View Full Version : TPAY/TPBY Positive wish-twisting thread - because not all genies are jerkasses

Targ Collective
2014-03-08, 10:19 PM
I've been resisting the temptation to start this thread for a while, but decided it's time to let it happen. The basic premise of this thread is to twist wishes in a positive, constructive, benevolent way, so it's very different from other wish twisting threads. (The title has been designed as explicit but still, don't get them confused.)

I'll start.

I wish there was a thread for positive genies to hang out.

2014-03-09, 05:08 PM
It happens, but you also get other wish-granting creatures joining in.

I wish Laurin <> Miron would be canon (For those unfamiliar with homestuck, <> = platonic, adorable soulmates)

2014-03-09, 11:18 PM
Sure thing! In the process, OOTS ends up introducing all four of the Greek quadrants (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love). Earth Human romance sure is weird!

In the spirit of doing the opposite of what the other thread does, I was going to wish for something so terrible that there was no way to twist it positively, but after the fifth minute or so I started asking what the heck I was doing...

So, I'll just wish to be better at faking accents instead!

Lord Raziere
2014-03-09, 11:23 PM
Granted, you become so good at it that people offer you to voice the characters. ALL the characters. and you soon become rich because of it

I wish that my computer worked better.

2014-03-10, 09:10 AM
Granted! You are now in exclusive possession of Deep Thought (and it listens to you and provides meaningful answers).

I wish for a pair of unbreakable sunglasses.

Targ Collective
2014-03-10, 09:50 AM
A pair of unbreakable* sunglasses appear in your hands. As a bonus the idea behind making them is so obvious in retrospect that you reverse-engineer them, patent them, and grow rich from selling them as, among other things, action movie props.

*not proof against heat-death of universe

vReally? Okay.

*whispers intently to genie*


2014-03-10, 09:59 AM
Your wish is granted! Since you didn't wish for anything, the genie decides to reward you for your humility and give you three more wishes!

I wish for a better computer!

2014-03-10, 02:16 PM
You get a better computer, and a device allowing you to suck all of your documents, apps, etc off your old one and put them on your new one!

I wish I had a never-ending bottle of mango aloe vera juice.

Targ Collective
2014-03-10, 03:01 PM
You get it and it's of such high quality that it swiftly becomes your favourite drink. Also, any dinner parties you host are considered great successes for the drink alone.

I wish for fulfilment. For EVERYONE. Except those who don't want fulfilment I suppose. EDIT: Whoops, I also wish to get away with breaking the three-post rule. Again.

2014-03-16, 06:12 PM
Granted and granted! The people who didn't want it get it too, it's just a matter of figuring out what the proper definition of fulfillment is for them.

I wish to prioritize my activities more effectively.

2014-03-17, 08:21 PM
Granted. You find yourself in possession of an interesting sense for when you are taking a path against your interests.

I wish to possess the exalted charm 'god mind algorithms'*.

*As defined in Shards of the Exalted Dream, the charm permanently enhances the bearer such that any computer they use has unlimited battery life and a perfect internet connection.

2014-03-18, 05:27 AM
You possess the charm, and your computer runs really fast and won't break!

I wish for a huuuuge OOTS cuddle puddle.

2014-04-02, 05:06 AM
You find yourself at a time-travellers' convention specifically set up for members of the Order of the Stick forums.
318 different timeline versions of myself, 127 different time periodic versions of myself, and near infinite numbers of the other members all line up for a massive cuddle puddle.
The resulting time paradox implodes the universe and reforms it, granting all humans natural immortality, time travel ability, and immunity to paradox. Resulting in more cuddle puddles for Socksy.

I wish that there actually were an afterlife, and that those in the afterlife could visit us, so I could see my dead relatives again.

2014-04-02, 10:37 AM
I wish that there actually were an afterlife, and that those in the afterlife could visit us, so I could see my dead relatives again.

Granted. They even bring back ancestors you've never met.

(Let's test this new genie's benevolence. When I tried wishing this with the malevolent wish granting thread, I got turned into a girl)

I wish I knew how girls think.

Targ Collective
2014-04-02, 02:13 PM
Granted. You are now a Master of female psychology.

I wish something good would happen. Like ice-cream!

2014-04-02, 11:18 PM
Is found to be able to break the laws of thermodynamics and be endlessly created by some scientific process or another.
Ergo, Infinite Ice-Cream/Energy for EVERYONE
World Hunger Cured.

In other news, I wish that clowns NEVER EXISTED. EVER. IN ANY TIMELINE.
Apart from Banjthulu

2014-04-04, 06:56 PM
:vaarsuvius:: I am not certain that I understand. If clowns were never to exist in any timeline, then which iteration of yourself would know to-

:mad:: Just do it!

:vaarsuvius:: Sigh. Very well.

The timeline is altered such that, from some point in early human history, the notion of disguising one's facial features with such things as wigs and makeup has always been considered anathema. Wearing so much as a stage mask elicits an anger response and an impulse to reveal whatever is hidden. The taboo has persisted to the modern day, where disguises of any kind are considered poor manners even in international espionage, much less children's entertainment.

Though the paradigm has a number of debatable implications, such as in the field of animation where a number of concerned parents have no doubt taken offense to voice actors hiding behind colorful avatars, the overall effect of the wish on society has proven positive. Many of the more irritating tendencies that plague the cosmetic, media and fashion industries of other iterations of existence have never had occasion to arise, and many heinous crimes that would have been executed perfectly with even a small disguise were effectively prevented.

...and, of course, your own petty grudge against an unfeasible circus profession is now sated.

I wish for a new computer.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2014-04-05, 06:21 PM
Granted. It even has a keyboard perfectly designed for firearm-based manipulation (initially conceived for FPS action heroes, it has been approved for use in the public)! And look, all your favourite games are already insta--no, nope, can't do it. Can't twist the wish that positively. It goes against my very soul. Ummm... three of your favourite games are already installed? Fine.

I wish I could reach this itch I have.

Targ Collective
2014-04-05, 06:31 PM
Granted! But the itch is your penance for being half-hearted in your positivity, so it makes little difference.

The itch has been moved to an easy-to-scratch spot. It has also been intensified as penance.

This wish is overwhelmingly positive as the more positive you are in granting wishes here, the more the itch will recede, until gone completely. Once gone the itch will not return.

I wish more people understood tonal language so I could have fun toning at them.

V Ninja'd! If you don't edit I request the next genie to grant both our wishes.

2014-04-05, 06:31 PM
Granted. It even has a keyboard perfectly designed for firearm-based manipulation (initially conceived for FPS action heroes, it has been approved for use in the public)! And look, all your favourite games are already insta--no, nope, can't do it. Can't twist the wish that positively. It goes against my very soul. Ummm... three of your favourite games are already installed? Fine.

I wish I could reach this itch I have.

Granted. You gain elastic powers like Mister Fantastic or Elastigirl.

(Let's test this genie's benevolence again. This time with a wish that'll be tough to spin positively)

I wish I looked like Justin Bieber.

v Oddly enough, I actually speak some Mandarin. Took 4 years in high school.

2014-04-05, 11:51 PM
Granted! The inevitable case of mistaken identity is cleared up fairly quickly, but between the two of you it turns out that you have the superior singing and songwriting ability, not to mention a knack for tonal languages. You produce a number of popular albums encouraging a generation of teenage girls to pick up Mandarin. The pop-culture association between tonal languages and sexiness also gives Targ Collective an unexpected edge on the dating scene.

I wish for fun and games.

Lord Raziere
2014-04-06, 01:54 AM
Granted, you get a new video game you've always wanted and you have lots of fun with it, prompting you to recommend it to everyone you know, who also have fun with it.

anyone up for a challenge? lets if you twist THIS wish positively:
I wish to destroy the world.

2014-04-06, 03:29 AM
Granted! Someone also wished for this in the other thread, though, so it doesn't work out quite as intended; everyone just ends up joining together and building another, better world in its place. A lot of people overcome old prejudices in the process, and social disparities are resolved almost by accident. Nobody so much as breaks an arm as a direct result of the first world's mysterious disappearance, either. What a ripoff.

I wish for a snow day on Monday.

2014-04-06, 03:40 PM
Granted, but the snow storm is so strong you get snowed in and school is canceled for the rest of the week.

I wish that my ACT score is very good

2014-04-11, 02:25 PM
Granted. You not only get a 36 on the ACT, but a 4.0 GPA and 2400 SAT as well.

I wish for a zombie apocalypse.

Lord Fullbladder, Master of Goblins
2014-04-11, 03:02 PM
Granted. The world as we know it comes to an end, as a flu virus spontaneously mutates into a virulent zombie virus! It spreads ridiculously quickly through the populace. Fortunately the virus leaves people's minds intact, so functionally its virus that causes virtual immortality. People just wake up a few minutes after they die. Oh, they might need to learn to sew after a little while, but everyone figures this is a small price. There is a drop in the amount of wars, as well--no one wants to be the one who wakes up looking like a colander, for example, and there's just so much more time to work things out peacefully. So yeah.

I wish for an infinite supply of Lego and/or Lego-compatible building bits.

2014-04-11, 04:01 PM
Done! They're biodegradable (which helps get around the long-term problem of filling the world with them) and there's a vitamin-rich version of the gummy Lego in the available selection (which helps get around the long-term problem of world hunger).

I wish for... more sleep?

2014-04-11, 06:36 PM
You are given eternal youth and time travel within your own life span.
Have fun!

I wish that ODIN IS REAL.

Corwin Icewolf
2014-04-11, 10:40 PM
Odin brings you to Valhalla and a dormant power awakens within you. Come ragnarok you are the mightiest warrior who ever lived, and easily slay the destructive jotuns. You are worshipped as a hero and new god by the humans of the next world. Also magic becomes real, since Odin is the father of magic, thus making the real world NOT a crappy place where everyone has to be a slave to everyone else and people can be awesome on their own like d&d wizards. Clerics now exist as well, and divine, and arcane magic are combined with science and technology, making everyone immortal. Also you get bacon.

I wish I was a monster.

Targ Collective
2014-04-14, 11:38 AM
Granted! You become a shapeshifter capable of interbreeding with all species, with one quarter of your offspring the shapeshifting species and three quarters the species of your partner. This works across the board and all members of your species are universally completely benevolent, also geniuses. Your species is incapable of breeding from itself and incapable of asexual reproduction.

Your species is also capable of memory alteration - anyone who discovers you has their memory instinctually altered to prevent knowledge of your race from spreading. You quickly dominate the entire planet with your species, yet instinctively never breed to the extent that your population is greater than one quarter of a partner species. Your immune system is perfect in every form and you are functionally immortal as a species yet you can fall ill due to extensive tissue damage so death is still possible. Your species does not age or die, but instinctually creates the appearance of ageing to fit in undetected. And your genius as a species means you swiftly enter into rulership of every species you enter into as a breeding partner. As your species is universally benevolent, this always has good outcomes.

How's that for monstrous? Monstrous enough for you?

I wish that I too am a member of this species, seconded as ambassador to the bonobos. I am interested in bonobo culture, that's why.

2014-04-20, 06:22 AM
Yeah, sure, why not. However, your actions have resulted in a massive jump in the genetic benefits the Bonobos have received. They are now a sapient species capable of everything humans are. Their example have improved humanity significantly, and you have now achieved world peace, mainly due to the fact that the major religions have been forced to change their world views, and are less hostile to challenges to the historical aspects of their faiths.

I wish that I were omnipotent, had the wisdom to use said powers solely for the benefit of the universe, and will constantly go unrecognized for my efforts, to avoid hubris.

2014-06-02, 02:57 PM
Granted. You are blessed with good luck for the rest of your days, and rewarded with the most awesome afterlife you can imagine when you've passed on.

I wish I knew how to cook a good meal.

Lord Raziere
2014-06-11, 09:18 PM
Granted, your newfound skill at cooking allows you to find the love of your life and marry them and live happily ever after.

I wish I could play all Final Fantasy games.

Targ Collective
2014-06-11, 10:14 PM

You become an expert on Final Fantasy hacking due to palying and toying with all the hacks and release modern-graphic equivalents to all the old originals. The Fandom Rejoices.

I wish I had the strength to refuse the things that feel good that are bad for me.

2014-07-18, 08:29 PM
Granted. You also manage to recognize when you can moderately have some things that are bad for you, gaining incredible health benefits while not looking like a vegan jackass.

I wish more people actually thought for a change instead of blindly following the herd mentality.

2014-07-18, 09:48 PM
Granted. The world is now full of individualistic free-minded thinkers that have collectively agreed, based on personal moral, ethical, and intellectual motives, rather than arbitrary laws of nations or religion, to accept EVERYBODY for all their flaws, quirks, issues and whatnot, and collectively turn earth into a utopia after a period of time.


2014-07-19, 01:19 AM
You get a squirrel. I guess... Not sure what you wanted one for.

I wish for knowledge.

Laughing Dog
2014-07-19, 01:39 AM
If x2=x+1, then x= ([squareroot of 5]+1)/2
You didn't specify how much or what type of knowledge, so one must take a stab in the dark.

I wish for more people to visit the regular wish twisting thread.

Targ Collective
2014-07-19, 10:02 AM
Hmm. Granted. And they all wish they could love the genies for who they are. :P

I wish for... Rainbows. They're pretty. :)

2014-08-10, 04:50 AM
That is YOU.

I wish for someone to reply to this post in a fun and enjoyable fashion, as well as having as much fun as they can with this wish!

2014-08-13, 05:48 PM
Well, "fun" for me would be giving the wish a bit more structure to work with.

Why? Because I'm lawful something. Learn to live with what you are. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF_doTsG4t0)

In any case, this wish is granted and I get the power to command dinosaurs to do my bidding! Whilst riding my triceratops around town and ordering my deinonychus minions to procure whatever my heart desires (right now, a decent tube amp, an orange Victory motorcycle, and about a dozen pairs of pants because I need them) I press my heavier minions into service with public works projects, building parks for disabled and orphaned children to play in and solar and geothermal plants for an eco-friendly power grid. The world powers are so in awe of my command of the fearsome beasts that they immediately give in to my demands for world peace. And then everyone gets ice cream.

I wish I didn't end up posting after everyone who just says to have fun. :smalltongue:

2014-08-13, 07:59 PM
Granted--once you post after me.

I wish I had a Wii U, and Super Smash Bros. 4 on preorder.

Targ Collective
2014-08-16, 01:41 PM
Granted! But the order gets mixed up and you get a simple lamp instead. When cleaning the lamp a genie appears and says he can grant you three wishes as you want and if you free him, he will continue to serve you until you die with full power behind every wish. The firsty wish you ask for is to know if the genie is being truthful. He is. The other two wishes are up to you.

I iwsh that for my Birthday I get lots of prezzies from the forumers here.

2014-09-26, 10:27 PM
Granted! But the order gets mixed up and you get a simple lamp instead. When cleaning the lamp a genie appears and says he can grant you three wishes as you want and if you free him, he will continue to serve you until you die with full power behind every wish. The firsty wish you ask for is to know if the genie is being truthful. He is. The other two wishes are up to you.

I iwsh that for my Birthday I get lots of prezzies from the forumers here.

You do! Prezis and presents! And everyone agrees that iwsh needs to be a word.

I wish for a magical artifact that makes those I kiss my mental slave from a genie of the opposite gender of me who is willing to kiss me after I activate the artifact and can grant extra wishes to those it favors.

2014-09-27, 03:34 AM
Granted. As a matter of fact you get a harem of prescient genies who anticipate and grant your every wish without you even asking. There is much kissing involved, all of the mutually pleasurable variety.

((Thanks for the much-needed thread-bump, by the way! :smallbiggrin:))

I wish for aliens to destroy the earth to make way for a hyperspace bypass.

@V: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *sheds a silent tear for the planet that was too good to be a planet*

2014-09-27, 01:23 PM
Granted! However, due to a crazy mix-up in the work orders, they accidentally demolish Pluto instead. Almost nobody misses it. Since the bypass entrance is so close by, Earth finally gets access to galactic culture, and vice versa.

I wish we had flying cars.

Targ Collective
2014-10-30, 07:46 PM
Granted! They are all piloted by sentient AIS that form a groupmind traffic control system independent of human control. While the AIS are totally benevolent, they are still happy7 to let people pilot their cars - taking over to keep people from crashing of course.

I wish for complete physical fulfilment. Ew, not like that - get your mind out of the gutter.

2014-12-08, 02:21 AM
(carefully counts the number of days since this thread was created)
Granted. You now have angel blood flowing through your veins. Coincidentally, this goes a long way to having you achieve complete spiritual fulfillment as well; however, the end of the journey will only come when you decide to walk to it.

I wish for something terrible to happen! ...In italics!

2014-12-12, 04:47 AM
The terrible, intense, extreme event you long for occurs in italics and bolded font! Despite its severe and shocking nature, you weather it beautifully. Your character is correspondingly developed, leaving you even better-prepared to transcend such formidable and daunting experiences in the future.

I wish I could break the habit of biting and picking at my cuticles.

Targ Collective
2015-01-18, 12:25 PM
Hmm. Emergency bump time to keep the thread alive.

The way to grant your wish is simple. Recite "By all that I am I will never bite, pick or nibble my nails again. However I reserve the right to cut them with clippers.".

That should do it.

Be aware you can release yourself from this only by inviting someone else to do this THROUGH you. It will feel weird.

I wish that this thread doesn't die, and becomes popular. This is one of my favourite threads.

2015-01-18, 09:32 PM
Your wish attracted me back to this thread, so it's at least gotten more popular by one person. (Not very ideal, but I guess you could say the positive twist is it happened FOR REAL! ^_^)

I wish for the ability to eat whatever I want with a fairly large daily intake without such eating causing any health problems.

2015-01-19, 10:12 PM
Granted! You develop a taste for healthy food.

Don't you dare tell me that that is not a positive thing. I am a pretend doctor and you will pretend to heed my pretend advice.

I wish to be a real doctor. (In pretend wish-land, obviously.)

2015-01-22, 11:59 PM
You do become a real doctor, and the Queen of Pretend Wish-Land appoints you as her royal physician, allowing your work to become legendary and create massive developments in the field of medicine.

I wish I could write stories that make people think.

Targ Collective
2015-01-24, 03:56 PM
Every time someone reads one of your stories silently, they are thinking. So your wish is already granted.

I think what you actually *meant* was that your stories be thought provoking.

So you become a philosopher-writer, and write some of the most thought provoking philosophies about Chance that there are.

I wish that I were ALL THAT I AM and that ALL THAT I AM is everything. Even when it's not. And for me to always stand in the exact middle of the paradox.

2015-02-04, 01:13 AM
Hahaha, I don't even know what that means! :D

Well, okay, I kind of do, since I'm basically you, and the same goes for most everyone else here. So, now we can all be one with everything and with nothing at the same time, and come to a much better understanding of that which eternally and unchangingly is. Hooray!

I wish I could listen to music and hear the phone ring at the same time.

2015-02-05, 04:14 PM
Granted! Your phone now plays whatever music you are in the mood for when it rings.

I wish for delicious food.

2015-02-15, 06:08 PM
Granted! Not only is the food you wish for delicious and nutritious, but it is available to you exactly when you need it at the optimum temperature, in precisely the amounts you desire for yourself and any who may be in your company, so there is never any waste.

I wish our planet had an additional moon.

Targ Collective
2015-02-16, 07:48 PM
Granted. It's an artificial moon. It was originally found in deep space and, using advanced tractor beam technology, placed in orbit around the Earth. It is discovered to contain a warpgate to the Milky Way's core. Now the planet has all the energy it needs as this satellite is programmed to provide both electronic and photonic power sources. And now we have a warpgate to the core of the Milky Way, humanity has joined the galactic and intergalactic communities. So far we have yet to find a sentient form of spacefaring life that engages in warfare, but some of them have really *advanced* defences. We are shortly informed that all forms of war on the planet must cease if we are to retain this link, and told that if we are to continue in warfare we'll be placed in intergalactic quarantine again. The governments of earth negotiate for certain defensive technologies just in case and accede.

I wish that I could be my True Seraphic Presence Merlin more, as it's hella fun.

2015-03-04, 01:37 PM
Granted, but since I have no idea what a True Seraphic Presence is, the actual wizard Merlin appears before you and hangs out with you for the entire day, and you have an incredibly awesome time discussing the intricacies of magic, the universe, and other really cool stuff. He also conjures enough riches for you to be set for life before he goes.

I wish people would stop bitching about works of fiction that they don't like.

2015-03-04, 02:41 PM
Granted! Any remaining complaints about works of fiction become the types of nitpicking made by fans, which is merely one method of enjoying the work in question; or thought-provoking analyses that embolden the reader to transcend the works which inspire the analyses: while works of fiction that aren't good are simply forgotten. This in turn carries over onto YouTube comments and other online forums, where only good works receive any attention, and the comments become as popular as the original works themselves, for their insights into the thought processes of the creator, and their ability to inspire yet more good works (in every possible sense of the phrase)!

I wish to break a leg.

2015-03-05, 06:10 PM
Granted, and you are taken immediately to a hospital where you are given painkillers, suffering from the leg for only a short time. You suffer no lasting damage, and meet your soulmate in rehabilitation. Years later after the two of you are married you describe breaking your leg as the best thing that ever happened to you, because without it the two of you would never have met.

I wish this paperwork would finally process so I could enroll in classes already.

2015-03-05, 06:15 PM
That might have been positive, if it wasn't for the fact that I am already happily married. (With an adorable 17-month old baby boy!)

As it is.... well, you tried anyway. :smalltongue:

2015-03-23, 08:13 AM
Even a benevolent genie like myself is powerless against red tape, but as you're waiting, you get a job offer with hours that are well adapted to your eventual schedule.

I wish I could post in the normal wish twisting thread again.

2015-05-03, 06:13 PM
Not only can you post, but you now have the right to violate the three-post rule whenever people are being slow.

I wish for the world to get it's collective s*** together.

2015-05-03, 08:11 PM
Granted. All problems related to sewage and pollution are now solved.

I wish for police to stop shooting people.

2015-05-05, 09:46 AM
Granted. All crime stops, so not only do the police stop shooting people, but non-police stop shooting people too.

I wish it was easier to wake up for work in the morning.

Targ Collective
2015-05-06, 06:47 PM
Granted. Your entire work shift is now one hour later.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I had a fish, a fish, a fish...

2015-05-07, 02:34 PM
Granted! You also now know how to fish and can get one whenever you like.

I wish for China to be renamed Chouna.

2015-05-08, 09:42 AM
Granted! And they move to a corruption-free democratically elected government!

I wish for players to join my Fallout: Great Plains pbp game!

2015-05-23, 08:30 PM
Granted. Also, you're a god now.

I wish for the ability to wipe out the earth.

Targ Collective
2015-05-23, 10:56 PM
Granted. *

*Must be done one grain of earth at a time

I wish for world peace. That's popular, right?

2015-05-24, 11:21 AM
Granted! However, not only the earth, but all and any worlds within the known universe are now at peace!

I wish for a cookie.

2015-05-24, 01:44 PM
Granted, you get a very large and extremely delicious chocolate chip cookie, the kind they sell at those places like Mrs. Fields that sell almost nothing BUT cookies.

I wish I could tell precognitively when my luck is about to be bad or good.

2015-05-24, 04:52 PM
Granted! Also, you have the power to move mountains with your thoughts.

I wish for ultimate arcane power.

2015-05-26, 10:22 AM
Granted. It overwhelms you and you explode.

I wish that wave of ultimate arcane power over there wasn't trying to eat me.