely to turn out to be Mrs Right, but you have to start somewhere.


I'm not in school any more, but I do have genuine female friends. Most of the people who I ask out are, if not my friends, at least acquaintances I'm friendly with. There's no way I'd just walk up to some random girl and ask her out. The problem is, without being able to tell if your female friend is into you (and being unsure if you're letting them know, since I have no idea how to flirt or if I am or anything like that) you get a whole lot of what a more douche-y person than me would call being friend-zoned. And before anyone attacks me, yes, I realize that everyone has the right to just be friends with someone. No, I"m not mad that my female friends just want to be my friend. No, I don't expect sex or a relationship just for being nice. But just cause I'm not a douche doesn't mean that it's fun when you tell you friend your interested in them, and they say they think of you like a brother, or that they would hate to ruin your friendship. I just need a word to describe when your interested in a friend of yours, and they aren't interested in you, and the main reason they give is either "I don't want to ruin our friendship" or "your like a brother to me".

[Themrys]

I just need a word to describe when your interested in a friend of yours, and they aren't interested in you, and the main reason they give is either "I don't want to ruin our friendship" or "your like a brother to me".

Do you really think the only reason they don't want a relationship with you is because you're friends? I don't really believe that that happens. (Unless maybe they're the kind of person who can't have healthy romantic relationships and hate all their exes. Or the kind of person who thinks you can be either friends or lovers, but not both)

More likely, they like you a lot, but aren't sexually attracted to you, and don't want to insult you by telling you that you just aren't sexy.
(Isn't that what "You are like a brother to me" means? I mean, look at Anne of Cleves. Poor woman was so ugly that Henry VIII didn't want to marry her. She did, however, get the title of "the king's beloved sister". In other words, she was "friendzoned" and it was NOT because she was "too nice".)

[Lissou]

Do you really think the only reason they don't want a relationship with you is because you're friends? I don't really believe that that happens. (Unless maybe they're the kind of person who can't have healthy romantic relationships and hate all their exes. Or the kind of person who thinks you can be either friends or lovers, but not both)

More likely, they like you a lot, but aren't sexually attracted to you, and don't want to insult you by telling you that you just aren't sexy.
(Isn't that what "You are like a brother to me" means? I mean, look at Anne of Cleves. Poor woman was so ugly that Henry VIII didn't want to marry her. She did, however, get the title of "the king's beloved sister". In other words, she was "friendzoned" and it was NOT because she was "too nice".)

Absolutely. The "you're like a brother to me" and "I don't want to ruin our friendship" really only are "I'm not interested in dating you", but with the intent not to hurt you enough that you stop being friends. If you hit on them and you were not friends, they would probably just tell you to get lost, or find another reason to refuse ("I'm not really interested in a relationship right now...")
Tons of people end up dating someone they're friends with, after rejecting other people they were also friends with. And it's not necessarily through any fault, either. It doesn't mean you're "too ugly". Could just be that there is no chemistry from their point of view. Or that you're not compatible in some other way, which they know because they know you well, what with being friends and all.

So really, the word for that is being rejected. I don't think it needs a separate fancy word based on what exact relationship you have with the person who rejected you.

[lio45]

I just need a word to describe when your interested in a friend of yours, and they aren't interested in you, and the main reason they give is either "I don't want to ruin our friendship" or "your like a brother to me".

Actually two words, not one. "Unrequited interest".

And as pointed out already by two people in a row, those reasons are BS. It's just a polite way to say "You're a nice person, but I'm just not interested in dating you, for whatever reason."



Dating actually doesn't ruin friendships IMO. In a way I'm actually closer friends with both my first and second ex than we were before we dated. (I spent two years with each. Two shared years will help two people bond, moreso than two years of friendship, even if they end up choosing to break up later.)

If dating a friend manages to ruin your friendship, it's because one of you (or both) messed up and treated the other badly; messing up can ruin friendships but it has nothing to do with dating.

[Knaight]

Dating actually doesn't ruin friendships IMO. In a way I'm actually closer friends with both my first and second ex than we were before we dated. (I spent two years with each. Two shared years will help two people bond, moreso than two years of friendship, even if they end up choosing to break up later.)

It depends. For some people it can be disastrous, though I've noticed that they tend to have friendships implode with some frequency anyways. It's far from a guarantee though, and the idea that one should hate all of their exes would be laughable if it didn't cause so much societal damage.

[dehro]

I thought "fencing" in the back seat was a fairly well-established tradition...

only if both parties are male, I understand.

but I see that the author of this thread managed to get himself banned.. so ..

[Duck999]

but I see that the author of this thread managed to get himself banned.. so ..

We can still discuss this for others, and the owner can still look at the thread to get answers to their question, unless there is a forum rule I completely and totally forgot about in my stupidity.