your best d&d jokes

[CyberThread]

An elf, a human and a dwarf are all enjoying drinks in a tavern when each notices a fly in their glass.
The elf places his napkin over the glass and pushes it off to the side.
The human removes the fly and keeps drinking.
The dwarf pulls out the fly and starts yelling, "Spit it out, ya turd! Spit it out!"

[gorfnab]

Why did the fey cross the road? To get to the other sidhe.

[Sheogoroth]

In Celestia : the cooks are Gnomish,
the guards are human,
the merchants are Dwarvish,
the lovers are Elvish
and the bards are Halfling.

In Hell: the cooks are Human,
the guards are Halfling,
the merchants are Elvish,
the lovers are Dwarvish,
and the bards are Gnomish.

[ChaoticDitz]

An Elven Cleric somehow gets separated from his party deep inside a cave. Turning around a dark corner, he bumps into a fairly good sized black dragon. Frightened out of his wits, he drops to his knees and starts praying. Oddly, the dragon does the same. The cleric leaps up, dancing, shouting "I'm saved!" The dragon tilts his head and says, "No, you don't understand...I'm saying 'Grace.'"

[Deophaun]

Monk 20.

What? Someone had to.

[Pex]

An elf and a human walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.

Don't be too hard on the cleric who betrays his deity and becomes undead. He's a heceuva guy.

[justiceforall]

I'm still a huge fan of the oldest classic - "Jesus saves... everyone else takes damage."


In Hell: the cooks are Human,
the guards are Halfling,
the merchants are Elvish,
the lovers are Dwarvish,
and the bards are Gnomish.

I think you meant that last line to read "and the Gnomes are from Dragonlance".

[jaydubs]

-So your group plays D&D?
-Nah, our GM likes to keep us low level. We play G&T.
-G and T? What's that?
-Goblins and Taverns.

[Devils_Advocate]

Behold, a previous thread (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?110144-roleplaying-game-jokes) of the same nature! Now let me bask in your gratitude.

...

What? What?! I should so totally get credit for all of those jokes! You wouldn't have seen them if I hadn't linked them, would you? Sure, I didn't come up with most of them myself, but it should be results that are valued, not how much work went into them. If presents are only appreciated in proportion to the sacrifice they represent, that makes it impossible to give them efficiently, and it means that you want your friends to be inconvenienced on your behalf, which is deranged. An URL should totally be a valid gift! (http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=1823)

Bah. Bah! BAH!

:P ;) XD

(Yeah, obviously I'm just kidding, I mean the old thread I'm linking to isn't even remotely long.)
(I'm serious about attitudes towards gifts though. TANGENTIAL RANT.)

[RedMage125]

Why did the fey cross the road? To get to the other sidhe.

Maybe it's because I read that word like it's supposed to be pronounced ("shee"), that I don't think that's a good joke.

Sorry.

One that's kind of meta-gamey...

Had a player who had a Fighter, liked to rummage through my Monster Manual between sessions, comparing his strength to various monsters ("I'm stronger than that, almost as strong as that..." etc). Party encounters a Kraken in the Underdark. Fighter player says "Ooh, a Kraken! I'm almost as strong as that!"

I tell him, "Dude, a Kraken can snap you in half"

Wizard's player "Snap, Kraken, Pop!"

[Chronos]

An old classic:

Human: Hey elf, you look like a girl.
Elf: To a human, everything must look like a girl.
Human: What?
Elf: Half-orcs, half-ogres...
Human: ...shut up.
Dwarf: Half-dragons, half-kobolds.
Human: I said shut up!
Elf: ...
Dwarf: ...
Human: ...
Elf: Centaurs...

[John Longarrow]

Of course there's always the one about the Illithid Prostitute, offered a mind blowing experience.

[Lightlawbliss]

How do you keep an adventurer in suspense?
tell him there is a mountain of gold behind a hidden door somewhere in the dungeon.

an adventurer finds a mountain made of solid gold: he curses because he never trained a relevant skill.

[Shining Wrath]

What do you call a blow with a cooking utensil right in a vital organ?

A critical spit.

[hymer]

My two staples:

How do you get a one-armed orc down from a flag pole?

You wave at him.


How do you recognize the goblin among the pirates?

He's the one with a patch over both eyes.

Groaning is permissible, but optional.

Edit:
They all laughed when I said I'd put max ranks in Perform (comedy). Well they're not laughing now.

[Rubik]

This (https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8096183/1/Harry-Potter-and-the-Natural-20) is chock-full of D&D-related hilarity.

[dysprosium]

How many characters does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them! Never split the party.

[The Grue]

Someone thought the Truenamer was a viable...I'm sorry, I can't even finish that sentence.

I'll show myself out.

[Derpldorf]

A Dwarf and a Gnome walk into a bar, the Human and Elf step over it.

A Human walks into a bar, the Dwarf and Gnome walk under it.

An Elf walks into a bar, the countryside is soon overrun by Bar Elves.

An Orc walks into a bar, no one is surprised. The owner demands payment for the hole in his wall.

[The Viscount]

A totemist, a binder, and a shadowcaster walk into a bar. The barkeep takes one look and walks away, grumbling, "Hold on, I gotta go to the library."

[RandomLunatic]

A fighter, a cleric, a wizard, and a halfling walk into a tavern. The barkeep takes one look at them and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

An orc walks into a bar and says "Ow."

Did you hear the one about the banshee? It's a scream.

Did you hear the one about the werewolf? You'll howl.

Did you hear the one about the Titan? Forget it, it's way over your head.

A Paladin charges into a bar, brandishing his sword. "All right, which one of you painted my horse green? Stand up and show yourself, knave!" he demands. Then, the biggest, ugliest, meanest looking orc you ever saw stands up and says, "Yeah, dat's me. Whaddya want?" The Paladin gulps and says, "I wanted to let you know I think it's time for a second coat."

[NoACWarrior]

A fighter, a cleric, a wizard, and a halfling walk into a tavern. The barkeep takes one look at them and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"


That one, I'll be asking what kind of class the halfling was. Otherwise joke incomplete :smalltongue:

[RandomLunatic]

That one, I'll be asking what kind of class the halfling was. Otherwise joke incomplete :smalltongue:

Halfling. This joke hails from the days of yore when Halfling was a class.

[Sayt]

"Wait, sorry, did I say Gazebo? I meant Glabrezu."

[Rubik]

"Wait, sorry, did I say Gazebo? I meant Glabrezu."I think that'd be better if you swapped the two words about.

[Captnq]

Monk 20.

What? Someone had to.

Well, if we're going to go down that road...
4th Edition

[Erik Vale]

A Paladin charges into a bar, brandishing his sword. "All right, which one of you painted my horse green? Stand up and show yourself, knave!" he demands. Then, the biggest, ugliest, meanest looking orc you ever saw stands up and says, "Yeah, dat's me. Whaddya want?" The Paladin thinks a bit and and says, "I wanted to let you know I think it's time for a second coat and I didn't want you to only half do the job."

Immune to fear, so FTFY... Maybe.

[Malimar]

from Lore Fitzgerald Sjöberg:

A fifth-level paladin drives his car to the repair shop.

He gets out and says to the mechanic "It's really weird. Normally I fight for justice and righteousness, but every time I get in this car I have this incredible urge to run over old ladies, drive way past the speed limit, and pick up hitchhiking demons. Can you help me?"

The mechanic looks the car over and says "Yeah, I see what the problem is. Your alignment's off."

[Knaight]

Well, if we're going to go down that road...
4th Edition

Beat me to it. Alternately, out of context: "You want to hear a nerdy joke?...4th edition."

[iceman10058]

i always thought that letting kinder into any castle was funny

[TrueJordan]

Immune to fear, so FTFY... Maybe.

Or a low-level paladin?

[Yomega]

Moradin made stout so the Dwarves wouldn't rule the world.

[BoutsofInsanity]

As a Dm...
Dawn breaks, the party fixes it.

Creature 1 takes this round too... Remain dead.

[Pex]

The fighter, rogue, cleric, and wizard are battling a lot of ghouls. The fighter does his best in the midst of them hoping his high AC keeps him healthy. The rogue can't sneak attack so pings away with a bow from afar. The cleric joins the fighter battling the ghouls after spending three rounds casting Divine Favor, Bull's Strength, and Protection From Evil on himself. The wizard casts Web hoping to hold off some of the ghouls, a Flaming Sphere to help the fighter with hit point attrition, and uses a scroll of Mirror Image for defense. It's a tough battle lasting several rounds. The cleric heals himself a bit. The wizard eventually has to resort to Magic Missile and even firing a crossbow. At last the final ghoul drops to the fighter's blade, but too late, that ghoul had already killed the cleric. After the party drinks several potions of healing and a few rounds after that, they get ready for battle again as the cleric's corpse rises as a ghoul. The rogue exclaims, "Oh so now he turns undead!"