Poet Eddie, the Goblin Bard

[Gnome Alone]

Hark, playgroundlings. I have thought a thing with my brain, and I would love some assistance in making the word flesh.

A few weeks ago I took my son, who's 5, to visit my mom and brothers, and among the nice things about their house is there's a park less than a full block from it. After a brief acquaintance with The Wind Waker, my son has since become rather fond of The Legend of Zelda, and so we were at the park, where he was pretending to be Link, his uncle was Zelda, and I of course am cast into the role of all the monsters and NPCs and the like.

Thinking of those moblins in the very first Zelda game who give you money while saying "It's a secret to everyone," I made up a companion for Link named "Poet Eddie" a timid moblin (though I just said he was a goblin because I didn't feel like explaining what a "moblin" was when it's practically the same thing anyway) who recites bad poetry and helps the heroes out.

Ok, none of that is necessary to know, strictly speaking, but I dunno, I figured maybe it helps convey some of the flavor I'm intending, and anyway I bet y'all see where I'm going with this: I thought, hey, I should make a D&D character of this guy.

So, Poet Eddie the Goblin Bard. First things first, are there any goblin subraces without a Charisma penalty? I couldn't find any, but I thought I'd ask. I had thought to mainly do Inspire Courage and skills anyway, and I know it's not like bards need 18 CHA to be effective, but all the same if there's a way around -2 CHA I'm taking it.

Speaking of Inspire Courage, I can't decide if Perform (Oratory) or Perform (Comedy) is more appropriate. Poet Eddie, and yes he calls himself that, endeavors to speak in rhyme as much as possible, often with halting, mumbled asides. A few samples:

"Mermaids are wet
Ogres are mean
My poems are... pretty good
And... my skin is green
It's green"

"I'm Poet Eddie, gobbelin bard
Iambic pentameter turned out to...
Uh, it turned out to be pretty hard"

So, I can't see anyone being particularly inspired by stuff like that as a stirring speech (i.e. Oratory). I can however see it being considered pretty funny (Comedy), and it boosting the other PCs' confidence because they're so good they can afford to have a guy reciting dumb poetry in the midst of battle. I don't see the character as seeing it being funny, though. Perform (Unintentional Comedy)?

Finally, I'm assuming Wisdom can be flushed down the toilet (for both mechanical and obvious RP-related reasons) and DEX, CON and INT all have their uses, but should I bother with Strength at all? I was thinking if I do end up actually having to fight while in combats that I should just hang back and plink away with a bow, so do you think it'd be worth it to stick like a 12 in Strength (that would then be goblin'ed down to 10) just to at least not have a penalty to damage?

TL;DR Try being more patient, you'll live longer. Also, mainly I'm looking for suggestions for a goblin bard.

[Red Fel]

Off the top of my head, I can think of two Goblin variants for you.

First is the Air Goblin (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/variant/races/elementalRacialVariants.htm#airGoblins) elemental race variant from UA. No Cha penalty, no need to breathe, more Dex than the average goblin, but they gain a Con penalty in addition to the usual Str penalty, and lose the Ride bonus.

Second is the Bhuka from Sandstorm. They lose the Cha penalty and gain Heat Endurance, which is frankly a substantial improvement. (Lose a penalty and gain a bonus? Yes, please!)

Frankly, I think Perform (Unintentional Comedy) is a brilliant idea, and I'd give you bonus points if you extended it to include physical comedy as well. But that's just me.

[Gnome Alone]

Thanks! Never heard of the bhuka, but I looked them up and they seem pretty cool. I noticed they are Medium-sized, but eh, whatever.

I knew about air goblins but I didn't realize they didn't have a CHA penalty; I ran across some elf variants once and I thought that their racial stats flat out replaced the vanilla elf ones, only it turned out that they're in addition to the normal elven racial stats, so I assumed that the same thing was going on with the air goblins.

I'm betting I can talk a DM into one or the other of those; thanks.

Oh, and just in case anyone's wondering, which I know you aren't, "Poet Eddie" is supposed to be a riff on "the Poetic Edda."

[Inevitability]

Air goblin is great for another reason. You don't have to breathe, so you can just tell all your jokes without need for breathing pauses.

[Gnome Alone]

Y'know, that raises an interesting point: do air elementalesque races not have to breathe at all, even to speak, or is it just that they can't actually suffocate and still need to draw air in to speak and spit on things and such? I mean, I know the real answer is "powered by handwavium" but it's a valid in-universe question, I think.

Also, decided to go with a light crossbow to match that turrible Strength score. I had not realized until I looked it up that crossbows don't incur a damage loss from the wielder having a Strength penalty. Amazing the things you can do with a basic understanding of the game you're playing.