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View Full Version : Gamer Humor Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition II: We all want to be the Majestic 12



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Ryu_Bonkosi
2014-05-20, 08:40 AM
Previous Thread: Here (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?280469-Campaign-Quotes-NO-CONTEXT-EDITION!)

Me: I will burn you to a cinder and smash your corpse with a sledge hammer! *rolls a 20*
DM: Is it scarier that him intimidating the dice works?
P2: Or the fact that he has done it, and actually lined the other dice up to watch so they know he isn't kidding?
P3: and he is the only Good aligned member of the party? What does that say about the rest of us?
P2: That our morality scale places Joseph Stalin in high regards.

ghendrickson
2014-05-20, 08:42 AM
No, your wookie cannot have a human hand puppet. Even if you embalm him

lytokk
2014-05-20, 09:32 AM
P3:*while puppeteering the severed head of an ankheg* "I'm sorry, does this bug you?"
P4: Can I magic missile his face?

P1: So this thoqua is a big worm thing thats on fire?
P2: Yes
P1: and it's attack is basically curling up and lunging itself at its opponents head first
P2: Yes.
P1: So, in essence, I have a flaming rape monster?
Everyone, except DM: *stares in silence, followed by laughter*
DM: *thud*
P2: I think we broke the DM

DM: so you see a raging, charging ogre, coming straight at you, and your first thought is to summon an octopus to offer it a cookie?
P1: Yes, wait, do we have any "special" brownies left?

Silus
2014-05-20, 09:38 AM
ST: "So the Promethian starts advancing slowly towards your cowering Grand-Niece."
Me: "Evangeline moves to put herself between the Promethian and her Grand-Niece and says with as much authority as she can muster 'Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave the store'."

Ninjaxenomorph
2014-05-20, 09:40 AM
"See? I'm ****ing you by proxy."

DigoDragon
2014-05-21, 07:52 AM
You can't see it, but I'm blushing with awe at the thread title.


Danny: "I bought a box of grenades. In my spare time I'm painting them to look like pokeballs."
Blackwolf: "What's scarier, that he can actually paint them that way or that he found a shop that sells grenades by the egg carton?"
Daphne: "Do I have to decide right now?"

Danny: "How is Or'Zet spelled?"
Super Joe: "There's a 'T' at the end."
Blackwolf: "I think there's an apostrophe in there."
Hugo: "The Ork language? It's all illiterate grunts anyway, don't worry about spelling."

Danny: "Some of us, like Henry, can't survive a frontal confrontation of any kind."
Blackwolf: "He's like the kid in the puffs commercial."
Daphne: "He's the puffs in the puffs commercial."

Henry: "I found the COO in her office. Her name is Dana Rabbit."
Super Joe: "That sounds like a stripper's name."
Blackwolf: "Get out of my head."
Danny: "Is she the sister of Jessica Rabbit?"
Blackwolf: "All of you, get out of my head!"

DM: "You all notice that only the elf brain samples are bright pink."
Henry, Hugo, Danny & Blackwolf: "I knew it!"
Team: *Stops and looks at each other*
DM: "Holy cows, was that surround sound?"

Blackwolf: *Runs up the ramp out of the parking garage*
DM: "Six Tir soldiers notice you exiting the garage."
Blackwolf: *Runs back down the ramp*

Henry: "I want a certain number bar code, but it's not 23."
Super Joe: "42?"
Daphne: "69?"
Danny: "Hike Hike Hike!!"

Blackwolf: "What kind of food is this?"
Henry: "Homogeny canned food."
Daphne: *Reads labels* "Homogeny Acerbic Chicken Bits, Mordant Burger Mac, Sardonic Fish Stickers, and Fruitcake."
Danny: "I'll take the Fruitcake, that's not going to change."
Henry: "Sardonic Fish Stickers?"
Blackwolf: "That's not a flavor, that's an attitude."
Daphne: "Acerbic Chicken Bits. Ingredients: ground chicken, pulled bits, acerbic acid, yellow dye #4."
Henry: "What. Bits.?"

Gillian: "I have a trough out back if you need to freshen up."
Blackwolf: "Did you know you can clean yourself with a handful of feathers?"
Danny: "If you want to rub a [rooster] on your face, go right ahead."

DM: "Henry, you climb into the seat and now you are in control of the left arm."
Blackwolf: "Congrats, you're Pidge."

Codex
2014-05-21, 05:08 PM
"Ahhh, the Bat gambit. Delectable."

Prince Raven
2014-05-22, 02:27 AM
Klein: I fire at the monster [rolls low] and miss horribly.
Dehvi: Pathetic wetlander, watch how it's done [rolls worse]... Never mind...

Cay'tel: All hail Cay'tel, master of jumping on things and stabbing them!

GM: [to Dehvi] Your character is not Satan.
Cay'tel: Are we sure?

DigoDragon
2014-05-22, 09:01 AM
M-12 quotes~

DM: "Danny, you botch your driving check and slam the vehicle into the building. The vehicle is still going."
Ian: "How bad is this going to end?"
Music: *Benny Hill Yakkity Sax Theme*

DM: "Your stuff is all there- Cleaned, organized, and reset to factory settings. Like a fresh install of Windows."
Blackwolf: "Can we restore our personal settings?"
DM: "Yeah, manually. Your desktop images, folder themes, font settings to Windings."

Blackwolf: "What did you drop that on... or what did you drop on it... or really, what the hell?"

Danny: "Is this the correct Henry or the clone?"
Super Joe: *Looks at Henry* "Yeah, this one is still a virgin."
Blackwolf: "How do you know this?"
Henry: "I'm curious to know that myself."

Henry: "What's a Code 59 in Tir military speak?"
DM: "Area bomb request."
Blackwolf: "Likely with napalm."
Danny: "Now might be a bad time to mention we're extremely flammable."
Snowfire: "See ya, suckers!" *Runs away*

Henry: "You're not one of those Twilight vampires, right?"
Vampire: "No, I do not glitter in the daylight."
Snowfire: *Shows up with a flamethrower* "Let's test that theory."

DM: "So you all de-evolve yourselves from... err, de-involve yourselves..."
Hugo: "Press B to stop evolution."

Ian: "I draw my pistol, put it to my head-"
Hugo: "And summon your persona."
Ian: "Sure, I summon my perso- NO."

Ian: "Ah, I did finish off the mints."
Hugo: "Oh that memory thing."
Ian: "Or lack of memory thing."
Henry: "We forgot about that."

Blackwolf: "This is no time to panic."
Hugo: "This is a perfect time to panic!"

Blackwolf: "They found Snowfire's stash?"
Hugo: "Somewhere there's a dragon flushing his stash down the toilet."
Snowfire: "Are we joking about joints or porn mags? Cause that's going to determine how stupid this conversation will get."

Henry: "Do we have anyone that can fly this helicopter?"
Sophia: *Ears perk as she accesses the network* "I can now."

Sophia: "I'll land a few blocks away."
Henry: "Is that necessary?"
Sophia: "Well if Ares is there, I don't want to fly over the building only to be taken out by an RPG."
Hugo: "Why would our mortal enemies try and hurt us?"

Hugo: "I'm amazed at the rigidity of that character sheet."

Blackwolf: "I use the Second Chance patch on Snell."
Snell: *Passes out*
Hugo: "What is that?"
Blackwolf: "It's like a strong tranq patch."
Hugo: "Dang, date rape got easy in 2070."

Hugo: "Can we see what's in the box?"
Blackwolf: "No, that's bad form. Besides, we don't know what's in it. It could be Hestaby's metahuman undies. Who'd want that?"
Hugo, Snowfire, & Danny: "Well..." :D

Hugo: "It's like we left the stove on. A very angry stove from a giant dragon that's gonna burn us."

Hugo: "The medic, what did we do to him?"
DM: "Put a large gaping hole in him."
Hugo: "Hmm, the medic is allergic to holes in him."

Ms. M: "Custody? Are you guys the Rangers now?"
Blackwolf: "No, I'm going to gloat."
Ms. M: "What, you're a goat?"

Blackwolf: "In Russia, food dines on you."
Ian: "Food can eat me all it wants, I'll chomp it back."
Hugo: "I don't think you all know how food works."

Hugo: "Rydia, I'm a lion."
Rydia: "You're lying?"
Hugo: "No, a lion. I have a picture."
Rydia: "That doesn't help me."
Blackwolf: "It's a picture of him with Dr. Chang."
Rydia: *Waves a hand in front of her blind eyes* "THAT. DOES. NOT. HELP. ME."

Ian: "Oh well, if it's a good hotdog it could take me all night."

Ian: "I go back to the hotel. Our hotel, not a random one."
Hugo: "Just pick any hotel, go pass out in their lobby. Works at cons."

Blackwolf: "Snowfire is 32 meters old."

Ian: "How much does ammo cost for the P93?"
Snowfire: "Three."
Ian: "Three what?"
Snowfire: "Fruit."
Ian: "What fruit?"
Snowfire: "Watermelon!"

Auren: "I can kill catering with a thought, I can kill you with a thought, I can kill me with a thought for I am powerful! So why with all this power can I not find a food tray that is dry?
Danny: "Food for thought?"
Auren: "Death by tray it shall be!"

Defiled Cross
2014-05-22, 09:04 AM
"I don't even know any Dragons. No, really. You can kill all those mother****ers. No skin off of my nose."

Hunter Noventa
2014-05-23, 07:33 AM
"Did you just Bardblock me?!"

Fayd
2014-05-24, 02:05 PM
Dragon: BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE.

GPuzzle
2014-05-24, 03:37 PM
More from my campaign!

Thomas: "It's not an RPG session until someone quotes Monty Python."
Liam: "And I think we have a perfect opportunity to quote Monty Python right here."
Everyone but Anna: "I'M A LUMBERJACK AND I'M OKAY, I WORK ALL NIGHT AND I SLEEP ALL DAY."
Anna: *revs up chainsaw*

Thomas: "I'm not sure if he should let Liam drink that much."
Robin: "He's British, he's always drunk."

Thomas: "So, with Anna far away from us, who's driving?"
Liam: "Me!"
Thomas: "No - you're a Brit and you're drunk for Brit standards, if we don't crash, it will be a miracle."

Anna: "I'm wondering how they've kept the knife-wielding psychopath, the computer genius and the lumberjack hostage for that long."
Jack: "I bet you fifteen bucks one of them is Magneto."

bulbaquil
2014-05-24, 10:26 PM
GM: "You killed something with a bard!"

GM: "The door tells you that it does not want to be opened."
P2: "Well, then, the door is going to need to make a Diplomacy check."

P1: "You take 18 points of... DM damage."
P3: "A fiat drops on your head."

Need_A_Life
2014-05-25, 07:20 AM
FBI boss: "So, considering all of the deaths and property damage, we think it appropriate that you go express your condolences to these people."
P1: "I requisition two M16s, bulletproof vests and night vision goggles."

P1: "We need to find out what's going on here."
P2 (to GM): "I eat a pear."
P1: "C'mon, these monsters could have anything planned; they've locked us in here and taken away our guns."
P2: "We're in a meeting room; there's fresh fruit and magazines while we wait for the good doctor to finish her meeting, so we can talk to her."
P1: "Well, what's to stop them from just killing us?"
GM: "Well, P2 asked if he could come and they just let him in and you just waltzed into the facility and had lunch, no questions asked."
P2: "Do I see any apples? <GM nods> I eat an apple."

P1: "They're treating me like I'm some sort of psychotic serial killer"
P2: "Well-"
P1: "Yeah, but they don't know that!"
P2: "Well, they do, actually."

AdmiralCheez
2014-05-25, 08:08 AM
"No, you're not in range to turn off the cake batter."

Prince Raven
2014-05-25, 08:58 AM
GM: "You killed something with a bard!"

GM: "The door tells you that it does not want to be opened."
P2: "Well, then, the door is going to need to make a Diplomacy check."

P1: "You take 18 points of... DM damage."
P3: "A fiat drops on your head."

I blame you for the water I spurted all over my screen and keyboard.

Necroticplague
2014-05-25, 01:05 PM
Kreig:let's try an intimidate attempt. Using never outnumbered so it applies to all of them.
*rolls*
DM:*even more rolls*
Wow, none of these guys stood a chance even without these poor rolls. They're all running for the hills. What did you say in this show of force anyway?
Kreig: "Behold my >:[ face, and despair!"

DigoDragon
2014-05-25, 06:23 PM
M12 Game Quotes~


Sophia: "My butt is sticking to the plastic couch covers."
Blackwolf: "Here, sit on my jacket."
Sophia: "My butt will stick to the leather."
Blackwolf: "Fine, just turn it over to the fabric."
Sophia: "But it smells."
Blackwolf: "WILL YOU JUST PUT ON SOME PANTS ALREADY?!"

Blackwolf: "Nobody laugh, but Mrs. Johnson will take good care of Dr. Nixon."
Snowfire: *Sarcastically* "Ha. Ha."
Blackwolf: *Glare*
Snowfire: "I got the memo late."
Blackwolf: "A week slow, but you get there eventually?"
Snowfire: "How's the weather down there, shorty?"
Blackwolf: "I don't know, you're blocking the sun."

Dr. Nixon: "So my offer is 500,000 nuyen for the nuclear material. Do we have a deal?"
Danny: "Sure."
Super Joe: "Hell yeah. With that much money I could buy Sophia to build me a bomb."
Blackwolf: "No! No nukes!"
Danny: "Sophia isn't for sale."
Sophia: "My skills are."
Danny: "But that's what he'd be buying, specifically-"
Blackwolf: "Don't go there."

Danny: "I have a stupid idea and I can't help that because I'm a clown."
Super Joe: "Honk honk."

Danny: "Sader Krupp- We have big plans for the future, and you're not in it."

Ian: "Danny, how solid is your truck?"
Danny: "Being an 18-wheeler, it's only semi-solid."
Ian: "I'm going to punch you through your radio, but before I do, why don't you just run the other truck off the road?"
Danny: "I was thinking about that, but I don't want them figuring out what's going on."
Ian: "Unless they're psychic or from the Bronx, they won't assume you're going to hit them!"

Blackwolf: "Let's catch them at the point of no return."
Super Joe: "I'm at the point of no return."
Zelda: "You are the point of no return."

DM: "In a full conversion cyborg, the brain is most likely still in the head."
Blackwolf: "It could fit anywhere in the body though."
Danny: "So like, in the butt?"
DM: "So if someone kicks your arse, you'll have a headache?"

Danny: "I ram the car in front of me with the semi."
Ian: "You're doing 7 mph. What is that going to do?"
18-Wheeler: *Hits the car in front*
Car: *Somehow manages to soak most of the damage*
18-Wheeler: *Fails to soak any damage and glitched the test*
Danny: "...Daimler engineering went to hell in 60 years."

DM: "Ian, the cyborg has Hugo in a choke hold and-"
Ian: *Fires his mass-driver, taking the cyborg's head off*
DM: "-is now a fancy scratching post for Hugo."

Danny: "Since Lowfyr's truck sucks, I'll take this Kenmore one. It should be okay."
Super Joe: "So long as you don't hit a Pinto, you should survive."

DM: "Super Joe power slides the Studebaker, leaning out the window like-"
Blackwolf: "Jason Bourne?"
DM: "Ace Ventura."

Blackwolf: "I give away the jeep and come back with a pickup truck."
Snowfire: "CAS conversion complete."

Danny: "Mine was better because it was bigger."
Blackwolf: "Yeah, and I bet it was a lot easier."
Hugo: "I like easy."
Zelda: "What the hell kind of conversation did I just walk in on?"

Hugo: "Baba Yaga is scary."
Blackwolf: "Every mythical creature in Russia is scary."
Hugo: "But not vodka. I like vodka."
Danny: "The purpose of vodka is to cloud your vision so you don't see the scary."

Danny: "Well who looks twice at a cat?"
Blackwolf, Hugo, & Snowfire: *Raises a hand*
Super Joe: "I stare at our catgirl."
Sophia: *Hiss* "Quit staring."
Danny: "If I scratch you behind the ears, will you take off your top?"
Sophia: *Gives the finger* "Honk on this, clown."

Troll: *Bursts into a ball of fire*
Hugo: "Where'd the troll get a flame thrower? They're illegal on all planets."
Danny: "I can ask him, but I think he's only going to respond with 'Ah! Ah! Put me out! Put me out!"

Danny: "I ask the tuba, are you sad that I'm tracking the cat or sad that you are not my objective?"
Team: *Stares in silence*
Gillian: "Boys, it's a tuba. It doesn't talk."

Fridge: *makes soft oink noises*
Hugo: *Opens fridge and finds a ham. Closes the fridge*
Fridge: *Makes soft Moo noises*
Hugo: *Opens fridge*
Giant Firey Balor Demon in Fridge: "ZUUL MOTHER**CKER, ZUUL!!"
Hugo: *Shuts the fridge and backs away slowly*
Danny: "What happened, did everything go weird on you?"
Hugo: I... ahhhh weeeell uhhh Call the Ghostbusters."

Danny: "I take the sea salt, I say a prayer, and I throw the salt in the fridge and shut the door."
Henry: "The fridge has been insalted."
Hugo: "Ugh, that was bitter."

Danny: "I'm a little dismayed that Hugo is attacking the cake, but I killed the bathroom chandallier so at least he is doing something productive."

Hugo: *pouts*
Danny: "Why are you pouting?"
Henry: "Is that a lower lip or a 10 mph bumper on your chin?"

Hugo: "By the way, there's bones above the other bones and no I don't explain this."

DM: "The cat bounds off Danny's head, over Sophia, under Hugo's legs, and disappears in the Tartan Room."
Henry: "The cat. Its gone to plaid!"

Danny: "This is great, we're channeling our inner child. Except for you Sophia, you got an inner kitten."
Sophia: "My inner kitten can beat up your inner child."

Hugo: "I'm a... lion."
DM: "Then stop lion."
Hugo: "I can't stop! Snowfire, help me!"
Snowfire: "Fine. I'll take away Hugo's credit card."
Hugo: "Then I'll follow you around and poke you with this spoon incessantly until you give back what you stole!"
Snowfire: Your spoon is ineffectual. Without your credit card you can't charge me with theft."
Hugo: "For being so tall my friend, you think such short term."
Snowfire: "Yeah, well for being so short, you... are short."
Hugo: "Well yes, I am short, but it lets me see the big picture!"
Blackwolf: "Don't make me turn this rifle around and shoot you both!"

DM: "Super Joe, flick the Thingamawizzer!"

Henry: "I think the cat went... catatonic."
Blackwolf: "Will someone just punch Henry already? Ugh!"
Hugo: "Why? I might hurt him."
Blackwolf: "Fine, then I'll punch Henry."
Snowfire: "Whoa, are we punching Henry? Can I get in on this?"

Somensjev
2014-05-26, 07:46 AM
Fridge: *makes soft oink noises*
Hugo: *Opens fridge and finds a ham. Closes the fridge*
Fridge: *Makes soft Moo noises*
Hugo: *Opens fridge*
Giant Firey Balor Demon in Fridge: "ZUUL MOTHER**CKER, ZUUL!!"
Hugo: *Shuts the fridge and backs away slowly*
Danny: "What happened, did everything go weird on you?"
Hugo: I... ahhhh weeeell uhhh Call the Ghostbusters."

why is this the quote that made me laugh the most? out of any post you've made on these threads this single one got the loudest and longest laugh, and i don't know why :smallconfused:
oh well, it was a good laugh :smallbiggrin:

golentan
2014-05-28, 02:31 AM
"Sure, I probably can't win this fight. You've got the edge on strength, speed, endurance and weaponry. You're probably right that I'm going to die here. But I'm not backing down, and you know why? Because even if you finally beat me down, even if there's nobody around to tell the story of this fight, you're going to have to live with the memory that even with every advantage an old pacifist cripple managed to hand you your own ass for longer than you thought possible. I may die, but I plan on laughing up the story around a pint in heaven, while you're trying to blot out the memory with a bottle long after I'm gone. It'll be glorious."

Sith_Happens
2014-05-28, 02:46 AM
Henry: "You're not one of those Twilight vampires, right?"
Vampire: "No, I do not glitter in the daylight."
Snowfire: *Shows up with a flamethrower* "Let's test that theory."

Blackwolf: "I give away the jeep and come back with a pickup truck."
Snowfire: "CAS conversion complete."

[Favorite character intensifies]


DM: "So you all de-evolve yourselves from... err, de-involve yourselves..."
Hugo: "Press B to stop evolution."

Ian: "I draw my pistol, put it to my head-"
Hugo: "And summon your persona."
Ian: "Sure, I summon my perso- NO."

DM: "The cat bounds off Danny's head, over Sophia, under Hugo's legs, and disappears in the Tartan Room."
Henry: "The cat. Its gone to plaid!"

Man, I wish my group was this good at references...


Hugo: "Rydia, I'm a lion."
Rydia: "You're lying?"
Hugo: "No, a lion. I have a picture."
Rydia: "That doesn't help me."
Blackwolf: "It's a picture of him with Dr. Chang."
Rydia: *Waves a hand in front of her blind eyes* "THAT. DOES. NOT. HELP. ME."

...though on the other hand, I find your lack of Avatar: The Last Airbender references disturbing. Literally every conversation including Rydia has included at least one opportunity to quote Toph, yet not one of these opportunities has been seized.


Blackwolf: "They found Snowfire's stash?"
Hugo: "Somewhere there's a dragon flushing his stash down the toilet."
Snowfire: "Are we joking about joints or porn mags? Cause that's going to determine how stupid this conversation will get."

Hugo: "Can we see what's in the box?"
Blackwolf: "No, that's bad form. Besides, we don't know what's in it. It could be Hestaby's metahuman undies. Who'd want that?"
Hugo, Snowfire, & Danny: "Well..." :D

On one hand I'm kind of curious as to what exactly what qualifies as "hot" to a dragon, on the other hand I really don't want to know.:smalleek:


Sophia: "My butt is sticking to the plastic couch covers."
Blackwolf: "Here, sit on my jacket."
Sophia: "My butt will stick to the leather."
Blackwolf: "Fine, just turn it over to the fabric."
Sophia: "But it smells."
Blackwolf: "WILL YOU JUST PUT ON SOME PANTS ALREADY?!"

Dr. Nixon: "So my offer is 500,000 nuyen for the nuclear material. Do we have a deal?"
Danny: "Sure."
Super Joe: "Hell yeah. With that much money I could buy Sophia to build me a bomb."
Blackwolf: "No! No nukes!"
Danny: "Sophia isn't for sale."
Sophia: "My skills are."
Danny: "But that's what he'd be buying, specifically-"
Blackwolf: "Don't go there."

I'm starting to understand the other runners' surprise at Blackwolf's having reproduced. Who asks a catgirl to put pants on?:smalltongue:

Speaking of which:


Danny: "Well who looks twice at a cat?"
Blackwolf, Hugo, & Snowfire: *Raises a hand*
Super Joe: "I stare at our catgirl."
Sophia: *Hiss* "Quit staring."
Danny: "If I scratch you behind the ears, will you take off your top?"
Sophia: *Gives the finger* "Honk on this, clown."

Danny: "This is great, we're channeling our inner child. Except for you Sophia, you got an inner kitten."
Sophia: "My inner kitten can beat up your inner child."

Being Sophia is suffering.:smalltongue:


Snowfire: "Yeah, well for being so short, you... are short."

http://images6.fanpop.com/image/answers/2979000/2979751_1346324433558.61res_259_194.jpg

Sartharina
2014-05-28, 03:44 AM
...dangit, I can't remember the exact words/lyrics he used, but the dwarf in our party just sang a song about the process of becoming an honorary clan member to the tune of the Spice Girl's "Wannabe". All I can remember is the "If you wannabe my brother, gotta join with my clan/Honor is forever/And holds to our last man!"

Except he had almost the full song mapped out to dwarvenliness. I have NO idea how long he'd been planning on springing that on us. It was impressive.

Lord Raziere
2014-05-28, 03:47 AM
...dangit, I can't remember the exact words/lyrics he used, but the dwarf in our party just sang a song about the process of becoming an honorary clan member to the tune of the Spice Girl's "Wannabe". All I can remember is the "If you wannabe my brother, gotta join with my clan/Honor is forever/And holds to our last man!"

Except he had almost the full song mapped out to dwarvenliness. I have NO idea how long he'd been planning on springing that on us. It was impressive.

.......

This is a masterpiece. That I must RECREATE!

DigoDragon
2014-05-28, 08:20 AM
Man, I wish my group was this good at references...

...though on the other hand, I find your lack of Avatar: The Last Airbender references disturbing. Literally every conversation including Rydia has included at least one opportunity to quote Toph, yet not one of these opportunities has been seized.

I think what gave us a bit of an edge in references was that the ages among the players varied a good deal, between 24 and 40. As we often recommended various films and shows to each other from sich different eras, we became pretty well versed in references. Probably the number one derailer of our sessions...

Except for Avatar TLA. Yeah, we totally dropped the ball with as many opportunities we could have taken advantage of for Toph quotes.
And I'm a big fan of Toph myself. Her and Iroh were my favorite characters.


MOAR Quotes~

Peanut Gallery: “There are these things called celery blinds- I mean, cellular blinds.”
DM: “Mmm… celery blinds.”
Blackwolf: “Water them and they’re great!”

Danny: “Can I ask you a crazy question?”
Blackwolf: “You're a clown. Everything you say is crazy.”

Blackwolf: “Hmmm… something strong that can claw peoples faces off and throw them around? Do we know anyone like that?”
Hugo: “Yeah, Snowfire.”
Danny: “I was going to guess Minnie Mouse.”

Blackwolf: “Hey Sophia, we found a mechanic shop down here.”
Sophia: “Oooh, shiny tools, but… I don’t want to swim in the cold water to get there, but… I like shiny tools, but… I hate cold water…”
Henry: “Are you Taz now?”
Sophia: “I got an idea! I’ll be right back.”
Henry: “Well she’s off to do something… everyone brace yourselves for an explosion.”

Danny: “I’m going to try a theory.”
Blackwolf: “Before or after I stick my head in this?”

DM: “That was about as free-form as standing in a Car Wash without your car.”

Hugo: “Henry’s hometown in Sarasota has the Sarasota City Area Transport.”
Danny: “Its full of it.”

DM: “Blackwolf, you’re on fire.”
Blackwolf: “Damn it.”
Gillian: “Just keep fighting, I’ll stop you… Err, I’ll stop the fire on you…”

Blackwolf: “Well we were going to check that for door.”
DM: “Uh… for door? Did you mean 'check the door' before the catastrophe hit?”
Blackwolf: “Why did we want a trophy of a cat’s butt?”

Hugo: “Remember, Super Joe is the TV and Saran Wrap guy.”

Hugo: “Aww, it was such a sweet cat.”
Gillian: “It was an angry polymorphed Balor.”

Danny: “I want some time in Presidia so I can punch Mark Twain.”

Ms. M: “It took Sophia, two street docs, and a dwarf engineer four hours to peel the skin and corneas off Drogan for the Drogan Drone.”
Hugo: “A drone. Wearing the skin of a dwarf?”
Danny: “I think it's still technically eligible for a Nobel prize.”

Auren: *Casts an Armor spell on an Emblem model executive helicopter*
Hugo: “Can I get one of those?”
Auren: “I was hired only for the helicopter’s enchanting.”
Hugo: “Can’t you do me after?”
Auren: “No. Not in any sense of that phrase.”

Danny: “Hugo’s going to learn Kung-Fu the Bruce Lee method. He’s going to stick his thumb up Lee’s butt and see how many times Lee kicks him in the head.”
Snowfire: “How does this teach anything? Not that I wouldn't pay good money to see it happen.”

Henry: “You want me to jump out of a moving what onto a moving huh?!”
Blackwolf: “Does this helicopter have a bathroom?”
Ms. M: “No, it does not.”
Blackwolf: “Do we need to stop for a pack of Depends for Henry?”
Snowfire: “Depends.”
Sophia: “Depends on what?”
Snowfire: “Depends on Henry. Unless you want to wear them. Ha ha ha!”
Ian: “You’re not railgun proof, dragon.”

DM: “There would be a penalty if you held onto that ladder.”
Hugo: “You don’t know that. He could have experience on the pole.”
Danny: “Yeah but this is to get rid of the dollars, not collect them!”

DM: “If the bomb went off, San Francisco would be very dirty.”
Hugo: “So no difference then?”

Danny: “You're an ork. Hating rich people and elves is part of your DNA.”

DM: “Stealth check, Joe.”
Super Joe: “Nine hits. How is that?”
Hugo: “Stealth?! He has that skill? When did Joe ever use that?”
Super Joe: “Just now.”
Hugo: “After all this time?! Who are you and what did you do with our Super Joe?!”

Sophia: “I can’t lose the police in this UPS truck. Someone do a Plan B.”
Super Joe: “Hugo, do the honors of opening the rear door.”
Hugo: *Opens the truck's back door*
Ian: *Fires his railgun into the police cruiser’s engine block*
Snowfire: *Fires his laser rifle into the cruiser’s driver*
Super Joe: *Fires a grenade under the police cruiser*
Police Cruiser: *Is no longer recognizable as a police cruiser from the fiery explosion*
Hugo: “I uh… I close the door.”
Danny: “What can Brown do for you?”

Blackwolf: “Snowfire, I need two bursts up the stairwell.”
Snowfire: *Starts up The Vindicator minigun*
DM: “Uh... does that weapon do anything less than full-auto?”
Snowfire: “Nope.”
Hugo: “You pull the trigger and it just throws the entire belt out.”

jqavins
2014-05-28, 11:45 AM
"OK, then let's go break the king's knee caps."

"I'm gonna go with massive overkill, 'cause I know that works."

Sith_Happens
2014-05-28, 08:58 PM
Henry: “You want me to jump out of a moving what onto a moving huh?!”
Blackwolf: “Does this helicopter have a bathroom?”
Ms. M: “No, it does not.”
Blackwolf: “Do we need to stop for a pack of Depends for Henry?”
Snowfire: “Depends.”
Sophia: “Depends on what?”
Snowfire: “Depends on Henry. Unless you want to wear them. Ha ha ha!”
Ian: “You’re not railgun proof, dragon.”

Best Line once again goes to Snowfire.:smallbiggrin:


Sophia: “I can’t lose the police in this UPS truck. Someone do a Plan B.”
Super Joe: “Hugo, do the honors of opening the rear door.”
Hugo: *Opens the truck's back door*
Ian: *Fires his railgun into the police cruiser’s engine block*
Snowfire: *Fires his laser rifle into the cruiser’s driver*
Super Joe: *Fires a grenade under the police cruiser*
Police Cruiser: *Is no longer recognizable as a police cruiser from the fiery explosion*
Hugo: “I uh… I close the door.”
Danny: “What can Brown do for you?”

Blackwolf: “Snowfire, I need two bursts up the stairwell.”
Snowfire: *Starts up The Vindicator minigun*
DM: “Uh... does that weapon do anything less than full-auto?”
Snowfire: “Nope.”
Hugo: “You pull the trigger and it just throws the entire belt out.”

I take it you run more of a mirror-shades game then?:smallwink:

Darkmonger27
2014-05-29, 12:22 AM
Wizard: *wakes up* What? Who's there?
Me: Nobody. *Rolls Bluff*
Wizard: Ok, ok. *goes back to sleep*

Orc: Who do you think we are? Savages?

DigoDragon
2014-05-29, 08:05 AM
I take it you run more of a mirror-shades game then?:smallwink:

Yeah. ;3


Well, this is the last of the quotes I have for this campaign. The final bits~


Danny: "Now there's an hour we're not getting back."

Blackwolf: "I have grenades, Danny has grenades, Super Joe has grenades-"
Danny: "Wouldn't you like to have grenades too?"
Ian: "No."
Snowfire: "Yes."
Henry: "NO!"

DM: "Hugo will be here in 40 minutes with the drama."
Blackwolf: "I hope he doesn't bring any."
DM: "Not bring the 40s? Why not?"
Party: *Stares at the DM*
DM: "I totally misheard something, didn't I?"

Blackwolf: "Between me and Super Joe, we'll grenade security into their next 3 lives."
Zelda: "If the Dirty Pair were guys, you two would be them."
Ian: "Oh s**t, there goes the planet."

Blackwolf: "He is worth his weight in C4."

Robot: *Attacks Hugo*
Danny: "Hugo, do the Bruce Lee method. Stick your thumb up its butt and see what you can learn from it!"

Danny: "Clown Makeup Go!"
Snowfire: "Is that your sailor soldier transform phrase?"
Zelda: "Danny, you look like a member of KISS."
Danny: "Just what we need, Gene Simmons with a flame thrower!"
Ian: "No, no we don't."

Danny: "Okay, I need someone who likes to shoot things. And Henry."
Blackwolf: "You just hired the entire team."

Danny: "Wait, so I'm standing at a window that displays images of a window that doesn't give me the view of a window?"
DM: "Correct, that is it exactly."
Danny: "What a ripoff."
Henry: "There's no view to the CEO's office?"
DM: "Heck no. If I put a window in the CEO's office, you all would find a way to shove the CEO through it."

DM: "Okay, so do we move into the garage or do we continue to talk about hot oil and plugs?"

Henry: "This limo doesn't have any weapons?"
DM: "No, why would it?"
Danny: "Maybe the CEO likes leaving the office shooting a gatling gun?"
Snowfire: "Sounds like the last time my company downsized."

DM: "The remaining attack chopper fires a missile at the limo."
Blackwolf: "Hang on to something!"
Danny: "Sophia, dodge like Hugo does!!"
Sophia: *Dives out of the driver's seat and runs, leaving the limo to get hit by the missile*

Danny: "If you ask the unconscious people about getting thrown out of the limo they won't say no. It's called implied consent!"

Hugo: "Do I have to roll to find the blue hose or can I see color?"

DM: "You cut the hose and the high-pressure air goes blasting into your face."
Hugo: "Oh gawd, the Nitrogen burns!! I'm being attacked by a flailing hose!"
Danny: "Shut up and dodge the rubber!"

Danny: "Okay, Henry, you need to cut the three black wires and then remove the two bolts securing the center core of the warehead from the frame."
Henry: "At what point did you become a Nuclear EOD operator?"
Danny: "I downloaded the manual from the internet. You can read the pictures, right?"

DM: "At the top floor you see two secretaries wearing low-cut business suits and bunny-ear headbands."
Hugo: "I see a pattern in the CEO's hobbies."
Blackwolf: "And why are they not panicking and running off like everyone else?"
Danny: "I'll go ask them why they're here."
Blackwolf: "Brilliant, they're going to see Gene Simmons walk up to them with a flame thrower asking for directions."

DM: "And suddenly, a D&D game broke out."

Blackwolf: "Those aren't secretaries!"
Henry: "They're a space station?"

Blackwolf: "Just let it go, Hugo."
Danny: "He's about to. All over his pants and the carpet."

Snowfire: *Hands Sophia his minigun* "It is dangerous to stay alone. Take this."
Sophia: "Take it? I can't even lift it!"
Danny: "You could probably ride it out to the parking lot if you hold the trigger down."

Danny: "I call Lofwyr's secretary."
Secretary: "Hello, Lofwyr's office, how may I help you?"
Danny: "Is the big D in?"
Secretary: "I'm sorry sir, he's out on lunch."
Henry: "What's he do for lunch, the whole cow at McDonalds?"

Prince Raven
2014-05-29, 10:39 AM
Not the end of the Majestic 12 quotes, oh the huge manatee!

A few quotes from my campaign:

*Klein and Cay'tel see someone spying on them from an alleyway and rush over*
Dehvi: I clime the nearest building. *climbs* Can I spot him?
DM: You didn't see him or ask those who did what he looks like
Dehvi: Oh... I'll clime back down now
NPC: There goes another capering crusader

Acmai: I say we all get some hot meat pies
*Group sits down to eat some pie*
NPC: Those are some nice pies, cooked them myself. Now the pastry and the meat's important but don’t get me started on the gravy. You see, a lot of people give up on the gravy, but you -cannot- -give up- on the gravy.

Klein: Five silver pennies on the tall one
NPC: I'll take that bet
*Dehvi throws a stick at Nicholas, Nicholas charges forward and knocks him out cold in a single swing*
Klein: Fine, here.
NPC: Thank you kindly.
Klein: A silver mark on the tall one again
NPC: Can't say no to taking your money
*After much furious batting of sticks, Nicholas knocks Cay'tel out cold with a critical hit*
NPC: Pleasure doing business with you
Klein: *hefting his "stick" (greatclub)* I'll challenge him then, what say you to 5 whole silver marks?
*NPC is too busy quaffing his winnings in ale form with his friends to notice*

Jormengand
2014-05-29, 12:11 PM
"Wait, the assassin needs to roll to flirt with you first!"

"You're fighting a paragon (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/epic/monsters/paragonCreature.htm) pony (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/pony.htm)."

DigoDragon
2014-05-29, 05:54 PM
Not the end of the Majestic 12 quotes, oh the huge manatee!

What I wouldn't do to have another group like that. :smallsmile:

I have quotes from a later Shadowrun game run by the PC who played Danny, but I also have quotes from a d20 X-Files campaign a completely new GM ran us on. My opinion is that the latter was funnier so maybe I'll do that. Have to substitute D&D for the religious references though so it doesn't violate board rules.



"You're fighting a paragon (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/epic/monsters/paragonCreature.htm) pony (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/pony.htm)."

I'm glad I'm not the only DM who did that!

DigoDragon
2014-05-30, 08:47 AM
X-Files campaign using d20 Modern.

Napoleon Solo: FBI tactical officer. Despite his knowledge of protocol and federal procedures, he thinks outside the box. Acts as team lead on the job.
Ronnie Cordova: Energetic field agent. Ronnie brings his Charismatic attitude and former LAPD training. Proficient in martial arts. Always wears sunglasses, even indoors.
Amaya Miyagi: An emancipated 16 year old girl. Consultant for the FBI as a medium in spirits and magical energies. Speaks with a deadpan voice.

Jimmy Stetson: OPRI department director. NPC, and our boss who assigns us cases to solve.

OPRI stands for Office of Paranormal Research and Investigation




Ronnie: "I spelled dodge 'D O J'. What's wrong with me?"

GM: "You are to meet on the second floor, third cubicle on the right."
Amaya: "Cubicle?"
GM: "I mean office. Third office."
Ronnie: "That's one low-rent federal office building."

Solo: *Parking his motorcycle, nearly hitting an adjacent car*
Ronnie: "Hello, don't scratch the Beamer."
Solo: "Do you know who owns the Beamer?"
Ronnie: "No idea. Let's go!"
Solo: "..."
GM: "Solo, do you follow Ronnie or do you give him a little lead?"
Solo: "I give him a LOT of lead."

Ronnie: "Are we allowed to bring guns on board this flight?"
Amaya: "Are you a federal Air Marshal?"
Ronnie: "I'm LAPD, we do what we want."
Amaya: "Not going to argue with you anymore."

Ronnie: "This is boring. I wander around the plane. I roll a 4, something happens!"
Solo: "You're defeated by a bag of peanuts. Anybody got a knife?"
Terrorist: "Yes, you can borrow mine."
Air Marshal: *Arrests the terrorist*
Solo: "Is this a Staples commercial? Was it that easy?"

Ronnie: "This hot dog had a spine. Gave me a tough time breaking it."
Solo: "That was a corndog you moron! It had a stick inside!"

Amaya: "Well, unless we can get a PK E-Meter we should go out there and check the place out in person."
Ronnie: "Sounds good."
Solo: "Do you need a PK E-Meter?"
Amaya: "...that was sarcasm."

Solo: *Buys a cup of coffee at the mall's Starbucks*
Coffee: *Suddenly jumps out of the cup onto Solo's face*
Ronnie: "Hello, lawsuit in progress!"
Vendor: "Oh I'm so sorry about that! Are you alright sir? Err, can I get you another one or something?"
Solo: "Yes, please."
Amaya: "Yeah, I think he's missed a spot on his face."

Marrisa Davenport: "I hope you can help because the cops have been totally useless."
Solo: "Yes, we need to discuss the pertinent details of this case."
Amaya: "Tell her about the coffee."
Marissa: "What about the coffee?"
Ronnie: "Racecar here wore the mocha."

GM: "You meet the mall's security chief."
Solo: "Okay, standard check- Hips, Shoulder, Chest."
GM: "You critically wound him."
Amaya: "I don't think he was using the VATS system. I think he meant observation."
GM: "Sorry, force of habit."

Solo: "Is there anyone whom you feel may threaten your life or wish to do you harm?"
Security Chief: "My wife."

Security Chief: "Did you find something?"
Amaya: "On the security tapes, yeah."
Ronnie: "Check it out, weird sh*t on Camera 3."
Amaya: "I guess we can check that store first."
Security Chief: "Mind if I come along?"
Amaya: "Knock yourself out."
Security Chief: *Punches self-- out cold*
Ronnie: "Finally, someone around here that's useful."

Ronnie: "What store is this anyway?"
GM: "The Gap."
Amaya: "Oh no."
Solo: "Ha! I'd love to hear Amaya ask the clerk if they've seen anything odd there."

GM: "As Amaya walks to meet up with Ronnie, the left shirt rack suddenly collapses in front of her."
Amaya: "Well... that's not unusual."

Amaya: "I'm calling Solo's cell phone."
Solo: "I let it go to voicemail."
Voicemail: "Hello, this is Napoleon Solo. If you're female, please leave your name, age, and measurements and I'll get back to you. BEEP."
Amaya: "Amaya, sixteen, and none of your damn business." *Hangs up*

Solo: "I call Amaya back."
Amaya: "Hello?"
Solo: "It's Solo. What's up?"
Amaya: "I was attacked by a clothing rack, but otherwise it's pretty quiet in this store. I think--"
White Noise Voice: "sktzz-kill yourself-zzztks"
Amaya: "--I'll call you right back."

Jimmy: "But I think what we have here is slightly less than mundane."
Amaya: "Much like Ronnie's Taco Bell lunch."
Jimmy: "Taco Bell is never mundane."

Solo: "We should look into this person of interest because maybe Daniel was into the occult and found his answer."
Amaya: "So he found the beyond at the Bed and Bath?"

Ronnie: "Hello, the guy is complete nuts. He needs some Zantac, chop-chop."

Amaya: "I'm going to buy a Ouija board before we go."
Solo: "I don't know if this mall would have stores that sell that kind of thing."
Amaya: "The mall has a toy store. I can get the Milton-Bradley version. Ages 13 and up."

Amaya: "I try to buy a Ouija board, hopefully without any shelves attacking me."
Ronnie: "You take 10 points of Nerf damage."
Amaya: "Haha, not funny in the slightest."
GM: "Actually-- Amaya, roll a reflex save."
Amaya: "Ronnie, I'm going to haunt you from Nerf Hell for this."

GM: "Amaya, not two steps from the shelf do half the board games start flying down at you."
Solo: "That must suck being beaten to death by the game of Life."

Amaya: "I got the Ouiji board. Let's go, I hate this place."
Solo: "You okay? You look a bit roughed up."
Amaya: "A poltergeist tried playing Scrabble with my face. Any more questions?"
Solo: "...did you win?"

Solo: "Did we just walk onto the set of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"
GM: "Jeez, I can't give out this guy's description without you all ramping up the stick forward all the way."
Amaya: "You might want to refrain from using the phrase 'ramping up the stick' on that description."

GM: "If he's going to give me the Charlie Brown mawa-bawa-mawa sound then damn it I'm going to give him the pterodactyl screech!"

Solo: "My name is agent Stetso- er, Solo."
GM: "What, your name is Stetson? Time to roll that Bluff check."
Solo: "I'm about to be convicted of perjury. Don't mind me."

Amaya: "Okay, the Ouija board is set up."
Solo: "Is there anything you want me to do?"
Amaya: "Watch my back in case of a demon coming through a portal or something."
Solo: "I doubt it works like Doom, but okay."

GPuzzle
2014-05-30, 10:54 AM
Solo: "Is there anyone whom you feel may threaten your life or wish to do you harm?"
Security Chief: "My wife."

Why did I laugh THAT loud?

Marnath
2014-05-30, 12:39 PM
Ronnie: "This hot dog had a spine. Gave me a tough time breaking it."
Solo: "That was a corndog you moron! It had a stick inside!"


My favorite. :smallbiggrin:

DigoDragon
2014-06-01, 09:06 AM
I had to do a few edits to make it board safe. :smallbiggrin:


Amaya: "Did you know a glass of whole milk has the same amount of fat as 3 strips of bacon?"
Marcus: "I misheard whole milk as Holy Water."
GM: "Wow, no wonder that stuff is good. Here lich, put some meat on them bones!"

Ronnie: "Hello, can't hear you. I'm too busy punching people and being awesome."

Marcus: "Are you planning on bringing your motorcycle to the job?"
Aries: "Well... probably not."
Amaya: *Not paying attention* "You can fold it as carry on luggage. Isn't that what everyone does?"

Jimmy: "Three more people are joining the team for this mission."
Amaya: "Great, we can do that much more damage when they get here."
Jimmy: "Thank you for your unwavering confidence."
Solo: "She's just our little gothic ray of sunshine."

GM: "You fly from DC to Colorado." *Makes several squiggley line motions*
Solo: "What is he flying, Value Jet? Delta?"

Solo: "Our Russian exchange agent is coming in style. The FBI sprung for a view-master and a bottle of vodka on his flight."

Aries: "GM, I have some stuff hidden under my jacket."
Alexander: *Gets out his dice*
Aries: "What, do you have a 'Stuff-Under-My-Jacket' detector?"
Solo: "Yeah, it's his hands."
Ronnie: "Hello, assume the position. It's the universal constant."

Marcus: "You are one tall cleric."
Alexander: "Aye, that I am."
Marcus: "So... do you bless people or beat the evil out of them?"

Solo: "Let me shake Ronnie at the ghost. Are you annoyed yet?"
Ronnie: "Hello!"
Solo: "Not you, I was talking to the ghost."

GM: "Amaya, the morning star burns."
Amaya: "Ughhh..."
GM: "Do you wake up?"
Amaya: "Ughhh..."
GM: "Okay, the zombie doesn't stir. Moving on."
Amaya: *Flips off the sun*

GM: "Ronnie, you meet the three new team members."
Ronnie: "Hello. Hello. Hello."
GM: "A 3-hit combo!"
Alexander: "What am I looking at?"
Ronnie: "A rainbow. Taste it!"

Ronnie: "Hello, Ronnie is experience a system error and must restart."
Ronnie: "Hello, Ronnie is shutting down..."

Alexander: "I'm going to roll a Knowledge (Religion) check."
GM: "Which religion do you roll and what are you taking from them?"

Amaya: *Groggily walks into the room*
Jimmy: "Ah, the rest of the team is here."
Alexander: "Hello little girl."
Amaya: "...if you're all trying to scare me awake, it's working."

Solo: "The problem is trying to convince others that the mall is haunted."
Amaya: "What, everyone doesn't already believe in ghosts?"
Solo: "No, they don't."
Amaya: "That was sarcasm."
Solo: "However, security chief Falstaff won't think so and he's going to look at you the same way I do."
Amaya: "What, that he wishes I was two years older?"

Solo: "Amaya, here's a list of questions for you to investigate-- 1) See who hates the mall owner's guts. 2) No, don't add this to the quotes..."

Marcus: "What was this guy's occupation?"
GM: "A janitor."
Ronnie: "His name was Yon Itor."
Alexander: "And he made a clean get-a-way."

Ronnie & Amaya: *Staring down a ladder into the sub-basement*
Amaya: "So... who goes first?"
Ronnie: *Shrug*
Amaya: *Realizes she's wearing a skirt* "Wait. I go first."

Alexander: "I look at Amaya."
Amaya: "I'm not admitting to anything."
Alexander: "I'm going to cast a spell."
GM: "Magic Missile?"
Alexander: "No."
GM: "Amaya is the darkness."
Solo: "I'm covering up my head."

Ronnie: "Hello, I only know one spell, and it spells your doom!"

Alexander: "I chase the aura past the door."
Ronnie: "I follow the preacher man."
GM: "The aura goes left into the hall."
Alexander: "I follow suit."
Amaya: "No, the suit is following you."
Ronnie: "No, you only follow suit if you're playing Spades."
GM: *Starts slapping himself from the bad puns*

GM: "And sure enough, here comes Mr. Falstaff."
Amaya: "Here comes the brass balls."
Ronnie: "Hello, strangest prosthetic ever."
Team: *Stares at Ronnie*

Solo: "I call over a janitor, a kid about Amaya's age."
GM: "Okay, one comes over."
Solo: "Amaya, I'm going to get a cup of coffee. Ask him where he hangs out on breaks."
Amaya: "Wait, what?!"
Solo: "I'm an old man, you're a young pretty girl, and he's a young horney teen. Guess who he'll open up to?"
Amaya: "... you're diabolical."
Teen Janitor: "What did the old man want?"
Amaya: "I dunno... say, uh... you're... cute."
Teen: *To himself* "YES!"

GM: "As the teen takes Amaya into the private storage closet, you pass by a section of wall with the initials N.S. scratched on it."
Solo: "Well Amaya must not hate me. It's not crossed out in blood."

Solo: "I listen in on the two in the closet. If I hear a zipper I'm pulling out my gun."
Amaya: "If I hear a zipper I'm removing his face."

Teen: *Pulls out a bag of joints* "So, you wanna light up?"
Amaya: "..."
Ronnie: *Kicks open the door* "Hello, this is a bust! What are you doing with my daughter? A janitor? My little girl isn't dating no push broom boy!"
Amaya: "...oh no. ...It's dad."
Teen: "Ahhh!"
Ronnie: "Say hello to the cop."
Solo: *Waving his badge* "Hi."
Ronnie: *Pulls out his own badge* "Say hello to the other cop."
Teen: *Drops his bag of joints*
Ronnie: "I'll take those joints. For medicinal evidence. Yoink!"

Amaya: "Okay, this part of the wall looks off. Like... plain?"
GM: "Amaya, you notice a shadow on the wall... vaguely humanoid."
Amaya: "I take a step back and cast Detect Magic."
GM: "Now you definitely see a shape."
Amaya: "I take chalk and draw the outline."
GM: "Okay, it's definitely a 5' 6" person."
Alexander: "Interesting. We may have found our ghost Daniel. In this wall."
Amaya: "Anyone read 'Cask of Amanteallo'?"
Ronnie: "Better question, anyone have some explosives?" *Smokes a joint*

Security chief Falstaff: "So... you think there's a body behind this wall?"
Ronnie: "Hello, you want credit if there is?"
Chief: "Why?"
Alexander: "We like to keep our Anonymity."
Ronnie: "Hello, I'm not a sea creature."

Sith_Happens
2014-06-01, 05:03 PM
"Do I want to punch someone?"

"You made your prison brew taste like something other than **** or pixie sticks."

Barbarian: "I punch [the Ranger] next."
Ranger: "Why me!?"
Barbarian: "Because you haven't been punched yet."
Fighter: "I watch, even though I can't see."

"He's right, I did grope his ass. And I would do it again."

"Why would anyone want to go to Rockwall?"
"So they can climb it?"

"Congratulations, you just summed up [the Ranger]'s backstory via Queen."

"It was fun in that hole."

"I'm the ****ing Dwarf."
"The '****ing' Dwarf?"
"There is only one cot in there."

"I attempt to eat its tentacles."
"So that's what they're calling it now."

"Do you want to be chill or not?"

[OOC chatter:] "Belkar was in an oubliette in Azure City, of course they didn't realize he'd hidden his Ring of Jumping +20 in an undisclosed location."
[Later:]
DM: "Roll percentile to see where you make contact."
Player 1: "Anything under 50 is his beard."
DM: "And another 30% chance is..."
Player 1: "His secondary beard."
Player 2: "Secondary beard? Where would that even be?"
Player 1: "In an undisclosed location."
Player 2: "I'm leaving."

Erberor
2014-06-02, 04:37 AM
GM: Congratulations, you have deep fried your opponent. Good Job.

GM: well, NO, I wasn't expecting you to blow up a steam canister in his face and then shoot him point blank with the prototype railgun.

GM: Let's see what your charisma score is...no, I'm afraid you're not pretty enough to look dramatic as you fall.

Shopkeeper: You could buy the ordinary rope, sure...OR you could buy this awesome animated rope instead!
Me: What does it do?
Shopkeeper: It automatically strangles anyone who attempts to use it!

NPC: You're one of those Hero types aren't you?
Hero type: Yep.
NPC: Damnit.

GM: For the last time, draining the souls of fallen opponents for your item crafting is evil! I should NOT have to tell this to the lawful good cleric!

GM: One of them comes at you armed with a small rock-
Me: I hit him in the face with his own rock. With magic.

Pun-lord: Carpe DM. Sieze the dice.

Martin Greywolf
2014-06-02, 07:00 AM
The setting: A:tLA alternate verse
The system: Dračí Doupě 2 (made in Czech Republic)
The PCs: one on one, only PC is called Nameless, current avatar (Aang died in the iceberg)


Toph: I don't see the problem.

Nameless: I'm a mercenary, I don't function in society, I blow the society up.

Iroh: So, what curse did you get?
Nameless: A wolf tail. Apart from occasional urge to mark my territory, it's pretty awesome. How about your nephew?
Zuko: <bursts out singing to the tune of Figaro> It's horrible, horrible, horrible...
Iroh: Come on, now, nephew, it could be worse.

Zhao: <crashes into three tables in a row>
Nameless: All make way for commander Crash!

Nameless: Whate happened to you?
Azula: ...I fell down some stairs.
Nameless: That then proceeded to inflict electrical burns to your hands?

Nameless: <reads job offer poster> „A nameless mercenary waterbender able to read circle script is needed.“ That's awfully specific...

Nameless: Working for you carries a significant Azula tax.

Nameless: I stab them. And if that don't work, I stab them again.

Nameless: So, you just saved a baby dragon from being set on fire by his parents... and this doesn't remind you of anything?
Azula: ...no.
Lu Ten: <to Nameless> How are you still alive?

Nameless: I think the dragon just pranked us.

Nameless: I just used a princess as a projectile.

Nameless: So, the good news is that sandbenders will let us stay in the city, despite not really liking Fire Nation. The bad news is, everyone except me has to wear a bunch of wee little bells at all times.
Everyone: <looks at Azula and bursts out laughing>

Nameless: I shall communicate with them via the medium of explosions!

Nameless: And the invasion is being led by admiral Crash... I mean Zhao, admiral Zhao.

Nameless: Silent like a fish MY A**!

Nameless: I saved the world for 20 yuan. I feel like I need to step up my prices.

Nameless: That's it! I'm installing knockout gas dispenser inside my airship!

Nameless: How can you not know how eggs work?!

Katara: I'll have you know I have a boyfriend in the Earth Kingdom!
Nameless: Suuuuure you do...
...
Nameless: Hey, Azula, did Katara tell you about her boyfriend in the Earth Kingdom she totally has?

Toph: So you saved the world for free?
Nameless: I really, really need to step up my prices...

Lu Ten: Did you just blow up the entire Ba Sing Se sewers?
Nameles: You're welcome!

Commander Li: Are you sure it's a good idea?
Nameless: ...no.

Nameless: Coming to think of it, half of our family issues are currently on this island.
Azula: Now to burn it down!
Katara: Well, Azula certainly has a head start...

Nameless: Did you hide chocolate in the rocket launchers again?
Azula: Mmmaybe?

Nameless: You just had to drink the tea, didn't you?
Azula: I was thirsty!

Nameless OOC: I think me and Azula just invented political cartooning.

Nameless: So, I just won an airship factory in a card game...

Nameless: Well, nothing really important has happened in the Earth kingdom recently.
Azula: Wait, does it mean that Earth kingdom is the new Water tribe?
Katara: <glare>

Nameless: I have to give you some cute nickname, like Zuzu.
Azula: Absolutely not!
Nameless: How about... Lulu?
Azula: That sounds like a name for a stripper.
Nameless OOC: Meanwhile, in Code Geass-verse, Lelouch cries.

Sith_Happens
2014-06-02, 05:32 PM
Toph: I don't see the problem.

Finally, a Toph joke in this thread! No thanks to DigoDragon's group, of course.:smalltongue:


Nameless: I saved the world for 20 yuan. I feel like I need to step up my prices.

Toph: So you saved the world for free?
Nameless: I really, really need to step up my prices...

THIS IS HIS CATCHPHRASE NOW. DON'T ARGUE, JUST EMBRACE IT.


Nameless: I have to give you some cute nickname, like Zuzu.
Azula: Absolutely not!
Nameless: How about... Lulu?
Azula: That sounds like a name for a stripper.
Nameless OOC: Meanwhile, in Code Geass-verse, Lelouch cries.[/SPOILER]

HA.:smallbiggrin:

--Anyways... The Avatar and Azula working together? With Katara too!? CANNOT COMPUTE, PLEASE PM.:smallconfused:

Codex
2014-06-02, 07:58 PM
"I'm going to punch your side in the face!"

"He ate his own mouth out. Trolls do that right?"

"Well I was hoping for Men in Black meets Buffy the Vampire Slayer but it looks like I'll have to settle for Avatar meets Avatar."

"What, you thought I'd just pull am Elsa on everyone?"

"That is one of the most powerful beings in our entire mortal coil! Not a pony!"

bulbaquil
2014-06-03, 05:00 AM
GM: "Yes, she is the goddess of UFOs."
P3: "I'm going to play this character like a magical unicorn now!"

P3: "I don't get domains."
...
P4: *singing to the tune of Black Sabbath's "Iron Man"* "I don't get domains / Every other cleric doesn't feel my pain!"

P2: "I know what her favored weapon should be: a lamp-shaped battle aspergillium."

Jormengand
2014-06-03, 07:26 AM
"You're fighting a paragon (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/epic/monsters/paragonCreature.htm) pony (http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/pony.htm)."
"That is one of the most powerful beings in our entire mortal coil! Not a pony!"

Heh heh heh. :smalltongue:

DigoDragon
2014-06-03, 08:23 AM
Finally, a Toph joke in this thread! No thanks to DigoDragon's group, of course.:smalltongue:

Haha... yeah I can't say nothing about that. :smallbiggrin:


MOAR Quotes~

Solo: "I guess we reconvene at the hotel and call it a night. Jimmy, I assume you want to see this through?"
Jimmy: "It would be nice."
Amaya: "We might get paid for it too."
Solo: "Yeah, it's only the government. It's not like the private sector, they demand results."

Solo: "I love jobs where I travel often. Thanks to hotel stays I haven't bought shampoo in 13 years."

Solo: "We can also check out the DMV to see if this dwarf still has a driver's license on file."
Amaya: "Could he even see over the dashboard?"
Jimmy: "Well at least his driving skill is better than your $7.95 for a week bus pass."
Amaya: "At least *I* can reach the pedals."

Amaya: "Great. All we need now is a car chase with me at the wheel and Ronnie in a sombrero."
Ronnie: "Hola!"

Jimmy: "Anyone have any other pressing matters before we all retire for the night?"
Ronnie: "Hello, explosives."
Jimmy: "Besides that."
Ronnie: "Uh... sledge hammer?"

GM: "So where will we be splitting off to?"
Amaya: "There is City Hall, the DMV--"
Ronnie: "The BBB."
Solo: "The Bodacious Babes Boutique?"
Ronnie: "Hello, dibs on that stakeout."
GM: "Mmm, steak."

GM: "You make your way to the door behind the filing cabinet marked 'Live Cougars'."
Solo: "I open the door and hope to find Phyllis Diller inside."

Solo: "I open the drawer for the company's archives."
GM: "Their archives are the entirety of the drawer."
Solo: "Great, we'll be taking down a pillar of the community. I can see the conversation with the owner now-- So Mrs. Foster, did you know you have a murderer in your company? Did you know you could be the murderer? What's that? You're building a wall of lawyers? An actual wall?"
Amaya: "And a moat of Litigation."

Solo: "I'll take Ronnie with me just in case they accept a passable cop more so than a straight FBI agent."
Amaya: "Yeah, they might hate the feds."
GM: "Darn federal agents and their fancy suits."
Amaya: "Wait, this guy is a socially-dysfunctional dwarf. Doesn't he hate everybody?"

Ronnie: "Hello, looking for concrete. Wanna get stoned."

GM: "Roll research."
Amaya: "26."
GM: "You fail to find AOL."
Amaya: "Thank. Pelor."

Solo: "Nothing wrong with this guy. He just owns an altar to some ancient god."
Amaya: "Big deal, I got three of those."

GM: "You get to the mall just in time to see it do the poltergeist thing."
Mall: *implodes*
Amaya: "...cool."
GM: "Amaya, now your shirt does the poltergeist thing and implodes."
Amaya: "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Ronnie: "Hello, let me help you with that."
Amaya: "I will slap you through the black hole to retrieve my shirt."
Solo: "Black holes can do anything!"

Solo: "KB Toys? That place was lethal the other day, let's go in!"

GM: "The punk swings at Ronnie and misses completely."
Ronnie: "I respond with a round-house kick to his noggin. Nat 20!"
GM: "And here I was worried I wouldn't be able to get in a good fight this session."

Solo: "I'm going to try something stupid."
Amaya: "So am I. You better be extra creative with your idea."
Solo: "I have two-weapon fighting."
Amaya: "Yeah, that's a contender."

Amaya: "Janitors shouldn't be that happy. Can we arrest him for that?"
Ronnie: "Hello, he's dead."
Amaya: "Oh, right."

Ronnie: "Hello... zzz... Hello... zzz..."
Amaya: "I think he fell into some kind of... healing stasis."

Jimmy: "We're here to check out a 15-year old cold case. Let's not turn it into a 15-minute new case."

Solo: "I'm taking suits and myself to the hospital and get our injuries treated."
Ronnie: "Hello, nose is bleeding and I don't know why."
Solo: "Are you going to be alright by yourself, Amaya?"
Amaya: *Draws a picture of Solo and Ronnie on the base of a broom*
Solo: "Sure you don't want back up? Maybe the cleric?"
Amaya: "No, I'll be fine. Alone. With no crazy people around me."
Ronnie: "...is that a voodoo broom?"

Amaya: "I poke around the janitorial closet."
Broom: *Bristles*
GM: "You see two digital thermostats and the usual mop/broom/bucket/cleaning stuff."
Broom: *Bristles*
Amaya: "Hmm... (*To the broom*) So what do you think, Solo?"
Amaya: *Imitating Solo* "I think I'll need a cup of coffee and then we'll question someone."
Amaya: "How about you Ronnie?"
Amaya: *Imitating Ronnie* "Hello, I think we should do a... SWEEP of the closet."
Broom: *Bristles*
Amaya: "Um... did the broom just... bristle at me?"
GM: "That's only the 3rd time your broom has done that."
Amaya: "I should stop playing with myself."
GM: *Stifling a snicker*
Amaya: "Well I'm glad no one heard that."
Solo: "Yeah, but the way you've lowered the broom it's like Ronnie and I are looking up your skirt."
Ronnie: "Hello, nose is bleeding again and I don't know why."

Amaya: "You smell like a convention. What happened to you?"

Solo: "Where's Amaya?"
GM: "You don't see her."
Solo: "I look for her. Last time she dissappeared somebody got stabbed."
Ronnie: "Criminey, and we're in a scissor shop!"

Amaya: "You said this guy is human?"
Murder Suspect: "Yes."
Solo: "I just have to ask your wife a few questions. Were you cheating with this 17 year old kid?"
Ronnie: "We can ask the husband too. Could be trapped in the closet. Or a threesome."
Amaya: "Can we check your closet for a dwarf?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I know this song. I'm on it!"

Amaya: "Okay, so Daniel the ghost was real close friends with Pascal the scissor store owner, but not in a 90210 way."

Ronnie: "Hello, so this dead kid had a thing for scissors, and he bought construction paper to feed the scissors, right? Cut construction paper leads to cut construction art and thereby all the moolah his family was making off it. And who hates people making money off construction paper more than the dwarf who was in the construction industry, right? Hello, we have our murder suspect!"
GM: "How in the world did you connect that conclusion?"
Amaya: "Done in five degrees. Kevin Bacon can kiss it."

SickBritKid
2014-06-03, 11:43 AM
Player: *rolls 5 on Search check*
DM: You do not find Billy Bonka's Chocolate Factory.

Braininthejar2
2014-06-03, 03:31 PM
The setting: A:tLA alternate verse
The system: Dračí Doupě 2 (made in Czech Republic)
The PCs: one on one, only PC is called Nameless, current avatar (Aang died in the iceberg)


Toph: I don't see the problem.

Nameless: I'm a mercenary, I don't function in society, I blow the society up.

Iroh: So, what curse did you get?
Nameless: A wolf tail. Apart from occasional urge to mark my territory, it's pretty awesome. How about your nephew?
Zuko: <bursts out singing to the tune of Figaro> It's horrible, horrible, horrible...
Iroh: Come on, now, nephew, it could be worse.

Zhao: <crashes into three tables in a row>
Nameless: All make way for commander Crash!

Nameless: Whate happened to you?
Azula: ...I fell down some stairs.
Nameless: That then proceeded to inflict electrical burns to your hands?

Nameless: <reads job offer poster> „A nameless mercenary waterbender able to read circle script is needed.“ That's awfully specific...

Nameless: Working for you carries a significant Azula tax.

Nameless: I stab them. And if that don't work, I stab them again.

Nameless: So, you just saved a baby dragon from being set on fire by his parents... and this doesn't remind you of anything?
Azula: ...no.
Lu Ten: <to Nameless> How are you still alive?

Nameless: I think the dragon just pranked us.

Nameless: I just used a princess as a projectile.

Nameless: So, the good news is that sandbenders will let us stay in the city, despite not really liking Fire Nation. The bad news is, everyone except me has to wear a bunch of wee little bells at all times.
Everyone: <looks at Azula and bursts out laughing>

Nameless: I shall communicate with them via the medium of explosions!

Nameless: And the invasion is being led by admiral Crash... I mean Zhao, admiral Zhao.

Nameless: Silent like a fish MY A**!

Nameless: I saved the world for 20 yuan. I feel like I need to step up my prices.

Nameless: That's it! I'm installing knockout gas dispenser inside my airship!

Nameless: How can you not know how eggs work?!

Katara: I'll have you know I have a boyfriend in the Earth Kingdom!
Nameless: Suuuuure you do...
...
Nameless: Hey, Azula, did Katara tell you about her boyfriend in the Earth Kingdom she totally has?

Toph: So you saved the world for free?
Nameless: I really, really need to step up my prices...

Lu Ten: Did you just blow up the entire Ba Sing Se sewers?
Nameles: You're welcome!

Commander Li: Are you sure it's a good idea?
Nameless: ...no.

Nameless: Coming to think of it, half of our family issues are currently on this island.
Azula: Now to burn it down!
Katara: Well, Azula certainly has a head start...

Nameless: Did you hide chocolate in the rocket launchers again?
Azula: Mmmaybe?

Nameless: You just had to drink the tea, didn't you?
Azula: I was thirsty!

Nameless OOC: I think me and Azula just invented political cartooning.

Nameless: So, I just won an airship factory in a card game...

Nameless: Well, nothing really important has happened in the Earth kingdom recently.
Azula: Wait, does it mean that Earth kingdom is the new Water tribe?
Katara: <glare>

Nameless: I have to give you some cute nickname, like Zuzu.
Azula: Absolutely not!
Nameless: How about... Lulu?
Azula: That sounds like a name for a stripper.
Nameless OOC: Meanwhile, in Code Geass-verse, Lelouch cries.

For some reason I read the Nameless' quotes in the Cabbage Guy's voice.

Codex
2014-06-03, 05:49 PM
Heh heh heh. :smalltongue:

Wow, didn't even notice that.

Hunter Noventa
2014-06-03, 06:08 PM
Nix: So the hobgoblins are stealing from the goblins?
Ragnar: Because hobgoblins are jerks and goblins can count to potato?

Codex
2014-06-03, 06:52 PM
"Your Shish Kibob makes the incoming militia made entirely to kill us seem appealing."

Rouge: Why did you just blow up the cottage?!
Codex:I had a coupon.

Spore
2014-06-03, 07:40 PM
[PC1]: I'll summon a Celestial Velociraptor.
[PC2]: When you introduced yourself, you didn't say that you're AWESOME!
[PC1]: Why?
[PC3]: It's Raptor Jesus. Duh.

Buddha's_Cookie
2014-06-03, 10:42 PM
Took me long enough to find and catch up with the rest of you. Happy to see the thread restarted and going strong.

Dm to me: Oh, you lost three levels. Here's a Reese's cup.

DigoDragon
2014-06-04, 07:38 AM
DM: "This is going to be a curb stomp."
PC1: "Define curb stomp."
DM: "Okay, imagine your a US Civil War era soldier with a Henry repeating rifle. The best weapon of your period."
PC1: "And what does the enemy have?"
DM: "They're in the B2 bomber that just dropped a nuke on your location."

USS Sorceror
2014-06-04, 02:55 PM
Brix Pennant-alchemist who is kind of a drunk, likes punching things, and is unfortunately the parties leader

Dmitri-morose cleric of a goddess of death who hates the undead

Lira-a strix (human with bird wings) who was abandoned by her people for having been born with defective wings...or she got a severe injury, we're not sure

Mishro-wandering ronin samurai...not much else to say

Dmitri: I don't remember voting for you.
Brix: You don't vote for leaders! Leaders are made. Unless they're a mayor, in which case you vote for them.

Mishro: Do you want me to kick this door in too?
Brix: Let's be polite and knock first. -knocks on door-
DM: You hear voices speaking in a language you don't understand.
Brix: Okay, open the door, and be neighborly. -readies bomb-

Brix: Okay, now I want you to be creative and try to open this door WITHOUT using fire.

Brix: Look, they didn't vote for this guy to lead them.
Goblin: I voted for Bob.
Brix: Why?
Goblin: Because he whips us if we don't.

Dmitri: So we defeated our enemy by standing idly by while he strangles himself with his own whip?
Brix: Victory!

Mishro: This lockets been heavily oxidized.
Brix: I know what that's like.
Lira: I don't think you mean oxidized.
Mishro: If anything, you're fermented.

Lira: There are skeletons in there.
Dmitri: What kind of skeletons?
Lira: The kind that are getting up and moving about.
Dmitri: -flies into a rage and begins attacking-
Brix: Mishro, I'm worried about Dmitri. I think he's drunk.

Dmitri: He's only attacking you because you're holding that banner!
Mishro: I continue attacking! You're gonna have to persuade me, man.
Brix: Persuade you? Okay. -19 Diplomacy- Throw away the banner, dumbass!
Mishro: Oh, okay.

Sith_Happens
2014-06-04, 04:22 PM
Haha... yeah I can't say nothing about that. :smallbiggrin:


MOAR Quotes~

Solo: "I guess we reconvene at the hotel and call it a night. Jimmy, I assume you want to see this through?"
Jimmy: "It would be nice."
Amaya: "We might get paid for it too."
Solo: "Yeah, it's only the government. It's not like the private sector, they demand results."

Solo: "I love jobs where I travel often. Thanks to hotel stays I haven't bought shampoo in 13 years."

Solo: "We can also check out the DMV to see if this dwarf still has a driver's license on file."
Amaya: "Could he even see over the dashboard?"
Jimmy: "Well at least his driving skill is better than your $7.95 for a week bus pass."
Amaya: "At least *I* can reach the pedals."

Amaya: "Great. All we need now is a car chase with me at the wheel and Ronnie in a sombrero."
Ronnie: "Hola!"

Jimmy: "Anyone have any other pressing matters before we all retire for the night?"
Ronnie: "Hello, explosives."
Jimmy: "Besides that."
Ronnie: "Uh... sledge hammer?"

GM: "So where will we be splitting off to?"
Amaya: "There is City Hall, the DMV--"
Ronnie: "The BBB."
Solo: "The Bodacious Babes Boutique?"
Ronnie: "Hello, dibs on that stakeout."
GM: "Mmm, steak."

GM: "You make your way to the door behind the filing cabinet marked 'Live Cougars'."
Solo: "I open the door and hope to find Phyllis Diller inside."

Solo: "I open the drawer for the company's archives."
GM: "Their archives are the entirety of the drawer."
Solo: "Great, we'll be taking down a pillar of the community. I can see the conversation with the owner now-- So Mrs. Foster, did you know you have a murderer in your company? Did you know you could be the murderer? What's that? You're building a wall of lawyers? An actual wall?"
Amaya: "And a moat of Litigation."

Solo: "I'll take Ronnie with me just in case they accept a passable cop more so than a straight FBI agent."
Amaya: "Yeah, they might hate the feds."
GM: "Darn federal agents and their fancy suits."
Amaya: "Wait, this guy is a socially-dysfunctional dwarf. Doesn't he hate everybody?"

Ronnie: "Hello, looking for concrete. Wanna get stoned."

GM: "Roll research."
Amaya: "26."
GM: "You fail to find AOL."
Amaya: "Thank. Pelor."

Solo: "Nothing wrong with this guy. He just owns an altar to some ancient god."
Amaya: "Big deal, I got three of those."

GM: "You get to the mall just in time to see it do the poltergeist thing."
Mall: *implodes*
Amaya: "...cool."
GM: "Amaya, now your shirt does the poltergeist thing and implodes."
Amaya: "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Ronnie: "Hello, let me help you with that."
Amaya: "I will slap you through the black hole to retrieve my shirt."
Solo: "Black holes can do anything!"

Solo: "KB Toys? That place was lethal the other day, let's go in!"

GM: "The punk swings at Ronnie and misses completely."
Ronnie: "I respond with a round-house kick to his noggin. Nat 20!"
GM: "And here I was worried I wouldn't be able to get in a good fight this session."

Solo: "I'm going to try something stupid."
Amaya: "So am I. You better be extra creative with your idea."
Solo: "I have two-weapon fighting."
Amaya: "Yeah, that's a contender."

Amaya: "Janitors shouldn't be that happy. Can we arrest him for that?"
Ronnie: "Hello, he's dead."
Amaya: "Oh, right."

Ronnie: "Hello... zzz... Hello... zzz..."
Amaya: "I think he fell into some kind of... healing stasis."

Jimmy: "We're here to check out a 15-year old cold case. Let's not turn it into a 15-minute new case."

Solo: "I'm taking suits and myself to the hospital and get our injuries treated."
Ronnie: "Hello, nose is bleeding and I don't know why."
Solo: "Are you going to be alright by yourself, Amaya?"
Amaya: *Draws a picture of Solo and Ronnie on the base of a broom*
Solo: "Sure you don't want back up? Maybe the cleric?"
Amaya: "No, I'll be fine. Alone. With no crazy people around me."
Ronnie: "...is that a voodoo broom?"

Amaya: "I poke around the janitorial closet."
Broom: *Bristles*
GM: "You see two digital thermostats and the usual mop/broom/bucket/cleaning stuff."
Broom: *Bristles*
Amaya: "Hmm... (*To the broom*) So what do you think, Solo?"
Amaya: *Imitating Solo* "I think I'll need a cup of coffee and then we'll question someone."
Amaya: "How about you Ronnie?"
Amaya: *Imitating Ronnie* "Hello, I think we should do a... SWEEP of the closet."
Broom: *Bristles*
Amaya: "Um... did the broom just... bristle at me?"
GM: "That's only the 3rd time your broom has done that."
Amaya: "I should stop playing with myself."
GM: *Stifling a snicker*
Amaya: "Well I'm glad no one heard that."
Solo: "Yeah, but the way you've lowered the broom it's like Ronnie and I are looking up your skirt."
Ronnie: "Hello, nose is bleeding again and I don't know why."

Amaya: "You smell like a convention. What happened to you?"

Solo: "Where's Amaya?"
GM: "You don't see her."
Solo: "I look for her. Last time she dissappeared somebody got stabbed."
Ronnie: "Criminey, and we're in a scissor shop!"

Amaya: "You said this guy is human?"
Murder Suspect: "Yes."
Solo: "I just have to ask your wife a few questions. Were you cheating with this 17 year old kid?"
Ronnie: "We can ask the husband too. Could be trapped in the closet. Or a threesome."
Amaya: "Can we check your closet for a dwarf?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I know this song. I'm on it!"

Amaya: "Okay, so Daniel the ghost was real close friends with Pascal the scissor store owner, but not in a 90210 way."

Ronnie: "Hello, so this dead kid had a thing for scissors, and he bought construction paper to feed the scissors, right? Cut construction paper leads to cut construction art and thereby all the moolah his family was making off it. And who hates people making money off construction paper more than the dwarf who was in the construction industry, right? Hello, we have our murder suspect!"
GM: "How in the world did you connect that conclusion?"
Amaya: "Done in five degrees. Kevin Bacon can kiss it."


d20 Modern?

Kid Jake
2014-06-04, 05:37 PM
All of these are from my current (http://www.giantitp.com/forums/showthread.php?322592-quot-Let-s-get-this-straight-YOU-RE-the-sidekick!-quot-A-Mutants-amp-Masterminds-Camp-Journal) game.

Roger McCrow: "This man belongs in prison, the very fact that he's not means that he must be a sociopathic liar. Of course I want him to represent me."

Fanboy: "Dammit McCrow, how many old women are you going to beat up before this day is through?"
Roger McCrow: "I don't know, how many are we likely to run into?"

Me: "That leaves about 60 witnesses that you can't mindrape."
Fanboy: "Damn...alright, how many can we lock in the warehouse?"

Roger McCrow "I don't care his rank, he's not putting a finger inside me."

Tiffany: "Alright, so the tree monster is listening to music in the van then and doesn't know I'm here? Fantastic, I order my partner to pee on him."

Not the character but Fanboy's player to his wife's surprise: "Alright, everyone seems properly horrified. I guess it's time to burn down this Mosque."

Roger McCrow "I can't show you my power, it's messy and I can guarantee there won't be a functioning piece of plumbing left after I'm done."

Agent Mann "I think I'm going to call you Drip, because I'm pretty sure your body is like 90% chlamydia at this point."

Roger McCrow "I only came for moral support, and possibly to watch you put your finger inside Fanboy."

Roger McCrow: "Either she answers my questions or I'm going to have to get rough."
Me: "She's an innocent bystander, she literally doesn't know anything else. Even Fanboy can vouch for that."
Roger MCCrow *headbutts a grieving widow unconscious* "I warned her."

Roger McCrow (After creating life): "They're happy little bastards aren't they?"
Fanboy: "They're terrifying."
Roger McCrow: "What? How can you say that? They're adorable! They were playing with a cat the last time I saw them."
Fanboy: "You only say that because you didn't see what they did when they CAUGHT the cat..."

Roger McCrow: "He's like the son I never had."
Fanboy: "The hell are you talking about? I know I've met your son. Aren't we paying for his wedding?"
Roger McCrow: "Yeah, but he doesn't have superpowers so he doesn't really count."

Roger McCrow: "I'm pretty sure Homeland Security told us not to do exactly this..."
Fanboy: "If the American government wants to stop me they're more than welcome to try."

Me: "In the news today are photos of more than a dozen Italians fished out of the bay with their throats slit and their hands removed..."
Roger McCrow: "Wait, did we do this?"
Fanboy: "No, we never stopped to cut off hands."

Roger McCrow: "Wait! We can't just kill this guy!"
Fanboy: "What are you talking about? You've killed more than a dozen people in the week since I've met you."
Roger McCrow: "Well yeah...but most of those were accidents."

Sartharina
2014-06-04, 05:57 PM
I've been waiting for these to show up here, kidjake! i'm trying to figure out which is the best.

Sallera
2014-06-04, 06:32 PM
PC1 (OOC): Sorry bud, you emit sparks and can't walk quietly to save your life. Not allowed on further stealth missions.

DM: The adventurer's life: Make a fortune, spend it all resurrecting your dead friends.
PC2 (OOC): Or "Make a fortune, spend it on booze and whores, make new friends." Being evil has it's advantages.

PC3: Ah, this plan hasn't panned out very well.
PC2: *twitch* Orks. Orks with axes. Why can't I ever have something simple like that.

PC1: Either that is the most powerful spell ever devised to make a dull glow, or there's something else about that crystal.

PC2: Half of us already died in these halls, and as half of the other half I'd rather not continue that trend.
PC1: As half of the first half I'm inclined to agree with you.

PC2: Chip, chip, chip the rock
gently piece by piece.
Steadily steadily steadily steadily
we are going deep.

The length of this exchange veers dangerously close to context, but I couldn't resist. :smalltongue:

PC2: Well, <PC5>, use that chiseled chin and shining white teeth of yours to find out where we need to go.
PC5: Why, <PC2>, I had no idea you felt that way about me. You're sure to make me blush.
...
PC4: <PC2>, that was an example of humanoid mating ritual was it not? This is, how do you say, playing hard to get? Are you and <PC5> going to copulate?
PC2: You know, sometimes I forget you're not a real boy. Hasn't <PC1> given you the talk about the birds and bees yet? Be glad I know you're not teasing me, or you'd've had my fist in your face. And believe me, I know how to crack your shell. No, we're not mating. I'm just saying what he is: a fancy pretty-boy, and people like him use that to get what they want.
PC4: The mating behaviors of you flesh-bodies is no mystery to me. I do understand however, that in certain tribes two males will sometimes seek each other out. An old human once told me this practice is called buggery. Regardless of your intent, it would seem that <PC5> read your remarks as an overture. Are you not concerned about...how is it? Leading him onward?
PC2: You know, you might actually be right there. I don't look at <PC5> in that way, but he might have interpreted it thusly. I really don't want to hurt his feelings and if I confront him directly about it he might feel rejected. Could you, perhaps, ask him innocently whether or not he is a bugger?
PC4: Indeed <PC2>, I will broach the topic with him delicately...though I am not sure how I shall, mmm....lay him down gently, that he is unrequited?
...
PC4:Was he too a bugger? I am told that they tend to dress sharply, and that dwarf was certainly well-manicured. I wonder, does he braid his own hair, or does it require assistants? I am told some noblewomen require a team of ten or more, though I am uncertain of your dwarven practices...
PC2: Tell me <PC4>, does <PC1> have to go through questions like that every time? I'm starting to understand why she ran headfirst into a forty pound club.
PC4: Every time what? I don't believe in our brief travels together, that she and I have ever been approached by so fancy a dwarf. In fact, you are only the second of your kind I have ever had more than a cursory conversation with. The first was a Kundarak merchant I met shortly after emerging from what you Khorvarians refer to as Khyber. I believe he wanted to sell my body, though assuredly not for buggery.
PC2: *extended bout of coughing* That's enough. No more talk of buggery. Dol Arra's mutton chops, can't I just enjoy a fine brew in peace and quiet?

PC2: Chip, chip, chip the <PC4>
Gently piece by piece.
Merrily merrily merrily
I will live in peace.

PC2: You know, this is a quite pleasant place. Makes me feel calm and at ease. That's not usual for me. And it disturbs me deeply that nothing about this seems to disturb me at all.

Kid Jake
2014-06-04, 07:39 PM
I've been waiting for these to show up here, kidjake! i'm trying to figure out which is the best.

Heh, thanks. I'll try and dig up some of the older ones.

GPuzzle
2014-06-04, 09:40 PM
Liam: "Let me get this straight - we just found a black hole, in Japan, and it isn't sucking the Earth yet."
Thomas: "Japan is Earth personal alternative reality where men with badass swords, tattooed gang members, nerds, obese men fighting and gothic lolita schoolgirls peacefully coexist."

gc25774
2014-06-04, 09:46 PM
DM: The first thug goes down and the second asks, "Why are you doing this?"
Player: I coup de grace him.
DM: What? But you're good!
Player: So?
DM:........

Krazzman
2014-06-05, 02:24 AM
Roger McCrow: "Wait! We can't just kill this guy!"
Fanboy: "What are you talking about? You've killed more than a dozen people in the week since I've met you."
Roger McCrow: "Well yeah...but most of those were accidents."

A wasted quote... should've said something like "I just did."

Kid Jake
2014-06-05, 03:38 AM
A wasted quote... should've said something like "I just did."

It was one of the early sessions, McCrow was still trying to act like they weren't superpowered mass murderers.




Some more quotes that came to me though:

Fanboy: "You can just call me the Fanboy, because that's what I am. I'm a fanboy for Lucas, a fanboy for Toryama, a fanboy...for justice."

Roger McCrow to Fanboy: "I scream something anti-Semitic and punch him in his stupid face."
Me: "Wait, what are you screaming?"
Roger McCrow: "It doesn't matter, he's not going to remember it when I'm done."

Fanboy: "I need to use the bathroom."
Guard: "Why are his eyes glowing?!"
Roger McCrow: "Umm...he needs to use the bathroom...so damned bad?"

Depaliamo: "Who the f*** are you two? What have I EVER done to you a**holes?"
Roger McCrow: "Let me put it this way. A wise man once said to me: 'Don't look at it like it's the end of the world. Look at it like taking out the trash.'"
Depaliamo just stares at him.
Roger McCrow: "You were the one who said that! Those were your EXACT words when you sent me packing to the gutter!"
Depaliamo stares for a moment before realization strikes "You're the drunken idiot that kept wrecking my forklifts!"

DHS Agent Parks: "Dammit you two, it looks like a gang war went down here. What the hell happened?"
Roger McCrow, lighting a cigar: "We won."

Fanboy: "Oh no, we fixed him. Now Johnny on the Spot (super speedster) needs a new nickname, because unless The Spot is a wheelchair he's not going anywhere near it anymore."


Roger McCrow kicking in a door while attempting a solo 'rescue': "I don't care what you want, you're going to come with me if you know what's good for you."
Terrified Mother: "No wait, please! I have children, they'll be home any minute!"
Roger McCrow: "Don't worry, they're coming too, I've got enough space in the warehouse for all of you. Now stop fighting me and put on your blind fold."


Stardust: "He had a baby!"
Agent Mann, holstering his gun: "HAD, being the operative word. Now we have the baby."

Michael Stockton: "They fixed me up. Some experimental procedure meant to get me back to kicking ass and taking names. Look, they even gave me a name taking book."

Michael Stockton: "You go back and tell Parks that I'm not one of his toy soldiers anymore."
Agent Mann: "Oh I know you're not a soldier Michael, you're an animal. And like an animal you're going to do your trick or you're going to get put down."

DigoDragon
2014-06-05, 08:19 AM
d20 Modern?

Yep. :smallsmile:


Quotes~

Erik: "There are only four needed food groups: Salt, fat, sugar, and caffeine."

Jimmy: "The CSI team is here with the X-ray machine."
Solo: "Okay, crank up this thing to 11 and sterilize everything in Hot Topic!"
Erik: "I sense a vague hint that you don't like Hot Topic?"
Amaya: "..."
Solo: "I'm sorry, do you shop there, Amaya?"
Amaya: "Not anymore."

GM: "While the CSI team is workening on- er, workening?"

Amaya: "So what's your specialty?"
Erik: "I... read things."
Ronnie: "Hello, so a librarian then?"
Jimmy: "He's following a path much like your own, Amaya."
Solo: "So Erik worships Satan too?"

Alexander: *Opens his evidence kit*
Amaya: "Why do you have garlic and a wooden stake in there?"
Alexander: "You never know when you might need it."
Erik: "You know that doesn't really work."
Alexander: "You do not use garlic in your pasta the way we do in Russia."
Solo: "What, do you keep it fresh in that kit?"
Alexander: "Yes, between the iodine, salt, and oregano."
Amaya: "Does your evidence kit double as a spice rack?"
Solo: "Hey, lets sprinkle some nutmeg on the body, see if preserves the flavor."

Erik: "This has suddenly become a cross between The X-Files and Reno 911."

Alexander: "I bring the hammer out for Erik to see."
GM: "It attacks Amaya."
Amaya: "Ack!"
GM: "It drains 3 levels. It's a level draining hammer."
Solo: "New, from Craftsman!!"

Jenova: "Level draining hammers can be nasty, but easy to disarm if you know that it is one."
Amaya: "It worries me that you sound so confident about that."
Gene: "New? Craftsman has made and sold level-draining hammers for years! With lifetime guarantees."
Ronnie: "Hello, they sell level-draining hammers? Do they have dark sorcerers on the Board of Directors?"
Gene: "They did have, at one time. When they bought Orchard Supply Hardware the whole organizational chart changed. I don't know what happened to them."
Amaya: "Level drained into middle management I bet."

Ronnie: "Hello, not sticking a flame up my nose."

Random Person: "Why do you think it was me?"
Solo: "We can't read dwarven, but I found your name stamped on this hammer."
Random Person: "My name is Stanley."

Solo: "None of them owned a mirror so they couldn't see who wronged them."

GM: "The news reports got a good shot of the bones behind the wall."
Solo: "Did the camera man go under Amaya's skirt for that shot?"
Amaya: "He's soooo dead."
Ronnie: "Time to break out the VooDoo Broom?"

Jimmy: "It seems that Daniel's younger brother just made a death threat against the killer."
Solo: "He doesn't worry me. It's the older sister that worries me."
Amaya: "Why, she creeps you out for being so silent this entire time?"
Solo: "In a word... hell freakin' yeah!"

Solo: "Did Daniel have a girlfriend?"
Amaya: "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
Ronnie: "Hello, why am I not in on this thought?"
Solo: "Yes, but Amaya's wearing the tu-tu."
Amaya: "You know, the ghost isn't the only one that can chuck a Ouija board."
Erik: "Are you two always this violent?"
Solo: "No, you should have seen our last two cases."
Amaya: "Even though this is our first case together?"

Ronnie "Hello, make with the clothes ripping, chop chop."

Amaya: "So far I think the ghost is the only one who's gotten any respect. And it's dead."

Solo: "Amaya, do you want to interview the older sister and I'll interview the possible girlfriend?"
Amaya: "I'm not very good at talking to people."
Solo: "Nor I unless they're shooting at me. Besides, you talked to Daniel."
Amaya: "That's different. Daniel's dead. It's just a spirit."
Solo: "So what about Ronnie?"
Amaya: "Ronnie is alive, but his social life is dead. That's the similarity."
Ronnie: "We're unhello now."
Amaya: "Fine, but if we're splitting the team, I call dibs on dragging Alexander with me. He can heal hit points."
Ronnie: "That means I'm with you, racecar!" :D
Solo: "...wait."

Alexander: "Why do you want me along? Am I to bless their home from ill spirits?"
Amaya: "In a way... offer some comforting words to the family. It'll break the ice so we can interview the sister."
Alexander: "How shall I word my service for the family?"
Solo: "Satan be gone!"
Amaya: "You know, I don't actually worship Satan."
Ronnie: "Says the goth girl with the Ouija board."
Amaya: *Chucks Ouija board - Nat 20*

Amaya: "I push the intercom button at the gate."
Speaker: "Can I help you?"
Solo: "Satan be gone!"
Amaya: "You keep using that phrase. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Butler: "Ma'am, your boiling oil and kangaroo are ready."

Erik: "I do like how I said things I would say, even though I wasn't there. Ever."

Solo: "Greetings madam. We're here to ask you a few questions about your relationship with Daniel."
Ronnie: "Were you banging the kid or what?"
Solo: "Ronnie, what's your IQ?"
Ronnie: "Dunno, I failed that test."
Solo: "It's supposed to gauge where you at, not what you at... at it..."
Erik: "I see the IQ test doesn't measure mastery of the English language."

GM: "Does the group do anything while they wait for the registrar?"
Solo: "I could check some leads in the girl's dorm rooms on campus."
Erik: "How old are you again?"
GM: "Solo, you age. Add a 1 in front of your current age."
Amaya: "So what, he's like 14 now?"

Solo: "Hey boss, we have a suspect and we're going to pick him up now."
Jimmy: "Excellent! I'll meet you at the station."
Amaya: "What's the suspect's name?"
Solo: "Hunter Grantskill."
Erik: "Hunter... Grants... kill..."
Amaya: "His parents must have loooved him as a child."

Solo: "I go up to the door and knock. Hello, Hunter Grantskill? This is the FBI."
GM: *Plays creepy Silent Hill 2 music*
Ronnie: "We're boned."

Solo: "Does the dwarf own a gun?"
Amaya: "Please say no, please say no, please say no..."
GM: "He has a license! And a hunting rifle!"
Ronnie: "Hello, boned status confirmed."

Clerk: "Can I ask why I'm being asked these questions?"
Solo: "I show him my badge."
Amaya: "We're from the government."
Ronnie: "We're here to help ourselves."

Solo: "Are we attracting attention?"
Amaya: "We've got four agents wandering around looking for a dwarf. One's jailbait, one's flashing a badge on a gold chain, and you're utilizing the cleric to sniff for alignments."
Alexander: *Sniff* "Hmmm... Chaotic Neutral."

Sith_Happens
2014-06-05, 11:40 AM
Yep. :smallsmile:

...Specifically, Urban Arcana. I had a feeling, but the only actual hint at such in the first batch of quotes was the repeated use of the word "dwarf" and those exist in real life.

Janus
2014-06-05, 02:31 PM
PALADIN: I'm not going to hell with you, bud.
ENEMY: I'll drag you down with me!
PALADIN: :smallannoyed: It totally doesn't work like that. Seriously, read a Bible!

---

PALADIN: If you want to meet God or the devil, I can arrange a meeting.

---

NPC: Well, I have this book here that says-
PALADIN: :smallmad: What is this!? Look, at least spell words in a consistent manner!
NPC: A man is not literate unless he can spell a word in at least four ways.
PALADIN: :smallfurious: THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!

Lakaz
2014-06-05, 04:50 PM
From my GW2 roleplaying group. I've got permission from most of them to post these and the rest have left and i can't contact them. Anyways, on with the quotes!

Thranden: "Swimming? In heavy armor? I dunno..."
Koren: "You have a rebreather, right? So sink to the bottom and walk."

Koren: "Yeah, us blood legion soldiers are good at drinking. It's- Dare i make the pun? It's in our blood".

Koren: "DAMMIT! Stop shooting teammates! You'll break my record for teamkilling."

Canterbane: "Okay, in the chest is... A few gold coins, a broken sword, a book, and somebodies ribcage"
Kee: "Dibs on the ribcage!"
Renali: "Dammit, i wanted the ribcage." *Pouts* "It'd make a good toy for my cubs."

Garruul: "So, how do you feel about killing the unkillable?"
Koren: "I prefer running away from the unkillable until i can find a tank"

Koren: "I shoot the flame legion soldier in the gut"
Random flame soldier: "I cauterise the wound with fire magic. HAH!"
Koren: "So... How exactly are you planning to get the bullet out then? Or to cure your now ruptured stomach?"
Random flame soldier: "Uh... Well damn."

Fencer: "Either you tell me what's going on, right now, or you take this gun and shoot me".
Koren: *Pause to think* "I shoot Fencer."

Erika: "But... how do i know this medicine doesn't contain any poision? Or anything i'm allergic to? Or drugs? Or..."
Irak: "It's a sugar pill. It doesn't contain ANYTHING"
Erika: "Wait, what?"
Irak: "It's a placebo, Erika."

Thrallclaw: "LEEEROOOOOY JEEENKIIINS!"
Kerath: "Wrong game, idiot. This isn't WoW"
Thrallclaw: "Oh, right. THRAAALCLLAAAAW NOOOOLASTNAME!"

Irak: "Irak takes the magenta potion and pours it carefully into the bowl, then pouring in the Cyan dust along with it and stirring gently for a moment"
Saphiir: "...Is he mixing printer paints?"

*Koren walks in*
Canterbane: "So when do we tell Koren?"
Koren: "Tell me what?"
All: "NOTHING!"

Xaroth
2014-06-06, 12:21 AM
Austin: I wish Dante had legs that were perfect for his size, perfect for his race, his stature, his physical attributes, everything. I wish for him to have a set of legs perfect for him and in perfect condition.
DM: The Djinni rips Trev's legs off and attaches them to Dante.

Martin Greywolf
2014-06-06, 03:20 AM
A bit of context, since this is alternate Avatar-verse, Ty Lee, Mai and Lu Ten all went through a gender bender.

Ursa: Is there any way I can thank you?
Nameless: Well, can you transfer an obscenely large sum to my bank account?

<Mai and Ty Lee go out of the forest hand in hand>
Nameless: I so don't want to know.

Ty Lee: You have been taking the airship out quite a lot. <snicker>
Nameless: I'll have you know I was testing the stabilizers, the damn thing wobbles too much.
Mai and Ty Lee: <smirk>
Nameless: ...stress testing, even.

Grenade: Oi! Nutter!
Nameless: Did my grenade just insult me?

Grenade: YOLO!
Nameless: I like this one.

Grenade: <in Portal turret voice> Hello. Are you still there?
Nameless: Huh.That's interesting.
Grenade: There you are. I love you, child. <starts bouncing away>
Ursa: Is it... is it actually going to find a child?
Nameless: ...I hope not.


Grenade: <explodes silently, smell of whiskey fills the air>
Nameless: I'm keeping this one for the parties.

Lakaz
2014-06-06, 07:06 PM
Another pair from me, in a Call Of Cthulhu campaign.

"HELP! The professor's turned into tentacles and he's eaten the priest!"
and
"Yeah, turns out that nuking Cthulhu only made him angry and radioactive. And able to shoot lasers from his eyes."

Ninjaxenomorph
2014-06-06, 07:35 PM
"See, you SAY the Promethean is dealable, but you're not here, dealing with it!"

GPuzzle
2014-06-06, 09:38 PM
PC1: "Cthulhu is the god of what, exactly?"
PC2: "Madness, fear, destruction and tentacle porn."
PC1: "Great, Cthulhu is a mixture between Jack the Ripper, Aquaman and an otaku."

GM: "You walk into the ice ring and you see the Cold War happening."
PC1 and PC2: "What?!"
GM: "USA and USSR are looking at eachother with the Kill Bill soundtrack going on in the background with ice skates on their feet."
PC1 and PC2: *facepalm*
PC3: *headdesk*
PC4: *starts making the Kill Bill soundtrack with his mouth*
PC5: *makes a quick Hetalia sketch depicting the scene*

Loxagn
2014-06-07, 08:03 AM
"Spring Break. Awesome. Let's see how many livers I can kill in one week."

DigoDragon
2014-06-07, 08:58 AM
OPRI Quotes~


Amaya: "We could flush out the dwarf if we had giant speakers, the SWAT team, a sound system, and Sam Donaldson."
Alexander: "How does that work?"
Amaya: "Cue in Mr. Donaldson."
Donaldson: *flat singing* "I am getting jiggy with it."
SWAT: *Blasts generic bass tune*
Donaldson: *flat singing* "I am getting jiggy with it."
SWAT: *Blasts generic bass tune*
GM: "Alright, alright! I surrender, you win the game! Just shut the man up!"
Donaldson: "I am getting jiggy with it."
Solo: "Someone shoot Mr. Donaldson."
SWAT: *Blam!*
Solo: "Thank you."

Solo: "Amaya, what time do you usually escape the day star?"
Amaya: "Uh, sunset? You know, when the day star leaves?"
Solo: "Yes, and you should know that time right down to the micron."
GM: "Interesting since microns aren't a measurement of time."

Amaya: "I'm going across the street to buy a bathing suit-"
Men in Party: :smallbiggrin:
Amaya: "-a modest bathing suit."
Men in Party: :smallfrown:

Amaya: "I like how the background music died when you stuttered."
GM: "Yeah, I'm used to it at work."
Alexander: "You listen to Silent Hill music at work?"
GM: "No, not specifically this soundtrack. I have a different pay list, I mean prayer list- gah!"
Alexander: "I have the prayer wrist, I mean list."
GM: "Gawd, we can't speak tonight."

Alexander: "I jot down the license plate number."
GM: "Okay, you jot down 'LOST TAG' from the napkin taped to the bumper."
Alexander: "I wonder how long that's been like that?"
GM: "The back of the napkin has the date August, 1989."
Amaya: "Wait, what?"
Solo: "I should steal that idea."

GM: "Rental cars come in all sorts of colors in Colorado. Mountaintop White, Rustic Brown, John Denver Ash."

Solo: *Calling Amaya* "Amaya, anything happening at the pool?"
Amaya: "No, it's quiet here."
Swimmer: "CANNONBALL!" *Splashes Amaya*
Amaya: "Relatively."
Onlooker: "Hey babe, wanna come back to my room?"
Amaya: "Screw off."
Onlooker: "That's what I'm trying to do."
Amaya: *Growls*
Solo: "Dispatch, send an ambulance. We're about to have a 3rd degree drowning at the pool."

7-11 Store Clerk: "Hello police? I got a cleric with binoculars in my store. I think he's looking for a school bus."

GM: "Amaya, you see him."
Amaya: "Where?"
GM: *Already took a bite of food* *Points at random parts of his face*
Amaya: "So... around the molars?"
GM: *Chewing* "Sowwy, didn't want to spway food evewywhere."
Alexander: "It's a molar imperative."
GM: "Alex, lose a level. Amaya, your clothes dissolve."
Amaya: "Eeep!" *Covers herself with a towel*
GM: "Your skin also dissolves."
Amaya: "...eww?"
GM: "The world dissolves. The show is over."
Amaya: "Damn, now I won't know who shot J.R."
GM: "You did."
Alexander: "In the hall."
Solo: "With the revolver."
Amaya: "And now I'm going to go home to sleep with my wife."
Everyone: *A cappella sings Shake, Rattle, and Roll*

Alexander: "Maybe we could contact news media and say we call off the search for dwarf?"
Solo: "Except Fox news is interviewing him. He's writing a book."
Dwarf: "If I Did It."

Alexander: "Where's Erik?"
GM: "On the 17th floor."
Alexander: "In a two-story building? Why?"
Solo: "Because there's no 18th floor."

Amaya: "So now we're a man in a three-piece suit, a cleric in a habit, and a girl in a two-piece bikini knocking on this guy's door."
GM: "Wait, you didn't change back into your normal clothes?"
Amaya: "No, I didn't have the time because the GM yanked me away from the party too quickly.
Ronnie: "Hello, I think I saw this on an episode of Hawaii-5-0."
Alexander: "So which character am I?"
Ronnie: "Um... honestly, I only remember the bikini part."

GM: "Alexander, Amaya, roll your investigate skill."
Amaya: "26"
Alexander: "29"
GM: "I'm sorry, you both overbid."
Solo: "Yodelleehoo!"

GM: "Everyone, roll Initiative!"
Solo: "Five."
Amaya: "Twenty-one!"
Alexander: "You think you can go before me? The great Alexander of Russia? I am the fastest-"
GM: "What roll did you get?"
Alexander: "...Fourteen."
Amaya: "Not 'Russian' as fast as you thought you were."

Ronnie: *Fast-draws his Magnum*
Solo: *Fast-draws his Python*
Alexander: *Fast-draws his Ruger*
Amaya: *Pulls out... her cell phone*
Ronnie: "Well, that's like bringing a knife to a gun fight. And your knife is in jpeg format."

Alexander: "I am a man of Pelor! You-"
Dwarf: *Shoots holy symbol out of Alexander's hand*
Alexander: "-Are on your own."

Solo: "Brandon's down! We're pinned out back."
Alexander: *Smashes through a window, grabs Brandon, and yanks him inside to safety*
GM: "Solo, you see the surrogate hand of Pelor reach out and claim Brandon."

Solo: "I jump into the window for cover."
GM:" Roll Dexterity since the blinds are closed."
Solo: "Four."
GM: "You crash into Ronnie jumping in and you both tumble to the floor."
Ronnie: "Hello, I'm not your type! You got face on my suit!"
Solo: "You got suit on my face!"
Amaya: "NO ONE finish this quote."

Amaya: "I'm running for the first floor."
GM: "And then what do you do?"
Amaya: "I don't know. I don't have a gun so I'm pretty useless right now."
Alexander: "We can get Ronnie to throw Amaya like a javelin."
Ronnie: "Hello, best plan ever!" *Starts rolling dice*
Amaya: "...what?"

Amaya: *Deadpan* "Dispatch, we're being shot at. We, the FBI. Geting. Shot. At. A lot. By a dwarf with a rifle. I don't know how you do things in Denver, but back in DC every officer on staff would be gunning down this sniper in five seconds. You might want to follow that example."
GM: *Staring at his nots for a proper reply*
Amaya: "Yes, I'll hold."

GM: "I can't... book."

Solo: "I'm running the shorter way around the balcony back to the dwarf's side."
Amaya: "I peek out the stairwell."
GM: "The Dwarf is on the roof. He's trying to gun down Jimmy running on the second floor balcony."
Ronnie: "Poking out the window. HELLO!" *Double-tap shot*
Amaya: "Screw it, I'm running the hall to the other side."
Solo: "So how did this fight turn into Hogan's Alley?"

Solo: "Can anyone roll higher than a 6 to hit the dwarf on the roof? Look, I just rolled an... 11."
GM: "Miss again."
Amaya: "Stop acting defensively. I've noticed we're doing better when we take risks."
Solo: *Tosses the dice in frustration*
Dice: *Rolls an 18 and 20*
Solo: "Where were you last action?!"

Dwarf: *Reloads*
Amaya: "I summon two doves. Just shoot him, Solo. Both barrels!"
Solo: *Fires both handguns and rolls a hit and critical hit*
Dwarf: "Ack!" *Drops the rifle, but tries to crawl away*
Ronnie: "Hello, you should take your rifle's advice and just..." *Axe-kick to the head*
Dwarf: *Is down for the count*
Ronnie: "...drop."

Kid Jake
2014-06-07, 03:27 PM
Fanboy: "That depends...what was the worst thing that you heard?"
Parks: "Probably the part where a tree monster called me out by name on television in front of the whole world as the reason he murdered three hundred people and burned down half the city."
Fanboy: "Yeah...I thought that would be your least favorite part."

Fanboy: "Sorry about your job man. You know, I bet my dad could find you something if I asked him."
Roger McCrow: "I don't need your charity!" *hurls fruit cup at Fanboy*

Roger McCrow: "You know, your husband only died because the killer was looking for you."
*widow cries*
Roger McCrow: "Just think, if we'd done things your way your children would all be dead too."
*widow sobs louder*
Roger McCrow: "I'm not one to say I told you so, but it seems like someone owes old McCrow a 'Thanks for kidnapping me.'"
*widow breaks down and her kids start poking around the room to see what's the matter*
Roger McCrow: "Well, I'm gonna take off. Nothing kills the mood like kids."

Agent Parks: "Look, I know that you're in a spot and you lost your home; how about I set you up in a DHS safehouse until you're on your feet?"
Roger McCrow: "I don't need your charity!" *hurls phone against a brick wall*

Roger McCrow: "Hey buddy, I can relate. My first wife left me because she said I was never there for her too. Actually so did my second wife. My third wife though, well she was just a bitch. But my-"
Fanboy: "What he's trying to say Dan, is that so long as you're not him it's not too late."

Chavenski: "The hell happened to me? Where's that fat Italian?"
Fanboy: "Don't worry about Depaliamo, he's in a deep, dark hole."
Chavenski: "Ah, you killed the prick. Very good."
Fanboy: "No...we're just keeping him in a deep, dark hole."

Sartharina
2014-06-07, 06:25 PM
you keep putting too much context with your quotes, kidjake!

Kid Jake
2014-06-07, 06:40 PM
you keep putting too much context with your quotes, kidjake!

Yeah, I'm basically just copying and pasting some of them. I'll whittle them down.

Prince Raven
2014-06-07, 08:50 PM
I feel like convincing my group to go play-by-post instead of using Skype so I don't have to try to remember any funny quotes.

Kid Jake
2014-06-07, 09:10 PM
I feel like convincing my group to go play-by-post instead of using Skype so I don't have to try to remember any funny quotes.

We play in person, I just take notes for the Journal.

golentan
2014-06-08, 01:03 AM
"If you want this to end, you'd better make damn sure I'm dead before I hit the ground. Because if I'm still alive, I'm coming for your ankles, mother****er."

Dunsparce
2014-06-08, 03:11 PM
DM: Roll spot checks
Everyone: *rolls*
DM: (Doesn't bother to look at the results) The Fighters were lasagna all along!

kopout
2014-06-08, 10:15 PM
some from last time

P1: Oh good, you have a plan. I was afraid we'd have to burn down the whole town.
P3: That's plan B

P1:Can we trust this guy?
Gm: Well, on the one hand Paladin, on the other hand lawyer

P4: so the tengu in the closet was a secret!?
P1(ooc):He was closeted

ZeroGear
2014-06-08, 10:43 PM
A few from my new campaign.

"Maybe those are former skinchanger test subjects."

"They're mules, their inbreed"

"It would take me too ling to steal his soul and not yours as well."

"I skewer him with the rapier that's piercing his friend's body."

"Am I going to have to make a reflex save vs. falling cow?"

"I call my horse, she's called 'Murder Princess'."

"My horse is better at my job than I am."

"I'm looking though the goblin's junk... that came out incredibly wrong."

"Like ding doing ditch, but with fire and death!"

"Is the murder giving her the energy for the murder? Because that seems to be the case."

DigoDragon
2014-06-09, 07:50 AM
Another trunk of quotes for fun~


GM: "Is everything okay on that side of the table?"
Amaya: "Yeah, just helping Solo relearn math. His decimal was off."
Solo: "I love my decimal, it makes my math so exciting. Especially with bills."

GM: "And Cassie earns 3/4ths of an experience point."
Amaya: "Kudos, considering she's not a character in this campaign."
GM: "I'm sure she'll complain about that."
Alexander: "Complain about earning a free fractional experience point for not even appearing in this adventure?"
Solo: "Decimal."

Alexander: "Huh, there's apparently two skills I didn't add on my homemade sheet."
Amaya: "Proof-Reading being one of them."

GM: "Alexander, roll your wealth check. I'm sure you'd like to be paid for your work."
Amaya: "Watch him roll a 1."
Solo: "He earns 1,000... Rubles."

GM: "The paramedics arrive. It's easy to figure out who's the injured one, so they take Ronnie away in a straitjacket."
Ronnie: "Hello, what are you doing?!"
Paramedic: *Administers morphine*
Ronnie: "Ooh... keep that coming."

Solo: "Wait, so Ronnie gets taken away in an ambulance and then the actual paramedics show up? So who was the first group that arrived?"

Amaya: "If you fail to find thumbs on a duck, try not to act surprised."

Solo: "My problem looking at my Dossier is that I only have 3 'Attaboys' to balance against the 3 'Oh Boys' on there. So with this new 'Oh Boy' on my record I need to quickly make a new 'Attaboy' before the 4th 'Oh Boy' turns into an 'Oh Crap'."

Alexander: "I'll check up on the kid... wait, the physician is undoubtedly not done with him yet."
Physician: "Can't you wait until he's dead before Last Rites?!"

Amaya: "You know, Brandon could have been considered suicidal. He was out to kill the dwarf himself and we know the dwarf was armed while Brandon was not. Therefore, Solo's gamble to have Brandon with us when he was shot as opposed to Brandon getting shot on his own in a way saved the boy's life. How's that for your 4th 'Attaboy'?"
Solo: "That's a nice cover story, but really I'm-"
Amaya: "You're going to shut up now is what you're going to do."
Solo: "I can't just let this go-"
Amaya: "Yes you can."
Solo: "No I can't."
Amaya: "Yes."
Solo: "No."
Amaya: "Yes."

GM: "After Jimmy goes to talk to Brandon... I forget what comes next."

Solo: "What's the last thing you remember going through your head?"
Brandon: "A 30-06 you idiot!"

Solo: "Meanwhile our dwarf is tenderly having his wounds cleaned by nurses."
Amaya: "Hopefully with lighter fluid."
Jimmy: "Now now, that's not becoming an agent of the law."
Ronnie: "Hello, burning means it's working. The convulsions alone show pop that bullet right out of him."
Solo: "The nurses will then tape the bullet to his forehead-"
Amaya: "-And then throw the dwarf into a running MRI."
Jimmy: "... ..."
Solo: "Not sure what happened boss, he suddenly got shot in the head during a CT scan."

GM: "The next morning everyone has their coffee. Except for Amaya who's being forced to drink a Capri sun."
Amaya: "Why am I being punished?"
GM: "Because you're evil."

Peanut Gallery: "A meat stick called The Matador?"
Ronnie: "Hahaha... triple entrandre'!"

FBI Director: "Solo, what's that?"
Solo: "A Hanna Montana camera."
FBI Director: "This is a federal organization. With suits. And ties. And guns. Why did your purchase something that frames the evidence in Hanna's mugshot?"
Solo: "Well I wanted the Disney camera, but I doubt CSI would believe that the crime scene was cause by Maleficent."

Amaya: "I think we need more cases to keep the scientists busy."
Alexander: "What was your first clue, that they were trying to reenact experiments done by Bunsen Honeydew?"
GM: "Mi me mii!" *Explosion*

Amaya: "I wonder what our next case will involve."
Ronnie: "Hello, I hope it's Bat Boy! I owe him a kick in the teeth!"
Amaya: "Why do you owe him that?"
Ronnie: "Hello, everyone deserves a kick in the teeth."
Solo: "So how do you kick yourself in the teeth?"
Ronnie: "I don't bother. It'll probably hurt."

GM: "Well I... Um, excuse me, buffering..."

Jimmy: "Okay, let me get some directions."
Amaya: "You take the blue road north about 60 miles..."
Solo: "That's a river."

Solo: "It looks like the Tower of Sauron meets Castle Grayskull."
Alexander: "Meets Speed Racer."

GM: "Anyone do anything before bed?"
Amaya: "No, gonna sleep off the jet lag."
GM: "You know, jet lag usually involves crossing time zones, not driving from DC to Jersey at 88 mph."
Amaya: "Tell that to my stomach."
GM: "Still stuck on the Beltway?"
Amaya: "Well it's definitely moving in circles."

Alexander: "So two guys per room and the odd girl gets her own room."
Amaya: "Haha, I'm the odd girl... wait."

GM: "It's a mono-molecular vibrating bed."

GM: "This is not a very active town."
Amaya: "Good, our damage should go relatively unnoticed."

Lakaz
2014-06-09, 11:06 AM
More from GW2

Numinarus: "I don't trust him, is all"
Koren: "Why not? He's friendly enough, he's done nothing but help me"
Numinarus: "Last time we met he stabbed two of my soldiers, garroted another one with sausage links somehow, then walked into the officers lounge and asked for a cup of tea!"
Koren: "See? He's awesome! Totally trustworthy!"

Koren: "So, you blessed my cub... what exactly will that do, again?"
Shen: "Well, think Wilbur Whately, and you're pretty close"

Koren: "So, on the one hand, he's a jerk and we should ignore him. On the other hand, usually he's given us good advice in the past... On the third hand, he DID staple me to a mountain and set me on fire. And of course, on the fourth hand, why the hell do i have so many hands?"

Koren: "I glare at the pidgeon, making it very clear that i am keeping my eye on it so it shouldn't try any funny business".

Irak: "I think i've ascertained the cause of death! The patient must have dued due to this gaping hole in his chest!"

Shen: "All crazy people like Coffee. It's a fundamental law of the universe"

SickBritKid
2014-06-09, 03:56 PM
My Ranger: Crap, I botched my dialogue!

SickBritKid
2014-06-09, 04:11 PM
DM: The Ghost has a nosebleed after looking at her.

SickBritKid
2014-06-09, 05:19 PM
Me: We pack [the beguiler's] hole.

Sith_Happens
2014-06-09, 05:53 PM
"So [Cleric] just saw the Mirror Gate [from The Neverending Story]?"

DM: "It is the source of magic in the world."
Player 1: "And you had to call it 'The Rift.' You do know what else a 'rift' means, right?"
Player 2: "A big crack in the ground."
Player 1: "Or..."
Player 2: "A big crack in the planes."
Player 1: "Or..."
Player 2: "A big crack."
Player 3: *rimshot*

PC 1: "What is your name?"
NPC: "You can call me Tillinghast."
PC 2: "Tilling ass?"

"Yes, this is an indoor theater."
"Oh, I thought we were outside and that that was literally the fourth wall cracking."

DM: "She's about a four."
Player: "A four? That's like mediocre."
DM: *holds up a d20* "A four."

Female NPC [to PC 1]: "That's too bad, I was looking forward to another sword in my sheath."
PC 2: "I thought you just said you didn't want any of this stuff?"
NPC: "Not the gnoll weapons, no."
PC 2: "I guess most of them are pretty shabby, I take your point."
NPC: "I hope your sword isn't shabby."
PC 2: *looks confused* "You've seen it, you know it isn't."

Player: "I'm pretending that [my character]'s educated."

DM: "You find a note saying that [ghost NPC] has declined your offer to come with you."
Player: "Darn, between the super-fast Rejuvenation and fully-corporeal Manifestation he could have been our trapfinder."

Dimers
2014-06-10, 05:07 AM
"What we're doing is poetic INjustice."

"Oh, right, last week when you were away, I acquired a mime and created a coffee empire. Sorry, I forgot."

bulbaquil
2014-06-10, 05:43 AM
P5: "Yeah, and you know what else can put kinetic energy into water? Stick a fire under it."

P1: "I found the penny, but I dropped the benny."

P2: "I have a job for you, Nick."
P1: "Nicho-las." (character name)
P2: "Yes, Nicholas. This will give you a nickel more."
P3: "What's a 'nickel'?"
GM: "Five-copper coin."

DigoDragon
2014-06-11, 08:17 AM
Cassie: "I'll have to revise my original opinion. This game is a mix of The X-Files, The Island of Doctor Moreau, and The Benny Hill Show."
Solo: "Benny Hill Show? I haven't seen one scantly clad lady yet and no one has been set on fire."
Ronnie: "Hello, I can correct that oversight. I'll even throw in a gorilla for completeness."

MOAR quotes here~


Secretary: "They needed a special Visa to re-enter the country."
Solo: "Border patrol let them in with food?"
Jimmy: "They didn't have food with them."
Solo: "So what do you call the cow?"
Amaya: "Leather armor?"

Solo: "Well that's because Britney Spears gave away the Loknar."

Solo: "So what are the people of this area like?"
Local FBI Agent: "What do you mean?"
Amaya: "If you had to stereotype this town, what would you call them?"
Local FBI Agent: "Like... I guess simple people... salt of the Earth folk."
Amaya: "Ah, morons."

Ronnie: "Hello, there's a gun show coming to this podunk village."
Solo: "Really? Well that sounds like fun."
Ronnie: "Hello, you seen Jaws? Hundreds of armed people tearing this town down to hunt a monster? That's going to make our job difficult, racecar."
Solo: "Buy a gun, shoot a monster, get a free knife. Perfect advertisement right there."

Solo: "I wasn't kidding that northern New Jersey is notorious for growing local militias."
GM: "Yes, but you're in southern New Jersey."
Solo: "Then we're in New York mafia territory."
GM: "And what would the New York mafia be doing in southern New Jersey?"
Solo: "Anything they want."

Farmer: "Damn it, my hip exploded. Again."

GM: "You see someone on a tractor out on the field."
Amaya: "Anyone got a flare gun to signal him?"
Ronnie: "Hello, out of flares. Used the last ones at the office party."
Amaya: "Sigh, guess I'll just wave and get his attention."
Solo: "Is he even going to notice you from way out there?"
Amaya: *Bounces up and down 3 times, waving*
Farmer: *Jumps off the tractor and comes running*
Solo: "Lowest. Common. Denominator."

Amaya: "I tried sketching the Jersey Devil based on the description the farmer gave me, but I rolled so low on my Art skill that the sketch looks more like Danny Devito without skin."

Solo: "What became of the dead livestock this creature killed?"
Another Farmer: "Uh... I'm blanking on the name of the company that took the bodies away for processing."
Amaya: "Oscar Meyer?"

Jimmy: "Thanks Solo, now I have the mental image of Kanga from Winnie the Pooh hunched over Rabbit's body, eating his innards."

Yet Another Farmer: "Oh, and this is going to sound really weird but... I think that creature had wings."
Solo: "Any better with that drawing, Amaya?"
Amaya: "No, now it looks like Danny Devito in a party hat. With wings."
Ronnie: *Draws the creature holding a slice of cake*

Solo: "Be careful in the woods, it's prime hunting grounds."
Ronnie: "Hello, I think we'll be okay."
Solo: "If this were a flasher flick, then between the idiot, the cleric, and the little girl, Amaya would have the only chance of surviving."
Amaya: *Non-plussed* "...yay."

Dudley Doright: "I'll stop you, foul venison!"

Amaya: "Are we lost?"
Alexander: "We're not lost."
GM: "You step out of the woods into Hawaii."
Alexander: "...okay, maybe we're lost."
Amaya: "You don't say."
Alexander: "Perhaps if we double back-track through the moon..."

Ronnie: "Hello, anything left of the morning paper?"
Amaya: "I give Ronnie the comics."
Ronnie: "Hello, they're still publishing Garfield?"
Amaya: "Just pretend Garfield isn't there. It get's funnier."
Ronnie: "...criminy, you're right!"

Solo: "A gun show... this is the perfect place for the Feds to show up."

Vendor: "Hey there, lass. You interested in anything?"
Amaya: "I'd like to buy a compass and a cheap pair of binoculars."
Vendor: "You going on a camping trip with your folks?"
Amaya: "...You could say that."
Vendor: "You don't look like the camping type, lass."
Amaya: "I'm not a lot of types."

Other Vendor: "These half-a-pair of binoculars have a magnification rating of x1."
Solo: "That's a monocle, you moron!"

Amaya: "Research, I has that skill somewhere."
Ronnie: "Don't be a lolcat."
Amaya: *Rolls a 1*
GM: "You find information on the Strong Nuclear Force and it's role within String Theory."
Amaya: "Great, except I was googling the Jersey Devil."

Erik: "Here, I'll roll research." *Rolls a 19*
Amaya: "I knew we kept him around for something other than his looks."

GM: "In ancient Latin, stromboli started with an 'I'?"

Solo: "Okay, did we buy some food to stall the Chupacabra?"
Amaya: "What, Chupacabra chow? An orange box with a little smiling Disney-fied Chupacabra on it, fortified with Vitamin C? Oink flavored?"
Erik: "I like how it's flavored after a sound. But wouldn't the food need to be for the Jersey Devil and not the Chupucabra?"
Ronnie: "Hello, what's the difference?"
Erik: "Well the Jersey Devil is oddly enough from Jersey. The Chupucabra is more a Southwestern US thing."
Amaya: "I don't know, I was just repeating what Solo said."
Ronnie: "Hello, racecar says a lot of things. Don't repeat them, you're too nice of a lady to spew that bunk."
Amaya: "Aww, why thank you."
Solo: "It's too bad Ronnie stole that line from me."

Solo: "I walk up to the receptionist. Is she wearing a redding wing?"
GM: "You mean wedding ring?"
Solo: "Sure, that too."

Amaya: "Do you even know her species?"
Solo: "No, I checked her for gender, age, and wedding ring. She's met my 3 qualifications for dating."

Ronnie: "Hello, my idiot-sense is tingling."

GM: "You see a bit of fur up on a high branch, like it got caught when an animal brushed by it."
Solo: From what, a low-flying moose?"
Amaya: "Well, I'm small and agile. I think I can climb up and reach it."
GM: "Roll a Climbing check."
Amaya: *Rolls a 1* "Moo! I'm a kitty cat!!"

Amaya: "Someone give me a leg up."
Solo: "I'll help you up."
Amaya: "Okay, and no one look up my skirt when I'm climbing or I swear I'll kick your face off."
Solo: "I wonder..."
Ronnie: "No racecar, don't wonder. It's not worth becoming Mr. Potatohead."

GM: "And Alexander takes a turn to the SouthNorth..."

Amaya: "Like what, a double-decker deer?"

Jormengand
2014-06-11, 10:29 AM
All right, campaign quotes, featuring Tybus the wizard, Gerald the Great the fighter, Arca the ranger, and Erum the rogue.

Tybus: Hey! Don't move! If you move I'll run away.
Arca: Oh yeah... dammit, stop being afraid!

Me: All right, I know we're in combat but we'll fast-forward six rounds until all the colour sprays have worn off.

Me: So... what do you have prepared?
Tybus: I have... Light!
Me: *Sigh*
Tybus: Can I use it on Gerald's shield to blind the wolf things?
Me: No!

Erum: I try to intimidate the cultist! *Rolls 4*
Me: The cultist is unimpressed.
Erum: I try harder! *Rolls 6*
Me: The cultist raises an eyebrow.
Erum: Oh come on! *Rolls 18*
Me: The cultist looks suitably scared.
Erum: Yay!
Me: So... what do you ask him?
Erum: Huh?
Me: I assume you were intimidating him for a reason, right?
Erum: Uh...
Gerald: Yeah, we want to know about the Cult of the Apocalypse's evil plans!
*Cultist tells them*
Tybus: We want to join the cult of the Apocalypse!
Me: ...Really?
Tybus: Yeah, of course!
Me: *Sigh.*

Buddha's_Cookie
2014-06-11, 10:29 AM
DM: A druid walks out with a pair of mallards, "Ok, I am ready for time travel." (For those that don't get it check the spoiler)
Time pair of ducks. Aka time paradox

Sith_Happens
2014-06-11, 02:19 PM
Hey Digo, there wouldn't happen to be significant (like, 100%) overlap between this Urban Arcana group and your Shadowrun group, would there? Because the banter literally hits all the same notes.


Amaya: "If you had to stereotype this town, what would you call them?"

Best line.


Me: All right, I know we're in combat but we'll fast-forward six rounds until all the colour sprays have worn off.

Heh, I remember my first Color Spray...

Lakaz
2014-06-11, 03:37 PM
Usually i'd endeavour to give you several at once, but i HAD to tell you this one.

Pc1: Care to tell me why you're sleeping with that hooker?
Pc2: REVEEEENGE!

bulbaquil
2014-06-11, 07:17 PM
Heh, I remember my first Color Spray...

The page with Color Spray's spell effect description and the page where illusion (pattern) spells in general are described have a special tab attached to it in my Core Rulebook copy on account of Color Spray shenanigans.

ZeroGear
2014-06-12, 12:43 AM
Ok, Dingo, I've been wondering this for a while:
Why does Ronnie keep saying 'Hello' as the start of his sentences?

Sith_Happens
2014-06-12, 02:14 AM
Ok, Dingo, I've been wondering this for a while:
Why does Ronnie keep saying 'Hello' as the start of his sentences?

Because he's secretly an anime character?

DigoDragon
2014-06-12, 06:42 AM
Hey Digo, there wouldn't happen to be significant (like, 100%) overlap between this Urban Arcana group and your Shadowrun group, would there?

The UA game is older than the Shadowrun game, but all the players in the UA game did take part in Shadowrun:
Ronnie and Super Joe were played by the same player. Solo played Fox and later Danny. The GM for the UA game played as Ian in the Shadowrun game. Alexander's player would go on to become Henry in Shadowrun.



Why does Ronnie keep saying 'Hello' as the start of his sentences?

Because he's secretly an anime character?

Ronnie was copied from the character Ronnie Cordova of the Doug TenNapel series Sockbaby (http://www.sockbaby.com/). The catchphrase 'Hello' is sort of like a verbal tic for him, and something that Ronnie's player was really good at emulating. The player was very animated and I do miss him a bit. I think he was one of my best players because he loved to act out his RPing at the table.

Sith_Happens
2014-06-12, 10:02 PM
Player 1: "My dire wolf has been shipped."
Player 2: "With who, or what? My money's on the Shield Guardian."

PC 1: "I sing you the song my people for three days."
PC 2: "And what is the song of your people?"
PC 1: *incomprehensible screeching*
PC 2: "I you don't stop that right now I'll kill you and take your skin as a prize."
Player 3 [over Skype]: "What was that? All I heard was 'I'm going to take [PC 1] as a bride.'"
Player 1: "Well I ship it."

Player 1: "In 20 minutes someone's going to have to pick up the pizza."
Player 2: "Nose-goes." *puts finger on nose*
DM: *follows suit*
Player 2: [To Player 3, whispering] "Quick, do it."
Player 3: *does it*
DM: [To Player 4, not in room] "[Player 4], you're getting the pizza!"
Player 4: "No I'm not! ...Okay."

"They are Stone Age dinosaurs."
"So, dinosaurs."

PC: "If you have a problem, then maybe you can deal with your [legendary] eagle problem."
NPC: "I already tried."
DM: "He turns around and shows you a collection of scars on his ass."
Player: "The eagle raped him!?"
DM: "No, it tried to carry him off by his tail. You have a dirty mind."

"I thumbs up with one of my talons."
"Don't you have hands?"
"So?"

PC 1: "I look at the camera and sigh."
DM: "The camera?"
Player 2: "Yes, the camera. He's giving an aside glance."
PC 3: "Can I see the cameraman?"
DM: "Yes. Also the guy with the boom mike. They're filming a documentary."
PC 3: "I wave at them."

DM: "The eagle begins to cry."
Player: "It doesn't have tear glands."
DM: "Exactly."

"Everyone was swore at. In several languages, because I'm multilingual."

Necroticplague
2014-06-13, 12:48 AM
Maya:How does a grunt like you manage to keep getting vortex grenades?
Kreig: One farsighted quartermaster plus one apathetic guy in charge of the armory. Not sure why the armory even has these, though.
Maya: So your going to, essentially, keep stealing vortex grenades until the person they're supposed to go to comes looking.
Kreig:Oh, if you think vortex grenades are the only thing I'm getting out of this, you clearly haven't paid attention to my mentality.
Maya: You see, it's things like this that make my forehead itch badly
Kreig: And that's why one of the other things are anti-psyker grenades, in case you need to open it.

Loxagn
2014-06-13, 04:34 PM
DM: The cultists approach, pulling out long, jagged knives of obsidian.
Raz: Knives, huh?
*beat*
Raz: I LOVE KNIVES! :D
*cue the screams*

DM: As recipients of the Shining Armor Grant, you are all of you entitled to a full ride scholarship here at Fort Raleigh University, with the added caveat that you are obligated in times of need to- Yao, put that out. As I was saying, you will be obligated, in times of need, to assist with the neutralization and removal of- Yao, I mean it. Put that out. To assist with the neutralization and removal of certain supernatural threats. *sigh* Yao. NO SMOKING IN THE LIBRARY.
Yao: *head explodes*

Yao: Hmm. These bones've been around a while. But that might qualify as vintage. I wonder if-
DM: You're pretty sure that any nutritional value is long gone. They're basically rocks by now.
Yao: Damn. Well, hey. *picks up skull* Free paperweight!
Rhona: You are NOT bringing that in our room!
Yao: Come on. We'll name him Roger and have adventures. It'll be fun.

DM: The campfire appears not to move, frozen in time like the rest of this place.
Blue: Yao, you should touch it.
Yao: Kay.
*horrible image of flesh burning off arm*
Yao: Yup. That's fire.
Blue: OH MY GOD I WAS KIDDING

Sith_Happens
2014-06-13, 05:03 PM
Maya:
Kreig:

Character naming WIN.:smallwink:

DigoDragon
2014-06-14, 10:03 AM
Amaya: "Where's the GM?"
Solo: "He's still asleep."
Amaya: "After I gave him a Red Bull?"
Solo: "Is that what he was drinking as a sleeping aid?"
Amaya: "I gave the GM a Red Bull with the instructions that 'In case you're about to fall asleep, drink this first'. Red Bull is NOT a sleeping aid!"
Ronnie: "Hello, I got jumper cables in the car if it'll help."

GM: "I don't even remember laying down! One moment I was at my desk waiting on a download for the session, the next moment I was in bed getting nudged awake and being asked if I wanted to get anything for dinner!"
Alexander: "Had a bout of insomnia last night, did you?"
Amaya: "I think it's more him having to work *Fourth* shift in a non-Euclidean work week that has hurt his sleep schedule."

MOAR:

Solo: *Puts a coffee cup on the table*
Amaya: *Takes the cup from Solo*
Solo: "...do you need a cup?"
Amaya: "No, I got one."

Solo: "We talked to everyone who has witnessed the Jersey Devil."
Amaya: "Plus a few people who haven't."
Ronnie: "And racecar nearly ran it over last night."
Solo: "That would have ended the investigation quickly."
Amaya: "If only it were that easy."
Solo: "Well we need to catch this fugitive, so let's send Solo out there. He'll run the fugitive over in 24 hours. He's got the Most-Wanted-Seeking-Car Grill."

Amaya: "In the best interests of not insulting your $100,000 degree, I'll cut to the chase-- What is your professional opinion on what this creature is?"
Dr. Lee: "I don't know WHAT it is. I can tell it's teeth are patterned similar to an equine, but the teeth are sharp like a carnivore."
Solo: "A carnivorous horse... oh, it's Starlight from Rainbow Bright."

Solo: "So what does this lock of fur feel like?"
GM: "It's a shingle."
Solo: "So we're chasing a house?"
Amaya: "Or a dragon."
Solo: "Dragons have scales, not shingles."
Ronnie: "Maybe it was a really big and tough dragon?"
Solo: "And what, it follows the New Jersey building codes for it's skin?"

Cassie: "Dragons are so cute when they try to describe hyperspace-time phenomena."
Solo: "Except that I'm pretty sure Pern dragons don't show up on any Trek series."

Solo: "Amaya, you finish up with the doc. I have a see a guy about a flying dog."

Alexander: "You silly Americans. Shutting off your brain only works while you're still in high school."
Ronnie: "Hello, I've left mine on low-power standby since Sophomore year."

GM: "Alexander hovers around you like a Gradius option."

Amaya: "He strays farther than a bad detour on Google maps."

Gun Turret: "You are not cleared for that."
Solo: "Uh... Napoleon Solo multi-pass?"

Solo: "No, this investigation is not like your last one because it doesn't involve MPs and you're not under arrest."

Major: "Excuse me Solo, we regret to inform you Sargeant Lopez died in the line of duty."
Solo: "You were just talking to him 4 minutes ago! What happened?!"
Major: "Someone left a claymore in the urinal. Got Lopez all over the walls."
Solo: *Picks up his coffee and leaves... comes back, grabs creamer and then leaves*

Solo: "Night camo is black, light black, blue, and gray."
GM: "There's no such thing as 'light black', you just described gray."

GM: "Anything you do before you all go out camping for the Jersey Devil?"
Amaya: "List our next of kin?"
GM: "Such confidence."
Solo: "I leave everything to my pet cat... because I'm not talking to Weird Harold..."
Amaya: "I'm taking it all with me."
Jimmy: "I know you studied Egyptian lore, but it doesn't work that way."

Solo: "A standard military tent is not hard to setup."
GM: "Now your nonstandard, non-Euclidean tents, those are hard."

Solo: "The next MUFON sighting is New Jersey is gonna be about these aliens that came out of the woods waving FBI badges and making this horrible cat noise. Suddenly polyester jumped us from the woods and it spoke our language, HELLO, and then a cleric showed up!"

Amaya: "I rolled a 26 on Earth/Life sciences. What was this thing's gender?"
GM: "Ken doll. i.e. It had none."
Amaya: "I was afraid of that."

Padca0
2014-06-14, 11:29 AM
Rogue: I didn't steal that, well I did, but not from you.

Bard: Wow, I just realized: you're on fire and you're prioritizing healing me.
Healer: Oh ya, I kind of forgot I was on fire.

bulbaquil
2014-06-15, 10:03 PM
P3: "That's Shadowrun, that's Shadowrun, that's Shadowrun, that's Shadowrun, that's my commlink... which is Shadowrun, that's Shadowrun, that's Shadowrun, that... looks like part of [my character], that's [my character], that's [my character], that's Shadowrun."

P1; "These birds are not worth keeping."
P3: " 'Every bird is worth keeping'! I grow an elongated nose, a top hat, and a tuxedo."
GM: "You turn into Robert DeNiro."
P3: "Yes, I am an orcish Robert DeNiro."

GM: "They have pre-knowledge of you guys, because you're kind of infamous now."
P1: "Woo-hoo! We're infamous!"

P2: "[CG-aligned character]'s gonna have himself a little near-death experience. He sees light shining up, and then he's like 'hey, this is Heaven,' and then he's like, 'no, LAWFUL, LAWFUL, LAWFUL! Get me--' " *makes rightward-pointing motions with arms*
GM: "Axis! Axis!"
P2: " 'NO! NOT AXIS! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I mean, I'd prefer Hell less than that, but...' "
GM: "He'd prefer the Maelstrom."

Braininthejar2
2014-06-16, 04:38 PM
Kojiro: "Either the demon is playing dumber than he is, or that guy sold his soul to a telemarketer."

Kojiro: "I grab him from behind and barf acid at his neck until his head falls off."

Lariel: (pulling out a sword) "Thou shall break them with a rod of iron; thou shall dash them in pieces like a potter's vessel". (player gestures too widely and knocks his drink off the table)

Lakaz
2014-06-17, 02:41 AM
P2: "[CG-aligned character]'s gonna have himself a little near-death experience. He sees light shining up, and then he's like 'hey, this is Heaven,' and then he's like, 'no, LAWFUL, LAWFUL, LAWFUL! Get me--' " *makes rightward-pointing motions with arms*
GM: "Axis! Axis!"
P2: " 'NO! NOT AXIS! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I mean, I'd prefer Hell less than that, but...' "
GM: "He'd prefer the Maelstrom."

I was always a proponent of the idea that if you're bad at holding to your alignment, you go to the heaven of the opposite one when you die. Where you are promptly re-killed by all the people who are SUPPOSED to be there for sport. (Or, if it's the LG heaven, put on trial and fined a few hundred gold for trespassing and then allowed to stay)

Anyways, as for my quote.

PC1: What's it say?
DM: It appears to be some kind of bible. The opening reads 'in the beginning god said "LET THERE BE LIGHT!". And afterwards man wait "TURN THE DARN LIGHT OFF I'M HUNGOVER!"'

DigoDragon
2014-06-17, 10:08 AM
Amaya: "And now to roll my wealth bonus."
GM: "What? I thought you said roll your wolf bonus."
Amaya: *Rolls a 1*
Solo: "Congrats, you won a chihuahua!"
Amaya: "Worst. Wolf bonus. Ever."

GM: "I'm not evil, but Mum-ra is my hero."

Amaya: "That's because chicks dig goth girls."

MOAR~
GM: "I hate you, Nicolette."
Nicolette: "...?"
GM: "Just thought you'd want to know."

Cassie: "All right, who's the idiot responsible for my being in New Jersey?"
Amaya: "Apparently we should not overlook the drawing power of the Garden State."

Nicolette: "You're not pricing cell phones at DC 15, are you?"
GM: "Hell no. A DC 15 is about... $500!"
Nicolette: "That phone better be made of gold."
Amaya: "I take it no one here has ever bought an iPhone?"

Amaya: "It seems that our half-elf is broken."
GM: "Yeah, just ask any elf."

Amaya: "The problem with your theory is that if the Jersey Devil doesn't exist, then neither would we."

Solo: (On the phone) "Amaya, since I'll be gone a while, you should go in my briefcase and borrow Zappy."
Amaya: "Zappy? The hell is that?"
Solo: "It's a cop thing, don't worry. Bye!" *Hangs up*
Ronnie: "So is Racecar doing alright?"
Amaya: "No, they have him out a month on medical rest. A MONTH. We needed him! And now he wants me to hold on to... Zappy or whatever the F*** that is."
Ronnie: "Oh, Zappy? Yeah, I think it's in his breifcase."
Amaya: "You know what Zappy is?"
Ronnie: "It's a cop thing, don't worry."
Amaya: "...that just makes me worry even more."

Ronnie: "Solo's briefcase is on the bed."
Amaya: "Okay, let's open it and get... sigh, Zappy."
GM: "Amaya, you open the briefcase. Inside you find Zappy-- a taser gun."
Amaya: "Well now I feel stupid."
GM: "You also see a couple pens, two packs of smokes, a flask..."
Amaya: *Curiously opens the flask*
GM: "You're punched in the face by the brutal aroma of Yagermeister."
Amaya: *Cough! Cough! Cough!*
Ronnie: "Oh right, guess I should have warned you about that."
GM: "There's also a notepad, a pencil, and a female's undergarment smaller than yours."
Ronnie: "Wait, what? This is unexpected."
Amaya: "Uh... define small."
GM: "The waistline is wider then yours, but contains maybe 10% overall fabric. And with an unusual perfume scent."
Ronnie: "Hello, I hate flavored floss."
Amaya: "I think this is a mystery for later."
Ronnie: "The secret of Solo? I think we want to pass on this one."

Jimmy: "In fact, let me show you some strange, unexplained phenomenon."
Amaya: "I think the boss is about to introduce Nicolette to the team."

Amaya: "Right, a creature with no privates was found attacking a private near Fort Dix."

Nicolette: "I'm Nicolette, former NYPD."
Ronnie: "Hello, former LAPD here."
Jimmy: "I assume there's a rivalry between the two police forces?"
Ronnie: "Not at all... least not when the chick is hot looking."
Alexander: "Uh, shouldn't we focus on the case here?"
Ronnie: "Go chew on your celibacy, cleric."

Nicolette: "The creature's remains smell... smokey?"
Amaya: "Well I'm not thinking Arbys."
Nicolette: "What are your skills again?"
Amaya: "The arcane."
Nicolette: "That covers a lot."
Amaya: "Yes, I know."
Nicolette: "I mean, that is a lot of ground. Do you have a specialty title?"
Amaya: "Don't need one."
Alexander: "In my home country 100 years ago she would be burned at stake for being one we'd call a witch."
Amaya: "You're flattering me."

Amaya: "My arcane sight definitely sees an aura around it's remains, which smell smokey not unlike charcoal. We may be dealing with an actual demon."
Nicolette: "...so literally we're hunting a Jersey DEVIL?"
Erik: "What, you don't like hockey?"

Farmer #1: "I'm actually 1/16th gnome. I got the pointy hat."
Nicolette: "Is that a hat or a triangular tumor?"

Farmer #2: "I came out of the house and saw one of my cows mauled... like..."
Nicolette: "Like a thousand Elvises came down upon the creature with forks?"
Ronnie: "Uh-huh."

Nicolette: "The highest citation to a civilian is the President's Medal. Solo has one."
Amaya: "I think the highest citation I got was petty theft at a Wal-Mart."

Ronnie: "Hello, I'm from LA. The speed limit is just a suggestion. And a bad one."

Farmer #3: "Did you hear that Johnny's farm got attacked by the Jersey Devil? But whatever you do, don't call the FBI!"

Amaya: "We'll call you after we search the house. If you don't hear from us in a few hours--"
Nicolette: "Send help!!"

GM: "Roll Disable Device to pick the lock on the door."
Nicolette: "12."
Amaya: "12."
GM: "Neither of you unlock the door."
Ronnie: *Opens the door from inside*
Alexander: "How did you...?"
Ronnie: "Hello, came in through the backdoor."
Amaya: "It was unlocked?"
Ronnie: "No Jailbait, I kicked it down. It's flatter than your singing now."

Nicolette: "Have you actually seen this creature?"
Amaya: "Yeah. Think of a large kangaroo about Ronnie's height with wings, sharp ugly teeth, and the nastiest attitude ever."
Jersey Devil: *Comes out of hiding and snarls*
Amaya: "It looks much like that actually."

Nicolette: "Amaya going toe-to-toe with this devil would be like a fight between Felix the Cat and Wolverine!"

Amaya: *Smashes open a window to let the sunlight in*
Jersey Devil: *Leaps out the back door to go hide in the forest*
Nicolette: "Come back here, I'm not finished with you!! Get your Captain Kangaroo butt back here so I can put this gun up your-"
GM: "You see something move in the trees."
Nicolette: "Open fire!" *Rolls a critical hit and maximum damage*
GM: "Congrats, you just blew away a squirrel... and the branch it was sitting on."

Amaya: "How much farther is this hall?
GM: "About 100 feet before a left turn."
Amaya: "Huh... too far to go alone."
Nicolette: "I'll go with you."
Amaya: "We can't leave Ronnie behind. He's too injured to defend himself."
Nicolette: "We'll leave him outside."
Ronnie: "Hello, didn't one of those things just jump outside?"
Nicolette: "Alexander can stay with him."
Amaya: "Leave the unarmed cleric alone with a disabled Ronnie? Heck no. That's gonna invoke Aggro."
Nicolette: "Aggro?"
Amaya: "Yeah it's a complex encounter phenomenon, but let me give you the short version: The cleric dies first."

Nicolette: "What did the creature taste like when I bit it?"
GM: "Ashen with burning, but without the heat."
Nicolette: "So like a Staten Island bagel?"

Amaya: "We're looking for unusual things-- claw marks, occult writing, Garfield comics that are funny."

GM: "Nicolette, you kick the door in. You notice that the door knob was way, way to new and shiny for this dilapitated old building."
Nicolette: "I drop to the floor. Anything happen?"
GM: "Nope."
Amaya: "Drop a contact lens?"
Nicolette: "No, I was thinking anti-personnel device."
Ronnie: "Don't bother, those Jersey Devils have made this case very personal."

Alex12
2014-06-17, 10:39 AM
PC5: I climb PC4.

PC3: So what's your name?
PC4: Whut.
PC3: Your name. What's your name?
PC4: Yeah, Whut is my name.
PC3: What, you don't know your own name?
PC4: No, Whut is my name.
PC3: How can you not know what your own character's name is?
PC2: No, his name is actually Whut.

DM: The horse is having less trouble with these tunnels than you are.
PC2: I'm a pony, not a horse.

DM: You see...Mork, Mindy, and the Great Gazoo.
PC3: Wait, how did they get ahead of us? We've been going in a straight line, and they were going in the opposite direction!
Mork: I don't know. We're really lost in these sewers.

DM: Everyone roll Sense Motive.
*poor rolls all around, the highest result is a 10*
DM: Okay, PC2, your 10 makes you think the guide is lying and is actually lost
PC2: I stay quiet because I don't feel comfortable in my understanding of humanoid body language yet, especially since everyone else seems to be accepting what she said.

NPC: So what god do you follow?
PC1: Um, Asmodeus...
DM: Asmodeus!?
PC2 (whispers): Iomedae.
PC1: I mean Iomedae!

DM: Everyone's looking at you in surprise.
PC2: Well, we did just climb out of the sewer. Makes sense we'd be disgusting.
PC3: But didn't you just use Prestidigitation to clean everyone off?
PC2: Still working on my wings, actually. Feathers are hard to clean. But yeah, the rest of you guys are fine.

janusmaxwell
2014-06-17, 06:11 PM
Tiny context, Krang is a goblin Rogue/Trapmaster

Krang: *shouting at hobgoblins avoiding his traps* "DID YOU NOT READ THE SCRIPT!?" *mutters* this is why I HATE working with amateurs... *Starts shooting hand crossbow*

Krang: "I CAST SUMMON SCRIPT!"

Krang: "Na nanalah na nanana na nanalah nanana." (James Bonds theme song, while using a Rod of Ropes to "Batman" around a forest) (Youtube link to help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ye8KvYKn9-0)

And the player for Krang can do a PERFECT vocal impression of Gollum which lends well to doing voices to non-human races...which is the reason most sessions with him result in me laughing until I feel like I ruptured something.

Sallera
2014-06-17, 07:04 PM
Different game.

PC1: It's a trick! Don't think you'll be enslaving ME to your nefarious purposes you conniving puntling!
PC2: Pay attention, child. We are heading into the Mournland. It is not a friendly place, and thus my nefarious purposes include staying safe, remaining intact, and not dying. If, for some reason, I did wish you harm, I would hardly offer to travel with you. There are, after all, plenty of thieves, incompetents, and showoffs on this platform I could leave you to instead.
PC1: The mighty gnome needs my protection. Ha! Must be my lucky day. Yanno, your the first puntling woman I've ever seen. I'd thought your people cloned themselves so as to better murder and pillage...
PC2: Well, I suppose there must be some disadvantages to an adamantine skull.

PC3: Don't worry, [horse] - we'll be just fine. Besides, most of the nasties that hide here don't even like horseflesh. No they don't. People taste so much better...

PC1: That's why us 'forged were invented yanno...someone finally figured out that meat didn't make the best meatshields.

PC1: Gah! What is with this place!? Don't these plants know that vegetation is supposed to, you know, vegetate?

PC3: Of course. It couldn't have been a nice, wide open cave with no chance of being buried alive. Well, I suppose out of all of us, I have the least chance of getting stuck in any small crevasses. Well, almost.
PC2: You've also got the greatest chance of falling unconscious at the first sign of something untoward, Cannith boy.
PC3: I will have you know I have never fainted at merely the sight of something untoward... now when that something starts hitting, I will admit unconciousness is a distinct, if undesireable possibility.

PC3: *gets off horse* I'm no expert, but it might be best to make way on foot - we're sure to make less noise on the cobblestones than the horses, and staying quiet may serve us well.
PC2: Come, let's just stay out of sight as best we can. I'll silence us as soon as we're near enough to be heard, so keep close.
PC3: *gets on horse* Well... yes. That would work surprisingly well. Thank you.
PC2: Not that you don't need the exercise, Cannith boy, but you can refrain from climbing back on that thing. Leave it here; even silenced, we will be harder to spot without it than with.
PC3: ... *gets off horse*

PC2: If they try to call out a warning or attack, take this marble and get them.

PC2: It's generally considered politic to surrender before sneaking up on someone.

ZeroGear
2014-06-17, 08:48 PM
"Is there a weaponized form of earmuff I could summon?"

"What kind of good person looks for a Ruby Skull?"

"Is the room filled with Jam?"

"OK, while you're boning the hallway..."

"It's a landcrab!"

DM: "You're still stuck to the crab."
[PC2]: "AWESOME!"

[PC1]: "Alright, knowledge nobility: crabs!"
DM: "No."

"Just because I'll have hammerspace in couple levels doesn't mean I'm a cartoon."

"She had herself a choker lunch, hopefully she doesn't choke on the meal."

"If we see 100 babies running from a bunch of Kobolds, I think we need to leave them alone."

"I construct an alter of hatred to him."

bulbaquil
2014-06-17, 09:06 PM
I was always a proponent of the idea that if you're bad at holding to your alignment, you go to the heaven of the opposite one when you die. Where you are promptly re-killed by all the people who are SUPPOSED to be there for sport. (Or, if it's the LG heaven, put on trial and fined a few hundred gold for trespassing and then allowed to stay)

That's an idea I've actually been toying with. (I happened to be P2 in that game, and it was the first time in that campaign my PC had dropped to negatives... so I decided to have a bit of fun with it.)

...Anyway:

GM: "A wand of grease? So a McDonald's french fry?"

P1: "I'm a level 3 wizard, and I have a CMB of +0. I am on my way to godhoooood!"

GM: "You see a large..." *sneeze* "...snake."
P3: "A large sneeze."
GM: "Yes, you see a large sneeze approach the tent."

Necroticplague
2014-06-17, 09:45 PM
Now, for a more touching tale:

Kreig: You run, I'll buy time!
Maya: But what about the-
Kreig:JUST GO!
*Short fight for Kreig, and escape scene for Maya*
GM:A bright flash appears on what for Kreig is over the horizon. It so massive and bright even Maya can see it from space. Your foes seem to have stopped shooting to join you in staring at the blast coming to them in either awe or pants-!@#$%^&* terror. Any last words, Kreig?
*Kreig stands Arms to the side, palms up in reverence*
Kreig: The emperor stands with me! Now bask in his glory, and see the light as I have!
*Some very lucky rolls to resist damage*
.....
..........


Mechanus Adeptus: ShIp SeNsOrS iNdIcAtInG LiViNg BiO-mAtTeR. sQuAd alpha-delta-gamma SeNt To InVeStIgAtE
Maya: What the, is it something tyranid?
Mechanus:No.SiNgUlAr, AnD tOo SmAlL.
Maya:This could be either really good, or really bad...
...
GM:Finally arriving at the indicated site, the last living thing on this burning planet is more than a bit familiar to you. He's somehow still keeping that same mask on, despite the burning crust of a planet around him.
Kreig:I saw it. I truly got to bask in the radiance of his infinite love for humanity as it purged the unclean. and yet I remain. Come at me, all heretics who dare, for I still stand!
Maya:*sigh* You WOULD be the last thing standing after an exterminatus. You crazy son of a !@#$%.

golentan
2014-06-19, 02:31 AM
"We fight dirty. Throw some sand in its eye."
"It's a hive mind. It has thousands of eyes, I don't think it will be inconvenienced."
"Metaphorically."
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going to DDOS attack its brains. Hand me that transmitter."

DigoDragon
2014-06-19, 07:17 AM
Nicolette: (Pulls out a leopard pattern bag of dice) "Was this anyone you knew?"
Amaya: "Besides upholstery I've set on fire in my youth? ...no."
Nicolette: "Do you want it?"
Amaya: "To strange you with? ...maybe."

Nicolette: "Here, exchange these leopard dice for my usual Royal Crown ones."
Amaya: (rolls the leopard d6 dice, gets all 6s)
Nicolette: "Well, if you were creating a new D&D character, you'd have an 18 Strength, Dex, and Con right now."

Amaya: "Two hours later, I stop squee'ing with joy."
GM: "Yes, you manage to make the Will save to put down the spell book you found."
Amaya: "Well, I guess I have to pee at some point."
Erik: "You could use it as reading material while you're on the can."
Ronnie: "She'd have all the material components for a fireball in one place."

MOAR~

Erik: "The ward could activate by Command Word."
Amaya: "Then we shouldn't say anything odd out there."
Erik: "I'll try to keep my blatherskytes and gadzooks to myself."

Nicolette: "I go back to my hotel room. Is anyone here?"
GM: "Amaya is currently devoid of your room. I mean, your room is currently devoid of Amaya."
Nicolette: "Amaya must have amazing attributes to hold a room in there. Can I get two adjoining rooms together in there?"
GM: "1600 pounds in attributes."
Nicolette: "Hello, housekeeping? I seem to have lost a room."

Amaya: "You have visually molested yourself. Congratulations."

Nicolette: "Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"
Alexander: "Go ahead."
Nicolette: "How long-"
Alexander: "We're done asking questions."

Amaya: "Anyone on the team could be targeted, but we have yet to have an agent mortally wounded by this thing-"
Ronnie: "Hello, I was attack from behind, remember?"
Amaya: "No agent who can't soak the damage and sleep it off later has been mortally wounded by this thing."

Nicolette: "Can you please get in the bag? Someone is trying to kill you."

Nicolette: *Calls Amaya*
Amaya: "Hello?"
Nicolette: "How is your team doing?"
Amaya: "The hunter has enough guns to take out New Jersey. I don't think any Jersey Devils will be coming here to attack him. How's Mr. Bibi?"
Nicolette: "Mr. Bibi is fine. Mostly. He's still enjoying his remaining time on this mortal coil after a fire extinguisher incident."
Mr. Bibi: "I was FROZEN today!"

Nicolette: "Be on the lookout for Captain Kangaroo, Soupy Sales, and their guest stars from Hanson."

Nicolette: "Why would you storm the place without me anyway?"
Amaya: "Because it's fun and I like being ill prepared."
Nicolette: "Yeah, and you have Mr. Styrofoam Breakaway on your team."
Amaya: "You mean Aries? He's FBI trained. Don't they give you all guns with training?"
Aries: "Uh, I don't actually like guns."
Amaya: "Well damn, what are your geek skills good for then?"
Aries: "I think I have a bat in the trunk of the car."
Amaya: "Good, because I doubt throwing 4-chan jokes at the Jersey Devil is going to do anything."

Erik: "Oh a torch. Great, this'll be like ransacking back home."
GM: "???"
Nicolette: "He's Norse."
GM: "Oh."

Amaya: "We got TPKed by a scent check."

Jersey Devil: *Chomps down on Jimmy*
Ronnie: "Hello, no eating my boss!"
Amaya: "Ronnie, if you save Jimmy this combat round, I'll give you a kiss!"
Ronnie: *Critical hit with an Axe kick to the devil's face, killing it in one blow*
Jimmy: "Ouch... ugh.. thanks Ronnie."
Ronnie: "No problemo."
Amaya: *Gives Ronnie a kiss on the cheek*
Ronnie: "Hello! ...this won't count as statutory rape, right?"
Nicolette: "You planning on kissing her back with your axe kick?"

Nicolette: "Someone's rustling the leaves of Saturn."

Amaya: "Don't worry, we have a red polyester ninja out there."

GM: "Ronnie is staying amazingly quiet right now."
Outside: *Loud boom of thunder followed by a car alarm going off*

Jimmy: "During my time as a field agent I have run accross many cults, gangs, religious sects-"
Ronnie: "Hello, sex?"
Jimmy: "SECTS."
Ronnie: "Ah, jargon of the 60s, right?"

Jimmy: *Gets back to the hotel with the team, clutching his bloody shoulder wound*
Receptionist: "Oh my, what happened to you?!"
Nicolette: "We had a run-in with some geriatrics at the bingo hall."
Receptionist: "What, they drew blood?"
Aries: "Thursday night is bear night."
Ronnie: "Hello, hope you can play dead."
Jimmy: "I am dead."
Nicolette: "Winners get witches."
Aries: "Losers get deer-shanked."
Receptionist: "...?!"
Amaya: "This town is gonna be so screwed up by the time we're done."

GM: "The next morning the entire team is at the table in the hotel dinning area, eating their continental breakfast."
Aries: "I pour coffee on everything and make an omelette out of it."
Nicolette: "I'm so out of it, I nearly forgot to get dressed before coming down here."
Ronnie: "I wouldn't have minded... dunno about the other patrons."
Erik: "You have a room for that you know."
Ronnie: "Yeah, all to myself, hint hint."
Amaya: "Ugh, last night... 3 and 0 for devils, but still nothing on that mysterious cult."
Erik: "Yeah, but at least I still have my limbs attached to my torso."
Ronnie: "Hello, speaking of torsos, here comes the boss."
GM: "Jimmy comes downstairs. He goes over to the breakfast bar and takes the entire pot of coffee."
Hotel Maid: "Excuse me sir, you shouldn't take the whole c--"
Jimmy: "Bill Me."
Hotel Maid: "..."
Amaya: "Okay, now that the entire freak show is present, let's start this circus."

Nicolette: "So tell me Amaya, are you actually a witch? Or is that insulting?"
Amaya: "In the classic sense of it, yes I am a witch and no I don't find it any more derogatory than calling you a federal agent."
Erik: "Sorceress works if you're afraid of getting Amaya burned at the stake."
Aries: "That's more a pre-twentieth century thing. We just have folks committed now."
Nicolette: "Okay... so what should I call you?"
Amaya: "Amaya is perfectly fine."
Nicolette: "Ah... and do you do this kind of work often?"
Amaya: "You mean running around the woods last night in a short skirt with older men? All the time."

Nicolette: "If whoever abducted the doctor isn't looking for information, then they may have taken the doctor because they need his help."
Amaya: "For what, to give their Jersey Devils a physical?"
Nicolette: "We need to check on the doc's wife and home."
Amaya: "Good idea, I'm sure she hasn't had her mind screwed up by us yet."

Necroticplague
2014-06-19, 03:58 PM
GM:*Sighs* Once again, every one of you has taken Terminal Illness at the highest level for the points. Well, at least I get to read what's killing all you guys this time.
*Reads through character sheets*
GM:Dang it, this is what I get for playing with pre-med students. I've never heard of this stuff! Priapism, Nymphomania, Satyrism, Anorgasmia? Ah well, dropping dead after a month is dropping dead after a month, who cares how its gonna happen?

GPuzzle
2014-06-19, 04:14 PM
The Book of Erotic Fantasy says hello.

janusmaxwell
2014-06-19, 07:20 PM
GM:*Sighs* Once again, every one of you has taken Terminal Illness at the highest level for the points. Well, at least I get to read what's killing all you guys this time.
*Reads through character sheets*
GM:Dang it, this is what I get for playing with pre-med students. I've never heard of this stuff! Priapism, Nymphomania, Satyrism, Anorgasmia? Ah well, dropping dead after a month is dropping dead after a month, who cares how its gonna happen?

Priapism?! The little bumps that guys get on the shafts of their c***s? That are completely normal and harmless?! Oh god that is Awesome! I'm totally using that when I get a chance!

This is like in DarthsandDroids when it was revealed that R2-D2's player got all sorts of extras for making his robot "lactose intolerant"

I'm f-ing dying over here!

janusmaxwell
2014-06-19, 07:26 PM
Oops...that's not what priapism is...that's when you have an erection that will not go away. Still funny though!

golentan
2014-06-19, 07:32 PM
Priapism?! The little bumps that guys get on the shafts of their c***s? That are completely normal and harmless?! Oh god that is Awesome! I'm totally using that when I get a chance!

This is like in DarthsandDroids when it was revealed that R2-D2's player got all sorts of extras for making his robot "lactose intolerant"

I'm f-ing dying over here!

No. Priapism as in the inability to lose an erection, which can lead to thrombosis (clots) thromboembolism (clots that go wandering about the body cutting off circulation and messing with the heart), and of course the penis losing oxygenation and becoming necrotic and rotting in place/falling off.

You're thinking of Fordyce Spots.

Necroticplague
2014-06-19, 07:33 PM
Priapism?! The little bumps that guys get on the shafts of their c***s? That are completely normal and harmless?! Oh god that is Awesome! I'm totally using that when I get a chance!


No. Priapism is the opposite of erectile dysfunction, where it wont go down . Painful at times, but certainly not lethal.

golentan
2014-06-19, 07:50 PM
No. Priapism is the opposite of erectile dysfunction, where it wont go down . Painful at times, but certainly not lethal.

It can be. Without intervention, there are two or three complications it can develop that can, indeed, be lethal.

Amidus Drexel
2014-06-19, 07:53 PM
While terminal anorgasmia sounds pretty horrible, the nymphomania one was the funniest. :smallamused:

Alex12
2014-06-19, 08:26 PM
Priapism?! The little bumps that guys get on the shafts of their c***s? That are completely normal and harmless?! Oh god that is Awesome! I'm totally using that when I get a chance!

This is like in DarthsandDroids when it was revealed that R2-D2's player got all sorts of extras for making his robot "lactose intolerant"

I'm f-ing dying over here!

Nope. You know how, in ads for Viagra and such, they tell you that if you don't go down after four/six hours, call a doctor? That's priapism. It's extremely painful, and can in fact be life-threatening.

janusmaxwell
2014-06-20, 07:02 PM
DM: The BBEG is in at the heart of the Mountain!
PC1: Can I make a check to find the lungs and throat of the mountain? I think I can figure out where the heart is from there.
Krang: I make a goblin check to find the toes of the mountain! I'm short enough, it should be easy!

GPuzzle
2014-06-20, 08:45 PM
PC1: "Rice mode, activate!"

GM: "What's your character name again? Matthew Silver, right? And you're English, isn't it?"
PC2: "Exactly."
GM: "So, there's this sudden burst of smoke, and then this man who looks like Martin Freeman is atop a horse screaming 'Hiyo, Silver!'"

PC3: "I'm an ex-KGB agent."
PC4: "I'm a ninja from Portugal."
PC5: "I'm an ex-FBI agent."
PC1: "I'm a biological weapons creator that disguises himself as a rice farmer."
PC2: "I'm an ex-assassin for hire turned merc."
GM: "What is this, Shadowrun?"

ZeroGear
2014-06-21, 03:59 AM
Puzzle, if it isn't Shadowrun what is it?

Neli42
2014-06-21, 04:00 AM
Player 1: "His secondary beard."
Player 2: "Secondary beard? Where would that even be?"
Player 1: "In an undisclosed location."
Player 2: "I'm leaving."

(^In our campaigns this is known as the "netherbeard").

GM: Freaking out is a free action.

GPuzzle
2014-06-21, 07:58 AM
Puzzle, if it isn't Shadowrun what is it?

d6-lite. Spy d6-lite, to be more exact, but it ended up as the lovechild of James Bond movies, the Bourne series, Exalted, Shadowrun and the first Johnny English movie.

Sith_Happens
2014-06-21, 06:12 PM
Maya:*sigh* You WOULD be the last thing standing after an exterminatus. You crazy son of a !@#$%.

Being Krieg, you're doing it right.:smallwink:


Nicolette: "Why would you storm the place without me anyway?"
Amaya: "Because it's fun and I like being ill prepared."

THIS. This is every RPG group ever.


GM:*Sighs* Once again, every one of you has taken Terminal Illness at the highest level for the points. Well, at least I get to read what's killing all you guys this time.
*Reads through character sheets*
GM:Dang it, this is what I get for playing with pre-med students. I've never heard of this stuff! Priapism, Nymphomania, Satyrism, Anorgasmia? Ah well, dropping dead after a month is dropping dead after a month, who cares how its gonna happen?

How to Prank Your GM: Scientific Literacy Edition.:smallbiggrin:


(^In our campaigns this is known as the "netherbeard").

I am so telling my group this.

bulbaquil
2014-06-21, 08:10 PM
P1: "...because I'm Medium-sized, and..."
GM: "You're s***ing me!"
P1: "TIMING!"
P3: "I don't believe you're Medium-sized!"
P2: "You can't be Medium-sized! You *never* play Medium-sized characters!"

P3: "I roll a 17 to disable the wind."
P2: "I start suffocating because there's no air."
P3: "I roll a 20 to re-enable the wind."

P2: "Standard action: Inspire! I pratfall like a m***********."

DigoDragon
2014-06-22, 08:55 AM
P3: "I don't believe you're Medium-sized!"
P2: "You can't be Medium-sized! You *never* play Medium-sized characters!"

I had a player with that quirk. He was 6' 2". He exclusively played halflings. Not even for optimizations purposes. He just loved playing short characters.


Alexander: "Who is sitting there?"
Peanut Gallery: "That would be Ronnie. You have Ronnie, the GM, Nicolette, and Amaya."
Ronnie: "What?"
GM: "What?"
Nicolette: "What?"
Amaya: "I am sooo quoting this moment."

Nicolette: "I need to ask Alexander something that he has to ask the GM to get the information on."
Amaya: "Why not skip the middle man and ask the GM directly?"
Nicolette: "Sorry cleric, I'm talking directly to your god."

Ronnie: "You fathered an evil genius. Congrats."

GM: "So in Ronnie's car it's Amaya and Nicolette. The two females on the team."
Ronnie: "Hello, I have mixed feelings about this."


GM: "Ronnie?"
Ronnie: "Hello?"
GM: "Make a Drive check."
Ronnie: (Rolls a 2) "Hello... this is going to suck."
GM: "You swerve off the road as the Jersey Devil leaps on the front windshield."
Amaya: "Ahhhh!!"
Ronnie: "Hello! Don't scratch the paint job, you devil!"
Nicolette: "Plug your ears, I'm shooting it!"
Ronnie: "No, don't shoot! You'll damage my Beamer!"
GM: "The Jersey Devil punches clear through the windshield to get to you, Ronnie."
Ronnie: "Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!"
GM: "Nicolette, you can't shoot. A second devil has reached into the passenger window and grabbed your gun arm."
Nicolette: "Are we devil magnets?!"
Ronnie: "They're going to be deviled eggs for hurting my car!"

GM: "And... Amaya you wake up from that nightmare."
Amaya: "... ... ...Ronnie pull over at that gas station."
Ronnie: "Why, you need to go?"
Amaya: (Trying not to cry) "I might already have."

Amaya: "I ask the clerk for the key, I calmly go into the bathroom, and lock the door."
Alexander: "Watch the bathroom key have a Jersey Devil keychain."
GM: (Rolls a 20) "It does. A little cartoony devil."
Amaya: "I turn the keychain to face away from me."
GM: "Okay... so what are you doing?"
Amaya: (Goes ballistic punching the wall, kicking the door, and throwing things)
Alexander: "Uh... is she okay in there?"
Amaya: "I calmly exit the bathroom, hand the key back to the clerk, and start pouring myself the largest cup of the blackest coffee they have.
Nicolette: "Does Amaya even drink coffee?"
Ronnie: "Hello. She never has."
Jimmy: "She's verbally said she's hated coffee. Twice."
Alexander: "Oh yeah, she's definitely snapped."

GM: "You arrive at the doctor's house."
Ronnie: "I drove semi-ballistically."
GM: "Okay, roll me a Drive check."
Ronnie: "Don't have to. I'm driving an ICBMW."

Gene: "Is that the (in)famous Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Winnebago that stand-off comedian Gallagher immortalized?"
Ronnie: "Yes, but it's okay. I'm insured."
Gene: "Insured is obviously important, but the real question is- Was it armed and loaded?"
Amaya: "Well we're all still alive and New Jersey is still on the map so... I guess not."

Alexander: "I find dead ghosts?"
GM: "Correction, dead zombie ghosts."

Ronnie: "You remember the last time we saw something in the trees? Like that, but without the love letter."

Alexander: "Did you see anything?"
Ronnie: "I saw an Elton John concert."
Alexander: "And your opinion of it?"
Ronnie: "I don't care. I have no opinion."
Alexander: "Then it was an Elton John concert."

Amaya: "I call Erik."
Erik: (Answers cellphone) "Hello?"
Amaya: "It's Amaya. Have you made any progress on the ward and the icon translations?"
Erik: "I have, yes."
Nicolette: "We could ask old man Bibby about the translations. He may know the symbols."
Amaya: "But we don't trust Mr. Bibby. Besides, we might as well use Erik's skills since he's not doing anything else."
Erik: "You know you're still on the phone with me, right?"
Amaya: "FFFFFFFFFF! Nicolette, you're a *ick."
Nicolette: "The correct term is b*tch."
Amaya: "I'm not insulting b*tches everywhere."
Ronnie: "Well, at the right angle she kind of looks like a female dog."
Amaya: "Shut it."

Nicolette: "Hey Aries, I need you to stop looking at porn and look up something equally important."

Nicolette: "We're dealing with a suicide cult, right? I theorize they're hiding at the cementary outside of town."
Amaya: "Let's go. It's night out so it'll be prime culting time."
Nicolette: "No, I think we should go during the day."
Amaya: "Let's vote then. All for a night visit to the cementary, raise your hand."
Amaya, Ronnie, & Alexander: *Raises hand*
Amaya: "All in favor of visiting during the day?"
Nicolette: "I have four limbs and three of them will be going up."
Amaya: "But only one will count. Night visit it is."
Nicolette: "Okay, but don't tell me I didn't tell you so."
Amaya: "And don't tell me you don't like doing the extreme."
Nicolette: "... damn, you got me there."

Amaya: "So... who wants to say hello to the nice lady in the cementary?"
Nicolette: *Points to Ronnie*
Amaya: "Sure, send the guy with less people skills than me."
Alexander: "Why don't I go? A cleric isn't unusual in a cementary."
Amaya: "And she's not a kid so it's all kosher. Go for it."

Lady: "What brings you out here this late?"
Alexander: "I would ask you the same thing."
Lady: "Mourning."
Alexander: "...? No, it's only 9 PM."

Alexander: "I mixed the month and day together, I was going to say there's no month with 36 days."
Ronnie: "Hello, you forgot Smarch."

GM: "The lady isn't married. That wasn't her husband she was mourning there. That was her father."
Amaya: "I was mentally saying 'Father', but I wrote 'Husband' anyway. Despite my brain telling my fingers the correct answer. I'm going for coffee."
Ronnie: "Hello, it's weird that jailbait is drinking the joe now. She possessed or something?"
Alexander: "I can't decide if I want to exorcise her or join her on the coffee run."
Nicolette: "Have her eat one of the breakfast sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts and you can do both!"

Ronnie: "There's some freaky stuff going on here. It's all Satany."
Team: *Everyone looks at Amaya*
Amaya: "What?"

Ronnie: "Yeah, cause if you wail on the button like a vibrator with Parkinsons..."

Ronnie: "Hello, I'm ambling over in that direction. Danger is my middle name... well actually it's Francis."
Nicolette: "Ronnie Francis Danger Stoppable?"
GM: "What?"
Amaya: *Hums the Kim Possible phone tune*
Ronnie: "Gotta go, Zordon's calling."

Ronnie: "Hello, I'm like a substitute for a relationship. Use me and throw me away like double-A batteries."
Nicolette: "Except all the girls in your life need C batteries for their relationships."
Ronnie: "...we're unhello now."

GM: "The creature steps out from behind the tombstone, growling at you."
Ronnie: "Hello... I got nothing." *Draws his gun and starts shooting*

Amaya: "Bravery is a cross-class skill?"
Ronnie: "For cowards."

Ronnie: "I'm gonna commission someone to make me a Thermal/Monocular/Imaging... pokedex."

Amaya: "But whatever you do, don't call the fire department OR the FBI."

Amaya: "Where was this fire at?"
Nicolette: "The fireman's age was 50. He was probably fighting fires at the geritol plant."

GrayGriffin
2014-06-22, 10:19 AM
"Letitia x Noah
She will whip him into shape if she has to kill him to do it
Maybe Pygmalionshipping, based on the Pygmalion Plot trope"
"Fish make people smelly and who wants to make friends like that? Nobody, that's who. And yeah, the Noah Letita partnership happens, I can totally see that, lol"
"It's extra funny since Pygmalion Plot usually refers to a rich/high-class person teaching a lower-class person how to become more refined
But it'd basically be the inverse in this case"

"Oh man, I got the mental image of Letitia grappling a Braviary
Magnificent"

Discussing Homebrew...
"hopefully Heir can't quite use money to blow up tanks, though"
"Heir can tutor Payday onto Pokemon.
And inflict certain volatile status effects by literally throwing money at the opponent."

"Should I or should I not change 'Bribery' to 'Screw the Rules, I Have Money'?"

When the aforementioned pair meets for real...
Letitia: Hey! *running after Noah after nearly getting pushed over by him* Who do you think you are, pushing people around like that?
Noah: Huh? You don't know of me? This is weird. Everywhere I went back home everyone was waiting on me hand and knee...Well, I guess it's possible that someone from another region might not know...Who do I think I am? That's simple. My name is Noah Briggs, soon-to-be succe-
Sterling (Noah's Rufflet): Flet!
Noah: Stop that. Ahem...Soon-to-be successor of the illustrious Briggs shipping empire! Who might you be?
Letitia: *inner facepalm*

ZeroGear
2014-06-22, 09:45 PM
DM: "Are you out of your head?"
[P2]: "I have 7 wisdom, I am completely out of my head."

"Do we have to set up direct deposit for our adventures?"

"I keep all my money in kobold trap pits"

"Why does every character we meet seem to have a ridiculous villain mustache or a name that sounds like an evil wizard?"

"Let's see what the ghosts have to say about this. Sadly I cannot speak with dead yet."

"Does it look like someone went through here with a city sized weed walker?"

"Hopefully they died yesterday, that would be a happy occasion."

"Zero is Switzerland; neutral!"

"If I pretend to be a bush, they won't attack me. Yes, zombies hate salads!"

"I use my expert ear-balls to listen for the source of that noise."

"I'm the lord of blood and change!"

"I'll use these big bulky arms."

"I'm basically an IRS agent of the dead."

"Usually it's evil file clerks."

"Form of: Corpse!"

[P2]: "I'm not trapped in here with it, it's trapped in here with me!" (caster with 6 str damage and no spells left)

"Ah yes, at that age you probably had nightly magical discharges."

"It's like zombie-away!"

"Maybe there's an instruction manual for the Skull!"

"I think I just had a treasure-gasm."

[P2]: "Can I call you the know-it stick?"
Intelligent Staff with Skull: "I prefer 'Murry'."

"If you shut up, I'll go to a brothel and buy you what can only be described as a staff polish."

[P2]: "How much does it cost to get my skull polished?"
DM: "15 gold."
[P2]: "Done! Totally worth it."

GPuzzle
2014-06-23, 10:02 PM
"What the hell are you doing with a screwdriver?"
"Just screwing around."

Codex
2014-06-24, 02:43 AM
"I refuse to answer on the grounds that there is a Goblin chewing on my foot."

DigoDragon
2014-06-24, 07:19 AM
GM: "You can't make captain in just 7 years and not have any ribbons to show for that."
Ronnie: "Hello, I got a blue ribbon for harvesting animals in Farmville and I think that should count."

Nicolette: "You have a half-elf with 1 hit point. It's all in her ears."

Nicolette: "I want to send Amaya undercover to infiltrate the cult. She fits their profile and they need a 16-year old underaged goth girl to molest."
Amaya: "Wait, what?"
Nicolette: "Don't worry, I know you want to molest them back. With your foot."
GM: "That's nice, but where did you get this profile from?"
Ronnie: "He was on 4-chan last night."

Amaya: "Forget it. Apparently trying to act like you isn't working out. I can't think that slowly."

Amaya: "Do you know the legend of the Jersey Devil?"
Nicolette: "Not really, but I figure everything here in Jersey is a legend. I am from New York."
Amaya: "That attitude will get you beaten up around here."
Nicolette: "It's Jersey, we'd get beat just for walking outside."
Aries: "Yeah, you guys should know given your recent hospital bills."

Nicolette: "Do you think the Jersey Devils are like werewolves? With Lycanthopy?"
Amaya: "If it were, this team would be screwed considering we've all been bitten at least once."
Aries: "Hee hee."
Amaya: "Well, everyone who actually does any of the fighting."
Ronnie: "I can't see myself as a Jersey Devil running around in a tattered suit with a gold medallion. Rawr, Hello! Rawr!"

Nicolette: "How fast does the Jersey Devil fly?"
Aries: "On the Trek scale, somewhere slower than the Excelsior, but faster than Chakotay's ego."

MOAR~

Amaya: "So... what *IS* the average speed of an unlaiden American Swallow?"

GM: "Your Goth is fully recharged, but you're still out of fishnets."

Nicolette: "Any cultists in this house?"
Voice: "No, only us pedophiles."
Nicolette: "I dress a grenade to look like a 7-year old boy and I throw it through the window."

GM: "Well that's nice of them. This map has no scale."
Nicolette: "It don't matter, Ronnie's driving so we'll get there in 15 minutes regardless. Ten if there are no major turns along the way."

Trucker: "Harrumphh... dunno where these things are coming from... creatures nearly wiped out my truck."
Amaya: "I think he needs a friend to talk to."
Nicolette: "I'll send Ronnie."
Amaya: "You know he'll talk to a lady with boobs."
Nicolette: "You have a sizable pair, you talk to him."
Ronnie: "Hello, jailbait ain't quite ripe yet, if you catch my meaning."
Nicolette: "No, not me. I'm here for the info, not to pick up a date. I will, however, pay for his tab."
Amaya: "Oh, so you won't talk to the guy, but you'll buy him dinner? What's that going to accomplish?"
Nicolette: "It'll prove I'm not a hooker."

Amaya: "Are we There yet?"
Nicolette: "Almost."
Amaya: "Are we There yet?"
Nicolette: "Almost."
Amaya: "Are we There yet?"
Ronnie: "HELLO, I'm going to install an ejector seat back there."

Nicolette: "Now that's what I call a Hot Zone."
Amaya: "Hot enough to make a lead rod water-soluable."
GM: "That should never be the case."

Nicolette: "When you boast that it's been 24 minutes since a bolt has hit Leroy in the nuts from across the factory and OSHA's knocking at the door... Hi, it's not mandatory to wear a hat, but this place is a Hard Cup Zone. What do we make? Ping-pong balls!"

Nicolette: "Who's the oldest person in this town?"
GM: "You are."
Nicolette: "Whoa, it's like Children of the Corn."
GM: "Specifically your left tit is the oldest."
Nicolette: "It IS Children of the Corn! Here that Tiny, it's just us."
Amaya: "You named your left boob Tiny?"
Ronnie: "Hello, what's the right one named?"
Nicolette: "The Big-O."

DigoDragon
2014-06-26, 08:11 AM
Ronnie: "I'm downstairs arguing with a coffee pot."
Amaya: "And... how are you doing that?"
Ronnie: "Hello, with words. Duh."

Ronnie: "So what's today's plan?"
Amaya: "We need to find other possible decendants of the Emerald Protectorate."
Aries: "Found one. And you already met him once."
Amaya: "I'm soooo nonplussed."
Aries: "Owen Fletcher, he's registered at the gun show in town. Today's the last day."
Amaya: "Ronnie, do you like guns?"
Ronnie: "Eh, s'alright."
Amaya: "Nicolette, you wanna come with to a gun show? Too bad, you're going. Now get a shirt on."
Nicolette: "Uh... eh? Coffee first?"
Ronnie: "To the Beamermobile!"
Sound fx: *1960's Batman cut-scene and theme song*

GM: "You arrive at the gun show. You find the Fletcher Arms booth and you see Owen Fletcher showing off his goods."
Ronnie: *evil tongue-in-cheek grin*
GM: "The guns, you jerk!"

Amaya: "Mr. Fletcher, what pistol would you recommend for, say, a petite young hunter like myself?"
GM: "Roll Bluff."
Amaya: "Yeah, it's only my worst skill ever." (Rolls dice) "Nine."
GM: "You actually beat him with your lie."
Amaya: "...that shouldn't have worked."

Amaya: "Get in touch with us later."
Ronnie: "Here's my card. Well, actually it's your card."
Owen: "Thank goodness, in case I ever have to get in touch with myself."
Ronnie: "Hello... goodbye."

Ronnie: "I have defeated the final boss!"
GM: "Congrats, you are the mithril Prince Albert."
Ronnie: "I don't remember Final Fantasy 8 ending like that."

Amaya: "Why can't I find my social skills? ...that's right, because I'm Amaya."

Moar of the good stuff below~

Hunter: "I thought I was hunting a really weird-looking bear. Turns out I put three slugs into a tractor."
Amaya: "Don Quixote would be sooo proud..."

GM: "The two scores are 'MANGO' and 'CAUTION SIGN'."
Nicolette: "Not even real numbers?"
Ronnie: "There's a third team with zero."
Amaya: "Sounds like us."
Nicolette: *Facepalms*
GM: "At least that's a number."

Amaya: "Hey Aries? We made contact with Owen."
Aries: "Oh? And how did the meeting go?"
Amaya: "We let him in on what's going on so that he doesn't freak out over three federal agents hounding him."
Aries: "That would be stressful."
Amaya: "Don't worry, we didn't tell him too much, like what's in Area 51 or something. Anyway, Ronnie is going to watch him while Nicolette and I go do something."
Ronnie: "Hello, take pictures."
Amaya: "I dunno, maybe we'll do some female bonding or something."
Ronnie: "HELLO, take LOTS of pictures!"

GM: "You can take '20' on a purchase check because you can eventually buy an expensive item. Failing it doesn't mean your money burns and you're arrested immediately."
Amaya: "Unless this is Shadowrun."

GM: "Can I get a KitKat?"
Amaya: *Casually tosses a KitKat at the GM without looking*
KitKat: *Lands on the GM's lap without bouncing or falling off*
GM: "...can I get a hot lady?"

GM: "Since everyone made this roll, I don't have to write a secret note! Amaya, you catch this out of the corner of your eye. Ronnie, you also catch this out of the corner of your eye."
Amaya: "Someone is gonna catch this in the crotch, aren't they?"
GM: "Chances are good!" :D

Jersey Devil: *Flies over the team toward the truck driver*
Ronnie: *Shoots the devil out of the air with his newly purchased shotgun* "Hello, daddy likes!"

Ronnie: "Hello, we should get Owen to the hospital, chop chop!"
Amaya: "Uh, Ronnie? If you're going with them, could you toss me your car keys so we're not left stranded?"
Ronnie: "No way, jailbait." *Tosses the keys to Nicolette*
Amaya: "Well, yeah... I meant her as I don't have a licen-"
Ronnie: "HELLO, don't scratch the paint! And don't change the radio station!"

GM: "Nicolette, as you and Amaya pull up to the curb, the car besides you detonates. Time for shrapnel damage!"
Nicolette: "What the hell? Did I hit a Pinto or something?"
Amaya: "Ow! I got glass all over my character sheet."
Nicolette: "What?"
Amaya: "Hair. Dang IC/OOC tenses."

Ronnie: "Hello, I feel a great disturbance in the force. Like my BMW suddenly cried out in pain and then was silenced. Son of a **tch, if Nicolette survived I'm kicking her ass!"

Amaya: "Funny how the more questionable the legality of my actions are, the better my die rolls get."

Amaya: "Ronnie, we're at the hospital. Where are you?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I'm at the hospital."
Amaya: "...Before I punch you through the phone, WHERE in this hospital?"

Jimmy: "Perhaps in another life we'll actually rescue someone BEFORE the monster kicks the snot out of them?"

Cassie: "Stranger things have happened."
Amaya: "You ever wonder if thing can get so strange that it screen-wraps to mundane?"
Cassie: "Oh, yes; it's called Xanth."

Lakaz
2014-06-27, 12:50 PM
Perhaps the single greatest campaign intro in history:

GM: (Brief history exposition) And so, it came to pass, that you all met up at a T junction in an air vent, trying to break into the mayor's office.

DigoDragon
2014-06-27, 02:12 PM
Perhaps the single greatest campaign intro in history:

GM: (Brief history exposition) And so, it came to pass, that you all met up at a T junction in an air vent, trying to break into the mayor's office.

*Slow Applause of Awesome*

FinnLassie
2014-06-27, 04:09 PM
"Since he's already inside him, we might as well ship them now."

GPuzzle
2014-06-27, 04:34 PM
"They're armed."
"I have a shield."
"AND I'VE GOT A JAR OF DIRT!"

"This only isn't a vision of Hell because Hell would be prettier."

"Stop, you're making Cthulhu cry!"

"Welcome to Hell."
"Hell's prettier than I thought it would be."

Necroticplague
2014-06-27, 05:08 PM
GM:You know you're in WoD when the mute, illiterate, atavistic serial killer is the most sympathetic member of the group. At least he offer a quick death under the power of his swollen fists.

Fenreed
2014-06-27, 06:35 PM
[mid-combat]
Alejandro: "I seduce the witch."
GM: "Okay..."
Sacha: "I as well!"
[20 and 18 respectively]
GM: "You, ah... seduce the old hag. Bonus points for sexual experience, because she's been around the block a few times and taught you some things."

Freck: "I conjure a pink mumu to cover the chosen king's nudity..."

Silus
2014-06-27, 08:57 PM
From today's Star Wars game.

Customs Inspector: Sorry, no heavy weapons on the space station.
Trandoshan: Don't worry, it's not heavy. We can carry it one handed.

Pilot: So the hold music is the Imperial March?

Ex-Soldier: Oh God help us, the Jawa gave the Astromech THUMBS!

DM: It's a tagger gang.
Ex-Soldier: Did you say "Tiger Gang"?
DM: Yes. They're space tigers.

Pilot: Saw this on the internet: Lightsaber Tooth Tigers.

DM as ganger: So, what kinda music do you like?
Trandoshans: Untz untz untz untz...

janusmaxwell
2014-06-27, 09:34 PM
PC1: "We can't Roll the giant d20 by itself! You have to roll it on the floor, like bowling you know."
PC2: "I've bowled for years and my mother taught me an awesome hold for bowling balls" (Makes the Shocker sign)
PC1: Staring at PC2
PC2: "What? You don't get it?"
PC1: "No I got it, I'm just looking at you with abject hatred"

Alex12
2014-06-28, 12:30 AM
DM: The rest of you saw dozens of the monsters. You *indicates me* saw...I can't tell you the number, but it was lots.
Me: But just so we're clear, they can't fly?

DM: So it's the pony that's advocating more violence?
Me: They're horrible shadow monsters that kill people! Princess Luna takes that sort of creature down all the time!

DM: After killing the monster, you realize that while you gained 600 XP, the note promising a bounty doesn't actually tell you where to go or what to do to claim it.

Martin Greywolf
2014-06-28, 03:24 AM
I tried my best to present the quotes chronologically, but there were some I forgot about. So, without further ado:

Azula: He's too big to be a mimic octopus.
Nameless: Maybe he's two?

Nameless: What you reaching for better be a sandwich, cause' you're gonna have to eat it!

Nameless: Your friends might get me in a rush, but I want you to remember that all I needed to defeat your master plan, years in making, was a bucket.

Nameless: Well, he's not the sharpest knife in a drawer. More of a spoon, really.

Nameless: Do you wanna build a snowman?

Nameless: Wait, are mimic octopi a hive mind?

bulbaquil
2014-06-29, 12:20 AM
P2: "Where are the paper towels?"
P4: "The dragons are guarding them."

P4: "So we have a tiefling, a half-elf, a half-orc, and a GOLDEN GNOME approach this building..."

P1: "I'll go talk to it."
P3: "Do you speak Giant?"
P1: "...Sure, why not?"

GM: "So, congratulations. You've killed another evil intelligent plant."
P4: "YES! That puts me up to TWO!"

P3: *cupping hands as megaphone* "Will the druid who owns this moose PLEASE come forward?"

P2: "I have Knowledge (Arcana) now! I know stuff about magic!"
P1: "...We're dead."

P2: "I have roughly a d7 hit die."

DigoDragon
2014-06-29, 08:39 AM
GM: "I'm trying to decide between the H&K 227X or the FN P93."
Ronnie: "A P93?"
Amaya: "If the P90 is the woman of your dreams, then the P93 would be her hotter, younger sister."
Ronnie: "But that would make her 12 years old!" D:
Nicolette: "Dude, you have issues."

Ronnie: "Can you weild the 227X and the P93 one handed?"
GM: "I'm not sure if you can."
Ronnie: "You can wield the P90 one-handed."
Amaya: "And the P93 is apparently only 12."
Ronnie: "Hahaha... aww, awkward."

Ronnie: *Snaps the revolver back, dropping the cylinder on the floor*
GM: "Congratulations."
Nicolette: "There are guns that can do that."
GM: "I think we just witnessed one."
Nicolette: "No, I mean in real life."
Amaya: "What, so is the one you're holding photoshopped?"

Nicolette: "Now that I have an investigate skill, I learned something."
Amaya: "That this job requires investigating the crimes in order to solve them?"
Nicolette: "Yes!"
GM: "No!"
Ronnie: "Hello!"

GM: "She's been trying to lick the plug and stick her fingers in the electrical socket."
Ronnie: "That sounds like success."
Amaya: "No, it's Minute Rice."

Moar Below~

Alexander: "May I have some cream soda?"
Ronnie: "You're old. You'll die sooner."
Alexander: "And...?"
Amaya: "Hey, give a dying man his last rites and meal."
Ronnie: "Well that'll depend what he's planning to do with cream soda at his funeral. If he's marinading himself with it, that'll smell interesting."

GM: "Anything else of this plan I should know about?"
Amaya: "Let's see; I tagged the building to piss off the cult, we have a hurricane lamp for nightfall, and chains with locks to capture any Jersey Devils that show up... nope, we're good."
Ronnie: "Hello, don't like waiting."
Amaya: "I got something to smooth the time over." *Pulls out a bag of joints* "Medicinal evidence Doobie Snacks."
Ronnie: "Ronnie Doobie doo!"

Nicolette: "Where would you get the money for that?"
Ronnie: "Hello, maybe I retired."
Nicolette: "Retired from what?"
GM: "A bohemian lifestyle."

GM: "I didn't know Ronnie was into the furry scene."
Ronnie: "Hello, yiff-n-murr."

Nicolette: "Can I get you a drink?"
Ronnie: "Boss man only drinks the blood of virgins."
Jimmy: "DISTILLED blood of virgins. Do you think I'm uncouth or something?"

Ronnie: "So I'm close enough to this chick that I could violate her with my shotgun?"
GM: "Yes you are."
Ronnie: *Beat* "And my peni-"
Amaya: "Please choose the right weapon to fire!"

Ronnie: "Know anyone who likes disappearing in a puff of smoke?"
Nicolette: "That could describe any stoner."

Amaya: *Attempts to break into the house*
Alexander: "I thought we needed a search warrant to enter this place?"
Amaya: "Screw that, my poor choice of friends is being questioned."

Nicolette: "Ronnie, what are you doing?"
Ronnie: "You don't want to know, it's in braille."

Ronnie: *Walks into the bathroom*
Bathroom: *Explodes!*
Ronnie: "Hello!" *Matrix dodges the explosion. Closes the door*
Amaya: "Ronnie?! You alright?"
Ronnie: "Cough, cough. Yeah. Uh... don't go into the bathroom. Someone forgot to flush."
Nicolette: *Calls Amaya* "I heard an explosion. What are you doing in the house?"
Amaya: "Getting attacked by a bathroom."
Nicolette: "Should I be worried?"
Amaya: "Not yet. I'll let you know when."

Amaya: *Triggers an explosive rune*
Ronnie: *Triggers an explosive rune*
House: *Several explosions occur inside, waking up the neighborhood, setting off car alarms*
Nicolette: *Calls Amaya again* "Are you all done in there?!"
Amaya: "... oh yeah. This place is finished."

Ronnie: "Was that Drew Barrymore being erotic?"
GM: "I think that was her being an ad."

GM: "Canadian money is chocolate."

Amaya: "I'm sitting at the back of the party because I was told that I was going to be lynched by the Amish."

Amaya: "I think I can get into this church."
Nicolette: "Forgive us Pelor, for we're about to sin."

Nicolette: "Ronnie, get your shotgun. Amaya, did you buy a gun?"
Amaya: "When did I have that kind of time?"
Alexander: "Do you even know how to shoot a gun?"
Amaya: "I can pull a trigger."
Alexander: "Well if we're going by semantics, can you shoot a gun skillfully?"
Amaya: "I've never fired a gun in my life. Non-proficient."
Alexander: "Well see now, that's what I'm getting at."
Nicolette: "Do you need to borrow a gun?"
Ronnie: "Do you need to borrow a -4 penalty?"

Amaya: *Breaks into the church, makes her way to the back, and unlocks the back door*
Ronnie: "Hello."
Amaya: "Welcome to Pelor's house."
Nicolette: "Is Pelor in?"
Amaya: "Pelor will not be hosting tonight's party."
Weather OOC: *Lightning flash and thunder as the rain rolls in*
Team: *Dives away from the church and looks up, shaken*

GPuzzle
2014-06-29, 11:39 AM
Played Civ V with my friends. The quotes are amusing.

England: "Hey, Poland, you want to make a research agreement?"
Poland: "Invest in Eastern Poland plox."

Poland: "I'm gonna make an empire of toilet fixers."

Germany: "There's no beer in this game! Guess there's only one solution. Reich mode. Guten tag."
Poland: "So you're basically going to give us a call."

Rome: "They should add Yugoslavia as a Civ, and have their Unique Unit be the Kebab Removal Unit."

America: "I'm going full Estonia on this one. THERE IS NO GOD."

Brazil: "Visit Brazil before Brazil visits you."
*three turns later*
Brazil has declared war on Rome.
*two turns later*
Brazil has entered a Golden Age!

America: "I'm creating the KFA right now. It's solving my food problem very fast."
Germany: "KFA?"
America: "Kentucky Fried Austria."
*beat*
Poland: *facepalm*

England: "I've nearly won a war against the Celts."
Poland: "So you put them under your top hat?"
Celts: "Yes."

England: "Nothing ever happens in here."
Poland: "Well, it's very Pacific here."
England: *checks map* "GODDAMNIT, POLAND!"

Poland: "I WON THROUGH A SCIENCE VICTORY! POLAND CAN INTO SPACE!"

Drrakerr
2014-06-29, 08:27 PM
I've got a few from my current campaign.

"I'm getting a F****** BISON."

"It is my duty as a Paladin to save that demon spawn"

"Cause **** spoons"

Cleric:"You woke me up at three in the morning to cure a hangover?"
Mage:"I'm not proud of this either, but if that paladin pisses on one more of my golems I'm going to melt him.

Necroticplague
2014-06-29, 09:00 PM
Maya:Hey, have any of you guys seen Kreig around?
NPC:Yeah, he was sent to act as a diplomat for some of the local ork groups.
Maya:Are you kidding me? He's a violent psychopath whose main saving grace is being tougher than a starship.
NPC:Exactly, we figured he'd fit right in.
May:*sigh* Hows he at least doing, anyway?
...Elsewhere...
Kreig:Man, these people are awesome!Most places end a drinking contest when a bar brawl breaks out, these guys don't consider the contest started until the brawl starts!

Dusk Eclipse
2014-06-29, 09:31 PM
Captain Edwards Swift: I calmly lie on the ground in foetal position and start to cry.

ZeroGear
2014-06-30, 06:29 PM
More from our game:

"We're now called the Soul Forged."

"If you construct a crude horse out them, maybe they'll attack that next."

"It's ok, she doesn't have a bite attack."

[PC1] "I just realized that combat trained horses are masterwork horses."
[PC2] "Yeah! And animal companions are +1 horses!"

"Is it his turn to suffer falling cow damage?"

"All nonmagical cloth on you crumbles to dust."

"I am the iron d**k!"

"You appear attractive... to goblins."

"We keep the skull happy."

"We Horse our way over to Whiteslate."

"I make a teeth check."

"I thought my shadow was murdered..."

"Let's go reference these crocodiles to death"

"Regardless of remembering there's a crocodile in there, the surface of the water is on fire."

Amidus Drexel
2014-07-01, 01:49 AM
"Just use your imagination, it's realistic."

DigoDragon
2014-07-01, 08:26 AM
Amaya: "How much Exp did I earn?"
GM: "You leveled left."
Amaya: "I did what now?"
Nicolette: "Your new class is puppy dog."
Amaya: "No, that would be if I leveled down. A lot."
GM: "Your total Exp is officially -8."
Nicolette: "See, you're a puppy!"
Amaya: "Arf f****ing arf."

Nicolette: "I'll need to borrow your dice."
Amaya: "I left mine at home."
GM: *Angry glare*
Nicolette: "You ARE home. This is your apartment!"

Amaya: "We got three guys, two girls, and our token whatever."
Aries: "Hey!"
Ronnie: "Hello... I got nothing."
Nicolette: "You never had anything."
Ronnie: "Hey!"

Nicolette: *Turns on the light switch*
Amaya: *Hisss*
GM: "I think you just angered your goth."
Nicolette: "You okay?"
Amaya: "No, you just killed any bit of stealth we had left."
Nicolette: "Have you seen anyone here?"
Amaya: "No, and they were keeping the lights off!"

GM: "You only find honest to Pelor church stuff."

Alexander: "Uh, meep, mee mee meep mee...?"
Nicolette: "Did our cleric turn into Beaker?"
GM: "No, but you get a look at his attire."
Alexander: "I'm a tire? Like, steel belted?"
GM: "No. ATTIRE."
Nicolette: "Yay, we rescued the Michelin Man!"
Ronnie: "Woot! So does that mean I get to-"
Nicolette: "Put the tire pump down."
Ronnie: "Aww."

MOAR quotes here~

Alexander: "Here, sit in this pew."
Nicolette: "It's a chair."
Alexander: "Yes, yes it is."
Nicolette: "And it's facing the corner."
Alexander: "We need to talk face to face about some rules. Without the facing part."

GM: "Okay, how should I represent the altar? I got a dragon and an... M.C."
Alexander: "Go with the M.C., Could stand for Mister Christmas."
GM: "I'm now thinking of that line as being spoken by HarleyQuinn."
Amaya: (In her best HarleyQuinn voice) "Amen to that, Mr. Christmas."

Jersey Devil: *Crashes through the stained glass window*
Ronnie: "Hello!"
Jersey Devil #2: *Crashes through another window*
Jersey Devil #3: *Crashes through yet another window*
Ronnie: "Goodbye!" *Runs away*

GM: "Amaya, the devil moves in and take a swipe at you... and..."
Jersey Devil: *Hits with claw attack*
GM: "Oh I have to savor this one. Amaya, after 15 weeks, Fifteen, I finally hit you! you now take... (rolls a 1) ...four damage."
Amaya: "Ouch, first blood. That might actually sting."
GM: "No, you will not get off that easy! For it also cuts one of the straps to your top. Enjoy the waredrobe malfunction!"
Amaya: "Okay, only if this devil will enjoy a road flare up it's butt. (Lights a flare)

GM: "Nicolette, your shot misses and puts a hole in the window."
Nicolette: "I'd love to see next Sunday's sermon. Bullet casings on the floor, holes in the windows, blood splattered on the walls..."
Amaya: "We're definitely going to set a new precedent in this state. Thou shall not call the FBI."

Alexander: "I take out my holy symbol" (starts making a motion like he's turning a dial)
GM: "What, you got a Rolodex on that thing? Did you need to find your deity's number?"

GM: "Amaya, the Jersey Devil fighting you recoils from the fire of the road flare. It tries to escape, but fumbles into a back room."
Amaya: "I run over and shut the door."
Jersey Devil: "Growwrll!" *slams into door several times*
Amaya: "You seem angry. You want to open up and talk about your feelings?"
Jersey Devil: "Growwrll!" *slams into door several more times*
Amaya: "Okay, I'm getting really tired of your lot. Settle down! I know you can understand me."
Jersey Devil: "Growwrll!" *slam slam slam slam*
Amaya: *Opens the door wide and holds the road flare in a commanding stance* "SIT. DOWN."
Jersey Devil: *Sits*
Amaya: "Good bad devil."

Amaya: "Okay, after an odd growling conversation my theory is that these Jersey Devils are being controlled against their will. It feels pained to not follow through in attacking me."
Alexander: "Well it seems you have a pet now."
Amaya: "Do you want to pat it on the head?"
Nicolette: "I have a crazy idea. Make it eat my cell phone. It's compact and we can track it flying back to it's master's hideout using the GPS app."
Amaya: "Sometimes you have ideas so stupid that it wraps around to something semi-intelligent. Devil, eat this."
Jersey Devil: O_o?

GM: "It's like sugar!" *80's Musical sting*

Dispatch: "The town you're heading into has been abandoned. For quite some time."
Amaya: "You'll love to hear this one, Ronnie. We're in a ghost town."
Nicolette: "There's no one here but cultists, devils, and us."
Ronnie: "Hello, trying to think positive here."
Dispatch: "Do you need anything else?"
Amaya: "Sure, call for backup. It'll be while for them to arrive, but they outta get here while our dead bodies are still warm."
Ronnie: "Hello, not helping."

Alexander: *Sneezes*
Amaya: "Bless you."
GM: "He's a cleric. Shouldn't he be blessing himself? He has the spell."
Amaya: "...okay. Then curse you, Alex."

GM: "And... Nicolette is about to be eaten by a Grue."

GM: "Roll me a Survival check."
Alexander: *Rolls a 31*
GM: "You can see the Matrix code under the floor."
Amaya: "Pill?" *Holds up a blue d10 and a red d10 for Alexander*

Alexander: "It appears the link between dimensions here is weak."
Amaya: "Say that again Dr. Spock?"

GPuzzle
2014-07-01, 09:36 AM
PC1: "What's your Stealth rank?"
PC2: "High enough."
PC1: "What do you mean by that?"
PC2: "It's high enough to escape from TvTropes, it's high enough to do anything."

arcane_asp
2014-07-01, 11:29 AM
P1: I smash the bottle over his head.
DM: okay, he is knocked out.
P1: I take his lute and bardic clothing
P2: I grab the other bards instrument from the back of the cart.
DM: Sure, you have the other bards flute.
P3: I grab the third guys instrument and strike a foreboding heavy metal pose with acid mist curling from my Dragonborn nostrils.
DM: 3rd instrument in the cart is a Xylophone.
P3: ...

Ryu_Bonkosi
2014-07-01, 01:09 PM
GM: "Oh I have to savor this one. Amaya, after 15 weeks, Fifteen, I finally hit you! you now take... (rolls a 1) ...four damage."

I once played a game where it took me 10 weeks to roll a successful attack roll, and when I did, it was to crit a teammate who was under mind control and I dropped him into the negatives.

Also, have I mentioned that Amaya is freaking fantastic? Because I should have done so by this point.

THEChanger
2014-07-02, 12:24 AM
DM: So, just to be clear, Player One is riding Spock, with Player Two's permission, in Player Three's room?
Player Two: No, no! She's just cuddling with him.

Player Three: While you guys are doing that, I'm cuddling Spock.

Player One: Sometimes, the most powerful things are the most fragile.
DM: Like love...
*beat*
Entire table breaks down in laughter for ten minutes.

Martin Greywolf
2014-07-02, 03:38 AM
Nameless: Me Nameless! Me strong!

Nameless: <OOC> Oh, so those spiders were virgins?
DM: Maybe they were nerds.

Dragon: Have we met?
Nameless: You wanted to kill all humans. Twice.
Dragon: You'll... have to be more specific than that.

Cowardly Griffo
2014-07-02, 05:37 AM
Table Chatter: "The local witch population like to meet up at this tavern called the Breaded Orphan."

Dock guard: "And... why are you getting on a boat heading for the Darguun?"
Claymore: "My friend here is a very important chef. He's going to sample some of the local cuisine, to expand his menu."
Dock guard: "And why does he need a Warforged and a Rekkenmark graduate guarding him?"
Claymore: "He's a very important chef."

GM: "I'm not sure putting a Mark of Justice on someone's lower back is very Paladin-y."
PC 1: "Maybe if you're a Paladin of Sharess?"
PC 2: "What would it even say? 'Don't trust the elf?'"
PC 1: "Too late."

Rig: "Jeez, fine, I won't kill the creepy animated bow. What are you guys even going to do with it, adopt it as a pet?"
Claymore: "People are pretty used to walking weapons these days."
Rig: "With arms?"
Claymore: *raises arms.* "Yes."

GM: "Congratulations, you've hacked Jabba the Hutt's Tom Tom and started another robot revolution."

NPC: *Raises two vibroknives and charges giant lizard. Is promptly beaten to Tattoine and back.*
PC 1: "...I should get her to teach me how to fence!"

dramatic flare
2014-07-02, 06:10 AM
Sorcerer: So wait, the owlbear is not dead? We should take it back with us!
Summoner: And tame it?
Me: where the hell would we keep it?
Sorcerer: we have a ranger. he can empathize with it and make it less aggressive.
Ranger: No.
Summoner: No?
Ranger: I want a rug.

DigoDragon
2014-07-02, 06:31 AM
I once played a game where it took me 10 weeks to roll a successful attack roll, and when I did, it was to crit a teammate who was under mind control and I dropped him into the negatives.

Ouch! I hope that ended the mind control.
Back in the Shadowrun campaign I ran, Hugo was the hardest PC for me to hit. The one time I nearly killed him, it was by dropping a dwarf with a battleaxe on his head from off the roof of a pavilion. I don't remember the context for the dwarf, but I recall Hugo's player rolling almost all 1s for his defense and getting pasted all over the floor. Luckily the other PCs were able to stabilize and patch him up quickly.

Maybe I should of named that dwarf "Bridge". XD



Also, have I mentioned that Amaya is freaking fantastic? Because I should have done so by this point.

Aww, she totally is. My inspiration was Raven from the animated Teen Titans series. It took the GM so long to actually hit her because I'd keep using cover bonuses to my defense.



Table Chatter: "The local witch population like to meet up at this tavern called the Breaded Orphan."

That sounds like a tavern I'd have seen in the last D&D campaign I was playing in as a PC. :smalleek:



Ranger: I want a rug.

Spoken like a true ranger. :D

Sith_Happens
2014-07-02, 06:43 AM
Dock guard: "And... why are you getting on a boat heading for the Darguun?"
Claymore: "My friend here is a very important chef. He's going to sample some of the local cuisine, to expand his menu."
Dock guard: "And why does he need a Warforged and a Rekkenmark graduate guarding him?"
Claymore: "He's a very important chef."

Rig: "Jeez, fine, I won't kill the creepy animated bow. What are you guys even going to do with it, adopt it as a pet?"
Claymore: "People are pretty used to walking weapons these days."
Rig: "With arms?"
Claymore: *raises arms.* "Yes."

I choose to believe that "Claymore" is someone's intelligent weapon rather than the Warforged's name.


Aww, she totally is. My inspiration was Raven from the animated Teen Titans series. It took the GM so long to actually hit her because I'd keep using cover bonuses to my defense.

Wait, that was your character? She was pretty much my last guess.

Also, that feeling when being the only player in the history of RPGs to remember that cover rules exist pays off big time.:smalltongue:

Cowardly Griffo
2014-07-02, 07:30 AM
I choose to believe that "Claymore" is someone's intelligent weapon rather than the Warforged's name.What's the difference between an intelligent weapon and a Warforged?

Oh, right. 'Intelligent.' :smalltongue:
[/oldschoolzinger]

Parker the Clueless Werewolf: "Wait, are you saying Derek and Amy have been... cleaving?"

GM: *tries to pull up random name generator.* "No wait, that's solitaire."
PC: "No no, Solitaire is a great name for a werewolf blood dealer."

GM: "Nobody's ever seen The Swiss. They're shrouded in mystery."

PC: "Did we just get nuked with dubstep missiles?"

FinnLassie
2014-07-02, 07:44 AM
Ranger: "THAT'S LIKE THE FOURTH ANIMAL COMPANION YOU'VE KILLED."
DM: "Fifth."
Ranger: "Four of them MINE!"


"Just use your imagination, it's realistic."

Sigging. :smallamused:

GPuzzle
2014-07-02, 08:04 AM
Damn, that was close. I pictured Amaya more as Jinx, but with the hair being less weird. At least I got the series right.

Somensjev
2014-07-02, 08:23 AM
Damn, that was close. I pictured Amaya more as Jinx, but with the hair being less weird. At least I got the series right.

jinx was a bit upbeat for how i imagined Amaya, although, i can see why you'd think of her, Amaya almost seems like a combination of the two, all the goth of raven, but the witty replies that only a villain could have

Prince Raven
2014-07-02, 09:57 PM
Damn, that was close. I pictured Amaya more as Jinx, but with the hair being less weird. At least I got the series right.

I'm glad I wasn't the only one thinking it.

GPuzzle
2014-07-02, 10:04 PM
Dear Lord, Amaya's the perfect combination of the villain and the anti-hero, with all the shenanigans that DigoDragon is known for!

She's an awesome character!

No, that ain't right, awesome isn't that good of a word.

DigoDragon
2014-07-03, 06:38 AM
Also, that feeling when being the only player in the history of RPGs to remember that cover rules exist pays off big time.:smalltongue:

It really does. Some characters like Ronnie and Nicolette would never be at full hit points the entire adventure.



Damn, that was close. I pictured Amaya more as Jinx, but with the hair being less weird. At least I got the series right.

jinx was a bit upbeat for how i imagined Amaya, although, i can see why you'd think of her, Amaya almost seems like a combination of the two, all the goth of raven, but the witty replies that only a villain could have

Dear Lord, Amaya's the perfect combination of the villain and the anti-hero, with all the shenanigans that DigoDragon is known for!

Aww, you're all awesome for saying so. :smallredface: I am humbled.

dramatic flare
2014-07-03, 06:51 AM
(for context (Gasp!), the GM has a sweetie whom he is adorably courting nicknamed Narissa in our SCA-esque local scene)
GM: None shall ever compare to Narissa....
The entire party gives the GM a look.
GM: *Turning laptop around* Don't look at me, it's in the module!

DigoDragon
2014-07-03, 07:22 AM
GM: "I need you to move your drinks because the mat doesn't phase through them. Just devils."
Amaya: *Falls through a hole in the mat*
GM: "Get back here, she-devil! The game hasn't started yet!"

GM: "Nicolette, what did you roll for your Will save?"
Nicolette: "If I flash my tits at whatever this is, do I get a bonus?"

GM: "You find an old can of evaporated milk."
Amaya: "Ewww... evaporated..."
Nicolette: "Actually it might still be good."
Amaya: "Even canned food expires."
Nicolette: "Tell that to the army."
Amaya: *Shows the label* "This can ended before Vietnam did."

GM: "Nicolette, you notice two soldiers in the distance. Their style is remaniscent of World War 2."
Nicolette: "It was the night before Christmas, and all through the town, not a creature was stirring, except for these mofos marching in 2-by-2 formation."
GM: "Neat trick considering there are only 2 of them."

Trigger: *Appears in our dimension, dazed*
Ronnie: "What the Hell-o?"
Trigger: *Yells something in an otherworldly language, waving two guns at the team*
Amaya: "Don't look at me, the Yonkers girl here threw the blender at your dimension."
Ronnie: "Hello, mind not waving those things at my teammates? *Gestures with his shotgun*
Trigger: "...y'all speak the tongue of the slaves?"
Nicolette: "Well, its the English language, but we're not slaves."
Amaya: "Standard 40-hour wage slaves. That's close enough."
Nicolette: "Look, we are federal agents. I'm Nicolette, the teen is Amaya, and the guy there is Ronnie."
Trigger: "Who is your owner?"
Nicolette: "We are our own owners."
Trigger: "Don't you know it's against the law to leave your slaves unleashed?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I am the law."
Trigger: "It's also against the law to impersonate the law."
Ronnie: "Don't make me unhello you."

Trigger: "Are you... a mage?"
Amaya: "Yeah. I'm a spellcaster."
Trigger: "Oh! Forgive my familiarity, but back where I come from, the mages are tha ruling class."
Amaya: "I like her world."

Ronnie: "Alright then, so who are you?"
Trigger: *Pulls her guns out at Ronnie* "I reckon you don't point that shotgun in my direction."
Ronnie: "You drop weapons first."
Trigger: "I believe slaves do first."
Amaya: "You're on a hair trigger, aren't you?"
Trigger: "Do you know me?"
Amaya: "No..."
Trigger: "Then how'd you know my nickname."
Amaya: "Lucky guess by your calm personality."

Erik: "So what you're saying is that you tossed a blender into a vortex and a cowgirl with pistols came out?"
GM: "To be fair, that's misquoted. It wasn't a blender, it was a juicer."
Erik: "Oh okay, then the team juiced Trigger out of her dimension."
Trigger: "That sounds like a euphemism for something."

MOAR Quotes~

Trigger: *Meets Alexander* "You're a tall drink of water. One of them men of the cloth?"
Alexander: "No, I'm not a waiter."

GM: "Reality snaps back to normal."
Amaya: "Do we still see the sitting figures by the house?"
GM: "What figures?"
Trigger: "Figures."
GM: *Rimshot*

Nicolette: "Does this ranger station have an itinerary?"
GM: "7AM, get donuts."
Trigger: "7:30, eat donuts."
GM: "8AM, drink coffee."
Trigger: "8:30, drink more coffee."
GM: "9AM, keep it flowing boys."
Trigger: "9:30, Buzzed and ready fer the meetin'."
GM: "9:35, bathroom break."
Trigger: "2PM, finished using the bathroom."
GM: "2:01, lunch."

Trigger: "I just saw a black hole."

Trigger: "What are those?"
Amaya: "Jersey Devils."
Trigger: "And they... look like large flyin' kangaroo rats?"
Ronnie: "With fangs. And Claws. And one of them is digesting a Nokia."

GM: "You all approach the pasta ...wait."

GM: "You are attacked by Godzilla."
Amaya: "Which one, the Japanese one or the American one?"
GM: "Yes."
Amaya: "Okay, we can set the rubber one on fire and the other one is just BS CGI effects. We're safe."

GM: "Nicolette, roll me a hide check."
Nicolette: *Rolls a 4* "I'm like Dolly Pardon hiding behind a picket fence."

Nicolette: "Come on Alexander, you could have moved faster than this devil!"
Alexander: "Faith takes time!"

Trigger: "Objection yer honor, I'd like to strike myself from the witness stand."

Cult Leader: "I had such faith in you, Amaya. That you would leave these mundanes and join my cult."
Amaya: "Sorry lady, I mean, not that these people are all that bright and mature..."
Party: *Frowning at Amaya*
Amaya: "...but despite their faults and issues, they're pretty much my only friends."
Ronnie: "Hello, please stop describing us."

Explosive Rune: *Detonates next to Ronnie*
Ronnie: "Cough, cough... So. Not. Hello. Right now..."

GM: "The triggered explosive runes regenerate."
Amaya: "And this is the part where I pee myself in fear."

Trigger: "I search the desk."
GM: "Roll me a Search check."
Trigger: *Rolls a 1* "Ronnie, what are we searching here? It's not a desk, it's a pig! Named Winchester! A pharaoh!"

Alexander: "Good job, Amaya! The runes are gone! Now then, let's see about getting out of here."
Ronnie: "Hello, how about a little healing mojo first?"
Trigger: "Dibs on the first healing! I can't feel my face."
Amaya: "Dibs on the cold *itch's heart that I'm going to be ripping out for this nonsense of a haunted mansion!!"
Party: *Takes a step away from Amaya*
Nicolette: "I don't think anyone's going to fight you for that."

Erik: "This isn't a place, it's an experience."
Ronnie: "Like a bad batch of LSD."

golentan
2014-07-04, 12:46 AM
Solar 1: You've already lost an arm, you can't hope to win without the ability to even lift your sword.
Infernal: NO SURRENDER! *begins frothing*
Solar 1: Fine, then let's end this... OW, WHAT THE ****?!
Solar 2: On the one hand, I feel we should help our circlemate. But the other hand has been picked up by its former owner and was used as an improvised club to bitchslap (solar 1) through a house, and that is entertaining as hell to watch.

Sith_Happens
2014-07-05, 05:35 AM
(for context (Gasp!)

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/706/058/3cd.png


Trigger:

New PC?:smallamused:


Ronnie: "Don't make me unhello you."

I'm laughing really hard at this and I'm not entirely sure why.


MOAR Quotes~

Trigger: *Meets Alexander* "You're a tall drink of water. One of them men of the cloth?"
Alexander: "No, I'm not a waiter."

GM: "Reality snaps back to normal."
Amaya: "Do we still see the sitting figures by the house?"
GM: "What figures?"
Trigger: "Figures."
GM: *Rimshot*

Nicolette: "Does this ranger station have an itinerary?"
GM: "7AM, get donuts."
Trigger: "7:30, eat donuts."
GM: "8AM, drink coffee."
Trigger: "8:30, drink more coffee."
GM: "9AM, keep it flowing boys."
Trigger: "9:30, Buzzed and ready fer the meetin'."
GM: "9:35, bathroom break."
Trigger: "2PM, finished using the bathroom."
GM: "2:01, lunch."

Trigger: "I just saw a black hole."

Trigger: "What are those?"
Amaya: "Jersey Devils."
Trigger: "And they... look like large flyin' kangaroo rats?"
Ronnie: "With fangs. And Claws. And one of them is digesting a Nokia."

GM: "You all approach the pasta ...wait."

GM: "You are attacked by Godzilla."
Amaya: "Which one, the Japanese one or the American one?"
GM: "Yes."
Amaya: "Okay, we can set the rubber one on fire and the other one is just BS CGI effects. We're safe."

GM: "Nicolette, roll me a hide check."
Nicolette: *Rolls a 4* "I'm like Dolly Pardon hiding behind a picket fence."

Nicolette: "Come on Alexander, you could have moved faster than this devil!"
Alexander: "Faith takes time!"

Trigger: "Objection yer honor, I'd like to strike myself from the witness stand."

Cult Leader: "I had such faith in you, Amaya. That you would leave these mundanes and join my cult."
Amaya: "Sorry lady, I mean, not that these people are all that bright and mature..."
Party: *Frowning at Amaya*
Amaya: "...but despite their faults and issues, they're pretty much my only friends."
Ronnie: "Hello, please stop describing us."

Explosive Rune: *Detonates next to Ronnie*
Ronnie: "Cough, cough... So. Not. Hello. Right now..."

GM: "The triggered explosive runes regenerate."
Amaya: "And this is the part where I pee myself in fear."

Trigger: "I search the desk."
GM: "Roll me a Search check."
Trigger: *Rolls a 1* "Ronnie, what are we searching here? It's not a desk, it's a pig! Named Winchester! A pharaoh!"

Alexander: "Good job, Amaya! The runes are gone! Now then, let's see about getting out of here."
Ronnie: "Hello, how about a little healing mojo first?"
Trigger: "Dibs on the first healing! I can't feel my face."
Amaya: "Dibs on the cold *itch's heart that I'm going to be ripping out for this nonsense of a haunted mansion!!"
Party: *Takes a step away from Amaya*
Nicolette: "I don't think anyone's going to fight you for that."

Erik: "This isn't a place, it's an experience."
Ronnie: "Like a bad batch of LSD."


This might actually be your best batch yet, and that includes the Shadowrun ones.


Amaya: "Sorry lady, I mean, not that these people are all that bright and mature..."
Party: *Frowning at Amaya*
Amaya: "...but despite their faults and issues, they're pretty much my only friends."

Awwwww...


Solar 1: You've already lost an arm, you can't hope to win without the ability to even lift your sword.
Infernal: NO SURRENDER! *begins frothing*
Solar 1: Fine, then let's end this... OW, WHAT THE ****?!
Solar 2: On the one hand, I feel we should help our circlemate. But the other hand has been picked up by its former owner and was used as an improvised club to bitchslap (solar 1) through a house, and that is entertaining as hell to watch.

http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/9rNN8B2ul-M/maxresdefault.jpg

Spore
2014-07-06, 06:48 AM
This is the most fitting thread for this (not my party sadly): http://imgur.com/gallery/6yxLL

Sith_Happens
2014-07-06, 10:05 AM
This is the most fitting thread for this (not my party sadly): http://imgur.com/gallery/6yxLL

"Consistently does half of the party's total damage."
"Gave the Barbarian a saucy pick-up line and promptly learned never to do so again."

That's a Barbarian alright.:smallwink:

ZeroGear
2014-07-06, 10:39 AM
From a Myriad Song game:

"You have decided to drill a big hole into something."

"Going though the whole questioning montage,... [PC2] gets mugged..."

"Oh, he said 'bulbs'! I thought he said something else."

[PC4] "Do you know what is great for distracions? A GIANT DRILL!"
[PC5] "If you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail."
[PC4] "If you have a drill, everything looks like it needs to be pierced!"

DM "Do you have a weapon out?"
[PC4] "My arm is a drill, I ALWAYS have a weapon out!"

(P.s. [PC4] was a synth)

GPuzzle
2014-07-06, 12:11 PM
Why am I picturing PC4 as a mix of Kamina and Simon?

Jay R
2014-07-06, 12:52 PM
"Feats, don't fail me now!"

Sith_Happens
2014-07-06, 02:58 PM
Why am I picturing PC4 as a mix of Kamina and Simon?

Beats me. This space intentionally left blank.

ZeroGear
2014-07-06, 08:14 PM
Why am I picturing PC4 as a mix of Kamina and Simon?

I have no idea, but I can give you a better Idea of what he looked like:

Remember GutsMan from the old MegaMan cartoon? Picture that, slightly taller and more angular, with one arm thicker than the other at the shoulder and a big drill instead of a hand. give him a bit of a head decoration that looks like a scrap version of hair and you're done.
He was pretty much started out to run in and rip enemies to shreds with his drill, tanking damage along the way, while yelling: "CRIGGER SMASH!"

Rater202
2014-07-07, 01:20 AM
Spark? You're not allowed anywhere near my new leg.

Cowardly Griffo
2014-07-07, 02:01 AM
"I'm part of a secret society of crotchety old badasses."

Neli42
2014-07-07, 11:43 AM
Pugilist, challenging Barbarian: A fight then! Not to the death, but to the non-lethal unconsciousness!

PC1: So, what's the name of the village a little to the south?
GM: It's called "That Village a Little to the South."

Player1: So, just make your dog morbidly obese and suddenly he can carry more.
Player2: Physics is crying in a corner.

Codex
2014-07-07, 08:04 PM
"Oh crap, a Dolphin! We're doomed now."

"Okay, so the Gnome's being attacked by a Tinkerbell."

"Summon Monster 1 is pretty much Summon Flanking bonus."

"That thing almost ate our Monk! We are not calling it Altie!"

If anyone wants context, just PM me.

DigoDragon
2014-07-08, 07:38 AM
New PC?:smallamused:

Was an out-of-town old friend who joined in for a couple sessions. He had great chemistry with our group.



I'm laughing really hard at this and I'm not entirely sure why.

This might actually be your best batch yet, and that includes the Shadowrun ones.

Thanks. I just don't think it'll ever be easy to top the Majestic 12. That was one of the best. :smallsmile:
My brother found a handful of recordings from some of the Shadowrun sessions, so I should go through those and see if I missed any quotes.


Peanut Gallery: "Anyone want chapstick?"
Nicolette: "No thanks, I'm not hungry."

Nicolette: "Amaya, you're suddenly run over by 3 topless nurses in a wheelchair."
Ronnie: "Hello, not a bad way to go."
GM: "Depends what the nurses look like."
Nicolette: "Completely topless."
Ronnie: "Well, are they cute?"
Nicolette: "No, topless as in no upper torso."
Ronnie: "That's not a nurse, that's a trunk."

Alexander: "Oh, for a moment I thought we bumped into another Amaya."
Amaya: "There's not enough goth in the world to share."

Alexander: "Huh, I went up a level."
Amaya: "We all did, we just climbed the stairs."
Alexander: "No no, I went up a level after going up a level."
Ronnie: "Hello, we're only on the second floor. You should only have gone up one level."
Alexander: "I did! Only one level for going up a level."
Trigger: "That's still two levels partner."

Alexander: "Okay, I got 10 skill points to burn."
GM: "12 of them will go into your Creamy Nougat skill."
Nicolette: (Puts a Three Musketeer bar on the table) "Here's three of them."
Trigger: "That's only 3 points. 3 very light and fluffy-"
Alexander: *Yoink!*
Nicolette: "3 GONE points!"

Alexander: "My Sense Motive skill is now an ungodly 16."
Ronnie: "Ha, ironic choice of words, cleric."
Amaya: "With a 16, Alexander could know someone's sins just by looking at them."
Trigger: "Forgive me Pelor, for I hav-"
Alexander: "GUILTY!"
Trigger: "I was just gonna to ask a question."
Alexander: "That changes nothing!"

Nicolette: "That's a great gag gift idea! A claymore that opens up to reveal a medical kit!"
Party: *Stares at Nicolette*
Amaya: "You're a sick, sad woman Nicolette."

GM: "I like how your first line was 'You find a beached manatee on the whale'."

MOAR Quotes~

Alexander: "Why do you think they're called Humpback Whales?"

Amaya: "What's in the terrace?"
GM: "The terrace has several plants, gardening tools, two Jersey Devils, and two now broken glass windows leading outside. Everyone roll initiative."
Alexander: "By the grace of Pelor, my initiative bonus went up by 1 so my total roll is... 3."

GM: "Amaya, your initiative?"
Amay: "17. It's an average roll for me."
GM: "Right now you're the fastest character. You even beat Trigger who's got a bigger bonus than the Jersey Devils do."
Amaya: *Deadpan* "Yay... faster than the gun bunny."
Nicolette: "My total is a 19."
Amaya: "Damn, beaten out by the Jiggling Juggernaut."

Erik: Jiggling Juggernaut?
Amaya: "Nicolette is 6 feet tall and about 270ish pounds. She's a large woman."
Aries: "If she was a real person she wouldn't jiggle, she'd ooze. I'm that good of a cook."
Amaya: "...Um, okay?"

GM: "The Jersey Devil's turn is spent breaking in through the glass window. Nicolette's turn."
Nicolette: "Okay, first I-"
GM: "Lose your turn. Next!"
Nicolette: "I flick the devil off and then flash it."
GM: "It loses its turn."
Alexander: "Me too."

Alexander: "I figured that would grab a bunch of Dersey Jevils- wait, no."

Amaya: "I open the door."
GM: "As you open it, you hear a shotgun 'ka-chink' sound."
Amaya: "I duck to the side and mouth to the others: 'Crazy shotgun cult guy!'"
Alexander: *Gets low to the ground with his Ruger*
Nicolette: "This is the FBI! Put down your gun and come out with your hands up!"
Cultist: "I don't think so."
Nicolette: "Let's calm down, we just want to talk to you."
Cultist: "I'll only talk to the young girl Amaya there."
Amaya: "Me? I don't even know these cult members, why do they want to keep talking to me?"
Ronnie: "Hello, I think you're the lovable one."
Trigger: "Lovable like a cactus pillow."

Amaya: *Throws a lit road flare into the room with the armed cult member* "Fire in the hole!!"
Cultist: *Dives and locks himself in the bathroom*
Amaya: "Ha, it worked."
Ronnie, Nicolette, & Trigger: *Storms the room and barricades the bathroom door*
Cultist: "Wait... %$^#%@&#!!"
Ronnie: "Hello, nothing you can do in there now, stupid."
Cultist: *Blasts holes in the bathroom door with his shotgun*

GM: "The closet has a bag of dog food. Someone crossed out the word 'dog' and wrote in 'Jersey Devil'."
Alexander: "Devil chow?"
Amaya: "Sure, why not."
Nicolette: "Great, a Jersey Devil spots us so we distract it by throwing a bag of Devil chow. The 22 pound bag will cave in its head nicely."

Nicolette: "Remember, this banana will be the difference between starring in Tony Hawk or starring in Jackass."

Ronnie: *Pulls on his gold chain, gets a replacement clean suit unfolded over him*
Trigger: "I thought you weren't magical."
Ronnie: "Hello, got this over at K-Mart."

Necroticplague
2014-07-08, 09:01 AM
Kreig:Wait, so the new boss is whoever managed to kill the last one?
Ork:dats do long an' short of' it.
Kreig: That sounds open to abuse.
Ork:it means dat whoeva has da might or da guile tah leed us does so.
Kreig:Hmmm...Hey, can I borrow you Choppa for a sec, this macraggeii's been tough to crack.
*Chucks it at the current Cheif hard enough to one-shot him*
Kreig:Now that I'm the cheif, open my freaking beer. I have wars to make.

Cowardly Griffo
2014-07-08, 10:00 AM
Kreig:Now that I'm the cheif, open my freaking beer. I have wars to make.Wait, did he just seize control of an Ork horde without actually being an Ork? But only some kind of tactical genius could...

:smallfurious: KREEEEEIIIIGGGG!

Sith_Happens
2014-07-08, 12:49 PM
Alexander: "Huh, I went up a level."
Amaya: "We all did, we just climbed the stairs."
Alexander: "No no, I went up a level after going up a level."
Ronnie: "Hello, we're only on the second floor. You should only have gone up one level."
Alexander: "I did! Only one level for going up a level."
Trigger: "That's still two levels partner."

Wow, never thought I'd see that (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0012.html) gag again.


Nicolette: "That's a great gag gift idea! A claymore that opens up to reveal a medical kit!"
Party: *Stares at Nicolette*
Amaya: "You're a sick, sad woman Nicolette."

Even better gag gift: A claymore that opens up to reveal a medical kit... and then explodes.:smallbiggrin:

(Oh yeah, I've been meaning to ask, who does "Peanut Gallery" represent?)


Wait, did he just seize control of an Ork horde without actually being an Ork? But only some kind of tactical genius could...

:smallfurious: KREEEEEIIIIGGGG!

Thread. Done.

Marnath
2014-07-08, 01:17 PM
(Oh yeah, I've been meaning to ask, who does "Peanut Gallery" represent?)



Housemates who don't actually play with them, maybe?

DigoDragon
2014-07-09, 07:00 AM
Wow, never thought I'd see that (http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0012.html) gag again.

I honestly forgot we even did that one. I don't remember anyone in that group reading OotS besides myself.



Even better gag gift: A claymore that opens up to reveal a medical kit... and then explodes.:smallbiggrin:

I think I would go sulk in a corner if that became a thing. :smallsmile:



(Oh yeah, I've been meaning to ask, who does "Peanut Gallery" represent?)

Housemates who don't actually play with them, maybe?

Marnath is pretty much correct. Peanut Gallery represents the occasional friend who was there, but wasn't actively participating in the game.

DigoDragon
2014-07-10, 07:17 AM
Amaya: *Rolling a single d8 for no reason*
d8: 3
d8: 2
d8: 1
Amaya: "At what point does randomness come in?"
Nicolette: "I think your die is counting down to self-destruct."

GM: "Would you all like EXP?"
PCs: "Yaaay!"
GM: "Well that's too damn bad."
PCs: "Noooooo..." D:

Ronnie: "Hello, not stupid. I'm riding the Short Bus by choice."

Nicolette: "That's what I need! A flare gun that's belt fed!"
Alexander: "And why would you need that?"
Nicolette: "You never know when it would come in handy!"
Alexander: "Not even in Russia, comrade."

Nicolette: "The gun bunny can take the second devil."
Amaya: "Guns in melee cause attacks of opportunity. Maybe she can kick or rabbit punch... I did not intend that pun."

GM: "Alexander's turn."
Alexander: "Okay, both Nicolette and Ronnie are hurt so-"
GM: "Lost turn due to your visa expiring."
Alexander: "...okay, I can believe that."

Alexander: "Nicolette, accept this healing from the grace of Pelor!"
Nicolette: *Gets healed for +9 hit points*
Ronnie: "What, no vodka? And why is she smoking?"

Ronnie: "Hello, fiery vacuous death. Do Not Want."

MOAR~

Amaya: *Casts burning hands at the meat golem*
Meat Golem: *Takes bonus damage as it cooks*
Amaya: "Huh, this thing is vulnerable to fire."
Meat Golem: "GRRAWRR!" *Now it's on fire and tries to body-slam into Amaya*
Amaya: "Help! I'm about to be hugged by a burger patty!"
Nicolette: "You know, that belt-fed flare gun would come in handy about now!"
Alexander: "Shut up!"

Nicolette: "Okay, so Alexander said he's dragging Onnie back, minus the J in his name."
GM: "The J that Ronnie never had?"

GM: "Nicolette, roll me a Reflex save."
Nicolette: (Chanting at her dice) "Roll a 1! Roll a 1!"
d20 die: *Rolls a 1*
Amaya: "Seriously?" ¬.¬
Nicolette: "Woohoo!" :D

Ronnie: "Hello, you got sucked up a vent duct and popped out of a pillow. The fact that these cultists cut out out the middle man and made it so that you don't need LSD to trip on this place really pisses me off."

Amaya: *Opens the door*
GM: "This room is full of coffins."
Amaya: *Closes the door*
Nicolette: "You don't want to check in there? I thought you liked morbid things."
Amaya: "In the normal happy world, sure. In F'ed-Up Screwy world? No."

Nicolette: "It seems this is a puzzle involving Shakespeare plays. Amaya, you're the smart one."
Amaya: "Recall that I flunked out of high school."
Nicolette: "Yeah, but these stories all involve murder, incest, betrayal, and dark magic. That describes you to a T!"
Amaya: "I sense some murdering coming on about now."

Ronnie: "Hey, King Lear. Haven't read that one in ages. You know, the one about the king with the three daughters. Two were just ass kissers, but one never spoke and truely loved her papa. Heh, Here's a good one, MacBeth. Man, I love the castle guard and his rambling about alcohol and it's usefulness..."
Party: *Stares at Ronnie in bewilderment*
Ronnie: "What? Come on now. Murder, incenst, betrayal, and dark magic. What kid growing up in public schools hasn't heard of those concepts?"

GorinichSerpant
2014-07-11, 12:41 AM
Ronnie: "Hey, King Lear. Haven't read that one in ages. You know, the one about the king with the three daughters. Two were just ass kissers, but one never spoke and truely loved her papa. Heh, Here's a good one, MacBeth. Man, I love the castle guard and his rambling about alcohol and it's usefulness..."
Party: *Stares at Ronnie in bewilderment*
Ronnie: "What? Come on now. Murder, incenst, betrayal, and dark magic. What kid growing up in public schools hasn't heard of those concepts?"


I'm starting to feel that me and Ronnie share a particular mindset on a certain level, the more I think about it, the more we're similar. Even thought I don't know what he is talking about, but the ramblings of a supporting character(s) are usually my favorite parts in Shakespeare plays.

This of course means that after a dramatic story there will be a plot twist where Ronnie and Gorinich turn out to be the same person.

D.KnightSpider
2014-07-11, 09:24 PM
Lisa: "I need to build a church so that I can get a bookie."

--

Ray: "Good evening, gentlemen pirates. May I interest you in some fine elvish crockery? If you order in the next sixty seconds, I'll throw in a set of Ginzu-Steak-Knives-to-the-face!!"

--

Lisa: "I don't care how old he is. That fisherman has the overdue library book. He's. Mine."

--

Ray: "Did... did you just pull a minigun out of a miniskirt?"

Kid Jake
2014-07-11, 09:44 PM
These aren't from my usual group but from a new Pathfinder campaign I started tonight:

"I don't think that unicorn is going to let us leave here alive regardless of what we do."

Crazy PC: "What's that, in the river?"
Sheriff: "What? I can't see anything."
Crazy PC: *draws his bastard sword and raises it over his head*
Saner PC: *shakes his head frantically and makes the 'not here' motion* "You need to get your eyes CHECKED."
Crazy PC: *lowers sword confused*

Crazy PC: "I push the Sheriff into the spiders!"
*rolls terribly to trip*
Sheriff: "The hell are you doing?"
Crazy PC: "Watch out, you nearly fell into some spiders!"

Balmas
2014-07-12, 01:15 AM
"If we get him enough cursed items, can we turn him into a mech?"
"Maybe."


"You see a baby dragon."
"I claim the baby dragon! I shall take him, and I shall name him Gavin."
"Along with the crossbow?"
"It's a very confusing relationship."

Sith_Happens
2014-07-12, 03:30 AM
Lisa: "I need to build a church so that I can get a bookie."

You know you're an Orzhov when...


These aren't from my usual group but from a new Pathfinder campaign I started tonight:

"I don't think that unicorn is going to let us leave here alive regardless of what we do."

Crazy PC: "What's that, in the river?"
Sheriff: "What? I can't see anything."
Crazy PC: *draws his bastard sword and raises it over his head*
Saner PC: *shakes his head frantically and makes the 'not here' motion* "You need to get your eyes CHECKED."
Crazy PC: *lowers sword confused*

Crazy PC: "I push the Sheriff into the spiders!"
*rolls terribly to trip*
Sheriff: "The hell are you doing?"
Crazy PC: "Watch out, you nearly fell into some spiders!"

I don't know, it sounds an awful lot to me like you started a Pathfinder campaign with your usual group.:smallwink:

Cowardly Griffo
2014-07-12, 04:13 AM
Vampire PC: "I don't feel like going out to eat. Let's just stay in and order a pizza guy."

GM: "So... your letter basically reads 'sorry about your son getting shot in the face with a shotgun, boy those humans sure are dangerous huh, how about we team up?'"
Sonja: "Yeah, but it's written in a friendly tone."
GM: "Pinning the letter to their fridge after breaking in and stealing their serial killer map does not a friendly tone make."
Richard: "Also, we're signing it 'Love, the Ma'atley Krewe.'"
GM: "That doesn't help."

<Table Chatter:> So we just have to tag the pigeon's DNA with a genetic marker before we send it back in time. Then we can do genetic tests on the city's pigeon population today, and we'll know if this is an actual time window or just an elaborate hoax.
GM: Yes, that seems like the simplest solution.

GM: Guys, no, you cannot use time travel to become an NPC's grandfather retroactively.
PC 1: What about proactively?

Rater202
2014-07-12, 09:05 AM
These are from a Play by Post here on the forums
Part 1 of 2

Hey! Hey! Everyone. Listen. Check thes out: What if we thake the paper on th' walls...and th-th-ssss...sthuff the holes with, um, the paper? Or...other sthuff.

"I love you guys. You're all my best friends."[/QUOTE]

You're warm. And soft.

Oh my gosh, my hoof is huge!

Aww, whadya do that for? The semi-coherent Adepha complains to Spark, seeing her big shiny delicious glowy-thingy suddenly drain empty.

Hey, quit foolin' around...hey! Adepha waves to Sabina. Sabina, ya never told me ya had a twin! By the queen she's so fluffy! Adepha flies over, attempting to hug Sabina, somehow managing to pick the right one from the doubles she is seeing.

"My... twin?" "D-Did I... miss something?"

Guys! The Room is spinning!

Yer right Gear, she is soft. An' warm. Wait, room spinnin'? Grab my hoof Gear! The room isn't spinning over here! Heheh, that rhymes.

Um, are they ok?"

"You mean in general or just right now?"

Rater202
2014-07-12, 09:19 AM
Part 2 of 2

Naah. Yer warm. Yer like an, uh, big, walkin' E-Rock. Except better. Ya know why? 'cuz yer mah best friend.

Yer my best friend too Adepha. Y'all er. every last one of you guys is the best friend I ever had. Better than Silver Dagger. Guy sold out his siblings-his blood, and ponies that were my friends, to get out of the empire, only for the thugs to go back and take him to the mines anyway. Heard they worked that backstabbing bastard to death. Good riddance. But still, poor Golden...


But know. You guys ain't nothink like him. Y'all are good friends.. I love you guys. You guys are awesome, and I love all of ya.


Love ya guys. Love ya....

Guys! My hoof is made of metal!

Wait, I knew that already. *Yawn* why am I tired now? What just happened, and why am I craving hay-tacos?

Cystals! Coming out of the Walls.

Oh by the heart, nopony tell mother.

A Trap does all of us with Hallucinogens.

With the Exception of Sabina, we were all tripping

Ninjaxenomorph
2014-07-12, 08:46 PM
"It's a move action to flip them off."

bulbaquil
2014-07-13, 07:38 AM
P2: "We have [former villain NPCs] in the party! Why *wouldn't* there be sarcastic jabs?"

GM: "Why did you buy a headband of alluring charisma +6 for yourself? No, for your bird?"

P4: "You're too slow!"
P3: "We're fighting a quickling, so yeah, I [i]am too slow."

P2: "I DON'T GET FAKE DYSENTERY!"

P3: "13 plus 11 plus 2 for cold terrain... do I catch anything?"
P2: "In six seconds of fishing!?"

Lakaz
2014-07-13, 04:45 PM
"So wait, have i been healed yet or what?"
"Yeah, Irak got a friend in who was a specialist in Magical Lung Healing(Tm)"

"You sat on the baby again"

"Hey, it's not my fault. You just have this aura about you, it's... it's practically palpable. It just makes anybody near you want to shoot you in the face"

"STOP IN THE NAME OF THE FROG PATROL!"

Neli42
2014-07-14, 01:02 AM
So, I had the opportunity to observe a Pathfinder campaign my son has been GM-ing for over a year now for the first time. One from them for you today:

PC1: Attempt to seduce backpack.
GM: Really? The backpack?
PC1: Yes. Attempt to seduce the backpack.
GM: Fine. You attempt to seduce the backpack.
PC1: [rolls a 20]
GM: The backpack sprouts a vagina.

Cowardly Griffo
2014-07-14, 02:36 AM
Rio Grande: I fall through the skylight, covered in feral cats.
GM: No you don't.
Rio Grande: Okay.

GM: You block the giant squid with your bulletproof bishie sparkles.

D.KnightSpider
2014-07-14, 06:19 AM
GM: And how do you propose to dual-wield fishing rods?
Ray: With finesse, dexterity and deadly efficiency.

--

Lisa: Harrison Ford would be eating his heart out... if the shame hadn't killed him.

--

Ray: I shall name him 'Ducky' and he shall be my pet.
Lisa: No.
Ray: I shall name him... 'Sharkie'?
Lisa: No.
Ray: What about 'George'?
Lisa: I don't care what you propose to name him. You are not keeping the anaconda!
Ray: Okay. Okay... Hey, have you chosen a familiar yet?
Lisa: NO!
Ray: Is that a 'no, I haven't' or a 'no, do not want'?

Erik Vale
2014-07-14, 09:06 AM
To be honest, it'd be more of a animal companion, and wizard/sorcerer/etc animal companions suck balls.

DM: I think I've found two safe adventurers. Hey ****! I found two sane adventurers, they find stuff that could kill them and prepare to run.
****: You're joking.
DM: Nope. If you three play together, I think I'll call it the safety table.


DM: Ok, you both earn 2075 Xp.
We: Yay.
DM: [Me] You earn an extra 500 xp for using minor image to turn an encounter into a laughing stock.
Me: Woo!
DM: [Ranger] You earn an extra 100 Xp from using your spare short sword to open a potentially trapped chest, instead of the new wand you just found like the sorcerer suggested.
Me: Yea...

Other DM: Wow. My first TPK. And one was suffocation inside a bag of holding.

Me: I'd heard that Glitterdust was OP before, but I never truly believed it.
DM: Yea. You made two encounters survivable with it, and turned the other one into a turkey shoot.
Me: Yea. Blind, and then put a wall up before it get's it's vision back. Poor dino.

[Ranger]: Well we had to play safe. It was two of us, and I escaped the first trip by 1 HP. [Me] using minor image was a laugh though.



Yea. We were roughly CR 2.5 [Level 4 and 5]. First random adventure [because context] handed us our buts in one encounter. Second one we managed to face down a trio of CR 3-4 encounters. All and all a good days work... Optimized Gods really make up for the unoptimized.

DigoDragon
2014-07-14, 10:28 AM
Ray: "Did... did you just pull a minigun out of a miniskirt?"

I'm picturing it like Maya from Wild Arms 3. Shake the skirt and *BAM* minigun drops.
So ridiculous it's funny.



A Trap does all of us with Hallucinogens.

With the Exception of Sabina, we were all tripping

That was such a great scene. Kinda miss that Sabina failed to be trapped by the... err, trap. :smallbiggrin:


GM: "Amaya, are you ready for your Exp?"
Amaya: "Sure."
GM: "Two."
Amaya: "Yay. I can retire in epic-level luxury."

GM: "You pour the healing potion directly on your boobs. The rest can heal later."

Nicolette: "I dunno man. First Ronnie went sliding down the stairs as Tony Hawk, and then he got followed by two big orbs covered in nylon. The floor met them abruptly."
GM: "Did Amaya just fly down the stairs too or is she a Gradius boss?"

Amaya: "Ronnie, you alright?"
Ronnie: "Hello, perfectly alright for only having 15 hit points left."
Amaya: "Okay, so what's this basement look like?"
GM: "Actually, the stairs opened up to the terrace outside."
M. Bison: "Of Course!"

GM: "You see several patio tables and chairs."
Amaya: "Great, the cult was hosting a BBQ."

Nicolette: "Spell components in the storage closet? They have a gallon of bat guano on tap?"

Trigger: "I found a postage stamp."
Nicolette: "Nah, that's a halfling thong."

Nicolette: "This sounds like the set up for a joke. A cleric and detective crawl underneath a powder room table..."

Moar Quotes:

Nicolette: "Wait, the crawl space Amaya is in? It's only 5 feet deep, right?"
GM: "Yes, she entered under the table and comes out in the closet across the hall."
Nicolette: "So if I step aside, Amaya can look at her own behind still sticking out of the powder room passage?"
GM: "Yes."
Amaya: "Why didn't anyone tell me my butt was so big?"
Ronnie: "Hello, we're not that brand of stupid."

Amaya: "I'm starting a fire."
GM: "Obvious question, do you have the tools to start-"
Amaya: *snaps fingers* "Presidigitation."
GM: "Okay. Not sure if you were willing to burn a spell for it."
Nicolette: "This is Amaya. She can shove a painting in the fireplace and cuss at it until it ignites on fire."
GM: "She's that angry, huh?"
Ronnie: "Hello, why is the fire blue?"

GM: "The next painting is of a Slavic lady. She-"
Nicolette: "Is it a guy or girl?"
GM: "Um, a girl. Hence why I used the words lady and she."
Nicolette: "It could still be a guy."
GM: "Nicolette, your player is the dump stat."

Amaya: *Opens the door*
GM: "Reflex save."
Amaya: (Rolls) "21?"
GM: "You hit the floor in time to dodge the cloud of flying glass shards going over your head. You're ok, the dining table behind you isn't."
Amaya: "Fffff..."
Ronnie: "Hello, this place is bullsh**."
Trigger: "Finally, something we both agree on."

LaBlonc: "Oh look, you brought a gun."
Amaya: "And a lot of hate behind it."
LaBlonc: "Good, the new world will need that."
Amaya: "Then let me give you a goodbye kiss from the old one." (Shoots LaBlonc)

GM: "I'm sure the dwarf's DEX isn't an 18."
Amaya: "It might be if this was a percentile system."

Nicolette: "Okay, this magic barrier stops bullets."
Ronnie: "Melee it is then." (Pulls out his medallion and chain, swings it and nails a cultist in the face)
Cultist: *Blood splatter and drops*
Ronnie: "Hello! I reject your bullsh** and substitute my own!"

Cultist: "Your bullets cannot penetrate this barrier."
Amaya: *Swings the shotgun through the barrier. Nails cultist in the face*
Cultist: "Oww... well played."

GM: "Great, you got the miniature one foot pornicorn."

Ronnie: "Come on dwarf, stand up and fight! Oh, you are standing."
Dwarf: *Swings a dagger at Ronnie, but misses*
Ronnie: "Hello, want me to get you a chair from the dining room?"

Alexander: "Come to me, my sinners. I shall anoint thee with Miranda Rights."

Nicolette: "I am agent Nicolette Sheridan. I want you all to sit down cross-legged here as Ronnie hands out paper and pencil. Whoever writes me the best detailed short story on turning over state's evidence doesn't get to spend life in prison with all their loser friends."

Jimmy: "Should I be concerned about all the bleeding people exiting the building?"
Amaya: "Half the people coming out are victims of the cult. The other half are victims of us."

Ronnie: "I'll take bonus Exp if the GM is offering. Kids in a candy store. Rhinos in a china shop. Peas in a pod... ...Okay, I lost my train of thought here."

Amaya: "Is it too much to ask for a few days of normalcy ?"
Jimmy: "We're in OPRI, Amaya. Weirdness is the job."
Amaya: "Yes, but it's cutting into my weekends."

Necroticplague
2014-07-14, 11:32 AM
Player1: O.k., I draw my fullblade-
Player2: Wait, when did you get a fullblade?
Player1: I've had it this whole time. A lucky sleight of hand and some poor search on their part let me hide it on my person.
Players3: Wait, we were strip searched, how did you conceal a fullblade nude?
Player1:Very uncomfortably.

IAmTehDave
2014-07-14, 03:28 PM
Player1: O.k., I draw my fullblade-
Player2: Wait, when did you get a fullblade?
Player1: I've had it this whole time. A lucky sleight of hand and some poor search on their part let me hide it on my person.
Players3: Wait, we were strip searched, how did you conceal a fullblade nude?
Player1:Very uncomfortably.
In the back of a Volkswagen?

PC1: You're not flying this thing drunk are you?
Later-
PC2: Is the airship supposed to be cursing like that?

Edit: Man I wish I could find a decent modern type game near me. Fantasy's fun and all, but I'd love to get up to some Urban Arcana shenanigans...

ZeroGear
2014-07-14, 04:19 PM
Nicolette: "Okay, this magic barrier stops bullets."
Ronnie: "Melee it is then." (Pulls out his medallion and chain, swings it and nails a cultist in the face)
Cultist: *Blood splatter and drops*
Ronnie: "Hello! I reject your bullsh** and substitute my own!"


Nice use of Mythbusters paraphrase! Adam would be proud.

Cristo Meyers
2014-07-14, 08:28 PM
I'm picturing it like Maya from Wild Arms 3. Shake the skirt and *BAM* minigun drops.
So ridiculous it's funny.

I knew I liked you for a reason...

--

Overheard at the gaming table:

"Dice? What dice? All I see in front of me are polyhedral crystallizations of deceit and malice..."

Tetraplex
2014-07-14, 11:29 PM
Archer: "I jump on the druid's head and screech my defiance to the heavens."

Druid: "Grab my fang. Come on, it's fine. It's fine. A tradition among my people. Of trust."

Necromancer: "Are the ghouls carrying anything?"
GM: "At your command, the ghouls empty out their pockets, revealing naught but a few gold pieces, a damp tinderbox..."
Druid: "...and a soaked dirty magazine."

"Why are all the monsters here so much chattier than the townsfolk?"
"Maybe we were right to burn that town down..."

"What if frogs don't go to prison?"

"The fleshraker in the tricorn hat and I are going to investigate that noise."

"Considering what we've found so far, that ring probably just drops feathers around you or something..."

Cowardly Griffo
2014-07-15, 01:55 AM
"Milord, you are under arrest for kidnapping without a license, cruel and unusual horticulture, and violating owlbear leash laws."

Sith_Happens
2014-07-15, 05:41 AM
M. Bison:

...Wait, what.

DigoDragon
2014-07-15, 06:42 AM
"Dice? What dice? All I see in front of me are polyhedral crystallizations of deceit and malice..."

So much truth right there. :smallbiggrin:



...Wait, what.

I removed the context. Makes it funnier, I think. :3

Necroticplague
2014-07-15, 08:53 AM
Shibu:Well, hello their.
Naix:What is this, some crappy game of "where's waldo"?
Shibu:Oh no, we're not playing that. You've already suceeded, here I am. No, we're playing something more interesting.
*Turns around in chair, revealing self to be a flickering shadow with two glowing red lights for eyes*
Shibu:We're playing "what's waldo" instead. I'll give you a hint, "about to leave survivors" is not one of them.

IAmTehDave
2014-07-15, 11:04 AM
We're playing "what's waldo" instead. I'll give you a hint, "about to leave survivors" is not one of them.

...I'm stealing this line.


Cleric: Does this guy look familiar to anyone?
DFA: I think we've killed him before. And now he's a zombie.
**carves a II on the forehead**
DFA: That way we'll know if we run into him again.

Tetraplex
2014-07-15, 11:30 AM
Cleric: Does this guy look familiar to anyone?
DFA: I think we've killed him before. And now he's a zombie.
**carves a II on the forehead**
DFA: That way we'll know if we run into him again.

Ah yes. Also an excellent precaution when preparing to deal with anything that can shapeshift. Use washable marker and even if the doppelganger copies the big red X on their forehead it would have to be pretty tricksy to 'wash' it off in front of you.

ZeroGear
2014-07-15, 04:30 PM
Ah yes. Also an excellent precaution when preparing to deal with anything that can shapeshift. Use washable marker and even if the doppelganger copies the big red X on their forehead it would have to be pretty tricksy to 'wash' it off in front of you.

Unless, of course, it shape shifts first, then puts a red X on it's forehead with washable marker.

Necroticplague
2014-07-15, 04:45 PM
Unless, of course, it shape shifts first, then puts a red X on it's forehead with washable marker.

Which is why you use a non-symetrical mark, like an E. When people draw it on themselves, they usually get it backwards.

janusmaxwell
2014-07-15, 10:01 PM
Which is why you use a non-symetrical mark, like an E. When people draw it on themselves, they usually get it backwards.

One Piece had a good solution. Put a mark on your arm and cover it with a colored bandana. If the doppelganger shows up they'll only know to put on the bandana, not the mark underneath it.

janusmaxwell
2014-07-15, 10:09 PM
Crime Lord NPC: "I can help you, but in return you all must swear fealty to me for a year and sign this contract."
Fighter: "Ehh, why not. We don't have much of a choice."
Out of Character the fighter's player says "We don't have to actually do it if we don't want to"
Suddenly noticing the DM's smile, Wizard casts detect magic on the contract. And it's magical though the DM doesn't tell us what type of magic it is.
Group starts arguing in character about signing a paper that'll probably curse/kill us or something else horrible if we don't actually work for the evil wannabe kingpin.
Neutral Good Cleric (me): "We don't have a choice do we? There's no way around this situation."
As I sign the contract I make a big show of showing the other party members that my signature on the stupid macguffin is "Harry The Hamster"
And no, that wasn't my cleric's name.:smallcool:

Laserlight
2014-07-15, 10:49 PM
Shadowwolf: "I've never taken damage from being packed into an ice cream box before!"

GPuzzle
2014-07-15, 10:57 PM
"Come with me if you wanna live!"

"Attacked by a Druid, death by allergy to kittens."

"What were you doing during the last 3 hours?"
"Becoming a Knight of Maine."

"He is a noble - he probably knows 37 different ways of holding a teacup but doesn't know how to carry a shield properly."
"I HEARD THAT! AND THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO HOLD A TEACUP, YOUNG MAN!"

FidgetySquirrel
2014-07-16, 12:08 AM
Me, to the not-yet-raging-for-some-reason orc barbarian: You swing like a baby goblin!
DM: The orc enters a rage and power attacks. *rolls dice* Fumble! *rolls for the fumble table* Aaand he promptly chops his own head off with the other side of his double axe.
Me: Told ya!

DigoDragon
2014-07-16, 08:03 AM
Shibu:We're playing "what's waldo" instead. I'll give you a hint, "about to leave survivors" is not one of them.

Oh wow, that's epic. :3


GM: "And we have Amaya with her commanding 1000 Exp point lead."
Amaya: "I'd like to make it a True Daily Double, Alex."

GM: "And out of all the cult members, the one that wised up didn't get shrapnel to the face."
Alexander: "We were supposed to wise up?!"
Amaya: "No, the bad guys. We're too far gone."
Alexander: "Oh good. For a moment there I was worried. We don't have levels in WiseGuy."
Amaya: "I have levels in WiseAss. I got the smartest butt in town."
Alexander: *Cracks up laughing*
Ronnie: "So when you use the bathroom, do you wipe with your INT score?"
Nicolette: "Doesn't that make INT her dump stat?"
GM: "I don't know which of you I hate more now."

Amaya: "I call the bank to see who the hell has been depositing money into my account."
GM: "Ok, the bank asks for your pertinent info; Age, orientation, cup size..."
Amaya: "Not what I want in 'personal banking'."

Amaya: "Did you get a car in America, or did you ship over your own car from Russia?"
Alexander: "I bought one here in the States."
Amaya: "Okay, 'cause it would be awesome to see a car in the FBI parking lot with KGB vanity plates."

Dion: "Did you bring a Jersey Devil back?"
Amaya: "Not one living, no."
Nicolette: "We brought ash and fur samples, but our resident witch may now have the knowledge to magically conjure one for you."
Amaya: "Depends if you all want a petting zoo in the Federal Building."
Dion: "I don't care if we have a zoo here. Summon me up one of them devils!"
Nicolette: "While you summon Satan, I'm going down the street to Baltimore for a latte'. Anyone want anything?"

GM: "Amaya, what's on your mind?"
Nicolette: "Choose the form of the destroyer!"

Alexander: "Where is this new case located?"
Jimmy: "It is in Austin, Texas."
Alexander: "How Austintacious."
GM: "Hate. You."
Amaya: "Ignore him, he's a little Waco."

MOAR Quotes~

Amaya: (Counting bullets in her new handgun's magazine) "11, 12, 13...? I'm missing one."
Alexander: "My gun is seriously unloaded."
Amaya: (Pulls back the slide on her gun) "Ah! That's where the last one went to."
Party: !!!

Jimmy: "Okay Nicolette, they granted your request. We're renting 3 SUVs."
Amaya: "Hellooo carbon footprint."
Nicolette: "Hey, this one is used. It still has chupacabras under the bumper!" (scrape scrape)

Ronnie: "Hello, what do the British know about English? ...wait."

Maritza: (Tries calling the foreman in the mine with her cell phone) "Come on, pick up, pick up, pick up... oh, right. Aluminum mine."
Nicolette: "Nature's Faraday cage."

Alexander: "Maybe instead of mining our own business, they should business their own mine?"

GM: "You are greeted by a large burly man of a foreman, in a full hazard mining suit. He pulls off the hood and the first striking oddity is that he's got a lit cigar in his mouth."
Alexander: "Isn't that dangerous?"
Amaya: "Given he's standing before us I'd say the odds are still in his favor."
Pablo: "Eh, you got better chances catching lung cancer in those mines then dying from this cigar."
Alexander: "But... okay, I see now that they do things waaay differently in Texas."

GM: "Ok, Pablo leads you into the mines. Are you claustrophobic?"
Alexander: "No."
Amaya: "Nope."
Nicolette: "You are now!"

Nicolette: "You asked the foreman for how much ore they mine in a month because you are an investigator/'investor'. He gives you an incomprehensible figure that's big/'exaggerated'."

Pablo: "Ugh, and we just bought that drilling machine."
Amaya: "Where did you get it?"
Pablo: "It was American built, here in Texas."
Alexander: "Maybe that's the problem?"
Amaya: "Thanks for taking my country down a notch."
Alexander: "And you who has been taking every other country down?"
Amaya: "Just me being an American."

GM: "Your phone bursts into blue flame."
Nicolette: "Can you hear me now?! Blue flame network my butt!" (Throws the phone)

Nicolette: "The workers are like zombies. I must do the Dance of Eros to see what arises."

Nicolette: "As a matter of National Security, you're coming with me. We are locking you up in a room and throwing away the room."

Ares: "Finding a vein of pure Aluminum in a mine is like finding a hot girl in your school computer club."

Cassie: "Someone might want to tell Ronnie he's replaceable ... by a 16-year old girl with an attitude problem."
Ronnie: "Hello, we have nothing in common. We're like the difference between your mom and an ill mallard. One's a sick duck... I forget the rest of it but your mother's a d12!"

Frynge: "I have no idea where you're going with this theory."
Ronnie: "To the farthest reaches of outer space!"
Alexander: "To the Frynge of the galaxy?"

Jimmy: "It must have been sympathetic brain damage from watching you take all those falls."
Nicolette: "So your brain damage is a sign that you care?"

Marnath
2014-07-16, 08:32 AM
GM: "Great, you got the miniature one foot pornicorn."


What. I know there's not supposed to be context, just... what does this mean?

DigoDragon
2014-07-16, 02:31 PM
What. I know there's not supposed to be context, just... what does this mean?

I honestly can't remember the details. It was in reference to a dwarf cultist who was knife-fighting with Ronnie.

I'm guessing there was some kind of unicorn joke in that, but I think this campaign took place before G4 My Little Pony, so it wasn't likely one of those kind of unicorns.

IAmTehDave
2014-07-17, 03:17 AM
Player 1: I'm going to use autohypnosis to memorize the secret phrase.
D20: Natural 1
Player 1: Uhh...trying again?
D20: Natural 1, sucker.:smalltongue:
DM: Yeah you have a permanent mental block on the phrase. (PC1) is never going to be able to pronounce the words correctly even when repeating after someone.
PC2: No, it's LevioSAH, not LeviOHsa.....Jeez, (PC1) this isn't that hard.

Cowardly Griffo
2014-07-17, 04:48 AM
Landis: "Hush now, I'm being offended on your behalf."

Hyena
2014-07-17, 08:57 AM
[17:55:56] Socksy: What's the car made of
[17:56:08] 林凱全: car stuff

Komodo
2014-07-17, 07:27 PM
"So, let me see if I have a grip on the situation...The orange sector, which is just down that way, is explodey, fire is spreading to the RED sector, bots are attacking Rank and Pimple, Crack is doing something to a console, and I'm high as a kite. Have I missed anything?"

Stellar_Magic
2014-07-17, 11:44 PM
I've got a couple from a Saga Edition campaign I ran a couple years ago... It was really quite fun and we had a lot of ridiculous house rules in play.

Amp A sixteen year old cathar-zeltron hybrid, the ship's navigator and unofficial heart. Spent her share of the prize money on pirated ships to outfit her quarters with a hot-tub.
Ash Bralor A fourteen year old mandalorian teenager and GMPC, has the single worst luck of anyone in the game. Amp's boyfriend.
Nyx Crane Party leader and Captain of the Red Queen, an Umbaran force sensitive that has been caught-up in the rebellion in the Mandalorian Sector.
Kad'ika Bralor Nyx Crane's second in command, a miraluka adopted into the Bralor clan... surviving young-ling from Order 66. Adoptive daughter of Beskar'tal Bralor a mad scientist of a Mandalorian who makes mechs.
Roya Bralor Ash's older sister and a tinkerer. She comes with a heavily modified droideka she named Wheels.

Nyx Crane: *Fires at a TIE Bomber charging his position with a DL-44*
GM: Roll to attack...
Nyx Crane: *Rolls* Crit.
GM: Roll again for the crit chart...
Nyx Crane: *Rolls* Uh... 20.
GM: *swallows* Roll twice...
Nyx Crane: *Rolls* 19 and 18.
GM: Bridge hit, times five damage and an engine hit times four damage... So times nine damage...
Nyx Crane: 144 damage.
GM: the TIE Bomber bursts into flame and crashes into the hangar floor behind you, exploding in a violent fireball.

GM: A massive AT-SA (All-terrain siege artillery, non-canon six-legged walker I came up with from some art online) is marching down a valley, a couple AT-STs spread out before it. From your captured AT-ST you can see another of the colossal walkers in the distance heading this way.
Nyx Crane: I charge toward the AT-SA...
GM: Roll pilot.
Nyx Crane: 28, there's side hatches on it right?
GM: Yeah... Pretty big ones.
Nyx Crane: I jump the walker and wedge it's head in one of them!
GM: Okay... Pilot check.
Nyx Crane: Natural 20.
Ash Bralor: You're insane!
GM: The crazy plan works, you wedge the AT-ST's head into the side hatch... stormtroopers inside run for cover in fear as Ash stares at you in an expression somewhere between awe and horror.
Nyx Crane: Lets steal this thing...

Nyx Crane: Are the charges set?
Kad'ika Bralor: Ash is setting the last ones now...
Ash Bralor: *Hanging from the ceiling placing detonite charges... Mechanics check to place the last charger* Rolls a 1 *Ash explodes and falls about fifty meters from the ceiling to the floor with a sickening thud*
All members of the party: Ouch...
GM: Poor kid.

In a derelict asteroid, looking for a new pirate base...
GM: The crimson slug bites you for... *rolls* 29 damage... umm, doesn't that break your threshold?
Nyx Crane: Uh... yeah?
GM: So your spacesuit integrity is compromised... Lets see... local hazards... hmm... 27 vs Fortitude.
Nyx Crane: Succeeds... what happened?
GM: one point of wisdom damage, you feel rather drunk...
Nyx: What is it?
GM: Polywater poisoning... from now every hour, you take 1 wisdom damage when the attack roll exceeds your Fort defense, and you'll feel more and more intoxicated until you die.
Nyx: I hate you.

Yes, I used polywater aka the Psi 2000 virus from Star Trek. The results were hilarious as slowly every member of the crew and team got drunk until the ship medic came up with a cure.

Sith_Happens
2014-07-18, 01:21 AM
"Either way you are not Fergie."
"I can live with that."

"Remind me how long now we've been trying to pick music for a random encounter?"
"Like half an hour."
"I think we've forgotten how to D&D."

PC 1: "Why would a noble knight have a porn stash?"
PC 2: "Nobles can still be perverts."
PC 1: "Why do you I travel with you people."

IAmTehDave
2014-07-18, 02:37 AM
[QUOTE=Sith_Happens;17788322"Remind me how long now we've been trying to pick music for a random encounter?"
"Like half an hour."
"I think we've forgotten how to D&D."[/QUOTE]

Castle crashers music...almost always appropriate for random encounters.

Related:

Player1: I think this music (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncP4FDLyKaY) is a bit too upbeat for these mines...
Player2: Oh fine. **puts on something else entirely (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E_1r8yYU_M)**
Player3: This isn't better...

GreenZ
2014-07-18, 03:12 AM
Here are some memorable things from a Legends of the 5 Rings campaign I was in. Lots of fun. :smallsmile:




Yasuki Sunshine: I call that man an asshat.
GM: The man is terribly offended.
Yasuki Sunshine: Duel to the death! I insist!
GM: Uh... ok?
Yasuki Sunshine: I hide behind my Yojimbo! Neeeeeeh *Skeletor noises*

---

GM: So, as the blind Hida is hit in the neck by the blade of a sword and does not even flinch. The other duelist just surrenders. "Nope, screw that, I'm out."

---

Hida Iso: And I will be on guard duty?
NPC: Uh... blind people can't guard things.
Hida Iso: I just want to be useful! I wanna be a real samurai!

---

Kaiu Tsukaba: Alright, so we know that that peasant is tainted but we need to get rid of him without anyone else noticing while we continue building this wall.
Yasuki Sunshine: Hey you. *Points at a random peasant*
NPC Peasant: Me?
Yasuki Sunshine: Yeah, I have a task for you. *Rubs 10 Koku together* (Whole lotta money)
NPC: Sure! Anything!
Yasuki Sunshine: Push this big rock up onto that wall, then when that guy *points to tainted dude* walks under the wall, drop it on him. *Hands the peasant 10 Koku*
NPC: Uhhhh... 10 Koku, right... ok. *walks off.
Yasuki Sunshine: Perfect, now I go talk to the tainted dude and say that I need him to go pull some weeds over near the wall or some ****.
GM: Uh... ok... After a moment the tainted peasant has a massive rock dropped on top of his head, killing him.
Yasuki Sunshine: HEY! ASSHAT! GET OVER HERE! *Pointing toward the peasant he paid off*
NPC: *Running over* Yes?
Yasuki Sunshine: You're going to need to pay restitution for killing this man. *Takes all of the man's money, including the bribe money*
NPC: But...!
Yasuki Sunshine: Are you disputing the rule of a samurai?!?
NPC: No... *Walks away rejected*
Yasuki Sunshine: Neeeeeeh *Skeletor noises* I solved our problems AND made 7 Zeni!

---

Kaiu Tsukaba: I can't hit these damn undead... and they can't hit me... Quickly! Build the wall around them!

---

Hida Iso: I can't see the wall, so I ask the Kaiu 'How is the wall going?'.
Kaiu Tsukaba: Great!
GM: As you check near the wall you hear a faint moan come from inside the wall.
Hida Iso: Meh, looks good to me.

---

Kaiu Tsukaba: So the Yasuki is busy making money and calling people asshats, the Hiruma is off doing secret scout things, the Kuni is praying, the blind Hida is dueling everyone the Yasuki calls an asshat... and I am anti-social and bored to death.
GM: Are you just going to sit in your room then?
Kaiu Tsukaba: I guess? I mean, we have wood so I could craft some figurines... Like some little Hida soldiers and Hiruma scouts and maybe some Mantis guys too... and I could make a model of the keep... put all my figures in it and make them all fight one another. I bet I could make this a neat little war game too.
GM: So you just sit in your room and end up making Warhammer?!?

---

Yasuki Sunshine: Go cocaine monkey! Do my bidding!
GM: What is it doing?
Yasuki Sunshine: I don't know... I guess just rattling a can in people's faces until they give it money.
GM: Uh... ok?
Yasuki Sunshine: ANGRILY! *Shakes empty can of soda* Neeeeeeeh! *Skeletor noises*

---

Kuni Ranma: Look, I figured out this spell that lights any tainted people who pass over it on fire.
Hiruma Josuke: Aren't there some Spider clan people here? Let's set it up and watch some dudes catch fire.
Kuni Ranma: Sure, I set it up in the main doorway.
GM: Uh... So after some time a random man catches fire as he steps through the door.
Hiruma Josuke: I shoot him with two arrows in the head.
Kuni Ranma: Perfect. I will grab the popcorn.

---

GM: So the blind guy with the ears of a hawk is the only one to hear the faint screams coming from miles away.
Hida Iso: That girlish scream! It must be Yasuki Sunshine!

---

GM: Three monks sit down and one places a bag of Koku on the table, saying nothing.
Yasuki Sunshine: Uh... I take the Koku?
GM: The monk slowly pulls the money back.
Yasuki Sunshine: I offer some 'special tea'?
GM: After tasting it, the monk takes a single Koku out and places it in front of you.
Yasuki Sunshine: I... have the cocaine monkey place a bag of cocaine down?
GM: The monk takes the bag, stands up, and walks away. Leaving the bag of twenty Koku on the table.
Yasuki Sunshine: Yay?

---

Yasuki Sunshine: Hey you. *Pointing to a random merchant.* You're an asshat, give me your money.
GM: The man is angry at you and pulls his sword.
Yasuki Sunshine: Neeeeeh *Skeletor noises* Duel my Yojimbo to the death!
GM: The man knows what happens, refusing the duel, and looks like he is simply going to stab you. Everyone else in the room begins to draw blades and argue with each other at what is happening.
Hiruma Josuke: Everyone attack?
GM: And it turned into a ballroom blitz.

---

Yasuki Sunshine: Not the face! Neeeeeh *Skeletor noises*
Kuni Ranma: I cast Grasping Stone to keep the man from attacking Sunshine.
*Rolls casting check*
*Dice keep exploding and the roll equals over 100*
GM: Wow, uh... The stone hands reach up out of the ground and drag the merchant under, he will never be found again.
Kuni Ranma: :smalleek:

---

Hida Iso: Alright, I've had enough of this ****. I walk through the room to where I can hear Sunshine's girlish screams, grab him, and pin him against the wall. *Succeeds check to do so*
Yasuki Sunshine: Neeeeeh! *Skeletor Noises* Unhand me!
Hida Iso: I am sick of cleaning up your messes, stop calling people asshats!
Yasuki Sunshine: Never!!!

---

GM: So the monk from earlier steps onto the stage, presenting the cocaine that you had given him and showing the court that you are 'an asshat'.
Yasuki Sunshine: That could be anyone's cocaine!
GM: He also has your cocaine monkey in a cage.
Yasuki Sunshine: Well damn.
GM: The lord of the keep comes forward and sanctions your Seppuku order on the spot. Any last words before you commit Seppuku in front of the court.
Yasuki Sunshine: Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh!
Party: ...
GM: The court is forever haunted by the faint, girlish cries of Yasuki Sunshine.

---

Hida Iso: "Here is to our fallen comrade.

He may have not been the best person but he was one of us, Crab Clan. Though collecting money was the only thing he was good at, we cannot dismiss his revenue for the clan. Though he may have got into fights and handled illegal substances, at his core he still served the Crab Clan. Though his actions were corrupt enough that I, a blind man, could see them, they were still useful to the clan. And though we may not miss his dying cries of pain let loose at even the slightest provocation, we will still remember him for what he did for the clan. For he may not have been much, but he was still in fact Crab Clan.

Goodbye, cocaine monkey."

Sith_Happens
2014-07-18, 06:23 PM
"...Goodbye, cocaine monkey."

Best. Punchline. Ever.

Rater202
2014-07-19, 01:03 AM
this is less of a funny quote, and more of a badass quote, but I feal like sharing it anyway.

Hello. My name is Diamond. I'm over a thousand years old, Diamond dogs have nightmare's about me, over spring break my friends and I fought a trio of dragons and rescued a princess, One of my best friends is both a dragon and the adopted son of Queen Arlia, making him a prince, I may or may not have one of any number of projectile weapons on my person right now, and I swear on my heart that I'm not making any of this up.

Please give my friend his figurine back, and we won't have any trouble..

My character is ten years old and missing a leg.

Friendly NPC is being bullied.

My character walks over, gives that (Completely true) speech, and I then roll a critical on my intimidation roll(Two sixs on a 2 six system)

This is the same game as the mushroom Samba quote I did before, by the way.

Somensjev
2014-07-19, 01:15 AM
Archer: is there a way i could put poison on my arrows?
Me: i'm sure the Alchemist would be glad to make you some poison. but you'd have to pay him, or do favours for him or something?
random player and alchemist: hehehe.. 'favours'
Me: damn it guys
Archer: i guess i could put some ranks in Profession: Prostitute
Me: ... *facepalm*

Erik Vale
2014-07-19, 02:57 AM
It was funny... And then it just...
Yea. No.

GPuzzle
2014-07-19, 06:29 AM
"I've created kosher bacon."

"You're gonna hunt Jewish vampires."
"I'm trying to figure out if whether or not the blood they drink is kosher."
"So, what's our weapons for the hunt? Silver David stars or 18 dollar checks?"

DigoDragon
2014-07-19, 01:08 PM
GM: "I bought extra dividers so that I can keep all my cases separated. Otherwise they'd all jumble together and you'd see Jersey Devils again."
Amaya: "Jevels from Jerwls?"
GM: "Speaking of being jumbled, someone rolled a 1 on English."

GM: "Okay, so what is the plan?"
Nicolette: "I believe Amaya was looking for an independent surveyor?"
Amaya: "No, I'm going to the local university to find a geologist to study my rock sample."
Nicolette: "And then you are looking for an independent surveyor?"
GM: "Where are you getting the surveyor idea?"
Amaya: "Nicolette, for the next hour the words 'independent' and 'surveyor' will not be in your vocabulary. No go see the local Indian Affairs office. I'm off to the nearest uni."
GM: "So you take separate cars?"
Amaya: "I can't drive. Someone would have to drive me. Unless they have a broom here I can fly?"
Alexander: "What kind of broom? A Cleansweep?"
Ronnie: "A Firebolt."
Alexander: "Nice!"
GM: "Ugh..."
Amaya: "Okay, we'll Quiddich."

Amaya: "I have this rock samp-"
Alexander: (OOC) "Grrrah!"
Amaya: "...?"
Alexander: "Sorry, I didn't want my message sent there."
Amaya: "Excuse the cleric. His prayer got sent to the wrong god."

GM: "I hope it works like an Anti-hymen field. Err, I mean Anti-magic field."

Alexander: "I rolled a 31 on Theology. Can you keep a baby from destroying my laptop?"

MOAR Quotes~

Nicolette: "How about this- we have someone in OPRI who could talk to NASA and-"
GM: "Take 52 points of damage."
Cell Phone: *Ring ring ring*
Nicolette: "Hold that B.S., I gotta take this."

GM: "Alexander, you do have a potion of cure."
Alexander: "Sweet, forgot about that. Is it Cure Light or Cure Minor wounds?"
Amaya: "Cure Light wounds. Cure Minor wounds might as well be a tic-tac."

Amaya: "What is your bat's name?"
Alexander: "My bat's name?"
Nicolette: "Dog."

Nicolette: "I go back inside the trailer. Is Maritza drinking anything?"
GM: "Yes, the blood of children."
Nicolette: "Success!"

Nicolette: "You got charged with Fourty-Two counts of prostitution in one day?! What happened?!"
Ronnie: "Well, it was a funny thing that started at K-Mart this morning-"
Nicolette: "There's a story to this?!"

Nicolette: (Uses Amaya's d20) "Eleven."
Amaya: "So you're the one sucking up all my good rolls."
Nicolette: "An eleven is a good roll?"
GM: "Compared to all the sixes that Amaya is rolling after bonuses? Yeah."

Amaya: "So if the workers don't give off heat..."
Alexander: "And they have a magical illusion about them..."
Nicolette: "And no one got hurt in these accidents... are the workers not alive?"
Amaya: "They're dead?"
Alexander: "More precisely- Undead."
Amaya: "At what point did this case go from investigating Maritza's broken drill to searching a mine for a necromancer?"
Nicolette: "I got it! Cadaver dog!"
Ares: "What, they have dead dogs too?"
Nicolette: "No, dogs that look for dead people."
Alexander: "So either the dog finds nothing or its head is going to explode."
Ronnie: "Hello, what's that Timmy? Lassie went into a mine shaft and her face detonated from the scent of evil?"

Cowardly Griffo
2014-07-19, 03:54 PM
Ancestral Goblin Spirit 1: I'd say that attack roll got mixed reviews.
Ancestral Goblin Spirit 2: Mixed reviews?
Ancestral Goblin Spirit 1: Well it certainly wasn't a critical hit!
Both: DO-HO-HO-HO-HOH!!!

ZeroGear
2014-07-19, 04:42 PM
Ancestral Goblin Spirit 1: I'd say that attack roll got mixed reviews.
Ancestral Goblin Spirit 2: Mixed reviews?
Ancestral Goblin Spirit 1: Well it certainly wasn't a critical hit!
Both: DO-HO-HO-HO-HOH!!!

Someone actually managed to do a Muppets reference? Kudos!