BADASS episode 1:Elephant Gun

[D20ragon]

Throughout time and space, far and near, in the future, the past, and present, certain individuals exist who are for various reasons just...more Badass then the rest of us.
These people can do things like fighting tigers riding on rollerskates in the Antarctic without worrying about the cold, or the fact that tigers don't live in the South Pole.
These people are known as BadAsses, and I am here to chronicle their tale.


One hot day in August, for various reasons, our heroes found themselves in the Grand Opening of the First Intersteller Bank.
For the first time in history, aliens and humans would be able to store their currency's in one location, and rest easy knowing their cash, moolah, dough, bread, or loot would be secure.
The broad marble floors were packed pillar to vast pillar with beings of all sorts, and the asteroid fairly groaned with the combined weight of their feet, hoofs, paws, tentacles, wheels, pseudopods, rockets and ectoplasm.
The President stands in front of the red ribbon, holding the ceremonial Shears, his head ringed in the smoke from his hookah.
He is in the process of giving a long winded speech which only a few attend to, the rest attending to their corndogs and beer.

[MichaelGoldclaw]

The General is talking to some people, boasting about his tales of battle and heroism. "And then the terrorist took cover in a orphanage. AN ORPHANAGE! What sort of heartless monster goes into an orphanage when fighting US Rangers. So I went in and saw that he was holding a gun to a child's head. I had one shot to nail him before he could kill the poor child. And of course I sent the bastard to Satan. I guess the 66 virgins he will find are going to all be men."

[Sønderjye]

Hector looks at his beer thinking" I loves his beers like he loves his wife. Oh well. I don't have a wife but I still love me beers. He puts the bottle to his big mout and empties it in a blink of an eye. He then throws it over the shoulder making it briefly balance on a branch before falling into the trashcan beneath.Another! he says with his rough voice.

But this is just to fool onlookers. In reality he is scouting for whoever is going to assault the president this time. He trust the semibadass guards to save his life. Again. But he wants to be ready for the chase

[ben-zayb]

In one of the more aesthetically-refined tables, The Professor can be seen telling a tale of his own to his unusually highly-attentive friend, who most people refer to as The Most Interesting Man. On their lap sat a gorgeous woman or two each, ogling and subtly taking in the irresistible scent of both the spicy gentlemen..

[Enyalius]

Adrian sits alone at a table, eating funnel cake and drinking lemonade, while listening to music on his phone, lightly bobbing his head with the rhythm of the beat. Using his sense of smell and touch to keep alert, by feeling the vibrations through the ground, using his cane that is currently in the crook of his left elbow, and his nose to give him a heads up if anyone walks too close.


OOC: Yes, there are features on some phones to help the blind use them.

[Soliloquy]

Monru sits near the back, guzzling down beer after beer, although the astute observer might notice that very little of it seems to be getting into his mouth. The even more astute observer might even notice that in fact none of it is going into his mouth. It is all being funneled into bottles under his coat, so that he can resell it later for a profit. Which is good, because the most astute observer might notice that he probably isn't old enough to drink anyway, and his grizzly beard is taped on. He looks around the room, taking notes of all the people who appear to be badass enough to warrant his attention.
He thinks to himself,
"That one's a braggart, but his overconfidence hides his overskill. Thinks there's no such thing as overkill."
"That one's got the eyes, but he hides them in his beer. We have quite a bit in common."
There are a few more who look like they can handle themselves, but those are the one's he notices most.
"Oh look, a blind guy. Hope he's on my side, those guys are tough. At least he isn't a little girl or an old man. I hate being outclassed."

[Jormengand]

Gyges sat slumped in the corner of the room, stony-faced. It was hard for him to be anything else-faced, given that his face was a missile launcher.

On the other side of the room was a teenage girl - she must have been around sixteen, but she was flat-chested and shied away from particularly heavy physical affection. Those around her whispered that she must be underdeveloped, the poor thing, but she paid them no mind, standing with her back to the bar, chugging down glass after glass of coca-cola and periodically slamming down money for more.

This was Anna, and she didn't care too much what others thought of her. People had been telling her what she could and couldn't be all her life. She would prove them all wrong.

She would also make a smartass check to make sure nothing untoward is going to happen to her or those around her.

[roll0]

[ArlEammon]

"Well, I keep trying to listen to the President but I can't understand anything he says." Grandpa said. He walked over to a hot young eighteen year old model and groped her. . . suddenly he was knocked unconscious by Grandma. "For SHAME GRANDPA!!!" The old woman barked. A splash of cold water later and Grandpa woke up and gave Grandma an apologetic look. "A four hundred year old man and an eighteen year old girl? Not to mention YOu'RE MARRIED! WITH ME!!" Grandma said. Grandpa promptly disappeared in a magical puff of smoke, making himself invisible as he decided to hide for the duraiton of the party.

[Jormengand]

Anna looked up in alarm as a girl screeched, and saw an elderly woman beating the living daylights out of her husband. Four... hundred?

She looked up at the old woman with a look of surprise, and managed to get out three words.

"What just happened?"

[ArlEammon]

"Grandpa just got googlie eyes and grab happy. . . He's been like this ever since he set up that weird laboratory, with his experiments. Frankly I think he's been a little weird ever since he started reading from those weird books of his."

[Sir Dancealot]

Celise leaned against the blade she had rammed into the ground, shaking her head at the sheer... ridiculousness of the situation. Sighing, she shook her head as she watched for trouble. The president was fond of such outing that put him at risk. She figured he enjoyed watching people fight for him. Not that it mattered to her. All she had to do was make sure he wasn't kidnapped or killed.

[D20ragon]

The president concludes his speech with a self important puff of hookah smoke, and, without further ado, cuts the ribbon.
Every plot aware being in the building holds their breath as the dramatic moment passes, but all remains calm.
Everyone has returned to their beer and corndogs by the time the president reaches the vault door, ready for the ceremonial opening.
He takes the remote put from his toga folds, raises it gloriously in the air, and presses a button.
For a moment, nothing happens.
Then, a small "cheep cheep" sounds from the vault.
This sound, however, is mostly drowned out by the panic that erupts as the far left wall explodes inward.
Shrapnel and rubble fly into the air, obscuring the vision of those present.
As the dust settles, large silhouettes can be seen approaching.
Tailor made suits cover hulking bodies. Sunglasses cover tiny pig-like eyes.
Blades cover ivory white tusks.
The ground shakes as 5 elephants stride into the room, somehow clutching swords, handguns and rocket launchers in forelegs and trunks.
One of them taps the side of the boombox on his shoulder.
Immediately,
Round One (http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xsF1pzO8p9M) begins to play.
It's kickass time.

[MichaelGoldclaw]

General McAwesome drops the cigar in his mouth in awe, but then he pulls out his desert eagle. He gets into cover and then assesses the situation. "Looks like Ghandi forgot to teach the elephants in his country to love."

[Jormengand]

Anna shudders, keeping hold of her glass while doing so. "Sounds like someone failing to rap. Terrible."

She puts in the earphones of an MP3 player with practically nothing on it but battle music, and starts playing Show No Tears. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZZTiuJ9sMg) Because true badassery doesn't need any words, and because Anna can totally win this in one minute thirty-five seconds.

She then downs her drink and smiles. "Well, looks like I didn't come here for nothing."

I need to know how Initiative or equivalent is going down before I do anything, but I'm probably going to bid 4 BP for 4 actions, plus any more BP that I get for music or general badass actions.

[Enyalius]

"Hmm, and I thought today would be a nice, relaxing day." The blind man says to himself, having felt the vibrations from the explosion, "Guess I was wrong." he adds, chuckling to himself as he stands up, removing his earbuds and putting them away. Using the sound from the boom box to 'see' the swordsman begins walking over to the group.

"Now then, time to see what all the fuss is about."


I will bet 3 BP, and I am just walking over to the elephants right now I don't know where Adrian is in regards to everything so, yeah. Also I don't want to do anything without giving the others a chance to act.

[Soliloquy]

"Howdah-r you attack while we're getting trunk?! I thotti that athrophants were smart. Well you shouldn't hastin-terred before you knocked mahout!" He straightens his cuffs as he walks towards them.

Betting 4.

[ArlEammon]

Badass Grandpa, being invisible, appears behind one of the invaders and promptly attempts to knock them out with a strike to the back of the head. He readies a Force Lightning spell as an attack once he's no longer invisible. He readies himself for a hell of a fight.

betting 1 kickass

[ben-zayb]

"...and that, my friend, is why Dr. Banner is more frightening than the Hulk", The Professor finishes his story just in time to see the rumbling storm of chaos. He then stands up, and reaches for the laser pointer from his side pocket. He then addresses his good old friend and the ladies that accompanied both of them.

"Ladies and gent, would you indulge me in a little demo on one of my expertise? Machine Language, to be precise."

Betting 3 points

[Sønderjye]

No! Don't hurt the poor elephants! they are scared and confused! He shouts while rushing towards the elephants planning to calm them by forcing their head to the ground and talking soothing words or joy and a world without firearms.

betting 2 bp

[D20ragon]

The Swordsman elephant looks taken aback as two of the people in the room move towards them, instead of fleeing.
Got a death wish?
He asks, before hurling his massive sword at the onrushing Badass hippy.
[roll0]
The sword bends and folds as it travels through the air, until it resembles a huge bladed boomerang.

[Sønderjye]

Seing the blade moving towards Hector he will try to use the boomerang to his advantage. Bommerangs come back to their thrower right. He not jump over but jump ONTO the blade boomerang holding on to it until it returns to the thrower and kick him in the face.

[rool]2d6+8[/roll] Assuming it is breaking the laws of physic to balance on a giant boomerang

[ben-zayb]

"Everything in that boombox--the power distribution, the sounds, etc.--are merely controlled and regulated by signals, which can just be broken down to a series of 1s and 0s, received by the machine. Now safeguard your ears for a moment, please, while I show what happens when all sorts of control and regulation is thrown out the window."

The Professor then points the Dewey Disruptor (embedded in the laser pointer) at the boombox and activates in an attempt to jam the device.Action 1: [roll0] (Smartass +3, Minor in Asskicking +2, Dewey Disruptor +2)
if the boombox is still working, action 2 repeating action 1: [roll1]
if the boombox is still working, action 3 repeating action 1: [roll2]

If I still have action/s left (assuming the boombox easily got jammed), I'll delay it/them to observe and telegraph the first/first-two martial arts style that I can see from the elephants.
Roll 1 (if any) [roll3] (Smartass +3, Awesome by Analysis +4, GRID +2)
Roll 2 (if applicable) [roll4]

[Jormengand]

Anna sighs, and rushes up to the elephant sporting a boombox.

1: Go to elephant
2: If boombox hasn't been disabled yet, do so [roll0] otherwise punch elephant [roll1]
3: If boombox hasn't been disabled yet, do so [roll2] otherwise if elephant is alive punch elephant otherwise punch another elephant [roll3]
4: If boombox hasn't been disabled yet, do so [roll4] otherwise run through the hole in the wall that the elephants made.

[Enyalius]

'Seems that there's no chance to settle this in a peaceful manner.' He thinks to himself.

"Alright, I was getting bored anyway." are the last words out of his mouth before he starts running towards one of the pachyderms, once he gets close he launches himself into the air, trying to knock out one of the elephants withe the blunt side of his blade.


[roll0] if miss follow up attack with second strike [roll1] attempt third strike if missed again [roll2]

If hit move to different target [roll3], if second target misses follow up with second strike [roll4]

If second target hits, move to third target [roll5]

All attacks are with the blunt side of the sword so as not to cause death.

[Soliloquy]

"Better start fighting before I make another pun," he thinks.


Moves over to the elephant in front
Does a flying roundhouse kick [roll0] (+2 kickass, +4 hasn't taken that action yet)
Rebounds towards the elephant the that elephant's left
Knee! [roll1] (assuming that doesn't count as a different action)

[MichaelGoldclaw]

General McAwesome stayed in cover, but he poked his head out to analyze the area and the targets.

As per my Flava, I am analysing the situation to get a +2 to attacks

[D20ragon]

Seing the blade moving towards Hector he will try to use the boomerang to his advantage. Bommerangs come back to their thrower right. He not jump over but jump ONTO the blade boomerang holding on to it until it returns to the thrower and kick him in the face.

[rool]2d6+8[/roll] Assuming it is breaking the laws of physic to balance on a giant boomerang
The swordsman yanks his boomerang sword out from underneath you within his trunk, avoiding your kick.(14)
His two other hands reach out towards you, huge gloved fingers snatching at your throat.
(12)

Rolls made on Random.org (http://www.random.org/integers/?num=2&min=6&max=16&col=2&base=10&format=html&rnd=new)



"Everything in that boombox--the power distribution, the sounds, etc.--are merely controlled and regulated by signals, which can just be broken down to a series of 1s and 0s, received by the machine. Now safeguard your ears for a moment, please, while I show what happens when all sorts of control and regulation is thrown out the window."

The Professor then points the Dewey Disruptor (embedded in the laser pointer) at the boombox and activates in an attempt to jam the device.Action 1: [roll0] (Smartass +3, Minor in Asskicking +2, Dewey Disruptor +2)
if the boombox is still working, action 2 repeating action 1: [roll1]
if the boombox is still working, action 3 repeating action 1: [roll2]

If I still have action/s left (assuming the boombox easily got jammed), I'll delay it/them to observe and telegraph the first/first-two martial arts style that I can see from the elephants.
Roll 1 (if any) [roll3] (Smartass +3, Awesome by Analysis +4, GRID +2)
Roll 2 (if applicable) [roll4]


The boombox dies away with a sullen crackle as you disable it. The elephants pause as some of their badassery drains away, and as they stand in confusion, you can pick up some of their moves.
The one holding the boombox evidently practices some form of breakdancing martial art, and the swordsman obviously throws boomerang swords.


Anna sighs, and rushes up to the elephant sporting a boombox.

1: Go to elephant
2: If boombox hasn't been disabled yet, do so [roll0] otherwise punch elephant [roll1]
3: If boombox hasn't been disabled yet, do so [roll2] otherwise if elephant is alive punch elephant otherwise punch another elephant [roll3]
4: If boombox hasn't been disabled yet, do so [roll4] otherwise run through the hole in the wall that the elephants made.

The first elephant pirouettes of the way with a grace betraying its size, then leaps over your second punch, and ends in a split to avoid your third, the ground trembling beneath his massive.... Mass.
Your keen eyes notice the fact that the elephant is wearing toe shoes.


'Seems that there's no chance to settle this in a peaceful manner.' He thinks to himself.

"Alright, I was getting bored anyway." are the last words out of his mouth before he starts running towards one of the pachyderms, once he gets close he launches himself into the air, trying to knock out one of the elephants withe the blunt side of his blade.


[roll0] if miss follow up attack with second strike [roll1] attempt third strike if missed again [roll2]

If hit move to different target [roll3], if second target misses follow up with second strike [roll4]

If second target hits, move to third target [roll5]

All attacks are with the blunt side of the sword so as not to cause death.

The first blow shakes the elephant holding the boombox out of his stupor, though it causes no damage.
The other two smash into his kneecaps, and he keels over, out of the fight.
You leap to another, which somehow appears... Less organic then his fellows.
But before you draw near, he whirls around, parrying the blows with his arm, which clanks strangely.


"Better start fighting before I make another pun," he thinks.


Moves over to the elephant in front
Does a flying roundhouse kick [roll0] (+2 kickass, +4 hasn't taken that action yet)
Rebounds towards the elephant the that elephant's left
Knee! [roll1] (assuming that doesn't count as a different action)

You catch the swordsman in the side of the head with a somewhat less then satisfying thud!
He wavers, but only barely.
The ballet dancer, however, is more on their guard, and avoids your knee, swaying to the left as you hurtle by their head.


General McAwesome stayed in cover, but he poked his head out to analyze the area and the targets.

As per my Flava, I am analysing the situation to get a +2 to attacks

The scene is absurd, to say the least.
Of the four remaining elephants, the Swordsman, a Ballet Dancer, what seems to be a Cyborg, and a elephant in a apron triple wielding flame throwers are regaining their bearings after the shock of losing their theme song.
The Ballet dancer snakes his trunk after Monru,(12) seeking to seize his ankle and pull him into the elephants waiting foot. (7)
The cyborg's arm bends strangely, twisting and clicking to reveal steel cables tipped with blades that stream forth at the blind swordsman.
(15)
(10)
And the aproned pachyderm opens fire with all three flamethrowers, setting the area around Anna ablaze, the flames searing the very air.
(15)
(14)
(5)

[ben-zayb]

The Professor first consults his database for anthropomorphic elephant anatomy, including how elephant nervous system works to telegraph it.
[roll0] (+3 S.A., +4 Flavor #1, +2 Tool #2)
He then pays attention to the swordsman, and disses it in order to humiliate the creature and reveal its combat weakness to anyone who wants to engage it. "See that poor elephant playing catch over there? Great combat style offensively, but terribly prone from the moment the toy is out of reach. You should've spent a few more decades in momma elephant's belly to learn better, kiddo."
Not sure how taunting / demoralization affects people, but here goes [roll1] (+2 W.A., +2 Tool #1)
The Professor will then try to apply his knowledge on electronics and machine language in an attempt to damage the Cyborg Elephant.
[roll2] (+3 S.A., +2 Flavor #2, +2 Tool #3)

[Sønderjye]

With tears in his eyes Hector tries to apologize but it's hard when you are being chocked. Hector will transform his arm into whatever the line thingy batman shoots into stuff and shoots it into the ceiling above. He will pull himself just above the Elephants head. He then lets the line loose, spin so his head is facing the elephant, grap the hands still at his throat and uses the momentum from being pulled up to throw the elephant back into the wall it came from. If he suceed he will follow it.

[roll0] edit: which becomes 18 woth the +2 from general mcawesome

Also editted to clarify what I ment

[Sir Dancealot]

Sighing at the display, Celise pulls her sword out of the ground, walking towards the fight. Well, stepping towards it anyway. It seems that they couldn't hold the Elephants back overly well as they were getting close to her. With a loud crack, she popped her neck and jumped into the fray, her oversized sword striking twice as she lands.


I shall bet... 2 Badass Points

[roll0] On a Strike to the Swordsman Elephant

[roll1] On a Strike to the Ballerina Elephant

[MichaelGoldclaw]

General McAwesome pops out of cover and holds his Desert Eagle in one hand. He then fires the .50 hand cannon. As he does this, he says "We are the toughest sons of bitches God Almighty made with his own two hands. Let's show them how to kick ass."

[roll0] (1 kick ass, 2 from flava, 2 from the tool.)

Everyone else gets +2 to attack

[Enyalius]

Adrain's blade flashes in a series of rapid slashes, trying to cut apart the cables, before striking at the elephant's cybernetics.

[roll0] at the cables, if it doesn't work the first time then [roll1] again, and again [roll2] to cut through the cables, if it cuts the cables the first or second time then [roll3] to cut apart the cyborg pachyderm, if the cables were cut the first time but the elephant wasn't brought down with the first attack then [roll4], if it was move to ballet dancer, then [roll5].

He tries to kill me, screw non-lethal.

[Soliloquy]

"Well that's just embarrassing," he thinks. He attacks the elephant who dodged with a wild vengeance.

[roll0]
[roll1]
[roll2]
[roll3]

[Sønderjye]

Seing Anna is a dire troubles Hectors will gather all his baddasery and after throwing the elephant towards the wall he will shoot a line out his cyborg arm, grap the flying elephant and swing it around and into the other elephant. All while still flowing in the air.

Using a badass point.
[roll0] +4 kickass, +4 cause you can't be flowing in the air for this long, +2 animals, +2 cyborg arm, +2 general. This does however seem like a bit too much. Should I nerf him?