Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[Dewani90]

Pocky the barbarian: yeah, i murderized the entire room
Mira the priestess: how low was his INT score again?
Cocoapuffs the rogue: well, you can count with one hand and you would still have fingers left.
DM: Pocky, having low int doesn't let you act like a moron
Pocky: how about no int?, can i still take points from it and put them on my "kill things with blunt objects" score?

DM: lemme tell you an hypothetical scenario... if you had no int you would be more like a flesh golem, just answering to orders like "go smash", "open door" and "go to sleep you dimwit"
Pocky: but i can act like a moron then right?

Mira: you still need at least 1 int to talk
Pocky: can i?
DM: just do it already, you slowing down the entire campaign.
Pocky: 1 INT barbarian coming up.

(after session is over)
DM: i need a drink... don't give me that look, i'm still 100% alcohol free... even if today i wish i wasn't.

[A Tad Insane]

Pc1: I question how well a plan will go if you have to tell pc2 and not me
Pc3: The only certain plan is one not involving either of you two

Pc3: I'm a flying lying lizard with bladder issues!

Dm: And you lose
Pc2: I punch him in the face

Dm: You literally slap the s*** out of him
Pc3: Is there anything presdigitioasfjskxncks can't do?

[Sith_Happens]

A little NSFW:

(upon realizing a locked box was supposed to be played as a musical instrument to open it)

DM: You just need to know what end to blow into.
Me: That's what she said.

Pssh, I've posted far worse.

[KillianHawkeye]

PC1 (an alechemist): And then I'll sneak into the bathroom to make an extract of disguise self.

Is this a hilarious typo, or do they actually make magical potions using alcoholic beverages? :smallamused:

[Dasgovernator]

PC3: "We'll trap the oozes with stone shape, and then open their "cages" whenever someone comes by"
DM: "That's so sad"
PC3: "They're oozes, they're mindless. They literally have an INT score of 0"
PC1: "What do we care? We're EVIL! I thought we covered this already!"

DM: "The general consensus of the village is . . that you are SUPER Goddamn Scary"

PC2: "So a Chaotic Evil Lizardman is holding a trust-building exercise with his new followers?"
PC4: "I need these people to trust me"
PC1: " . . . Then kill one. Then the rest of them won't HAVE to trust you."

PC3: "Keep our possible human sacrifice/human shield alive until I want him to die"

PC1: "I just Buffed, Double Buffed, and then hid in a corner. The life of a caster Oracle"

PC3: "So Ireland is the Abyss?"
PC2: "Does that makes England Hell?"
PC1: "England is Hell for unrelated reasons"

PC1: "So it's a scavenger hunt, but the prize is a world-eating plague"

DM: "Darkness explodes from the eye socket"
PC1: "The darkness explodes? Damn, that's metal"

NPC1: "So what does the murdering thing look like?"
NPC2: "The Wraith?"
NPC: "No the other murdering thing"

DM: "You see a stack of skulls neatly stacked in a corner"
PC3: "I tell everyone not to touch them. As a Predator, I know not to touch another predator's skull pile. Respect"

PC1: "I get that you're new to this whole 'cult leader' thing, but killing the previous leader and then his second-in-command while she was pledging loyalty to you, doesn't exactly endear people to the idea of your rule"

[bulbaquil]

P5: "It's everything you love and hate about Cheliax condensed into one city, with all the halfling slavery and devil worship you could possibly want."

P1 (seriously): "I attack the darkness."
P2: "S***! He attacked the darkness!"

P1: "Okay, so I threw something into the darkness, and it threw it back at me."
P5: "You should really get on your bike now."

P2: (to P1) "YOU'RE A MORON!"
P1: (to NPC) "He says you're a moron."
P2: (to P1) "NO, YOU'RE THE MORON!!!"

GM: "No, but everyone's in like, twelve pieces."
P3: "Oh, this is just like 4chan!"

P2: "So wait, this is an Aztech bar. An Aztech cleaner came in to clean the bar. Let's just get out of here!"
P5: "We are all morons."
P2: "We're overthinking this."

P4: "I was eating my donut in the shower. So sue me."

P5: "See, I can't spend anything because nobody will want to talk to me."
P3: "Maybe if you bribed them, they'd buy from you."
P5: "But I can't get them to talk to me because no one will talk to me."
P3: "Maybe if you bribed them, they'd talk to you."
P5: "...Eh, I'm fine. I don't want to talk to anyone."

P6: "Are they good cookies, like chocolate, or are they s*** cookies, like raisin?"
P4: "It's the Secret Masamune Special."

GM: "It says 'Smith.'"
P5: "That's not Johnson!"

P5: "So you're looking for an actual seaworthy battleship with a railgun attached to it."
P6: "As a figure."
P5: "You said you wanted an actual-sized one."

P3: "I was into it before, during, after, way after, and when it began to be cool again."

P4: "You threw her so hard she broke character."

P5: "Don't talk about turtles in a Shadowrun game."

GM: "[P6] is important to this mission."
P1, P2, P3, P4, P5: *look hesitantly at GM*

P3: "Would Hardware work for this?"
GM: "No, you'd need the actual knowledge skill."
P3: "Matrix Security?"
GM: "No."
P3: "Knowledge (Tabletop RPGs)? I mean, it could have come up in a Shadowrun game I ran once."

P2: "We ran into an Aztech cleaner--"
P6: "Wait, what?"
P5: "You said the A-word!"
P2: "What, Aztec?"
P5: "..."
P3: "STOP SAYING THE 'A'-WORD!"

P3: "I personally prefer Bear Guy."
P6: "Bear Guy? Bear Guy's not even a gundam, he's just a guy in a metal suit."
P3: "Yes, but you can turn him into Dire Bear Guy if you add a few extra hit dice."

[DigoDragon]

Silver: "Oh joy, what is that thing eating Kard?"
Tatum: "It's a gelatinous cube. Looks like pudding."
Misty: "I can't believe I didn't see it!"
Kard: "You can see it just fine from the inside!"

Kard: "Uh... I think the town's founder was mentally slow."
Lars: "How so?"
Kard: "He misspelled his name. Twice."

Olivia: "I cast Deity's Weapon and command it to attack the black dragon!"
DM: (Reads the spell description) "Whoa, that's... a good spell."
Olivia: "Form- Blazing Sword!"
PCs: *Begin humming Voltron theme as the sword slays the dragon in one strike*

[TheTeaMustFlow]

Binder: Look, I'm not summoning demons. They're actually pseudonatural reflections of demons, called into being by the twisted entity existing beyond life and death that I have bound to my soul... Why are you looking at me like that?

[Dasgovernator]

NPC: "Did you report this to the authorities?"
PC3: ". . . No. Is that a thing we should do?"

PC2: "Okay come one, it was self-defense. We're not going to get arrested again"
PC1: "Do you now what happens when the authorities investigate a murder case? THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE BODIES WENT!"
PC2: " . . .****! Open the barrels back up! Hopefully we still put them back together"

PC1: "The Necromancer heard there was a Gladiator arena in the city. Where do you think he is?"

PC1: "I've got someone who can help with that on my boat. A Syph. Syfl. Sifil?"
PC4: "Syphilis?"
PC3: "Well he might have that too"

PC3: "You're pretty smart aren't you"
PC1: "Smart is the wrong word"

PC3: "What would happen if I had hypothetically killed some people--In Self Defense--and stuck their bodies into a barrel for future use as zombie parts. Could we be arrested for that?"

PC5: "I Bite the Wyvren. Not something I ever expected to "

PC5: "I want my enemy to look me in the eye when I eat him"

[mythmonster2]

DM: "Alright, the skeleton does nothing to you because you washed your hands."

[Kid Jake]

Michael Stockton: "You're outclassed, I'm going to drag you in whether you want to go or not."
Superhuman Hobo: "Look again, there's 4 of us and one of you."
Michael Stockton: "Then I guess it's a good thing that I'm an indestructible, highly trained killing machine and you're just a bunch of losers that live in a parking garage."

Dr Luvless: "Why would I be concerned? What sort of idiot would let him just walk up and steal their powers?"
Fanboy: "Hey! That guy stole McCrow's powers AND mine. He's tricky."
Dr Luvless: *stares at the drunken McCrow snoring on a flight of stairs nearby.* "Yes... but like I said, why should I be concerned?"


Dr Steinz: "You IDIOT! Why, oh why, would you shoot a man FILLED WITH BEES!?"
Michael Stockton: "I...really didn't think that through."

[DigoDragon]

DM: "Oh look, Misty takes 14 points of damage."
Misty: "How did I take damage on a boat?"
DM: "Boating Mishap!"

DM: "You're in a dwarf town. Everyone's at most... 4 foot something. In all directions. Like bricks."
Vincent: (Scottish Accent) "Right, grab your axes boys! LEGOs Maneuver, now!!"

Mira: "Why do the rakasta hate you? Is it because you're not a cat person?"
Vincent: "Must be my puppy charm."
Misty: "You eat puppy charms?"
DM: (Irish Accent) "Oh those rakasta, always after me puppy charms!"

DM: "I give you people your first cursed item and you all act like kids on Christmas morning."

Niomi: "I feel dizzy, I see spots in my eyes, and there's a metallic taste in my mouth. Lars, I think your singing caused me to suffer a stroke."

Olivia: "I don't think they want to hear the word finally."
Lars: "Or blasted."
Vincent: Especially together in the same sentence."

[GAAD]

Livequoting IV: Son of Livequoting

Warlord: I roll a nature check. Do I find any tacos?

Fighter: I got a nineteen for diplomacy.
Me: That's great! Because you didn't tell me what you said beforehand, congratulations on your convincing stare.
Fighter: Towards the crowd!
Me: Which hasn't shown up yet.
Warlord: How long until the lynch mob shows up?
Me: ENOUGH. ABOUT. MY RANGER.

Closing Sentence:
Captain of the Guard: YOU ARE HEREBY BANISHED!
Warlord: YOU ARE HEREBY A *********************. Also a *****.

He didn't use profanity, I just censored his words for comedy.

[Prince Raven]

Zelfir: "Here, put this in your coat"
Boris: "This is a mechanical animal's leg..."
Zelfir: "Yep."
Boris: "Ok then." *puts leg in coat*

Zelfir: "I open the door and look outside"
GM: "You see Boris standing outside, shrouded in mist"
Zelfir: "I glance back behind me"
GM: "You see Boris inspecting some of the dolls hanging from the ceiling"
Zelfir: "I close the door..."

Boris: "Boris doesn't talk in third person, there are only two Borises, don't be ridiculous."

[Tassyr]

"Witty one liner!" "Snappy comeback!" "Funny Catchphrase!"

(That's ACTUALLY what was shouted.)

[TheHoodedTeddy]

Can I roll a diplomacy check against myself to see if I can lower the price for me?

[Erth16]

Director: You all turn around and see that Chaika is gone. Noel, Rocky, and Valentine fall to the ground screaming. You all wake up in a castle of glass and mirrors. On the ground written in orange many many times is "Pull Back" leading up to a lever, that has "Don't you dare" written in front of it.
Valentine and Usagi: NOEL PULL THE LEVER!

Chaika: What's the floor made of?
Director: Mirrors.

Director: So the mirrors on your side rise up and fade from existence, on either side of you is a large open room, on either side is a knight wearing shining glass armor, holding a sword and a large mirror as a shield.
Rocky IV: I like your armor.

Looking Glass Knights: We are the guardians of the White Queen's castle. You have two options. Fight us here and now, or traverse the gauntlet and fight that knight over there.

Hakugwyn: So who do you think would win, you two or him?
Director: The looking glass knights point at each other in complete mirrors of each other, the various mirrors in the room making it look like 48 different knights are pointing at each other, and say "I believe that if he fought him, he would lose, but if I fought him it would come down to luck." They say as they point to another knight.

Hakugwyn: I make a wall behind us so we only need to fight one knight right now.
Rocky IV: I link the knights so that they take all the damage the other does.
Valentine: I tell Noel to pull the trigger.

Director: Noel's bullet ricochets around the room off the shield and hits Valentine in the face. The Looking Glass Knights swings its shield when it blocks and hits Valentine, Hakugwyn, and Rocky for 2.


Director: The knight on the other side of the wall steps back and summons a clone of Chaika. Chaika curses Chaika twice.

Rocky IV: I put rockets on the Knights shield and rip it out of the knights hands.
Director: It smashes the wall.

Director: The other knight creates a clone of Rocky IV, we shall refer to her as Rocky V.

Rocky IV: I launch the other knights shield now.
Director: As the shield flies across the room, everyone but Hakugwyn takes 13 damage.

Hakugwyn: I remove my overcharge, 4 in all three.
Director: Ok, first, Noel becomes unable to breathe for about 10 seconds, then once she regains her breath, you stab her in a sudden fit of rage. Your heart is up to you.
Hakugwyn: I take Noel to the Hospital for her daily check up.

[Neli42]

GM: So, just a single move, then?
Rogue: I would prefer to remain behind the cleric, yes.

[Milodiah]

PC1 (pale white dude in Lawrence-of-Arabia-esque desert garb): "I guess we'll leave then."
*PC1 leaves the apartment*
NPC: "Why were you in Woczinskiy's apartment?"
PC1: "...uh...It's okay, I'm an archaeologist!"
NPC: *backs away*
PC1: "Also the King of Egypt!"
NPC: "...police!"
PC2 (in police uniform): *walks out* "Yes?"
NPC: "...hey street thugs, help!"

[DigoDragon]

"Witty one liner!" "Snappy comeback!" "Funny Catchphrase!"

(That's ACTUALLY what was shouted.)

Haha, that's actually funny. :D

[Sith_Happens]

Chaika: What's the floor made of?

More importantly, who names their character "Chaika" and proceeds to speak in complete sentences?:smallconfused:

[PrincessCupcake]

Fenheim: "Time to make a healing potion! I throw herbs and grass into my cauldron!"
*massive explosion*
DM: "okay, now that you've blown yourself, 5 zombies, and Mourner up..."

-
Mourner: *critted by a zombie and falls into negatives*
DM: (To Mourner only) "You are overwhelmed by the desire to feed. Next turn, you can attack the closest living person and if you feed, you won't collapse."
DM: (To everyone) "You see Mourner take a grievous wound and fall to his knees. Something looks very, very wrong."
Mourner: (To DM only) "Who is closest to me?"
Fenheim: "Oh crap I'm about to die."
DM: (To Mourner only) "Fenheim is a prophet."

-
DM: "Okay, so the rest of you look at <PC>, and realize he just left a sprite and an unconscious lycanthrope in charge of watching the camp."

-

[DigoDragon]

Olivia: "What kind of magical aura does Rezo give off?"
Rezo: "Italian."

DM: "Hopefully my Italian friends have a sense of humor."
Silver: "If not, at least you get to meet their family before they wipe you."

DM: "You're attack bounces off the iron golem."
Silver: "Okay, these things are invincible."
Vincent: "We'll try out witting them!"
DM: "This is going to end in tears."

Stragus: "Misty, you're back from a spectacular ripping trip of 10,000 years past! So how was it? Did you survive the goat?"
Misty: "Oh it's great... except, who the heck are you and what's this about a 10,000 year old goat?"

Kard: "Okay, so you want us to travel back in time 10,000 years to plant seads? But if we already planted them 10,000 years ago why isn't the tree here now?"
Silver: (Knocks on Kard's head) "Hey McFly, you're not thinking 4th dimensionally!"
Vincent: "Great Scott!"

[Madfellow]

NPC: So, which one of you is the leader?
PC1: ...
PC2: ...
PC3: ...
PC4: Not it!

[rgrekejin]

DM: Congratulations. That's the first time I've ever seen someone beat a bear to death with another bear.

[Erth16]

More importantly, who names their character "Chaika" and proceeds to speak in complete sentences?:smallconfused:

The kind who didn't make their own character, and ignored the fact that on the character sheet it says they speak in broken sentences.

[braveheart]

NPC security guy: So what have you done as security
me(10 year old pc):I protected my friends
NPC security guy: From What?
me: Giratina the dragon god of death
NPC security guy: .....



Latter that session

Me: you mean that you don't just put the pokemon in a box
NPC security guy: Well sort of but we have our own box
me: Of course you have your own box, but where is it?
NPC security guy: We keep it safe with special computers and security measures
me: WHAT DO COMPUTERS HAVE TO DO WITH A CARDBOARD BOX
(entire table laughs so hard that they cannot speak for several minutes)

[Sith_Happens]

The kind who didn't make their own character, and ignored the fact that on the character sheet it says they speak in broken sentences.

Disappointment. Great opportunity missed. Player not deserving of name "Chaika."

[Drynwyn]

Newbie DM: "Why do you have a ten foot pole and 200 feet of rope on your equipment list?

Me: "Trust me, you'll figure it out."


LATER


Newbie DM: "The 10 foot pole catches fire and is instantly reduced to ash."
Me: "It's OK. I have a spare."

[Rater202]

From a Freeform Digimon Game

Chosen Child: So, should we be woried that most of hour partners are demon?
Tamer: Beelzemon has a precedent for Demon types not being evil. I am a bit concered that your 12 year old girl has the crest of "Lust".
Bio-Hybrid: You've never been to a public middle school in the mid-west, have you?

Bio-Hybrid: I destroy the angel-type and load it's data.
Chosen Child's partner(Lilithmon): It is a sad day, is it not, when one in the form of a Royal Knight is more evil than one of the Seven Great Demon Lords
Bio-Hybrid: Oh come on now, you loaded data from those orphans too.

[Dasgovernator]

PC1: "I was thinking a she* not a he actually, for flavor reasons. My guys are veterans of a desperate war, they aren't going to be picky about that sort of stuff. Gender equality all around for my murder squad"
PC2: "We're evil. Gender equality means we've got some aberrations in there that deal sanity damage if you try to observe their gender"

DM: "Ha! The first Cohort I designed for you [PC1] is actually a woman"
PC1: "Grumblejack? Why didn't you ever mention this to us?"
DM (Barely keeping himself together, as Ally Ogre NPC): "Never Asked"

[Jon_Dahl]

"We should go somewhere private to talk more about this... But where?"
"Well, you own a house nearby."
"Yeah, good point! Let's go there!"

[Oazard]

Veran: "I cast Black Tentacles on the succubus and her harem."
Other players: "..."
Veran: "What?"
GM: "The crusaders are on your side."
Mark: "And I asked you to cast a spell that would not hurt them."
Veran: "Well, they're not dead. Yet."
Other players: "..."
Veran: "And I only cast that spell because there is a succubus. Succubus and tentacles!"
GM: "And that's why the succubus is the only one who succeeded her save."

Veran: "We promise you that we will never talk about the tentacles incident ever again. What happens at Drezen, stays in Drezen."

Veran: "Why did you kill the only demon who recognized us?"
Mark: "Well, I don't trust a succubus. She could bluff us! Or lie to us! Or charm us! Or tell us the truth! We couldn't know! WE HAVE BEEN LIED TO BY GOATS!"

GM: "So, Derpy Dash failed to diplomance the mimic. The mimic insults your mother."
Veran: "Derpy Dash, I'm disappointed."
Derpy Dash: "Did you try to talk 'tentacles' with a draconic accent?"
Veran: "BUT YOU'RE USING TELEPATHY!"
Derpy Dash: "IT. STILL. APPLIES."

GM: "You feel a strong Evil aura on the other side of the door."
Veran: "I cast Infernal Healing on the paladin."
*beat*
Mark: "Can I have an AO on her?"
Veran: "I cast defensively Infernal Healing on the paladin. And I succeed my concentration check."
GM: "Make a melee touch attack against the paladin."
Mark: "If she touches me, I punch her."
Veran: "I hit."
Mark: "I attack her."

Mark: "Why did she die? I wanted to redeem her!"
GM: "You wanted to redeem a mutant barbarian by full-attacking her?"

[ZeroGear]

New Shadowrun game

Jack Rabbit: “It’s a long and involved story that features Magic, Alcohol, a Bong, ad about twenty yards of Duct Tape.”

Jack Rabbit: “Natasha, you’re more into the Astral stuff, you should go talk to mr. Sleepy-time over there and I’ll go talk to some of the other guys. You should probably talk to Cerberus too…”
[Realizes she’s not too good at negotiation] *Beat*
Jack Rabbit: “I’ll go talk to Cerberus.”

North Wind: “Who is it?”
Mellor: “It’s Mallor. Usually you come down and have a drink with us. It’s Tuesday.”

Jack Rabbit: “Does google still exist?”

Mellor: “That was a pretty bad defense roll. It was only an eight.”

Natasha: “If attacking doesn’t affect the Banishing, then the best action to take is a full-defensive.”
Jack Rabbit: “That’s what we have the ‘turtle’ for!”

DM: “He is using sword-foo.”
Jack Rabbit to Mellor: “Your Sword-Foo is superior!”

DM: “Your spells may not be the most powerful, but you can use them all day long.”
Jack Rabbit: “I’m a rabbit! I’m supposed to do stuff all day long!”

North Wind: “Tell Chihuahua not to punch everyone who comes through the door.”
Mellor: “That’s kinda what he does.”

Natasha to Jack Rabbit after she found out he changed her ringtone: “I am going to send a salt spirit after you to take all the salt out of your food and make your soy taste bland.”

Natasha to Jack Rabbit: “Sword-boy wants to have a threesome.”

[DigoDragon]

Orlandu: "So what exactly is your profession?"
Kard: "Jack of all trades, rogue, a ranting @$$ on a soapbox."

Kard: "What am I looking at?"
DM: "A flask of a bubbling red liquid."
Lars: "I wouldn't drink that."
Kard: "My stupidity knows certain bounds."

Kard: "What the heck is she doing?"
DM: "She's loading manure onto a cart."
Misty: "She's got a lot of sh*t."
Lars: "Yeah, she's full of it."
DM: "The guards are trying to stop her."
Misty: "You don't mean..?"
DM: "Yup, they don't want her to take no sh*t."

DM: "...And two porcelain bowls under a cot. Your imagination will know what that is for."
Vincent: "Monkeys?"
Lars: "Well, if they come flying out of your butt."

DM: "Roll a tracking check to find their trail."
Vincent: "I rolled a 30."
DM: "Right... well it's a caravan of three coaches, two wagons, and two scouts on horseback. The 2nd coach's right front wheel is loose, the 1st cart has un uneven load to the left, the rear scouting horse will throw his shoe in 7 miles. Oh, and the driver of the first coach has ambiguous leanings."
Lars: "... I'm buying new boots."

Kard: "I'll keep swinging this until you move in my way."

Terry: "Hey, Priscilla of the Desert, it's your turn!"

DM: "Is the party going to sell the half-plate and the kama?"
Misty: "Yes."
Silver: "What? We need her!"
DM: "Huh? Need who? We're talking about the armor."
Silver: "Sorry, I thought you said we were going to sell the halfling and the comma."
Kard: "Periods are worth more."

Joel: "Hand me eye of newt."
Vincent: "Sure, here."
Joel: "Now, a wing of bat."
Vincent: "Yup, here you go."
Joel: "Hand me 5 bucks."
Vincent: "Uh...?"
Joel: "Just checking if you would notice."

Joel: "Potion is ready. Pour it over the stone."
Olivia: "Okay, I pour the potion."
DM: "The stone begins sizzling when the potion is poured over it."
Kard: "What are you doing, marinating it?"

Joel: "The stone is pure evil. Who will go take stone to top of Mount Doom and drop it in hot lava with the halfling?"
Misty: "Wait, what?!"
Kard: "You can count me in!"
Vincent: "You have my sword!"
Silver: "And my bow."
Lars: "And my axe!"
Misty: "I hate you all."

[bulbaquil]

P4: "They both do the exact same thing, except one of them can do magic."
GM: "Yeah: the barbarian."
P5: "Thrognar best wizard! I cast rage! Look, enemy dead!"

P5: "Why are we letting the cleric watch our back?"
P6: "Because the cleric has a +18 Perception without trying."
P5: "...oh, right, Wisdom."
P1: (bloodrager) "Same reason I'm in the front."

P5: "I roll a perception check to see a yubnub."
GM: "Your fey bonus will apply."

P1: "I'm chaotic."
P5: "I'm chaotic and I don't put gremlins in my mouth."
P1: "Then you're not being chaotic."
P5: "I'm playing ANGRY chaotic, not crazy chaotic."
P1: "Then you're sane."

GM: "I don't have to run Pirates vs. Ninjas; you guys are doing it for me."

[DigoDragon]

P5: "Thrognar best wizard! I cast rage! Look, enemy dead!"

BRB, dying of laughter. :smallbiggrin:

[Madfellow]

GM: I don't think a dwarf's olfactory senses are quite on par with those of a bloodhound.

[Milodiah]

BRB, dying of laughter. :smallbiggrin:

Clearly someone hasn't read about Korg the Magical :smallwink:

[Winds]

Shadowrun

P1: "You have a strong spirit, child. Never lose it."
NPC: "...I smell like pee."
P2: "We all do, actually."

"Calling it now, the truffles are going to be angry."

"So...like [A character who has been away from the table]."
"Yes. Wait, who's that?"

"If only there were a convenience store ACROSS THE **** STREET."

"So we need that pizza...who's coming to Chicago with me?"

[Rater202]

11 year old:It only has one shot. Make it count.

[DigoDragon]

Vincent: "Who wants a pair of evil knockers?"

Misty: "We may have only 5 days left before the world ends."
Brad: "Um... how about breakfast then?"

Vincent: "I'd like to know why I'm not making it to my 18th birthday?"
Silver: "I won't make it to my 18th girlfriend."
Vincent: "I thought you made that last month?"
Silver: "I'm not a bard."

Olivia: "Do you value your life?"
Evil Wizard: "Um..." (surrenders)
Olivia: "Go to the corner!"
Vincent: "What, you're giving him a time out?!"

[TheHoodedTeddy]

Why do I always have to be the serious one? Now come on, I need to go give mister mittens some nom noms before he gets the grumblies

[GAAD]

Livequoting V: The Livequote Strikes Back

Ranger: I bribe the fighter to fight the people trying to kill us.
Warlord: I am NOT a fighter!

Fighter: I love how your initials for the bandits spell out BAD.
Me: Actually, that would be you guys.

Warlord: I wish the ranger would die.
Me: It doesn't work; he's a PC.

Final Sentence
Warlord: Welp, I'm unconscious. Give me a feat next session.

[ZeroGear]

Vincent: "Who wants a pair of evil knockers?"


...I am going to die form some of the stuff you guys come up with.
(My god my brain is in he gutter. I blame the time I allowed the group to use the B.O.E.F.)

[Raven777]

Mark: I lead the group to the citadel's highest tower and raise the Sword of Valor!
GM: As the liberated Sword of Valor is finally deployed high above the battlefield, you hear a thousand voices strong celestial choir as a host of angels descends upon Drezen and engages the remaining demons.
Veran: *Puts her hand on Mark's shoulder* I want to congratulate you. This all kinds of cool! *Casts Infernal Healing on the Paladin* *again*
Mark: *Doesn't even bother to reply* *shoves Veran off the tower's edge*
GM: The angels are puzzled. The Paladin detects as Evil. The Sorceress is halfway down the tower. I am not even surprised. *End of chapter snapshot*
"..."
Veran: I auto succeed at feather fall anyway.
*credits roll*

[Milodiah]

...I am going to die form some of the stuff you guys come up with.
(My god my brain is in he gutter. I blame the time I allowed the group to use the B.O.E.F.)

...at one time I was dumb enough to hand my Delta Green group an alien probe device.

And thus was minted the group in-joke "Buuutttt stuuuffff"...

[the OOD]

R.O.V.E.R.: who do we trust more, the the psychotic redneck who should have been locked up and/or shot 20 years ago, or the new guy.
John: hint: it's not the new guy.

George: George Moroe, pleasure to meet you.
R.O.V.E.R.: *extends four miniguns mounted on a rotating frame to shake "hands"*
George: umm...

John: whats the tank for?
George: oh, that's mine.
John: a tank? pansy.
George: you got better?
John: I got rover.:smallamused:

John: everything... it just... sort of... 'sploded...

Solus: ooh! messy death!

*John fumbles pilot(aircraft) check*
R.O.V.E.R.: *over radio* we're bailing, meet you in the cabin, I'll make an exit.

the door isn't working
R.O.V.E.R.: say my name.

John: what the **** kinda tank is this?
George: it's size large.
John: that's a sissy tank.

R.O.V.E.R.: **** it, I'm making an exit, I gatling minigun gun the wall until there is no wall.
GM: is it weird that "gatling minigun" is a verb now?

George: so what, the end of the world or something?
John: MEH!

George: how big is the door?
R.O.V.E.R.: size large once you drive the tank through it

GM: all the monsters are melee-based
John: let's take roll, we have the flyer, the guy in a tank, the literal tank, and the sniper.

Eric: evil trees are bigger than the tank.
John: yeah, but they don't have guns.

John: I hit with a 22.
DM: a 22 attack roll, or a .22 cal?
John: both?

GM: for the second time in history, a tentacle monster is trying to leave a grapple.

John: 14 damage is not bad vs natural DR
R.O.V.E.R.: not enough to hurt ROVER, but good for everything else
Solus: ICMBs are the best response to ROVER:smalltongue:
GM: try SRBMs, you get a similar yield with less international conflict
John: but it means you're on the same continent as ROVER, and pissing him off
R.O.V.E.R.: but you will have blasted the ground out from under me, it should take him a while to dig out.
Solus: Ok, I reckon we could contain him on-site in a city for about 20 min of sustained nuclear bombardment. could that kill him?
John: ...maybe?

John: eric, you have pissed off a very dangerous and unstable man.
R.O.V.E.R.: and sociopath WALL-E!

Eric: stay in box. box is safety. box is life.

R.O.V.E.R.: *over subwoofers* you brought an army. we dug ourselves out of the wreakage of an airplane and blew through them like trash. we proceded to shoot down one of the most powerful beings on the mortal plane because he pissed us off. you don't even factor into this. killing you back to hell is so trivial it isn't even a side job to us. do you *really* want to **** with us?
deamon lord: *runs*

John: can I carry my rifle onto the roof of the truck?
R.O.V.E.R.: you ARE thinking what I'm thinking!
GM: but where are you going to get that much duct tape?

GM: you drive in on a super-segway to see a coffin piloting a helicopter over the battlefield.

R.O.V.E.R.: here's a happy meal kids toy, now craft us four wheels
Solus: I might need a little more material than that...

Eric: "egg implantation"?
Solus: let's not find out.

GM: *over chat software* And the robot is full autoing the psion's helicopter. yeeaaahhh.
GM's friend: sounds interesting

[DigoDragon]

DM: "The mayor lives in the huge mansion up the hill and just sits there on his fat butt all day. It's the biggest thing in town."
Silver: "The house or the mayor?"

Kard: "The secret to being a good businessman is to convince people that they're making love when they're actually getting screwed."

Silver: "Where to begin?"
Prince Larg: "Start at the beginning."
Mira: "First the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil..."

Silver: "Unga Bunga. Discover fire. Discover women. Discover booze. Life am good."

Kard: "It's a Mullet Wolf!"

Kard: "You think all my actions are solely for my own personal gain?"
Everyone: "Yes."

Tatum: "Sno cones! Don't worry, it's lemon."

[Rater202]

Me: Gear tries to hold down the rope with all of his almost non existent scrawny might!
Me:*Rolls second highest possible result*
Me:...Luckily, he's got a bionic leg capable of doing it for him.Gear is an 11 year old Crystal Pony who is smal for his age as a result of manutrion.

Basically he' the size of a house cat, give or take.

He has the bear minumum in physical attributes, and no training with physical skills, and lost a foreleg because he punched a dragon in the face.

His prosthetic does not give him super powers and is not at all bionic. It's actually slightly worse than a meat leg.

[ZeroGear]

Natasha: “Lone Star is there to protect my tomatoes.”

Mellor: “I’m in the Fencing circuit.”
Jack Rabbit: “Then why have I never heard of you?”
Natasha: “Are you into Fencing?”
Jack Rabbit: “Well, I do buy stuff off the black marked sometimes…”
Mellor: “Deferent kind of Fencing.”

The Dude: “Why is this ‘black rainbow’ talking to me?”

The Dude: “You looking for Natasha? She’s in the back talking to what I can only describe as ‘rainbow goth’.”

The Raven: “I should probably bring Cuddles”
Jack Rabbit: “Who is ‘Cuddles’?”
The Raven: “You’ll know Cuddles when you see him.”
Mellor: “Sounds like a perfectly legitimate combat force.”
Jack Rabbit: “Sounds like a killing machine!”
Mellor: “Which is a perfectly legitimate combat force.”

Jack Rabbit: “I think I have a spell that can help. I know ‘Detect Enemies’.”
DM: “That is an interesting choice of a spell.”
Jack Rabbit: “What? It helps. It lets me know when I need to run away.”
Mellor: “An excellent point.”
Jack Rabbit: “It also lets me know when the boyfriend of the girl I’m sleeping with is walking down the hall.”
DM: “Touché.”
Mellor: “It must be very awkward when you’re using that spell and the boyfriend walks in anyway.”
Jack Rabbit: “That’s the point when i’m jumping out the window with my clothes in my hand.”

DM: “She is jauntily whistling Slayer’s ‘Raining Blood’.”

DM: “There is an escape tunnel that can get you past some of the defenses.”
Jack Rabbit: “So it’ll get us into the building without getting turned into Swiss Cheese.”
DM: “Yes.”
Jack Rabbit: “…Does Swiss Cheese actually still exist?”

DM: “Do you want to go on a quest for magical powers?”
Jack Rabbit, Natasha, & Mellor: “YES!”

DM: “They are Toxic Shamans that call themselves ‘The Filth’. They’re bing obvious, but we don’t know where they are.”

DM: “[Mellor]’s perfectly capable of acting charming while looking down on people.”

DM: “What’s up?”
Natasha: “I was thinking of summoning a not-gross spirit of water.”
Jack Rabbit: “Yes, summon a water spirit to wash away the filth. Maybe you can summon a spirit of soap too.”
Natasha: “I don’t think I could summon a spirit of soap.”
DM: “No, you’ve got to be a worshiper of Billy Mays to do that.”

[Erth16]

Rasil: Time to bring out the Razzle Dazzle. I kick the lock and try and break it. I got an eight.
DM: Well something breaks.

Azrael: I use my massive girth to block the entrance to the antique store so they can't get any business, because it's the petty evils that count.

Rasil: Would you like to buy a vase from me?
Neji: No thanks.
Rasil: Come on, it's a really nice vase.
Neji: No.
Rasil: He won't let anyone leave the antique store until you say yes.
Neji: Fine, get it to me later, where do you live.
Rasil: That tree over there.

Neji: Later that day, before going to pick up the vase, I blow up the antique shop.
DM: Make a reflex save to dodge pottery shrapnel.

Azrael: Okay, this round, I'm going to two hand my fist. I punch him for 32 damage.

[Dasgovernator]

PC1: "He's a ninja lizard"

PC2: "I speak Abyssal. What do they say?"
DM: "lets see . . . mostly . . . "
PC1: "Abbadon is awesome and Heaven sucks?"
DM: "No . . .its describes and depicts many brutal ways to commit murder"
PC1: " . . . I takes notes"

PC3: "I Aid another on the sneak check"
PC1: "How does that even work?"
PC3: "I'm not getting in the way"
PC1: "Wouldn't that be easier if you weren't there?"
PC2: "No, its more like you're making so much noise they can't actually hear him"

PC4: "You know, we haven't found any bathrooms here yet. Where do we . . .do our business?"
PC1: "Over the side of the balcony of course"
PC2: "No no, that's what the shrine of [LG Diety] is for"

PC4: "Greetings big floating thing of death"

PC4: "So you had contact with [NPC]. Was this before, during, or after he was dead?"

PC1: "I fail at stabbing myself. 0 Damage"

NPC: "I am Ezra thrice damned! Before that I was Ezra twice damned!"
PC4: "So failing and dying is a pattern with you then?"

PC1: "What is Pathfinder if not GTA with a bunch of mods installed"

PC3: "The Alphabet song is not friendly in Abyssal"

PC1: "What's the point of killing people if we can't loot their bodies"

PC1: "Flashlights--The world's most effective weapon"

PC1: "Killing things--the solution to all problems!"

PC3: "I speak a greeting in Abyssal"
DM: "You get no response"
PC3: "I try Infernal"
DM: "No response"
PC3: "Sylvan"
DM: "No Response"
PC1: "At this point he might just come out to see who the hell is yelling all this gibberish at his front door"

[DigoDragon]

Anomen: "Dude, that joke was lamer then FDR's legs."

DM: "During your death, you had like 30 seconds of mist and clouds... like a Windows screen saver."
Silver: "She died and went to Microsoft?"

Olivia: "What do we do with Mira's body?"
Tatum: "Toss her in the Bag of Holding. She's dead so what's it matter?"
Dead Mira: "Yeah, for once in my life I won't complain."

Silver: "He's going to keep asking if this going to send him to hell."
DM: "Don't worry, I'll help him."
Silver: "Sending him to hell??"

Paco : "Pfft, with those people dead that means I have to deal with their whining when I return to the afterlife."
Vincent: "Well maybe they'll be in another afterlife?"
Paco: "Were they good people?"
Vincent: "Er... you're right."

Mira: "That was satistacting."
DM: "What?"
Mira: "Forget I said anything."
DM: "You got it!"

Mira: "This has to be the work of Carrie or Miluda. Who else likes to build snowmen?"
Tatum: "Uh... kids?"

Kard: "She's not the brightest screwdriver in the cabbage patch kid."

Silver: "I'm doing this in the name of- Shut your evil a$$!"
Vincent: "Did you say evil or emo?"
Olivia & Tatum: "Shut your emo a$$!"

DM: "The composite sketches look like stick figures with circles for heads."
Anomen: "Is that a cat, dog, or a donut?"

Silver: "Do you have any evil detection spells?"
Olivia: "No, I don't."
Vincent: "Tatum, you got any?"
Tatum: "I have Protection from Evil. So if they're Good and they hurt me, then they're not evil... Wait."

[Valefor Rathan]

GM: "You're about to be boarded"
Me: "Hide all the contraband!"
PC2: "What about the dead guy spacer-taped to the wall?"
Me: "Did we forget about him?"


GM: "The authorities arrive outside"
PC1: "I'll fast talk them"
Me: "I'll hide all the bodies in the crates" ::sounds of nasty body-stashing::


GM: "You're about to boarded"
Party: "COUNTER BOARD!"
GM: ::sighs::


PC1: "We should give him a proper burial"
PC2: ::smashes "him" in question with a large rock::


Me: "FETCH ME MY WRENCH FOR I SHALL BRAIN THEE!"


GM: "What did we learn today?"
Party in unison: "...always wear your seatbelt..."

PC1: "When's it my turn to jump out of the box?!?!"
Guards: ::back away slowly::


Guard: "What is this?"
PC1: "It's a...::fails Fast-Talk roll::.."
Me: "Oh honey, don't let him touch that. We haven't cleaned it since last time ::makes Fast-Talk roll::"
Guard: ::shudders:: "Move along."


PC1: "We've been here before"
Me: "How can you tell?"
PC2: "The trail of dead bodies?"
Me: "Good call."

[Sith_Happens]

Mira: "This has to be the work of Carrie or Miluda. Who else likes to build snowmen?"
Tatum: "Uh... kids?"

And Ultron. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra1sBRLRFtc)

[Valefor Rathan]

P2- "I wish to remain no less then 1 mile away from the party, when not working on a plot quest."
P3- "why?"
P2- "because that is the perfect distance to stay out of the blast radius and still enjoy the show."

P1- "God damn it... I'm going to get blamed for this by the world, aren't I?"
P4- "yep"
P2- "one mile away"



Whoever "P2" is in this group, I feel a strange connection to them. Like a kindred spirit except more judgey...


GM: No, you cannot use other party members as weapons
P1: ::sullenly:: You started it...

[ramakidin]

DM: [To Bard] You managed to successfully keep all your followers from rolling down into the winding tunnel.
Cleric: That's a shame. I wanted to see an old man die.
Bard: Don't hate against the Happy Gentleman's Club.
Rogue: Besides I haven't taken my turn yet.

DM: The Happy Gentlemen speed down the slope in their wheelchairs. The old bard is still squeaking out the Song of Competence as he rolls into a hole. The other men quickly follow and you all hear a series of splashes.
Bard: You just couldn't let them live could you.
Fighter: That is just cruel, I didn't get to loot them.
Rogue: They are better off dead anyways than trying to fulfill their goal of world happiness.
DM: You begin to make out the song of competence from the hole.
Rogue: Damn, those geezers are tough.

Rogue: I punch him through the portal.

Wizard: Why is the dragon hiding behind the imp? I mean he doesn't know I cast detect invisibility and he is more likely to get hit there anyways.
Cleric: Some dragons are just different.

Rogue: Hey did the old guys drown?
Bard: No, me and [Fighter] got them all out when you guys were fighting the dragon.
Rogue: No loot for you then.
Fighter: Come on guys.
Wizard, Barbarian and Cleric: "gleeful chorus of rejection"

Ranger: We don't know what's in that box! There could be anything in that box that could kill us.
Cleric: Like what?
Ranger: A gay lesbian barbarian wielding a kobold wizard as a wand.
Rest of Party: *facepalm & disappointed sigh
Cleric: I smash the lid open anyways. What do I find?
DM: You see a silver shard- in which [Ranger]'s face is visible.
Cleric: I smash it as it is obviously cursed to blind those who look upon it.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Anyone who believes in telekinesis please raise my hand."

Lupina: "Where are we meeting up?"
Stealth: "How about the Starbucks downtown?"
Lupina: "Hon, this is Seattle. That don't narrow anything down."
Stealth: "Fine, the one two blocks from the warehouse we were at last night."
Lupina: "Which direction?"

Bandaid: "If everything is going alright on a Run, you overlooked something."

GM: "You know you can get food at Starbucks."
Lupina: "Yeah, overpriced granola bars. Oh and today they have week-old stale bread. Let's slice that up and call it Biscotti!!"

Lupina: "What's the latest fashion in hats?"
GM: "The MEGA M-"
Lupina: "Uh, what is the latest fashion in hats that has absolutely no chance in setting my head on fire? 'Cause I know where this Mega M thing is going."

GM: "Lupina comes out, dressed in a business suit and skirt, hair is up in a bun under a beret."
Stealth: "I'll say it again- Woof."
Lupina: "Eh, I don't feel right wearing this suit."
Stealth: "Can't wait to breathe again, huh?"
Lupina: "If I sneeze, I'm liable to take out a crowd of people in front of me with the buttons alone."

Lupina: "One thing I learned in the business of real estate is that you always want to see the goods up front." (Adjusts her blouse)

Bandaid: "Yuck, that female troll was hitting on me. Did you see that?"
Lupina: "At least you could tell that it was a female."
Bandaid: "She had a uniboob. And it wasn't centered!!"

GM: "This town of Elf Quest is set up with a nice, idealistic community on top with the unseen underground forgotten below. It has a monorail, train, and a bus system. The population is mostly elves."
Lupina: "When did we all get to Disney World?"

Lupina: "Yeah I know. By the way, I just gave ya a compliment. Sorry about that."

[Dunsparce]

This is how today's D&D session ended

DM: Congrations, you launched an unattended space rocket.
DM: It is now on its way to somewhere.
Thorolf the Ranger: Can I crawl outside and ride it like a cowboy?
DM: Of course
DM: Make a ride check to ride the space rocket.
Thorolf the Ranger: *Rolls a 20*
DM: That was a natural 20, so you're going to ride this rocket
Thorolf the Ranger: "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
DM: Thorolf flies off into deep space armed with only his cannon and infinite booze.
DM: To boldly kill outsiders where no man has gone before.
DM: And to do so while intoxicated
DM: I'm actually not sure if there's a more fitting thing for Thorolf to do with his life
Thorolf the Ranger: I don't think so either
DM: If you want, he can spend the rest of eternity flying through space, drinking and killing space outsiders. Or you guys could be squares and go pick him up.

[flame12]

All OOC presession

P3: I’m a flying, flaming rhino that turns into a dragon!
GM: That’s not a rhino.:smallmad:
P3: Fear me!:smallamused:

P3: How’s it feel having two rhinos in your party?
GM: You two aren’t actually rhinos.

GM: The average rhino flies at 22 miles per hour…
P3: 32!
GM: That’s meters per 3 seconds…

P3: Hey! That’s a business I could start! My own cremation service:smallbiggrin:
GM: *Sigh*
P3: Think I could do a joint business venture with (P4)?
GM: … No
P3: Aww, why not?
GM: Cause I don’t think Generic is looking to expand into cremations

GM: Remember (P1), bluff before pants come off
P3: I hope you have the stats for it
P1: Hmm? :smallconfused:
Gm: Well, (P1) has a pretty high dex score:smallwink:


GM: If your character has a listed fear of owl, your model cannot be the owl!

NPC: So (PC1), would you like to catch a movie?
Entire table bursts out laughing.
PC1: Out of character laughter! Out of character laughter!

P2: When I said my character was like Rasputin, I wasn’t entirely exaggerating
GM: I’m not rolling for that…

P2:Which bank? I feel there might be multiple banks on second street in san fran
GM: The RBC
Table: The royal bank of Canada? In San Fransisco?
GM: They spread out in the last few years

P2: When did the hulk start robbing banks?
P3: Since his job stopped paying as much
P2: What does he do?
P3: He’s a scientist….
Peanut Gallery: He’s a drifter…

P2: I hope it isn’t the hulk
GM: That would be one hell of a cross over

GM: we are not moving the states!
P3: But someone moved a bank vault!
P1: That doesn’t mean we change the map locations
P2: Just because someone can lift a vault doesn’t mean they can rearrange the Midwest!

P2: So this bank just got robbed by a cleric of Zeus

P1: I thought you were gonna say lord of incest
GM: Well… your not wrong

P2: The Mages are the one who want to ****nap the ghost

P1: Im gonna bring both of you guys with me then go hide

P1: we could call in S.W.A.T.
P2: … they called in US!

P1: Deflecting the moon gets a penalty of “No”

P2: If (P4) was here he could hack the feed
P1: If (P4) was here he could just access it cause its his building

P3: Can I use a lifeline to phone an absent pc?

GM: Oh nick fury, why were you made of chocolate?
P3: When did buu get involved?
P1: I now have the mental image of someone just taking a bite out of a normal nick fury

P2: It can take the hit. These are good Generic walls

PC2: You built HeraZeus?!

P2: Since he doesn’t have armor piercing lightning, you can probably ignore him for a phase

P2: Men just melt in P3 hands
Table: ohhhh
P3: At least I can get them
P2: I could get men if I tried
P1: Hey, I have people lining up to take me out
P2: Oh ya, with absolutely no alterior motives

*P2 sees bbeg attacking the floor and calls an ambulance for himself*

P2: I want to know why he took the vault
GM: You could check it
P1: We have a ghost child
Gm: … the door is open

GM: You see runes written on
P1: On the bank vault, or on the sword? Cause that would be a weird thing to see on a vault

P3: (P1) takes 2 points of pope damage

[Milodiah]

"So you're saying Al-Qaeda blew up my van?"

"No, don't be ridiculous. It was horrible alien monsters from beyond time and space."

"..."

"You know what, yeah, sure. It was Al-Qaeda."

[Belkarseviltwin]

"Oh yeah, dwarves are short. I forgot about that."

[Erth16]

Director: Soon after you get in your positions to jump the council, J. Edgar Hoover, L. Ron Hubbard, Giorgio A. Touskalos, Erich Von Daniken, and Aleister Crowley walk into the room and take their seats.

(Jumping them) Noel: We're here to ask some hard hitting questions!
Rocky IV: Like where are our taxpayer dollars going!
Usagi: And what your least favorite color is!

Rocky IV: Alright, I disarm Hoover of his cigar, then pick it up off the ground. Can I breathe fire now?
Director: No but you can get cancer now.

Director: Okay, Touskalos raises his hands to the sky, and yells "ALIENS LEND ME YOUR STRENGTH". He then ends his turn.

Valentine: You know, I've been dropped to 2 hp three times in this fight, and I've only been hit twice.

Director: For the second time, Chaika shoots Von Daniken, and his heart flies out and explodes, almost as if I were running out of budget and had to reuse the animations.

Rocky IV: I raise the floor, and mold it into the shape of the Hoover dam, with a statue of Herbert Hoover in the front, and ram J. Edgar Hoover with it!

Director: Touskalos blocks your sword with his bare hands, then says "I am empowered by Aliens, none can stop me!", and hits you with his camera crew.

Crowley: You think a punch like that could phase me? I take punches better than Houdini!
Valentine: Who doesn't?

Hubbard: Look, the reason for the space navy is so that they can one day fight the old gods.
Touskalos and Von Daniken: Who are aliens.
Everyone but Noel: One more word about aliens and we sew your moth shut, rip out your vocal cords, and burn a hole through your lungs.

Scientist: Imagine Godzilla, from the film Godzilla. Now imagine Godzilla standing on the shoulders of King Ghidorah, both being carried 300 ft high by Mothra, who has Gigan standing on top of it, drilling Gamera's shell, with Rodan delicately balancing on top of Gamera, giving Mecha Godzilla a piggyback ride. There are about that tall, each.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "The bottle of beer glows in your hand."
Lupina: (Reads label) "Ingredients- Recycled heavy water."
Stealth: "What is that, Three-Mile Beer?"

Eli: "So this would be the Large Pina Collider?"

Stealth: "I should contact a friend and do what occurred at the last election."
Eli: "Electrify the levers for voting?"

Stealth: "We're going to have a peaceful solution even if I have to break out in violence!"

Stealth: "Hey now, hold your horses."
Lupina: *Neigh*
GM: "You in the back, quit feeling up Trixie!"

Lupina: "I'll unbutton the coat a little and shout taxi."
GM: "TWENTY CAR PILEUP!!"

Hack: "The mayor's staff lives on the premises."
Lupina: "So they're like furniture that came with the house?"
Stealth: "Hot and cold running secretaries."

GM: "They breed like fanboys."
Stealth: "Fanboys don't breed unless their right hand counts."

GM: "The security company is run by a Beauford T. Justice Jr. the Third."
Stealth & Lupina: "Junior the Third?"
GM: "Yes."
Lupina: "How does that work?"
Stealth: "Don't ask, you might find out."
Lupina: "That's why I'm askin!"

Hack: "Sarcasm is the body's natural defense against stupid."

Eli: "Did you hear about the Hipster who burned himself on his coffee? He drank it before it was cool."

Zapwood: "I will send these 3 trucks as humanitarian aid to my elf brethren."
Eli: "Elf... humanity?"
Stealth: "Zapwood isn't the brightest bulb in the fixture."
Lupina: "He ain't even the dim bulb in the fixture."

Lupina: "Target takes 7 lethal!"
Eli: "He has bee depraved of his senses."
Stealth: "We have our official senses taker."
Dwarf: "She's resorted to senseless violence."
GM: "..."

Lupina: "I was doing fine until I touched the dice."
GM: "That was at the beginning of the game!"

Motel Clerk: "Let me get this straight; You had the sexy girl stay by herself in one room, the guys were all in the second room playing with pillow cases, and the dwarf was in the van all night fixing his dog?"
Eli: "We know how to have fun."

Q13 News: "A fire broke out in the Sports Authority on Bensen Avenue. Arsonists were involved."
Eli: "Oh no, were they fat?"

[the OOD]

Solus: so we need aerial transport that can take... how much wight?
John: 200lbs, plus about 500 more in gear
John: and 200 pounds for doom_wall-e
Ivan: a hundred and forty for Ivan
R.O.V.E.R.: I'm about 900lbs with gear and ammo
Solus: so, a medium jet should be fine, what model do we want?
R.O.V.E.R.: oh, and 16500lbs in roombas
*silence*
Solus: so, how about a cargo ship?

Solus: HALO jump from the ISS?
Eric: yes!
John: oh god yes!
R.O.V.E.R: how bout we play it safe and airdrop from a plane with an improvised fission reactor?
John: *sigh* fine.:smallfrown:

R.O.V.E.R.: Ivan, call all agents, tell them to, quote, "watch this you pansys". exact words.
Ivan: calling all agents...

Ivan: *puts on redshirt*
Ivan: cap'n, we have incoming!

John: R.O.V.E.R., act as a point defense cannon!
R.O.V.E.R.: how about an *angle* defense cannon

GM: rocks fall, nobody dies.

John: we don't use nanites, we use roombas.
R.O.V.E.R.: think of them as macro-nanites

R.O.V.E.R.: basically, Solus is the key to all our versatility and/or 'splosives.
Solus: same concept.

Solus: it was a "facilitated self-destruct"

John: Henderson to command, alpha team reporting, enemy down.
Command: command to Henderson, nice work. but epsilon team just took down the boss, incursion over.
John: FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!:smallfurious:
R.O.V.E.R.: R.O.V.E.R. to command, sending images. It's the enemy that individually nuked half the major cities in the US within 5 minutes. we shot it down.
*beat*
Command: it... it only counts as one. :smalleek:

Solus: so, what's the weirdest equipment request we've sent to accounting?
R.O.V.E.R.: either 2401 Roombas, or the Mojavi dessert.

R.O.V.E.R.: so, when this is done, wanna become warlords of the radioactive ruins of the United Sta-
John: YES.

=========================


This marks the end of Reality Bites: Explosions are Magic. may it forever be jerry-rigging C4 in campaign heaven.

[Sartharina]

This marks the end of Reality Bites: Explosions are Magic. may it forever be jerry-rigging C4 in campaign heaven.

The quotes from this campaign were awesome. Long live R.O.V.E.R!

[Erik Vale]

...
I feel it's a sad day when the most insane person is the only one with a moment of clarity [Rover with the jump].

Also, Macronanites? Really?

[Ionbound]

PC 1: Why would [PC 1] be a bigger target than [PC 2]? They're both Psychic.
GM: ...really? You think it's because he's psychic? Nothing else about him? Like, say...the fact that he's a ****ing banquet of negative emotion right now?

[CKirk]

The quotes from this campaign were awesome. Long live R.O.V.E.R!


...
I feel it's a sad day when the most insane person is the only one with a moment of clarity [Rover with the jump].

Also, Macronanites? Really?

I thank you for your enjoyment of my campaign :P

[Sith_Happens]

DM: "Make a sound check, I mean listen check."
Player: "If I could bring my other character in for a second then oh boy could I make a sound check."

DM: [*rolls d20 in a tin, opens tin*] "It's spinning!"
DM and Player 1: *stare at spinning d20 for close to a minute*
Player 2: "SO THIS IS A DREAM."

DM: "There are seagulls screeching outside the windows."
PC: "I attempt to strangle one."

"[NPC] disappears in a puff of logic."

PC 1: "I hear a yell."
PC 2: "Then from somewhere else you hear 'MY LEG!'"
PC 3: "'MY CABBAGES!'"

"I'm making my Dedicated Wright look like the DM, except purple and with wings that don't work."

"Can I just stab him multiple times and pour salt in the wound?"
"You could stick salt to the knife. With dried lemon juice."

"What emotion would I most associate this behavior with?"
"Hunger. FOR BRAINS."

"I set off on my sled-dog-pulled Zamboni."

DM: "The house is covered in walls."
Player 1: "As are most houses."
DM: "I mean surrounded by walls."
Player 2: "As are most houses."
DM: "...I mean outside walls."
Player 1: "Most inside walls correspond to outside walls."
DM: "He has a moat now, are you happy!?"
[Beat]
Player 2: "As do most houses."

Player 1: "His name is now 'Yee.'"
DM: "What? No, that's a terrible idea."
Player 2: "I like it."

"Hm, play D&D or argue about Disney canon? Definitely Disney canon."

"[My character] also smells kind of crazy."
"How do you smell crazy?"

DM: "Meanwhile, you are on the road."
PC 1: "--To Viridian City!"
PC 2: "There had better be a place called Viridian City that I'm going to."
PC 1: "I thought you were heading for your carriage."
PC 2: "My carriage is now called 'Viridian City.'"

[Ninjaxenomorph]

"I woulda killed 'im if he hadn't been dead!"

[Diachronos]

How did I forget to put this up here?!

DM: "Okay, the guard drops."
P1: "Is there anybody else threatening me?"
DM: "No."
P1: "The guy in front of me is dead?"
DM: "Yeah."
P1: "....I eat him."
DM: *Staring at P1* "....Okay?!"

[WarKitty]

"I'll scalp your baby!"

[Illogictree]

"Great, I've had my first conversation on this unknown alien planet, and it was with a stick."

[Senshi Akai]

Minion: "Sir, the Temple has been destroyed by... A pizza delivery company. :smalleek: "
BBEG: "Damn, not again!"

[Inevitability]

Me: Make a Persuasion check.
Player: I don't need Persuasion! I'm rich!

[Hbgplayer]

"That bastard! He's killed the orphans!"

[ZeroGear]

Jack Rabbit: “Oh god, we’re going to have to talk to the rainbow goth again.”

Mellor: “Her attitude was generally cheerful and helpful.”
Jack Rabbit: “I have a general worry towards people who nickname their killbots ‘cuddles’.”
Mellor: “A personal choice.”

DM: “I’m guessing you’re not going for a physical meeting this time?”
Mellor: “No, best not.”

Jack Rabbit: “Does [the negative quality ‘Punster’] give me any extra points?”
DM: “No, it doesn’t.”
Jack Rabbit: “Did you just make that up?”
DM: “Yes, I did. It’s a pun-ishment.”

Natasha: “Spirits…manifested…doing stuff.”

Mellor: “So, The Raven’s in the Matrix, right?”
DM: “In the car, in the matrix.”
Mellor: “Ah.”
DM: “That’s why your ringtone occasionally changes to varieties of death-metal.”

Mellor: “Up the stairs?”
Jack Rabbit: “Up the stairs.”

DM: “The Raven wants the Sasquatch corpse. She just wants to take it home and call it ‘Sassy’.”

Natasha: “I think I should make [the focus] a belt. It’s a lot less obtrusive than a purple suit.”
DM: “Little do people know that purple is the sneakiest color. It’s not like you’ve ever seen a purple army before, have you?”

DM: “You [Mellor] successfully resist the urge to destroy the TV with [Jack Rabbit].”

DM: “Now that movie-related murder has been taken off the table…”

Ivan: “Ivan wants you to show I’van’s cousin a good time.”

Mellor: “I have Athletics, I can dance.”

DM: “Wow, this is actually H.E.”
Jack Rabbit: “What?”
DM: “High Explosive. This is going to get loud.”
Jack Rabbit OOC: “You guys are going to see this on the news.”
Natasha OOC: “We’re watching ‘Ocean’s 32’.”

[DigoDragon]

Lupina: "I thought I had Mono once. Turns out I was just really bored."

Waitress: "What do you want?"
Stealth: "I'd like some flapjacks and bacon."
Waitress: (Yelling to the kitchen) "Bob, three sheets of cardboard and some imitation dog!"

GM: "You see a 12-foot suspended NAV-Sat receiver dish suspended inside the store to pick up cable."
Stealth: "Isn't that technically illegal?"
Store Clerk: "I'm not going to miss my pornos!"

Lupina: "Wait, why would the Bank President care about meeting us? He has the gold and the insurance money for it. Does he reckon we know something and wants to eliminate the smart ones?"
Jewels: "That leaves me out."
Stealth: "Me too."

GM: "The clown gets out a grenade, writes 'Big Bad Wolf' on it, sticks it to the garage door-"
Lupina: "And there goes the security deposit."

GM: "The grenade has no blast range listed."
Dwarf: "It starts at 12P damage and reduces one per meter distance, 11P, 10P, etc."
Lupina: "You keep expanding the range until the blast damage runs out of P."
Stealth: "Yes, yes it does. Unless it's Jewels' dog."
Jewels: "Leave Princess out of this!"

GM: "You wake up in someone else's bed, fully clothed."
Lupina: "Well that musta been a boring party."

Butler: "Can you prance?"
Lupina: "Uh, my barn door never swung that way, but if I have to-"
Stealth: "I think he means, can you strut around stage like a show horse."
Lupina: "OH. Uh... yeah, I guess I could do that."

[Hunter Noventa]

DM: If you want, he can spend the rest of eternity flying through space, drinking and killing space outsiders. Or you guys could be squares and go pick him up.

Amazing. That's the best thing. As is your signature image, where did it come from?

[zilvar]

DM: You see a desicated body sitting in the chair. The air in the room is rancid with age.
Bindi: I check his pockets!
DM: The body crumbles into fine powder. You did manage to find what appears to be some kind of firearm.
Party: (stares at Bindi accusingly)
Bindi: But I got his stuff!

[Shnezz]

"How many hitpoints does that tower have?"

"You mean the entire tower?"

"Well, more specifically, any one side. I don't need to get all the way through to topple it."

[Dasgovernator]

PC1: "No officer I swear, the skeletons were already dancing when I got here!"

PC1: "No one will expect Surprise Acid Pool Ogre!"
PC2: "I think that's a fair statement"

DM: "A Metal Chest falls down the hole. Its locked"
PC3: "I try to pick the lock *starts to roll"
DM: "A few seconds later, a key falls down the hole"
PC3: ". . . Why am I even here?"

PC1: "So we have a Five Nights at Freddy's magic item?"

PC2: "I don't think these lizards have the degrees in Civil Engineering necessary"

PC1: "Is there a member of the royal family within kidnapping range?"

PC4: "Kidnapping is a remarkably effective way to build your army"

PC1: "Shell Game it. We'll have 3 Giant Pillars of glowing flame and they have to figure out which one is the real one"

PC3: "The only people I've killed are the ones I knocked unconscious and left on the rooftops, who slowly slid of the edge and fell to their deaths. Inconsiderate jerk ass"

NPC: "He's a Duke. He's an idiot"
PC1: "Dukes usually are"

PC4: "F****** mind-reading pixies man"

PC1: "That's on the to-do-list then. Finding something that bleeds lightning and stab it"

PC1: "How do we collect lighting?"
PC3: "In a bottle?"
PC1: "How do you collect it in a way that is not a metaphor"

DM: "Lets say this: things happen. You do stuff. Its now 3 hours later"

PC1: "He's good at organizing . . . dirty things"
PC3: "So he's a pimp?"
PC1: "No he's a master criminal! I'm trying to say that in a way that doesn't attract a lot of attention in the middle of a LG city!"

PC3: "That's what our group does. We over-think things, then we overreact to it, then we kill everything in the room, and then we run away"

DM: "You don't know what it's weak to"
PC1: "I'm sure they're weak to senseless murder. Most things are"

PC1: "Random Nymph squad. Did not see that coming"

PC4: "I got a 31 on my climb check. I literally run up the tree"
PC1: "You're a lizard with claws. You probably could"

PC1: "Cats versus Dinosaurs! The ultimate battle!"

[Beacon of Chaos]

DM: "The animated tree moves towards you. Bard, it's your turn."
Bard: "I'd like to make a perform check."
DM: "To do what?"
Bard: "I want to act like a tree and blend in."
DM: "I thought you were going to say 'act like a tree and leave' for a second there."

[bulbaquil]

P4: "Also, the recent level filled my basic spellbook."
P6: "I didn't do anything to it!"
P4: "No, it filled my spellbook. It now has all 100 pages."

P5: "I'm a RANGER. *RANGE*-r. I attack from range. It's not 'Two-Weaponer.'"

P6: "I rolled a 4."
P5: "You have a diary written in a language you don't know."
P3: "It's written in Vegepygmy."
GM: "Vegepygmy. It's literally scratch-and-sniff."

P5: "When are we going to fight the three-headed gelatinous tarrasque?"

GM: "You may call me Bragda."
P1: "Bragda, that's kind of a barbarian name."
P2: "Let's see if we have an Aunt Bragda!"

P5: "We were assaulted by two."
P1: "Don't you mean 'we assaulted two'?"
P5: "I was verbally assaulted by one."

P3: "I roll a Perception check to see if [character's girlfriend] is there. 18... 19 if she's a trap.
Group: *bursts out laughing*
P6: "She's always a trap!"

P5: "I have ten +1 cold iron arrows, I have three +2 arrows, two +1 animal-bane arrows, and three +1 arrows. 35 cold iron arrows, and 92 arrows.
P3: "And a partridge in a pear tree."

P4: "Well, now you have seven weapons. If we give you a certain Equip Spell card, you get an extra attack."

P3: "Gravity does not have 'Favored Enemy: Fey.' "

[Sith_Happens]

P3: "I roll a Perception check to see if [character's girlfriend] is there. 18... 19 if she's a trap.
Group: *bursts out laughing*
P6: "She's always a trap!"

*takes 2d6 pun damage*

[Rallicus]

Warlock: "I want to play a game, of course! Just because I'm headless doesn't mean I can't have fun!"

Barbarian: "Hallo, Sparklebutt"

Ranger: "Guys....

It has a note in common

Do...not...open...

I'm going to open it...."

[DigoDragon]

Stealth: "Why did you get put on the Love Boat?"
Lupina: "Because the space under the bus was full."

GM: "The TV news startles you awake."
Lupina: "Uh? What? Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel."
GM: "Double B... or maybe a C?"
Lupina: "Those aren't even close to being vowels."

GM: "The only Disney connection you can see is a mural with Ariel roasting over a spit."
Stealth: "I'm going to have to reevaluate my opinion of this place." :D

Stealth: "You know it's a bad situation when going back to Seattle seems like a good idea."

Stealth: "I did welcome the dwarf to the team when she said she wanted to shoot Elves. (Shrug) Can't think of why..."
Lupina: "Because she's tall enough to protect your nads with her thick skull?"

Stealth: "We're carrying the humor. Kinda like Sonny and Cher, 'cept I'm not lame ... or dead."
Lupina: "You probably wanted to use a better analogy, particularly one that doesn't involve celebrities that appeared on an episode of Scooby Doo."
Stealth: "We don't know each other well enough to be Gomez and Morticia."
GM: "Who also appeared on Scooby Doo."

[Madfellow]

NPC: Now if you don't mind, I'm just going to take a few hundred steps outside the blast radius.

[Dunsparce]

Amazing. That's the best thing. As is your signature image, where did it come from?

Thorlorf is a crazy character. He was originally a human, but thanks to a Wish he became like a megaman/robocop hybrid with a solid gold beard and is basically a construct without any of the downsides(he really needed the boost to keep up with my Paladin and the team Cleric/Ordained Champion power-wise). We're level 16 right now, and all four of his favored enemies are Outsiders of all four alignments. He bring a lot of humor into the campaign.

Also my Signature is taken from a comic that spoofs persona 4 and other normally serious games in the best ways(unfortunately it stopped updating). Google "Hiimdaisy" and get ready to laugh.

[GrayGriffin]

<???> "Of course. I am a mushroom. I'd rather not be eaten though. I am quite poisonous."

<Mrs. Bliss> "Either I've gone mad or magic really does run in the family."

<Fern> "Grandmother? Is that what a Mother evol- er... grows up into?"

[flame12]

P1: Help me spend 48 exp!
P2: Help me spend my 12!
P4: Help me find out how many I have!

P1: Guys! If I up my flight speed now, I’m essentially a space ship!

P2: We have schrodingers base!

P4: Please don’t make the artifact of Zeus a screwdriver!

GM: There’s a second group targeting one of your warehouses-
P2: Police officers or terrorists?

GM: If you trust the police.
P4: Doomed! Doomed! Doomed!

P3 to P4: Who or what god did you piss off?
GM: Ultron.

[Super Evil User]

As explained in this (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?384500-Alignment-help-Paladins-and-poison-plots-oh-my!)thread (important parts here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=18438422&postcount=37) and here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=18438659&postcount=40)), my Chaotic Good wizard Thomas Therin was confronted with a classic moral quandary in our campaign. He was given the choice between being directly responsible for the deaths of a few innocents and being indirectly responsible for the deaths of countless more in the foreseeable future. Complicating the matter was the issue of his friend, dwarven factotum Thrormir Thunderfist, who was pressing him on.

This was his response to everything:


…so this is it, huh? I wave my hands, cast a spell and everything magically goes away. All our struggling, all our pain…it all ends here, with this. The tower crumbles, and the Ebonmar dynasty dies. Even Christoff…

If this place collapses, he’ll be the first to die. The son, punished for the sins of his father. Is that right? Is that just?

[Thrormir: That doesn’t matter! The city’s at stake! We can’t sacrifice the lives of countless others for the lives of a few!]

Ever since I was born, I was taught that I had that right. That if it presented some benefit, I could sacrifice life – sacrifice lives - at a whim. No matter the reason, it’s the same here as it was in Thay, or anywhere else. We mortals were never given rightful rule over the lives of others, no matter the reason. To cast the spell – to knowingly sacrifice another for any reason – would be to condone everything that I have spent my life standing against.

[Thrormir: Thomas, it’s a choice. You doom everyone inside this tower, or you doom everyone outside of it. This has nothing to do with you.]

Don’t you see? It has everything to do with me. It doesn’t matter if we never tell anyone; it’s what it’ll do to me that’ll count. If I start down the path of darkness that I left behind again, there won’t be any stopping me anymore.

I cannot, will not and will never sacrifice the life of an innocent for any sort of benefit, whether it is for my sake or for the sake of others. I cannot go through with this.

[Silence]

…Thrormir, I’m sorry. People of this city, I’m sorry. Maybe I’m selfish for upholding my own morality above the greater good, but if selflessness means killing innocents then I’m through with that. I know I’m a disappointment.

[DigoDragon]

Stealth: "I prefer to fight things that are dumber than I."
GM: "Short list."

GM: "Its a paper file, old and antiquated."
Lupina: "Just like some of Stealth's friends."

Eli: "Apparently the rigger has a bunch of new drone toys to play with."
Stealth: "I liked the dwarf when he was just doing the dog."
Party: *Awkward silence*
Stealth: "That didn't come out right."

GM: "You'll be staying at this Outhouse. It's a posh five-room building."
Stealth: *Dies laughing*
Lupina: "I feel like I should poop diamonds to be worthy here."
GM: "Er, I meant to say an outDOOR house. A GUESThouse."
Stealth: "Too late, you ain't living that one down."
Lupina: "Behold, the five-room Commode!"
Eli: "I bet it has an indoor swimming pool!" :D
Stealth: "Two of them in fact. With swirlies!"
GM: *Face palm*

GM: "No one noticed that all my faerie dragons had the same naming scheme."
Peanut Gallery: "I noticed. Unfortunately."
Stealth: "We know they're all based on Reginald Bartholomew and a number."
Lupina: "See GM, we did notice. The thing was, is that we don't particularly care."
GM: "...thanks."

Stealth: "If we're lucky, there might be a rescue party. If we're VERY lucky, there might be something left to rescue."

Fox: "I'll take the back door."
Lupina: "Are you armed?"
Fox: "I have a light pistol."
Lupina: "Okay, you're not armed. Stealth, you take the back door."

Hummer: *Fender pops off the vehicle and stuns the soldier adjacent to it*
Lupina: *Takes down the stunned soldier with a Lightning Bolt*
Stealth: (Pats the Hummer) "Good girl."
Lupina: "Where's my recognition?"
Fox: "Well your boob didn't pop out and hit the guy."
Lupina: "That's a darned car fender, not a breast!"
Stealth: "But it came out of the car's bra."
Fox: "Yeah, have you ever tried to slap someone with your rack?"
Lupina: "I can't say the idea has crossed my mind. EVER."

GM: "There's a guy selling flash-bang grenades, but he's just standing in the corner with a 6-pack of Bud Light."
Stealth: "As long as it's long-n-cylindrical, right?"

GM: "The hospital mailed all the dead body's stuff to the funeral home."
Lupina: "That don't make any sense."
GM: "I've lost a lot of stuff at hospitals."
Lupina: "Granted, but I reckon nothing of yours got mailed to a funeral home."
GM: "Because I haven't died yet."
Lupina: "Yeah, that's obvious."
GM: "So all the dead body's things are now at the funeral home."
Lupina: "How am I losing this argument?"

[Illogictree]

"How can you breathe without your pants on?"

[Sith_Happens]

"It's okay, we can use his [synonym for 'rooster']."

"Who just went?"
"Cleveland. I mean Cecil."
"What?"

Player 1: "Your mom is boring."
Player 2: "My mom is dead."
Player 1: "Exactly. Can't be very interesting when you're six feet under now can you?"
Player 3: "That's not insensitive at all."

"We're just going to milk these ['hole' puns] for all they're worth, aren't we?"

Player 1: "[Formians] are definitely still made partly of meat, the meat just happens to be made of pure Law is all."
Player 2: "That's a good question, what does Law taste like?"
DM: "Courtrooms, meetings, and stodginess."
Player 3: "So it tastes like old white men."
DM: "Yes."

DM: "Incidentally, any hallway you haven't been through yet might have traps."
PC: "That's why from now on we're rubbing the cat on the floor ahead of us."

[Male] PC: "I hug everyone in turn, including the minotaurs."
DM: "One of them tells you where to meet him to take things a little further, if you so wish."
PC: "Why is it always me!?"

[ZeroGear]

Natasha: “Natasha will be playing ‘Pokemon: Orichalcum’.”

Mellor: “Guess we really need to talk to [Orpheus].”
Jack Rabbit: “He’s a necessary Evil, like politicians.”

Jack Rabbit: “Oh god, Rainbow Goth is going to have to talk to Mass Murderer Man.”

GM: “The instructions to meet him can only be described as the summoning requirements for summoning El Diabolo, the Motorcycle wielding Satan.”

Mellor: “He is completely trustiest worthy. Like a mother bear when you’re standing between it an it’s child.” (Said completely deadpan).

Mellor: “So while [Jack Rabbit] is being a distraction…”
Jack Rabbit: “You mean acting as bait!”
Mellor: “No, no, just causing a distraction.”
Jack Rabbit: “What do you want me to do? Dress in drag and do the hula?”

GM: “The bathroom is not out in the middle of the street, so he can’t literally crap on people.”
Mellor: “That is something a dragon would do.”
GM: “No, not really.”
Jack Rabbit, Natasha, & Mellor: “Yes.”
GM: “Yes, yes he would.”

Natasha: “If you guys are done yelling at me about summoning spirits, maybe I can summon an Acid spirit to dissolve [dead NPC’s] body and flush it down the toilet.”

Mellor: “There might be more fire spirits in the server room.”
Jack Rabbit: “I hate you all.”
GM: “He is like an inverse moth.”
Jack Rabbit: “I hate you all.”
Mellor: “Fire is drawn towards him, and away form us.”
Jack Rabbit: “I hate you all.”

Jack Rabbit: “I find it a little unnerving that a kill-happy lunatic knows our address.”
Mellor: “This is why we stay on the good side of the…”
Jack Rabbit: “Mass Muderers?”
Orpheus: “Hey, I’m not a mass murderer.”
Jack Rabbit: “Sorry, I mean kill-happy cyber terrorist.”
Orpheus: “That’s better.”

Mellor's Boss Marvin: "What did you do?"

[Note: The las one was in regards to the program Orpheus has us install Black-Hammerring over 50 people at the cyber agentry we infiltrated. We had NO IDEA that's what the program did]

[DigoDragon]

Stealth: "I hate this mouse. I try putting the computer to sleep, but it won't stay off."
Lupina: "So it's like a toddler?"

GM: "She says 'follow me' and then she follows you down the stairs."
Stealth: "Wait, which is it? Follow her or follow us?"

Lupina: *Leaves a funeral home with an urn*
Fox: "Did you pick up an old friend?"
Lupina: "No, the lines at McDonalds were too long so I got Taco Bell. Here's your sign."

Dark Angel: "I shoot them and fix us."
Fox: "Please don't ever be dyslexic."

GM: "You smell what you perceive as steak."
Lupina: "Mmm... steak."
GM: "You arrive at the funeral home and see that it's on fire."
Lupina: "Oh... that's not... a cow kind of steak. Eww..."

Ghost: "I go around the back door. What type of lock does it have?"
GM: "The old fashion key-type of lock."
Ghost: "Excellent, a retro challenge of simplicity."
Dark Angel: "Please, how are your maglock toys and electronic gizmos going to break that?"
Ghost: *Gets out a set of basic lockpicks and easily unlocks the door*

Fox: "Check the lobby."
Ghost: "For what?"
Dark Angel: "For the data discs we're locating."
Ghost: "Why would important stuff be left in the lobby?"
Dark Angel: "For easy access."
Ghost: "The toilet is easy access, but no one puts a disc drive in that. By the way, if they did would be be called a data dump?"
Stealth: *Slaps Ghost in the back of the head*

GM: "Lupina, you walk into the hotel room and see Ghost asleep on a chair. His face is covered in marker kanji."
Lupina: "Uh, what the hell happened to him?"
Dark Angel: "He was too easy a victim, I had to Jiggly Puff his face."
Lupina: "I hope you don't plan on telling him, because he's going to Jiggly murder you in your sleep."

GM: "You see three doors. One says bathroom, one says office-"
Ghost: "The goat! I want the goat!"
Stealth: *Takes a step away from Ghost*

[IZ42]

DM: Salsa happens.

DM: I don't know how, but you punch the Behir to death.

Me: So what anyone standing outside would see is a monk looking completely terrified run out of between the paws of a giant stone lion carrying 7 rabbits and a bear, similarly terrified, right behind him?
DM: Yup.
Player(who got rabbitized): If I weren't so lazy, I would draw this.
We were playing a RHoD game in pathfinder. The first quote involved the party barbarian and two hobgoblin casters. The second quote, I (as a monk with vow of poverty mind you), punched a behir to death, despite its DR. The third quote was due to the wizard angering the Lich we were talking to, and the bard being transformed into a rabbit and casting mirror image, leading to me running out of the place holding 7 rabbits because I didn't know which one was real. :smallcool:

[Debatra]

(bored, casually) "She basically threatened to kill you. She does that."

[Sallera]

"Must every bloody academic in Khorvaire speak in riddles? And allow me to apologize, dwarf; every critique I've made of your social skills - gods, of Shard's - pales in comparison to what I might say about that pint-sized little bookworm. Well, at least we know we're probably going to be able to open the door to wherever we're going. We probably won't die doing it, either. My sense of relief could fill oceans."

[Kid Jake]

I found this quip when I was cleaning out my notes from an old Pokemon game:

Player 1: "So we're like 10, right? Does that mean we have to go to school?"
Player 2: "No, I'm pretty sure buying plastic Pokeballs out of the back of a comic book disqualifies us from further education."

[gom jabbarwocky]

[The results of a listen check are in:]
GM: Okay, Faye, hears nothing. Victor, you overhear a series of loud crashes. Rusty, you hear what sounds exactly like a perfect cube of fifteen hundred pounds of solid gold being dropped through thirty floors of a building.

[Rater202]

Yes, that is the point of wondering if the wizard we know can cast spells to make them.

[Dasgovernator]

PC1: "Dispel Reality is unfortunately not a spell"

PC1: "I Should have gotten a Masterwork giant f****** Hammer"

PC1: "We don't have friends. We have business partners"

PC3: "He has Skill Focus: Craft (Broken Bodies)"

PC1: "I'm Imagining a scene like Popeye, except that instead of Spinach it's elf bodies"

PC1: "So you would be fast, if you were fast"

PC1: "Fine, we'll stop trying to save the disposable NPCs"

PC1: "Unholy Steam. It really brings out the Henchman's villainous complexion"

PC2: "A Giant Green Glowing Pillar of Skulls in the middle of the Jungle. Yeah, that's not going to attract any attention. We basically just put up the adventurer equivalent of a bug zapper"

GM: "No, I'm mostly just too lazy to change it. The Firetrucks are staying"

PC1: "It's like you're in an abusive relationship. . . . You are actually come to think of it. Enchantment magic tends to do that"

PC1: "Channels cost channels. Go figure"

PC2: "Man, our boss is an *******"

PC1: "Did we just accidentally invent magical C4?"

PC4: "Turns out you can't find quality soldiers in an orphanage. Go figure"

PC3: "Damn, I felt that burn from all the way out here"
PC1: "Not me. I have Resist Fire and Wit 5"

PC3: "What's the DC on Craft(Internet)?"

[Forrestfire]

"Symbolism is racist."

[Inevitability]

"Freeing the prisoner is simple. We'll sneak into the enemy camp, knock out some guards, untie him, and moonwalk outside."

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Under the catgirl contest flyer is a want ad to haul in 3 tons of milk to the event."
Ghost: "Just serve them all a White Russian. Hold the vodka, hold the liquor."

Lupina: "Why would a catgirl costume contest sound interesting to me?"
GM: "First place gets 10,000 nuyen cash."
Lupina: "Meow!"

Stealth: "He has Donald Trump's kind of sophistication. Eats pizza with a fork."
Ghost: *GASP!*

Lupina: *Throws a Ziploc full of crayons on the table*
GM: "What's that, a nickel bag of wax? Oooh, Dark Umbra! Mmmm..."

GM: "Shockingly enough, the dwarf is actually a cute red-head. The horror is that she's only 14."
Ghost: "Cool, I like dating older women."
Darkangel: *Gib-slaps Ghost*

Fox: "The wireless systems are down. You may have to use landlines for your data search."
Ghost: "Landlines?" (cracks knuckles) "How quaint."

Lupina: "Wait, Ghost actually has a girlfriend?"
Stealth: "I guess he shattered that stereotype."
Darkangel: "Guys, he nuked it from orbit."

[braveheart]

GM: the female grunts will be acting before you, and the male ones after
P1: *pointing at the map* how do we tell which ones are male and which ones are female?
GM: well you see the female grunts in addition to being wo-
P2: How do we tell the difference between the male and female glass beads
GM: Oh...



P1: hey look another sweeper, how do I always get these ones?


P1: Lets see, that's 59 damage before dice, is it dead?
GM: yes

P3: I punt the joltic
GM: it flies into the wall lets out an adorable squeal and faints.

[DigoDragon]

P1: Lets see, that's 59 damage before dice, is it dead?
GM: yes

In my old group this never happens. They will always roll those dice regardless of the damage totals beforehand. :smallamused:

[cavalieredraghi]

How many times, do you think, a plan has been derailed because the Jokester in the Party didn't know an Abbott and Costello routine?

[Sith_Happens]

PC1: "Dispel Reality is unfortunately not a spell"

Are you sure? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81zpoFO6DzY):smallwink:

[Prince Raven]

In my old group this never happens. They will always roll those dice regardless of the damage totals beforehand. :smallamused:

Same, I think people are hoping the dice will come up with negatives.

[the OOD]

P1: Lets see, that's 59 damage before dice, is it dead?
GM: yes


In my old group this never happens. They will always roll those dice regardless of the damage totals beforehand. :smallamused:


this was always the unspoken rule, untill:

GM: so how, exactly, do you "have this covered"?
John & R.O.V.E.R.: *look at each other, then grin*
R.O.V.E.R.: a belt-fed rocket launcher with a 2-pound charge of enhanced plastic explosives in every rocket, forty rockets per turn, every tenth rocket contains a 2-pound flashbang as a "tracer round". oh, and modular technology so it can be mounted to my chassis while still allowing for human operation by, for example, John.
Keldrim::smalleek:
Solus::smalleek:
Eric::smalleek:
John::biggrin:
GM::smalleek:
John: *shoots down spaceship*
140 dice per rocket x 40 rockets = 5600 dice
ain't nobody got that many d6s. (do you? if so, brag about it to me!)

we used a dice rolling program in the end.


EDIT: (140 dice per rocket x 36 rockets) + (flashbangs) = 5040 dice + (pemenent retinal and auditory damage)
EDIT EDIT: still NOT ENUFF DAKKA!!!

[vasharanpaladin]

"...Yeah, that's right. He punched a guy in the balls so hard that he exploded."

[Milodiah]

That reminds me...

Very end of a Call of Cthulhu scenario, and the party was literally chatting with a very amiable avatar of Nyarlathotep. Since the PCs had accidentally furthered his plan, he gave them all one wish apiece...

Cue the party dumbass wishing for "all the knowledge in the universe".

1000000d6 sanity loss.

We tried to roll it.

The dice program crashed the GM's computer.

[Jormengand]

From PARAGON (though it doesn't really matter): Andy the Divine Champion (Kinda paladin), Mr Macguffin the Necromancer Mage, Yztulka the Marauder (Rogue) and Goblinface the Ascetic (Monk).

Mr MacGuffin: Hello, fellow evil people! I hope you don't mind us coming in here and being evil with you.
Bar full of criminals: *Looks up, returns to what they were doing*

Arbiter: The assassin loves Yztulka too much to attack her, so she attacks Goblinface instead
Yztulka: God damn it, I'm not a lesbian.
Arbiter: Fine, the assassin attacks Yztulka.

Andy: So I'll bleed in in 30 rounds?

Arbiter: So, let me get this straight, you just went from Eisenhafen to Eisenhafen?
Mr Macguffin: Ehh. WE have zombie bears now, so it's fine.

Mr Macguffin: So can I raise Andy as a skeleton if he dies?

Andy: So the governor takes off his mask, and he is taxes.
Mr Macguffin: TAXES!

Yztulka: So, am I hidden from him?
Arbiter: No, he's RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

Yztulka: SNEAK ATTACK
Arbiter (Under breath) It's called "Shadow Strike."

Yztulka: What happened to the pillar?
Andy: Oh, I moved it because I couldn't see past.



And a completely separate game of PARAGON:

John: I roll to [make love to] her.
Arbiter: Take an Operate Siege Weapon check.

[Valefor Rathan]

EDIT EDIT: still NOT ENUFF DAKKA!!!

GM - You what?
P1 - We strap the orbital ion cannon underneath and rig up an independent engine to it
P2 - Yup, no power loss from firing, so we can still dodge
P1 - Here's the costs and such
P3 - You can't do that.
P4 (Me) - Well sure with that attitude.
GM - ...and the blockade is no more...

[DigoDragon]

"I'm concerned that our group friendship is getting TPK'd by a slice-is-life episode."

[Sith_Happens]

John: I roll to [make love to] her.
Arbiter: Take an Operate Siege Weapon check.

...I think I'm actually going to have to ask for context on this one (though obviously spoiler it).:smalleek:

[GPuzzle]

"What are you carrying in that coffin?"
"My mother-in-law."
"Carry on."

[Loxagn]

Monk: "I am afraid you are not welcome here."
Witch: "What? Why? We've done nothing wrong."
Monk: "As long as you walk with that thing among you, you will not enter this holy place."
Wendigo: "What, Vic? He's just an orc. Pretty much harmless."

[DigoDragon]

Wizard: "Why are you letting him write? He's left-handed. Writes like a spazzing doctor."
Cleric: "I'm also left-handed."
Wizard: "I'm sooooo sorry."


Bard: "Please don't black hole, Gear. That's gonna suck."

[Super Evil User]

Just now, from my Ravenloft campaign:

Player: I get so frustrated that I pull down my pants and **** the nearest chicken to death.

Me: ...Make a Powers check.

Player: There's nothing in the rulebook that says...

Me: Make. A Powers check.

[ZeroGear]

Just now, from my Ravenloft campaign:

Player: I get so frustrated that I pull down my pants and **** the nearest chicken to death.

Me: ...Make a Powers check.

Player: There's nothing in the rulebook that says...

Me: Make. A Powers check.

I suspect Fowl Play here.

(Common, someone had to make that joke, it was a gimme!)

[GPuzzle]

*DM drops 3 players to negative HP in a single round*
DM: "It's like that Queen song! Another one bites the dust!"

[AmewTheFox]

Here are some from a PTU game I'm running:

Medic:"I roll to Charm the door." *rolls high*
GM(Me): "The door is attracted to you, but is currently in a relationship with someone else, and doesn't want to make things awkward."

GM: "I can't believe you want to put LUCIFER the RULER OF THEY ABYSS into a POKEBALL."

GM:"Come ooonnn~, go into the danmaku field, it's fun! You'll only get shot."

GM:"This Matador was frozen, poisoned, lifted, confused, paralyzed, and I'm pretty sure has five injuries."

And lastly,

GM(as important NPC):"[The Psychic Musician]'s mother was not a fool. She was only done in with concern for his dau..."
*Entire table breaks into laughter as the GM realizes what he just said*

[DigoDragon]

Ghost: "Quick, to the rental-mobile!"
GM: "Why do I see the 60's Batman scene cut with the Avis logo?"

GM: "It would suck if you got shot while peeing."
Stealth: "Well my day couldn't get any worse."

Fox: "Here's a thousand Nuyen. Take the day off to get what you'd like done."
Ghost: "Can we get into trouble?"
Fox: "No."
Stealth: "Do you even know how to get into trouble?"
Ghost: "For two thousand I can."
Fox: "No."

GM: "No one remembers past presidents. Washington was the first, then Lincoln, then G.W. Bush."
Stealth: "That's... a big jump in the list from Lincoln to Bush."
GM: "But you remember him! No one except Stealth would remember Richard Filmore."
Stealth: "Millard Filmore."
GM: "My point exactly!"

Lupina: *Looks at Ghost's french maid synthoid*
Ghost: "Wait... no."
Lupina: "Yes."
Ghost: "No."
Lupina: "Yes."
Ghost: "You're not putting Jessica in harm's way!"
Lupina: "No, I just need her clothes."
*Beat*
Deathangel: "Lupina, is there something you're not telling us?"
Lupina: "Nope."
Ghost: "Yes."
Lupina: "No."
Ghost: "Yes..."

Stealth: "Don't you have any dignity?"
Waitress: "No, I'm dressed as Tifa from Final Fantasy."

GM: "The lightning burned his chest hair off."
Lupina: "He's a professional swimmer. He had like, maybe two hairs!"

[Erth16]

During Character gen

Shiro: I want the power to cover the world in mayonnaise.
Director:...1 mm layer.

Shiro: I changed my plans, Shiro will have Astral projection and the spirit element. That was she can never leave the room, but be with the party in spirit.

Director: What's Shiro's wish?
Shiro: To become a professional NEET.
Director: What's her crisis?
Shiro: It's my money and I need it now.

Ky<uh(Pronounced Ky-Less-uh): I have the element of surprise, and the power of Rock.
Mayo Samurai: I have the power of telekinesis, and the element of uncomfortably warm mayo.
Director: Dare I ask, what are your wish and crisis?
Ky<uh: My wish is to Rock the world, my crisis is that Rock is dead.
Mayo: My wish is to soak the world in mayo, my crisis is that mayo is dead.

Director: Alright, what are your weapons.
Ky<uh: I wield magical bagpipes that shoot fire.
Mayo: I play the Didgeridoo that earthbends.
Shiro: I play the electric Carrilon.
Director: You guys are the worst rock band ever.

In game

Director: It's been a month since the mayo incident, where mayo rained from the sky and covered the entire world in an inch of mayo, nowadays everything is greasy, it only rains mayo, and all the saltwater has become mayo.

Director: You all leave your home in Gdansk to go on tour around Europe, as you've gotten the hang of this whole, fighting witches thing.
Shiro: I don't leave my room.
Director: But...how will you adventure?
Ky<uh: We buy a zeppelin and take Shiro's room with us.

Director: Alright, I don't know if Eurotruck sim let's me do this, but I'm going to try and drive from Gdansk to Toulouse, and whenever I crash, that's a random encounter.
Mayo: But how will you simulate the inch of mayo on the roads.

Director: around the Reichstag you see about a third of the population of Berlin gathered there.
Mayo: Wee land Shiro's room on the Reichstag.
Director: You try and land on a glass dome but fail miserably.

Shiro: I astral project myself in and take a left.
Director: You see a wall.
Ky<uh: Try a right.
Shiro: I try a right.
Director: You see a wall. You're in a hallway.

Shiro: I ask the secretary if there are any secret doors, you know things with a S , or maybe a thing with a
ß .
Director: She takes a book where the only thing written on it is ß's, and flips it upside down, putting it back in the bookshelf, a trap door reveals itself.
Ky<uh: Her you said there were no traps in here.

Director: You see four demonic dwarfs riding a demonic camel.
Ky<uh: I surprise them!
Director: You get two turns to start the fight then.

Ky<uh: I try to make them headbang themselves to death with the power of rock, then disintegrate the camel.

Mayo: I coat the ground under them in mayo, so that they slip and slide in the mayo.

Shiro: I'm only with you in spirit, so I supervise.

Director: Hey Shiro, what's the defense penalty for-
Shiro: The penalty for being on the ground covered in spiders is however high you think it needs to be.

Director: The last dwarf gets up and starts running away.
Mayo: I encase it in a ball of mayo.
Ky<uh: I boil the mayo.
Shiro: I throw up.
Director: Alright, you see the mayo start to bubble, then it starts to red and soon gets very dirty. You now have a nice hot bowl of MIM, or midgets in mayo. It calls for one part flesh, one part clothes, one part bones, one part guts, two parts blood, and 4 parts mayo.
Shiro throws up in real life.


Ky<uh: We play a concert for the people of Berlin.
Shiro: We open with a cover of wrecking ball.
Mayo and Ky<uh: We kick her out of the band.

[Marnath]

Director: The last dwarf gets up and starts running away.
Mayo: I encase it in a ball of mayo.
Ky<uh: I boil the mayo.
Shiro: I throw up.
Director: Alright, you see the mayo start to bubble, then it starts to red and soon gets very dirty. You now have a nice hot bowl of MIM, or midgets in mayo. It calls for one part flesh, one part clothes, one part bones, one part guts, two parts blood, and 4 parts mayo.
Shiro throws up in real life.

That's great, especially the last part. :smallamused:

[asnys]

snip

Now that sounds like a fun game! :smallbiggrin:

[Sith_Happens]

[Snip]

Based on what little I know about Nobilis, this sounds like Nobilis to me.

[Erth16]

Based on what little I know about Nobilis, this sounds like Nobilis to me.
I only know the name Nobilis and that it is an rpg so I probably know less about it than you.:smalltongue: My group mostly plays Pathfinder (What we started off playing), Magical Burst (We gave it a try as a joke and loved it), and Rogue Trader (We felt like it). Those were specifically from Magical Burst, which is for simulating magical girl anime for those who don't know.

[GorinichSerpant]

GM: "I can't believe you want to put LUCIFER the RULER OF THEY ABYSS into a POKEBALL."


Binding the top dog of Hell to your will is like the philosophers stone of all demonologists, many demons and most self respecting super villeins. Why wouldn't they want to do that?

[Sith_Happens]

Binding the top dog of Hell to your will is like the philosophers stone of all demonologists, many demons and most self respecting super villeins. Why wouldn't they want to do that?

And more importantly, what else are you supposed to do with a Pokeball?:smallconfused:

[DigoDragon]

GM: "It's a failed Ford... or Dodge... Dorge?"
Ghost: (In Coach Z voice) "Hey Strongbad, ya wanna go for a ride in my Dorge?"

Stealth: "There's strength in numbers."
Deathangel: "Yeah, you can smell it from here."

GM: "What's going over there?"
Stealth: "We're discussing how to make the attendants sick as a dog."
GM: "Have them try the veal?"

Mechanic: "Get the blowtorch, we're opening this lunchbox up."

GM: "Military Knowledge Check!"
Deathangel: "Two hits."
GM: "The horse for Reggie's statue has two legs up. Traditionally that means he was killed in action. Even though he's perfectly fine and having a party."
Deathangel: "Hahahaha!"
Ghost: "So what does it mean if the horse has three legs up?"
Stealth: "Landmine."

GM: "Dr. Rosenberg looks like a drow, but pitch black."
Lupina: "As opposed to what?"

Stealth: "I'll go as far as allowing colorful ponies to make appearances, but I will not be one of said ponies!"

Lupina: "Do I need a 20 foot pole to heal you now?"

[Rater202]

Bard: How did the bard suddenly become one of the normal ones?
Athlete:Welcome to Equestria

[Mutazoia]

GM: So your a troll?
[Troll]: Yes.
GM: Wearing bright yellow Golf Pants, and a plaid golf shirt?
[Troll]: Yes...with a cap.
Gm: Why?
[Troll]: So people won't wonder why I'm carrying around the golf bag.
GM: Why are you carrying around a golf bag!?
[Troll]: I hide my auto-cannon in there!

GM: Okay, you open the trunk to Sam's car. Inside you see the elf that was lobbing spells at you a few hours ago. Apparently she's hog-tied and naked, except for her panties and a red rubber ball-gag.
[Ork]: Uh...what?
Sam: (insert thick Scotish brogue) waste not want not laddie...*closes the trunk*

GM: In what universe does the troll wearing bright yellow golf pants and plaid golf shirt with cap, the dwarf with flaming red hair dressed like Yosamity Sam and hitting on passing girls with a thick Scotish brogue, and the transvestite ork in a hot pink bustier with matching thigh high combat boots hanging out in front of Starbaux Coffee look nonchalant?
P1: Dude....it's Venice Beach...if anything we look rather drab.
GM: ........ Sadly I cannot refute your logic.....
P2: You think I should wear the red sequin bustier instead?

[Troll]: (OOC) How much damage does the elf do?
GM: What...with magic or the pistol?
[Troll]: (OOC) No..the elf himself...how much damage does he do when he hits people?
GM: OH...hand to hand...about-
[Troll]: (OOC) NO...I pick him up by his ankles and hit the other elf over the head with him...how much damage does he do?

[DigoDragon]

GM: Why are you carrying around a golf bag!?
[Troll]: I hide my auto-cannon in there!

This is Shadowrun logic if I ever saw it. :smallbiggrin:

[the OOD]

DM: "It's like that Queen song! Another one bites the dust!"
my space opera game used it as the official "redshirt(s)" theme!
(later changed into the "crap, our ship blew up" theme, as a unanimous decision)

[Altrunchen]

DM: "You are now dual-wielding 2 five inch thick, ten foot high, bronze doors."

[Gnomes2169]

a honey badger man would have many desirable traits; determined, hardworking, doesn't give a **** that your boobs are uneven...

[Dasgovernator]

Val: "He's a level 1 middle manager. Whoopdy do"

Val: "So we're asking them to stand there and be all "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"? You do know that this usually means they die right?"

Victor: "Well given their back story, they might actually know Abyssal. It always helps to know what the enemy is saying"
Nerusk: "Yeah, but they're Demons. 'Oh look, he's screaming about how he's going to kill us all horribly. Just like the last guy'"
Val [fake shouting]: "The last guy was more eloquent. You need to step up your trash talk, you amateur"

Val: "I'm LE. Ripping off my co-conspirators is bad for business"

Val: "Did you write the instructions in Explosive Runes?"

Victor: "You kill it and then light it on fire"
Val: "No, no, it sets itself on fire. It's a trooper like that"

Val: "Isn't that the horse you're using to get into town? I don't know how inconspicuous you'll be riding around on a flaming black horse"

Nerusk: "The Riding Horse evolved into a Nightmare!"

Victor: "Don't roast marshmallows on my horse. It's rude"

Victor: "It doesn't matter if it can speak the language, it just has to understand the pass phrase phonetically. It could be 'Fluffy bunny rabbits' and it wouldn't make a difference."
Val: "That's the pass phrase we're using. Fluffy bunny rabbits. NO ONE will guess it"

Val: "You're trying to intimidate a T-Rex?"
Victor: "Of course. Its a free action for me"

Nerusk: "I cast Glitter dust. Ref Save DC 18"
DM: "He makes it. He's not blind"
Kamien: "He's just covered in glitter now"
Val: "Its a Shiny T-Rex! We need to capture it! Throw the master ball"

Val: "Sorry, I wasn't prepared to have to heal a Skeletal T-Rex"

[roko10]

"Who the hell do you think you are?!?"
"A gooooood-"

"Luckily enough for you, the kobolds that were sent to assasinate you are huge fans of hard rock. Roll for initiative."

[braveheart]

P2: "get over hear we need to form a bottleneck so they don't surround us"
P1: "BUT I DON'T HAVE A BOTTLE"


P1: to the dragon "If you let me take one of your babies with me he'll become really strong" awesome charm check
GM: "you recognize the response as a polite declination of your offer"

[bulbaquil]

P5: "Anytime anyone tries to magically get in your pants, you kill them."
P4: "So we need to kill [P3], then."
P5: "No, he doesn't magically do it."
P3: "What are you talking about? I just haven't learned Suggestion yet."

P4: "So long and thanks for all the fish."
P1, P5, P6: *continue the song from the Hitchhiker's Guide movie*

P1: "So I have the creature over there up in the tree... and I have this a****** over here."
GM: "You also have a twigjack."
P1: "No, that is the a******."

GM: "CUUUUUUUUBE!"

GM: "But can it get through the brambles?"
P6: "Yes, using my woodland stride! Wait, I'm not a druid!?"

P1: "So we've figured out he's falling, it's now he just needs to know what to do."
P2: "I cast Create Pit!"

[Sith_Happens]

P1: "So we've figured out he's falling, it's now he just needs to know what to do."
P2: "I cast Create Pit!"

http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20121215205341/fallout/images/0/08/Genius_meme.jpeg

[DigoDragon]

DM: "I have an acquaintance that made a successful boat out of concrete."

DM: "Terry, you make it to the beach. You're soaked, cold, and your cigarette's out."
Terry: (Tosses the wet cig, fishes out a dry one) "You said there's flaming wreckage everywhere?"
DM: "Yeah."
Terry: *Lights up using the flames*

Bront: "I found an Oscar academy award in my luggage."
Raven: "Yeah, for who?"
Bront: "Arch Hall Jr."

DM: "You find a crash kit with med supplies, trail mix, and a six-pack of glo-sticks."
Terry: "Oh great, now we can throw a ****ing rave."

Maxwell: "We're going back for the backpack and the key."
Terry: "I'll stay here." (Lights up a cigarette)
Maxwell: "Okay. If anything comes at you, cuss loudly and beat the crap out of it."
Terry: (Leans back) "Caaan Do!"

Raven: "Is there anything left of the gun turret?"
Bobby: "No, it's gone."
Terry: "I completely smashed it."
DM: "Quite efficiently I might add."

DM: "Bobby, you find a can of 'Homogeny Human Pet Food' - Egg Noodle & Meat Product flavor."
Bobby: "Uh, what kind of meat?"
Maxwell: "What kind of product?"

Bobby: "Terry is wielding a lead pipe and I'm wielding Terry, so what?"

Tiny Camposaurus: "Rrrup, ohriieh yii!"
Raven: "What did it say?"
Candy: "Dunno, but I think I feel vaguely insulted."

Maxwell: "Do we want to continue exploring?"
Bront: "Sure, so far this place is harmless."
Maxwell: "Harmless? Might I remind you of the bloody coat, dead bodies, and the smashed equipment?"
Bront: "Could be... a bear. Maybe the bear was after the vending machines. Besides, we got guns and the little dino makes a good distracting chicken nugget."
Camposaurus: "EH?!"

[KnotKnormal]

PC1: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you aren't allowed to back down from a challenge, correct?
Loki: Correct.
PC!: Well then, I officially challenge you.
PC2: what are you doing? You're going to lose
Loki: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Name your challenge
PC1: I challenge you to being mortal. The first to die wins. Loser is forced to live forever.
Everyone: .... That's actually kind of genius...

[Madfellow]

DM: Alright, what are you guys doing now?
P1: Heading out with the caravan, I guess.
P2: Yes, that seems like the wisest course of action.
DM: Wait. Someone just disappeared mysteriously in the middle of the night, and you're just going to let that slide?
P3: Um... no?

[Winds]

Shadowrun

Street Sam: Do you agree with [Shaman's] read on the place?
Technomancer: No idea. I can't see magic.


Rigger: The main problem with advising him on how to disarm this is that he can't ask questions.


GM: A single feather, which came from a magical beast.
Technomancer: My god. They're breeding flying pigs.
Shaman: No man, it's bigger than that! They're making buffalo wings! Don't you understand? None of our characters have ever seen a buffalo!


GM: It's because Shark is a ****.


OOC discussion:
"So we abort the mission, which we agree was the smart, if not right thing to do."
"But it turns out that if our team was more hotheaded, we could have done it."
"But the target was never there to begin with."
"Because the employer was wrong, so...**** that guy."

[Gnomes2169]

Cyanwrath: *While wearing a cursed item that makes him a human female* I miss your mother's cookies.
Savaro: You are terrible at breaking awkward silences.

[DigoDragon]

Terry: "Was the determination of Exp really just a die roll? You mentioned you rolled 2d6-5."
Bobby: "I got... negative 3 experience points. D'ohhh..."

Maxwell: "How are you doing on ammo?"
Raven: "I have 162 rounds."
Maxwell: "What the... why are you carrying that much ammo?"
DM: "In case she runs out of gun, she can still throw the bullets."

Raven: "We need some sort of container to carry the coffee grounds."
DM: "The coffee comes in a standard cardboard carton with a plastic lid."
Bobby: "Not sturdy."
Raven: "Great, carrying that in a backpack could get messy."
Bethany: "Imagine getting shot in the back by a sniper. Blow through damage and you'd get coffee grounds shooting out your front organs."

Tripos AI: "What can I do for you intruders?"
Maxwell: "Do you know the 3 laws of robotics according to Asimov?"
Tripos: "Yes." (Recites the 3 laws)
Raven: "Well, it knows them."
Maxwell: "Do you follow them?"
Tripos: "No, I am not programmed to follow those laws."
Maxwell: *Shoots the console*

Maxwell: "What did Bront say before we teleported?"
Terry: "Well you know how he said he dealt in real estate? It was hell."
Gus: "Hell?"
Terry: "Yeah, and not the town in Michigan."

Maxwell: "I think the question is if this is your place."
Gus: "It better be my place, it's where I keep all my stuff."

Rebecca: "Gus? You're back so soon? I thought you'd stay the day in the Bahamas."
Gus: "No, no, I decided to just come right back."
Rebecca: "Did you at least stop to drop off the cargo before returning?"
Gus: "Well you know how my DC3 has such a low stall speed, right? I figure just have a pickup truck drive under it really fast and I'd kick the cargo out."

Terry: "It's Billy, bright as the mighty oak tree."

Raven: "I describe the contents of my car to the police, including the M4 and the ammo."

Maxwell: "Is there anything unusual around here?"
Gus: "Outside the present company?"

Terry: "I dunno whether to be insulted or just hit you."
DM: "Isn't one just a step after the other?"
Maxwell: "Hit 'em now! Hit 'em now!"

Terry: "My gun just squirted out coffee... wait, what the hell did I drink earlier?"
Maxwell: "Gimme that. (Drinks out of the gun)

Tripos: "This was test of the emergency facility system. Had this been an actual emergency-- Oh wait, it is. Continue with your panicking and dying."

[Madfellow]

Cyanwrath: *While wearing a cursed item that makes him a human female* I miss your mother's cookies.
Savaro: You are terrible at breaking awkward silences.

There's a story here. I must know what it is. :smallsmile:

[Gnomes2169]

There's a story here. I must know what it is. :smallsmile:

And you shall never know! buahahahahaaaaaaa!

But yeah, my players are going through the Rise of Tiamat campaign (first 5e campaign, I'm just getting acclimated to how it feels to DM it), and they liked Cyanwrath. So, they decided to get him on the good guys side, and I left them little hints and tools to do that. They performed admirably, and they got a half blue dragon on their side (I rebuilt/ restatted him as a PC, so that the power level wasn't thrown off too much).

One of my players also took the background quirk in the back of Hoard of the Dragon Queen that says he was part of the dragon cult. I have it fluffed that he used to be Cyanwrath's student, and that they came from a sect of the cult that was aberrant to the rest (it still worshiped dragons, but with an emphasis on Bahamaut). The characters were talking about deep, philosophical things, how Savaro's father was a good man... And then there was an awkward silence, and... Well... :smalltongue:

As for why Cyanwrath is cursed to be a girl, well, I'll leave that entirely up to your imagination. :smallbiggrin:

[Madfellow]

One of my players also took the background quirk in the back of Hoard of the Dragon Queen that says he was part of the dragon cult. I have it fluffed that he used to be Cyanwrath's student, and that they came from a sect of the cult that was aberrant to the rest (it still worshiped dragons, but with an emphasis on Bahamaut). The characters were talking about deep, philosophical things, how Savaro's father was a good man... And then there was an awkward silence, and... Well... :smalltongue:

As for why Cyanwrath is cursed to be a girl, well, I'll leave that entirely up to your imagination. :smallbiggrin:

This is amazingly silly! :smallbiggrin:

[Super Evil User]

Friend: OK, so I wanna make a Lawful Good character.

Me: Really?

Friend: Yes.

Me: Like, a really Lawful Good character? Not a Lawful I-let-my-friends-get-tortured-to-death-to-win-an-election (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=17696902&postcount=61) character?

Friend: Oh come on, you're still not over that?

Me: :smallannoyed:

[Milodiah]

In World of Darkness I decided to campaign for state senator on a platform of being tough on gang violence.

In order to drum up support for my cause, I secretly caused a gang war with false-flag operations.

At one point I sniped a dude at a drug deal, tore off my balaclava and BDUs, changed into my suit, and gave a live interview on how terrible it was that that guy got sniped.

[Super Evil User]

That's nothing. Once I shoved a Changeling back into her Keeper's realm.

[Gnomes2169]

That's nothing. Once, I made Tiamat a dress that she liked so much, she never changed back into a dragon again.

[Coventry]

Blake von Mesa: We're here looking for an army of elven elves.

BBEG, DM, everyone else in the room: Instead of an army of dwarven elves?

[Septimus Faber]

I didn't write these down or anything, so they might not be verbatim, but as I remember:

Druid PC: I was deeply affected by my animal companion's death.
Wizard PC: You were giggling as you kicked it off the flying carpet.
Druid PC: I was giggling with sadness!

Scout PC: So, that's 200gp plus compound interest...
Me: In other news, today I found out that the commander of my platoon is a loan shark.

Everyone: CARPET METEORITE!

Me: It's OK, I've bound a spirit to serve as a prosthetic foot.

Me: So, what materials do you have to make a foot out of that are cheap, plentiful and quick to work?
Armourer NPC: Sand!
Me: To attach to my leg.
Armourer NPC: I could make it out of swords.
Me: ...
Armourer NPC: There's plenty of mud around.
Me: Are you sure you're a certified armourer?

Me --> Scout PC: Now you've bound a demon to your soul, we're closer than we ever were before!

(Yes, I have a bad habit of getting overly in-character and bringing my not-always-appreciated brand of humour to the table. Still, these are all fairly good quotes.)

[Sith_Happens]

DM: "In case she runs out of gun, she can still throw the bullets."

I think I have my next character concept.:smallamused:


Friend: OK, so I wanna make a Lawful Good character.

Me: Really?

Friend: Yes.

Me: Like, a really Lawful Good character? Not a Lawful I-let-my-friends-get-tortured-to-death-to-win-an-election (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showsinglepost.php?p=17696902&postcount=61) character?

Friend: Oh come on, you're still not over that?

Me: :smallannoyed:

Heh, I remember that thread.

[DigoDragon]

"I don't think I could date with anyone who only loved me for my Steam Achievement count."

[gom jabbarwocky]

"Hey, Bart. I think I found Hawk's soul in my toilet."

[Dasgovernator]

PC2: "I like to think we've graduated from Muder-hoboing our way through the game"

PC4: "Of course! We have a base now. That we killed the previous occupants of and stole from them."

[DigoDragon]

Gus: "Sera, what are you watching?"
Sera: "The Disney animated version of Fargo."
Terry: "Isn't the original movie rated R?"
Sera: "Yeah, but this is Disney. They could G-rate anything and somehow make a killing on T-shirt merch."

Raven: "Guys, I found the Fruit of Knowledge. It's got two bites taken out of it."
Bobby: "You gonna eat that?"
Raven: "Wha..? It's thousands of years old!"
Bobby: (Chomp) "Tastes fine to me."

DM: "Congrats, you now have a roll of 5-ply toilet paper."

DM: "You find a jar of peanut butter."
Bobby: "Ooooh!" :D
DM: "It's a red color."
Bobby: "Uuhhh." D:

Gus: "Rebecca? She's more normal then the setting on my washing machine."

Raven: "Terry, see if Theo is alive."
Terry: (Kicks Theo) "Does he move?"
DM: "No."
Terry: (Shrug) "Then I have no idea."

Maxwell: "Is there an inscription on this sword?"
DM: "Yes."
Maxwell: "Same writing?"
DM: "No, different inscription, same language."
Terry: "Pig-Latin!"

[Inevitability]

Player 1: I start shouting 'Help, there's a tent on fire!' to distract people.
Me: Fine, people start looking around and calling for help. However, several people start to realize you were lying, and slowly walk towards you now.
Player 2: I SET A TENT ON FIRE!
Me: ... Fine. There now is a tent on fire, and as such the people now start putting out the flames instead of questioning you.
Player 2: Does that mean they are distracted? I set another tent on fire!
Me: *groans*

[Jay R]

I missed a session, in which Kevin's character went off to sell his soul to a succubus for a single night's pleasure.
Keven: I had to! She was smokin' hot!
Me: Yeah, but that's supposed to be a metaphor.

Later, we were hiding in an alley.
DM: You see five demons nearby, talking to each other.
PC1: How are they dressed?
DM: Well, like Hell's Angels.
Me: Again, that's supposed to be a metaphor.

[Gnomes2169]

Rikki: Dude. You do know that Lynn is Landregosa, right? I mean, she may be very attractive and have certain... features, but under that soft, time piece shaped tiny human, there is a blue scaled, 7'5" serioisly disillusioned and annoyed half dragon badass who will kill you if you hit on him.
Avalin: But... He's the first girl I've seen who wasn't married, five or my grandmother!
Rikki: ... Dude. We need to get you laid.
"Lynn": Not it!

[Dasgovernator]

Val: "Magic makes everything easier! Why aren't we all wizards, ya damn slackers!"

Victor: "Our Daemons are Grammer Nazis. Great"

Val: "Lets just hope he's really good at long-distance ventriloquism, and not actually stupid enough to be in there"

Daemon NPC: "They sent me to hell! I'm not FROM Hell!"

Nerusk: "He doesn't think. That's what Golems don't do"

Kamien: "**** Invisible dogs man"

Val: "His detect sarcasm check is at -50"

[DigoDragon]

Terry: "This is the best I can do with a rolled up newspaper."

DM: "MIT is surrounded on 3 sides by bars, food joints, and cig shops."
Raven: "And the campus on the 4th side?"
DM: "No, there's a river on the 4th side."

Maxwell: "So where did you work at the Warehouse?"
Barney: "Epsilon labs."
Maxwell: "What did Epsilon labs do?"
Barney: "Slack off mostly."

DM: "You get to Freeman's house."
Maxwell: "The little studio apartment at the corner?"
DM: "No, he lives in an actual neighborhood."
Terry: "So like a studio with 7 inches of lawn?"
DM: "The house is outside Boston common."
Terry & Maxwell: "So Connecticut?"
DM: "Okay now you're just doing that on purpose."

Raven: "I open the front door and peek in."
DM: "You smell garlic. There is a haze in the air."
Raven: "Hmmm. I go to the kitchen first."
DM: "You hear a hissing sound. A pipe to the stove has been cut open."
Raven: "Okay, guess I shouldn't shoot or smoke. What's in the kitchen?"
DM: "You see a timer hooked up to a Zippo. 3... 2... 1..."
Raven: "Aww, shi--" **KABOOM!**

DM: *Tallies damage after the house exploded*
Raven: "Cough- cough- ...I roll on the grass to put myself out."
Gus: "So you find anything... other then a trap?"
Raven: "Gus..."
Gus: "But I'm glad I picked the right group to join, we're having a blast."
Raven: "Gus, is your medical insurance paid up?"
Gus: "Okay, I'll go call the others. Should I tell them our idea bombed?"
Raven: "Grrr... I'm going to ask your wife where to bury your ashes..."
Gus: "Yeah okay okay, I can tell when the heat is on."

DM: "The closet has standard cleaning equipment; Mops, brooms, buckets, rags..."
Peanut Gallery: "Brass monkey balls."
Terry: "I'm pretty sure that's not a cleaning thing."

Bobby: "If the door is made of cheese, you can eat your wey through it!"

DM: "Well there was that one time Jimmy Carter was attacked by that swamp rabbit."

[Winds]

Dragon Age


Mage: So is anyone else missing?
Qun'arri: WHERE IS CLAUDE?
Rogue: ...I'm thinking Claude's missing, too.


Craftsman: Why are they going back into the burning building? Didn't they just fall out of it?
Onlookers: Yep. We don't get it either.


Mage: He's my new Templar!
Rogue: ...I'm what, now?


Hunter: It's Ferelden. My [female dogs] are allowed pretty much anywhere we are.


Guard: There's a knocked-out servant with a broken jaw at the end of the halway they came from.
Servant: I know! It was them!
Rogue and Hunter: *quickly look behind them*
GM: *chuckling* Roll your Deception.


Noble/Bandit: *places high-quality armor on the stand while monolougeing*
Hunter: Definitely want to steal that armor.


N/B: *ends monologue by ordering a henchman to throw a knife at the rogue*
Henchman: *misses horribly*
N/B: The next one goes in his throat.
Mage: Why are you threatening your houseplant?
Rogue: ...He meant me.


Hunter: Well, now the the fight's started...the first thing I'm going to do is kick that fancy armor out the window.


Rogue: So how was your evening?
Craftsman: Get in the carriage.
Rogue: Right.


Rogue: You're a warrior, right?
Qun'arri: Yes.
Rogue: Which means you know about ambushes.
Qun'arri: Yes.
Rogue: That in mind, how much trust should you be putting in a stranger that tells you he'll sell you something for a good price...but only if you meet him at night, in the seedy part of a town you aren't familiar with.
Qun'arri: I don't understand the question.
Rogue: I give up.


Qun'arri: You will help me with this task.
Hunter: We will not not.
Qun'arri: You WILL help me with this task.
Hunter: We will not.
...
Qun'arri: Will you help me with this task?
Hunter: Hey, he asked! Sure, we will.


Mage: Wouldn't it be faster if you just stole a bow like the one he wants?
Rogue: Yeah. But they've been haggling for a while...they should be about done.
Hunter: ...We should probably come to an agreement now. My compatriots seem to be getting bored.


Hunter: The rogue made a good templar, all things considered.
Templar NPC: Not even going to ask.


Rogue: Wait, aren't you from Tevinter?
Magister: Oh, no. It's an elected position. I'm actually from Nevvara.
*some chatter later*
Magister: As they say in Orlais- (mispronounced)
Rogue: Didn't you say you were from Nevarra?
Magister: As if there's a difference.
Hunter: Wait, I thought you were from Orlais?
Magister: :smallannoyed:

[Frenth Alunril]

Elf: "Drow are evil, they live underground, all the things that live underground are evil and they should stay there!!"

Dwarf: "Keep digging that hole and you'll be living underground."

[DigoDragon]

Bard: "Well, flaying subjects was probably commonplace in Hive Darlock. Likely on Thursdays, since Wednesday is Prince Spaghetti Day."

[GPuzzle]

Thomas: "Can you stop drumming?"
Anders: "NEVER!"

Anders: "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!"
Linus: "AND SKULLS FOR THE SKULLS THRONE!"
Thomas: "When do we tell them that we are playing D&D and not Warhammer 40k?"

Thomas: "For the first time in history, the Bard is the only sane member in the party. Congratulations."
Robin: "Heck yeah!"

Robin: "FLY, YOU FOOLS!"
Adric: "I CAN'T CAST MASS FLY, YOU MORON!"

Thomas: "The Rogue thinks we're in Lord of the Rings, the Paladin and the Avenger think we're in Warhammer 40k, and the Wizard thinks this is a Michael Bay movie."
Libra: "What do you think?"
Thomas: "I think I'm actually hallucinating in the psychiatric hospital."
Libra: "Nope, the people in the psychiatric hospital were more sane."

[Jormengand]

...I think I'm actually going to have to ask for context on this one (though obviously spoiler it).:smalleek:

We'd been making jokes all session about how large John's... thing... was, due to a conversation that originally had something to do with swords and double entendres. Operate Siege Weapon is a skill which allows you to do just that, and is thus reserved for the use of larger weapons. John attempted to make love to another character, and I asked him to take an OSW check for lulz.

[bulbaquil]

Druid: "I have a fetish for employees."

Bard: "Justice can wait! This is DRAMA!"

Pyromancer: "We need silver."
Bard: "You're thinkin' about money at a time like this?"
Pyromancer: "Silver WEAPONS!"

[OctoberRaven]

Me: "I 5ft out of the bats and cast Ray of Frost" (attack roll, miss)
Player of a halfling monk: "I CAST FIST!"

[Inevitability]

As in...

https://i.warosu.org/data/tg/img/0287/76/1386709618398.png

[Invisifly2]

P1: I throw her out the window
DM: You want to throw a well-known commoner out of a 5 story window?
P1: I cast "Delay Death" on her beforehand
DM: She hits the ground and turns into a pulpy, but still alive, mess
P1: I climb down the rope she used to get in the room, hit her with cure critical, and then climb back up the rope. I then pull the rope into the room, and slam the window shut

DM: The evil mayor sits upon his colossal flesh golem, constructed from the flesh of the towns occupants, and begins to monolog. "How dare yo-
P2: I cast silence

[Madfellow]

PC1: “Well, Lady Talis is on our side. I tested it out."
PC2: "What did you do, Zoot?"
PC1: "Trial by fire. She passed."

[Dasgovernator]

PC1: "Maybe he's sailing off to deliver porridge to his great aunt Gertrude. We don't KNOW if he's evil"
PC4: "I think the skeletal staff counts as beyond reasonable doubt"

PC1: "Don't worry, he doesn't bite"
PC2: "He doesn't look too appetizing anyway"

PC1: "Oh yeah, I can use my eyes. I forgot"

PC1: "Nynette isn't that kind of Rogue"
Nynette: "You know, I do like pretty things"
PC1: "Oh, well I guess she IS that kind of rogue"

PC1: "No, no, the SPIDER set her on fire."

DM: "I don't think light is a problem. You have 2 lanterns in the corner over there. Also, YOU'RE ON FIRE"

DM: "The Fire is too Bored to fight back"

PC2: "I made your teeth magical for nothing!"

PC1: "Save me [Paladin]!"
PC4: "Actually, I think he's thinking more along the lines of medieval chivalry. I'm going to go stand in front of the woman"
PC1: "Damn you medieval sexism!"

PC1: "The Pony kicked the fire in the face!"

PC2: "Is this the first time someone actually spontaneously combusted"

PC1: "So the plan is that we blow ourselves up now, so we don't risk blowing ourselves up later"

PC1: "It belongs in a Museum"
DM: "That might the first time anyone's said that about a D&D magic item, ever"

[DigoDragon]

Bobby: "Hell is this way, Doom is this way, and Brittney Spears is that way."
Raven: "Ahh! Give me doom!"

DM: "The fridge is empty save for two cans of beef and a half-full jar of Helman's Surreal Mayonnaise."
Raven: "Surreal?"
Terry: "What's in the pantry?"
DM: "A crate stenciled 'Grenades'. Inside is filled with tasty edible marshmallows. You don't see any grenades though."
Maxwell: "I've been doing the bachelor thing all wrong."

Terry: "I found a tape recorder of a cat. I set it on the table... and then it bled to death."
Maxwell: "Damn Radioshack brand."

Raven: "I shot the shark."
Bobby: "But he did not shoot the guppy."

Candy: "I shoot the green thing over here."
DM: "Which green thing?"
Terry: "There's several green things over here."
Bobby: "Wait, I am the green thing over here!"

DM: "You enter the laundry room."
Gus: "I look for the socks I lost 5 years ago."
DM: "... why?"
Gus: "It's that weird of a place, why not?"

Bobby: "I banged on the wall and it banged back."
Maxwell: "Pink Floyd's room?"
Bobby: "So it's just another brick in the wall?"
Gus: "Hey, leave those kids alone."

Gus: "Someone else will have to tie the gauze, it's not my field."
Terry: "Arrg."
Bobby: "I find your comment repulsive."
Maxwell: "You're not helping!"

DM: "I don't believe you are part of the Polar Bear club?"
Gus: "Not that brand of stupid."
Raven: "What brand are you?"
Gus: "I'm still here, aren't I?"

Raven: "I just had a thought."
Terry: "Is it your first?"

[TheHoodedTeddy]

"Remember you have an almighty wizard at your disposal, when he's not being incapacitated by a housecat."

[Milodiah]

"My liege, we were forced to surrender the port."
"To whom!? The enemy's forces are at least a hundred miles away!"
"...three guys, a bear-man, and a colossal death lobster, sir."

[Gnomes2169]

Player 1: Can I make a sanity check?
Me: Huh? Uh... Sure, I guess, but I didn't call for...
Player 1: *Rolls a 15* I FAIL HORRIBLY!

Player 2: Rinn forgets that we were interrupting ongoing combat.

Me: Rikki walks into the room, immediately walks to his bed and then just falls down, telling you, "When you go out to kill people, don't wake me up."
Player 1: But we want to take kung-foo action batman with us!

Player 1: So watch our side quests be somehow related.
*3 hours later*
Player 2: So wait, this is the same warehouse that Savaro-
Player 1: CALLED IT. ************* CALLED IT!

Me: You see a small creature land on the paladin, hear a sickening crunch and-
Player 1: *Flailing and pushing the table away* NO. NO NO NO. I'M NOT STAYING HERE FOR THIS. NO. I'M LEAVING TO GO LOOK AT PICTURES OF FLUFFY KITTENS, CHIBI SCHOOLGIRLS AND DERPY. NO. *Walks about 10' away to his laptop and sits there, trying not to squirm*
Me: ... And... The creature isn't standing there anymore. Zed reaches for his greataxe and says *raspy, obviously-not-Zed voice* "No witnesses." Roll for initiative.
Player 2: ........... ;~;

Me: I am lawful evil when I DM.
Player 1&2: That doesn't make it okay!

Me: Rinn walks in, carrying the slain paladin's glowing greataxe-
Player 1: *Stands up, walks over and gives me a hug* All is forgiven. For now. Until you pull something like this again.

[DigoDragon]

"Note to self-- don't wiggle butt in combat."

[KnotKnormal]

P1:Oh, that's pretty.
P2: that usually means don't touch.

P1: The chances of this being poisoned are 1 in a million.
P2: Um, right. How many times have you injected an unknown substance?
P1: Um, I believe the current count is at 7. *Passes not to DM*
DM: HA.
P2: And how many time did it work out for you?
P1: Not a single time... but I feel good about this one.
P2: I am not fixing you this time.
DM: P1: 2 spot checks P2: roll a slight of hand.
*Rolls*
DM: P1 re notice that by the time you finish your lecture on not eating the pie, the pie is already gone.
P1: Son of a bitch.

P2: When you said you could catch an arrow, I didn't think you meant, with your face.

P3: don't worry guys, I can catch boulders.
P2: NO!!! SOME ONE STOP HIM!!!

Box: Tick tick tick tick tick tick
Everyone: *stares at box*

[DigoDragon]

Box: Tick tick tick tick tick tick
Everyone: *stares at box*

This happens way too often. :smallbiggrin:

[AmewTheFox]

Here's one from my group's last session for my campaign:

"NO, THE MOUTHPIECE OF GOD DOES NOT HAVE A (PUFFER FISH)!"

[GorinichSerpant]

Bear PC: "Call me Fuzzy"

[Winds]

Dragon Age

GM: As usual, when combat is nigh, [Rogue] is nowhere to be seen.

Qunari: "Weak."

GM: So, [Duelist] basically stole your kill.

Mage: "WHY IS HE NAKED?"

Hunter, while holding a ghoul that is unable to hurt him: "[Duelist], what the ****?"

Rogue: "[Templar NPC] is a *******."

*After being hit with a frying pan*
Rogue: "Lady, I was gonna cook for you..."

Rogue: "Why did she throw the frying pan?"
Templar NPC: "...I don't know."

Mage: "They're talking to voices in the air about how they don't want to attack people. Will you help me with that?"
Templar NPC: "It's your job to deal with things like that."
Mage: "Yes, but I don't wear armor, so it hurts when people fight me."
Templar NPC: "...I'll go get my armor on."
Rogue: "I'm ready. You guys wanna just go?"
Hunter: "Sure."
GM: Wow.

[Sith_Happens]

Player 1: "How long is it?"
DM: "Twelve feet."
Player 2: "That is a polearm."
Player 1: "Okay, I now have a polearm dildo."

"I exit the sewer and walk down the street cuddling a white dragon."

[DigoDragon]

Peanut Gallery: "See, Digo as the DM runs a game like this-- 'I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that all your characters are going to die. Good news is that I got chicken wings'."

Maxwell: "Hang on, I'm trying to untie my tongue because English is not my first language. Gibberish is."

Terry: "Do we have any J for a PB&J?
DM: "No, it needs refridgeration and you don't have that ability here."
Terry: "Then I'll have a PB&B."
Candy: "I have a box of bullets."

Terry: "Something is fishy about this note."
Bobby: "Yeah, computer have bad handwriting."
Maxwell: "Computers don't write by hand."
Bobby: "Oh yeah... uh, maybe dictation then?"

Raven: "I'm not finding anything on the bodies. No wallets."
Terry: "No bodies, no floors-"
Peanut Gallery: "Fox only, Final Destination."

DM: "Okay, you are in the second basement. What do you do?"
Terry: "I set it on fire."
Bobby: "I eat it."

Raven: "Wow, a bag of... mushrooms."
Terry: "Yumgus brand Mushroom chips?"
Raven: "Well, it isn't going to get moldy."
Bobby: "Or more moldy then it is."

Terry: "It appears he was murdered... by death!"

Raven: "I pop up and let 'em have it!"
Gun Sound FX: "EEEEEEE!"
Terry: "What, with a vibrator?"

Terry: "How valuable is this watch?"
DM: "It makes your Armani look cheap."

Raven: *Plays back the security feed of this old woman in a business suit entering the records room*
Bobby: "How long she been in there?"
Maxwell: "She's a 70 year old secretary in a record's office. Last time she was there she was 22."

DM: "It's an eight thousand cubic-foot crate of receipts dated from the 1920s in Chicago."
Gus: "Does the box have a label?"
DM: "Yeah, 'Capone, Alfonse. Property of the Internal Revenue Service.'"

[goto124]

Human lady: Lizardwoman!
Lizardman lady: Huwoman!

The humans used the term 'lizardfolk' from then on.

[GPuzzle]

Peanut Gallery: "See, Digo as the DM runs a game like this-- 'I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that all your characters are going to die. Good news is that I got chicken wings'."


I expected you to go as a DM like this: "Good news everyone! I have bad news."

[Hunter Noventa]

I expected you to go as a DM like this: "Good news everyone! I have bad news."

http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/0/4833/953490-fard.jpg

[DigoDragon]

I expected you to go as a DM like this: "Good news everyone! I have bad news."

I probably would have said it, but at the time I was eating a plate full of really good chicken wings. :smallbiggrin:

[Rater202]

http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/0/4833/953490-fard.jpg

...God Damn it, Hunter Noventa.

[DigoDragon]

"The sound was like a river of chocolate being gargled by a troll."

[Dasgovernator]

Victor: "Here, fight this mountain. How about that for a final battle."

Nerusk: "I suppose one more Devil isn't going to cause any problems . . .oh who am I kidding?"

Nerusk: "Your character has a last name? Its not 'Murderlizard' is it? Or would that involve too much foresight on the part of your parents?"

DM: "I'm trying to think of way that you can hide your last name . . .from the universe"

[Devil NPC]: "For once our interests align"
Val: "For once I actually believe you. It feels so wrong"

Kamien: "I roll Knowledge: Planes to identify the [Imp]. (Gets a nat 1). ITS A DRAGON!"

Val: "Why did no one tell me that you were all planning on becoming undead? I PICKED THE ONLY EVIL CASTER WHO CAN CHANNEL POSITIVE ENERGY"

Val: "Diecide. Sounds fun"

Kamien: "Let's attach Audrey II to the skele-rex."

Val: "We can say Hello in Infernal and that's about it"

Victor: "I want to Kill something. I haven't killed anything in . . .almost 4 days. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE"

Nerusk: "It bleeds lightning. That's very metal"

Val: "Everyone's a critic. Especially when you're wrenching them from their home planes to fight for you against their will for a cause they utterly abhor"

Nerusk: "What do you mean I can't make a zombie air elemental?"

Val: "I congratulate [The Ogre] for beating the lightning to death with a hammer. I also patent that IP for an album cover"

Val: "Turn? You couldn't turn a year older on your birthday!"
[PC2]: ". . . Did you steal that from the latest OOTS?"
[PC1]: ". . . I cast Shadow Conjuration: Internet Joke"

[PC2]: "How do you become a half dragon?
[PC1]: "Have a Dragon as a parent?
[PC4]: "No no, you cut yourself in half, and sew a dragon onto your stump."
[PC1]: "I'd laugh, but there's probably a prestige class that does that in a 3.5 splatbook somewhere"
DM: "Nothing short of Divine intervention"
[PC1]: "I get Miracle at level 18. That's basically 'Yo Asmodeus man, you got this? You got this.'"

[PC2]: "We're not talking cake and party hats, we're talking scantily clad women wearing party hats popping out of cakes."

Victor: "We still need to figure out who shares the blood of the Victor"
Val: "Have we considered it's the Baron? He probably figured out that we don't exactly plan to give him a foot massage"
Nerusk: "No, we know he was alive during the Victor's time. He was a member of the other house, the one that was deposed"
[PC1]: "So he's got the blood of the loser then?"

[PC3]: "Whipping out a great sword in the middle of a party is a major faux pas"
[PC1]: "Yeah, murdering party guests is almost as bad as wearing white after labor day"

DM: "Most people don't booby-trap toilet paper with explosive runes"
Kamien: (Accusatory) "Nerusk"

Nerusk: "Who's a good flaming nightmarish horse? You are! You are!"

[PC3]: "He's a half-fork rogue. He has improvised weapon mastery and an archetype"

Victor: "Why can't you just prepare spells out of his handbook?
Nerusk: "Wizards all have different styles of magic script. He has to decode his writing and transcribe it into his own spell book"
Val: "So Wizards just all have really bad handwriting?"

Kamien: "If these guys are so useless, how did they survive the [Civil War]?
Val: "Their opponents were even more useless"

Nerusk: "If you're going to stay with us, you need to know one thing. Fluffy Bunny Rabbits"

Nerusk: "Bad-#ssimar. I like it"

[PC3]: "I will always, always, remember the day when an ogre leaned over and whispered that someone else was dumb"

[Hunter Noventa]

...God Damn it, Hunter Noventa.

My work here is done!

[DigoDragon]

DM: "Aww, I just wasted a critical success."
Maxwell: "Well it would have been in your favor anyway, so screw you."

DM: "Did you lose your character sheet?"
Gus: "No, I know where my character sheet is. I left it in my character book. I LOST my character book."

Raven: "I'm getting to the point I no longer trust technology, and that's bad for a technician."

DM: "There's half a pot of old coffee on the desk."
Terry: "I guzzle it. Now I phase right through the wall."
Gus: "Good coffee..."

Maxwell: "No, wait. Better idea. Who's good at computers?"
Bobby: "I can throw a computer."

Bobby: "What kind of games they got?"
DM: "Oh, the usual stuff; Solitaire, Hearts, Clubs... blue moons... clovers... green diamonds... horse shoo... I dunno, I give up."

Raven: "Looking around, are there any kind of fasteners?"
DM: "No, you don't see any."
Gus: "Try checking for sloweners?"

Terry: "Okay, I just lost a nipple. Wait, I didn't say that."
Candy: "I think you did-"
Terry: "No, I didn't."

Maxwell: "I think Gus wanted to make a phonecall?"
DM: "Who are you calling?"
Bobby: "Ghostbusters."
Gus: "Who do you think?"
DM: "So you're calling your wife?"
Gus: "No, Ghostbusters! Don't you pay attention?"

Bobby: "I found a box of ass."
Terry: "You found what?"
Maxwell: "They're doggie chew toys in the shape of butt cheeks."
Gus: "No butts about it."
Maxwell: "Here, let me have one of those."
Raven: "Max finally got a piece of ass."

Maxwell: "Which scientist has an acid-tripping degree in Chemistry?"
DM: "They all have PhDs in Chemistry."
Maxwell: "So they all acid trip?
Candy: "What do I need to understand their notes?"
DM: "A PhD in Chemistry."
Candy: "...not happening."

[GorinichSerpant]

I like to imagine Gus as being the same character as the main character from The Fault in Our Stars.
No reason, the idea just amuses me.

[Neli42]

P1: What is written on the stone?
GM: Hard to tell at a distance. It's carved, but somewhat eroded and worn from fifty years of old man butt sitting on it.

[GPuzzle]

"Alright, we have to call a psychologist who's not a mormon."

[Sith_Happens]

Actual link here. (http://www.yelp.com/biz/dominos-pizza-new-york-18) Yelp didn't allow half-stars.

Leaving a made-up bad Yelp review just for a joke strikes me as kind of a **** move, just so you know.

[Forrestfire]

"Is it yaoi if both guys are girls?"

[GPuzzle]

"What's Girls und Panzer about?"
"Girls and Panzers."
"What are girls again?"

[Ralanr]

summoner:"All I can do is acid splash! What else am I good for?!"
me:"Here's an idea. Why don't you summon something?"
summoner: "That...is just crazy enough to work"

Note: He forget to summon anything but his main summon the entire campaign...and it was awesome.

[Rater202]

Superman(Yes, that one):Now young man, you have to be at least 18 to join the Justice League. Besides, you aren't even a native of this Universe.
Billy:Fine. Could you at least touch my watch?
Supes:Why?
Billy:...No reasons*shifty eyes*

Megacrossover games get weird fast.

[OctoberRaven]

"Vincent Copper is in the Whitblade family's dungeon for attacking a tavern wench while on blue dragon powder"

[the OOD]

Actual link here. (http://www.yelp.com/biz/dominos-pizza-new-york-18) Yelp didn't allow half-stars.

while it's interesting note that people are turning our campaign quotes into reality, I would like to make a minor few corrections:
1) Trent's last name starts with "H", not "U"
2) the players were in Russia at the time, so you defaced the webpage of the wrong business(and you should feel bad)



new campaign starting this weekend, quotes should be up on Sunday. the game has been described as "Firefly+Schlockverse meets Dead Stars" so let's see how this goes.

[Vhaidara]

Dumand: My cart is always loaded and usually mine!


Briar: Dude, you got beat up by water.


Paladin GM Mary Sue: You, remove you hood!
Nalin (Tiefling Warlock): Sir, I keep my face hidden to conceal horrible scarring that is the mark of my disgrace.
Paladin: Reveal yourself or be shamed [and killed]!
Nalin: So, in order to not shame myself, I must reveal myself and shame myself?
Paladin: Yes!
Nalin: ...You aren't very bright, are you?

[Inevitability]

"Is it yaoi if both guys are girls?"

I'm not sure if this one would make sense if we did have the context...

[LokiRagnarok]

The obvious reply is that it's yuri.

[DigoDragon]

Gus: "What flavor ice cream do you want?"
Candy: "Surprise me."
Gus: "Okay!"
Bobby: "Didn't know cow dung was a flavor."

DM: "You find a lab coat for a Dr. Wright."
Gus: "Cool, it's the wright one for me!"

DM: "The DNA Vault has DNA samples of endangered and extinct Earth animals like dinosaurs, mamoths, sabertooths, dodos, unicorns, elves..."
Bobby: "Hee hee... wait, elves are real?!"

Candy: "Oh, I want a unicorn! How do we make one?"
DM: "The vault has instructions on how to use the DN Assembler machine to grow your own unicorn, but the directions give you a cooking time of 6 weeks."
Candy: "I don't want a unicorn that badly."
Gus: "Wait, cooking time? This like Craft Macaroni and DNA?"

DM: "Congrats, you're all the proud owners of your very own Pink catgirl love slave."
Terry: "...It's pink."
Candy: "Yay, I always wanted one of those!"
Terry: "It's pink."
Gus: "Okay, now looking for the school girl uniform and the giant robot..."
Terry: "It's. Pink."

Candy: "Great, I have a catgirl pet now."
Bobby: "Just keep her off the furniture."

DM: "You see Sera sitting sideways on the pilot's chair, legs propped up on the copilot chair, she's on a cell phone, chewing gum, and scribbling notes on the blue prints to the space shuttle Columbia."
Gus: "EXCUSE ME!?"
Sera: "Ahh!! How did you... in the getting here... you are...?"
Raven: "Where'd you get the blue prints to the space shuttle?"
Sera: "Uh... the internet?"
Gus: "And who's flying the plane?"
Sera: "The autopilot."
Gus: "Autopilot can't dodge traffic and call the tower!"
Sera: "Uh... internet autopilot?"
Gus: "Get out of my seat!!"

Terry: "Hmmm, the front door to the United Nations headquarters is unlocked. That's not suspicious."

DM: "The food looks like opaque green Jello."
Bobby: "Mmm, always room for Jello."

DM: "As you all exit the bathroom via wormhole, into LaGuardia Airport, you catch the attention of the people around you. Not so much because you came out as a group of guys and girls from the Mens Restroom together, but you have a pink catgirl following you and you're all armed with guns and torn up ballistic vests."
Gus: "Details."
Raven: "So, any of you people know which way to Gate 23? We're late for an Anime Persian Gulf War reenactment."
DM: (Rolls Bluff) "...the crowd stops paying attention and goes about their business."
Maxwell: "That would be a normal reaction in New York too."

[LokiRagnarok]

I think I speak for all of us when I ask for more details on this campaign.

[Sith_Happens]

Superman(Yes, that one):Now young man, you have to be at least 18 to join the Justice League. Besides, you aren't even a native of this Universe.
Billy:Fine. Could you at least touch my watch?
Supes:Why?
Billy:...No reasons*shifty eyes*

Megacrossover games get weird fast.

Omnitrix, I presume?


I think I speak for all of us when I ask for more details on this campaign.

NEW CAMPAIGN LOG!

[Rater202]

Omnitrix, I presume?

Well, I shelled out the points for an Ultimatrix, but yeah.

[Illven]

From my game tonight.

"It continues to disturb me to no end that the true neutral mildly misanthropic warforged is the moral compass of the party"

[Milodiah]

Me: "As a Cyber-Knight, your Psi-Sword can be pretty much any shape and size you want."
P1: "...I want it to be Teddy Roosevelt shaped."
Me: "..."
*flips through pages*
"There is nothing in the rules that says it can't be Teddy Roosevelt shaped..."
P1: "It's Teddy Roosevelt shaped."

[Inevitability]

Me: "As a Cyber-Knight, your Psi-Sword can be pretty much any shape and size you want."
P1: "...I want it to be Teddy Roosevelt shaped."
Me: "..."
*flips through pages*
"There is nothing in the rules that says it can't be Teddy Roosevelt shaped..."
P1: "It's Teddy Roosevelt shaped."

Ah, the classic 'Air Bud' loophole. I like that player already.

[Rater202]

*Looks at what the Bullmoose Did*

*Thinks of How Awsome the Cyber Knights are*

I see no problem with that.

I honestly would not be surprised if, somewhere on rifts Earth, somebody who knows how to read found surviving info on President Roosovelt the first, assumed he was some kind of Deity, and started a Cult around him.

[GrayGriffin]

Ryouta: Sorry, but I don't know much about childrens card games. I usually have better things to do.
Kenta Hibikawa: "Don't you guys know anything about pokemon?!" Kenta looks shocked.
Coriander: "I know what Fern told me in the dream! Which...isn't much, yet."

Dan: (( Only one of you gets the effects. She's a medium, not Jesus ))


Kenta Hibikawa: "YOU JERK!"
Coriander: "I don't think that was necessary..."
Kenta Hibikawa: Kenta scoops up Roller and storms forward, angry tears in his eyes. "You big fat-headed JERK!"
* Everett retrieves Kenta's pokeball
Peter Swenson: you kids are all focused on capturing these things, THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL US
* Tai yells
Dan: (( ladies and gents, the voice of reason ))
* Kenta rolls: d20-4 => 18 - 4 = 14
* Ryouta yelss from afar
* Archimedes flies on the post observing the show
Kenta Hibikawa: I htink my kick to your leg just connected
Dan: (( it did ))
* Coriander moves closer to Peter.
Ryouta: "Don't lump me in with that little sad guy."
Everett: So... do we call animal control or something?
* Kenta rolls: 1d8+6+5 => 8 + 6 + 5 = 19
Everett: What do we do with them?
Kenta Hibikawa: (My anger lent me strength)
Coriander: "I think that charm worked! Did you notice anything strange when it hit you?"
Everett: We can't just leave them like that. They'll die
Dan: 19 Physical Normal Damage to Peter
Peter Swenson: Peter Swenson loses 14 hit points.
Coriander: "Whoa!"
* Coriander looks shocked.
Peter Swenson: Little Punk, what was that for? I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE?!
* Astrid hides behind Everett
Coriander: "I don't think that was necessary either!"
Kenta Hibikawa: "I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING!"

The fog begins swirling in the air above you, and is pulled down, being absorbed by the watches. Almost before you realize it, the area is clear.
AREA CLEAR
Everett: "I suddenly feel like we're playing final fantasy
*insert victory music here*
Dan: (( and yes, the other mons are gone ))
Ryouta: (( do the watches really do victory music? ))
Dan: (( You know what? Yes. Yes they do. ))
Ryouta: (( just wanting to be clear ))
Everett: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34X4faVQ63Y
Everett: (( sounds liek this ))
* Peter Swenson resists the urge to break his watch
* Coriander jumps at the sound of the music.
* Ryouta keeps hitting the white button trying to shut it up
Coriander: "...what's Final Fantasy?"

[Inevitability]

"No, starting a kobold farm is not allowed."

[DigoDragon]

I think I speak for all of us when I ask for more details on this campaign.

From what I remember, it was back when I used to watch the show LOST. I created a campaign that was the love-child of that and the original Half-Life game. The PCs found themselves on a mystery island in the Atlantic filled with research labs that were overrun by experiments gone wrong (everything from aliens getting lose to rogue robots, to malfunctioning advanced tech. They learned that the Illuminati ran this place and had abandoned it because in the near future (they got several newspapers from the future) an alien ship comes over to determine if humans were friendly. The Illuminati tried to capture them to study, and the aliens decided to destroy the majority of the planet's military prowess in order to 'pacify' the planet from dissecting aliens).

The island had portals that led all over the world, so there was a bit of traveling to locate all the Illuminati members. It seemed easier than they thought when they tracked members down to kill, but at the end of the game they found out they themselves were high-ranking Illuminati members who wiped their own memories with the plan of hiding as normal people to wait out the alien attack. The PCs found a way to prevent themselves from causing the disaster-- they blew up the island before the aliens arrived. And so they did, killing themselves. The only voluntary TPK I've ever had happen.

I wrote a little epilogue that the aliens came by, didn't see anything threatening, and left. Earth meanwhile was busy trying to figure out what that huge explosion in the Atlantic was, guessing maybe a meteor impact.

[Forrestfire]

I'm not sure if this one would make sense if we did have the context...

There was shapeshifting involved. Thankfully the scenario was all in one character's head.

[Diachronos]

"...Technically, the carrots are helpless, so you can coup'de'grace them if you want to. So all of those attack rolls become natural 20s."

[Dasgovernator]

"I guess threatening to kill someone and bind their soul to hell if they don't agree counts as duress"

"I wonder if getting a really high Diplomacy check would work. Like a literal 'Come to the dark side we have cookies"

[Senshi Akai]

Wizard: "I am an enchanter, you really were taking me serious?"

DM to wizard’s player: "No more charm. No more suggestion. And, for the love of god, NO MORE DOMINATE! EVER!"

Wizard: "I cast Irresistible Dance with the verbal component being 'everybody dance now!'"
DM: "I will never let you play an enchanter again."


Cleric: "Did we just accepted being paid in ale?"
Rogue: "Best. Work. Ever."

Cleric: "I roll Diplomacy against the wall!"
DM: "Now, that's not even..."
*Natural 20*
DM: "… I am not even sure what to say?"
Wizard: "A door opens?"

DM: "Roll an Innocence check."

[Dasgovernator]

"We're planning next to the bar. How fitting"

"So we're donkey Kong? Throwing barrels of acid at the heroes?"

"Well actually, that ritual takes [Nation] to hell"
"Well that's nice and direct. Asmodeus doesn't mess around with his world-destroying magic"

"Like dropping a Napalm of stinky-breath"

"The circle of life, but with breath weapons"

"I think therefore . . I'm not?"

"Sadly the Deathstar is out of our budget range"

"Half Buried means Half Visible"

"T-Rexes tend to make poor landing pads"

"At least they know how to run away efficiently"

[DigoDragon]

Terry: "So where are we on this map?"
Bobby: "The big red arrow marked 'Screwed People'."

Candy: "I wonder what the toaster does?"
Terry: "I look through his notes. Anything interesting?"
DM: "Do you have any advanced physics skills?"
Terry: "No."
DM: "Then what you can understand is the phrase 'time travel' and that these are blue prints for a toaster."
Maxwell: "I think I know what this toaster does now."
Bobby: (Moment of clarity) "According to instructions, it teleports you. Through time."
Terry: "Of course! Heaven forbid it was ever designed to make toast!"
Gus: "Ah, that'll be useful to pay my late electric bill."
Terry: "What if you just wanted toast?"
Maxwell: "Use a different toaster."

Gus: "Well we could fly the island to the island."
Candy: "Or milk a fish."
Maxwell: "Or make teleporting toast."
Terry: "You know how stupid this conversation sounds? It's like our adventure was written by a bad D&D geek."
DM: *Gives the party the finger*

Bobby: "This statue is made of C4."
Maxwell & Terry: "C4!?"
Terry: "That's plastique!"
Bobby: "Huh? ...oh, a bomb!"
Candy: " This could level the castle."
Gus: "Convenient."
Maxwell: "For who?"

Terry: "I can hear the ocean."
Bobby: "I can hear my shoe laces."

Candy: "Okay, we found two Desert Eagles. DM, what's the strength requirement to use one?"
DM: "It's .50 AE so strength 12 is required."
Candy: "Ah, not happening with me."
Bobby: "I strong, but not skilled in guns."
Terry: "I could... Max, how about you?"
Maxwell: "Not really."
Maggie (pink catgirl got named): "I could."
Terry: "Wait, you? The catgirl slave is strong enough to weild this gun? Why... no wait, nevermind. I don't ant to know why you were made with strength and Max has an evil grin like he has the perfect answer not appropriate for this conversation!"

Gus: "Immortality Lab. Stay out or die."

Terry: "There's some irony in this."
Candy: "Oh?"
Terry: "Being gun down in the Immortality Lab."

DM: "The party has acquired one Han Solo in carbonite."

Gus: "I leave the aliens a note by the C4 bomb we made: Greetings from the Sox, Broward, & Beethoven University."
Party: "Huh??"
Gus: "Otherwise known as Sox 2B U."
Party: *Groan*

[GPuzzle]

Linus: "With six-thousand battering ra-"
Thomas: "I don't think that's how the song goes."
Linus: "Shut up!"

Robin: "I'm half-tactician."
Adric: "I start furiously writing fanfics of her and Libra."
Libra: "Wait, what?"

Thomas: "Anders, how do you carry that sword of yours when your Strength is a 14?"
Anders: "It's made of polystyrene."
Libra: "And it cuts heads with more ease than anything else."
Anders: "Very sharpened polystyrene."

Libra: "I don't know how to ride a Pegasus!"
Robin: "You carry a lance, isn't that enough?"
Libra: "Pegasus Knight isn't even a class! I'm a Cleric!"
Robin: "Just buy a Second Seal."
Thomas: "This isn't Fire Emblem, you dumbass!"

Linus: "Under this sun no shadows will fall, piercing our eyes as we charge!"
Libra: "Is it just me or is the Paladin becoming a Bard?"
Thomas: "It's weird, isn't it, the Paladin's more of a Bard than the Bard."

Linus: "BEER FOR THE BEER GOD!"
Thomas: "Great, the Paladin's drunk."

[Erth16]

Director: So you guys took too long getting through Germany and now your late for your concert. When you arrive, you see that Hatsune Miku has taken over your time slot.
Us: What?
Yur: Alright, I'm at the concert, but I am enraged by the presence of Miku. I start using train magic to mess up her sound systems and hologram projectors.
Director: People start freaking out as the projectors are broken and Miku vanishes.
Shiro:...What kind of idiot goes to a Miku concert without knowing she's a hologram?
Director: Apparently the French. Her music is till playing.
Shiro: Lower my room, I'm gonna play loud.

Director: When you park the zeppelin outside Chernobyl you notice something strange. In a perfect circle around the site, there is no mayo.
Mayo Samurai: I'm scared. I want to leave ASAP.

Shiro: Look, if all your going to tell us is that you don't belong in my room and that witches exist, we know. Now get out of my room.
Miku: No, I'm not done talking yet. What are your names?
Ky<uh: I'm Ky<uh.
Yur: I'm Yur Pers-Nel Treynor.
Shiro: Shiro. Now get out.
Miku: Shiro, you seem the most sane of everyone, well I don't know her story yet.
Mayo Samurai: I'm the Mayo Samurai, I defend the mayo worldwide.
Miku: I regret asking.
Shiro: I curse Miku to be stunned and push her out the door. Miku is now falling off the zeppelin. "I said get out of my room!" I then look at the others. "You too."

Shiro: Ok, since Shiro is supposed to be at least as smart as I am OOC, and I can make the connection that since Istanbul is Constantinople, and you can't go back to Constantinople, because Istanbul is Constantinople, then something is wrong because we're in Constantinople, but we can't go back to Istanbul because Istanbul is Constantinople, do I need to make a check for that?
Director:...No?
Mayo: Could you say that slower?

Ky<uh: So I hear you're a witch.
Witch: Yes I am.
Ky<uh: Well, how's a little wager. If I win this thumb war, we get to destroy you, but if you win, we leave.
Witch: I'll take the deal.
*A few minutes later*
Mayo: Why are you two still thumb wrestling, He counted to 100 like 5 times.

Yur: So what's your name little magical wolf girl?
Spice: I'm Spice Y Wolfe.
Shiro, Mayo, and Ky<uh: Did you really just do that?
Spice: Why is that inconvenient for you? Because my power is inconvenience.

Ami: So any ideas for a power?
Ky<Uh: How about the power to create miracles?
Director: How would that work?
Shiro: Well, an enemy would attack us and do like 1000000 damage. But, Surprisingly, through an inconvenient miracle for the enemy, we were unscathed.

Ami: I Can't think of a name for my character, can you pick one randomly?
Shiro: Sure, I'll roll off the name table. 54.
Ami: Ok, Mizuno.
Shiro: And...11. Hello Sailor Mercury.

Director: Ok, Ami needs to approach the band and join now I guess.
Ami: I'm not sure how to do that, can someone help out here?
Shiro: Well since everything else has been a joke so far, let's try this, do you mind if I take control of Ami for a couple sentences?
Ami: Sure?
Shiro: Ok. Ami approaches the group and says "Hello, I see that you are in need of a Zeusaphone player, I just so happen to have those skills." Shiro responds "You seem trustworthy, would you like to join our band?"
Ami: Yes, I would.

Ami: I have the power of Omniscience. Limited Nigh Omniscience.
Mayo: Wait, so what do you know?
Ami: Whatever I want if the Director allows it.
Shiro: Oh so your as smart as me, cool.


Mayo: I eat the mayo.
Director: The mayo is cursed, you take 5 damage.
Mayo: I keep eating.
Shiro: I rip the evil spirit out of the mayo.


Ky<uh: 16 defense.
Director: You may want to roll another die.
Shiro: No she doesn't.
Director: Ok...well the witch hits Ky<uh for 14.
Shiro: The witch takes 14 damage.
Director: Wait what?
Shiro: They're linked remember, if Ky<uh takes damage the witch does too.
Ky<uh: What a surprise.
Shiro: Pretty inconvenient I might say so.
Ami: It's a Christmas miracle.
Ky<uh: I counterattack. 16 attack.
Director: Not enough.
Shiro: Would Ky<uh's +2 for being under half win?
Director:...Yes.
Ky<uh: How surprising! 13 damage.
Director: It's still alive.
Shiro: You forgot the +2 from melee.
Director: It's dead.
Ky<uh: No one could have predicted this outcome! I am the master of surprise!

[Madfellow]

Cleric: "I don't think the gods would refer to themselves in the third person plural."

Cleric: "Gods... go easy on him. Please."

[Sith_Happens]

Thomas: "Anders, how do you carry that sword of yours when your Strength is a 14?"
Anders: "It's made of polystyrene."
Libra: "And it cuts heads with more ease than anything else."
Anders: "Very sharpened polystyrene."

Polystyrene is brittle, it would be horrible for making swords out of.:smallconfused:


Director: When you park the zeppelin outside Chernobyl you notice something strange. In a perfect circle around the site, there is no mayo.
Mayo Samurai: I'm scared. I want to leave ASAP.

Running gags FTW.

[GPuzzle]

Polystyrene is brittle, it would be horrible for making swords out of.:smallconfused:

Anders' sword is basically Cloud's (from Final Fantasy VII) sword.

But I think the Simpsons put it better than I do:

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/483/894/463.jpg

[goto124]

DM: You find a massive chest on the ground.
P1: I open it.
DM: You take your knife and slice the flesh open, spilling blood all over the ground. Inside you find a heart, lungs, and various other organs.
P1: ...what kind of chest was that?
DM: A lady orc's. She has a nice rack, too.


"I grab her topless chest."
DM: You rip the top off of the drow priestess's chest. Inside are a book, a map, and various loose papers.

[DigoDragon]

Cleric: "Ah! I found my pajamas!"
Wizard: "Where have they been hiding?"
Cleric: "In my Haversack's pajama pocket."
Wizard: "You... never thought to check there before? In the pocket you dedicated to your pajama collection?"
Cleric: "Well no, because I usually keep all my pajamas in the Bag of Holding with my shorts."
Wizard: "...I'm done with this conversation."

[OctoberRaven]

Matilda Hexen: "Attempting to kidnap a noble is punishable by death."
Marximillion: "By the gods, Miss Hexen, death for kidnapping is extreme!"
MH: "Attempted kidnapping. Actual kidnapping is also a capital offense regardless of class. Also, Lady Hexen."
M: "Are we really going to have this discussion now?!"

MH: "Thank you Brigand. As promised, I will now deliver you mercy."
MH Player: "Magic missile, all three bolts on him of course."
Others: :smallconfused:
MH Player: "What, you thought she was Lawful Good?"
Roland (A Paladin): "I had hoped I could convince him to repent!"
MH: "At the end of the spell he would have been aware that he was enchanted. And like I said, attempting to kidnap a noble is punishable by death."
Roland: ""Those men had not seemed yet irredeemable; merely followers of circumstance. I could think of no greater victory than to snatch away a follower of evil and convince them to seek the way of light"
DM: "Roland, your Divine Sense told you these guys were in fact irredeemably evil."
Roland Player: "Oh right. Nevermind."

MH: "We should remove their armor and bring it with us, lest other brigands use it for their own misdeeds."
Vertman: "Charming and stripping, Lady Hexen? Trying to get it out of your system before your marriage?"

Kellie, a halfling monk: "I just want to get to this town, I bet it's huuuge!"
V: "Everything's huge to you, Kellie"
K: "I bet it's even hugerer than normal."

V: Somewhere I can play? And "play"?
DM: You could play in the common room or possibly cafeteria of the dorms.
K: "I want to play to! I love games!"

And after session:

"So, figure out how you're going to discuss the conspiracies next week."
"Through interpretive dance!"
"Through my fists!

"It's a fireball. It's basically a magic hand grenade."

[Milodiah]

The evolution of my notebook...


GM: "In the center of the warehouse are five human skulls, perfectly cleaned and arranged in a circle."

Me (writing in notebook): Creepy voodoo cult (?)

...

GM: "With that roll, you realize that there's only the victim's footprints going in, and no footprints at all going out."

Me: flying creepy voodoo cult (?)

...

GM: "Suddenly the man is lifted from the forklift by an amorphous mass of hazy smoke, and he screams in pain as the back of his head is peeled away to reveal his skull."

Me: flying creepy voodoo cult (?) smoke monster. Investigate possible connections w/ LOST.

...

P2: "So why'd you do it!"
GM: "The summoner weakly leans forward in his hospital bed, and whispers to you, 'Power...for the Motherland...'".
Me: flying creepy voodoo cult (?) COMMIE smoke monster. Investigate possible connections w/ LOST, Mikhail Gorbachev.



Same game:

TO-DO LIST

Call GhoulTrack
Pick up crucifix
Murder Gypsy Dave
Buy more whiskey

[DigoDragon]

Stragus: "So you can send toast in time? Has any toast or bagels appeared around you mysteriously?"
Terry: "No, but a bad guy used it and disappeared in a flash of light... leaving behind a slice of burnt bread."
Stragus: "Villain-flavored bread?"

DM: "This is why it's so hard to take down a Marine- Their armor has a +23 ablative ceramic plate in it."
Candy: "Aim low! Aim low!"
DM: "Their armor protects the vitals."
Candy: "Darn!"
Terry: "Yeah, I'm sure this was an issue addressed years ago."
Maxwell: "Ever since the invention of the crotch."

Maxwell: "What's the primary objective here?"
Gus: "We have to take out the fusion power plant here and then move on our merry way."
Bobby: "Except that the best way to get going is the Tram station because we're surrounded by water and Terry is Bathophobic."
Maxwell: "No problem, have him blindfolded and drink a gallon of milk. Once he's passed out we'll sail across on a rubber raft."

DM: "Make an Intelligence check to see where putting the C4 on the turbine would be most efficient."
Terry: "Made the check by 2."
Maxwell: "By 2."
Candy: "Made it by 1."
Bobby: "Eh, put it wherever."
Maxwell: "I choose Bobby to set it."

Maxwell: "Terry, Bobby here has an idea."
Terry: "Wait, Bobby has an IDEA?"

DM: "The Apache will attempt to gun down the lead car with it's M230 cannon. Gus, that would be you. Your action?"
Gus: "This thing has Nitro, right?"
DM: "Yup."
Gus: *Hits Nitro on the Esprit*
DM: "Okay the Apache opens fire and nails the cloud of dust that's vaguely shaped like the car that was there. Gus, piloting check."
Gus: "Don't you mean driving check?"
DM: "Not at the speed you're going."

Terry: "That's my new standard. If it's no weirder then time traveling toast, I can buy it."

[GPuzzle]

Robin: "On three, Adric will blow up the spaceship and we'll all board the Millenium Falcon."
Libra: "When did the Millenium Falcon fall on here again?"
Thomas: "Possibly when Anders boarded the TARDIS, became the new Doctor, sent us all to Ylisse and we're still a D&D party."
Libra: "What's next, the Enterprise?"

*Enterprise crash-lands on the ground*

Libra: "I should've kept my mouth shut."

[UristMcRandom]

"It's a fireball. It's basically a magic hand grenade."

With your permission, I'd like to sig this.

[OctoberRaven]

With your permission, I'd like to sig this.

Sure! :smallbiggrin:

[GPuzzle]

Adric: *imitating the D*ck in a Box sketch from Saturday Night Live* "Merry Christmas, Libra."
Libra: *swings her oversized axe* "I'm glad I brought my opener."

[Inevitability]

Player: Look, you buy friends, whereas I sell friends. That is the difference between us.

Me: Apparently the paladin and fighter are both shooting arrows from a safe distance? I guess the monster goes for the monk then.
Monk's player: ******* you, guys.