Gamer Humor Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12 [Archive] - Page 2

Kid Jake

2014-07-20, 12:42 PM

More from my Pathfinder group's last session:

Farmers: "Why should we risk our lives?"
PC: "I give a rousing speech to rally the farmers to our cause."
Me: "Alright, give me a diplomacy roll and the gist of your speech."
*rolls a 1 with no diplomacy ranks*
PC: *sees he's tanked it* "F*** you, that's why!"

"There's no point in negotiating with you. You're a creature of pure, innate goodness; I know you won't help us."

PC1: "Bassa you bastard! How dare you betray us before we could betray you!"
PC2: "Yeah, you can't trust an ettercap. Who knew?"

Me: "Ok, the unicorn believes you. Now he just thinks you're both idiots."
PCs: "Score! That's a net gain."

PC: "I struggle against the spider webs."
*Natural 1 on strength check.*
Me: "Pretty sure they're stronger now than when you started."

PC: "I give an inspiring speech and tell the villagers that they're now under our protection!"
Me: "Alright."
PC: "Alright, is that a bluff or diplomacy?"
Mr: "Hrm?"
PC: "Well obviously I don't mean it."

Necroticplague

2014-07-20, 01:27 PM

Necronpc:And yet you would still stand before me? Who now has risen as a god of death? You should be worshipping me, not defying me? I give one last chance to live.
Kreig: I have a better Idea: you go screw yourself and drop the delusions of grandeur, or die a very slow, painful death.
NecroNPC:*shoots black ray of energy from hand*
DM:Whelp, Hand of Death, you're dead now
Player: Read level 6 feat and fort save.
DM:Pawn of the Great Game, +30.
DM:...
DM:You cheeky SOAB.
Kreig: You power only extends to the pathetic whelps controlled by the forces of life and death. My time is determined by a much higher force. So what are you with all your fancy powers coming so nothing? A tiny man in overly-dramatic robes. You think you can rule the world entirely on your own power? You can't even kill one man, with not a drop of magic in his blood.Now die, and face justice.

This Kreig is a different one from the precious one, though both were built around exploiting loopholes in their respective systems to become nigh-invincible.

Rater202

2014-07-20, 07:10 PM

Sith_Happens

2014-07-20, 07:16 PM

[Snip]

These are the same players as your M&M game, right? They have to be.:smalltongue:

I know this is no context, but what does "Pawn of the great game" do?

If you would be killed by a death effect or reduced from positive hit points to -10, make a DC [25 - character level] Fortitude save. If you succeed, you take two points of Strength and Constitution drain and are at 1 hit point instead.

Kid Jake

2014-07-20, 07:32 PM

These are the same players as your M&M game, right? They have to be.:smalltongue:

I think I just bring out the worst in people.

GPuzzle

2014-07-20, 08:14 PM

PbP game here, which the last batch of quotes came from too:

"We're cat-napping our Druid."

"What's your Desert Wind Flurry of Blows refluffed as?"
"Bad burritos."

"We're not racist towards cats."

ZeroGear

2014-07-21, 06:35 AM

DigoDragon

2014-07-21, 07:53 AM

Amaya: "Until I get my pizza, I'm holding Nicolette's coffee hostage."

Nicolette: "Ack, I can't speak English today."
Amaya: "You're in Texas, no one will notice."
Ronnie: "Hello, the miners barely speak at all."
Amaya: "That's another thing. They don't seem to have a life."
Ronnie: "Ha-ha, double entrandre!"
Amaya: "Double what?"
Ronnie: "...No speak de English."

Alexander: "So if the workers are undead, then the mining company has an excellent source of cheap labor."
Amaya: "Whoever came up with this is either completely insane or a F***ing genius. Maybe both."
Nicolette: "Not when the mining union hears about this."
Ronnie: "Hello, what are they gonna do? Kill the undead? Again?"

Nicolette: "I think the mining equipment breakdown is related to the undead."
Amaya: "Maybe not a direct relation- What if there is a second spellcaster against the idea of the first caster using the undead labor?"
Alexander: "Hmm, so number two is using magical sabotage against number one?"
Amaya: "Exactly. A rivalry is happening."
Nicolette: "So you think using undead labor is legit?"
Amaya: "I never said that."
Ronnie: "Hello, nothing in Federal law says it's wrong."
Alexander: "Pelor's teachings, on the other hand, isn't as forgiving to necromancy."
Nicolette: "So... we call the Pope?"

Ronnie: "Criminy, this explains Windows ME!"

Maritza: *Hands Amaya a note and walks away*
Amaya: (Reads the paper) "Hmmm, suspicion confirmed. Maritza knows magic."
Nicolette: "Really now?"
Amaya: "She just wrote to me in magical runes. It says she's surprised that I know magic and she wonders since when did the FBI start employing witches."
Nicolette: "I would say since the Reagan administration, but I'll count you as the first."

Amaya: "Ask Ares if any employees took a sick day."
Nicolette: "Ares, see if-"
Ares: "Nope. I explode. Done!"
Nicolette: "Forget sick days, Ares just called in dead."

Nicolette: "So do witches use Mage Hand as foreplay with each other?"
Amaya: "Not on the first date."
Ronnie: "Hello, I'll break that rule."

MOAR Quotes:

Nicolette: "I ask the secretary if I can see the doctor."
GM: "The secretary puts down the phone and picks up a shotgun."
Nicolette: "I pull out my Desert Eagle. This will be a good match. Her barrel should be only slightly shorter than mine."

Megatron: "All hail the Allspark!"
Soundwave: "Sir, that's a Dreamcast."
Megatron: "Hush!"

Nicolette: "It's Eddie Van Halen after the 'All you can eat' tour."

GM: "Nicolette, Ronnie, you two arrive back at the mine."
Ronnie: (Leap out the sunroof onto the ground) "Hello, danger sense tingling. Where's Jail-bait?"
Nicolette: "I call Amaya."
Amaya: (Answers cell phone) "Ugh... Hell?"
Nicolette: "Amaya, where are you?"
Amaya: "I see... dirt, dirt... cactus... dirt..."
Nicolette: "You're describing half of Texas."

Amaya: "Ugh..."
Alexander: *Casts Cure Minor Wounds* "HP restored."
Amaya: "Oh, I feel better."
Alexander: "But you're still hungry."

Nicolette: "Only in Texas in the middle of the desert can someone be date raped."

Ronnie, Alexander, & Amaya: *Heads to Maritza's trailer and knocks on the door*
Maritza: "Yes?"
Amaya: "Hi. Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, and Dorothy here to see the Wizard."
Ronnie: "Hello, no heart!"
Maritza: "...?"

Amaya: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-"
Alexander: "Are you going New York Super Sayan mode??"

Amaya: "Did she... did she just just snap her own neck?"
Alexander: "It sounded so. That's really unusual."
Nicolette: "She's one tough human."
Alexander: "Dude, Batman couldn't do that."

Amaya: "Brilliant, are we forming the fellowship of the ring?"
Ronnie: "Hello, and my axe-kick!"

Nicolette: "My god, it smells like old feet wrapped in bacon."

Amaya: "Whatever is down there, it's intelligent. I threw some rocks down the tunnel. It threw one back and nearly took off my head."
Nicolette: "Well, can you communucate with it? Find out what it wants?"
Amaya: "I can't communicate with it. It's the darkness, it doesn't have a motivation!"
Nicolette: "Can you cast Magic Missile at it?"

Cowardly Griffo

2014-07-21, 08:12 AM

This Kreig is a different one from the precious one, though both were built around exploiting loopholes in their respective systems to become nigh-invincible.To be fair, if this DM is the same as the "What's Waldo" one, it sounds like they have a tendency to give their villains grandiose speeches and then kill PCs before the combat starts. Aggressive self-defense may be a reasonable reaction. :P

(Speaking as someone peering at the situation through a very narrow pinhole, so take that with a grain of salt and/or an apology)

Erik Vale

2014-07-21, 08:40 AM

Woo, new round.
DM: As you shake the halfling eventually a pouch of gold falls out, one with your sigil.
Ranger: I knew it *Pockets it*
Me: Hey! Don't steal from him!
Ranger: That's my sigal.
Me: No, I saw it on his coin purse before, you must have the same sigals... Which wouldn't be too surprising since we're planeswalkers from across the multi-verse. Now you give him his purse back.
DM [IC]: .... Roll Bluff at -10.
*Rolling, I roll high with my nerfed mod, he rolls low with his great mod*
Ranger [OOC]: Ha I win by one!
DM [OOC]: You know he's lying.

----

*1 Round of Combat with surprise round supporting ranger [level 8] vs 2 level 4's and a 5*
DM: The mage [Me] crawls forwards and beats [Rangers] head in with a peice of broken table... The ranger initiated with lethal damage and as per red mark rules, you may divy up loot... All I can say is that I did my job warning you all as a DM and why the hell does this always happen to me!

*Later*
DM: [Ranger], having his genitals removed and nailed to the door, killed attacking new walkers who were much weaker, and later having his corpse found headless, pants around ankles and castrated, is thoroughly shamed, as is the guild of Light and Dark, for one of it's members being so thoroughly beaten, shamed, and for his attacking of new arrivals, however the exact outcome of this remains to be seen.
Me: It involves my character moving to the other side of the city and laying low for a while. Oh, and you two can crash at my place.

Yea... That session went really well despite also going really badly.

Sith_Happens

2014-07-21, 02:25 PM

Amaya: "Until I get my pizza, I'm holding Nicolette's coffee hostage."

I actually read this in Raven's voice and it was glorious.

Amaya: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-"
Alexander: "Are you going New York Super Sayan mode??"

SPOILER ALERT: Yes.:smallbiggrin:

Nicolette: "My god, it smells like old feet wrapped in bacon."

Mmmmmmmm... I mean eeeeeeewww.

<.<

>.>

IAmTehDave

2014-07-21, 03:13 PM

I actually read this in Raven's voice and it was glorious.

I am now reading all of Amaya's lines in Raven's voice. Alternatively, Starfire's. Either one works.

Me, the hacker/demolitions expert, setting up security for a HVT: I rig the soda machine to explode if anyone tries to buy anything.
GM: What? Why?
Me: What, you've never gotten thirsty on an op?

Necroticplague

2014-07-21, 03:18 PM

To be fair, if this DM is the same as the "What's Waldo" one, it sounds like they have a tendency to give their villains grandiose speeches and then kill PCs before the combat starts. Aggressive self-defense may be a reasonable reaction. :P

(Speaking as someone peering at the situation through a very narrow pinhole, so take that with a grain of salt and/or an apology)

Actually, Shibu was a PC of mine. She pretended to be mind-controlled by the primary antagonist in order to learn more about him, and this "sub-boss battle" was one of the last parts of the plan. Stacked all factor as far in my favor as possible (I was only one with mundane flight, so place was filled with pit traps. Shadow creature with a devil's see in darkness, so place was magically darkened. Mage had most potent battlefield control, choked him first. Place was silenced once the fight started, they couldn't hear if another member fell.

Why do I believe the appropriate response would be:
"Imagine that. Let me try again."
And then blast him a couple more times until the con and str or extra damage kills him?

That's why he walked around with neberius bound to him and a strongheart vest with 2 essentia in it bound to his waist at all times. And has a neklace made out of a bunch of +1 shuriken on a string, each one being a Spellblade for a different spell that could deactivate magic items or destroy them (including dispel magic, greater dispel magic, disjunction, antimagic field, antimagic ray, shatter, disintegrate, polymorph any object). He most certainly tried, going through a roulette of attempts to get past me. He ended up just trying to blast me, but he turned out to not have Searing Spell, and was thus unable to harm me (gheden troll-blooded human using ring of universal energy immunity).

DigoDragon

2014-07-22, 07:04 AM

I actually read this in Raven's voice and it was glorious.

I am now reading all of Amaya's lines in Raven's voice.

Raven was a major influence in how I delivered Amaya's lines. It was sometimes hard to speak in a deadpan voice when the jokers at the table were acting up though. :smallbiggrin:

Erik Vale

2014-07-22, 10:00 AM

Note: Different DM on tuesdays. And 5th Ed.

DM: So [Ranger] takes 10 electricity damage, the [Other Mage] Takes 6 Electricity Damage, and [Me] Takes 12 Electricity Damage]
Me: Shocking.
*Pause of laughter*
Peanut Gallery: You take another 2 thunder damage for the pun.
DM: No... No I liked that one. He delivered it well.

[Ranger]: I'm running.
[Other Mage]: It wasn't me that attacked you! Don't attack me!
DM: Roll Diplomacy.
[Other Mage]: ... 1
DM: The three still angry willowisps gang up on [Me] and you take *Rolls* 22 Damage [My origional HP]
Me: Ok... I would be dead on -12, but that's survivable in next...
*Is healed a few turns later*
Me: So... What do you think of my new 'fro?

DM: No, The only magical evening, which was a bad one, tonight was with [Ranger] and his duaghter's guardian [Pixie].
Me: So... Is he openly fey?
*Table dies laughing for a few minutes, DM included*
DM: Erik... You can't keep doing that.

[[Thing's I'm no longer allowed to do only refereed to elves, not human rangers]]

DM: After waiting for the someone to finish picking the lock a dockworker like person looks at you in surprise. Your held action?
Me: *Rolls* Sleep spell affecting 28 HP.
DM: He promptly falls on his face.
Me: Good, Rogue, come here and stand gaurd, kick him when I say. I cast dancing lights, conjuring four orbs of magic which I juggle, and tell [rogue] to kick the smuggler awake.
DM: Upon waking up the smuggler looks from the goblin to the mage juggling balls of magic and immidiately say "I want to turn myself into the police!"
Me: I catch the balls and glare at him.

Sampi

2014-07-22, 10:12 AM

No context? Sure.

"It's an ethereal undead abomination from Hell, but the question is: Will It Blend?"

Yes, it did blend.

Sith_Happens

2014-07-23, 12:10 AM

Players 1 & 2: *walk into room*
DM: [To Player 3] "So do you shiv Pun-Pun?"
Players 1 & 2: *double-take*

"You caught me, I'm actually a sentient bag of oranges."

"...My computer just autocorrected 'oranges' to 'organs.' Quote, 'You caught me, I'm actually a sentient bag of organs.'"
"Technically he is."
"YOU ARE TECHNICALLY CORRECT, THE BEST KIND OF CORRECT."

Player 1: "...Oops, did I say CR-3? I meant -4. Whatever, this thing's not actually that tough. Or rather, it wouldn't if [PC 2] wasn't in prison with nothing but a loincloth."
Player 2: "What makes you think I'm wearing a loincloth?"

Player 1: "With all this whooshing it must be Temoc."
Player 2: "...I definitely wouldn't want to encounter a Temoc in D&D."
Player 3: "What's a Temoc?"
Player 2: "It's UTD's mascot, look it up."
Player 1: "It's horrifying."

PC 1: "I participate in the hoedown."
PC 2: "No you don't."
PC 1: "I participate in the hoedown."
PC 2: "NO YOU DON'T."
Player 3: [In East-Texas accent] "Uh oh, looks like this is winding up to be a hoedown throwdown."
Player 4: "...Just leave."

"So I was looking for the Bard and found the bar. Again."

"You find that you are married to nearly half the village."

"Who sprayed mustard all over my sink?"
"Are you sure that's not your vomit?"

"Shockingly, the Barbarian is good at hitting things."

"I'm sorry, but nudity is forbidden by city ordinance."
"Well you see that's a problem. To get pants I need to get into the city, but to get into the city I need pants."

"Please put us in a situation where I can ballroom twerk."
"That's called 'being in a ballroom.'"

Sartharina

2014-07-23, 12:37 AM

DM: The Dragon swoops down on [Player 1]
P1: It's terrifying!
P2: It was inevitable.
DM: ... Okay, no more Dwarf Fortress for either of you.

DigoDragon

2014-07-23, 07:14 AM

Amaya: "I assume you want to know my new stat gains?"
GM: "Nope, I'll totally guess them and be surprised."
Amaya: "Then it looks like I'll be winning."
GM: "I guess -1 on all stats."
Amaya: "And I lose..."

GM: "You find a contact- John Preston."
Amaya: "I should write this down."
GM: "No, you should set it on fire."
Ronnie: "Hello, now you're playing my song!"
Erik: "What song is-"
Ronnie: "Shut up, it's all my song!"

Erik: "Huh, I think I got a location on Forward Motion. They're not local."
Amaya: "Are they within driving distance?"
Erik: "Relative to the continent- Wyoming."
Ronnie: "Wyoming? What country is that?"
Erik & Amaya: "... ..."
Ronnie: "What?"

Amaya: "Okay, so we know the truck was registered 2 years ago."
Ronnie: "Hello, so we set the Wayback Machine back in time 2 years and-"
Amaya: "I have a better idea."

Erik: "I'm resisting the urge."

BGN Millivrey: "Amaya is your name? I'm Brigadier General Millivrey."
Amaya: "Your knuckles spell COBRA. Have you killed a man?"
BGN Millivrey: "We're getting off the subject."

GM: "So you go back to the apartment, I mean hotel room. What do you do?"
Amaya: "Without Nicolette around, I will reenact the famous Tom Cruise scene in just socks, bra, and panties."
Erik: *Hums piano start of Old Time Rock-n-Roll*
Ronnie: "Hello, just take those records off the shelf..."

Amaya: (Drunk) "I like my men like my OPRI cases."
Erik: "???"
Amaya: "Covered in bees!"
Ronnie: "Are you hanging around me too much?"

Jimmy: "Have you heard of project 'Blue Book'?"
Amaya: (Rolls a 1) "You mean the books used on college tests?"

MOAR Quotes:
Amaya: "Wait. If Pablo is a skeleton then he has no lungs. How is he smoking that cigar?"
Jimmy: "Dunno, but it's lit and he's puffing smoke rings."
Amaya: "That just raises even more questions!"

Amaya: *Casts Change Self and disguises herself as an adult blonde woman*
Ronnie: "Hello, new magic trick."
Amaya: "And it worked. I wonder if I could make this last longer?"
Ronnie: "Hello, that's what she said."

GM: "Okay Amaya, make reflex saves until tomorrow."
Amaya: "One... two... three..."
Dice: *Rolls a 1*
GM: "BOOM! Three..."

GM: "The guy stops for a moment, blinks, then continues on."
Amaya: "What, does my magical aura have a flavor? Rosemary sage with a hint of jail bait?"

GM: "You look behind the desk and notice... uh, porn mags."
Ronnie: *Yoink* "Hello, for medicinal purposes."

GM: "The ore is stacked in layers wrapped in a layer of rice paper... sealed in a block of resin... sealed in a block of depleted uranium... cherry on top... I forgot where I was going with this."

Amaya: "Hey Ronnie, Wanna try out some Invisibility Voodoo?"
Ronnie: "Hello, can't be seen by people? Sure, hit me!"
Amaya: "Okay, here we-"
Suspecious Employee: (Bursts in) "Is everything okay?"
Amaya: (Aborts spell suddenly) "Gah! ...Yeah. Yes, everything is fine."
Employee: *Slowly leaves, eyeing Amaya*
Amaya: "New friend to add to my FaceBook hit list."

Amaya: "Well, I got this." (Holds up ingot of Aluminum)
Erik: "Isn't that stealing?"
Amaya: "My paycheck is signed by the Feds. I call it a seizure."
Ronnie: "Hello, it's like stealing. Don't steal, the government hates competition."

Ronnie: "Hello, expanding to fill all spossible space. This room is mine!"

Amaya: "Hey Ronnie, stop the SUV."
Ronnie: "Hello? Okay, what's up?"
Amaya: "...Chinese fire drill!" (Gets out)
Ronnie: "Hello, I know this one!" (Dives out)
Erik: "Wait, what?"
Amaya: (Gets into the driver's seat)
Ronnie: "Hello, I just got punked, didn't I?"
Amaya: =^_^=
Erik: "Do you even know how to drive, Amaya?"
Amaya: "...Not yet."

Amaya: (Drives SUV with no issues through a rural area) "See, I haven't killed you this time Ronnie."
Ronnie: "Hello, let's not make this into a pet project... Though it could make my life exciting."
Erik: "Uh, can I get a say in this? Seeing as I'm in the car too?"
Ronnie: "Shut up, you're just the brains here. What do you know."

Amaya: "Ok, I park the SUV-"
GM: "You Pachinko the SUV down the mine shaft, off the floors and ceilings, over a bridge, and land it between the lines in the hotel lot."
Ronnie: "Like a glove."

Amaya: "It stands to reason that since this is a pure Aluminum mine, Maritza is making a mint here. I'm sure she didn't afford that fancy car on a teacher's salary."
Maritza: "More like a thousand teacher salaries."
Amaya: "...right. So if someone wants to make Mithril, they have to force Maritza out to make the millions for themselves."
Maritza: (Spinning in her chair) "Already do." :D
Amaya: "I both love and hate that woman."
Maritza: *Falls out of her chair to the floor* "Hmm, I should vacuum under my desk."

Ronnie: "Criminy, so if your workforce is all undead workers, then it's like Day of the Dead everyday."
Amaya: "Every shift is Graveyard shift? ...damn you Ronnie. I've been hanging around you too long."
Ronnie: "Ha ha ha! I'm rubbing off."
Amaya: "Like a bad stench."

asnys

2014-07-23, 09:23 AM

Just another fan of Amaya chiming in here. :smallsmile: Just out of curiosity, if you don't mind my asking, what's her character build?

Marnath

2014-07-23, 09:26 AM

Just another fan of Amaya chiming in here. :smallsmile: Just out of curiosity, if you don't mind my asking, what's her character build?

Also, are there character portraits of these people? I'm not good at visualizing things, not that you've described them in text either of course. :smalltongue:

Prince Raven

2014-07-23, 09:30 AM

Also, are there character portraits of these people? I'm not good at visualizing things, not that you've described them in text either of course. :smalltongue:

http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/14/149324/3491590-7519180859-Raven.jpg

DigoDragon

2014-07-23, 11:34 AM

Just out of curiosity, if you don't mind my asking, what's her character build?

Also, are there character portraits of these people?

http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/14/149324/3491590-7519180859-Raven.jpg

Amaya's build was Smart Hero 3/Mage 3 at this point.
I remember her having as feats: Magical Heritage, Eschew Materials, and Personal Firearms Proficiency.

No character portraits exist from this group, but Prince Raven's image link is pretty much the look Amaya was based on. Hair was black though.

asnys

2014-07-23, 01:47 PM

Thank you kindly!

Apropos

2014-07-23, 02:14 PM

"I offer the demon guards a bong and hope they get too high to notice us sneaking past."

Socksy

2014-07-24, 08:10 PM

"I think I accidentally turned Euclid into some sort of fey abomination."

SickBritKid

2014-07-25, 03:43 AM

Me: So in addition to my dire wolf, Harold(my Shield Guardian) was also in the room while I and the ambassador were sharing my bed...watching. He saw everything.

DigoDragon

2014-07-25, 07:37 AM

GM: "Ronnie, do you have 'Sense Motive'?"
Ronnie: "No, I'm a good cop."

Amaya: "You might not want to annoy the foreman."
Ronnie: "Ronnie doesn't care who he annoys. Ronnie... is talking in the 3rd person for some reason."

GM: "And Ronnie is defenestrated out his suit's face plate."

GM: "The ceiling starts collapsing."
Amaya: "Running for the exit."
Ronnie: "Hello, run farther in! I'm on to something here."
Amaya: "Sorry, but there's something that prevents me from going forward."
GM: "Childhood trauma?"
Amaya: "Self-preservation."

GM: "Nicolette butt-scoots down the shaft."

Ronnie: "Hello, it's like someone ripped open a garbage bag full of Kate Moss down here."

GM: "Congratulations, you just doubled Jimmy's stomach acid count."
Nicolette: "What, is he popping Tums like Skittles?"
Ronnie: "Hello, order the boss up a pepto milkshake."

GM: "Amaya, Ronnie- You both end up in a pocket of cave."
Amaya: "Uh... do we see the hole we came from?"
GM: "No, pocket of cave."
Ronnie: (Unzips his helmet) "Hmmm..."
Amaya: "Don't do that! Is there breathable air? You don't know!"
Ronnie: (Inhales air) "Hello, seems alright to me."

GM: "Nicolette, you notice Pablo shy away from a strange Holy Symbol drawn on the wall."
Nicolette: "What does it say?"
Alexander: "We Want Jelly Donuts."

GM: "Ronnie, as you sit in the pocket and ponder the situation, you seem to recall reading something on the internet about a type of creature called Knockers."
Ronnie: "Ha ha ha... I was looking up something else when I stumbled upon that, didn't I?"
Amaya: "Gee, I wonder what that could be..."

Ronnie: *Pulls out a sandwich, takes a few bites, then tosses the rest*
Amaya: "We failed to find what was causing the equipment failure and now we're trapped underground, but it's okay! Ronnie had Subway for lunch."
Ronnie: "It was Quiznos, get it right."
Amaya: "Like it makes a difference?"
GM: "You both are suddenly teleported back outside the mine entrance next to the bomb squad robot."
Amaya: "Wat."
Ronnie: "You were saying?" (Victory Pose)

Amaya: "My life was saved by a torpedo sandwich."

Ronnie: "Was that ever linked together?"
GM: "What, that sombreros came from France?"

Maritza: "I don't suppose for the remainder of the meeting we could gag Ronnie?"
Nicolette: "Can Do!"
Erik: *Pulls out a roll of duct tape*
Ronnie: "We're unhello now."

eulmanis12

2014-07-25, 11:47 AM

All from the same game

Keeping my off hand on my flintlock, I coldcock the Jazz Musician.

the entire group. LEEEEP-REEEE-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

This here whatsit, Tommy Gun? I think you called it. It look's to be a fine rifle, but where's the ramrod?

So Julius Caesar was just trampled by my AT-AT, what am I supposed to do now.

I bake a birthday cake with roman candles

Our Leader: here's the report, Battle Brother Marcus is swordfighting with a Centurion, Captain Black Jack O'Malley's piloting the F 86, Avatar Yoshi is holding off the baron's Clanks with a wall of fire, that just leaves Runs With Grizzleys to reprogram HAL.
Our Boss: So the mission is about to fail then?
Our Leader: No Sir! Everything is going according to plan.

WHERE DID SUN TZU GET A PANZERKAMFWAGON MARK IV!!?

Unscrewed

2014-07-25, 09:34 PM

From my old Genius: The Transgression game.

Alvin: I tell Vatman to push the cops, then run off!

Storyteller: Umlaut, as you roll up, you can see that miserable hobo's sub-hobo servant in cuffs, two cops, one bored-looking EMT, and squatting in the shadow of a building across from where the action is, a peculiar black silhouette. What are you doing?

Alvin: DMPA is Defense Materials Procurement Agency, right?
Storyteller: Close: "Defense Medical Programs Activity." Which means you've triggered a bioterrorism alert.
Alvin: HELLS YEAH!

Dr. Umlaut: You're so predjudiced. Just because I'm a nazi, I must be a war criminal!

Alvin: No social skills? Who was it that took over the crime scene?
Kyle:: Da hobo.
Alvin: Exact- HEY!

Kid Jake

2014-07-26, 02:37 AM

More from my Pathfinder group.

PC1: "In return for my services, I want you and your beasts TOTAL obedience when I call upon you. I want you at my beck and call at a moment's notice from now until I release you!."
Unicorn: "Hrm...do us this service manflesh and the next time you seek us out, we will speak with you instead of walking further into the forest until you go away."
PC1: "I'll take it!"

Unicorn: "The creatures of the lake are weak and ignorant. They are of no threat."
PC1: "The creatures in the lake keep kidnapping our people and eating them."
Unicorn: "Oh, we meant that the creatures of the lake are of no threat...to us."

PC1: "Your guard attempted to extort me for admittance, what kind of place are you running here?"
Dwarven Merchant Guild Leader: "My apologies." *rings a bell* "The man outside is an imbecile of no further use to us. Have him beaten, sodomized and thrown into the lake. If he ever sets foot in town again, cut off his feet and do it again."
PC1: "Dear gods, all that because of a little extortion?"
DMGL: "No, because he let you in. Now, you have until my guard is replaced to tell me what you want."

PC1: "I challenge the DMGL to a duel!"
Me: "Very well, him and his garrison of soldiers accepts."
PC1: "No, wait...I've decided that duels are uncivilized."

PC2: "Alright, here's your gold. Now how do I know that he's alive?"
Bandit: "You don't! Now give me the gold and go away!"

*PC2 opens up a bag with PC1's severed head inside it, the shiny new badge that represents his place as the new sheriff stuffed into his own mouth*
PC2: "Well this is probably going to set us back."

PC1: "I'm just interested in which afterlife I got into."
Me: "The bad one."
PC1: "Which bad one?"
Me: "The worst one."
PC1: "Oh..."

PC1(new character): "Oh, I know of you and your evil deeds."
PC2: "And?"
PC1: "...what?"
PC2: "You know of my evil deeds and...? Just because you know about them doesn't mean I'm going to stop. I've got quite a few more evil deeds that I still plan on doing. Several before the day's up in fact. Are you going to stop me?"
PC1: "Well...no. Probably not...."

Cowardly Griffo

2014-07-26, 03:37 AM

GM: Roll... let's call it Int+Stealth to see if you remembered to put your phone on silent before breaking into an active crime scene.

Sartharina

2014-07-26, 03:45 AM

-snip-
What system are you running? It sounds awesome!

Alex12

2014-07-26, 06:50 AM

DM: It's those three goblins from the sewers, Mork, Mindy, and...shoot, what was the third one?
Me: The Great Gazoo?
DM: Yeah, him! They're busily disassembling the clockwork.

DM: He yells "INTRUDERS!" and draws his...nothing, at which point he realizes he doesn't have a weapon.

PC 1: I use Branding Pattern and Disrupting Pattern. *Rolls* Both hit. I deal...*Rolls a 1 and a 2* 17 damage.
DM: What the...How does that roll get you 17 damage at this level? The boss guy explodes in a burst of whatever kind of energy you're using, I still haven't really figured that out yet.
Me: And you were worried about me optimizing and breaking the game.

PC 2: Are you reconsidering your stance on pacifism as this fight continues?

Me: So hearing the scream of my ally, I push the cloud into the building until I encounter his unconscious and bleeding form.

DM: Okay, you guys gain 2 Fame Points.
PC 1: Probably mostly me. I took down like six of them.
DM: Yeah, but he's already kinda famous. I mean, he's even friendly with two different orders of Hellknights.

Cowardly Griffo

2014-07-26, 07:00 AM

PC 1: I use Branding Pattern and Disrupting Pattern. *Rolls* Both hit. I deal...*Rolls a 1 and a 2* 17 damage.
DM: What the...How does that roll get you 17 damage at this level? The boss guy explodes in a burst of whatever kind of energy you're using, I still haven't really figured that out yet.
Me: And you were worried about me optimizing and breaking the game.Well, sounds like somebody had an extra scoop of "misreading your class abilities" in their Wheaties that morning. :smalltongue:

(It's Int modifier, not Int score. Unless they somehow actually had 38 Intelligence at the time. I hope you guys caught that. :smalltongue:)

FidgetySquirrel

2014-07-26, 10:19 PM

I've posted this before in other threads, but it just amuses me so much.

DM: ...blah-blah... something about the guards being mages in gold robes with a scarlet trim... blah-blah

*fast forward a little while*

DM: Tycho, you see a shady-looking fellow go down an alley.

Tycho: I'll follow him and try not to get noticed.

DM: Roll stealth. *rolls* Okay, he doesn't turn around or anything and you follow him around the corner. You reach a dead end. Roll spot. *rolls* You see no trace of the guy.

Tycho: I'll take 20 on a search check.

DM: All right, after a few minutes you hear someone behind you ask in a concerned sounding voice 'What are you doing?'

Tycho: I turn around.

DM: You see a young man in gold robes with a scarlet trim. 'Is everything all right?' he says.

Tycho: I WANT TO JOIN THE BLACKHAWKS! (which would be an assassin's guild, by the way)

DM: Oh you do, do ya? All right, come with me.

Tycho then found himself escorted right to a prison cell. He had 18 INT and 14 WIS. Playing to your character's strengths at it's finest!

bulbaquil

2014-07-26, 10:54 PM

P2: "I retrieve it."
GM: "You retrieve his s***."
P2: "No, I retrieve mine!"
GM: "You retrieve your s***."

P4: "[My character's] contemplating destroying the cosmos!"
P2: "...That's not a very Lawful Good act."

P3: "Does he have a 'fro?"
P2: "He's seven!"

P1: "So he's evil? How is he not going to kill us?"
P2: "Just because you're evil doesn't mean you have to kill everyone you come across."
GM: "Hello, two evil NPCs who are following the party."

Cowardly Griffo

2014-07-27, 02:01 AM

Connor: It's a hybrid car.
Malachi: Oh... so it's half car, and half what?

GM: So what's your lair look like, Dana?
Dana: It's your standard upscale haunted slum area.

GM: Yes, they shut the lights off in the school during the summer. City can't afford to keep it lit 24/7.
Malachi: No no, it's cool, it's a hybrid school.

Dana: The moon's out and I still don't have any fur. Do you have any idea what that's like?
Malachi: I can relate. Believe me, I'd much rather be at home, in my bubble bath, watching a crappy sci-fi movie.
Alpha Wererat: Freakin' one-percenter.
Malachi: Bubble bath costs 98 cents. Per gallon.
Alpha Wererat: Whatever. I've got like three more dumpsters to go through.

DigoDragon

2014-07-27, 09:19 AM

Amaya: "You can make money on the subsidies by growing corn."
Nicolette: "Some people are allergic to coin."
Amaya: "Growing coin? Is this a new cash crop?"

Alexander: *Eats some chips; suddenly coughs, chokes, and smokes*
Nicolette: "Ah, here's the problem- Jalapeno chips."
Alexander: "It's... spicy... so the cleric is walking by... breathing fire..."
Nicolette: "Father Lord Sauron?"
Amaya: "He's been reading the Hobbit again, hasn't he?"

Ronnie: "Hello, his real name is Michael, but we called him Waldo because we could never find him."

GM: "'Cause you can't fish in water."

Amaya: "Anyone know a pizza place that delivers out here?"
Two-year old, OOC: "Cook!" (Sounded like the alternate word for 'rooster' to some)
Table: *Breaks down into laughter*

Alexander: "I cast Keel Minor Wounds... wait."
Nicolette: "Congrats, you've weaponized the Russian accent."

Nicolette: "Secondly, I call the IRS. The IRS can pull an audit on any one, anytime, anywhere, for anything."
Ronnie: "Sun's up- AUDIT!"

Ronnie: "Welcome to Funky Town, population- Hello!"

GM: "I don't like those kinds of parties. I wake up bleeding and in a skirt."
Nicolette: "Oh, you were at that tupperwear party too?"

Erik: "Why do you have hairy fishermen in your pants?"
Ronnie: "Hello, Sailors dude, sailors! Underpants Navy! Work with the metaphor here."
Alexander: "What did I miss and why do I not want to know?"

Amaya: "That was the strangest 30 bucks I ever spent."

Nicolette: "We're looking for Frank."
Supervisor: "We haven't seen Frank come in today."
Ronnie: "Frank hasn't appeared to give a damn. Haha, word play."

Nicolette: "Maritza, would you like to join the team as a consultant?"
Amaya: "There goes my job security."
Maritza: "Silly, but you are out in the field and not stuck running a multi-billion-dollar company making millions. I'm just too good for you."
Ronnie: "Hello, are you single?"

Kish

2014-07-27, 09:40 AM

Alexander: *Eats some chips; suddenly coughs, chokes, and smokes*
Nicolette: "Ah, here's the problem- Jalapeno chips."
Alexander: "It's... spicy... so the cleric is walking by... breathing fire..."
Nicolette: "Father Lord Sauron?"
Amaya: "He's been reading the Hobbit again, hasn't he?"
Don't be silly; Sauron's not a character in the Hobbit. That would have been Father Smaug.

Sith_Happens

2014-07-27, 04:46 PM

Connor: It's a hybrid car.
Malachi: Oh... so it's half car, and half what?

I am so using this joke in real life.

GorinichSerpant

2014-07-27, 04:51 PM

Table: *Breaks down into laughter*

I am going to interpret this literally and assume you play on a sentient table until proven otherwise.

Socksy

2014-07-27, 06:02 PM

I am going to interpret this literally and assume you play on a sentient table until proven otherwise.

You just made me laugh so hard I almost woke up my family

ZeroGear

2014-07-27, 08:01 PM

"I wish to bite whoever those are."

[PC1]: "Urge to bite rising..."
[PC2]: "Urge to eat souls rising..."

"Oh no they've caged the hulk."

"Make a fortitude save to eat food. DC 6. The DC is higher against taco bell."

"You make the fire with your goat horns."

"Do I know what Portals smell like?"

[DM]: "I assume you don't want to attract the cyclops's ire."
[PC3]: "Ha! Eye-er."

"I step forward and channel energy! Ba-ba-baaaaaaa!"

"You definetely can't self apply the head of Vecna."

[PC1]: "I think being a ram gives penalties to intimidate."
[DM]: "Yeah, the goat doesn't successfully scare the cyclops."

"I'm a soul-ologist, not a natureologist."

"I try to smell not like a dog."

"I follow the bleeding eyed goat through the dog."

"The mage killed something on a charge."

"Do I age when I'm dead?"

"It's hard to carry and use money as a dog."

"Aw man, we would have saved your life! if you weren't immortal."

"I was about to argue semantics about whether we were arguing semantics."

"I am forbidden by the gods themselves to awaken Murder Princess."

DigoDragon

2014-07-28, 07:13 AM

I am going to interpret this literally and assume you play on a sentient table until proven otherwise.

LOL :smallbiggrin:

I can't remember what became of that table.

"Do I know what Portals smell like?"

Like Science?

Cristo Meyers

2014-07-28, 07:21 AM

"Do I know what Portals smell like?"

Like Science?

Like Victory.

This was a truimph...

DigoDragon

2014-07-28, 09:14 AM

GM: "So how long did you expect to hang around and see if your food plan works?"
Amaya: "A day or two at the most."
Alexander: "More importantly, the workers are undead. Those bodies must have come from somewhere."
Ronnie: "They came from nowhere."
Amaya: "So they're nobodies?"

GM: "Welcome to Brigadier Cardinal First Class."

Ronnie: "My last awesome character was 'Captain Default'."
GM: "So you were Todd?"
Ronnie: "Hello, Todd only defaulted on skills he didn't have."
Amaya: "And what, you default on skills you do have?"

Alexander: "I knew a guy who lived in Nagasaki. He went on a business trip to Hiroshima, got nuked, survived, came back home to Nagasaki, and got nuked again."
GM: "What is this?"
Ronnie: "Bad luck in World War One... Two... Seven..."

Alexander: "I pull out my cell phone with a picture of my holy symbol on it. I yell Back, Foul Demon!"

Alexander: "I'm curious on how Maritza is going to return the bodies."
Ronnie: "Hello, she probably kept the receipt."

Amaya: "I spend my time at the hotel, making healing potions."
Alexander: "Don't you need 'Craft (Chemical)' to make potions?"
Amaya: "I have that skill, and it is high enough that I can improvise with the hotel room's sink and a bottle of vodka."
GM: "I am totally allowing this."
Alexander: "Vodka? that's the best kind of healing potion."
Nicolette: "I love magic."

GM: "Looks like a meth lab, smells like a vodka."

Amaya: "I'm surprised no one has thought of alcoholic flavored healing potions yet."
Ronnie: "Hello, you're going to make a mint off this idea!"
Amaya: "In two years I could be a wealthy businesswoman."
Ronnie: "And legal."
Amaya: "..."
Ronnie: "Too soon?"

Ronnie: "Hello, I'm giving up Pablo for Rent."
GM: "What was that? You give him up for Rent?"
Ronnie: "Hello, whatever pays the bills." (Picks up Pablo) "Do you take a check?"

Alexander: "I have my badge out."
Amaya: "I stay to the side. A badge won't do diddly in this stampede."
Alexander: "Well, I wait until the crowd passes."
Amaya: "Then what? You going to open fire with that badge?"

Alexander: "I shall anoint thy feet with lead."
GM: "???"
Alexander: "Well how else do I... defeat them?"
Ronnie: "That's not an easy feat."
GM: "Ugh. Bad puns."
Nicolette: "Lead with your best foot forward?"
GM: (Beating his own head against the table)

Nicolette: "Does any spell have a modifier of 'Please'?"

GM: "Does Ronnie follow Amaya?"
Ronnie: "Ronnie is inexplicably intoxicated."
Amaya: "Do you get high off the fumes of battle?"
Nicolette: "Or the diesel engines of the Metro?"

Nicolette: "There is no such thing in any realm called Healing Malice."

SickBritKid

2014-07-28, 08:00 PM

"You now possess a giant condom of black goop."

Erik Vale

2014-07-28, 08:41 PM

I've a feeling that doesn't make much more sense in context.

[Level 1 Scout]: Hah, the level 1 is doing better than the level 5 mage.
[Me, Throwing acid splash badly]: I don't think you quite get that is a golem, I've been told no to glitterdust, my only other no SR spell is Acid Splash, and I'm just a sorcerer. And that you're being allowed critical hits with your precision damage.
*This repeats several times. :smallsigh:*

Me OOC: Ok, so the only loot we actully got from this adventure, is a big fricking diamond worth 20k that the druid [Level 8] wont sell and is keeping, and the magical chisel the the druid broke. And no one else sees a problem with this?
Druid: Ok.. I use stone shape to cut it into neat quaters for each charater to do what they want with, which is 5K of diamond each.
DM: :smallconfused: It doesn't quite work like that.

Necroticplague

2014-07-28, 09:20 PM

Shibu: Crap. The cops are here!
Naix: C'mon, between the two of us, they probably can't even stand a chance.
Slaba: Um, they couldn't possibly be looking for you guys.
Naix: What about the long list of murders and corpse desecrations?
Shibu: Pretty sure that aberrations from beyond time and possibly space aren't protected by the law.
Slaba: And even if they did, the desecration doesn't leave much in terms of evidence.
Sibu'splayer:Wait, aren't you suppossed to at least act like our concience? Shouldn't you be recomending we use this oppurtunity to see if we can get instituitionalized?
Slaba'splayer: Screw that, I've given up at this point. The best I can hope is hoping that I'm not culpable enough to send me to the Abyss later on. Which is why I try and not heal you, so the resultant rampage can't be considered my fault.
Naix'splayer: But by constantly hanging around with us and not stopping us, aren't you culpable?
Slaba'splayer: I'm sure heaven will understand my sense of self-preservation at not trying to piss off two homicidal cannibals. If I try and turn you in, I'd put every prisoner/patient, every guard, myself, and probably all of the families of the above at risk, knowingly. At least this way, your boredom and appetite are aimed at somewhat deserving targets.

Sith_Happens

2014-07-28, 10:59 PM

[OOC:] "Oh, I get it, I was on Yelp. That still doesn't explain why the menu link redirected me to Liberty Mutual, though."

[OOC:] "For $100 and closed windows, yes, I would definitely strip right here and now."

"Colored nails are totally a thing for men."
"I, for example, have sort of beige-pinkish colored nails."
"...In that case, one of us is going to have to change."

"I sling the giant condom over my shoulder."

PC 1: "I make a Wisdom check to control the black slime." *rolls* "Natural 20."
DM: "Um..."
PC 2: "It is now your Warforged manservant."
DM: "...Yes."
PC 1: "My golden Warforged manservant?"
DM: "...Sure, why not."
PC 2: "Technically, it's your golden Warforged manservant still stuck in a giant condom."

NPC: "Where have you been? It's felt like months."
PC: "It's been two days."
NPC: "...Are you sure?"
PC: "What, are you actually a Wizard turned into a dog turned into an owl?"

PC: *sad trombone noise*
NPC: "Please, have more respect for the recently painting-fied."
PC: "What? It's a southern thing."

PC 1: "We stuffed a bunch [of the weapons] in [the female Beguiler]'s hole."
PC 2: *snicker* "We 'stuffed a bunch in [her] hole?'"
PC 1: "...What?":smallconfused:

"I leave and go to bed." *rolls*
"Why did roll for that?"
"I don't know."

PC 1: "After my strip-dance is finished, I summon a Fiendish Octopus."
Everyone Else: O_O

"Magic show: CONQUERED."

SickBritKid

2014-07-28, 11:07 PM

Me: So next session, I'm gonna have [my ranger] marry- I mean murder [the dwarf character]!

eulmanis12

2014-07-29, 12:21 AM

All from a LARP I play at called the Eras Chronicals

Elden: Oy Falkirk. I 'eard a song about you.
John Falkirk: hic, really, they wrote a song about Me?
Elden: (singing) Let me tell you a little story, bout a man named Johnny Kirk, he was a hard-drinking sonofaminer, always drunk at work...

Group (IC): ... Wey hey and up she rises early in the morning
DM: Ok boys, its 9 o-clock and the game is over
Group (OOC): (Without missing a beat) Its 9 o-clock and the game is over, 9 o-clock and the game is over, 9 o-clock and the game is over, EARLY IN THE MORNING!

Nick: John, today we truly do have something to celebrate, as, for the first time in recorded history, an animal has come in to town from the woods, and not immediately attempted to murder you,
John: Actually, that bear was suffering from a debilitating sickess, it was barely able to stand, let alone fight, and was also disoriented and delirious
Nick: Oh, well, uh, that explains it then, never mind
John: It also tried to eat me after I had it healed.

John: I think I'll sit this one out, I've grown rather attached to my internal organs
Forrester: They can fix that you know

crowd of people: somebody help us! this man is dying
Squire Stavros: Who is it
Person: He said his name was Jim Filclark or some such
Stavros: @*#%! FALKIRKS DYING AGAIN! SOMEBODY GET ON THAT!
(nobody moves)
Stavros: If he dies someone else will have to take over his job
(Every healer in the area sprints over)

John: So where is Squire Umbernathi
Stavros: See that red stain right there?
John: WHAT HE'S BEEN MURDERED!
Stavros: What? No! he's fetching a mop, and a new bottle of wine

IAmTehDave

2014-07-29, 01:52 AM

Amaya: "That was the strangest 30 bucks I ever spent."
Reminds me of a friend of mine who has a story about "The best $10 he ever made"

"You definetely can't self apply the head of Vecna."
I did that adventure. It ended with a fat, drunken dwarf flying out of that cave with a massive explosion behind it. It was glorious.

Tax:

DM: You guys were supposed to run when you saw the imperial mage get diced by those eviscerators. This was not supposed to be an encounter you fought.
PC1: Well it's not like we don't kill those mages in one round anyway. And besides, only one of us died, and he's the lowbie.

DM: <PC2's character> is dead. I'll get back to you when your initiative comes around.
<PC2's turn involves RPing in waiting room of heaven, his ex-bandit comrades convince him to go back>
PC1: So he gets to use his Act of God? (houserule)
PC2: Well, <character> doesn't worship a god.
PC1: Alright, well considering the circumstances, should we call it an Act of Piracy?
DM: That works for me.

Erik Vale

2014-07-29, 09:10 AM

[Note: Having to roleplay for a crude NPC, DM permission]
*fighting, female Halfling rogue ducking in and out of human male legs for stealth.*

"How about you steel my belt buckle on the way out next time?"

---
DM: The gargoyle beetle oozes blood and organs, quite thoroughly dead.
[Me to Rogue]: See, I want you to make me ooze like that, but white and without organs.

----
DM: [Rogues] arrow pins the gargoyle beetle to the ground, and it stops moving.
Rogue: If you keep it up I'll do that to [Me].
Me: How about you do it without the arrow.

----

Goblin: I swig the dwarves vodka!
DM: Roll fort.
Goblin: 21 with a nat 20!
DM: You manage not to gag as you gulp down the dwarven mine brew, and you think you taste methonal. The save was 20.
Goblin: I offer it to the party.
Party: ... Noooooooo...

DM: You think death is a way out of taxes? Your in the adventurers guild, death causes taxes!

Maybe more to come.

Tetraplex

2014-07-29, 02:59 PM

Guizonde

2014-07-29, 06:58 PM

"you know, i'm pretty sure it's overkill throwing a nuke into a dumpster..."

"(my pc's get infected with lsd-like pollen)
pc1: woah, trippy, i can taste sound!
pc2: meh, reminds me of qaalude tuesdays. BORING!"

"pc: you seriously just granted me knowledge (4th wall)??"

"pc: is that thing dead or just sexy?"

"pc:right, unfold the folding stock first, then blow the heads off."

"pc to other pc: just because i french-kissed you does not mean you will grow dreadlocks."

Sith_Happens

2014-07-29, 10:37 PM

PC 1: "No, [PC 2] was still dressed when I put him in my bed."
PC 3: "Oh my."

*everyone rolls initiative*
DM: "[PC], your Bard starts to play inappropriate music."
Other Player: *finds Vocaloid cover of Ievan Polkka*

Enemy: "**** you, get off me!"
PC: "I'll get you off, but I won't get off you."

"Hm... let me flip a coin."
*flip*
"I definitely do something involving your lap."

PC: "Hey [Wizard contact]." *tap tap tap on communication orb* "Hey [Wizard]." *tap tap tap* "Hey [Wizard]." *tap tap tap*
DM: "The image of an elderly man in boxer shorts appears in the orb."
Wizard: "Ugh, what do you want, do you have any idea what time it is?"
PC: "Dawn. Haven't you heard? Early to bed and early to ride makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
Wizard: "I'm already wise, you ***hole."

DM: "Pop quiz, how much of that [exposition] was I making up on the spot?"
Player: "Half?"
DM: "All of it."
Player: "When in doubt, Fate of the World."

DigoDragon

2014-07-30, 07:58 AM

GM: "Let's see, Ronnie had an idea..."
Ronnie: "That should be worth +1 level per idea."
Amaya: "So you've dropped down to level 3?"
Ronnie: "Are you counting my bad ideas against me?"
Amaya: "Ah, so you can do the math."

GM: "Who wants experience points?"
Alexander & Amaya: "I do!"
GM: "Since you two said that at the same time, you both must fight to the death for experience points."
Amaya: *Rolls a 4*
Alexander: *Rolls a 4*
GM: "Okay, you somehow manage to kill each other..."

Nicolette: "Look, you turned pink, not Elton John."

Ronnie: (Checks the body's liquefied eyes) "Hello, did the body come this way?"
Mortician: "Yes. It was dropped off with a note that someone would be coming by to check it out."
Ronnie: "Hello, this isn't covered under warranty."

GM: "I can't tell if she's wearing vibrating panties or is having a seizure."
Nicolette: "Well she is foaming at the mouth."
GM: "Still could be either."

GM: "The car is... okay, I blanked on the name. It starts with an M and named after a planet."
Nicolette: "Mars!"
Ronnie: "That's... not a car name. Hello, I own a 2008 Uranus Loose, 4 door."

Alexander: "I'll cast Bless, 30' radius. It gives everyone +1 to attack and Resist Fear."
Nicolette: "So instead of us all quickly shouting 'Crap!' together it's more staggered like a barber shop quartet?"
Alexander: "Ohhh-"
Nicolette: "Ohhh-"
Ronnie: "Ohhh-"
GM: "Ohhh-"
All together: "Craaaaaap!"
Amaya: "No."

Nicolette: "You have been demoted to undead skeletal poop. How do you feel?"

GM: "Then I found the Wooden Mind-Gem of the Gods. What the heck is it?"
Ronnie: "Hello, it's a pine cone."

Sartharina

2014-07-30, 03:18 PM

Dewani90

2014-07-31, 06:28 AM

Ranger: i eat some of this edible shrooms
DM: roll a willsave...
Ranger: why?
DM: you'll see...
Ranger: -rolls a 3, the will save was 5 or higher-
DM: okay, you just ate a spoiled shroom and now you hallucinating
Ranger: (talking in a stoned way) man, i think i can taste your auras guys... -Jamiroquai canned heat starts playing-
DM: oops sorry, i have to take this call...
-Everyone on the table laughs-

Paladin: you know, if the hydra can sprout more of the things you cut, we could cut a ton of penises from it and then we can make a flesh golem made of penises...
Female Warlock: i dunno what disturbs me more, the fact that a paladin is suggesting the creation of a thing you can only see on a hentai movie or the fact that i didn't tough about it first to disturb the now clearly disturbed priestess.

DM: no, you can't use a catapult to sneak attack someone...
Thief: oh come on, someone already used a ballista to do so in the internet.
Female Warlock: so how did he managed to drag that siege weapon we left outside to this small tavern?
Priestess: my question is why you let him steal all the clothes from the npcs in this tavern...
Thief: I'm planning to donate all the clothing to the orphanage
Paladin: you mean the orphanage you blew up just for kicks?
Thief: hey, the kids survived... now i wanna do something nice for them
DM: you guys are derailing the conversation to let the thief use the catapult right?
Female Warlock: you noticed?
Thief: dang, i was this close to do something epic...
DM: you had me going for a while... okay roll initiative...

DigoDragon

2014-07-31, 07:27 AM

Also - I lost it at the car comment, because I used to drive a '91 Mercury Grand Marquee.

The car comment was a brilliant one. Seemed like whenever Ronnie's player had something insightful to say I had pencil at the ready to quote him on it.

-Jamiroquai canned heat starts playing-

I love when unscripted music suddenly makes a scene better.

Lakaz

2014-07-31, 06:19 PM

"Check for a skeletal structure. CHECK FOR A SKELETAL STRUCTURE!"

"Aha! We have thwarted the mighty mole people with the power if metal floors!"

"I shall kill you for your crimes against hat-kind!"

"Look, if i don't initiate a friendly fire incident at least once a month, i get all twitchy and frustrated, and nobody wants that."

Sith_Happens

2014-07-31, 10:08 PM

"I get out of bed and put my pants and jacket on."
"Uh, you know that's going to take up at least your first turn, right?"
"I'm not fighting in the buff and I have a Dire Wolf and a Shield Guardian in here with me that can take care of things in the meantime."

NPC: "Would one of you please escort me back to my chambers where my [word] are?"
PC: "You mean you walked all the way down the hallway naked? You saucy woman."
NPC: "What? No, my clothes are right here next to the bed."
Player [to DM]: "But she asked us to 'escort her to her chambers where her garbs are.'"
DM: "GUARDS, I SAID 'GUARDS.'"
Player: "Oh."

Neli42

2014-08-01, 01:45 AM

GM: So who's going to take the bee for a walk?

GM: The candelabra does not consider you a threat at this time.

DigoDragon

2014-08-01, 04:26 PM

Alexander: "Excuse me, I'd like to continue living in my own delusional world."

GM: "He went to the home of infinite losers."
Nicolette: "Detroit?"

Nicolette: "What are you again?"
Ronnie: "I'm many things."
Nicolette: "Besides a moron, what classes do you have?"
Ronnie: "Uh... I have five hero classes. Two of something..."
GM: "Two Fast."
Ronnie: "Two Tough."
Amaya: "Too Furious?"
GM: "...No."
Ronnie: "And 1 Cucumber class."

GM: "It's a new day, what do you all do?"
Amaya: "I get up, I get dressed, and I go downstairs for breakfast."
Ronnie: "Hello, and the ratings drop 10-fold. Make with the nakey, chop chop!"
Amaya: "Not in this or ANY lifetime."
Alexander: "I'll go ahead and strip down."
GM: "Show canceled!!"

Amaya: "Does Amaya Miyagi have to choke a *itch?"

Ronnie: "Hello, do we want to chalk up Bloody Mary to 'Confirmed'?"
Jimmy: "Confirmed as to what?"
Nicolette: "If she was real or not."
Jimmy: "So... is she?"
Ronnie: "Hello, she grabbed me junk-first and tried to pull me into an episode of Star Trek!"

Cassie: "If a man named Romano wearing a black hat and bearing an unpleasant resemblance to Randall Flagg appears, it would be time to run."

Nicolette: "Would you like to go get something to eat?"
Woman: "I guess so."
Ronnie: "Hello, something without mirrors please."
Woman: "Um... err... wha..?"
GM: "Ronnie, what you said seemed to have gotten an unusual reaction from her."
Amaya: "Ronnie, the two wrongs that make a right."
Nicolette: "She's only semi-right."
Ronnie: "Hello, another 2 rights and I can make a left."

Amaya: "And now we have to arrest Bloody Mary and charge her with murder... this may be a first in the judicial system."
Cassie: "Hmm, does that mean the Defense Solicitor must make his a spirited defense? Does the Prosecutor stand a ghost of a chance to win?"
GM: "Arg! Lose eight levels."
Amaya: "So... half an elf minus 8 levels is... negative one-fifteenth-of-two a human. I think."
GM: "I don't like your maths. It goes to strange places conventional maths don't tread upon. Unfortunately, calc.exe doesn't even offer a setting for that. I think the closest setting I have is STUN."

GM: "Is Earth a planet?"
Nicolette: "Last I checked, yes."
Ronnie: "Largest planet in the world."

Jimmy: "Are you two okay?"
Ronnie: "You may get a call from the police because driving without rear-view mirrors and with bleeding eyes somehow doesn't sound safe."
Jimmy: "Is Amaya confident to drive?"
Ronnie: "Hello, not letting jailbait drive. She backed up my car into a fence and scratched the paint."
Amaya: "My face was blinded by duct tape! You were supposed to spot for me!"
Jimmy: "...what the hell?"

Erik: "It DOES disturb me that you're following one of Ronnie's ideas."
Amaya: "Well my idea involved burning the place down, but apparently in the state of Michigan there are laws against arson."

Ronnie: *Eats a magic muffin and feels better*
GM: "Heal 10 CON."
Amaya: "That's some muffin."
Ronnie: "Hello, want me to cough up some for you?" We can make out while I do that."
Amaya: "Ewww, I'm going to puke."
Ronnie: "Hello, that's my point."
Nicolette: "Regurgitating healing items. How novel."

Sith_Happens

2014-08-01, 05:29 PM

GM: "I don't like your maths. It goes to strange places conventional maths don't tread upon. Unfortunately, calc.exe doesn't even offer a setting for that. I think the closest setting I have is STUN."

ERROR: Laugh.exe is refusing commands to shut down.

Silus

2014-08-01, 07:45 PM

Ex-Republic Soldier: Can we get the Trandoshen a bear suit?

Transhoshen: Stop lubricating the human.

Kid Jake

2014-08-02, 01:46 AM

More from my new Pathfinder campaign; if my M&M players don't get together soon I might end up assembling these guys into a campaign journal to tide me over.

Me: "The door is locked and the wizard doesn't appear to be home, although there is a note tacked to the door."
PC1: "I read it."
Note: "PC1, seems there was a setback with your armor, I didn't have enough leather. Luckily I had just enough ink to write a Sepia Sigil."
*barely dodges*
PC1: "I break down the door."
Me: "You find yourself in his living room. The place is bare except for a note attached to the basement door..."

*In the process of burning down a wizard's town house.*
PC1: "Out of my way.
PC2: "Why?"
PC1: "Gotta kill your wizard!"
PC2: "Why? Why must you kill my wizard?"
PC1*shaking with rage*: "Because...wizard...must die!"

PC1: "I wildshape into a gorilla so that I can speak."
Me: "Gorilla's can't speak."
PC1: "Bull****, I saw Planet of the Apes and they seemed like they had a pretty good handle on it."

PC2: "Ha! The negotiations with the locathah are over. I just learned water breathing!"

PC1: "Haha! I survived, just barely; but I made it!"
*dice roll*
PC1: "What's that?"
Me: "The unicorn's second attack."
PC1: "Why is he so angry!?"

*PC2 physically wrestles PC1's gorilla out of a broken window despite the fact he's a feeble old man with like 8 strength.*
PC1*also being dragged kicking and screaming from the building*: "Why do you care about this so much?"
PC2:(Most responsible thing I've ever heard a player say) "Because I'm the mayor and he's a taxpayer, now stay out of his house!"

Silus

2014-08-02, 04:14 AM

From my last Star Wars game. Only context is that Church is a 42 year old Clone War vet:

Pilot: So Church is passed out drunk?
DM: Yeah.
Pilot: Well I slap him.
Church: *Soaks the damage and is still passed out*
Trandoshen: I smack him in the chest.
Church: *Soaks the damage again and is still passed out*
Trandoshen: *Irritated* I kick him in the groin. Mammels hate that.
Church: *Soaks the damage once again and is still passed out*
Everyone else: ...
Me (Church): *Long broken down into a fit of giggles*

Sith_Happens

2014-08-02, 11:58 AM

Only context is that Church is a 42 year old Clone War vet:

Based on Church from RvB? Please say yes.

Hunter Noventa

2014-08-02, 02:46 PM

Me: So if you're bitten by a radioactive halfling, do you get hairy feet and a voracious appetite?

Socksy

2014-08-02, 02:58 PM

"Is being good in bed linear or quadratic?"

Martin Greywolf

2014-08-02, 03:36 PM

Iroh: Our spies at the Palace report he's planning something for the Sozins' Comet.
Nameless: ...they aren't very good spies, are they?

Iroh: As you probably guessed, he wants to rule the world.
Nameless: <engages sarcasm> Oh, so that's what all those invasions were for!

Iroh: So we have just few days to kidnap Ozai.
Nameless: <goes to YouTube, plays this (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry7PcYtKPhA)>

Nameless: I'll just have to take the risk of giant mecha-spider.

Nameless: <grabs Ozai by the beard> Ty Lee, chi block, please.
Nameless: <after 3 minutes of non-stop pummeling> I think he's pretty chi blocked now.
Ty Lee: Oh, I was supposed to chi block him?

Nameless: <in front of Ozais' cell door> I don't know why, but I thought you'd be better than Zuko.

Silus

2014-08-02, 06:37 PM

Based on Church from RvB? Please say yes.

Paaaaaartially. The Freelancer Church. Same last name, same accent.

ZeroGear

2014-08-02, 11:42 PM

Dino, normally I don't care, but your quotes make me wonder:
When you played Amaya, are you a guy playing a girl character or are you a girl in real life?
I don't care either way but I'm kinda curious.

GPuzzle

2014-08-03, 12:07 AM

I believe he's a guy - married and with a daughter who likes Tobuscus. But who knows.

Socksy

2014-08-03, 04:36 AM

I believe he's a guy - married and with a daughter who likes Tobuscus. But who knows.

He's married with a daughter?? But he's too cool and awesome to be old! D:

DigoDragon

2014-08-03, 09:24 AM

GM: "I hate you."
Amaya: "You've hated me before I opened my mouth, what's different now?"
GM: "Now you lose that CON point again."

Amaya: "I wonder if looking at Bloody Mary indirectly with a digital camera or night goggles would work? Like the mirror used to kill Medusa in Clash of the Titans."
Ronnie: "Hello, you're too young to have seen that movie, Jailbait."
Amaya: "I might have looked it up online."
Nicolette: "What were you Googling without Safe-Search that brought you to Clash of the Titans?"

Nicolette: "We're going to bust into a creepy house and get our eyes gouged out. It'll be like my second boyfriend."

Amaya: "I'm going to buy a digital camera."
GM: "...A Chevy Suburban is like a digital camera, right?"
Nicolette: "They're both automatic and disposable."

Ronnie: *Takes off Shades*
Amaya: "Wow, he actually has eyes."
Ronnie: "Criminy, you're right!"

Amaya: "Before we raid the house, we may want to call the local police and let them know our intentions just in case the neighbors call about hearing gunfire in this house."
Nicolette: "It's just the Feds having a rave party."
Erik: "In someone else's house?"
Ronnie: "I'm just here for the babes, booze, and bullets!"

Lawyer: "And one more CON damage for Erik and the wimp."
Erik: "Ow!"
Aries: "Ouch!"

GM: "You summon a Jersey Devil. It appears in the classic Ronnie pose with shades on."
Amaya: "What have I summoned?"
Nicolette: "You made it look dumb."
Ronnie & Jersey Devil: "Grrr!"

Bloody Mary: "Some of you may have been bad, but one of you has been very sad."
Amaya: "And which of us is the sad one?"
Bloody Mary: "He knows who he is."
Ronnie: "So one of the guys?"
Nicolette: "Woohoo, not it!

Nicolette: "Can you pass through the mirror?"
Bloody Mary: "In a manner of speaking, yes."
Nicolette: "So it is possible?"
Ronnie: "Hello, crotch first? Star Trek episode?"
Nicolette: "That's you every episode."
Ronnie: "I must be Captain Kirk!"
Nicolete: (In Shatner Voice) "No. You. Are. Not."

Nicolette: "Maybe Jimmy had a tragedy with a woman?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I've never seen him with a womans."
Erik: "'With a womans'? Where do you get your English?"
Ronnie: "My English is my own!"
Nicolette: "From France?"

Nicolette: "So Jimmy, do you think-"
GM: "What Jimmy?"
Nicolette: "He touched the mirror?"
GM: "He was in front of it one moment, but now he's gone."
Amaya: "Great, he's got ghost cooties all over his hands now."
Nicolette: "We need to bleach his palms. I jump into the mirror."
GM: "Nicolette disappears."
Amaya: "Does Amaya have to jump through a mirror and choke a *itch?"

Amaya: "I am now Ceiling Cat. I will watch you... wait, no. Eww."

Nicolette: "How many mes... No, that's not an answering machine, it's a projector."

Amaya: "When was the last time you were on a date?"
Jimmy: "A what now?"
Amaya: "Aha, that's what Bloody Mary meant about you being the sad one. You're lonely."
Jimmy: "I really never had the time to-"
Nicolette: "Jimmy is a desperate NPC in a desperate RPG in desperate need of some p**n!"

Amaya: "A chair of warmth? I want one."
Jimmy: "Would you like to sit on it?"
Amaya: "Yes please. I'm so cold right now that if I hug someone, I'd impale them."

Nicolette: "If you can melt down the rebar, I'm sure you don't have to worry about the snow."

Peanut Gallery: "I have a woodwinds teacher that wanted to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. But he just teaches clarinet instead."

GPuzzle

2014-08-03, 10:23 AM

He's married with a daughter?? But he's too cool and awesome to be old! D:

I think he mentioned he had a daughter when you made mentioned in a "Things I May No Longer Do" thread the swingy diamond sword incident and how she loved that song.

IllogicalBlox

2014-08-03, 02:51 PM

I'm not going to break the rope. The tide will bring us to shore.

Explained by:
We tie ourselves to the mast!

eulmanis12

2014-08-03, 03:52 PM

From a LARP event at a LARP called Adventurers Wanted

entire town singing: (tune of hero of canton)
He's MILO! The Man they call MILO!
He fought for the town and he brought back the law
Stood up to the bandits and gave them what for
Our love for him now, we just gotta show
THE HERO OF WHITEWOOD GUARD CAPTAIN MILO!

Now Milo saw the people's backs breaking
He saw the townsfolks' laments
he saw the bandits all taking
every copper and leaving us spent
he said
You can't do that to these people
you can't lie, you can't pillage and steal
Milo strapped on his hat
and in five seconds flat
had those troublemakers all brought to heel

He fought for the town and he brought back the law
Stood up to the demons and gave them what for
Our love for him now, we just gotta show
THE HERO OF WHITEWOOD GUARD CAPTAIN MILO!

He arrested a dark elf priestess
He tried to arrest the fey
He drew up his blade, rode into the fight
and rained maims all through the night

He fought for the town and he brought back the law
Stood up to the Dark Elves and gave them what for
Our love for him now, we just gotta show
THE HERO OF WHITEWOOD GUARD CAPTAIN MILO!

And a Preformance by one of our Bards

Governor General Radcliffe: Captain Milo! REPORT!
Milo: Denia It's time for the report!
Denia: ( to the tune of Waco's song from Anamaniacs) Oh' there's Magma and Vampires and Rebels, and Bandits, Werewolves a giving a roar
There's Undead and voidspawn, and demons and Cultists and black market fae at the door

Oh' Whitewood can sometimes be scary,
of its dangers we all should be wary
that's precisely why I sing this song
on the next refrain please sing along

Oh there's Shadows and mages, there's bears and there's sages, there's Fae crows that really can fly
Giant ants in the woods, bandits steal all the goods, and maguffins to make us all die

Oh' Whitewood can sometimes be scary,
of its dangers we all should be wary
that's precisely why I sing this song
on the next refrain please sing along

There's bogies and bogies and bogies and bogies and bogies and bogies some more
There's bogies and bogies and bogies and bogies and bogies and bogies galore

Oh' Whitewood can sometimes be scary,
of its dangers we all should be wary
that's precisely why I sing this song
on the next refrain please sing along

Sith_Happens

2014-08-04, 12:44 AM

"Did someone say 'Vocaloid cover of Ievan Polkka?'"
"No, but yes."
"Actually, maybe I should be more specific. The particular artist/setting/whatever you want to call it is 'the Kagamine twins.' Ooh, wait, there's a Hastune Miku cover of Ievan Polkka in the sidebar. Let's try that."

*obvious fight noises*
Bard: "Is everything alright in there?"
Ranger: "[Bard], get your ass in here!"
Bard: "That's awfully forward, but guess I'll humor you."
Ranger: "YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."
Bard: "Fine. But it does sound like quite the party in there, and you know what that calls for."
Bard [OOC]: "Quick, someone find me a raunchy bar song."

"You know, it occurs to me that you could totally tweak 'What to Do With a Drunken Sailor' to fit the tune of 'Ievan Polkka.'"

"WE ARE THE GROUP. EVERYTHING YOU SAY WILL BE TURNED INTO A DOUBLE ENTENDRE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE."

"So basically, Superman has secretly been giving everyone cancer."

"Oh yeah, [DM], heads-up, [the Chaotic Unseelie Fey Beguiler] has telepathy now."
"Lovely."

"...I say that with obvious, dripping sarcasm."
"Please don't drip your sarcasm in public, it's rude."

"We interrupt this campaign to bring you: Nachos."

"Look, I understand. The truth can be hard to swallow sometimes."
"Like the eggs?"

"Logan Pathwalker: Adventurer, food critic, health inspector."

"Are you saying that sarcastically?"
"Sarcasm? In this campaign? Never."

DM: "It's a bit odd that someone fighting for the poor would be living in a mansion, but..."
Player: "It's the perfect cover!"

"It's okay, I think black eyes are kind of hot."

"I buy five prostitutes, and five prostitutes' worth of blood."

Player 1: "[PC 1] offers [PC 2] ten grand."
Player 2: "I ask where you got it."
Player 3: "We stole public funds."
PC 2: "That's more or less [miniboss]'s money, so good on you. I accept."

"I screw the sheriff's wife disguised as him, because I can."

DM: "...They call themselves 'shleepers.'"
Player: "DEAR G-D."

*discussion of that one Southpark episode with PETA (you know the one).*
Person 1: "...Oh, I thought you were talking about Peeta from The Hunger Games."
Person 2: "CANNOT BE UNTHOUGHT."

Player 1: "[PLAYER 2]."
*[Player 2] wakes up*
Player 1: "We're getting to the good part. The revolution will be roleplayed. We will have fun storming the spire."
DM: "And we will finally finish this part of the story."
Player 1: "Longest. Arc. Ever."

"So what should I be doing?"
"Probably, taking part in the 'gearing up for the coming battle' montage."

"[Player], pick a mini, there's going to be fights soon."
"You mean we're actually doing things? Why would we do that?"

"I think 'Won't Get Fooled Again' is a great revolution song."
"What about that one Green Day song?"
"You mean any of them?"

"Someday we will run this battle! Someday we will actually do this!"
"BUT THIS IS NOT THAT DAY!"

Player 1: "What are you doing!?"
Player 2: "We're trolling [Player 3] while he poops."

"Wait, did we all just pile into the same elevator in enemy territory?"
"Yes."
"We're idiots."

DM: "As you ascend, you notice the walls are made of glass."
Player 1: "Are we still only going upways? Let me know if we start going sideways or slantways."
Player 2: "What are you talking about, this ain't no chocolate factory."
Player 1: "How do we know, we haven't explored the whole place yet."

PC 1: "I fly up and push the button."
PC 2: "...You're not inspecting anything in here first, you're just pushing the button."
PC 1: "Yes."
DM: "Are you sure you want to push the button?"
PC 1: "Yes."
PC 2: *sigh* "So, before any of us can get a word in edgewise, you go ahead and push the unknown button. Fine."
*one set piece involving an entire city literally tilting 90 degrees on its edge later*
DM: "...You don't know what the survival rate is yet."
PC 2: "All because the Elf pushed a button. I slap her."

Player: "So how much XP do we get for this session?"
DM: *sudden moment of realization* "I'm not sure."

Reverent-One

2014-08-04, 11:00 AM

GM: "You summon a Jersey Devil. It appears in the classic Ronnie pose with shades on."
Amaya: "What have I summoned?"
Nicolette: "You made it look dumb."
Ronnie & Jersey Devil: "Grrr!"

What's the classic Ronnie pose?

Sith_Happens

2014-08-04, 01:50 PM

What's the classic Ronnie pose?

My guess is "one hand holding a beer, the other giving a thumbs-up, with sunglasses and a stupid grin."

janusmaxwell

2014-08-04, 02:16 PM

PC 1: "I fly up and push the button."
PC 2: "...You're not inspecting anything in here first, you're just pushing the button."
PC 1: "Yes."
DM: "Are you sure you want to push the button?"
PC 1: "Yes."
PC 2: *sigh* "So, before any of us can get a word in edgewise, you go ahead and push the unknown button. Fine."
*one set piece involving an entire city literally tilting 90 degrees on its edge later*
DM: "...You don't know what the survival rate is yet."
PC 2: "All because the Elf pushed a button. I slap her."
Must not rage at a player I don't know...oh god the memories are surfacing! MAIMKILLBURN! Kill the wielder of the deck of many things!

DigoDragon

2014-08-04, 03:20 PM

What's the classic Ronnie pose?

It was similar to the poster-styled Mr. Incredible (http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120205085808/disney/images/8/87/Mr._incredible_Poster.jpg), with his legs a bit more spread apart. So... that pose, with the burgundy suit and big 70's styled mirror shades.

My guess is "one hand holding a beer, the other giving a thumbs-up, with sunglasses and a stupid grin."

If Solo had a pose, it probably have been that.

PC 2: "All because the Elf pushed a button. I slap her."

Was it a shiny, red candy-like button?

Sith_Happens

2014-08-04, 03:38 PM

Was it a shiny, red candy-like button?

Close. Red button on a pedestal. On the top floor of one of the BBEG's lieutenant's absurdly tall tower. You know, exactly the type likely to do something to the party's advantage if pressed.

Cowardly Griffo

2014-08-04, 04:29 PM

It was similar to the poster-styled Mr. Incredible (http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120205085808/disney/images/8/87/Mr._incredible_Poster.jpg), with his legs a bit more spread apart. So... that pose, with the burgundy suit and big 70's styled mirror shades.Man, I was way off (http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m86y3bGalF1r9a32bo1_500.jpg).

janusmaxwell

2014-08-04, 06:03 PM

Game of Arkham Horror...STILL COUNTS!

PC1 (DM): and the Pyre Vampire moves towards you!
PC2: Ah HA! I have a crucifix!
PC1: Won't work, he's not undead.
PC2: What? Vampires aren't undead in this game?
PC1: I think they're considered "Critters"
PC3: Critters? Like rats and such? Are you telling me the Vampires in Cthulhu are the equivalent of Blood-sucking Pigeons?
PC2: *Starts laughing*
PC3: Do people come out of their houses and scream "Damn Nosferatu! I just washed that car!"
PC2: Okay...I'm totally stealing Vampire Pigeons from you!

VeliciaL

2014-08-05, 02:43 AM

From my last Fourth Edition game:

Player 1 (after filling in for Player 2): I couldn't figure your character out, so I ended up just using powers at random.
Player 2 (who ROLLED this character): Oh, me neither, that's about how I play him too.

EDIT: And another one occurred to me:

Garr: Ok, how about you take five swings at me, and if I'm still standing afterward we're friends.

Five swings later, the party was dragging his bloodied near-corpse out the gate of the Orc fort.

DigoDragon

2014-08-05, 07:04 AM

Man, I was way off (http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m86y3bGalF1r9a32bo1_500.jpg).

Heh, maybe if Ronnie was drunk that's be a thing. :smallbiggrin:

Ronnie: "Let's pretend to count." (Rolls a 4)
Nicolette: "You suck."

Ronnie: "Is it cold in there Alexander?"
Alexander: "Not really."
Ronnie: "Hello?"
Nicolette: "He's from Russia."
Ronnie: "...ah, Hello."

Nicolette: "I'm looking to start a fire."
Amaya: "I found a bucket and a mob. If you can find a few more flammables, we can try starting a fire."
Nicolette: "I'll just cuss at the bucket. That should start a fire."
Amaya: "...I guess New Yorkers can do that."

GM: "Amaya, did you mean 'a bucket and a mop'?"
Amaya: "Still flammable either way."

Ronnie: "Hello, Dr. Pelor? I have an experiment for you."
Nicolette: "Dr. Pelor?"
Ronnie: "Nickname for Alexander."
Alexander: "I'm somewhat shaking in my boots to try it, but go ahead."

Ronnie: "I hit speed dial."
Phone: (Rings) "Hello, this is the IRS."
Nicolette: "You take 7 damage."

Nicolette: "If you can dodge I.T., then you can dodge a ball!"

GM: "The sodas for the most part are frozen."
Alexander: "Why is the can of Tab not frozen?"
Nicolette: "Its Tab, it needs to be near Absolute Zero to be frozen."

Amaya: "Lack of fire, crazy esoteric puzzles, lack of fire, dead people and hollow G-Men, lack of fire..."

GM: "You all step into Jimmy's office. Six chairs are missing, cabinets are knocked over, drawers are thrown open, and the floor is littered in Rat Tail porn magazines."
Jimmy: "Well, hell." (Picks up the porn mags)
Amaya: "Let me guess, for the articles?"
Jimmy: "...no."
Ronnie: "Hello, read it for the ads."
Nicolette: "You are the ads."
Alexander: "Not to be mean, but these magazines are distasteful, agent Stetson."
GM: "Jimmy shoots you a look."
Nicolette: "Jimmy just shoots you."

Nicolette: "If they get closer I'm using the rebar to pokie-pokie-stab-stab-beat-beat."
Amaya: "Is this a new dance?"
Nicolette: "It's the Bronx Shuffle."

Alexander: (Casts Bless on Ronnie's medallion)
GM: "The medallion gets +1 to attack and damage rolls."
Amaya: "And grows by two size categories."
Enemy 1: "My god, there's a guy in a red suit swinging a boat anchor!"
Enemy 2: "Santa?!"
Ronnie: "Ho Ho Hello, bi*ch!"

Ronnie: "...I take 45 dignity damage."

Rater202

2014-08-05, 12:25 PM

Massah Shadah, Wesa got go kill ketchup man!

If you want context, go read the "Things I'm no longer alowed to do" thread

janusmaxwell

2014-08-05, 12:40 PM

Ho Ho Hello B**ch!

I don't care that deserves a double mention cause I'm giggling like a loon.

Diachronos

2014-08-05, 02:26 PM

"What's a 'Pepsi'?"

Sith_Happens

2014-08-05, 06:05 PM

"What's a 'Pepsi'?"

Exactly.:smalltongue:

eulmanis12

2014-08-05, 10:13 PM

from a Fallout themed tabletop

Player1: @#$%, we blew up the Enclave friendly bar, We hop in their vertibird and take off
Player2: I go along with it
DM: you two are a pair of barely literate cowboys, you're about to try to fly an incredibly complicated modern helicopter, roll int.
Player1: (rolls) Zero successes
Player2:(Rolls) One success
DM: ok, well you were short the total number of successes required by a lot. Here is what you get: You sit in the cockpit and see several levers, some of which have buttons on them. There are also a large number of switches, some of which have blinky lights next to them. There are also many buttons, some of which are shiny.
Player1: I flip every switch that doesn't have a blinky light next to it, then pull the levers
Player2: I push all the buttons
DM: all of them?
Player2: Every single one that I can reach
DM: Both of you roll Luck
Player1: (Rolls) 17
player2: (Roll) (Roll) (Roll) (Roll) (Roll) ... ...(Roll) 72
DM: ...uh... you take off successfully, missiles, rockets, bullets, and Lazers firinging in all directions, you manage to not crash into any of the nearby buildings and simultaneously blow up the other two vertibirds on the pad. With the radio blasting and every enclave soldier around not knowing wheather to $%@& or go blind and running around like a chicken with their head cut off.
(The two players look at eachother)
Players: (simultaneously) IMMA PILOT M***** F*****!

bulbaquil

2014-08-05, 10:22 PM

Shadowrun inaugural:

P5: "Mild addiction to sunlight with--"
P4: "YES! I LOVE THE SUN!"
P2: "With an allergy to sunlight."
P5: "Yes, with an allergy to sunlight."

GM: "Okay, roll-off Charisma."
P5: "I got a hit."
P3: "I also got a hit."
GM: "Um..."
P3: "So what happens, we roll off again?"
GM: "No, now I do it. It means Mr. Johnson's interested in you both equally."
(P2 randomly decides to roll anyway, despite having a lower Charisma limit)
P2: "I also got a hit."
P4: "F*** it, I'll roll."
(P4 also rolls, with 1d6.)
P4: "I GOT A HIT!"
(P1 rolls)
P1: "I got two hits!"
GM: "...So out of all of you, Mr. Johnson contacts the troll with hardly any Charisma!"

P3: "What's your Strength?"
GM: "This isn't Strength. This is maitre d' fu!"

GM: "The hobo goes up to the electric fence, and nothing happens."
P5: "...He soaked it! I think he soaked it so hard, he has more health now than he started."

Super Evil User

2014-08-06, 04:48 AM

From our Hunter/Promethean game:

I know exactly what you are. You're monsters, but you're our monsters. Humans were responsible for creating you. Well, technically, monsters were responsible for creating you, but it started with humans, OK? And we can be held accountable for what those humans did. OK, maybe not, but I-look, I'm just going to kill you, get me?

DigoDragon

2014-08-07, 06:47 AM

GM: "We last left off at the bottom of a laundry chute..."

Amaya: "A deity is sooo going to die for this."

Nicolette: "I will shove your Tai up your Tao if you don't shut up!"

Alexander: "But in dice sizes a d4 is before a d6."
GM: "...what?"
Ronnie: "I think you sunk his battleship."

Amaya: "What, are there no sweat glands in your butt?"

Amaya: "Let's try the theater."
Nicolette: "Two screens; The Day After and Hancock."
Alexander: "The Day After Hancock."
Amaya: "It was a sobering day."

Ronnie: "I knock over a rack of tampons."
GM: "They detonate."
Nicolette: "Are we in a Spencer's store?"
Ronnie: "Blampons!"

GM: "Okay, let's roll for enemy initiative..." (Rolls Low) "...p*nis!"
Alexander: "These guys don't d*ck around."
Amaya: "You sure their dice weren't c*cked?"

Ronnie: "Hello, I smoke Meat Cigarettes!"

Ronnie: "Uh oh, Amaya is getting hammered."
Amaya: "It's Malta."
Nicolette: "So she's getting hammered by a pillow."

GM: "Nicolette, your opponent gut-punches you."
Nicolette: "Lets see if it has nards."
Amaya: "Nards?"
Ronnie: "It's like nerds, but with a gender."
Alexander: "And no spelling."

GM: "And with that the door unlocks itself."
Amaya: "Take it! Take it! Take it!"
GM: "Okay, Guybrush. You take the door and stuff it in your pocket."
Amaya: "Ouch."

Ronnie: "I think the most damage I've ever taken was by a Jersey Devil... or was it a phone?"
Alexander: "A bathroom nearly took you down once."
Amaya: "Exploding bathroom."
Nicolette: "I'm really glad I missed that case."

GM: "Amaya, you find the greeting cards isle. However, all the cards are demotivational greetings like 'I don't care that you're sick' and 'Have a terrible day', things like that."
Amaya: "Awesome, I'll grab a bunch of these cards for all my coworkers."
GM: "So are you looking for any particular anti-greeting with the cards?"
Amaya: "F*ck no, that implies I care about them."

janusmaxwell

2014-08-07, 08:21 AM

ZeroGear

2014-08-07, 03:20 PM

GM[/B]: "And with that the door unlocks itself."
Amaya: "Take it! Take it! Take it!"
GM: "Okay, Guybrush. You take the door and stuff it in your pocket."
Amaya: "Ouch."

...A Monkey Island joke? My respect for you just increased by 10!
Please tell me you ran into the three-headded monkey at some point!

DigoDragon

2014-08-07, 03:49 PM

I hate to admit it, but rather than Raven from Teen Titans the physical image I get from Amaya is more Bittercup from Fallout 3.

I'm not familiar with the character, but a name like 'Bittercup' sounds pretty straight-forward with personality.

...A Monkey Island joke? My respect for you just increased by 10!
Please tell me you ran into the three-headded monkey at some point!

Unfortunately no, no three-headed monkeys appeared in the adventure. I would love to have more monkey Island references. Played everything except Tales.

janusmaxwell

2014-08-07, 06:15 PM

I'm not familiar with the character, but a name like 'Bittercup' sounds pretty straight-forward with personality.

Ergh...not quite. In Fallout 3 Bittercup is a...god I want to say a "Princess Goth"...she just loves wallowing in how everything is all dreary and hopeless. I was speaking as the mental image I had was of what Bittercup looks like. Not how she is, since Amaya is clearly not f-ing useless...

pics on this wiki http://fallout.wikia.com/wiki/Bittercup

So Raven personality, Bittercup physically. I'm squared away.

ZeroGear

2014-08-07, 09:33 PM

Unfortunately no, no three-headed monkeys appeared in the adventure. I would love to have more monkey Island references. Played everything except Tales.

Oddly, this is a game that inspired me to modify my bag of holding into... a loincloth of holding! Indeed, one of my characters actually shoved everything he was carrying into his pants.
This also happens to be the warlock/cleric of Halal/eldrich disciple that tended to get lost in a straight line and had an intelligent shovel that gave him directions.

DigoDragon

2014-08-08, 07:33 AM

So Raven personality, Bittercup physically. I'm squared away.

That sounds perfectly reasonable. :3

Necroticplague

2014-08-08, 09:27 AM

"Demon":*Long generic satanic cult rambling*
Shibu:Hey, lets crash this party. Mind If I borrow your scythe?
Naix: Sure, just be sure we can get it back, finding a replacement would be difficult.
Shibu:Cool, thanks.
*Throws sword through window, causing it to land blade-in-ground*
*Jumps down, manages to lands and balance on the scythe's handle*
Sibu:You may be right, he isn't gonna smack down your impudence himself. But that's cause he has more importannt things to worry about. For the small stuff like this, he has cherubs like me.
Random Cultists:You don't look like an angel.
A cherub? What you gonna do, fire your tiny love arrows?
Shibu: Actually, maybe if you read a bit more, you'd know the creatures you refer to are called putti. Cherubs, on the other hand...*Manifests True Form*Are 4-headed, 4-armed, 6 winged creatures who've a long history of combatting your kind. So show your true form, demon, so we can pit your stregnth against mine!

SickBritKid

2014-08-09, 06:13 AM

Must not rage at a player I don't know...oh god the memories are surfacing! MAIMKILLBURN! Kill the wielder of the deck of many things!

XD Don't blame you. I'm actually in that campaign, myself, and just about everyone in the party had the incredible temptation to turn their weapons upon the PC in question(including my Keen Holy Rapier-wielding Ranger who would have made short work of the Evil-aligned Unseelie Fae). This also included her knight bodyguard, who has made a habit of reaching for his sword whenever my Ranger gets a bit testy toward her. Doubly so after said Ranger beat the knight in an exhibition fight in front of a whole village.

When Sith's character gave the Fae a dope slap for 7 nonlethal damage, the knight's player immediately proclaimed his character's visor being down the whole time.

DigoDragon

2014-08-09, 08:15 AM

GM: "When I come back, I should have horrible EXP figures for you."
Nicolette: "Will I level up?"
GM: "You all level down. Except for Amaya who levels left; her 3 levels of Smart Hero become 3 levels of Strong Hero."
Nicolette: "Does she turn big and green like a striped zebra?"
Amaya: "Like a what?"

Amaya: "Mmm... this dip is fruity. Spicy, but fruity."
Nicolette: "Just like our coworkers back at the office."

Nicolette: "I need 249 hit points to achieve what I want to do."
GM: "What, sit on a grenade?"

Amaya: "Okay, we're in the drugstore. Now what?"
Nicolette: "The song says we're on our 15th bender."
Amaya: "What's a bender?"
Nicolette: "A drunk person."
Amaya: "Okay, so we're looking for 15 winos?"
Nicolette: "I'll go reound up the store employees."

Nicolette: "I take a wiff of the bottle."
GM: "Strong absinthe."
Ronnie: "Hello, a bender is getting yourself sloshed drunk. Have at."
Nicolette: *Takes a sip*
GM: "Roll a Fort save."
Nicolette: *Rolls a 1, passes out in an alcohol coma*
Party: "..."
Amaya: "...so, who's next?"

GM: "Okay, so everyone sits around drinking water, taking Alkaseltzer, and belching. This is the most awesome moment in OPRI."

Nicolette: "I'm going to make molotov cocktails of this stuff."
Amaya: "But we haven't made the 15 benders yet."
Nicolette: "Do you want to be passed out on the floor again?"
Amaya: "I'll take the internal flaming hell of drunk visions and brimestone over the damn music that's been belching out of the P.A." (Takes a swig of the Absinthe, pukes, and falls into fetal position coughing up blood and alcohol)

Nicolette: "These stores we are seeing... they're all old and no longer in existance in our dimension."
Amaya: "So these places existed back during your time on the Mayflower?"
Nicolette: "I'll knock you back to colonial times so you can find out."
Amaya: "A witch in colonial New England? Yeah, that's safe."

Nicolette: *Throws a molotov cocktail at the enemy she's fighting*
Enemy: *Easily dodges*
Molotov: *Hits the back wall and ignites the store*
Amaya: "What, did you think we didn't have a big enough challenge?!"

GM: "Jimmy takes 17 damage to the nuts."
Pokedex: "Enemy uses Nut-Buster Kick. It's super effective! Jimmy has fainted."

Nicolette: "Everybody was king-fu fighting like Charlie Chaplin!"

Ronnie: "Hello, what are we doing in this thing?"
Amaya: "It's a confessional. You got any sins?"
Ronnie: "Probably."
Alexander: "Well sins will depend on the religion. Many interpretations could be possible depending on the sect we're using here."
Amaya: "Well, most religions seem to hate witches-"
Nicolete: "STONE THE HEATHEN!"

Cassie: "You have a tentative go, just ask for the particulars before you run amuck. Anyone who owns one knows mucks tire easily and should only be walked."
Amaya: "I usually just let mine sit at home. You know, muck ado about nothing."

Sith_Happens

2014-08-09, 10:20 PM

Must not rage at a player I don't know...oh god the memories are surfacing! MAIMKILLBURN! Kill the wielder of the deck of many things!

Seeing this quoted by someone else first actually reminded me that we did find a Deck of Many Things in our other campaign. Thankfully we sold it to a nearby Elemental Weird for more questions before anyone got any bright ideas about using it.

Cazero

2014-08-10, 09:21 AM

Five astronauts, back from a mission around alpha centaury, with a century of hypersleep involved for the travel.
We end up discovering an abandonned earth. Nobody in sight anywhere, everything old and in ruins.
Stumbling in a military camp, what seems like the commanding officer's office have a portrait of one of our crew in it.
As the security officer of the mission, I use my advantage of being the only one here with a gun to hold said crewman at gunpoint and say : "Strip."

Mr.Sandman

2014-08-10, 09:53 AM

DigoDragon

2014-08-10, 10:08 AM

Amaya: "I'm looking for the following books; Street Magic, Unwired, and-"
GM: "Prostitution!"
Amaya: "...Augmentation."
Alexander: "Same diff."

GM: "And it's a departure from their usual stuff. Amaya, you love disco, right?"
Amaya: (Deadpan) "With all my heart."

GM: "Let's see if anyone can make an intelligence check."
Nicolette: *Starts drooling like an idiot*
GM: "Could you at least roll first?"
Nicolette: *Rolls a 1. Continues to drool like an idiot*

GM: "Alexander, a Putty Man is in front of you. What do you do?"
Alexander: "I let him have it with my taser!"
GM: "Do you grab him first?"
Alexander: "No, then he would be 'putty in my hands'."

GM: "Come on Nicolette, time for the 'Supar' Beatings!"
Nicolette: *Rolls a 1*
GM: "Supar, not Sub-par!"

GM: "The car is a Mitsubishi Lancer."
Amaya: "Not a bad car I guess. I think I made out in the back of one once."
Alexander: "Too much info there, girl!"
Ronnie: "Hello, I could stand hearing a little more."

Ronnie: "It's quiet."
Amaya: "Too quiet."
Alexander: "You rather it be four quiet?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I have no idea what you're even trying to tell me."

Large Boss: "Gwwwaaarrr!!"
Ronnie: "Hold it together Ronnie, it's just a two-ton Chum-Chum."
Amaya: "It looks like a giant Captain Caveman..."
Large Boss: "Gwwwaaarrr!!"
Amaya: "...in a tiny business suit."

Alexander: "I send my bat Barbastella to deliver my Healing Touch spell to Ronnie."
GM: "Ronnie fades out before the bat reaches him."
Barbastella: "Skree skree!"
Alexander: "Disappeared? What do you mean he disappeared?! Impossible! No PC that small has a cloaking device!"

Alexander: *Tasers the giant boss, stunning it helpless*
Ronnie: "We have ourselves a helpless giant!"
Amaya: "I'm picking up its giant club."
Alexander: "Aww, that was my idea."
Amaya: "I'll give you the credit."
GM: "So you pick up the club because the cleric told you too?"
Alexander: "Can she even lift that giant weapon?"
Amaya: "I'm angry enough to go Super Sayan, I'm a lifting this thing on the power of hatred!"

GM: "So Amaya cracks the boss' head open with a tree. doing... 26 damage to its remaining 23 hit points."
Alexander: "Yikes, don't piss off the goth girl."
Amaya: "Rawr... but the real hero is you and that damn taser from hell."
Alexander: "It's my electric sleep spell. I wonder if it makes the giant dream of electric sleep?"
Nicolette: "Not with its head cracked open."
Amaya: "...awww, no candy inside."

Jenova: "There's never candy when they crack them open."
Amaya: "There's brain meats, but you have to cook and saute' those."

Cazero

2014-08-10, 11:34 AM

Context! it burns, it burns us!
Too much context? Or should I have just posted "Strip." like that?

Sith_Happens

2014-08-10, 07:48 PM

Too much context? Or should I have just posted "Strip." like that?

Very yes.:smallwink:

----------

"The fourth wall provides total cover."

DM: "She takes you into the bathroom and blows your mind."
PC 1: "...Through my ****?"
PC 2: "You know that cartoon trick where they inflate themselves through their thumb? Kind of like that."

"What is the purpose of this party again? To save the universe, or just annoy [the Ranger]?"
"Yes."

ZeroGear

2014-08-10, 09:48 PM

"Let's avoid characters mounting each other."

"Oh they have short people also?"

"I move there because I'm worried about a pincer attack." (fighting a scorpion)

"I know what I must do: I must fight the rust monster with my bare hands."

"I'm going to picking out pieces of ettin flail for weeks."

"Do you think magic has a distinct taste?"

[PC2]: "I want to buy some of that."
[DM]: "It's 500gp per bottle."
[PC2]: "I don't want to buy some of that."

"Woo! I noticed something!"

"I turn around and bow that guy!"

"That is my plan for tomorrow, don't get bit by a dire wolf."

"I will troll this enemy until it dies."

"I hope this isn't the beginning of the rend."

"Murder princess, are you hungry?"

[DM]: "He's under the effect of a magic jar!"
[PC3]: "I open the door and then destroy it, 2 points to whoever figures out the joke first!"

"That looks like treasure, don't attack it!" (A character)

[PC3]: "Guys, don't worry, we're not bears!"
[PC2]: "What?"
[PC3]: "Oh, there are bear traps on the ground."

"We can rest in the beartrap room, that seemed safe!"

"Here is an arrow, stab me with it. Not in the face!"

"You wake up and look over at me, and I'm there with my helmet off and Nick's just a black statue of ash."

[PC3]: "I will adjust, glaive!"
[PC2]: "I will adjust your face!"

"He's bully, not bossy." (talking about a minotaur demon).

[DM]: "Elves are not secret door detectors!"
[PC's]: "YES THEY ARE!"

[DM]: "You're putting all your eggs in one basket.
[PC2]: "The basket is my life!"

Sith_Happens

2014-08-11, 01:47 AM

SickBritKid

2014-08-11, 04:26 AM

DM: "You are now cradled on the ground on the other side of [other PC] from your ****."

"...So I'm going to be over here away from your backstory."

DM: "The first person you see is the same maid who jumped out the window."
PC: "I attempt to stab her with my severed ****."
*rolls*
PC: "...I just did eight damage." :smalleek:

"I said 'Raptor Jesus' first."

"You're not very pretty for a woman, John."

[Multiple times:]
DM: "[Dwarf Barbarian], what are you while [other party members doing things]?"
Dwarf Player: "Probably drinking."

Few quotes to add on to that one, buddy:

Me: John, I think we can officially call this campaign FATAL-esque.
John(Dwarf Barbarian's player): I quit.
Me: Me, too.
(Both me and John pretend to walk out on the campaign)

Zach: So I'm in a Hostel?
Me: Yes, as in a free hotel. NOT the series of movies by Eli Roth!

Strigon

2014-08-11, 08:17 AM

(First game of D&D, also first post on this forum)

"Congratulations! You've crafted a watermelon helmet that subtracts 4 from your AC!"

Prince Raven

2014-08-11, 09:59 AM

(First game of D&D, also first post on this forum)

"Congratulations! You've crafted a watermelon helmet that subtracts 4 from your AC!"

In AD&D that melon-helmet would be awesome.

Stake A Vamp

2014-08-11, 11:53 AM

GM (me): okay guys, what are your characters?
Player 1: I'm Batman!
Player 2: I'm Batman!
Player 3: I'm Batman!
Player 4: I'm Batman!
Player 5: I'm Batman!
GM: We're playing apocalypse world.
Player 3: I know.
player 1: It's not like our dad made the game or anything.
GM: okay, what playbooks are you using?
Player 1: the Savyhead
Player 2: The Operator
Player 3: the Gunlugger
Player 4: the Faceless
Player 5: the Chopper
GM: oh god (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8TqOO39NSI).

TheJudicator

2014-08-11, 12:15 PM

Sorceror: "We are here to seek a cure for our dwarf friend here after an encounter with a particularly nasty snake hair lady..."
Rogue: "Correct. You could say he is straight up stoned right now..."
Magus: "Oh come now, you shouldn't take the dwarf's feelings for granite.."
Bard: "Indeed! If anything, the situation has made him boulder!"
Druid: "Perhaps if we explained it better, it would peak this man's interests?"
Alchemist: "Well, it would certainly beat graveling!"
DM: "Nah, I'm sure these hints won by a landslide."
Dwarf (OOC): "I HATE YOU ALL!"

Milodiah

2014-08-11, 12:50 PM

PC1: "So, what you're telling me is that we'll need some more experience under our belts."
DM (me): "You guys would all die, I'll just tell you that now."
PC1: "Where's the red-light district in this town?"
DM: "...no. You can't hire hookers and then kill them for the XP."
PC1: "Damn."

DigoDragon

2014-08-11, 03:49 PM

Dwarf (OOC): "I HATE YOU ALL!"

If I were the GM, I'd give everyone bonus Exp. Well, after I picked myself off the floor from laughter.

ZeroGear

2014-08-11, 03:55 PM

If I were the GM, I'd give everyone bonus Exp. Well, after I picked myself off the floor from laughter.

Especially for giving him such a hard time. :)

Sith_Happens

2014-08-11, 07:00 PM

Few quotes to add on to that one, buddy:

If we're calling each other out for missing quotes, then how about this one from before you arrived (:smalltongue:):

"It's too bad that Invisible Stalker fight didn't last to my second turn, I was going to switch on Inspire Greatness by changing up the lyrics to 'What Do We Do with a Drunken Sailor.'

What do we do with a horny Ranger
What do we do with a horny Ranger
What do we do with a horny Ranger
Early in the morning!

Make him fight a monster
Make him fight a monster
Make him fight a monster
Early in the morning!

Catch him tired and naked
Catch him tired and naked
Catch him tired and naked
EARLY IN THE MORNING!"

:smallcool::smalltongue:

...Matter of fact, I did just remember some other choice exchanges as well:

Fighter: "I Kiai Shout, not remembering that it won't work in [Barbarian PC]."
DM: *rolls* "The Elvish Ambassador runs screaming naked out of [Ranger]'s room in a blind panic."
Ranger: "I grumble to myself and start to get dressed."
Bard: *high enough Listen check to know exactly what's going on* "I immediately start after her."
[One brief chase scene later]
Bard: "I Silent Image a Wall of Fire to cut her off."
DM: "She speaks a command word and vanishes. She is now naked in the middle of a busy street."
Bard Player: "Yay for making things worse! Also, the panic should be wearing off right about now."

Bard: "I ask anyone if they've seen [Ranger] downstairs yet today."
DM: "No one has."
Bard: "I head up to his room."
DM: "You find him still in there, drinking with the Dwarf."
Bard [to Ranger]: "I highly suggest you pretend to have been searching for your girlfriend."

----------

Now, in the interests of courtesy the characters in the above quotes will remain unattributed to any particular... Oh, wait:

Me: So next session, I'm gonna have [[B]my ranger] marry- I mean murder [the dwarf character]!

[Chain-yanking intensifies]

Erik Vale

2014-08-11, 07:19 PM

@ Hard Pun: No... Just no... You should be stoned for that pun.

DM: And [the ranger] slips from the boarding harpoon's rope, is kicked off the rouges legs and falls through the air, through the clouds, freezing to death... And at some point later, shattering as he impacts the ground.
Ranger: ... That's twice I've died. Twice, in two sessions! And it's only the start of combat...

Sith_Happens

2014-08-11, 08:34 PM

No... Just no.

Is that at me?:smallconfused:

Erik Vale

2014-08-11, 09:54 PM

*Looks up* Opps. No that was at the Hard time. I'll go and edit that.

Milodiah

2014-08-11, 10:14 PM

Tiny-size fairy cleric: "Sir, what is it you have in these vials here?"
Merchant: "Well, it's, uh...rat poison, for rats. I swear."
Fairy: "I already used my Detect Poisons for today...uh...I stick my finger in the vial, and taste it."
DM: "Yep, tastes like rat poison alright. Also, you should probably roll Fortitude. On account of the rat poison."

Sith_Happens

2014-08-11, 10:33 PM

Milodiah

2014-08-11, 10:38 PM

Did I mention the Constitution of six?

DigoDragon

2014-08-12, 07:35 AM

Did I mention the Constitution of six?

*Zing!* Perfectly timed punchline.

GM: "Apparently everyone's on freaking technological upgrades except me. Minus 20 DKP for everyone!

GM: "The tunnel elevation is dropping... and dropping... and dropping...
Ronnie: "Hello, we falling or walking on the ceiling now?"

GM: "The cave is getting hot, very hot."
Ronnie: "Hello, getting a bit uncomfortable."
Nicolette: "Then take off your suit jacket."
Ronnie: "Fashion over comfort!"

Amaya: "I'm glad my minimalist fashion sense of short skirts and sleeveless tees are paying off. I just need to ditch the jacket."
Ronnie: "Hello, don't have to stop at just the jacket."
Amaya: "I'd kill you if it weren't so damn hot right now."

GM: "It took me four tries to grab the d20. In one attempt I grabbed my d4."
Alexander: "What's it matter, you only roll 1s anyway."
GM: *Rolls a d20*
d20: *Lands on a 1*
GM: *ANGRY GLARE*

Alexander: "At least we'll be healthy when we burn to a death."

Alexander: "I'll go to the door on the right."
GM: " You turn left. Nice when we don't listen to ourselves."
Alexander: "Ah, it must be an Anti-door."
GM: "How so?"
Alexander: "It leads me to the Anti-chamber."

Alexander: "I do not speak French, but I have a feeling we've been here before."

Amaya: "I'm looking at a box... uh... 2 units across... 3 tall... 4 deep..."
Alexander: "Amaya, you have the image in front of you. Look at the pieces and see which ones would fit the image to form the cube again."
Amaya: (Rolls a 1 on an INT check) "I like unicorns."

Alexander: "It's time to try something stupid."
Amaya: "Yes it is."
Alexander: "I back up."
Amaya: "I take off my shirt."
Alexander: "I get a running start."
Amaya: "I climb the desk."
GM: "Okay... really not sure where this is going, but let's see..."

Ronnie: "Hello, a shirt just came off and not on a dude."
Nicolette: "Your breast senses are tingling?"

Amaya: "I'll take 'Countries that eat pets' for 600, Alex."

Alexander: "Why are you in your undergarment?"
Amaya: "I had a dumb idea that I didn't see through."
Nicolette: "Well I see you managed to get your shirt off."

Marnath

2014-08-12, 07:40 AM

Player logic.

Completely excusable in this instance, I should think. Fairies aren't really known for their decision making or critical thinking.

Lord Raziere

2014-08-12, 07:46 AM

Completely excusable in this instance, I should think. Fairies aren't really known for their decision making or critical thinking.

Yeah, they make the perfect PC's! just add pyromania.

Cristo Meyers

2014-08-12, 08:03 AM

Alexander: "Why are you in your undergarment?"
Amaya: "I had a dumb idea that I didn't see through."
Nicolette: "Well I see you managed to get your shirt off."

You just know that, somewhere at sometime, someone has had this conversation in real life.

--

"...and stay out! *long string of curses* script kiddie dilletante! There, so, what'd I miss?"
"Grace's been shot, (BBEG) is dead, and Renee and Carlos are stuck in a vault with a soul-sucking demon gem."
"You guys get all the fun..."

Renee: "Are you alright?"
Carlos (from the floor, flat on his back): *thumbs up* "Am I missing an eyebrow?"

Prince Raven

2014-08-12, 09:14 AM

"I skin the goblin dog and wear its hide as a jacket."

MReav

2014-08-12, 09:26 AM

Savrille: Be warned, whoever wields the Rod shall suffer its terrible curse!
Drow Wizard: How do I break the curse?
Savrille: That is for you to discover.
Drow Wizard: I cast Control Undead on him. How do I break the curse now, bitch?
Savrille: You honestly thing if I knew, I'd be a skeleton with a meat hook up my ass?
Drow Wizard: Fair point.

Wizard: Man, it's such a shame our town-wide road trip was interrupted by a gas leak!
Citizen: Yeah... that makes sense.
Military Grade Combat Bum Robot: Tell me humans, is there a lot of inbreeding in your town?

Wizard: You've fought with great skill, but all is not well, goodbye and goodnight, I'll see you in hell. *Megablast*

Krampus Your power is great, but your spirit's unwilling. Run away now or I'll get with the killing.

Santa Claus: Your words of reforms brings great joy to these halls. But understand one thing... there is only one who gets to [bleep] with Santa's balls! *Smacks down the Krampus*

DigoDragon

2014-08-12, 10:32 AM

Fairies aren't really known for their decision making or critical thinking.

Just like PCs!

Yeah, they make the perfect PC's! just add pyromania.

Just like... wait, there are PCs without pyromania?! :smalleek:

Cristo Meyers

2014-08-12, 10:45 AM

Just like... wait, there are PCs without pyromania?! :smalleek:

Some prefer to specialize in the Maiming or Killing portion of the mantra.

GPuzzle

2014-08-12, 11:33 AM

I prefer to especialize in the Nuke part.

Dimers

2014-08-12, 12:24 PM

Yeah, they make the perfect PC's! just add pyromania.

Stretching the definition of "campaign" nearly to the snapping point, I'd like to add this quote from my ten-plus years of association with Boy Scouts and such:

"A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent ... greedy, hungry, lazy, angry, flatulent, wet, pyromaniacal and lecherous."

Amidus Drexel

2014-08-12, 12:42 PM

Stretching the definition of "campaign" nearly to the snapping point, I'd like to add this quote from my ten-plus years of association with Boy Scouts and such:

"A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent ... greedy, hungry, lazy, angry, flatulent, wet, pyromaniacal and lecherous."

Hey, we're not all hungry, flatulent, and wet! :smalltongue:

Diachronos

2014-08-12, 12:54 PM

A few more that I just remembered:
Half-dragon (thinking): It's like they're all larger or smaller versions of each other. They're like nesting dolls.
Half-dragon (talking): *hand motions resembling opening and closing a nesting doll* Nesting dolls...

Harpy: Nooo, you'll get my feathers wet! I'm not a penguin!
Succubus: Picci, do you even know what a penguin is-
Harpy: What's a penguin?

MReav

2014-08-12, 03:11 PM

Player: Spice is an illegal narcotic.
Me: Actually, Spice is a legal substance in some cases. The primary suspects for Senator Amidala's assassination attempts were disgruntled Spice miners on the moons of Naboo. So, unless the term "Spice Miner" is a euphemism for 'drug dealer'...

Player: We cast Raise Land and drop it through the portal to the Abyss.

Marilith: What are you doing here?
Disguised High Charisma Player: There are a bunch of adventurers tearing through the place!
Marilith: Damn it! Okay, you [disguised players] warn our master, I'll go deal with them!

Ghoul King: My understanding is that you have information about a traitor in our midst, who has been giving aid to the adventurers who have been undermining our plans?
Disguised High Charisma Player: It was this guy! *points to guy who we bluffed into escorting us there* He led those adventurers right to you! *Surprise round*

Sith_Happens

2014-08-12, 04:20 PM

Player: Spice is an illegal narcotic.
Me: Actually, Spice is a legal substance in some cases. The primary suspects for Senator Amidala's assassination attempts were disgruntled Spice miners on the moons of Naboo. So, unless the term "Spice Miner" is a euphemism for 'drug dealer'...

It could be a euphemism for "drug producer." Supposing that spice mining was in fact illegal and recently being cracked down upon, the miners would likely be quite disgruntled.

Ghoul King: My understanding is that you have information about a traitor in our midst, who has been giving aid to the adventurers who have been undermining our plans?
Disguised High Charisma Player: It was this guy! *points to guy who escorted us there* He led those adventurers right to you! *Surprise round*

*looks at own Bard's +20 Disguise modifier pre-magic, +25 with floating racial skill bonus*
*looks back at post*
*takes notes*

MReav

2014-08-12, 04:52 PM

*looks at own Bard's +20 Disguise modifier pre-magic, +25 with floating racial skill bonus*
*looks back at post*
*takes notes*

Make sure he's got a high bluff/deception/equivalent check.

Erik Vale

2014-08-12, 06:11 PM

*Having missed a session*

Me: Wait, so I missed one session, which instead of the usual few days, ended up being 5 weeks, and you decided I was down with the woman flu?
PC2: The thing to take from this is that you now know you could bleed out for over a month and still not be dead.

GPuzzle

2014-08-12, 08:51 PM

"'Daddy, why is mommy crying?' 'Penis Envy.'"
"F*cking hell, it's like I'm reading Sigmund Freud all over again."

Amidus Drexel

2014-08-13, 02:44 AM

DM: “It’s in clamshell packaging.”
Sam: “So you mean customer-proof packaging. I'm casting magic missile.”
Vineet: "Can I just attack this with my kukris?"
Eridinas: "I have no idea how to open this."
Sam: "It'd take a miracle to open these things... wait, I cast miracle to open the packaging."

Package: “This **** lets you breathe underwater.”
Sam: “I roll sense motive.”

DM: “I’m tired of all these mother****ing snakes in this mother****ing crate.”

DM: “You are standing over-top the manhole.”
Vineet: “I guess we go in.”
Eridinas: “Do we have any choice?”

Eridinas: “What was your miracle?”
Sam: “I opened the package for you!”
Eridinas: “How did he open it?”
Vineet: “My kukris.”
Eridinas: “How did you not damage it?”
Sam: “It was a miracle.”

Sam: “Your crab’s ****ing massive.”
Eridinas: “No, it’s Colossal.”

Sam: *casts flame strike*
DM: “You hear a small scream, but Eridinas assures you it’s just the air releasing.”
Sam: “Dammit.”

DM: “Make an ‘oh that itches’ check”

Vineet: “Is this what it’s like to drink coffee in mexico?”

Eridinas: “Honey, I funked the kids.”
Vineet: "You walk in and they all have afros and bell bottoms."

Eridinas: “I'll call him Festus and the rest Craig.”

Sam: "I am your god!"
Vineet: "No, I am your god!"
Eridinas: "No, I am your god!"
Sam: "Alright, let's roll bluff to see who gets to be the god of these hobos."

DigoDragon

2014-08-13, 07:50 AM

I'm out of X-Files quotes, so have context-free D&D!

Xander: "Rations are for when you're out traveling across the wildrness-"
Viscayne: "Without a lobster vine."

Viscayne: "My tongue knows the taste of soap."
Party: *Stares at him in confusion*
Viscayne: "My deity told me that once."

Xander: "Wait, you're worshiping a god you don't trust? You sure you're not a drow?"

Jenova: "Xander is a yummy elf!"
Xander: (chanting to self) "Please not be cannibal. Please not be a cannibal."

Xander: "Izumi, my personal advice is to play as yourself. We need someone in this party with common sense."

Max: "The door doesn't stick."
Izar: "Good, I'll get the toolbox."
Xander: "I'll get the Vaseline."
GM: (to Xander) "You stay put!"

GM: "He vanishes, leaving behind the legend of snow."

GM: "Max, Your dad said the Red Wizards were very shady people."
Max: "I can handle them."
Xander: (impersonating Max's dad) "Yeah, that's what I said before I started rolling 1s."

GM: "It's a +1 Holy Armor Piercing Ham."
Xander: "What were humans feeding those pigs?"

Izar: "My gawd, it's BonBon Baby!"

GM: "They take down the wanted poster and put up another."
Xander: "Take a number. Now assassinating #6."

GM: "I'm looking for people of a certain profile and you all fit it."
Viscayne: "Quote- 'Idiots'."

GM: "We'd like you to come back as soon as you can find information. Time is a factor."
Xander: "I'm sure we have time."
GM: "I'd like this done before your lifetime, elf."

Izumi: "Did he just call our president 'uncle'?"
Xander: "How disrespectful. Unless he was some long lost cousin... removed at least six times."
Izumi: "I seriously doubt that."
Xander: "And I agree. His hair leads me to believe someone set his head on fire and then hair-sprayed it that way."

Siegfried: "You're being paid 20,000 gold to keep me alive."
Izar: "Someone has a lot of interest in you."
Xander: "Compounded daily."

Izumi: "42 damage on a crit!? You just made the Paladin pout!"

Xander: "Who's piloting that ship, Ray Charles?"

Ship Captain: "Your mother was an orc!"
Orc Leader: "...and?"

GM: "No, it is not a bacon elemental."
Viscayne: "Aww come on, its only a CR4, we can take him!"

Stragus: "The quotes were better when you were DM."
Xander: "Why thank you... I think?"
Stragus: "We'll have to funny-ify the new GM. I'll get the rope, you get the monkeys."
Xander: "Oh, I love it when you say Get the Monkeys Xander, I mean Stragus."

braveheart

2014-08-13, 10:38 AM

GM: "you open the washing machine and *roll, roll, roll, roll* water sprays into your face, take 47" damage
me: *I had 4 hp left* "BITE THE WASHING MACHINE BAGON" *roll, roll, roll* "for 40 damage"
GM: the washing machine's door is now in bagon's mouth

Kish

2014-08-13, 12:18 PM

DigoDragon

2014-08-13, 12:32 PM

I am merely informing you that I will proceed on the assumption you were playing the Wicked Witch of the West.

Cool, so I'm not the only one thinking this. :smallbiggrin:

braveheart

2014-08-13, 12:36 PM

"Water sprays in your face, you take 47 damage?"

I know this is No Context, so I am not asking a question. I am merely informing you that I will proceed on the assumption you were playing the Wicked Witch of the West.

for the sake of comedy I will leave it without telling you what it is, (there is a hint) but it is not wicked witch of the west

Sith_Happens

2014-08-13, 12:56 PM

braveheart

2014-08-13, 01:56 PM

"and the award for best over sexualized vampire goes to"

ZeroGear

2014-08-14, 05:44 AM

for the sake of comedy I will leave it without telling you what it is, (there is a hint) but it is not wicked witch of the west

My guess is you were playing a Pokemon RPG and were fighting a Wash Rotom.

Dunsparce

2014-08-14, 08:42 AM

DM: You see three lizards in the distance, one larger than the rest
Ranger driving the coach(me): I haven't had lizard jerky in weeks! Guys, we're going to kill these things and eat them.
DM: Make a Knowledge Nature check
Ranger: *rolls high*
DM: The large one's a Basilisk
Ranger (turning back to the party in the carriage): Guys, I'm not hungry for lizard jerky anymore.

Marnath

2014-08-14, 01:01 PM

Bashhammer

2014-08-14, 02:05 PM

Just like PCs!

Just like... wait, there are PCs without pyromania?! :smalleek:

Years of playing video games and D&D has taught me that violence, fire, and kleptomania solve all problems. ALL OF THEM.
And now for a quote!

Me: *raises hand*
Giant half-orc: THE LITTLE S#@! IN THE BACK!
Me: Can Splug go change his pants now?
Giant half-orc ...THAT'S GROSS!

Necroticplague

2014-08-14, 05:55 PM

Years of playing video games and D&D has taught me that violence, fire, and kleptomania solve all problems. ALL OF THEM.
And now for a quote!

Remember kids: a good thief can steal everything that isn't nailed down, on fire, part of the building, or trying to kill them. Skilled adventurers have been known to leave behind far less that that.

Unrelated quote:

Grunt:Ma'am, the pods are all severely damaged, we can't deploy troops!
Maya:Dammit, can we try landing this planetside?
Grunt: Absolutely not, its neither aerodynamic enough nor has enough propulsion to land in an atmosphere. At best, you'd have a really impressive crash landing.
Kreig: I have an idea, follow me!
Maya: Don't, he only ever has three ideas, suicidal, insane, or suicidally insane.
Computer Systems: Warning, Aft Airlock flushed, losing pressure.
Grunt:...What in the Emperor's name is he doing?
Maya: He's either planning on hijacking a fighter in mid-flight, or plan on using himself as a kinetic drop weapon. Either way, just be glad I warned you.

DigoDragon

2014-08-14, 07:51 PM

Max: "I'm going to punch you Xander, so very hard."
Izumi: "No, you cannot punch my elf!"
Xander: "Yeah, that's right!"
Izumi: "Only I can punch him because he likes it."
Xander: "Wait, huh?"

Izumi: "Can I get a recap on what I just missed?"
Max: "Stuff happened and I exploded an orc."

GM: "You nearly crashed a ship, then you found Viscayne, then nearly killed Viscayne with the ship."
Izumi: "Funny how our luck lines up so cleanly."

GM: "Okay, everyone has comnl- conglul- comallag... I can't speak today."
PC Party: *Applauds*
Max: "Durr... potato?"

GM: "The ship sold in 12 hours. 160 gold pieces a piece for each of you." (Picks up a bag of dice)
Max: (Looks at the bag) "We sold the boat for a bag of 6-siders?"
Xander: "Yes, now we plant a few dice in the ground and it sprouts a giant vine to the Warpzone of the GM."
Max: "Before or after hitting the Mario block for the vine?"
GM: "Fe Fi Fo Fum."
Xander: "Where's the goose that lays the golden exps?"

Max: "English looose- Words of gone- Lost numbers 4- help meez!"
GM: "Apparently no one can specks to- spoke- speek..."
Xander: "I can still speak clearly. Elves are superior that way."

Izar: "He can drag a ton, barefoot, in the snow, uphill both ways."

Xander: "No, you do not chug Elven wine like that! You insult the wine. You must sip slowly in reverence to the wine's greatness."
Izar: "It's wine. Exactly how fine can Elven wine be?"
GM: "A bottle of Elven wine is so fine that you touch it and it shouts 'Do you mind, I'm vintage!' at you. Most bottles come with a sniffer. Elven wine comes with a monocle."

Xander: "Reggie, how close would you have to be to scry that ship's cargo?"
GM: "I was gonna say 3rd level."
Xander: "You suck, Reggie."

GM: "Okay, FeatherDale is... 3/4th of an inch to the SouthEast."
Xander: "Wow, we'll get there really quick if it's only that far."
GM: "Map inches you fool. The city is 110 miles away. Does anyone have a horse?"
Izar: "I had one... left it in the town of Arkett."
Xander: "A McDonalds opened up where the horse was."
Max: "Ewww..."
Xander: "The 'Golden Arches' are actually a pair of horseshoes painted gold."
Izar: "My horse, Flicka!"
Xander: "And Flicka is now proudly served on the 99 copper piece menu."

GM: "Who has first watch tonight?"
Max: "I do?"
GM: "You're having a wonderful dream of beautiful people and delicious booze."
Max: "Whoa hey! I'm on watch, not asleep!"
GM: "I know, I'm describing the dream you're missing out on."
Max: *Cries*

GM: "No one here has the survival skill? Oh good, at 8:15 everyone takes out their crossbows and chases the deer. At 8:30 they have a dead oak tree."

Stragus: "Mmmm... dead oak tree."

Izar: "I'll wake up the orc and interrogate him."
GM: "Okay, since you didn't bother tying him up first he leaps at you and clings to your leg, biting you in the knee for 4 points of damage."
Izar: "Ahhh! Get it off! Get it off!"
Max: "I dive on the orc to pull him away!"
GM: "The orc is fighting to cling to Izar's leg."
Xander: "It's like watching a wresting cage match between hobos and a soggy shaven chihuahua."

Bashhammer

2014-08-15, 03:16 AM

Druid: I knock on the door.
DM: Nothing happens.
Me, hiding in a tree: Iz dere anyting dere?
DM, jokingly: All of a sudden a giant tentacle busts through the door, grabs Siela, and pulls her into the hut.
Me: QUACK!

Shaman: I call my spirit companion.
DM: Ok. *rolls dice* You summon Spirit Chewbacca. Dan?
Me: *Wookie sound*
Rogue: Translation: 'Sup, B$%#&es!

IAmTehDave

2014-08-15, 11:10 AM

Human Fighter: Do you have authorization to be here?
Gnome bard: Do you have authorization to be here?
HF: ...yes.
GB: Well, there's your answer then! *puts his pack in the back of the cart*

H-Orc Rogue: I'll have a beer, but I'm driving so make it half strength
Dwarf Cleric: Och! Ya green Pansy. *fills half of a mug with beer, pisses in it to finish filling it*

Duke: When you come to my town, I'll provide you with food, lodging, and beer
Cleric: Oh, I've got me own beer.

Paladin: *with a handprint on his forehead* Someone shut the monk up before he reveals every secret we have...

VeliciaL

2014-08-15, 05:40 PM

Shaman: I call my spirit companion.
DM: Ok. *rolls dice* You summon Spirit Chewbacca. Dan?
Me: *Wookie sound*
Rogue: Translation: 'Sup, B$%#&es!

Now I want a spirit wookie...

Rorrik

2014-08-15, 05:44 PM

Player 1: You shot me with a dart.
Player 2: You were big and scary and armored.
GM: You feel woozy.

DigoDragon

2014-08-15, 09:52 PM

"It wasn't murder, it was Darwinism."

the OOD

2014-08-16, 12:19 AM

Remember kids: a good thief can steal everything that isn't nailed down, on fire, part of the building, or trying to kill them. Skilled adventurers have been known to leave behind far less that that.
WARNING: I may need to sig this.

@DigoDragon are your majestic 12 related to the Magestic-12 from delta-green?

DigoDragon

2014-08-16, 09:11 AM

@DigoDragon are your majestic 12 related to the Magestic-12 from delta-green?

No relation I'm afraid. :smallsmile:
Some of them were just into UFO conspiracies.

DigoDragon

2014-08-16, 10:27 AM

Izumi: "I'm taking a nap. GM, put me down as a 'Yes' to my God."
GM: "Okay, we have one in the 'Yes' pile."
Xander: "Lucky you, I didn't get a choice in the matter."
Izumi: "It's okay, I'm bringing you all peril and doom."
Xander: "Really? I smell big Exps coming my way then."
Max: "That's not helping our situation."
Xander: "Our situation was doomed from the start. Name a deity that the GM is going to use to screw us over with."
Izar: "All of them."
GM: "Ding, that's the number two answer!"
Max: *Breaks down and cries*

Xander: "I would have played a druid, but I hate hugging trees in a gorilla suit."

Max: "Where are you going?"
Xander: "I'm scouting the town, seeing where everything is laid."
Max: :D :D :D
Xander: "As in where the buildings are located."
Max: D: D: D:

Xander: "Wait, so Max has the half-orc in a headlock, but his feet aren't touching the ground?"

Izar: "These people are making me look bad."
Xander: "Being a half-human, they only make you look half bad."

Billy: "Excuse me while I perform a little clairvoyance of my own." (Passes out)

GM: "You're at the library, what are you looking for?"
Xander: "Recent news on the Order of Hermes. Promotions, Deaths, gossip."
GM: "Not looking up the last 100 years of the order?"
Xander: "Even as an elf I don't have that much time."

GM: "Bad thing is that Paladins don't normally congregate. If they do, there's a problem."
Xander: "Isn't that called a Crusade?"

GM: "Nothing says death like GM notes on a Hello Kitty note pad."

Professor Coolidge: "I'm looking for a group to clear out an excavation site. I'd like to teach Archeology in the quarry, not let my students become Archeology."
Xander: "Fair enough, we can do that for the right price."
Professor Coolidge: (Coughing fit) "Sorry, old age."
Xander: "Ah yes. Totally understandable." (Breaks down in giggles)

GM: "Make a Spot check Xander."
Xander: "See Spot check." (Rolls a 20) "Check Spot, check well!"
GM: "Here's a Hello Kitty note."
Xander: (Reads the note) "See Spot die."

GM: "Illusionary Terrain Testing, 20GP payment per day."
Xander: "Regardless whether or not you disbelieve you're actually there?"

Billy: "I remember my name, it's D Minus!"

Xander: "What did I miss?"
GM: "A female drow named Whoopie Goldberg."
Izar: "And Johnny Fever teaches evocation spells."
Xander: "... I missed a lot."

Xander: "Are you alright Max? You're bleeding."
Max: "I got jabbed at the Omega House when a game of Halfling Ball got rowdy."
Xander: "Redundant, but go on."

Xander: "We'll be working in a week to clear a quarry for the professor of Archaeology. I have reason to believe he's a necromancer."
Max: "Say again?!"
Xander: "Our employer may be a necromancer."
Izar: "As long as he's not a gray furred catfolk."
Xander: "Funny that you should describe him so accurately."
Izar: "You have GOT to be joking."
Xander: "I'm an elf, do I look like I'm joking?"

Xander: "The Order of Hermes has a fiscal budget that's bounding up exponentially."
Reggie: "How fast a jump are we talking?"
Xander: "Have you ever sat on a lit candle?"

GM: "Max, make a spot check again."
Max: *Fails*
GM: "You're staring at the chick so long you forgot to breathe."
Max: (Coughing/Gasping Fit) "Not a word, any of you!"

GM: "Because you're paying in gold, you're treated like the 2nd Highlander movie."
Xander: "Second rate and often ignored?"

Xander: "May I suggest from now on we do not share any more details to Professor Coolidge."
Reggie: "Rule 1, don't reveal more information then necessary. Rule 2, stay 25 feet away from him at all times. Rule 3, he carries a flame thrower."
Xander: "Thanks, Batman."

GM: "The professor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts is Christopher Walken?"

GM: "Izumi, make a will saving throw."
Izumi: "I critically succeeded."
GM: "You have an option."
Xander: "Like in Gradius?"

Izar: "I saw the Dean of Illusions."
Max: "If he's an illusionist, how do you know that was him?"

Phoenix: "The dean didn't like Izar's answers so he kicked us both out."
Xander: "What kind of answers?"
Izar: "I only told the truth."
Izumi: "Next time, lie."
GM: "This coming from the Paladin?!"
Max: "Best. Paladin. Ever."

GM: "Max, you spend time with your... escort. What's your strength?"
Max: "20, without mods."
GM: "For a tiny frame she can handle you decently well."
Xander: "She must wear a leather bustier of Giant Strength."
Izar: "I think the guy next door took 6 points of damage from the noise."

Xander: "What are you all listening to?"
Inn Patron: "There's a couple in there all Hot-N-Heavy and we're placing bets."
Xander: "You turned this into a sport?"
Max: "Why do you think we call it scoring?"

Xander: "With friends like these, who needs side quests?"

Izar: "That horse is family!"
Xander: "...awkward."

Xander: "Okay troupe, keep your eyes and ears sharp."
Izar: "Coming from you that's funny."

GM: "How are you holding your spear Izar?"
Izar: "Out in front."
Xander: "He hits an orc, it leaves an egg. Grab the egg with your flying ostrich and repeat."

Prince Raven

2014-08-16, 12:08 PM

Xander: "We'll be working in a week to clear a quarry for the professor of Archaeology. I have reason to believe he's a necromancer."
Max: "Say again?!"
Xander: "Our employer may be a necromancer."
Izar: "As long as he's not a gray furred catfolk."
Xander: "Funny that you should describe him so accurately."
Izar: "You have GOT to be joking."
Xander: "I'm an elf, do I look like I'm joking?"

Yay, nekomancer.

Necroticplague

2014-08-16, 02:56 PM

WARNING: I may need to sig this.

Knock yourself out.

Rater202

2014-08-17, 12:22 AM

Yay, nekomancer.

Is he perhaps learning his spells from the Nekonomicon?

DigoDragon

2014-08-17, 08:25 AM

Is he perhaps learning his spells from the Nekonomicon?

Funny you should so accurately describe his evil spell tome artifact. XD

MReav

2014-08-17, 08:27 AM

Yay, nekomancer.

That old black cat magic has me in its spell
That old black cat magic that you weave so well
Those icy paws up and down my spine
The same old witchcat when your eyes meet mine...

Rater202

2014-08-17, 04:31 PM

Funny you should so accurately describe his evil spell tome artifact. XD

Artix entertainment.

The Nekonomicon, created by Cysero the mad mystical weapon-smith, is a recurring magical artifact in their games.

Twas what I was referencing.

Madfellow

2014-08-17, 04:33 PM

"What, you don't think a bartender can keep a secret?"

DigoDragon

2014-08-17, 06:27 PM

Twas what I was referencing.

Parallel development I guess. I'm pretty sure the GM at that time never played those games. He was, however, familiar with anime and 'neko' is a pretty common word in that category.

bulbaquil

2014-08-17, 08:28 PM

P3: "I had a tiefling (tife-ling) barbarian throw my character into a pool of acid."
P2: "I had a tiefling (teef-ling) barbarian do that."

GM: "The way she's kind of blushing, you figure there's probably way more to their relationship than just concern or mere friendship."
P3 (bluntly): "I will rescue your lesbian girlfriend!"

P3 (straight male character): "How am I a lesbian? I have a d***."
P1 (lesbian female character): "So what? You still like women."
P3: "But lesbians are women who like women."
P1: "Just go with it."
P2 (straight male character): "Okay, well by that definition, I'm also a lesbian."

P2: "Let me make an intelligence check to know what 'science' is."

NeoPhoenix0

2014-08-17, 09:32 PM

DM:"The yak crits three fiendish sharks in a row"

DM:"as you dispose of the sharks you notice that the third one is missing and the yak is standing where it was."

player:"alpaca blood for the yak god"

I think we are gonna go places with this campaign.

Alex12

2014-08-17, 10:25 PM

"Can my character be named Pazuzu?"

DigoDragon

2014-08-18, 08:47 AM

GM: "Is everyone here for the session?"
Izar: "Yup."
Max: "Hail, Hail, the gang is all here?"
Xander: "Soon it'll be Heal, Heal, the gang is all hurt."

Reggie: "Oh Craaa-"
GM: "A buzzard slams into Reggie and explodes into a ream of paper."
Xander: "The mail's here!"

Izar: "Viscayne is a cleric of sex?"
Viscayne: "I cast Entropic Wang."
Xander: "So every day is a good day for you?"
Izar: "Instead of Holy Water it's a flask of Viagra."

Izar: "Now I just need to be undisturbed for 24 hours... by other people."
Xander: "Nice save."

College Girl: "We're the Fraternity of Phi Kappa Delta House."
Izar: "But you're girls. Shouldn't it be a sorority?"
College Girl: "Screw naming conventions, we got money!"

Drunkard: "Delta House is under a plague, we're out of alcohol!"
Izumi: (Deadpan) "Oh no... who will save them?"

Professor Coolidge: "Why, pray tell, are you heading north?"
Max: "Eh, there's a bucket up there I need to wee in."
Xander: "Thanks, Spanky Ham."
Max: "You're Welcome Xander."

Viscayne: "Our dog's butt (Max) is rumored to be at the Delta House."
Xander: "Lead the way. Izumi, get the others at the library."
Izumi: "Aww, I wanna go to the Delta house."
Xander: "No, you'd end up smiting half the fraternity there."
Izumi: "You're no fun. Can't I have a little smiting?"

Xander: "Izumi, Do you want to give them the bad news or shall I?"
Izumi: "You go ahead Xander."
Viscayne: "I'm pregnant."
Party: *Goes Silent*

Izumi: "What is Orcus' unholy symbol?"
Max: (Rolls a 1 on INT check) "Wario's trousers I think."

Izumi: "If these orcs are followers of Orcus, they might carry his symbol."
Max: "How do we find out if they worship Orcus?"
Viscayne: "We could ride by them shouting Orcus is a f*g!"
PCs: *Silent contemplation*
Izumi: "I'll get the horses!"
Max: "Crafting a megaphone!"
Xander: "I got the Vaseline!"
GM: "Why do you have that on your character sheet anyway?"

MOAR Quotes~
Viscayne: "Yar, it's something baby-like. It's small and crunchy."

GM: "So are you all returning to town?"
Xander: "Yes. We're getting a night's sleep and in the morning we're going to beat up some orcs."
Izar: "Wait, don't we want to sign up for the job first?"
Xander: "They're orcs. This is a higher calling than money."
GM: "He's doing this for elf moralistic reasons."

GM: "There are four constables downstairs."
Agaron: "Better then four variables."

GM: "Why does that sound so familiar as a Kennedy act?"
Viscayne: "Because you've done it before."

Xander: "We heard you have an orc problem. We're here to solve it."
Clerk: "And you are?"
Xander: "The Order of the Stick."
Xander's Party: "Huh?!?"
Izar: "Can it be something less cheesy than grand theft of a comic idea?"
Xander: "Alright, alright. We are- The Linear Guild."
Izar: "...Wait a minute."

GM: "Aganon, roll tracking."
Aganon: (Rolls a 1) "There's something behind us leaving horse tracks."
Max: "Our horses."

Viscayne: "I cast RUN LIKE ****!"

Viscayne: "I'm so glad I saw the skittle bag or I'd swear you just ate your dice."
GM: *Munch Munch*

Aganon: "I see the orc tracks, but there's a large set of tracks I can't identify."
Xander: "An orc with a glandular problem?"
Viscayne: "It's like a manwich!"
Max: "But... with orcs?"

Phoenix: "I found a pit trap."
Max: "Is it edible?"
Phoenix: "Maybe."

Izar: "I can't run anywhere, I'm trapped!"
Xander: "Can you phase through the wall?"
Ogre: "Grrr, squishies!"
Izar: "Soon enough I think..."

GM: "Search checks."
Xander & Viscayne: "21!"
Xander & Viscayne: "Up yours!"
Xander & Viscayne: "Dang!"
Max: "What incense were you two burning?"

GM: "You're looking at a 30' pit before you."
Xander: "Hmm... we can use this as a grave, bury the 13 orcs we killed, fill it with dirt, and then cross over the pit to the other side."
Viscayne: "Cleric power!"

Izumi: "What are you all doing?"
Xander: "Well, Viscayne, Max, and I filled the pit with the bodies of the orcs we slayed-"
Izumi: "You turned that pit into a grave?"
Xander: "Well yeah. What else is a grave but a dug pit for bodies?"
Viscayne: "Look ma, no mess!"
Izumi: "And you three did that just to cross the pit?"
Xander: "In my defense I filled the hole, but I did not cross."

Hazrond

2014-08-18, 10:15 AM

"Does the dwarf's beard count as a fine object?"
"You see the cleric run through a door and a beam of holy energy bursts forth healing everyone 15ft to the left of you"
"Apparently the power of god's one weakness is brick walls"
"The dwarf with the flaming beard runs behind the bar and dunks himself in a barrel of ale"

Excerpts from last nights introductory game :smallbiggrin:

Milodiah

2014-08-18, 10:35 AM

Cleric: "Oh St. Cuthbert, hear my prayers! Please, help us open these cages!"

ST. CUTHBERT: "Hello, you've reached Saint Cuthbert's prayer line. How may we help you achieve JUSTICE today?"

Cleric: "...I, uh...I need these cold iron cages to be opened."

ST CUTHBERT: "One moment...hm. Those cages contain dryads, so...this technically falls under Obad-Hai's jurisdiction. Transferring you now." *ring ring...ring ring...ring ring...

Cleric: "...what?"

OBAD-HAI: "This is Obad-Hai, God of Nature. How may I assist you?"

Cleric: "I need these cold iron cages opened, they have dryads in them."

OBAD-HAI: "...it says here you're a cleric of St. Cuthbert, I'll transfer you over to-"

Cleric: "-don't you dare-"

*ring ring...ring ring...ring ring...ring ring

ST CUTHBERT: "Hello, you've reached Saint Cuthbert's prayer line. How may we help you achieve JUSTICE today?"

Cleric: "I JUST GOT TRANSFERRED BY- you know what, put me through to Wee Jas."

*ring ring...ring ring...ring ring...ring ring...

WEE JAS: "Hello there."

Cleric: "Listen, I've been transferred three times by you ********, just need to-"

WEE JAS: "Have you considered using that acid over there?"

Cleric: "..."

A Tad Insane

2014-08-18, 03:59 PM

Me: I use the rod of wonder
Dm: You get the impression of being comforted by an ugly motherly figure and the most embarrassing moment of your life

Other pc: Regdar slides through the grease and tackles them
Me: Silvia giggles as she thinks about yaoi

Dasgovernator

2014-08-19, 12:38 AM

"Sorry guys, I lost the sun. I hope you have dark-vision".

Diachronos

2014-08-19, 01:23 PM

Drow Samurai: "I accidentally katana'd."

Vampire: *lunges out of coffin and pins party's necromancer to the wall by the neck*
Necromancer: "Hi, Mom!"

Wait staff at stereotypical "goth"-themed restaurant: "Hey, cool dead snake decoration!"
*Zombie snake lifts its head to look at him; everyone in the place runs away screaming*

Half Dragon Barbarian: "And the second claw crits again!"

Player 1: "Can we just take 20 on this Grisgol?"
DM: "Yeah..."

bulbaquil

2014-08-19, 09:33 PM

P3: "It's 11:00 in the morning, the best time of day to do a stealth run!"
P1: "It's 11:00 in the morning in what's probably the worst part of Seattle."
GM: "And you just started a hobo riot against Aztechnology."

P6: "Wait, what time is it again?"
P3: "Eleven A.M.!"
P6: "So wait, we get the job done, and then we break for lunch."

GM: "One hobo has declared himself the leater of the hobos. Yes, 'leater.'"
P3: "He's about four gallons."

P2: "I'm sure he will know that we finished the job when he finds out the building's gone."

P5: "He's French and an elf. He'd know."

P6: "Okay, we're going to need two dessert carts here. The first one has mine, [P5]'s, [P3]'s, [P4]'s, and [P2]'s on it, the second has [P1]'s."

Nahro

2014-08-20, 06:48 AM

Well I'd like to share aswell :3

The Party is currently guests in a rather big castel, attending a ball that's to be held the next evening.
Ranger and Cleric are exploring the Gardens, while Wizard studies in the library.
As the Range and Cleric are not so prone with Royal Ettiquete the Wizard wants to check up on them via Sending spells:

Wizard: "What are you doing guys? Is Everything ok?"
Cleric: "All is well, we are just about to swim naked into a lake to pet a dragon"
Wizard: *audibly speaks*" WHAT?!"
*Other library goers stare at him*

Cleric: "Nothing left to eat!"
Fighter: "No wonder, fatty!"
Cleric: I throw the couch at him! *rolls natural 20*

Fighter: "The Door is locked - cananybody open locks?" *looks at rogue*
Rogue: *whistles inocently, as he doesnt want to out himself as Rogue*
Wizard: "Maybe try to find another way in?"
*15 Minutes of trying to get in there, with no avail*
Ranger: "How about we try to knock?" *goes and knocks*
DM: You hear a slightly frightened voice, and footsteps before you hear the door is being unlocked from the inside.

So much we haven't had a lot of sessions yet - but it was entertaining nonetheless x3

DigoDragon

2014-08-20, 08:59 AM

Drow Samurai: "I accidentally katana'd."

*Spittaked his coffee laughing so hard*

Izumi: "I like my feet. My feet can pick up things."
Xander: "I assume this isn't something taught in Paladin school?"

Xander: "Izumi, this is your share of yesterday's treasure."
Izumi: "But, didn't we already divvy the treasure up?"
Xander: "No, we did not."
Izumi: "Okay, just checking because I didn't want to write down more treasure then needed."
Xander: "That's what the poor is for."

Xander: "Hey boy, would you like a kick in the--"
Max: "Bad elf! Bad elf!" (Hits Xander with a rolled up newspaper)
Xander: "Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"
Izar: "Yeah right. Like the human guards are going to do anything for you."
GM: "Oh, this is an Elf killing. Let's go home."

GM: "So you're traveling along on your horses..."
Max: *Horse trotting noises*
Xander: "Where did you get the coconuts?"

Izar: "What? I heard something about 30 seconds till critical sugar?"

Aganon: "What's in those boxes?"
Izumi: "Dead ducks. Light stuff."
Aganon: "The boxes weigh more then the ducks?"
Izar: "Well yeah, unless it's made of wood it weighs more then a duck and therefore isn't a witch."

Aganon: "No offense, but right now you guys aren't really impressing me."
Izumi: "Vincent thinks I'm cool."
Max: "I'm not Vincent!"
Xander: "Again, about that impressing thing."

Xander: "Okay, everyone take an hour break. Please, no houses of ill repute."
Izar: "The elf is having something of being a prude."
Xander: "No, the elf is having something called morals. M-O-R-A-L-E-S."
Izar: "Except that's not how you spell it."

GM: "Viscayne's a cleric in a wizarding town. He's out of place like the Tin Woodsman with a Chef Boyardee sticker on his back."

Xander: "I've never heard of a Charismatic Disemboweling."

Xander: "Is there anything I can do to win favor with your group?"
Warmage: "To be a warmage you must have a desire of blood and battle. As an elf I don't see that in you."
Xander: "That's why us elves are always on the top in war."
Table: "Oooooh!" :D

Max: "I dunno what Xander said, but I'm sportin' wood."

Phoenix: "Where are you running?"
Reggie: "Awwwaaayyy!"

Aganon: "What did the warmage say?"
Xander: "I got the name of the professor that is after Reggie. Bad news is that I accidentally kicked their ego in the cherry."
Aganon: "Accidentally?"
Xander: "Well, maybe somewhat intentional."

Xander: "I run adjacent to the warmage and sunder his wand."
GM: "The warmage drops the broken wand and hits you with a sonic blast. 20 points of damage."
Xander: "I just made a new friend."

Warmage: "Any last words, elf?"
Xander: "Yeah, did you know Paladins have very flexible feet?"
Warmage: "What?"
Izumi: *Drops from above on warmage, rolls a 20*

Xander: "Well, we lost the fight, but stopped the warmages from capturing Reggie. Imagine the conversation those warmages will have with their boss trying to explain how they failed their objective because of a group called The Order of the Stick."
Aganon: (Impersonating the BBEG) "You guys were beaten by a stick?"

Izar: "I have no discretion, I'm a singer. I get it from both sides."
Xander: "Please tell me you meant parents with that remark."

Izar: "I'm glad I didn't become a warmage."
Xander: "Warmage nothing, you almost became a Chicken McNugget."

Prof. Coolidge: "Paladin, where did you get that mark?"
Izumi: "It's a temp tattoo from a box of crackerjacks, what do you think?"

Prof. Coolidge: "Oww, that mark burns to the touch!"
Izar: "Did I catch the significance of that?"
GM: "No, it's just a fox paw, but you know it's real magic."
Xander: "So did the fox paw just perform a faux pas?"

Max: "How strong is the brandy?"
GM: "Napoleon is laughing at you and he hasn't even been born yet."

Schylerwalker

2014-08-20, 01:36 PM

Aidan: To NPC Well while you've been sittin on your #$% here in camp, I've been out adventuring and gettin good. Reeeal good.

*Aidan proceeds to charge the NPC and makes one attack, which misses, even on his relatively good roll. The NPC proceeds to full attack the fighter for almost 60 damage, dropping him well into the negatives.*

NPC: "Next?"

Necroticplague

2014-08-20, 01:57 PM

Robber: O.k, this is a stick-up, nobody move, and nobody gets hurt!
NPCs"*hit the ground*
Shibu: Sweet, this is gonna make my trip a heck of a lot quicker.
*walks up to teller*
Teller: I don't know how to open the safe, but you can have all the money in the register, just don't kill me!
Shibu:Relax, I'm not with him, I'm actually trying to make a deposit.
Robber: Do you think I'm Joking? On the ground, B****!
Shibu: I know you can't kill me.
Robber: Says you!
*Shotgun noises*
Shibu: See, right through the heart and still standing. Now, as the good book says "do into others as you would have them do onto you..."
*coughs up a shotgun*
Robber:What the h*** are you?
Shibu: The one telling you can either turn yourself in to the police outside who arrived while we were talking and their bosses, or you can deal with me and my boss. I'd go with the former, if I were you, my boss is in a pretty bad mood.

Sith_Happens

2014-08-20, 10:12 PM

"Okay, you are officially glomping an oni."

Late Player: "Hello, everyone."
Other Player: "Hi. Us two [*points*] are each grappling one of them two [*points*] to keep them from pushing a pair of yet more buttons we found."
Late Player: "...So I get here and there's intra-party conflict going on."

Player 1: "I would hug [Player 4], but I'm across the table."
Player 2: "HUG TRANSFER!"
*Player 2 hugs Player 1, then Player 4*
Player 2: "Hug delivered."

*devious grin*
"You don't want to know what happens when you crit fail an attack on the DM."

PC 1: "Does anyone need healing?"
PC 2: [Points to PC 3] "Not her."
PC 1: "Are you sure? She looks unconscious."
PC 2: "She's taking a nap."
PC 1: "...She's covered in bruises."
PC 2: "We disagreed as to whether it was nap time yet."

"Plot exposition is a free action."

PC 1: "I roll to breathe. [*rolls*] I got a two."
DM: "Anatomical functions are DC -5."
PC 2: "I hope none of them are Charisma, Dexterity, Intelligence, or Concentration-based, or else a Barbarian can't attempt them."
PC 1: *laughs* "'You suffocate to death from raging too long.'"
PC 2: "...Oh, that's why its length is based on your Constitution."
PC 1: "This makes too much sense."

PC 1: "So, are you a Marut or what?"
Construct: "I'm sorry, existential quandaries are not within my thinking range."
PC 2: "But the phrase 'existential quandary' is."

Mutazoia

2014-08-21, 09:24 AM

PC1: *draws MacGuffin sword* "I've got a life-time supply of extra-strength whoop-ass and I'm handing out free samples....who wants some?"

VeliciaL

2014-08-21, 10:09 AM

DM: The caravan hands in the background roll their eyes at you.
Mialee: The lady in the foreground also rolls her eyes at you.

DigoDragon

2014-08-22, 08:03 AM

GM: "The first rays of the sun strike you as dawn approaches."
Xander: "It's coming right for us!"
Izumi: "Run away! run away!!"
Reggie: "We're all going to die!! This this it! Game over, man! Game over!!"
GM: "..."

Izumi: "Oh lord Bahamut, I am sorry I had to hunt and kill this rabbit in thy name for our food but... sh*t, we needed food."

Xander: "We could deep fat fry the rabbit. We need a Force Cage, two castings of Grease, and a wand of Fireballs."
GM: "Your alignment is going down hill."
Xander: "Not that kind of elf."
Max: "Then what kind are you?"
Xander: "The kind that's going to be kicking back and enjoying a deep fat fried rabbit with a side of biscuits and a nice white wine."

Marcus: "What was the other race in my hometown?"
Max: "Cheese."
GM: "Death."
Xander: "The Daytona 500."

Xander: "Edgar, we're as dumb as a bag of hammers."
Max: "What movie is that quote from?"
Xander: "Uh... Oh Boy, Where Am I?"
Izar: "That's Oh Brother, Where Art Thou!"
Max: "Awesome alternate title, Xander."

Izar: "My cat wants to eat."
Max: "Familiars eat?"
GM: "They live on love."
Izar: "... cat's doomed."

Izar: "No fish out here? I'll order the duck then."
Xander: "He couldn't find fish so he calls fowl."

GM: "You see a courier putting up the new mail news."
Marcus: "So where's the male mail hail?"
Xander: "Do they charge for the news out here?"
GM: "No, it's free."
Xander: "Oh, so it's not a 'fee-mail'."
Party: *Groans*

Jenova: (throws a flag) "Offensive Punning. Against Xander. 500 XP penalty. Remains first down."

GM: "You see a gray wheel roll up to you."
Xander: "An invisible cart with a borrowed spare wheel?"
GM: "The wheel unfolds and transforms into this large monster shown here."
Reggie: "We're all going to die!! This this it! Game over, man! Game over!!"

Max: "When you said it 'transforms', I was hoping it would have a sad red bulldog symbol on it's chest."

GM: "The monster is sniffing about for you."
Xander: "We... have a plan, right?"
Max: "Yes we do, oh fearless leader. Don't we?"
Xander: "Hey, my plan was to run in the other direction. Everyone then took Izumi's idea and here we are."
Izumi: "Let's get it!"
Max: "That's your plan? Get it?"

GM: "And you're off!"
Marcus: "Like a dirty shirt."

Izar: "Its known as 'Taking one for the team', stupid."
GM: "You got the stupid part right."

GM: "It'll take you an hour to go around the ravine."
Xander: "That's fine. We're saving our stupidity for when we get to Hap Village."
Max: "Fair enough. Dur hur hur, potato."

Izumi: "Are we in battle?"
GM: "Kinda sorta. Izar's fighting off laundry and losing."
Izumi: "Um..." O_o;

Xander: "In the Name of Tamara I banish you to the Haines you came from!"

Marcus: "I'll get you, you cursed underwear!"
Xander: "Eh? Someone hexed your tightie-whities?"
Izumi: "Dang, how many times are we getting pants-ed?"

Xander: "Hey Izar, I suddenly have an urge to run in the other direction really quickly. Care to join me?"
Izar: "Yes, by all means, lead the way."
Xander: "Marcus, care to join our marry romp in the other direction?"
Marcus: "Like Beethoven and Cheese!"
Xander: "Uh... I'll take that as a yes."

GM: "Do you bite the tree?"
Marcus: "CHOMP!"
GM: "Do you chew on the bark?"
Marcus: "Chew Chew Chew."
Xander: "No, Purify Food & Drink won't help him here."

Xander: "No amount of Diplomacy will stop a tree from falling on you."

Ionbound

2014-08-23, 09:00 PM

"NURSE ALL THE GIRL-CRUSHES WHILE THE DICE SAY NO MOVES ON THE PROTAGONIST!!"

And to deal with the all caps block, I have this blurb.

DigoDragon

2014-08-24, 09:03 AM

Xander: "Just under 2000 Exp until my next level up."
GM: "That's about a 3rd level character's worth. Know any 3rd level characters you can kill?"
Xander: *Eyes the party*

Xander: "What's up? Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel?"
Reggie: "No, it's a brick thrown at my head with a light spell on it."

GM: "Marcus flies down into the tents by the town and vanishes."
Marcus: "Like a pickle in a windstorm!"

Nigel: "Do you have a plan? You could find a tent to stay at."
Xander: "I prefer the sturdy walls on an Inn. Somehow they're safer and tents burn faster."
Izar: "Especially when your girlfriend comes flying through it!"
GM: "This party has issues."

Izar: "I tried to abbreviate Longbow and autocorrect gave me 'Laser Guided Bomb'."

Izumi: "But you didn't say 'Bless You' when I sneezed!" (Draws sword)

GM: "I wrote down a list of the gods that are worshiped at this church."
Xander: "Pelor, Boccob... Pocahantas?"

Izar: "Cool, cool, depressing, cool."

Merchant: "Jock's Arrow Shop. We give you the shaft."

Soldier: "We will help our Ludician brothers!"
Xander: "Into the ground."

Soldier: "We stand for the cause of truth."
Xander: "I stand because there's no chair to sit on."

Izar: "Xander, I'm going to try something risky."
Xander: "What is your idea? I'd like to know what minimum safe distance I should be at."

Xander: "Of course we stand out. Izar has flaming-bright hair that looks like Carrot Top, Max carries a knife bigger then he is, Marcus gnaws on tree bark as a snack, and Izumi somehow managed to figure out how to use her Smite Evil ability with a tattoo. I feel left out.
Izar: "Admitting the problem is the first step to solving it."
Xander: "Shut up Carrot Top before I put your hair out."

Voice: "Excuse me, are you a cleric of Tamara?"
Xander: "Yes, can I help you?"
GM: "You are hit with an arrow for 3 points of damage."
Xander: "Okay, so he needs help with a beat-down."

Xander: "I learned this trick playing poker with a silver dragon."
Xander: (Breathes Ice on the assassin)
GM: "Ranged touch?"
Xander: "Nope, auto hit. He's the next trick-- Reflex DC is 25."
Assassin: "Oww! It's cold, It's cold!"

Assassin: (Casts Darkness) "Nyah Nyah! You can't see me!"
Izumi: *Punches the darkness with her spiked gauntlet. Rolls a nat 20*
Assassin: "Oww! It's pointy, It's pointy!"

Izar: "What happened to you?"
Izumi: "We tangled with a cleric of Bane."
Priest: "Bane's followers? Believers in pain, suffering and strife?"
Xander: "Yeah, I already tried out the demo, thanks."

Necroticplague

2014-08-24, 09:15 AM

"That which does not kill made has made a mistake that its going regret very shortly"

"Hey, dudes, screw the run. I've been paying attention to the security and weapons we've been going up against. If we simply started stealing everything that took a potshot at us, we could easily leave with 20 times the nuyen we'd get from actually finishing this. And thats not even counting the possibility of looting the mages for foci."

"Kiss my Immunity to Weapons 5, B****es!"

Sith_Happens

2014-08-24, 02:07 PM

"Hey, dudes, screw the run. I've been paying attention to the security and weapons we've been going up against. If we simply started stealing everything that took a potshot at us, we could easily leave with 20 times the nuyen we'd get from actually finishing this. And thats not even counting the possibility of looting the mages for foci."

I wonder just how many Shadowrun campaigns end this way?:smallamused:

Pinkie Pyro

2014-08-24, 04:34 PM

[half-succubus]: He got the tentacles to leave. "My mother is a succubus and we are trying to take over a couple villages so that Half-Demons and Demons can live peacefully with Humans." He said sounding really pleased with the idea. "It would be a place where all would be welcome no matter what their parents were, even Half-Elves would be welcome for once int heir lives."

[half-nymph]: "no, no one will ever welcome a half elf."

Kid Jake

2014-08-24, 07:02 PM

Michael Stockton: "I scale the building to continue the battle!" *rolls a 10*
Me: "Alright, you make it as far as the first window sill. This might take a while."
Michael Stockton: "I don't care how long it takes! I'm going to go up there and show that monster what I think of him!" *rolls a 3*
Me: "You fall about 10ft and knock the wind out of yourself."
Michael Stockton: "Alright, I'm just going to lay down here for a bit then. I'm sure Mann can handle things."
Mann: "I take the stairs..."

Sith_Happens

2014-08-24, 07:13 PM

ZeroGear

2014-08-24, 08:22 PM

"I'm getting a quiver for like glaives."

"Yes, I'm pretty sure I smash down the door."

[PC2]: "9/10 monsters agree, I taste better then either of you."
[PC1]: "Yeah, I taste like metal and ass."

"What kind of thing is a moving puddle?"

[PC2]: "Can I get knowledge: fourth wall?"
[PC1]: "That's only a class skill for deadpool."

"I felt pain from the pun. I may be immune to hit point damage, but I'm not immune to pain."

[DM]: "I don't think puddles bleed."
[PC2]: "You don't know until you try."

"Oh, Puddles! Let's all have a scaredness party! I not good at jokes."

"You missed an AC of 5!?"

[PC3]: "No one shall goo... I'm not good at this."
[DM]: "I guess this is GOO-d bye!"

"We continue our oreo with constitution in the middle."

"I ready an action to curative bi***hslap.:

"Ghost slapping. My favorite hobby."

[PC3]: "How many ranks of craft pun do you have?"
[PC1]: "All of them!"

"I sort of want to watch naruto except naruto is replaced by an ocre jelly."

"I'll kill you with this pully!"

"It makes more sense to hit someone with a fish, then to hit them when they are a fish."

"I now smash this weapon with cursebreaker, which is the name I just chose for this greatclub I've used to smash two cursed weapons today!"

[Murry (talking staff]: "He's the master of Creation and Enhancement!"
[PC2]: "Okay then, he's going to meet the master of Life and Death and I'll kill him!"

Silus

2014-08-24, 11:10 PM

Not a campaign quote, but this made me giggle a little:

Me: Ugh no more pints of stout for me. Not for a while at least. And not if I don't have a girl to cuddle with.
Friend: Gods, you're worldbuilding while drunk?

Diachronos

2014-08-25, 03:04 AM

DM: "You notice in the light that your skin's now a dark, almost metallic ebony color."
Human Skald: "Oh geez, I turned into the African American subtype."

Fighter: "I wish for a major magic weapon, another draw from the deck, and I wish Corey-"
Entire table: "NO!!!"

Skald: "I make a Perception check in the dining hall." *nat 1* "Well at least I can see the tables."
DM: "No, you can't."
Witch: "You think it's a gazebo."

Shaman: "I roll to disbelieve the town."

DM: "I don't have random encounter tables worked out so I'm just using Donjon."
Witch: "As long as we don't encounter any planets covered in sulphur dioxide, we're good."

Winter Wolf: "You lot may be the gods' last hope."
Me: (OOC) "Well, they're boned."
DM: (OOC) "The wolf agrees."

bulbaquil

2014-08-25, 09:57 PM

P2: "So get up there!"
P4: "Well, I would, if there wasn't a dwarf and a [P3] in the way."

P4: "The door's only entangled."

P4: "[P2] reloads. [P3]?"
P2: "I reload [P3]?"
P3: "That's an odd feeling. [P3] has never been reloaded."

GM: "You have taken your free action of discussing what free action you're going to take."

P2: "Because apparently I'm really good at rolling 6's on d6's. Thank you, Pirates vs. Ninjas, and not Shadowrun! They hate me when I roll multiple d6's."

Dimers

2014-08-25, 11:08 PM

There are horological charts, which doesn't mean what you think it means.

So you have a serial killer, a gay bathhouse and a sweep-me-up fantasy ...

No, he moved himself but his moustache is still there.

"'Allo, guvnah! Pip pip," he says, in his best Austrian accent.

He's like gravity, except he sells moustaches.

Marga: I cast Detect Magic on the bowl. Double ... double ... double ... double ... 7. With my modifiers, that's a 70.
DM: You know everything there ever is to know about the bowl's magic. It's nonmagical.

Grindel: Is the alligator an alligator or a crocodile?
DM: The alligator is a crocodile but he's not here right now.

DigoDragon

2014-08-26, 10:03 AM

Xander: "Can anyone make curlers look good?"
GM: "Maybe if they're not wearing anything else?"

Izar: "I come out wearing three badges."
Xander: "Did you just graduate the boy scouts?"
Izumi: "No, I'm looking at that last one and it's the Star Trek insignia."
Izar: "Well, there is a reason for that."
Xander: "Because you're a Star Trek fan?"

Izar: "I'll let you know when I sprout feathers."

Izar: "If I wanted to join a cause I hated, I'd join the Bellayne Army."
Izumi: "I find that offensive. I'm from the country of Bellayne."
Izar: "Then prepare to be offended many times on the next turn."
Xander: "Being offended is a free action now?"

Halfling: "My name is Ostler."
Izar: "Like the small appliance company?"
Xander: "Well he is about the height of a blender."

GM: "Meanwhile as the group decides on a plan, Charlie Brown takes votes on the raft."

Xander: "Knowing that Elena is a vampire and she can't ignore the urge to drink blood, she instituted Capitol Punishment. You get a last meal and then become a meal. Like my brother said, this would be a great sponsorship for McGruff. Take a Bite out of crime!"

Marcus: "Hey guys! I got a new friend." (Holds up a hand puppet made from a sack of ash)
Xander: "How... handy."
Izar: "That was terrible."
Marcus: "Oh you don't know Leacher that well."
Izumi: "Who is Leacher?"
Marcus: "The sack is Leacher. But Leacher killed Leacher so Leacher is a bit ashen."
Xander: "...We picked up a weirdo."

GM: "Marcus, you were given 750 gold pieces by the party to keep a secret."
Xander: "Marcus, you know what the secret is, right?"
Marcus: "Uh... no."
Xander: "Good, it's working."

Marcus: "You wouldn't happen to have seen a flying sword go by, did you?"
Izar: "Is there a watery tart lobbing scimitars at people?"

Xander: "For a nut job, you're pretty quick."

Puppet Leacher: "This is a bad idea."
Xander: "Well, they have ranged weapons and we're within that range... it's all good."

Marcus: "The nice thing of Color Spray is that it's non-lethal."
GM: "So are these gnolls. Stupid die rolls."

Halfling: "Marcus, do you need healing?"
Marcus: "Are you kidding, this is awesome!" (Hits self with the Color Spray Wand)
Party: "..."
Marcus: *Critical Fails his saving throw, he is now blind, dumb, & unconscious*
Party: "..."

Izumi: "That wand is a danger to him."
Xander: "I can wrap a cloth around it like a cover. It'll look like cotten candy, but... no wait, bad idea."

Marcus: "Where's the wand?"
Izumi: (Whispering) "I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you."
Marcus: "I retract my question."
Puppet Leacher: (Whispering) "Good choice."

Xander: "I can wake up Izar by waking up his cat."
GM: "The cat can spray you."
Xander: "In return I can spay the cat."
Marcus: "There's no spell for that."
Xander: "Oh, I don't need a spell..."

GM: "As you're cooking a rabbit, you see something in the distance."
Xander: "Camelot!"
Izar: "Camelot!"
Marcus: "Camelot!"
Max: "It's only a model."
Izar: "Shhh!"

Xander: "'General' is not spelled with a J."
Izumi: "Who are you taking to?"
Xander: (Sarcastically) "The JM."

Marcus: "Theory #5-- the rabbit population is about to explode and take over the world."

Xander: "We're not trying to scare you off, we're just warning you. But usually that scares people off anyway."

Xander: "He may be a hand-me-down puppet."
Puppet Leacher: "More like a hand-me-up."

GM: "You don't want that."
Xander: "We never wanted that! No one at this table in their right mind would want that! But you gave us that anyway!"
GM: "...and?"
Xander: "And, well it's in my travel bag right now."

Izumi: "When did we enter a game of Pikman?"

Xander: "New tide with beach. Get your sea foam gleaming white!"

IAmTehDave

2014-08-26, 03:47 PM

Me, reading the spell: It says the Spiritual Weapon can take any form you want it to.
Dwarf Cleric: Then I know what it'll be.
DM: A 6-foot tall tankard of ale appears next to the giant Scorpion and smashes it...

Inkeeper's daughter: Breakfast is on me.
Bard: Can breakfast be on you?
DM: Was that in character?
Bard: ...tempting, but let's say no...

(I really need to keep a notebook handy when playing in that campaign...)

"So we might end up owning TWO Islands by the end of this"

Erik Vale

2014-08-26, 07:42 PM

Last night was fun.
-----
DM: "There's a Herd of Triceretops in the clearing, and you notice 7 stomping towards you all, rather agressive."
[Archer]: "I shoot one."
Me: "Dude! There's a herd of them! And they may just be playing aggressive like dog play fighting!"
[Archer]: "They're aggressively coming towards us and are huge."

DM: "Ok, You're turn."
[Paladin, 1st turn.]: I climb up a tree.

DM: The Herd, hearing members roaring in pain, begins to move towards you.
*Spot Check*
DM: There's about 25 of them.

*Most of party climbs up trees, except two basically dying ones, including archers, one of the rangers has fled*
Paladin: "I climb down to try and save them."'
*Rounds of combat*
Me: Man, Paladins just do not go down. [Was being shoved around, needed a 1 to be pushed over by a triceratops]
Paladin: But see why running or climbing was a good idea?
Me: Pfft, climbing, I can fly!

*Combat going badly, has spotted large flying creature approaching*
Me: I use Thuamaturgy to create a distant roar of some sort of predator in the direction of the big flying thing.
DM: The Triceratops herd quickly forms a circle with much great noise, breaking off combat and ignoring you all.

*Paladins saved people, all in hiding, me in canopy because I can fly*
DM: *Rolling* Suddenly a big black dragon bursts through the canopy.
Me: Silence
DM: *Full attack action* [Me]? Your HP?
Me: 39.
DM: It almost did double your health. Take a death mark.
Me: *Panicking* Uhh... I have misty escape! I use it!
DM: Roll luck and wisdom.
Me: 20 and 5.
DM: You do, you teleport 60ft down into some branches which support your now unconcious body, but not closer to the healers.
[Other Wizard]: I misty step to a new tree.
DM: Anyone want to do anything.
*Measuring*
Paladin: She's 60ft higher than me and 60ft across, this will sort itself out before I get there.

DM: Ok, you regain conciousness at 1 HP.
Me: I say "Thank god."
DM: It's more of a gurgle really... And now, with everyone but one mage severely battered and hiding in trees with a herd of scared Triceretops below you, that's the night... I also don't see you travelling anytime soon so I'll discard your next 3 combat encounters for the day.
*Realises we rolled 5 encounters*
Ranger: And I can't show up next week, so it's a good thing I ran away.

DigoDragon

2014-08-26, 08:46 PM

Rogue: "Remember, don't drink and DM. If you are going to drink always shave a designated DM."

Gear: "It's, nice, having Father back home, even if he was a bit over protective at first."
Sapphire: "I really don't think being concerned when your son lost a leg counts as being over protective, Gear. Do you?"
Gear: "...I only lost half of it."

Diachronos

2014-08-26, 09:04 PM

Rogue: "Remember, don't drink and DM. If you are going to drink always shave a designated DM."

Please tell me that wasn't a typo.

Rater202

2014-08-26, 11:20 PM

Please tell me that wasn't a typo.

It twas, but on the part of Rogue, not Digo.

Gracht Grabmaw

2014-08-27, 12:32 PM

"So the door lies broken down before you as you enter the little hut. There's still no sign of the owner, but the fireplace in the corner of the place still glows dimly with embers."
"I take out a piece of chalk and scribble 'ORCS WAS HEAR' in Orcish on the door."
"I turn to the wizard and ask him what he's doing."
"Uh, it's a protection spell to hide our tracks from her after we go."

GPuzzle

2014-08-27, 08:47 PM

"I will f*ck Catherine the Great."

"Welcome to hell."
"Oh, great! Hell's way better than Cthulhu!"

"So what's going on right now is that Simo Hayha is singing Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?"
"Yes."
"I seppuku'ed."

"I fight with three Katanas!"
"And your Wisdom is negative."

Rater202

2014-08-27, 10:46 PM

"So what's going on right now is that Simo Hayha is singing Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?"
"Yes."
"I seppuku'ed."

Okay, I know this is supposed to be no context, but if you don't give me the context in spoiler or PM form, I'll have to pull a Roger Smith and go "Nyah!' until you give in.

DigoDragon

2014-08-28, 09:57 AM

Xander: "Imagine if your familiar is a hamster and you cast Summon Wall of Plastic Tubing."

GM: "'Cause a fighter could get a vegimagic fe... I mean, a metamagic feat."
Max: "Maximized Melf's Acid Carrot, Heightened Guacamole Ball, Empowered Broccoli..."

Marcus: "I found a little guy!"
Izumi: "Little guy? Did he stumble on those Pikmen?"
Xander: "What color?"
Marcus: "Gray!"
Xander: "With teeth?"
Marcus: "Yeah, there's several of them. Lots of teeth on each one of them."
Xander: "Right, let's turn around and go back."

GM: "You see a field of statues."
Izar: "A party and everyone's stoned."

Max: "What are these things called?"
Reggie: "Cockatrices."
Max: "Does that mean they have three..?"
Reggie: "NO."

Coolidge: "Where are you going?"
Izar: "The Citadel."
Coolidge: "Why?"
Max: "That bucket for me to wee in is still there, duh!"

Coolidge: "What questions did you need to ask at the Citadel?"
Xander: "Are you a paladin of the Citadel?"
Coolidge: "No."
Xander: "Then it's not of your bony-ass business."

Coolidge: "I slept at a Motel 6 and I think that should count for something."

Xander: *Acting out some hand gestures*
Izar: "What are you doing?"
Xander: "I'm trying to interpret some signals I got."
Max: "You have the urge to dance?"
Izumi, Izar, & Marcus: "Jazz Hands!"

Izumi: "Just because you don't agree with my beliefs doesn't mean I'm going to smite you."
Max: "Best. Paladin. Ever."

Izar: "I go over to Reggie and pour acid on him to wash off the acid... no, wait."

Izumi: "Did the church put that name up there?"
Xander: "Unless they got that monument from the French and it came that way, I'd guess yes."

GM: "Xander, the party catches up with you and you notice that they're all wearing new elven crafted armor."
Xander: "Did I just walk onto the set of 'Elf Eye For The Adventuring Guy'?"

Marcus: "Lets' all set things on fire!"
Izumi: "No setting the kids on fire!"
Xander: "What if they're not your kids?"
Izar: "I'll set the one that's mine on fire. It's my job. I love my job."
Xander: "Overtime must be cool with you."

Spacy

2014-08-28, 10:18 AM

Game: Shadowrun
Context: Player 1 is in the hospital after a run, this is a phone call between P1 and P2.
Player 2 has the critter spook negative quality

P2: "Ok, so you want me to pick up your armor and your bike."
P1: "Yeah, both should be in the garage"
P2: "Alright I'm in, I see your pet kitty is here to greet me"
P1: "Be careful"
P2: "What's the harm one cactus cat can do?"
P2: "Wait, when did you get two cats?"
P1: "Oh right, I forgot to mention, I now have 19 cats now."
P2: "Why are the cats using tactical signals with their tails?"
P1: "Because I trained my cats to use them"
P2: :smallsigh:
P1: "I also might have trained them to hunt using pictures of you"
P2: "P1 :smallfurious:"
P1: "Yes?"
P2: "I will not be able to get your stuff"
P1: "Right"

P2 ended up getting pretty badly mauled as he fled the house.

----------------------
From the same campaign

GM: "Did you just kill a dragon with a cactus cat?"
P1: "19 cats actually"

Strigon

2014-08-28, 10:54 AM

Game: Shadowrun
Context: Player 1 is in the hospital after a run, this is a phone call between P1 and P2.
Player 2 has the critter spook negative quality

Get that context 'outta here!

A Tad Insane

2014-08-28, 11:14 AM

"What language does your character speak?"
"English, why?"
"Dude, this is the greyhawk, people speak common"
"What's the difference?"
"Right, you say what sounds like 'Prisencolinensinanciusol' to everyone"

GPuzzle

2014-08-28, 12:26 PM

Okay, I know this is supposed to be no context, but if you don't give me the context in spoiler or PM form, I'll have to pull a Roger Smith and go "Nyah!' until you give in.

Basically, it was a Everyone is John game, mixed with a Apples to Apples-like situation generator which had Famous Person, What That Person Was Doing and Adverb to Describe the Action, and Civ V leaders.

No, seriously. We had like 16 people. John, Jonathan, Jon, Jack and Johnny (the 4 other players in Everyone is John), The Gamemaster, which was giving the situations, the Generators, which were four other guys generating the situations and Pedro II, Boudicca, Catherine the Great, Maria I, Oda Nobunaga and Maria Theresa.

At one moment John, Boudicca and Oda Nobunaga were hunting down Catherine the Great (reason: Jonathan's goal was to f*ck Catherine the Great, which would result in an automatic win for him - Jack was similar although it involde f*cking Boudicca and his dice were cursed) and at one moment the situation generated was Simo Hayha Singing Something Girlish-y.

The Gamemaster decided it was "Do You Wanna Build A Snowman?"

Boudicca thought it was weird.

John was visibly disturbed by what happened.

Oda seppuku'ed.

ddude987

2014-08-29, 09:14 PM

Player 1: "more wolves?... /sigh/"
Player 2: "lets just climb trees"
Player 1: "suuuuree that'll work because wolves can't just climb the trees" *sarcasm*
Player 2: "its common knowledge wolves can't climb trees"
Player 3: "yeaahh just like velpciraptors can't open doors" *sarcasm*

DigoDragon

2014-08-31, 02:59 PM

GM: "I'm taking some notes for this session to see if you all meet your demise or make it with flying colors."
Xander: "What if we meet our demise with flying colors?"
GM: "Then you ran into a Prismatic Wall."

Izumi: "What is that he's wielding?"
Xander: "A sharpened Buick on a stick."

Izar: "No, the proper phrase is Here's me 3."
Xander: "However, I'd like to use proper grammar."
Izar: "Now why would you want to do a thing like that?"
GM: "Because he's intelligent?"

Max: "I misheard you as casting Protection from LOL."

GM: "You see a drow and 3 dogs... very skinny and heavily armored dogs."
Xander: "Detect Undead."
Izumi: "Detect Evil."
Izar: "Detect Magic."
Max: "Detect Booty."
Party: *Looks at Max*
Max: "On the drow of course. What?"

GM: "You're outrunning Nigel even though he's dragging you by your lip."
Viscayne: "So now I'm pulling him via my lip?"

Xander: "As I'm running, I spin around 360, but fire my bow behind me at the dragon."
GM: "That's a very difficult shot to do on the run-"
Xander: (Rolls a 20) "Legolas Maneuver!"

Blue Dragon: "Surrender!"
Xander: "You wish to surrender to us? Very well we gladly accept!"
GM: "Do you actually say that?"
Xander: "Yes."
GM: "In the common tongue?"
Xander: "No, I don't want to be insulting. In Elven."

Blue Dragon: *Breathes 20 points of lightning damage on Xander*
Xander: "Hang on, I didn't make my Reflex save yet."
GM: "Fine, roll it. The DC is 25 though. Try beating that, elf!"
Xander: "26! So that's half damage for 10 points and my Resist Electricity spell absorbs the rest. In your face, dragon!"
GM: "Damn it! Fine, the dragon gets a second attack..."
Xander: "What's that Marcus, you volunteer to take one for the team?"
Marcus: "If I said it, I must have meant it."
Leecher: "No wait, stop! You're being tricked!"

The Rest:

GM: "The dragon grapples you Xander."
Xander: "Yes! You have failed to realize my secret, dragon!"
Blue Dragon: "And what is that?"
Xander: "I am not the straight man!" (Casts Balor Nimbus)
GM: "What does that spell do?"
Xander: "It means the dragon takes 14 fire damage and can kiss my flaming butt."

GM: "You hear an explosion from the fort. This is followed by two bodies falling out the 3rd floor window into the lawn."
Fort Guard: "That's it, tell my boss I quit."
Viscayne: "What was that?"
Xander: "Team Rocket aborted launch?"

GM: "You see a desk. On it there is a stack of paperwork."
Xander: "What's it say?"
Izar: "Nothing, it's paper."

GM: "The guard is taking Zoloft like it's skittles."

GM: "The next room has boxes- On fire."
Xander: "Just what I wanted."
Max: "Let's collect 100 of them for a 1up!"
Xander: "Excellent. But NO."

GM: "Everyone make an intelligence check."
Izumi: "6."
Max: "6."
Izar: "6."
Xander: "It was like the sound of the devil's wettest fart."

GM: *Describes the large group of wizards around the final boss*
Xander: "Shhh... Okay guys, it's 4th and long. Here's the plan. I want Viscayne to snea-"
Marcus: "Excuse me, bad guys? Your guard up front said he quit!"
Table: *The entire room goes silent as everyone stares at Marcus*
Marcus: "Thought you... might wanna know."

GM: "Roll initiatives for combat."
Viscayne: "25!"
Xander: "24! Gimme five, cleric brother!"
Izar: "Okay you gingerbread men..."

Viscayne: "Stop, wench!"
Marcus: "She tightens nuts?"

Viscayne: "I got the ruby rod! I got the ruby rod!"
Xander: "Quick, throw it into the volcano's lava!"
Viscayne: "...wrong movie."

bulbaquil

2014-08-31, 03:46 PM

GM: "[The trollhound] looks vaguely like you."
P3: "Yay, I have a new brother! You're replaced."
P4: "Hooray! I'm finally free! I can finally seek my true calling... as a football fan!"

GM: "This is not a Chelish opera singer. This is a six-year-old."

P4: "She's being a huge troll."
GM: "Only a Large one, actually."

P2: "So Giant is Klingon now?"
P4: "Yes, it is. Qapla'!"

P1: "I'm going to attack the knob."

P2: "Natural 1! I spend all six seconds of my turn trying to figure out why the crossbow's not firing, and then I realize, 'Oh, the safety's on.'"

P2: "That must be a 'wand'." (pronounced to rhyme with "band")
P1: "What's a 'wand'?"
P2: "You know, a magical stick that does things."

Falka

2014-08-31, 04:11 PM

Dragonborn Cleric to a random human guard. "Hey handsome, want to spend some quality time with me?"

Sartharina

2014-08-31, 04:18 PM

Dragonborn Cleric to a random human guard. "Hey handsome, want to spend some quality time with me?"... Someone else does this too?

Sith_Happens

2014-08-31, 11:04 PM

DM: "What are all of y'all doing for the next nine days?"
Bard: "I go on tour around the city."
DM: "Make a Perform check."
Bard: "42."
DM: "Copious amounts of women's underwear are thrown at you during each gig."
Bard: "I make my best effort to return all such items."
DM: "Many of the women go into great detail as to how they're willing to thank you. Do you take any of them up on the offer?"
Bard: "I alternate between politely declining and making vague maybes that I have no intention to follow up on."
DM: "Okay..."
Bard: "I'm going through a 'gentleman' phase."

DM: "Okay, you and the gnome do it in the drunk tank in front of the other drunks."
PC: "'Kay."

DM: "[PC 1], as you sneak into the press conference you see [PC 2] at the podium."
PC 1: "I facepalm."
PC 2: [Starts educating the crowd about sexual perversions.]
PC 1: "I start to draw my mainhand sword."
PC 2: "...And so I present you with this logical conundrum: If my genitals had been disconnected from me, why would I like it?"
PC 1: "I start idly looking at my wrist."
PC 2: [Accidentally implicates the whole party as deviants]
PC 1: "I kill myself."

DM: "[PC 1], while you're at one of the more upscale establishments, a scrying screen activates."
Screen: "And now the news: According to [same PC 2 as before], both he and his companions, known to include [rest of party's names], are perverts. Why [PC 2] felt the need to call a press conference and reveal such is unknown."
PC 1: [Inquisitively:] "...That was three years ago, how in the Nine Hells does he know about it."
DM: "The other patrons of the pub all start to back away slowly, except for a leather-wearing gnome who gets closer."
Gnome: "Hey, sexy."
PC 1: "Hello. So is this what passes for news around here?"
Gnome: "Apparently."
PC 1: "I just can't figure out how [PC 1] heard about that time in [random city name]. The proprietor of that club insisted that they're very discreet."
DM: "The gnome can tell you're not really paying attention to her and walks away."

DigoDragon

2014-09-01, 09:37 AM

Bard: "I'm going through a 'gentleman' phase."

Said no PC ever in any of my D&D games. :smalltongue:
I LOL'd hard though.

SickBritKid

2014-09-02, 03:51 AM

Sith_Happens

2014-09-02, 06:58 AM

Dragonborn Cleric to a random human guard. "Hey handsome, want to spend some quality time with me?"

Of course the joke's on the guard; when a Dragonborn says "spend some quality time," they mean "talk about our lord and savior Bahamut.":smalltongue:

Said no PC ever in any of my D&D games. :smalltongue:

Oh, I don't doubt that the number of times that sentence has ever been uttered by a PC could be counted on one hand.

I had Logan draw his Lightblade not his Thinblade, dude. Why would he draw a longsword to cut his wrist?!

Because that extra step of damage die size could mean the difference between success and failure? Hey, it's not my fault I can't tell your swords apart, you're the one who named them.:smalltongue:

(In before "Lots of people name their swords," the proper retort to which is unsafe for this forum.)

----------

In no particular order, from the same session as my last post:

PC: "Eh, I'll be fine in the morning."
Other Player: "Possibly not if you can't get booze by morning, which you definitely won't be able to."
DM: "It's okay, they have anti-withdrawl drugs here. Though they will make you start lactating. Seriously, that's an actual side-effect."
PC: "I'm a man, men don't have mammary glands."
Other Player: "Actually they do, it's just a lot harder to get them working."
PC: "Fine, you know what? [*picks up d20*] If I roll a one, I start lactating. [*rolls a one*] DAMMIT!"

Player to DM: "Sure fine Artifact writing you got there."
DM: "Hey, I actually did know which deity, I just forgot is all."
Player: "This is why you write things down."

Player 1: "Can we PLEASE get on with the plot?"
Player 2: "Get on with the plot? Why would we do that?"

"This is what happens when a PC gets a psychiatric evaluation."

PC: "I dare say that's the best fiddling I've ever heard. Who might you be?"
DM: *beat* "I forgot to come up with a name for him."
Player: "Bob. His name is now Bob."
DM: "Sure, why not."
NPC: "My name is Bob."
Player: "--but there are some who call me... Bob."
DM: "Yes, that."

"Dinkleberg."
"Spoiler alert: 'Bob' is an alias, his real name is Dinkleberg. Alternatively, his full name is Bob Dinkleberg."

Player: "Is the fiddle golden?"
DM: "Yes."

"And why do you have that?"
"Because fear-stacking is fun."

"I think now's a good time for a dinner break."
"And then, when we get back, the part where we take Bob's things."

PC: *grin* "I'm suddenly feeling very mischievous. Sure, it would be trivial to clear my own name... Or, I bet there's long enough left in the day that I could start an incredibly perverse fad by the end of it."
DM: "...Okay, what specifically?"
PC: "Let's say, whatever it was exactly that transpired in the club in [city name]."
DM: "...Sure, make a Bluff check to make people think it's a good idea."
PC: "I was thinking more 'start telling dirty stories,' but I guess this calls for both. 35 Bluff, 42 Perform (Oratory)."
DM: "Congratulations, [current location] is now one of the dirtiest cities in the planes. What exactly does this accomplish?"
PC: "[Other PC] accidentally made everyone think we're all perverts, so I made that not be a bad thing. Best. Bard. Ever."

DigoDragon

2014-09-02, 08:33 AM

GM: "How many life boats do you want on your ship?"
Dackert: "With a crew of eight, at least two."
Alexis: "I'll just walk."
GM: "I hate you."

GM: "You wake up in a restroom."
Sam: "Are my pants down?"
GM: "Yes, you're taking a dump."
Sam: "Well I better finish. Do I need a to-hit roll to wipe?"

GM: "Are you ready Dr. Beckett?"
Sam: "Oh... Oh, you are so full of sh--!"
Alexis: "But you're full of shift."
Sam: "Shut up, you."
Galin: "Hey, shift happens."
Peanut Gallery: *Humming the Quantum Leap Theme*

GM: "My headcanon is that the last mission for Dr. Sam Beckett was as Captain Johnathan Archer of Enterprise, because that's the only way I could explain the series' existance."

Winger: "This isn't a paperless game?"
GM: *Pulls up his GM screen to reveal notes on a stack of napkins*
Alexis: "That's hardcore."

Sam: "Hello Captain Dackert."
Dackert: "Are you collectors?"
Alexis: "It's not what you can give us, but what we can give you."
Dackert: "So you are collectors?"

Dackert: "So what did you do while in Starfleet?"
Sam: "Uh, a three hour tour."

Alexis: "Looking at this crew, you'll definitely need a doc. My offer still stands."
Dackert: "How about room & board plus 50 credits a day?"
Alexis: "Deal! By the way, you'll need this." (Tosses Dackert an aspirin pack)

Dackert: "Come on in, welcome to my ship, the Ward-9."
Alexis: "Ironic name given my profession."

Alexis: "This will sting a little."
Winger: "AHHHHhhhh.... oh? I feel better." (Licks the spray-on band-aid)
Alexis: "Don't lick that!"

Seela: "I warn you, I'm Tac-Fleet."
Dackert: "That's nice. I don't care. They're all a bunch of idiots anyway."
Seela: "Most are, but not all."
Dackert: "I'm thinking 50-50."
Seela: "More like 75-20."
Alexis: "And which side are you on?"
Seela: "I'm one of the smart ones."
Sam: "But you left out 5 percent!"

Galin: "Uh oh, he's going to have a security breech."
Alexis: "That entails a Klingon busting into the room wielding a bat'lith and screaming 'Snap Into A Slim Jim!'"

GM: "This Klingon looks like Phyllis Diller without all her make-up on."
Sam: "Oww, does that hurt?"

Sam: "Why can't I figure out the diagnostic program? I'm Dr. Sam Beckett damn it, I should have a script!"

Dackert: "This is the captain speaking; 10 minutes to launch. Please prepare to strap yourselves in... or at least stop drinking."

Galin: "Put your pants back on! This ain't Kirk's Enterprise!"

Sam: "Pick an oracle and stick with it!"
Winger: "Well considering the original died."
Sam: "They can use muppets."

Seela: "Captain, can I get familiar with the controls?"
Dackert: "Wash your hands first."

Winger: "Well I assume they'd advertise that they're cops."
Alexis: "Yeah, with alternating red and blue phasor fire."
Sam: "You idiots, I said across her nose, not up it!"

Dackert: "He's in the body of Tony Versetti. Junior."
Seela: "Versetti? As in spank?"
Dackert: *Shrug*
Alexis: "What, Space Pirate Amazon Ninja Klingons?"
Sam: "Stupid People Always Neglect Kansas?"

GM: "You see the Ward-9 on the flight board. It's arrival time dropped from 8 days to 4 hours."
Galin: "They're going somewhere in a hurry."
GM: "Also, every other ship going through Fed Space is delayed-- Delayed. Delayed. Delayed. Delayed. Delayed."
Galin: "Oh."
Alexis: "Where are you at, a Delta hub?"

Winger: "I punch a few buttons on the replicator, get some gloop, take a bite, smile, and happily walk away."
Dackert: "Did you leave the food?"
GM: "It'll get up and follow him in a moment."

GM: "More silicon then 100 Dabo girls on a mainframe."

Dackert: "Nagumo did this run only because he was delivering wine at a considerable profit. I'd never do a crazy trip like that."
Johnson: "How about for double the profit?"
Dackert: "I'm loading my ship now."

Winger: "Check out the corona on her!"

GM: "Yeah, the value of the humor isn't directly proportional to me running the game so far as a product of the players present to the tangent of the discussion."
Sam: "English, man! Is this Universal Translator even on?!"

Alexis: "First aid should be a platonic experience."
Seela: "Speak for yourself."
Alexis: "Well then prepare to be disappointed. If I had a gaping wound in my head, I'd have more pressing matters on my mind."
Winger: "Why would you let a girl sit on your head?"

Lee: "Is the Ward-9 worth four children?"
Sam: "I dunno, can the kids fly through space?"

Winger: "A ship that size with a cloaking device? I'm sorry, I can't see that."

GM: "This pirate wants to have your ship."
Dackert: "That's nice, he can go suck on a star."
Sam: (Singing in Jiminey Cricket voice) "When you suck upon a starrr..."

GM: "This is a thing of beauty."
Seela: "Oh, I want one."
Sam: "I want 24 of them, one for every hour of the day."

Sam: "Captain, I'm leaving."
Dackert: "What, now? We're at warp 6. That is going to be one heck of a feat!"

I was a player in this campaign. Guess which character was me!

Hunter Noventa

2014-09-02, 09:52 AM

Galin: "Uh oh, he's going to have a security breech."
Alexis: "That entails a Klingon busting into the room wielding a bat'lith and screaming 'Snap Into A Slim Jim!'"

Beautiful. What system is this?

DigoDragon

2014-09-02, 10:43 AM

Beautiful. What system is this?

This campaign used GURPS 4e.

IAmTehDave

2014-09-02, 12:15 PM

Max: "I misheard you as casting Protection from LOL."

That could very well be Protection From Evil (http://na.leagueoflegends.com/)...

PC, running past others: "Ahm, Shea just went in there sword drawn. Might be a Thing..."
Robot bursts down door, combat ensues.
PC, afterward: "Told you there was a Thing. Oh, did anyone find the scream?"

GPuzzle

2014-09-02, 12:52 PM

"I rolled a 2 on a 3d6 roll."

"WE'RE GONNA THROW THE EARTH OUT OF ORBIT!"
"QUICK, THROW THE POLISH PEOPLE OUT OF THE SPACESHIP!"

"So what's the current crew situation?"
"The Polish girl is performing pole dance on her poleaxe, the Finnish and the Polish guy are drunk and talking stuff about Talvisota and being outnumbered 40:1, the Russian is currently barfing into outerspace and the German claims hell has frozen. Oh, and we've run out of tea."
"OH GOD, THE TEA."

"Screw you guys, I'm going home."
"Where?"
"He's so gassy I'm thinking it's Jupiter."
"Suddenly, a random snare drum falls out of nowhere, followed by a cymbal."
"Guys, our locker is a portal to Earth Aleph."

bulbaquil

2014-09-03, 05:36 AM

P3 (GM in other game): "By the way, I advanced time four minutes so that the enlarge dwarf spell will end."
P5: "Great. I don't think we'll notice."
P3: "Well, it may be slightly darker when you emerge now."

P6: "Go to Nirvana, because Hell is too good for you."

P3: "Yes, I have a driveway that's 25 minutes long. I OWN A COUNTY."

P2: "I'm looking for a home security system."
GM: "Well, you have your heat sensor, your omnidirectional sensor, your olfactory sensor, magnetic anomaly detectors..."
P3: "You get the feeling Shadowrun has rather detailed descriptions of security stuff."

P6: "I go to a bar off the beaten path."
GM: "*How* 'off the beaten path' is it?"
P6: "...let me think."
P1: "Moral quandaries!"
P3: "I know. You might take an alignment hit."

P2: "That's why I built my security system. Next I'm going to build a safe room."
P3: "...Can I be your butler?"

P6: "No, in all seriousness, I turn around and rappugen."
P5: "No, in all seriousness, what do you actually do?"

P5: "I can't believe we're making it so we're driving an invisible f***ing tank. What has Shadowrun come to?"
P2: "Being Shadowrun."

P6: "You know nothing about subtlety!"
P5: "Says the orc driving a tank."
P6: "It's your tank."

P5: "Would you like to make a donation to the Aztechnology blood drive?"

DigoDragon

2014-09-03, 01:27 PM

DM: "Vincent, at the far end of the hall you see an armoire turn the corner. It sees you."
Vincent: "Uh, guys... I found the armoire."
Zanadu: "Ugly little armoire, isn't it?"
DM: "The armoire puts on a viking helmet."
Vincent: "I think it can hear you, Zanadu."
DM: "The armoire charges."

Kid Jake

2014-09-03, 01:53 PM

Me: "Congratulations, now YOU wield the Powerstaff. What do you do with it?"
Dr Steinz: "Nothing. I'm a doctor, I'm way too smart to push random buttons."

SickBritKid

2014-09-03, 10:00 PM

(In before "Lots of people name their swords," the proper retort to which is unsafe for this forum.)

Ah, but don't forget that Sandor got his clock cleaned by a woman who was wielding a named sword!

DigoDragon

2014-09-04, 08:07 AM

GM: "Dackert, you wake up in the morning."
Dackert: "Are there any alarms, klaxons, or alerts going off?"
GM: "No, not yet."
Dackert: "Today is going to be a good day."

GM: "At first people thought the colonists all liked scrambled eggs. Later it was found out that they were just too cheap to afford Inertial Dampeners for their landing craft. Bam! Bam! Bam! Breakfast is served."

Dackert: "What do they have for banks here?"
GM: "The Ferengi Automated Teller MAchine Network-- FAT MAN."
Dackert: "Is there a Fat Man at the station?"
Alexis: "Dunno, look for the room that red shifts?"

GM: "As a side note, the Fan Man dispenses money out of it's butt. It's to discourage withdrawals."

GM: "Calysto has one particular item that catches your attention."
Alexis: "Her 3rd nipple?"
GM: "Bad doc! Bad!" (Hits Alexis with rolled up newspaper)

Calysto: "What will you drink? I'm buying."
Lee: "I'll have a Liquid Cocaine."
Calysto: "Good choice. I'll have a Slow Comfortable Screw Against the Wall."
Alexis: "This is why I don't do bars."
Seela: "Can't order anything nice without getting in trouble, eh?"
Alexis: "Can't order anything PERIOD. What the hell are they all drinking?"

Johnson: "I'll pay you 15,000 Credits to deliver this by tomorrow. What say you?"
Dackert: "It sounds like a tempting deal."
Evil Conscience: "Do it. Do it. It's easy money."
Dackert: *Looks to the other shoulder*
Good Conscience: "... I got nothing."

Enemy Boarding Party: *Beats the ship's Klingon security officer into unconsciousness*
GM: "Doc, your turn. What do you do?"
Alexis: "Oh... ah, well I'm armed with... a door lock, so... I lock the door. That's my turn for the next 10 rounds."

Winger: "Shields are up, captain."
GM: "Okay, you know they can't beam out now so they'd have to use a local transporter to escape."
Dackert: "Since my ship doesn't have one they can't go that route."
Alexis: "They got legs, they can walk."
Dackert: "Oh yes. They will walk." (Draws gun)

GM: "You can hear the sound of the ship's equipment in the back shutting down."
Dackert: "Uh oh, what did Winger do?"
Winger: "Was I not supposed to drag the Hard Drive icon to the trash?"

Alexis: "Okay, based on what I know of Klingon medicine, I'll start by waking her up with a punch to the face."
GM: "Going to pretend it was from glorious combat?"
Alexis: "Sure, we'll go with that."

Seela: "Trilithium Resin? Where do they get this?"
Alexis: "Galactic Anarchic's Cookbook."
Seela: *Incredulous stare*
Alexis: "What? It's a thing."

Alexis: "The trip to Candy Land is only for an hour. Then they'll wake up to a round of Sorry before landing in Trouble."
Seela: "At which point they lose at the game of Life."

Seela: "Oh boy, I get to use my book of phrases."
Dackert: "What, you have to prepare your witticisms ahead of time?"

Dackert: "I like how you verified it's a him only to revert to calling him an it."

GM: "Roll Perception."
Dackert: (Crit fail) "My Perception just blew a goat."
Goat: "Baaaaah." (Cigar smoke)
GM: "The goat is having an after cigarette sex?"
Alexis: "I think you have the wrong order."
Winger: "Wait, we have a goat?!"

Dasgovernator

2014-09-04, 10:28 AM

DM: So you all have a few weeks worth of downtime
PC1: I'll be scribing scrolls on the boat
PC2: I'll check the library for clues about that book we found
PC3: I'll fight crime
PC1: What, do you have Profession: Vigilante? (*Checks). Oh god you do
PC3: I even made myself a mask
PC1: I guess the dead parents backstory should've been a giveaway.
PC4: Then I start making speeches from soapboxes around town, spreading the word of the legendary hero (Rolls a nat 20 on Performance: Oratory)
DM: They're making comic books about you by the end of the week.

Sith_Happens

2014-09-04, 02:06 PM

[Snip]

Okay, I'm not sure why I'm only now asking this, but do you game with actual comedians or something?

IAmTehDave

2014-09-04, 02:17 PM

Okay, I'm not sure why I'm only now asking this, but do you game with actual comedians or something?

I'm sure these are the highlights from many, many, many sessions. Alternatively, some of the slightly less punchy wording may have been edited for effect ;)

(No I'm not implying Digo "enhances" the quotes, not at all. :smallbiggrin:)

DigoDragon

2014-09-04, 03:13 PM

Okay, I'm not sure why I'm only now asking this, but do you game with actual comedians or something?

One of the members in my group was actually part of an Improv comedy team.
The rest of us are just weird.

I'm sure these are the highlights from many, many, many sessions. Alternatively, some of the slightly less punchy wording may have been edited for effect ;)
(No I'm not implying Digo "enhances" the quotes, not at all. :smallbiggrin:)

It gets more hilarious when you find out that 90% of what's edited is so it can be SFW. :3

IAmTehDave

2014-09-04, 03:33 PM

One of the members in my group was actually part of an Improv comedy team.
The rest of us are just weird.
I'm going to hazard a guess that "Ronnie" is that one...

It gets more hilarious when you find out that 90% of what's edited is so it can be SFW. :3

...Yes it does.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cleric of Asmodeus, as part of a long monologue: This is interesting...
Me: Yeah, you know what's interesting? **shoots a mind arrow at the cleric. That arrow dissipates on some sort of shield around the cleric**
Rogue: Uh, he doesn't speak for us. You can continue. *rolls bluff check, 34*
Cleric: ...As I was saying...
(Oh no, I didn't almost get 10 PCs killed with a standard action, why do you say that?)

Several of the party, in so many words: Oh hey Malachi! Long time no see!
Back-from-the dead villain: Oh, this will be interesting.
-One full-attack from the Soulbow later-
Malachi: *Dying words, dies again*

Not a specific quote, but too many times to count:
DM: There's a (box/crate/chest) there.
Rogue: I'm going to check it for tra-
(Paladin, now Wizard): I open it.
DM: Alright everyone roll initiative.
(Yes, that paladin died to something summoned by a trap. He now has a Wizard we met while looting some giants we'd killled. He was hogtied in one of their bags. That wizard has continued the Paladin's legacy, which is actually the legacy of that same player's half-giant Samurai from a previous campaign...)