Gamer Humor Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12 [Archive] - Page 3

DigoDragon

2014-09-06, 08:06 AM

Seela: "Brand new day to screw up. Let's not disappoint the GM."
Alexis: "I'd like to be the dissenting player then."

GM: "To point to quote to paraphrase from Hunt for Red October-"
Anthony: "What? To point, quote, paraphrase?"
Lee: "Nice English."

Station PA: "Attention everyone. Due to technical difficulties, we will be shutting down specific decks. Should you be trapped during the power outage, please activate your emergency communicator and a rescue team will be on it's way."
Alexis: "And this is the point where the lights should be going out."
Lights: *Goes Out*
Alexis: "Like that. Thanks."

Winger: (On Comm) "Calling Alexis, hello?"
Alexis: "Here Winger. What's up?"
Winger: "Well the lights aren't."
Alexis: "I noticed."
Winger: "I'm stuck in a metal box in the dark."
Alexis: "I can beat that, I'm stuck in a hotel room with Anthony... in the dark."
Winger: "Wait, why?"
Alexis: "I'll leave that as an exercise for your imagination to figure out. We're heading back to the ship. Like now."
Winger: "I have a pretty vivid imaginat-"
Alexis: "Goodbye Winger." (Turns off Comm)

GM: "Do a strip tease. Keeps you out of trouble and us entertained."

Anthony: "I tapped into base communications. The base commander had an accident down on deck 10. They called a medic to him, but I wonder why they can't just beam the commander to the Medical bay?"
Alexis: "Could be that a starship fell on him?"
Anthony: "Uh, there's no docking bay on deck 10."
Alexis: "Maybe there is now."

Winger: "Okay, the captain's radio is jammed at the source. I could transport him out of there... if I could locate him... and if I had a Transporter skill... and if I had a transporter. I think that last issue is the kicker."

Alexis: *Get's into an airlock with a fire extinguisher. Blows out the airlock*
GM: "Okay, you're now free floating in space. You can see the starbase being invaded by Rifleman class battlemechs. What do you do?"
Alexis: "Well first I'm wondering at what point was jumping out of an airlock a good idea."
GM: "About five seconds ago."

Alexis: (On Comm) "Winger, can you start up the pre-flight check-"
Winger: "Dude, the fright has been up and running."
Alexis: "Pre-FLIGHT check, Winger! Just get the engines started, I'm coming to you."
Winger: "Uh... how?"
Alexis: "I'm walking to you. Sorta."
Winger: "GM, I check my sensors to locate Alexis."
GM: "He's currently outside the station floating up toward deck 45."
Winger: "Is he wearing a vacc suit or a shield belt?"
GM: "He's currently wearing a portable fire extinguisher."
Winger: "Neat trick. Alexis, how are you doing that? In fact, how are you even talking into a radio in space?"
Alexis: "Those are very good questions... I'll tell you later."
Winger: "But you-"
Alexis: "Goodbye Winger." (Turns off Comm)

GM: "Alexis, you float by a guy in a Rifleman mech."
Alexis: "Um... I wave to him as I float by."
Rifleman Pilot: "Commander I see... a guy... he's floating by... no, he's not wearing a vacc suit... he's waving at me..."

Anthony: "HELP!! Calling Starfleet, we need help! People who supply your paychecks need assistance now!!"

Alexis: "Okay, I made it to the ship... um, where's everyone?"
Winger: "That's a good question."
Alexis: (Picks up radio) "Captain? Galin? Tan?"
Radio: *No response - static*
Alexis: "Damn, I guess this means you're in charge."
Winger: "Me? Why me?"
Alexis: "Hey, I'm a doctor, not a starship captain."
Radio: *Unusual static return from Lee's Comm*
Alexis: "Hello? Lee? Lee, is that you?"
Lee's Comm: (Which is sitting on the ship's dashboard) *Vibrates - 1 Missed Call*
Alexis: "$%&^&@*!!

Winger: "Powering down. Everything's down. All computer systems, engines, batteries-"
Alexis: "Why are you powering down? Is it break time?"

Alexis: "I'll check the morgue for our missing members."
Winger: "That's insulting. He's leaving us to go where the more lively bunch are."

Seela: "I'm still looking for our Klingon security officer, Tan."
GM: "You still find no sign of him."
Winger: "Check the Tanning bars."

Winger: "Do I know how much Galin weighs?"
GM: "Actually, you might."
Winger: "So I can use the sensors to detect Galin-Mass?"

GM: "Winger, Anthony hacks into your 'Paint Drying' channel."
Winger: "Hey, I was watching that!"
Anthony: "Don't worry, you missed nothing."
Winger: "That spot is drier then when I last saw it!"

GM: "Doc, you find the klingon in the morgue."
Alexis: "Damn. Well I'll sign him out."
Coroner: "Here's a ziplock bag."
Alexis: "Um...?"
Coroner: "That's all that's left of Tan. In that bag."
Alexis: (On Comm) "Calling Winger, I found our security officer."
Winger: "How is he?"
Alexis: "Well... he lost weight."

Alexis: "I drop the bag in the icebox and I'll file away the death certificate."
Winger: "Welcome back. Where's the Klingon?"
Alexis: "Chillin'."

Dackert: "So how are we doing?"
Seela: "Best two out of three isn't bad."
Dackert: "And the third?"
Alexis: "Well you're about to save a bunch of money on security insurance."

Winger: "Sandbox 4 station control, this is... um..."
GM: "You forgot the name of your ship? You're the pilot!"

Winger: "We have to go back."
Lee: "Back to where?"
Winger: "To the station, Sandbox 4. They're hurting her."
Dackert: "Hurting who?"
Winger: "Tami. She's a little girl I'm talking to in my mind."
Entire Crew: "...?"

Winger: "I touch Tami so she knows I'm here."
GM: "It's a rush of euphoric sense when you connect with her."
Winger: "OoOoOoOoOoOooh..."
Alexis: "Did he just score?"

Sith_Happens

2014-09-06, 07:45 PM

What setting is that? On one hand, Starfleet and Klingons. On the other hand, money and mechs.:smallconfused:

Sartharina

2014-09-06, 08:42 PM

What setting is that? On one hand, Starfleet and Klingons. On the other hand, money and mechs.:smallconfused:

It sounds like a mashup of every sci-fi.

DigoDragon

2014-09-07, 08:41 AM

It sounds like a mashup of every sci-fi.

It was, and quickly turned into a train wreck that became our least-liked campaign ever*.
The quotes were still funny only because we were just sticking together and making the most out of the mess.

*And this includes the fact two of our players have played FATAL.

Somensjev

2014-09-07, 06:23 PM

*And this includes the fact two of our players have played FATAL.

I.. what? :smalleek: They disliked that campaign more than FATAL?

Sith_Happens

2014-09-07, 08:04 PM

I.. what? :smalleek: They disliked that campaign more than FATAL?

I've heard that FATAL can be fun in a bile-fascination sort of way if you're drunk enough and/or take it far enough the opposite of seriously.

--------------

"Congratulations, you [Skype-]called thirty seconds too late to get your Reflex save versus a large door swinging open rapidly in the direction of your face."

"Why don't you take my gauntlets and punch her with them?"
"Because I have gauntlets too now."
"Wear my gauntlets over your gauntlets, it'll be twice as effective."

[To DM:] "Natural twenty to smack [other PC] in the face but failed the miss chance roll equals smack her where instead by accident? [*beat*] I know you're thinking 'boob' and I can work with that."

Player 1: "Why do you know Norwegian?"
Player 2: "Because I once tried to learn it."
Player 1: [Norwegian-sounding gibberish]
Player 3: "DID SOMEONE SAY 'VOCALOID COVER OF IEVAN POLKKA?'"
Player 1: "I'm leaving."

Player: "According to my calculations, [current location] is 44% more densely populated than Manhattan."
DM: *chuckles*

"Ah, in the see of stupid I see the one brilliant light shining."

"Okay, the mechanics to actually be Casanova are now enabled."

"We took the city, and drove it someplace else!"

Female PC: *rolls* "26 to pick the lock on [Male PC]'s door."
DM: "You successfully pick the lock."
Female PC: "I cast Deep Slumber."
Male PC: *fails Will save* "This will be interesting..."
Female PC: "I tie him up, sit on him, and cast Rouse."
Other Player: "What are you wearing?"
Female PC: "Just my underwear."
Other Player: "Oh my."

"Roll to see if your character is a masochist."

PC 1 [to lobotomized Marut]: "Do you have a name?"
Marut: "I do not."
PC 1: "Okay, your name is now Harold."
DM: "...I am vetoing this."
PC 2: "How about Kumar?"
Player 1 [to Player 2]: "Yes. High five."

DigoDragon

2014-09-07, 09:22 PM

They disliked that campaign more than FATAL?

This is the only campaign, in the nearly two decades of gaming I've done, that I have ever walked away from. :smallsmile:
Speaking of...

GM: "Your ship has been running back and forth, back and forth, it's not had maintenance in a while."
Dackert: "Well I tried to get maintenance, but you blew up the damn station!"
GM: "Not my fault, the Rifleman Battlemechs and the Shadow Battle Crab had their own opinion."
Dackert: "But they were your NPCs! What kind of GM are you?!"

Seela: "Space is one big hole with bits of matter floating in it."
Alexis: "If you can dig a hole in space, would you get anti-vacuum?"
Seela: "Where's all this air coming from?"
Alexis: "It's like regular vacuum, but instead of sucking it blows."

Lee: "You guys didn't eat the pumpkin log?"
Seela: "You said it was for Saturday so we sinned on the side of caution."
Alexis: "Sinned on the side of caution?"
Seela: "Yeah, sinning by not saying or doing anything that gets you into trouble."
Alexis: "Isn't that called behaving?"

GM: "Remember, a negative insanity times a negative insanity equals an imaginary number."
Galin: "So our Shadow Crab pilot doesn't exist?"
Alexis: "You know multiplying two negative numbers equals a positive number, right?"
GM: "Yeah, that's why I said it as I did."
Alexis: "'Cause you're bad at math?"
GM: "No, because it's just that screwed up!"
Alexis: "...so you're bad at math?"

Lee: "Did we dispose of the Klingon in the replicator?"
Dackert: "Why does everyone want to use my replicator to dispose of bodies?"
Seela: "Maybe because you first threatened to use it on me?"
Dackert: "Aren't you made of Soylent Green?"
Seela: "I'm a sodium free product!"
Galin: "So you're Diet Green?"

GM: "A four-armed chef comes out to cook the gosling."
Dackert: "As long as it isn't Goro."
GM: "No where near the size. This is Goro Light."
Galin: "Half the calories of regular Goro."

Dackert: (On Comm) "Attention crew, we're leaving now. Don't rock the cargo bays, please."
Lee: (On Comm) "Rock the boat!"
Alexis: (On Comm) "Don't rock the boat baby!"
Galin: (On Comm) "Rock the boat!
Alexis: (On Comm) "Don't tip the boat over!"

GM: "Alexis, operating on Anthony you find that he's technically a cyborg. He's 20% machine parts."
Galin: "Oh great, he needs a reboot."
Alexis: "So, do I have a blue screen or a sad mac icon?"
Dackert: "It's OS/2 Warp. He's smoldering."

GM: "An image comes to you from the back of your mind."
Dackert: "An 800 pound woman wearing two Good Year blimps?"

Alexis: "Huh, this 'Bacta' stuff can regenerate dead tissue. Death is now just an inconvenient moment."
Galin: "And Umbrella has this stuff? Imagine a T-Virus with regeneration."
Dackert: "Computer, Vodka!"

Alexis: "Seela, can I see you in my office?"
Seela: "I didn't think it was time for my checkup."
Dackert: "I set Seela on fire."
GM: "It's now time for your checkup."

GM: "The empress was exiled from Romulus, but she stole the Sword of S'Harien. So until the Romulan Council can find her, she's still empress."
Alexis: "Well strange women in space stealing swords is no basis for a system of government."

GM: "The Romulan Empire is now falling apart. At the point of fracture, 24 large scale Federation battle ships disappeared without a trace."
Galin: "As in gone?"
Seela: "How?"
Alexis: "Perhaps they cloaked?"
Seela: "No, the Federation isn't allowed to use cloaking tech."
Alexis: "That we know of."
Seela: "I worked on one of those ships. The crew would know!"
Alexis: "Two words- USS Pegasus."
Galin: "That was the Interphase cloaking incident."
Anthony: "Oh wait, duh! If the Romulan Empire fell, then the Treaty of Algeron which prevents the Federation from using cloaking tech is null and void."
Galin: "...which means cloaking is fair game for the Feds."
Alexis: *Leans back in his chair wit a smug look*

Alexis: "What comes in groups of six, other then beer?"
Dackert: "Did you mention beer?"
Alexis: "Yeah."
Dackert: "No idea then."

Alexis: *Making gunpowder in the medical lab*
Dackert: "Um... are those medical supplies?"
Alexis: "These here are, those aren't."
GM: "One's bandages, the other job security."
Dackert: "What am I paying you again?"
Alexis: "About 50 creds a day."
Dackert: "I'll double it."
Seela: "We have a doc with odd hobbies."
Alexis: "Not really, I just paid attention in Chemistry class."

Dackert: *In pain*
Seela: "Use the anger, don't let it use you."
Alexis: "It's pain, not the Force."

GM: "Alexis, you notice for a cargo bay the pallets are few and scattered in random unusual places."
Alexis: "Free range cargo?"

Dackert: "Alexis, if you survive this, say a good word at my funeral."
Lee: "He was furry."
Dackert: "Okay, a few more words."
Galin: "He was furry and pays well."
Dackert: "I hate you all."

Dackert: "-And then we'll have a zombie doctor and how cool is that?!"

Anthony: "Safety note, don't touch the shield."
Dackert: "I'll run into it then."
Anthony: "You ever touch a bug zapper? No where even close to this."

Sartharina

2014-09-07, 11:20 PM

This is the only campaign, in the nearly two decades of gaming I've done, that I have ever walked away from. :smallsmile:
Speaking of...
Now I'm curious what the FATAL campaign was like.

Sith_Happens

2014-09-08, 12:50 AM

"You don't throw a party for two million people, you convince two million people to throw a party."

"The oni are pouring some out for their homies."

PC: "[Tag-along NPC], do you have any idea where we need to go next?"
NPC: "No idea yet."
PC: "Then what should we be doing?"
NPC: "****ing around."

"How do I say this delicately..."
"Why do you want to say it delicately?"

[Male] Ranger: "...I'm going to interrogate [(Female) Beguiler] is what I'm going to do. [To Beguiler:] Roll your Spot and Listen."
Beguiler: *fails hard*
Ranger: "Once I catch up, I grab her, drag her into an alley, pin her to the wall, and tie her hands behind her back."
Random Other Player: "OH MY."
Beguiler [IC]: "You know [PC 1], you could have just asked."
Beguiler [OOC]: "As soon as you turn me around I kiss you."
Ranger: "I'm delegating to you DM, what are the chances I like it?"
ROP: "Considering your horrible track record resisting such things..."
DM: "...70%."
Ranger: *rolls a 19*
Warblade: "Roll to see if I just happen to walk by and see them making out."
DM: "25% chance."
Warblade: *rolls* "16, plus 11 Spot."
DM: "You notice them."
Warblade: "I freeze at a physically-impossible point in my stride, with my mouth wide open and a general look of confusion. [*rolls Spot again*] 17 Spot this time."
DM: "You notice that [Beguiler]'s hands are tied behind her back."
Ranger: *rolls* "17 Listen to hear the crackle of his shock?"
DM: "Success."
Ranger: "I push [Beguiler] away, silently look at [Warblade], and turn to lead her farther into the alley."
Warblade: "I am now going 200 feet per round in any direction except that one."

"Wow, it's after twelve. We've prolonged the campaign with sex."
"As usual."

Ranger: *player walks back into room* "Wait, what's going on?"
Other Player: "[Beguiler] is attempting to perform the Binding of [Ranger]."
Ranger: "Okay... How is she tying me?"
Other Player: "BY HIS LEGS, FROM THE CEILING."
Ranger: "...No."
Other Player: "Next time then."

"What is [PC] doing while the city is engaged in a giant party?"
"Being boring."

Player 1: "Maybe we can have a combat next session."
DM: "I'll try to have something like that planned."
Player 2: "Or any other encounter or challenge of some sort."
Player 1: "Yeah, as opposed to us just ****ing around for hours."

DeafnotDumb

2014-09-08, 03:23 PM

Nobilis

GM: Using her 'I Am Your Date' bond, the Lady Macha charges screaming while hanging onto the roof of the oncoming car, adding +2 to her attempts to decapitate you.

GM: The bear has learned the formal dances, and by god it is going to do the formal dances!

Prism (OOC): I look for someone at our university taking the Advanced Strumpet course.

Prism: With my last action here, I turn everything outside the universe into trifle.

GM (to Prism): It is very difficult in Nobilis to make a character that is mechanically less effective than any other character. That you have done this and become simultaneously the nicest and most dangerous and terrifying member of the party is frankly impressive.

Morn (Currently disguised as Prism): It is I, Prism, your friend, that you know. Not Morn, but Prism,the Technicolour friend, who is friendly and known to you. Prism. That Prism.
[Long, long pause]
Spark (OOC): I can't say it's an inaccurate depiction...

Prof. Tabby: So, to sum up... Alice Foster has turned traitor, grabbed a time travelling machine, picked up herself up half an hour into the past, then herself an hour into the past, then an hour and a half into the past... (OOC) how many of her are there now?
GM: Seven.
Prof. Tabby (OOC): Why only seven?
GM: There's only six of you. She outnumbers you now.

Prism: The train is technicolour, travels in time, and the bear and strumpet shovel pocketwatches into the engines to make it go, because the train runs on time.

GM: Since [players] can't make it this session, I'll be running a oneshot in the alternative history your actions have created. I've got your classes here - the biological superhuman redcoat, the power armour pilot of the Indian Confederate, or the jetpack monk from the flying city-temples of Tibet. Can I mention I love this game?

Tibetan Monk: Why doesn't your train have legs?
Spark: It's an older model.

Pilot of the Indian Confederate: What the hell is a train doing without legs?
Spark: ...we're getting it upgraded.

GM: I think that's the first time I've seen someone combining what is basically joining Cthulhu with genuine moral development for the better.

Prism: I am going to make the philosophical argument that inside the Universe, where we live, is more real than outside the universe, where you live, because I have turned one of these things into trifle and not the other.

Alien Creature: Why doesn't your train use legs?
Spark: ...forget it.

DigoDragon

2014-09-09, 09:30 AM

GM: "Now there should be a shipment of Bacta... in... um...?"
Dackert: "This is your game, you should know this!"

GM: "A lot of military people will want equipment that's easy."
Lee: "Like me?"
GM: "No, that's called a slut."

GM: "You're hearing a Blue Sun commercial for 'Enhancement' pills."
Lee: "Space Viagra!"
Dackert: "Viagra designed for the vacuum of space?"
Alexis: "Hard Vacuum."
Dackert: "Doc- Airlock! Now!"
Alexis: "Awww..."

Dackert: "She's not quite totally nude. She had boots and a sword. So, really she's a Boris Vallejo painting."

Dackert: "Don't encourage them. I WILL shoot the GM for this."
GM: "You'll only enjoy it for about 3 seconds."
Dackert: "And it'll be the most satisfying 3 seconds of my life."

GM: "War is brewing between governments, corporations are plotting experiments-"
Alexis: "Pork delivery is late."

Dr. Smith: "Hello Doctor. Would you like to come with me?"
Alexis: "I'm not sure I've been captured by manners before."

Dr. Smith: "We have a sample of a substance we'd like you to research with us."
Alexis: "It wouldn't happen to start with a 'B', end with an 'A' and have ZOMBIE written between it?"

Dackert: "I like how one of the side effects of Lunestra is drowsyness. That's not a side effect, that's the freakin' goal!!"

Winger: "I'll request a dock to dock to find the doc."

GM: "Goon 2 aims for the woman."
Seela: "Who?"
GM: "I mean YOU!"
Seela: "Oh."

Lee: "I'll just grab Seela and throw her as my ranged weapon."
GM: "The goon was taken out by a flying pair of double Ds."

Dackert: "Doc, you alright?"
Alexis: "Yes. It was 6 against 1, but I managed to kung-fu them down!"
Seela: "Should I bother rolling my Detect Lies skill?"
Dackert: "Yeah, let's hear the truth."
Alexis: "Alright, alright. I'm just kidding to let you know I'm fine. Well, when I was kidnapped they had be bound, interrogated, and then tortured with cake. After that they-"
Dackert: "Wait, back up a sec."
Galin: "Cake?"
Alexis: "You guys do recall sarcasm was a free service I offered, right?"

GM: "Galin, You're picking up a signal from the doc."
Galin: "What? Doc, do you have a tracker?"
Alexis: "I don't know. I was only kidnapped, interrogated, and lightly tortured before being dumped on this station so I have no bloody idea."
Lee: "Right. Strip Search!" (Manhandles Alexis)
GM: "Happy hour already?"

Lycoris

2014-09-09, 01:54 PM

Bard: "But the evil... and the corn!"
Scout: "Not important! What matters now is you giving a gripping & heartfelt eulogy to this half-ogre!"
*note: Party has not been known to affiliate with half-ogres before or after this exchange.

ThreadNecro5

2014-09-09, 06:13 PM

hears a few form my old gaming group, probably not 100% accurate, but close enough in the parts that matter:

first a highlight from my 2nd gaming session

rogue: I jump off the cliff
GM: you fall 50ft and take (I forget) damage
-later in the conversation-
GM: will you use your rope to drag the rogue back up the cliff
rogue: we had rope?

me: I cast speak with animals to ask the raptors opinion
Leroy the raptor: KIL! KIL! KIL! KIL! KIL! KIL! KIL! KIL!

druid: his name is Leeeroy! Jeeenkenns!

ranger: so in this dungeon iv become a half-elf, got turned into a female and am now evil, will I be a sorcerer or something by the time this ends.

player forget who: so in ten minutes Leroy was annihilated and a party member got destroyed? screw this i'm out'a here

GM: you get disemboweled by a donkey!

bulbaquil

2014-09-09, 11:03 PM

P5: "What's the most irritating spellcasting system you can think of?"
P6: "Bob Dole?"

GM: "The joke's gone meta!"

P5: "So, why are you traveling?"
P1: "Well, for me... I decided to go left."
P2: "I had to go along and make sure he didn't go right."

P4: "Go, go, gadget, ragequit!"

P6: "So [P4] drank one, [P3] drank his own potion, [P5] cast it on himself, and I did the other method of damage prevention: staying downstairs."

the OOD

2014-09-10, 01:55 AM

from my X-files/delta green game
featuring Neil Caffrey: con man extraordinaire!

*Neil Caffrey and Trent walk in on the mob's smuggling operation*
Neil Caffrey: hello, we're private investigators...
Trent::smalleek:
*gunfire*

Police Sargent: thank you for coming down to the station, are you familiar with federal agent Warren?
Neil Caffrey: we shot him three times, stabbed him in the neck with a switchblade, tried to tazer him, blew him up, and left him in a burning building, we can only hope he is dead.
Party: :smallsigh:*facepalm*
Police Sargent: Security!

Sith_Happens

2014-09-10, 04:15 AM

"Iron Heart Surge makes great brain bleach."

"I wonder if a law firm could get away with being called 'Oscar, Meyer, & Wiener?'"

KnotKnormal

2014-09-10, 09:50 AM

ATOMIC HIGHWAY

Jack Rabbit: Every one get away from the door. I have a terrible idea.

Buck Fantastic: A new town with which to spread the word of 'Merica.
Jack Rabbit: God damn it Buck, stop trying to convert people to a dead and and useless culture
Buck Fantastic: I respect your opinion as a 'Merican to hate 'Merica.

Jack Rabbit: *Hides Communist stickers and symbols all over Buck Factastic's America themed Motorcycle*

RIFTS DREDD

GM: The captured man breaks your grip and jumps over the railing.
P1: I try to catch him *rolls a 3* ... oops.
*bad guy dies on impact with ground*
P4: You let him get away from you?!
P2: No, He called me a b****, and i didn't like that very much.
P1: that's her story and she's sticking to it.

P3: runs through lab, points gun at Bad Guy Leader, and begins to read rights*
P2: *Fires rocket at enemy security team, instantly killing them all* YOU CAN STILL GIVE UP!!!
Bad Guy Leader: ... my team sucks.

D20 Modern

GM: Lab chemicals splatter you guys in the explosion, There are lethal chemicals here so everyone roll percentiles and get above 5%
P1: 4... Damn
P2: 3... Seriously?
P3: 1 TPK means re-rolls right?
P4: 5... How is this even possible
P5: 97, WOO NOT ME!
Everyone else: **** you!

P1: Why is the room pink all of a sudden and where the hell did P5 go?
P3: uuuuummm... She did it *points at P4:
P4: I can fix him i just need time... and a few miracles... duct tape... oh and a rubber band.
P2: I'll go get a mop

P5: I place my 12 gauge on his nose then continue to pull the trigger until i hear click. *rolls nat 1*
GM: You hear click
P5: oh...oops... *turns off safety* I place my 12 gauge on his nose then continue to pull the trigger until i hear click.
GM: you hear click
P5: what the hell? *checks ammo then switches clip* ok now I place my 12 gauge on his nose then continue to pull the trigger until i hear click. *rolls nat 1*
GM: *laughing* you hear click
P5: Ok then... *drops shotgun and pulls out pistol. I ram the barrel in his eye and pull the trigger until i hear click. *rolls nat 1*
*entire table laughing now*
GM: you here click
P5: What the actual ****?!? I get the spork from the MRE i ate earlier and poke him in the fore head *rolls nat 20* OH COME ON!!! I'm done, throw him off a building, feed him to a petting zoo, i dont care.

P3: so now what do we do with him?
P1: we can go paint a room.
P4: it was very pretty shade of pink.

IAmTehDave

2014-09-10, 12:55 PM

"Iron Heart Surge makes great brain bleach."

Reminds me of a moment in one campaign...

GM: Alright everyone, diplomacy checks for Gather Information.
Everyone else: 10+
Me, with 8 Charisma: 0
**One ridiculous (thankfully short) encounter with a pedophilic pirate later**
Me: Autohypnosis to never remember this every again...

bulbaquil

2014-09-10, 06:34 PM

Ahh, negative modifiers... so much hilarity potential.

Erik Vale

2014-09-10, 06:46 PM

Yea... Try rolling a 0 on perception.

Amidus Drexel

2014-09-10, 06:57 PM

Yea... Try rolling a 0 on perception.

Rolling a -1 on a spot check is probably my favorite. :smallcool:

Madfellow

2014-09-10, 09:48 PM

"Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave."

IAmTehDave

2014-09-10, 11:47 PM

Rolling a -1 on a spot check is probably my favorite. :smallcool:

In a campaign where a natural 1 was treated as a -10... This happened far too often

GM: Alright everyone roll spot checks
PC 1: Natural 1. I see a Dragon.

Dasgovernator

2014-09-11, 12:21 AM

"We need to signal our Werewolf Orphan reinforcements to attack"

PC1: "How the hell is this a first level encounter? We've killed enough people to feed an army."
PC2: "Remind me to invest in the funeral director business in the next town we visit."

"Ogres: What they lack in stealth, they make up in rapid body-disposal"

DigoDragon

2014-09-11, 08:02 AM

Anthony: "What are we going to do about 'The General', captain?"
Seela: "I advise to kill him."
Dackert: "I try to avoid The General. But he's never put a price on my head before."
Galin: "Well if someone tries to kill you, you kill them right back."

Seela: "I'm in the common room with a big stack of tech manuals."
Alexis: "The 'Idiot's guide to safety grenades & exploding panels.' Nice."
Galin: "Step 1, don't touch the antimatter."
Alexis: "Not without safety gloves. Spock demonstrates the video for that one."

Lee: "I'm sneaky, always in the dark."
Seela: "In the dark?"
Lee: "I mean I'm always in the shadows. I could wash you and you wouldn't know."
Alexis: "Wait. Wash us?"
Lee: "I mean WATCH."
GM: "I just got waxed, how'd that happen?!"

Seela: "Rum runners get shot down by other rum runners."
Alexis: "And sober people."

GM: "So who's going along with the captain?"
Alexis: "I have no reason to go. I'll stay here."
Dackert: "I hold a gun to the doc's head."
Alexis: "I'm going along, captain, and you can't stop me."

Alexis: *Playing basketball in the ship's cargo hold*
Lee: "What are you doing?"
Alexis: "Oh hey, it's uh... it's a sport. You bounce this ball around and try to get it into that hoop."
Lee: "I know an alternate sport with a ball."
Alexis: "What is it?"
Lee: (Hits Alexis in the head with the baketball) "Dodge Ball!"
Alexis: "Owww... more like Kill Ball."

Alexis: "Okay, I'll try to make the ball fall into hoop, you block my shot. And no kung-fu this time, okay?"
Lee: *Fast draws a dagger and stabs the ball*
Alexis: "Ahh! My ball!"
Lee: "Hey, I blocked your shot."
Alexis: "... what did this ball ever do to you?"

Winger: "My god, the doc is in the medical bay? What is he doing there?"

Anthony: "Okay the techs installed our Transporter Inhibitor."
Seela: "Are they leaving me a manual for it?"
Anthony: "Nope."
Dackert: "At least we're protected from anything beaming on or taking our crew."
Inhibitor: *Is beamed out by transporter, protecting everything but itself*
Crew: "..."
Dackert; "...Well this is sh*t."

GM: "Make a perception roll."
Dackert: "Failed it by 1."
Alexis: *Flips the dice*
Dackert: "Made it by 1."

Anthony: "Okay, the Transporter Inhibitor should be working now."
Dackert: "Did they test it?"
Anthony: "Yes. They couldn't beam anything out or in. They even tried beaming out a can of spam and it failed."
Alexis: "I didn't know spam could be transported at all."

Alexis: "If you find a prewarp civilization with a cute chick that wants to love a doctor, let me know. I'll buy you dinner."
Seela: "Well, you ought to at least let her twist your arm slightly before running off with her."
Alexis: "Oh there will be plenty of appendages to tug when I get there."

Winger: (On Comm) "Doc, wake up! Get up doc!"
Alexis: (On Comm) "Mmph. Hmm? This better be a well-endowed chick on the line wanting to play doctor."
Winger: "...no. The crew is outside in a firefight. They'll probably need your services."
Alexis: "Did anyone get shot yet?"
Winger: "No, but you know this bunch. Give it another round of combat."

Alexis: (Sticks his head out from the cargo bay door) "I just wanted to let you know, we're all counting on you."

Diachronos

2014-09-11, 03:45 PM

Summoner: "I claw the bagel for 9 damage."

IAmTehDave

2014-09-12, 10:44 AM

From last night's session:

NPC: No don't put him there, that's the good couch.
PC1: Yeah, put the dead Archmage on the cheap couch over there.

NPC: There are dire consequences for using (powerful artifact)
PC2, later: *loses 7 HP permanently*
NPC, standing outside the room: I told you there were dire consequences...

PC1, yelling across the field of floating platforms: Okay everyone stop going through portals for a moment so we can figure this out!

PC1, to a mirror-faced enemy: Go away, no-face! (Roll a wisdom save)
GM: That was your "Vicious Mockery?"
PC1: Look, I'm tired, okay?

PC1, with someone else's character: I set him on fire! (Spell attack...natural 1)
PC3: So you set the portal behind him on fire?

GM: When you arrive at the other side of the portal, your beer stein (Supernatural Weapon for a Dwarven cleric of a Dwarven diety...) appears with you.
PC2: It's like a pet in WoW...

PC1: You know, (PC2), every time you push one of those off the edge it just makes life more difficult for (PC3)...
PC2: Well yeah, I know that. But my character doesn't. And this is fun.
GM, next round: It appears right here (Next to PC3)

Kid Jake

2014-09-12, 09:05 PM

Player: "Congrats. I thought that the unicorn thing was weird, but a Mad Scientist, an Evil Cleric and a Ghoul that thinks he's Edward Scissorhands raising a Giant Undead Baby....I have to say; I didn't see this coming."

DigoDragon

2014-09-13, 11:06 AM

GM: "You see a gauge. Its at 90%. The trick is to know if it is supposed to be at 90%. If it's hydrolic pressure- yes. If it's engine temperature- no."
Alexis: "Wait, why are these things measured in percent?"

Dackert: "If we could afford a less-ghetto part of the galaxy, we would move."
Winger: "Wait, don't we live in a space ship?"
Dackert: "Just push the buttons and land this ship, Winger."
Winger: "A ship that moves? Like, through space?"
Dackert: "The BOX, Winger!"
Winger: "Pushing the buttons."

GM: "Cargo priorities changed with the war. Nobody wants 14 pounds of rubber dog poop anymore."
Dackert: "Yea- Wait."

Dackert: "Inseparable!"
Alexis: "Like Magic Shell on Iceman!"

GM: "Lee, you find a mercenary company. Everyone wants to be a mercenary."
Seela: "Collect and trade them with your friends."

Dackert: "Made perception by 7."
GM: "You notice that out of uniform, the admiral doesn't display the test pattern."
Alexis: "So he's just testy in a suit?"

Alexis: "I bet if I guess a drink name by using the word sex in it, I'll actually get something. So... Sex on the Beach."
GM: "Good guess."

GM: "Sherry is looking at some dresses when you hear 'Hey, that looks like one of the wanted marks'."
Alexis: "Oh damn. The hit men found me?"
GM: "Yes, a pair of professional bounty hunters with rifles."
Alexis: "WWDD- What Would Dackert Do? That's right, he'd fast-draw his gun an shoot to kill!"
Alexis: (Fast draws a stethoscope) "Hmm... plan B."
GM: "What, hide up Sherry's skirt?"
Seela: "If it would help."
Alexis: "That was more of a long term goal after I bought her dinner."

Seela: "Classic aluminum Louisville Slugger. For baseball, karate, football, and any sport you don't want to make contact."
Alexis: "Football?"
Seela: "As my professor said, it's more screwed up then a football bat."

Dackert: (On Comm) "Alexis, where are you hiding?"
Alexis: (On Comm) "We're hiding in a tent."
Dackert: "Uh... I need more info."
Alexis: "A two person tent, beige, $249.99 this weekend only."

GM: "You see smoke coming from both sporting goods and cookware. Two places that smoke obviously comes from."

Seela: "That never stopped us. We'll take any excuse for a party. Clothing optional."
Dackert: "For you Orions, isn't that redundant?"

Necroticplague

2014-09-13, 09:37 PM

BBEG:As you may be beginning to suspect, having you be searched for weapons was not to help make the previous meeting more peaceful. It was just to make sure my minions were the only ones who were armed.
Wall:*Gets hole blown in it*
Shibu: Unfortunately for you, you didn't search nearly closely enough!
BBEG:.......How the f*** did a strip search fail to find a ROCKET LAUNCHER!
Shibu: Should have done a cavity search.
BBEG: That has several very uncomfortable implications.

Rater202

2014-09-13, 10:10 PM

"Hey wait for us!" Sabina called out to the sparkles. She chased after it at top speed.

"After Gear's sparkles." Subtle gallops off after said sparkles as fast as her rather weak frame will carry her.

The PCs were not high this time.

And an other one from the Sabina(played by Digo Dragon)

Seriously! He captured you and put you into a big ball of changeling snot that made you sleep for days and the inquisitor pretended to be you so that he could play tag with us.

Esprit15

2014-09-14, 06:46 AM

You know it was a good session when the first quote is:
- "This went so wrong so fast!"

- "Sir, that man wants to enter the house."

- "Let me into your home!" "Please stop hitting my door with that man! What do you want!?" "You to look at my face! Please let me in!" "Pleas go away!" "Just for a moment!"

- "If you were truly devoted to your faith, you'd have killed yourself."

- "You can't steal a waitress." "What if I pay for her?"

- "Sir, that man, right there. He wants into the house."

- "DON'T GO THAT WAY! DON'T GO THAT WAY! DON'T GO THAT WAY!" "So-" "DON'T GO THAT WAY!" "But-" "DON'T GO THAT WAY! Also, you get an F." "-What!?"

- *the players of the paladin, monk, dread necromancer, and DM all burst into hysterical laughter for a good minute and a half while the scout cries*

- "See? This is why you don't scout ahead. That's what hirelings are for. And sticks. You are literally replaceable by a stick."

- *while evacuating the house* "Sir, the man, he's still at the door. He wants in."

- "You're not my teacher!" "That's another F!" "But you're not my teacher!"

- "Hm, should I etch 'thieving bitch' into the cart?"

- Player 1: "What's your name?" NPC: "Qin." Player 1: "It's Stan now." NPC: "Okay." Player 2: "Actually, it's Stan Lee." NPC: "Okay." Player 1: "Nooo!!!" *kills Stan Lee* Player 2: "Now his name is Dessert."

- Player: "I'm sorry for killing your daughter!" NPC: "It's okay." Player: "Please forgive me!" NPC: "Okay."

- "So now the Paladin can dominate person." "Didn't that happen last game?" "It was kinkier that time." "Well, it is mind control."

- "Shh, shshsh... It's gonna be okay." "Please get off of me." "Everything is going to be alright." "Stop touching me." "Everything's going to be just fine." "Please don't." "Except you got an F." "WHY NOW!?"

- "Not my other knee!"

- "Nice wolfie?"

- "I prefer cart driver to blood sucker. Felt more personal back then, you know?"

- "So, um, good news and bad news. Ah, yeah, um, good news: I found a man to drive the cart! Bad news: he is sketchy as ****! Not just shady sketchy but 'I know things and I'm going to kill you' sketchy. So, ah, yeah, um... Ideas?"

- "If this was a movie, right now you would be the bumbling henchmen."

- Player: "I grab the girl to try and calm her down." DM: "She falls over dead." Player: "Everything I touch dies!!!"

- "Sir, that man wants to enter the house."

- "Thanks for the warning. Now could you move, you're standing over my portal to Hell."

- "Remember to turn the roast!"

Yes, my group has a lot of running jokes. Too many, really. Only thing that I think actually should be explained: The grades are because one character was the teacher to another. Pretty much anything he did got a failing grade. Not kill as many enemies as your teacher? F! Split from the party? F! Shift from NE to TN? That's actually a C. It's an average alignment, after all, it gets an average grade.

Sartharina

2014-09-14, 08:04 AM

I finally have something to contribute!

Quotes from yesterday's game:

DM: "The Jotuns are locked away with the Titans, so nobody gives a **** about the difference."

"I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Everybody look at me
'Cause I'm sailing on a boat
I'm on a boat, I'm on a boat
Take a good hard look
At the mother****ing boat"

"But I'll start with one servant. Because three is a crowd, I can pick up remaining ones later."
"Have the other two be Piggy and Sandy"

"Your highness, you see scandily clad catwomen when you're asleep?"

Squire: "Don't be ridiculous. I'm a squire, not a peasant. I don't row."

GM:The Kraken continues playing with its new toy back in the ocean.

Catgirl: "I came in a boat. It crashed."

Squire: "Behold, the son of a God-King Xerxes, the brotherly king, the hero of people, the sword of justice, the herald of freedom, the bane of tyrants, the scourge of the south, the protector of the east... His highness, Prince Ali Ababwa! ...You may bow now."

Catgirl: "My boat broke. I was on it at the time."

Sailor: "Might be a... cultural thing. You hear of sailors finding people with...different customs when it comes to clothes."
Prince: "Oh, you mean, the poor opressed women of the west? I've heard that they walk around nearly... You understand. Not clothed."

Prince: "Uh... Man! And woman. I've decided to provide you an opportunity to join my entourage."

Viking: "I apologise, the civilisation that is my destination is far north, for I cannot halt my journey, being the bearer of warnings."
Sailor: "Kraken's still out there."
Viking: "I have noticed and have therefore regretebly found a halt in my journey."

Sailor: "But that's a long-term problem. Much more immediate problems here."
Catgirl: "Like wh- Is that a tentacle?"
Sailor: "There's a kraken out there, yes. It's preoccupied by our ship for now."
Servant: "Do we have any food with us?"

Prince: "Shut it, you... Silly man!"
Viking: "I see you have noticed the creature trapping us here"
Catgirl: "Aren't they really smart? I'll ask it nicely."
Servant:"You... are not especially bright, are you."

Viking: "And how do you propose to question it from here?"
Catgirl: "Loudly."
Sailor:"You don't talk to the kraken. Every sailor knows that."
Catgirl: "Not until now. Someone has to be the first... From a safe distance."
Prince: "Kraken is not a creature. It's a demon. A servant of false gods."
Catgirl: "Let's ask the heretic very, very nicely for help then."

Catgirl:"UM, EXCUSE ME? CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
GM: I am trying to avoid the temptation to have the Kraken burst out singing "Splish Splash I was taking a bath", and starting to fail. It is doing the Kraken Equivalent of doing so, instead.
Catgirl: "EEK! I MEAN, COULD YOU PLEASE TELL US WHERE WE ARE? PLEASE?"

"It has found a RUBBER DUCKY"

"Xerxes will crush the Spaghetti Monster. Rawr."

DM: I'm tempted to send a Rescue Trireme, just to have the Kraken eat it.

"Asgard... Asgard... It's a barbarian religion, is it?"
GM:Prince Ali's mouth spontaneously tastes like his foot.

Catgirl: "Clothes?"

Sailor: "Well, we have food now."

"Bird fully cooked or still up?
DM: "Final squak, and everyone hears the sound of 25 XP!"

Catgirl: "Do I have feathers on my face? I got hungry."

Prince:"And we are not demons."
Villagers:"Yes you are"
Prince:"No, I'm not."
DM: The villagers continue to insist you are indeed demons.
Viking: "Will you end this irritating argument?"
Prince:"I am NOT a demon. I am... Squire! Do the thing.

Villagers:"And get the beer!"
Viking:"Beer?"
Catgirl:"Yeah! Now we're talking!"
Sailor"Ah, this sounds better."
Viking:"...ah yes, that beverage."

Squire: "This is too good to be true. They will poison us! And killl us in our sleep!"

Viking: "This is unfortunate that mead is not seved here, for I truly miss the drink of my homeland"

Prince: "So called... Supra... Supra... Soupnatural! We'll handle them with our left hands only!"

Prince: "Gobwins... Gobwins, I'll crush your goblins! I'll choke them with my bare hands and then... Bring'em back to life and choke them again!"
Villager: "Y'can bring people back t'life?"
Prince: "Err.. Figuratively speaking, yes. Figuratively. But that's not important, okay? The important thing is, I'll get rid of those goblins. And it will be easy."

The viking laments at the state of the warriors of this tribe... and somehow has begun teaching them the VIKING way... with a mead distilery already built.

"Wait, are these tribespeople human? Or did I just sleep with like, ogre girls"
DM: "No, you're not ploughing a troll."

Prince: "I think... I think, I gave a lot of promises last night."
Viking: "Ah those, then we must honour them!"

Viking: "Goblins in the forest, a cave with creatures, and screams from the mountains"
Catgirl: "Screams might have been us. Sorry."
Viking "...tis no matter, and it was said mountains, you were too close. Now come, We must quest to honour our promises!"
Prince: "Already? We barely woke up!"
DM: And the goblins agree! Initiative, everyone!

Catgirl: "I told you to sit down and shut up! Now!"

Prince: "Yes, good job, both of you. Now, I will guard this village, while you destroy the remaining goblins in the caves. Sounds fair?"
Viking: "As for you, twas you who made that promise and twas you that must fufil it!"
Prince: "I was drunk! It was a stupid boast!"

Catgirl: "You're no good with a hammer."P
Prince: "Well, yes! I am not actually a warrior!"
Catgirl: "I'm a musician. I killed them."

Viking"Yes, this maiden comported herself well in this battle, you, your highness did not, but fret not you can seek redemption in the heat of combat!"
Prince: "I would rather seek redemption behind combat."
Viking: "For the Valkyries watch over us and surely guide us to victory!"
Catgirl: "You got stabbed by a goblin"
Viking: "Fret not, for it was not my day to be taken of to Valhalla,"
Prince: "Can valkyries also take us home? Because that would be just great."

"Wild magic roll, you said?"
"Yes"
"If this makes everyone blow up, I'm blaming you."

Hyena

2014-09-14, 08:25 AM

You forgot "Prince Ali, handsome is he, Ali Ababwa!"

Dusk Eclipse

2014-09-14, 02:21 PM

From yesterday game

"Why do you come to an amusement park if not to pray?"

Madfellow

2014-09-14, 06:41 PM

"Okay, from now on let's label spellcasting as 'Outside Voice.'"

Sith_Happens

2014-09-14, 06:47 PM

DM: "Does anyone remember Unirex's mom's name? Or is this going to be another [other NPC who needed renaming] situation?"
Player 1: "Um... ****... Cecelia?"
DM: "No, I think it started with an H."
Player 1: "Helen?"
DM: "I thought of that too, but it doesn't feel right either."
Player 2: "Let's call her Helen."
Player 1: "Helena? Horace? Hackatackamema?"
DM: "I'm going to call her Jocasta Hackatackamema 'Unirex's mom' Hogarth. This is now officially her name."

PC: "I go downstairs."
DM: "You see [NPC follower] and [other NPC follower] making out."

"That's what wheelchairs will be called in this setting. 'Zambonis.'"

DM: "There has been no sign nor sign of [returning PC]'s butler."
Player 1: "He's a bad guy now isn't he?"
DM: *pause* *gives Player 1 a dirty look*
Player 1: "He is, isn't he?"
DM: "...Why would you think that?"
Player 2: "Because pattern recognition."

PC 1: "Where's my carriage by the way?"
PC 2: "Probably... somewhere between where you left it and the west gate of the city. The city sort of turned into a giant wheel is the thing."
PC 3: "You see, [PC 4] pressed a button..."
PC 1: "Was it a big red button?"
PC 2: "On top of a pedestal."
PC 1: *facepalm*

"Wow, it is 5:30 and I figured we'd be fighting by now."
"You've been with this group far too long to be figuring any such thing."

"I can do [Player] on my computer."
"I can do [Player] on my computer."
*rest of table chuckles*

"I wonder if this counts a futanari..."

Player 1 [recently returned to group]: "Oh, so someone's finally giving [PC 2] a good smack."
Player 3: "Actually that's been happening a lot lately."
Player 1: "Oh good."

PC 1: "I cast Touch of Idiocy on [PC 2]. Natural twenty, 22 to confirm."
Player 3: *rolls penalty* [To Player 2:] "You now have -7 Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma for the next hour and ten minutes. [*peeks at character sheet*] Ooh, Charisma 3."
PC 2: "I suddenly grow pimples, glasses, and a pocket protector."

"She's not a stripper, just a whore."

"He's keeping her hands tied."
"Ew, we didn't need to know that."
"This coming from you?"
"Point."

Player 1: "...Especially the part with the manacles and the ten foot pole."
Player 2: "Yes, those items were involved, and that's all that needs to be said."
Player 3: "And seaweed."
Player 2: "No, no seaweed."
Player 1: "Why, seaweed can taste great."
Player 2: "Yes, but I'd rather it not be used in a sexual context."
Player 1: "Like I said, it can taste great."
Player 2: *glare*

Necroticplague

2014-09-14, 07:22 PM

Mobster:Give it up!You're unarmed and surrounded!
Naix: Translation; I'm heavily armed in a target-rich enviroment!
Mobster: You have no weapons!
Naix: I HAVE A TEA CUP!
*2 round later*
Player1:Wow, that was impressive.
Player3: Riddick killed A man with a tea cup. Naix just killed 20. I think that qualifies him for some kinda medal.
Player2: The Brass Balls Badass Metal?
Player1: Don't you mean "Medal"
Player2: I said what I meant.

ZeroGear

2014-09-14, 09:18 PM

[PC1] "Don't the goblins want to get inside the walls?"
[DM] "They use siege engines."
[PC3]"I AM A SIEGE ENGINE!"

"OOOOOOOH It's a bunch of things!"

"Solve that with your axe!"

"You've gotta stay hydra-ted to stay in the game."

"My arrows really should break 100% percent of the time."

Fighting Owlbears:
[PC1] "Does a 26 hit?"
[DM] "Yes, it Bear-ly hits."
[PC2] "That's a hoot!"
[PC3] "I love owl of the puns!"

[PC2] "I cut off the owlbear's arms, now I have a set of bear arms."
[DM] "You don't have the right to those bear arms!"

[PC3] "If I kill your giant scorpian I'll apologize and not really mean it."

(Vs a medusa)
[PC1] "Prepare for Blind Justice!"

"I drop Keiger."

[PC2] "I use a soul to raise the giant as a huge zombie."
[DM] "A bunch of adventurers bull rush the giant zombie into a building and kill it."

[PC2] "I'm just going to let my shadow take care of them since they have no magic weapons" :)
[DM] "Oh you d**k!"
[PC2] "Why do you think I named myself Richard?"

"You take full defense actions more then I've ever seen any character take it."

"The cartoon dustball of fighting can envelope any creature, even ghosts."

[PC2] "Everyone wait a second, I put a rank into perform dance."
[PC1] "I use my cufflinks of any cloths to summon hammer pants."

[PC3] "Does he get half cover because I'm holding [PC2]?"
[PC2] And SWINGING HIM THROUGH THE AIR AT [enemy]?"

[PC2] "I am the best improvised weapon ever."

"I drop Keiger, I leave him next to the orc I smushed him against."

Character holding another character. "OK, Hear me out: If he goes to drink a potion, can I ready an action to hold him upside down to drink that potion myself?"

"Bring them closer so I can hit them with my weapon!"

"Alright, I yell 'I SEE YOU' as loud as I can as I attack him with my Glaive."

[PC3] "I like to think these goblins tell stories about me."
[PC1] "I like to think they don't because there are no survivors."

"Should I bring him back to life so he can go back to his tribe and tell them he was killed?"

"DROP ME ON THAT ROGUE! I CAN TAKE IT!"

[PC2] "Man, we should have been scalping these guys to prove how many that we killed."
[PC3] "Aw man, I can carry so many ears."
[DM] "That makes this so eerie."

"I hearby christen this ogre, strawberry vanilla fool."

[DM] "He reabsorbs all his organs, because he has so much constitution."
[PC1] "He becomes like the ooze."

"It's time for the GHOST BUSTERS."

[PC3] "The best defense is a good offense."
[PC1] "At certain levels of D&D it becomes like Rocket Tag."

"I could use ooze fighter style."

[PC3] "I do what I must do. I step back, drink a potion of bulls strength. COME GET SOME!" (Party mage with +4 to hit normal)

Sith_Happens

2014-09-14, 10:42 PM

"I wonder why I've gathered you all here today."

"I know geography! [*rolls low*] I don't know geography!"

"I have an idea. It's not a plan, but it's the perfect plan."
"So it's a plan, then."
"No, it's not quite a plan. It's more of a thing. Respect the thing."

dramatic flare

2014-09-15, 05:05 AM

"I have an idea. It's not a plan, but it's the perfect plan."
"So it's a plan, then."
"No, it's not quite a plan. It's more of a thing. Respect the thing."

I might know of a certain wise-cracking Raccoon who would have choice words for where this conversation goes...

DigoDragon

2014-09-15, 07:44 AM

Peanut Gallery: "Why is there a Victoria's Secret bra coupon on the star map?"
Alexis: "I put it on the unexplored part in hopes of attracting ships there."
GM: "I'd just start at the panties and work my way up."
Alexis: "Well that explains why you have Austin Power's problem."
Dackert: (Impersonating the GM) "Machine guns in the jubblies!? How'd I miss that?"
Lee: (Impersonating a Fembot) "Next time try foreplay."

Alexis: "We could rub two Pikachus together like a defibrillator."

Galin: "From the makers of Hyperspace, its Pantyspace!"
Lee: "Very elastic."

Admiral: "Dackert, I'd like to take the comm and make some calls."
Dackert: "To where?"
Alexis: "900 numbers?"
Seela: "976-Duck. That the plan?"
Admiral: "Just let me consult Madam Cleo, okay?"

Dackert: "Everyone wants me. Somebody wants me alive, somebody wants me dead, somebody probably wants me covered in batter."

Alexis: "Well, I'm dressed up, got my black bag, and I'm ready to aid. Let's get shot!"

Dackert: "Okay everyone, strap yourselves into something. It's going to get bumpy."
Alexis: *Hangs a golf ball from the ceiling over a glass of scotch*
Dackert: "What are you doing?"
Alexis: "Measuring how bumpy the ride will be."

GM: "The ship chasing you drops to Warp 2 after a second hull breach appears."
Winger: "I'll keep going for a while longer at Warp 7. They won't be able to catch up now."
GM: "Why, because they have issues?"
Winger: "Big time."
Galin: "They don't have issues, they have volumes."
Dackert: "Issues? They print the magazine!"
Seela: "I have a subscription to that mag."

Alexis: "The 1812 Overture as a lullaby?"

GM: "Being psionic isn't illegal, but using it against us is."
Alexis: "Duh, that's like saying owning a gun isn't illegal, but shooting people with it is."
GM: "In England owning a gun is illegal."
Galin: "Is this Londonspace? No? Then shut up."

Galin: "Nanites, psionics, and Bacta oh my."

Winger: "What color is Bacta?"
Dackert: "I think red?"
Winger: "If it was pink, would it be 'Bacta-the-Fusha'?"

GM: "Dackert, a group of thugs stop you. The leader shouts 'Freeze, ferret face!'"
Dackert: (Fast draws gun and blows the leader's head away) "Anyone else feeling rich?"
Other Thugs: "..."
Alexis: "Where did he learn to negotiate like that?"
Galin: "I wonder."

KnotKnormal

2014-09-15, 12:02 PM

"Hey... Hey you... Hey you by the fire... F*** YOU!!!"

"No... I Jog, you Thog"

P1-"Pike!"
Bar Keep NPC- "Mop!"
P1- "Pike Pike"
Bar Keep NPC- "Mop Mop"
P1- "pike" *nods head*
Bar Keep NPC- "Mop" *returns nod*

"THAT'S MY HORSE!!!" *hits NPC with chair*

"TEST!!!"

DM- "Do you want to let out a scream as you plunge head first to your death?"
P1- "BAKADANAYNAY!!!"

P1- "Stupid Abominations"
NPC- "That's a bit racist, don't you think?"
P1- "It's ok, I can say that because I'm an abomination too"
NPC- "Well, What if i said that?"
P1- "That would be wrong and you would be punished"
NPC- " That's not fair at all"
P1- "welcome to racial tensions my fine friend."

P1- "did he just..."
P2- "yep."

P4- "yes. go ahead and fuse yourself with the homicidal AI, Nothing bad will ever happen if you try that."
P2- "ok"

P4- "Hey P1, can you read this for me?"
P1- "Sure." *begins silently reading manuscript"
P4- "OUTLOUD!"

NPC- *starts explaining how magic works*
P4- "Wait..." *picks up P1 and points him at NPC* "continue..."

P1- There is some overlap in this Venn Diagram."

P2- "I wish to remain no less then 1 mile away from the party, when not working on a plot quest."
P3- "why?"
P2- "because that is the perfect distance to stay out of the blast radius and still enjoy the show."

P1- "God damn it... I'm going to get blamed for this by the world, aren't I?"
P4- "yep"
P2- "one mile away"

P1- "P2, do you still have the hour glass?"
P2- "yeah i had it stored in... the mountain... we just... blew up"
P1- "God Damn it"

P2- "Never push big bright shiny red buttons!!!"
P1- "Well how was i supposed to know that the big bright shiny red button was a self destruct"
P2- "Because big bright shiny red buttons are always self destructs"
P1- "what about the one in the spa"
P2- "... ok, you have a point... Then only push big bright shiny red buttons when you are at a spa... because those are the fun buttons"

kopout

2014-09-15, 12:15 PM

" I don't know what the f***'s going on, I though f*** was going on!"

Sith_Happens

2014-09-15, 03:04 PM

I might know of a certain wise-cracking Raccoon who would have choice words for where this conversation goes...

No, the plan does not require anyone's cybernetics to be separated from them.

GM: "Being psionic isn't illegal, but using it against us is."
Alexis: "Duh, that's like saying owning a gun isn't illegal, but shooting people with it is."
GM: "In England owning a gun is illegal."
Galin: "Is this Londonspace? No? Then shut up."

Best one.:smallwink:

P2- "Never push big bright shiny red buttons!!!"
P1- "Well how was i supposed to know that the big bright shiny red button was a self destruct"
P2- "Because big bright shiny red buttons are always self destructs"
P1- "what about the one in the spa"
P2- "... ok, you have a point... Then only push big bright shiny red buttons when you are at a spa... because those are the fun buttons"

http://th07.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/f/2011/288/7/a/i_know_that_feel_bro_by_rober_raik-d4cxn5a.png

Makiru

2014-09-16, 03:53 AM

Me: So my Double Panda has now become the most relevant character?
GM: Yep. Now, you get to make up the story.
Me: .....****, you know I'm bad at improv.
GM: Right, so Double Panda sits around staring blankly at the wall for a few minutes. Everyone else now realizes there's a panda in the room.
Other player: Holy ****, a panda!

Gm: Alright, the pirates have been knocked out and you're possessing the remains of their ship. What now?
Me: Is that handicapped guy who wouldn't give me his wheelchair still in town?
GM: ...yes?
Me: I use my FTL boosters and shoot the boat into his face!
GM:.........well, thankfully, he's only knocked out. The ship is ruined and stuck in the middle of town, though.
Me: I possess his wheelchair and zoom outta town! Beep beep!
GM: "hangs head in semi-defeat"

Me: I lightly punch the flaming duck in the bill to establish mutual camaraderie.

GM: The shoe Craftsman begs for your forgiveness, saying he only tortured you under orders.
Me: Well, good thing I took out my hearing aids! "throws hearing aids in lava pool, regains Deaf drawback"

Me: I am the mighty Tea Craftsman! By coming into my shop, you have sealed your fate! Earl Grey Assault! "throws teacup"

Me: I begin lecturing to the door about the finer point of pre-Pelor philosophy. "obscene History check"
DM: The door crumbles to dust.

Me: Hey, minotaur, come work for us! We have free horn and dental! "roll mind control attack"
DM: The minotaur beings considering it, but isn't convinced enough to stop punching Karol.
Paladin: "uses interrupt to boost attack roll" C'mon, it's free dental!
DM: The minotaur accepts your terms.

bulbaquil

2014-09-16, 10:03 PM

GM: "Make sure you don't trip over your window."

P2; "Just because they're termite-ridden doesn't mean they're not there."

P2: "Does the toaster do anything?"
P6: "It makes toast."
GM: "It does nothing."
P5: "I have this image of a toaster coming out Predator-style."
P2: "The toaster was stealthed!"

P3: "Oh, it just dawned on me: I have armor! I should remember this!"

P4: "I shoot the grenade!"

P4: "Well, this is going on my blog. Human vs. Toaster. The result may surprise you."

P5: "Crap. I put my weight in pounds."

P5: "Can we be sure there aren't invisible toasters in the garage?"

P3: "Let's elect the toaster president!"
P5: "All hail President Toaster!"

P3: "No, [P2] gets two turns in a row now. And probably will go first next round."

P2: "What do I see? Another toaster?"
GM: "No, this one's a hair curler."
P4: "I didn't know [P1's character] cared that much about his hair."

P6: "Okay, where's the black market Home Depot around here?"

P6: "I think I'm going to take a swim in RFID tags one day."

P5: "This is probably the most I've heard the words 'meat' and toaster' in one sitting."

P5: "You'd need to bring my corpse with you."
P1: "...I pick you up and bring you with me."

P4: "Do you mind if blood gets on the upholstery?"
P3: "You're asking him if he'd mind THAT?!"

P6: "So we have good cop ghost, bad cop... cop."
P4: "There is no 'cop'."
P5: "Yeah, this is Shadowrun. What cop?"

P4: "Recreational question: What did we learn here today?"
GM: "After about two minutes, one of them responds 'not to f*** with you guys.'"

GM: "This is the seediest place you've ever seen."
P1: "Great."
P3: "Awesome; we'll fit right in!"

GM: "All the cars look dented."
P5: "Great, time to practice my parallel parking!"

P5: "If I didn't let you get in my vehicle, you'd get in anyway."

P1: "Pardon me."
P3: " 'Pardon me'? 'Pardon me'?"
P5: "Well, this is crazy out of character."

P3: "So far I've managed to accomplish my goal: not die in Shadowrun."

Esprit15

2014-09-17, 02:31 AM

"Hm, I'll have to remember to hide her sister in the van before they leave."

DigoDragon

2014-09-17, 07:41 AM

Seela: "The Iowa won't fly again after the explosion on turret 2."
GM: "Put a bug up someone's ass and it'll fly. Maybe literally if it explodes again."
Alexis: "The Iowa shouldn't be flying at all, what with it being a 'sailing-on-the-water' kind of ship."

Messenger: "Doctor, the Prefect would like to see you."
Alexis: "Uh..."
Seela: "Need a tag-along for moral support? Or maybe fire support?"
Messanger: "If you're going to see the Prefect, you must be unarmed."
Alexis: "Seela, think you can kill a man with your thumb?"
Seela: "That's Lee. I wouldn't trust him."
Alexis: "I trust Lee. I just try to avoid his thumbs."

Alexis: "Hey crew, could we meet in the common room? And Lee, bring your thumbs."

Alexis: "So we got people who A) want their microwave back, and B) want to put down their Orion slave."
Tammy: "So give them back their microwave?"
Seela: "By microwave, they mean the doc."
Tammy: "But he's not a microwave."
Alexis: "You think?"
Seela: "These people also accuse Galin of fraud and embezzlement."
Galin: "I thought to embezzle you need to work for the company?"
Alexis: "It's okay, I'll keep it quiet for 5%."
Galin: "Thanks. So does the company think my nanites are stolen property?"
Alexis: "Dunno, but I guess right now Lee is the safest person here."
Dackert: "Lee has memory issues, I think our walking 'amber alert' is the safest person right now."
Tammy: "Who?"
Winger: "He means you, Tammy."

Seela: "I want to see what's going through his face."
Alexis: "Neutrinos?"
Galin: "Quarks?"
Lee: "My fist?"

Seela: *Fails skill check on replacing the sensor parts*
GM: "You install the part, but can't tell if it works or not."
Galin: "What, can't you just turn it on and see what happens?"
Alexis: "I can stick a can of soda out in front of the ship and then Galin can pump 100,000 Gauss into it."
Sherry: "Test the shields instead. It's a more important part anyway."

Alexis: "Well you know, every ship hits it's stride. Ours just hit it 20 years ago."

Lee: "I can help Dackert limp to the meeting."
Seela: "You could carry him."
Alexis: "Wear him like a mink coat."

Blue Sun VP: "I built the company security system. I can circumnavigate it. Your job is to go in, kill the CEO, and then leave."
Alexis: "We're pretty good at the last part."
Blue Sun VP: "What, leaving?"
Galin: "Well we can kill him easy enough. It's getting in and out that we need details."
Blue Sun VP: "We need to work quickly because the CEO has many defenders, including dead people."
Alexis: "That'll make it a bit difficult to kill the defenders."
Sherry: "Because they're already dead?"
Seela: "And have no life."

Blue Sun VP: "Well you got a plan, you got a team, and hopefully you got a Will."
Seela: "I don't have a family."
Blue sun VP: "Well leave it all to your dog then."
Seela: "I don't have a dog."
Galin: "Get it right, leave it all to your microwave."
Alexis: (Cartman Voice) "Sweet!"

Alexis: "Okay Lee, I have a can of Whup-Ass. Teach me how to open this."

Seela: "We're off to ice the wizard of Blue Sun."
Galin: "Winger is Todo."
Winger: "ARF! ARF!"

GM: "Winger, roll perception if you have dice."
Alexis: "Well he doesn't, so make up a number."
Lee: "55."
Alexis: "You know, you can't roll above an 18 and ideally you wanted a LOW number."

Galin: (Schwarzenegger Voice) "Come with me if you want to get paid."

GM: "On the news, an Arandi research station mysterious exploded."
Galin: "We didn't know of such a station there."
GM: "Right. There was no station at that point."
Galin: "So a station that doesn't exist now no longer exists?"

GM: "Time to see if the info is worth the money you paid for it."
Alexis: "But we didn't pay... aww man..."

Winger: "Dang that is one short runway... but look how wide it is!"

Lee: "I lost Galin to his Wii."
Alexis: "Why don't you play with his Wii too?"
Lee: "But if he's playing with his Wii he'll want alone time."
Dackert: "Hey look, an ejector seat to escape this conversation." (Ejects)

ZeroGear

2014-09-17, 09:20 PM

Alexis: "Well you know, every ship hits it's stride. Ours just hit it 20 years ago."

You quoted the Llama, nice!
Anyway:

"I AM DAINTY"

[P2] "Can you let down your glaive and hoist me up over that?"
[P3] "Oh Yeah, then I can swing my glaive with you on it towards him."
[P2] "I am the best weapon in this party!"

[P2] "You're too big to ride my gigantic flying Snake!"
[P4] "Is spell penetration a good feat?"

"I am the god of Life and Death and the god of Blood and Change."

"A gigantic snake between your legs? I don't see how that could be compensating between for anything."

"Man if they defeat you, they're going to have SO MANY BABIES."

"I'm going to blow these things in ice and coldness."

(Talking about a giant slug) "Turn it into a skeleton!"

"WHY ARE THERE GIANT TIGERS AROUND HERE? "

"Noone expect the spanish tigers!"

"Don't worry, I can last another round with a tiger on my head."

[DM] "You see these guys in the lakes."
[P4] "I OPEN FIRE!"

[DM] "That wouldn't hit a naked lizard man!"
[P2] "That would barely hit me!"

[DM] "I'm worried about rigor mortis!"
[P1] "Rigor mortis doesn't set in instantaneously."

DigoDragon

2014-09-19, 08:06 AM

GM: "One corpse is lying in the doctor's office."
Alexis: "Wait, what? Why is there a corpse in here?"
Dackert: "Storage until you figure out what killed him."
Galin: "What is there to figure out? Lee got a hold of him and shattered his neck."
Lee: "It was an accident!"

Sherry: "There's someone here to see the captain. She's a... zebra lady person."
Galin: "Well the captain's currently sedated."
Winger: "I'll go talk to her."
Galin: "Great, we're doomed."
Lee: "Such little faith in our pilot."
Galin: "Little faith, lots of insanity."

Zebra Lady: "I am Duchess Heather Glassglow. Are you the people rumored to be here plotting to kill the mother F'ing CEO?"
Alexis: "How do we answe a question like that?"
Lee: "Who the hell are you, horse face?"
Galin: "Like that."
Heather: "I'm the Flavor of the Month with the CEO."
Seela: "OoOoh, this is good."

Alexis: *Opens the Med-Bay doors*
GM: "Your cadaver is sitting up."
Alexis: *Closes the Med-Bay doors* O_O
Lee: "Do you need help?"
Alexis: "Yeah, I told the cadaver not to move and it didn't listen."
Lee: *Draws his blaster*

GM: "Galin, the prisoner lying on the cargo bay floor stands up."
Galin: "Uh, he was tied down."
GM: "Was. He broke the rope."
Galin: "What do we do?"
Heather: "Shoot him, duh!"
Galin: "Oh, right! Sure thing! (Blam! Blam! Blam!)

Alexis: "Okay, we caught the... worm-parasite thing controlling the cadaver. Now what?"
Lee: "Let's kill it."
Alexis: "Maybe by suffocation?"
GM: "The parasite doesn't breathe."
Lee: "Don't we have a microwave?"
*Moment of contemplation*
Alexis: "Yeah! What is it, 20 minutes per pound?"
Lee: "I'll get the butter."

Galin: "Okay, he's now dead."
Cadaver: *Gets back up*
Galin: "Okay, this is new. What's our plan B?"
Heather: "Fire."

Ward-9 Computer: "WARNING! Fire detected in Cargo Bay 2!"
Winger: "What the...? Hey, what's going on back there?!"
Galin: "Uh, nothing important. Just roasting a zombie with fire."
Winger: "And you didn't invite ME?!
Galin: "Well not intentionally, no."
Dackert: (Awakens from the sedatives) "Wha- What's going on? Why is the fire alarm ringing?"
Winger: *Runs by the captain with a bag of marshmallows and a stick*
Dackert: "What. The. F***."

Dackert: "What the hell happened here?"
Galin: "Our tied up prisoner broke the knots so we killed him."
Heather: "At which point he got back up so we killed him a second time."
Galin: "With fire."
Winger: *Toasting marshmallows*
Dackert: "Wait, the dead got up? Didn't I leave a cadaver in Med-Bay?"
Galin: "Uh, yeah."
Dackert: "Damn it!" (On Comm) "Alexis, where are you?"
Alexis: (On Comm) "Lee and I are in the common room cooking a quick snack."
Worm-Parasite in Microwave: *POP!!*
Lee: "Chunky..."
Dackert: "What the hell is wrong with my crew today?"

Dackert: "Okay, and who's the zebra lady here?"
Heather: "I am Duchess Heather Glassglow. You must be the captain I'm looking for. I spoke to your pilot, Winger."
Dackert: "Oh, crap."
Heather: "Your crew said that too..."

GM: "The CEO activates a force-field in front of his bedroom door"
Dackert: "I go into the room next to his."
GM: "Okay, but his outside window is also protected with a force-field."
Dackert: "That's fine." (Shots through the unprotected wall between rooms and breaks the force-field generator)
GM: "Oh..."

Heather: "You know, the CEO had a special private shipment leaving to Nowhere from the spaceport. If we intercept it, we could stand a healthy profit from his cargo."
Lee: "Not like the CEO is going to be doing much complaining now."
Dackert: "So how do we follow a shipment to Nowhere?"
Heather: "It should be registered with a post carrier beacon."
Galin: "Great, let's go postal."

Dackert: "Oh yeah, Lee would be a perfect doctor."
Lee: "Want I should pummel him back to health?"

KnotKnormal

2014-09-19, 08:49 AM

Alexis: *Opens the Med-Bay doors*
GM: "Your cadaver is sitting up."
Alexis: *Closes the Med-Bay doors* O_O

This has happened countless times in my campaigns... It's always a glorious moment.

KnotKnormal

2014-09-19, 09:28 AM

P1: I go through my morning routine and head out the door.
GM: as you walk out the door roll me a spot check and don't fail.
P1: *rolls dice* I didn't fail.
GM: you notice the the forest surrounding your cabin in on fire, and the flames are quickly approaching you.
P1: I walk back in and go through my normal Night time routine, then prepare to die in my sleep, because i did not prepare the right spells for this today.

P3: were you seriously just going to let yourself die?
P1: I prepared the wrong spells, didn't really have an option.
P2: You had nothing to help?!? did you prepare any spells?
P1: today was supposed to be a boring, uneventful, relaxing day of research. I took the fire as a sign it was going to be a ****y day, and went back to bed.

P3: so what did you prepare?
P1: about 50 castings of decipher script, comprehend language, and read magic. Oh and one true res.
P4: True res seams out of place.
P1: I though it necessary for when P2 kills himself in the library.
P4: how the he.....
P2: No, no... he has a point.

P2: I'm bored... *jumps over balcony on top floor of the "World Library"
*splat*
P1: told ya.

P2: Hehe... i look like a Jackson Pollock painting
P3: there is something truly wrong with you.

P2: *Rips out tiger's eye* It's the eye of the tiger, i'ts the king....
P4: Holy Sif, you are disturbed.

P2: *picks up burnt corps and tries to puppeteer it* Only you can prevent forest fires.
P1: What is wrong with you!?!

**Passed Note Conversation**
P3: Are you sure he's not evil
P1: *casts detect alignment: evil* and looks at P2
GM: You do not detect any evil
P1: He's clean
P3: but how?

P2: P1, i have something really important to ask.
P1: sure go ahead.
P2: How is it that you can go... Oh look, a bunny rabbit. *walks off*
P1: I don't think I've ever... *turns around to see P2 in a pile of Rabbits*

P1: What are you doing?!?
P2: THEY'RE SO SOFT!!!

GM: Roll a listen check... don't fail
P2: *rolls dice*... *hangs head in shame*

Reverent-One

2014-09-19, 09:52 AM

kopout

2014-09-19, 06:27 PM

Gm: its your turn, watcha doin?
Me: I'l tell you what I'm doing! I lying on the ground unconscious is what I'm doing with my turn!
Gm: oh yeah, P4 your turn

Neli42

2014-09-19, 10:42 PM

Rogue: Yes, I'm a skill monkey without lockpicks!
Druid: So really you're just a monkey.

Monk: He found a secret door. It appears to be for rodent use.

and a personal favorite: [P1]I've got a colleague of trap-finding.

DigoDragon

2014-09-20, 08:40 AM

This has happened countless times in my campaigns... It's always a glorious moment.

It is. One fun thing with the old group of this campaign is we liked to provide the 'Star Trek' sound effects and pantomime out the movements. It just makes it even better.

Galin: "I check the channels, what am I getting?"
GM: "Dead air on all but two. One sounds like chatter and the other like a fax machine message being sent."
Galin: "I wonder what the fax transmission says?"
Winger: "That we should get an HD radio for more channels?"

Heather: "I feel that the ship stopped. Is there a problem?"
Dackert: "There's always a problem."
Alexis: "But is it our problem?"
Dackert: "It's always our problem."

Dackert: "Damn it, why does everyone place bets on my ship and crew without my knowledge or consent!?"
Crew: *Looks at Lee*
Lee: "It was just that one time!"

Lee: "Can I smack Seela across the face?"
Seela: "We have nothing to lose!"
Alexis: "Well possibly your lips if Lee hits you."

Galin: "Experience- What you get after you needed it."

Station Control: "Hailing transport ship Ward-9. What is your business in this system?"
Galin: "We're transporting foodstuffs and Twinkies to the station."
Station Control: "Proceed. Land at platform 6."
Alexis: "I like that detail on how you didn't group Twinkies with the food."

Lee: *Buys an M79 grenade launcher*
Galin: "I thought you were buying a handgun?"
Lee: "I just did."

Sith_Happens

2014-09-20, 09:59 PM

Galin: "Experience- What you get after you needed it."

I am so stealing this.

CKirk

2014-09-20, 10:57 PM

Scholar: As a free action, I grope the dragon.

Sith_Happens

2014-09-21, 01:44 AM

Scholar: As a free action, I grope the dragon.

Joke's on him, groping is a move action.:smalltongue:

Marnath

2014-09-21, 07:35 AM

Joke's on him, groping is a move action.:smalltongue:

That depends on where your hands are already at.

Prince Raven

2014-09-21, 08:11 AM

Technically it's a combat manoeuvre.

Fearan

2014-09-21, 01:08 PM

"That's a fine planet for us to loot. And we could use those orbital shipyards too. Surely not all of those five cruiser-sized vessels are military"

Marnath

2014-09-21, 01:29 PM

"That's a fine planet for us to loot. And we could use those orbital shipyards too. Surely not all of those five cruiser-sized vessels are military"

I bet that plan worked out well. :smalltongue:

Fearan

2014-09-21, 02:12 PM

I bet that plan worked out well. :smalltongue:
Didn't happen yet. It was a cliffhanger

Dasgovernator

2014-09-21, 02:54 PM

"In Soviet Russia, tree hug you!"

P1: "Can I interest you in the new sensation sweeping the nation, the totally-not-poisoned Evil-Daemonic Super Spice! Best when used on dishes to be eaten by the entire garrison you're in charge of feeding! Results in 10 minutes or less or your money back!"
DM: "You're taking a -5 circumstance penalty on your bluff roll for that"
P1: *Rolls a Nat 20
DM: *Facepalms "She asks if you have more she can give to her friends"

EDIT: I have another one:

"What do you mean the wall doesn't re-spawn? That's ********!"

Sith_Happens

2014-09-21, 08:29 PM

"...Things we didn't know about [the DM] ten seconds ago that we wish we still didn't."

"The original Dracula never raped anyone."
"Vampires are an allegory for rape."
"Then why do female vampires always go for children?"
*entire table falls silent*

NPC: "Sometimes [the Formians] don't raid us. It happens."
PC 1: "Yeah, they're busy raping the princess."
DM: "Do you say that out loud?"
PC 1: "Of course not."
PC 2: "Natural one says he does. [*rolls a d6*] Nope."
PC 1: "Does [PC 3] say it?"
PC 2: "...I'm gonna need a d4 for that."

"...So technically, Ryan Reynolds never played that horrible version of Deadpool."

Player: "[My character] is now Deadpool. I start looking at the fourth wall and cracking jokes."
DM: "NO. You get struck by lightning for real this time and die."

"****... Oh wait that's a nineteen."

"You took my ass as a trophy a long time ago, this is a synthetic replacement."

"Have we done anything yet?"

ZeroGear

2014-09-21, 09:29 PM

"Yeah, I put on my face to block."

[PC5] to [PC2] in a cheerful voice: "I'll spike you!"

"In general, if a crocodile swallows my friend, I will attempt to free my friend."

[DM]: "You're still in the croc."
[PC2]: "What a crock!"

[PC1]: "And now we watch the miracle of Birth!"
[PC2]: "That isn't a birth, it's the miracle of c-section."

[PC2]: "Well it couldn't use swallow whole."
[PC4]: "Especially if it's a skeleton."

"We have proven that the dracolisk can fight its way out of an illusionary bag"

"I think it's horrifying that I've gotten used to being eaten by tigers."

[PC1]: "He's got extra arms."
[PC4]: "He's our Man at ARMs."
[DM]: "He's a one man ARM-y."

"Can Tiger's make heal checks?"

"But on the bright side, if it pounces you, I'm free, and you're dead. So..."

"Party gold, it's like having a party with your gold."

[PC1]: "If we decide we don't like the cargo, I have bombs."
[PC4]: "I AM A BOMB!"

"Spider tank! I'm not an expert cat burglar, I'm just a jackass in full plate with spider climb"

the OOD

2014-09-21, 11:24 PM

Scholar: As a free action, I grope the dragon.
wait, Thomas counts as a scholar? even with The Crossbow?

from the same game:
"I grope it more thoroughly, searching for a thick, juicy piece of flesh."

"Satan, are you ok!?:smalleek: I... I didn't mean it:smallfrown:"

GM: encounter over, time for xp, list your ECLs
Thomas: so my effective combat level is three...
GM: thirty-eight, you forgot to factor in your explosives

different game:
*PC3 parks the car*
PC1: Holy ****! I jump out of the car and ready my switchblade and a can of mace
PC2: I jump out the passenger side and draw my taser!
PC3: I have duct tape!

lytokk

2014-09-22, 06:50 AM

Talia: 1000 gold sounds a little much for these gloves (diplomacy roll, 24)
NPC: How about, 900, and a trip to our hot springs
Valkyrie and Vorkel: HOT SPRINGS EPISODE

Cho-zen: Lystera, someone wanted to see you about something.
Lystera: Oh, who was it?
Cho-zen: That guy... umm... the one I gave my sword to?
Lystea: You gave your sword away?
Talia: You mean Rock? The blacksmith who has been with us since day one?
Cho-zen: Yeah, that guy.

DM: So you come up to Rock bangin away on the anvil
Lystera: Eww...
Laughter from the crowd
DM: Alright alright, you see Rock working away on the anvil...
Laughter
DM: There's no right way to phrase that

Cho-zen: I want someone to turn this dragon skull into a helmet.
Talia: Is this going to be a thing? Are we all going to wear dead enemies skulls on our heads.
Valkyrie: Yes.
Talia: Well you're not going to see me wearing anything dead on me
Vorkel: You know your hair is dead skin cells right?
Talia: Yes I know that, but Talia doesn't. And if anyone tells her that she's going to lightning bolt you in the face.

Cho-zen: So how much?
NPC vendor: To turn that skull into a helmet? 1000 gold.
Cho-zen: That's a little much. How about 20?
NPC Vendor: 20 gold? Man, I've got 3 kids to feed, no way I can do it for that. How about 500?
Cho-zen: No, 30 gold
NPC: No way. I've got 5 kids to feed, 200
Choz-zen: Not going to happen. 50 gold
NPC: Man, I've got 12 kids to feed. 200 is the best I can do.
Valkyrie (upstairs changing baby diaper): Dammit Copenhagen, give dem de air.

Cho-zen: So let me get this straight, I roll a 26 on my gather information, to find the best bonecrafter in town to turn this into a skull, and I get the one guy who steals it, and runs away?
DM: You were looking for the best, not the most reputable.
Cho-zen: You'd think someone would have told me this.
DM: Not my fault, I based him off the taxi driver from total recall. That should have told you everything.

Vorkel: So we're in agreement. We abandon our quest to save the world from a demon invasion to track down the (bleeping) gnome that stole the skull.
Everyone: Yes.
DM: *Scraps plans for the next few sessions*

Lystera: Why don't we just hire some mercenaries to track him down?
DM: And now we know how I'm starting the game after this one.

Rater202

2014-09-22, 08:43 AM

"The original Dracula never raped anyone."
"Vampires are an allegory for rape."
"Then why do female vampires always go for children?"
*entire table falls silent*

Holy s***!

and my latest contrabution:

Sabina:"I have Mrs. Integra for math?! That's crazy my dad had her for math! She's... evil,The universe is out to get me."

Gear:"Don't worry Sabina, I have her too. I can help you there. Now, repeat after me: The length of the Hypotenuse, C, of a right triangle is the square root of o the sums of one side, A to the second power and the third side B to the second power, or to simplify 'if A2+B2=C2, then C is the length of the hypotenuse.'"

Sabina:*Blank Stare*"Right... um, I'll work on that."

DigoDragon

2014-09-22, 09:45 AM

*entire table falls silent*

Awkwarrrrrd. :smallbiggrin:

Alexis: *Alone in the common room eating chicken soup*
GM: "So how's everyone doing?"
Alexis: "They're dead." (slurp)
GM: "Then how are you doing?"
Alexis: "Not dead." (slurp)
GM: "Because...?"
Alexis: "I have chicken soup." (slurp)

Dackert: "Why am I driving?"
Heather: "Because Lee backed up into a trash can when he tried driving."
Galin: "And Winger out-shown Lee by driving over the trash can five times."

Alexis: "It's like if you wanted info on the US economy, but instead of contacting Alan Greenspan, you contacted Uwe Boll."

Alexis: "I'm the one wearing the military jumpsuit with "EOD" written on the back in marker."

Alexis: "Let's lay Lee down on his back. Using my MedScanner, is he suffering from... a... in the brain..."
GM: "Yes, he has a chemical imbalance in his brain."
Alexis: "Thank you. That's much more eloquent then how I was going to state it."
Dackert: "What, is Lee suffering from a brain orgasm?"
Lee: "WhooooYaaaaa!"
Seela: "Well that's technically a chemical imbalance."

Alexis: "We could set this warehouse on fire. That'll destroy the body."
Dackert: "Fire is great, but what kind of bomb is under the body?"
GM: "It's a 10 Megaton thermal-nuclear bomb. The butt's weight is the trigger."
Alexis: "Suddenly fire is not so good."
Dackert: "Yeah, something about vaporizing two square miles of city isn't sitting well with me."

Dackert: "So how could we remove the bomb from this equation?"
Alexis: "We can steal the butt along with the trigger."
GM: "You want to steal the bomb?"
Alexis: "With the butt!"

Dackert: "Great, we show up disguised as 3 military officers and the doc is wearing a dog suit."
Alexis: "Woof! I'm a furry!"
Dackert: "Once again, Alexis, too much information."

Dackert: "Okay doc, make with the scans. Everyone look official, we're going in."
Alexis: "We put the Capt'n EO in EOD!"

Dackert: "So much for the dog suit theory." (Draws weapon)
Seela: "Plan B-- Ballistics!"

Necroticplague

2014-09-22, 09:45 AM

GM:O.k., anyone remember where we were last time we played this?
Player2: Well, kreig just suicided himself out an airlock, in an attempt to live up to the maxim that everything is air dropable at least once, and I'm busy trying to find a more sensible way off this ship.
Player1: You mean I actually started doing my job of leaping into combat, while you twiddle your thumbs in a burning hunk of wreckage.
GM:You two can stop bickering like you're already married, I found my notes.

Player1:Isn't it kinda weird the khornates are pretty much ignoring me as a cut my way through them to the frontline? It's not like I'm being remotely stealthy.
Player2:...
Player2:You appeared from the sky in a shower of scrap metal and fire, and then started chopping everything that moved, while having flesh so tough as to render everything man-portable completely useless. As far as they know, their sacrifice was rewarded by freaking dropping a Champion among their ranks.

IAmTehDave

2014-09-22, 12:42 PM

Seela: "Plan B-- Ballistics!"

That's plans A-Q, for my group...

PC1: Please, [PC2], don't try to convince the natives you're a god. Just this once.
*Later*
PC2: *Puts on the mask that's a companion to the natives' god-symbol*
NPC: I AM NOT WORTHY! *grovels, runs back to village to inform everyone*
PC3: *Nervous breakdown* It's okay...We can just tell them that we're messengers of their god bringing it back to heaven. Yes, that's what we're going to do *runs off into the jungle*
PC1: The one time we REALLY didn't want you trying to convince people you're a god...
PC2: I'm sure it'll work out just fine.

the OOD

2014-09-22, 05:42 PM

Thomas: I have craft(cunning plan)!
GM: you know no plan survives contact with the enemy, so your plan is going to fall apart as soon as an encounter begins.:smallamused:
Solus: I have emergency repair! so the cunning plan can last an extra 1d6 rounds!
John: then you can use jurry rig to hold it together for longer!
GM: there is a 10% failure chance per round
Thomas: then I can use craft(cunning plan) to fully repair the cunning plan!
Solus: it's perfect!

Thomas: the necrol are causing a nuclear meltdown at the reactor!
John: let's nuke the facility to stop them!
Thomas: that would kill us to... wait, what if we jurry-rigged the nuke into a shaped charge?
Solus: I got this.:smallbiggrin:

"R.O.V.E.R; the Texan your Texan wishes they could be"

Sith_Happens

2014-09-22, 10:30 PM

Vorkel: So we're in agreement. We abandon our quest to save the world from a demon invasion to track down the (bleeping) gnome that stole the skull.
Everyone: Yes.
DM: *Scraps plans for the next few sessions*

Remember, you haven't truly played an RPG until this has happened.:smalltongue:

Awkwarrrrrd. :smallbiggrin:

Indeed.

---------------

"It's [other player]'s [synonym for "rooster"], I'm just using it."

"...So I guess that means the tie-breaking vote goes to [The Loonie]."
"Aw, crap."

"Crap, that means it's going to be two weeks before we can finish filling out this map. That's going to drive me crazy."

"Moonlight Sonata on a bass of all things is what finally wakes you up. Okay then."

"Technically I can still hear you right now, I'm just not going to let on that I can."

MReav

2014-09-22, 11:00 PM

Krampus: Your body is strong, but your spirit's unwilling, so you'd better leave now or I'll get with the killing.

Wizard: You've fought with great skill, but all is not well, goodbye and goodnight, I'll see you in hell. *Megablast*

Santa: Your words of repentance brings warmth to these halls. However get this straight: only Mrs. Clause gets to touch Santa's.... *not wanting to risk profanity filters*. *nutshots the Krampus*

CKirk

2014-09-22, 11:22 PM

wait, thomas counts as a scholar? even with The Crossbow?

He did until you rebuilt.

Solus: "Wait, did I leave my tools behind when you had the square start flying? I think I did."
Keldrim: "You then blew them up, yes. On the plus side, you blew up all the monsters"

DigoDragon

2014-09-23, 07:41 AM

Thomas: I have craft(cunning plan)!

That was an amusing discussion. :D

Neli42

2014-09-23, 11:57 AM

(I am STILL snickering about Alexis simply closing the med-bay doors upon seeing the cadaver sitting up).

GrayGriffin

2014-09-23, 12:39 PM

"YOU SET ME ON FIRE, I am not letting you do healing of any kind on me!"

Braininthejar2

2014-09-23, 05:20 PM

Masashi: You should be grateful you don't have to deal with the kind of problems I have in Osaka

Kojiro: Let's see. Last week I had to kill one of my charges after the idiot tried to be smart and got himself marked by a demon. Before we did that... through combination of demon-invested powers and his own creative incompetence he managed to summon something in my flat that will take The Fair One a month to finish exorcising...

Masashi: Just what did he summon!?

Kojiro: Something that patronized The Fair One.

Masashi: 0_0

Kojiro: The gang we managed to take over...

Masashi: But you did take it over?

Kojiro: Turns out they were dealing in dragon's breath. The next shipment is in a month and we still haven't figured out how to avoid buying that stuff. Also it turns out one of their fixers was dealing in child porn and we only found out when police showed on our doorstep.

Masashi: Kuei Jin don't care much about that stuff, though they do look down on it.

Kojiro: His last almost-victim was one of our teammate's street friends.

Masashi: Iru's? Darn.

Kojiro: Anyway, the guy ran away and joined the competition. We also took over a shipment he had ordered, full of guns and enchanted ammo. Hell knows who it was supposed to go to. And now the competition wanted some of it and we are in an open gang war. Good thing our gang has a couple of werewolves to take the front line.

Also, I got another newbie to babysit, some teacher who barely speaks Japanese. How did that guy escape from Hell?

And there is a minor jaundice epidemic among the kidnapped kids we wanted to set an orphanage for, but you probably know that one since most of it has been done with your money.

Masashi: Well, in Osaka I only have a single very big problem...

Dasgovernator

2014-09-23, 05:26 PM

"YOU SET ME ON FIRE, I am not letting you do healing of any kind on me!"

You reminded me of one:

"Come Back! I only have a 20% chance of accidentally setting you on fire this time!"

DigoDragon

2014-09-24, 08:27 AM

SOS Message: "Help! *skzzz* We're the indepe- *skzzz* freighter shi- *skzzz* Cryos- *skzzz* Oh gawd- *skzzz* Help us- *skzzz* Cake- *skzzz* So delicious-" *skzzz*

Dackert: "We found a datapad."
Winger: "Pfft, you can't pet that."

Heather: "Question, are there any lifeboats still onboard the derelict?"
DM: "Yes, all of them are accounted for."
Dackert: "Well no one got off on those pods... wait, that sounded wrong."

Ariel Battleship: (Hailing PCs) "This is the battleship Clydesdale to Ward-9. You will power down your nav system and prepare to be boarded."
Winger: (Picks up the Comm) "Can you wait a sec? My friends found some doggies and a penguin on the derelict. I want to pet them and call them George first."
Ariel Battleship: "... say what?"

Battleship Commander: "So, what is your position on the Ward-9?"
Heather: "Passenger. I'm an explorer."
Commander: "I see. Any other services you provide ma'am?"
Heather: (Undoes the top button of her shirt) "For the right price yes. Depends on the kind of equipment I'm dealing with."
Commander: *Checks thermostat to see if it's warm or just him*

Commander: "Winger is it? Have a seat."
Winger: "I can't, it's bolted down."
Commander: "I meant sit down. So, what is your position?"
Winger: "Missionary."
Commander: *Face palm* "GET. OUT."

Commander: "Your name is Seela, correct?"
Seela: *Silently scowls with arms folded*
Commander: "And your position on the ship is...?"
Seela: *Silently scowls with arms folded*
Commander: "..."
Seela: *Silently scowls with arms folded*

DM: "You know, Lee just carried away the unconscious caitian girl from the bar fight. Since Lee is invisible to cameras, the security team watching the video feed is going to see this cat-girl fighting a blank space, get beaten up, collapse, and then lift off and go sailing out of the room like a dart."
Lee: "And who are they going to tell?"
DM: "...You're right, they go back to their donuts."

Ryu_Bonkosi

2014-09-24, 02:36 PM

SOS Message: "Help! *skzzz* We're the indepe- *skzzz* freighter shi- *skzzz* Cryos- *skzzz* Oh gawd- *skzzz* Help us- *skzzz* Cake- *skzzz* So delicious-" *skzzz*

DM: "You know, Lee just carried away the unconscious caitian girl from the bar fight. Since Lee is invisible to cameras, the security team watching the video feed is going to see this cat-girl fighting a blank space, get beaten up, collapse, and then lift off and go sailing out of the room like a dart."
Lee: "And who are they going to tell?"
DM: "...You're right, they go back to their donuts."

Oh gods, my sides. I'm dieing right now. Send help. And maybe some food.

KnotKnormal

2014-09-24, 02:39 PM

P1: Mom!!! P2 is touching me!!!
P2: am not!
P3: Stop it the both you. You stop instigating, and you stop complaining.

P1: Mom!!! P2 is making faces at me from his fighter!!!
P2: am not
P3: I WILL TURN THIS STAR FLEET AROUND!!!

P1: can my fighter have old school roll down windows
DM: ...sure, why not.

P1: *rolls down window and leans out with a rocket launcher* Say hello to my little friend!!! *psychotic Laugh*
P2: Hello *minecraft villager voice*
__________________________________________________ _______________________________
Epic Lvl NPC: you are to be quiet at this dinner and only speak when spoken to, do you understand?
*party looks at P4*
P4: what?

NPC: *looking at P4* and who might you...
P2: I'm sorry my friend here is actually mute. her name is Lara. (bluff 23)
P4: *Punches P2*

P2: I'm sorry my friend here is actually mute. her name is Jasmine. (bluff 27)

P2: I'm sorry my friend here is actually mute. her name is Cathrine. (bluff 25)

P2: I'm sorry my friend here is actually mute. her name is Rachael. (bluff 24)

Multiple NPCs: Tell us the truth.
P2: I did... she has multiple personality syndrome. (bluff Nat 20, 32)
Multiple NPCs: oh, well then, we apologize.
P4: *Punches P2*

Bad Guy: I'm going to rip off your head!
P2: No your not (rolls bluff. Nat 20, 32)
Bad Guy: No I won't.
P2: Ow!!! self induced paradoxes hurt!

Strigon

2014-09-24, 03:37 PM

SOS Message
Battleship Commander: "So, what is your position on the Ward-9?"
Heather: "Passenger. I'm an explorer."
Commander: "I see. Any other services you provide ma'am?"
Heather: (Undoes the top button of her shirt) "For the right price yes. Depends on the kind of equipment I'm dealing with."
Commander: *Checks thermostat to see if it's warm or just him*

Commander: "Winger is it? Have a seat."
Winger: "I can't, it's bolted down."
Commander: "I meant sit down. So, what is your position?"
Winger: "Missionary."
Commander: *Face palm* "GET. OUT."

Commander: "Your name is Seela, correct?"
Seela: *Silently scowls with arms folded*
Commander: "And your position on the ship is...?"
Seela: *Silently scowls with arms folded*
Commander: "..."
Seela: *Silently scowls with arms folded*

This seems like a scene from Firefly...

Sith_Happens

2014-09-24, 05:45 PM

This seems like a scene from Firefly...

It seems like an episode of Firefly.

Brookshw

2014-09-24, 08:15 PM

It seems like an episode of Firefly.

Are you sure the word you're searching for isn't "was"?

DigoDragon

2014-09-25, 08:48 AM

P3: I WILL TURN THIS STAR FLEET AROUND!!!

*snerk* Now there's a thought. :3

This seems like a scene from Firefly...

It seems like an episode of Firefly.

Are you sure the word you're searching for isn't "was"?

Considering we were essentially a ragtag crew of an independent freighter ship caught up in weirdness, how could it not go this way? :smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon

2014-09-26, 08:26 AM

Alexis: "Despite having a hardwood chair smashed over our patient's head-"
Lee: "Repeatedly!"
Alexis: "-She's only got a couple hairline fractures and a handful of stitches."
Dackert: "I'd normally say that's odd, but this has been a strange year for us."

Galin: "My skin is slightly blue compared to a standard human, but it's pale-white compared to say, an Andorian."
Seela: "So you're a smurf that's been out of the sun too long?"

Seela: "Schwarzschild Industries, providing fine black holes and other spatial anomalies since 12137.5?"

Rufus: "If I find out that certain people are lying then I WILL have them incarcerated. AND KILLED... if I'm feeling nice."
Rufus: *Gulps down his martini, but chokes on the olive*
Galin: "Great. Done in by an olive."
Rufus: *Still choking*
Seela: "Galin, I think he's turning bluer then you."
Dackert: *Slaps Rufus hard on the back. The olive fall out*
Guards: *Show up with weapons*
Rufus: "For saving my life I'll let yours be... for now."
Dackert: "That's awfully nice of you."
Rufus: "I know." (Waves them away)

Lee: "Well I can try talking to the Seer outside. She's a lady and should be prone to lady-like conversations."
Dackert: "Fine, but if she tries to kill you, you kill her right back, okay?"

Traffic Control Tower: "Ward-9, you are cleared for departure on runway 55N. Prepare to-"
Winger: *Takes off before the controller can finish. Engages Warp Drive*
Traffic Control Tower: "Uh... ... ...well then."

DM: "You see a swarm of alien squid creatures coming at the mines toward your position. Workers begin panicking and running away."
Seela: "Calling Winger, you better get the ship's shields up."
Winger: "Sharoona, Sharoona, ma- ma- ma- My Sha-shields... wait, what?"

PCs: *Trying to escape on a small hover truck*
Alien Ship: *Closing in fast, charging up it's BFG*
Seela & Lee: *Fires at the ship, but isn't doing enough damage*
Lee: "Damn, it's really armored."
Heather: "You know Dackert, some grenades would be nice right about now!"
Dackert: "Shut up!"

Traffic Control Operator: "Ward-9, you are clear for-"
Winger: *Takes off immediately and engages Warp Drive*
Traffic Control Operator: "Uh... what the hell?"

Alexis: "Good news. Our caitian patient in medbay has a name. Zelda."
Dackert: "She also confirmed being attacked by fish people which I wager is the squid aliens that attacked us on Ortega."
Galin: "Okay, so princess Zelda has mentioned something about fish people-"
Dackert: "Wait, we suddenly upgraded our patient to princess? So do wait for a green floppy-hat caitian guy to come rescue her?"

Dackert: "Galin, any way we can locate and hail the Exemplar?"
Galin: (Opens a comm channel) "HEY DWEEBS! Where are you!?"
Dackert: "Uh... let- let me try this."

Morinta: "Hey, I can only get fun in two ways and one of them requires batteries."

Heather: "Problem captain?"
Dackert: "Yeah, actually there is."
Heather: "Girlfriend?"
Dackert: "She crossed a far distance in an unusual short amount of time just to see me and hand me some important info."
Sherry: "So you think it's a trap?"
Dackert: "Well do you know my girlfriend to skip out on Starfleet military orders in the middle of an operation?"
Heather: "No-"
Dackert: "TRAP!"

Galin: "No, that was Zen, this is Tao."

DM: "You enter the back room past the curtains. On you left is a Buddha shrine with hanging jade beads-"
Dackert: (Kneels) "Dear Buddha, please give me a pony and a plastic rocket..."

Operative: "Just hand over the isolinear data chip and no harm will come to you."
Dackert: "Sorry klingon, but I'm going to have to call you on the color of your skin- Bullsh**!"
Dackert: *Fastdraws gun, shoots the Operative down*
Operative: (Gets back up) "I may be unarmed, but I'm wearing a ballistic vest, I'm NOT a moron!"
Dackert: (Shoots the Operative down again) "No, but I can do this all day."

PCs: *Are running back into the Ward-9 to escape*
Alexis: "Looks like another 3 gauze adventure."
Sherry: "I like how you rate our trips based upon how much the medical supplies get used up."

Dackert: "Winger, lets get out of here!"
Winger: "Where to and how fast Captain?"
Dackert: "Gunsmoke and at Warp 27!"
Winger: "YES! Calling Traffic Control Tower!"
Traffic Control Operator: "Tower here."
Winger: *Punches it into Warp Drive. Gone*
Traffic Control Operator: "...that's it, I quit."

Strigon

2014-09-26, 04:07 PM

Now you're doing it on purpose.

Sith_Happens

2014-09-26, 04:20 PM

[Snip]

The Firefly references are strong with this post.

Fayd

2014-09-26, 11:30 PM

So, it's me the DM and my party of a rogue, a wizard, and a barbarian.

Me: As you crest the hill, you can see a town!
Party: YAY!
Wizard: A BATH!
Party: YAY!
Barbarian: MOOSE PROSTITUTES!
Wizard: NO!
Rogue: REGULAR PROSTITUTES!
Wizard: PROBABLY!

Necroticplague

2014-09-27, 04:53 AM

Nesdu:So...is this shoot'em, or recruit'em situation?
Naix:Yep, definitely is.
Nesdu: No, I mean, which one of those two is it?
Naix: I don't really know. On hand, he's not useful enough to recruit, dangerous enough to shoot, but he knows too much to be with the general populace.
Nalva:Ummm...care to fill be in on what you guys mean?
Naix: We;;, we're pretty much the MIB here, simply put.
Nalva: I didn't know anything about any aliens!
Naix: I said "simply put". We're in charge of dealing with all supernatural threats and citizens. Of which you made yourself when you decided to try to start summoning demons.
Nalva: Wait, what?
Naix:How do you think that love spell worked? It summons a foocubus, with dire consequences.
Nalva I had no clue! Here, take the damn thing if its that dangerous.
Nesdu: You know, I think the cooperation should turn this into a recruit'em.
Naix:Agreed.
Nalva:I shudder to ask, but what happens if I say no?
Naix:Depends. If you only refuse, we'd knock you out, take you into custody, and likely at least inform you the dangers before releasing you, though likely with constant surveillance in case you tried something later.
Nesdu:And if you actually fought back, we'd be arguing over who gets your heart and liver, and who has to settle for kidneys and intestines.

ZeroGear

2014-09-27, 05:55 AM

Rufus: "If I find out that certain people are lying then I WILL have them incarcerated. AND KILLED... if I'm feeling nice."
Rufus: *Gulps down his martini, but chokes on the olive*
Galin: "Great. Done in by an olive."
Rufus: *Still choking*
Seela: "Galin, I think he's turning bluer then you."
Dackert: *Slaps Rufus hard on the back. The olive fall out*
Guards: *Show up with weapons*
Rufus: "For saving my life I'll let yours be... for now."
Dackert: "That's awfully nice of you."
Rufus: "I know." (Waves them away)

Didn't this exact scene happen in The Fifth Element?

DigoDragon

2014-09-27, 10:48 AM

Now you're doing it on purpose.

The Firefly references are strong with this post.

We were a group of sci-fi geeks who made a rag-tag bunch of PCs on a freighter. Like I said earlier, how could we not quote one of our mutually favorite shows when the opportunity presented itself? :smallbiggrin: Taking a peek at the last batch, there aren't too many references in it though.

Didn't this exact scene happen in The Fifth Element?

You get a cookie for noticing that reference! :D

Barbarian: MOOSE PROSTITUTES!
Wizard: NO!
Rogue: REGULAR PROSTITUTES!
Wizard: PROBABLY!

I laughed so hard on this one.

TheJudicator

2014-09-27, 11:10 AM

Didn't this exact scene happen in The Fifth Element?

Ding! And not the only line I've seen...

GM: "Dackert, a group of thugs stop you. The leader shouts 'Freeze, ferret face!'"
Dackert: (Fast draws gun and blows the leader's head away) "Anyone else feeling rich?"
Other Thugs: "..."
Alexis: "Where did he learn to negotiate like that?"
Galin: "I wonder."
http://i1282.photobucket.com/albums/a536/Sgtboomcloud/IUnderstoodThatReference_zps9160bcea.jpg (http://s1282.photobucket.com/user/Sgtboomcloud/media/IUnderstoodThatReference_zps9160bcea.jpg.html)

Personally, I unfortunately have no quotes worth mentioning at this time. Boss session tomorrow though, so here's hoping!

SarcasticDom

2014-09-27, 01:09 PM

GM (Me): The Skin has been flayed…

Player: It's Khorne

GM: And the things done to his manhood

Same Player: It's Slaanesh.

Sith_Happens

2014-09-28, 03:33 AM

Player: "You know, it would actually make sense for there to be a word for 'six seconds' in-universe given that all spell durations are multiples of it."
DM: "I agree. It's now called a 'twix.'"
Player: "Okay..."

DigoDragon

2014-09-28, 09:32 AM

DM: "I agree. It's now called a 'twix.'"

Ten twix to the minute? So do mages make slang from that? :smallbiggrin:
"Hang on, I'll be there in half a twix."

Dackert: "Nice to see my eraser won't do anything unless it crinkles my paper."
Sherry: "I had one of those. I built a paper accordion."

Seela: "What was a Klingon doing working with that bunch anyway?"
Alexis: "Well honor doesn't pay the bills."
Dackert: "And he could grasp big words... like 'there'... and 'door'. I don't think he's a normal Klingon."

Galin: *Opens Zelda's quarters, but Zelda is missing*
Assassin: "She ain't here. Where is she?"
Galin: "I don't know, maybe she went outside for a walk or something."
Assassin: "Funny. Do you like guns?"
Galin: "Uh... not particularly."
Assassin: "See this gun I'm holding to your head? It's a nice gun. It's like a work of art. The weight, the polish, look how it's shaped just right for my grip. It's like art-- this gun is my brush, you're my paint, and the back wall here is the canvas. Now I don't care to kill you in my search for Zelda, but also I don't care if I kill you in my search for Zelda."
Galin: "Right... let's... let's try the common room."

Morinta: "I'll run to distract it, you shoot. It'll be like Robotron!"

Seela: "Okay, powering the ship on. Which system should I start up first?"
Heather: "I dunno, maybe the one labeled LIFE SUPPORT?"

DM: "The lights come back on-"
Heather: "-And Lee's half opened the scotch."
Lee: "What? I'm thirsty."

Seela: "Is that computer removable?"
DM: "No, it's sewn to her shoulder. You'd need a doctor or a sadist to remove it."
Heather: "We have both!" :D
Dackert: "Um, let's go with the doc first."

DM: "Alexis rolls first aid skill."
Alexis: "Dackert regains 5 hit points."
Sherry: "Woo, the doc is on fire!"
Galin: "We put him out."
Alexis: "Ahhh!"
Dackert: "Winger!"
Winger: "Aww, but Sherry said he was on fire and I had matches..."

Seela: "Why not, you only live once."
Heather: "Yes, but I'd like my once to keep going a while longer."

Galin: "Space can't have cellulite!"

Galin: "I guess I should quote all the generals of great history by saying 'Oh sh**'."
Seela: "Huh. Well we better close that hole in space somehow."
Galin: "No shi**."
Heather: "Another quote from the great generals?"

Morinta: "So now what?"
Winger: "We dock."
Dackert: "Dock? And then what?"
Winger: "We... look around."
Seela: "You're not a tactical guy, are you?"
Winger: "No, never."

Dackert: "We're approaching the Ortega sector."
Seela: "There's an Ariel battle fleet right in front of us."
Galin: "And the squids are right behind us."
Dackert: "Winger, think you can get us past this mess at impulse?"
Winger: "Yes. I'm sure I can. I think I can. I think it's possible... maybe..."

Winger: "I'm taking the Ward-9 across that battleship's hull past it's bridge. The missles will miss us."
Dackert: "Uh, you're within INCHES of that thing!"
Heather: "I flash the bridge crew of that battle ship as we pass by."

DM: "You're given a list of stations to send it too. Which do you choose?"
Galin: "I hit Ctrl+A."
DM: "... huh, good move."

Rater202

2014-09-28, 09:50 AM

Gear:Hail! Skeletons, beasts of bone. Thou shalt allow us entry or thou shalt face destruction by the sacred power of love, so sayeth I, Brother Diamond, tender to the Crystal Heart!
ooh, this is fun! if we weren't in horrible danger, this would be a cool game

Adepha:hehehehe...okay Gear, what was that?!

Sabina:I think that's pretty cool if you ask me, I should come up with a more fearsome name too!

Gear: *Blushes before explaining*Our PCs are playing an RPG in the RPG, with cursed dice so our characters are also their characters, and they're actually in the game.

TheZereth

2014-09-28, 02:00 PM

Rogue: "Captain, I think stuff doesn't like me; especially books, glasses and forks."

Rogue: "I swear it's the cat."

Sith_Happens

2014-09-28, 05:11 PM

Player 1: "I started my kinky campaign [as DM] yesterday. The party spent most of the time screwing around."
Player 2: "Literally or figuratively?"
Player 1: "Mostly figuratively. The gnome PC was arrested for drunkenness after being roofied."
Player 3: "...And then got raped in prison."
Player 1: "Actually no. An ogre did try to dry hump him but rolled a critical failure and got his **** stuck in the bars. The gnome then started punching him there so he was stuck for hours on account of the swelling."
Player 3: "That sounds like my Dark Heresy campaign, but with less sex."

Player 1: "The walls will **** you up."
Player 2: "The walls will **** you?"
Player 3: "-Up."
Player 1: "Yes, they will **** you up, not in any other direction."
Player 3: "Walls can only do it standing."

"Is this D&D or Irritate [Particular Player]?"
"Yes."

"If I was molested as a child that would actually explain a lot."

"So you get democratic when you're drunk."
"Who knew?"

Diachronos

2014-09-29, 11:30 AM

I actually created a "Campaign Quotes" notepad document on my desktop to keep track of things for this thread. Such as:

"Pay up now, or we'll add more fingers!"

Necroticplague

2014-09-29, 12:00 PM

LETTER:I'm sorry, but your requisition request has been denied. While we are aware of exactly how much you can store, the requisition committee is wary of any plan that involves lugging around 3 tons of explosives and 20,000 bullets.
Naix:Well, that's vaguely disappointing. And here I was worrying we might need more bullets than planned.

DM:Man, you guys make it hard to write good villians.
P1:Why's that?
DM:You guys are so freaking Evil its hard to actually think of someone so horrible that you want to kill them outside of the fact its your job to do so!
P3:Really?
DM:Yes! What other party has you wonder "Is it the serial rapist or the cannibal who is the least evil member of this team?"!
P1:Oh man, you must have not been there when we played Exalted. Or Paranoia.
P2:Ah yes, good times.
DM:.....I'm not sure if I even want to know.

Rater202

2014-09-30, 10:51 PM

Me: Oh god we're gonna get TPK'd by a mattress.

dramatic flare

2014-10-01, 01:47 AM

PC1: [to Centaur Amazon leader woman. Mare. Whatever] I'm glad this has been a productive conversation. When our country's borders further expand we would hope for a friendly relationship. We're from Egalia, where everyone has their own position to perform.
PCs 2-5: PHRASING!

Sartharina

2014-10-01, 09:29 AM

Player 1: "I started my kinky campaign [as DM] yesterday. The party spent most of the time screwing around."

I want in on your games.

ZeroGear

2014-10-01, 12:32 PM

"Woah, that man is very tall, and arm-ular."

"I feel like this is one of those moments where we smash cut to dodging rocks while invisible."

"FIRE THE MEAT MISSILE!"

(Enemy mage wild magics into self crystallization and 2 soldiers critically fail gun attacks, backfiring)
[PC1]: "If you guys want to surrender I would understand."

[PC3]: "Do bleed effects work against oozes?"
[PC2]: "Yeah, it makes them ooze."

"You try the door, I'm tired of opening doors and being eaten."

"Never! My pride is overwhelming!"

[PC1]: "Don't kick over the table!"
[PC3]: "Why not?"
[PC1]: "It could explode!"
[PC3]: "So?"
[PC2]: "With us in the room!"

"Call me necro-feel-good"

"Can I get a +1 returning rock?"

[DM]: "I don't understand marking a target."
[PC3]: "What like, I walk up to him and pee on him? He'd understand he's a dog."

"One of these days I'm going to have an enchanted cow where the milk is a healing potion."

"I name him d**k-pants and ready an action to attack him when he becomes visible"

"Oh, I charge, I charge at the door! Ha ha ha!"

"I hope the dwarves escape by beating people to death with explosive salami."

[PC2]: "What happened?"
[PC3]: "You became as big as me but much weaker."
[PC2]: "I was the biggest D**k in the world!"

GrayGriffin

2014-10-01, 12:47 PM

"I think the lizard people got him."
"Damn, he had the map."

"I poke the corpse with a stick."
"So do I."

"You fall into the pit again. You are now covered in mud, which is making it even harder to climb up the rope."

Lord Torath

2014-10-01, 01:33 PM

DigoDragon

2014-10-01, 03:47 PM

Me: Oh god we're gonna get TPK'd by a mattress.

It was scary to find out how many party members are in fact, cuddlers. :smallbiggrin:

I can't remember if I posted this one before...

Stealth: "I can make use of this mascot head."
Lupina: "A man's head died in that."
Stealth: "I can rinse it out."
Lupina: "Ewww..."

Rater202

2014-10-01, 04:45 PM

Is that sort of like World of World of Warcraft (http://www.theonion.com/video/warcraft-sequel-lets-gamers-play-a-character-playi,14240/)?

Like, my PC was physically sucked into the game, so like, he had his abilities, but he also had his PC's abilities.

In fact, since he knew about the curse going in, he specifically picked the one that most complemented his own powers(His Race projhects there emotions about them-he can weare his emotional aura as armor, as well as use it to protect themselves. He chose to play a cleric, who have a similar ability, thuose essentially doubling his protective power, making anything onther than a boss or a mattress a non-threat.

Rater202

2014-10-01, 09:26 PM

Bridge Guard: Stop. Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.
Gear: Seriously Tenn!? Marety Python and the Harmonious Grail?!* By the Heart, that play is older than I am!**

Later

Gear: Do tell, Ms. Spirit, did thou know that the terminal air velocity of an unladen European swallow is exactly 20 miles per hour?
Same game from before

*It's an MLP game, so I ponified the Title. Tenn being the GM of the Game within the game

**Gear is technically over a thousand years old.

Taet

2014-10-02, 12:54 AM

Monk: We punch the hobgoblin a couple of times.
Wizard's intimidate roll is low. :smallsigh:
DM hobgoblin: I laugh at you. We fear no death and no pain.
Monk: Not working. Hey (goblin speech) get the wizard to turn him into a female halfling.
Wizard kicks hobgoblin in the balls. :smalleek:
Wizard's intimidate roll is much better.
DM hobgoblin: (squeaky) That hurt much worse than I thought.

DM: Haha! What? Why is this even in here?!
Group: Why is what in there :smalleek:
DM: Reflex saves you, you, and you.
Pass, pass, fail. :smallsigh:
DM: You see the desk and the ranger fall down when the floor falls away under them.
Group: What? We are in a classroom! Was that where the BAD students have to sit? Did that teacher have tenure? She snapped after having to teach Common Core? :smallconfused:

DM: The pit is still filling up. It is not water.
Cleric: VODKA TRAP! :smallbiggrin:

Sith_Happens

2014-10-02, 02:19 AM

I want in on your games.

You just now noticed that at least half the quotes my group produces are lewd?:smalltongue:

DigoDragon

2014-10-02, 07:27 AM

You just now noticed that at least half the quotes my group produces are lewd?:smalltongue:

I thought you were just copying quotes from my group. :smallbiggrin:

Druid: "If you're rich, you must also be arrogant."
Knight: "Some of us can be arrogent based on skill."
Rogue: "Hey, look at me. I'm poor and I'm a ****."

Rogue: "The bag won't close."
Archer: "It helps to be smarter then the bag."

Rogue: "The church is strewn with corpses. It's like Spain all over again."

Knight: "How would you describe him?"
Sorcerer: "Scary beyond all reason?"
Knight: "Yeah, that'll do it."

Necroticplague

2014-10-02, 08:47 AM

GM:Remind me, how in heck are you applying Malfean Excellencies to Medicine rolls?
Player3: I'm Exerting my Authority over his right to live. Just as the Demon King has the strength to end a life, so too does he have the right to say who stays and who fades away. I'm merely mimicking that by forcefully deciding "F*** your wounds, I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DIE ON ME NOW!"
Player2: Infernal Excellencies: awarding semantic and logical contortions since the reclamation.

Squark

2014-10-02, 08:51 AM

DM: Make a pants roll
---------------
Me: Why would I be jealous? Telling the laws of physics to shut up and sit down is my day job.

Also featured in the campaign; Riding Lizards that cross national boundaries to find the party, an animal-obsessed druid who carries her badger animal companion around and shoves it snarling at people (who's also a kleptomaniac and incredibly mercenary), rumors of kitten ninjas, and a former bookstore owner who knows almost nothing but evocation spells. Oh, and the rogue, but she doesn't say much

Really starting to feel like the straight man, here.

geonova

2014-10-02, 04:46 PM

Just found this (outofcontextdnd.tumblr.com/)

Dasgovernator

2014-10-02, 07:40 PM

Wait, which of us aren't wanted criminals?
(No one raises their hands)
Alright then, lets go!

Run Michael Bay, run! Before the wights get you!

Necroticplague

2014-10-02, 08:33 PM

Player1:O.k., plan A: I walk up the the gates of heaven and see if I can intimidate my way in.
DICE:*botch Prescence roll*
Guards: Well, unfortunately, you can't do any of that if we don't let you in, now, can you?
Player1:O.k., plan B:lets see if I can't rip the gates of heaven off their hinges.
DICE:*30 successes*
Namarcy:IF ANYONE ASKS, I WAS INVITED!

Ionbound

2014-10-02, 09:38 PM

"'I don't want to destroy creation' and denouncing the deathlords is not an approved sentiment"

Esprit15

2014-10-02, 09:39 PM

HvZ
Zombie: "I want to tell them what happened but I don't want to tell them I was stalking two girls in the woods."

Human: "Did Ch'thulu just carry off our medic?"

ZeroGear

2014-10-03, 03:59 AM

Knight: "How would you describe him?"
Sorcerer: "Scary beyond all reason?"
Knight: "Yeah, that'll do it."

A) Is this a new game?
B) Are these the same guys as the last three games?
C) How many people do you now that have seen "The Emperor's New Groove"? (because you've got a lot of quotes form that one)

Rater202

2014-10-03, 08:29 AM

Druid: "If you're rich, you must also be arrogant."
Knight: "Some of us can be arrogent based on skill."

Gear takes offence to that implication:smalltongue:

DigoDragon

2014-10-03, 08:45 AM

A) Is this a new game?
B) Are these the same guys as the last three games?
C) How many people do you now that have seen "The Emperor's New Groove"? (because you've got a lot of quotes form that one)[/QUOTE]

A) It's actually something I found from the very first D&D 3.5 game I ran. Back when that edition came out. :smallbiggrin:
B) Some of them are, aye.
C) Considering most of the players I've been with are like-minded in the movies we watch, I'd say all of them?

Gear takes offence to that implication:smalltongue:

Tee hee. :D

KnotKnormal

2014-10-03, 10:37 AM

I've had to cancel the last 3 sessions so no new material from me, but here is some stuff i posted in the older threads.

King: What happened in here?!?
P1: We sat down with the BBEG and had a nice chat. she vowed to change her ways and calmly flew out the window, and then P3: just went ape sh** and destroyed the whole place.
DM:... Roll bluff
P1: NAT 20!!! WOOO!!!
DM: .... they believe you...

Guard: Are you stealing that?
P1: Yes I am.
Guard: Well give it back.
P1: No.
Guard: well then, your under arrest
P1: No, I don't think I am.
Guard: get back here
P1: No, thank you
Guard: GUARD!!! oh wait...

P1: Don't touch anything
P2: but it's all so shiny
P1: *slaps P2: NO! BAD!

Torturer: I want to play a game -
P1: the antidote is right behind you on the table, it's the green bottle clearly labeled "Not the Antidote"
Torturer: ... Well Played.

P1: Where'd you come from?
P2: My mom, and the authorities are still trying to figure that out.

P1: the space Russian has not had a good day
P2: *in Russian accent* my testicles have been shot, bitten, crushed, clawed, used as a handhold for a falling comrade, stretched, kicked, punched, scoured, burnt, and tazed.
P1: and that was just the last 24 hours

DM: is there a spot on you that isn't a bandage?
P2: bottom of the left foot

P3: yay more combat
P1: alright everyone in, how long till P2 gets nut shot again.
P2: 2nd round is where the smart money is.

P2: holy crap!!! combat's over!
DM: so?
P2: I haven't been hit in the balls

Diachronos

2014-10-03, 11:38 AM

How did I forget about this one?

"Sunder. Sunder! SUNDERFOX, HO!"

Necroticplague

2014-10-03, 11:42 AM

Nyan: I use Devouring Revelation of the Wyld to help the actual fighters out in this brawl.
ST:And what are you dramatically unveiling as part of that?
Nyan: My breasts, of course.
Namarcy: Hey look, a distraction!

Diachronos

2014-10-03, 04:57 PM

This wasn't actually during a campqign, but I think it would still fit this thread.

Me: "Am I still going to have a level of Vampire Spawn, or is my race going to change?"
DM: "When the wave of Pathfinder updates hits the world you'll be a Dhampir."
Me: "Okay. ....S***, I just realized something."
DM: "What?"
Me: " My character's going to end up poisoning herself."

GPuzzle

2014-10-03, 05:37 PM

"Okay, so I take 30 fire and cold damage... and I'm dead."
"YOU'RE THE GM, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PC."

GAAD

2014-10-03, 11:43 PM

Bystander: Wait, you guys have been fighting this one level one monster for for two hours in a featureless room? How is that even possible?
Fighter: You know what, man? I AM tired of this. I'll break out my daily power: Brute Strike! That's the one that deals triple damage, right?
Me (DM): Sure is. Roll to hit AC.
Fighter: ...
Me: You appear to have rolled a natural one. Roll to confirm critical miss?
Fighter: [rolls]
Me: And that would be a nat three, total of eight... you drop your axe and end your turn, segueing into the warlord's turn.
Warlord: Okay, [rolls] I got a five for saving throw, I presume I spend my turn paralyzed and taking another five points of damage?
Me: Right you are!
Bystander: Never mind, I think I get it now.
Other DM in the same room: Hey, can I see the stats on that thing?
Me: Sure.
ODMITSR: ... You're evil.
Me: Did I mention this is their first time ever playing D&D?
ODMITSR: Good luck keeping this group.

-from 7 hours ago
EDIT for the timestamp.

More quotes from these players' FIRST SESSION
(And yes, this is 4e)

[Campaign intro in its entirety]
Me: Is anybody not here yet? Cool. Everybody make a Reflex save.
Fighter: I thought Reflex was static in 4e
Me: Acrobatics check then.

[Campaign outro in its entirety]
Wizard: No good can ever come of the DM playing one of the party members, whether or not one of the party has to leave early. I vouch we kill the ranger next session.
Me: What?!? But that'll bring you to three people. Think about this -
Warlord: See you next week guys!
Fighter: Bye! I'll go look up how much XP a first level ranger is!
Me: What.

Togath

2014-10-04, 12:28 AM

[the shop clerk in a young{you think} goblin women{you think} in a sweater-vest and plaid skirt{unless it's actually a kilt}]

KnotKnormal

2014-10-04, 08:00 AM

P1: wait a minute, has does that say acrobatics?
P2: have we been calling it aerobics this entire time?

P1: this plan went so sideways, it turned pie, left, green.

Npc: and what would you like for dinner sir.
P1: not really sure... Suprise me.
P2: why on God's earth would tell a dm controlled character to suprise you?

P1: HERE'S YOUR F***ING SACROFICE!!!
*uses war hammer to gold swing sacrificisial dagger across the room and into part member's head*
P1:... Um... Oops

Enemy commander: give me freedom or give me death!
*gets shot by P4 with explosive arrow in the head*

P3: so um... That was a thing...

Dm: a pack of wolf's spring from the bushes, surounding the party.
P1: where our animal talky guy. *pushes P4 toward wolf.*
P4: what's up dog... You come here often?
*entire table face palms*
Wolf: actually you seem to have wandered into our hunting grounds.
P4: holy s*** it talks!

DigoDragon

2014-10-04, 04:58 PM

Ace: "I think there's a fortune teller around somewhere. Want to get your future read?"
Key: "I already know. Punching and taxes."
Ace: "But wouldn't you like a change in the routine once in a while? To do something different? Unique? Out of character?"
Key: "I do things when you're not around. Lots of ponies do things in the dark."
Ace: "In the dark, really? I would have thought it be hard to see. Well, I guess you could feel around with your wings so you're not bumping into stuff."
Key: "Dear diary. Changelings do not understand metaphors."

Erik Vale

2014-10-05, 09:23 AM

While in a church, having a secret meeting with an official.

"I have a date with a priest, then an occasionally empty tome, then we have a date with a young boy."

Madfellow

2014-10-05, 11:45 AM

NPC: "I can't just give you this shield. However, if you had something of equal value you could trade...?"
Players 1, 2, and 3 all look over at Player 4 (me).
Player 4 looks up from his character sheet.
Player 4: "What?"

the OOD

2014-10-05, 12:30 PM

Solus: I call Thomas on the radio *rolls*
GM: it works
John: I call Thomas on the radio *rolls*
GM: it works
Keldrum: I call him on the radio *rolls*
GM: it works
Thomas: STOP DOS-ING ME YOU BASTARDS!:smallfurious:

Solus: yay! bonuses to charisma!
John: shut up, sexy.

Solus: is there any skill that can undo the char loss
Thomas: save my sexy!

Thomas: what is the cause of the death?
GM: roll medical
*nat 20*
GM: he appears to have suffered form an acute case of having his face bashed in with a chair
Solus: acute? how the hell is that "acute"?

John: we need you to roll architecture and engineering
Solus: I don't have ranks in architecture and enginer...
Thomas: YOU ARE A FAILURE AS A SKILLMONKEY, NOW GET OUT!

Eric: mine is bigger, and it lasts longer
Keldrum: yes, but I have better technique
Eric: but yours is tiny!
Keldrum: it's 5ft by 5ft.
John: :smalleek:

John: I toss my bag of missiles into the tank
party: NO!

Solus, Thomas, and Eric get a vague sense of unease from the north
Thomas: triangulate!

NPC: what... what are you doing?
Thomas: I'm trying to decide if I should blow you to hell
NPC: please don't :smalleek:
Thomas: ok

Thomas: I open fire the moment I see movement.
*nat 1*
Thomas: that was a warning shot, now stand down! (fires again)
*misses*
Thomas: stand down immediately, this is your last warning!

Sith_Happens

2014-10-05, 06:47 PM

Player 1: "No, we should let this happen so if things go horribly wrong we can blame the Cleric and crucify him."
Player 2: "...What?"
Player 1: "Yeah, I have no idea what I was just saying."

"This has gone beyond a threesome, into an OT3."

"We need to make out with the fourth wall."
"...What the actual ****."

"She tailed them, and then got some tail."

DM: "[PC 1], you detect someone approaching your room. You are currently in a compromising position of whatever nature you care to describe."
Player 2: "Let's just say that should the position in question be witnessed, the rest of the party will have every reason to thoroughly wash our shapesand."

Player 1: "I think I broke [Player 2]."
Player 3: "How?"
Player 1: "By having Skill Focus: Craft (disturbing mental image)."

"[Servant NPC] is now [BBEG]'s stepfather."

DigoDragon

2014-10-05, 07:52 PM

Adepha: *Gasp* "Sabina are-are we invisible?!"
Sabina: "No, just merely background ponies."

Rater202

2014-10-05, 08:11 PM

Adepha: *Gasp* "Sabina are-are we invisible?!"
Sabina: "No, just merely background ponies."

Sabina:Well, you know what time it is.
Gear:...clobbering time?
Adepha:I think clobbering time has to wait a few more minutes.

GPuzzle

2014-10-05, 08:14 PM

PC1: "I do a Perception check."
*rolls a natural 20*
DM: "So what do you want to know? Treasure, hidden passages, the location of the enemies...?"
PC1: "I just wanna know where the books are."

RPGaddict28

2014-10-05, 08:41 PM

"Yeah, I got too turnt, and woke up in the manticore nest."

Madfellow

2014-10-05, 10:09 PM

PC 1: I go down for coffee.
PC 2: I go to keep an eye on [PC 1].
PC 1: What, cuz I can't go five feet without starting a fight?
DM: No, that's an attack of opportunity.
PC 1: I couldn't help it; they provoked me!

DM: Okay, you guys have a nice breakfast.
PC 2: Let's go check on [NPC].
PC 1: What, cuz he can't go five feet without getting in a fight?

Rater202

2014-10-05, 10:13 PM

Me:...Did we just scare the s*** out of a mindless undead creature?

ZeroGear

2014-10-05, 10:28 PM

[PC1]: "Of course they tend to be scheming..."
[DM]: "The mounts?"

"We walk up as a group [to a rakshasa] and say 'what seems to be the problem here sir?'"

(To a PC on fire, and staggered from cold) "You are suffering from frost-burn."

"Oh is he lying? Should I lie on him?"

[PC3]: "Does he wear fine clothes?"
[PC1]: "We're not undressing the cat person."
[DM]: "That would be a heavily chaotic act."
[PC2]: "It'd be a heavily sexy act."

"Children of fire, Freeze!"

[PC1]: "Probably just a hag hanging out."
[PC3]: "Hagging out."

[PC2]: "What's her wisdom?"
[PC1]: "10."
[PC2]: "What's her charisma?"
[PC1]: "11."
[PC3]: "She's way hotter then me."
(talking about a giant boar.)

"Alright, everyone, board the snake express!"

[PC3]: "Throw a bunch of twine down."
[PC4]: "Wait, what?"
[PC2]: "No!"

[PC5]: "Aren't we in some kind of rush?"
[PC1]: "Oh god yes!"
[PC3]: "I stop doing that, we leave."

"I kill the door, so it can never harm us again, while it's in it's vulnerable state."

[PC3]: "I hate this sooo much. Doors killed my parents."
[PC1]: "You don't even know your parents!"

"I will not support plan tornado."

[PC1]: "I wish we could beat him into friendship."
[PC2]: "I can do something similar!" (Party Necromancer)

KnotKnormal

2014-10-06, 08:23 AM

Saturday's Rifts game
P1: I have just been referred to as meat. If that is not a sexual thing, I am not ok with it. Kill it with fire.

P2: I say we name the Kenyan version of Anthony, James.

NPC: If you don't use your ass, why do you have one?
P2: It's an entrance, not an exit.

P2: Don't touch his "No Nos"
P3: Or if you touch his "No Nos," make sure he likes it.
P2: good addendum.

DigoDragon

2014-10-06, 09:47 AM

GM: "Hurry up Captain Nemo. There's a Buick in the parking lot starting up."

Silver: "I'm going to bend you in ways that'll make Gumby scream!"

Kobold: "And then they threw a table at us, and it HURT!"

Archmage Delgato: "Tatum, fetch me my blue spell book. I must look dashing when I unleash my RAGE!"

Kard: "Wouldn't it be great if we all got Black Jack?"
Vincent: "Kinda hard to do with five players and one deck."
Stragus: (Patting Kard on the back) "We all can't be winners."

Diachronos

2014-10-06, 10:46 AM

P1: "Oh, 'Impersonating an officer'? Who's going to arrest us?"
DM: "Oh, I don't know, the 20 or so other guards that you guys didn't kill?"
P1: (to P2) "...Do we still have that guard registry?"

DM: "Just so you know, if you go out of town you're going to have to deal with bugbears."
P1: "So? More bugbears means more arms!"

DM: "Take your 5 points."
P1: "I thought it was 10?"
DM: "No, it's always been 5."
P1: "Then where did '10 points to Gryffindor' come from?!"

"Broke out of prison. Killed some guards. Had a threesome-"
"Twice!"
"Then left town."

DigoDragon

2014-10-06, 08:10 PM

Sorceress: "Now to do my impression of Berlin, 1989."

A Tad Insane

2014-10-06, 09:06 PM

Can I take ten on a rod of wonder roll?

Dasgovernator

2014-10-06, 11:40 PM

PC4: "I throw the burning pew at them"

PC2: "Why is the only door into the mess hall coming from the kitchen? Why is there no second door here? It makes no sense! I am utterly insulted by the poor building design"
PC3: "Stop rolling Knowledge: Architecture and Engineering and get back to killing people"

DM: "You killed their pets. That's so sad"
PC1: "We're ******* evil! THAT's WHAT WE DO"

DM: "All 5 of the priests cast Command: Drop on you"
PC1: *Makes all of the will saves with a low modifier ". . . . no"

PC2: "Why are all the fat guys wielding Katanas?"
PC1: "Because they're all Sumo . . .Ninja . . Samurai?"
PC2: "That's racist"
PC1: "EVIL"

PC2: "Are the people just disappearing out of thin air?"
PC1: "It must be one of those discreet Fireballs that poofs people out of existence if they fail their saves"

GAAD

2014-10-07, 12:14 AM

The Warlord player reminded me about a quote I missed from the session:

Me: Okay, so... that's a one for the wizard, a one for the warlord, a one for the ranger, a one for the fighter, and a 20 for the scorpion.
Warlord: Okay. Next session, we're using dice.

Rhunder

2014-10-07, 12:46 AM

Dimers

2014-10-07, 07:23 AM

DM: And you're different. You're inherently a magical creature, created by God --
P2: So I get extra heaven?

DM: We're trained not to hate anyone.
P2: Well, we only hate mimes. They're not people.

DM: He was a Brother, now he's a Father. Because you murdered his boss.
P2: Moving up in the ranks.
P1: Hey, next you should murder the bishop!

DM: No, see, it's like Toadstool is the princess of Iowa. America is interested, and Iowa is also interested.
P1: And Luigi Mario is the king of Iowa. Got it.

DM: His butler, too, is named Jeeves, because all butlers are Jeeves. But not all Jeeves are penguins.

KnotKnormal

2014-10-07, 08:13 AM

This was just last night, and those are actually the character's names.

Cleric: *casts magic circle against evil* "everyone in the circle"
Fighter: why their just zombies?
Bard: Holy crap I actually have an idea! *begins to play lute*
Sorc: I think i know what your thinking *Begins singing*
Fighter: *plays drums with full plate*
Zombie Horde: *begins surrounding the party in a dense collection*
Bard: drop the Bass!!!
Cleric: *casts turn undead*
DM: WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB. *clears battle mat*

Squark

2014-10-07, 08:50 AM

KnotKnormal

2014-10-07, 09:04 AM

Huh. I was sure the bard was going to start doing Thriller.

they sung that immediately after. My face became very familiar with my palm through out the session... great time though.

DigoDragon

2014-10-07, 06:44 PM

"I'm a Reuben on Rye and I'm delicious!!"

gmoyes

2014-10-07, 07:33 PM

PC1: Heh, I'm pretty sure we can take that necromancer.
Friendly Dragon: I doubt it. He's a lich.
PC1: Wow, that's pretty strong.
PC2: Yeah.
PC1: Does that mean that all of his children are sons of liches?
GM:...everyone make will saves for the bad pun. Also I'll have that count for your running tally of enchantments.

Alex12

2014-10-07, 10:29 PM

"Hang on, couldn't we just buy a mastodon and have it do the job for us?"

"The goblins see you (the pegasus) coming, and all start running away, because goblins are scared of horses."

"My name is Shimmerwing Burst, I am a Prince of the Equestrian Alliance, and I wish to request an invitation to the party that is being held in one week."

"Can we sell the gargoyle resurrection-eyes as combat training tools?"

"Sealed, burned down, it's basically the same thing."

Rater202

2014-10-07, 10:34 PM

Me:Gear begins jumping up and down like an exited fanfilly whose OTP just got confirmed canon

Humble Master:Also, beating the boss via marriage? That's a new one...
DigoDragon:Isn't it though? I thought it was creative.

Same game as bvefore, where the PCs are trapped in a fantasy RPG. One PC was forced to play the Prince who was, in the RPGs story, kidnapped by an evil baroness who planned to forcibly marry him to gain legal control of a conqured teritory

An other PC, Adepha, was playing a royal guard from the kindom the Prince PC( Named Spark, and a Prince "IRL") comes from, and Adepha and Spark like, "like" like each other (PCs are about 11 years old)

My PC, Gear, was playing a Cleric, and is a Shipper on deck for the above two.

Guess what happened.

bulbaquil

2014-10-08, 05:24 AM

P3: "We kind of got stuck in the brushlands that our druid spawned."
P1: "So we're looking for a shrubbery?"

P5: "Can I make a 10th-level spell called 'Win'?"
GM: "That spell already exists. It's called Wish."

P6: "Butter knife."
P2: "BUTTERKNIFE."
P6: "Butter knife."
P2: "BUTTERKNIFE."
P6: *pointing at P1* "HIS butter knife."
P2: "BUTTERKNIFE!"

P3: "So we're considering Order of the Stick as canon D&D rules, are we?"

P1: "So wait, if [P6] damages it, does it drop me?"
GM: "No."
P1: "Good."

DigoDragon

2014-10-08, 08:08 AM

Silver: "The country of Reis is run by chancellors right?"
DM: "Yes, it's a republic. They can be voted out."
Olivia: "So can a king."
DM: "That's called a revolution."
Silver: "But think of the voter turnout!"

DM: "You encounter a large pudding monster."
Vincent: "I sheath my sword and draw my spoon!"

DM: "She fires and hits you for 3 points of damage."
Todd: "Damn, that's 150 feet away!"
Tatum: "She probably has a scope."
Silver: "History's first longbow sniper?"

Silver: "After using her altar as a soccer ball, you think Lolth is angry?"

Dasgovernator

2014-10-08, 10:00 PM

PC2: "It's a well-known fact that dead bodies work like banana peels."

PC2: "Do I get a bonus on my Hideous Laughter save for being racist against humans?"

PC3: "So I figured out the necromancer isn't a 0th level caster?"

PC3: "If I cast enlarge person on myself, do I become a Full-ling?

PC1: "He's singing harmony with his own mirror images"
PC2: "Sadly the baritone just got stabbed in the face. They're no longer a barbershop quartet"

PC2: "I can't charge anymore. The floor's too slippery with the blood of my enemies"

PC2: "It feels so weird to actually be at max HP. It's unsettling . . . it makes me feel like we've been slacking off"

PC2: "Why wouldn't I have a +1 couch in my house?"

IAmTehDave

2014-10-09, 12:28 PM

(From an Old-Old Republic era Star Wars campaign)

Captured Jedi, to one of the capturing Sith: Go stomp around the halls for a while. *Rolls ridiculously high on Manipulate*
Sith: *Stomps around the halls for a while*
Jedi: I'm surprised that worked. *continues flirting with the Twi'lek Sith*

Pilot: So to avoid that hazard I rolled a 16...
GM: You hit the..
Pilot: No, I mean the die...so that's a...32 (Hooray for force points. I think this was level 6)
GM: Ah, Yeah, that's fine.

GM: On the bridge is your character's brother.
Not the same Jedi that was flirting with the Twi'lek Sith all campaign: I force-push him off the bridge
GM: ....He doesn't resist. He laughs at you as he falls into the abyss.

GM: So let's recap what happened last session:
Players: We scanned the planet for a landing spot. (No, I'm not joking. 4 hour session. That's the only IC action that was taken)
GM: So...you found a landing spot near this temple...

GM: Welcome to Mos Eisley.
Pilot: *Disconnects 3 wires that control the startup sequence for the ship, somewhere in the mass of exposed wiring and circuitry on the bridge.* There. [If anyone tries stealing the ship, ]They'll never figure it out. (The name of the ship was the Rusty Bucket. Think a third-generation-owned Millenium Falcon with issues. The astromech computer was an R2 unit welded to the floor in the cockpit, for example)

Turncoat PC: I force-pull the Wookie's weapon towards me. *rolls*
Wookie PC: I go with it, and use the momentum to bowl over [Turncoat PC]. *rolls*
GM: Yeah I'll allow this. Make an attack roll, [Wookie's PC].

Pilot, going through the Equipment Guide: So, I can use the rules here to make a weapon right?
GM: Absolutely.
(Later)
Pilot: *rolls a 16 on the die to attack* Crit threat.
GM: *pause* What the hell kind of weapon do you have?

(Whenever thematically appropriate)
Player: I have a bad feeling about this
GM: +50 XP
(When not)
GM: -50 XP

Party Motto: "Always explore every cave. All women are Sith.*"

*-in this campaign...it wasn't entirely the DM's fault, either! Both of the one player's female characters turned out to be evil force users :smallfrown:

Man, there were a lot more but this was years ago and I don't remember it all.

GAAD

2014-10-09, 05:11 PM

Livequoting!!!

Cook: Well, Inspector? How were your 22 mugs?
Warlord: Hold on, Inspector?
Me: Your Bluff check earlier.
Warlord: Oh. Uh… cr*p. Should I roll History for beer?
Librarian: Excuse me?!?
Warlord: Sorry… “School appropriate beverages.”

Warlord: I make a Diplomacy check to convince the mob to liberate the school’s beverages.
[rolls a nat 20]
Me: Now, these guys are drunk…
Toady [Important NPC]: You heard him! Burn down the school!
Mob: Burn the school! Burn the school!
Warlord: Eh, that works too.
Me: Wow. You guys are writing this FOR me.

Fighter: While the warlord is off inspiring mobs, imma go hunting for the escaped fire beetles.
Me: The ones you’re convinced exist due to your nat one insight roll against Toady’s conspiracy?
Fighter: Yeah, those.

Scribbon: Gentlemen! Please, I implore you, listen to me. This “Toady” fellow hath deceived thee –
Fighter: Make Toady say: “Ai’m onta ya!”
Me: Okay, canon. Toady is officially a SCOTTISH dragon.

Warlord: The Headmaster General is holding the beer hostage! Have at thee lads!
Beer: Save us! Save us!

Warlord: Okay, while the revolt goes on, I sneak back to the bar to grab more School Appropriate Beverages. Because this encounter I created needs more drinks.

Warlord: Why…can’t…I…have…more…than…20…coins…in my pocket?
Wizard: Noble last words indeed. Now get up already.

Warlord: I got a 16!
Me: Why are you rolling?
Warlord: …no reason.

Fighter: So the school WASN’T burned down?
Me: The primary proponent of burning it down was a white dragon. I’m impressed you guys even got the torches lit.

Me: Why are you trying to ruin the ranger's life?
Warlord: He dumped water on me! He DESERVES to be framed for treason!

FINAL SENTENCE OF SESSION 2

Warlord: [nat 20 bluff] Your majesty, I am convinced... the king of [the neighboring country] IS A WEREWOLF andalsoyoushouldlynchtheranger.

Telwar

2014-10-09, 09:44 PM

Surly Cloud City maintenance worker: "So, what do I get from helping you?"
My bounty hunter: "Two working kneecaps." (places slugthrower on the left maintenance guy's knee)
Maintenance Guy: "Very good argument."

Neli42

2014-10-11, 12:09 AM

GM: There is no organized tournament of crap-beating.

Monk: A monk can make an unarmed strike with his hands full. My hands will be full of ears.

Barbarian: I like pretending to guard fake nobles!

janusmaxwell

2014-10-11, 12:35 AM

Barundar: This is an untenable tactical decision! We are outnumbered 3-to-1, we are surrounded, and I don't have my mule!

In context: how many DM's do you people know who would have 8 Ghouls spontaneously appear around a 4 man party of level 3 adventurers, appropo of ****ing nothing?

DigoDragon

2014-10-11, 10:10 AM

Misty: "I had forgotten how good a bath is."
Vincent: "Wow, she just left a ring of hobbit on the tub."

DM: "You all got heavy horses."
Misty: "I thought I had a pony?"
Vincent: "It's a heavy pony. A little round fat thing."

Vincent: "What happened to honor, Bromyr?"
Bromyr: "Other... pants..."

Erth16

2014-10-11, 04:16 PM

Valentine: NOEL PULL THE TRIGGER!
Noel pulls the trigger and kills him.
Noel: OH GOD I KILLED HIM.

Charlemagne: Noel, get ready to push all the buttons.
Noel: OK
(A few minutes later)
Noel: I'm pushing the buttons.
(Ships guns fire, bounce off enemy ship harmlessly)

Punkez: Ok, Tager come with me to greet the other ship's captain.
Charlemagne: Noel come with me to shoot the other ship's captain.

Alright so the weird tumors in his left tricep and his right calve squirm around and move into his left calve. He axe kicks Usagi in the face.

*Gwendolyn punches Noel in the face.*
*Valentine pushes Noel down and stomps on her back*
Noel:(Completely sincere) I love you two.

Ship captain: You there, Rogue trader, I have come to get revenge, you murdered my men.
Charlemagne: Wait, are you talking to me?
Ship Captain: Of course, who else would I be talking to, you look like the Rogue Trader.
Charlemagne: Well I'm just the head of security.
Punkez: I'm the Rogue trader.
Tager: In name only, we listen to Charlemagne instead.

Usagi: Noel pull the trigger!
Noel shoots the dying FBI agent in the head.
Noel: I wanna go home.

Guard: Halt, show us your id.
Usagi (A teenage girl): Here you go.
Guard: Wow James, you really changed since you took your id picture...last week.
Usagi: The Bureau changes people.

Noel: We should meet up tomorrow at Starbucks.
Usagi: K.
Gwendolyn: KK.
Valentine: KKK.

Usagi: So what's your name?
Rocky IV: Rocky IV.
Noel: Like the movie.
Rocky IV: Yes.

Ok so Cody has been stabbed through the chest by Gwen three times, flipped onto Bruce three times, and is still able to roll off of the rocket propelled floor tile, grab Bruce's body, and use it as a shield against shrapnel. Why was he Bruce's lackey.

Valentine: I look in the fridge.
Director: There is no fridge.
Valentine: I go to level 1 and check the fridge there.
Director: You move up to level 1 and open the fridge. The guards sound the alarm, since really, dumb move bro.
Valentine: I go to level 6.
Director: You aren't followed but you find yourself unable to leave.
Valentine: I check the fridge.
Director: Bro, you're in a forest now.
Valentine: ****.

Braininthejar2

2014-10-11, 04:55 PM

- I'm not 'supernatural'. All the powers I have, I have been born with. It's you guys who are wimps.

LokiRagnarok

2014-10-12, 02:48 AM

Valentine: I look in the fridge.
Director: There is no fridge.
Valentine: I go to level 1 and check the fridge there.
Director: You move up to level 1 and open the fridge. The guards sound the alarm, since really, dumb move bro.
Valentine: I go to level 6.
Director: You aren't followed but you find yourself unable to leave.
Valentine: I check the fridge.
Director: Bro, you're in a forest now.
Valentine: ****.

I need to hear the context on that :D

Erth16

2014-10-12, 01:09 PM

I need to hear the context on that :D

Ok, so we were playing Magical Burst with the JAGS Wonderland setting. The magical girls had the ability to freely move between the chessboards, and while infiltrating a military base, Valentine, Usagi, and Rocky IV were looking for Rocky's stolen weapon, and checked the break room on chessboard 3. The fridge was empty, so they went up to 1 to check there. The guards saw them and attacked. Valentine fled to chessboard 6 and ended up in a Caretakers game, and the chessboards below 3 stop looking anything like the reality. 5 and 6 specifically are the Tulgey woods.

DigoDragon

2014-10-12, 02:01 PM

Twilight: "Spike, the word supernatural refers to things like ghosts and spirits and zombies, which are as make-believe as curses."
Brass: "I rest my case."
GM: ".....then explain to me the existence of the curse that made the Crystal Empire vanish for a thousand years!"
Reuben: "King Sombra was really David Copperfield in disguise?"

the OOD

2014-10-12, 02:15 PM

Eric: It's not stated as a vehicle, it's stated as a house.

Thomas: I find the phrase "jurry rig nuclear fission reactors" both horrifying and arousing

GM: your last name is Church, *why* are you the one who is tempted by the Faustian pact?

Solus: I reverse engineer dead people.

John: basically, you just sold your possession of your soul after death to two different demons, but you worded it so failing claim your soul immediately would break the contract, thus freeing you.
John: ...
John: you bastard. :smallbiggrin:
Thomas: :smallcool:

Thomas: ok, I retrospect, I should have anticipated this going wrong *much* earlier.

and an older old one.
Solus: so if someone breaks...
GM: dies.
Solus: ...then I can use emergency repair with my medical skill to let them continue functioning for 1d6 rounds.
GM: *silence*
Solus: plus jurry rig to extent the duration enough to finish combat amd make heal checks.:smallbiggrin:
GM: :smalleek:
Thomas: ok, you're taking craft(people) next level, understand?

Arcane_Snowman

2014-10-12, 02:32 PM

"I've only ever applied the correct amount of boom"

"Removing a persons arms is not an unnatural change, they're still a person, they just have fewer limbs"

Erth16

2014-10-12, 08:39 PM

From our Rogue Trader session last night

Tager's Player: Ok so I'm gonna go to the other ship and interrogate their astropath.
Arakune's Player: Aren't you mute.
Tager's Player: I haven't won our staring contest yet.

*Tager walks into the room, places map on table, stares at astropath.*
*Time passes*
Astropath: Alright I'll tell you what I know about the map.

Arakune: Hey, I was just holding the map upside down the whole time, we don't need the astropath after all!
Charlemagne: Noel open the airlock in the holding cell.

GM: Ok, so you guys were supposed to save the astropath from before from these Orks, but you launched her out of the air-lock.
Charlemagne: Can we kill them anyways?

GM: You come across an old looking building.
Charlemagne: Tager! Crash through that wall.
Tager's Player: Oh Yeah!

Punkez: We have to fight our father's ghostship!
Charlemagne: One, That wasn't the ghost of our father, it was a daemon. Two, we are looking for our great grandfather's ship, not our father's. We are in our father's ship.

All the players: Do we encounter anything while we are in the warp?
GM: No, you're only going to be in there for 20 minutes!
Arakune: So?
GM: If I roll a 72 on a d100 then you guys encounter something.
GM: I rolled a 27.

GM: While wandering around you guys are jumped by five guys.
Noel's Player: Burgers and fries?

(As a side note, the Noel in Rogue Trader is played by Valentine, the Noel is Magical Burst is played by Charlemagne)

GPuzzle

2014-10-12, 08:41 PM

"You have found the Armor of Nat1s. While under its effect, all attacks that target you from the heroes become natural 1s unless you are hit by a furry or hypnotised. Even if the Nat1 would still hit."

Rater202

2014-10-12, 10:59 PM

Gear:*Examines device*
Spark&Adepha:*Count to 3 then press buttons*
Gear:You couldn't wait three seconds for me to take a look before you go pressing buttons!
Spark&Adepha:*Toothy grins*
Spark:We did technically wait 3 seconds.
*Device works*
Spark:See Gear no harm done
Sabina:*Shakes head*

Erth16

2014-10-12, 11:18 PM

I can't believe I forgot to do the ones from the first session.

Instructor: Alright, introduce yourselves.
Usagi: I'm Usagi, And I don't have Schizophrenia.
Valentine: Valentine Schraeder.
The one who died a hour later: Liixi.............Aslan.
Gwen: I am the white void. I am the cold steel. I am the Just Sword. With blade in hand shall I reap the sins of this world and cleanse it in the fires of destruction. I am Hakugwen, the end has come!
Noel: And I'm Noel Kissinger.

Liixi: Alright, I blow up the cat.
Director: The cat gave you those powers and thus is able to steal them back. You are blown up.
Liixi/Rocky's player: Aww.

James: Hey, you there, group of girls in stupid costumes, would you like to join the FBI?
Valentine: The FBI is that desperate?
Gwen: Why should we?
James: Because I'll arrest you if you don't.
Usagi: Hey Hakugwen, let's take his stuff.

Gwen: I walk west.
Director: You eventually come up to a dilapidated old wall.
Gwen: I stare at the wall.
Director: A few hours later the wall yields under your steely gaze and crumbles.

DigoDragon

2014-10-13, 08:50 AM

DM: "The party arrives at the Correllon cathedral with the princess."
Olivia: "Correllon!"
Mira: "Correllon!"
Vincent: "Correllon!"
Kard: "It's only an elf deity."
Olivia: "Shh!"

Olivia: "Cardinal, the queen needs you to hide the princess here for a few days."
Cardinal: "As much as I loath the princess, I'll do it. But only because her mom signs my paycheck."

Cardinal: "Did you have problems bringing the princess here?"
Mira: "Uh, no." (Looks to the party for words)
Cardinal: "You had problems, didn't you?"
Olivia: "Nothing rolling a d20 couldn't fix."

Cardinal: "I really do not care for adventurers."
Olivia: "That's fair, because we hate you too."
Mira: "But now we have a reason! Thanks!"
Cardinal: "Damn. I knew there was another angle to this."

Assassin: *Sneaks up on Vincent and attempts to backstab - Rolls a 1*
Vincent: (Turning around) "Hi, you forgot to account for wind."

DM: "Olivia, you and the Cardinal turn the corner and see Vincent pounding an assassin's face into the altar of Correllon."
Olivia: "Vincent, what are you doing?!"
Vincent: "Having a religious debate with a drow!"

Dragon: "Roflmao? Is that even Elvish?"

DM: "You arrive at the Big, Dark Woods of Lots of Scary Monsters."
Silver: "So we're just outside of South Dakota?"

Vincent: "I dual-wield my legs and double-kick the tar out of the orc!"

Sith_Happens

2014-10-13, 01:31 PM

Assassin: *Sneaks up on Vincent and attempts to backstab - Rolls a 1*
Vincent: (Turning around) "Hi, you forgot to account for wind."

Best explanation for a natural one ever.

Dasgovernator

2014-10-13, 04:47 PM

NPC: "What are you in for?"
PC1: "Serial Regicide"

PC2: "Cheating is what losers call having a better strategy"

PC1: "You just got beat by a bandaid, mother******"

PC1: "I always aim high . . . unless I'm trying to hit a gnome."

PC4: "I'd just like to inform everybody that we have a newly open position in the not-going-to-die department. Do we have any takers?"

PC1: "If we have to fight the continent itself, I'm going to be pissed. I am not specked out for that"

DM: "You all should fight more trees"

ZeroGear

2014-10-13, 10:26 PM

[PC2]: "If he failed I was going to use a poltergeist."
[PC3]: "OH I get it, because it's on a pole!"

[DM]: "You guys get a key."
[PC4]: "I put it in my key items area."
[DM]: "You cannot bind it to select!"

[PC4]: "I am freezing the goblins. They are goblin-sickles!"

[PC3]: "I totally do that from now, I want to be alchemist donkey kong!"

[PC3]: "He's just going to smash and grab and then we'll get out."
[PC1]: "It's slash and grab, thank you!"

"If I did go elementalist I would pick ice so that I could resist your ba**s."

[PC5]: "How are you going to resurrect us if you suffocate with us?"
[PC2]: "I CAN HOLD MY BREATH FOREVER!"

"Oh, I get it, those vampires went for us because we're so pretty!"

DigoDragon

2014-10-15, 07:46 AM

DM: "You stop, park the horses, and set up the club on the steering wheel."

Vincent: "Hey, I found a tree made of meat!"

Carrie: "Don't play stupid with me!"
Vincent: "I don't have to play stupid, I am stupid!"

Misty: "The other option is we fight whatever's in the drink."
Vincent: "A kraken."
Mira: "But if we can beat it, the meal is free!"

Misty: "Even if the PCs aren't in the hospital, chances are they put someone in it."

DM: "It's like a post office, but a more medieval term for it."
Olivia: "Ye old post office?"

Kard: "Drow smell like bacon!"

BaronDoctor

2014-10-15, 03:48 PM

DigoDragon

2014-10-15, 06:12 PM

Dragon: "Guys, the volcano is blocked by cheese."

ellindsey

2014-10-15, 08:08 PM

"The door being too small for him is really the door's problem, not his."

"Have you seen his lock picking technique? It's great, he picks the lock off the door and tosses it over his shoulder."

Dasgovernator

2014-10-15, 09:16 PM

PC1: "But his wolf's name is Terror! He HAS to be friendly"

PC5: "I'm skilled in all the . . .natural arts"
PC3: "Is this your version of a pickup line? Because if so it sucks"

(Half Orc) PC5: "My name is Greensage"
DM: "Not to be confused with Bluesage"
PC5: " . . . That's my brother"

PC2: "Did you 'accidentally' earthquake the town?"

PC1: "Professional wrestling with dwarves. I figured that would be a thing somewhere".

PC1: "We did kind of majestically crash into the dock. That does tend to single us out"

PC4: "If he goes crazy and kills everyone, I want you to apologize to me before I die"

PC3: "Okay, [PC6] is going to hire a group of thugs to attack the ship"
PC5: "That is the stupidest plan ever"

PC1: "This seems less like a trust exercise and more like murder"
PC3: "Its not murder if they're attacking your ship"
PC1: "It is if you paid them to do it"

KnotKnormal

2014-10-16, 08:25 AM

DM: You see something shiny, it has...
P1: I pick it up and hold it tight to me. "It's mine!!! all mine!!! don't look at it, it's mine."

P2: "Um guys? I would like to go on record here and say the button said world peace..."
P1: "What did you doooooh my god!"

P1: "P4, how many missiles was that?"
P4: "A lot"
P1: "How big were they?"
P4: "Boom"
P1: "Where are they heading?"
P4: "Gonna go with yes"

P3: "I think i might have some bad news."
P1: "Oh god, now what."
P3: "Most of the warheads stored in the silos are dummies, i think only 2 of them are live."
P1: I calmly put out my "Doom's Day" cigar get up, walk over to P3, and give her a giant kiss. Big sloppy wet one.
P3: "Sir I think this is hardly the time for this."

P4: "Out of curiosity, where are the 2 live warheads aimed?"
P3: "One to D.C. the other to Moscow."
P1: "Hehe... Oops"

P3: "why is P2 chained to a chair?"
P4: "Jack*** pushed a button to launch all the missiles in the silos."
P3: "Oh, that explains a lot"

P2: "Can i be unchained now?"
Entire Party: "NO!"

Madfellow

2014-10-16, 05:23 PM

Villain: Good and evil are just words, labels created by the gods for actions they condone or condemn. There is only one good: subjugation. And only one evil: rebellion.
PC 1: Like S&M.
PC 2: No not like S&M, dear.

PC: I want to fry [Villain]. Please can I fry [Villain]?
DM: Would you like to cast a spell? Or are you using a cooking implement?

Villain: I am your prisoner. Do what you will; I know my place.
PC 1: Well, that's a first.
PC 2: How high is the plateau?
DM: 150 feet or so.
PC 1: No.
PC 3: No.
PC 2: No what?

DM: Emergency Dwarf. Break glass in case of pitchforks.

DM: I love how the dwarf is the only one not drinking.

the OOD

2014-10-16, 05:35 PM

GM: your last name is Church, *why* are you the one who is tempted by the Faustian pact?

John: basically, you just sold your possession of your soul after death to two different demons, but you worded it so failing claim your soul immediately would break the contract, thus freeing you.
John: ...
John: you bastard. :smallbiggrin:
Thomas: :smallcool:

Thomas: ok, I retrospect, I should have anticipated this going wrong *much* earlier.

Thomas(ooc): seriously? I was killed by ambiguous usage of the word "claim"?
GM: yup.
Thomas: :smallmad:

Neli42

2014-10-17, 03:38 AM

[PC1, Bard]: [Warmage Cohort]? Cast Shatter on the mayor's pants so I can get the city council to stare at his ass, where the cultist tattoo should be.
[PC2]: Will that work?
[PC1]: When was the last time you ever saw a magical pair of pants?

We actually had an NPC called "Shatterpants the Bibulator" mucking about the edges of one of our campaigns for a while.

Marlowe

2014-10-17, 03:57 AM

"Why is everyone on this continent so bloody THICK? It's like everyone is Jimmy "Thicky" McThick of Thicksville, Thickton county, Thicksylvania, People's Republic of Whale Omelette."

DigoDragon

2014-10-17, 08:31 AM

Kard: "I just want to hug you around the neck till you stop wiggling."

Silver: "I turn around with this big Lucy smile and ask, Okay Charlie Brown, now what?"

Kard: "I crit-failed eating a leg of chicken!"
Vincent: "What did you do, choke?"
Kard: "I poked my eye out!"

Silver: "He's got an astral rash being in that bag of holding too long."

GAAD

2014-10-17, 04:23 PM

Livequoting Session 3 now.

Opening line:
Warlord: I got a sixteen for "convince the DM to do what I want."

Warlord: Okay, we came up with a way to lure the escaped fire beetles.
Fighter: BURN THE FOREST!
Wow. You guys are REALLY into burning things.
Warlord: Nah, we're not going to do it OURSELVES; that'd be EVIL.

Me: There are limits to bluff checks. For example, you cannot convince a member of the nobility that he is at war with someone else with no evidence.
Fighter: All right, lets start forging stuff.

Me: Congratulations. You have successfully un-split the party. By accident.

Fighter: Demons?
Me: Nah, just regular brimstone. If it was demons there would be avocados as well.

Me: All right, [fighter], you just heard an explosion from the kitchen and your friend is yelling "assassins". What do you do?
Fighter: [plays Tetris on his Gameboy]
Me: Right, [fighter] stands dumbfounded for the round.

Me: That was awesome. 5 roleplaying XP for imitating Bruce Willis.

ellindsey

2014-10-17, 07:11 PM

Gnomish Cleric/Druid to the PC joining the party: What's your horse's name?

Newly joining Barbarian/Ranger: He doesn't have a name.

Gnomish Cleric/Druid, using Speak with Animals, to the horse: Hey! What's your name?

Horse: I ain't seen nothin'. I been here the whole time, minding my business. I don't want to get involved.

DM: Congratulations, your horse's name is now Aintseennothing.

Neli42

2014-10-18, 01:23 AM

[P1 - Human] I hear that if you hit a dwarf with wet wood it dries.
[P2 - Dwarf] At least that's what you think before you go unconscious.
[P1 - Human] Well, when I woke up it was dry.

[P3] Man! this is one vicious beehive!

[P4] I'm so glad this dungeon came with a waiting room.

2E Phoinex

2014-10-18, 02:31 AM

Rogue: We could bring it a dead body to eat.
Druid: But we burned all of them. Remember?
Rogue: We can make more bodies.

Rater202

2014-10-18, 04:45 PM

Me:Gear gives a grin that would seem a bit perverted if he were a few years older. The sort of Grin that a fanfilly might give, when after her OTP was confirmed cannon, every time the dd something romantic.

DigoDragon

2014-10-19, 09:47 AM

Kard: "Okay, I can't carry the 1 if there is no 1 to carry."

DM: "Glad you didn't spill Mountain Dew on my dungeon."
Kard: "We're walking along... why is the dungeon so sticky?"

DM: "The prince said he would only wed a woman who doesn't love him for just his money."
Kard: "So the prince will die alone?"

Kard: "I'm going to roll for no reason." (Rolls a 1) "Whatever I did, I just failed."

Kard: "I need to feel loved."
Vincent: "But Kard, you have 2 hands!"

Kard: (To Magic 8-Ball) "Are you smarter then us?"
8-Ball: "Without a boubt."

Misty: "I'll clean the cart and pimp it out with racing stripes and spinners."
DM: "Rocks fall, everyone rides?"

kopout

2014-10-19, 01:20 PM

"Granny Krupke must be stopped!"

The Great Wyrm

2014-10-19, 01:41 PM

"I grab her topless chest."

DM: You rip the top off of the drow priestess's chest. Inside are a book, a map, and various loose papers.

Dasgovernator

2014-10-19, 02:51 PM

DM: "But when you first met him, he was throwing you death threats"
PC2: "Well yeah, who doesn't. I mean, have you met our party?"

PC2: "I'm doing some dramatic poses to inspire you!"
PC1: "So what, you're doing the Ginyu Force routine?"

PC1: "Ah yes, gravity. The fighter's mortal enemy"

DM: "He crit threats . . .and then crit confirms . .for 2 points of nonlethal damage"
PC1: "The toothpick menace strikes again!"

PC3: "Hey,have you ever fought a planet? They're not very easy opponents"

DigoDragon

2014-10-19, 07:00 PM

"I grab her topless chest."
DM: You rip the top off of the drow priestess's chest. Inside are a book, a map, and various loose papers.

...the context has not changed the mental imagery. :smallbiggrin:

the OOD

2014-10-19, 07:07 PM

R.O.V.E.R.: please tell me that you have at least one pair of pants between the two of you
Eric & Keldrim: *look at each other sheepishly*

Keldrim: can't sleep, John will kill me... can't sleep, John will kill me...

DM: NO! you can't jurry-rig MREs into dried fruit!

R.O.V.E.R: Solus? please don't blow up the world. :smalleek:

R.O.V.E.R: a gun man doesn't get discharged from the KGB when he fails, a KGB gun gets discharged into the man.

Priest: we are gathered here today to honor the passing of... *checks notes* ...Thomas Church. Thomas was a kind man, and it is good to see so meny of his friends... *looks up* ...that he had a small group of loyal friends. It is truly a tragedy tha- Holy Sh** he's sitting up!

GM: so the party is standing around idly while dead Thomas is stabbing Solus to death with a plastic knife.

GM: is it just me, of is it wired that be best armed person at the funeral was the dead guy?:smallconfused:

GM: so how, exactly, do you "have this covered"?
John & R.O.V.E.R.: *look at each other, then grin*
R.O.V.E.R.: a belt-fed rocket launcher with a 2-pound charge of enhanced plastic explosives in every rocket, forty rockets per turn, every tenth rocket contains a 2-pound flashbang as a "tracer round". oh, and modular technology so it can be mounted to my chassis while still allowing for human operation by, for example, John.
Keldrim: :smalleek:
Solus: :smalleek:
Eric: :smalleek:
John::biggrin:
GM: :smalleek:
John: *shoots down spaceship*

=================================

Neil(on phone): large pizza, gluten-free, with anchovies.
Trent: and a two-liter!
Neil(on phone): and a two-liter.
Pizza guy(on phone): cola or vodka?
Neil: vodka.

Neil: I'm disappointed, I ordered a pizza and all I got was this SMG

Trent(writing a yelp review): pizza was cold when delivered, poor service, forgot my two-litter. also, armed assassin. 1 and a half stars.

Russian hotel owner: *holding shotgun* what did you do to my hotel? huh? I'll shoot you! what did you do to my hotel?
Trent: I don't speak russian! do.. you.. want.. pizza? *offers pizza*
Hotel owner: What are you doing? If you move, I'll shoot! *point shotgun at Trent*
Trent: *puts hands up* please... don't... shoot... me...:smalleek:
Neil: *steps out of ruined hotel room* Time for some Neil Caffrey Diplomacytm!
Trent: shoot me.

Sith_Happens

2014-10-19, 07:21 PM

"I'M IN STEREO."

"OoooOOOoooOOOoo, I am the ghost of Skype versions past... You have connected to the deepest bowels of the Skype servers... The ones they don't have in the first place... YOU HAVE UNLEASHED THE HORRORS!"

"I'm fine with my tiny [rooster]."

DM: "The [large crowd of] enemies run at you."
Player: "Is it up or downhill?"
DM: "Up. Can they still run?"
Player: "With a DC 10 balance check."
DM: *rolls a bunch of times*
Player: "If they fail by four or less they're fine, they just can't run."
DM: "All but two of them start falling over each other."

"Where are my dice!?"
"Right there."
*looks down* "I am literally stupid."

*rolls first two attacks*
"Double crit!"
"Well there goes the worm."

DM: "Oh yeah, the minotaurs have to jump across the [50 foot deep] pit."
Player: "No they don't, [party's Shield Guardian] acts a bridge."
DM: "He's not tall enough."
Player: "He is if he stretches out his arms."
*beat*
DM: "Okay. He is now a Transformer that can turn into a suspension bridge."

"More 'level' puns! They're like 'Who's on First' but nerdier."

HelplessPeasant

2014-10-20, 10:29 AM

"So. You went on a rampage through a dungeon chock-full of ogres, beholders, high-level mages, mind flayers, and gorgons, and the only damage you took was from THE FRONT DOOR?!"

IAmTehDave

2014-10-20, 10:59 AM

PC1: So the sewer-honey sold for how much?
GM: *Price*
PC2: And the forest-honey was less?
GM: Yep.
PC2: It was the added flavor.
PC3: So what you're saying is we shouldn't have killed them, and took up giant-bee-keping in the sewers.

Other campaign:
GM: You guys walk into the clock tower.
PC1: I kick one of the floorboards just so, then reach down into the hidden space and grab two beers, tossing one to the dwarf.
PC2: How did you know that was there?
PC1: Bard. In a univeristy town. Yeah I started some parties here.

ZeroGear

2014-10-20, 11:52 PM

[DM]: "You awaken to a rumbling sound."
[PC3]: "I'm SO HUNGRY."

[PC3]: "I use the warp sphere to gain a second head."
[PC1]: "WARP SPHERE?"

[PC3]: "I count his legs!"
[DM]: "8."
[PC3]: "Yes, I was right!!!"

[PC3]: "Can I wield [PC1] as a shield? What would he give me, like 100 ac?"
[DM]: "No he'd just replace your AC with his own."
[PC1]: "I TOTALLY DO THAT."
[PC3]: "The best part is my arm would step up and strike."

[PC1]: "Thanks [PC3], I was going to thank you for attacking that thing to death, but now I'm being sarcastic."

[PC2]: "I consume his body to gain his knowledge."
[DM]: "THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS!"

[PC2]: "Full round action to climb out of the tyranasaurus' mouth."

[PC2]: "Yes, we all agree, [PC2] is the most delicious. 9/10 monsters agree."

[PC2]: "Do we need to make a will save to not join his side for his dance?"

[PC3]: "There are Wh*rers, and now there is a h**ker here."

[PC2]: "Unfortunately he can't penetrate the necro-d*ck."

[PC2]: "Sometimes the best laid plans become skeletal dinosaurs."

[DM]: "You used the skeletal T-Rex to b*ne the g*mp."

[PC3]: 'He tried to ROCK my world, but he didn't ROLL well enough."

Rater202

2014-10-21, 12:05 AM

NPC:I don't mean to sound like a jerk either, but I really don't know if I want to hang out with you. I mean, you! You just threatened to blast somepony with a cannon! Who does that?!
My PC:Does it help that the cannon only shoots confetti?

Dimers

2014-10-21, 12:16 AM

Roman character: If you want to do that you're just nuts. N, V, T, S, nuts!

DM: Rachel, what are you doing? -- oh, I thought you were looking at my Roomba.

P3: Are we still in our town?
P1: Yes. Why are you asking, because we can freely violate people here?
P3: Well, partly, but also because I know not everyone here had mustaches before.

P2: Hey, can you cut me a slice of chocolate milk?
DM: The chocolate milk is liquid this week.

DM: So in terms of color, what happened with Grendel looked black and red and purple, and what's happening with Herr Klaus von Steiner is more iridescent and pink and sparkly.
P1: It's PONY magic!
P4: He ain't heavy ...
P4 and P2 together: HE'S MY BRONY!

DM: You stop at a cottage somewhere around the border between France and --
P4: Hell.

NPC: I increase the net happiness in the world. Isn't that what everybody wants?
P1: So you work with netting?
NPC: No --
P1: So you work without a net.
NPC: N... Yes.
P2: No, Annette works in the back.

ShadowFighter15

2014-10-21, 05:04 AM

Neil: *steps out of ruined hotel room* Time for some Neil Caffrey Diplomacytm!
Trent: shoot me.

Having been on a bit of a White Collar (tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Series/WhiteCollar) binge lately, I have to ask; do I want to know?

Prince Raven

2014-10-21, 06:29 AM

Having been on a bit of a White Collar (tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Series/WhiteCollar) binge lately, I have to ask; do I want to know?

I just assumed it meant seducing someone.

DigoDragon

2014-10-21, 08:06 AM

DM: "How do you know this mansion has a basement?"
Silver: "It's a four-story haunted mansion on a hill and you don't think it has a basement? I can see the Remax sign outside: 'Four floors, no basement'. Riiight."

Mira: "Why do we have to chase people who don't want to be found?"
Vincent: "If they don't want to be found, we sorta have to chase them."

Terry: "Is Misty not dying?"
Mia: "Unfortunately so."
Terry: "Wait, since when is Misty not dying a bad thing?"

DM: "You can't pick up another. Think of it like 1 towel per customer."
Silver: "They're alignment towels. You have to be Lawful Evil to wipe!"

Mira: "Where do you think Tiamat lives?"
Silver & Vincent: "Yonkers."

Misty: "I need explosives. This wall beat me up!"
Silver: "Face it, you fought the wall and the wall won."

Misty: "Drow are like sodas."
DM: "You have Drow, Diet Drow, and D2 - the low carb Drow."
Misty: "Low carb Drow is just an elf."

GrayGriffin

2014-10-21, 10:08 AM

[PC3]: "Can I wield [PC1] as a shield? What would he give me, like 100 ac?"
[DM]: "No he'd just replace your AC with his own."
[PC1]: "I TOTALLY DO THAT."
[PC3]: "The best part is my arm would step up and strike."

Love how PC 1 is just as up for this as PC 3.

the OOD

2014-10-21, 12:33 PM

Having been on a bit of a White Collar (tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Series/WhiteCollar) binge lately, I have to ask; do I want to know?

I just assumed it meant seducing someone.

one of my PCs decided to make a con man(named after Neil Caffrey from white collar), and ended up with *absurd* proficiency in every related skill... then acts like this...

from my X-files/delta green game
featuring Neil Caffrey: con man extraordinaire!

*Neil Caffrey and Trent walk in on the mob's smuggling operation*
Neil Caffrey: hello, we're private investigators...
Trent::smalleek:
*gunfire*

Police Sargent: thank you for coming down to the station, are you familiar with federal agent Warren?
Neil Caffrey: we shot him three times, stabbed him in the neck with a switchblade, tried to tazer him, blew him up, and left him in a burning building, we can only hope he is dead.
Party: :smallsigh:*facepalm*
Police Sargent: Security!
basically, his attempts at being the party face tend to get the party shot at. (I think Trent has been shot twice due to Neil, but Neil has never suffered personally.)

DM: Rachel, what are you doing? -- oh, I thought you were looking at my Roomba.
How do you even focus on the game with a roomba in the room IRL?:smallconfused:
I have run *one* game with my group so far that has not involved roombas. featured roombas include the team's pet roomba with a strong AI(witch they turned into a new BBEG), the engineering professor with an often-abused roomba augmentation license, the PC playing a weaponized roomba(complete with 3 weapons that were *barely* man-portable) who had the 3rd(eventually 1st) largest bounty in the galaxy(complete with bounty poster featuring a roomba)...
the list goes on.