Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12

[DigoDragon]

Terry: "Now normally I might have a few questions about that, but we have a time traveling toaster."

Terry: "We got another newspaper from the future. An atomic bomb is going to go off in downtown Moscow, killing 600,000."
Maxwell: "We saw a scale model of Moscow in the lab, right? With a model bomb?"
Terry: "Yeah. Temperatures reached 8000 degress-"
Bobby: "Oh, dat warm."

Bobby: "Grrr..."
Candy: "What's wrong?"
Bobby: "I don't like insects in my drink."
DM: "What? Who's having sex in your drink?"
Maxwell: "Welcome to the conversation, DM."

Candy: "Well if you want the medical vest to heal you, I can slap you around now."

Radio: "Bravo team? Come in Bravo team?"
Maxwell: "Bravo team has checked in and checked out. We're replacing them with Charlie team, lets see if you chaps can tell the difference."

Maxwell: "I don't like eating at a place the requires you to sign a waiver."

Terry: "What logo is on this pack of cigarettes?"
DM: "Oh um... some foreign brand... has a camel... with an arab... on fire..."

DM: "You see a MAGI show up with 3 demons."
Gus: "Blue demons?"
DM: "Sure."
Gus: "Gasp, we're caught between the marines and the deep blue three!"

Bobby: "Is the Magi dead or unconscious?"
DM: "He's dead. Something about losing your bellybutton out your back side through your kidney being lethal."

Gus: "Black blood of the earth!"
Bobby: "You mean oil?"
Gus: "No, Black blood of the earth!"

[Erth16]

Mrs. Claus: Thank you, you're a kind...person of indiscernible gender. Could you find my husband for me? He went missing and a blood trail showed up behind the house.
Robin: Of course ma'am, where's the package you need delivered?
Mrs. Claus: What?
Robin: You called for a mailperson did you not?

Dm: You quickly find the blood trail she mentioned, it's about three feet wide.

Robin: I make camp for the night.
Dm: After you make camp, you see those same three people from the village following you still.

Dm: As you are walking, two dire wolves emerge from the forest and begin circling you.
Mad Bomber: Now's my chance to help!
Robin: Eegleschmeegleagleleehyourngidorngy.
Dm:...What was that?
Robin: Word of Pain.
Dm: You easily handled the wolves and continued walking.
Robin: I skin them first.

Dm: The same people are watching you when you make camp.
Mad Bomber: I approach the camp and ask for some food.
Robin: I kill one of the birds and hand it too her.

Dm: The next day the two of your are attacked by a pair of dire tigers.
Robin: I give them a fighting chance. Orb of Electricity.
Mad Bomber: How was that a fighting chance?
Ydyn: I join the fray, and run up at a tiger.
Dm: Ok, the ine that got blasted runs away in fear, the other charges at Ydyn, and hits twice for 25 damage.
Ydyn: I'm at -2.

Robin: I deliver Ydyn from her pain and kill her. I then skin her and wear it like a coat. I also skin the tigers.

Ydyn's brother: I approach the party.
Robin: I offer Ydyn's pelt as a token of friendship, and Ydyn's half eaten leg as a meal.
Mad Bomber: WHY!
Robin: We are in the tundra with the only sources of fire being our magic. We need to eat anything we can get our hands on.

Dm: You find the trail leading into a cave after 60 total days of travel.



Santa: Ho ho ho, thank you for saving me from those trolls, can you get me off this pike now?
Robin: One sec, I skin Santa.
Dm: I hate you. His flesh grows back due to his regeneration.

[DigoDragon]

Zebra: "Hmm, yeah, I think I have. At least, the general idea of where it was. Got shot by a drunken raider in that area who mistook me for a zebra."

[Dimers]

DM: You curl your bear-body up on a bearskin rug.
Player: Does that apply to the rest of us? Do we have to sleep on humanskin bedding?
DM: Well, you don't HAVE to ...

[OctoberRaven]

Marxmillion: Alright sirs of the north, I have traveled woods all my life, I know the forest. I can sense these things. I am telling you, there are traps
Matilda Hexen: You've traveled in Southern woods.
Marx: Matilda, you nobles can be all the kind of different you want, but the wild is the wild.
MH: That's absurd! Are you telling me a bear set traps? Hm? Perhaps an owl is preparing to snipe at us with poisoned arrows? Nature has nothing to do with ambushes!

Later, after finding no traps in the actual forest...

DM: Fanir, you spot tripwire traps and bear traps obscured by leaves around the trees leading to the house. You also don't see any people.
Roland: Wait we need to clarify. Are these traps set for bears, or are these traps set by bears?

DM: Everyone in the group sees this supposed "Ranger" failing to climb a simple tree.
*Marx, the ranger in question, tries again and passes*
MH: Maybe he has been feverish this whole time. It would explain his behavior.

[Erth16]

Director: A giant black dragon flies in from the end of the valley and breathes a wave of Black and gold fire over the entire valley, the fire engulfs you all, but seems to have no effect.
Hakugwyn: We're gonna die.

Usagi: Ok I use All or Nothing for 12 to attack the dragon.
Director: After your strike you feel the full effects of the dragon's breath. You now realize the dragon's breath fatigued you greatly and all pain or exertion is twice as great. Usagi falls unconscious.

Director: Usagi's strike tunnels through the dragon's foot and up through to its heart, cutting it out. The dragon still lives though, long enough to try and step once more on Hakugwyn. It failed to step on Hakugwyn who counters.
Hakugwyn: I grab its toe and give it a nasty rub burn.
Director: The dragon anticlimactically dies.

Hakugwyn: Ok, so my overcharge requires me to make a major heart distortion so... Noel, will you marry me? Please say no.
Noel: Um, I don't know what to say, I'm so emotional right now, I'll tell you later.

Later, against a different dragon.

Hakugwyn: Let me handle this one. I create a barrier behind me.
Director: The dragon raises it's own barrier of crystal in front of you. You are now in a box.

Director: You can see that the path downwards will branch in two directions. At the bottom of one path you see another dragon, far larger than the other two with a massive spear stricken through its chest, and on the other, you see a giant man, 15 feet tall, with two large hammers.
Hakugwyn: We can't take another dragon, let's fight him.
Usagi: I'm sorry but from all the anime my parents raised me on, I know that fighting the buff old man over the dragon is a terrible idea.
Hakugwyn: If you go to fight the dragon I will just stab you and pull you along by my sword.

Director: You enter the room and the man rises to his full height, and tosses his smaller hammer to the ground, shaking the other in the air as a circle of darkness empowers him.
Hakugwyn: I go up and slash him for 6 damage.
Usagi: I use all or nothing and reaping strike to deal 35.
Director: He first looks at Hakugwyn, then determines he can ignore the mosquito and crushes the snake. Usagi is unconcious.
Usagi: Do I at least get a defense roll?
Director: Usagi? No. Everyone else yes because they have defense and hp stats.

Director: After a long series of slashes and counterattacks from Hakugwyn, with support from Noel, the man goes into his death throes, grabbing the other hammer from the ground and desperately waving it, causing a large with sphere of energy to erupt from him. Defense rolls.
Usagi: I failed.
Chaika: Pass.
Noel: Pass.
Hakugwyn: Pass.
Director: Usagi is pushed back by the force 30 feet and into a wall, and is once again unconscious.
Noel: I have a major distortion as well... Hakugwyn, I accept.
Hakugwyn: ****. I stab Chaika out of rage.

[DigoDragon]

Gus: "Here we are, Moscow."
Bobby: "Hmmm... I haven't used Intimidate in a while."
DM: "I love the direction this conversation just went."
Bobby: "I wonder how that'll work across language barriers."
Gus: "Amazing, peeing your pants is the same in this country!"

DM: "It required a DC 10 Jump check to make that leap of logic, but you do."

DM: "You have a guaranteed distraction- Maggie just jumped on some guy's car and is doing an erotic dance on the hood."
Maxwell: "I throw rubles at her."

Ivan: "I hit the cop with my pipe."
DM: "The blow drops him to the floor."
Ivan: "I pick up his gun."
DM: "Not yet, next town."
Terry: "Wait what? Sorry Ivan, but your gun is in another postal code?"
DM: "I meant to say turn."

Terry: "I'm from Tennessee, I speak Tennis!"
Ivan: "You got two words, Twok and Bap."

Terry: "I think I'll take a look at the internet and see what else is messed up."
Gus: "It's the internet, shouldn't take long."

Bobby: "What's in the box?"
DM: "A phoneless cord."

DM: "The explosion took out several soldiers inside the cabin. The ones still alive and mobile start running outside."
Ivan: "I grab the Ak-47 and introduce them to modern warfare."

Terry: "I misread that as Prostrate Atrium."

Gus: "Congrats, we got a Raven-popsicle."
Maxwell: "Let's defrost her over the big metal safe that's radiating heat from the chunk of Jupiter's core inside it."
Ivan: "Is Rave a pleasant person when thawed?"
Gus: "You ever taken a cold shower? Well multiply that by 50 million, that's how pissed off Raven is going to be!"

[Sith_Happens]

[Snip]

...What system did you say this was again?:smallconfused::smalleek:

[Illven]

Brice. "yeah... not really scouting more like sending a messenger to announce our arrival)"

Fulgore semi OOC "two trapfinders in the party, and we still trigger every one of them "

Fulgore to Celia "Did you hit on that gate, too?"

[Makiru]

...What system did you say this was again?:smallconfused::smalleek:

Magical Burst, I seem to recall him saying.

[Erth16]

Magical Burst, I seem to recall him saying.

That is correct, the fourth edition specifically.
It is found at Yarukizerogames.com if you are interested.

[DigoDragon]

Ivan: "Oh Animorphs? Yeah, I read that. Rachel dies."
Gus: "Wait, what?"
Ivan: "Yeah, she gets killed in the face. Oh sorry... spoiler alert."

DM: "Candy, you smell what sounds like-"
Terry: "Ha, smells what sounds like?"
DM: "Fine. You smell what smells like-"
Bobby: "Hurrr... smell."

Ivan: "I inspect the genitalia-- er, janitorial closet."

Raven: "$%^%&$^*&^$#%@$%!!!"
Terry: "Guess Raven's awake."
Maxwell: "She seems to be in a pleasant mood."

Ivan: (Jumps in an elevator) "Time to Split!"
Raven: "... I'll take the next elevator."

Succubus: *Activates magical lightning mace*
Bobby: "Huh, an electric mace. I wonder where you plug it in?"
Ivan: "I bet she knows."

DM: "Okay, so Gus shoots the succubus, Raven sets it on fire, Maxwell powers up the Tau rifle, and Maggie... accidentally shoots Maxwell in the butt."
Maxwell: "My biscuits!"

Candy: "Don't forget to buy up your sword skill!"
Bobby: "He might not have a sword skill to begin with."
Gus: "Well Ivan is KGB right? He might know daggers."
Candy: "Do they train in swords?"
DM: "I'd assume the KGB train in piano wire."

Ivan: "I like boats."
Terry: "I do too... not."
Maxwell: "Only if it's in dry dock?"
Terry: "Not even if stuffed and mounted in a museum."

Dinosaur: "It smells like toast, but tastes like butt!"

Maxwell: "Any magazines here while I wait?"
DM: "Giant Knockers Magazine-"
Maxwell: "Yoink!"
DM: "-A catalog of large door knockers and knobs."
Maxwell: *Gets up and leaves the table in shame*

Terry: "We found the Last Will & Testament of the Secret Masters."
Maxwell: "I'm covering up my head."
Raven: "Warehouse 23 is hereby bequeathed to oblivion and its subsidiaries?"
Bobby: "That a Japanese company?"
Terry: "And to Maxwell Paladin I leave this 1741 bottle of Bushmills whisky."
Maxwell: "Ooh?"
Terry: "And a boot to the head."
Maxwell: *Booted*
Terry: "And one for Raven and the wimp."
Raven: *Booted*
Gus: *Booted*

Gus: "I'm curious about my DC3 that transforms into Super Robot Time Master Martian Successor Devastator on the toy card here."
Ivan: "It's like Megatron holding a Megatron that shoots Megatrons from its cannon."

Ivan: "I use Detect Lies to see if my 8-Ball is screwing with me."
Actual 8-Ball Toy: "All signs point to yes."

Bobby: "I throw the subway tram at it."

Maxwell: "Ivan, can I see the model rocket?"
Ivan: "Awww, I wanted to shoot it."
Maxwell: "If anyone is going to screw up a rocket launch, it's going to be an American. Give it here!"

[VincentTakeda]

Mr. Crow is a little bit out from shoreline in the water, and hears a voice:
(The voice is a friend that got separated from his sailing crew over a month ago. She has been placed in an iron maiden hanging from a tree on the shore of the island nearby.)
Voice: Crow? is that you?
Mr. Crow rolls a nat 1 on perception check... Thinks his god Gozreh is talking to him.
Mr. Crow: Yes?
Voice: Well gods be praised get me out of here!
Mr. Crow: and how exactly would I go about getting you out of the sky?
Voice: I'm not in the sky, you daft bird... I'm on the ISLAND... Big pile of ROCKS AND SAND... Its what separates the water on the LEFT from the water on the RIGHT!

[Dasgovernator]

"Let that be a lesson to you--Don't jump in a T-rex's mouth if you want to survive"

"Like I care about being eaten. 'Thanks, now I'm that much closer to your heart'"

"I'm Evil. I don't check facts"

"So our Skald has been beat-boxing this whole time?"

"So its Light Heavy Armour?"

"Slayers and talking don't really go hand-in-hand"

"All we're here to do is shop. The murder comes later"

"You. You're supposed to be dead."
". . . I'm not. Surprise?"

"We leave home for 5 minutes, and all of a sudden there's a great Silver Wyrm Dragon sitting on top of it. This whole neighborhood's gone to Heaven"

"Sadly it doesn't work like in Highlander"
"You mean there can be more than one?"

"We can finally purge the Frenchmen from the Forest"

"So we're burning down the Burning Men festival?"

"Is there ever a bad time for a flying Trex on your side"

"Did we just interrupt Boggard Mardi gras?"

"How many people usually die at their parties?"

(In Stoner voice)"Dude . . . I'm on fire!?!"

"When does one plus six equal six?"
"When you're doing chaotic math!"

"Its like a horror movie . . on the set of Saving Private Ryan"

"Reflex Save to avoid frogs"

"Did we just re-enact 300?"
"No. The Persians actually fought back"

"So its a Ghost that's pretending to not be a Dragon"

[cavalieredraghi]

Spark: "While he shouts two more times at the hole in Sabina's head."

[GPuzzle]

Thomas: "Oh, great, we're at Stalingrad."
Libra: "How did this campaign go from being a normal High Fantasy RPG whose RP concept was to toy with the stereotypes to becoming essentially a fusion between Doctor Who, Fire Emblem, Futurama, Looper and Neon Genesis Evangelion again?"

Thomas: "Am I the Only Sane Man in here?"
Libra: "Keep breaking the fourth wall and you will stop being it."

Robin: "I'm still amused that Thomas and Libra aren't dating yet."
Thomas and Libra: *facedesks*
Adric: "I'll need some paper and a pen."
Linus: "Okay, there you go."
Adric: *furiously writes fanfic of Thomas and Libra*

Linus: "I am genuinely considering changing my name to Robert Parr."
Anders: "I call dibs on Dash!"
Robin: "And I on Violet!"

Linus: *muttering* "The sound of the mort-"
Thomas: *grabs knife and puts it against Linus' throath* "Don't you dare."

Linus: "Heavens, this is awful."
Anders: "Somme and Passchendaele were worse."
Linus: "You weren't even there."
Anders: "I'm The Doctor, I was everywhere!"

Thomas: "The Devil is Dave Grohl and he's missing a horn. Two questions: why am I not surprised, and how do we defeat him?"
Linus: "I think I know how: singing!"
Libra: "For the first time that might actually be the right awnser."

[DigoDragon]

"I guess a Luck penalty would be like if a deathclaw crossed your path or something."

[Necroticplague]

MAGE:*Mass Hold Person*
Gene: Sorry, monstrous humanoid, try again.
Term: Aberration, not effecting me.
Phil: Undead, immune on two level.
Qwert: Outsider, I'm good.
DM:Five people who are all human, and not a single one of you are humanoid?
Gene: Thank WOTC for templates.

[GPuzzle]

Thomas: "I'm getting tired of those running gags."
Robin: "So that explains why the hostages are still shouting!"

Thomas: "Great, stands exist in this."
Anders:"MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA"

Rabbi: "Good news everyone! The murdered girl was Jewish!"
Libra: "I feel like we're missing part of the joke here."

Anders: "Welcome to Stalingrad - Population: 13,000 living, - 215,000 dead - 137,000 soldiers and a malfunctioning tank."

Adric: "I love the smell of a Fireball in the morning."

[DigoDragon]

Terry: "Okay, let's go pick up Ivan. He's in a burlap sack somewhere."
Raven: "Forget Ivan, bring the sack."
Terry: "Well Ivan is useful."
Raven: "Don't discredit the value of a burlap sack."

Gus: "Screw shaped bit, rotational motor, battery... okay, you know the drill."

Raven: "My best guess is that you blew the battery contacts on the Tau Rifle."
Ivan: "So... would a car battery work?"
Raven: "Sure, if it were nuclear."
Maxwell: "What, they don't sell plutonium at every street corner drug store in 1985?"

Ivan: "I throw the clock out the window."
DM: "It breaks."
Ivan: "Time flies."
Terry: "I'm throwing Ivan."

Gus: "You said there are spare magazines in the gun case?"
DM: "Yes."
Gus: "I'll take a copy of Time and Life."

Terry: "Is there a reason you two can't share?"
Gus: "One reason they can't share might be because neither one is Sonny."

Terry: "So did Dr. Penrod give you a time frame on when he'd arrive?"
Otis: "I expect my copy of Duke Nuken Forever to arrive before he does."

Maxwell: "I got some nuclear batteries. We need to blow up a pyramid."
Gus: "Why do we want to blow up a pyramid?"
Terry: "How do we blow up a pyramid?"
Raven: "When do we blow up a pyramid?"
Ivan: "I admit I'm with the broad on that last question."

Ivan: "You know it would be a lot easier if it weren't so gawd damned impossible."

[TheHoodedTeddy]

Player 2: Nose goes!
Everyone: Covers their nose.
Me: Dammit! I'm a Warforged, I don't have a nose!


P2: I cast fireball!
*Starts roll*
Wait, we're in a wooden building.
*Dice land, 18*
DM: *giggles maniacally*

[DigoDragon]

I was a player in this campaign!
Maybe you can figure out which one is me...


Max: "So that's what it is?"
GM: "Yeah, it reminds me of this pic-"
Dorn: *Horkkk!*
GM: "...?"
Max: "...?"
GM: "Are you okay?"
Dorn: "No, I impaled myself with my chair."

GM: "Taylor, I found an heir for you."
Taylor: "I like heirs. I'm an heir-head you know."

Max: "I know, I'll take Spell Penetration as my Fighter bonus feat."
Dorn: "You want penetration, but not for spells."
Taylor: "Hey lassie, I got a fine spell to show you."

Dorn: "Here, let me see the book... Yup, crap for names in here."
Max: "What, crap grenade?"
Taylor: *Fart explosion SFX*
Max: "My name is Dookie McFecal!"

Dorn: "Okay, I got a name for my character. An armored dwarf cleric tank named-"
Max: "Name him Abrams."
Dorn: "... perfect middle name!"
GM: "Big, slow, and gets 2 miles per gallon?"
Dorn: "Yeah, but no creature is going to dare get within those 2 miles!"
Max: "Our own all-terrain assault dwarf."

Toddler: *Grabs Dorn's character sheet*
Dorn: "Ack! There goes me character sheet!"
Toddler: *NOM NOM NOM*
Lia: "Must have been good stats."
Dorn: "Aye, they were..."

Lia: "Give me a good name for a horse."
Max: "Jesus."
Taylor: "Thunder."
[A silent moment where the two look at each other]
Max & Taylor: "THUNDER JESUS!"

High Priest: "For the past 30 years you've trained here, I've been explaining a problem to you in secrecy."
Taylor: "Wow, 30 years just to explain your problem? You're not very good at explanations."

Max: "I just want to know if SummerSet was SummerSet or is it not SummerSet and it's something else?"
Dorn: "Planet Bob."
Max: "Bob it is! I am from Bob."

Dorn: "Knowledge Religion-23. Does this 'Max' person seem to bear the resemblence to a hound archon?"
GM: "Hound Archons scream Lawful Good. Does he seem lawful or good?"
Max: "Well, I'm off to booze up!"
Dorn: "... I can't think of a nice response to that, so no."

[the OOD]

New Campaign!


Leochou: so, I put a laser sight on my shotgun...
Tesla: wait, I have the perfect idea!
Petra: what?
Tesla: laser-guided lasers!

Tesla: do I find anything on the firefly transport?
GM: yeah, the smuggling compartment
Tesla: what, not the captain's booze stash?
GM: the booze stash is in the smuggling compartment
Tesla: I need this for... medical reasons
GM: you're a robot.
Petra: as cook, I would like to claim the booze
Leochou: granted, but put the scotch in the medbay
Petra: why?
Leochou: we need a therapist.

Leochou: this is called a "firing stance". use it. like it. love it. make sweaty, passionate love to it.

Leochou: why do you keep shooting at us? I'm being really, really, nice

GM: Petra gets hit by a plaspistol for 12 damage
Petra: I'm at -9 :smalleek:
Leochou: what? they shot our cook? why?
GM: because the last 10 times they shot you it had no effect.
Leochou: right... I'm gonna run over and try to learn first-aid.

Leochou: don't shoot me, shoot the medic!
GM: you are the medic
Leochou: don't shoot the medic!

Leochou: when Petra gets released from the hospital, I give her the box full of grenades
Petra: thank you! *bear hug*
GM: this is going to end really, really, well, I can just feel it

Petra: huh, if I fail a DC10 check when I throw a grenade with psychokinesis, I throw the pin and keep holding the grenade
party:smalleek:

Leochou: Tesla, how many pairs of flexi-cuffs can you craft from one credit's worth of unrefined plastics
Tesla: ummm... 160, I think. It'll take me a few hours if I do
Leochou: that should last us for the rest of the campaign.

Leochou: I mount a grenade in a glass case on the wall of the mess deck with the label "break in case of emegancy"
GM: why?
Leochou: just, y'know, in case.
Petra: can I see it from my kitchen?
Leochou: yes.
Petra: is it within my psychokinetic range?
Leochou: yes.
Petra: ok then
Tesla: maxim 23: "The company mess and friendly fire should be easier to tell apart"

Leochou: huh, I ran out of flexi-cuffs.
*silence*
Leochou: so.... how much bondage is to much bondage?

Leochou: godamit, who has medical ranks?
Aron: not me
Tesla: nope
Devan: no
Petra: no, but I know where the booze is.
Leochou: congratulations on your promotion, doctor.

Leochou: Aron, new sanding orders: never speak to our client unless they are under the influence of sexy-times pheromones.
Aron: you're not my dad.
Leochou: no, I'm your captain. I sign your paychecks.

GM: where are your holdouts?
Aron: leg
Tesla: don't have one
Petra: in my brain
Leochou: inner thigh
GM: wait, why?
Leochou: homophobes never check the balls.

Leochou: naked-time explosions are the best explosions.

Petra: I coup de grace the rock with a kitchen knife.

Leochou: I head back to pick up Petra
Petra: by the time you arrive I have eviscerated the corpses and drawn a pentagram in blood and entrails.
Leochou: y'know, I'm so glad that we've dealt with the whole "scaring away tourists" issue

[Cristo Meyers]

I didn't come up with this one, but still:

"That's a ancient artifact of immense cosmic power, it's not for playing Freebird!"

[Hunter Noventa]

I didn't come up with this one, but still:

"That's a ancient artifact of immense cosmic power, it's not for playing Freebird!"

What about Stairway to Heaven?

[Cristo Meyers]

What about Stairway to Heaven?

That was my first thought too :smallbiggrin:

[DigoDragon]

"Eh. I'm rather used to [the doctor] failing at anything that isn't killing someone."

[Spore]

Something I stumbled upon: http://imgur.com/gallery/Vhj78 (Warning: strong language)

[Dasgovernator]

Nerusk: Frankendracozombie. It's perfect.

NPC: "I'm not your messenger boy"
Val: "That's how he ends it? I was expecting 'Please don't eat me'"
DM: "They only say that to Kamien"

Nerusk: "Its an Invisible timebomb! How will we know which wire to cut"

Nerusk: "I slip a piece of paper into his pocket"
DM: "Okay, what's it say"
Nerusk: "Explosive Runes"
Val: ". . . So much for subtly"

DM: "You hear about a massive explosion in a tavern later in town"
*Everyone looks at Nerusk
Nerusk: "Terrorism now? This whole place has gone downhill"

Nerusk: "If he looks like a Paladin, I'll disguise myself as a Hound Archon"

Victor: "What is it boy? Has Lassie fallen into the Abyssal plane?"

DM: "Go figure--the impaling spine through the head is what killed him"

Kamien: "I'm sorry but your evil was in another castle"

Victor: "So, how devout would you say you are on a 1-10 scale?"
Val: "Sounds like we might have a position open for you in our 'human resources' department"

Victor: "You poor soul. You wanted to meet your god, but instead you met ours"

Val: "Make sure to pet enough kitties to offset the genocide if you want to remain neutral"

[DigoDragon]

Kard: "Give me the strongest drink you got."
Bartender: *Serves Kard something dark in a vibrating glass*
Kard: "Um... need some help here."
Dorn: "Do you need a straw or an exorcism?"

Kard: "Arg, I can't... rip out this S... from the bag..."
Dorn: "You know, we have scissors."
Kard: "Witchcraft!! There, I got my S."
GM: "You just need the other letters to complete the word- T, U, P, I, and D..."
Kard: "Sput? Oh... awww..."

GM: "Dorn, do you use a healing spell on Lia? She's down 2 hit points."
Dorn: "Bah, that's not much. Here's a mug of ale."
Lia: "???"
Dorn: "What? It's a dwarven healing potion!"

Daniel: "Come on, let's get outta here!"
Dorn: "Hang on, I'm not built for cross country!"

GM: "Roll perception."
Dorn: "8"
Taylor: "9"
Max: "21"
Dorn: "Max, you're seeing too straight. You need another beer."

Max: "Hey, food run? Can I join in or are you and Lia on a date or something?"
Dorn & Lia: "EH? DATE!?"
Lia: "Me with a dwarf? Maybe after taking 10 points of INT damage."
Dorn: "I'd date an elf if she were a foot shorter and 50 pounds heavier. Maybe."
Lia: "And what's up with that beard?"
Dorn: "What's wrong with my beard? It's a good beard!"
Max: "Um... maybe I asked the wrong question."

Nigel: "I came here through a portal."
Max: "Not a tree?"
Nigel: "No, mine was more of an Arch."
Max: "Are those things common here?"
Dorn: "What, the portals?"
Max: "No, trees."

GM: "Roll Intelligence."
Kard: "1... I steal from myself. Damn you, arm! Who are you working for?!"

Merchant: "We sold a gnome hook-hammer to a cleric."
Lia: "Which faith?"
Merchant: "I believe it was Bane."
Dorn: "Oh. Is that all?"
Lia: "Yeah, nothing big."
Dorn: "Only the end of the world."
Lia: "If we're lucky."
Max: "Psst, who's Bane?"
Dorn: "You ever been kicked in the crotch? Imagine a whole faith based on it. That's Bane."

[GPuzzle]

Max: "Hey, food run? Can I join in or are you and Lia on a date or something?"
Dorn & Lia: "EH? DATE!?"
Lia: "Me with a dwarf? Maybe after taking 10 points of INT damage."
Dorn: "I'd date an elf if she were a foot shorter and 50 pounds heavier. Maybe."
Lia: "And what's up with that beard?"
Dorn: "What's wrong with my beard? It's a good beard!"
Max: "Um... maybe I asked the wrong question."

DornxLia best ship

[Cristo Meyers]

Merchant: "We sold a gnome hook-hammer to a cleric."
Lia: "Which faith?"
Merchant: "I believe it was Bane."
Dorn: "Oh. Is that all?"
Lia: "Yeah, nothing big."
Dorn: "Only the end of the world."
Lia: "If we're lucky."
Max: "Psst, who's Bane?"
Dorn: "You ever been kicked in the crotch? Imagine a whole faith based on it. That's Bane."

Bane is the host of America's Funniest Home Videos?

[dysike]

"Ok if you agree to help me I will give you half of your dead wife back"

this was between two PCs by the way

[DigoDragon]

DornxLia best ship

Heehee, we had a lot of fun with those two. Really good chemistry.



Bane is the host of America's Funniest Home Videos?

I think that question did come up once during the campaign. The crotch-kicking was the most prevalent running gag with clerics of Bane. Our GM then was weird, but entertaining.



"Ok if you agree to help me I will give you half of your dead wife back"

Uh... O_O

[cesius]

Player 1: I just need the head for the seance so I'll take that and leave the rest of the body behind.
GM: Do you have a knife or something?
Player 1: It only takes about 40 pounds of pressure to pop a head off so I'll just step on his neck.
GM: ...
Player 2: He's right.
GM: I don't know what's more disturbing: that you're doing this or that you both knew that.

And from a completely separate game:
"We're going to find out what Mormon lesbians want!"

[Inevitability]

Our GM then was weird, but entertaining.

This is how I want my players to remember me.

[Mutazoia]

"When you said we had to find the 'Flaming Sword', I thought you were talking about a magical weapon....not Gay Zoro..."

[OctoberRaven]

"Come to think of it, I had met a Southerner once before, when I was traveling with father to Duke Whitblade's court. He too was a strange fellow."
"What was he like?"
"He was a human, but had orange skin and tall spiky hair. He may have been part goblin. He also kept insisting that every castle built in the Four Kingdoms were made by creatures from another dimension. I believe he called them... Ale-y-ens."

[Rater202]

Billy: Wait, shouldn't we have set the place on fire after we killed the monster and left the building?

[Svata]

Me (in dimensionally locked dungeon, after being dominated by BBEG): *Time stop**rolls 4**Wall of Force behind party**Cloudkill at party**Forcecage around party**Wall of force in front of party**Prismatic wall in front of party*

Party:*Dies*

DM: Huh.

Party: Huh.

Me: Sooo, evil undead overrun the world?

DM: Yeah.

[bulbaquil]

Shadowrun:

P5: "Alternatively, we could use my bike so that if it doesn't work as a psychological roadblock, we can use it as a real roadblock."

GM: "So, a bright, sunny morning... wait, you guys are in Seattle."

P4: "I like long walks on the beach and through highly secure facilities."

GM: "So what happened was four guys were minding their own business, and then the door exploded."
P1: "Did they get turned into pancakes?"
GM: "No, they didn't get turned into pancakes because the door exploded."

P2: "I've never talked to a spirit before! Can I ride in you until we get there?"

[Kato]

Random barkeeper: Greetings.
Player (absolutely serious and truthful): Greetings, dear sir. We are on a secret mission from the church of Praios, looking for an evil artifact.
Rest of the group and DM stare at her open mouthed.

(That was her first session and about the first thing she ever did in game. She's gotten better. A bit :smallbiggrin:)

[Dasgovernator]

Leo: "'They're only unconscious, they'll be fine, lets leave'--said the doctor to the coma patient's family"

Radiv: "Are you robbing me?"
Kit: "I'm trying to help you!"
Radiv: "You still took things out of my pockets while I was unconscious!"

Radiv: "You're using the smelling salts on the horse?"
Kit: "I am NOT walking out of here!"

Radiv: "There was this flash of light and then a vision"
Peaks: "Its called black spots--don't worry about it!"

Peaks: "Nothing happened to me, I was too busy being awesome!"

Kit: "I'm not the one who got my ass knocked over by a book!"

Ulck: "Kick the Lion, that's a brilliant idea. No wonder you got captured"

Peaks: "I slap him in the face a few times"
Leo: "I'm already awake you fool!"
Peaks: ". . . I do it anyway"

Radiv: "It was almost like my dream had really bad grammar"
DM: "It was done to build atmosphere of course. Dreams aren't supposed to be intelligible. Yeah that sounds right."

Leo: "I guess she's just a Strong Independent Woman and doesn't need a man's help. Throw her back to the werewolves guys!"

Ulck: "He doesn't know how to use a compass. He's a Lion Druid"
Leo: "How do you use this thing?"
Radiv: "It tells you what direction is North!"
Leo: [Confused] "Humans need a thing for that?"

DM: "You were ambushed in your house by werewolves, are you sure you don't want to bring the party with you?"

Kit: "Are you saying you're my Ben Kenobi then?

Leo: "Sinj Fireballed first!"

Kit: "You jerks. Judging me on my house . . ."
Ulck: "Your house tried to kill us the last time we were here!"

Ulck: Fortunately for us, the Werewolves are also getting in character. This one's doing a great imitation of a stormtrooper "

Leo: "A Phobia is more like an irrational fear, I think getting mauled by Lions is pretty universal"

Kit: "Her hair is dripping red"
Ulck: "Not something you see every day. Hair-i-cide"

Ulck: "Die Cauldron, Die!"

Ulck: "You keep your crab in a kettle?"
Kit: "Of course. Under the tea"

Ulck: "Are you going to explain that? Or is that just a thing you do?"

Ulck: "Plot Hook? Is that some kind of weapon?"

Leo: "Uh . . .I'm the Rat Exterminator!"

Kit: "Oh god, don't have Sinj hunt rats--He'll burn the town down by missing so much"

Ulck: "We're getting attacked by runes from the sky!"

Leo: "I figure he eats like a Lion. Like maybe once a day"
Ulck: "Jeez, what size rats do you think you find in this town?"

[Neli42]

P1:(About to swim, after removing armor and undressing) I know I don't take the armor check penalty now. Can I also get a nekkid bonus?

[goto124]

P1:(About to swim, after removing armor and undressing) I know I don't take the armor check penalty now. Can I also get a nekkid bonus?

Sex and Race please?

[Neli42]

Sex and Race please?
Ah, but that would be context. :smalltongue:
Seriously...female human barbarian 1/sorceress 4

The requested bonus was denied.

[DigoDragon]

BB: "Shoot! I forgot my guitar back home."
Dorn: "An actual guitar?"
BB: "Yeah, but I don't know how to play it yet."
Dorn: "Good thing you left it at home then."

Max: "I throw my beer at him."
BB: "Oww! I've been mugged!"

Town Crier: "The royals have decreed that there will be no 'Getting jiggy' with anything dead!"
Lia: "Na nana na nanaa na, Na nana na nanaa NA!"
Dorn: "Gettin jiggy wit it!"

GM: "The town crier says that overnight they caught the murderer- kinda/sorta.
Max: "Wait, what?"
Dorn: "There shouldn't be any middle ground. Either they did or they didn't."

Town Crier: "The butler says he didn't kill his master's wife the second time."
Taylor: "The second time? She came back from the dead?"
Town Crier: "Hence the law of not getting jiggy with the dead."
Dorn: "Animate Dead as foreplay?"
Town Crier: "Rumor has it a demon did her in the second time."
Taylor: "Great... so it wasn't a werewolf."
Dorn: "We're just thumbing our way through the SRD's lists."
Taylor: "What's next, Liches?"
Dorn: "Let's guess the next page's challenge for the plucky heroes! Could be good, could be liches!"

Urgosh: *Puts map down his shorts*
Max: "Uh, why did you...?"
Urgosh: "Safe place, no one go in there."

GM: "The party stops by a tree to rest."
Max: "I set it on fire... well, I wait until Taylor climbs up first, then set it on fire."
Taylor: "Gee... thanks."

Dorn: "Quick, cast Darkness at the Magic Missile!"

Faerie Dragon: "Is there a leader to your group?"
Dorn: "No, we're an autonomous collective."
Taylor: "Great, we're the borg."
Max: "Resistance is futile. Bend over."

GM: *Starts placing a lot of goblins on the battle mat*
Dorn: "That's a lot of goblins."
Taylor: "Good, more for everyone."
GM: *Still placing more goblins on the battle mat*
Taylor: "That's a lot of goblins."
Dorn: "Did I not just say that?"

Lia: "So maybe this drow is one of the good ones?"
Dorn: "We'll soon find out."
BB: "If he's not evil, then he wasn't well Endrowed."

Kard: "I claw at the giant spider, lift it up, and throw it back at the party to take care of."
GM: "So who are you throwing the spider at?"
Kard: "Realistically at whoever is not Vincent."
Dorn: "Neither of them are named Vincent."
Kard: "-Shut up."

GM: "Okay, Urgosh flattens the giant spider with his warhammer, then Max slices it clean in half."
Dorn: "Looks like a grilled cheese sandwich now."
Mandy: "Kard has claws?"
Lia: "Mental note, find out what Kard is."
Dorn: "Mmmm, grilled cheese sandwiches."

Urgosh: "Oh! I got idea!"
Taylor: "Did the barbarian just say he has an idea?"

GM: "Dorn, your turn."
Dorn: (Throws a dagger, critical hit) "The power of Lathander cuts like a knife!"
Taylor: "What?"
Dorn: "Shh, let me have my 15 minutes."

Kard: "For some reason my decision making skills may lead to a small, but noticible problem in my immediate future."

Lia: "So this drow isn't evil."
Kard: "How'd you get here?"
Darkleaf: "I was beat up and dragged here."
Kard: "From whereabouts I mean?"
Darkleaf: "The Dalelands."
Dorn: "That's a long way being dragged on your butt. You need some Preparation-H or something?"

GM: "You see a cleric of Bane--"
Max: "Covering up my crotch."

BBEG: "I have a compadre who's interested in the furry one and Kard."
Lia: "Come down here and I'll show you something interesting with my Blade!!"
Taylor: "Please don't antagonate the high level cleric."
Kard: "Please don't antagonize the Common language."
Max: "Whatever, just don't antagonize my crotch."

GM: "Max, you are starting to remember something from your dad's journals..."
Dorn: "You left the oven on back home."
Max: "Oh shi--!"

Dorn: "Well Shiro is on the bandwagon of 'Let's kill all dragons because they're evil and they have done us wrong'."
Lia: "So either the clutch burned down his kitten orphanage or Shiro has fallen to a 'Dominate' spell."
Dorn: "We'll see which it is as only Kard and Max know anything about this feline monk. If it is the latter case, I can try casting a one-two combo of 'Break Enchantment' on Shiro followed up with a 'Power Word: Groin Kick' to the original caster."

[MasterBruce1984]

Around a scrying well, Hrothgar (Cleric) went ahead and pissed in it. Afterwards, my character was surrounded by the water and given visions of the future.

Me - "Why the **** does the future smell like asperagus?"

[Ninjaxenomorph]

"They're going to preach at you in German!"

"That's the angriest of languages."

[DigoDragon]

Dorn: "Huh, swore I put the map on the table."
Toddler: *Spits out the forest map-- completely chewed up and slobbered on*
Dorn: "Ahh... Well I hope you all remember our way back. Map's ruined."

BB: "So what would happen if you were possessed by a Marijuana Elemental?"
Dorn: "You'd need a priest to 'weed' it out."

GM: "So are we taking the scepter back to town or are we going down the scary looking hole?"
Dorn: "If we go back to town, the enemies in the hole would be long gone when we return."
Taylor: "So should we go down the hole?"
Max: "I'm for the hole."
Kard: "Me too."
Dorn: "Same here."
Taylor: "Okay!"
Lia: "Notice that all the guys have no problems exploring holes?"
Max: "It's what we do."

Kard: "Oww! My chainmail cod piece!"

Fire Elemental: "Why are you intruders here?"
Lia: "Uh... we're selling these fine leather jackets."

Dorn: "Lia, is something wrong with Kard? You have that look of 'Smite Evil' on your face."
Lia: "Yeah, he bestowed negative levels to those goblins he touched during the fight."
Dorn: *Inching away from Kard*
Kard: "Well, I didn't know I could do that."
Dorn: "Guess that's one way the gods keep ya from playing with yourself."
Kard: "Thanks. You just killed me a little on the inside."

Lich: "You do realize that you pissed off a faithful follower of Bane, right?"
Max: "Yes, our crotches are well aware of that."

Dorn: "So now I have this ring. The Lich gave it to me-"
Lia: "A lich gave you this ring?!"
Dorn: "Yeah, I'm rather confused about that point. So anyway, he said if we need help-"
Lia: "It's a lich!! You do not ask them for help! Distroy that ring!"
Dorn: "I would, but breaking it is how you summon the lich for assistance."
Lia: "But that thing could be cursed! Why didn't you wake me up earlier to deal with this?"
Dorn: "Well for starters we're about 18 levels out of our league against a lich..."
Lia: "So what do you plan on doing with that ring?"
Dorn: *Writes a note on the ring: 'Ring of possibly helpful evil lich summoning. Do not break. Unpredictable result. Could be good, could be liches.'*

[ZeroGear]

Dorn: "Huh, swore I put the map on the table."
Toddler: *Spits out the forest map-- completely chewed up and slobbered on*
Dorn: "Ahh... Well I hope you all remember our way back. Map's ruined."

Real toddler or in-game toddler?



Fire Elemental: "Why are you intruders here?"
Lia: "Uh... we're selling these fine leather jackets."


It's sad that I actually know the origin of that quote.

[blacklight101]

In the grim darkness of the far future... you can't hear the heads popping in space. :smallfrown:

In the grim darkness of the far future there is only... whoops :smalleek:

[Nod_Hero]

Paladin: How many halflings can we fit into the chest?
DM: UM...
Paladin: If we put clown faces on them can we fit more?

[dysike]

"So we're hunting evil Bob Marley?"

"There was an invisible demon there, and I killed it... with my face"

DM: Okay, what poison would you like to buy?
player: something which paralyses so I can slice up my enemies with them helpless.
DM: what alignment are you again?
player: Neutral Good
DM: yeah no

"Echo Winter is not a special snowflake, Echo Winter is the specialist snowflake to ever exist"

"Hey get up"
"I'm sorry which of us just took a bolt of chaos energy to the brain"

"I'm not stripping off for the sake of your plan"
"Fine plan B it is then"
"Does that also involve me being naked"
"... ok plan C"
"what's plan C?"
"Kill everything"

"Out of curiosity was there a plan D"
"Yes, sell Megan"
"Why me"
"I had an associate of mine give me estimates a while back and you came up as the most valuable, you should be complimented"

[DigoDragon]

Real toddler or in-game toddler?

Real toddler. My own daughter to be precise. She was getting exposed to RPGs quite early. XD
She's old enough now to actually play a bit.



Paladin: If we put clown faces on them can we fit more?

This is an important and relevant question. :smallbiggrin:

[TheHoodedTeddy]

"Wall of force is officially my new favorite spell. It has so many uses, like attack blocking, charge blocking , c**k blocking..."

[the OOD]

Tesla: awww... craft(art) got nerfed

GM: **** you, I'm god!
Leochou: it's Zeus!

Leochou: Plant Jesus, do you know how to *really* kill something so it stays dead?
Cesus: how?
Leochou: Kill It With Fire.
Cesus: :smalleek:

GM: the fabber bot walk up and punches you in the face
Leochou: I roll to block it with MANLY CHARISMA!

Leochou: what the hell kind of company combat-specs it's fabrication bots?
Tesla: the BEST kind.

Cesus: I drop to one knee, fire my rifle... and miss horribly
GM: Leochou is in your line of fire, roll wild shot.
Cesus: *rolls dice* um. wow. oops.
GM: you just shot Leo in the rear
Cesus: I'm sorry captain, I'll make it better! :smalleek:
Tesla: how?
Cesus: I'll pull the bullet out of his a$$ and pour sap down hole?

Leochou: you may think I am the universal punching bag, but you have yet to face my MANLY FISTICUFFS!

Tesla: and now you know why fighting robots is annoying.
Leochou: because the folks fighting them are incompetent?

Cesus: I drop to one knee, fire my rifle, and... oh god, not again.
GM: roll wild shot.
Cesus: *cringes* 19
Leochou: god dammit Jesus!
Cesus: I'm so sorry, please don't kill me. :smalleek:
*beat*
Cesus: I'll wait on the ship.

Cesus: capt'n, you have buns of steel.

Tesla: so in a five man band band (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/FiveManBand), Leochou is The Hero (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheHero)/Leader (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheLeader), the Smart Guy (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheSmartGuy) is Tesla, the Big Guy (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheBigGuy) is... also Tesla, and Aron is the token evil (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TokenEvilTeammate)teammate. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/LeaderWannabe)
Cesus: then Petra is The Chick (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheChick)?
Leochou: nope, Lancer (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheLancer).
Petra: and The Chick is?
Leochou: Jesus

*Petra takes a firing stance*
Leochou: I'm so proud!:smallsmile:

GM: now the five sex bots-
Tesla: sex bots?
GM: oops, I mean the five next bots

Leochou: my armor is damaged, next turn I'm stripping
Tesla: mid combat?
Leochou: sure, It's not like I'm using it for anything else.

Leochou: if only surge protectors existed in the dark dystopia of the far future

GM: you see Leochou standing if front of you, having fought his way across the station, shirt ripped from manly fisticuffs, pants disintegrated by salvos of laser fire, carrying only a shotgun and a holdout strapped to his inner thigh, the few remaining scraps of cloth smoldering gently, AND HE DOESN'T HAVE A SINGLE GODDAMN SCRATCH ON HIM.



*tornado blitz (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CbZrcNMPNc) starts playing on the shuffled playlist*
Tesla: this sounds familiar.
Leochou: it was John's theme in the Reality Bites game.
GM: oh! it's what was playing while I flew a chinook(helicopter) backwards carrying 3000lbs of flying doombas!
Leochou: with the door open so R.O.V.E.R. could shoot down the incoming nukes.
Cesus: wait, what?
Leochou: wait, you haven't heard about that game? settle in, it's story time.

Leochou: ugh, the robotic combat rules are getting really annoying, can we just sterilize this place from orbit?

Petra: what is the point of a "defensive" grenade? :smallconfused:

Aron: my art is the perfect weapon against the regime of competent leadership!

Tesla: am I the only one who is hearing Leochou in Major Armstrong's voice?
GM: no.
Petra: thanks, now I am to.
Leochou: *removes shirt* this Manliness has been passed down the Armstrong Family for GENERATIONS!


confession time, who got caught by the tvtropes links?

[Diachronos]

"Arcane magic grows backwards."

"Just stop fondling the statuary in general."

[Rater202]

Spark:you know biting hurts right Gear?
Gear:It's an expression.
Spark:I am just saying Gear. It does hurt but it is also like kissing only there is a winner.
Gear:If kissing is like biting, then Monkey and I are doing something wrong.
Sabina:I heard from a friend of a friend, that nibbling a colt's ear is like a special kind of kiss.
Gear:...We've already figured that out.
Sabina:Heehee, well you two are smart so... I guess you'd both learn a lot from each other

[goto124]

OOD: When Leochou removed his shirt, was that IC or OoC?

[Suichimo]

This seems really obvious, Ood, but was Leochou based off of Major Armstrong?

[the OOD]

OOD: When Leochou removed his shirt, was that IC or OoC?
OOC
martial artist=IRL fanservice


This seems really obvious, Ood, but was Leochou based off of Major Armstrong?
stunningly enough, no.
(this *might* have changed after last session, though.)

[DigoDragon]

GM: "There are several ships unloading here."
Mandy: "Potato ships?"
GM: "It's a port town."
BB: "As opposed to a starboard town?"

Max: *Suddenly has a drink in hand*
Dorn: "Where'd you get the mudslide?"
Max: "Can't talk now, too sober."

Swift: "I have to go deliver a lot of messages today. Some of them are quite interesting."
Dorn: "You read the mail you deliver?"
Swift: "Yes, in case I have to eat the messages in haste if I'm captured."
Dorn: "You should consider writing them on a side of beef."

Swift: "Did you get a name of the cleric of Bane?"
Dorn: "Um... F word... Fa..."
Lia: "Fazal. I won't forget his name." *snarl*
BB: "Fazal!? Cleric-17 of Bane with over 100 HP and-"
Taylor: "Is BB reading Fazal's stat card?"
BB: "Hey, if The Order of the Stick can do it, so can we."

Old Lady: "So Fazal is collecting these dragon components? Where do you feel you could stop him?"
Taylor: "Well the closest is the Forest of the Wyrm."
Dorn: "Which items are one-of-a-kind? It would be easier to hammer Fazal's plans if we get ahold of a rare item rather then try fighting off his minions for a common one. Dragon dung seems mighty commonplace in the Forest of the Wyrm."
Max: "Made fresh daily?"
Taylor: "Err, yeah, but that means either West Gate or Myth Drannor. Those aren't nice places to go to."
Dorn: "Would you rather shovel a whole forest of dragon crap?"
Taylor: "Point."

Max: "I'm thinker then I'm drunk I am!"

GM: "BB, do you tell them what you found?"
BB: "I tell them what you told me I found."
Dorn: "What do you tell us that you found?"
BB: "I tell you what he told me that I found."
Dorn: (Turns to the GM) "What did you tell him that he's telling us you told him he found?"

Taylor: "So we're going to West Gate by ship?"
BB: "You can. I generally avoid ships."
Dorn: "Here, chug this carton of milk and then we'll drag you along on a bed."
BB: "Not feeling the love here. Who do you think I am?"
Dorn: "BB Barakas."

GM: "In the morning you reach the boat, called The Drunken Sailor."
Lia: "I'm getting tetanus just from looking at it."
Taylor: "What a hunk of junk."
Kard: "No disrespect to the USS Rustolium here."

GM: "You see five people at the table with Shiro."
Mandy: "Got it, five with P."
Taylor: "You wrote a four. You even said five, but you wrote a four."

Dorn: "I've never heard of bestowing negative levels through leadership."

Max: "Are we knocking these people out or do we kill them?"
Taylor: "Ideally we want to knock them out, but we don't live in an ideal world."

[the OOD]

GM: do you have any Queen songs besides Another One Bites the Dust?
Leochou: wait, there are other Queen songs?:smallconfused:

[ZeroGear]

GM: do you have any Queen songs besides Another One Bites the Dust?
Leochou: wait, there are other Queen songs?:smallconfused:


"We Will, We Will, ROCK YOU!"

[Erik Vale]

GM: do you have any Queen songs besides Another One Bites the Dust?
Leochou: wait, there are other Queen songs?:smallconfused:

Why wasn't the next quote *Brutally murdered*? :smallconfused:

[SgtCarnage92]

GM: "In the morning you reach the boat, called The Drunken Sailor."

I have to ask...

What did you do with The Drunken Sailor?
What did you do with The Drunken Sailor?
What did you do with The Drunken Sailor?
Ear-lie in the mornin'

[GPuzzle]

Why wasn't the next quote *Brutally murdered*? :smallconfused:

Well you could say that now...

Another one bits the dust.


YYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*Won't Get Fooled Again starts playing in the background*

[DigoDragon]

Ear-lie in the mornin'

Ear worm, we meet again... :smalltongue:


GM: "We only have 3 players for tonight's session- Dorn, Lia, and Max. You regroup at the tavern."
Dorn: "So a dwarf, an elf, and a talking dog walk into a bar?

Kard: "Ha ha, I'm here now! I actually got some sleep and then biked it here."
Lia: "Glad to have you here."
Kard: "See, usually I get really inebriated and stay up all night to enjoy it, but instead I went to bread."
GM: "Went to bread?"
Kard: "We'll go with that. Going to bread, make some toast, lie down with it, and here I am."

Kard: "I know how to lie. Honesty is a tool for the weak."

Dorn: "Do we want to split up to cover more ground?"
Lia: "Actually we voted not to do so."
Dorn: "Oh, you all voted. Then... pick a direction and start walking I suppose."
Max: "Left!"
Dorn: "Okay, we'll all go left then."
Max: "I walk right."
Dorn: "Your nuts are within fist range."
Kard: "Oh, so you're a Bane cleric now?"
Max: "Covering up my crotch and running to the left."

Kard: (Impersonating the BBEG) "Durr, I'm smarter then rocks. Wiser then some."

Evil Cleric: "Which one of you is Shiro?"
Kard: (Disguised) "Me."
Evil Cleric: "Do you have the money."
Kard: "Uh... how much did we agree upon? I get pretty drunk."
Dorn: "Psst, what disguise did Kard use?"
Max: "A female drow."
Dorn: *Facepalm*
Lia: "Yeah, that's so similar to a male cat person that no one would know."
Evil Cleric: "AHEM. We agreed upon 50,000 GP."
Kard: "Wow. Um... in that case let me get Shiro. I'm just his boss- I mean secretary."
Dorn: "Oh this plan is so going down in flames."

GM: "Lia, the two thieves attack and... both miss."
Lia: "I fart in your general direction, HA!"
Kard: "Ha ha, Stinking Cloud of Evasion. I miss that smell- I mean spell."

Lia: "You got Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits?!"
BB: "I'm a bard, I can get anything."

BB: "So I'm out of breath, Max is out of range-"
Dorn: "And you're both out of yer minds."

Dorn: "BB, does your little portal walking trick get you to Suzail in record time too?"
BB: "Err... yeah, that it does, but I don't think I can take you all if that is what you're going to imply."
Dorn: "Oh... well fish sticks. Can you at least be able to take one or two people?"
BB: "Possibly. It would depend on how well my Charisma can score on the gate jumps back to Suzail."
Dorn: "Wait, your trip's success depends on how well you can score?"
Max: "Yep, we're boned."

[CoOkIisme]

This isn't turning into Angry Strix's, no matter what rules you bend.

[Diachronos]

"The ghasts are going to do what they were meant to do. What they were born to do!"
*rolls*
"Roll a 2!"

[Mutazoia]

P1: Sweet...do they come with a pole too?
DM: What?
P2: SLIPPERS!! He said "Elven SLIPPERS"!
P1: Oh....

[TheHoodedTeddy]

Me: So I just laid on my hands, to lay on hands, to lay her hand on?
DM: That about sums it up, yes.
Peanut Gallery: While they sat on their hands.

[DigoDragon]

Max: "I misread this as Aromatic Strike."
Taylor: "That smells funny."

Taylor: "Okay so we... go through this tree?"
Dorn: "Bah, trees."
Kard: "I'll go through it!" (Crashes into the tree)
Lia: "We need a druid to cast the spell first, moron."

Taylor: "Thunder Jesus needs no pants!!"

Kard: "You know I'm starting to like my idea of beating up Shiro."
Dorn: "Well if you really want to-"
Kard: "Problem is I don't want to."
Dorn: "Then stop liking your ideas!"

GM: "Mandy, make an Intelligence check."
Mandy: "But I'm stupid!"

Gomez: "Like my suit? It's Armani."
Taylor: "An Armani brand suit?"
Gomez: "No no, it was a Gnoll named Armani. I had a suit made from his hide after I slew him."

GM: "Morticia comes down wearing a genuine drow black dress."
Lia: "Interesting, how can you possess a drow dress and not have it melt in the sunlight?"
Morticia: "The tailor has an impressive expertise on sewing exotic fabrics."
Dorn: "It also helps that she's indoors."
Lia: "Thanks for ruining the magic."
Max: *Throws Dorn out the window*
Dorn: "Worth Iiiiiiiiitt..."
Gomez: "Be careful of Aristotle, our pet octopus on the lawn."
Dorn: "Yeeeeaaaahhh" *Flies back in through the window and onto a seat as if in rewind*
Max: "Dorn, you came back?"
BB: "He had to, the lawn was octopied."

Max: "That vodka is so fine, I can hear it singing the Soviet national anthem."

Dorn: (Sips his hot coffee) "You know what's the funny thing about hot coffee?"
Duergar Boss: "No, what?"
Dorn: *Throws hot coffee in the duergar's face*

Gomez: "So who will start the bidding for these smokeless powder sticks?"
Duergar Boss: "I start the bid with 10,000 GP and the gnome's head!"
BB: "I bid 15,000 GP and the duergar's balls. No, I take that back. We're not dealing in small change."

[OctoberRaven]

Guard: You have no idea of the mess you just made.
Matilda Hexen: Who is he then?
Guard: Lord Hardiego of the Northern Slopes. And that's his manor.
Kellie: :smalleek: I didn't attack the noble!

DM: Matilda and Roland, You find ample evidence that Lord Hardiego's manor was being used as a base to conspire against the council in an attempt to stage a coup and empower Lord Hardiego himself as a sole ruler.
Matilda: Kellie you did a wonderful job.
DM: None of the paperwork indicates Lord Hardiego himself was involved, but it was his manor filled with people who attacked you right in front of (or behind) his face.
Roland: It seems Lord Hardiego isn't nearly as innocent as we may have presumed
Matilda: Of course. A coup d'etat. Looks like we won't need to interrogate them save for how to save my brother.
Kellie: So I'm not in trouble for hitting him
Matilda: According to these, Kellie, you practically deserve a medal.
Kellie: A-ah..! Right! Of course, that's why I went after him! After all...

and OOC stuff:

Kellie's Player: But <PlayerName> Hill Dwarves.
Vertman's Player: Hank Hill Dwarves
Matilda's Player: They sell stones and stone accessories.

[rs2excelsior]

"Wait... is your Favored Enemy hamsters?"
"It is now."
"Great, I'm going to have to put Dire Hamsters into this game, aren't I?"

"I run past the bandit leader, jump on the table, and start eating some chicken"
*takes an attack of opportunity, makes it to the table*
"You know, you can throw your dagger at the bandit leader."
"I do that." *rolling*
"So the bandit leader now has a dagger in his back. He doesn't do much about it, given that he's fighting like three people in front of him."
"Great. Now I'm dual-wielding chicken."
*later in the round*
"The bandit jumps onto the table, yells 'THAT'S MY CHICKEN!', and swings his sword at you."

"Congratulations, you just healed Adolph."
"Don't mention it. No, really, don't ever mention that."

[YossarianLives]

We sell the finest gnome-skin boots in all the land!

[flame12]

P2: How did this happen? What did I do?
GM: Who are you people?

P1: Do you know any more about – sorry that’s your foot.

Entire table sans p1 breaks out into synchronized dance routine
P1: guys…

GM: (slurred) the great one… wait why is my necromancer drunk?

P2: We dust devil the necromancer

GM: stop trying to make necromancer double A’s
P3: We could make a necromancer lavalamp

GM: Basically the museum is missing
Entire table bursts out laughing

GM: The necromancers ashes are not a spice!

P2: So, what, are we just supposed to stand here and look pretty? Cause I can do that but I would like some instructions…
P3: *Points at p4* You! DO some sleuthing!

[Yukitsu]

"So you aren't telling us we can't kill him then."


"You're looking into a nuclear crater infected with bug spirits while we're miles away. And we're the stupid ones."


"Your armour would probably be cleaner if you didn't terrorize your opponents into pissing themselves before you killed them."


"Hey, I see you're being shot at by gangsters. Wanna hire us to wipe the gangers while we're doing our other job or are you all right?"

[Dasgovernator]

PC1: "The Light is Invisible?"

PC2: "We're just doing it the cautious way"
PC1: *Already walking out in front of the group "Well YOU guys are doing it the cautious way"

DM: "He's not lying to you now, but you get the feeling he would enjoy doing so if it benefited him"

DM: "We're down one token. Are any of you standing on top of one of your party members?"
*Everyone laughs
PC2: " . . . Oh wait I am!"

NPC: "Get off my property or I'll get the hose. And by hose I mean crossbow bolts and morningstars"

PC2: "200 GP magically appeared in my pocket. That's a good omen"

PC1: "The bag is filled with poo and glass?"

PC4: "You literally hit a fly. Twice. On a 12"

PC1: "Oh that's how you kill people. I remember now"

PC1: "Someday, we're going to have a trophy room full of everybody's left shoe"

PC1: "Take that you dammed Pig-hater!"

PC1: "Who'd have thought being able to see the future was so useful?"

PC1: "So you're a were-boar-wolf-rat?"
PC3: "Man-Boar-Rat"

[AmewTheFox]

Entire table sans p1 breaks out into synchronized dance routine
P1: guys…


That. is. Glorious.

I woulda loved to see that happen.

[janusmaxwell]

Rikki: Dude. You do know that Lynn is Landregosa, right? I mean, she may be very attractive and have certain... features, but under that soft, time piece shaped tiny human, there is a blue scaled, 7'5" serioisly disillusioned and annoyed half dragon badass who will kill you if you hit on him.
Avalin: But... He's the first girl I've seen who wasn't married, five or my grandmother!
Rikki: ... Dude. We need to get you laid.
"Lynn": Not it!

What's a Landregosa? Also:

(NWOD)
Me: "So we're looking for a hipster douchebag...kinda redundant isn't it?"
Trevor: "Not really. Douchebag is more of a broad category."
Me: *broad smile and loud laughing*
DM & everyone else: "Oh god...what?"
Me: "He's got 2 dots in Douchebag with a specialty in Hipster!"

[Afool]

What's a Landregosa?

The previously mentioned Lynn's name while being a male halfdragon badass. It didn't quite click the first time around either.

[janusmaxwell]

The previously mentioned Lynn's name while being a male halfdragon badass. It didn't quite click the first time around either.

Ahh...got a link to a stat block/SRD/wiki on that brand of half-dragon? Please?

[Cazero]

Ahh...got a link to a stat block/SRD/wiki on that brand of half-dragon? Please?
Landregosa is the character name, not a template.
Wich is weird. Considering the name is probably inspired from Warcraft blue dragons convention naming, it should be Landregos for a male and Landregosa for a female.
edit : forget that part. Apparently, Landregosa was not his male name.

[Afool]

Ahh...got a link to a stat block/SRD/wiki on that brand of half-dragon? Please?

No I do not. But behold! The half dragon template as of the SRD! (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/halfDragon.htm)

[janusmaxwell]

No I do not. But behold! The half dragon template as of the SRD! (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/halfDragon.htm)

That's what I was looking for! Thanks!

Tannin: "Killing Olympians? Without using Kratos? Well Zeus would be easy, we just-"
DM: "you need glass from a lightning strike, rams blood, and the thigh bone of a true believer."
Tannin: "what I mean is getting him to show up after we find out how to kill him. We just have Chi (only female OOC and IC) go into the woods and say 'I'm so wasted! I'm so wasted!' And when that shape-shifting rapist shows up, we gank him!"

DM: "How many gallons of ANFO did you use in that bomb?"
Blake: "32."
Tannin: "and that STILL didn't kill it?!"

Clive: (new catchphrase) "Next time START with that!"

Trevor: "Good thing I brought these tractor batteries!"
Clarence: "Redneck fishing then? We'll need copper wiring and..."
Trevor: *picks up and throws tractor battery into the water*
Clarence: "or you could just do that."

[kopout]

"If at first you don't suck seed, try try a grain."

[DigoDragon]

Kard: "That shirt is made of win."
GM: "And porcelain bacon."

GM: "Dorn, how many of the prisoners do you ship to the homeland for trial?"
Dorn: "All of them, let the courts sort it out."
GM: "Five out of the seven are dead."
Dorn: "Good, that's less mouths to feed. Someone get me a box!"

Kard: "Technically I AM an unconfirmed sighting."

Dorn: "Okay, so two items on the Bane clerics' list are the blood at the Durthamper River and the blue scale armor in Myth Drannor."
Lia: "And the other two items?"
Dorn: "Forest of the Wyrm, the egg shells and dragon poop."
Taylor: "But aren't the latter two common items?
Dorn: "Aye, they probably are."
Taylor: "Well it makes no sense going to the Forest of the Wyrm since the Bane clerics can find the stuff everywhere."
Dorn: "Right. We'd have to kill all the dragons to prevent Bane from getting those items."
Taylor: "Which is what we're trying to prevent to begin with."
Dorn: "Aye. Make no sense to kill all dragons to prevent them from getting killed."
Taylor: "We're doing it wrong."

Regent: "If this group is the best that my money can buy, I'm a moron."
Kard: "You called yourself a moron!"
Regent: "Tell me something I don't know."
Kard: "I once mouth-kissed a horse."
Regent: "... ..."

Taylor: "Is there a specific time we should meet with the old lady?"
Kard: "Usually when she yells at us."

GM: "You hear a voice that picks Kard out."
Taylor: "So like 'hey idiot' or something?"

GM: "Kard, Max, you both recognize some of these people... formerally of your world when they were alive."
Dorn: "Hey Max, next time you fall through a portal to someone else's world, would you kindly close the door behind you?"

Kard: "Oh, I remember who the lead wight was- he fought a powerful general and lost."
Dorn: "He got himself killed fighting someone stronger then himself?"
Kard: "More like just ran himself on the general's sword, but yeah."
Dorn: "So in this case, Might makes Wight?"

Dorn: "I should take Lia to Catherine's."
Mandy: "I don't like Catherine's, they sell grandma bras."
Lia: "The thick band in the back is called support, Mandy."
Dorn: "Yeah, it prevents avalanches."
Mandy: "But they like... grandma bras. I'll just let Taylor hold them."
Taylor: "I can't come into work today, my hands are full."
GM:"Full doing what?"
Dorn: "Holding up an avalanche."

Jenova: "Green Dragons aren't evil. They just want to hog attention, eat any annoyance that bothers them, and looks out for themselves."
Lia: "Are we talking about dragons or cats?"

[LooseCannoneer]

There will be no stabbing of any Jesuses or Jesus analogs in my campaign!

[the OOD]

Leochou: [speaking over intercom] I need someone good at crafting and someone totally bug****ing insane. Tesla and Petra, report to the mess
*10 min later*
Leochou: well, that project could have used a little more oversight

[OOC]
Leochou: I still haven't decided if Leo is gay of not
GM: flip for it?
Leochou: odd is straight, even is gay
*rolls die*
Leochou: 3/8ths?
Tesla: that's a fraction die...
Leochou: he's bi!

GM: you know the Goliaths (http://media1.gameinformer.com/filestorage/CommunityServer.Components.SiteFiles/imagefeed/featured/2kgames/evolve/goliath/large/evolve_-_goliath.jpg) from Evolve? It's that, but forty feet tall and in melee range of Leochou.
Petra: that's bigger than our damn ship!
Leochou: *draws pistol*
Tesla: I like how your reaction is "I got this".

Leochou: two questions: will someone take my picture next to the corpse, and can we cook it?

Petra: so, catch us a baby goliath?
Leochou: do it. who's packing stun weapons?
Aron: not I, said the little piggy.

GM: out of the various holes you could be checking, it's not actually that bad.

GM:how much are you cooking and how are you gonna cook it?
Leochou: one cubic meter
Petra: all the ways.
GM: You've got Goliath steaks, Goliath stir fry, Goliath Burgers, Goliath dogs, pulled Goliath, steamed Goliath, Boiled Goliath,
roasted Goliath, Sloppy Goliath, and stewed Goliath

Petra: also Goliath puree
Leochou: eww?
Petra: hey, you made it first!
GM: actually, it was charred

Leochou: hunt? I did all the work!
GM: I don't think he was expecting you.
Leochou: nobody ever is. I love my job.

Leochou: what are you gonna do with the body
drake: I know this taxidermist...
Party: :biggrin:
Leochou: so... how the hell are we going to haul this to the spaceport?:smallconfused:
Party: :frown:

Tesla: a vegiterible just attached itself to our hull.
Leochou: *draws laspistol* let's kill it with fire!
Tesla: think big. Petra, can you use psychokinesis to drag it into the engine trail?
Leochou: :smalleek:

Leochou: Petra, put your space pants on, were heading out

Leochou: combat time! wait no, I take off my shirt and pants!

Leochou: FISTICUFFS!?? you are unworthy of my MANLY FISTICUFFS!!!
*bitch slaps boss*
*bitch slaps boss*
*bitch slaps boss*
*bitch slaps boss*
*bitch slaps boss*
K.O. !!!

*armor degrades to 0 integrity*
Leochou: at long last, I am freed from the suffocating confines of my shirt!

Tesla: how many suits of clothing/armor have you gone through this campaign?
Leochou: don't ask.
Tesla: w-
Leochou: no really, don't.

[Sith_Happens]

"Today we are LARPing."
"In that case, someone get me a Zamboni."

PC 1: "Time to appraise these pies." [*rolls a 4*]
DM: "Based on your examination, the pies are made of woman parts."
PC 1: "LET'S PIMP OUT THE PIES!"
[Many bad NPC Appraise rolls and one exasperated GM later...]
DM: "Seventeen patrons in total each buy a pie from you, rent a room from the innkeeper, and walk off with their pies. Before long you hear a chorus of synchronized thumping."
PC 2: "...Congratulations, you made American pies."
[*entire table bursts into laughter*]

"The worg spends the day wandering through alleyways--"
"--And chatting up bitches."
"Basically yes."

PC 1: "I try to kick down the door." [*rolls poorly*]
DM: "It doesn't seem to budget at all."
PC 1: [*to PC 2*] "Together?"
PC 2: "I can just pick the lock."
PC 1: "...Fine."

"My character resents those with opposable thumbs."

"I suggest we be quiet."
"I AM OZZIM THE MAGNIFICIENT, I DO NOT REMAIN SILENT."
"Damn you."

NPC: "What are you doing in my secret tunnel?"
PC 1: "Who are you?"
NPC: "Hey, I'm the one asking the questions here."
PC 2: "And why are only you allowed to ask questions!?"

DM: "As you walk through the sewer you very nearly trip and fall into the waste, but manage to catch yourself. I guess you could say you got off scat-free."

[Mutazoia]

Paladin:...how...? :smallconfused:
Bard:The early bard catches the Wyrm :smallcool:

[SickBritKid]

"Today we are LARPing."
"In that case, someone get me a Zamboni."

PC 1: "Time to appraise these pies." [*rolls a 4*]
DM: "Based on your examination, the pies are made of woman parts."
PC 1: "LET'S PIMP OUT THE PIES!"
[Many bad NPC Appraise rolls and one exasperated GM later...]
DM: "Seventeen patrons in total each buy a pie from you, rent a room from the innkeeper, and walk off with their pies. Before long you hear a chorus of synchronized thumping."
PC 2: "...Congratulations, you made American pies."
[*entire table bursts into laughter*]

"The worg spends the day wandering through alleyways--"
"--And chatting up bitches."
"Basically yes."

PC 1: "I try to kick down the door." [*rolls poorly*]
DM: "It doesn't seem to budget at all."
PC 1: [*to PC 2*] "Together?"
PC 2: "I can just pick the lock."
PC 1: "...Fine."

"My character resents those with opposable thumbs."

"I suggest we be quiet."
"I AM OZZIM THE MAGNIFICIENT, I DO NOT REMAIN SILENT."
"Damn you."

NPC: "What are you doing in my secret tunnel?"
PC 1: "Who are you?"
NPC: "Hey, I'm the one asking the questions here."
PC 2: "And why are only you allowed to ask questions!?"

DM: "As you walk through the sewer you very nearly trip and fall into the waste, but manage to catch yourself. I guess you could say you got off scat-free."

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A quote to add-on:

DM: One of the patrons returns with his pie, the cherries having been blasted out of the crust.
PC3: So they're cream pies, now?
Me: Logan goes to the nearest pub and spends five coppers on a full night of ale and drinks himself into a coma in shame.

Just so you guys understand: My character(Logan), made the pies that were then pimped out. He made 176 gold pieces(or something like that) in profit that night.

[Senshi Akai]

Yesterday sesssion:


Wizard: I polymorph him into a... Will O' Wisp!
Barbarian: I am a Wisp! Weee!

DM: The banshee's scream, so roll Fort.
Wizard: 17.
Rogue: 20!
Barbarian: I am a Wisp! :smallbiggrin:

DM: The drows are searching for you, roll hide and stealth.
Rogue: 18.
Barbarian: I am a Wisp! :smallbiggrin:
Party: …

DM: Ok, now there is a canyon in front of you, what you do?
Barbarian: I am a Wisp! :smallbiggrin:
Wizard (actually mad): OMG, I dispel the polymorph! Now shut up!
*awkward silence*
Rogue: Okay... How can we get across the canyon?
Barbarian: … If only I was a Wisp...

[Necroticplague]

Villian:*casts Zone of Truth*
Villian:Now, will you tell us where your friend are?
Gene:Nope.
Villian:Where are they?
Gene:Probably in their bedrolls, it's pretty late.
Villian:What is their destination?
Gene:The place that they're currently trying to go to.
Villian: What is there ultimate destination?
Gene:I'm not sure. Pretty sure the paladin is bound for Celestia, my lover for the Far Realms, and the gnome'll probably end up in Hell. Not sure how far he'll make it up the ladder, though. Heck, maybe in a few million years, he might come back as a demon lord!
Villian:*sigh*What is there penultimate destination?
Gene: Well, I'm pretty sure the soul's journey is gonna require crossing a transitive plane, so probably either the Shadow, Astral, or Ethereal.
Villian: Do we have somebody who isn't a smarta** we can question?
Gene: Well, I don't know about your intelligence, but based in this conversation, I'd have to say yes.
Villian:*Sighs dejectedly.*

[goto124]

I recommand Leochou takes a Vow of Nudity.

[Erik Vale]

Villian:*casts Zone of Truth*
Villian:Now, will you tell us where your friend are?
Gene:Nope.
Villian:Where are they?
Gene:Probably in their bedrolls, it's pretty late.
Villian:What is their destination?
Gene:The place that they're currently trying to go to.
Villian: What is there ultimate destination?
Gene:I'm not sure. Pretty sure the paladin is bound for Celestia, my lover for the Far Realms, and the gnome'll probably end up in Hell. Not sure how far he'll make it up the ladder, though. Heck, maybe in a few million years, he might come back as a demon lord!
Villian:*sigh*What is there penultimate destination?
Gene: Well, I'm pretty sure the soul's journey is gonna require crossing a transitive plane, so probably either the Shadow, Astral, or Ethereal.
Villian: Do we have somebody who isn't a smarta** we can question?
Gene: Well, I don't know about your intelligence, but based in this conversation, I'd have to say yes.
Villian:*Sighs dejectedly.*
*Slow Clap*

[the OOD]

I recommand Leochou takes a Vow of Nudity.

...that's a thing?:smallconfused:

system/sourcebook please?




Villian:*casts Zone of Truth*
Villian:Now, will you tell us where your friend are?
Gene:Nope.
Villian:Where are they?
Gene:Probably in their bedrolls, it's pretty late.
Villian:What is their destination?
Gene:The place that they're currently trying to go to.
Villian: What is there ultimate destination?
Gene:I'm not sure. Pretty sure the paladin is bound for Celestia, my lover for the Far Realms, and the gnome'll probably end up in Hell. Not sure how far he'll make it up the ladder, though. Heck, maybe in a few million years, he might come back as a demon lord!
Villian:*sigh*What is there penultimate destination?
Gene: Well, I'm pretty sure the soul's journey is gonna require crossing a transitive plane, so probably either the Shadow, Astral, or Ethereal.
Villian: Do we have somebody who isn't a smarta** we can question?
Gene: Well, I don't know about your intelligence, but based in this conversation, I'd have to say yes.
Villian:*Sighs dejectedly.*
*nods appreciatively*
waitaminute:

my lover for the Far Realms
:smalleek:

[goto124]

Vow of Nudity is a homebrew that can be found on these forums.

http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?363915-Talya-s-Vow-of-Nudity-Mark-II

I forgot to warn you that I have near zero knowledge of tabletop mechanics. Probably because I've never been in such a game before. So... I can't provide any more details.

[YossarianLives]

Guard: So... Who are you?

Gnomehidinginacrate: I'M THE BOX.

Guard: So what are you?

Gnomehidinginacrate: THE BOX!

[ZeroGear]

DM: The lights turn on an you see a roll of skills. Above them is a sign that says ‘The Bastard’s Head Hall’.
Mellor: Why did we ever decide that The Raven was not worth it?

Mellor: We’re here to offer you the position of the best hacker in all of Buffalo-Toronto
JackRabbit: And a new head for your wall.

Raven: I have good news and weird news: someone actually recognizes this program.
Mellor: That’s distressing.
Raven: Stranger still, this guy is supposed to be dead.
JackRabbit: That’s bad.
Raven: Well, you’d generally assume that he’d be head since he was captured by AzTech.
Everyone: Oh $#!7.

DM: Who’s going to be the bearer of good news?
Natasha and Mellor at JackRabbit
JackRabbit: Oh god. At least let me buy a bigger gun first!

DM: You have awakened in fresh Anime Hell sir.

Minion: I’ve been told by the boss that you’re the chuckle-****s that want Blood of Kali?
JackRbbit: …Yes?

JackRabbit: The Serpent Fangs would like to purchase some arms.
Niko: …What would these be used for?
JackRabbit: Taking down AzTech.
Niko: Haa…Wait what?

Mellor: Hellhound, it would be a great Idea for you guys not to do anything for a few days
Hellhound: When you say that I am filled with both dead and fear.

Natasha: Hurray for friendship.

Natasha: Flying Bear Cavalry!

DM: You’re fine as long as you don’t screw up. Because if you miss, instead of levitating, you’ll turn the bear spirit into a rocket.
Mellor: Orbital Brear!

Mellor: Go captain flying bear! You’re our hero!
Bear spirit: Grrrr.

DM: Top of the round. Does it continue fighting Bear-Force-1?
*rolls dice*
DM: It continues to fight Bear-Force-1

[Dasgovernator]

Kamien: "What are you talking about? Being an Evil Corporation is where it's at!"
Nerusk: "I have a 26 INT and max ranks in Knowledge:Engineering. We can invent things and make millions!"
Val: "Does that make you Wozniak to my 28 CHA Steve Jobs?"

Val: "Did we just become magical mail-bombers?"

DM: "I'm trying to find a reason why you couldn't become magical terrorists."

Nerusk: "What language is Spanish again?"

DM: "So they come upon the evil mass-murderers, . . . building a tree house"
Kamien: "I wave to them"

Val: "I suppose not murdering someone isn't technically a good act, its just something that expected of normal people?"
Victor: "Wow I didn't murder anyone today. Where's my reward?"

Val: "He's the Talingarde Crocodile Hunter?"

Val: "So are these guys Anti-Villains?"

Victor: "Do you just have body issues? Is that why you stay in disguise all the time?"

Victor: "I used absolutely nothing today. I walked in, cut someone's legs off, and then walked out"

[DigoDragon]

Villian:*casts Zone of Truth*

And that's why my villains no longer interrogate captured PCs. :smallbiggrin:


Gnomehidinginacrate: THE BOX!

Seems legit.


GM: "I can understand that there is a lot of stress in everyone's workplace. I've seen it go from zero to nothing to-"
Dorn: "Wait, from zero to nothing?"
Max: "That won't take long."

GM: "You hear a conversation below, followed by breaking glass."
Dorn: "Breaking glass can only mean two things- A fight or the abouts leading to a fight!"
Lia: "It could be a Jewish wedding."
Dorn: "For who, the creepy old druid lady that keeps following us?"
Max: "Funny, she doesn't look Druish."

Taylor: "That's Thay for ya. Always protecting their ass...sets."

Kard: "Congratulations, you just got eaten by a toilet."

GM: "There's been a ShieldMeet declared and-"
Dorn: "Mmm... shield meat."
Max: "What's a ShieldMeet?"
Dorn: "It's like a barbecue, right?"

Red Wizard: "Is this your partner?" (Points at BB)
Kard: "Nah, he's my son."
Red Wizard: "But he's a gnome."
Kard: "I get around."
Red Wizard: "But you're human!"
Kard: "You ever seen a half-dragon shambling mound? There's a lot of strange things out there!"

BB: "I'm your son? That was your best cover story?"
Kard: "Shut up. It's a collective of poorly crafted and ill chosen lies."

Taylor: "How will we get up the fort walls without being seen?"
BB: "Well... not all the guard towers are occupied at once. We can sneak by one of the empty ones."
Taylor: "And how will we know which one is empty?"
Dorn: "Fire a cluster of arrows into it and listen for a scream?"

Dorn: "Now, who is sexy and smart enough to undertake this task?"
Lia, Dorn, & Taylor: *Looks at Mandy's direction*
Kard: "I'll do it!"

Dorn: "It sounds like a You Don't Know Jack 'Dis-or-Dat' question: Press 1 if it's a My Little Pony, press 2 if it's a porn star."

Max: "I can lift her as long as Lia doesn't weight 400 pounds."
Lia: "Yeah, like I weight 400 pounds."
Dorn: "It's the elf-ego, right?"

GM: "The wizard hits you with a pillow."
Kard: "I take 10 comfort damage."

Dorn: "Max, my head saved your crotch from a Ray of Frost!"

GM: "The slaves wish to help you."
Taylor: "Wait, they want to come with me?"
Dorn: "You have options like in Gradius."
Taylor: "I dunno..."
Dorn: "Come on! Pick your slave friends up, grab a stick of Juicy Fruit! The Thay are gonna shoot ya!" o/~

[goto124]

I read ShieldMeet as MeatShield.

[DigoDragon]

I read ShieldMeet as MeatShield.

Either way, it still sounds delicious to the dwarf. :3

[Dasgovernator]

Leo: "It has acquired the 'Breakfast' Template"

Leo: "Are we sure the horse is a he?"
Peeks: "You can literally see his *****. What kind of Druid are you man?"

Leo: "I disarm him?"
Razir: "Really? Are you going to rip his arms off?

Ulck: "The ones who are dead to you metaphorically, or the ones who are dead to you literally?"

Razir: "Let's turn our minds to more pleasant topics"
Ulck: "Than Cannibalism?"

[the OOD]

one-shot

Winston Churchill: I have max ranks in knowledge(your mom)!
Nelson Mandela: umm...

Tony Stark: the ewoks are coming!
Nelson Mandela: *starts up vindicator minigun*
Nelson Mandela: yip-yip, mutha*****

guard: tell me something I don't know
Nelson Mandela: E=MC2, mutha*****
the Flash: *rams guard at top speed*

[commander panda]

the DM named me: "ok.... now....... you can do something."

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Taylor, roll Knowledge Arcane."
Taylor: "26, what do I figure out?"
GM: "The Weave stopped, but just for a moment before restarting."
Dorn: (Engine sounds) "Vrvrvrvr... Give it some gas! ...vrvrvrvrVVROOM!"

Taylor: "Did Dorn wake up?"
Dorn: "Zzz... This booze sucks... Zzzz..."
Taylor: "That doesn't tell me anything."

Dorn: "I hope there's a bridge there because I don't swim."
Mandy: "What's your swim skill?"
Dorn: "Negative five."
GM: "Swims like an anchor?"

Lia: "Is your crotch worth 100 gp?"

Lia: "Don't knock it until you've tried it."
GM: "The elf paladin is giving sexual advice?"

Old Lady: "I'll send this lizard to Kard."
Taylor: "Why a lizard?"
Old Lady: "Just wait, it grows."
Kard: "Hey, what's this Terrasque doing here?"
Max: "It's holding a cardboard sign up- says 'Kard'."
Kard: "This is like arriving at the airport in hell."

GM: "Dorn, your turn."
Dorn: "I attack the drow. 15?"
GM: "Miss."
Kard: "See Dorn, you're a lover, not a fighter."
Dorn: "Lover? I'm not even that."
Taylor: "But that chick who turns into a weapon has the hots for you."
Dorn: "Well it ain't mutual. I can drop the weapon as a free action. Huh, so would dumping a girlfriend be a free action?"
Lia: "Yes, but that incurs an Attack of Opportunity."

Kard: "I lie down with my head in the fire. This'll keep it going."
Max: "Kindle kindle kindle?"
GM: "Well your hat burns to a crisp and you take 2 points of fire damage."
Kard: "Then I take my head out of the damn fire."

Voice: "We came to see what the commotion was."
Dorn: "Identify yourselves."
Voice: "Followers of Elisraee."
Dorn: "Prove it."
GM: "A female drow with a 24 Charisma walks out into view. She's wearing nothing but a headband."
Kard: "Are naked people friendly? Please say they are."
Max: "Down boy, my brain needs blood."
Taylor: "Why? You never use it anyway."

Dorn: "You know me and water. I don't swim. I do this great impression of a boat anchor."
Taylor: "I'd say you sink like a stone, but you're not that boyant."
Drow: "If the dwarf drowns I can give him mouth-to-mouth."
Max: "I want to drown now."

[goto124]

So Naked Headband Drow is following the party now? Or did she drown?

[Sith_Happens]

Since no one's taken Digo up on his offer to guess which of this newest set of PCs is him, I'm going to say... Dorn. Definitely Dorn.


Me (in dimensionally locked dungeon, after being dominated by BBEG): *Time stop**rolls 4**Wall of Force behind party**Cloudkill at party**Forcecage around party**Wall of force in front of party**Prismatic wall in front of party*

Party:*Dies*

DM: Huh.

Party: Huh.

Me: Sooo, evil undead overrun the world?

DM: Yeah.

Protip: If you can cast Time Stop and Prismatic Wall you can cast Mind Blank. Frankly, it serves all of you equal amounts of right for somehow not remembering that.:smalltongue:


confession time, who got caught by the tvtropes links?

Psh, amateur. I read all of those pages years ago.:smalltongue:


GM: do you have any Queen songs besides Another One Bites the Dust?
Leochou: wait, there are other Queen songs?:smallconfused:

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/facebook/000/126/314/3cd8a33a.png


Kellie's Player: But <PlayerName> Hill Dwarves.
Vertman's Player: Hank Hill Dwarves
Matilda's Player: They sell stones and stone accessories.

I just caught up reading the last 3-4 weeks of this thread and somehow this is the only part that actually made me laugh out loud. I'm not sure what that says about me.:smalleek:


Villian:*casts Zone of Truth*
Villian:Now, will you tell us where your friend are?
Gene:Nope.
Villian:Where are they?
Gene:Probably in their bedrolls, it's pretty late.
Villian:What is their destination?
Gene:The place that they're currently trying to go to.
Villian: What is there ultimate destination?
Gene:I'm not sure. Pretty sure the paladin is bound for Celestia, my lover for the Far Realms, and the gnome'll probably end up in Hell. Not sure how far he'll make it up the ladder, though. Heck, maybe in a few million years, he might come back as a demon lord!
Villian:*sigh*What is there penultimate destination?
Gene: Well, I'm pretty sure the soul's journey is gonna require crossing a transitive plane, so probably either the Shadow, Astral, or Ethereal.
Villian: Do we have somebody who isn't a smarta** we can question?
Gene: Well, I don't know about your intelligence, but based in this conversation, I'd have to say yes.
Villian:*Sighs dejectedly.*

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_livhi6uXLd1qi7deco1_500.gif


guard: tell me something I don't know
Nelson Mandela: E=(1/2)MV2, mutha*****
the Flash: *rams guard at top speed*

FTFY.

http://i2.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/010/566/060.png

:smalltongue:


So Naked Headband Drow is following the party now? Or did she drown?

I read nothing to indicate that she drowned, but if any of the PCs play their cards right she might choke.:smallamused:

[Svata]

Protip: If you can cast Time Stop and Prismatic Wall you can cast Mind Blank. Frankly, it serves all of you equal amounts of right for somehow not remembering that.:smalltongue:


Was undead. Figured with the innate immunity I didn't need it. Being there just penetrated the innate immunity. And bypssed me standing next to someone with a Magic Circle Against Evil up. So it probably wouldn't have helped anyway.

[DigoDragon]

So Naked Headband Drow is following the party now? Or did she drown?

I honestly don't remember what became of her. This campaign was back in... 08? Somewhere around then.

That being said, wow Sith. That... that response was... I have no words. :smallredface:



Since no one's taken Digo up on his offer to guess which of this newest set of PCs is him, I'm going to say... Dorn. Definitely Dorn.

Correct!

[IZ42]

I got it right, but I didn't want to voice my opinion in Lieu of looking silly. Sadly, I have no humorous quotes to contribute right now, but there might be some a few days from now.

[Tragak]

Game 1
Cast: DM /// CG Catfolk Rogue (me), TN Elf Druid, NG Orc Barbarian, LN Human Ranger

[My rogue had to surrender his kukri before being allowed into a town, but hid his dagger in a hand puppet Slaad and ad-libbed a ventriloguy monologue to make the guards forget to check inside the puppet.]

Barbarian: This is garshak! How are we supposed to defend ourselves?

Druid: (smug) Oh, really? Your dependence on technology leaves you weak without it? Why hasn't anybody warned you about that?

Ranger: What are you complaining about, the guards are easily strong enough to handle any criminals.

Rogue/Me: Really? How are they supposed to protect us from murderers when they can't even outsmart a simple frog? [pulls the puppet off to reveal the dagger. Says in mouthless-puppet voice:] "Ny lungs are killing nee, thanks thor asking."

Game 2
Cast: DM (me) /// LN Kobold Wizard, CN Human Cleric, NG Catfolk Barbarian

[The party was hunting a vamprie clan led by a LE human sorceress/cleric/theurge. They tracked the clan to it's hideout, but were discovered by guards and then cornered by the mage.]

Theurge: Did you honestly think you would fare any better this time?

Wizard: No, which means that you have no choice but to let us go, as clearly we would not be stupid enough to think that we could sneak in here without being caught, therefor getting caught must have been our plan in the first place and it would be in your best interest not to allow us to complete whatever our plan must be.

Theurge: [jaw drops] I'm sorry, did you just come up with that on the spot, or did you plan specifically around my being stupid enough to fall for it?

Barbarian: Well, you did say that your power arcane is that of sorcery rather than of wizardry.

Game 3
Cast (all half-dragon PCs): DM (me) /// LG (Gold) Lizardfolk "Paladin" (some homebrew fixes), CG (Bronze) Human Wizard, CE (Black) Human Scout/Ranger

[Wizard and Swift Hunter are invisible, Paladin is trying to negotiate a villain's surrender]

White Dragon: Bored now. [Unleashes his ice attack, but the paladin survives]

Paladin: I couldn't even see my breath, how was that supposed to hurt me?

Dragon: [flies at her and pushes her to the ground]

Paladin: No, wait, never mind, you're close enough that I can see my breath now.

Dragon: Are you serious?

Paladin [unleashes her fire attack]

[DoctorProfessor]

Welp, time to begin making my contributions to this forum! Probably my first complete and utter derailment of a campaign I was running.

~~Que the Heresy~~

Player 1: What does my five year old intelligence get me?

Player 2: -tugs on player 3's sleeve, using the voice of a little girl.- Mommy! Mommy! Where can I find the black market?"

Player 1 rolls five degrees of success to see what his '5-year-old intelligence' gets him.

Player 3: -turns to look down at player 2, and responds in a motherly way- Well you see dear...

Player 1: :smallannoyed: -awaiting my answer-

GM: -Is currently demonstrating his best Picard impression via facepalm.-

/plot derailment for about 5-10 minutes' worth of laughter.

[Lakaz]

Our first shadowrun mission went horribly wrong. I think you can basically figure out precisely how from these two quotes alone.

"So you know those painkillers i gave you?"
"Yeah"
"The ones that say "Do not operate heavy machinery after taking"?"
"Yeah"
"Did you give them to the team Rigger?"
*Shameful look* "Yeah."
"...This wouldn't happen to be connected to the fact that our boat is currently sinking, would it?"
*Pause* "Yeah.

PC:1:"I cast charm animal on the whale and ride it from the sinking boat to safety"
PC:2:"Oh no you don't! You're not leaving without me! I shoot the whale!" *Rolls*
GM: "You hit the whale. The whale turns for your lifeboat"
PC:2 "You mean he's coming back? Woo!"
GM: "Well, lemme put it this way..." *The gm starts humming the theme to Jaws*
PC:2 "Aw crap"

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Does Dorn have a horse?"
Dorn: "Aye, it wouldn't be fair if I didn't have one when everyone else does. I wanted equine rights."

GM: "You see a sign. It reads-- Welcome to Thievesville. Population- Your Money."
Dorn: "Hold on, idea!" (Scratches off some letters from the sign)
Sign: "We come to Pop You one"
Lia: "That isn't any better."
Dorn: "Damn. I thought I was going somewhere with this."

Thief: "Well there was this nutty female elf that passed through here a couple days ago looking for the Drow."
Mandy: "Did she carry an axe and a sausage?"
Thief: "Yeah, how did ya know?"
Dorn: "We know how to pick a wiener."

Dorn: "Oi! That Sunrod is so you can see in the dungeon, not so you can throw dungeon rave parties!"

GM: "Kard, are you going to abandon Plan A?"
Kard: "I'm still trying to convince the other players of the merits of my plan."
Dorn: "Save it for a Plan C?"
Kard: "No, Plan C is I fly away and leave you all to die."

Kard: "I disguise myself as a male Drow. If I know anything about their society, this is a good choice... wait."

DM: "You see a rabbit with a duck bill."
Taylor: "Ooookay. And this is?"
GM: "It sucks out a 1st level spell from your mind."
Taylor: "Ahhh! Brain eater!!"
Dorn: "SHAZAM!!" (Vaporizes the creature with a Searing Light spell) "Damn rabbits."

GM: "In another cell, you see a rabbit sitting on a stump."
Party: "???"
GM: "Dorn, you notice the rabbit has antennae."
Dorn: "I'm outta here."
Lia: "You know what it is?"
Dorn: "No, but after the toxic gas balloons, the brain-sucking rabbit, the mimic cave, and the world's largest hamster, this ain't going to be anything pleasant."

Taylor: "I cast Detect Magic."
GM: "The box is anti-magical."
Taylor: "It's a magic sink."
Dorn: "I wash my hands then."

Dorn: "I'll go with Kard into the cavern."
GM: "Reflex."
Dorn: "Yeah, my lowest save... 22! HA! I luck out!"
GM: "You manage to jump back before the AntiGood wards go off and fry you."
Dorn: "I'm backing up."
Kard: "What's wrong? You can fit into the cavern."
Dorn: "I can, but my alignment can't."
Mandy: "Why can Kard enter the cavern?"
Kard: "Cause I'm a demon, remember? See what you all get being the goody two-shoes?"

Dorn: "I'll back you up."
Kard: "Oh yeah, just like last time, Mr. Can't Bypass an AntiGood ward."
Dorn: "Well excuuuse me, princess! Want I go kick a puppy so my alignment fits in with your dogma?"
Kard: "It would be a start."

Dorn: "Last thing I need today is a rabbit to sit there, smile, and fireball my ass."

Kard: "It's a Head Elemental."

Naked Drow: "Holy-- you all came back alive?!"
Dorn: "Yeah, we couldn't have done it without Kard's skill, Lia's steel, some fast thinking on Taylor's part, and I'd like to thank the Academy for this Oscar and to the green dragon for pushing the box... oh and hi mom!"

Kard: "I opened a 30,000 watt box and then got my butt kicked by a flying elephant."
BB: "Sounds like you've been drinking."
Kard: "I wish."

[Erik Vale]

DM: Roll me a perception.
*Begins to roll*
DM: Not you, him.
P3: Who's a her.
DM: Gender is a fluid thing.

*Talking about yeast*
P1: *Says something to DM over skype. Hidden due to headphones*
DM: I'm not repeating that.
Me: Is she wanting to grow yeast out of herself?
Dm Noo... No that was worse.

DM [Halfling Guard]: You musta hated your mother.
P4: I did. She taught me in the survival.
DM: In the womb?
P4: You'd be in surprised.
DM: I would be.

DM: Camp outside the forest? There are dinosaurs out there.
Me: I know. But the priest pays.
DM: I think the priest is a nutter.
Me: You remember the story about his mother?
DM: ... Get out of here.

[GrayGriffin]

Ryouta: Dude, he just went super sayain.
Coriander: "What?"
Kenta: "No, this isn't even his final form."
Dan: (( Excuse me, I'm going to go die of laughter. ))

Coriander: "Hello!"
* Coriander puts on her best "customer service" smile. (aka her fakest one)

[IZ42]

Clarisa: "I did not have sexual relations with that halfling."

Mokan: "I poke Nae."
Nae: "I bullrush Mokan with my wind."

Clarisa: "Psychic Punch through two layers of glass, middle finger up. I mouth f*ck you."

Clarisa: "But don't get hurt."
Halfling NPC: "What if I'm into that?"
Clarisa: "You're a man after my own heart." *high fives*

This session got really weird. REALLY weird.

[Sith_Happens]

Clarisa: "I did not have sexual relations with that halfling."

Mokan: "I poke Nae."
Nae: "I bullrush Mokan with my wind."

Clarisa: "Psychic Punch through two layers of glass, middle finger up. I mouth f*ck you."

Clarisa: "But don't get hurt."
Halfling NPC: "What if I'm into that?"
Clarisa: "You're a man after my own heart." *high fives*

This session got really weird. REALLY weird.

I like how the last of these quotes almost directly contradicts the first.:smallamused:

[treecko]

This is what happens when you bring hentai to a bar fight.

I fondle his junk to restore 5 hit points.

[goto124]

'We had romantic relations, not sexual ones!'

[IZ42]

I like how the last of these quotes almost directly contradicts the first.:smallamused:

So the deal here is that we run a shipping company and our deckhands(other than the two catfolk adepts) are a family of 12 Halflings who have, as I dubbed it 'collective ADHD' and we were in a conversation with them about opening up an office (which involved MANY questions from the group). So the halfling mentioned in the first quote was Kellin, whom Clarisa is attracted to(note: the entire crew are completely androgynous, and Clarisa is a Blue[psionic goblin] and the entire crew's names are variations on -Ellin [Kellin, Bellin, Drellin, Mellin, etc.]) The second quote was Bellin revealing his... interspecies preferences, specifically about Half-Orcs. Yeah. REALLY weird.

[AdmiralCheez]

As you will soon find out, our party sort of has a new catchphrase... with unfortunate consequences.


DM: "You are probably one of the few people that know more about the setting than I do, so you really should have known that this town, and whole country actually, is extremely intolerant of shapeshifters."
Druid Player: "Oh, oops. Uhh... I'm a bear."



DM: "Okay, so what should have been a simple stop in town to resupply ended with you getting chased out within ten minutes, you have two days of rations and a week to the next town, and you accidentally created the local folk-legend of Batman."
Half-Orc Player: "Truly it's a sad day when the half-orc outlander is trying to run diplomacy."
Pirate Player: "Don't look at me. I didn't even steal anything this time."
Druid Player: "I say again, 'I'm a bear.'"
Bard Player: "Yes, that's precisely the problem."



DM: "So I'm looking at the rules, and apparently all you have to do is cut some meat off yourselves, then spend a hit die and a short rest to regain those points. You'd actually heal faster than the damage you take from filleting your own leg."
Pirate Player: "THAT'S IN THE RULEBOOK?!"
DM: "Well, no, but it theoretically would work within the rules."
Bard Player: "Wait, how did we get on this train of thought? I don't remember anyone suggesting we eat ourselves to stay alive."
Druid Player: "I'm a bear?"
DM: "Yeah, that's how. Hey, guess who recovers their hit points when they shift?"

[DigoDragon]

D&D self cannibalism... ick. :smalleek:


Lia: "What's the prerequisites for taking the Weapon Focus feat?"
GM: "Uh... a weapon?"

Dorn: "I'm perfectly fine with my feet on the ground."
Max: "Oh live a little!" (Throws Dorn over the forest horizon)
Dorn: "So Haaaaaaaaate yoooooouuu..." (Lands in the distance as a puff of dust)

BB: "What did I miss?"
Taylor: "Well Kard went inside the hut. It turns out to belong to the old druid lady."
Mandy: "Complete with old druid lady inside."
Taylor: "So Kard is now wedged in Mandy's cleavage for safety."
BB: "I see we're keeping abreast of the situation."

Taylor: "The one thing that Mordenkainen's Magnificent Mansion spell is missing are bikini-clad servants."
GM: "Several Invisible Servants with bikinis walk in."
Taylor & Max: "What's The POINT in that!?"
BB: "Oh I see what you're doing. Your actions are so transparent."

Dorn: "This is why I always say that any powerful druid of sufficiently great age should be burned in the interest of Dwarven National Security."

GM: "As you're traveling through the forest, Xavier's horse suddenly falls through the floor into a hidden basement room below, taking Xavier with him."
Dorn: *Slow Sarcastic Applause*
Kard: "Well I guess we outta find out where the non-solid ground is."
Dorn: "Like that hole right there?"
Max: "Nice that we have a dwarf in the party for the obvious. Well Dorn, you're the underground expert. Go to it!"
Dorn: *Plays the DigDug music as he climbs down the pit*

GM: "As you turn the corner you see a wolverine."
Dorn: "Kersnik?"

BB: "I'm blinded by my own light so I cannot hear a thing!"

Max: "Remember our good friend Shiro? Kard and I saw him recently. He's a balor now."
Lia & Taylor: "What?!"
Dorn: "Finally sold his soul to Hell, eh?"
Kard: "No, not quite."
Dorn: "How do you 'not quite' sell your soul?"
Kard: "It requires a devil, Mr. Professor."
Mandy: "What's a balor?"
Max: "Okay, remember the Onyx staff with the skull that Shiro borrowed? That belonged to Orcus."
Dorn: "So Shiro is now the Dork from Orc?"

Taylor: "Hey Max, your dad was a famous tracker right? Are you any good at it?"
Max: (Rolls a 4) "Apparently not."

Max: "Knock Knock."
Mandy: "Porn."
Max: "That... That's not how it goes, but okay."

[goto124]

P1: Wait, you store everything in that... breast pocket of yours?
P2 (Lady character with large 'assets'): Yup, I've got... lemme see... lots of rope, buncha weapons, a queen-sized bed, and that dude we knocked out a while ago.
P1: How did you fit a 2-meter tall man in there?
P2: My breast pocket is a TARDIS, duh.

Does Mandy have a similar thing?

[IZ42]

*My twelve year old Rinnegan+Tenseian wielding, ultimatrix bearing, dracopyre pony phylactery/path having, master necromancer -lich can not use the groups dimensional travel device to head to gallifrey hours before or after the Doctor stole his TARDIS and grab one of the other TARDIS's that were in that Junkyard just so my Timelord Form can have a TARDIS.
**Especially since ultimate Timelord's can travel through time just fine without one.
***Species with native magical powers disrupt learned magic, so assuming them leaves you unable to use spells or chakra.
****The fact that Acid Wash is a Dracolich now means I have no excuse for complaining about that.

The scary part is, even though mine is the scariest, mine is not the most dangerous.

You missed by a few threads I think. :smalltongue:

[Rater202]

Sorry, I've kinda been out of it for a while.:smallredface:

[DigoDragon]

Does Mandy have a similar thing?

She probably would say yes.

[AdmiralCheez]

D&D self cannibalism... ick. :smalleek:


Don't worry, we didn't actually do that. Luckily, we had two survival experts, and were able to hunt/forage for supplies until the next town. Our DM was just... I don't know how that came up.

[Aolbain]

"You look like a man who likes cheese!"

[Inevitability]

"You're a paladin. You can heal people by looking at them funny."

[Dasgovernator]

DM: "You know its a thing. It does stuff"

Kalibar: "See guys? This is why we don't touch the glowing artifacts"

Kalibar: "Goddamn Fascist Ghosts"

Grey: "Don't think of them as an opponent, think of them as an opportunity"
Nynette: "Of course the Necromancer would say that"

Greensage: "How do we hurt it? Do you have any ideas?"
Grey: "I only know its a thing and it does stuff"

Nynette: "There are clerics nearby, but I think their house is on fire. They might be preoccupied:"

Kordan: "Can I Decapitate it?"
DM: " . . .the Ghost?"

Kalibar: "Its a baby dagger"

Kalibar: "You electrocute the Gargoyle to death"

Greensage: "The wall isn't chaotic? Why not?"

Kalibar: "Does anyone have a shovel? I just need a shovel and I can get us out of here"

DM: "You could actually make a Skeleton out of the Gargoyle. A Skelegoyle, if you will"

Grey: "I wonder if I'm Magical. I'll cast Detect Magic on myself to see if I'm magical"

Kalibar: "Some half-orcs aren't after anything logical. Some half-orcs just want to watch the world burn"
*Everyone starts humming "we didn't start the fire"

Kalibar: "If only I had my shovel . . ."
Talon: "You have 8 STR, what possible use could a shovel be?"

Kordan: "That's what a dagger would say"

Nynette: "Not these things again. Damn Fire elementals, stay away from my hair!"

Nynette: "He can't be that much on fire"

Nynette: "Kill It! Kill it with . . . well not fire, but kill it"

NPC: "I can't imagine that [God] would spare me from this raging inferno only to see me die to a petty mundane trap"
Kalibar: "Great, you're in front"

Kalibar: "If I can get a Shovel, we can get through this!"
Grey: "Onward! For the Shovel!"

Grey: "It might be blasphemous to use your burning monastery as a heater"

[cesius]

"We... we don't know how to get out of the giant golem."

[Erth16]

Creator of the Universe: You brave chosen ones now have the choice to destroy the walls holding reality together, throwing the universe into chaos, or destroy it, and make one of your own. What will you do?
Usagi: I like chaos.
Rocky IV: I too enjoy the chaos.
Noel: But we could fix what's wrong in the world!
Hakugwyn: I am the white void. I am the just sword. I am the cold steel. With blade in hand I shall reap this world of its sins and cleanse it in the fires of destruction. I am Hakugwyn, the end has come!
Noel: She means she agrees with me.
Director: So we're tied here, should we call (Valentine's player) and ask his opinion?
The players: Sure, why not.

Valentine: Hmm, chaos does sound nice, but we can make the new world have catgirls and animal people.
Usagi: I change my vote.
Rocky IV: I change my vote.
Hakugwyn: I change my vote.

----------------

Director(Formerly Hakugwyn): So, describe your close relationships.
Lyn: I have relationships with my servants, Matt, James, Jimmehfer, Straid, and my cat, Master Potato Pigeon Senpai.


Director: The crowd around you begins screaming and going crazy, "No! Why has our great EAT IT in the sky gone out, HOW ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE!"


Director: As you begin walking towards Lyn's home, you find yourself being followed by 5 to 8 dozen people.
Caeda: I send my butler Auguste to fight them.
Thanatina: I emerge from the horde and fight Auguste.
Director: Auguste is quickly pinned to the wall by Thanatina and beaten to a bloody pulp.
Caeda: He looks like he has this under control, we keep walking.
Director: You are now being followed by 5 to 8 dozen people, minus one.


Caeda: So Lyn, what did you discover during your investigation.
Lyn: I am pretty sure that the filthy birdmen, no offense Greg, are behind this.
Caeda: Why?
Lyn: Because Greg is a filthy lying birdman who says that the birdmen didn't do it. No offense Greg.



M: I rebel, shooting Greg down, freeing him from captivity, before shrieking, spreading my raven wings, and flying out the window.
Director: I'm so glad that M isn't actually playing and is just saying very appropriate things to us over Skype.

[Sliver]

Me (Rogue) & Fighter: "We hide in the bushes."
Fighter: "I'm making bush sounds."
Me: "I'm quiet."
Passing orc scouts: "Hmm... This bush is oddly quiet."
Me: "... I'm making bush sounds."
Passing orc scouts: "Guess it was just my imagination." *leaves*

[Spore]

I leave this here:

http://i.imgur.com/nj2wK5e.png

[DigoDragon]

Valentine: Hmm, chaos does sound nice, but we can make the new world have catgirls and animal people.

I like Valentine's train of thought. :smallbiggrin:


Me: "... I'm making bush sounds."

LOL



Dorn: "Uh oh, Dorn died."
Max: "For reals?"
Toddler: *Eating Dorn's character sheet* "NOM NOM NOM..."

BB: "When we go to sell these weapons, let me do the talking."
Kard: "No, let me do the talking. I have an extensive track record of the sort."
Max: "On what, talking or successfully selling items?"
Kard: "Uh, it is one of the two things."

Lia: "I'd like to have the mythril chainshirt. Max, you can have my masterwork chainshirt."
Max: "Even though I'm overall larger, this shirt is really loose up top for some reason."
BB: "Pockets?"
Lia: *JUTS*
Dorn: "That's... pretty impressive for an elf."
Lia & Mandy: "We must, we must, we must increase our bust!"

BB: "I suggest we go to Myth Drannor."
Taylor: *Smacks BB in the back of the head*
BB: "I suggest we go to ElvenTree."

GM: "Everyone hates the oracle because he's always blabbering info like he knows everything."
Lia: "So he's like Eleminster?"
GM: "No, more like Mr. Magoo."

Kard: "That's no lady, that's a space station!"

BB: "I'll be asleep until I wake up."

Kard: *Smashes through the bar window* "You have an appointment with the underworld."
Bartender: "Holy SH**!!"
Kard: "I'm full of sin and evil!"
Bartender: *Runs away*
Kard: "Hey, where are you going?"
GM: "You just said you were full of sin and evil."
Kard: "Why do you listen to me?"

[Lord Torath]

Lia & Mandy: "We must, we must, we must increase our bust!"Anyone remember where that quote came from? I'm pretty sure it's Are You there, God? It's me, Margret by Judy Blume., but it's been decades since I read that book.

[ZeroGear]

Anyone remember where that quote came from? I'm pretty sure it's Are You there, God? It's me, Margret by Judy Blume., but it's been decades since I read that book.

song from Lords of Acid:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1jzVJjk32E

[Lord Torath]

Hmmm... Lords of Acid debuted in 1988 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lords_of_Acid), while the book was published in 1970 (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Are_You_There_God%3F_It%27s_Me,_Margaret.). I wonder if there are any earlier references.

[TheHoodedTeddy]

Player: I ask if we can be friends.
DM: *Rolls* The dagger that she throws misses you.

[Dasgovernator]

Victor: "Good to know they have angels with desk jobs.
DM: Archangel of data entry: Subtype[Lawful, IT, and Good]"

Victor: "Angels will be alot less intimidating now that I'm going to be imagining them all in Geek Squad uniform, pulling up in a VW Bug"
DM: "The life of an immortal servant of the Gods is never as glamorous as you might think"
Victor: "Is your Holy symbol plugged in? Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

[janusmaxwell]

"I get 1 success on my intimidate check, unless the tank adds more dice to the roll"

"Grand Theft Panzer!"

[flame12]

P3: I’m not immune to fire. :smallmad:
P2: What kind of Human Torch are you?

P2: Wait, who’s been stabbed the most times in this campaign?

GM: Dual wield with a dustdevil?

P2: I was only assuming that for invading Canada.

P4: Wait, so P1 is in the red light district of Wisconsin?

P2: So it that a flare, or-
P4: Why is there a caterpillar?

P2: Is it auto tuned Berserker?

[DigoDragon]

Victor: "Is your Holy symbol plugged in? Have you tried turning it off and on again?"

LOL! This one is comedy gold.

[janusmaxwell]

"We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of hedge!"

"Oh my god, we actually do have the full group for Wizard of Oz! We have Toto, the former pit-dog; one chick; the darkling who can't fight, a clockwork man and...an ogre. So it's not a perfect fit, but we have the right number!"

[Ninjaxenomorph]

"Welcome to the goblin space program! Would you like to be an astronaut?"

[the OOD]

GM: as the smoke clears, you see Leochou standing shirtless in a hallway littered with dead bodies.
Tesla: same old, same old.

Leochou: umm... *pause* what's the right response to that?
Tesla: set phasers the deep-fry!
Leochou: close enough. make it so.

Leochou: should I roll charisma?
GM: at a +1 bonus for shirtlessness

Petra & Tesla: say the line! say the line! :smallsmile:
Cesus: if I have to say that line one more time...
Petra & Tesla: do it.
Cesus: *sigh* I see you got your shirt off cap'n. :smallsigh:

Cesus: if the captain won't let me beat the prisoners, he probably wont let you shoot them and get blood on the ship.
Tesla: but... but my laser cauterizes...

Cesus: I move in front of Tesla before firing my rifle, just to be safe.
Cesus: *misses, shoots Leochou in the face*
Leochou: Ow! I think Jesus is trying to kill me!
Tesla: actually, I think he's blindly attacked everyone on the team by now, so It's not personal.
Cesus: I'm so sorry.
Petra: hey, Leo threw the smoke grenade, It's his own fault.

GM: one dumb*** throws a smoke grenade, and an easy combat takes two and a half hours. :smallfurious:
Party: *looks at Leochou*
Leochou: I'm so sorry.

Leochou: Jesus is my co-pilot. :smallbiggrin:
Petra: that's a terrible idea, I don't think he has any ranks.
Perta: actually, does he even have the required feat, cus if not, fails are auto-fumbles.
*beat*
Leochou: Jesus sucks. :smallfrown:

[Sith_Happens]

DM: "Congratulations, there's now a worm in your pit."
Player: "It's very loose fit, before you ask."

"Of course [Ranger] hits hit own foot slightly harder than he hit the ooze..."

DM: "Oh, wait, the Elder Pudding is immune to slashing and piercing."
Player 1: "...Really!?"
Player 2: "Oh yeah, this is one of the oozes with Splitting isn't it?"
DM: "Okay, so your barrage didn't deal any damage, but it did split the pudding into... What's 2^6?"
Player 2: "64. Each of which had 4 HP and therefore the cat has already burned them all to death."
DM: "Okay then."

PC 1: "So what else is on this floor?"
DM: "It's set up like a giant hamster cage."
PC 2: "I jump up to the water bottle, hang on with my jaw, and start drinking from it."

DM: "You now have enough materials for your Displacer Beast condoms."
Player 1: "--Or whatever it is he wants to make out of it."
DM: "So if you wore one of those would your penis appear to be in two places at once?"
Player 2: "It would appear to be in only one place at once, just not the right one."
DM: [*giggles*] "So you'd have a roll a 50% miss chance..."
Player 1: "Provided the wearer is the one maneuvering for insertion I'm pretty sure proprioception is more than accurate enough for that to not be a problem. If the other party is charge of the connection, on the other hand..."
Player 3: "I HATE YOU ALL."

(More to come later, maybe not today though.)

[the OOD]

an old one.

Collin: ahrrgg, what the hell is it's weakness? this is starting to look like a TPK. :smallmad:
Malcolm: (hanging onto the back of a train) I got this.
Malcolm: *pulls sawn-off shotgun out of coat, fires both shots*
GM: what kind of rounds were those?
Malcolm: *reading list* a shotgun-sized, hex-marked, coldforged iron-based, lead-tipped glass slug filled with gel made from holy water, clover extract, rock salt, garlic paste, wolfsbane extract, oil, depleted uranium dust, and mercury, with silver shavings and white oak mixed in, that was blessed by Buddhist, Shinto, and Catholic priests.
GM: umm... :smalleek:
Malcolm: and the other shot was a magnesium-iron dragon's breath round.
GM: what the hell?

[Kid Jake]

From my Pathfinder game:

Eadric*hiding in the rafters*: "I hear you are quite intelligent beast. Rather than resort to brute strength, I challenge you to a battle of wits! If I win you will serve me, if you win you may eat me at your leisure."
Dragon: "You will find that I am far cleverer than a mere kobold. It will take you and ALL of your friends to defeat me."
Eadric*slides out of hiding*: "There is only me and my companion outside, but I alone will challenge you."
Dragon*pins Eadric to the ground as soon as he sees him*: "Well, well, well. Then it looks like I win."

[Necroticplague]

Nesdu: Wait, if none of my powers do openbracket W closedbracket damage, why do I even need a weapon?
Gene: To use as an implement. Of course, if you have an enchanted ki focus, no reason at all, so you can hold pretty much anything for your attacks.
Nesdu: Anything?
Gene:Anything.
*One night of carnage later*
Nesdu: Hey look, I'm on the news!
TVAnchorwoman:And in latest news, 20 brave officers were injured in a fight with a rampaging werewolf armed with....Wait, am I reading that right?
OffscreenProducer:Yeah, I was suprised too, just keep reading the prompter.
TVAnchorwoman:*Sigh* Armed with a 3-foot adult toy and a gift wrap cardboard tube. The lycan was last seen heading into the Downtown District before the police lost track of them.

And a different system, but not drastically different tone:
Term:Wait, you can cure the Great Contagion!?
Gene: Sure, its not that hard. Takes quite a few motes, though, but money can't buy this kinda goodwill.
Term:What charm is it that lets you do that, anyway?
Gene: Scorpion and Toad Mastery. I lactate celestial wine, 3 doses cure everything.
Nesdu: Way too much information.
Term: Agreed.
Gene: If you're gonna be that squeemish, don't ask where I get my celestial coke.
Nesdu:What is your totem, a Beast of Resplendent Liquid?
Gene: Close, Harvester of Poisons.

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Mandy, there's a large alligator coming out of the water. It looks hungry."
Mandy: "Wake up everyone! There's something big and full of teeth coming out of the swamp!"
Taylor: "What? Is it coming this way?"
GM: "Yes, a Dire Alligator."
Dorn: (Yawn) "Why was I awaken?"
Lia: "Giant gator incoming!"
Dorn: "Feh. I cast Laser Light of Venia."
GM: "You cast what?"
Dorn: "Laser Light of Venia. Critical hit, 32 searing magic light damage, no save, end of gator."
Max: "Wait... did Dorn just Death Star the gator?"
Dorn: "Yep. (Goes back to sleep)

Merc Leader: "What's your intent?"
Dorn: "We're on a mission from Lia's god."
Lia: "Not just my god."
Taylor: "We're here 'cause of the old lady."
Dorn: "Fine. We're here on a mission from Lia's god and Taylor's grandmother."

Kard: "This is worse then getting hit by a defenestrating sphere in a window museum! When does it end?!"

Kard: "I'm a tugboat, toot toot!"

Stranger in Sarape: "Last I saw of your dad, Max, he killed me after trying to slam a ship through my castle."
Max: "Uh... what?"
Stranger in Sarape: "You mean you don't know?"
Dorn: "You have to excuse him, his father ran a lot of ships through castles. You'll have to be more specific."

Kard: (To a wizard) "Hey you, your face is ugly and it makes my unborn children cry. How does that make you feel? I want to connect with you on an emotional level!"
Taylor: "This before or after he connects with you on a fist level?"

Taylor: "Bash his head with a mug!"
Dorn: "A monk?"
Taylor: "A. MUG."
Dorn: "Oh, I misheard! I imagined monks coming in a 6-pack you can throw at people."
Kard: "Like a monk of ale?"
Taylor: "Guys? I'm getting manhandled over here!"
Dorn: "Manhattan?"

Lia: (Imitating Bullwinkle) "Hey Rocky, watch me pull an asswhooping out of this scabbard!"

Kard: "Hey cleric dwarf man, make me not dumb."
Dorn: "I don't do miracles."
Kard: "Don't you have spells? Like, what would you do if your intelligence was attacked?"
Dorn: "...I'd go drinking. Again."

Kard: (Drunk) "Vicini... you told me to go back to the beginning... well here I am!"

Dorn: "Taylor, do you see a large red ankle outside the window there?"
Taylor: "Uh, yeah. I do."
Dorn: "Does that ankle belong to what I think it does?"
Taylor: "Yup... Ancient red dragon."
Dorn: "...That's what I thought."

Kard: "Ah... wait, evil Tiamat or skittles Tiamat?"

Taylor: "Do you think Kard told the dragon that Shiro is a balor now?"
Dorn: "I'm half-tempted to withhold that information and see how this inevitable duel pans out."
Mandy: "Either way, we'd win."
Max: "So... back to drinking?"
Dorn: "Back to drinking!"

[goto124]

Was Dorn sleeping IC or OOC when he laseres the alligator?

[DigoDragon]

Was Dorn sleeping IC or OOC when he laseres the alligator?

Sleeping IC. I was in the kitchen at the time and was getting called back to the table for this 'emergency'. :smalltongue:

[Erth16]

(Please note the following were from a time of lawlessness, playing "Pathfinder" in the loosest sense of the word.)
VAZSBGSTPACIBGKIV: Ok I sneak into the enemy camp, 65.
Dm: Ok, you sneak in easily, where do you go in their camp?
VAZ: I go to the general's tent, and try and steal his combat plans.
Dm: You get in there and see the scarred balding general, the plans are on his table, it is a sleight of hand check.
The Flame of Heaven: I beat up a tree stump outside.
VAZ: I got a 48.
Dm: Ok you take the plans, now what do you do?
VAZ: I take the general's weapon.
Dm: Sleight of hand, but this one is more difficult.
Flame: The stump begins crying tears of blood, as I continue pounding it.
VAZ: I only got a 35 this time.
Dm: Sorry, he notices you taking his dagger and you begin struggling for it.
VAZ: I use sleight of hand to disarm him.
Dm: But that already failed.
VAZ: No I meant steal his arms. 53
Dm: I can't argue with a nat 20, ok you stole his arms.
Flame: I bathe in the blood of the battered and dying tree, it's silent cries filling the air with sorrow.



Squirrel: I rip the roof off the bar and reach inside, grabbing some of the girls.
Lord of Purple: I ain't standin for no 40 foot tall squirrel stealing my roof and customers, I hop onto my scooter and cast fireball.

Lord of Purple: I use my vast stores of cash to make a missile, and then the zombie cowgirls pilot it into the capital of the country we declare war on.
Richard Stark: I of course, made the missile out of 100% explosions.

Dm: As you look about you, the crusaders rush into the city attacking!
Flame: I blow up the crusaders.
Dm: They are battered by your mighty explosion.
VAZ: I blow up the crusaders.
Jacob: I also blow up the crusaders.
Dm: And thus did the pope discover that for the next crusade, he shouldn't organize the knights in a 20ft radius, for a party of wizards who all took fireball have thwarted the crusade in less than 6 seconds.

Julio: It was a terrible shame, seeing all of them in that mass grave of fire. But do not fear, for the knights did not die in vain. When they left on their suicide mission, VAZSBGSTPACIBGKIV was with them, and she also died, so now we can stop saying her name.

[Strigon]

an old one.

Collin: ahrrgg, what the hell is it's weakness? this is starting to look like a TPK. :smallmad:
Malcolm: (hanging onto the back of a train) I got this.
Malcolm: *pulls sawn-off shotgun out of coat, fires both shots*
GM: what kind of rounds were those?
Malcolm: *reading list* a shotgun-sized, hex-marked, coldforged iron-based, lead-tipped glass slug filled with gel made from holy water, clover extract, rock salt, garlic paste, wolfsbane extract, oil, depleted uranium dust, and mercury, with silver shavings and white oak mixed in, that was blessed by Buddhist, Shinto, and Catholic priests.
GM: umm... :smalleek:
Malcolm: and the other shot was a magnesium-iron dragon's breath round.
GM: what the hell?

Plot twist:
It's weakness was holly.

[Sith_Happens]

Creator of the Universe: You brave chosen ones now have the choice to destroy the walls holding reality together, throwing the universe into chaos, or destroy it, and make one of your own. What will you do?
Usagi: I like chaos.
Rocky IV: I too enjoy the chaos.
Noel: But we could fix what's wrong in the world!
Hakugwyn: I am the white void. I am the just sword. I am the cold steel. With blade in hand I shall reap this world of its sins and cleanse it in the fires of destruction. I am Hakugwyn, the end has come!
Noel: She means she agrees with me.
Director: So we're tied here, should we call (Valentine's player) and ask his opinion?
The players: Sure, why not.

Valentine: Hmm, chaos does sound nice, but we can make the new world have catgirls and animal people.
Usagi: I change my vote.
Rocky IV: I change my vote.
Hakugwyn: I change my vote.

PC logic at its finest.:smallamused:


an old one.

Collin: ahrrgg, what the hell is it's weakness? this is starting to look like a TPK. :smallmad:
Malcolm: (hanging onto the back of a train) I got this.
Malcolm: *pulls sawn-off shotgun out of coat, fires both shots*
GM: what kind of rounds were those?
Malcolm: *reading list* a shotgun-sized, hex-marked, coldforged iron-based, lead-tipped glass slug filled with gel made from holy water, clover extract, rock salt, garlic paste, wolfsbane extract, oil, depleted uranium dust, and mercury, with silver shavings and white oak mixed in, that was blessed by Buddhist, Shinto, and Catholic priests.
GM: umm... :smalleek:
Malcolm: and the other shot was a magnesium-iron dragon's breath round.
GM: what the hell?

Hellboy would be proud.:smallwink:

[bulbaquil]

GM: "There are no traps on the stairway."
P4: "I am appalled that there are no traps on the stairs!"
P5: "I am appalled that there are no trappings on the stairs."

P5: "There is nothing on the door! Can we go through the door?! I am a VERY ANGRY MAGE!"

P5: "What kind of artisan's tools are they?"
GM: "...Trapmaking."
*party laughs*
GM: "I'm not kidding."
P1: "There's a note on it that says 'We apologize for the lack of traps in this dungeon. Please use these trapmaker's tools to rectify the situation'!"
GM: "Actually, yes."

GM: "Do you look at the bullet?"
P5: "Yes."
GM: "Do you REALLY look at the bullet?"
P5: "YES."
GM: "It's a +1 merciful bullet."
Party: *bursts out laughing*

[Rater202]

Sabina:You're a wizard, Harry Gear!!

[Dasgovernator]

Nerusk: "You look surprisingly similar to . . .someone we never actually saw"

Val: "They're probably together in the afterlife"
Nerusk: "Depends on how well their alignments meshed"
Kamien: "Z isn't exactly 'all together' herself. You sent half of her flying across the room remember?"

DM: "Nerusk tells Kaimen about his people's culture"
Victor: "This seems very unusual to me"

Val: "More Necromancers should make their bases in natural history museums."

Val: "So We turn Asmodeus into a Hippie. This is a good plan"

Victor: "There he was, just minding his own business, when all of a sudden giant Devil Octopus flew out of the sky and landed on him"

DM: "You were trying to be peaceful, but all they saw was 'Hey a snack'"

[goto124]

DM: "You were trying to be peaceful, but all they saw was 'Hey a snack'"

Swap out 'a snack' for 'XP and loot' to get the players' point of view :smalltongue:

[Erik Vale]

Me: So Allosourus' are 9m tall.
P1: Double that for this world.
Me: Oh... 18m... Does it even notice us?
DM: Would you notice a mars bar?


Me: Oh, it's a heard. ****. I start making bush sounds.
GM: Go oooon.

GM: It might be 10 or 11, but it's a moon beam ok.
P4: The moon just comes out and says 'Bam motherf*cker!'

GM: I can't move it.
P2: I think it's because it's inside the second circle.
Me: You might need to rotate it... It's the lazy suzen OF DEATH!

Me: If it dies to a [Giant] frog, he's never going to live it down.
P3: Six hits for 6 damage.
DM And the allosaurus goes down.
P3: That's actually the first time it's ever attacked.
DM: So the first time you ever see this frog ever attacks, it kills an allosaurus.

P2: I can cast detect good and evil.
ME: So you can detect if it's an evil hole?
DM: No, no, it's not a evil hole.

DM: If the party were all druids-
Me: We could be a monkey riding a man riding a giant ape riding a stegosaurus.
DM: And in combat?
Me: The enemy dies of laughter.

P4: I can't cast animal messenger, I've cast all my spell slots.
DM: It's a ritual spell you can cast it.
P4: Could we cast it more than once?
DM: It's a ritual spell, I'm sure you could cast it more than once.
Me: So we can spam animal messenger?
DM: Did we just invent magical spamming?
Peanut Gallery: Is that how Queensland medicine works?

[Later Thought, how Hogwarts annoyed the Potters.]

Me: We've just got to be careful people don't eat the spam.
DM: Don't send animal messengers to poor people, they just eat it.
Me: Animal messenger Plague rats. Biowar!

Awaken plants and farming.

DM: A maze of Maize with a minotaur in it.

[DigoDragon]

Dorn: "Who started this fight?"
Max: "Kard shook the hand of a half-ogre and level drained it. So now the half-ogre is pissed and-"
Dorn: "It's a half-ogre. That's their racial trait."

Kard: "Hey cleric, a little help?"
Dorn: "You know, funny thing about that. I haven't signed the waiver yet, so technically I cannot heal you or else I risk breaking the contest rules."
Max: "What little rules there are."
Kard: "You're an ass. I'll give you 4% of the winnings. Now heal me so I can understand what it is I just agreed to."
Dorn: "Haha, and that is how I get my beer money!"

GM: "There are carts with merchants in this part of the district."
Max: "What, carts carrying the merchants?"
Merchant 1: "I'm selling nothing! I got nothing! Nothing for sale!"
Merchant 2: "Bring out your cash! Bring out your cash!"

Max: "What temple is that down the street?"
Bartender: "That's the temple of the Scarlet Hooks. They worship Lovatar."
Max: "Who?"
Bartender: "Lovatar, goddess of pain and suffering."
Kard: "I thought Lovatar was a pokemon."

[Dasgovernator]

Swap out 'a snack' for 'XP and loot' to get the players' point of view :smalltongue:

One of the member of the (Evil with a capital E BTW) party was trying to be Lizardfolk Moses and unite the Lizardfolk against the 'oppressive' human regime. He went about this by sending his trusted lieutenant and two other Lizardfolk with gifts to a neighboring tribe, and said tribe returned them minus the lieutenant with the message "Thanks for the meal"

Needless to say, "educating" about 250 low-level Lizardfolk is now a party goal.

[Zale]

So what do I have to roll to burst out of the Dwarf King's chest, Alien-style?


Being a water elemental was a mistake in that game. A fun mistake, but still

[Kid Jake]

One of the member of the (Evil with a capital E BTW) party was trying to be Lizardfolk Moses and unite the Lizardfolk against the 'oppressive' human regime. He went about this by sending his trusted lieutenant and two other Lizardfolk with gifts to a neighboring tribe, and said tribe returned them minus the lieutenant with the message "Thanks for the meal"

Needless to say, "educating" about 250 low-level Lizardfolk is now a party goal.

For some reason 'Lizardfolk Moses' strikes me as a fantastic name for a Shadowrun blues singer.

[Neli42]

GM: An acorn is falling from above.
P1: Falling, or being thrown?
GM: Falling with accuracy.


GM: Your staff is neither warm nor glowing.

[Dasgovernator]

Nerusk: "The Illuminati versus the KKK? ULTIMATE DEATHMATCH GO!"

Val: "Wait they're LG? Don't tell me we just ran into the only good-aligned monsters on the **** island"

Nerusk: "Prezila? Is that a contraction of President Godzilla? They elected a Kaiju?"

Val: "They're treating each other with kindness and respect? Uhh, it feels so . . . wrong"

Nerusk: "I'm taking bets on the fight!"
Val: "Really? What are the odds, 10:1?"
Nerusk: "Not on the outcome, on the duration. 2 Rounds or 1?"

Val: "Good thing our idiot is the one in the Zone of Truth."

Val: "Zone of Truth. Full of so many loopholes you could run a Tarrasque through it"

DM: "He does a flurry of Karate moves in the air"
Val: "Now take out a gun and shoot him in the face"

*Party trying to add up floating bonuses, Rage bonuses, etc."
Victor: "Remember when I said Barbarians are mathy? You all disagreed with me!"

Val: "You are surprisingly honorable for a CN worshiper of Tiamat"

Nerusk: "Two out of three lizardfolk agree, insulting peoples' gods is a bad idea"

Val: "Hope you're not too attached to your head. Well, you won't be soon."

[KnotKnormal]

P1: ok I'm back what did I miss.
P2: we walked into a room and P3 immediately started fidiling with the wall bec-
P1: stop messing with things, that's how we get hurt!
P3: I can't!!!
P1: why not!
P3: because I stop, we all die!!! *gestures up*
P1: ah, so what your saying is I missed a perception check.

P3: ok so that means if I turn this one it should unlock the door. *turns knob*
DM: you hear distant screaming.
P3: *turns knob back*

P1: *licks finger and hold it up* I believe we are lost.
P4: I believe you are right.
P3: I believe in a thing called love.

P1: alright who's not dead
P3: bad news guys, Jack took a rock to the head. (Bluff Nat 20) *points at non decomposed body*
P2: aw man, I liked him. We should carry him out and give him a burial. (Bluff Nat 20)
P1: alright, I'll carry him.
*some time later*
P1: wait a damn minute. Who the hell is Jack?!?
P2: you don't know Jack?
P1: I don't know Jack!
*laughter*
DM: best 2 hour wait ever.

Sorry for the list everyone, its been a while and I have a back log.

[AdmiralCheez]

Fighter: Okay, so you want to take the tiny bell and thread a fine silver wire through the little loop. That's your focusing thing. Next, you want to wave your arms around a bit and say some magic words, and boom! The campsite's warded.
DM: That's really how you describe the workings of the alarm spell?
Bard: That's actually exactly how I imagined a fighter would describe a spell.
Rogue: The fighter is teaching spells to the wizard? Where did this game go wrong?

[IZ42]

Fighter: Okay, so you want to take the tiny bell and thread a fine silver wire through the little loop. That's your focusing thing. Next, you want to wave your arms around a bit and say some magic words, and boom! The campsite's warded.
DM: That's really how you describe the workings of the alarm spell?
Bard: That's actually exactly how I imagined a fighter would describe a spell.
Rogue: The fighter is teaching spells to the wizard? Where did this game go right?

Ftfy. Bring me more. These guys sound funny.

[goto124]

P1: I carve some meat from the elf corpse.
DM: Okay, you now have a pound of elf meat.
P1: I run over to the kitchen, and make a meat pie.
DM: With the elf meat?
P1: Yea.
DM: Okay, *rolls Craft (Cooking) check* You bake a meat pie. It smells tasty.
*P2 returns from toilet break*
P1: I go to meet P2 (an elf).
P2: So, what happened?
P1: I give the meat pie to P2, and say 'I made a meat pie for you, try it!'
P2: Awww, thank you. I eat the pie.
DM: It tastes like yourself.
P2: ...

[KnotKnormal]

P3: guys move, I have a terrible idea.

Not so big bad evil guy: what could you possibly do to me? Your hands are bound and you have no allies here.
P4: I kick him in the nuts. *Nat 20* *Nat 20 to confirm* *Nat 20 to insta-kill*
DM: the orcs stare at you dumbfounded that you just kicked a guy, in the nuts, to death, in one shot.
P4: I OWN YOU NOW!!! Now some one untie me.

DM: you see an army of orcs approaching.
P1: awe come on. Can we not catch a break?
P2: wait... Do you trust P4?
P4: with small non fragile things, why?
P2: he's leading the army
P3: *runs*

[Diachronos]

"I roll a Spellcraft on the goat."

[Guyver87]

Heh, this tread made me remember some of the weirder ones...

1.

[Tiefling Wizard] I go to the crab seller's stall and ask him if he got any slaves to sell.

[DM] What the f#*k?!

[Tiefling Wizard] Hello my good man, do You sell slaves?

[DM as a crab seller] No, are you mad? I sell crabs!!

[Tiefling Wizard] But I wanted to buy a slave...

Actually that hadn't any sense even in context...

2.

[DM] So, let me repeat it, so I am sure, I understood your plan... You want to transform a guy in a fish, make Psion shapeshift into a bowl and throw a fish into it, then Druid creates water to pour into it, and you put it all into Bag of Holding, and then go out of prison as if nothing happened, yes?

[Tiefling Wizard] Yes, a great plan isn't it?


3.

Monks are awesome!! They are faster than trees!!

[DigoDragon]

GM: "Okay, do we wish to continue playing this game?"
Max: *Throws away his character sheet*
GM: "I see I have one vote for yes."

Lia: "BB isn't coming along because he threw out his hip."
Taylor: "Well tell him to fish it out of the trash then."

BB: "Is the sneaking competition already over? Boy that was quiet."

Kard: "I'm glad that he speaks fluent Kenny."

GM: "A giant black worm comes down the corridor at you."
Dorn: "Ack, where's the early bird when you need it?"

Kard: "You can't see me, but I'm implying with my hand gesture that you're a ****."

Lizardman: "Who are you guys?"
Kard: "We're morons lost in the sewer, who else would be down here?"
Lizardman: "...I can't argue with that."

Max: "How tall is Kard again?"
Kard: "M... no wait, that's gender. 138 pounds."

Lia: "Ignore Kard. We're down here looking for someone kidnapped by badguys."
Lizardman: "And I hope Kard here is your exchange?"
Kard: "No, defective unit, box was opened."

Kard: "Yeah, a dog banging a fern leads to a half-elf. That's how you know you're playing D&D."

[goto124]

Any quotes about the middle-school kids in the barracks?

[Eldan]

Not quite a quote, but most of our last session involved three grown men meeting with a twelve year old girl in the forest, at night, and making sure she didn't tell her parents or teachers.

They also first contacted her online.

[DigoDragon]

Any quotes about the middle-school kids in the barracks?

Nothing that particularly stands out as really funny, but that could change. :)

[Sith_Happens]

I have been inspired by Digo to start including actual character names in my quotes, because it's fun to build up an idea over of time of what sorts of things each one says. In fact, at some point soon I'm going to go back to all of my previous posts (yes, all of them) and make that same correction.

Shonen: [*walks into inn*] "Well I found out nothing, what about you guys? What'd I miss?"
Logan: "I made money."
Shonen: "Anything about our little dragon problem?"
Logan: "...No. But I made out like a bandit."
Shonen: *sigh*
Bedistaire: "I stand in the corner and stare disapprovingly."

Shonen: [*via Message*] "...Are you seeing what I'm seeing? [*describes*]"
Fenir: "I thought it was me."
Shonen: "Are you saying this happens to you often?"
Fenir: "I do see things, but never like this."

Ozzim (Fenir): "I suppose the big brutish fighter should take point, that is how it's usually done."
Logan: "Insult me again old man and I'll kill you."
Ozzim: "Fine, the big unintelligent fighter."
Shonen: "I turn to look at Bedistaire."
Bedistaire: "I walk into the cave."

[DigoDragon]

I have been inspired by Digo to start including actual character names in my quotes

Yay, I'm inspiring! :smallcool:


Rundell: "He's Vincent Price! If there was any chance a human being would actually come back from the dead it be him!"


Talon Merc: "Hold your horses. You don't think you're getting away that easy, do you?"
Doc: "Actually, up until you cocked you guns, I did think I was going to get away that easily."


Subtle: "Sabina, you won't believe it! That Arbiter in the jail was really the Queen Inopsis, dominated and disguised!"
Sabina: "...Really? Whoa, this is bad. This is real bad! How am I going to bake a cake big enough to fit Monkey in?"

[oxybe]

All from somewhat "recent" events in our kingmaker game. I am playing Nisha, the Tiefling Witch who, if the GM is to be trusted, is staunchly chaotic evil.

Kreeger : We have killed the King and Guy! Stand down, you have no reason to march onwards.
Invading Horde's Leader: Lies! Even if you did kill the King we mercs will get our pay from the town. Plus, where is your proof?
Kreeger throws down Guy's Greataxe at HL's feet. Guy is the cousin of HL, we know this.
Me: Well he axed for it.

Kreeger's player loses it for several minutes. Rest of table groans.
----------------------------
Kreeger is playing the NPC we brought along in our stealth mission so he gets to do something instead of being a not-silent Barbarian.

GM: So Mistral teleports the group out of the mandragora swarm.
GM: Kreeger , Roll to see what NPC does while confused.
Kreeger: *rolls* attack nearest creature... So would that be Mistral, Kraig, Sorcha (Sorcha is Kraig's giant she-wolf companion with a rather impressive Int score) or Oxybe?
GM: d4 it.
Kreeger: Oxy it is and... critical... confirm.
GM: Checks his crit deck, and you get stabbed in the upper thigh with NPC's Shortsword. Movement halved until healed, though I doubt it matters.
ME: *LUIGI DEATH GLARE* HOLD. PERSON.
Kreeger: Failed that save.
ME: Now that NPC is restrained and not stabbing me *removes sword from leg*, I help her by removing the mandragoras chomping all over her. Slowly.
Kraig: After I'm done removing the ones on me and my pet I go he-
ME: No. No. No. I've got this. *GLARES AT NPC* as I slowly remove the mandragoras and put them in a burlap sack.
----------------------------
Alys: Listen you. When we get back we will have a sit down and discuss this whole "summoning devils" thing.
ME: Well it worked! The Ogre Mage isn't teleporting away and the enemies are either dying or running. Plus the Bone Devil seems so happy!

Noting that the bone devil is arm-deep in viscera and tanking hits like a champ.
----------------------------
GM: The bards run into the room to find their friends getting crushed by Nisha's black tentacles spell. A few get caught.
ME: Swarm of bees? Swarm of bees. SWARM OF BEEEEEES (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1GadTfGFvU)!

And yes, I did play the audioclip as I sent the bees.
----------------------------
GM: These poor guys. Between Alys's warding, Nisha's swarms of bees and Mistral's stinking cloud these knights are having the worst day ever.
ME: Black tentacles? Should I black tentacles?

Turns out I don't have to black tentacles since these guys just give up.
----------------------------
ME: So, since my Fiendish Roc is grabbing onto the ginormous wyvern's back, and the wyvern let go of it's perch... and the Roc can't carry the wyvern's weight... wait a minute (hand motions of how wyvern would fall)... The Roc just suplexed a wyvern! HAWLUCHA TIME!
----------------------------
ME: I really hope I get to just have the T-Rex swallow these water elementals. It's the right kind of stupid imagery: a big dumb-looking dinosaur slumping over to furiously lap up a water man.
----------------------------
Not so much a "Campaign quote" but rather select bits from a "between session" chain of emails I fired off to the GM after discussing things with Kreeger, the barbarian.

ME:So Kreeger's player has mentioned a few times that he would like to be a Weretiger. This seems like the perfect storm of "someone wants to do something crazy" and "Nisha finds this a mix of highly amusing and willing test subject" so I began mulling on it...

[Blood Sugar]

*Me drunk at a tavern starting tavern brawls*
*Carkus, a sorcerer raised by wolves with no social skills or understanding of consequences, comes into the bar high on shrooms*

Carkus: Hey friend! You look like you need some help! Here's some water balloons!
*Acid splashes onto a guy and kills him"

Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS? YOU JUST MURDERED A GUY! EVERYONE GET HIM!
Angry tavern patrons: Hey yeah! This guy just punched a dude. That guy is murdering people! Attack him!

I slip out the back door and Carkus teleports away. We all get the hell out of town and never come back.

[AdmiralCheez]

Sorceress: Hey guys, what did I miss the last few weeks?
Warlock: Oh, we just kicked a lot of butt.
Sorceress: Oh good, I'm glad that I helped.
Warlock: Actually, you really did. You probably would have killed the halfling a couple sessions ago after he used some of the poison that killed all those children in your village, and we really needed his crits.
Rogue (The halfling): ALLEGEDLY used that poison! That cultist might have had a suicide tooth for all we know!
DM: Aren't suicide teeth usually quick and painless, and not what happened to that guy?
Rogue: He's a cultist! They get into that kind of thing!

-------------

DM: How big is the feather in your hat?
Rogue: Well, I'm a halfling, so the feather is of course obnoxiously large. And yes, I am compensating.

-------------

Fighter: Well, I normally wouldn't do this, but that was a good fight. Let's finish off this bottle of rum together!
DM: Is that still the same bottle of rum you stole in the first town?
Fighter: No, this is the bottle of rum I stole from the third town. It's marginally better than the first, but not by much. At least it's not that elven tequila I stole from the last town we were in.
DM: You should write a book reviewing the various stolen liquors of the continent.
Fighter: At least I'm using my pirate background special ability.

[Dasgovernator]

Val: "Damn Hippie Lizards"
Victor: "They can afford to be hippies. They have howitzers"

Grumblejack: "We're Roommates now? AWESOME! We're going to have so many parties, bro!"
Nerusk: "Damn young'ns . . .Turn that music down!"
Ricer: "But its giving you bonuses to strength!"
Nerusk: "I don't use that! I'm an arcanist"

Ricer: "Dude, SkeletonballZ is like my favorite thing ever!"

Val: "There's no Skeletons in there . . .well okay, there's a hippo, but that hardly counts"

Ricer: "Oh man, did you make me room with an icky girl? LAME"

Val: "Why are all the Lizardfolk in the orgy room? They don't belong there"

Val: "Usually its good or neutral things showing up and saying 'Hey nerds, nice base you got here. Give us your stuff'. They're like good-aligned schoolyard bullies"

Bozan the Amulet: "AHH YES! YES! YES! It feels so satisfying to feast on the souls of these despicable angels."
Val: "Did we just get my amulet laid?"

Val: "He busts through the wall like Vetra-The-Koolaid-Man"

Nerusk: "That would annoy me even if I wasn't dead"

[goto124]

I would've taken off and thrown the amulet across the room. Heck, I might've done a similar thing OoCly :smalleek:

[Erik Vale]

*Crit Fail*
DM: It gets a free shove check.
Me: I'm 70ft away Good luck.


Druid: What sort of healing would you like?
DM: He's currently unconscious and bleeding out.
Me: He'd like the not dying kind!

DM: He throws a flask at you
Me: I'd intercept that... Sorry guys.
DM:... Ok, they'd open with the fireballs now.
Me:... I've fire resistance, it'll be funny when I'm the last one standing.


Everyone: *Rolls*
DM: Ok, so everyone but Avinash is unconscious, and the frog is dead.
Me: Called it!
Other Players: *Thrown dice*
DM: And you'r initiative is to late, and the last wizard casts sleep.

[DigoDragon]

Max: "Tired of the old Vecna look? Try Head of Vecna!"
Dorn: "Same great taste, bold new look!"

Kard: "Ooh, a ring of Naked Everybody +3."

Kard: "I start digging!"
GM: "You start digging a hole, then realize you have a shovel in your Bag of Holding."
Kard: "I climb out of my hole, open my bag, pull out the shovel, then jump into the hole and keep digging."
Lia: "We got a real winner here."
Kard: "How do I dig up?"

GM: "The crowd of rogues split left and right, running in fear."
Max: "I parted the Rogue Sea. I'm Puppy Moses!"

Max: "What do Warforged do?"
BB: "Break things and kill people."
Max: "Well we can do that."
Dorn: "Yeah, but don't we do so in the name of justice?"
Kard, Max, and BB: "No."

GM: "I'm going to explain this to you because you don't know what you're doing."
Kard: "Ah, just like all my plans."

Lia: "A lot of people are going to die in this plan. I'll feel bad if any innocent by-standards are killed."
Dorn: "Pffft, we're in a town of thieves holding the Thieving Olympics."
Taylor: "Yeah, what innocents?"

Taylor: "Why did the god of death want you to save a baby?"
Kard: "I dunno, you'd think this wee soul would look great on his mantle of dead people."

Kard: "I'm not teaching the baby curse words, because the last one used them to blow up a deer."

Taylor: (Uses his Gem of Seeing) "Dude, this baby is actually a 4 foot long platinum dragon!"
Kard: "Platinum? Let's pawn this kid!"
Dorn: "Excuse me? This child could change the future of the Realms!"
Kard: "It's a baby god that in a past life turned an evil mistress of pain and suffering into sprinkles and love! I want no more part of it."

Dorn: "Wait, it pees holy water?"

Lia: "I'm not sure I'm up to this task of protecting a dragon god."
Dorn: "Through the actions of several gods this baby found it's way into our hands. The gods believe we stand the best chance of success-"
Taylor: "Or the gods aren't as smart as we thought."
Dorn: "Taylor, you're not helping."

[braveheart]

Drake: "Come on guys lets go challenge the gym"
Erica: "Sam still hasn't been released yet"
Drake: "Look he's standing and he isn't bleeding, why can't we just go?"
Surge: " because he might be bleeding on the inside Drake"
Drake: "But that's where the blood usually is"
-several minutes of laughter -

[Inevitability]

Does the randomly rolled treasure include the Book of Vile Darkness?

[Rater202]

Did-did you just do what I think you did?! I thought making Dumbledore piss himself was bad, but, what the hell man?! What the hell?!

[Ionbound]

PC 1: *slow claps* "Good job, fashionista."
PC 2: "L-look! I'm just wearing this because I got a sunburn! L-last night!"

[Dasgovernator]

Grey: "I don't think we could actually set a price on you . . . I mean we did, but I wasn't sure"

Nynette: "Lets go get a nose or a toe or something"

Talon: "With great power comes great responsibility. And sometimes that means killing someone with a Spiderman mug."

Grey: "My, what large racial hit dice you have" *Evil Smile
Nynette: "No. Bad Necromancer.

Kalibar: "We're not grave-robbing, we're grave-repossessing"

Kalibar: "Even your Talking, Cursed Dagger thinks you're crazy"

Nynette: "No Skele-homo"

Kalibar: "Its not stealing if they attacked us first and were already dead"

Grey: "You deliberately walk off with the cart and nothing happens, but you accidentally walk off with her shovel? She ****ing ends you!"

Grey: "What have I ever done to upset you?"
Nynette: "Aside from summoning a monstrous horrendous fiend?"
Talon: "That's racist"
Nynette: ". . .Against monstrous horrendous fiends?"

*Nynette gets back to camp
Nynette: "Hey Grey"
Grey: "What"
Nynette: "You're not getting any of the corpses"
Grey: "What corpses? What are you talking about"
Nynette: "NOT IMPORTANT. YOU DON'T GET ANY"

Grey: "Surrender and we won't hurt you!"
Kalibar: "After we already shot their sentry through the face?
Grey: " . . .Anymore"

[DigoDragon]

Dorn: "Do we want to sneak into the thieves' guild or just smash in the front door and set the place on fire?"
Kard: "I like fire!"
Mandy: "I can do fire!"
Taylor: "Fire!"
Max: "That idea became popular quick."

Kard: "Someone give me a d7."
Max: "Here's a d8, just slice off a side."

Mandy: "Kard, stay behind and be fed to the baby dragon."
Kard: "Hell no."
Max: "Wow, already sacrificing party members to our new god."
GM: "Our order went from Draconic to Mayan."

Kard: "I'm looking for the man with the wandering hands."
GM: "Half the people here turn to look at you."
Max: "You know you're saying this at a topless bar, right?"
Kard: "...oh."

Lia: "I'm going around the bar taking names and numbers."
Max: "The paladin is getting names at a nudie bar?!"
Lia: "I'm making of list of sinners for my order to smite later."

Kard: "I need to know where the thieves' guild is."
Grab: "Why don't you ask a theif?"
Kard: "This is counter-productive because I'm talking to one right now. You looked like a smart person, but I have been wrong before."

[AdmiralCheez]

Rogue: Why can we never get an artifact of a good god? It's always with the horrible, evil things we can't use, can't sell, and have to travel across the world to destroy. Like, no one ever hands out a Holy Avenger for doing a good job.

-----

NPC1: Did you really tell these idiots they should toss the unholy broach of an evil god into the holy water fountain at the cathedral?
NPC2: I thought it might negate its power or something. I don't know, I'm not the magic guy around here.
NPC1: That'll cause it to explode!
Fighter: At the very least, our wait time to see the archbishop would go down significantly.

-----

Bard: We're giving the halfling the sword that glows when danger is near? I think I should take it; I don't want this turning into Lord of the Rings, what with the evil jewelry and all.
Rogue: No, our campaign would be if Frodo said, "You know what Gandalf? I'm sick of all these stupid, evil, magic rings. I'd rather be a bloodthirsty pirate instead."

[Dr_Dinosaur]

From the Hoard of the Dragon Queen session last night:
Knurdin: I just have to think this through...what would Bro do?
Imaginary!Brotter: You should find the biggest cultist in the camp and sock 'im right in the nose!
Knurdin: Ok no. What about the kid?
Imaginary!Spike: You should find the biggest cultist in the camp and challenge him to a wrestling match!
Knurdin: Terrible idea, don't know why I asked. And you, hypothetical Thia?
Imaginary!Thia: DRAGONSARGLEFUCBKBLARBALAR!
Knurdin: Mimes frantically dispersing thought bubbles in frustration.

Rescued Monk: I was captured willingly! I remain here to gather information on the cult's plans and power! Tells Knurdin, his attempted rescuer, what he knows.
Knurdin: Really? Because I just learned everything you did over the course of four days tied to a post by having lunch with a random cultist.

DM: As you pull the creature's dripping proboscis from your neck, its fragile body is crushed from the pressure of your grip.
Spike: Wait, really?
DM: Yeah, these things only have like 2 HP. Knurdin's turn!
Knurdin (Bard): That makes me feel a lot better about this plan, because I'm out of all my magic words but one.
Thia: ****?
Knurdin: Nope! Sleep


Thia: We should break every last one of these eggs before they get a chance to foul the air.
Spike One omelette coming right up!Barely damages the egg, causing it to crack open and spill the awful dragon fetus on the ground. This is after he managed to 'disarm' a room-wide acid trap by smashing it with a hammer.
Thia: Hmm. I feel kind of bad now. You don't get to break things anymore, Spike.

DM: His spear, driven by momentum and bloodlust unmatched in human capability, shatters like a Hobby Lobby Christmas ornament against your magnificent abs.
Spike: Man I'm pretty!

[ZeroGear]

DM: His spear, driven by momentum and bloodlust unmatched in human capability, shatters like a Hobby Lobby Christmas ornament against your magnificent abs.
Spike: Man I'm pretty!

Why is it that I'm now picturing Spike as Alexander Lewis Armstrong posing without his shirt?

[DigoDragon]

DM: His spear, driven by momentum and bloodlust unmatched in human capability, shatters like a Hobby Lobby Christmas ornament against your magnificent abs.

I laughed so hard at this description that my wife woke up wondering what the heck. I could not form words to explain due to laughter.



Kard: "8863 copper pieces."
Taylor: "What, 8863 Kards?"
Max: "That's... a lot of Kards."
Dorn: "Aye, that's called a Rogue Squadron."

Lia: "Have you heard of Burger King's new Cologne? It's called Flame and it's supposed to appeal to men's desires."
Taylor: "Yeah, makes you hungry."
Dorn: "Because we all dream of smelling like the Lunch Rush menu."
Mandy: "Mmm, honey- you put me in the mood for cheeseburgers."

Oracle: "I wonder if anyone was waiting for me to come back?"
Black Dragon: *Snatches the Oracle off the ground and flies away"
Shaggy: "Like... zoinks. Again."

Kard: "So we're looking for a real live purple dragon?"
Taylor: "I guess it's better then a plaid dragon."
Kard: "What do plaid dragon's breathe?"
Max: "Scotsmen?"

Dorn: "Okay, let's summon this flying lizard and get this party started. Max, break the summoning ring!"
Max: *Breaks the ring easily*
Kard: "...that was a very anticlimatic break."
Mandy: "Is that it? Did we summon anything?"
Lia: "Where's the kaboom? There's supposed to be a dragon summoning kaboom!"

GM: "As the dragon is summoned, something embarrassing happens."
Kard: "He shows up naked?"
GM: "Duh, all dragons are naked!"
Taylor: "Maybe this one shows up in a tux?"

GM: "The entire kobold warband gets down on their knees, sorta like that opening scene on The Lion King."
Dorn: "So... what, do I need to hold up the baby over a rock?"
Lia: "Hakuna Matata?"

GM: "Kard, are you in the Crow's Nest?"
Kard: "Yeah..."
GM: "You see a ship in the distance."
Kard: "...Thing Ho."
Max: "Could you be a little more specific?"
Kard: *Points*
GM: "You all see a ship coming your way."
Taylor: "Oh no, company."
Lia: "It could be some lonely fisherman out on a pleasure cruise... through eel infested waters."

GM: "Okay, let me get this straight. While Kard is being thrown overboard, the puppy starts stripping?"

Dorn: "There is a high level spell that would allow your ship to travel underwater."
Max: "Uh...?"
Dorn: "Ach, no, without drowning the occupants I mean!"
Max: "Oh! I thought you meant like the boat sinks, but the crew stays above the water."
Kard: "That's called a clipping error."

Kard: "There was a fleshy guy on that boat. I think his name was Ray, because that's what he kept casting at me."

[LokiRagnarok]

GM: "As the dragon is summoned, something embarrassing happens."
Kard: "He shows up naked?"
GM: "Duh, all dragons are naked!"
Taylor: "Maybe this one shows up in a tux?"


Now you have to tell.

[Dr_Dinosaur]

Why is it that I'm now picturing Spike as Alexander Lewis Armstrong posing without his shirt?

It's been decided at the table that he's at least a distant relation.


I laughed so hard at this description that my wife woke up wondering what the heck. I could not form words to explain due to laughter.

My DM will be thrilled to know you thought so lol. Your groups are the standard I measure humor and shenanigans in my own games by!

[DigoDragon]

Now you have to tell.

When the dragon was summoned, his head was stuck in a chicken coup. Apparently we interrupted lunch.

[Diachronos]

"The dragon can deal leet damage."

"Kjellfrid trusts none of it. Especially not the lobster."

[Dycize]

I'm glad to finally be able to contribute to this thread!

NPC : Okay I give you a last chance, if you can tell a good joke I'll tell you more about the place you're looking for.
Bartholomew : Do you know the story of the dwarf who went into the grass?
NPC : No, do you know?
Barthlomew : I don't know either we couldn't find him since then!
*beat*
Bartholomew : I guess that didn't tickle your funny bone.
*entire table laughs away for a solid minute*

Little Bobby Richards Jr : I poke my head out of the water like a crocodile.
DM : Okay, make me a stealth roll.
*rolls poorly*
Dwarf NPC, arming his gun : Dang, must be another one of those swamp crocodiles!

DM : So what do you do this turn?
Bartholomew : I run away from the dragon! Also, an intimidate check.
DM : Okay, but you get a -2 penalty for running away.
*rolls a total of 46*
DM : ...Okay, so, tell me, how do you do this?
Bartholomew : I guess my eyes turn red and my voice deep and I say Your battle is over dragon! We have already destroyed the artifact! There is nothing you can do! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! Kinda like this.
DM : ...So there is a second of silence, then you all hear a little yelp coming from the dragon.

All this from an undead Pathfinder one shot. Little Bobby Richards Jr is a zombie gnoll (I threw the name as a joke to the player... decided the name was awesome so she kept it). Bartholomew was my character, a skeleton fighter. I made my best Skeletor impression whenever he talked. Except for the intimidation part, which was a lot more rough.

[Benthesquid]

A table put together by one of my players during tonight's game.




D% Roll
Treasure Provided


01-09
Heartwarming Letter From Home


10-19
Gold Bars


20-29
Ale


30-35
Wine


36-39
Mead or spirits


40-45
Soft Coal


46-49
Racist Pamphlets


50-57
Hammers


58-60
Hard Coal


61-65
Silk or Linen


66-70
Hammers


71-80
Potions


81-90
Hammers


91-95
Weed Killer


96-99
Urn of Saffron


00
Roll twice, combine, and add hammers


Never
Bread

[cavalieredraghi]

A table put together by one of my players during tonight's game.




D% Roll
Treasure Provided


01-09
Heartwarming Letter From Home


10-19
Gold Bars


20-29
Ale


30-35
Wine


36-39
Mead or spirits


40-45
Soft Coal


46-49
Racist Pamphlets


50-57
Hammers


58-60
Hard Coal


61-65
Silk or Linen


66-70
Hammers


71-80
Potions


81-90
Hammers


91-95
Weed Killer


96-99
Urn of Saffron


00
Roll twice, combine, and add hammers


Never
Bread



I want Context.

[Benthesquid]

I want Context.

A combination of things. One of the main ones is a table of incidental treasure I put together- some of it has the potential to develop into plothooks, others are just flavorful things- like finding out that the rogue who was trying to knock you over the head also reads trashy romance novels, or is carrying a letter from his parents, or just a bottle of hooch.

Another part is my tendency to give treasure in trade goods- a party once had to figure out what to do with the loot from a kobold's hideout, which included several bolts of silk and a huge jug of saffron.

The hammers... well, the less said about that, the better.

[BootStrapTommy]

PC: You know things aren't going your way when goblins speak in tautologies.

[DigoDragon]

I want Context.

I want hammers. :smallbiggrin:

[goto124]

Quotes from the Racist Pamphlets, please.

[Michael7123]

As my chaotic evil rouge's attempt to appear good.

Tristain: "Do you have any respect for the sanctity of human life?" (or at the very least, it was something to that effect.

Me: "This is out of character." Than I burst into uncontrollable laughter.

[Sith_Happens]

Lia: "It could be some lonely fisherman out on a pleasure cruise... through eel infested waters."

Hey, eel is delicious.:smalltongue:

----------

Bedistaire (OOC): "I'm sure this makes sense in context."
Shonen (OOC): "Define 'makes sense' and 'context?'"

Fenir: "I touch myself and make a Will save to disbelieve. [*rolls*] I pass--"
Shonen: "--And disappear in a puff of logic."

DM: "Guys, I think we're getting side-tracked."
Shonen (OOC): "By SCIENCE!"

Logan: "I pet the bear invisibly."

Logan: "Wait, is this a male bear or a female bear?"
Shonen (OOC): "Do you want to check?
Logan: "I would have been able to tell already before interacting with it."
Shonen (OOC): "...Sure, we'll give you that one."
DM: *nods*

DM: "...I would have to explain, there's a lot to unpack with that."
Shonen: "Like their blockages from hibernating?"
DM: *sighs*

Logan: "Wait, is the Warforged still in a giant condom?"
Shonen: "It hasn't been for a while."

Logan: "We start to explore further into the tunnel."
DM: "The bear does not follow."
Shonen: "What's your Handle Animal?"
Logan: "I don't have any."
Shonen: "You don't have Handle Animal."
Logan: "You told me I didn't need any!"
Shonen: "I told you there's a specific amount you need."
Bedistaire: "I have +9."
Logan: "You do it then... Wait, you should try to ride it. The [legendary] bear can be your noble steed!"
Bedistaire: "I have +13 Ride, I could do this. [*rolls*] 27 Handle Animal."
DM: "The bear comes."
Bedistaire: "I mount it. [*rolls*] 32 Ride."
Shonen: "22 after penalties, but still."
DM: "You are now riding the bear."
Logan: "BEAR CAVALRY!"

Logan (OOC): *plays "Nord Mead (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NCHq0m67lq8)" on his laptop*
Shonen (OOC): "This is basically Torcadall's theme song."
Bedistaire/Torcadall (OOC): "Pretty much."

Logan (OOC): "It's 'cavalry,' not 'calvary.' Calvary is the hill on which Jesus was crucified, and I'm not expecting a hill to suddenly sprout legs and become your mount."
Shonen (OOC): "...Does that mean it would have eyes too?"

Logan: "I giant wolf attack I can rationalize as not precluding a diplomatic solution. A freaking knight charging in with a lance, on a bear, on the other hand..."

Logan: "I scout down the left tunnel."
Elphinna: "I check the right."
DM: "The left tunnel has a seven-headed hydra and the right has a bodak."
Logan: "I drop to my knees and stare."
Elphinna: "I describe the Bodak to Fenir who identifies it and then tell the party."
Logan: "'All Along the Watchtower' plays in my head."
Elphinna: "What's on your side Logan? Logan? Are you there?"
Logan: "You hear 'All Along the Watchtower.'"
Elphinna: *sigh* "On my way." [*flies over to Logan*] "Hm, how smart would you say these things are?"
Logan: [*shaking*] "Not smart... Not smart... Really dumb... Not smart at all..."
Elphinna: *laughs* "Then watch and learn." *casts Ray of Stupidity*
DM: "...Okay then."
Hydra: *falls over comatose*
Elphinna: "It's okay you poor, poor fool, the big mean hydra has gone into a big deep sleep. By which I mean its higher brain functions have ceased. [Cheerfully:] Now who wants to stab it?"

Logan (to Elphinna): "Comfort me later?"
Elphinna: "Well you definitely need it."
Elphinna: "I immediately attempt to begin telepathic phone-sex."
Logan: "Now that's just distracting."
Elphinna: "For someone who's so much fun you're sure no fun."

Fenir: "How exactly do you shoot something nonlethally?"
Shonen: "Very carefully, hence the -4."

Logan: "You want to heal this giant?
Ozzim (Fenir): "I'm a wizard, I can't heal anything."
Logan: "How do we make the cleric come back out again?"
Shonen: "When someone needs healing. Which this giant definitely does."
Ozzim (OOC): "When a teammate needs healing badly."
Logan: "I start to beat the **** out of myself."

[the OOD]

Leochou: not blowing things up would be easier if you would give me some damn explosives!

Petra: so the plan is to get naked, loot everything, bull rush the door, and phase out of the vault.
Leochou: I firmly support this plan!

GM: you see a tide of people rushing down the hallway, packed so tightly that they are practically crawling over each other to get to you. there could be hundreds as far as you can tell.
Aron: screw this, I'm outta here!
Leochou: *talking to Petra* meh, we got this.
*2 rounds latter*
GM: death... death everywhere...:smalleek:

Leochou: is it safe to assume that we've sterilized the facility?
GM: roughly 8000 kilos of innards and gore are coating you, Petra, and the floor, walls and ceiling as far as you can see in any direction. define "sterilized".
Leochou: so... no?

Petra: as long as we have this chance... slip 'n slide?
Cesus: well... ok.
*the most disgusting slip-'n-slide ever latter*:smallyuk:
Cesus: let us never speak of this again.

GM: Leo, you see Jesus and Petra walking up to the ship, completely saturated in blood, and dripping.
Cesus: *walks up stiffly, clearly disgusted and possibly traumatized*
Petra: *hums whimsically, skipping slightly with each step*
Leochou: the song that's play right now is a kirby remix called "the best 2 minutes and 14 second of my life (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peEVZ2ggNS8)". I am making this Petra's theme music.
Petra: done.
Leochou: also? stay the hell off my ship until we get you hosed down.

Tesla: can we drive the Mule down the hallways in here?
GM: yes, but you can't fit it through the door.
Leochou: Jesus, blow us a new door. that's an order.
Cesus: Yes Sir! :smallbiggrin:


[after game, OOC]
Leochou: YES!
GM: what?
Leochou: I managed to keep my shirt on for an entire session!
Tesla: who are you, captain Kirk?

[goto124]

Leochou: I managed to keep my shirt on for an entire session!

I can't tell if he meant his IC or OOC shirt. Also, ask him if he's okay with posting pics online.

[IZ42]

I can't tell if he meant his IC or OOC shirt. Also, ask him if he's okay with posting pics online.

Both possibly. And Digothe OOD, so you actually mean minuets or did you mean minutes? As a musician I was extremely confused.

[DigoDragon]

And Digo, so you actually mean minuets or did you mean minutes?

Um... that one wasn't mine... O.o


Kard: *Knocks on the door from outside*
Dorn: "Ack! Our rogue locked himself out."
GM: "This bodes poorly for the group."

Daniel: "BB, did you know there's a one million GP reward for your friends?"
BB: "What did they do to earn a one million GP reward?"
Daniel: "It's not what they did, it's what they got."
Max: "A sexy puppy like me?"
Daniel: "The reward is in gold pieces, not iron slugs."

GM: "The enemy ship launches 100 rail rockets at your ship. About 60% will hit."
Kard: "I'm in the crow's nest. How many hit me?"
GM: "Surprisingly... none."
Kard: "I look down through holes in the deck at everyone below in the cargo hold- Hey, we're exploding!"

Mandy: "Captain, turn the ship sideways to the right so I can return fire."
Captain: "One archer? We're returning fire with one archer?"
Mandy: "Or you can just float here until they reload and fire another round of rockets."
Captain: "...Hard to starboard!"
GM: "Okay, everyone make a Dex check. Alright Mandy, you better make this shot count."
Mandy: *Fires one arrow - called shot, Captain's Head - Rolls a nat 20*
Enemy Captain: "Um... Ow." (dies)
GM: "Okay... the pirates think it's a better idea to wait for you all to reach port, so they stop firing and let you pass."

GM: "Okay the ship hits land, do you all get off?"
Kard: "Well, we can wait until we reach a proper burlesque house within the town first."

GM: "You all reach the town of Tartuga. It's nightfall, so all the shops are closed up for partying."
Max: "WOOooo!!" (Throws off his backpack and gear)
Dorn: "We should first rent a room and prepare for-"
Max: "Bah!" (Waves Dorn away, throws off his clothes, runs through the town towards the party) "WOOooo!!"

Kard: "That's it, I fly to the roof of the first building, pull down my pants, and take a dump in the chimney."
GM: "Okay, as you burn your butt plugging the hot chimney, some drunks outside start shouting at the store owner about your actions."
Kard: "Wait, why?"
GM: "You're squatting with your pants down over his shop! The shop owner starts stuffing gunpowder into the chimney to get rid of you."
Kard: "Oh this is going to suck."
Max: "No, my good man, I think this is going to blow."

BB: "I ask for a female gnome."
GM: "You paying up front or starting a tab?"
BB: "I'll pay up front."
GM: "It's 5 GP."
BB: "For how long?"
Kard: "Six feet."
Mandy: "What they say about short people IS true!"

GM: "Dorn, in the building next door you hear several gnomes going at it. It was an innocent enough orgy, but now you're hearing a pneumatic press start up."
Dorn: "I cast Silence centered on myself and yes I'm purposely failing the saving throw."

Max: "Could BB lift my sword?"
BB: "Let's see, my carrying capacity is... 20 feet. No, that's my speed."
Kard: "Well at least we know you could walk from one end of the sword to the other in one round."

BB: "You could always see how long the group would survive in the World of Darkness."
GM: "I'll give them ten minutes. Tops."

[AceOfFools]

Simeon "HA!! That's what you get for zapping me!"
Daniel "What? I thought that was why to told President Obama I was untrustworthy."
Simeon "No, that was just a good tactical decision at the time."

Rusty "The pentagon says we don't have enough of a national security emergency to authorize giving us a nuke."
Simeon "I guess that means we'll have to steal one."
Director Kent "We'll call that plan B. Any other options for Plan A?"

Unnamed NPC Cop "Are you the guys that used $4k worth of taxpayers dollars to print porn at Kinkos?"

Daniel "Is it pink? Does it have rhinestones?"
Simeon "Naturally."
Daniel "I am not the one who doesn't understand fashion here."

Simeon "Okay, Daniel, calm down. Take some breaths."
Director Kent "Tell me what happened."
Simeon "We were attacked by a witch I knew as Sarah Binder - but who who the rest of the world knew as Jack the Ripper.
Daniel "Oh. Now I'm A LOT CALMER!"

Lowe "Yes [the demon] is in here. Nahrharaon, apparently we spell it without the apostrophe now..."

Daniel "One of you guys comes in with me, the other stays here. I'd suggest Tersia on site, she'll fit in better."
Rusty "Tersia also shoots people to say hello."
...
Tersia "I see him. Shall I say hello?"
Daniel "Don't you dare shoot him, Tersia."

Daniel "No collateral damage as a result of the shooting."
Lois "And the headless body?"
Daniel "Did that to himself. Also, technically, got away."
Lois "Okay, you lost me."

Lowe "Other than that, the body is in perfect health. And it's been perfectly healthy, and thoroughly dead, since... at least a couple weeks now."
Daniel "Well, that's fun."

Simeon "You really need better taste in friends."
Amando "Clients. Thy're clients."
Simeon "I'm just saying. If you hadn't thrown the EMP bom through our window-"
Amando "I don't throw the bombs, I just make them!"

Director Kent "No he can't head up the Alaska department. We don't even have an Alaska department."

Rusty "How are you feeling?"
Daniel "Like I got stabbed in the throat yesterday."

Arthur "Boy, I know you're a monster hunter, but are you sure a calm, well-reasoned argument wouldn't have brought it around?"
Boy "It was eating people!"
Arthur "Violence is only an answer of last resort."
Boy "It was eating people."

The Queen Without Eyes "What sort of gown do you favor?"
Tersia "There are different sorts of gowns?"

Daniel "Rusty, your car handles terribly."
Rusty "Uh-huh. Just remember, this is a minivan, not a bureau car you can ram into things."
Rusty's son (excited) "Are you going to crash the car?"
Daniel "No, small children, I am not going to crash this car."

Simeon "I would like to remind you that revenge is a dish best served cold!"
Dame Huld "I have tasted revenge. I believe it is best served slowly. And in many courses."

Simeon "See? That's how you deal with werewolves."
Unnamed Cop NPC "That's not what is says in the DCPD manual about dealing with werewolves."
Simeon "Then we may have to update that."

Daniel "I tased her."
Cyril60 "Nice."
Cyril60 "I, uh, take it didn't go very well."
Daniel "We can't all punch out faerie queens."

Rusty "I would really rather avoid havoc."
Simeon "Do you think that's realistic?"

Simeon "Daniel, how do you say 'guest' in Greek?"
Giant Faerie Spider "Why are you asking me?"
Simeon "...is your name Daniel?"
Giant Faerie Spider "It could be."
Simeon "Wait, you're speaking English! Do you know how to say 'friend' in Greek?"
Giant Faerie Spider "Friend in Greek."

Duchess Arachne "Food can always be found. Nikolas, your legs grow back, don't they?"
Nikolas "No, mother."

Simeon "Do you know what might make your mother a little more bearable for you?"
Nickolas "Whisky. She falls asleep after."
Simeon "No, I have a better idea. Do you know what stand-up comedy is?"
Nikolas (suspicious) "Is that some kind of porn?"
Simeon "Why does everyone always ask about the porn?"

[the OOD]

Both possibly. And DigoOOD, so you actually mean minuets or did you mean minutes? As a musician I was extremely confused.
fixed, thanks for the catch.

__________________________________________________

Leochou: y'know how Jesus keeps on shooting me by accident?
Petra: ...Yes?
Leochou: well I was thinking we could train him as our Demo Tech, 'cus you can't miss with explosives.
Petra: um...
Leochou: what could possibly go wrong?
*beat*
GM: you're doomed.

[goto124]

Digo, what are the rules on STDs in your game?

[ZeroGear]

Message: “…Oh, by the way, Angle’s going to join you for this.”
JavkRabbit: “Oh this sounds bad.”
Mellor: “When did this ever sound good?”

DM: “Do you have anything that can get you past the mob of goons standing between you and Orpheus?”
JackRabbit: “I have grenades.”
Mellor: “Is your answer to everything high explosives?”
JackRabbit: “…Yes?”

JackRabbit: “Why does he always always do that?”

Orpheus: “Hello. I have assumed control of all of your systems. This includes your coffee machines.”
Random Goon: “AHHH! The coffee! It burns!”

DM: “Well [JackRabbit] stuck in a hard place. And coffee-related murder just happened…”

Mellor: “Sending us a selfie of him under a desk does not tell us where he is. Is he [dumb]?”

Sasquatch Scientist: “That is a miniature Gauss Cannon.”
JackRabbit: “I want it!”

DM: “I would like to point out that you are pretty much using a ship’s main cannon to kill one person.”
Mellor: “That is still under-kill for all the trouble he’s caused.”

DM: “It was a small human heart in a jar.”
Mellor: “Meh, humans.”
DM: “It could have been an elf heart.”
Mellor: “THOSE MONSTERS!”

----------------
BTW, the mentioned Gauss Cannon was used to blowup half of the AzTech building we were in. It was GLORIOUS!

[Achernar]

I want hammers. :smallbiggrin:

*hands you a hammer*

That was a lovely game, Ben. I hope one day to knock the heels of my alchemist's boots thrice together and travel back to that mysterious forest...


Quotes from the Racist Pamphlets, please.


The racist pamphlets were written in Aklo, titled "On the Superiority of the Aquatic Races Over Their Surface-Dwelling Kin," and were in an abandoned farmhouse. Technically listed as "Racist Dreck" in the inventory.

I still can't tell what the zombified Gillman and Gillwoman orchardists were doing with so many hammers...

[the OOD]

DM: “Do you have anything that can get you past the mob of goons standing between you and Orpheus?”
JackRabbit: “I have grenades.”
Mellor: “Is your answer to everything high explosives?”
JackRabbit: “…Yes?”


heh.
I had a Reality Bites campaign get renamed to Reality Bites: Explosives are Magic for obvious reasons. Long live R.O.V.E.R. and John!

High Explosives: is there anything they can't solve?

[Rater202]

GM: My schemes have been schemed, my webs of deception spun. Great villains await! One sec though, Sabina and Gear need to discuss babies.

[Dasgovernator]

DM: "There are 24 burning skeletons, sitting attentively in the pews of this daemonic chapel."
Victor: "This is so metal, its vulnerable to electricity"

Val: "Hi, do you have a few minutes to talk to me about our lord and savior, the Devil?

DM: "Roll reflex save to avoid damage from the earthquake"
Kamien rolls a nat 20*
Kamien: "5 more minutes mom, I'm still tired"

Val: "Who ya gonna call. . . "
Victor: "Dragon . . . Dragonbusters doesn't work, We ARE the Dragonbusters"

Val: "I whip out the wand and start smacking you guys with it"
Nerusk: "Ow"
Val: "Shut up, this is making you wiser"

DM: He starts cutting himself, dripping blood all over the altar
Imp: "Uh . . .Say when?"
Val: You have fast healing, you big baby, stop complaining.

[Erik Vale]

Shapeshifted Druid: The itsy bitsy spider climbed up the water spout

*Rogue finally finishes handing over weapons*
Dwarven Barmaid: You do good, or I squeeze you.
Me: Don't, it'll have been the most affection he's had in years.

DM: [Dwarven Barmaid] is eyeing you from across the room.
Cleric: I pull my priest collar up.
Me: Wouldn't it be covered by your beard?

Tiefling Paladin: Does anyone know presdigitation? Anyone?
Elf Guards: Do we look like high elves?
Paladin: I will take everyone of you on in a wrestling match!
Cleric: I hear she's a real demon in the sack.
Paladin: I will end you!

Fighter: Is she into werewolves?
Me: Just as long as you don't turn mid act, being attached for an hour might get annoying, even if she couldn't complain about your endurance.
Paladin [OOC]: I draw the line at beastiality jokes.
Rogue [OOC]: I'm sure he didn't mean to get all hair raising.

*Talking about mutliclassing*
Me: How does a Rogue Cleric not work? I mean, aren't they just normally called Heritics?

Fighter: I'm also an elf.
DM: A very furry elf.
*Table bursts into laughter*

Peanut Gallery: Condum Truck spills load.
*Laughter*
DM: I was trying to run a game.
*Later*
DM: My favourite headline is 'Studies find Teen Pregnancies drop off after 25'.
Me: ... This is why I think we should nuke America.

Me: That'd be wrong, using your armor to win drinking contests.

[DigoDragon]

Digo, what are the rules on STDs in your game?

Hmmm, I don't think I ever had one set of rules as I've had a few different groups in my time and they wanted different levels of realism. Most of the campaigns I ran didn't bother modeling such diseases as the PCs rarely sought companionship. If they did, they tended to be fairly faithful to one NPC (so unless that NPC was diseased or sleeping around and caught something, STDs didn't really come up). Now, if some of the players were particularly promiscuous then I'd consider introducing a system (though I'd talk with my players early on so they know what they're getting into). Only twice that I can remember in non-magical Modern campaigns the group was wanting it realistic, with checks and percentage rolls. That was some interesting research.

But I'm a pretty laid back GM and tend to let my players have a say in what rules we're going to be using.



GM: My schemes have been schemed, my webs of deception spun. Great villains await! One sec though, Sabina and Gear need to discuss babies.

Very important! :D

[goto124]

Thanks Digo!

And I'm jealous of Erik's Peanut Gallery.

[gom jabbarwocky]

This weekend had some pretty crazy gaming, so I've got a bunch of quotes to unload.

GM: You've just watched a cyborg attempt to rip his own skin off and then throw up on himself. How do you react to this?

Victor: Hey, Faye, go astrally project yourself so we can get the documents we need.
Faye: I can't do that!
Victor: Oh.
Faye: Why would you think I could do that?
Victor: Well, because you have psychic powers.
GM: What, so all psychics are the same to you? That's racist!

GM: Anyone have anything else they want to do against the lava men?
Rusty: Well, I can't punch them. I would only hurt myself.

GM: You slam the lava man and he goes crashing into a porno theatre. All the pervert clientele flee in terror from a horrible burning death.
Rusty: Why is there a porno theatre here?
GM: This is Times Square pre-Disneyfication. It was pretty crappy. Ever seen Midnight Cowboy?
Sigmund: Ah, well, they may be creepy perverts, but they are still innocent bystanders. I'd better save them.
Victor: Wait, "creepy perverts" are "innocent" now?
Rusty: Hey, perverts are people, too!
GM: Yeah, this was pre-Internet, people had to get their porn somewhere. Anyway, can we set this discussion aside for now and actually focus on the superhero fight in progress?

GM: That guy offered to give you six grand to kill himself.
Lucas: That guy was crazy! I wasn't going to kill him! Plus, I already got his 3 thousand, I didn't need the rest.
GM: I bet if he paid you six thousand dollars to kill someone else, you would have done it.
Lucas: Well, probably. We have no way of knowing.

[Sith_Happens]

Kard: "That's it, I fly to the roof of the first building, pull down my pants, and take a dump in the chimney."
GM: "Okay, as you burn your butt plugging the hot chimney, some drunks outside start shouting at the store owner about your actions."
Kard: "Wait, why?"
GM: "You're squatting with your pants down over his shop! The shop owner starts stuffing gunpowder into the chimney to get rid of you."
Kard: "Oh this is going to suck."
Max: "No, my good man, I think this is going to blow."

http://new4.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/Guess+they+just+don+t+want+to+_252a416442932a4a020 b810459fd5c3c.jpg


DM: He starts cutting himself, dripping blood all over the altar
Imp: "Uh . . .Say when?"
Val: You have fast healing, you big baby, stop complaining.

Abusing Imps: Is there any problem it can't solve?:smallwink:

[goto124]

GM: "You're squatting with your pants down over his shop! The shop owner starts stuffing gunpowder into the chimney to get rid of you."

Sorry for asking for context, but how much damage did he take?

[DigoDragon]

Sorry for asking for context, but how much damage did he take?

I don't remember the numbers, but I recall it was a decent wound (something like 4 dice worth?). The shop owner got it worse because the gunpowder was closer to him and the chimney effectively became a bazooka in terms of the blast directions.

[Benthesquid]

Ollie: An-Lan-Zu can’t An-Lan-Do it?
Mirandir: Less slogan, more message.
GM: Tippecanoe and An-Lan-Zu?
Ollie: Strike two?
GM: That would be useful if baseball were a game in this world.
…
Ollie: Try harder?
Mirandir: Not really trying to encourage them to up their assassination game.
GM: You’re [I]not?[/not]
…
Shazari: Sucks to be Zu?
…
Shazari: Roses are red, violets are blue, you failed, and Mirandir was there too?
Ollie: I know Mirandir won’t approve, so I’ll write that secretly.
…
Shazari: Anyway, it’s a stupid looking scarf, and I hope he loses it in the water, because it’s stupid looking.
…
Jaquanard- We can engage them.
Ollie: I don’t really want to try gathering information while being followed by conspicuous red-scarfed men.
Jaquanard: We can engage them, and then, in a year we can marry them, and they won’t have to follow us around anymore, because they’ll trust us.
Ollie: And then we can kill them in their sleep!
***
Ollie: Which of them has a whistle. Oh, wait, they don’t have a whistle they can just *lifts hand to mouth* I forgot people can do that.
***
Jaquanard: He says to the not present Mirandoor.
Ollie: Mirandoor?
GM: The door he’s drawn Mirandir’s face on, because he misses him.

[Dasgovernator]

Peaks: "Shall I tell you the tale of the Pirate Morally Greybeard?"

Kit: "Are they just hanging out in my hair?"
Radiv: "That's okay, we can interrogate them later"

Striker: "F*** books man. They never lead to anything good"

Radiv: "I had a moral once. I put it down out of pity"

DM: "He's talking about the battle, and how afterwards he . . ."
Radiv: "Oh please don't let him talk about the Bacon. We're wanted in enough towns already."

Striker: "No no, don't worry ma'lady, I was only in your room while you were asleep"
Kit: "THAT'S NOT BETTER!"

[DigoDragon]

GM: “All the good riots start with an atrocity, am I right?”
Doc Wagon: “Or a major sporting event.”

Stellar Blaze: “How does everyone else feel about first person narrative for Stellar?”
Chiseled Jaw: “To be honest I've always preferred third.”
Stellar: “Third it is then!”
Doc: “Better than fourth person at least.”
Stellar: “I heard it was second person you have to watch out for!”
Joyous Noise: “You don't know what you're talking about.”

Supply Route: “You know it's considered polite to say something instead of pretending to be another corpse!”

Supply: “You got one of the better mutations arguably. We call those who have it ghouls. You're effectively immune to radiation, and as far as ponies can tell, ghouls don't age either. So um, congrats?”

Supply: “Considering that the only pony in our group with a half-decent perception score is our doctor.”
Doc: “Because the ‘Surgery via Braille’ method never caught on.”

GM: “Savvy players may now wish to bet on which faction is most likely to kill them.”
Doc: “My bet is always on the random die generator.”

Noise: “Any objections?”
Doc: “Aren't there usually in the wasteland?”

GM: “This is primarily a game based on problem solving in a relatively civil part of the wasteland. Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to shoot it until it stops twitching, though.”

Chiseled: “Tell me, what is a doctor? I have heard this term used but am not sure I understand. Are you a warrior of some sort?”
Doc: “Well, if by warrior, you mean I hoof-wrestle Death over who gets the next pony, sure, you can call it that.”

Jinx: “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 'gunfight'...”

Stellar: “That sounds ominous. I think the mob may be the right side to choose, if any. What is the mob yelling?”
Doc: “’Oh god, oh god, we're all going to die’?”

Chiseled: “They do not seem to know we are here, but they are pointed towards the ruin.”
Addawasa: “Oh, which ruin? Because, as it is, every building here classifies as a ruin.”

Doc: “While I'd like to think that a doctor wouldn't be considered threatening, I tend to make better conversation with unconscious patients than the awake ones.”
[Beat]
Doc: “Then again, a lot of the live ones are usually screaming something like 'Oh gawd it hurts! It hurts!' so I can't really assume it’s entirely me.”

Addawasa: “I wouldn't think Humble will accept us inside. They might assume that you're part of whatever is going on outside. …I also sold them a minigun turret that they managed to set up before I left.”
Chiseled: “Well a small gun shouldn't prove much of a problem, I have dealt with regular sized guns in the past.”
Doc: “A minigun isn't... no, you're right. It's not a problem. Let's go say hi.”

Jinx: “...so we have a wizarding school that sells drugs which turns people into Trixies, and a city full of half a dozen species all more or less xenophobic towards each other.”
Supply: “It occurs to me that being an assassin might be very profitable.”
Jinx: “This is going to be hilarious and deadly.”
GM: “The former is the goal, the latter's just an added bonus!

[JeenLeen]

oWoD Mage

GM: Okay. It's New Year's, around midnight. Where are you all?
PC Mage: I guess at the chantry. Is there a party there or something?
GM: Yeah, probably. Are all of you there?
Other players: Sure.
GM: Okay, folk are there, drinking and hanging out. The countdown starts and- 10, 9, 8, 7, 6-
Player interrupts: the ball explodes!
GM: Yep.
Players and GM laugh.
Player: Okay, seriously, what happens?
GM: It exploded. It looks like it was full of acid and damaged a lot of the crowd.

---

My mage: "Guys, I know I've had my mind rewritten so many times, that I don't really know if what I'm thinking right now is true at all or not, so I'm going to leave this to your discretion. But I really think my wife might be evil. It's kind of suspicious that, while we were out and she was defending the base, the base exploded, at about the same time all of our allies in town she knew of were killed. And it really doesn't make sense that she wasn't in the base when it exploded, especially if our other chantrymates were."

Other player: "Well, maybe, but... she's a good healer."

much later in the game

(after final fight) Me: "Yes, I'm alive! My character actually survived the fight!"
GM rolls: "Um, actually, you die. Your wife just killed you with a Life 3 attack. Yeah, she's Nephandi."
Me: "I told you she was evil!"

Later: "We should've brought the Marauder, not the Nephandi, to help us."

[Dunsparce]

DM: "Cigarette smoking, the safer alternative to Devil worship"

[Lakaz]

DM: "So what, this is a game of where's wally now? Just with racism instead of some guy in a scarf?"

PC1: "I spent 20 ***** years meditating in top of that ***** mountain in order to attain inner **** peace, and then these **** ******* come in and try to offer me a ***** bribe to let them live? I don't have need for material ***** posessions. I am a monk. Prepare to ***** die."

PC1: "So here's my theory on the murders. All goblins are prostitutes and somebody ressurected Jack the Ripper"

PC1: "Okay, so is the ground intact?"
DM: "What?"
Pc1: "I mean, if the floor had a health bar, would it be full?"
DM: "Sure, i guess?"
PC1: "I attack the floor. I use Open The Gates Of Battle, i assume it can't dodge as it's immobile, that's 3d10+Dex damage"
DM: "Uh..."
PC2: "I'm pretty sure i have stats for a planet somewhere *Roots around in book* Ah, here we go. 2200HP, and an armor class of 42"
PC1: "42AC? Forget that then, i don't have a chance of even scratching it. Nevermind, i'll save my energy"

PC1: "So if the book had a health bar, would it be full?"
DM: "...Sure."
PC1: "I attack the book"
DM: "You kill the book. It's worth no exp to you"

DM: "The prisoner is wrapped up in bandages, due to severe facial burns. She's slumped in the corner, unresponsive, in heavy robes"
PC3: "I walk up to her and kneel, looking at her with a friendly smile as i say 'I'm so sorry about the guards, can i do anything to help you?"
DM: "Roll diplomacy"
PC3: "22, given the modifiers"
DM: *Rolling something behind the screen* "No reply, she doesn't even look up at you"
PC3: "I up my friendliness, saying 'can i offer you anything? Food? Water? I swear, i'm just here to help'"
DM: "No reply"
PC3: "I take out a leg of bread i had with me from the tavern, laying is beside her, saying 'I'll just leave this there for you to eat.... c'mon, you're among friends here, you can speak to me'"
DM: "Still nothing. She's silent as the grave"
PC3, getting annoyed: "I tap her on the shoulder, to see if she's awake"
DM: "She slumps over, letting the bandages fall from her face. It's a man- this isn't the prisoner at all."
PC1: "Wait, what? I burned the gender right off her!"

DM: "Y'know what? I've noticed there's been no female NPC's in this campaign yet and i'm feeling kinda sexist. So that guard's a girl now."

PC1: "Don't hate on the secret plan now. It's an awesome secret plan. The secret plan is the whole reason we have Irish people"

PC1: "Oh... i'm a few gold short. I ask for the five gold back PC2 owes me"
PC2: "What? I saved your life back there, i don't owe you a thing!"
PC3: You should lower your bid- he's not worth that much."
PC1: "Do you know how much five gold is worth? You could buy 500 candles with that money. You can do a lot with 500 candles."

[Milodiah]

P1: "Hey, can I get a packet or two of chewing gum in my starting inventory?"
GM: "Why? I just gave you two packets of cigarettes."
P1: "I know, I chew gum when I'm not allowed to smoke."
P2: "That stuff will kill you, ya know."
P1: "Oh, thanks man, I'll just keep smoking then!"

[Sith_Happens]

[Snip]

...Were you playing MLP/Fallout?:smalleek:


GM: “This is primarily a game based on problem solving in a relatively civil part of the wasteland. Sometimes the easiest way to solve a problem is to shoot it until it stops twitching, though.”

http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/003/e/1/he_s_right_you_know_by_nightdemon12-d70r777.jpg


DM: "Y'know what? I've noticed there's been no female NPC's in this campaign yet and i'm feeling kinda sexist. So that guard's a girl now."

http://imageserver.moviepilot.com/top-7-weird-but-memorable-quotes-moments-from-rocket-power-41b0c00e-273d-478c-b237-5733b524f80a.jpeg?width=265&height=190

[Tridax]

No context huh?

'IF YOU DELIBERATELY SABOTAGE MY PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION I WILL F*CK YOU LIKE A PIG!'

He literally yelled at the top of his lungs.

[DigoDragon]

...Were you playing MLP/Fallout?:smalleek:

Yup! It's a Fallout Equestria campaign and it's currently active on these boards. :D

[AdmiralCheez]

DM: "The wraith critically misses you on both attacks, so it just kind of flails it's arms around."
Fighter: "No no. You're a 'wraith,' not a 'rave.'"


{Bard has signed into Skype}
DM: "Oh good. Your character un-cardboard-cutouts just in time to face the wraith. It reaches out at you and - "
{Bard has signed out of Skype}


DM: "The rest of you see your elven pirate friend go through the door, sword drawn. Then you see a giant club swing by, and your elven pirate friend has vanished."
Warlock: "Oh crap, he's dead."
Fighter: {Distant curses in elven}
Bard: "No, he's fine. Certain party member's mothers, on the other hand, are... well, I probably shouldn't repeat that."


Bard: "I cast Blindness/Deafness on the suit of armor."
DM: "It has no eyes or ears."
Bard: "So... it works?"
DM: "It's still attacking, if that's what you mean."

[ddude987]

DM: blah blah blah...
Player: Wait... do birds like brownies?

[kopout]

-"Get down here and fight me like a necromantic horror!"

-"its the ships that have class levels"

-"Ha ha! fall right out of the sky"

[AceOfFools]

Simeon "A.k.a. I have soul. A.k.a. In your face!"

Simeon "My white knight stalker-thing killed it. Didn't you see?"

Simeon "Does the pope poop in the woods?"
Will "...Maybe? I haven't been following the new pope."

Simeon "Didn't my team kill you?"
Friendly Ghost Eater "We fixed him."
Simeon "You can do that?"


Simeon "I guess he finally got the leave the reservation! Good for him!"
Rusty "...He was arrested."


Ul "I am Madam Ul, lawfully elected President of the Redcaps.
Simeon "Oh, yes, I remember you. You stole a TV!"
Ul "..."
Ul "It’s my TV! It was always my TV!"

Ul "It wasn't us! It was terrorists!"

Simeon "I know what will make him talk. Put on the CD that no one likes."
Daniel "You mean the theremin quintet?" (gets cd)
Daniel ... "Are we horrible people?"
Rusty "Are we all people?"

Plick "Deliver the pizza to the, uh, you know, the BNA headquarters?"
Plick "I don't know. They arrested me."
Simeon "Interesting choice of lawyers."
Plick "I figured I'm pretty much ****ed."
Simeon "Get a large cheese for us."


Simeon "I'll help you, but on one condition."
Daniel "Which is?"
Simeon "Say, sincerely, that friendship is magic."

Simeon "You humans and your need to breath."

Daniel "Can you help me look for relevant stuff?"
Simeon "I can't read Greek."
Daniel "Look at the pictures."

Rusty "Let's get on with the investigation. Is Tersia here yet?"
Daniel "She's in a tree."

Simeon "Well then, it's nice talking to you. Have fun at your murder trial."
Sly "Have fun fighting werewolves, I guess."

Daniel "Simeon, I know Castillo is a ****, but he's right in this case."
Castillo "I am right here..."
...
Daniel "Oh Christ, you're enabling his delusions too, now?"
Castillo "I am still right here."
...
Reporter "Simeon, are you saying that ghosts don't exist?"
Simeon "No, I'm saying that Castillo is an idiot."
Castillo "I AM STILL RIGHT-- You know what? Screw it. Take the damn case."

Simeon (melodramatically spooky voice) "I see all -- I knoooow allll!"
Riley "Whoa. What did I do last summer?"
Daniel "Who are you again?"

Simeon "Let’s go see how our friends at the We Are Idiots and Fearful of Magic conference are feeling."

Daniel "Okay, first. There's no way Shelby Ivan isn't an alias. Second, Shelby and Ivan are both extremly common names."
Simeon "I found an Ivan Shelby on Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/abyss.swtor?fref=browse_search). Apparently he's a male model. Some of these pictures are kinda hot, wanna see?"

Rusty "We'll be right--- actually I think we're about to be in a gunfight."

Director Kent "Tersia, I just heard that you were shot. you should get medical attention immediately."
Tersia "I got hit by a car since then, too."

[goto124]

DM: blah blah blah...
Player: Wait... do birds like brownies?

Would've been funny if it applied ICly too.