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Alysar
2007-02-06, 12:49 AM
Actual line from tonight's game:

"You know the game isn't going well when the freakin DEAD GUY keeps getting his saving rolls"

(actually dead, not undead)

Others?

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-06, 12:56 AM
"Doctor Scholls, you complete me!"

(after considerable Wisdom drain from an allip)
"I begin to consider how tasty my boots might be."

Krimm_Blackleaf
2007-02-06, 03:40 PM
"Who's idea was it to give the half-succubus prostitute both a portable hole and a rod of wonder? The act alone could reconstitute Innuendo as a skill."

Rama_Lei
2007-02-06, 03:50 PM
I change into the songstress dress sphere!

said the half-elf MALE bard.

Leadfeathermcc
2007-02-06, 03:51 PM
DM: You hear a spalsh.
Player: Does it sound like a threatening splash?

LotharBot
2007-02-06, 03:54 PM
(After our Barbarian used his rage ability to boost his CON and win a drinking contest) "I'm a raging drunk!"

Melrob
2007-02-06, 04:57 PM
As all of the party sit inside the safety of an invisibility sphere, the scout decides to edge out and sneak around the rather large boulder we're camped behind. Failing his hide check, as he gets round to the other side, and gets spotted by the 5 trolls - he shouts out at the top of his lungs:

'They've found US!!!!'

><

Meynolds
2007-02-06, 05:01 PM
From a few weeks ago:

"Dude, you killed somebody with a dead body!"
Later on:
"You scored a critical with a dead body! Nice."

Max Graeves
2007-02-06, 08:39 PM
My LE monk, shooting his crossbow into melee, hits fellow party member:
"Ooh, that's not good...sorry about that."
Repeat, same player character hit again three rounds later:
"I know how this looks..."

This one took place in, of all modules, the Sunless Citadel. My half-orc barbarian and my team-mate's halfling rogue enter the goblin stronghold. Goblins approach, ready to go aggro. The rogue tells the goblins we're a travelling band of minstrels (it was the first thing out of his mouth for some reason). Rogue bluff role: natural 20; goblin sense motive role: natural 1. That was a funny adventure.

Fat Daddy
2007-02-06, 08:47 PM
"Who's idea was it to give the half-succubus prostitute both a portable hole and a rod of wonder? The act alone could reconstitute Innuendo as a skill."
Krimm, thank you very much. Do you know 1)how much coke burns when shot out of your nose? or 2)How difficult it is to clean coke from a monitor and keyboard?

Seriously, that is hysterical. Consider it yoinked.

1337_master
2007-02-06, 09:16 PM
I was in a Riot as a thief who was wearing nothing but my hat, and pants, a party member passes me a dagger, I rip off someones shirt, put my hat on his head, and shout: HES OVER HERE! and I grappled him 'till the feds got him and took him away.

Macrovore
2007-02-06, 10:20 PM
Krimm, thank you very much. Do you know 1)how much coke burns when shot out of your nose? or 2)How difficult it is to clean coke from a monitor and keyboard?

i hope you mean coke, as in the soft drink.

Ditto
2007-02-07, 01:17 AM
The monk/sorcerer (?) throws yet another fuzzball from his bag of tricks.

Me: Dude, you're totally wasting your weasels.
Steve: Do you know how many freaking weasels I have?!

It turns out he bought 5 or 6 bags. ::shudder::

Jack_of_Spades
2007-02-07, 01:35 AM
"I attack the Nymph!"
"What? Why?"
"Because she's in the monster manual."
"Your character doesn't own the monster manual!"


"Oh, no! He's going to cast another fireball!"
"Wait! You have to make a spellcraft check."
"Fine" *Rolls a 1*
"Hey guys, Syzzlor the Flame Master is casting a spell that needs guano, but I don't know what it is!"

"I use bardic music to give the rogue a bonus to his hide check."
"Okay fine. Make a move silent check...you failed,"
"Okay here's my song. HEY LOOK AT ME I'M SUSPICIOUS! That oughta give him a good bonus."

Our rogue taunting a Monk/Sorceror
"Ha! Not so tough without you magic staff are ya!"

Grendita
2007-02-07, 01:50 AM
A Dwarven fighter, last man standing in his party, his companions dead and dying around him searches the clerics backpack for a healing potion. I say "Ya know, I don't think it will help them, I think their Dead"

"Its not for them! Its for Me! I'm only on 19 hit points!" came the reply

I have quite a few more amusing events, but no more sayings come to mind

Dhavaer
2007-02-07, 01:52 AM
"BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!"

The kender rogue, while standing on the altar of an evil temple while surrounded by 5000 zombies, shortly before his soul was eaten.

Seffbasilisk
2007-02-07, 04:31 AM
"FOR AIEOKUS!" A line proclaimed by a paladin (homebrew god) before doing anything.

Me: *rolls d20* 'Spot. To see the loot the wizard is carrying.'
DM: "You see he's failing to conceal a few bulging sacks."
Wizard: *rolls d20* 'Spot.' vaguely gestures in my direction 'For him.'
DM: ".....You see him. You spot him good and hard."

Tengu
2007-02-07, 05:55 AM
"Damn, I knew I should've bought a tent!" Shouted by one of my players when falling from a great height.

Tents have a long tradition in the games with my groups. They usually don't last long, being used as a non-lethal weapon, used in a "throw the tent at the enemies, run away like crazy" tactic.

Jade_Tarem
2007-02-07, 06:44 AM
One character smuggled a revolver into a party by taking it apart and reassembling it in the restroom before meeting his contact. It was a lengthy process.

NPC Contact (DM): So what were you doing in the restroom for half an hour?
Player: Fiddling with my weapon until I got it unblocked and tucking it away. It's pretty long and hard to hide sometimes.
NPCC: ...
Player: What?

Also involving restrooms, but not in the same campaign:

DM: There's a loud, cacophonus BOOM from the direction of the lavatory, followed by tormented shrieks and deep, mocking laughter.
Player: *Turns to other player* "I'm willing to blame it on explosive diarrhea and go back to the inn if you are."

Roethke
2007-02-07, 07:07 PM
On divvying loot in an old 2nd Ed. game...

Player1: Hmm, I wonder what this ring is?
Player2: I want it. I grab it and put it on.
Player1: Maybe it's a ring of Striding and Springing...
Player2: [to DM:]I jump. Do I go higher?
DM: No, but you look pretty silly jumping up and down.
Player1: Maybe it's a ring of Water Breathing
Player2: [to DM:] Is there water near here?
DM: Huh? Water? Oh, yup, you know there's a small river over the next hill
Player2: [to DM:] I run over there and stick my head in and see if I can breathe.

silentknight
2007-02-07, 07:23 PM
Four words:
Hi
Lar
I
Ous

Fat Daddy
2007-02-07, 08:35 PM
i hope you mean coke, as in the soft drink.
That is just a silly statement. Of course I meant cola.

Alysar
2007-02-07, 08:57 PM
On divvying loot in an old 2nd Ed. game...

Player1: Hmm, I wonder what this ring is?
Player2: I want it. I grab it and put it on.
Player1: Maybe it's a ring of Striding and Springing...
Player2: [to DM:]I jump. Do I go higher?
DM: No, but you look pretty silly jumping up and down.
Player1: Maybe it's a ring of Water Breathing
Player2: [to DM:] Is there water near here?
DM: Huh? Water? Oh, yup, you know there's a small river over the next hill
Player2: [to DM:] I run over there and stick my head in and see if I can breathe.

And did that result in even more loot for the remaining members of the party to divvy up?

cferejohn
2007-02-07, 08:59 PM
This was way back in 1st edition.

Player "I check the door for traps"
DM: "The contact poison feels sticky."

Arceliar
2007-02-07, 09:02 PM
Four words:
Hi
Lar
I
Ous

Technically it SHOULD be zero words, Hilarius is a name. If I recall correctly, a greek comedic playwright with said name serves as the root of the word Hilarious. But I'm not 100% sure on that, I never payed a lot of attention to detail when studying theater. I think the name Hilary is the feminine version of the same name, and has somehow stuck around while the (barely) masculine Hilarius died out somewhere between way the heck back then and modern English today.

More importantly, as for funny things that have happened..
"The kobold fire a crossbow at your familiar thing..4 damage"
"Damage reduction 5, bitch!" -- Attack on an Soulspark Familiar form the Magic of Incarnum book.

Everyman
2007-02-07, 09:05 PM
Setting: Bar

Said the 18 Int Wizard: You are aware that imbibing too much wine can be deadly.

Said the smart half-orc barbarian: Are you aware that wining when I'm imbibing can be too?

nivek1234
2007-02-07, 09:16 PM
Friend: Hey! I should get a reflex save!
Me: For HALF death?

J_Muller
2007-02-07, 09:18 PM
Friend: Hey! I should get a reflex save!
Me: For HALF death?


He's only mostly dead!

nivek1234
2007-02-07, 09:19 PM
oops forgot one:

*Druid casts purify food and drink on NPC's beer turning it into water*
NPC: "What did you do to my beer?"
Druid: "I made it better."
*bluff roll succeeds*
NPC: "SUPER BEER!?!? Awesome!"

Diggorian
2007-02-07, 09:24 PM
Last month ...

NPC Cleric refusing to heal my warlock: "Your kind is said to touch the abyss in practicing your ... arts."

My Warlock: "You priests, it's said, practice touching your alter boys ... why dignify rumor?"

22 bluff check, he healed me. :biggrin:

Quietus
2007-02-07, 09:40 PM
Level one human cleric, after failing two consecutive turn checks against two elven skeletons and one wolf skeleton. Determined to succeed, he throsts forward his Holy Symbol of Joramy, and declares :

"GET OFF MY KOOLAID [*Expletive deleted!*]!"

He failed his turn check - again.

PirateMonk
2007-02-07, 09:49 PM
"Aww, but I don't wanna be a Jehovah's Witness!"

-A paladin's player when it was suggested that his code be to spread his religion.

Archaicwonder
2007-02-07, 10:19 PM
In a homebrew campaign with a friend known for his theatrics. His 3rd level ranger says to the rest of group in the face of an small goblin invasion," There may be 20 of them, and 4 of us....but we have me."

Even more funny, he died failing a balance check crossing a tree across a river...

Krimm_Blackleaf
2007-02-07, 10:30 PM
Krimm, thank you very much. Do you know 1)how much coke burns when shot out of your nose? or 2)How difficult it is to clean coke from a monitor and keyboard?

Seriously, that is hysterical. Consider it yoinked.
I'm flattered. :smallbiggrin:

JackMage666
2007-02-07, 10:51 PM
In a campaign, we were 1st level and recieivng our first mission from a crippled up old lady, who had broken her leg falling off down a hill. She was obviously the high priestess of the temple... So, my rogue couldn't help it.

Me "So, what do you want us to do, hobbles? WALK there?"


In another campaign, I was playing a Pixie Reaping Mauler, and, it actually did work quite well. So, well, in fact, that my DM got tired of me killing all her oponents in grapples, so she threw an Ogre Mage at the town we were in, as well as his army of Orcs. The town was nearly screwed, and asked it's Arena Champion (myself) to help. Obviously, I can't grapple an Ogre Mage surrounded by her Orc companions, so I have to resort to something more tricky...

OM - "You'll die by my hand, and I'll take all your treasures with me!"
Me - "OK - Catch"
OM - "Ha! You weak little pixie, fall before me!"

That's when I threw him a Scarab of Death that I kept for just such an occasion. My DM had forgot that I had it sealed in it's Ivory Box. The Ogre mage died when it went into his crotch.

Telok
2007-02-08, 01:56 AM
"Prisoners, just great. I'll get the frying pan."
"Does anyone else here worry about the dwarf?"

Eventually they started carrying scrolls of Detect Thoughts and Zone of Truth, but it was hungry work 'till then.

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-08, 02:04 AM
NPC Cleric refusing to heal my warlock: "Your kind is said to touch the abyss in practicing your ... arts."

My Warlock: "You priests, it's said, practice touching your alter boys ... why dignify rumor?"


Okay, folks. Thread over. Everyone go home.

Scubasteve0209
2007-02-08, 01:19 PM
Star Wars game:

*The Jedi returns to the room where he'd left his Ewok Scout to watch over a dozen imperial Hostages*
DM: "You return to see all the Hostages dead, their feet cut off at the ankle. the Ewok looking quite satisfied with a new necklace"
Jedi: "What did I tell you *NOT* to do before I left"
Ewok: "....Make a foot necklace....."
Jedi: "and what did you do??"
Ewok: "....Made a foot necklace"
Jedi: *turns to the DM* "I call out to the Dark Side"
DM: *looks back plainly* "you don't have to"

Diggorian
2007-02-08, 05:59 PM
Okay, folks. Thread over. Everyone go home.

Sorry. Here's a tamer one:

Our halfling wizard: "... therefore, there is amongst humanoids an inverse relationship between height and Intelligence."
Our dwarven thief: "What do you mean?"
My hobgoblin: "Exhibit A, dwarves. You sure it isnt width and Intelligence?"
Halfling wizard: "Um ... that's another theory."

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-08, 06:02 PM
I'm just saying you can't top that. I don't think it can be done.

nicko
2007-09-26, 07:42 PM
(In respone to our constantly diseased monk activating the horn of blasting IN-SIDE of the world's largest dungeon)
DM: you are deafened
(out of charactor disscusions)
DM: you here a thud
PC1: No!, no we don't
PC2: I run over to the dark manttel and hit it
DM: ok
PC2: (rolls dice)
PC2: I rolled a 16 do I hit it?
DM: It was allready dead.

Glawackus
2007-09-26, 08:08 PM
(A plague is ravaging the countryside, but elves seem to be immune. Our intrepid group has just reached a house believed to be full of plague victims.)

Human Sorceror: "I'm not going in."
Half-Elf Druid (me): "I don't think I will, either."
Dwarf Barbarian: "Come on, lad, you're elf enough!"

Maybe it was just one of those had-to-be-there deals, but we all started laughing. "Elf enough" is still used as a general phrase for machisimo in my group.

Rex Blunder
2007-09-26, 08:33 PM
Has the necromancy rate gone up in the last month or is it just me?

I'm beginning to feel like I'm in a George Romero movie.

Lord Tataraus
2007-09-26, 08:48 PM
Well, its in my sig, but the goblin rogue was an avid follower of Erythnul. The party was stuck on a boat in a calm and were plotting mutiny against the pompous master of the ship (who fired the captain before leaving port). However, one of the master's personal guards was standing at the opposite end of the hold where the party was trying to meet, so the rogue walks over, puts a hand on the guard's shoulder (as best he could) and asks in a serious tone "Can I talk to you about Erythnul?" It was hilarious, we laughed for 5 minutes.

Of course the other one was in a game where the barbarian was a thug in the mafia and they had just caught a highway robber that threatened tham and they were going to tie him up instead of killing him so the barbarian pulls out a set of masterwork manacles (he is known for innuendo jokes):
DM: "Wait, why does he have masterwork manacles? No, don't tell me, I don't want to know."
Barb: "He's in the mafia."
*Pause*
DM: "Oh yeah!"

It was a lot funnier at the time...

Cogwheel
2007-09-26, 09:05 PM
A certain LN warblade/justiciar of mine has a good line...

he was about to enter the local guild of thieves, when two bugbear guards at the door stopped him. The ensuing conversation was as follows-

"Why should we let you in here, anyway?"

"An excellent question. Observe." (punches each in the face for 52 and 47 subdual.)

Later, he charged into the office of the guild leader, who proceeded to look at him like something stuck to the bottom of his boot.

"And who, precisely, do you think you are?"

"The LAW!" (Elder Mountain hammer on a punch...but subdual, luckily for him.)

BardicDuelist
2007-09-26, 09:50 PM
We had a dwarven cleric who had a high AC due to some good roleplaying to get sweet armor and a really nice shield. So while the monster were missing him constantly. They usually need a 17+ to hit.
Player: "Can't touch this! Do Do Dee Do, Do Do, Dee Do"
DM: "Your turn."
Player: "Stop, it's Hammer Time!"

He got a crit.

Callos_DeTerran
2007-09-26, 10:19 PM
IRL group.

A DMNPC had been plaguing our group for a long time now, from stealing half a dragon's hoard out from under our noises (The DM thought it was too much gold and used the DMNPC to remove the excess), to stealing our kills, and just plain being creepy. (Do YOU know how a quarterling is made?)

In any case the little bastard has a habit of leaving a little wooden statue after he does something to tick us off so we generally know when he's around. Last time woke up from a long night on watch to find a wooden statue in the camp. Resident wizard goes up to it (He had been collecting the statues to scry on the quarterling...and eventually hunt down and kill him) and cast detect magic on it.

Lo and behold the statue glowed so he tried Spellcraft to determine the spells on it/what the item was (House rule along with critical successes on skill checks)

DM: Alright make your Spellcraft check.
Wizard: Alright then...*Rolls* Natural 20! YES! Alright, um..the total would be 52. I know what the spell...
DM: You have no idea what the spell is, you don't even know what the wood is.
Wizard: What? You have to be kidding me! The only thing I couldn't have known was epic level spells! Is that what your telling me? That the damn quarterling had epic wood just laying around and left it in our camp to find.
DM: Yeah, that sounds about right. What are you doing?
Wizard: I'm going to go wake up the druid and my apprentice (both female characters and players) and tell them. "Look! I woke up this morning and had EPIC level wood! Do you want to see it?"

tannish2
2007-09-27, 12:48 AM
"do i see any invisible opponets?"
"no, you do not see any invisible opponets"

in context it wasnt that funny, in our groups wizards always cast permenant see invis as soon as possible, but it doesnt stop it from being funny out of context.

Shadowfred
2007-09-27, 02:03 AM
I remember one from our Paladin.

"Ok, so how many times per day do I get Detect Evil at will?"

He was just reading it off his character sheet and hadn't been paying attention. We all had a very good chuckle. My group still brings it up as a "Can't be worse than this..."

slexlollar89
2007-09-27, 02:18 AM
DM: okay turds, the orcs attack, roll initiative!
ME: aww this sucks, my dex is crap.
freind: (rolls one) aww, dude, I failed my initiative!
ME: uhhh... (whisper to DM) does that mean I go first?
DM: oh yeah it does.

Player: (rolls diplomacy to a guard captain, nat 20 for a huge number) Tell us where the Library is or I'll rip out your F***ing throat!!!
later...
Player: (rolls intimidate to an enemy, 19 for another big number) HELLO GOOD SIR! KINDLY DIRECT ME TO A PLACE THAT WOULD BENIFIT AND OTHERWISE ALLOW ME TO STRIKE AT YOU WITH A SNEKY AND DEBILITATING ATTACK!

the guy had us in stiches because he didn't mean to mix up the rolls, he just accidentally said the opposite skill for each roll.

AslanCross
2007-09-27, 02:31 AM
Our wizard just got killed in a battle against some hobgoblins.
He was eccentric to begin with, but after being rezzed, he seemed to be a little loopier than usual.

<Wizard>: Hello, my friends! Isn't it a fine day?! The birds are buzzing and the bees are chirping! The sun is blowing and the wind is shining!
<Other PCs>: ...

The same wizard, much later:
<Wizard>: Well, death is a life-changing experience.

The same wizard, upon meeting a bored and rather pessimistic gnome wizard in the magic shop:
<Wizard>: Hello. What spell scrolls do you have available?
<Gnome>: I can sell you anything that you can currently cast. Of course there's no point in buying something you can't cast. It's futile, you know. Like this life.
<Wizard>:...ooookay.

The 9 WIS swashbuckler in the same magic shop:
<Swashbuckler> Do you have any rapiers?
<Gnome> Do you think I can pound steel with these elegant little hands?!?
<Swashbuckler> You could if you put your mind to it!
<Gnome> My mind is better suited to blowing things up.
<Ranger> *pulls Swashbuckler out of shop*

Our petite half-elf rogue, who has a thing for the eccentric wizard, enters a blacksmith's shop. The smith is a well-built half-elf woman.
*Wizard and Rogue enter the shop*
<Smith> Hello, sir. You seem to be in need of my...expertise.
<Rogue: high INT, 8 WIS> *assumes that was a double entendre, glares angrily at smith*
...
<Rogue> Do you have any short bows?
<Smith> Certainly. I have on consignment some high-quality composite shortbows crafted by my elven contact, though...*pauses to give skinny rogue a look over*...a regular shortbow might be more suited to your needs. *Smith flexes biceps*
<Rogue> ...

Burgo McSock
2007-09-27, 02:33 AM
"Fish for disguise!" (party member wants to trade crates of stolen fish for something to make a disguise with)

"It's not really a bear; it's a brown shaped rock." (DM was going to make a bear attack the PC's camp but then realized that he didn't have one prepared for the night, quickly he tried to say that what we thought was a bear was actually a rock but he fumbled his words)

"No! I'm not your son! I'm Bane "Notveryniceatall" Norris and I love you!" (After failing a bluff check on claiming to be a nobleman's long lost son, the party bard Bane "Notveryniceatall" Norris claims to be who he really is in the hope that the noble will spare someone with such a large reputation)

"Potions boy!" (A crazy dwarven NPC who owned a magic store called a separate boy for each different job, there was also scrolls, spell training, bard song training, enchantment and healing "boys", really it was the DM's attempt to let one vendor have everything we needed, it has since become a group joke)

LemonSkye
2007-09-27, 02:44 AM
We were playing a Freak Legion game (Old WoD, for those who don't know what it is), and an ogre we had been chasing disappeared into the bottom of the river. The DM called for Occult and Perception/Awareness rolls. I didn't have dots in Occult or Awareness, so I ended up botching the one roll I was allowed to make.

DM (to the players who made their rolls successfully): It's likely that at the bottom of the river is a portal to the Dreaming.

(to me): You are convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt, that somehow, there is a bakery at the bottom of this river.

Me (to the rest of the party): Hey guys! There's totally a Starbucks at the bottom of this river!

They try to explain to my character what the Dreaming is, and talk about fae, and elves...

Me: Keebler elves?

I'm honestly surprised they didn't smack me for how dumb I was being.

Edea
2007-09-27, 02:54 AM
I remember one of our characters was an elf cleric who used a strap-on as a divine focus. He'd occassionally deliver touch attacks with it, but he had a mortal fear of melee combat, because he was afraid it would get sundered, so he used a bow with "sensually shaped arrows." His domains were Pleasure and Joy (definitely deserved them o.O). His description for turning undead was, "I'm rubbing them out!". Whenever he used a cure spell, he said that you could feel his hands "vibrating lusciously." He was usually sucking on fruits when we weren't in combat (his favorite was oranges; his player loved going into how incredibly loud and arousing the sound was). His favorite phrases were, "OO!" and "Sweety darling." He loved going into long lilting monologues about his "Sifean tresses" and "firm, springy buttocks." He resolved successful Diplomacy checks as "evening affairs." When I had taken Craft Wondrous Item, he asked me to develop "the ultimate instrument of ecstacy." I sighed, and said my wizard started going to work on a batch of salve of slipperiness.

LemonSkye
2007-09-27, 03:01 AM
I remember one of our characters was an elf cleric who used a strap-on as a divine focus. He'd occassionally deliver touch attacks with it, but he had a mortal fear of melee combat, because he was afraid it would get sundered, so he used a bow with "sensually shaped arrows." His domains were Pleasure and Joy (definitely deserved them o.O). His description for turning undead was, "I'm rubbing them out!". Whenever he used a cure spell, he said that you could feel his hands "vibrating lusciously." He was usually sucking on fruits when we weren't in combat (his favorite was oranges; his player loved going into how incredibly loud and arousing the sound was). His favorite phrases were, "OO!" and "Sweety darling." He loved going into long lilting monologues about his "Sifean tresses" and "firm, springy buttocks." He resolved successful Diplomacy checks as "evening affairs." When I had taken Craft Wondrous Item, he asked me to develop "the ultimate instrument of ecstacy." I sighed, and said my wizard started going to work on a batch of salve of slipperiness.

Clerics of Lastai can be so much fun :smallwink:

Leon
2007-09-27, 03:55 AM
"Sigmar is my shield" often said by our Sigmarite in battle - thus far sigmar hasnt been very offering with the protection of the priest

"You stole my kill" said every combat by at least a couple of the party

Glyphic
2007-09-27, 04:50 AM
In a group I was Dm'ing, my players gave another player the -harshest- time for choosing the leadership feat. Not because of any cheese or anything attached, but the sheer fact that the cohort was male. So was the bard with the feat. And that leadership specifically says attract in it's description.

The homosexual oriented jokes started mild, but at times I had to ask players to tone it down and get back on track. the Bard absolutely -detested- this treatment.

So, not long ago, the campaign finished up, and I went through the entire epilogue before asking players if they had anything else they wanted wrapped up...

"So, do Bard and (bard's cohort) have any loose ends I can tie up?"

And that poor poor player. he walked right into it.

"Couple..."

Everyone else in the room died laughing.

Skjaldbakka
2007-09-27, 04:55 AM
This conversation used to be in my sig:

Justicar:
"We could kill Mirado if he wasn't constantly surrounded by minions!"

Dwarven Defender:
"What about that fight in the bar?"
[unspoken- when he killed you]

Justicar:
"Then he was surrounded by a high level rogue!"

Kurald Galain
2007-09-27, 05:34 AM
A character in one of my earlier groups once wanted an "anti-bear potion" for travelling in the wilderness. After some puzzled looks from the rest of us, it appears he assumed that, just like you have these ointments that repel insects from stinging you, there would be some kind of ointment that repels bears.

This became an in-joke over the years, including faux merchants selling anti-bear amulets, and the like ("do you see any bears around? See? It's working").

aberratio ictus
2007-09-27, 05:46 AM
Technically it SHOULD be zero words, Hilarius is a name.

*snip*

Since when is a name no word?

Mr. Moogle
2007-09-27, 08:40 AM
IRL group.

A DMNPC had been plaguing our group for a long time now, from stealing half a dragon's hoard out from under our noises (The DM thought it was too much gold and used the DMNPC to remove the excess), to stealing our kills, and just plain being creepy. (Do YOU know how a quarterling is made?)

In any case the little bastard has a habit of leaving a little wooden statue after he does something to tick us off so we generally know when he's around. Last time woke up from a long night on watch to find a wooden statue in the camp. Resident wizard goes up to it (He had been collecting the statues to scry on the quarterling...and eventually hunt down and kill him) and cast detect magic on it.

Lo and behold the statue glowed so he tried Spellcraft to determine the spells on it/what the item was (House rule along with critical successes on skill checks)

DM: Alright make your Spellcraft check.
Wizard: Alright then...*Rolls* Natural 20! YES! Alright, um..the total would be 52. I know what the spell...
DM: You have no idea what the spell is, you don't even know what the wood is.
Wizard: What? You have to be kidding me! The only thing I couldn't have known was epic level spells! Is that what your telling me? That the damn quarterling had epic wood just laying around and left it in our camp to find.
DM: Yeah, that sounds about right. What are you doing?
Wizard: I'm going to go wake up the druid and my apprentice (both female characters and players) and tell them. "Look! I woke up this morning and had EPIC level wood! Do you want to see it?"

I started laughing so hard fell over in my chair backwards.

Skjaldbakka
2007-09-27, 09:48 AM
"I don't know what is more disturbing, an army of killer berserker squirrels or the fact that you have the stats for an army of berserker killer squirrels"

Hunter Noventa
2007-09-27, 10:13 AM
In a vampire game, where we had to go to Canada to combat the Sabbat:

"And so, the GM's machinations were foiled by the Canadian legal system"

Mysticforce
2007-09-27, 01:21 PM
Earthdawn:

In a party with a Human Thief (me), Female Human Bard, Human Weaponsmith, I took 1st watch.

GM: Roll Perception (what I detect)
Me: Um... 1 (utterly convinced of something that is not, in fact, true)
GM: You are convinced that you see a monstrous bear out in the woods.
Me: I stay very, very still.

A few minutes pass...

GM: Roll Willpower (whether I remain awake)
Me: err... 2
GM: You feel groggy and struggle to stay awake. You slip between a state of dreaming and semi-lucidity, but manage to keep yourself from completely falling asleep. Roll Perception again.
Me: ... 1
GM: You feel something touch your arm, an...
Me, to the player who is supposed to be 2nd watch, after kicking him awake: A BEAR BIT ME!

It took us a while to clean all the spilled soda to continue...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

ED again, but a different game. In this game I'm playing a wild Troll warrior/outcast who had forsaken all conventional weapons and uses only his brawling and grapple skills. We are investigating a mine operated by several unsavory characters, were detected, so we got into a fight. During this fight, after bodily leaping into a group of enemies, I had successfully stood back up and grabbed an enemy Dwarf's ankle, hoisting him up-side-down with my right arm and roared:

GM: Two guards joins the fight and charges you, seeing you are the biggest and noisiest target.
Me: I punch the dwarf in the face with my left fist (I had an attack with either hand), I pivot on one leg, spins to get maximum torque, and swing the dwarf at the closest guard.
GM: Wha....you... *pause* A DWARF IS A TWO-HANDED WEAPON!

... Later in that game, the dwarf was a shield, a throwing weapon, and a flaming weapon (we set a building on fire and I alternated hitting other people with the dwarf, and smashing the dwarf on the building wall to keep the dwarf from attacking me, so I set his beard on fire). After our fight, none of the miners would speak to us (we were sent to gather info) out of sheer horror at our - my - tactics.

Roderick_BR
2007-09-27, 06:30 PM
(...)A BEAR BIT ME!(...)
(...)GM: Wha....you... *pause* A DWARF IS A TWO-HANDED WEAPON!(...)

Those won the night for me :smallbiggrin:

Two from my gaming groups, before I joined either of them:
1) Group enters a town that is being robbed by thieves every night. Their plan is to stay put, and attack the robbers when they arrive by night.
Int 8 paladin, when arriving at the town: "Don't worry, we will kill all!"

2) After some battles, the fighter gets a new magic weapon. After hours, they don't get in any other battle, going through lots of diplomacy scenes, and puzzle solving.
Fighter: "It's 4 am already, and we didn't kill anyone yet."

Deth Muncher
2007-09-27, 07:31 PM
ok. Lv. 1 Barbarian is teleported between a floating, on-fire skull and a throng of Goblins. When asked what he wants to do, he replies ".....Rage."

The DM was pissed, but admitted it was a very in-character thing to do.

Shas aia Toriia
2007-09-27, 08:01 PM
Open spoiler in my sig and read what Saph said. Didn't actually happen in a game, but. . .

Telvos
2007-09-27, 08:27 PM
(Having entered the final room of the cultist's evil lair, our leader sees the final enemy; a creature so large that it takes up an entire wall, covering the wall in an oozing surface with thousands of eyes, all of which flare red and glare angrily at him)

Player : OH, WOW. Okay. I'm done now. That's, uh, that's enough for today.

(fight ensues, my cleric tosses him her electric-enchanted mithril chain whip to use on the eyebeast in order to maximize the damage he does)

Player : I'm not proficient with it!! I'll never hit it!

DM : It's a WALL of eyes! Look, look; I'm not proficient with books, but I can hit your wall with it! /thwacks the house's wall with his DM guide.

Player : Oh, right. Wall.

Collin152
2007-09-27, 08:35 PM
Heh heh, yeah. I keep forgetting you could use weapons without proficiency, you just don't hit as often.

Stormzen
2007-09-27, 09:19 PM
Me(rogue): I climb up the bell tower of the church.
DM:Roll a Move Silently check.
*rolls*
Me:...1...
DM:A flash of blue light envelopes you, stealing your soul and throwing you off the tower.
Me:...do I get a reflex save?
DM:No.
Me:Damn.

(Later, in a prison, I'm still soulless)
DM: As you break out, you hear voices and footsteps outside the doors.
Mage:Is there a barrel of lamp oil in here?
DM:Um, yeah.
Fighter:I stuff the rogue in the barrel along with the flasks of alchemists fire from the mage, close the barrel, open the door, light the barrel, and throw it at the people outside.
DM:Okay there's a platoon of guards and a giant- wait, what?
Fighter:I unleashed the Molotov PC.
DM:Okay, *rolls for damage based on the number of flasks and the amount of oil* you killed every single one in a firey explosion.
Me:*Dumbfounded*... Can I play a new character now?
DM: Fine, roll up a new one.
Me:I already have one, here. *hands DM the sheet*
DM: No, your head is still intact, and you'll get your soul back next session.
Me:...

SCPRedMage
2007-09-27, 09:44 PM
I was joining late into a Wheel of Time campaign, so I ended up making an Armsman (WoT name for a Fighter). Spent most of my time during character creation on his fighting style; made him specialize in boar spears, with Quick Draw and a short sword to fall back on if the enemy got too close. I ended up REALLY liking the character's fighting style, so I was eager to start playing him.

So anyways, I, and a few other new characters, end up getting introduced in the most classic of environments, the tavern. While everyone's going on about what they're doing, I'm sitting there, waiting patiently for my turn to do something. Eventually, the GM turns to me and asks me what it is that I'm doing.

"For simplicity's sake, I get drunk."

Not only did that line get immediately get written down on a sheet of paper that a player's keeping track of all the hilarious one-liners from the campaign, but that ended up being the character's defining line; I ended up portraying him as a raging alcoholic.

Got another, more recent one-liner, but I'll save that for later...

Collin152
2007-09-27, 10:22 PM
Well, may as well contribute.
I was playing with a bunch of first timers, and this one guy was a Dwarven Barbarian, fighting a hobgoblin. He was ten feet away, and I guess he diddn't understand how easy it would be to simply step over and smash his ax into the puny creature's flesh. No, instead, he tells me,
"I throw my Portable Ram at it!"

Stormcrow
2007-09-27, 10:36 PM
Heh heh, yeah. I keep forgetting you could use weapons without proficiency, you just don't hit as often.

I believe that may be the key to improvised weapons. With enough strength and base attack bonus it doesn't matter.

Take a gander at the damage on the improv weapons table in the back of complete warrior, then imagine the groups half-giant ripped one of those ominous ten foot high dungeon doors right off its hinges and proceeded to use its wagon weight wooden expanse as a weapon... oh no... not at -4. *grumbles*

Better add a funny line so I don't get cautioned.

In a long running campaign an archer had been attacking in the night as the group traveled through a forrest, shooting the sleeping PCs for not much damage but ruining their sleep etc, they eventually ran him down.

The chaotic good cleric trundling up the hill towards the pinned archer casts Detect Alignment and realises he's not evil (CN) and runs towards her party screaming "You can't kill him, he's not eeeeeeeevil."

We laughed for a good five minutes and she packed up her stuff and left saying that she wasn't prepared to game with people who laughed at her when she played her character. She was the lift of three of the other players, including her own brother.

lesserarchangel
2007-09-27, 10:44 PM
Please excuse me while I bury myself.

Spoken by a victim of an acid-breathing bear and Last Breath.

PestDancer
2007-09-27, 11:32 PM
Background: Our group was, effectively, in a small village infested with lizardmen, pirates and cultists (unrelated to each other, mind you), so we had holed up in one of the buildings with all of the villagers and were preparing our attack/defense strategy. The problem was, we had all these villagers and were starting to have trouble keeping everyone straight.

The half-orc bard, dwarven cleric, human rogue and sylvan-learning centaur (say that out loud with a straight face, I dare you) created a little song to keep it straight between gaming sessions...

The 12 Days of Monroe:
12 smugglers smuggling
11 bleeding corpses
10 leaping larvae
9 severed limbs
8 abandoned (vacant) buildings
7 newfound allies
6 giant ants
5 (twice) dead ghouls
4 brainwashed prisoners
3 stupid orks
2 annoying elves
and a prize-winning, giant pig

:smallsmile:

Fhaolan
2007-09-28, 12:04 AM
Being the DM of PestDancer's group, I have to admit nothing in that game makes any blasted sense... :)

Other bits from that game:

The local tavern's sign is a male sheep eating a bowl of spaghetti. The tavern's name? Ram & Noodles

***

The Dwarven cleric of the Trickster god, and the half-orc bard/barbarian, neither of whom are steathy, are volunteered to create a distraction for the rest of the party who are trying to sneak somewhere.

So they start singing:

"Here we come,
walking down the street.
We get the funniest looks from,
everyone we meet.
Hey hey, we're distractions!'

***

Stole a statue from the evil snake-god temple, covered it with oil, lit it on fire, and used a catapult to send it back crashing through the temple's roof.

"God for you!"

***

They're investigating a 'haunted' textile mill. One of the mill's employees is an alchemist who was hired to come up with new and improved dyes for the wool. His bright idea? Feed the sheep magic potions that cause the wool to grow in different colors. Throughout this particular quest the foreman of the mill, a very put-upon individual, is running into the results of these experiments. "No, we tried glow-in-the dark before. It didn't sell then, it won't sell now." "What? Plaid? How does the *sheep* being plaid help?"

"WHY IS IT BLINKING?"

***

"So... as a Dwarf, you get all these interesting abilities."
"Yes."
"Sloping passages, new construction..."
"Yes."
"How exactly does that work?"
"I drink a lot of ale."
"Uh...."
"A *lot* of ale."
"Okay...."
"And when I'm done with the ale... I can detect slopes."
"...."
"What I can't figure out is why non-dwarves can't do this. Does it run uphill sometimes for them? Do they *miss?*"
*The female players of the group grin and nod*
"So that's the basis of all Dwarven special abilities? They piss on things?"
"Yep. Secret doors, the piss runs under them. New construction, hasn't been pissed on yet. Undead detection..."
"Wait..."
"If you piss on a corpse and it attacks you, it's undead..."

Altair_the_Vexed
2007-09-28, 02:00 AM
After the teleport, we appeared on a tiny pinacle of rock, in a vast cavern glowing with boiling magma and veiled with wispy smoke. Massive demonic bat-winged things flew around in the heat-shimmering air. Several dozen of these unidentified things appeared to notice our arrival and head towards us...

Me: [playing 24th Level Fighter] Where are we?
Nigel: [playing 20th Level Wizard] In trouble.

Machete
2007-09-28, 02:47 AM
PC: I open the door
DM: You feel the slick of contact poison as you turn the knob, Fort Save.
PC: Nope
DM: Huh?
PC: My character wears gloves. See, I spent 5 sp on it and everything. *shows charcter sheet*
DM: Alright, lets continue then. It feels like someone snotted on the doorknob but you open it with little trouble.

Greyen
2007-09-28, 03:52 AM
Lvl 14 group after we had just taken over a small dungeon complex/fallen temple of Moradin from monsters and made it into our new base.

Dwarven Priest/Rune caster upon seeing the aproaching mob/army of orcs that had been apart of our recurring BBEG's minions marching over the field in front of the entrance screaming "Get off my lawn!" as the somatic component to Flame Strike.

Ganon11
2007-09-28, 08:58 AM
I'm not sure how funny this is, but it was my funniest DnD moment as of yet:

I'm playing a stereotypical halfling rogue. Been playing her since 2nd level, and we're finally 6th level. This being my first DnD campaign, I'm still learning how to play effectively skillwise/combatwise, so I have ended being that weak character that's nice to keep around, but doesn't actually do much. Plinking away at enemies with a crossbow for 3 or 4 damage a turn doesn't compare with your 20 STR Half-Orc Barbarian who rushes into combat and kills...everything.

So, for 6th level, I decide to take a level in Fighter. I get Combat Finesse and Two-Weapon Fighting to accentuate these two enchanted daggers I just found (and due to house rules, I can now use them at +11 to hit each).

Shortly thereafter, our party is attacked in the night by two or three large skeleton warriors of some kind (Again, relatively new to DnD, so I have no clue what they were). My character manages to flank one of them.

Me: All right, I attack this one.
DM: Roll to hit.
*Rolling...*
DM: OK, you hit with both daggers.
Me: I'm flanking it, so I get sneak attack, right?
DM: Right.
Me: ...with both daggers?
DM: Yes.
*Rolls for damage*
Me: ...42.
DM: You rip his spine out.
Rest of the party: ...HOLY [expletive deleted]!

The daggers were 1d4 + 2 each, and I had a +3d6 sneak attack - in addition, when both daggers hit, there's an additional 1d6 of damage. I'm looking at 7d6 + 2d4 + 4 damage when I hit with these daggers.

No one has looked at me as 'that useless character' in a while now.

BTW: Said character is Cora Hilltopple in my signature.

GenLee
2007-09-28, 09:22 AM
[
*Rolls for damage*
Me: ...42.
DM: You rip his spine out.
Rest of the party: ...HOLY [expletive deleted]!] /QUOTE


Kind of a similar reaction-story, but it was by the PC himself. When we switched rules from 1st to 2nd ed. Twilight:2000, shotguns got a lot more vicious in area-effect. My brother's PC, during a firefight, got into a position where he could shoot at 3 close-together enemies, and he rolled dice. LOTS of dice: to hit *each* target, something like 20 d6's, hit on a 6, then each hit did 4d6 damage. NPCs all have 20 hp in that game, and they became red smears. Greg (the player) leaped up from his chair, mimicking dropping the weapon in horror, his eyes wide with shock. "HOLY {bleep}!"

wowy319
2007-09-28, 10:18 AM
Well, whenever we would take too long with a turn (my turn including luck re-rolls, dual strikes and cohort attacks...) we would compare it to a letter from the Civil War by saying in a phoney-baloney accent: "My dearest Anna..."

Leicontis
2007-09-28, 02:05 PM
As my character (Philathar, rogue/cleric of Mask) finally confesses his long-held affections to the party cleric Anileate, her response:

P: <Confesses feelings>
A: "Well... Thanks for telling me..."
P: <Runs away to find a deep shadow to hide in for a while>

The quote in my sig is out-of-character from another point in the same campaign.

From pre-game briefing for a LARP:
"There are no guns in <spoiler>, but if there were, here's how you'd use them..."

Lots of great quotes from that LARP, but I'm prohibited from sharing them in case someone here has the potential to end up as a player.

Chaos Bringer
2007-09-28, 02:25 PM
Shortly thereafter, our party is attacked in the night by two or three large skeleton warriors of some kind (Again, relatively new to DnD, so I have no clue what they were). My character manages to flank one of them.

Me: All right, I attack this one.
DM: Roll to hit.
*Rolling...*
DM: OK, you hit with both daggers.
Me: I'm flanking it, so I get sneak attack, right?
DM: Right.
Me: ...with both daggers?
DM: Yes.
*Rolls for damage*
Me: ...42.
DM: You rip his spine out.
Rest of the party: ...HOLY [expletive deleted]!

The daggers were 1d4 + 2 each, and I had a +3d6 sneak attack - in addition, when both daggers hit, there's an additional 1d6 of damage. I'm looking at 7d6 + 2d4 + 4 damage when I hit with these daggers.

No one has looked at me as 'that useless character' in a while now.

BTW: Said character is Cora Hilltopple in my signature.

You can sneak attack undead in your campaign?! Not to mention the DR from piercing weapons on a skeleton. Still bad ass rolls.

As for my sort of funny line: My first ever character was a paladin. My DM decided that the entire campaign goal was to confuse me and get me to fall. I ended up with a cursed long sword that shifted its alignment to good when a good player came close to it. I couldnt get rid of it, and it kept trying to make me do bad things :(. Eventually I got teleported to modern day New York (still dont know how that one worked) and by this time my Paladin, still being somewhat sane and good, decided to clime the tallest building he say, and hermit himself up at the top. First problem: he climbed up the outside of the building. Second problem: I didnt have many ranks in climb and it was a LOT of checks. I think about halfway up I failed a couple checks in a row.

Me: "Hmmm, I finally fell."
DM: *Manical laughter*

Ganon11
2007-09-28, 02:39 PM
You can sneak attack undead in your campaign?! Not to mention the DR from piercing weapons on a skeleton. Still bad ass rolls.

See, that's how I know it wasn't actually skeleton warriors...it was a while ago, and (again) without too much experience in DnD, I can't remember what they were. Something big, bad, and tough enough that a party of 7 or so 6th level characters were only facing 2 of them.

Armoury99
2007-09-28, 03:16 PM
A Ravenloft game, not too long ago. Paris Wolfhead, a half-vistani fighter/barbarian is trying to negotiate with a band of full-blooded vistani, trying to get them to part with some magical powder that can protect the low-level group from the countless horrors of the night... Of course the vistani have utter contempt for non-gypsies, and loathe halfbreeds like Paris, so they refuse to part with the powder without a "significant" reward. After thinking for some time (and realising that they have no money), Paris' player came up with:

"Since you have no menfolk...." (note: there were at least two visible) "Perhaps, I could.... service your women? I'll give your tribe strong sons!"

The best bit is, he was really trying.

XiaoTie
2007-09-28, 03:39 PM
I began to DM a campaign for 5 friends, and was DMing a game last week for that campaign. The party had a female barbarian, male swashbuckler, male ranger, male monk and male rogue. All humans.

They had just escaped an encounter (not suposed to be a combat one, although it almost headed that direction) with a few mounted knights, with obvius non-'asian' features and accent, that wore blue suits of armor who proceeded to 'kidnap' the old man the PCs 'had to protect', when they saw someone spying them from the woods.

The barbarian and the swashbuckler imediatly ran after the shady guy.

[Monk]: Rei (the rogue) take care of Soren (the ranger who had tried three times to attack the knights and finally got punched hard for nonlethal and passed out) and those gold coins. (Crazy idea probably, but good roleplaying since the monk is young and a tad naive. After that he ran after the other two)

So the swashbuckler, the monk and the barbarian ran after the shady human figure inside the woods. After quite a few rounds chasing the shady figure they caught up with him. He had 'asian' features (from a certain region of the setting), long haird and wore a blue lace to pull his hair from his eyes.

[Swashbuckler]: *points rapier to the shady guy* You know what amuses me? The fact that the knights who kidnaped the old Connor wore blue armors, which by a complete coincidence is the color of your lace, AND the color of your kingdom.

The thing is, blue is NOT the color of the 'asian' kingdom, in fact the player came up with that out of the blue.

The monk (despite not being from said kingdom) corrected the Swashbuckler incharacter.

[Me]: Where did you came up with that about the blue thing ?
[Swashbuckler player]: Nevermind, I was reading the Azure City arc.

We proceeded to take a short break to laugh.

Ralfarius
2007-09-28, 03:42 PM
Player 1:"The cart is broken... Do we have some sort of a wood-smith around?"
Player 2:"You mean a carpenter."

Later that evening
Player 1:"Wait, I think I heard something!"
Player 2:"Well, there must be some sort of a noise-smith about!"

internerdj
2007-09-28, 03:45 PM
Player 1: I'm going to releive myself on the evil alter.
Player 2: This seems like a really bad idea...

Seatbelt
2007-09-28, 04:32 PM
At the door to the chapel in Barovia, the party knew there was something big and scary in there. They'd just got done fighting a bunch of plague zombies and knew the setting was lethal. So they stand around debating the best way to open the unlocked, untrapped door. After about 10 minutes of argument and discussion I say (somewhat to myself) "Who knew the hardest encounter in Ravenloft would be the door." The party hears me and gets the hint.

PC 1: Oh no! A door guys. How are we ever going to get past the door! We'd better turn around now. He've been beaten."
PC 2: I open the door.
PC 1: ARE YOU MAD MAN?! ITS A DOOR!!!

"Oh no, a door! I guess we'd better turn back." has become the staple response for "That was really easy"

feghoot
2007-09-28, 07:23 PM
"Just because the kolbolds took over the dwarven city doesn't mean they're bad guys."

Foeofthelance
2007-09-28, 07:39 PM
Just to throw some of the old school ones in (and because I don't want to have to retype the bloody book!) I hereby present...

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18457&highlight=quotes

I really should post the condensed Magnus Sama Chronicles...

Ganon11
2007-09-28, 08:05 PM
As far as Bash.org goes, the funniest one I've seen was something like:

Person: BRB, tornado.

Lavidor
2007-09-30, 07:50 AM
Sorceror: I cast Magic Missile at the darkness.
DM: It's broad daylight.
Sorceror: I cast Darkness.

--------------------

Wait, I'm confused. Aren't bandits the ones that pick your pocket?

Yeril
2007-09-30, 08:34 AM
Do you know 1)how much coke burns when shot out of your nose?

That happened to me once.. I rolled around on the floor for about 10 minutes and then threw up alittle bit.

Shas aia Toriia
2007-09-30, 08:39 AM
Sorceror: I cast Magic Missile at the darkness.
DM: It's broad daylight.
Sorceror: I cast Darkness.

That, my friend wins the topic. Permission to add it to my sig?

Maerok
2007-09-30, 10:03 PM
From tonight's game, we fought a drug-addicted thieve who ran about a basement in tattered clothing; the drug made him rather tough so I ended up dousing him in oil and throwing an alchemist's fire into the mix. All goes according to plan and the man is on fire, but still attacking our party's gnome rogue.

As the DM was rolling for attacks, I asked "Doesn't he deal extra damage or something with like flaming attacks?" To which he responded, "I believe that any sort of bonus he would get to make fiery attacks is negated by the fact that he is on fire!"

Guy_Whozevl
2007-09-30, 10:15 PM
My friend tried a hand at DMing. This is what happened.

DM: You are in a hallway. At the end of the hallway is a door. What do you do?
Player 1: I open the door and step inside.
DM: You open the door and you die. The door closes.
Player 2: What the heck! I open the door and step inside to check what happened.
DM: You open the door and you die. The door closes.
Player 3: Heck, I run over and open the door.
DM: You open the door...nothing happens.
Player 3: Hey! Why didn't I die?
DM: The trap was jammed.

Needless to say, no one ever wanted him to DM ever again...

RandomNPC
2007-09-30, 10:17 PM
ok, so its not about the game itself, but our toddler was trying to chew on a McDonalds toy, when it was said: "Don't chew on that! It's made in china!"


now for some in game things:

DM: (after intrducing a new gamer) he's an artificer, that means he poops out magic items
everyoneelse: oh i want a (insert class appropreate item)
Artificer: we're in the middle of the desert, what am i going to make these things with?

after a moment they all realized what was said about the item creation process

Leon
2007-10-01, 05:38 AM
"we should touch the gnome to it" me in both IC & OOC in regard to what we should do about the Death Magic runed door that was blocking progess

"no hugs" my cleric again - fending off the small Ilithid who was hungry and wanted to hug me (turns out she was one of the kids we were looking for, but i wasnt going to take any chances)

Green Bean
2007-10-01, 05:51 AM
DM: The sorceress gestures with her hand, and the whole party is knocked down.
Player: I can't get knocked down, I'm a dude!

He wasn't very good at slang; we had to explain the difference between 'knocked down' and 'knocked up'

Cogwheel
2007-10-01, 09:22 AM
Since this is strictly for funny lines...

Four from Kelrin, my CG Favored Soul of heironeous. Yes, I know it's not legal, but the DM allowed it anyway.

In response to seeing drow archers shooting from the top of a cliff, he looks up, points at them, and says "Oi, you, get 'em.", shortly followed by a flame strike.

When faced by some sort of homebrewed construct-flaming-demon-monstrosity, he rolls knowledge (religion) to find out what it is. I get a 1. So, in the thickest country imaginable, he says "You're no' from 'round 'ere, are ya?"

When chosen for some quest or the other by heironeous himself - "I know I'm the chosen one... but once in a while, can't you choose someone else?" (massive cookie if you get the reference).

When casting an empowered flame strike on some trolls - "Eat god, suckers!"


Yeah, he's wrong on so many levels, but funny :smallbiggrin:.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

And one from Telruth Shadeweaver, a rather silly NE warlock lich of mine.

The BBEG went through a huge speech of how he's going to awaken some old, semi-dead god, reanimate it as undead, and use the result to take over the world. All the while, he's surrounded by horrifying undead and fiends, and the other PCs are absolutely terrified by the guy's messed up plans, which were, in fact, already working. A lot.

At the end of the big speech, moments before he attacks, Telruth spits out a single word.

"...Amateur."

Stormzen
2007-10-01, 07:54 PM
Okay, once in a Planescape campaign we were exploring Sigil for the key to Limbo, and we ended up next to an infinite wall of spikes reaching upwards, around the Lady of Blades' quarter. We needed to get in there because a magic talking book told us that the key was through there. Our NPC companions, a humanoid beast-thing that was named Ugly (because nobody remembered his name), and a little blind girl who had some strange powers, needed the key to go somewhere to the temple of... something. Gimme a break, it was a year ago.

Anyway, we asked a random stranger what to do. He said belief was powerful in the Outlands, and it shaped Sigil itself. So our fighter had an idea.
Fighter:Ok, I run toward the Lady's quarter.
DM:What about the wall?
Fighter:What wall?
(We all laugh at him, thinking he's done for.)
DM:You all see him pass through the absence of a wall where nothing has ever been.

Then we all went snooping around, and saw the Lady herself.
DM:Okay, reflex saves to hide from her.
Barbarian:(Rolls a one)Umm... what Lady?
DM:Not gonna work, too many people believe in her, roll a will save.
Barbarian:(Rolls)...2.
DM:Her eyes glow blue as she magically makes your brain implode.

Later, still in the Lady's quarter.
Talking guide book:The key is in this spot.
Dm:You see nothing.
(after many Spot, Search, and various other checks)
Fighter:I stab the book repeatedly, and rip out its binding.
DM:It starts bleeding.
Fighter:Blood? It was alive?
DM:Not blood, light. It forms into a tree of light, and the blind girl sticks out her hand. An apple drops into her hand; the key to limbo.

(later, being faced with an army of guards)
Me:What guards? I run through the absent space where there are no guards.
DM:They throw a net on you, wrap you up, and take you to prison. You all wake up later, having huge headaches, and chained to huge posts inside an arena. The crowd is cheering, and a gate opens in the other end. Out comes a giant red dragon.
Me:We're only 3rd level! How can we beat that?
DM:Just as it gets near you, the merchant (an uber character from some other place) comes and jumps on top of the dragon and stabs it repeatedly.
Merchant:Go! Go to the gate!
Wizard:Um, we're still chained to these posts...

In the temple of something, in Limbo.
DM:This hallway seems particularly moist, and has two sets of spikes running parallel on the edges of the floor and ceiling.
Party:We go into the hallway.
DM:The doors close, and the ceiling and the floor are becoming closer together. You are being eaten alive.
Wizard:I jump on the uvula and tug really hard.
DM:The hallway re-widens, and pukes all over you. Fort saves, please. Hallway bile is very acidic.

Later, at the end of the campaign
Fighter:I'll have ten draws from the deck of many things.
(Drawing and shuffling)

The fighter got 4 Dread wraiths, 5 Pit lords, and a mortal archvillain mad at him, and died multiple times over.

SCPRedMage
2007-10-01, 10:30 PM
Alright, here's my more recent one.

We're playing a Blood of Heroes (in other words, superhero) game, and my character is a brawler type; high martial arts, tough as bricks, but not much else to speak of in terms of powers.

The BBEG manage to really tick my character off by blowing up the his house, while he was in there, drinking the milk straight from the carton. Naturally, it didn't really hurt, but damnit, now I needed new milk!

So I go about tracking 'em down the only way the character knows how: by beating people up. So I go to a bad part of town and pick a fight with some thugs, and after a somewhat humorous fight (wherein the GM rolls to see if they even HAVE anything that can hurt, rolls good enough for one of them to pull out a hand grenade, and then promptly BOTCHES the throw), I scare one of them into telling me where the BBEG's goons hang out. He tells me they hang out in a night club, and I drag the poor guy along, to make sure he's telling the truth.

So anyways, we get there, and sure enough, they're in the corner playing poker. So I go over, THROW the poor thug onto the table, and say simply...

"And I raise you one street thug."

Of course, since these people KNEW they just blew me up, and I'm standing there slightly burnt but otherwise fine, they were pretty easy to intimidate into doing what I wanted. So I get one of them to give me enough money to replace my clothes and what other few possesions I had; heck, he even had someone bring over some milk. So, of course, I turn to the guy next to him and say...

"Okay, he's paid me back; how 'bout you?"

Managed to get just shy $5000 out of them, a Rolex (from a frightened goon that didn't have as much money on 'em), and a LOT of milk!

Kyle
2007-10-02, 01:34 AM
The down and dirty fighter exhasperated with the dandy mage complaining about getting his new robes dirty in a dungeon crawl; "You're an adventurer! You're on an adventure! ADVENTURE, damn you!"

Lavidor
2007-10-02, 06:14 AM
That, my friend wins the topic. Permission to add it to my sig?

Sure, what the heck.

Querzis
2007-10-02, 08:12 AM
Mines are probably not as funny as all the others until now, but I still think it was really funny.

So I'm playing my favorite character ever, Olaf, a male human barbarian with 8 int but 15 wis. He was a pervert and the DM knew it so, as we get near the capital of the kingdom, the NPC paladin in our group start talking about the princess and how shes the most beautifull women in the land.

When we get closer we see that the gates of the city are being attacked by a group of orcs so we kill them and enter the city with people cheering us for our victory. A masked girl come close to me and give me a letter then walk away. I start to read it (yes I spent the two skills point to be able to read) and the letters say that she is the princess (surprise) and that I had really impressed her while fighting those orcs so she invited me to come to her chamber in one of the tower, the wall is covered in vines and easy to climb.

I'm not convinced so I look at the royal seal on the letter and compare it with the ones on a soldier armor. I got a good spot check so I realize the eagle on the seal of the letter is not the same as on the armor. Just to be sure I show the letter to the paladin and he tell me it must be a fake since the princess almost never leave the castle.

So I throw the letter. Our half-elf fighter spot it. Hes curious so he read it, go there instead of me and, of course, get imprisonned (hes lucky the guards didnt killed him).

With the help of the paladin we manage to get him out of there by talking to the princess (and she trully is the cutest women Olaf ever saw). As soon as he get out I tell him that hes really dumb then he said:

«Are you crazy? It was totally worth it, she was naked when I got there.»

So I start to cry and say I'm really dumb while our wizard and our monk (who are both female) look at us in disgust.


In the same game: Olaf, Blaze (our human druid) and Lindryel (our elf wizard) are waiting in a tavern. Enialis (our half-elf fighter) and Euphemy (our halfing monk) are following a corrupt noble around the city since they are the only one with a hide and a move silently check worth a damn. We hope we can prove hes a bad guy that way. After a while they come back and tell us that he spotted them and threatened them to call the guards.

That night, everyone is already sleeping while I'm still drinking and flirting with the barmaid. At that moment the corrupt noble enter the tavern with 3 masked mens (we later discover that those are orcs from the enemy kingdom). As soon as he see and recognize me, he speak to the others and they leave the tavern. I go to sleep.

In the morning I tell the others what I saw. The monk ask me why I havent followed them so I reply: «Oh sure, he spotted two short and stealthy people in a large crowd but I'm sure he wont notice the 7 feets tall drunk barbarian behind him in a deserted street!»

Alex12
2007-10-02, 08:24 AM
This was in a Play-by-Post game on another forum, but it made me laugh.
The half-elf ranger, upon learning that a particular character is a half-dragon: "What do you mean by HALF dragon?
Does that mean you are going to roast us with only one of your nostrils?"

Not as funny as some of the stuff here, but still amusing.

Nevar
2007-10-02, 02:13 PM
First some lengthy background

So I was in a GURPS cyberpunk Hero campaign with random character creation. Luck had it that I rolled a full conversion cyborg only human thing about me was my brain even luckier was I was part of a program of a Large company building lots of military/ Security hardware. However I also rolled that I was wanted and a highprofile target. Stated as that I escaped from the coporation and was on the run from them as well as my name and description all over the net. Well joined up with the party as a pack of mercenaries. However because of my status durring my escape I had no ammo no money and about 30 days worth of power left as long as I didn't use my head mounted laser wich would take off 1 day of the 30 days I had left. Two funny moments came from this:

Meeting the group: After hidding for a day or two I start looking for work find an add for a mercenary group (The party). So I go and inquire
Me: Hello I read your add on the net saying you needed some new recruits. I'd like to apply
Party member one: Well we can't accept any old person that walks in here. How do you qualify.
Me: (Knowing the people I had to actually have a good reason else be snubbed) to *DM* I show off all my weapons.
DM: ok everyone in the room make spot checks as you see this cyborg extrude a machinegun from his right palm a shotgun from his left a shoulder mounted machine gun mounts on his shoulder from the back an eye mounted laser protrudes from his left eye vibro blades come out of hands and pulling up his shirt shows 2 mini launchers.
Everyone: rolls about as bad as they could get
DM: ok well that's all you see

Yea not a single person noticed that none of the weapons were loaded or that I had not ammo at all or the dimness of the laser in my eye from low power.

Second event:

We went to a local bar to meet a contact. However it turned out to be a trap. I also at this time learned that I had a strategy chip that would advise me on stratigic matters. It's voice was of a younge woman or at least that's what the DM said. Well busting out of the back room starts a bar fight and it spills out onto the street. Seeing a large disturbance and secuity sirens in the background I run out of the ally fortanitly I can run about 60 miles per hour. I get to the far end of the ally look back and see my party members getting pretty messed up by 2-3 guys that are left standing from the bar fight. As luck would have it they were in a straight line from me.

Me: How from me to the first guy can I get up to my top speed.
DM: yes....
Me: I run at him full speed
DM: you do what?
Me: I run full speed and thru him if I can
DM: umm... how much do you weigh
Me: about 600 Lbs
DM: ok you go thru him as you hear a sickening crunch of bones breaking and flesh tearing thru his body
Me: ok I go thru the other two as well
DM: But the third one is next to a wall....
Me: Well I guess the wall stops me
DM: ..... umm well.... damn.... Rolls some dice.... Well you go thru the brick wall and a voice chirps on in your head. "Running thru walls is not a good stratigic attack"

I was nicknamed koolaid after that.

Brockpaine
2007-10-02, 05:20 PM
Early in the game, we had entered a building trying to ascertain why there was so much ice on the ground even in summer. We arrived in the last room and found a pile of snow accompanied by snoring noises. Our bard immediately demanded to talk to it, and strode up to the snowpile, poking it and saying loudly "WHAT HO! How's your day?"

*White dragon frost breath to the face!*

-----------------------------------------------

Shortly afterwards, we were wandering through the mountains.
DM: "You come to a ten-foot wide chasm. There is no bridge."
Me: "Okay, does anyone have a grappling hook?" (No one does.)
Thokk the Barbarian: "Hmm. I have an idea." *Grabs the gnome bard from the previous scenario.*
Bard: "Hey, no, what??"
Thokk: "I tie a rope around his waist and throw him."
DM: "Ooookay. Make a strength check." *Thokk rolls and fails.*
Thokk: "Oops."
Me: "I grab the rope and pull him up for another try."
Bard: "WHHAAAA!!"
Thokk: "I try again."
Me: "I assist Thokk."
DM: "Roll strength."
*Both of us rolled high, fortunately for the bard.*

riffin
2007-10-02, 05:48 PM
DM:The wizard gives you a sick feeling in your stomach, so you--
me: omg! does he have red hair???? (its funny, but actually had a good point...)

(we approach a large rune in a mindflayers lair...btw we owned him after)
me: sweet! fancy magic rune! i wanna read it!
everyone else: dude! no! what the hell?
me:...fine. i dont.
cleric: hey, lets move a goat on it!
*we do...*
* tons of gallons of acid fall on the goat, all but vaporizing it.*
me:...i could have rolled a reflex.

acclue_lockheart
2007-10-02, 08:57 PM
Once in an in-person entirely homebrew game, I was playing this kid who had psychic powers, but only when he was unconscious (I conveniently fainted at the sight of blood, but that's beside the point) we were standing outside a door in a line (because the DM had made the hallways too small) and we knew there were a bunch of orcs on the other side. So one of the ninjas (for some reason every other person in the game made a ninja) decided to knock out my character ahead of time to save the trouble of missing a turn of psychicness before there was bloodshed, so he hit my character over the head with the hilt of his sword.

Unfortunately, the good-natured child wasn't in control of himself when he was asleep, and ended up throwing the ninja through the door and into two orcs. The fight continued for a little while until it came around to my turn again.

DM: Alright, what do you do?
Me: Is there anything left of the door?
DM: Yeah, but it shattered all over.
Me: Alright, I use my powers to lift the biggest shard there and shoot it in a line through these two.
DM: uhh, okay, roll.
Me: *rolls* natural 20...
DM: The shard shoots through both their necks and they fall over dead.
Everyone else: *pause*
Me: Holy crap, was that a vorpal door?

"vorpal door" has become a term we use every time improvised weapons end up killing someone :P

NEO|Phyte
2007-10-02, 09:14 PM
Alright, here's my more recent one.

We're playing a Blood of Heroes (in other words, superhero) game, and my character is a brawler type; high martial arts, tough as bricks, but not much else to speak of in terms of powers.

The BBEG manage to really tick my character off by blowing up the his house, while he was in there, drinking the milk straight from the carton. Naturally, it didn't really hurt, but damnit, now I needed new milk!

So I go about tracking 'em down the only way the character knows how: by beating people up. So I go to a bad part of town and pick a fight with some thugs, and after a somewhat humorous fight (wherein the GM rolls to see if they even HAVE anything that can hurt, rolls good enough for one of them to pull out a hand grenade, and then promptly BOTCHES the throw), I scare one of them into telling me where the BBEG's goons hang out. He tells me they hang out in a night club, and I drag the poor guy along, to make sure he's telling the truth.

So anyways, we get there, and sure enough, they're in the corner playing poker. So I go over, THROW the poor thug onto the table, and say simply...

"And I raise you one street thug."

Of course, since these people KNEW they just blew me up, and I'm standing there slightly burnt but otherwise fine, they were pretty easy to intimidate into doing what I wanted. So I get one of them to give me enough money to replace my clothes and what other few possesions I had; heck, he even had someone bring over some milk. So, of course, I turn to the guy next to him and say...

"Okay, he's paid me back; how 'bout you?"

Managed to get just shy $5000 out of them, a Rolex (from a frightened goon that didn't have as much money on 'em), and a LOT of milk!
I like your style, you know how to make a good entrance.

SCPRedMage
2007-10-02, 09:22 PM
I like your style, you know how to make a good entrance.
What can I say, never get between a martial artist and his milk!