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NecroPaladin
2007-02-10, 08:14 PM
(Originally in foot in mouth thread, realised this is less about wording than about dumb people in general)

Okay, I'm starting this thread because I have some BRILLIANT D and D stupidity stories to share, and I want to hear yours. Partially for fun, partially to make myself feel smart. And these aren't stupid character quotes unless they're really, really good. I don't want things that defy language; I want things that defy all basic common sense.

That said, here is my story (sadly, I am the perpetrator of this incident).

I tend to be a very smart and tactical D and D player, and only very rarely do I make mistakes. That said, though, occasionally I don't pay enough attention, and this COLLOSSAL show of idiocy during a low-level campaign keeps my friends wary of me to date:

My Scout: Do I see anything? I roll a Spot check. *rolls*
DM: You see a faint shimmering in the dark passage.
PC Barbarian: I head toward it.
DM: The shimmering is really a system of webs all along the passage! Make an Escape Artist check to avoid being entangled and unable to move!
PC Barbarian: *rolls* Crap.
PC Ninja: I head to his aid!
DM: Roll a Spot check as you run.
PC Ninja: *rolls* Wait, what?
DM: You see a family of giant spiders, climbing down the intricate webs to your struggling companion! To make it to him, roll an Escape Artist check.
PC Barbarian: You're a ninja, man. You screw this up and I'll smish you.
PC Ninja: *rolls* ONE! Crap!
PC Barbarian: If I could move now I WOULD smish you.
My Scout: Dude! The Spiders! Spiders!
NPC Spider1: Hssss! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 3+1 damage! Ow!
NPC Spider2: Shraaaaa! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 4+1 damage! Oooh!
NPC Spider3: Scree! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 1+1 damage! Gwah!
My Scout (looking above Barbarian): Oh man oh man oh man oh-
Large-size Spider: HREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 7+4 damage!
OW! You didn't say that one was BIG!
DM: Blame that on the ninja not asking me.
PC Ninja: Oh, come on-
My Scout (grinning): Wait! Don't worry guys! I just had a great idea! I can get 'em by setting fire to the web! *readies torch*
PC Barbarian: Wait...won't...not...um...! GAH!
PC Ninja: NOOO! NO NO NO WE CAN'T MOVE YOU IDIOT SUNUVABI-
My Scout: What? What??? *has already lowered torch*
DM: Oh...dear.
FHLAAAAAWSHWOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Three Smaller Spiders: Skraaah! 5 damage! Schreeekle! 4 damage! *drops* *drops* *drops*
Big Spider: MRIEEE 5 damage! EEEEE 6 damage! EEEEEE 5 damage! EEEEEEEEE 2 damage! EEEEE *falls from cieling* EERRRRG! 6 falling damage! *drops*
PC Barbarian: Ow. 6 damage! Ow. 3 damage! I'd better- 4 damage! die- 2 damage! soon- *drops, skin literally torched black*
My Scout (at a loss for words): eep.
PC Ninja: You god damn- 5 damage! Scout I- 1 damage! hate you so- 1 damage! f***ing- 3 damage! *crumples, smoldering, to his knees at -1 hp*
PC Ninja (lapsing into unconciousness): .....mmmuhhhhh....... *eyes loll back into head*
PC Ninja: ......shhhoooooowwww.......fuschhhinggggg........
PC Ninja (weakly raises finger):...........MUCH! *drops*



*Silence*



DM (Clapping Sarcastically): Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. You gonna loot your friends or just leave them there?
My Scout (Mouth wide open): ....guuuuhhhh....uhhhh.... *twitches*
My Scout: ........
My Scout: ...um...
My Scout: .....
My Scout: .....heh...huhm......oopsie?....
My Scout: .............................
My Scout: ...um...hehehe-about th-th-that-um-s-sorry!...
My Scout: .................................................. ...
My Scout: ...... *checks ninja's pockets*

DaMullet
2007-02-10, 08:20 PM
Yep, I saw it there, too. It was funnier the first time, but the real kicker is the "checks pockets" line. It always gets me.

Lessee... Shall I enumerate the countless times the PCs have hired hookers, in true GTA fashion, murdering them later for no reason (all Good parties, at the start), the times they've made greivous tactical errors in combat, surviving only because I was merciful, the times they've annoyed me so bad that I had to stop the game to keep from RFEDing* them?
*Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies
No, I shan't, because most of them aren't funny. But I'll post anyway.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-10, 08:27 PM
Well...Considering my most-played characters are a different species*, an archvillain**, and physically incapable of mating as well as religiously chaste***, I have yet to pull any of that hooker crap (seriously, what is up with the 1+ PCs who always do that?). The party as a whole has yet to make a decisive enough mistake for RFED, though.

* Goblin Scout. Seem familiar?
** Insane Cleric dedicated to the purpose of exact law and order at the loss of free will
*** Necropolitan Paladin. Double Whammy.

DaMullet
2007-02-10, 08:32 PM
I see. Necropolitan, is that like Vanilla, Chocolate, and Zombie Ice Cream?

NecroPaladin
2007-02-10, 08:36 PM
I see. Necropolitan, is that like Vanilla, Chocolate, and Zombie Ice Cream?

More like an intelligent, coordinated zombie who can speak for himself. Mentally complicated enough that if he was an Ice Cream he'd probably be Italian. Really not much of an improvement, considering it kills the drama when the Necromancer's "MINIONS...ATTACK" is responded to with "Oh now you really musn't yell so loud, m'lord! T'will hurt your voice, I'm sure!" instead of the ever-satisfying "BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS."

DaMullet
2007-02-10, 08:38 PM
I see.

I'm just going to assume I don't own the splatbook that comes out of and drop the matter, then.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-10, 08:46 PM
Libris Mortis: The Book of the Undead.

Make your eyes bleed description:
It's got enough rising dead to make any necropheliac "rise."
Won't make your eyes bleed description:
Pretty much the go-to reference if you're looking to make a Fight-starved Paladin very, very happy.

But seriously, I started this thread for stories...and I still feel stupid! *whines*

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-10, 09:20 PM
The paladin (myself) and the cleric are investigating a colossal skeleton held together by negative energy.

Paladin: Okay, stay back, let me see this... *Lay on hands for one point.*

DM: The area you touch goes white...then black, and channels the energy back at you, and you
take one point of negative energy damage.

Paladin: Hnn! That's not good. I don't know if we--

Cleric: ...I'm going to try and turn it.

Paladin: I'm not sure that's such a good ide--

Cleric: Turn Undead!

Long story short? We got commanded.

Edit: By a statue.

Edit edit: A FRIGGIN' STATUE.

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-02-10, 10:40 PM
My present campaign has a lot of oddball choices from my poor players. Here's a few favorites, some shown on this site before-

Me: You've just come to a small town. You're tired and it's in the middle of the night. Okay, true neutral rogue- what do you do first?
Rogue: Hmm. Any houses around that aren't being well guarded?
Me: Yeah, on the north side. All dirt poor, though.
Rogue: That's okay. I pick one and look in a window. Anyone there?
Me: You see an old man asleep by the fireplace.
Rogue: Good. I try to unlock the front door and sneak inside.
Me: You find his faithful dog at the foot of the door. He runs up to you and licks your face.
Rogue: You're trying to make me feel bad about this, aren't you?
Me: I'm not the one about to go straight to chaotic evil for first degree murder here.

Me: Okay barbarian, the soldiers suspect you might have something to do with the sudden attack on the city and point their weapons at you.
Barbarian: How many are there?
Me: About three dozen in the immediate area, probably a good idea to give yourself up.
Barbarian: No way. I rage and start punching them.
Me: *blinks*

NPC: I wouldn't go out there, there's a whole army waiting inside.
Sorceress: But I have to! My friend's in there!
NPC: Well you can count me out.
Sorceress: I sneak in anyway.
Me: Alright, roll your dice.
*rolls very poorly*
Me: You try to sneak in behind some crates, but you make lots of loud noises and instantly alert several of the evil soldiers. They run over to you.
Sorceress: Crap! Wait, I know! I'll seduce them.
Other Player: No, don't do that.
Me: Really. Are you serious? Do you really want to seduce the evil army?
Sorceress: Is that bad?
Me: Well, er...
Other Player: Yes, that's very bad. Don't do that, just give yourself up.
Sorceress: No, I've got really good charisma and diplomacy. I'm going to do it.
Me: You're serious?
Sorceress: Yes. I'm going to seduce them.
*rolls very highly*
Me: The good news is that they're all seduced immediately.
Sorceress: Yay!
Me: The bad news is that this was the single worst idea I have ever heard of, ever.
Other Player: Oh god, here we go.
Sorceress: What?
Other Player: They're EVIL.
*looks at other player* *looks at me* *looks back in horror*
Sorceress: Oops.

Rogue: I challenge the barbarian to a duel.

Me: You see an old man on the side of the road. He asks to travel in your wagon for a little while.
Rogue: I don't trust him. Sense motive.
*rolls*
Me: You have no reason to distrust this old man. He seems kind and honest.
Rogue: No, you're trying to trick us again.
Sorceress: But you didn't see anything wrong with him.
Rogue: Remember the other times I didn't see anything wrong with people? The DM's just trying to mess with us. I'm gonna attack him.
Bard: That... sounds like a terrible idea.
Sorceress: What if he's someone important?
Rogue: No, he's just trying to trick us. I attack with my magic longsword.
Me: You do?
Rogue: Yes, I attack with my magic longsword.
Me: You're absolutely sure about attacking this defenseless traveller?
Rogue: Yes, absolutely. I attack the old man with my magic longsword.
*rolls*
Me: Okay. He grabs your longsword and it shatters.
Rogue: See? What did I tell you?
Old Man: In all my years of travel, I, Fharlanghn, have never seen such bloodthirsty villains!
Me: Basically, you just pissed off a god.
Sorceress: Way to go!
Rogue: But... but... that's not fair...

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 12:18 AM
My present campaign has a lot of oddball choices from my poor players. Here's a few favorites, some shown on this site before-...

Wow.

WOW.

Okay, that is some nigh-OPERATIC stupidity. I mean, totally boosted my ego. You've got to have been holding out the part about them having planned those, as no one group put together could be just that stupid...right? Not to mention I have a sneaking suspicion that they're all guys? Just a hunch with that seduction thing.

And Ex-Hunter, what would a statue tell you to do? Just...statue-ize...or something?

Armads
2007-02-11, 12:40 AM
This really happened:
The partie's all level 1s, tromping through a dungeon, and met a rat swarm

Dwarf Fighter (after having been reduced to -2 by a rat swarm): Okay, as I fall, i fall into my bucket of water. I fail the constitution check and immediately start drowning. Back to 0 hp now!

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 12:45 AM
This really happened:
The partie's all level 1s, tromping through a dungeon, and met a rat swarm

Dwarf Fighter (after having been reduced to -2 by a rat swarm): Okay, as I fall, i fall into my bucket of water. I fail the constitution check and immediately start drowning. Back to 0 hp now!

...hwah? Uh...how the...

Um.

Infrastructure of the Universe compromised. Reality check imminent.

What in Thog's name was his LOGIC behind that reasoning?

Emperor Tippy
2007-02-11, 12:49 AM
RAW drowning sets your HP to 0 so if you are at negative HP it actually heals you. This is a good thing to do if you are a barbarian in deathless frenzy and you have negative a hundred or so hitpoints.

Most DM's housrule that you can't drown yourself to gain HP but per RAW its allowed.

Ninja Chocobo
2007-02-11, 12:51 AM
See the Perpetual Damage Machine for an example.
(http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=546613)

illathid
2007-02-11, 12:57 AM
When you're drowning you go to zero hit points. See here (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/environment.htm#drowning).

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 01:23 AM
In the words of Keanu: Woah. The Matrix just had a systems error. Actually, they explained that in the Animatrix. No healing-by-drowning, though.

Dammit, I wish my main character weren't undead so he could drown so I could DO this, it's just that...I guess the best term is anticlimactic.

"The sharks can't kill me because I'm drowning!"

Ah...reality exploited yet again.

ShneekeyTheLost
2007-02-11, 01:35 AM
Before we begin, I have Critical Successes and Critical Failures on skill checks. Rolls of nat 20 on a skill check can produce effects normally unattainable, wheras rolls of natural 1 can lead to some fairly interesting disasters. But what really confounded me was the party's response...

Me (GM): You see the creature walk up to the glowing altar and press his hand against the indentation there and push certain glyphs on it. He vanishes from sight.

Rogue: Did I see which glyphs he pressed?

Me: What's your spot check modifier again?

Rogue: +18 (beaming grin)

Me: (rolls dice behind the screen, then looks up and grins) Sure, you saw which ones he pressed.

Rogue: I record which ones he pressed in which order, then repeat his actions precisely.

Me: (grins nastily) Well, since you just rolled a natural one on your spot check, rather than being transported into the audience chamber of the greater mummy, you are hit by a disintigrate as you press the wrong ones. Make a fort save, DC 20.

Rogue: *rolls* Aw crap, I didn't make it...

DM: *rolls a whole handfull of D6's, and ends up with a total greater than the rogue's hit points* The Rogue places his hand on the Alter, and presses glyphs. A bright flash of light is emitted from the altar, and the rogue is reduced to a little pile of dust.

Barbarian: Whoa! I run up and do it to! I'm commin' little buddy!

Yes, this happened. I was as surprised as you are. Even more surprised that the Barbarian failed his fort save and suffered a similar fate.

Cleric: I have the 10k in diamonds and Resurrection in memory. Dust counts as remains... I think...

Ranger: For the Rogue, perhaps. But I think the Barbarian just... wanted to go out like that. Who are we to try and stop him?

Cleric (CG cleric): ... you have a point. I will not interfere with his free will choice.

This was one of the few times that the party had the GM howling in laughter...

J_Muller
2007-02-11, 01:38 AM
Hmm... I have a feeling that the Barbarian failing his fort save was an act of poetic justice by the universe.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 01:50 AM
Before we begin, I have Critical Successes and Critical Failures on skill checks. Rolls of nat 20 on a skill check can produce effects normally unattainable, wheras rolls of natural 1 can lead to some fairly interesting disasters. But what really confounded me was the party's response...

Deep down, even the best PCs are just overgrown lemmings with intricate backstories. What was the INT/WIS on that Barbarian, not that it would change his decision?

ShneekeyTheLost
2007-02-11, 01:58 AM
Deep down, even the best PCs are just overgrown lemmings with intricate backstories. What was the INT/WIS on that Barbarian, not that it would change his decision?

You know, I honestly don't remember. His int wasn't bad enough to get penalties, and his Wis I think was fairly high for a barbarian. He even declined Half-Orc because it had a penalty to Wis, and he wanted Survival to be high. He sort of saw himself as a 'bigger, badder, big-weapon-wielding ranger'. Yea, he wasn't very optimal. In fact, in just about everything, the Ranger outclassed him by a long shot. About the only thing the Barb could do was dish out damage with his Greataxe while raging. Even then, the Ranger got pretty close to his damage output since he didn't use Power Attack while the ranger got OTWF and paired bastard swords (human, for the extra feat).

Yea, the rest of 'em were trying to think of a way to get rid of him politely. So they used this as an excuse to keep the barbarian 'dead'. The player even went along with it, after an initial outburst of indignation.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 02:11 AM
Yea, the rest of 'em were trying to think of a way to get rid of him politely. So they used this as an excuse to keep the barbarian 'dead'. The player even went along with it, after an initial outburst of indignation.

It would be a shame if a necromancer got a hold of that guy, just because us free-will-challanged members of the undead community probably don't deserve any more drooling, mindless meat-puppets than we already have.

ShneekeyTheLost
2007-02-11, 02:34 AM
It would be a shame if a necromancer got a hold of that guy, just because us free-will-challanged members of the undead community probably don't deserve any more drooling, mindless meat-puppets than we already have.

Hmmm.... good idea. Rez the barb, kill him again, then raise him as undead.

It is kinda hard to raise a pile of dust, after all...

I may have to do this to the party...

Nah, I'd better not. The cleric has True Resurrection, which might make things complicated for the guy who just lost the barbarian...

starwoof
2007-02-11, 05:28 AM
Wow. Some of these hurt my brain. That said, I've got one. Actually I've got a lot, but this is a good one. :smallbiggrin:

Im playing a dwarven rogue. Im the only PC because nobody else showed up.

DM: Youre in town. What do you do?
Me: Im going to break into the biggest house in town!
DM: Ok, theres a large two storey house on the edge of town.
Me: I pry out the nailed up windows on the backside of the house (all the houses were nailed up).
DM: Ok. *rolls* You make quite a commotion and then a man looks out the window, straight at you.
ME: Aw crap, I shoot him with my crossbow! *rolls* Crap! a 3!
DM: You miss. The guards come.
Me: Ill go quietly.

*Breaks out of jail due to drunken guards*

ME: I go back to that house. Im gonna wait until night this time and pick the doorlock. *rolls* Hahah, 24!
DM: You pick the lock silently.
ME: *loots everything downstairs* Im gonna go upstairs.
DM: You go upstairs and a rotweiler attacks you!
ME: Crap!
*I get mauled by this dog*

Me: Ill go quietly...

*breaks out of jail due to drunken guards*

Me: Im gonna go back to that house and murder that dog!
DM: *sighs* Fine.
Me: *kicks down the door and shoots the dog with a crossbow*
DM: Ok, so you just killed a dog. Now what?
Me: Im going to go upstairs and start looting. Again.
DM: Make a move silently check.
Me: Easy. *rolls*

...

I rolled a 1.
DM: You creak up the stairs to meet a man holding a crossbow on you and yelling for guards.
Me: Ill go quietly...

*Breaks out of jail with mad bluff skill*

DM: Will you do something else now?
Me: NO! Does the building have a chimney?
DM: Yes...
Me: Excellent! I use my grappling hook and climb up to the roof! *rolls*
DM: Ok, you get up onto the roof.
Me: I climb down the chimney!
DM: Ok, you climb down the chimney and fall into the fire. You take *rolls* 6 damage.
Me: Crap! Why didnt you tell me there was fire?
DM: You didnt ask!
Me: YOURE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME!
DM: Well anyway, now the man is yelling at you again. Plus youre unconcious.
Me: Ill go quietly...

*In jail*

Me: Hey, guard, go away.
Guard: K. *leaves*
Me: *picks lock* So who else is in prison? They confiscated my stuff and I feel vengeful.
DM: Theres a scorched hobo, a crazy guy, and a man in robes.
Me: What are you in for?
Hobo: Some guy lit me on fire while I wash drunk.
Mage: I lit a hobo on fire.
Creepy guy: I like to keeeel.....
Me: 'Kay. *releases hobo and mage* Now, light him on fire again. I need a distraction!
Mage: *lights hobo on fire*
Hobo: *makes a distraction. Namely, is on fire.
Me: Excellent. I sneak past the guards and get my crossbow back. *rolls* Woot!
DM: You succeed. Please go on an adventure.
Me: Im going back to that house.
DM: *sigh*

Me; back at the house: Oi! *Fires crossbow into the door* Get out here!
DM: The man shoots you with a crossbow from the top floor. You take 7 damage.
Me: Crap! I hide in a bush!
DM: Ok. The hobo runs past you and catches the bush on fire. You die. Lets play soemthing else.

CockroachTeaParty
2007-02-11, 05:39 AM
I've got one!

The PCs were in a psionic temple of somesort. They had reached the final chamber, which consisted of a series of platforms over some manner of silvery liquid in a pit below. (It was a pool of quintessence, which freezes things in time if they are emerged completely. There were a few bodies in suspended animation floating in the goo. It was spooky.)

Anyway, the party rogue was doing a fine job of crossing the platforms, when a series of crappy rolls and a botched reflex save made him fall into the quintessence, removing him from the normal flow of time.

The party fighter, clad in full plate armor, jumped in after him without a second thought. *sploosh*

So now they had to fish out a halfling and a full grown human man in heavy armor. D'oh!

Nebo_
2007-02-11, 06:36 AM
And who could forget the end of 'Deepchade Windwalker', who we had to call 'Shade' because the alternative was... deeply pornographic?

Anyway, she jumped from the walls of a fortress, delivered a relatively staggering blow to an ogre, and then realised she'd just jumped from the walls of the fortress and was therefore outside the fortress. Or to put it another way, there was a huge stone wall between her and safety, rather then between her and an ogre, a half-dozen goblin rogues, and innumerable goblins and goblin archers.

I believe the first line uttered after the appropriate moment of silence was;
"I'm curious. After killin' him, what was it ye planned on doing next?"

Rabiesbunny
2007-02-11, 08:03 AM
This just happened last night!

DM: Allright, rogue, your turn.
Halflling Rogue: Mival has a crossbow on his back, right?
DM: ...yes, he does.
H. R.: I'm going to jump for it, try to take it off his back as he's running.

*Rolls really damn well*

DM: Allright, so Mival, you feel slight pressure on your back as the halfling leaps up, and then lands in front of you, your crossbow in her hands.
H.R: Yes!
DM: You did remember to grab the bolts, right?
H.R.: ...crap.

She got stunned a round later. The REAL KICKER?

The DM had given him A wand of fireball and a wand of magic missile as a starting present.

Saph
2007-02-11, 08:20 AM
From a Star Wars game:

DM: You enter the cavern. Your glowrods illuminate the rocks. There are two exits ahead and to the right, and in the left corner there's a strange bulge in the cavern roof, shaped like an inverted dome.
PC 1: Really? That's weird. I go over to it.
DM: As you get near to the area under the dome, the ground falls away beneath you. The ground in this area is a thin crust of rock over a bottomless pit, and you've just broken through it. Roll Dexterity, target number's 14.
PC 1: Crap! *rolls* *rolls and adds character points* Made it, just.
DM: You manage to grab on to the edge. The edge starts to crumble as well but you pull yourself up and roll away.
PC 1: Man, that was lethal. Who put that thing there, anyway?
PC 2: Maybe it was meant as a warning?
PC 1: Yeah, but who would be dumb enough to-
PC 3: I'm gonna walk under the dome too!
DM: . . . what?
PC 3: I saw what happened, right? I walk under the dome too!
DM: You're walking out over the same ground you just saw your friend almost drop into?
PC 3: Yeah.
DM: . . . make a Dexterity check.
PC 3: 8.
DM: Do you have any character points?
PC 3: No, why?
DM: *imitates PC's voice* AAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee . . . *splat*.
PC 3: Huh? What just happened?
PC 2: Let's put it this way - we won't have to worry about burying your body.

- Saph

Thomas
2007-02-11, 08:26 AM
Wow. Some of these hurt my brain. That said, I've got one. Actually I've got a lot, but this is a good one. :smallbiggrin:

Im playing a dwarven rogue. Im the only PC because nobody else showed up.

... I seriously would have thrown you out of the game to get you to stop taking up gaming time with that.

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-02-11, 09:40 AM
Sadly, everything I just mentioned really did happen, and the two female characters are played by actual females (though the druid girl never seems to do anything stupid, as she's overly shy and hardly contributes anyway. Oh, except for the time that I introduced the Tarrasque when they were around level 7 and she tried to ENTANGLE THE TARRASQUE). Even worse, half of this group has played D&D before- the barbarian has, the bard has, and the druid has. The bard's stupidity mostly comes from how he plays- I have to constantly remind him that random murder is evil and will lower his chaotic good alignment (no, seriously. I do. A lot).

Basically:
Rogue- Extremely paranoid about everything and plays a true neutral as a sporadic whatever-side-I-presently-want-to-be-on guy for both axis'.
Barbarian- Technically, he has a 10 intelligence and he's no longer even a barbarian (we retconned his character classes into being a swordsage//warblade when we bought ToB. Did I mention that this is gestalt?). However, his choices still reflect sheer, impossible stupidity and the only reason he's still alive is because he rolls more twenties then any man alive. Seriously. To escape the forementioned Tarrasque, he decided to attack a castle wall with his greataxe. And criticalled. And did max damage. On a rage. And got to run inside easily.
Sorceress- She understands the rules more or less, she's just apparently oblivious to planning and has a tendency to make horrendous decisions that usually don't kill her character, but causes terrible things to happen.
Bard- His alignment says chaotic good, but he's chaotic evil. Seriously. I made him the deal last time that if he ever does something evil again, I'm lowering his alignment. When he argued, I made a list of everything evil he's done, then everything good he's done. I found two good things, both kind of vague. I found A PAGE worth of evil things, some really terrible. He's broken all the deadly sins at one point or another.
Druid- Barely contributes. She shows up the absolute least out of the group, and when she IS there you can barely even tell. Normally you'd think a druid//monk could be an extremely good addition in a fight, but all she ever seems to do is punch without wildshaping and ocassionally heal people.

But I do love my little group, for all their mind-bending faults. They might not be the smartest bunch, but we have a lot of fun with how often they get into crazy predicaments and force me to ad lib an entire campaign because they decided to collectively do something rash and irresponsible.

1337_master
2007-02-11, 10:04 AM
Wow. Some of these hurt my brain. That said, I've got one. Actually I've got a lot, but this is a good one. :smallbiggrin:

Im playing a dwarven rogue. Im the only PC because nobody else showed up.

DM: Youre in town. What do you do?
Me: Im going to break into the biggest house in town!
DM: Ok, theres a large two storey house on the edge of town.
Me: I pry out the nailed up windows on the backside of the house (all the houses were nailed up).
DM: Ok. *rolls* You make quite a commotion and then a man looks out the window, straight at you.
ME: Aw crap, I shoot him with my crossbow! *rolls* Crap! a 3!
DM: You miss. The guards come.
Me: Ill go quietly.

*Breaks out of jail due to drunken guards*

ME: I go back to that house. Im gonna wait until night this time and pick the doorlock. *rolls* Hahah, 24!
DM: You pick the lock silently.
ME: *loots everything downstairs* Im gonna go upstairs.
DM: You go upstairs and a rotweiler attacks you!
ME: Crap!
*I get mauled by this dog*

Me: Ill go quietly...

*breaks out of jail due to drunken guards*

Me: Im gonna go back to that house and murder that dog!
DM: *sighs* Fine.
Me: *kicks down the door and shoots the dog with a crossbow*
DM: Ok, so you just killed a dog. Now what?
Me: Im going to go upstairs and start looting. Again.
DM: Make a move silently check.
Me: Easy. *rolls*

...

I rolled a 1.
DM: You creak up the stairs to meet a man holding a crossbow on you and yelling for guards.
Me: Ill go quietly...

*Breaks out of jail with mad bluff skill*

DM: Will you do something else now?
Me: NO! Does the building have a chimney?
DM: Yes...
Me: Excellent! I use my grappling hook and climb up to the roof! *rolls*
DM: Ok, you get up onto the roof.
Me: I climb down the chimney!
DM: Ok, you climb down the chimney and fall into the fire. You take *rolls* 6 damage.
Me: Crap! Why didnt you tell me there was fire?
DM: You didnt ask!
Me: YOURE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME!
DM: Well anyway, now the man is yelling at you again. Plus youre unconcious.
Me: Ill go quietly...

*In jail*

Me: Hey, guard, go away.
Guard: K. *leaves*
Me: *picks lock* So who else is in prison? They confiscated my stuff and I feel vengeful.
DM: Theres a scorched hobo, a crazy guy, and a man in robes.
Me: What are you in for?
Hobo: Some guy lit me on fire while I wash drunk.
Mage: I lit a hobo on fire.
Creepy guy: I like to keeeel.....
Me: 'Kay. *releases hobo and mage* Now, light him on fire again. I need a distraction!
Mage: *lights hobo on fire*
Hobo: *makes a distraction. Namely, is on fire.
Me: Excellent. I sneak past the guards and get my crossbow back. *rolls* Woot!
DM: You succeed. Please go on an adventure.
Me: Im going back to that house.
DM: *sigh*

Me; back at the house: Oi! *Fires crossbow into the door* Get out here!
DM: The man shoots you with a crossbow from the top floor. You take 7 damage.
Me: Crap! I hide in a bush!
DM: Ok. The hobo runs past you and catches the bush on fire. You die. Lets play soemthing else.

I wonder if I can add this to my sig...

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-11, 10:25 AM
Wow.
And Ex-Hunter, what would a statue tell you to do? Just...statue-ize...or something?
It channeled the power of the place and the spirits within, forced us through a hallway telling us to face the challenges or die, and then sealed the entrance behind us.

The Great Skenardo
2007-02-11, 12:30 PM
Monks are interesting characters.

For example, the group was wandering in the wilderness heading vaguely-north towards some ominous mountains, which, it's well-known are lousy with giants and monsters.
The PCs camp and set watch, and during the middle of the night, a duo of trolls wander into the permimeter of camp. The Keen-eyed monk spots them and leaps up (ok)
He gives a loud shout to awaken his teammates (ok)
He then proceeds to charge the trolls (uh...)
And critically misses on his attack (er...)
his normal AC is 16 (erm...)
After charging, makes it 14 (Uh-oh)
Two full attacks and a rend later, and the monk was resting in pieces.
His teammates mopped up the trolls fairly easily.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 01:40 PM
Wow. Some of these hurt my brain. That said, I've got one. Actually I've got a lot, but this is a good one. :smallbiggrin:...

Wow. If undead weren't immune to mind-affecting saves, I would be 20 IQ points lower just from reading your post.

starwoof
2007-02-11, 02:19 PM
I was a dwarf with a grudge! And actually I didnt die right there, but I felt the need to end the story quickly because I didnt want to talk about the gnome merchant and the witch hunters. :smallbiggrin:

Arceliar
2007-02-11, 03:07 PM
I had JUST told my friends about a trap my cousin used to pull all the time. He'd take a 10ft x 10ft corridor about 120ft long with a large metal door at the end. The entire corridor is covered in a slimy, slightly acetic smelling substance. At the end of the corridor, the door is as wide as the hall, unlocked, and jammed.......

We had an encounter with dire rats, I got overrun and knocked unconcious/dying. They stabilized my rogue and the fighter (who had no spells yet, we were maybe level 3 at the time) stuck around to guard me while the ranger and barbarian scouted on. They came to a corridor just like I'd told them about minutes ago. They did exactly what all my cousin's victims did: they thought "It's a gelatinous cube in the next room!" and make a strength check to burst down the door...which was stuck because it was jammed at the top with a piece of flint, filled with containers of lantern oil, and all that stuff in the corridor behind them was kerosene, not gelatinous cube acid. The flint showers sparks down which ignites the kerosene and incinerates the barbarian and ranger LOOOONG before they make it out of the corridor.

And we had talked about this exact scenario less than 5 minutes earlier. The DM just threw it in spur of the moment to see if they were really that stupid--they were.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 03:10 PM
I think that too many PCs assume that their DMs are willing to let them survive.

Missing Shoe
2007-02-11, 03:16 PM
Mine involves a party of "good" teenage clerics of some sort. We all ran away from home and as we were leaving we stole from one of our dads, the head cleric of the lawful good town. Gotta fund an adventure some how right?

Well it turns out we stole something that was vital to their success in the wars that city was involved in. So they send a group of Paladins after us to get it back. As we are running from them we stumble across this fishing town. We approach the town guards...

Cleric1: "Hey there!"
Guard1: "What business do you have here?"
Cleric1: "We are tired and were hoping we could get a room and purchase some goods."
Guard2: "We have nothing to offer you."
Me (Mystic Thurge): "You're wife will do."
*Guard2 pissed, punches me in the face*
Me: I cast shocking grasp on the guard.
DM: Oh god....
*Guard2 dies* *Guard1 runs*
Cleric2: "10 gold says he casts magic missile on the guard as he is running away!"
Cleric1: "You're on!"
*the guard runs back into town.*

....moments later alarms sound, people start rushing to the streets...

...After a little while, the entire town has come to arms with make-shift weapons. The captain of the guard approaches us.

Captain: "Please leave. You are not welcome here."
Cleric1: "We just wanted a room."
Me: "...and some company."
Cleric1 to me: "Shut up!"

...couple failed diplomacy checks later...

Captain: "Leave now. And never return." *turns to leave*
Cleric2: "People of /town name/, listen to my words! You have a traitor among your ranks! The so called captain of the guard has just gave us the chance to raid your fair village if we split half the loot with him!"
Captain: "I did nothing of the sort!" (he really didnt)
*opposed diplomacy rolls. Cleric2 >> Captain*

To sum up, we convinced the village to surrender the captains life to us on the condition we leave. So we kill and loot the captain and leave.

DM: "You are all evil bastards..."

A couple sessions later we come back to the town with an awaken treant and kick down the village anyway. Word kinda got out to the Paladins that there were some trouble making teen aged clerics in the area and we were caught.

It was totally worth it though.:smallbiggrin:

Arceliar
2007-02-11, 03:46 PM
Mine involves a party of "good" teenage clerics of some sort.
...
...
...
A couple sessions later we come back to the town with an awaken treant and kick down the village anyway. Word kinda got out to the Paladins that there were some trouble making teen aged clerics in the area and we were caught.

It was totally worth it though.:smallbiggrin:

This is where, were I DM, I'd be shifting their alignments 1 towards evil. Incidentally, that probably cuts them off from their clerical powers. I believe the line I'm looking for here is, *ahem* "That'll teach his ass."

Hzurr
2007-02-11, 04:07 PM
He'd take a 10ft x 10ft corridor about 120ft long with a large metal door at the end. The entire corridor is covered in a slimy, slightly acetic smelling substance. At the end of the corridor, the door is as wide as the hall, unlocked, and jammed.......


*snicker* At first I thought this was simply a play on the word "jammed" a la Spaceballs.

Then I realized that jam smells slightly more "fruity" and less "acetic".

...

I still laughed.

Solaris
2007-02-11, 04:10 PM
This one wasn't so much the PCs being stupid as it was the GM. After all, I should've known . . .
We were playing Star Wars d20 RPG. This party was having a grand ol' time Hutt-hunting and generally making a nuisance of themselves to anybody powerful enough to be an interesting squish fight but not quite powerful enough to blow up the planet the PCs were on. After storming some Hutt's hidden fortress on Tatooine, the PCs were discussing how easy the Rodian thugs went down.
After all, they did go down easy. Outnumbering the group a good six to one, the Rodians went down. I hate the fact that my younger brother* can roll 20s on command.
I mention offhandedly having seen somewhere that after Han toasted Greedo, the bartender tossed Greedo's remains in a sort of distilling machine. Apparently, Rodians make good whiskey.
Players look at each other. Look at me. "Can we find this information on the HoloNet?"
Me: "Much like the Internet, you can find anything on it. It's not necessarily true."
Players: "How many Rodians did we just kill?"
Me: " . . . 'Bout two dozen, give or take."
I had to stop them from proceeding with a plan that involved extensive breeding facilities, genocide, and a side business of pornography. The part that makes me chuckle is how they used Rodian guards to patrol the facility.
So wrong, on so many levels.

*This is also the guy who was trying to get Dark Side Points. I drew the line a bit before 'kiddie porn.'

J_Muller
2007-02-11, 04:36 PM
So many levels of totally wrong...

but at the same time, so funny...

Monseigneur
2007-02-11, 05:12 PM
Me:You have been surrounded by a variety of orcs, troglodytes and kobolds. The orc leader walks up to you and demands all your gold.
Changeling Warlock (Currently looks like a 16-year-old girl):I walk up to the leader and say, "Are you so sure you want our money?" and use my alter self ability to grow a massive bulge in my pants.
Me:*stunned silence*What sort of check is that exactly?
C.W.:Intimidate, I guess.
Me;*rolls* A 5. The bandits attack you.

After the party has killed the bandits, the party's Barbarian comes out of Rage.

Barbarian:I wake up and say,"What happened?"
Rogue:I make a Bluff check, telling him "We lost, but they left us alone. Emboldened by the victory, they took over the world. Now bow to your bad-smelling master."

The strangest thing? The rogue rolled a natural 20 on the Bluff check, and the more good-aligned members of the party had to take some time attemting to convince the barbarian that the rogue was joking. Yeah...

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 05:57 PM
Changeling Warlock (Currently looks like a 16-year-old girl):I walk up to the leader and say, "Are you so sure you want our money?" and use my alter self ability to grow a massive bulge in my pants.
Me:*stunned silence*What sort of check is that exactly?
C.W.:Intimidate, I guess.


OH GOD MY IMAGINATION! IT BUUUUUUUUURRRRNNNNS!

Dude...totally uncool. Oo-o-OW.

Monseigneur
2007-02-11, 06:02 PM
OH GOD MY IMAGINATION! IT BUUUUUUUUURRRRNNNNS!

Dude...totally uncool. Oo-o-OW.

I know. Another example of stupidity in the same party:The barbarian's dump stat was Dex. Yes, Dex. What did he use a good amount of his stat points in? Int. A BARBARIAN WITH 14 INT. This same person also bought a heavy steel shield from an armorer...to use with his greatsword.

NEO|Phyte
2007-02-11, 06:11 PM
A BARBARIAN WITH 14 INT.

You say that like its a bad thing. Now, the dumped Dex, yeah bad, but INT is never a bad thing. Plus its fun pulling off better untrained knowledge checks than the rest of the group's trained checks, as the big dumb hit things with pointy sticks guy. Having more HP than the rest of the group put together is also fun. Silly elves and their low CON.

Kantolin
2007-02-11, 06:12 PM
I suppose I shouldn't wreck the party... I'd just like to point out that a lot of these things seem like DM flaws over PC flaws.

I mean, creative methods of saying 'Your character fairly arbitrarily dies' doesn't typically imply player stupidity.

Monseigneur
2007-02-11, 06:20 PM
I suppose I shouldn't wreck the party... I'd just like to point out that a lot of these things seem like DM flaws over PC flaws.

I mean, creative methods of saying 'Your character fairly arbitrarily dies' doesn't typically imply player stupidity.

In some cases, *points to a certain mucus-covered hall* yes. But a random bluff check made to trick a member of your own party into believing that troglodytes have enslaved the world:No.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 07:51 PM
I mean, creative methods of saying 'Your character fairly arbitrarily dies' doesn't typically imply player stupidity.

So it wasn't stupid of me to help my friends escape a web by setting them on fire?

Saph
2007-02-11, 08:14 PM
I suppose I shouldn't wreck the party... I'd just like to point out that a lot of these things seem like DM flaws over PC flaws.

I mean, creative methods of saying 'Your character fairly arbitrarily dies' doesn't typically imply player stupidity.

No, I'm fairly sure my one was stupidity. PC 1 nearly got killed walking into a certain spot, and as soon as he's finished scrambling out PC 3 does the exact same thing.

- Saph

Quietus
2007-02-11, 08:24 PM
The only question is, where was PC 2 in all this? If I were a bystander, I'd be attempting to stop the barb.

Lo-Alrikowki
2007-02-11, 09:03 PM
Urgh, I started DMing a group of 11 a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. 11. Anyhow, due to some horrible planning on their part, the party had only one cleric, who refused to heal anybody unless they paid him 2 gold/hp. In their wrath, they killed him, and now the rest of the party (1st level) is clinging desperately to their last few hitpoints.

Solaris
2007-02-11, 10:54 PM
I suppose I shouldn't wreck the party... I'd just like to point out that a lot of these things seem like DM flaws over PC flaws.

I mean, creative methods of saying 'Your character fairly arbitrarily dies' doesn't typically imply player stupidity.

Hands down, mine was me being stupid. I mean, I should have known that they were going to run with it.
To be fair, though, I have yet to kill more than one character (1st-Edition 1st-level Monk). I've tried. Oh, how I've tried. They simply do not die. Thusly, you can't say I've come up with methods of saying 'Your character fairly arbitrarily dies' that're creative and/or overpowered enough. Yet. I'm working on it.

Mewtarthio
2007-02-11, 11:43 PM
Hands down, mine was me being stupid. I mean, I should have known that they were going to run with it.
To be fair, though, I have yet to kill more than one character (1st-Edition 1st-level Monk). I've tried. Oh, how I've tried. They simply do not die. Thusly, you can't say I've come up with methods of saying 'Your character fairly arbitrarily dies' that're creative and/or overpowered enough. Yet. I'm working on it.

"The Hecatoncheires appears out of nowhere! Uh, this is seriously a plot hook. Really."
"Uh, oh, make a d% roll. Ooh, ouch, you die of a fatal brain aneurysm."
"The invisible guy who's been staring at you for eighteen seconds suddenly stabs you."
"Your sentence unfortunately happens to be the precise name of a long-forgotten deity with the portfolio 'destroying all life'."
"The darkness attacks back."

NecroPaladin
2007-02-11, 11:55 PM
"The Hecatoncheires appears out of nowhere! Uh, this is seriously a plot hook. Really."
"Uh, oh, make a d% roll. Ooh, ouch, you die of a fatal brain aneurysm."
"The invisible guy who's been staring at you for eighteen seconds suddenly stabs you."
"Your sentence unfortunately happens to be the precise name of a long-forgotten deity with the portfolio 'destroying all life'."
"The darkness attacks back."

Are these for real? And I thought "Rock Falls Everyone Dies" was bad...

Though, I did once get a "Do you want to bother factoring in your damage reduction for this 40d6 fall damage or just leave it at 'you're dead?'"

Thomas
2007-02-12, 12:03 AM
Are these for real? And I thought "Rock Falls Everyone Dies" was bad...

Though, I did once get a "Do you want to bother factoring in your damage reduction for this 40d6 fall damage or just leave it at 'you're dead?'"

What, a wimpy 140 points of damage? I'd certainly want to factor my damage reduction in there.

J_Muller
2007-02-12, 12:27 AM
"Your sentence unfortunately happens to be the precise name of a long-forgotten deity with the portfolio 'destroying all life'."


Hmm... One would think it's rather difficult to accidentally say "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-02-12, 12:29 AM
Ha, that reminds me of another incident I forgot. My rogue player tried to use his bluff check to communicate with elves that only spoke elven. Yes, he was bluffing speaking a language. He almost got tossed in prison for crudely saying something involving eating baby halflings.

J_Muller
2007-02-12, 12:33 AM
Was this by any chance recently? And, by any chance, does he read 8-Bit Theater (http://www.nuklearpower.com/daily.php?date=070113)?

Viscount Einstrauss
2007-02-12, 12:36 AM
No, but I do. The incident predated the strip in question by a few weeks, though :P

MandoFTR
2007-02-12, 12:41 AM
I dont see how the hallway is so much stupid as pretty jackass-ish of the DM >_o

Ah, mine:

Town on fire.
Tavern.
Fighting.

Thankfully, my hair grew back after that.

Wehrkind
2007-02-12, 12:50 AM
Hmm... One would think it's rather difficult to accidentally say "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

Sounds like he was trying to speak Klingon with a flu... That would make for an amusing critical fumble in a game...


Edit:

I dont see how the hallway is so much stupid as pretty jackass-ish of the DM >_o


Just charging onto, and assumingly through, a door on the assumption you know exactly what is on the other side without stopping to look is pretty stupid, given the circumstance. How do they know there is not a pit on the other side? All sorts of nastiness happens in a dungeon. That's why they are not called "malls".

Ninja Chocobo
2007-02-12, 12:51 AM
The entire corridor is covered in a slimy, slightly acetic smelling substance.
Slightly ascetic? It smelt like monks?

...sorry...

J_Muller
2007-02-12, 12:55 AM
Sounds like he was trying to speak Klingon with a flu... That would make for an amusing critical fumble in a game...

I can see it now...

Player: I try to bluff the Klingons into going away.
DM: Roll a Bluff check.
Player: ...I rolled a 1.
DM: You fumble your Klingon words and accidentally intone a summoning phrase for a dark elder god. He devours all that lives.


Slightly ascetic? It smelt like monks?

...sorry...

...Maybe if the monks haven't bathed recently...

kamikasei
2007-02-12, 01:17 AM
Just charging onto, and assumingly through, a door on the assumption you know exactly what is on the other side without stopping to look is pretty stupid, given the circumstance. How do they know there is not a pit on the other side? All sorts of nastiness happens in a dungeon. That's why they are not called "malls".

Also, unless I was misunderstanding the original post quite badly, the exact trap that they walked into was described to them as having been used in a different game, not five minutes before their deaths. That's officially an instance of player stupidity.


Slightly ascetic? It smelt like monks?

Acetic (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/acetic). Vinegary.

The_Snark
2007-02-12, 01:19 AM
"Your sentence unfortunately happens to be the precise name of a long-forgotten deity with the portfolio 'destroying all life'."

Ah, the dread entity known only as "Okay, what if I set it on fire?" strikes once more.

Destro_Yersul
2007-02-12, 01:21 AM
This one isn't me being stupid, but I was there.

DM: Ok, you've just escaped the town hall. You can hear hobgoblins wrecking the place behind you, looking for you.
PC Rogue (me): I'm going to sneak back through town towards the main road.
Rest of Party: We follow.
DM: Roll Move silently
Everyone: *rolls, gives totals*
DM: *rolls* right, you make it up to the tavern uneventfully.
PC Rogue: I look around the corner
DM: You see a pair of Hobgoblins guarding the main road.
PC Rogue: Ok. I'm going to go back a little ways and head off diagonally away from the road. I don't want to risk raising the alarm. When I reach this point *points to map of town* I'm turning back towards the road and heading towards it.
PC Cleric: Sounds like a good plan to me. I go with him.
*rolls are made, we get away safely*
DM: Ok, what are you two going to do?
PC Fighter, who happens to be at 4hp: I charge the hobgoblins!
PC Ranger: I'll help.
DM: As you near the guards they yell out, and another eight hobgoblins run out from the watchtowers to either side of the road. (We did know the watchtowers were there. We climbed one earlier) Roll Initiative.
PC Fighter: *rolls* Crap
PC Ranger: *rolls*
DM: *rolls, the Ranger goes first*
PC Ranger: I shoot one of the hobgoblins with my bow.
DM: The hobgoblins look pretty angry now, and one of them has an arrow in him. They charge towards you. *through a lot of unlucky rolling on the part of the DM the hobgoblins fail to hurt the ranger, though the fighter is now at 1*
PC Ranger: This isn't going well. I use a full round action to retreat.
PC Fighter: I attack the closest Hobgoblin! *rolls a 1*
DM: The hobgoblins crowd the fighter. Only one goes after the ranger.
PC Ranger: *Easily shoots down pursuing hobgoblin* I continue running away.
DM: *rolls a lot, grins, looks at the Fighter* What's your AC?
PC Fighter: 15...
DM: *rolls a lot more* You take 9 damage.

Needless to say, we needed a new fighter.

Ninja Chocobo
2007-02-12, 01:24 AM
Acetic (http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/acetic). Vinegary.
Huh. Here I thought it was a typo of Acidic, which I exploited.

AngelSword
2007-02-12, 01:45 AM
Are these for real? And I thought "Rock Falls Everyone Dies" was bad...

I actually remember something very close to this. The group had just split, and I was in the other group, but I was there to watch this unfold.

DM (A devious, 15 year vet of D&D): Alright, Elis, you sneak along the wall, and you notice a cage suspended over a pool of some kind. What do you do?
Elis (a very well-played halfling rogue): I try to tumble for the cage and free who's inside.
DM: Alright, make a tumble check and a spot check.
Elis: (rolls twice) I deftly roll into whatever it is I don't see.
DM: (cackling a little, turns to the rest of the party): Roll me some reflex saves, guys.

As it turned out, Elis rolled right over a trip wire that collapsed the tunnels leading into the chamber. It also turned out that the rest of the party - save the monk - couldn't reflex themselves out of a paper bag. This killed every other party member, to include the fallen paladin who had, in the last session alone, charged a demon in Hades armed only with a dagger, had a finger cut off, gnawed his foot to the bone, and vivisected an orphan.

I miss those days. /nostalgia

LotharBot
2007-02-12, 01:57 AM
Urgh, I started DMing a group of 11 a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. 11. Anyhow, due to some horrible planning on their part, the party had only one cleric, who refused to heal anybody unless they paid him 2 gold/hp. In their wrath, they killed him, and now the rest of the party (1st level) is clinging desperately to their last few hitpoints.

I think if I was DM, I'd make those last few hitpoints disappear on at least a few party members. Make sure to include some sort of commentary about teamwork.

Ganbor
2007-02-12, 02:20 AM
And Ex-Hunter, what would a statue tell you to do? Just...statue-ize...or something?

Kill pigeons?

J_Muller
2007-02-12, 02:23 AM
Kill pigeons?

Quoted for truth.

Behold_the_Void
2007-02-12, 02:38 AM
This was a more free-form forum-based RP. The character in question was a katana-wielding character who apparently is one of those who thinks swords and being a PC makes you immune to the machine guns the guards are holding.

Anyway,

PC: I slice at one of the soldiers' necks.
DM: The guard's head is taken cleanly off, alerting the other guard who turns around and begins frantically shooting at you.

At this point, the PC did something to really piss me off, I.E. assuming he wouldn't get hit by machine gun fire and not taking any movements to defend himself.

PC: Bullets go through my cloak as I slash at the soldiers torso.

As he wasn't making any attempt to dodge and was assuming that he wasn't hit when the RP rules specifically stated not to do that, I wasn't willing to cut him as much slack I might have, as is evidenced by my reply:

DM: As your blade cuts through the soldier, you feel several bullets tear through your torso. One of them rips through your lungs and three others hit less vital points in your torso. You feel a searing pain as blood starts pouring from your wounds.

Anyway, you might argue I was being vindictive, but seriously. You don't charge gunmen down with a sword! And you most certainly don't keep swinging the sword when they're spraying you with hot lead!

Jade_Tarem
2007-02-12, 03:45 AM
Fighting "Deathwing" in a Dragonlance campaign... a black dragon that is far to powerful for us to handle. The only saving grace was that it was a fairly enclosed area with a lot of cover. The Thri-kreen was trying to drop some part of the cieling on it when he got this brilliant idea -

As the other players take their turns, the thri-kreen(?) and the mage (Master Conjurer) plan:

TrK: Do you still have fireball memorized?
MC: Jon, nothing good ever starts with those words.
TrK: *laughs* I'll be fine, do you have it or not?
MC: *checks* Yes, and the explosive metamagicked one, which is probably what you want...
TrK: Yeah, perfect! When I get done carving this hole, I'll need you to cast that into the gap, and blow the ceiling in!
MC: That isn't going to work - the blast is just going to force its way out the hole, at you. On top of that, firing it into a tiny opening like that requires a roll. One slip and I blow you to next week. Even if you survive the blast, you'll be knocked off the cieling and onto Deathwing. You'll be swimming in acid next round.
TrK: Hmmmm.... I have a strenght of 28, I could jam my falchion in there, the rock around the rest of the cone that I've been cutting has been weakened...
MC: Maybe...

The round reaches them.

TrK: I'm going to make two additional cuts and set a partial readied action to take the third one after (the mage) casts a spell.
DM: Okaaaay...
MC: I cast explosive fireball into the gap. *rolls well* Ah, there it goes!
TrK: I jam the falcion in the hole as hard as I can.
DM and other PCs: Oh jeez....
DM: I'm not sure how to handle that.
Rogue: Um... I think I've got it here. If we take the rock cone to be 5ft in diameter and height, made of stone, so the wieght is... being lauched at... well, what is the launch speed?
MC: Well, it can push a person out 20 feet almost instantaneously....
Rogue: Well, ok... we'll take that as - and so the hieght is 200 feet minus the dragon's hieght, gives us the final formula: and then we put in the stuff to give us *insert ludicrous damage*.
MC: What about the falchion, it would get shoved out first, really.
Rogue: Does more work with calculator: Yeah, (TrK) will take the full damage for that.
TrK: How much?
Rogue: Do you have triple digit hit points yet?

The bottom line is that the Thri-kreen was impaled on his own falcion, hilt first, before falling 200 feet and going splat like the bug he was. I am not kidding when I say that his next actions were so ludicrous that they don't belong even here.

Edit: And we didn't even kill the dragon. Although we did rack up enough to force a death by massive damage check.

enderrocksonall
2007-02-12, 05:27 AM
This story happened in 3.0, in the very first game i ever played, before i knew anything about game mechanics or the commonplace D&D world.

I was playing a level 1 elven Ilmater cleric who had been trapped by a lich in a pocket dimension where he did not physically age, but he was completely aware of the passage of time. As for how long he was trapped there...let's just say he grew up in Myth Drannor...before it was a ruin. We figured it to be about 2800 years give or take a century. Needless to say my character had gone to the zoo and started talking to the rug long before i got rescued.

So the DM ruled that the only language that would have survived in a recognizable form for that length of time would be Elven. And the only character in the group that rescued me who spoke Elven was the ranger, who frequently ignored me.

During our travels through the wierd dimension that i had been trapped in for almost 3 millenia (and apparently had not been exploring), I was given a rod for my services in helping them solve the riddles of the doors( i think they just didn't know what it was and figured that the insane cleric should get the stick). Upon returning to the material plane i went into town with the ranger in tow to try and sell this thing.


Me: Good day shopkeep. I have a rod that i would like you to identify for me.
Ranger translates.
DM: This is a rod of lordly might!!! I haven't seen one outside of the books of lore!
Ranger: Its a cursed rod of Desecration. He says the enchantment on it is intriguing. He would be willing to buy it from you in order to study its creation.
Me: The sale is contingient on his sworn promise that he shall destroy the rod when he is done studying it. How much does he offer?
Ranger (to the shopkeeper): He says that he has no use for such an object and is in dire need of cash. What price will you offer him to buy it?
Dm( laughing his head off): I could give 50,000 gold for an item like this.
Ranger (to me): He says that for an item that he could learn this much from he will gladly pay 10,000 gold.
Me: He is quite generous! Thank him and ask him to give his oath that he will destroy the item when his study is complete.
Ranger: My master says your price is quite fair, but that he can only take 10,000 gold at the moment. He will send me here later today to collect the balance of the money.

Needless to say there were a lot of bluff, sense motive, and diplomacy rolls that got botched to allow my best friend to walk away with 40,000 gp of my first level character's money.

Ninja Chocobo
2007-02-12, 05:51 AM
That's not stupid. That's cunning. That's Blackadder cunning.

Talyn
2007-02-12, 07:02 AM
And Blackadder EVIL.

Here's one - we've got a character who seems dedicated to getting his character killed by deliberately playing to his weaknesses. Right now he's playing a house-ruled True Neutral Assassin.

DM (me): There are two trolls standing on the bridge under a black banner. One is the typical enormous, hulking brute that the ranger describes as a typrical troll, and the other is smaller and more human-looking, in armor with an enormous sword. Both wear a bandolier of skulls around their waist.

PC Ranger: Trolls are my favored enemies - what do I know about how to beat them?

DM: Roll a Knowledge: Nature Check.

*a decent roll*

DM: Trolls are enormously tough and strong, dealing truly frightening amounts of damage in close combat. They are fearless and voracious, eating anything and everything that moves - mostly because of their magic-fueled metabolism, which lets them regenerate damage right before your eyes. Only fire and acid stop the regeneration.

Sorceress: I wanna fireball them!

Mage: Wait, we're going to end up fighting a whole cave of them later today, let's save it.

DM (thinking that fireballing them would, in fact, be a really good idea): Um, okay... the trolls see you as you stand on the edge of the woods. They make no move towards you, but just grin at you utterly unafraid and unconcerned. They have really long, really sharp teeth.

PCs begin to plan.

Assassin (to me): I cast invisibility on myself while they plan, and sneak over to the two trolls.

PCs completely ignore the two of us as we talk quietly, they continue to plan.

*Assassin makes his Stealth checks*

DM: Ok, you made it right next to the two trolls, and they seem unaware of your presence, because they are keeping an eye on the rest of the party and muttering to themselves in Orcish.

A: What are they saying?

DM: Do you speak Orc?

A:... no. *pouts*

DM: Then you have NO IDEA.

A: Okay. Are these guys vulnerable to my Death Attack?

DM: What did the ranger tell you about them?

A: I don't remember.

DM: Fine. You don't remember.

A (to the Ranger's PC): Hey, are these guys vulnerable to death attack?

DM (interrupting): The ranger is 400 feet away with the rest of the party. Are you shouting your question to him?

A: ... no. *pouts again*

Ranger goes back to plotting with the rest of the party.

A: Fine, if I can't Death Attack him, I'll just walk right up to him and hit him with two vials of Alchemist's Fire.

DM: ... you WHAT!?

A: Yeah, it's fine, I've got a whole satchel of them.

DM: Are you sure? The rest of the party is over 400 feet away.

A: Yeah! *evil grin*

DM: ...okay.


Suffice it to say that he disabled his Invisibility and pissed off the trolls, and then only survived the next round by dint of an insane AC and some truly terrible rolling on my part... and then my throwing himself into the icy river.

With no ranks in Swim.

He was rescued by our Lizardman monk/fallen paladin, but was utterly useless for the rest of the battle. Oh, and he completely ruined the party's plan (since they had to go rescue him), spread out the two trolls so that the Sorceress' fireballs did minimal good, and almost got both the mage and the ranger killed.

He turned a fight that should have been pretty darn easy into a very near thing... and now the party is CONVINCED that trolls are these unstoppable killing machines, and are terrified of actually going into the troll lair.

Attilargh
2007-02-12, 09:06 AM
Trolls are really scary beings. One time I played a monk in a two-member party with some nameless sword-swinging NPC and a Fighter/Ranger, when we encountered a troll in the sewers. We had two torches, and the Fighter/Ranger had a lantern he did not remember. It was dark, and the scenery consisted of a little beach in a dead-end of a sewer. The troll in question was a Ranger/Shadowdancer with humans as a favoured enemy.

Our solution? Head-on attack, of course. With no pre-planning. When our characters woke up, they found themselves hanging upside-down from a tree, with only their loincloths. Thankfully, that was the end of the gaming session.

Rather embarrassed, I decided my Intelligence did not fill the game's prequisites and did not dare to play in that game again. There's just so much an angsty teenager's ego can handle.

KuReshtin
2007-02-12, 10:41 AM
Player stupidity is fun.

The first group I played with over here in Scotland had a guy that thought himself to be a great RPG player, and decided he wanted to be a fighter. He chose fighter feats of two weapon fighting, ambidexterity and all that went along with weilding two weapons in a fight, and then decided to arm his character with a spear and a shield.
Considering he was the group's tank, of sorts, he also got a hell of a lot of ribbing when we were exploring this castle, and in one of the rooms, found that he faced three Nagas and decided to run away.

He later got 'kidnapped' by a group of harpies, how fed him to their young.
We didn't miss him that much.

A little eralier with that same group, me (rogue) and the group's ranger decided to go to a merchant in this town to sell this gemstone, which I'd appraised (with what was later revealed as a very good appraise roll) as being worth around 500GP a session or two before.
So we headed inot this shop and I started haggling with the shop keeper.
The DM had forgot to make a note of the appraisal value of the gemstone, but somehow figured it'd be worth about 750GP.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: I want to sell this gemstone, please.
Merchant: Why certainly, might I have a look at it?
Me: I would expect nothing else.
*DM rolls an appraise roll for the shop keeper, figures worth of about 750GP*
Merchant: This is a fine stone. I can offer you 500 gold for it.
Me: I'm afraid that I can not agree to that offer. I have it on good authority that this gemstone is worth at least 1200 gold. *Very successful Bluff roll* However, since you seem to be a reasonable man, I am willing to part with this brilliant gemstone for a mere 1100 gold. However, that is merely because I'm in a good mood today.
Merchant: 1100! Oh now, I'm afraid that is far too much for a merchant like myself. It is a very nice gemstone, though, so I could perhaps offer a bit more. Maybe 625 gold? That is the absolute top price I can give you, though. I do have kids to feed, you know.
Me: 625 gold for this beautiful gemstone? If I were not in such a good mood today, I would have called that an insult and stormed out of here. However, I am in a good mood so I'll agree to drop down to 950.

*The Ranger at this time starts to get uncomfortable and figures I'm about to sell the stone for less than it's worth. For some reason, he figured it was worth 1000GP. To this day, no one in the group knew where he got that number from*

Ranger: We'll sell it for 1000, and nothing less than that!
Me: *under my breath to the ranger* Shut up. I'm dealing with this.
Merchant: Oh now. 1050 is almost as bad as 1100. I simply can not afford that.
Me: Please ignore my 'friend' here. He knows not of what he speaks.
Merchant: Well, even at 950, it is a bit too steep for me. My final offer for this gemstone, and I have to say that you are robbing me at this, *he had no idea how true that was* is 750. That is all I can offer. Final offer. Take it or leave it.
Ranger: we can't accept that offer. No way. Nuh uh!
Me: *under my breath to the ranger again* I told you to shut the hell up and let me handle this.
Ranger: We can't let him rip us off like this. *Turns to the DM* I take the gemstone and leave the store.

Everyone in the group at this time looked at him in stunned silence. DM looks at me, I look at the DM.

Me: I look dejectedly at the shop keeper, shrug and say: "I guess there'll be no deal, then." I leave the shop.
DM: Ok.
Me: I catch up to the ranger, grab the gemstone from him and push him while hissing at him in a very unfriendly voice: What the hell was that in there. You just messed up a great deal. He was prepared to give us 750 gold for this here gemstone. It's only bloody worth about 500!!

At this time, the rest of the group, including the DM, started howling with laughter as they realised what a tool the ranger had made himself out to be, whereas the ranger sat there, at a corner of the table looking very sheepish for the rest of the session.

Gadhar&Sealgair
2007-02-12, 11:38 AM
I've got three Stupid PC stories that stick out in my mind (and I'm the idiot in one of them). The first two are from the first campaign I was part of in college, right after 3.0 came out. The DM, myself, and one or two other players were the only ones with role-playing experience when the campaign started.

Example #1:
The PCs have just snuck into a smallish bandit fort and are in a common room with several doors leading off of it.

DM: There doesn't seem to be anyone in here right now. What do you do?
Rogue (Me): I'll go and listen at the door on the right.
Other PCs: We'll listen at these other doors.
DM: You hear several gutteral voices; they appear to be arguing in a language you don't understand.
Rogue: Can I open the door quietly?
DM: Sure. *rolls some dice*. You see three hobgoblins sitting around a table covered in clay tablets. The appear to be arguing over a pair of dice.
Rogue: *turns to rest of party* HEY GUYS, HOBGOBLINS! HOBGOBLINS!
Other PCs: *shocked silence*
DM: *a pause, than starts rolling lots of dice*
Rogue: Hey, what are you rolling?
DM: Listen checks. Lots of listen checks.

In a few moments, every bandit in the building burst into the common room. It took an act of DM to prevent my moment of stupidity from causing a total party KO. My friends still won't let me forget.

Example #2:

The PCs are exploring the Chasm of Secrets (Secrets...secrets...) and are in a section that is obviously not natural. Lots and lots of five foot wide hallways. We would have been level 3 or 4 at most.

DM: Well, it looks like you didn't wipe out all of those goblins like you thought. Some of them come charging at you down the hallway. Roll initiative.
Monk: *at the head of the party* Okay, I win initiative. I'll go total defensive.
DM: Sounds like a plan. The goblins are next, and they charge at you. With your bonus, they can't hit you. However, you're blocking the hall and none of the other party can get around you.
Sorcerer: Damn, and I'm out of magic missiles.
DM: Do any of you have any actions before we go to the top of the order?
Party: *disgruntled* No.
DM: Okay, Monk, you're up.
Monk: I go total defensive again.

For some strange reason, the player behind the monk didn't last long with our group.

Example #3:
My second year of college, I get involved with a campaign several of my friend had been in before I moved there. The DM is a very experienced gamer who believes that smart play should be reward, stupid play should be punished, and no one should have it easy. The gods were a pragmatic bunch in his campaign world and would gladly smite mortals who insulted them.

So, the party stumbles into a temple to Poseidon after a random encounter. The party cleric (myself) is often the butt of jokes due to the fact that he's a much lower level than everyone else and is the only remaining follower of Varuna in this world (the DM made this change to my character history to punish me for picking a crappy deity and to make a plot point work).

DM: There's a lot of artwork, primarily statues and sculptures, around the temple. Someone obviously spent a lot of money creating this homage to their god.
Thief: *looking at the cleric* See now, this is what a REAL god looks like.
DM: Hmm, that's a clear insult against Varuna. Normally, I'd roll to see if he heard, but this is special. Since Cleric over there is his only follower, I have to imagine Varuna hovers over his shoulder, criticizing his life-style choices. Save versus death from a divine smiting.
Thief: *rolls* There, I made it. Happy?
DM: Sure thing. An aleax will be with you shortly.

Sampi
2007-02-12, 11:54 AM
Oh, this one belongs here:

We ewre playing this hellenic-themed dungeon, which turned out to be the resting place of a apotheosied wizard-king. We had just beaten the golem-creatures guarding the inner sanctum, and had descended into the treasure chamber. The wizard of the group had polymorphed into a Remorhaz. We're looking around. There's a dais with the wizard-kings' perfectly preserved corpse lying still, and shining, on top of it. Around the dais is a moat filled with treasure.

Wizard: I eat the corpse! (the remorhaz being more than capable of swallowing such a thing whole)

The rest: No! DON'T!

Well, he does it anyway. The god gets pissed off, sends an abomination against us (I think some kind of half-fiend black dragon with insanely boosted stats). We all die, except the druid, who wild shapes into a shark and spends the rest of his life running away from the abomination.

Only known case of theophagy.

soylentplaid
2007-02-12, 12:22 PM
Here we go.

Gestalt game, evil. My bard/battle sorceror had invented a spell called Anvil Drop, which dropped an anvil on a target, doing a ridiculous number of d8 damage as well as force a fort save or fall prone. More on this later.


:xykon: DM: You're walking through the woods. Make spot checks.
ALL: *spot rolls*
:xykon: DM: The black dragon you were tracking down is diving from the sky towards you.
ALL: Crap.

*fight ensues, rounds pass, much damage to party*

:thog: Evil Cannibalistic Barbarian: I'll get under the dragon and ready for it to get lower.
*a few turns pass, ECB is down to 0 from breath weapon*
:nale: Myself: This fight's gonna end now. Anvil drop!
:xykon: DM: Roll damage. *roll* Ok, now for the fort save...
:thog: ECB: Wait... what?
:xykon: DM: The dragon fails. A thirty ton dragon falls on the
dying barbarian. On the plus side, you've killed the dragon!
:nale: Myself: Oh...
:miko: Blackguard: Wait, didn't ECB have that Luck Blade with one Wish left?
ALL: ...
:xykon: DM: ...
:nale:Myself: ...
ALL: MINE!

And hillarity ensued.

Artanis
2007-02-12, 01:04 PM
Here's one from the Exalted campaign I'm currently in. The Circle was in Lookshy, and there was a fighting tournament down at the docks that had an Exalt division, so my Dawn and a circlemate decided to go sign up. Our first match is against a couple of mortals...

Me: I charge the first one and...*stunts a combo*
Me: Sixteen peripheral essence for four attacks and the boosts on them. Pulled for bashing.
ST: +1. Roll it.
ST: Also, you are now lit
Me: *rolls attacks*
ST: You hit. Don't bother rolling the damage. You kill your opponent very, very messily.
Me: Even with just bashing?
ST: Yes, even with just bashing, you have turned his entire torso into a bloody pulp. The other opponent immediately craps himself and begins cowering. You hear screaming as the people watching the fight begin to panic.
Circlemate: (speaking to the other opponent) Y'know, it'd probably be a good idea to give up and just let us win...
ST: (to circlemate) He doesn't answer, and instead dives into the river. (to all) Meanwhile, the panic spreads throughout the entire area. Many are trampled as they rush to escape the docks area.
Me: Guh? Everybody's freaking out over an Exalt accidentally offing a mortal who chose to fight in the...wait...
Me: *looks up the Dawn caste's anima ability* Oh. Oops.
Circlemate: Does this mean we win?
Me: I think I'm just going to leave the area now...


Note: for those unfamiliar with Exalted, when a Dawn caste Solar Exalt (like my character) blows enough Essence (aka Mana), they get really, really scary. As in "you have to be one of the most powerful, most courageous people in Creation NOT to run away screaming like a little girl" scary. So in roughly three seconds, the crowd had gone from watching a 2v2 duel to being confronted with a flaming death-demon made out of raw terror who was turning people into jelly...

Gamebird
2007-02-12, 01:18 PM
Not nearly as stupid as some of these others, but this happened recently in one of my games:

The PCs are part of an army attacking a town of goblins. The PC's mission is to fly, invisibly, over the gate and disrupt any attempts to defend the gate or fortify it against the battering ram. To do this, I had the NPC general assign the army wizard to provide the PCs with one Fly spell each and one Invisibility each (along with a few other buff spells).

DM: The wizard Abigael comes over to you with two other arcane casters, to cast the final spells on you before the attack. You can see the ramming crew starting towards the gate, though right now they're too far out for the goblin archers to have much chance of hitting them. She casts Fly on you.
PCs: No, wait, we don't want Fly on *us*, we want it on our mounts.
DM: What? She says she was told to cast it on you guys...
PCs: Yes, but we've worked out this other strategy. We only want Fly cast on these four mounts, and the wizard PC.
DM: Are you sure?
PCs: Yes, we're sure!
DM: Abigael isn't real comfortable with that, but there isn't time for her to go check. You do realize she only has enough Invisibilities for you guys, right? Not your mounts?
PCs: That's okay. We worked out the rest of them from our casters.
DM: Okay. Fine. She casts the spells on four mounts and the wizard.
PCs: Okay, great, we take off.
DM: Well... seeing as the paladin's mount is the only one that's ever had Fly cast on it before and it's smart enough to understand these sorts of things, it takes off. The other animals have no idea what you're asking them to do. They keep moving around in two dimensions. You can make Handle Animal checks, DC 20, to get them off the ground... and I think I'm being really generous there.

Only one other PC was able to get his horse off the ground. The halfling ended up "riding" the wizard and the two flying horses were carrying double. Plus the one had to make a new Handle Animal check anytime he wanted the horse to go up or down.

Swordguy
2007-02-12, 01:47 PM
Oh, good. Since we're not limited to D&D anymore I'll go ahead an C&P this from my posts over on the Classic Battletech boards (I swear, every RPG forum gets this topic eventually!).

I am the GM in all cases. God help me.

Legend of the Five Rings

Starting up the "Badger, Badger, Badger" song upon sight to a bunch of Badger Bushi and some Naga emissaries...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Honorable Akodo: "Bayushi-san, are you almost finished packing?"
Harried Bayushi: "Just about, Akodo-san. Have you seen my poison kit? I think I left it by the stack of shuriken..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Player had just seen Shogun.] "Very well...If he will not accept diplomacy...I punch him in the face and laugh in the face of his assembled forces!
*various die rolling sounds*
"You've knocked him to the ground. He's barely conscious."
"Excellent! I pee on him"
*sound of a GM speechless*
"You...pee...on the Matsu?"
"Yes"
"In front of his assembled Berzerkers?"
"Yes! And I dare them to do anything about it!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHADOWRUN

I submitted this farce to Karen when she was running the CLUE Files back at the Shadownrun archive on Dumpshock.com sometime around August of 2000...

So, my runners are sneaking (this is important, they are SNEAKING) through the cave system beneath Mount Rainier, on the heels of an evil cult. They can hear a low murmur from around a sloping drop ahead of them.
After a whispered discussion, they decide to lower one of their party members around the slope to see if he can tell what's ahead.

10 meters... 15 meters... 20 meters... 25 meters.

GM: "You can hear the murmuring is increasing and there are definite, almost musical, rises and falls. It could be a chant or even a song being sung by a number of people. Or it could be a weird acoustical effect. But it sounds like a chanting murmur to you."
Player: I whisper this information to my team-mates."
GM: "They're 25 meters away and can't hear you whisper."
Player: (cups his hands to his mouth and yells) "I hear chanting!"
GM: "The chanting stops."


...



The silence at the table was TANGIBLE. Then it was broken by the sound of three hands simultaneously slapping foreheads (all the other players except one) and one slapping sound as the idiot was [Not a word you'd use in front of your mother]-slapped by the remaining player.

GM: "Did anyone tie off the rope?"

Four players smiled and shook their heads.

The idiot player plummeted fifty meters to his death

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally, as a warning from the dice gods... (not stupid, just scary).
[Remember, in Shadowrun, all ones on the dice means disaster of some sort...the dice are d6's]

"My group of six runners was in the process of breaking camp to continue on our journey through some flatland. From over the horizon came the silhouette of two GMC Banshees [nasty, heavily-armed rotorcraft]. Not prepared for a firefight, the team scrambled to break out the ordinance, the rigger sprints for the Bison [his armored van], etc.
The troll mage, who has had an unfortunate experience with Banshees in the past, panics and tosses a fireball at the closest one, throwing in all the dice he can get his hands on. The result? He rolls 28 dice for the fireball.

The group was hushed as he shook the huge handful of dice and cast them onto the table.

They came up all ones.

So, as the Banshees bear down onto the camp, the troll mage erupted into a mushroom cloud of organic debris.

We stopped playing for the night. It was a baaadddd omen…"
---------------------------------------------------------------------

MECHWARRIOR RPG 3rd EDITION


We were starting a campiagn in which, if we wanted to have a Mech, we had to acquire one in-game. This was for an S VII tournament campaign, in which we weren't allowed to join stables or co-ops, but had to make a go as independent warriors, with our own Mechs. So, the first session, the GM told us that this would be the session in which we had the opportunity to acquire our Mechs, and if we died, we'd just make up new PCs and try again.

You can probably see where this is going.

We were put in Class 3 open (no terrain) arenas, against Mechs. We had our fatigues and a rifle. Maybe a 1-shot SRM. That was it. That campaign never got off the ground. Everybody died, every time. 2,3,4 PCs; it never mattered. We'd walk into the arena, the OPFOR Mech would hit us with Mech-scale weapons, we'd die, and start making a new PC.

The kicker was in the nascent-GM's closing line as we all walked out. "But...but Cassie Suthorn made it look so easy!"

*note: for those not in the know, Cassie Suthorn is a fictional character in the BT universe that finds all sorts of amusing ways to take down 12-meter BattleMechs with her bare hands and the environment around her. She is a novel character, not a PC.

Josh Inno
2007-02-12, 02:17 PM
Pardon, I know this is somewhat off topic, but what's with all the *Catgirl dies* stuff?

NullAshton
2007-02-12, 02:20 PM
Joke. Whenever you bring physics into a fantasy game, god kills a catgirl.

Josh Inno
2007-02-12, 02:27 PM
o.O I honestly have no idea why that would be.

In my spycraft games all that is is saying "Time to use up your 'that's impossible' trick to jump between skyscrapers."

LotharBot
2007-02-12, 02:53 PM
Pardon, I know this is somewhat off topic, but what's with all the *Catgirl dies* stuff?

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18512

Search the page for "catgirls".

Rabiesbunny
2007-02-12, 03:20 PM
This little gem happened about two months ago in a campaign that takes place in my favorite tyranny, Zhentil Keep.

A half drow bard, alignment of NE, had been really darn sassy to the Zhentilar Sergeant who was our leader. We had warned the player multiple times that acting way chaotic in this campaign is a really good way to get killed off, and he insisted he understood. The Sergeant, a LE Banite Knight with a scary, scary gauntlet slapped him a good six feet across the tavern.

Banite Knight: *Rolls scary high on his intimidate check* Speak like that again, and I'll tear off your ear-tips and shove them down your throat, drow!

DM: So you just got tossed into a table about six feet away. Wow, that hurt, and he's looking pissed.

Drow Bard: I get up and take out my lyre, and as I leave I begin to sing a song. About how the meek will overcome the strong, and telling them they should rise up.

The entire group's jaws drop.

DM: ...allright.

Banite Fighter: Allright. I'm attacking him as he runs past.

B.K.: I'm going to too. Roll initiative. *They all roll*

B.F. *Goes first* I'm going to swing my sword at him as he runs by.

The Fighter rolls a nat. 20 and confirms, with his Mercurial Greatsword. 70-something damage, all together.

B.K.: Ghaa! I wanted to attack him too!

DM: ...fine, fine, go ahead and attack.

The Knight also rolls a crit. with his gauntlet of impacting. We're all laughing our butts off, and the guy who started singing looks absolutely upset.

DM: You ever seen Ninja Scroll? So he's running out into the street, when Curos' blade hits from behind. It cuts through him like a knife through butter. When the Knight's gauntlet cracks against his skull, he actually kind of...slides into two even pieces off the sword. The townsfolk look at the action with widened eyes. You see another member of the Zhentilar approaching.

B.K.: ...Suspected Harper, Sir.

Zhentilar: ...right, carry on. We'll get someone to come clean this up.

Man, the bard's player was SO angry at us. It was a lesson in roleplaying. Can only hope it stuck.

Quietus
2007-02-12, 05:37 PM
My story of PC stupidity isn't so much a bad thing for the PC's... it's more a testament to what can be done if you've got the resources and aren't afraid to do something ridiculous.

My DM was running some Mod from Dragon or Dungeon or something, we had two elf PC's (druid and cleric, aka Team Healing, now Team No Concentration - With one exception, we've never rolled higher than a 4 on our d20's to pass any concentration check, ever. The one time I rolled an 8, I got a total of 15, not enough to cast my cleric's Cure Moderate. Anyway...), and we were investigating a Duergar issue. The Duergar had been coming up into the forest, clear-cutting, and us elves were none too happy about that. We made our way down, making creative use of a bear and some rope to pass jump/swim checks (My char, Limion, a cleric of Corellan Larethian, simply has terrible luck - though I suppose trying jump and swim checks untrained in full plate doesn't help..), and finally came to some enormous door with a face on it, which neither of us was able to identify.

We had Cinnamon McBrownPants, the druid's bear animal companion with us. Even taking 20 on Cinnamon's strength check to bust down the door, with Bull's Strength active, and both of us helping, we couldn't get it open. Now, at this point, most players think of going and finding the key; to be fair, we tried to do the same thing. We continued exploring the part of the dungeon nearest to us. Eventually, we came across a Grey Ooze (though neither of us knew what it was) - when it attacked me, I tried to hit it back with my longsword, which was promptly eaten.

Now, I'd noticed that this strange, metal-eating thing was slow. So, here's a great idea - that door we couldn't get through was made of metal, too! We made our way back to that door, slowly, luring the ooze with us. I happened to have a potion of levitate, so I figured sure, no problem, I can make it levitate and hit the door. When we got near the door, I hucked the potion at it, and the ooze began levitating 10 feet in the air, 10 feet from the door. Score!

.... This is when I realized.... Essentially, I just fed the monster a potion and now have no control whatsoever over it's movements.

Joy of joys... the next little while was entertaining. We ended up bull rushing the ooze into the door, which was NOT fun by ANY means. I destroyed a set of masterwork studded leather in the process, unsure of whether or not it would protect my hands (it didn't), but managed to push it into the door. It came back out, tried to swipe at us, but my AC was high enough that it had a hard time. The druid readied an action to cast Create Water if it started eating my armor, which it did when I bull rushed it into the door with just my hands. I failed the reflex save, but the bonus the DM gave us for the druid's Create Water spell helping means that I am now wearing +1 glamered breastplate, sans gauntlets.

It took three more bull rush attempts before we actually punched a meaningful hole through the door with this ooze... my hands were NASTY after that. Thankfully, as noted above, we were team healing - after dispatching the ooze (not hard, when your druid can skirt it and fire a crossbow that does 1d8 lightning/shot as a ranged touch), we healed up my hands, went and touched what was left of the door, which immediately fell off it's hinges.

That's only one story with these characters... we've had plenty similar.

DaMullet
2007-02-12, 05:50 PM
Blah blah, fishcakesNot to mention the several good points from this story over in the "Things I'm Not Allowed to Do" thread. A rip-roaring good tale, well told. I salute you.

Quietus
2007-02-12, 05:59 PM
Thank you, thank you - I do shows on occasion, perhaps I'll step on stage again later this week - we've got a game set this Thursday, a bunch of human (well, sorta, we have a midget and a wererat) characters going into a forest ran by elves, who hate humans. Oh, and the moon's turned into an eye, and we have an elven leader in a state of demonic ... something... that we're bringing with us. And did I mention the talking sword?

We have fun adventures. :smallbiggrin:

DaMullet
2007-02-12, 06:02 PM
Sounds like it. The best my group can manage is the forementioned hooker crap.

Quietus
2007-02-12, 06:29 PM
Hookers can be fun (not in that way). The first time I ever played D&D, I was DMing - couldn't find anyone else to play - and the group was me, my brother, my sister, and a friend of mine. My brother was a half-orc barbarian, my sister an elven ranger, and my friend an elven wizard.

We were playing some terrible, terrible module that I bought (a big orange box declaring "THE ADVENTURE STARTS HERE!", with heavily bastardized rules, I don't suggest it for anyone). They got through it easily, no major problems - the dice liked them that night, I suppose, plus the adventure wasn't really all that tough. The hardest part of the game was the cement floor we were sitting on.

At the end of the adventure, my sister decided she wasn't happy with the ~600 gold she'd gotten, and that she'd go out and have her character try to "make a little money on the side", so to speak. This being my first time playing D&D ever, it took me a few minutes, and more than one "Are you sure?", before I came up with some basic rules - I had her make a charisma check (should've been wisdom, looking back, but still close), basing it off of the rules for a profession check, to see how much gold she made. She made six gold, or something like that, and my friend, the elven wizard, wanted to slap her for it. I had him make a Listen check to overhear rumors about the elven whore that had come into town, and then a Gather Information check to see if he could figure out who it was. He managed to pass both, and the next time we played, he was perfectly justified in slapping her across the face for "UnElvenly Conduct".

Oh, and I also made my sister's char catch a mild disease; Dex penalties for the next game we played.

Good times were had by all... we were all laughing by the end of that game.

Nahal
2007-02-12, 07:47 PM
I played in a campaign where the party rogue WAS the hooker... to about 100 soldiers on leave... who then made a ridiculous amount of money off the procedure and somehow convinced them that the character was the goddess of love and fertility... they even erected a monument to her. Too bad we later doomed the universe to a slow painful death. In fact the party has done that twice, though thankfully in this campaign we have managed to keep things more or less sane.

Favourite moments in these doomed universes:
We discover that certain carriages belonging to a evil imprisoned god (yet somehow able to freely travel in the material plane; VERY high-power world) reflect and amplify any magic thrown at it. Long story short, we accidentally bring said god the means to escape his prison and set the universe to the flame, and as we escape the bard fires of a dispel magic for some reason (forget why) and catches one of these carriages in the blast...
which happened to be next to 10 others...
which the DM ruled created a resonance effect that boosted the spell by ZOMGWFTPWNED orders of magnitude. The result? We dispel the cosmos. Gods lose their powers (I kid you not), our construct PC gets ruined for a while, cause the rapid collapse of the prison plane, and make the just-released evil-god's job ZOMGWTFPWNED orders of magintude easier.

Funniest part? We later accidentally released the god of liches, which at that point was a GOOD thing from a "saving the universe" standpoint. And yes, the lich god was evil. Luckily we were far enough in the future by that point that magic had come back.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-12, 08:32 PM
I'm like the cliche hapless necromantic apprentice who releases the nameless horror and is doomed when he tries to control it; this thread has grown a LOT since I last visited... I need to see some of these...

Oh, and since D&D doesn't have any rules for randomization of getting pregnant, does that mean that you basically choose whether you have kids or not?

...Or do you roll a fort save or something?

...Does it even COUNT as a "disease?"

EDIT:

What, a wimpy 140 points of damage? I'd certainly want to factor my damage reduction in there.

First level. 'Nuff said.

Quietus
2007-02-12, 09:00 PM
I'm like the cliche hapless necromantic apprentice who releases the nameless horror and is doomed when he tries to control it; this thread has grown a LOT since I last visited... I need to see some of these...

Oh, and since D&D doesn't have any rules for randomization of getting pregnant, does that mean that you basically choose whether you have kids or not?

...Or do you roll a fort save or something?

...Does it even COUNT as a "disease?"

EDIT:


First level. 'Nuff said.


There ARE rules for pregnancy. They're in the Book of Erotic Fantasy, however, which isn't a WoTC publication. That book, while being of little use as far as spells and such go (Plus the addition of an "Appearance" stat, which only means you have TWO dump stats instead of just charisma..), does have some pretty good things in there if you want to be a vindictive DM and force pregnancy on your characters.

Stormcrow
2007-02-12, 09:11 PM
You'd be needing either the D20 Book of Unlawful and Carnal Knowledge or the D20 Guide to Sex me'thinks.

Both have rules about that based on race. As well as rules for determining the childs adult attributes based on the parents.

DaMullet
2007-02-12, 09:18 PM
There ARE rules for pregnancy. They're in the Book of Erotic Fantasy, however, which isn't a WoTC publication. That book, while being of little use as far as spells and such go (Plus the addition of an "Appearance" stat, which only means you have TWO dump stats instead of just charisma..), does have some pretty good things in there if you want to be a vindictive DM and force pregnancy on your characters.
I guess some people consider getting knocked up erotic... I honestly think they could have named the book better.

J_Muller
2007-02-12, 09:22 PM
From what I hear, it's just a general repository for those wanting to introduce anything related to sex/pregnancy/erotica into their games.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-12, 09:26 PM
That is...the dumbest...way to play... D....AAAAH! Why must you people keep torturing my imagination! This thread is EVILLL! Okay, I think these people win the thread. No contest.

Lord Iames Osari
2007-02-12, 09:29 PM
From what I hear, it's just a general repository for those wanting to introduce anything related to sex/pregnancy/erotica into their games.

That's pretty much it. I have a PDF of it. Stupid 7th stat....

Quietus
2007-02-12, 09:30 PM
Muller - it's good if you're running an adventure involving people mature enough to handle sex. However, if you want a SERIOUS adventure, you aren't going to take up a class that requires you to have sex for a full hour every morning to refresh your spell list. Particularly when it requires a DC 18 or so constitution check, on the part of both participants, to do it.

NecroPaladin - I suppose I should take a bow and thank you? I like winning threads. :smallbiggrin:

J_Muller
2007-02-12, 09:42 PM
Eh. Those aren't the games I'm interested in playing, but I would think that half the fun of running one of those games would be making up the rules yourself.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-12, 09:55 PM
Consider: "No, you cannot play a horse. What do you mean, WHY?"

ACTUAL words from my DM to a player.

J_Muller
2007-02-12, 09:59 PM
Lawl.

Good to see we're getting back to places that aren't walking the line between allowed and restricted on this forum.

Collin152
2007-02-12, 10:40 PM
Muller - it's good if you're running an adventure involving people mature enough to handle sex. However, if you want a SERIOUS adventure, you aren't going to take up a class that requires you to have sex for a full hour every morning to refresh your spell list. Particularly when it requires a DC 18 or so constitution check, on the part of both participants, to do it.

NecroPaladin - I suppose I should take a bow and thank you? I like winning threads. :smallbiggrin:
What if It's just one participant? is there a prestige class letting you ... er... refresh your spells when nobody is around?

SpiderBrigade
2007-02-12, 10:50 PM
What if It's just one participant? is there a prestige class letting you ... er... refresh your spells when nobody is around?Heheh, pretty sure it has to be with another person.

Actually, I'm not sure there are even rules for...that...in the book. Weird!

Collin152
2007-02-12, 10:53 PM
Well, there goes my Dex-Dumping but High charisma half elf thingy. Nobody wants him, but he's... Narcisistic. Or however its spelled. No rules for it you say? That is expecting a lot from the half breeds.
:thog: No love for thog!

Quietus
2007-02-12, 10:57 PM
Necro - I see no problem with playing a horse. I've got someone playing a Monstrous Spider. I just let him work his five stats, then Awakened him.

Collin - No, you have to have someone nearby to refresh spells with. There is, however, an entire prestige class called the "Sacred Prostitute", who renders her... services, and provides healing in the process.

Collin152
2007-02-12, 10:59 PM
Err... "Sacred" Prostitute? Isn't that like... Angel of Vengeance?

Mewtarthio
2007-02-12, 11:00 PM
Muller - it's good if you're running an adventure involving people mature enough to handle sex. However, if you want a SERIOUS adventure, you aren't going to take up a class that requires you to have sex for a full hour every morning to refresh your spell list. Particularly when it requires a DC 18 or so constitution check, on the part of both participants, to do it.

NecroPaladin - I suppose I should take a bow and thank you? I like winning threads. :smallbiggrin:

*double-takes*

Collin152
2007-02-12, 11:03 PM
I'm telling you, anybody who uses those things should have the feat "masturbation"

J_Muller
2007-02-12, 11:04 PM
Collin - No, you have to have someone nearby to refresh spells with. There is, however, an entire prestige class called the "Sacred Prostitute", who renders her... services, and provides healing in the process.

I've heard of sex relieving stress, but healing wounds? It's like a... dangit, I have such a good joke in mind, but I definitely can't make it on these boards...

Collin152
2007-02-12, 11:14 PM
So.. This uh... Mary Mangdelyn (Sp. Definatly) essentialy sells healing with... uhh... "Fringe Benefits", eh? That sounds like... "Legitimate" "Buisness". I bet you can sneak one into the temple of Pelor.

kamikasei
2007-02-13, 12:46 AM
Err... "Sacred" Prostitute? Isn't that like... Angel of Vengeance?

It was actually a feature in some cultures and/or religions, where you would have 'Temple Prostitutes' - priestesses of some god or goddess - and periodically, like a holy day or pilgrimage or the like, men would have to go to the temple and, uh, make an offering. I don't know what the theological thinking behind it was; I suppose it's a good way to attract followers though. And it fits very well with certain fantasy settings involving desert cults and slave girls in bikinis.

Thomas
2007-02-13, 01:14 AM
Y'all ain't too familiar with Hindu metaphysics and the like, eh?

Talanic
2007-02-13, 01:18 AM
It was actually extremely common in ancient times, at least in the middle east. It also happened around the 1970s in one of those pseudo-Christian cults that springs up from time to time.

kamikasei
2007-02-13, 02:27 AM
Y'all ain't too familiar with Hindu metaphysics and the like, eh?

It features in Hindu religions? I thought it was an ancient-Middle-East thing.

Come to think of it, isn't using sex as a method of worship a feature of the church of Sune in Faerun? Extending that to requiring payment as a tithing/sacrifice isn't that much of a leap. So, yeah, Sacred Prostitutes.

Not sure of the logic behind it healing, though. I would think you'd prefer to get your wounds dealt with before gettin' it on.


Having bleeding wounds while doing it kind of takes some of the fun out.

Pfft, says you.

J_Muller
2007-02-13, 02:30 AM
Having bleeding wounds while doing it kind of takes some of the fun out. Also, it's rude to leave your partner bloodstained, unless, y'know, they're into that sort of thing or something.

Wehrkind
2007-02-13, 03:16 AM
Having bleeding wounds while doing it kind of takes some of the fun out.
First time I read that, I thought you said "Having bleeding wounds while doing TAXES kind of takes some of the fun out."
I was really confused, then convinced it was time to go home and sleep.

Hallavast
2007-02-13, 03:21 AM
Y'all ain't too familiar with Hindu metaphysics and the like, eh?
Lovely word choice there, Thomas. We'll make a proper red neck out of you yet. I'll let you in on a tip, though. Instead of saying "y'all ain't", you could contract the two into a more clever "Y'ain't". :smallbiggrin:

Quietus
2007-02-13, 03:32 AM
Wow, wow, wow.... sorry, didn't mean to derail the thread. Haha. Let me just stick my head in and apologize, I should've known better.

Thomas
2007-02-13, 03:49 AM
It features in Hindu religions? I thought it was an ancient-Middle-East thing.

It's the "kama" part of Kamasutra. :smalltongue:

Then there's the tantra, tantric sex, etc. I'm pretty sure that's specifically what the BoEF stuff is - tantrism. Indian traditions. And you find the devadasi in India, which I imagine the prestige class was based on.


And...

Y'ain't!

Hallavast
2007-02-13, 04:00 AM
It's the "kama" part of Kamasutra. :smalltongue:

And...

Y'ain't!
Ok. Now you're just spoutn' crazy talk. "Y'ain't what?"

Y'ain't makin' no sense. That's what. What with yer Kamuh sutrah and what-not...

SeeKay
2007-02-13, 04:28 AM
Wow. And the sad part is, I can contribute more to the sex talk....

Getting back to the stupidity in gaming, I've actually been in a party with someone that fell for the "Head of Vecna" trap. The DM of a 2nd ed game threw it in as a joke. This guy got hold of it and cut his own head off to attach the artifact to his body. The DM figured he'd be able to slice his head off easy, but since he just grabbed the thing, the rest of the party did nothing to help him attach it. The best part was when someone else picked up the head. The DM asked if he was going to push the thing onto the headless body. The second idiot said, "No, I'm going to cut my head off and attach it to mine".

But back to his current stupidity...

We were playing 3.0 (or maybe 3.5, it was right around when it came out). He was a rogue (some type of elf, I think 'wood') and scouting around. He rolled and found some sort of pit trap. He then climbed the walls to get around the trap and was investigating beyond it.
Out of a hidden door on the party's side stepped a group of minotars. They didn't see the rogue and started to attack the party. After the first round, we were down one mage (can't remember if he was a wizard or a sorcerer) because they came at us from a bad angle but one of the fighters got there before the Minos could kill him. We were in the process of 5ft addjusting to get a good battle line so the druid (our only healer) could stabalize him safely. That's when our rogue saw something he liked....

He said "I didn't act last round, so I go first. Right?"

DM: "That's right. You get to go first and you are one higher than the highest initiative"

Idiot rogue: "GREAT! I charge the nearest minotar. With the Paladin there, I'll get my sneak-attack damage too. Right?"

DM: "Yes, but..."

rest of us "No! Don't..."

IR: "Ok. That's what I do."

DM: "Make a wis check" *IR rolls a 6 after bonus* "Ooo-kaaayy. Now make a Dex check" *IR rolled better. Still a 14 (DC of 20)*

DM: "Your charge takes you across the pit trap. It's a 40' drop onto spikes. You are now at -3 hp."

And we were still able to get down and put a heal on him before he died.

kamikasei
2007-02-13, 04:33 AM
Ok. Now you're just spoutn' crazy talk. "Y'ain't what?"

If you carefully read his post, you'll see that he's saying that I ain't. I ain't what the Sacred Prostitute prestige class was based on.

Which is best all round, really.

Björn
2007-02-13, 04:58 AM
the character pad foot is a thief. pad foot has pretty good stats. But what can you do when you player is a moron.

after a adventure we arrive in the a large town or a small city. the various characters go off in search of there guild halls. and pad foot goes in search of the thieves guild.
he asks around at several local merchants. one of them tells him that all the thieves in this town usually end up at the tree on the big hill just out side of town.
pad foot goes to the hill out side of town where from a distance he sees a man on horse back and three other men all wearing the same colored clothing. they are gathered around a man in ragged brown clothing. so pad foot walks up to the man on horse back and says.
"I'm a thief, is this where the thieves guild meets?"
the man on horse back "yes, they all gather hear eventually." turning to the men he adds "get some more rope out."

VariaVespasa
2007-02-13, 07:25 AM
DM: Well... seeing as the paladin's mount is the only one that's ever had Fly cast on it before and it's smart enough to understand these sorts of things, it takes off. The other animals have no idea what you're asking them to do. They keep moving around in two dimensions. You can make Handle Animal checks, DC 20, to get them off the ground... and I think I'm being really generous there.

My players recently had similar problems with spiderclimbed horses they were using to cross ravines where the bridges had collapsed. Fortunately one of the players is a druid and was able to use speak with animals spells to explain to the horses that walking off a ledge onto and down a vertical cliff-face wasnt as foolish as it seems, but it was still fun reminding the players that horses dont do that kind of thing normally.

NullAshton
2007-02-13, 07:53 AM
Our group has removed the need for horses. We simply use permanent wagon constructs, which was achieved by using Polymorph Any Object.

Dervag
2007-02-13, 09:07 AM
which the DM ruled created a resonance effect that boosted the spell by ZOMGWFTPWNED orders of magnitude. The result? We dispel the cosmos. Gods lose their powers (I kid you not), our construct PC gets ruined for a while, cause the rapid collapse of the prison plane, and make the just-released evil-god's job ZOMGWTFPWNED orders of magintude easier. I thought you said that gods lose their powers. Woudln't that make his job harder, since he's one of them?

Gamebird
2007-02-13, 10:02 AM
Our group has removed the need for horses. We simply use permanent wagon constructs, which was achieved by using Polymorph Any Object.

Ooooo! Why didn't I think of that! And here I went through this long, involved process of getting a custom-made wagon of exotic materials, talking the cleric into animating it, then hitting it with Permanency. PaO would have been much cheaper.

Nahal
2007-02-13, 10:57 AM
I thought you said that gods lose their powers. Woudln't that make his job harder, since he's one of them?

Somehow this dude was insulated from the blast. In fact he was inside one of these carriages IIRC, which would have shielded him. Certain other powerful entities were also missed, but the entire Asgard pantheon? gone.

Pepper
2007-02-13, 12:52 PM
I'm telling you, anybody who uses those things should have the feat "masturbation"

I thought thats what "Monkey Grip" was?

NullAshton
2007-02-13, 01:08 PM
Ooooo! Why didn't I think of that! And here I went through this long, involved process of getting a custom-made wagon of exotic materials, talking the cleric into animating it, then hitting it with Permanency. PaO would have been much cheaper.

We also used PaO once when in a combat, we accidentally killed a horse. And we needed the horse to get some meat back to a starving village. So we used PaO on the horse so that it would be alive again for a couple of days.

Gamebird
2007-02-13, 01:37 PM
We also used PaO once when in a combat, we accidentally killed a horse. And we needed the horse to get some meat back to a starving village. So we used PaO on the horse so that it would be alive again for a couple of days.

Yeah, PaO has some weird moral issues. Like if you can turn a pebble into a human, how old is the human? What memories does he/she have? Does he/she have a name or identity? Is it ethical to turn rocks into sentient creatures?

Nahal
2007-02-13, 01:37 PM
My favourite was still PaO-ing a beholder into a banana slug.

Quietus
2007-02-13, 02:57 PM
That sounds like a story I want to hear.

Nahal
2007-02-13, 06:54 PM
Gah, the problem with my "stupid PC" stories is that they all take so long to explain. And then there are just funny stories, like the time Takhisis gave me an intelligent animated spellbook with just about every spell in existence (It didn't like our bard//paladin; LONG story on how he was the only gestalt char in the campaign). I spent a good deal of time trying to escape it, but it always tracked me down.

Funny thing about the beholder is that we met him and his buddy just before releasing the lich-god. They were playing cards, and offered to let us gamble with them; an item each from a room which contained just about every magic item in the DMG (on account of there being THOUSANDS of bodies lying in there, plus an ominous-looking obelisk. They were quite nice until the party idiot (at this point an Initiate of the Seven-old Veil; we'd killed off his druid earlier on) cast ust the right spell to unlock the obelisk and release the lich-god, which caused the beholders (the thing's guardians) to go all mutated and nasty. Luckily one failed its save and turned into a banana slug. But yeah, we had one guy in the group who couldn't stay awake because he spent his nights at strip clubs drinking diet coke and stalking the dancers, and another who aside from having the emotional maturity of a lemonsingle-handedly managed to push the plot beyond salvation. Thankfully those two are gone.

newsance
2007-02-13, 09:21 PM
I mentioned this in another thread, but it bears repeating.

We have a party of level 3 and 4 folks. And a wizard. We had found a necklace of fireball among some other stuff in a dungeon crawl. I'm not sure if that is the official name, but all of the "gems" on the necklace cast varying spell levels of fireball when thrown.

So, a few meetings later, we are exploring a sewer looking for whatever happened to the parents of two of the characters.

We come across rats and lycanthropes. Things start out well until we realize that we have no silver weapons, and we would need to crit to overcome the damage reduction.

So, we have a 5 foot wide hallway opening to a room of unknown size, but probably small. This is a sewer, after all. Although I am a ranger, I am the party meatshield as I have maxed my hit dice (d8+3) every level and have 44, while our fighter has sucked.

So I am in front, soaking up damage and attempting to crit the guy in front. The waizard casts magic missile a few times, and casts flaming sphere, which does some decent damage.

But, we are out of spells, which leaves me needing to crit. They cast some buffs where my strength came up to where I could nick them if I maxed a damage roll on a normal hit, but it is still not working.

I suggest fleeing. After all, only one can attack me, and he simply isn't a threat. Everyone else could flee, and then I could do the same taking a single AOO.

Wizard: "We can't leave, they know where my parents are"

Me: "You cast detect thought, and got nothing but 'we need to feed the rats.' We can't hurt them, lets go"

Wizard: "I take one of the gems off the fireball necklace and throw it into the room"

Dm: "YOU DO WHAT?"

This fireball does 2d6 damage. Comes right back up the hallway and tiny room back at us.

We roll our saving throws. The wizard fails hers. Shes dead.

The necklace needs to make a saving throw. The wizard rolls it, and fails again.

A neat clause on that fireball necklace: if it fails a saving throw, all fireball gems go off simultaneously.

Dm: Ok, thats over 50D6 damage. Wanna start rerolling characters?

Wizzardman
2007-02-14, 12:29 AM
Righto, story time.

So I'm running a newbie game for a bunch of college friends of mine who had never played D&D before--and I had--and I wanted to give them something interesting to do. I set them up at third level, gave them a job as bouncers/troubleshooters at an Adventurer-exclusive inn, and had an experienced friend of mine [who didn't want to be in the game much, but really wanted to play a vampire] run an NPC.

Earlier in the day, after the PCs get the job, the NPC decides to show off a bit by 'doing a little drinking'--he orders a shot of Dwarven Floorkisser (aka Beer of Annihilation--which is kinda a trademark games that I run), and downs it. As he's a vampire, he's fine. To beat him, one of PCs also orders a shot (which comes in a smoking, lead-lined shotglass) and is promptly unconscious for several hours.

Now, on to the stupidity: time passes, and the NPC vamp starts making trouble--he's supposed to become the BBEG of the game. So he kills somebody in the bathroom, slips out, and while the PCs are all standing in the bathroom, checking out the corpse, he quietly walks back and locks them in.

The PCs spend a good several minutes freeing themselves, during which Mr. Half-Orc Vampire NPC decides to call forth his army of zombie mooks to wreck up the place. He then returns to the inn, and acts as if nothing has happened (the players don't suspect the lowly half-orc of being an evil mastermind). The PCs see the zombies, and start fighting them. The NPC comes along and pretends to help out a bit--at the moment, he wants the PCs to believe he's on their side.

So, naturally, the PCs roll abysmally, and totally fail to kill a bunch of CR 1 zombies--and as such, are convinced that the zombies are invincible. The party ranger comes up with a plan--he runs back into the inn, grabs a keg of Beer of Annihilation, and (much to the dismay of the other PCs), pours the keg of magical liquor all over the ground, where it puddles out until all the PCs and the zombies are standing in it.

Keep in mind, I've warned them that this beer is (a) magical and (b) incredibly dangerous.

He then proceeds to light a torch, and toss it into the center of the puddle. The NPC catches the torch just in time, and puts it out. The other party members scream "Don't ignite it, you newb!" What does the party ranger do? He lights another torch, and tosses it in.

...And, since I didn't want these guys to have a TPK on their first session, there was DM Intervention. I declared that instead of killing them all in a massive explosion, the blast knocked them clean out of this plane.

And, according to the random plane table I used, straight into the Abyss.

Quietus
2007-02-14, 01:56 AM
Unfortunately, we had our IRC game tonight, but nothing spectacularly stupid happened; Worst was a natural one one a heal check. Lame. On the bright side, the team of four managed to hunt down and kill EVERY SINGLE KOBOLD I threw at them. Including the one that rolled a nat 20 on his Hide check.

Anyway, let's see... Ah! ... Hmmmm.... Let's go with this one.



I have a human rogue in a campaign that started in an extremely xenophobic human city. The people of this city believe Elves to be demons, and true to form, Elves were attacking the city. To make things worse, some of these elves were spellcasters; The people of this city know NOTHING of magic, whatsoever. So elves casting magic = demons in our midst. A fight broke out in the streets, and a bunch of elves were on the rooftops, shooting flaming arrows down at the group of us below. My character and a human Ranger that was from out-of-town rushed into the nearby house to get to the roof, where the elves were shooting from. We rush through the house, get to the roof, there's four elves up there with shortbows. Me being a genius, I have no ranged weapons... oh well. I climb up to the roof, promptly get shot at (Now I'm down to 2 hp, this was at level one), lose the balance check, but make the reflex save to grab the lip when I fall. I decide to take the tiles from the roof, and start throwing them at the enemies. I even managed to hit one, who promptly failed his Balance check and fell. Coincidentally, this is where I got his name from (Kyle Tucker, Tile Hucker - it used to be something else, but this was just too cool.)

Now, this is where Kyle decided to get stupid. Three elves remaining on the roof... and Kyle gets the bright idea to climb up again. He rushes up, bull rushes one of the elves... and misses his freaking touch attack. He ends up on the WRONG side of the roof, where a fall means a forty foot drop, and keep in mind, I've got 2 hit points left. So okay, whatever... I look below me, realize I can't fall... make another bull rush attempt. I mean, I can't possibly be that bad, can I?

Apparently, I can. Once more, I fail my melee touch attack, and go to the other side of the roof (where a fall means a 10 foot drop to a balcony), and promptly fail my balance check. Whoop!@ ... down I go. But instead of making a Reflex save to grab the edge, I decided to grab the leg of the elf I missed. Which I managed to do... and the elf failed his strength check, tumbling down the roof with me. I passed my Tumble check, took no damage from the fall, and the Elf failed his, landing prone... which I followed by hitting him with a critical, max damage, sneak attack. Total of 20 points in one shot. This is also where my character got his trademark battle cry from, "UVULA!!!"

Right. So only be sheer luck, has my character managed to survive so far. Two elves down... two left. The ranger has picked upa spear somewhere, and is "mining for elves", trying to do enough damage to the ceiling to punch through. I take my grappling hook and rope, decide to try and get hold of one of the two remaining elf's legs... I wrap the rope around them, but they cut the rope. Lame. So whatever... I get back up, climb back onto the roof, STILL packing my massive 2 hit points, run up, and attempt (yes, I was this stupid) ANOTHER bull rush.

By all rights, I should've missed. Thankfully, I actually made my melee touch (gotta roll high sometime, I suppose), but lost the strength check. Bouncing back, I lost my Balance check to stay standing. Falling, I remember that the grappling hook is still attached to his leg... I make my reflex save to grab hold of the rope that's trailing from it, and drag another elf down with me. One tumble check later, he's on the bottom of the falling pile, and Kyle is once more screaming, "UVULA!!!".

The fourth elf apparently decided to take off, at that point - I couldn't figure out where he went. I did manage to snag one of the elf's shortbows, however, make my way up to the roof, and fire at another of the elves that were trying to run away on the ground - no sneak attack, but I did take him down.


Kyle has done so many absolutely ridiculous things in his lifetime... this is certainly among the most ridiculous. Three failed bull rushes, and SO MANY failed balance checks... and he kept going for it, knowing that if ONE of those elves managed to hit him (they kept missing, thankfully - I guess when you're just hanging so it's your fingers at the edge, you get an awesome AC bonus), he'd be dead. By all rights, that guy should be dead, just from that fight alone - there are other stories involving him, but I'll save them for later.

DaMullet
2007-02-14, 10:09 AM
Quietus, that is sincerely epic. I commend you.

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-14, 11:16 AM
Oh, wow.
Beer of Annihilation shunting a group into Hell.
Damn.
And yeah, Quietus, that is, in fact, fairly epic.

spotmarkedx
2007-02-14, 12:03 PM
Wizard: "I take one of the gems off the fireball necklace and throw it into the room"

Dm: "YOU DO WHAT?"

This fireball does 2d6 damage. Comes right back up the hallway and tiny room back at us.

We roll our saving throws. The wizard fails hers. Shes dead.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't 3rd Ed do away with fireball backwash because it was a giant pain?

But on with the stories!
This was a while ago, back in early 2nd Edition:

The group I was playing with was in a cemetary because... actually I don't honestly remember why we were there. Despite the number of thieves in our party, we were more of an adventury group than a "lets steal everything that isn't nailed down" group. Party was Elven Thief (Me), Elven Spell Filcher (Mage/Thief), and a Halfling Thief. We're all in the middle to high single digits for levels.

DM: As you approach the sepulchre, the wind picks up, whipping some of the rain into your eyes and tossing your thoroughly drenched cloaks around you. If anything, the storm is getting worse. There are runes that are carved into the stone of the tomb, but they are hard to make out with just the occasional lightning flash.

Halfling Thief(HT): I'm going to open the door to the tomb.

Spell Filcher(SF): Are you sure that's a good idea?
HT: I'm just taking a look. Don't worry about it.
Me: I'm going to worry anyway. I have a bad feeling about this.

DM: As you crack open the door of the tomb, a rush of musty air rushes outward blowing the door wide. The door slams into the side of the stone wall, but the sound is obliterated by the thunderclaps of a quick succession of lightning bolts. The inside is patch black, as if the ambient light cannot pass more than a few feet past the threshold.

Me: ...
SF: ...
HT: I go inside and light my lantern so I can look around.

DM: ...
Me: ...
SF: ...
HT: What?

DM: There is a single chamber inside. A large sarcophogus dominates the center of the room. It is made of stone, and chains run from the walls and floors to metal loops driven into the coffin. The sarcophogus is covered in runes of warding, and a large wax seal is sealing the lid shut.

HT: I'm going to open this thing.
Me: The church is sanctified holy ground, right? I start running for it now.
SF: You know, this is a really bad idea. I don't think this is supposed to be opened.
HT: Come on, where is your sense of adventure? I take out my dagger to start working on the wax seal.
SF: I start running for the church too.

DM: *sighs* starts speaking to the spell filcher and myself
DM: The two of you are thrown off your feet by a massive earthquake. Simultaneously, thirteen lightning bolts erupt from the sky and strike the sephulche that you just left. You hear deep in your soul the insane laughter of something unspeakably vile, and it seems to be repreating the phrase: "I'm free! I'm finally free!!!!! MuahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAaaaaa!"

Yep. We (and by "we", I mean "the halfling") pretty much released the arch-demon villain into the world instead of defending the tomb from the zealots that were trying to find where he was sealed so that they could do the same.

edit for hindsight: we should have tackled the halfling

Attilargh
2007-02-14, 12:39 PM
So there was no lock whatsoever on the door of the tomb, and the only thing keeping the coffin closed was a wax seal? And this thing was designed to seal an arch-demon?

spotmarkedx
2007-02-14, 12:42 PM
Hm.. That may be my fuzzy memory. There were probably locks, but then again, we're talking about a party of thieves too.

Gamebird
2007-02-14, 12:42 PM
Eh, it's magic. Just one of those things. Kind of like how a scrawled chalk circle is supposed to bind demons inside of it, unless someone accidentally smudges the chalk, thus releasing it.

Silkenfist
2007-02-14, 12:51 PM
Having bleeding wounds while doing it kind of takes some of the fun out. Also, it's rude to leave your partner bloodstained, unless, y'know, they're into that sort of thing or something.

One comment and simultaneously one case of stupidity:

Never EVER EVER hit on a drow queen. At the best, you drive your DM insane. At the worst, they start smiling and fluff out a very very impleasant encounter.

Grendita
2007-02-14, 11:36 PM
I remember one of my players does stupid stuff every session. His current best is re-rolling 3 times in one session. His current character was a Cleric of Tyr. The rest of the party were a theif, a Merc and shady wizard type.

The party goes to a bar to rest, which just happens to be the shadiest place in town as the rest of the party don't want to put up with the cleric. The Cleric enters the Inn in his vestments, holy symbol visable to all. The inn goes deathly quiet as all the lusty rogues, hard bitten mercenaries and other unmentionables turn to look at the cleric. (The Clergy of Tyr were the Hardline law keepers of the town). He goes Elsewhere

He comes back later to talk to a party member (Still dressed in his vestments) and stumbles clumsily across the bar room "Accidently" spilling the pint of a rather large half orc. The party intervenes before things get really ugly and they all go elsewhere.

He goes back alone the next day, all of his spells are "Create water". I knew this was going to be interesting. He walked into the inn in question in the evening, his spells still full (The party hadn't done much that day), and proceeded to use his spells to create water onto people. He was killed in the ensuing brawl when he tried to talk someone out with a sword.

Chavik
2007-02-15, 12:16 AM
One of my favourite stories: a new player (Kyle) joined us for what we called The Vile Campaign. This was a campaign of purely evil PCs fighting the forces of good. This was our DM Johns first experience with our friend.

John: Ok you start off at the local...
Kyle: No actually, I start off by wiping the hookers blood off my sword.
John: whos blood?
Kyle: The hookers
John: which hooker?
Kyle: the one i just killed
John: ...*pauses*...****** head*...well were off to a start arent we.


The Cabered Gnoll
setting: small group of NPC dwarves and two PCs one Barb, one Bard on one side of a small hill. pack of Gnolls on the other side.

DM: A gnoll falls down the hill towards you as an arrow strikes it in the face.

Bard: Hey you, dwarvy fellow person... yeah you... your sorta Scottish right? Irish? Celtic even?

Dwarf fighter: What ye be talkin bout?

Bard: How much damage does a caber do?

Dwarf: They be powerful...

Bard: Bends over dead gnoll with scraps from broken wagon, Leather, and lengths of chainrolls Craft(Weapon) = 22well **** son... it worked

Barbarian: Cabers said Gnoll...squashes said pack of gnolls

this led to the famous qoute: "whatever cabers your gnoll" (same context as "whatever floats your boat")

njero
2007-02-15, 12:38 AM
Ingenious!

J_Muller
2007-02-15, 01:14 AM
One of my favourite stories: a new player (Kyle) joined us for what we called The Vile Campaign. This was a campaign of purely evil PCs fighting the forces of good. This was our DM Johns first experience with our friend.

John: Ok you start off at the local...
Kyle: No actually, I start off by wiping the hookers blood off my sword.
John: whos blood?
Kyle: The hookers
John: which hooker?
Kyle: the one i just killed
John: ...*pauses*...****** head*...well were off to a start arent we.

Did he afterwards attempt to steal a carriage while someone was driving it?

KuReshtin
2007-02-15, 07:59 AM
OBarbarian: Cabers said Gnoll...squashes said pack of gnolls

this led to the famous qoute: "whatever cabers your gnoll" (same context as "whatever floats your boat")

We actually did a kind of similar thing this past weekend in the group I'm playing with at the moment.

We've just started up, so we've just barely got past level 1.. We've been sent to scope out some silver mine and walked down a path towards a closed door. I, being the fighter, failed my sneak roll and we heard a lot of shuffling around of stuff in the room on the other side of the door.
I hadn't bothered picking up any proper ranged weapon except for a javelin/spear, while my companions, a cleric and a ranger, each had a short bow.
We decided that since I had by far the most HP, I'd open the door and get out of the way, while the other two readied their bows and fired at whatever unfriendlies we found inside.
Of course, as I said, my failed sneak roll, meant that the group of 9 kobolds were waiting for us with their light cross bows aimed at the door, covering behind two overturned tables.

Since they weren't surprised, normal initiative was rolled, and my fighter (as usual) managed to get the lowest initiative.
Somehow, only one of the kobolds hit me and the rest missed wildly. My friends fired their bows, but behind the cover, the kobolds managed to stay alive as well.

My turn.
As I said, I didn't have anything but a spear to throw at them, and since they were behind cover, I decided that it'd be useless anyway.

Me: I Bull Rush one of the tables.
DM: Say what?
Me: I Bull Rush one of the tables and try to trap the kobolds behind it.
DM: Okay.. So, make a strength roll to see if you can move the table back into the wall behind the kobolds.
Me: *rolls d20+3=19*
DM: *rolls opposed strength check, adding on the kobolds bonus* Hmm.. *rolls more dice* Okay, there were five kobolds behind that table. You just killed four of them.
Me: Woohoo! DEATH BY TABLE!

This, of course gave the ranger the same idea at the top of the next round, and Bull Rushed the other table before the four kobolds behind that table managed to move out from behind it, killing them as well, again causing an outbust of "DEATH BY TABLE!" from the group.

The last kobold was swiftly chopped to pieces by my bastard sword.

Gamebird
2007-02-15, 10:14 AM
Except that tables usually have legs which are secure enough to keep them from collapsing. But maybe the kobolds were stupid enough to set the tables up backwards.

Josh Inno
2007-02-15, 01:06 PM
I'm afraid my most recent story of PC stupditity isn't all that ammuzing.

The party heads into a hidden cave, in which there are weapon racks, bags of general supplies, and shut boxes. The DM asks if anyone is going to open the boxes.
There we were, the Beguiler, and the Halfling Ardent with curiosity domain, the only ones with our hands not up at the table. We look at each other, I look to the DM and say "Not until we check them to see if they're trapped." Backup GM playing an eogist (who later converted to a psychic warrior/monk combo) looks to me and says "Well that's not very curious!" I look to her and dead pan. "Sure it is. I'm curious as to weither the boxes have traps on them or not." Which gets a fair number of laughs.

Of course the 4 people that opened boxes get attacked with various poison darts. The beguiler looks to me, and I start nodding even before he gets the first word of his sentence out. "Looks like we found out if they're tapped or not" The goliath barbarian, the only one struck, continues to go around and open 4 more boxes, releasing 4 more traps.

I decide to disarm the boxes, and I say "Hold up just a sec, I want to look up the range on psionic knock, to see if I can open up the chests at a safe distance."

While I'm doing this, the goliath Barbarian's player decrees. "I'm bored. I'm going to go open the chests."

Flustered and incredulous I blink. "Is that in character or out of character?" "In character" "How can you be bored In character? You're already ahead of me by at least 4 freaking rounds. I haven't acted yet, because I'm looking up a spell out of character. You're not waiting on me in character, you're IN THE FUTURE!"

The DM then called me an Ass, since she was playing in character.

My rejoinder? "How can she be playing her character being bored waiting for me, when she's in the Future!" I'm told to quit being an Ass, as the DM continues to deal with the Barbarian's future activities.

I then shrug and say. "Fine, go ahead and use up your hit points, means I have to spend less power points."

Norsesmithy
2007-02-15, 04:56 PM
This was from the second game of DnD I had ever played.

Group consists of me, a male Human Paladin, a male Gnome Druid, a male Half-orc Barbarian, a female Human Rogue, and a female Human Sorceror.

I have a Comp longbow, a greatsword, a buckler, and splint mail; the Druid has a sling, a shortspear, and light sheild and leather armour; the Barbarian has scale mail, harpoon, two javelins, and a scythe; the Rogue has a comp short bow, shortsword, light hammer, and studded leather; sorc has light crossbow, dagger, morning star, and a shorspear.

We come to a door in an abandoned mine were are tasked in reclaiming, and find a short bit of string poking out fron under the door. The rogue fails the disable check, and causes a bell on the other side to ring loudly. I detect faint evil. We hear yappy voices on the other side of the door, and two loud thumps. we set up with the barb off to the side of the door, going to bash it down with the sorc's morning star, while the rest of us line up to shoot at what ever targets appear. The druid demands to be the point man, "On account of I am the smallest target, and besides, you guys can shoot over my head, but I can't shoot over yours." We bash down the door, and I hear "Gnome!" screached in Draconic (my bonus language). We can't see anything, on account of the room being 120 feet long, and the kobolds are at least 70 feet into the darkness. Six heavy crossbow bolts and a spear whistle out of the dark and knock the druid to -8.

On our go, we drag the druid out of the door way, I adminster the heal check, and the barb throws a torch down the room, where it iluminates a table sitting on its side, and a few kobolds taking cover behind it.

We fight our way to the kobolds, trading arrows and spears until we finally get to melee. We kill six outright, and capture one, a fighter, he is not evil on detect evil. Having bound the captured enemy, we take the room for our resting place, at least until the druid heals back to consiousness and can use his CureXs to get the rest of us back to 100%. We set the kobold back behind the table, and the gnome on what appears to be a tatterd old silk rug. While we build a small cook fire, and find small animals to eat (bats, mostly), we hear a skittering niose, and something that sounds like a well oiled stone door closing. The gnome is gone. We search the area for clues and find that the "rug" is actually a (medium sized) trap door spider's hole.

Since he was at -9, we just assumed he died, and we decided that he would have preferred to be part of the natural order, and not disturb this natural creature for his sake.:smallsigh:

After a long bout of diplomacy, we accepted the Kobold fighter as a PC, played by the Gnome's player.

NecroPaladin
2007-02-15, 06:58 PM
he asks around at several local merchants. one of them tells him that all the thieves in this town usually end up at the tree on the big hill just out side of town.

I suppose that that PC was at the end of his rope. How deliciously ironic. And Darwin-worthy stupid.

Jack_Simth
2007-02-15, 07:28 PM
Ooooo! Why didn't I think of that! And here I went through this long, involved process of getting a custom-made wagon of exotic materials, talking the cleric into animating it, then hitting it with Permanency. PaO would have been much cheaper.
The catch: Your DM has to permit it to work.

You see, Polymorph Any Object doesn't have a listed means of determining the loyalties of the new creature. Sure, Animate Objects does (they are under the command of the caster) but technically, when you use Polymorph Any Object to make a critter out of a thing, the loyalties of the new critter are up to DM whim.

Mind you, a tireless carriage/wagon/whatever isn't particularly game-breaking once the party has access to 8th level spells, so practical DMs aren't going to really oppose it too much ... unless they want to be mean.

Surfer99
2007-02-15, 07:29 PM
Except that tables usually have legs which are secure enough to keep them from collapsing. But maybe the kobolds were stupid enough to set the tables up backwards.

Just figured id throw in the reasoning for Kureshtins little table story (DMing that group ;) )

You see i had been rather specific with the type of table there was "not a fourlegged one(as the one we were sitting at ourselves - ooc) but and old oaken table with a crossbeam and basicly when he crashed the table into the dungeon wall the poor kobolds got splattered against the wall, even with their combined str check, and a bonus for beeing on a stone floor they still didnt manage to stop him. hence killing all the kobolds

So the table didnt collapse but merely squished the kobolds behind it.

/end derail

*(sorry just wanted to clarify that)

Mooseman
2007-02-15, 07:59 PM
I DM a group of rookie players. A few of them are theatre kids, so they are super intense about staying in character. So the two characters involved in this are an alcoholic halfling bard with a severe attraction to fuzzy and cute things, as well as shiny things, and a bullying half-elf sorceror. The sorceror had found a gray bag of tricks, and was experimenting with it before he knew what it was. He reached his hand in, and lo and behold, produced a cat before the halfling's eyes. Staying completely in character, the two got into a huge fight that ended with the halfling holding a knife to the sorceror's kidney after a series of each player pulling a new animal out as soon as the other did(Bag of Tricks only allows one animal to exist at once). Eventually, the halfling was talked out of skewering the sorceror, and the druid of the party ended up being in charge of the bag. It was hilarious, because the two of them were so intense. I laughed my head off in between telling them, "As a badger appears, the bat circling Alton's (the halfling) head disappears in a puff of dust!"

Chavik
2007-02-15, 09:07 PM
Did he afterwards attempt to steal a carriage while someone was driving it?

it was a lvl 17 campaign and he was 13 sorc/2 rog/2 ftr so he resurrected said hooker...enlarged to large size and used her as a mount for the rest of the campaign acually.... he was one f'd-up player

Nahal
2007-02-15, 09:42 PM
Umm... I presume you mean re-ANIMATED. I was under the impression that Sorcs and Wizzies don't get to play with positive energy

J_Muller
2007-02-15, 10:57 PM
it was a lvl 17 campaign and he was 13 sorc/2 rog/2 ftr so he resurrected said hooker...enlarged to large size and used her as a mount for the rest of the campaign acually.... he was one f'd-up player

Buh...wuh...huh...muuhwuuheauuhuh...

*headsplode*

Jacob_Gallagher
2007-02-15, 11:40 PM
Buh...wuh...huh...muuhwuuheauuhuh...

*headsplode*

Seconded...

Lemur
2007-02-16, 12:18 AM
Speaking of explosions, my brother told me a story from a campaign he was in. While not exactly a PC stupidity story, it's kinda funny.

One of the three PCs decides to get some information about the next adventure by going to fortune teller. The fortune teller gazes into her crystal ball, and after a while shrieks in terror, "It's abominable! Abonimable!" and runs from her gypsy tent.

The party then sets out, going through several trials and adventures, and more or less forgetting about the prediction, or assuming that one of the creatures the faced qualified as being abominable. While traveling one day though, they come across a field of cows. The cows are actually scattered on the road as well, and aren't really moving around either.

The PC who went to the fortune teller way back when is curious, but my brother and the third PC are suspicious, and decide to hang back. The curious PC though, walks up to one of the cows and pokes it.

A giant fireball is released, resulting in hideous firey pain for the one PC. While he stands around looking burnt and confused, the DM turns to him, with a huge grin on his face and says:

"It's A Bomb In A Bull"

NecroPaladin
2007-02-16, 03:42 AM
Buh...wuh...huh...muuhwuuheauuhuh...

*headsplode*

Thirded. What went wrong with this thread? :smallbiggrin:

Destro_Yersul
2007-02-16, 05:58 AM
I have no idea, but here's another stupidity story (thankfully not me):

The party has just finished killing off an evil cleric of death and his undead minions. Thanks to a wand of CLW, some very lucky dice rolling, and a spellcaster with use magic device they had managed to survive this ridiculously difficult encounter without any PC death. So they go into the next room.
DM: This room was apparently the Cleric's living quarters. There is a bed... *describes room* ... There is also a chest against one wall. It glows with dark magic.
PC Cleric: What can I sense in the room? (Homebrew rule that good clerics can detect evil and the direction it's coming from if it's really strong)
DM: The chest has a powerful evil aura. Everything else seems normal.
PC Cleric: I tell the rest of the group that the chest is evil.
PC Rogue: I run over to the chest and open it!
Everyone: ...
PC Rogue: What? I want to see what's inside.
DM: Are you sure you want to do that?
PC Rogue: Yes, I'm sure.
Party: We all go and stand outside the door, looking in.
DM: You want to open a chest belonging to a powerful cleric of death?
PC Rogue: Yes.
DM: The same chest that clearly scanned as evil to your cleric friend?
PC Rogue: That's the one.
DM: The very chest that is, at this moment, glowing with dark energies?
PC Rogue: Yes, now let me open it already!
DM: Roll a will save.
The rogue fails his will save. The DM tells everyone else that they see the rogue open the chest. As he does so, the dark energy flows into his body and he collapses.
Party: We go check to see if he's alive, then loot the chest.
DM: The rogue is dead. Inside the chest you find... *describes loot*
Rogue's player: DAMNIT!

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-16, 06:27 AM
Speaking of explosions, my brother told me a story from a campaign he was in. While not exactly a PC stupidity story, it's kinda funny.

One of the three PCs decides to get some information about the next adventure by going to fortune teller. The fortune teller gazes into her crystal ball, and after a while shrieks in terror, "It's abominable! Abonimable!" and runs from her gypsy tent.

The party then sets out, going through several trials and adventures, and more or less forgetting about the prediction, or assuming that one of the creatures the faced qualified as being abominable. While traveling one day though, they come across a field of cows. The cows are actually scattered on the road as well, and aren't really moving around either.

The PC who went to the fortune teller way back when is curious, but my brother and the third PC are suspicious, and decide to hang back. The curious PC though, walks up to one of the cows and pokes it.

A giant fireball is released, resulting in hideous firey pain for the one PC. While he stands around looking burnt and confused, the DM turns to him, with a huge grin on his face and says:

"It's A Bomb In A Bull"
Bah Ram Ewe?

clockwork warrior
2007-02-16, 06:42 AM
this is my favorite story...


so i was DMing for a group, it was a homebrewed game (3rd level), and there first quest type deal was that they were hired to find out why the towns steel shipment was late (it was 2 days over dew) the players, with out any information other than what direction to go in, head out to find the problem.

so about a half day latter they reach the mine entrance and see to goblins posted out side of it. automatically thinking that the goblins were the ones steeling the ore, they party sneaks up and kills them, then proceeds to enter the mine and kill all the goblins they could find.

what they didn't bother to learn was that the goblins run the mine for the town, in exchange for protection and supplies.


the party did eventually find out that the goblins were not stealing, and that the real cause was a rust monster that found its way in the shafts.

in the end, because they ended up murdering a good amount of the mining force, not only did the party not get paid, they owed the town money, and had to spend a week with the goblins to help mining.

not the players proudest moment...

phobiandarkmoon
2007-02-16, 06:48 AM
I can't really top any of these, but recently when playing a game of Mage we had two guys who were in the position of telling us what to do, one of whom had decided to give us a two week break and the other we were sorting out a group of Seers of the Throne for.

Anyway, we wanted to get some more information and direction from the second guy about the Seers. It occured to one of us, for some Gods-forsaken reason, to ask about that while we were near the other guys office. So we went and asked him, and elicited a 'Huh?' response...

There was also the end of a Starship Troopers RPG where we had been recorded (without our knowledge) killing a Military Intelligence officer who had ordered us to kill a bunch of civilians whose only crime was sheltering behind some psychic who could control the bugs somehow (and who we'd shot some time ago). Well, we had two choices - somehow destroy the copy that had been beamed to our ship or high tail it out of there with these rebels (I can't rightly remember their name, Black Ops or something). We were pretty much all convinced to go for the second one, but then our Japanese Mecha-man (whose APE suit had been stomped all over by a King Tanker bug earlier that session and only barely escaped), had the following plan:

1) We need to get back to the ship quickly and destroy the evidence
2) We can't get back quickly as a group without causing suspicion
3) Therefore, it needs to be by Medevac (being evacuated due to medical emergency)
4) So, if I tie this tourniquet to my arm and one of you shoots me...

At this point the rest of the group was looking at him incredulously

5) ... We medevac me, I then escape the medical bay, get the records and destroy them.

We spent a good 20 minutes or so trying to talk him out of this, even after we learned that the records would be on the bridge and he would therefore be attempting to avoid court-martial by storming the bridge...

Anyway, one of our less caring members of the party decided to shoot him, criticalled and knocked him unconcious. At which point we took him with us when we left with the Black Ops anyway...

kamikasei
2007-02-16, 07:01 AM
what they didn't bother to learn was that the goblins run the mine for the town, in exchange for protection and supplies.

...This wasn't common knowledge? They couldn't figure it out with a knowledge check? If it's not something they ought to have known already, the town didn't think to tell them?

Had the players read a primer on the campaign setting, or anything similar, telling them that monstrous humanoids might be found in gainful employment, and then forgotten it?

If not, I don't see how this is really a PC stupidity story...

Nahal
2007-02-16, 08:55 AM
Indeed. An arrangement that unusual SHOULD be player knowledge, to prevent precisely what you just described.

Also, a catgirl's going to die for this, but I'm pretty sure steel isn't mined. You need a foundry for that sort of thing, and that's precisely the kind of thing you DON'T want PC's getting near.

NullAshton
2007-02-16, 09:08 AM
Indeed. An arrangement that unusual SHOULD be player knowledge, to prevent precisely what you just described.

Also, a catgirl's going to die for this, but I'm pretty sure steel isn't mined. You need a foundry for that sort of thing, and that's precisely the kild of thing you DON'T want PC's getting near.

Steel was produced from iron. I believe steel is iron, except that more carbon was added to the metal, while impurities were removed.

kamikasei
2007-02-16, 09:19 AM
Steel was produced from iron. I believe steel is iron, except that more carbon was added to the metal, while impurities were removed.

Yes, but then it'd be an iron mine, possibly with (as Nahal says) a foundry attached.

However, this is easily explained. Ancient dwarvish settlement. Cave-in. Lots and lots of steel to be plundered mined...

Ditto
2007-02-16, 09:26 AM
A little amusing example of players outsmarting each other (and outrolling) than outright stupidity.

Four of us are at the governor's mansion, getting the lowdown on some BBEG we have to go squish. The assassin, a newbie, says, "I want to steal something! What's in the room?"
DM: Well, there's a serving cart, some candlesticks, a nice portrait on the wall, several goblets along the-
Asn: I take the portrait.
DM: ...okay, roll your Sleight of hand.
Asn: ::wins a lot::
All: ::fails spot HARD::
Asn: ::sits down calmly, having stuffed the portrait in his BoH::
Warforged psychic warrior: ::makes his Wis check to notice something's missing:: Say, wasn't there a portrait over on that wall?
Asn: ::steals his silverware while we're looking away::
Me: I actually notice this, say nothing, cuz I don't care. I'm jealous of his sneakiness, so I try to steal mine as well.
WPW: ::spots:: Say, don't you want to put that back?
Me: Oh, er, just slipped into my lap.
Asn: ::swipes *my* silverware while the WPW is yelling at me::
Me: GAH! I HAVE to steal something, to prove my worth!
...I then succeed in taking a pie from the serving girl's tray without her noticing. (People failed at Spot that night...)

Much later...
I'm a pixie. I have the WPW hide in my BoH so we can sneak to the sacred whatnot grounds and cause trouble. I end up solving the problem without his help, and we all regroup afterward and rejoice.
While he was floating around in the bag, he notices a pie. Putting two and two together, he figures that I stole that pie the girl was so distressed about. Since it's too late to do anything about it now, he decides to eat the pie. (A warforged eating pie. Just for kicks, I guess.)
So he pops out of my bag, empty pan, covered in pie smear. Thinking quickly, I say, "I can't believe you stole that lady's pie!"
Nat 20 Bluff check. Nobody talked to the Warforged for a while.

Nahal
2007-02-16, 12:34 PM
That's not stupid, that's genius.

Josh Inno
2007-02-16, 12:45 PM
"It's A Bomb In A Bull"

*BOL* Oh man, that is one of the funniest/worst puns I've ever heard of!!! *BOL*

jono
2007-02-16, 12:56 PM
I've got too many to count. The most recent one involved myself. My group has a pechant for anarchy and destruction most nights. It just so happened that I decided to be playing the LE character on the one night the DM decided that concepts of law and order actually exist in this society! Of course it didn't help that the rest of my party shopped me to the epic level paladin for killing the lone survivor of a massacre.

My defence could have been better; "how was I supposed to know he was plot-critical?"

clockwork warrior
2007-02-16, 03:13 PM
...This wasn't common knowledge? They couldn't figure it out with a knowledge check? If it's not something they ought to have known already, the town didn't think to tell them?

Had the players read a primer on the campaign setting, or anything similar, telling them that monstrous humanoids might be found in gainful employment, and then forgotten it?

If not, I don't see how this is really a PC stupidity story...
the players did nothing to learn about the town, they all came in as wonderers, found a bulletin board saying that they need someone to find there steel (or iron or what ever) so they got directions and headed out, thats it

Gamebird
2007-02-16, 03:45 PM
If it was a unique or uncommon situation, their employers should have informed them. If it was common, they should have gotten a roll, especially if any of them had Knowledge: Local.

On the other hand, screwed up stuff occasionally happens. D&D discourages this pretty strongly, because few people appreciate that level of realism.

Josh Inno
2007-02-16, 04:16 PM
Yes, but then it'd be an iron mine, possibly with (as Nahal says) a foundry attached.

However, this is easily explained. Ancient dwarvish settlement. Cave-in. Lots and lots of steel to be plundered mined...

Well PCs "raid" ancient temples often enough. I don't mined if you don't.

CHASE THE HERO
2007-02-16, 04:25 PM
well if you dont "mined" ill be "digging for nuggets between turns".

Jacob_Gallagher
2007-02-16, 04:32 PM
Aaaargh, the horror of bad puns...

Glabaaafoom... Blaaagah... *BOOM/SPLAT*

Gorbash
2007-02-17, 07:40 AM
So, I had this Air Genasi Rogue, who cared much about his looks, always wore nice outfits, combed his hair frequently and that stuff. The party and me are exploring an abandoned house (we're looking for a vampire), and a couple of vargouilles attack us. Me being a rogue, with a lousy fort save, of course get diseased by their bite attack and start turning into one of them! And on the way to the city my hair started to fall off (I totally freaked out at this point), but eventually we got to a temple in time, they cured me, but I was still bald. This was unacceptable, so I hired this alchemist to make me a hair growth potion. After he was done (a day or two), he gives it to me, but first does a little demonstration. He spills a drop on his palm, and a bush of hair sprouts from the spot. My character, of course, being thrilled with the prospect of having his beautiful white hair back, quickly takes it and says: I drink all of it.

Silkenfist
2007-02-17, 07:45 AM
So, I had this Air Genasi Rogue, who cared much about his looks, always wore nice outfits, combed his hair frequently and that stuff. The party and me are exploring an abandoned house (we're looking for a vampire), and a couple of vargouilles attack us. Me being a rogue, with a lousy fort save, of course get diseased by their bite attack and start turning into one of them! And on the way to the city my hair started to fall off (I totally freaked out at this point), but eventually we got to a temple in time, they cured me, but I was still bald. This was unacceptable, so I hired this alchemist to make me a hair growth potion. After he was done (a day or two), he gives it to me, but first does a little demonstration. He spills a drop on his palm, and a bush of hair sprouts from the spot. My character, of course, being thrilled with the prospect of having his beautiful white hair back, quickly takes it and says: I drink all of it.

Ouch... but was it lethal? If you had someone with medical skills on hand immediately, you could have been saved with a tracheotomy. Of course the surgery to get rid of the hair again would be...complicated at least.

Gorbash
2007-02-17, 08:03 AM
Well, DM really didn't have an idea how to handle that situation, and it wasn't plot critical anyway, so we just had a wizard cast dispel on me, and I coughed up a very large furball and had the alchemist make another potion. It was funny as hell to them, not only because of the given situation, but also for the fact that I did not realise what have I done, for a few seconds after I said that. That was 2 years ago, I think, and even today they make fun of me - we're in a middle of a battle, and my character is injured so I have him drink a potion, people ask me: "Do you drink it or spill it on your head?" :D

Dicemaster
2007-02-17, 07:32 PM
This happened yesterday.
We where crossing a desert town, utterly devoid of life, while hunting down a thief. The temple in the town square was walled and the door sealed with Evil Runes (tm).
The Cleric became somehow convinced that the place was plot critical and cast Augury confirm his paranoia.
Guess how he worded it?

"Will opening this door allow us to quickly end our quest?"
At this point the DM was grinning. "Weal."

And you know what? Death ends adventures REALLY fast. We got TPK'ed by the sealed undead hordes.

HealthKit
2007-02-17, 09:52 PM
My character, of course, being thrilled with the prospect of having his beautiful white hair back, quickly takes it and says: I drink all of it.

I think Al Bundy also did this in an episode of Married With Children

shaddy_24
2007-02-17, 10:15 PM
one of the first games i played was on a camping trip. we didn't have dice, books or even character sheets. i think the dm just used a couple cards to decide anything important. he would ask us to chose a number and if we were close it was good.

our lvl 6-10 players were as follows:
an elvan wizard
a halfling thief (me)
a human fighter
a human necromancer (he didn't know any of his own spells)
an elvan ranger (the only one played by a non-noob)

we ended up fighting about 6 owlbears. the wizard was captured by them and brought back to their cave. the rest of us follow and a big fight breaks out. eventually only one bear is left. the wizard is unconcious at the back of the cave and the ranger was the only one not severely injured(he had jumped in after the rest of us were getting pounded on). the necro decides to be the hero and charges it alone to use life tap. none of the other characters were anywhere nearby, so the bear immediatly grabs the necro and bites his head. i run forward and say i want to slice out the back of it's ancle. the dm asks me to call a number and i call the same card he pulls out, so it works. the bear falls and since the necro's head was in it's mouth, decapitates the poor guy.

what's funny was this was our third game and in both others the same player had his character beheaded. and this dm wasn't at either of the other two.

but just imagine the necromancer trying to solo melee a owlbear.

btw, life tap and animate dead were the only necro spells he could think of.

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-18, 03:19 AM
This happened yesterday.
We where crossing a desert town, utterly devoid of life, while hunting down a thief. The temple in the town square was walled and the door sealed with Evil Runes (tm).
The Cleric became somehow convinced that the place was plot critical and cast Augury confirm his paranoia.
Guess how he worded it?

"Will opening this door allow us to quickly end our quest?"
At this point the DM was grinning. "Weal."

And you know what? Death ends adventures REALLY fast. We got TPK'ed by the sealed undead hordes.
Now that's just spiteful and cruel.

J_Muller
2007-02-18, 01:11 PM
No, that's just poor phrasing of the question on the part of the cleric. In a world where magic can do pretty much anything, the players had better be precise.

HealthKit
2007-02-18, 05:19 PM
what they didn't bother to learn was that the goblins run the mine for the town, in exchange for protection and supplies.


Oh please, you left that out on purpose. Heck, you wanted them to attack the goblins and led them to do so. What, you wanted them to feel stupid so that you can feel smart? :smallannoyed:

Mewtarthio
2007-02-18, 07:20 PM
No, that's just poor phrasing of the question on the part of the cleric. In a world where magic can do pretty much anything, the players had better be precise.

Except "Weal/Woe" is not "Yes/No." It's "Good Idea/Bad Idea." If you're trying to steal a diamond, but in actuality moving said diamond will unleash the forces of darkness to overrun the earth (unbeknownst to you), then casting "Agury" regarding anything that could lead to you stealing the diamond will yeild "Woe." The same thing happens if, no matter what, stealing the diamond will get you promptly arrested and executed: Sure, bribing that guard might help you get the diamond, but it has some really nasty short-term consequences as well (note that if the Bad Stuff doesn't happen except in the long run, Agury won't detect it: It'll only register "Woe" if you'll be arrested inevitably within a few weeks).

Matthew
2007-02-18, 08:00 PM
I don't get your point. The Cleric's question was pretty straight forward.

Mewtarthio
2007-02-18, 08:06 PM
I don't get your point. The Cleric's question was pretty straight forward.



An augury can tell you whether a particular action will bring good or bad results for you in the immediate future.
[...]

Weal (if the action will probably bring good results).
Woe (for bad results).
Weal and woe (for both).
Nothing (for actions that don’t have especially good or bad results).

I'd call "getting killed by the undead" a "bad result." Nothing about asking a single yes/no question: You ask about a single event, get "Weal" if it's a good idea (for the next half hour), "Woe" if it's a bad idea, "Weal & Woe" if you stand to gain some and lose some, "Nothing" if nothing especially important will happen in the immediate future.

Collin152
2007-02-18, 08:11 PM
Naw, see, the quest wasn't ended- They were.

Matthew
2007-02-18, 08:15 PM
*Laughs* I see. That's what I get for not reading closely enough - I hadn't realised he actually meant "weal", I thought it was a kind of emphasis [i.e. "Weeel... yes your adventure will end quickly"]

marjan
2007-02-19, 12:51 PM
This one happened in GURPS, and qualifies as GM story. We were sent from one village to another to negotiate about alliance beetween them. We went to see the main guy of the village and it goes like this:

MG:"You dare to show up here?!"
We:"Why? Is there a problem?"
MG:"Last time my daughter was in your village she was r**** and now she is pregnant."
We(knowing nothing of this event):"Well, when did that happen?"
MG:"Two years ago."
We:"And she is still pregnant?"

Collin152
2007-02-19, 03:25 PM
That... uhmm... does not make much sence to me. Err... Is that Player Stupidity?

aberratio ictus
2007-02-19, 03:34 PM
This is from one game of hackmaster we played last year. The first part happened during the drive to the house of the GM's girlfriend, where we planned to play later on; the second part took place later on inplay. The first may not really be a case of Player Stupidity, but the second one surely is.

Me: Hey Ben, what's up tonight?
GM: You're going to go on a long and dangerous quest for your god.
Me: Ok.
GM: You'll fight vile creatures far above your capability.
Me: Ok.
GM: You'll probably die.
Me: All right.
GM: And you'll need some comrades.
Me: I knew there was a hitch...



The group consisted of a human paladin (me), a chaotic neutral drow, a half-orc barbarian and two pixie fairies (played by the GM's girlfriend and her friend).
I had to gather this party because of a prophecy the god Tyr had showed to me; he wanted me to free some little country from a lawful (?) evil sovereign.

Ok. We are in the inn of a smaller border town talking about our next steps when some town guards arrive.
Our drow, who had painted his face white in order to look like a normal elf, had tried to steal some goods from a rich merchant last night and had been seen by him; now the guards came to look for the criminal.

They walk over to the table the Half-Orc and me are sitting at and start talking to me.

Guards: Master Paladin, did you see some elf around here lately? He broke in *insert merchant's name here*'s house last night and fled afterwards.

The problem is, my character has 'truthful' as a character flaw, and hey - he's a paladin. So just in the moment I open my mouth to speak, the drow, who was hiding in a dark corner of the inn, cuts in.

Drow: He forgets about me. (He had some magical abilities)
DM: Ok. *looks over to me*
Me: No, I didn't. It's just me, the half-orc and the two pixie fairies over there.
Guards: You? *look over to the half-orc*
Half-Orc: Nah. *shakes his head*
Guards: All right, thank you for your time. *they bow and prepare to leave, when suddenly one of them is sucessful with his spot check*
Guard 1: Hey, Look over there, there he is!

The guards run over and overwhelm the drow easily. Then they walk out of the inn and take him to prison.

Me: Ok, the next day we get up early and continue the journey.
*The drow's player's face starts to get long*

DM: *raises an eyebrow* Don't you, like, want to help him somehow?
Me: Why should I? He quite likely committed a crime and I do not know him.
DM: *slowly starts getting upset* You do not care very much about the prophecy, do you?
Me: The prophecy only says something about a drow. The guards just arrested an elf. It looks like the drow has yet to show up, I think...

*The drow's player's face gets even longer*

DM: *sighs defeated, looks over to the drow's player* It looks like he can really go on until your spell wears off...
Half-orc: *grins from ear to ear, to me* Give me five!


Well, the drow was rescued by the pixies one day before his execution (He shot some of the merchant's guards on the run), and I had to flagellate myself when my memory came back and I realized that I had lied to the guards, but... it sure was worth it :D


There are some more Player Stupidity Stories from this session, but that's enough for now, I think. Maybe later ;)

kamikasei
2007-02-19, 04:19 PM
That... uhmm... does not make much sence to me. Err... Is that Player Stupidity?

It's GM stupidity. He flubbed the dates.

Krimm_Blackleaf
2007-02-19, 04:23 PM
I've got too many to count. The most recent one involved myself. My group has a pechant for anarchy and destruction most nights. It just so happened that I decided to be playing the LE character on the one night the DM decided that concepts of law and order actually exist in this society! Of course it didn't help that the rest of my party shopped me to the epic level paladin for killing the lone survivor of a massacre.

My defence could have been better; "how was I supposed to know he was plot-critical?"
I've been there, man.

In a campaign run by my friend, I was an aasimar warmage on the path to become an elemental savant with a focus on fire adventuring with a human druid and a human shugenja. We were going to the next town on a path through the woods and we were attacked by what appeared to be a bunch of hobgoblins and an azer, in the battle we did our fair share of damage to the hobgoblins but the azer stayed back. I was confused, and the second the azer did anything I started shooting ice knives at it. What was the azer doing? Killing the enemy hobgoblins with us. Did I realise this was NOT a hostile action against us? No. The azer was dead before anyone of us knew it and the DM told us after we'd squered it, and after a good deal of head-shaking that things are going to be very interesting from here on out...He was on our side and VERY plot important.

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-19, 06:49 PM
No, that's just poor phrasing of the question on the part of the cleric. In a world where magic can do pretty much anything, the players had better be precise.
No, that's pure DM ass-hattery. There's a difference between protecting your players too much and making an all-but-inevitable TPK based off what he gives you for a spell's reading.

Mooseman
2007-02-19, 08:40 PM
My group of players, on a recent dungeon crawl, found themselves in a room full of barrels. Being smart little PCs, they correctly assumed they were wine barrels, and being even smarter, decided to first check them for traps. (Well, one of them was smart. The other three proceeded to crack open the casks and dunk their heads in sloshing wine all over the floor and getting themselves thoroughly intoxicated) She found that one of the barrels had a strange smelling black powder residue all around it. She told the three drunkards about it, and they told her to get away from it, because even in their inebriety, they knew black pwder in a barrel was a no-no. So what does smartsy Ms. Rogue do, against all applicable logic? She takes down a bung and a hammer from the wall, and proceeds to tap the powder keg. It exploded, all the players were thrown against the wall, and the wine on the floor caught on fire. They only managed to survive by a series of extremely lucky rolls and teamwork... The other players literally beat up the rogue for about a half an hour before we could continue. It was hilarious.

J_Muller
2007-02-19, 09:14 PM
Oh come on, black powder isn't that volatile.

Stormcrow
2007-02-19, 09:17 PM
Last i checked, wine isnt flamable. Im not even sure Fortified wines burn.

SpiderBrigade
2007-02-19, 10:11 PM
Yeah, that gunpowder/wine story falls in the category of "the pcs did something, and I decided to ad-hoc rule that it killed them, aren't they stupid?"

Gunpowder requires a spark to go off. Hitting it really hard just won't do it. Knocking a hole in a barrel certainly wouldn't do the trick.

And, as stormcrow said, wine is NOT flammable. You have to get into the very high proofs before alcohol will burn.

Zincorium
2007-02-19, 10:23 PM
Just to add another vote to the 'wouldn't have happened' bunch, there's a reason that they have to include primers in all modern firearm rounds. Percussion caps are pretty much the same thing, just less advanced, and all firearms before that literally set the powder on fire (wheellock, matchlock, etc.). You can pound black powder with a hammer all day long if you don't catch a spark, and even then it won't explode so much as burn prettily unless enclosed.

The Great Skenardo
2007-02-19, 10:26 PM
In a world of magic, it is not impossible for magic to be included in traps such as wine barrels. For example, the rather specific action of tapping a barrel could be fairly easily linked to some small device or cantrip causing a spark.

I agree with the consensus on the inflammability of wine, unless it were magically-treated.

Ar-Sakal
2007-02-19, 11:30 PM
This is some of the best moments from my rp group:

Moment #1: Two members of the party go into a tavern and the rogue is discovered cheating in a game... the rogue tries diplomacy to settle the argument with a bunch of drunk soldiers

Me(as DM): OK, silly rogue, you failed your diplomacy check and the mean drunks in the tavern have decided to kick your behind
Sorcerer (newbie who begged to have his char the same level as everybody else.. that is lvl 5): Oh no, they don't know who they are messing with!!!
Me:OK, now roll initiatives ...
Rogue: Oh I got a total of 19
Sorcerer: I got a 17
Me: The drunks get like a 7, a 10, a 8, a 5 and a 3
Rogue: Perfect, I use my ring of Expeditious Retreat to get out of the tavern ASAP
Me: OK, you get out of here are gone... newbie, I recommend you do the same
Sorcerer: My turn!!! I cast Fireball into the ceiling of the building.!!!!
Me: What????
Sorcerer: Yes, I cast Fireball into the ceiling of the entire building so it falls under the thugs *rolls d6s and gets 5s and 6s* Yey!!! The ceiling should be in fire
Me: Since its old wood, the Fireball hits the ceiling and it starts to burn *rolls d20 and gets a 20* and it also makes structural damage to the entire ceiling, collapsing it.... BTW, did I mention there was an attic full of crates and barrels with alcohol too????
Rogue: My char goes back and roasts some marshmallows over the bonfire
(DM lesson #1: NEVER LET A NEWBIE WHO IS GETTING A CHAR ABOVE LVL 1 BE A SPELLCASTER)

Moment #2
Partey is now lvl 10... and for some foolish reason they decide to confront directly the evil liche despite getting succesful Gather Information, Knowlegde Arcana, Spellcraft and whatever rolls indicating that the Phylactary is hidden in a certain remote are

Same Rogue as before:OK, so I check for traps... *rolls*
Me:Standing in the ancient and evil tomb, you realize that there is no discernable mechanism which your ability can detect
Rogue: Well, I pick the lock... *rolls*
Me: Success... as you open the door, you realize the mechanism in the door lights some strange globes with a pale blue light... You see a walking and thin corpse dressed in what looks to be fine wizardly robes looking with his undead, red eyes of hatred straight at you
Me*as Liche*: Welcome fools, I've been expecting you... care to grovel for your life before I take it
Rogue (player who is usually silly and cracks jokes when he should not.. and that evening had cracked far too many for the DM's taste): Dude... I thought liches were like evil wizards, not a zombie who clearly died of hunger... man, you better get us more challenging foes!!!
*Rest of party laughs*
Me: OK, since you didn't say you were OOC, the liche hears you out talking out loud like that and the rest of the party laughing.. and this guy lost his sense of humor some 300 years ago. Since he is a necromancer, he decides to show you how challenging a lvl 25 epic undead wizard is and cast Wail of the Banshee.. now roll your saving throws!!!!
*everybody dies except the Rogue*
Rogue: Ha... so I lived... big deal with the scary spell... I run to the exit
Me: The liche starts to laugh as he waves his hand closing the door to the tomb.. as soon as the tomb is closed, the pale lights go out and since no one lighted a torch, you are left in complete darkness... You only see the two evil, red eyes looking straight at you and hear... "You have no idea how much fun we are going to have with your pain for the next century... muahahahaha"

shaddy_24
2007-02-19, 11:36 PM
the lich thing? that's just mean. level 10 chars against a level 25 lich? ow ow ow owowowowow! (pretty funny though)

Stormcrow
2007-02-19, 11:46 PM
"When i said they were WINE casks what i really meant was they were BRANDY casks.. which are what my Family calls Wine... Brandy"

SpiderBrigade
2007-02-19, 11:48 PM
No, but you see, it was their fault, because obviously they were supposed to go and take care of his phylactery.

Which, somehow, a 25th-level epic undead wizard would not have been able to protect against 10th-level characters...?

Quietus
2007-02-19, 11:55 PM
Meh. I wouldn't be surprised if one of my DMs sent a group of level 10's against a level 25 lich. I've seen him send level 10 troll/fighters against a level 5 party, and a level 70 cycloptic lich against a level 20-22 party. Or rather, send the party against the lich. Very fine difference.

Another group is 20-22 and going to fight Tiamat, though we brought that on ourselves.

The difference is in how good your DM is. Being a jerk about something like that is just ridiculous. Gotta be reasonable if you're going to send something stupid-powerful at the party.

Dervag
2007-02-20, 01:00 AM
Gunpowder requires a spark to go off. Hitting it really hard just won't do it. Knocking a hole in a barrel certainly wouldn't do the trick.Although gunpowder can be sparked and set off by friction. That's why sailors on warships in the blackpowder era usually went barefoot during a battle. With all that powder being carried around, there would be loose grains, and even the friction between your shoes and a wooden surface can set the grains off.


And, as stormcrow said, wine is NOT flammable. You have to get into the very high proofs before alcohol will burn.Absolutely true. Note that for every fire-swallower or food-on-fire trick that relies on flammable alcohol, you have to use brandy or vodka or something like that. Distilled liquors may catch fire; wine is overwhelmingly water by volume and cannot.


You can pound black powder with a hammer all day long if you don't catch a spark, and even then it won't explode so much as burn prettily unless enclosed.It will, however, catch fire fairly dramatically if you do manage to spark it, and it is very easy to spark the stuff. That's why powder mills tended to have very stringent safety standards.

if you send something stupid-powerful at the party, you need to give them a way to defeat it that does not involve trying to match their weakness against its strength. A 10th-level party won't stand a chance of saving against the 25th-level lich's spells; there's no way around it. So if they don't have some other form of protection they shouldn't have bothered.

However, it is certainly true that if a 10th-level party decides that they'd rather attack the lich in his chambers than the phylactery in its, then they're being really stupid.

HealthKit
2007-02-20, 01:04 AM
So out of idle curiosity I did the math through the Encounter Calculator (http://www.d20srd.org/encounterCalculator.htm)

A Lich's CR is what, one or two points above its class level?

Doesn't really matter because the highest the Calculator can go is 20. Up against 6 level 10 characters the calculator deems the difficulty as "Unbeatable" :smallbiggrin:

Wehrkind
2007-02-20, 01:58 AM
That isn't why sailors went barefoot. I don't know why they did, but that is so minor a reason as to be untenable. Black powder just goes "poof" when lit without being contained. Individual grains only leave a little white and black soot as they flash. Gun powder is only dangerous when it is contained in something, and the gasses can get compressed to tremendous pressure before popping to equalize, or if there is such a massive amount in one place the "poof" is large enough to burn you.

Seriously, buy some at the store, pour some into a spoon, and light it with a match taped to a ruler. Wear safety glasses, but otherwise it is no danger.

Zincorium
2007-02-20, 02:14 AM
That isn't why sailors went barefoot. I don't know why they did, but that is so minor a reason as to be untenable. Black powder just goes "poof" when lit without being contained. Individual grains only leave a little white and black soot as they flash. Gun powder is only dangerous when it is contained in something, and the gasses can get compressed to tremendous pressure before popping to equalize, or if there is such a massive amount in one place the "poof" is large enough to burn you.

Seriously, buy some at the store, pour some into a spoon, and light it with a match taped to a ruler. Wear safety glasses, but otherwise it is no danger.

US Navy, and we do have to learn a bit of history. There were two general reasons sailors in the olden days went without shoes: For better grip when the deck is wet (and it usually is, for whatever reason) and because they didn't earn enough money to buy shoes. With the way shoes and boots were constructed back then it wouldn't have caused much friction, and unless actively being fired upon, people would have been much to careful with the dangerous (even if it doesn't explode, anything burning on a wooden ship is bad) and above all expensive gunpowder to just drop a bunch on the floor, and anyone who did would probably catch a whipping afterwards.

Rabiesbunny
2007-02-25, 02:37 PM
Wow, so last night was GOLD.

The youngest member of our group, a 14 year old, recently bought our shop's copy of Spell Compendium. I borrowed it from him, and in it, found a spell called "Miasma of Entropy". Perfect spell for a Talontar druid, so I wrote it in my notes.

Cue yesterday's session. We stopped in a patch of forest north-east of the Citadel of the Raven, and my druid hopped off the wagon and told the Banite Skymage leader she would be right back. The 14 year old's monk asked the leader if he should follow my druid, and she said yes. Since his hide and move silently were so huge, my druid never noticed him.

So somewhere along the way, she tosses her huge pile of cloaks and clothing into a patch where there's no snow, so she's just in a pair of leggings and a shirt, and she continues on. About fifty more feet out, and she casts the spell.

What miasma of entropy does is it causes any material within thirty feet that is nonmagical, and once alive or now alive, to decay. Leather, wood, and yes, even cotton. My character was expecting this in her little ritual; the monk was not.

My druid turns around, eyes wide as she realizes there's a naked monk right next to her.

Druid: ...why did you follow me?

At this point, the Banite Knight and Fighter had heard the sound of falling trees as the spell caused them to decay, so they came to investigate. When they find my druid, she's freezing but smiling widely.

Druid: Hello Mival, Curos! Did you see that?!

They're far too flabbergasted by the sight to respond. She approaches them and her clothing, and begins to get dressed. When the fighter sees the naked monk, he slaps his hands over his eyes (He's a womanizer, but his homophobia trumps the want to see my druid naked.) The monk books with full monk speed back to the caravan, flipping and a flopping.

Knight: ...why...were you both naked?
Druid: He followed me, I didn't ASK him to be! Look what I did!

After her gloating, the two confused men walk my druid back to the caravan. The Loviatan swashbuckler in out group has her crossbow drawn, looking very, very confused. The Knight asks her if she's seen the monk, and she points to the covered wagon we're travelling in. He knocks on the door; the monk opens it, and the Knight shoves him back in, and closes the door behind him.

Knight: What were you doing naked out there with her?
Monk: My clothes melted! *Completely confused*
Knight: ...right. *Slams a gauntlet against his chest* You're lucky I don't beat you into a bloody pulp. I don't want to see your pale ass again.
Monk: ...the commander told me to follow her! *Flustered*

:biggrin:

So due to the monk's curiosity, he has now become the laughingstock of our party.

Yahzi
2007-02-25, 03:08 PM
Steel was produced from iron. I believe steel is iron, except that more carbon was added to the metal, while impurities were removed.
Actually, it's iron with less carbon.

4-8% carbon makes cast iron.

1-2% makes steel.

0% makes pure iron, which is utterly useless to anybody for anything.

Isn't that weird?

brian c
2007-02-25, 03:43 PM
Monks are interesting characters.

For example, the group was wandering in the wilderness heading vaguely-north towards some ominous mountains, which, it's well-known are lousy with giants and monsters.
The PCs camp and set watch, and during the middle of the night, a duo of trolls wander into the permimeter of camp. The Keen-eyed monk spots them and leaps up (ok)
He gives a loud shout to awaken his teammates (ok)
He then proceeds to charge the trolls (uh...)
And critically misses on his attack (er...)
his normal AC is 16 (erm...)
After charging, makes it 14 (Uh-oh)
Two full attacks and a rend later, and the monk was resting in pieces.
His teammates mopped up the trolls fairly easily.

What kind of monk only has 16 AC? what level were they?

NecroPaladin
2007-02-25, 03:44 PM
Knight: ...why...were you both naked?
Druid: He followed me, I didn't ASK him to be! Look what I did!


Dude...even out of context this is awesome. So going in my sig.

Dervag
2007-02-25, 03:54 PM
people would have been much to careful with the dangerous (even if it doesn't explode, anything burning on a wooden ship is bad) and above all expensive gunpowder to just drop a bunch on the floor, and anyone who did would probably catch a whipping afterwards.You'd still get spilled grains. Nobody would spill an ounce of gunpowder, but it's almost impossible to transfer any powdery substance from one place to another without spilling any of it.

I'm wrong about the footwear issue, or at least mostly wrong. However, gunpowder can still be sparked by a modest amount of friction. And because it does burn rather violently, it can start a fire. Of course, it can't cause the kind of explosion referenced in the original article, but it is still dangerous, as Zincorium correctly observes.

As for the whole 'naked monk' thing... hilarious.

Tobrian
2007-02-25, 10:15 PM
Naked monk... well we had one in my group, too.

The group (human paladin, fighter, bard, gnome monk, gnome sorcerer) had heard a local folktale about a nearby "wandering hill" and a house of a wizard artisan cursed by the queen of the fairies... long story short, they decided to detour a bit into the woods and investigate. They come upon the house half-stuck in a small hill, in the middle of a swamp/shallow lake, and head straight for it. Folktales, eh?

When the get too close, there's a sound of shattering trees and something emerges from the woods... a giant pale slimy slug from fairyland that spits paralysing gobs of glue. (I had modified an old monster from 2nd Ed Dragonlance AD&D) The paladin not waiting for the others bravely charges with his lance... and gets hit frontally by a spitball and glued to his horse... which is lucky for him because he also fails his FORT save. So now he's paralysed, but can still command his warhorse to run at the slug to pierce it with his lance. (I roll a die to see how many rounds the glue lasts before it starts to crumble on air, and get a 1.) The lance hits, the horse gallops past the slug... unfortunately the lance gets stuck in the slug and the impact lifts the paladin backwards out of the saddle. Ouch. The singing bard scarpers into the swamp and towards the hill as the slug decides who to eat first. The thing is the size of a subway train. The fighter decides to heroically jump in front of the approaching slug while the warhorse tries to pull the paladin to safety with its teeth, and he hits the slug with his sword... only to discover that the slime on the slug's back is an adhesive, similar to Kuo-Toa slime. And he fails his STR check. The sword is stuck. The slug turns, bites him, and when it doesnt like the taste of chain shirt it slams him down and simply steamrollers over him (I was feeling merciful, but he still got trample damage). After the slug has crawled over him in pursuit of the screaming minstrel, the fighter is left lying flat on his back on the forest floor, covered in slime and feeling slightly flatter.

Meanwhile the sorc has climbed into a tree and is pelting the slug with magic missiles after he realized a fireball might set the forest on fire (it's summer).

The tiny gnome monk has decided to wade into the swampy lake to try and circle around the slug... but now he and the bard discover that the fairy queen left another surprise and they've been wading around in it... swarms of hungry leeches. (I love swarms.) Both characters run to the hill and start to pull off their clothes in an attempt to get rid of the leeches. The monk, who is wearing only a loincloth and a simple kneelength tunic, has just finished stripping completely naked when the slug is is aiming for them. So he grabs his two curved knives, makes a jump action... and takes a long jump on top of the slug and starts cutting into its squishy flesh with his knives.

The fighter gets back to his feet woozily and sees... a naked gnome covered in blood and gore, standing astride the giant slug and butchering it (he cut off the head with a lucky critical). And the bard, similarly naked, clinging to the hillock, white with terror.

For the rest of the day, the fighter was muttering under his breath about "naked screaming nudist midgets with knives". And for weeks the others kept teasing the monk everytime he attacked something, "Hey monk! Want to first drop your britches?"

The players really remember the day the heroes nearly got eaten by a slug.

Rabiesbunny
2007-02-25, 10:38 PM
Eew! x_X The last thing I want to picture is a naked gnome!

Tobrian
2007-02-25, 11:15 PM
(snip) but eventually we got to a temple in time, they cured me, but I was still bald. This was unacceptable, so I hired this alchemist to make me a hair growth potion. After he was done (a day or two), he gives it to me, but first does a little demonstration. He spills a drop on his palm, and a bush of hair sprouts from the spot. My character, of course, being thrilled with the prospect of having his beautiful white hair back, quickly takes it and says: I drink all of it.

Can't... stop... laughing... :smallbiggrin:
Did you look like a quaggoth afterwards?

That reminds me of a time, way back in AD&D 2nd ed, when I asked our GM if my rogue/transmuter would be allowed to learn some additional cantrips from a the Complete Spell Compendium. One of the cantrips was called "Hairy". It made hair grow... even on things like peaches.

There was a long silence. THen the GM said, "Thanks. I didn't need this mental image of your character turning peaches into tribbles."

Edit:

Ouch... but was it lethal? If you had someone with medical skills on hand immediately, you could have been saved with a tracheotomy. Of course the surgery to get rid of the hair again would be...complicated at least.

Oh. Ooohhh. :smalleek: I guess I had the wrong idea. THat's definitely worse.

Collin152
2007-02-25, 11:29 PM
Umm... Why did the Druid randomly cast a spell that destroyed the nearby trees? imean, Druids doing rituals that make them naked I can see, sure, but hurting trees? Unspeakable!


And yet... I want to play a druid now. And buy the spell compendium. >:D

Rabiesbunny
2007-02-25, 11:32 PM
Umm... Why did the Druid randomly cast a spell that destroyed the nearby trees? imean, Druids doing rituals that make them naked I can see, sure, but hurting trees? Unspeakable!


And yet... I want to play a druid now. And buy the spell compendium. >:D

The beauty of Talontar! Talona is a nature goddess of disease and poison; her druids aren't so much about preserving nature, as they are learning to use poison, killing things, and causing massive plagues. My druid was wanting to test this out badly, and was SO excited when it worked!

:D!

It's so fuuuuuuuuuuun!

Collin152
2007-02-25, 11:40 PM
o_O

.........
Muuuust.....
Plaaaay....
Druid...of... Talona!

Rabiesbunny
2007-02-25, 11:43 PM
*Bursts into a fit of evil giggling*

Yes, yes! Join the ranks! Being an evil druid is so fun; Unapproachable East, they have their own PrC where you're permitted to violate druidic oath, so you can wear full plate, have a shield, use non-druidic weapons, advance almost fully in spells, AND gain an army of blightspawned creatures.

It's a power trip. I wish I could list all the hilarious moments stemming from her poisoning her Banite teammates, but they're too numerous. x)

Aimbot
2007-02-26, 12:31 AM
(Originally in foot in mouth thread, realised this is less about wording than about dumb people in general)

Okay, I'm starting this thread because I have some BRILLIANT D and D stupidity stories to share, and I want to hear yours. Partially for fun, partially to make myself feel smart. And these aren't stupid character quotes unless they're really, really good. I don't want things that defy language; I want things that defy all basic common sense.

That said, here is my story (sadly, I am the perpetrator of this incident).

I tend to be a very smart and tactical D and D player, and only very rarely do I make mistakes. That said, though, occasionally I don't pay enough attention, and this COLLOSSAL show of idiocy during a low-level campaign keeps my friends wary of me to date:

My Scout: Do I see anything? I roll a Spot check. *rolls*
DM: You see a faint shimmering in the dark passage.
PC Barbarian: I head toward it.
DM: The shimmering is really a system of webs all along the passage! Make an Escape Artist check to avoid being entangled and unable to move!
PC Barbarian: *rolls* Crap.
PC Ninja: I head to his aid!
DM: Roll a Spot check as you run.
PC Ninja: *rolls* Wait, what?
DM: You see a family of giant spiders, climbing down the intricate webs to your struggling companion! To make it to him, roll an Escape Artist check.
PC Barbarian: You're a ninja, man. You screw this up and I'll smish you.
PC Ninja: *rolls* ONE! Crap!
PC Barbarian: If I could move now I WOULD smish you.
My Scout: Dude! The Spiders! Spiders!
NPC Spider1: Hssss! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 3+1 damage! Ow!
NPC Spider2: Shraaaaa! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 4+1 damage! Oooh!
NPC Spider3: Scree! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 1+1 damage! Gwah!
My Scout (looking above Barbarian): Oh man oh man oh man oh-
Large-size Spider: HREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! *rolls*
PC Barbarian: 7+4 damage!
OW! You didn't say that one was BIG!
DM: Blame that on the ninja not asking me.
PC Ninja: Oh, come on-
My Scout (grinning): Wait! Don't worry guys! I just had a great idea! I can get 'em by setting fire to the web! *readies torch*
PC Barbarian: Wait...won't...not...um...! GAH!
PC Ninja: NOOO! NO NO NO WE CAN'T MOVE YOU IDIOT SUNUVABI-
My Scout: What? What??? *has already lowered torch*
DM: Oh...dear.
FHLAAAAAWSHWOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Three Smaller Spiders: Skraaah! 5 damage! Schreeekle! 4 damage! *drops* *drops* *drops*
Big Spider: MRIEEE 5 damage! EEEEE 6 damage! EEEEEE 5 damage! EEEEEEEEE 2 damage! EEEEE *falls from cieling* EERRRRG! 6 falling damage! *drops*
PC Barbarian: Ow. 6 damage! Ow. 3 damage! I'd better- 4 damage! die- 2 damage! soon- *drops, skin literally torched black*
My Scout (at a loss for words): eep.
PC Ninja: You god damn- 5 damage! Scout I- 1 damage! hate you so- 1 damage! f***ing- 3 damage! *crumples, smoldering, to his knees at -1 hp*
PC Ninja (lapsing into unconciousness): .....mmmuhhhhh....... *eyes loll back into head*
PC Ninja: ......shhhoooooowwww.......fuschhhinggggg........
PC Ninja (weakly raises finger):...........MUCH! *drops*



*Silence*



DM (Clapping Sarcastically): Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice. You gonna loot your friends or just leave them there?
My Scout (Mouth wide open): ....guuuuhhhh....uhhhh.... *twitches*
My Scout: ........
My Scout: ...um...
My Scout: .....
My Scout: .....heh...huhm......oopsie?....
My Scout: .............................
My Scout: ...um...hehehe-about th-th-that-um-s-sorry!...
My Scout: .................................................. ...
My Scout: ...... *checks ninja's pockets*

It's not your fault they chose to spend their actions cursing you rather than performing the 'ol stop, drop and roll.
I already posted my dumbest moment:


I'm currently running a hairless Dwarven Defender (long story) named Jormund at level eight in a low magic campaign. He's Lawful Good, but I play him as more a Roy LG than a Miko LG. The party is mostly evil with a neutral or two. Early in the campaign we entered an inn in a wood and were beseeched to find the innkeeper’s kidnapped daughter. She was kidnapped by a group of large hominids (bugbears, we'd later discover) about two weeks beforehand. They left a letter in the field she was captured in saying that 1000 gold needed to be delivered to a specific spot under some rock in the badlands. The party spent 20 or 30 minutes debating what priority the trip was and whether we were prepared enough when my character piped in:

(We've haven't played a session in a few weeks and I can't recall the names of the other pcs, so it's just going to be classes, unfortunately.)

Jormund: 50 gold says she's dead.
Gladiator: Why do you say that? It's a ransom.
Jormund: A two week old ransom. One that orders cash to be planted before the girl is delivered.
Gladiator: Well, yeah, but that's awfully shaky grounds to make a bet on.
Jormund: Large demi-humans. A Poorly written ransom note.
Rouge/Monk: If you're implying that they're not bright, that seems more the reason they'd think they'd need to keep the girl alive.
Jormund: I'm implying that they're simple. These things have two options: carry, feed and shelter the pretty, tasty little elf girl or rape and or devour her and still collect a sizable ransom.
Rouge/Monk: Well, that makes sense, but do you really think they'd realize-
Jormund: Stupid and cunning are two different things entirely. They even called the place they kidnapped her, by all accounts a nondescript flowered clearing, "the killing place," for crying out loud.
Innkeeper: Oh god, you think my Elaine is dead?!

Caught me completely off guard. "Wait! We're still in the inn?"

Everyone nods.

"I thought we were out by the wagon checking suplies?"

Everyone shakes their heads.

"So I tried to start a dead pool for a man's daughter in front of him?"

Everyone nods.

Jormund: Err... No. I'm sure she's alright... Heh.

Artanis
2007-02-26, 01:42 AM
I had a not-too-bright moment just last night.

I had gone to my parents' for my dad's birthday dinner, and so was playing that week's session on their computer (the campaign was over OpenRPG). It wasn't until the session was starting, however, that I realized I had forgotten to update the copy of my character sheet on my USB thumb drive. So I wound up having to play the session using character stats that were last updated sometime in December.

It was the first time the entire campaign that I was praying not to get into combat.

Attilargh
2007-02-26, 10:13 AM
he hits the slug with his sword... only to discover that the slime on the slug's back is an adhesive, similar to Kuo-Toa slime.

The monk, who is wearing only a loincloth and a simple kneelength tunic, has just finished stripping completely naked when the slug is is aiming for them. So he grabs his two curved knives, makes a jump action... and takes a long jump on top of the slug and starts cutting into its squishy flesh with his knives.
Did his, er, valuables stick on the slug or..? :eek:

Nahal
2007-02-26, 11:04 AM
Meh. I wouldn't be surprised if one of my DMs sent a group of level 10's against a level 25 lich. I've seen him send level 10 troll/fighters against a level 5 party, and a level 70 cycloptic lich against a level 20-22 party. Or rather, send the party against the lich. Very fine difference.

Another group is 20-22 and going to fight Tiamat, though we brought that on ourselves.

The difference is in how good your DM is. Being a jerk about something like that is just ridiculous. Gotta be reasonable if you're going to send something stupid-powerful at the party.

Epic-level opponents are how my GM keeps us honest. It's a guarantee that the mastermind enemy we are facing is mind-bogglingly beyond our abilities (or will be the minute we start acting stupid. He doesn't like his (usually very cool and intricate) plots being messed with but has a brain, so we have 3 ways out of a given sticky situation and a number of possible end results. However, acting like jackasses is a great way to get an entire military installation on our butts.

Voleta
2007-02-26, 01:04 PM
I'll join the crowd and post a couple stupid/amusing things that have been done in my gamin groups.

First one, bout a year ago, I'm dming for a group of teenage boys. Yes, a 19 year old girl, dm'ing for a group of socially inept boys who all know that she will soon be single. The entire time was pretty much them trying to one up eachother to impress me, and see who could touch my boobs. Anyway, they were all like, level 6 or thereabouts. They were traveling along a lake with my horrible horrible DMPC that was a half-fey grippli (first time in charge, sue me).

So they're going along this lake, and this non-agressive shambling mound, er shambles acrosst he road to reach the lake. The group does various things, like peeking under its leaves, staying the heck away from it, petting it (and it reaches up one vine and pets his face back, kinda like the thing from Abyss) and one guy.. pees on it. Yes, he whips out his boybits, and urinates on the huge, moving bush. Knowing that it had just used a vine to interact with another player. The shambling mound did not take kindly to this, and wrapped a vine around his.. urinating device, and tore it off. The group proceeds to freak out, and the penisless idiot dives into the bush to retrieve his missing parts. There was a fireball flung, and I felt like I'd been mean and cruel enough (and they were really all about to die. The mound was supposed to be an interesting creature to pass by on the road, not an encounter. I should have known better). So, I had my dmpc kill the mound with a touch (yes yes bad), and three failed heal checks (rolled a 1, 1, and a 1), the penis was sown back on. Upside down, without any form of pain killers. She's a fricking grippli, she doesn't know how human parts work! The game died a few sessions later...after they met a trio of young copper dragons that liked to polymorph into children. Yeaaa that didn't go so well either.


Yesterday, i was playing a CN gnome bard (distilled me with exaggerated amounts of "vocal creativity") in a group with some friends. The rest of the group is made up of an elven cleric (whoms player is in a relationship with the DM, and used to be in one with me) as well as a dwarf fighter (husband of the cleric's player) , a rogue, a wizard, and ranger (married to the wizard's player). All of them are good alignments. Yes, dynamcis are confusing. Just keep in mind the classes, the alignments, and that there are enough convoluted relationships going on that makes the following turn into something hilariosly awkward.

We leave come across a carnivous rhino and kill it. While they are dismantaling a corpse, I meet a raven who can talk. He tells me, repeatedly and very very annoyingly, that his owner needs help. I manage to get the group going, and we try to save him (I think that most of this part is elaborated in another post somewhere, so I will be very breif). We rescue him from the orcs, and the big bad orc cleric is sedated and held prisoner (mainly due to my actions). In this world, there are very very few gnomes, so naturally a lowly gnome wizard falls in love with the dashing, 18cha gnomette that just singlehandedly(according to her) rescued him. And being CN, she wants to know if he's rich, etc, and takes it as a chance to breed, as she might not see another male gnome while in her prime. Anyway, everyone is cringing as the DM and I flirt as our characters, and eventually we make camp. There is no gnome mating, as its 'been a long day', but my character does steal her potential lover's cloak cause.. well cause she can. We make it to town, and my character stays at the gnome npc's house, attempts to rob him blind (he got home early though, curses!) and is all settled to become an NPC aristocrat, abusing her mate's money and power, while the other PCs get to pay out the nose for boarding and training. Its not so much as a stupid pc moment but.. a hilariously awkward series of events that cumulated in "Yea, I have a waterbed and a bunch of ale. want to go repopulate the world?".

brian c
2007-02-27, 02:07 AM
The rest of the group is made up of an elven cleric (whoms player is in a relationship with the DM, and used to be in one with me) as well as a dwarf fighter (husband of the cleric's player)

okay, wait wait wait... The dwarf fighter is the husband of the cleric's player, so the fighter is a guy and the cleric is a girl. The cleric's player is in a relationship with the DM and used to be in one with you... unless there's more than one cleric (or you mistyped something) then this situation is very complicated and i don't see how you can all hang out and game together with that going on.

Swordguy
2007-02-27, 03:11 AM
okay, wait wait wait... The dwarf fighter is the husband of the cleric's player, so the fighter is a guy and the cleric is a girl. The cleric's player is in a relationship with the DM and used to be in one with you... unless there's more than one cleric (or you mistyped something) then this situation is very complicated and i don't see how you can all hang out and game together with that going on.

No, it's possible. I've DM'd a group of one other (polyamorous) guy, and 4 other females (2 of which were currently in a relationship with him, and one was his ex. The other female was/is my wife. His ex at the time was also in a relationship with the girl who became my wife.).

It led to some...interesting...after-game conversations. Never any hard feelings, though, amusingly enough. It helps that everyone involved is quite mature, though.

Voleta
2007-02-27, 03:54 AM
As Swordguy said, Polyamory is reason that such confusion exists.

I'm asexual (indifferent to gender of partner), and everyone but the ranger and wizard are poly. It gets even more complicated when you bring in our other "lifestyle choices", but the gist of it is that we are much closer than most friends, and when you know someone that well, its hard to stay away from them too long. We parted on good terms, and I'm actually going to be DM'ing another game for them shortly.

To stay on topic:
I played a favoured soul of Chauntea in a Living Realms game. My then-boyfriend played my character's twin brother, who was a very boistrous and outgoing psychic warrior (I think. I forget exactly what, but his class isn't relevant except that he was melee). After many explosions due to having a truck full of alchemist fire and black powder, a gnome artificer with his sack full of inventions, and a less-than-stable wizard, we were all about to die. My char's brother was fighting a troll while pretty much everyone tried to run.

So the troll gets a critical. And then another. The DM ruled that the character was pretty much split from the neck down, and pegged aginst a tree by his own sword. My non-barbarian character sees his best friend and brother slaughtered, and rushes in with his scythe. And does maybe two damage before falling. Thank goodness for runes of cure moderate wounds.

hewhosaysfish
2007-02-27, 06:50 AM
I'm asexual (indifferent to gender of partner)
I think you mean bisexual. Asexual is something different.

Voleta
2007-02-27, 07:13 AM
I think you mean bisexual. Asexual is something different.

I'm attempting to not go into lecture mode. There are two forms of asexuality when it comes to humans. One, is where the subject does not have any sex drive or does not want to attempt copulation, regardless of partner. The other kind, is where they simply do not have any preference. I fall into the middle: I don't care what gender they are, but I don't really want to 'do it' anyway. Bisexuals specifically like both genders to varying degrees, and pansexuals.. are even harder to describe.

But again, this is off topic and approaching a grey area.

Edit: Not wanting to bump the thread further with offtopicness, ExHunterEmerald has a point. Tonight was a rough night for me, and I was unnessicarially harsh. Asexual is the term my therapist uses.

ExHunterEmerald
2007-02-27, 08:17 AM
I don't think he was "debating you on your own sexuality" as much as he was "pointing out that asexual is an unusual choice of word," and you clarified for him.
Personally, I'll just stick to budding.

...

*pop!*

Yuki Akuma
2007-02-27, 10:04 AM
...I think you're looking for "pansexual", to be honest.

And that is all. *vanishes in a puff of logic*

The Great Skenardo
2007-02-27, 10:23 AM
What kind of monk only has 16 AC? what level were they?

The kind that twinks to to maximum damage in combat.

This monk was a half-orc dragony-thing from Races of the Dragon, so he was lagging behind his teammates in HP anyways due to the level adjustment. Furthermore, he put his prime stats into Strength and Con (This is a player that gets hugely bitter about playing any character that doesn't have at least 1 18 stat). The rest of the party was on or about ECL5 (party of 5).

In retrospect, I wonder if he wasn't trying to get that character killed on purpose, so he could try re-rolling and get his precious 18...:smallyuk:

Yuki Akuma
2007-02-27, 10:54 AM
..A monk trying to do damage?

Um. Monks do damage now?

Nahal
2007-02-27, 12:07 PM
I'd figured they were more like grappling devices. You know, for bending arcane casters into exotic and painful poses.

Yuki Akuma
2007-02-27, 12:16 PM
I'd figured they were more like grappling devices. You know, for bending arcane casters into exotic and painful poses.

Fighters are better at that.

The monk's thing is Surviving, really.

Diggorian
2007-02-27, 12:39 PM
Our all hetereosexual group, welcomed two new players: a couple where the wife played a Dwarven fighter and the husband a Gnome wizard/rogue. The first scene had these two traveling lost from their main party when a bullette attacked them in the middle of a field, our party was near so came to their aid.

Cleric summons spiritual weapons, our main Wizard casts, super-high AC Monk dances around the monster to draw AoO's to let us move around freely my Fighter rides up on his horse to full attack it. Dwarf fighter atacks it bravely but is getting mauled. Gnome metagames (a strict no-no for us) that the bullette has tremorsense, so slowly tries to sneak away (10ft per round). He's spared atttacks cause everyone else is a threat but him.

We're getting hurt bad, so it's yelled for everyone to flee in different directions. Cleric heals Dwarf and they both double move while I cover them with the monk flanking with me, the main Wizard never closed range, the Gnome moves another 10ft. Next round, Me and my horse are hurt bad I tell the Gnome to book it and delay until after his turn. He goes, moves 10ft to stay "invisible" to the bullette. The monk and me withdraw, monk draws the AoO and gets hit pretty bad.

Everyone is out of the bullette's reach, the nearest one is the Gnome, 50 ft away.

Gnome: "I stop moving so the bullette cant see me. Should I roll Move Silent?"

DM: "Uh ... no need. The Landshark sizes you up as easy prey with it's cold, fully-functioning can see in the dark, twilight, and even better in this daylight eyes. It bounds toward you and leaps."

*DM rolls four +15 claw attacks, cause natural ones are posssible, all hit then tallies damage (total 8d6+32 slashing) compared to the Gnome's wizard HP*

Monk's Player to the former Gnome player: "So, whatcha gonna play next?"

Dark
2007-02-27, 12:51 PM
Gnome metagames (a strict no-no for us) that the bullette has tremorsense, so slowly tries to sneak away (10ft per round).
Where did the player get this 10ft per round stuff? For purposes of tremorsense you're either moving or not moving, there's no "moving slowly" status. Sheesh. What's worse than metagaming? Metagaming badly.

potatocubed
2007-02-27, 06:37 PM
This isn't a D&D story, but it's still one of my favourites.

The setting is Heavy Gear - basically it was a sci-fi powered armour mercenary company game, except our group had been fitted out with its own landship to ride around in. A landship is basically a battleship that hovers across the land, because the planet HG is set on has very little surface water but a lot of flat deserts.

Anyway, we stop off in a town and cause the usual ruckus that PCs do. While some of us are off buying rubber underwear (don't even ask) this mysterious man approaches two of the other characters and asks them to take a huge teddy bear to the next town over, and deliver it to a specific address.

The two characters (whose names I forget) accept the payment and the bear, but once they return to the landship they begin to get suspicious. A mysterious teddy bear? What's going on? The leap to the conclusion that it contains a cunningly disguised bomb. So they scan the bear with every sensor we've got. Infrared, ultraviolet, x-ray, everything. They detect nothing hidden within the bear, so they decide the bomb must be hidden really well.

So they take the bear out into the desert and shell it with the landship's main guns, just to make sure.

They then buy a different bear and take it to the address specified, only to discover that the man was attempting to send a birthday present to his illegitimate son.

In the same game, we also had another ridiculous situation. First, there was a shipboard full-contact martial arts tournament, since a lot of us had made martial artist characters and wanted to try them out. One of the martial artists refused to surrender when beaten, and got hospitalised. Now, wounds in this system take ages to heal, he was going to be there for a while.

Next game day, our landship (with injured guy) on board is parked up outside this city. Within the city, the rest of the party are pinned down by sniper fire. My plan was to have the crew on the landship shell the building (the block, really) the shooting was coming from, until it was pointed out that we were trying to get on the good side of this particular place. Instead, injured guy radios in: "I'll save you!"

You see, he's still got his sidearm by his hospital bed. And the bed is on wheels. So he takes his IV stand and begins 'poling' his bed out of the landship, and down the street towards where we were. Finally abandoning the IV and just letting the bed skate downhill while he emptied his (only) clip in the general direction of the sniper.

It didn't help much.