Advice and Advisement for a Highschool Senior

[7th son of sons]

I'm in a bit of a situation, a situation I wholly admit to forcing on myself, but not one I think I was fully prepared for. I need assistence, any advice is helpful.

Here's the Situation:
I like a girl. Have liked for about three years now. We've been friends, but not great friends, but we're friendly enough. I was in the process of attempting to ask her to prom, I went to her best friend and asked her if she was going with anyone, to which her friend replied she was going with her boyfriend. Not entirely upset, because nothing really happened, I was met with a pleasent suprise when a few days later, she approached me and asked if I would like to take her to prom, saying she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. Of course, I was more than Happy too.

Here's where the story gets hard. She's always had a sort of reputation as a girl who sleeps around, drinks, drugs, you know the type. I had always known about it, chose to ignore it, because I was infatuated with her. After asking me to prom, she also asked if I would be attending an "after-prom rager", which I came to found meant a party with drinking, drugs, music, what-have-you. I'm not much for partying, but if it meant a longer date with my three year crush, I was down for it.

A few days past, and we where talking about some stupid stuff going around on the highschool rumour mill, came out and told me she was in love with another girl, but said other girl was currently engaged to her Girlfriend. She said the situation involved said other girl being in love with her as well, but being in love with her girlfriend more so. She said this girl was the most important person in her life, and that she couldn't see her life without her. I tol a story my mom had been telling me since I was born, of a similar situation between her and my father in law, ending said story with what my mom had always told me "Don't regret your first love, but know they won't be your last". She was greatful for me opening up to her like that, telling her a very emotional story from a very Sh*tty time in my life. She said she admired me, and I returned the favour. I felt like it was my chance, but I didn't tell her how I felt, not with her in the mindset she was in.

At the same time, one of her friends had apparently told her I wasbringing condoms to prom (which was and is, untrue). She contacted me through Facebook, asking me about it, seeming very mad at the idea. I explained how it was all untrue, how she was, in fact, my first date period, and that I had no such plans or expectations of myself, or of her. She took it well enough, but durin the conversation, she brought up how she didn't want a boyfriend. All the while, more rumours of her "partners" continued to surface, including those of her and the girl she claimed to be in love with, getting together even now, when she's engaged. The whole while, I'm nervous about Prom, and about what could go on, and about how the other woman and her fiancee wouldd be attending the prom as well.

At the end of the day, here's where I need advice:
1.) Should I tell her that I like her? Should I tell her now? At the Prom? After Prom? During the Party? How should I tell her? this is easily my worst area of Highschool social living.

2.) How do I deal with this other girl and her fiancee. It's not fair for the fiancee to not know whats going on, but at the same time it's not my business.

3.) Is it worth going to Prom if she and the other girl might end up just getting together there, as so many seem to believe? What about the stigma about her and her... escapades? should I be intimidated if something does come up?

I realize all of this is just Highschool drama, and I'll look back and say "that was all really dumb", like my mother did, but while I'm here, while I'm living it, it sucks. I'm stressing out hard, I can't focus, and I feel like my chance is slipping away. Please, Please, I need something, anything, I'm getting desperate. For time frame, all of the above took place over 1 week, and the Prom in question is in 3 weeks

[OverdrivePrime]

I'm in a bit of a situation, a situation I wholly admit to forcing on myself, but not one I think I was fully prepared for. I need assistence, any advice is helpful.
I like a girl. Have liked for about three years now. We've been friends, but not great friends, but we're friendly enough. I was in the process of attempting to ask her to prom, I went to her best friend and asked her if she was going with anyone, to which her friend replied she was going with her boyfriend. Not entirely upset, because nothing really happened, I was met with a pleasent suprise when a few days later, she approached me and asked if I would like to take her to prom, saying she had recently broken up with her boyfriend. Of course, I was more than Happy too.

Here's where the story gets hard. She's always had a sort of reputation as a girl who sleeps around, drinks, drugs, you know the type. I had always known about it, chose to ignore it, because I was infatuated with her. After asking me to prom, she also asked if I would be attending an "after-prom rager", which I came to found meant a party with drinking, drugs, music, what-have-you. I'm not much for partying, but if it meant a longer date with my three year crush, I was down for it.

A few days past, and we where talking about some stupid stuff going around on the highschool rumour mill, came out and told me she was in love with another girl, but said other girl was currently engaged to her Girlfriend. She said the situation involved said other girl being in love with her as well, but being in love with her girlfriend more so. She said this girl was the most important person in her life, and that she couldn't see her life without her. I tol a story my mom had been telling me since I was born, of a similar situation between her and my father in law, ending said story with what my mom had always told me "Don't regret your first love, but know they won't be your last". She was greatful for me opening up to her like that, telling her a very emotional story from a very Sh*tty time in my life. She said she admired me, and I returned the favour. I felt like it was my chance, but I didn't tell her how I felt, not with her in the mindset she was in.

At the same time, one of her friends had apparently told her I wasbringing condoms to prom (which was and is, untrue). She contacted me through Facebook, asking me about it, seeming very mad at the idea. I explained how it was all untrue, how she was, in fact, my first date period, and that I had no such plans or expectations of myself, or of her. She took it well enough, but durin the conversation, she brought up how she didn't want a boyfriend. All the while, more rumours of her "partners" continued to surface, including those of her and the girl she claimed to be in love with, getting together even now, when she's engaged. The whole while, I'm nervous about Prom, and about what could go on, and about how the other woman and her fiancee wouldd be attending the prom as well.

At the end of the day, here's where I need advice:
1.) Should I tell her that I like her? Should I tell her now? At the Prom? After Prom? During the Party? How should I tell her? this is easily my worst area of Highschool social living.

2.) How do I deal with this other girl and her fiancee. It's not fair for the fiancee to not know whats going on, but at the same time it's not my business.

3.) Is it worth going to Prom if she and the other girl might end up just getting together there, as so many seem to believe? What about the stigma about her and her... escapades? should I be intimidated if something does come up?

I realize all of this is just Highschool drama, and I'll look back and say "that was all really dumb", like my mother did, but while I'm here, while I'm living it, it sucks. I'm stressing out hard, I can't focus, and I feel like my chance is slipping away. Please, Please, I need something, anything, I'm getting desperate. For time frame, all of the above took place over 1 week, and the Prom in question is in 3 weeks

20 years later, I still know the frustration and heartache prom drama can bring, 7th Son. I suspect a lot of us here do - silly drama or not, that is some epic-level stuff in high school life.

I'll give you my take and then a bit more.
1.) Tell her now. Not like... this very second, but definitely before prom. This weekend, if you can. She probably knows already, but hiding feelings is one of the biggest traps of high school life. Be upfront. Even if it changes things. Especially if it changes things. Remember that drama only begets more drama.

2.) Not your business, not your secret to share. That drama is between those three to sort out. If the third girl is unaware that she's being cheated on, that sucks. If you're friends with her, I can see an ethical obligation to let her know that she needs to have a serious talk with her fiance (how do high schoolers have fiances?? Is this an anime plot I'm not picking up on?) but it's not on you to spill the beans.

3.) It's worth going to prom. I went to 3 proms, and only left with my date at the last one (when I was one of those weird college guys who came to his HS senior girlfriend's prom out of a sense of obligation). Prom is a fun time, and regardless of the scenario, you're pretty likely to be glad to have gone.

That said, I'm not sure you should be leaving prom with this girl. Unrequited crush or not, she sounds like absolute buckets of drama. Drugs, heavy drinking, unnecessary secrets, a casual attitude about fidelity, ... she sounds like a drama whirlpool.

You're friends with her, and that's great. You've got a crush that doesn't seem to be returned, and that's heartache. Moreover, you sound like a genuinely good person who cares about not just your crush but the people around you. Thumbs-up to that.

Here's what I suggest:

Be open and up-front with her, ASAP. "I've had a thing for you since sophomore year. I really like you a lot, but I know your heart is with (gal B). If you're comfortable with it, I still want to take you to prom, but I need you to understand that I have no expectations from it - we're going as friends and I respect that."

Make sure you believe that when you say it.

If you're uncomfortable going to that after-party, then don't go, but let her know before prom night. All of the bad prom experiences I've ever heard from other people start with them doing something that didn't sit right with them. It's good to get out of your comfort zone. It's dangerous to get into something that's ringing alarm bells in your head. If she's any kind of friend, she'll be cool with that.

Don't try to date this girl. She sounds really uncomfortable with who she is, and sounds like she's emotionally all over the map. It sounds like she has a lot to work through. Support her, be a good friend, and after prom, see if she's interested in setting you up with any cute friends of hers who aren't in love with someone who's in a committed relationship.

[Palanan]

Since you're a senior, does this mean you'll be graduating in a month or so? Do you have plans for college, or will you be in the same area after graduation?

If you're heading off to college this fall, then the advice I have is simple: don't get involved with her. Take her as a date to the prom itself, but skip the rager afterwards--you sound like you have sense enough to know that's not your style, and no reason you should go. Let the multi-girl drama unfold without locking yourself in the middle of it all.

Ride this out, use the summer to get ready for your first semester at college, and get ready to meet a world of better options as a college freshman. From what you've described already, it sounds as if this isn't a person you really need to be involved with, and in your gut you know this already.

I understand how it feels to be in the middle of intense emotions like this. Can't say it'll be easy, and there will be turbulence; but you're better off steering clear of deeper involvement with this person. You can do better.

[Telonius]

My daughter just turned four, so bear that in mind...

Reaction to the "bringing condoms to prom" thing - I would certainly hope you are; and if you don't, I hope that she keeps one (or more) in her purse. In my personal opinion, condoms don't signal a single thing about intent or consent; they signal lack of stupidity.

That aside - for number one, yes, tell her. In a mature of a way as possible, privately. Last thing you want is to make her feel like she has to make some sort of decision right in the middle of a major event. Don't put any strings on it. You're not telling her any of that in the hopes of getting laid, you're telling her that because you want to be honest with yourself and her. If you end up without a date because of it, then yeah that sucks, but it would suck even worse to be dragging yourself over the coals for the next couple of weeks.

For number two, I'm basically with Overdrive. If it's not your business, it's not your business. It's a little different if it's a close friend, but it doesn't sound like that's the case.

For number three ... I'm not the best person to ask on that one. I didn't date much (if at all) during high school, and didn't have a date when prom came around. (When you attend an all-boys high school, that means you don't attend). But if you have a date, and you both want to go? I'd say go for it. If worst comes to worst you can take what happens and use the plot for a cheesy romance novel.

[7th son of sons]

Since you're a senior, does this mean you'll be graduating in a month or so? Do you have plans for college, or will you be in the same area after graduation?

If you're heading off to college this fall, then the advice I have is simple: don't get involved with her. Take her as a date to the prom itself, but skip the rager afterwards--you sound like you have sense enough to know that's not your style, and no reason you should go. Let the multi-girl drama unfold without locking yourself in the middle of it all.

Ride this out, use the summer to get ready for your first semester at college, and get ready to meet a world of better options as a college freshman. From what you've described already, it sounds as if this isn't a person you really need to be involved with, and in your gut you know this already.

I understand how it feels to be in the middle of intense emotions like this. Can't say it'll be easy, and there will be turbulence; but you're better off steering clear of deeper involvement with this person. You can do better.

Here's where it gets awkward... er. We're going to the same college, in the same major. Came to find out not too long ago we live in the Same GD building. Never planned it like that, just how things ended up, for better or for worse. Whether I'm with her or not, I'll probably be seeing her 5 days a week for 4 years, at least, so I'd prefer I didn't ruin everything. At the same time, said love of her life is moving to Iowa (comparitively, we're in Ohio currently), to live with said fiance. As in, they're already leasing from her family to live together 4 weeks from now, and they'll both be attending college there.

[Palanan]

That's definitely awkwarder.

However, given this, I think it's more important than ever to keep her at a distance and not get involved. Casual-friendly, say hi in the halls, and look elsewhere.

Much easier in the saying than the doing, I know--but you'll be in a much better place this time next year.

[OverdrivePrime]

Here's where it gets awkward... er. We're going to the same college, in the same major. Came to find out not too long ago we live in the Same GD building. Never planned it like that, just how things ended up, for better or for worse. Whether I'm with her or not, I'll probably be seeing her 5 days a week for 4 years, at least, so I'd prefer I didn't ruin everything. At the same time, said love of her life is moving to Iowa (comparitively, we're in Ohio currently), to live with said fiance. As in, they're already leasing from her family to live together 4 weeks from now, and they'll both be attending college there.
Yikes. Way more awkward. :smalleek:


That's definitely awkwarder.

However, given this, I think it's more important than ever to keep her at a distance and not get involved. Casual-friendly, say hi in the halls, and look elsewhere.

Much easier in the saying than the doing, I know--but you'll be in a much better place this time next year.

^^ This. Totally this.

Again, this sounds like a woman who has some serious self-sorting to do. That's cool. Most of us do, at some point. But don't date someone when they're going through a period like that and expect to still be friends in a year's time.

I've found that honesty is the easiest and cleanest way to move on from a crush. "I'm really into you, and I understand that it's not returned in the same way. Let me know if your feelings for me ever change. In the mean time, I really like being your friend, and I'm happy to stay that way."

It's amazing how satisfying and fulfilling it is to get that off your chest and out in the open.

[Coidzor]

That's definitely awkwarder.

However, given this, I think it's more important than ever to keep her at a distance and not get involved. Casual-friendly, say hi in the halls, and look elsewhere.

Much easier in the saying than the doing, I know--but you'll be in a much better place this time next year.

Yep, need to end that friendship but still act friendly. Doesn't sound like you had much of a friendship to begin with, so that'll make growing distant and just not talking easier.

[Melayl]

20 years later, I still know the frustration and heartache prom drama can bring, 7th Son. I suspect a lot of us here do - silly drama or not, that is some epic-level stuff in high school life.

I'll give you my take and then a bit more.
1.) Tell her now. Not like... this very second, but definitely before prom. This weekend, if you can. She probably knows already, but hiding feelings is one of the biggest traps of high school life. Be upfront. Even if it changes things. Especially if it changes things. Remember that drama only begets more drama.

2.) Not your business, not your secret to share. That drama is between those three to sort out. If the third girl is unaware that she's being cheated on, that sucks. If you're friends with her, I can see an ethical obligation to let her know that she needs to have a serious talk with her fiance (how do high schoolers have fiances?? Is this an anime plot I'm not picking up on?) but it's not on you to spill the beans.

3.) It's worth going to prom. I went to 3 proms, and only left with my date at the last one (when I was one of those weird college guys who came to his HS senior girlfriend's prom out of a sense of obligation). Prom is a fun time, and regardless of the scenario, you're pretty likely to be glad to have gone.

That said, I'm not sure you should be leaving prom with this girl. Unrequited crush or not, she sounds like absolute buckets of drama. Drugs, heavy drinking, unnecessary secrets, a casual attitude about fidelity, ... she sounds like a drama whirlpool.

You're friends with her, and that's great. You've got a crush that doesn't seem to be returned, and that's heartache. Moreover, you sound like a genuinely good person who cares about not just your crush but the people around you. Thumbs-up to that.

Here's what I suggest:

Be open and up-front with her, ASAP. "I've had a thing for you since sophomore year. I really like you a lot, but I know your heart is with (gal B). If you're comfortable with it, I still want to take you to prom, but I need you to understand that I have no expectations from it - we're going as friends and I respect that."

Make sure you believe that when you say it.

If you're uncomfortable going to that after-party, then don't go, but let her know before prom night. All of the bad prom experiences I've ever heard from other people start with them doing something that didn't sit right with them. It's good to get out of your comfort zone. It's dangerous to get into something that's ringing alarm bells in your head. If she's any kind of friend, she'll be cool with that.

Don't try to date this girl. She sounds really uncomfortable with who she is, and sounds like she's emotionally all over the map. It sounds like she has a lot to work through. Support her, be a good friend, and after prom, see if she's interested in setting you up with any cute friends of hers who aren't in love with someone who's in a committed relationship.

I am in 150% agreement with this. It's good advice; take it. The best thing you can do is just be her (responsible) friend. If, some time/years down the line, if she gets comfortable with who she is, and you like who she is then, maybe give it another shot. Don't count on that, though.


My daughter just turned four, so bear that in mind...

Reaction to the "bringing condoms to prom" thing - I would certainly hope you are; and if you don't, I hope that she keeps one (or more) in her purse. In my personal opinion, condoms don't signal a single thing about intent or consent; they signal lack of stupidity.


As to this, in this instance: not just No, but Hell No. You already told her you weren't bringing condoms. If you do bring them, it signals to her that you cannot be trusted, and are only seeking to get into her pants. (this may or may not be your intent, but I can almost guarantee that's what she'll think). Some other time, with some other girl, I'd say yes to this advice wholeheartedly.

[Coidzor]

I am in 150% agreement with this. It's good advice; take it. The best thing you can do is just be her (responsible) friend. If, some time/years down the line, if she gets comfortable with who she is, and you like who she is then, maybe give it another shot. Don't count on that, though.

As to this, in this instance: not just No, but Hell No. You already told her you weren't bringing condoms. If you do bring them, it signals to her that you cannot be trusted, and are only seeking to get into her pants. (this may or may not be your intent, but I can almost guarantee that's what she'll think). Some other time, with some other girl, I'd say yes to this advice wholeheartedly.

Bah. The best thing to do is let such an association die the long slow death of friendly nods and waves from afar and instead focus on making friends that are more one's speed. :smalltongue:

Sort of a day late and a dollar short on that one by now, no? Though why one would submit to a search to determine whether one was carrying condoms is beyond me, because anyone who would actually make that demand is someone beyond what anyone should put up with. Granted, none of this friend group seem to be worth spotting a condom in an emergency either...

[ForzaFiori]

As someone who fairly regularly beats himself up over mistakes made in HS, I can agree with basically everything here. Someone with that much baggage doesn't make a good boy/girlfriend - I've been on both sides of that, and neither is pretty. Definitely get your feelings out in the open. Not only will it let you go ahead and get it off your chest, but if your like most highschoolers, it's probably fairly obvious to everyone except you (and maybe her). Also, it'll keep you from looking back later and thinking "man, I could have had a chance if I had just told her.".

Take her to prom or, if something comes up - always a possibility, especially with someone in emotional turmoil - go stag. I'd assume you have other friends that are going, so if she decides to spend the night fawning over the other girl, you can go and chill with someone else. In all honesty, prom is more fun in a group than just two people, dating or not (though after prom, it can turn into a different story sometimes).

Since your going to the same college and major, try to stay at least friendly with her, even if maybe friends becomes a bit tough. That helps alot to cut down on awkward moments walking through the halls. In my honest opinion, even if you stay friends, I would suggest trying not be best friends. Being really close to someone like that and trying to keep the friendship going can take ALOT out of a person (moreso if you have a crush on them, since you'll undoubtedly have to hear about relationship difficulties, which is never fun). If you can deal with that, then your a saint (or a masochist), and I salute you because you serve a vital role in society that I can't. I wouldn't keep high hopes of a relationship ever panning out (though that's not to say it won't. Just that I wouldn't bet on the odds).

Good luck with figuring it out. As much as it sucks now, if it ever gets to bad, try to keep in mind that at least most of the drama is almost over. College still has it, but there's more people so it's easier to get away from it.

[OverdrivePrime]

How did prom wind up for you, 7th Son of Sons?

[Thiel]

As to this, in this instance: not just No, but Hell No. You already told her you weren't bringing condoms. If you do bring them, it signals to her that you cannot be trusted, and are only seeking to get into her pants. (this may or may not be your intent, but I can almost guarantee that's what she'll think). Some other time, with some other girl, I'd say yes to this advice wholeheartedly.

Sigh. Condoms are not a statement of intent, especially in a situation like this where they either won't be needed in which case she won't know or they will be needed in which case he'll be damn glad he did bring them.

In more general terms I agree with Telonius. Carrying a condom around is like having a spare tires and a first aid kit in your car. You're not planning on using either, but flats and crashes still happens.

[Melayl]

Sigh. Condoms are not a statement of intent, especially in a situation like this where they either won't be needed in which case she won't know or they will be needed in which case he'll be damn glad he did bring them.

I realize they aren't a statement of intent. I actually agreed that in most cases Telonius was right. I just said that in this particular instance, since he had already been confronted accusingly by said date about condoms, and had said he was not going to, or planning to, bring them, he should keep his word.

[ScubaGoomba]

I'll go ahead and chime in to mention that it's SUPER easy to not see people you don't want to see when you're in college. My university was fairly large, but my major program was not. Three students, myself included, from my high school entered at the same time and I maybe saw one of the kids a few hours a week, but never had to interact in any substantial way. There are a lot of people in college and it's easy to fly under the radar or even on a totally different grid, entirely.

For this girl, she does seem like a perfectly fine person, but you need to be up-front about how you feel and it sounds like her interests don't align with yours. I had a major crush when I was in school that was very similar to your situation and it never went anywhere, nor should it have. Hopefully everything went well, even if you later find you made the wrong decision. Mistakes are just learning opportunities and you're bound to make a few at your age (heck, you're bound to make a few at any age)!